April 7, 2025 • 63 mins
Tony Couldn't make it today which is sad, but we still had a boss chat with Jacob AKA The Guardian of London! Boss episode, Enjoy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
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(01:38):
If you see a flashlight like a torch, that's like 5.
Flashlight. We do actually have flashlights,
so we had a Pawn Star on Sunny Tate and she brought us
flashlight goodies. You.
Count them to make sure Tony didn't Taylor.
(01:59):
Well, of Fanny. That's the moment of Fanny.
Yeah. And during the big move from
Blackstock, they went missing. Well.
We had three. Two of them have gone missing.
Yeah. So the staff have been 2 have
had them all allegedly our delivery drivers.
I did them when I did have a word, they they gave me this
(02:20):
calendar at the end, just like fucking pick your day that you
were born thing and it was like a little plastic Fanny that I
want. And it was it was.
It was a thing of like, you don't want to take it home in
front of them, but it was a partof me that was like.
You get a plastic Fanny. I'll have a word now.
They, I think that they had some, they had some.
Soul behind one. They had some like love honey
thing and then they were like what day you born?
(02:42):
I was like the 4th. They were like open that fix.
It was it was December. So they were like, it's like an
advent calendar. Do you know what I mean?
It's like a love honey advent calendar.
Yeah. So I pulled out this fucking
yeah. Like a sort of flesh like do you
know what it was like? You know, you get those toys
that you can sort of put your finger through like that and
it's sort of. It's like like squid.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one of them.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
I sort of wanted to fuck one. Put me Dick in one, yeah.
(03:04):
Have you done it? Probably.
Do you think? I'd imagine so.
The one that make fat noises. No, the one I'm thinking of, it
sort of rolls through itself. Do you know what I mean?
It's like a little never ending tunnel.
Do you want to go? That's so bad?
He's got a little funny campaign.
That would be a perfect fucking sponsor for us, wouldn't he?
(03:28):
No. How many females you're?
Too fat disgusted men. That's why you have an army of
insoles. Listen to IS.
That what it is. That's why it'd be perfect.
We had a live show every week and we just have so many
bewildered girlfriends. Yeah, that's, that's, this is
what you listen to, man. That's my tour.
Now, I don't know about you, butthat's my fucking tour.
It's just these blokes in like vintage football shirts and
(03:50):
Reebok trainers and then these girlfriends and, and the amount
of them, because we do. I was doing merch at the end of
my tour and the amount. And then like the girlfriends
come up and they'll say something.
They'll be like, I actually really enjoyed that.
But it's actually, it's always actually, it's like I thought I
was going to fucking hate this. You do it actually.
All right. Oh yeah, we've had a lot of the
girls dragged. I had a message off a Patreon.
(04:12):
He's coming with his beard, his niece and hair fella.
His bed seen bits but his niece,his niece has not seen anything
and they're coming to a live show.
I was like. Oh, we had a, we had a guy in
last week, he's come with his mum and stepdad, so he's on the
2nd row and we've got Wayne Lineker in, He's a double Wayne
Lineker. That guy was you.
(04:32):
In I wasn't there that one. But you've seen it though.
You've seen him. He's the double Wayne Lineker,
and he'd never watched us before, so he just thinks he's
getting insulted and he's just so he was so fucking aggressive.
Was it? Did he say something bad to you?
Yeah, he was just, he was like, he asked him what his name was
and he gave a fake name and all this, you know, this like then
(04:54):
think, oh, you've got the comedian here.
What is all? My name's Ron.
It's not Ron, Steve. And he's like, what you doing,
mate? You went fucking you up.
Well OK, fuck's sake. Bringing your fucking mum and
dad to comedy shows. Come on your own.
There's a lot more honour in that.
(05:20):
Oh God, berating him. No, I was just checking.
It just isn't a. Great.
Have you done live screen rot? Yeah, we've done, we've done 2
and we're doing, we just, we, weannounced a tour this week
actually. Oh, it's good on sales patrons.
And then it's on general sale tomorrow, Friday.
Get on that screen, rock pod. Yeah, I'm sick of plugging me.
(05:44):
You do do the best. Ads.
I'm great. Ads.
I got sat. We got sat from an advert for
the sponsor. Which one?
Better help. I really.
Yeah. Therapy guys.
Yeah. What did you say?
I said it's all the country. Kill yourself.
But if you don't want to, betterhelp take the gum bridge of it.
That's disgusting. That's, that's the exact
(06:04):
response you should have for this thing.
Alcohol and then therapy. Yeah.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
It's Friday night and then Sunday.
I want some, I want some, I wantsome.
Bookies. Affiliates.
Is that? Yeah.
Why have you not been approachedwith that yet?
No. That's amazing, you know,
because you see all these sort of like football, YouTube,
football fucking podcast to people who are always like use
(06:26):
Tom Garrett 10 and you get a tenner off with Unibet or
whatever that is mental. You've not been given that yet.
I got asked to promote an onlinetipster.
I mean, are you paying £50 a month?
Yeah. Yeah, which one?
It's called insider Edge, but I said no because I know what plug
paid paid tips. Do you what I mean why?
(06:49):
That's right, it's dodgy little area.
Do you, do you not? Do you not reckon they're all
legit? The services?
No, I follow a few of them. Do you know?
Do you know the mush? Do you know him?
Hello Mush racing Twitter is a bombsight.
Man mate, it's so. Fucking love.
Racing, You know the mush. Do you know the mush?
No, no. I'm.
Not fucking help this guy. It's from.
Bristol, isn't it? No, no, Portsmouth, Portsmouth.
(07:10):
It's it's a well, it's a very, very weird accent.
It's the only place around therewhere you have that accent.
It's somewhere between sort of Giza like London and, as you
say, like fucking West Country, West Country.
All right, mate, Oh fucking mush.
Come on. Like, like it's, it's, it's a
mad. And this guy, he's been to jail
because he was fucking over the bookies, wasn't he?
(07:31):
He was fucking around him and his dad conned the bookies for
years, went to jail, came out. He's a tipster now, but he's
like, he's barely in the UK because there's so many people
who want to fucking kill him. So he's just, he's just going
around Thailand fucking. Shagging prostitutes.
Filming himself shagging prostitutes like it, like he
will literally film himself likefucking snogging a prostitute
(07:52):
like that and and use that as a kind of this is the life I can
afford because my tips if you, if you want to live with me,
mate, if you want to get yourself out to Thailand and
fucking shag a lot of girls likethis, you got to get on my tips.
It's fucking amazing. I love racing.
Twitter is so, so exponentially great.
It's like the circuit joy. There's like little fat Goths
(08:15):
and bitching and backstabbing and alliances.
They. All hate each other.
They hate each other. And now there's tipster exposer.
Well. Mate, Yeah, yeah.
Where they then have a rivalry and who exposes that?
Who's better is exposing than Yeah, yeah.
It started off that there there was like a league table of the
tipsters of who was up, who was down, who's who had had more
(08:36):
wins than the others. And then the people making the
league tables was like your league tables.
So there's no league tables of who's got the best documents.
With that it's like. If they get called out, everyone
gets called out loose. Do you follow the guy?
Dan Frankham? Yeah, he's.
He's fucking funny. He's he's proper, he's he's one
(08:58):
of the hated ones that I just watch it from Afari, but he's
really he's. Been accused of some bad stuff,
isn't he? Yeah, I think, well they all do
all the all cheat and stuff. They all, they all have fucking
mad lives. So they one, I think it was
racing Blogger, you know. Yeah.
Stephen. Stephen Power.
Stephen Power. He I'm pretty sure it's him.
(09:18):
His house got smashed up by the mesh.
So I'm actually quite careful ofhow I speak about the mushroom
online now because because this,this fucking racing Blogger guy,
he filmed himself once coming home and like, his car's been
smashed up, the fucking windows of his house have been done.
And then so whoever's done it has spray painted like, you
know, at mush tips on the side of his house.
(09:40):
They're fucking terrifying. Like racing toy is just fucking
amazing. That's like mafia shit that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cheltenham last week obviously
just gone. How'd you get on?
I I really won. Did you?
Yeah. I was up about two, 2400,
something like that. Is that the best?
Is that the best Cheltenham you've had?
(10:02):
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, it's up there.
You're not 9 as a success I'm. Not known.
I'm not known as really a success, but child them tend to
do well. Last two child limbs have been
really profitable. Yeah, this one was really good.
I was one away from 25 bags, goton the first say the first two
(10:23):
winners, 18 to 112 to one going on to 12:50, which lost.
But so one 2 1/2 grand off that bet and could both because a lot
of the favourites got beat, a lot of fancy stars he's got
beat. All these tipsters, they just
tweet favorites. They just tip favourites and
they have five points on it, like your maximum bet on
(10:46):
Ballyburn or whatever. Yeah, and they all lost and they
all started calling it a con stuff.
Yeah, they all they all got fucked on Constitution.
Hill, didn't they? Yeah.
That was a big one. That was, there's a video of
that Stephen Power watching Constitution Hill go down.
And it was like the end of the week, wasn't it?
And. That was galloping Deschamps.
Sorry, that was it in the pub and.
Then someone behind him has obviously got, I know the way
(11:07):
you're thinking, but his his best one ever was enable.
Obviously in the enable one, no.So this was a few years ago in
France and Abel, it won the arc.I think it's won two arcs, which
is going for 1/3, which is, you know, unprecedented.
And he had his biggest ever antipost about it.
I think he had five grand at 5:00 to 1:00.
(11:28):
That's win 30 grand in total andshe's leading with Alpha failed
to go. It pissed down rain really heavy
ground. So it gets quite soft in France
anyway, really heavy ground. And she's winning and she looks
for the world. She's gonna win.
And he comes sprinting out from the stands and going, God enable
history, history, history. Oh, she's beat.
(11:50):
Ohh get amazing. Painful.
I don't know how you do it. You know, but I'm watching a
race, though. I go soul Partridge.
Really I if I'm winning, I'm like, come on, fulfill your
destiny. It's.
A fucking horse, it doesn't wantto be there.
It's fucking animal rights. People queued up outside being
(12:13):
like, leave the horses alone. You're telling them to fulfill.
That's when your dreams come true.
You're going to, you're going towant it.
I'm like a I'm like a Sunday league manager, you know, like
when you got to want it. Fucking it.
I would mate someone that I grewup with, they used to watch it,
but they used to like they used to get really on it whilst
watching it and they they sent me videos and they're like,
(12:34):
there's two of them, Joe and Kim, and they fucking you know,
they'd be like naked on each other's backs, fucking not doing
all that as they're watching it.It's a fucking it's a dirty way
to live, like sat sat in the living room, curtains closed.
What's in that is fucking bleak.Oh.
Fucking love it. Anyone.
(12:56):
Something that's essential, living vicariously through,
you'll be doing it with football, obviously.
You get so passionate about football and you, and when you
take a step back from it, you think I'm living in vicariously
through Fernandez or Sacco or, you know, Salah, whatever.
And you're like, I'm relying on another man for my happiness
here. I'm relying on another species.
(13:20):
The only thing more pathetic than projecting your life?
122 blokes you've never met. It's a fucking animal.
An animal that wouldn't fucking look at you.
So how long the horses normally last, like obviously sometimes
they end up having to get shot or whatever, but a normal
average, not like the best an average, how long will that?
(13:42):
Run for like mid 20s. So it it'll run for 30 years.
Oh, it won't run. No, no, no.
That's what I mean. So how long are?
They on the on the jumps. So the jumps are there's two
types, horse racing, the flat and the jumps.
The flat is where all the money is.
It's proper like it's LOB side. It's like the London circuit or
the fucking dozer, do you know what I mean?
(14:02):
And where the North like fuckingthe Northwest circuit?
It's cooler, it's better, but ultimately we won't have a
career. You.
Fucking say that. That's not what's happened in
the last five years, is it? That's not what's happened in
the last five. Against the odds.
So flat horses, they'll really good flat horses.
(14:23):
They'll retire at 4:00, three orfour years old and just got a
sudden shock by 100 grand a shock.
Whereas the jumps, horses, they have the willies chopped off.
It's calm them down so they get gelded.
The will, not just the. Not the balls, the willies.
They actually get their whole cooked.
Yeah, yeah. So they become gelded.
(14:44):
So they there's no value to themin retirement.
They can't breathe. They can't breathe.
So they just like, yeah, just run around to E12 and when
they're 12, what's sad is when they get to about 11:12, there's
a veteran circuit and it's just like, oh, these these ones,
great horses. Like just fucking retire than me
(15:05):
just fucking Wheeling him out like fucking knackered.
No cock they've got. No cock.
No cock a shit jockey on to likegive them experience and they're
like just fucking retired. That's cruel.
Watching, watching these 1213 year olds, which is it's like
we're watching Masters football,you know what I mean?
(15:25):
I'm just like, just let him fucking die.
Del Piero again. Del Piero and Canavaro dragged
out for another fucking charity match in Dubai.
Merson tried to drop his shoulder because his skin just
fucking let him retire. He's done his bollocks again,
bollocks his bollocks again. Merson's got a Sunday team just
(15:48):
to get a mortgage paid. I love Merson's book, you know.
I love Merson. I love.
Him Merson for me is what pundits should be like.
He's I'm not accusing him of being drunk.
They still, he still talks like he drinks.
Do you know what I mean? He still talks like a drinking
(16:09):
man when you watch him on telly or when you watch him on
podcasts and stuff. I like the facts.
You can't pronounce names and stuff.
No, I think there's endearance because it's like watching it
with someone in the pub. Like a dad in the pub.
Yeah. And they can't pronounce like an
Eastern European name. Do you know what?
I mean, no, no, no, they're not doing it's be horrible.
No, they're not doing it to be like disrespectful.
This was fucking cool. It's.
Like this is Z there? What am I meant to do with that?
(16:30):
Yeah. If that Georgian kid, you know
that Georgian kid who comes to PSG from that show, Yeah.
Can you say it? Yeah, because Theon fucking
shagged him. Because he doesn't.
Shut up, doesn't he? I've never even met Theon and he
texted me about that fucking player fucking 2 in the morning
on Saturday. That's that's his peak chat.
Yeah, yeah, he's a. Children footballer.
(16:52):
He's he's, he's, he's, he's, he's like fucking projected all
these ideas that he's this fucking like communist hero.
Yeah, yeah, the guy, the guy probably doesn't give a fuck
about anything like that, do youknow what I mean?
But it feels fucking he, he thinks he's this Soviet hero.
If that guy had come to the Premier League, the amount of
(17:13):
dads who'd be so fucked, do you know what I mean?
The amount of dads who would have no idea what to say when he
scores a goal. You know, one thing I don't like
about pundits as well is how everyone gets I got you because
they get a prediction wrong. Yeah.
Yeah, it looks like they've beenput on the spot to say usually
win the league and stuff and then just because that team have
a shit season it's. The rule will be like the the
(17:36):
thing I think people don't get is like, they've all got to pick
someone. They've all got to pick someone
different. Do you know what I mean?
They they can't all sit there and go, oh, Man City, do you
know what I mean? There's got to be a little bit
of variety for the sake of conversation.
So it's like, of course 90% of them are going to be wrong.
But I mean, it's just nowadays it's like the fucking and I this
is like one of my most like yourda opinions.
(17:57):
Oh. Mate, I'd say influences on
television talking about football.
I can't fucking do it, man. I don't care.
I know it's not good, but you know that old panel?
You know the old Saturday panel of.
Like Charlie, Nicholas Rose. Jim Rosenthal Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That that for me, that is that'swhen it was good.
(18:17):
And now fucking Chunks and some fucking idiot.
Do you know what I mean? And they're there and and and it
do you know what they always do now?
They always, it's always like, because I think what they've
realized is if you, if you just talk about who won last week,
that content's dead in a day. Do you know what I mean?
So now it's constantly. It's better salary, Ronaldo.
Unreal Ronaldo, unreal salad, doyou know what I mean?
(18:40):
All this fucking stuff and it's like, who cares?
Do you know what I mean? Because I think as well, like
they get people like that. Oh, you're right.
Oh, Oh no, I'm not mine. This is you remember the taxi
driver I saw you about. Oh, yeah.
(19:00):
Hiya. What's your tick tock again,
Liverpool? Net.
Liverpool net go for Liverpool net on TikTok.
Jay Frank. I can't appreciate that.
That was sick. Though I told you I got an Uber
(19:20):
here and Liverpool that just show me a TikTok thing.
I said you should change names to the taxi queen.
I think that's a good little brand for you there.
Sounds a bit. So I'm going to do stand up next
week. You had you had her hair first.
There you go, she's. Discovered new talent.
She's got a plug now, but. Fucking yeah fucking fucking
(19:41):
forgot, man. She knew they weren't in your
hair. She just wanted to get a plug.
She just wanted to get a plug. I've got Is she back?
Was she back from she? Followed you too.
I said Jess, drop, drop your name and open mic, you'll be
sound. And then she felt fucked down.
I'm coming in. I'm coming on the book.
That's how he got a job, that's how he got the job.
(20:03):
Is that how I got the? Job Did he give a lift to bin
and end up producing this part? Really.
Yeah, so. I did used to do this like in
union store for hate to end up getting bored at our job.
So I went on a taxis and then hemeant I got Binti.
I recognized him from years ago.I was like, do you all not worth
it? And then he said I am.
They haven't got a producer at the minute.
So then I sent him an e-mail like this is going to sound a
(20:25):
bit mad and I'm a taxi driver, but here's me show real on TV.
I've done it before. Yeah, it's done a little trial
and then now that you've got me doing it all.
You have a shot, shot. This is I'm, I'm now like I'm
now I'm now thinking I'm like, all I need to do is get in the
right taxi in Liverpool and I could do anything.
That's why they fucking pinch myself for anything.
I could be, I could be in the next Bonnie Blue video, but just
(20:48):
getting in the right cab in fucking Liverpool.
It's like, you know, there's that, you know, there's that
TikTok guy walks around and goes, excuse me, have you got a
dream? It's like that's like the
Liverpool taxi city. You can just say whatever you
want. I could end up anywhere.
She's on the fucking podcast now.
You're making the podcast, That's how.
Easy, we are a booking guess. Mate, when I get back to London
(21:08):
I'll get back to London. All these fucking new acts will
be like, how do you get a spot of hot water?
So you just got to get. A cab just.
Get your cab. Do the knowledge?
Get your license, get registeredwith Uber.
Just find Jamie Hutchinson. Pretend he's lost his headphones
and you. I did it.
I had to interview him and I wasjust so hungover.
(21:31):
I was like, listen, can you do it?
He interviewed. You.
Yeah, I interviewed him. For the that's fucking mental
that's bad you doing job. Imagine that's the post you're.
Trying to look like screenshots.So I always work and I was just
(21:51):
head down. I went drop a pint.
He went, yeah, I went, listen, I've been sent a list of
questions because Paul was meantto do it.
The owner. Well, Ben, Ben, he said he like
a few questions. It was like, just make sure I
went. Yeah, yeah.
Well, listen, can you do? Can do you like editing when?
Yeah. Can you do it?
Yeah. You got the job.
(22:11):
Just don't knife in me for 10 minutes.
Second question was, do you wantto paint?
And I said no because, one, I was about to go and film with
them, and two, I was just like, I'm not, I'm not drinking, you
know what I mean? I was just trying to say that.
Yeah, and I was like, that's what they did every every job
interview, hot water, they just send you out, ask someone if
(22:33):
they want to buy doorman fuckingfast stuff.
It doesn't matter. And if they drink with you, they
can't have a fucking job. That's right.
Now they're. Going to be poisoned.
Get them off my dog. Because I liked a little, I used
to interview teenage girls. Obviously the you do look like
(22:55):
someone who likes to be would becornered in a Morrison's car
park. I would say, have you been, have
you been a teenage girl or something?
I pretended to be a teenager online so that you would
interview me. Yeah, I used to work for a
hairdresser Academy, so I had to.
And if you want to be hairdressers?
(23:18):
How old are you? This is my last job before stand
up so 2829. What you were doing it while you
were doing stand up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, why were you? Why were you?
Why were you that? Was what that was a bum?
You worked. You worked.
You worked for. Hair Trusted Academy?
What? Like what's for hair?
(23:39):
Can you cut hair? No, I'm in sales, so I used to
get salons to take on these girls.
So you work to recruitment I you.
Work to recruit you just don't want to say you work to
recruitment you fucking. Work to recruit.
I didn't work in recruitment, I worked.
(24:01):
In sales I'd rather say it was the traffic of the recruit.
I'd rather be a tape brother than an apprentice can do it.
There's less shame. Rumours lower than fucking
shame. In moving kids for money than
there is in working in. Recruit fucking slugging latest
(24:22):
Christmas dude and. All things up, be at one on a
Friday at 4:30. Dangerous time to be quite a
brutal. All Secret Santa is just
swapping Stephen Bartlett's book.
Yeah. Oh, I thought that one so.
You you used to interview. Yeah you shouldn't.
You've interviewed TH girls and get 5 but the good.
(24:44):
Get 5 imagine you're have you got kids you got kids have you
not got kids No no, I've got a kid I've got I've got two I've
got a four year old girl right imagine you for right fucking 12
years time. Do you know why I'm going with
this 2A piece? Time she goes, yeah, I want to
be hairdressed, Dad. I was like, yeah, see, does a
(25:05):
little fucking B.Tech and then right, you got to go meet this
man. This is fucking him.
Can you drop me off on the bench?
What did he ask? You, he asked you, he bought a
pint. A bit of a red flag.
A bit of a red flag. The thing is, so it's a
(25:25):
briefless industry. Hairdressing man, hairdresser is
brutal. So we had loads of different
salons, some in the city centre and some in like rough districts
of Manchester, You know, What are you doing?
You're making me nervous. I was.
Looking for. Before and so you didn't if you
I'd say 70% of these girls are just coming here because they've
(25:49):
not got any GCS, ES and it's their last option there's.
Nothing to do. There's nothing to do, so they
don't want it and they're unmotivated.
They just shrug through their interview and you have to give
them a score out of 10. It's like fucking painful.
And then every now and then you get a girl who really loves
hairdressing. One sort of family of
hairdressers, really dedicated, really wants really what are.
(26:12):
You, you never care. Fucking hairdresser who comes
from. You do really fucking do you
have a family of cleaners you're.
Fucking comedian, You've never cleaned anything in your fucking
life. What are you doing?
I bought them all fucking bullets.
I bought them. All I sort of think you are a
(26:34):
fucking child trafficker. This is bollocks.
Every now and then you'd get onewho came from a family of
hairdressers. When have you ever had your
haircut? And they go, well, this is what
my dad did. So I just I inherited the
scissors. What else can I do when?
You started what? Go into law?
No son of mine's going into law.You carry on the tradition like
(26:55):
you. You think I wanted to clip hair
you think I wanted to see? So I said to my manager and oh
look, got this girl here. She's a, she's a nine or a 10
out of 10 interview style. I recommend her for like a posh
city centre salon because they are very particular about who
(27:18):
they want. You like the Sorting Hat?
A family of hairdressers and he,he pared into like the interview
room. He went, oh, is it her?
I went, yeah, yeah, she went oh,she's not city centre.
(27:39):
What do you mean what? She's not city centre?
And she was too fat to work in acity centre song because they
are so concerned about, you know, the image and stuff.
They wouldn't take this fat girlon, even though she was, she so
wanted to be a hairdresser. That's what happens.
I mean, like, I mean, I had to send it to Eccles.
(28:01):
Some fucking hairdressers in thegarage.
Yeah. Yeah, had to send her up to be
charged for it. To be a Raven, that's all you're
good for. So then you're in, then you're
in the then you're like quite pressured into sort of rate in
(28:24):
them on attractiveness and they're like 16 year old girls
who's so fucking in on yeah. It's weird that.
Is really creepy. Yeah, that's why I left.
That's fucking. Is that is that really why you
left? That's why I left.
That's part of the reason why I left.
Comedy Government. No, I got.
I got so pissed I just didn't goback in for a week because I
(28:46):
didn't turn up for two days and the anxiety was building up so
one day I just deleted everyone's number, quit, didn't
go back. I've still officially worked
there. They're.
Still waiting. They're like a kid whose dad's
walked out and it's still got hope that Jamie's going to come
back. Just one fat girl in the
interview room. Is he coming back?
(29:07):
Any minute now. He's just got to get Clippers.
That that was, I can't believe that was your last job.
That was your last job? Yeah.
Swap, swap, swap that for this and that.
Now you get to pick the prettiest podcast producers to.
Pick the pretty ones. He's he's city centre.
Yeah, he's, I mean the. Camera.
So I'm not Well, yeah. He's that Have a word?
(29:31):
I don't, I don't want to slag him off while he's not here, but
the fact that Tony is fucking city centre and you're not,
that's crazy. That's crazy.
I mean, it could be worse. You could have got dead.
Man. Are we the ugliest part?
We might be the ugliest part. No.
I think we might be up there. You know there's uglier than you
(29:53):
guys. Do you know what that as I'm
saying this, I'm like, podcasts are generally decent looking,
aren't they? Yeah, shits and gigs are good
looking man, which I've done before.
What? Which ones are shits and gigs?
Shits and gigs are few, hard andJames huge.
I was. Just saying all over like TikTok
and Skype. Stuff, right, The Scottish lads,
some laugh, They're quite, they're quiet.
(30:15):
Yeah, they're they're they're good looking, pretending they're
not, but. Yeah, but they're sneaky good
looking. That fucking, that Stu
McPherson. Yeah, I've known him for years.
Yeah, he was a big guy before, was it?
He was a big guy. Fucking went away for a bit,
came back looking like an Italian footballer, like he does
now, doesn't he? He looks like a 90s Italian
footballer. Jennings.
Jennings looking. Jennings is a fucking He looks
(30:36):
like a Debenhams model, doesn't he?
He looks like he'd be be fuckingmodelling like wedding suits.
Or something. For Burton.
Buchanan. He's good looking that so is is
is you reckon you could take Buchanan Day?
I still don't look in your eye. You're like, I could run better
looking than Buchanan. No, don't look about looking.
No chance. No.
But he's yeah, he's he's yeah. He's like keying in Westlife,
(31:01):
you know, that's the third best looking one.
Oh, so it's like he doesn't lookas good?
Yeah, he's the best looking Westlife guy, Mark.
Best looking Shane, obviously. Shane McGowan.
Oh, Shane Phelan. Oh right, he's shame.
Shane Phelan the the the head singer of Yeah Westlife, but
(31:24):
he's bankrupt. You wouldn't say.
Mark Tall, Gaylord. That's gonna say Varun.
No, that's by his own. With the Irish law.
Yeah. Love is a roller coaster.
Was he boy zone? That's boy zone, Yeah.
Fucking hell. Man.
Yeah, so I'd go Shane. Shane was #1.
(31:45):
Westlife. Yeah, well, Brian McFadden and I
always got told to look like. Brian Mcfadden's probably the
best looking out of Westlife. Jackie.
Yeah, I think, Brian, what do you think Mcfadden's?
I'm just looking at them now. Can you can.
You see the names of any of them?
Can you see the look alike between Jamie and Brian
McFadden? I had curtains all back in the
day. Did you really?
(32:05):
Yeah, for a brief. Oh gosh, all Jamie, maybe Jamie
now, Sorry, I wouldn't say so now, but you used to have long
hair than you, so maybe back when you had long hair a long.
When I first met you, you had quite long hair.
Did you? Yeah.
Do you remember when I've spent a bit of time with you at
Edinburgh? You and Jack Ledo.
Yeah. You had quite long hair then.
(32:26):
Longer. Yeah.
Or just hair. Was, well, it was, it was, it
was coming from the back, but itwas still quite long.
Oh, it was all yeah, it was all scraggy on it.
Yeah, yeah. It was long though.
It was long hair. Yeah, but it weren't long that
it was. It was long because I, I didn't
get it caught, but like a fashion choice.
It was just like greasy and longand oh, it was horrible.
(32:48):
Yeah, it was grim. Yeah.
Mate, that was. It was the first show I ever
watched in Edinburgh. Really.
Yeah, you don't go. Back much?
Now, do you ever? Don't come outside.
It's still mine. It's.
Just what this is? Going on, I'm fucking going on.
This is shit. I'm going back to the
hairdressers, I'm going back to picking out.
(33:10):
Children, it's not worth it. Don't fall your jeans.
It's fight. Yeah.
I mean, I'm in the that year youwere up there.
And I mean, I remember I liked you because I was like, he
doesn't fucking like it here either because I hated
Edinburgh. I knew he hated it and I
thought, yeah, he gets it. He fucking hates this as well.
It's just I I heard dreamers of like how people act in
(33:31):
Edinburgh, like your mates and stuff, and I had so much of
like, you know, mid conversationand go Kevin Bridges agents was
caught in Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck that is a little
nerd. Shut up.
They do that thing where you'll be talking something like this,
but you can see their eyes kind of going like that, looking over
your shoulder. Not an autism way.
(33:51):
No, no, there is a lot of that as well.
There is loads of that as well. This.
Cynical career way. But yeah, they're sort of
looking over your shoulder for someone more important to speak
to you. As if that's going to work as
well, like just walking up to them going oh, hi, I'm a
comedian. They'll like Kevin Bridges aid
and you'll just go I get. This No.
They try and hook them to be like, laugh at all the jokes and
(34:13):
just want to become the friend and then hope they cast them in
something new. Yeah.
I remember though, I was, I was talking to someone and we were
talking about another comedian and I was like, oh, how's their
run going? This other comedian and the
person I was talking to, she waslike, oh, they're having this
other person. She's like, they're having a bit
of a rough one. They've had some bad reviews,
but they're not worried now because their main focus is
(34:34):
making friends with big Americancomedians.
And they've been for dinner withtwo of them this week.
And it's like he spent fucking 10 grand to do a show and now
you're trying to make friends. You're trying to make friends
with American people who are going to fuck off back to
America in two weeks time. I don't get.
It it's psychotic. It's very weird.
It's very and it's very, it feels like school again, doesn't
(34:55):
it? I feel, I feel like what it is.
I reckon if if you, if you paid like a, a therapist to go around
and like interview like 100 of the people who who really enjoy
Edinburgh, what it would be, it'd be people who didn't enjoy
school who are now kind of performatively reliving school.
So they get to do it on their terms.
Do you know? I mean, it's people who are
quite quiet and bookish at school.
We didn't have much fun. They're now sort of redoing.
(35:18):
They've seen so many Timids ladsreal become cunts and pretty
bullies when they win a couple of competitions and stuff.
You act competitions and that. Yeah, or even get reviews at
Edinburgh and then all you'll you'll hear that they've become
a bit weird with girls. You'll hear that only you'll be
like, Oh yeah, they're a bit pushy and strange now.
(35:39):
That's because they've never hadfemale attention before, so they
don't really know what to do. And now they're like becoming a
fucking sex offender because they don't know what to do with
themselves. It's true.
I I mean I. Got a hairdressing gig?
Yeah, those fucking psychotic cough.
(36:00):
Man, some mad, mad cough. It's also, it's also like a
shit, shit bit of Scotland, Edinburgh.
It's not as good as Glasgow, Jimmy.
It's so expensive as well, isn'tit?
Like, even out out of like the born of Edinburgh, it's just an
expensive place to be. Yeah, I like Outside the Fringe
and that, yeah, just to go for aweekend, but no more than that,
(36:21):
really. Yeah, I've got a mate up there
who'll go up and see outside thefringe and it's great, but yeah,
I fucking. Hate London's got in small doses
like. Yeah.
Do you come down much? Not really, I do the odd
podcast. I remember I bumped into you
near my house. Do you remember you were staying
in my house when you were doing your London dates?
Yeah, I was doing top secret one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Staying round his round his
(36:41):
house. Literally round the back.
Bear in mind how big London is it's.
The thing of all the way Rd. yousee?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am.
That's how I got in that hotel. I, I had a word.
I got him in, but no, he's literally, he was literally
behind my it was meant to stay in the hotel behind my house.
Were you with? Yeah, we'll be Mrs. and Fionn.
Yeah. Wozniak.
(37:02):
Matt. Matt, you tell that story.
What happened? Well.
I know Jake's sorry. I won't.
I won't stop. I won't.
I won't silence you. Or sincere.
Which story? Jacob's a master criminal.
What I did to the Barber shop. It's all the vessels.
So basically, I, I, I, yeah, I don't give a fuck.
(37:23):
I, I, I live on this. Sorry, Jake.
Well, he doesn't care because hecan't get arrested now, but no
one's fucking getting arrested. He he, he gets so upset.
Basically my mate who I do screen right with, he works,
he's got a good job. So he's always worried I'm going
to say something that's going toget him sacked or fucking
whatever. But I don't care.
So I live on this road and you know, as you're saying earlier,
(37:47):
I've got, as I'm getting older, I'm getting a few more of these
kind of like your dad opinions. Do you know what I mean?
And one of them is, I have noticed there are a lot of
hairdressers and it's, I know this is like a right wing thing
and I don't care, but there's a lot of dodgy hairdressers
popping up near me. And it's like, I don't care, but
it's fucking mad, right? So then there's one near me
(38:08):
called Sinner. So a Syrian geezer who runs it,
it's been there for like years and years and years and right
next door to it, and this is like this is fucking you
shouldn't do this. Right next door to it opened
another barbershop like they they fucking that's wrong.
It's like a comedy club opening up next door here.
It's crazy. You shouldn't do that.
So this other barbershop opens and I didn't like that what
(38:33):
they'd done. They, they, it's obviously not
official, but they called themselves the Peaky Blinder
Barbers, right? Sounds like a fucking prophetic
man. Sounds like a rap.
It's all honestly. Honestly, all the guys were like
dressed like that, like flat peaks and fucking braces.
Also this isn't like, this isn'tlike a common garden.
It's like a shit bit of London, do you know what I mean?
(38:53):
It's like, it's like outskirts shit, isn't it?
It's like to be doing that therelooks fucking mental.
And so they're all dressed like that and they've got all these
guns in the window, like like fucking like old sort of like
pistol, you know, obviously toys, whatever, but it's a bit
like in an area that's got a lotof youth violence.
And so it's a bit fucking grim. Weird.
It's it's so, so I was like, I was like just getting in my head
(39:15):
about it. So I walk up and down when I go
to the football and I, you know,I often drink when I'm walking
up and down that road. So I was like, I was walking up
and down. I was getting angry and angry in
my head about it. I was like fucking Peaky blinded
barbers. We're fucking turning up Sinner.
He's been here for years. How dare you fucking take his
turf. Do you know what I mean?
And I started like, like sort ofbecause this has happened, my so
my gym is like a few doors down from this Sinner Barber.
(39:36):
I kept like winking at him and like like thumbs up and it.
And I've never spoke to him in my life.
But in my head I was like, I'm fucking showing some support for
this guy. And he the first few times he'd
be like, alright, mate, and thenand then start going now it's
that guy again. And then we're fully like pals
now, like I've never spoke to him, but like we're fully like,
if I see I'll fucking bang on the thing.
Alright, mate, you know what I mean.
And then and then just because Iwanted to show him support and I
(39:58):
told my Mrs. with this, she was like, you have to tell him
that's why you're doing this. Otherwise, he thinks you're like
a WAVY Dave. You know, you get those guys
that just waiting for cards. She was like, that's what this
guy's going to think you are anyway.
So I was like, I was, I was, I was only sitting outside and I
was getting more and more fuckedoff about the Peaky Blinder
barbers. So I mainly did this because I
(40:19):
was with my mate and I was trying to wind him up.
But I phoned up the Peaky Blinder barbers.
I was like, I need to speak to the manager.
And they put me into, into this manager and he's like Italian.
And I was like, I work for the, the, the most stupid bit about
this. I've got the channel wrong.
I was like, I work for Sky Atlantic.
It was on BBC. I was like, I work for Sky
(40:41):
Atlantic. You're trading under a
copyrighted name. We're going to be there in three
weeks with lawyers. We want to see all your
paperwork. If you want to avoid this, you
can e-mail me now at jacob@skyatlantic.com.
Blah, blah. And he was like, and, and the
geezer straight away was like onto me.
He was like, fuck you. You're, you're friends with
fucking Sinner. I don't fucking listen to you,
man. Oh my God.
And I was and I was like, I was like, fuck, like you, I'm going
(41:04):
to keep phoning. So I kept phoning.
I got my mate to come on. I was like, hello, I also work
for like we work in a big fucking play at that, pretending
to be in an office and we're like, we're going to be there in
3. And it first, first thing that
happened is it changed names. It was like they got it wrong.
Sopranos. They changed it to like Shelby's
(41:25):
and sons. Do you know, because it's Tommy
Shelby. So I was like, no, I'm not
accepting that. I was like, no, no, no, no.
So I kept phoning. I was like, no, no, listen,
Shelby is still. That's all.
That's Skyland. 6. Kept phoning up and it did I
mean, yeah, as I say, as you say, my mate who I did a podcast
with, he gets really nervous about this because it is a crime
(41:46):
to impersonate a lawyer. So, so I am obviously joking
about all of this, but they theydid close down eventually they
declare and now the Sinner guy fucking I, I told that story on
our podcast. He follows me on Instagram and
the the Syrian geezer messaged me after we put that up and he
was like, yes, my brother, I love this podcast.
I was. Like, yeah, I'm so.
(42:06):
Gonna but I I do, I do. I do see myself now on my little
shit hole Rd. that I live on. I see myself as like.
Such a coward, vagilant in it. Don't go in.
Don't go in and say anything. But I see myself as like the
(42:30):
kind of protector of the area now.
And now I do, I do keep an eye on what's going on.
There's, there's loads of stuff I do like I, I fucking there was
some fly tipping recently. There's there's been some fly
(42:50):
tipping. Oh God, are we going to call
but. But I was kind of up for it
because they were flight. I mean, well, the other one, the
other one that happened was so we, we, there's like an arts
university, London School of Artis they got like campus around
the corner and you get these fucking art students and they're
just like they, they do, you know what I mean?
(43:12):
They're mad. They're they're like 18.
They've got like fucking, they've got purple hair.
Do you need to open that bottle a bit?
That looks so fucking bad. That that looks so bad.
I can't believe just done that in front of a guest.
I've just gone open this as if he's got a Yeah, he's just
(43:33):
opened it on a bucket and pouredit while stayed there.
We're going to be telling peopleabout that.
Jamie Hutchinson changed. He doesn't even ask.
He just shakes the bottom of people.
I can't believe you just did that.
You normally make me do it, so it's.
Just God in front of a justice warrior.
Yeah, that's fucking fucking no,that's right mate.
(43:58):
Thank you. So.
I don't know why. I don't know.
I think it was just habit because because I had the bottle
in me, I don't. Do that shake over me like my
own I was. Trying to do so, I didn't
interrupt. That's that's why you Chuck the
fucking bottle. It's.
One step away from. That's how you know me.
Those when we were talking before about how I got the job,
(44:19):
that's how I got the job. Him fucking.
I'm just not. So bad that.
Back and call. Right.
So. Oh.
Yeah, well, there was a fire tipping, which I'm, I'm
actually, I changed my mind about because I realised who it
was. And his dad, his mum's died, so
I think he's allowed to have a little.
They weren't tipping there, was it?
Can't park there mate. The pinky miners I mean.
(44:43):
I ordered Shelby and something. Leave your mum by the bin.
Yeah, that's got to be in a bag,mate.
Come on, it's got to be in a bag.
There's fucking dogs coming up and down from.
Sky Atlantic, you need to put your corpse in a bag.
No, but what what the problem we've got is these fucking art
(45:03):
students and they they look theylike, I think, I think like 10
years ago, if I'd have looked atthem, I might have understood
what they were doing cloves wise.
I've got no idea anymore. I don't know what they're
fucking dressed as, but they, they, I was walking home.
I mean, it was like end of last summer.
It was like freshers week kind of time.
It's like September, isn't it? You always notice in September,
(45:23):
don't you? There's loads of like younger
people in pubs and stuff like because it's all fucking
freshers. So I was walking home and it's
busy. Everyone's trying to get home
from work and whatever. And there's this fucking two
people and I, I'm not saying it's like a weird way, but I
can't tell if they're men or women or anything.
Just pink, long pink hair, loadsof piercings, I don't care, but
whatever, right. And they just, they've got a
(45:44):
tripod camera set up like that fucking one of them's filming
and the other one's just fuckingscreaming, just screaming and
shouting about fucking everything.
Fucking Trump every like, do youknow what I mean?
The The Fool Tories. Tories have been out for four
months. At this point it's just
shouting. About Mum.
(46:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking this is George Bush.
Fuck you. Fucking Iraq.
They're kind of. It's all 2004 stuff.
It's really weird. It's like an Eminem album, but.
But it's stuff. And everyone's like, what the
fuck is this? And then, and this is outside of
the the shop on the corner of mystreet.
(46:25):
I go to quite a lot and this this person, they're screaming
and shouting about all this political stuff.
And then they pick up a pot of paint and just pour it over
their own heads and on this is, this is like 15 yards from my
house. So I just went and stood and
just stood by the camera and just watched.
And they said they poured the pint of it and they keep
shouting and fucking Trump this and fucking blah, blah, blah,
(46:46):
blah, blah. And they're sort of getting
slower and slower. And then they sort of as if, as
if I'm ruining it. They're sort of looking at me
like, and then, and then the person to be on the camera is
like, can I help you? And I was like, can you help me?
I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
I was like, what are you fuckingdoing?
And and they, they were like, oh, it's for a project.
I was like, I don't care. Like I fucking live there.
I was like, I'm going to have towalk my kids to school through,
(47:08):
through paint. I like, like people walk their
dogs through fucking paint. It's going to look like you're
going to be able to track peoplewhere they go.
And I was like, you're going to be able to see where I've been
tonight. And they, I remember they said
to me they were like, well, it'sjust the street, isn't it?
And and that for me that is like, that is, and this is like
(47:28):
my most like your dad fucking this is like I I was like
properly, I was like, God, fucking kids have got no
respect. Do you know what I mean?
No, just the fucking street. I was like, I pay for this
street, you cunt. I was like, I fucking pay
counter tax for this fucking St.And so I said, I, I basically, I
(47:49):
made them clean it up. I said I was like, I was, I was
like, I fucking did. I was like, I was like fucking,
I was like, you can't just leavethat.
And they were like, well, we don't know how to clean it.
I was like, we shouldn't have fucking put it on the floor
then, should ya? I was like, I was like, how'd
you work out how to use the camera?
And they were like, what do you mean?
I was like, how'd you know how to use the camera?
They were like, we googled it. I was like, so Google that I
fucking clean the paint up. So they googled it and they were
like white spirit. I was like fucking hardware shop
(48:10):
there and, and I went in my house and this is I was fucking
ashamed of myself for this. I went in my house and I was
like husted by the window, just peering through the curtains.
It makes and they, they went to walk off and I went, I was like
that way, that way, hardware shop that way.
And I fucking, I went and stood,stood in front and I just
watched them and I made them do it because fuck that.
You shouldn't be able to just fucking throw paint on the
(48:30):
floor. I mean, it's fuck, it's fuck,
it's fuck and it's, and it's also right, posh little fucking
art students. They will get away with that.
If that's 2 little shits in hoodies, someone's phoning
police, aren't they? If that's 2 little shits in
hoodies, you find the police, people find the police straight
away. Like 2 little shits in hoodies
wouldn't even be able to smoke on the corner of the street.
Someone will find the police fucking.
(48:51):
These are students with a stupidhair shouting about George Bush.
I I live in a new build estate. This is funny.
I can imagine you're doing this.This is great.
This I know the proper like antifun.
Do you know? What I mean?
Kids fighting balls. Are you in the WhatsApp group?
I'm not in the WhatsApp group orFacebook group though.
And they're like, you know, don't there's this communal
(49:13):
hedge that is seen as like this fucking sentient being that
young. We cannot have a Don't let
someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Believe these two kids play footon like the little patch of
grass. There's cones out.
Nothing just like little dribbling skills and passing to
each other. Not, you know, a full on brawl.
(49:37):
Yeah, yeah, literally just real gentle kids, like 8-7 or eight.
The kids went in for a drink andthis guy went out, clicked all
the cones and nicked the ball. Oh my God.
You nicked the kids cones so fucking.
Sad by order of Sky Atlantic. You know it's hard though.
(50:02):
It's hard. You get hold of and I I think
this is. You look scared of kids.
Yeah, fucking terrified. I'm fucking terrified.
Of them. I'm so scared of kids, right?
We, we, we because we announced like a tour for the podcast the
other day. We filmed this thing in
Leicester Square. That's really goodbye.
Well. Done.
Thank you, mate. And we, we, we, we filmed this
(50:23):
thing in Leicester Square of like pretending to do that thing
of do you have a dream? And then I said, that's Jake.
And he was like, oh, I want to go on a tour and we made this
sort of spoof video. But we're basically, I'd never
done anything well filmed in public before.
And there was these fucking, it's Leicester Square as well.
So there was these like 10, I think they were like Portuguese,
like Spanish, like like exchangestudents.
But you could see they were likelittle shits and they're
watching us. And I had to genuinely say to
(50:45):
the guy holding the camera, I was like, just keep an eye on
those kids and if they come close to me, tell me because I
thought they were just going to fucking scag me.
I thought they were just going to, I thought to be there.
I was like, that'd be fucking funny.
Some cunt there with a fucking lapel mic going excuse me.
And they're just fucking scare me straight away.
I had to do it. I had to do it in the street.
(51:06):
You're still Ryan just like, Oh yeah, positive sort of thing.
I was doing some stuff with him.Some positive stuff.
Yeah, I was like the, the juxtaposition of me on it, you
know, you know, just want to go round, ask people like for
advice, like advice on being positive and stuff in the
street. I couldn't do it.
I was absolutely anxiety going through what did you have to do
(51:28):
going people in the city centre saying like, you know, oh,
what's have you got any advice to the next generation?
That's the pussy like. Fucking leaving home like that
man. It it makes you realise that
it's easy to look down on that, but it's fucking hard to do.
Oh, it's, you know what I mean. Or still Ryan or whoever.
People that do stuff like that, it's easy to take the piss out
(51:48):
of them. Tick tockers and that it's
fucking hard. I've worked, I've worked in call
centres all like pretty much allmy life.
I'm I'm very used to being called cunt and.
You know. Fuck off annoying me and stuff,
that's fine. Yeah, on the Because it's just
the next phone call. Yeah, face to face.
It's brutal, man. What sort?
What sort of stuff did you have to do?
Coursework. Oh, everything.
Assault funerals. Yeah, assault funeral plans.
(52:11):
That was grim. Oh no cold calling.
So are you cold calling widows? Have you got a list of oh
fucking? You're sending bitches.
Going through that bit of paper that is fucking.
I had a guy to guy at the Margo.I had a little fucking link now
(52:34):
it was Co-op funeral so they'd already passed away.
In the phone was like just saw like the abdomen side.
Effects. Oh, so you're not calling them?
Not work on them for that. I wouldn't call them for that
line no, but could be a bit risky with, you know, humour and
stuff. But I've done, I've done like
PPI debt management, like real grim stuff, like literally call,
(52:57):
call it out of a phone book and saying like if you had a loan in
the last five years, we could try and claim it back.
Is it a scam? Well, a scam now, but it was,
well, it was, I work for this company, a state management
company. So what they do, they pay like
(53:17):
so they can afford, they say they owe 10 grand of debt to
five creditors. Yeah, they'll, they'll afford
£100 a month and we'll split that £100 a month in a
percentage wise of what they oweto each company.
Say they owe Lloyds 33% of the day, they'll get £33 so on and
so on. So they'll, they'll pay whatever
(53:38):
day they get paid on. So we get money all throughout
the month and then the 5th of the month is our payment run.
It's all the money that we have.We sent to every credit for
every customer that we have. There are thousands of customers
and what they used to do every year.
This is salt, but I found this out.
I I couldn't believe we were on Watchdog.
(53:58):
The guy who owned it was my uncle and he's been on Watchdog.
His company's been on Watchdog before.
You're always like, are you partying as well, Peter?
All this stuff back. They cut all the money, the
November payments to pay them out in December.
They used all that money for a lavish works to a Golf Club and
(54:20):
then when it got back to January, they just emailed every
creditor and just said, oh, Mrs.Smith can't pay this month
because of Christmas, blah, blah, blah.
And because it's only 8 lbs, youknow, because it's only 8 lbs
that credit, they're like, yeah,whatever.
And they'll never know because the customer signs an agreement
that the only the company will never speak to them both the
(54:45):
only speak to us. They like their buffer.
So yeah, we'll just rub it. That's the thing with all these
calls, it's. So illegal.
But it's those people that you're and you're not really
fucking anyone there. As you say, it's £8 or whatever.
Yeah, it's £8 is. But all the people you talk to
(55:06):
when you do a call centre job isbecause I I did a charity one.
I've done. Them and it's like it's people
who've already given a bit for charity, but you're phoning up
trying to get a bit more do you know what I mean?
You're, you're oh, Miss Mr. Smith, I know you gave 5 lbs to,
to, you know, this last year, but you know, fucking UNICEF, we
really need it. Do you know what I mean?
Everything that's going on And so, but what you quickly realize
(55:27):
is the the main people that giveto charity, This is mental.
It is pensioners, students and unemployed people in it.
It is, it is, I don't know. It's because they've got time on
their hands. It's because they've got time on
their hands to do it. So the amount of times I'd
fucking phone, you know, oh, hello, is this, is this Mrs. is
this Mrs. Brown? Yeah, this is fucking 80 year
(55:50):
old woman. And you're like, oh, look, we're
very grateful for what you gave.And I don't know if you had this
where you have to get, they haveto say no three times.
Oh yeah, yeah, object objection handling.
Yeah, they have to say no three times.
And I remember the what the lastone I did before and I did the
same as you. I just walked out and then come
back is I was, I was doing it for the Tigers World Wildlife
Fund. I was for the tigers.
I was like, hello, is that Mrs. Brown?
(56:10):
Yeah, I was like, you know, you just read the script, you go, we
hope, we hope you've had a great2020.
Well, I mean, what fucking 2012,whatever it'll be at the time.
And she goes, my husband died last week.
But because I've been so shit, Ihad this like coach guy.
There was like this sales coach guy.
Did you ever get them these guyswho were like coaching all the
teams to get you better at fucking doing the calls?
And this guy was literally sat next to me and and she went,
(56:32):
yeah, my husband died last week.I looked at the guy and he was
like, so I was like, well, here at the Wildlife Fund, we've got
a really important message aboutSiberian tigers.
She's like, she's like. OK.
And I'm like, yeah, it's been a real cold winter in Siberia this
year. And the tigers, the tigers need,
the tigers need extra insulation.
(56:54):
And she's going OK, It's just the funeral was really.
And he was like, and he was like, that's only the second
night. That's only the second night.
Fucking go to just keep talking about fucking tigers you've got.
Fuckers, you'll be the person todo that.
Haven't you the ruthless? One scene.
But is it That's what they, theyget these coaches and they're
like fucking Stephen Bartlett style, fucking come on, man, we
(57:16):
can do it. And they got fucking pictures of
flowers on whiteboards and every, every sale that you make,
you get another petal on your flower.
And if you get a full petal, youget a box of beer at the end of
the week. Do you know what I mean?
It's literally selling, selling Tiger insurance to widows,
selling, selling fucking box of cars, man.
Can I, can we, can we buy a snake a new heart with the money
(57:38):
that you've inherited from your dead house?
Oh yeah, I work. I work start line like car
insurance. It's not as grim, but you've got
every call is an opportunity to sell.
And you know how annoying it is?Like people have called up just
to change The Reg or whatever orcheck and and the upselling and
(58:00):
upselling. You can see him getting annoyed.
I mean, not everything has to bea sale.
Why does it have to be this fucking world you're coming into
like motivational quotes and stuff on the Oh my God, it's
just relentless. It's awful.
It's imagine living like that, like it's one thing someone else
saying all that stuff to you, but imagine just thinking it
without someone. Do you know what I mean?
(58:21):
Imagine thinking that stuff without someone telling you to
you man, if you get all so much people on Instagram now, these
people would like, do you want to make yourself more
productive? Do you want to work harder or
every time? I fucking know.
No what? Leslie.
So can I ask a question over in call centres because you have
both worked on them? Is it true?
(58:41):
Mind you it's more if it's cold call and if you're nice of the
if you tell a person to fuck off.
So say you call me cold call andI go fuck off mate, put the
phone down. If I'm not like that and I'm
nice, do you then take me off the list to cold call?
I do well, it's what I used to do genuinely, but I used to cold
(59:02):
call for like PPI, Understand it's frustrating.
Some people go well, I know you're undoing a job, that's
fine. That's all they need that
acknowledgement. I'm only doing a job, but some
nasty people, What I used to do,because I have their name,
number and often address, e-mailaddress, I'd sign them up to
junk mail websites. And I had a real homophobic guy
(59:23):
and I just subscribed into everygay bar in Canal Street, just
got because I had his e-mail. So he was just getting, he was
getting office for heaven and stuff.
Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.
That's. Probably like closeted.
Because they're never going to find out who.
It's probably like closeted guy who's got like deep sea in
insecurities. He's probably ended up bumming
(59:43):
someone for the first time. You're just.
Giving me a lot of homophobic slurs on the phone because I
rang him to ask if you need, if you wanted some because I'd like
probably had a bit of a camp camp of foul voice to try and
you know, get sales. That's what coached into you
like. Come on John God, how about your
(01:00:09):
PPI? It's just someone told me that's
how I've always been dead. Nicer cold cold.
Yeah, because it's they're depressed.
Yeah, they don't want to. They're in the middle of like a
soulless 10 hour shift where every minute of the day is
tracked. You know where you've got like
log your phone if you go for a piss and if you're 2 minutes
(01:00:32):
over then. Oh, mate.
And it and it does. Just like as soon as someone
hangs up, hangs up, it just rings straight away.
It just rings straight. It's there's like a beat and it
just fucking rings straight away.
Just walk in. Yeah, a Direct Line.
And they had like screens of howmany people are in the queue.
So you come in and you, you just, you're like closing your
(01:00:54):
eyes and looking up. Like please be a low number
because it's a high number. I'm not getting a break in
between cars because sometimes if it's quiet, usually quiet
around December car insurance places and if it's quiet and you
come in and it's got zero in thequeue, you're like, I'm going to
have a little, I'm going to havea little break and don't have to
record a break. It's like cheating time.
(01:01:17):
Yeah, you get paid to sit. Oh my God, with us.
We're going to have to wrap up because it's quarter past.
So you're. Looking at killing our fun man.
I mean, it's Jake. Getting me to get well, it's me,
I've gotta go to do a gig. Well, thank you very much for
coming down mate. Where can people find you?
And Screen Rock podcasts. Go watch it.
(01:01:39):
Very, very funny. YouTube and and Spotify and
Apple and everything like that. And then I'm at Jacob Hawley on
Instagram. Very fine stand up.
Go and watch him do stand up comedy.
First show I watched Edinburgh Fringe ever.
And he's never been back. There's a wrinkle endorsement.
Very good stand up, a very funnypodcast.
Go and check him out on Instagram and on socials.
(01:02:01):
And so I Patreon, I write it 3 LB of both 2 bonus episodes a
week, including one in front of a live audience.
Live audience. We have a weekly live show, 10
LB ticket, common watchers, pod,raw podding, no plans, no
quality. So it's fun come down and check
(01:02:22):
that out. And I think that's all I need to
plug this week. Do you want to say why Tony?
Isn't he that quick? Tony's not here because Trent's
leaving a new SAT. He he said like I can't with all
this going on with Trent and stuff because he knows the
family that and he's he's torn between what it's called him a
rat for it to play for Real Madrid is is caught in between
(01:02:50):
22 paths of loyalty. So his head's not in the game
because Trent's leaving and he's33 and that's pathetic.
But he'll be back next week, I'msure, unless Van Dyke announces
he's going more next week. Love you lots.
Bye, bye, bye.
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(01:38):
If you see a flashlight like a torch, that's like 5.
Flashlight. We do actually have flashlights,
so we had a Pawn Star on Sunny Tate and she brought us
flashlight goodies. You.
Count them to make sure Tony didn't Taylor.
(01:59):
Well, of Fanny. That's the moment of Fanny.
Yeah. And during the big move from
Blackstock, they went missing. Well.
We had three. Two of them have gone missing.
Yeah. So the staff have been 2 have
had them all allegedly our delivery drivers.
I did them when I did have a word, they they gave me this
(02:20):
calendar at the end, just like fucking pick your day that you
were born thing and it was like a little plastic Fanny that I
want. And it was it was.
It was a thing of like, you don't want to take it home in
front of them, but it was a partof me that was like.
You get a plastic Fanny. I'll have a word now.
They, I think that they had some, they had some.
Soul behind one. They had some like love honey
thing and then they were like what day you born?
(02:42):
I was like the 4th. They were like open that fix.
It was it was December. So they were like, it's like an
advent calendar. Do you know what I mean?
It's like a love honey advent calendar.
Yeah. So I pulled out this fucking
yeah. Like a sort of flesh like do you
know what it was like? You know, you get those toys
that you can sort of put your finger through like that and
it's sort of. It's like like squid.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one of them.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
I sort of wanted to fuck one. Put me Dick in one, yeah.
(03:04):
Have you done it? Probably.
Do you think? I'd imagine so.
The one that make fat noises. No, the one I'm thinking of, it
sort of rolls through itself. Do you know what I mean?
It's like a little never ending tunnel.
Do you want to go? That's so bad?
He's got a little funny campaign.
That would be a perfect fucking sponsor for us, wouldn't he?
(03:28):
No. How many females you're?
Too fat disgusted men. That's why you have an army of
insoles. Listen to IS.
That what it is. That's why it'd be perfect.
We had a live show every week and we just have so many
bewildered girlfriends. Yeah, that's, that's, this is
what you listen to, man. That's my tour.
Now, I don't know about you, butthat's my fucking tour.
It's just these blokes in like vintage football shirts and
(03:50):
Reebok trainers and then these girlfriends and, and the amount
of them, because we do. I was doing merch at the end of
my tour and the amount. And then like the girlfriends
come up and they'll say something.
They'll be like, I actually really enjoyed that.
But it's actually, it's always actually, it's like I thought I
was going to fucking hate this. You do it actually.
All right. Oh yeah, we've had a lot of the
girls dragged. I had a message off a Patreon.
(04:12):
He's coming with his beard, his niece and hair fella.
His bed seen bits but his niece,his niece has not seen anything
and they're coming to a live show.
I was like. Oh, we had a, we had a guy in
last week, he's come with his mum and stepdad, so he's on the
2nd row and we've got Wayne Lineker in, He's a double Wayne
Lineker. That guy was you.
(04:32):
In I wasn't there that one. But you've seen it though.
You've seen him. He's the double Wayne Lineker,
and he'd never watched us before, so he just thinks he's
getting insulted and he's just so he was so fucking aggressive.
Was it? Did he say something bad to you?
Yeah, he was just, he was like, he asked him what his name was
and he gave a fake name and all this, you know, this like then
(04:54):
think, oh, you've got the comedian here.
What is all? My name's Ron.
It's not Ron, Steve. And he's like, what you doing,
mate? You went fucking you up.
Well OK, fuck's sake. Bringing your fucking mum and
dad to comedy shows. Come on your own.
There's a lot more honour in that.
(05:20):
Oh God, berating him. No, I was just checking.
It just isn't a. Great.
Have you done live screen rot? Yeah, we've done, we've done 2
and we're doing, we just, we, weannounced a tour this week
actually. Oh, it's good on sales patrons.
And then it's on general sale tomorrow, Friday.
Get on that screen, rock pod. Yeah, I'm sick of plugging me.
(05:44):
You do do the best. Ads.
I'm great. Ads.
I got sat. We got sat from an advert for
the sponsor. Which one?
Better help. I really.
Yeah. Therapy guys.
Yeah. What did you say?
I said it's all the country. Kill yourself.
But if you don't want to, betterhelp take the gum bridge of it.
That's disgusting. That's, that's the exact
(06:04):
response you should have for this thing.
Alcohol and then therapy. Yeah.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
It's Friday night and then Sunday.
I want some, I want some, I wantsome.
Bookies. Affiliates.
Is that? Yeah.
Why have you not been approachedwith that yet?
No. That's amazing, you know,
because you see all these sort of like football, YouTube,
football fucking podcast to people who are always like use
(06:26):
Tom Garrett 10 and you get a tenner off with Unibet or
whatever that is mental. You've not been given that yet.
I got asked to promote an onlinetipster.
I mean, are you paying £50 a month?
Yeah. Yeah, which one?
It's called insider Edge, but I said no because I know what plug
paid paid tips. Do you what I mean why?
(06:49):
That's right, it's dodgy little area.
Do you, do you not? Do you not reckon they're all
legit? The services?
No, I follow a few of them. Do you know?
Do you know the mush? Do you know him?
Hello Mush racing Twitter is a bombsight.
Man mate, it's so. Fucking love.
Racing, You know the mush. Do you know the mush?
No, no. I'm.
Not fucking help this guy. It's from.
Bristol, isn't it? No, no, Portsmouth, Portsmouth.
(07:10):
It's it's a well, it's a very, very weird accent.
It's the only place around therewhere you have that accent.
It's somewhere between sort of Giza like London and, as you
say, like fucking West Country, West Country.
All right, mate, Oh fucking mush.
Come on. Like, like it's, it's, it's a
mad. And this guy, he's been to jail
because he was fucking over the bookies, wasn't he?
(07:31):
He was fucking around him and his dad conned the bookies for
years, went to jail, came out. He's a tipster now, but he's
like, he's barely in the UK because there's so many people
who want to fucking kill him. So he's just, he's just going
around Thailand fucking. Shagging prostitutes.
Filming himself shagging prostitutes like it, like he
will literally film himself likefucking snogging a prostitute
(07:52):
like that and and use that as a kind of this is the life I can
afford because my tips if you, if you want to live with me,
mate, if you want to get yourself out to Thailand and
fucking shag a lot of girls likethis, you got to get on my tips.
It's fucking amazing. I love racing.
Twitter is so, so exponentially great.
It's like the circuit joy. There's like little fat Goths
(08:15):
and bitching and backstabbing and alliances.
They. All hate each other.
They hate each other. And now there's tipster exposer.
Well. Mate, Yeah, yeah.
Where they then have a rivalry and who exposes that?
Who's better is exposing than Yeah, yeah.
It started off that there there was like a league table of the
tipsters of who was up, who was down, who's who had had more
(08:36):
wins than the others. And then the people making the
league tables was like your league tables.
So there's no league tables of who's got the best documents.
With that it's like. If they get called out, everyone
gets called out loose. Do you follow the guy?
Dan Frankham? Yeah, he's.
He's fucking funny. He's he's proper, he's he's one
(08:58):
of the hated ones that I just watch it from Afari, but he's
really he's. Been accused of some bad stuff,
isn't he? Yeah, I think, well they all do
all the all cheat and stuff. They all, they all have fucking
mad lives. So they one, I think it was
racing Blogger, you know. Yeah.
Stephen. Stephen Power.
Stephen Power. He I'm pretty sure it's him.
(09:18):
His house got smashed up by the mesh.
So I'm actually quite careful ofhow I speak about the mushroom
online now because because this,this fucking racing Blogger guy,
he filmed himself once coming home and like, his car's been
smashed up, the fucking windows of his house have been done.
And then so whoever's done it has spray painted like, you
know, at mush tips on the side of his house.
(09:40):
They're fucking terrifying. Like racing toy is just fucking
amazing. That's like mafia shit that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cheltenham last week obviously
just gone. How'd you get on?
I I really won. Did you?
Yeah. I was up about two, 2400,
something like that. Is that the best?
Is that the best Cheltenham you've had?
(10:02):
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, it's up there.
You're not 9 as a success I'm. Not known.
I'm not known as really a success, but child them tend to
do well. Last two child limbs have been
really profitable. Yeah, this one was really good.
I was one away from 25 bags, goton the first say the first two
(10:23):
winners, 18 to 112 to one going on to 12:50, which lost.
But so one 2 1/2 grand off that bet and could both because a lot
of the favourites got beat, a lot of fancy stars he's got
beat. All these tipsters, they just
tweet favorites. They just tip favourites and
they have five points on it, like your maximum bet on
(10:46):
Ballyburn or whatever. Yeah, and they all lost and they
all started calling it a con stuff.
Yeah, they all they all got fucked on Constitution.
Hill, didn't they? Yeah.
That was a big one. That was, there's a video of
that Stephen Power watching Constitution Hill go down.
And it was like the end of the week, wasn't it?
And. That was galloping Deschamps.
Sorry, that was it in the pub and.
Then someone behind him has obviously got, I know the way
(11:07):
you're thinking, but his his best one ever was enable.
Obviously in the enable one, no.So this was a few years ago in
France and Abel, it won the arc.I think it's won two arcs, which
is going for 1/3, which is, you know, unprecedented.
And he had his biggest ever antipost about it.
I think he had five grand at 5:00 to 1:00.
(11:28):
That's win 30 grand in total andshe's leading with Alpha failed
to go. It pissed down rain really heavy
ground. So it gets quite soft in France
anyway, really heavy ground. And she's winning and she looks
for the world. She's gonna win.
And he comes sprinting out from the stands and going, God enable
history, history, history. Oh, she's beat.
(11:50):
Ohh get amazing. Painful.
I don't know how you do it. You know, but I'm watching a
race, though. I go soul Partridge.
Really I if I'm winning, I'm like, come on, fulfill your
destiny. It's.
A fucking horse, it doesn't wantto be there.
It's fucking animal rights. People queued up outside being
(12:13):
like, leave the horses alone. You're telling them to fulfill.
That's when your dreams come true.
You're going to, you're going towant it.
I'm like a I'm like a Sunday league manager, you know, like
when you got to want it. Fucking it.
I would mate someone that I grewup with, they used to watch it,
but they used to like they used to get really on it whilst
watching it and they they sent me videos and they're like,
(12:34):
there's two of them, Joe and Kim, and they fucking you know,
they'd be like naked on each other's backs, fucking not doing
all that as they're watching it.It's a fucking it's a dirty way
to live, like sat sat in the living room, curtains closed.
What's in that is fucking bleak.Oh.
Fucking love it. Anyone.
(12:56):
Something that's essential, living vicariously through,
you'll be doing it with football, obviously.
You get so passionate about football and you, and when you
take a step back from it, you think I'm living in vicariously
through Fernandez or Sacco or, you know, Salah, whatever.
And you're like, I'm relying on another man for my happiness
here. I'm relying on another species.
(13:20):
The only thing more pathetic than projecting your life?
122 blokes you've never met. It's a fucking animal.
An animal that wouldn't fucking look at you.
So how long the horses normally last, like obviously sometimes
they end up having to get shot or whatever, but a normal
average, not like the best an average, how long will that?
(13:42):
Run for like mid 20s. So it it'll run for 30 years.
Oh, it won't run. No, no, no.
That's what I mean. So how long are?
They on the on the jumps. So the jumps are there's two
types, horse racing, the flat and the jumps.
The flat is where all the money is.
It's proper like it's LOB side. It's like the London circuit or
the fucking dozer, do you know what I mean?
(14:02):
And where the North like fuckingthe Northwest circuit?
It's cooler, it's better, but ultimately we won't have a
career. You.
Fucking say that. That's not what's happened in
the last five years, is it? That's not what's happened in
the last five. Against the odds.
So flat horses, they'll really good flat horses.
(14:23):
They'll retire at 4:00, three orfour years old and just got a
sudden shock by 100 grand a shock.
Whereas the jumps, horses, they have the willies chopped off.
It's calm them down so they get gelded.
The will, not just the. Not the balls, the willies.
They actually get their whole cooked.
Yeah, yeah. So they become gelded.
(14:44):
So they there's no value to themin retirement.
They can't breathe. They can't breathe.
So they just like, yeah, just run around to E12 and when
they're 12, what's sad is when they get to about 11:12, there's
a veteran circuit and it's just like, oh, these these ones,
great horses. Like just fucking retire than me
(15:05):
just fucking Wheeling him out like fucking knackered.
No cock they've got. No cock.
No cock a shit jockey on to likegive them experience and they're
like just fucking retired. That's cruel.
Watching, watching these 1213 year olds, which is it's like
we're watching Masters football,you know what I mean?
(15:25):
I'm just like, just let him fucking die.
Del Piero again. Del Piero and Canavaro dragged
out for another fucking charity match in Dubai.
Merson tried to drop his shoulder because his skin just
fucking let him retire. He's done his bollocks again,
bollocks his bollocks again. Merson's got a Sunday team just
(15:48):
to get a mortgage paid. I love Merson's book, you know.
I love Merson. I love.
Him Merson for me is what pundits should be like.
He's I'm not accusing him of being drunk.
They still, he still talks like he drinks.
Do you know what I mean? He still talks like a drinking
(16:09):
man when you watch him on telly or when you watch him on
podcasts and stuff. I like the facts.
You can't pronounce names and stuff.
No, I think there's endearance because it's like watching it
with someone in the pub. Like a dad in the pub.
Yeah. And they can't pronounce like an
Eastern European name. Do you know what?
I mean, no, no, no, they're not doing it's be horrible.
No, they're not doing it to be like disrespectful.
This was fucking cool. It's.
Like this is Z there? What am I meant to do with that?
(16:30):
Yeah. If that Georgian kid, you know
that Georgian kid who comes to PSG from that show, Yeah.
Can you say it? Yeah, because Theon fucking
shagged him. Because he doesn't.
Shut up, doesn't he? I've never even met Theon and he
texted me about that fucking player fucking 2 in the morning
on Saturday. That's that's his peak chat.
Yeah, yeah, he's a. Children footballer.
(16:52):
He's he's, he's, he's, he's, he's like fucking projected all
these ideas that he's this fucking like communist hero.
Yeah, yeah, the guy, the guy probably doesn't give a fuck
about anything like that, do youknow what I mean?
But it feels fucking he, he thinks he's this Soviet hero.
If that guy had come to the Premier League, the amount of
(17:13):
dads who'd be so fucked, do you know what I mean?
The amount of dads who would have no idea what to say when he
scores a goal. You know, one thing I don't like
about pundits as well is how everyone gets I got you because
they get a prediction wrong. Yeah.
Yeah, it looks like they've beenput on the spot to say usually
win the league and stuff and then just because that team have
a shit season it's. The rule will be like the the
(17:36):
thing I think people don't get is like, they've all got to pick
someone. They've all got to pick someone
different. Do you know what I mean?
They they can't all sit there and go, oh, Man City, do you
know what I mean? There's got to be a little bit
of variety for the sake of conversation.
So it's like, of course 90% of them are going to be wrong.
But I mean, it's just nowadays it's like the fucking and I this
is like one of my most like yourda opinions.
(17:57):
Oh. Mate, I'd say influences on
television talking about football.
I can't fucking do it, man. I don't care.
I know it's not good, but you know that old panel?
You know the old Saturday panel of.
Like Charlie, Nicholas Rose. Jim Rosenthal Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That that for me, that is that'swhen it was good.
(18:17):
And now fucking Chunks and some fucking idiot.
Do you know what I mean? And they're there and and and it
do you know what they always do now?
They always, it's always like, because I think what they've
realized is if you, if you just talk about who won last week,
that content's dead in a day. Do you know what I mean?
So now it's constantly. It's better salary, Ronaldo.
Unreal Ronaldo, unreal salad, doyou know what I mean?
(18:40):
All this fucking stuff and it's like, who cares?
Do you know what I mean? Because I think as well, like
they get people like that. Oh, you're right.
Oh, Oh no, I'm not mine. This is you remember the taxi
driver I saw you about. Oh, yeah.
(19:00):
Hiya. What's your tick tock again,
Liverpool? Net.
Liverpool net go for Liverpool net on TikTok.
Jay Frank. I can't appreciate that.
That was sick. Though I told you I got an Uber
(19:20):
here and Liverpool that just show me a TikTok thing.
I said you should change names to the taxi queen.
I think that's a good little brand for you there.
Sounds a bit. So I'm going to do stand up next
week. You had you had her hair first.
There you go, she's. Discovered new talent.
She's got a plug now, but. Fucking yeah fucking fucking
(19:41):
forgot, man. She knew they weren't in your
hair. She just wanted to get a plug.
She just wanted to get a plug. I've got Is she back?
Was she back from she? Followed you too.
I said Jess, drop, drop your name and open mic, you'll be
sound. And then she felt fucked down.
I'm coming in. I'm coming on the book.
That's how he got a job, that's how he got the job.
(20:03):
Is that how I got the? Job Did he give a lift to bin
and end up producing this part? Really.
Yeah, so. I did used to do this like in
union store for hate to end up getting bored at our job.
So I went on a taxis and then hemeant I got Binti.
I recognized him from years ago.I was like, do you all not worth
it? And then he said I am.
They haven't got a producer at the minute.
So then I sent him an e-mail like this is going to sound a
(20:25):
bit mad and I'm a taxi driver, but here's me show real on TV.
I've done it before. Yeah, it's done a little trial
and then now that you've got me doing it all.
You have a shot, shot. This is I'm, I'm now like I'm
now I'm now thinking I'm like, all I need to do is get in the
right taxi in Liverpool and I could do anything.
That's why they fucking pinch myself for anything.
I could be, I could be in the next Bonnie Blue video, but just
(20:48):
getting in the right cab in fucking Liverpool.
It's like, you know, there's that, you know, there's that
TikTok guy walks around and goes, excuse me, have you got a
dream? It's like that's like the
Liverpool taxi city. You can just say whatever you
want. I could end up anywhere.
She's on the fucking podcast now.
You're making the podcast, That's how.
Easy, we are a booking guess. Mate, when I get back to London
(21:08):
I'll get back to London. All these fucking new acts will
be like, how do you get a spot of hot water?
So you just got to get. A cab just.
Get your cab. Do the knowledge?
Get your license, get registeredwith Uber.
Just find Jamie Hutchinson. Pretend he's lost his headphones
and you. I did it.
I had to interview him and I wasjust so hungover.
(21:31):
I was like, listen, can you do it?
He interviewed. You.
Yeah, I interviewed him. For the that's fucking mental
that's bad you doing job. Imagine that's the post you're.
Trying to look like screenshots.So I always work and I was just
(21:51):
head down. I went drop a pint.
He went, yeah, I went, listen, I've been sent a list of
questions because Paul was meantto do it.
The owner. Well, Ben, Ben, he said he like
a few questions. It was like, just make sure I
went. Yeah, yeah.
Well, listen, can you do? Can do you like editing when?
Yeah. Can you do it?
Yeah. You got the job.
(22:11):
Just don't knife in me for 10 minutes.
Second question was, do you wantto paint?
And I said no because, one, I was about to go and film with
them, and two, I was just like, I'm not, I'm not drinking, you
know what I mean? I was just trying to say that.
Yeah, and I was like, that's what they did every every job
interview, hot water, they just send you out, ask someone if
(22:33):
they want to buy doorman fuckingfast stuff.
It doesn't matter. And if they drink with you, they
can't have a fucking job. That's right.
Now they're. Going to be poisoned.
Get them off my dog. Because I liked a little, I used
to interview teenage girls. Obviously the you do look like
(22:55):
someone who likes to be would becornered in a Morrison's car
park. I would say, have you been, have
you been a teenage girl or something?
I pretended to be a teenager online so that you would
interview me. Yeah, I used to work for a
hairdresser Academy, so I had to.
And if you want to be hairdressers?
(23:18):
How old are you? This is my last job before stand
up so 2829. What you were doing it while you
were doing stand up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, why were you? Why were you?
Why were you that? Was what that was a bum?
You worked. You worked.
You worked for. Hair Trusted Academy?
What? Like what's for hair?
(23:39):
Can you cut hair? No, I'm in sales, so I used to
get salons to take on these girls.
So you work to recruitment I you.
Work to recruit you just don't want to say you work to
recruitment you fucking. Work to recruit.
I didn't work in recruitment, I worked.
(24:01):
In sales I'd rather say it was the traffic of the recruit.
I'd rather be a tape brother than an apprentice can do it.
There's less shame. Rumours lower than fucking
shame. In moving kids for money than
there is in working in. Recruit fucking slugging latest
(24:22):
Christmas dude and. All things up, be at one on a
Friday at 4:30. Dangerous time to be quite a
brutal. All Secret Santa is just
swapping Stephen Bartlett's book.
Yeah. Oh, I thought that one so.
You you used to interview. Yeah you shouldn't.
You've interviewed TH girls and get 5 but the good.
(24:44):
Get 5 imagine you're have you got kids you got kids have you
not got kids No no, I've got a kid I've got I've got two I've
got a four year old girl right imagine you for right fucking 12
years time. Do you know why I'm going with
this 2A piece? Time she goes, yeah, I want to
be hairdressed, Dad. I was like, yeah, see, does a
(25:05):
little fucking B.Tech and then right, you got to go meet this
man. This is fucking him.
Can you drop me off on the bench?
What did he ask? You, he asked you, he bought a
pint. A bit of a red flag.
A bit of a red flag. The thing is, so it's a
(25:25):
briefless industry. Hairdressing man, hairdresser is
brutal. So we had loads of different
salons, some in the city centre and some in like rough districts
of Manchester, You know, What are you doing?
You're making me nervous. I was.
Looking for. Before and so you didn't if you
I'd say 70% of these girls are just coming here because they've
(25:49):
not got any GCS, ES and it's their last option there's.
Nothing to do. There's nothing to do, so they
don't want it and they're unmotivated.
They just shrug through their interview and you have to give
them a score out of 10. It's like fucking painful.
And then every now and then you get a girl who really loves
hairdressing. One sort of family of
hairdressers, really dedicated, really wants really what are.
(26:12):
You, you never care. Fucking hairdresser who comes
from. You do really fucking do you
have a family of cleaners you're.
Fucking comedian, You've never cleaned anything in your fucking
life. What are you doing?
I bought them all fucking bullets.
I bought them. All I sort of think you are a
(26:34):
fucking child trafficker. This is bollocks.
Every now and then you'd get onewho came from a family of
hairdressers. When have you ever had your
haircut? And they go, well, this is what
my dad did. So I just I inherited the
scissors. What else can I do when?
You started what? Go into law?
No son of mine's going into law.You carry on the tradition like
(26:55):
you. You think I wanted to clip hair
you think I wanted to see? So I said to my manager and oh
look, got this girl here. She's a, she's a nine or a 10
out of 10 interview style. I recommend her for like a posh
city centre salon because they are very particular about who
(27:18):
they want. You like the Sorting Hat?
A family of hairdressers and he,he pared into like the interview
room. He went, oh, is it her?
I went, yeah, yeah, she went oh,she's not city centre.
(27:39):
What do you mean what? She's not city centre?
And she was too fat to work in acity centre song because they
are so concerned about, you know, the image and stuff.
They wouldn't take this fat girlon, even though she was, she so
wanted to be a hairdresser. That's what happens.
I mean, like, I mean, I had to send it to Eccles.
(28:01):
Some fucking hairdressers in thegarage.
Yeah. Yeah, had to send her up to be
charged for it. To be a Raven, that's all you're
good for. So then you're in, then you're
in the then you're like quite pressured into sort of rate in
(28:24):
them on attractiveness and they're like 16 year old girls
who's so fucking in on yeah. It's weird that.
Is really creepy. Yeah, that's why I left.
That's fucking. Is that is that really why you
left? That's why I left.
That's part of the reason why I left.
Comedy Government. No, I got.
I got so pissed I just didn't goback in for a week because I
(28:46):
didn't turn up for two days and the anxiety was building up so
one day I just deleted everyone's number, quit, didn't
go back. I've still officially worked
there. They're.
Still waiting. They're like a kid whose dad's
walked out and it's still got hope that Jamie's going to come
back. Just one fat girl in the
interview room. Is he coming back?
(29:07):
Any minute now. He's just got to get Clippers.
That that was, I can't believe that was your last job.
That was your last job? Yeah.
Swap, swap, swap that for this and that.
Now you get to pick the prettiest podcast producers to.
Pick the pretty ones. He's he's city centre.
Yeah, he's, I mean the. Camera.
So I'm not Well, yeah. He's that Have a word?
(29:31):
I don't, I don't want to slag him off while he's not here, but
the fact that Tony is fucking city centre and you're not,
that's crazy. That's crazy.
I mean, it could be worse. You could have got dead.
Man. Are we the ugliest part?
We might be the ugliest part. No.
I think we might be up there. You know there's uglier than you
(29:53):
guys. Do you know what that as I'm
saying this, I'm like, podcasts are generally decent looking,
aren't they? Yeah, shits and gigs are good
looking man, which I've done before.
What? Which ones are shits and gigs?
Shits and gigs are few, hard andJames huge.
I was. Just saying all over like TikTok
and Skype. Stuff, right, The Scottish lads,
some laugh, They're quite, they're quiet.
(30:15):
Yeah, they're they're they're good looking, pretending they're
not, but. Yeah, but they're sneaky good
looking. That fucking, that Stu
McPherson. Yeah, I've known him for years.
Yeah, he was a big guy before, was it?
He was a big guy. Fucking went away for a bit,
came back looking like an Italian footballer, like he does
now, doesn't he? He looks like a 90s Italian
footballer. Jennings.
Jennings looking. Jennings is a fucking He looks
(30:36):
like a Debenhams model, doesn't he?
He looks like he'd be be fuckingmodelling like wedding suits.
Or something. For Burton.
Buchanan. He's good looking that so is is
is you reckon you could take Buchanan Day?
I still don't look in your eye. You're like, I could run better
looking than Buchanan. No, don't look about looking.
No chance. No.
But he's yeah, he's he's yeah. He's like keying in Westlife,
(31:01):
you know, that's the third best looking one.
Oh, so it's like he doesn't lookas good?
Yeah, he's the best looking Westlife guy, Mark.
Best looking Shane, obviously. Shane McGowan.
Oh, Shane Phelan. Oh right, he's shame.
Shane Phelan the the the head singer of Yeah Westlife, but
(31:24):
he's bankrupt. You wouldn't say.
Mark Tall, Gaylord. That's gonna say Varun.
No, that's by his own. With the Irish law.
Yeah. Love is a roller coaster.
Was he boy zone? That's boy zone, Yeah.
Fucking hell. Man.
Yeah, so I'd go Shane. Shane was #1.
(31:45):
Westlife. Yeah, well, Brian McFadden and I
always got told to look like. Brian Mcfadden's probably the
best looking out of Westlife. Jackie.
Yeah, I think, Brian, what do you think Mcfadden's?
I'm just looking at them now. Can you can.
You see the names of any of them?
Can you see the look alike between Jamie and Brian
McFadden? I had curtains all back in the
day. Did you really?
(32:05):
Yeah, for a brief. Oh gosh, all Jamie, maybe Jamie
now, Sorry, I wouldn't say so now, but you used to have long
hair than you, so maybe back when you had long hair a long.
When I first met you, you had quite long hair.
Did you? Yeah.
Do you remember when I've spent a bit of time with you at
Edinburgh? You and Jack Ledo.
Yeah. You had quite long hair then.
(32:26):
Longer. Yeah.
Or just hair. Was, well, it was, it was, it
was coming from the back, but itwas still quite long.
Oh, it was all yeah, it was all scraggy on it.
Yeah, yeah. It was long though.
It was long hair. Yeah, but it weren't long that
it was. It was long because I, I didn't
get it caught, but like a fashion choice.
It was just like greasy and longand oh, it was horrible.
(32:48):
Yeah, it was grim. Yeah.
Mate, that was. It was the first show I ever
watched in Edinburgh. Really.
Yeah, you don't go. Back much?
Now, do you ever? Don't come outside.
It's still mine. It's.
Just what this is? Going on, I'm fucking going on.
This is shit. I'm going back to the
hairdressers, I'm going back to picking out.
(33:10):
Children, it's not worth it. Don't fall your jeans.
It's fight. Yeah.
I mean, I'm in the that year youwere up there.
And I mean, I remember I liked you because I was like, he
doesn't fucking like it here either because I hated
Edinburgh. I knew he hated it and I
thought, yeah, he gets it. He fucking hates this as well.
It's just I I heard dreamers of like how people act in
(33:31):
Edinburgh, like your mates and stuff, and I had so much of
like, you know, mid conversationand go Kevin Bridges agents was
caught in Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck that is a little
nerd. Shut up.
They do that thing where you'll be talking something like this,
but you can see their eyes kind of going like that, looking over
your shoulder. Not an autism way.
(33:51):
No, no, there is a lot of that as well.
There is loads of that as well. This.
Cynical career way. But yeah, they're sort of
looking over your shoulder for someone more important to speak
to you. As if that's going to work as
well, like just walking up to them going oh, hi, I'm a
comedian. They'll like Kevin Bridges aid
and you'll just go I get. This No.
They try and hook them to be like, laugh at all the jokes and
(34:13):
just want to become the friend and then hope they cast them in
something new. Yeah.
I remember though, I was, I was talking to someone and we were
talking about another comedian and I was like, oh, how's their
run going? This other comedian and the
person I was talking to, she waslike, oh, they're having this
other person. She's like, they're having a bit
of a rough one. They've had some bad reviews,
but they're not worried now because their main focus is
(34:34):
making friends with big Americancomedians.
And they've been for dinner withtwo of them this week.
And it's like he spent fucking 10 grand to do a show and now
you're trying to make friends. You're trying to make friends
with American people who are going to fuck off back to
America in two weeks time. I don't get.
It it's psychotic. It's very weird.
It's very and it's very, it feels like school again, doesn't
(34:55):
it? I feel, I feel like what it is.
I reckon if if you, if you paid like a, a therapist to go around
and like interview like 100 of the people who who really enjoy
Edinburgh, what it would be, it'd be people who didn't enjoy
school who are now kind of performatively reliving school.
So they get to do it on their terms.
Do you know? I mean, it's people who are
quite quiet and bookish at school.
We didn't have much fun. They're now sort of redoing.
(35:18):
They've seen so many Timids ladsreal become cunts and pretty
bullies when they win a couple of competitions and stuff.
You act competitions and that. Yeah, or even get reviews at
Edinburgh and then all you'll you'll hear that they've become
a bit weird with girls. You'll hear that only you'll be
like, Oh yeah, they're a bit pushy and strange now.
(35:39):
That's because they've never hadfemale attention before, so they
don't really know what to do. And now they're like becoming a
fucking sex offender because they don't know what to do with
themselves. It's true.
I I mean I. Got a hairdressing gig?
Yeah, those fucking psychotic cough.
(36:00):
Man, some mad, mad cough. It's also, it's also like a
shit, shit bit of Scotland, Edinburgh.
It's not as good as Glasgow, Jimmy.
It's so expensive as well, isn'tit?
Like, even out out of like the born of Edinburgh, it's just an
expensive place to be. Yeah, I like Outside the Fringe
and that, yeah, just to go for aweekend, but no more than that,
(36:21):
really. Yeah, I've got a mate up there
who'll go up and see outside thefringe and it's great, but yeah,
I fucking. Hate London's got in small doses
like. Yeah.
Do you come down much? Not really, I do the odd
podcast. I remember I bumped into you
near my house. Do you remember you were staying
in my house when you were doing your London dates?
Yeah, I was doing top secret one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Staying round his round his
(36:41):
house. Literally round the back.
Bear in mind how big London is it's.
The thing of all the way Rd. yousee?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am.
That's how I got in that hotel. I, I had a word.
I got him in, but no, he's literally, he was literally
behind my it was meant to stay in the hotel behind my house.
Were you with? Yeah, we'll be Mrs. and Fionn.
Yeah. Wozniak.
(37:02):
Matt. Matt, you tell that story.
What happened? Well.
I know Jake's sorry. I won't.
I won't stop. I won't.
I won't silence you. Or sincere.
Which story? Jacob's a master criminal.
What I did to the Barber shop. It's all the vessels.
So basically, I, I, I, yeah, I don't give a fuck.
(37:23):
I, I, I live on this. Sorry, Jake.
Well, he doesn't care because hecan't get arrested now, but no
one's fucking getting arrested. He he, he gets so upset.
Basically my mate who I do screen right with, he works,
he's got a good job. So he's always worried I'm going
to say something that's going toget him sacked or fucking
whatever. But I don't care.
So I live on this road and you know, as you're saying earlier,
(37:47):
I've got, as I'm getting older, I'm getting a few more of these
kind of like your dad opinions. Do you know what I mean?
And one of them is, I have noticed there are a lot of
hairdressers and it's, I know this is like a right wing thing
and I don't care, but there's a lot of dodgy hairdressers
popping up near me. And it's like, I don't care, but
it's fucking mad, right? So then there's one near me
(38:08):
called Sinner. So a Syrian geezer who runs it,
it's been there for like years and years and years and right
next door to it, and this is like this is fucking you
shouldn't do this. Right next door to it opened
another barbershop like they they fucking that's wrong.
It's like a comedy club opening up next door here.
It's crazy. You shouldn't do that.
So this other barbershop opens and I didn't like that what
(38:33):
they'd done. They, they, it's obviously not
official, but they called themselves the Peaky Blinder
Barbers, right? Sounds like a fucking prophetic
man. Sounds like a rap.
It's all honestly. Honestly, all the guys were like
dressed like that, like flat peaks and fucking braces.
Also this isn't like, this isn'tlike a common garden.
It's like a shit bit of London, do you know what I mean?
(38:53):
It's like, it's like outskirts shit, isn't it?
It's like to be doing that therelooks fucking mental.
And so they're all dressed like that and they've got all these
guns in the window, like like fucking like old sort of like
pistol, you know, obviously toys, whatever, but it's a bit
like in an area that's got a lotof youth violence.
And so it's a bit fucking grim. Weird.
It's it's so, so I was like, I was like just getting in my head
(39:15):
about it. So I walk up and down when I go
to the football and I, you know,I often drink when I'm walking
up and down that road. So I was like, I was walking up
and down. I was getting angry and angry in
my head about it. I was like fucking Peaky blinded
barbers. We're fucking turning up Sinner.
He's been here for years. How dare you fucking take his
turf. Do you know what I mean?
And I started like, like sort ofbecause this has happened, my so
my gym is like a few doors down from this Sinner Barber.
(39:36):
I kept like winking at him and like like thumbs up and it.
And I've never spoke to him in my life.
But in my head I was like, I'm fucking showing some support for
this guy. And he the first few times he'd
be like, alright, mate, and thenand then start going now it's
that guy again. And then we're fully like pals
now, like I've never spoke to him, but like we're fully like,
if I see I'll fucking bang on the thing.
Alright, mate, you know what I mean.
And then and then just because Iwanted to show him support and I
(39:58):
told my Mrs. with this, she was like, you have to tell him
that's why you're doing this. Otherwise, he thinks you're like
a WAVY Dave. You know, you get those guys
that just waiting for cards. She was like, that's what this
guy's going to think you are anyway.
So I was like, I was, I was, I was only sitting outside and I
was getting more and more fuckedoff about the Peaky Blinder
barbers. So I mainly did this because I
(40:19):
was with my mate and I was trying to wind him up.
But I phoned up the Peaky Blinder barbers.
I was like, I need to speak to the manager.
And they put me into, into this manager and he's like Italian.
And I was like, I work for the, the, the most stupid bit about
this. I've got the channel wrong.
I was like, I work for Sky Atlantic.
It was on BBC. I was like, I work for Sky
(40:41):
Atlantic. You're trading under a
copyrighted name. We're going to be there in three
weeks with lawyers. We want to see all your
paperwork. If you want to avoid this, you
can e-mail me now at jacob@skyatlantic.com.
Blah, blah. And he was like, and, and the
geezer straight away was like onto me.
He was like, fuck you. You're, you're friends with
fucking Sinner. I don't fucking listen to you,
man. Oh my God.
And I was and I was like, I was like, fuck, like you, I'm going
(41:04):
to keep phoning. So I kept phoning.
I got my mate to come on. I was like, hello, I also work
for like we work in a big fucking play at that, pretending
to be in an office and we're like, we're going to be there in
3. And it first, first thing that
happened is it changed names. It was like they got it wrong.
Sopranos. They changed it to like Shelby's
(41:25):
and sons. Do you know, because it's Tommy
Shelby. So I was like, no, I'm not
accepting that. I was like, no, no, no, no.
So I kept phoning. I was like, no, no, listen,
Shelby is still. That's all.
That's Skyland. 6. Kept phoning up and it did I
mean, yeah, as I say, as you say, my mate who I did a podcast
with, he gets really nervous about this because it is a crime
(41:46):
to impersonate a lawyer. So, so I am obviously joking
about all of this, but they theydid close down eventually they
declare and now the Sinner guy fucking I, I told that story on
our podcast. He follows me on Instagram and
the the Syrian geezer messaged me after we put that up and he
was like, yes, my brother, I love this podcast.
I was. Like, yeah, I'm so.
(42:06):
Gonna but I I do, I do. I do see myself now on my little
shit hole Rd. that I live on. I see myself as like.
Such a coward, vagilant in it. Don't go in.
Don't go in and say anything. But I see myself as like the
(42:30):
kind of protector of the area now.
And now I do, I do keep an eye on what's going on.
There's, there's loads of stuff I do like I, I fucking there was
some fly tipping recently. There's there's been some fly
(42:50):
tipping. Oh God, are we going to call
but. But I was kind of up for it
because they were flight. I mean, well, the other one, the
other one that happened was so we, we, there's like an arts
university, London School of Artis they got like campus around
the corner and you get these fucking art students and they're
just like they, they do, you know what I mean?
(43:12):
They're mad. They're they're like 18.
They've got like fucking, they've got purple hair.
Do you need to open that bottle a bit?
That looks so fucking bad. That that looks so bad.
I can't believe just done that in front of a guest.
I've just gone open this as if he's got a Yeah, he's just
(43:33):
opened it on a bucket and pouredit while stayed there.
We're going to be telling peopleabout that.
Jamie Hutchinson changed. He doesn't even ask.
He just shakes the bottom of people.
I can't believe you just did that.
You normally make me do it, so it's.
Just God in front of a justice warrior.
Yeah, that's fucking fucking no,that's right mate.
(43:58):
Thank you. So.
I don't know why. I don't know.
I think it was just habit because because I had the bottle
in me, I don't. Do that shake over me like my
own I was. Trying to do so, I didn't
interrupt. That's that's why you Chuck the
fucking bottle. It's.
One step away from. That's how you know me.
Those when we were talking before about how I got the job,
(44:19):
that's how I got the job. Him fucking.
I'm just not. So bad that.
Back and call. Right.
So. Oh.
Yeah, well, there was a fire tipping, which I'm, I'm
actually, I changed my mind about because I realised who it
was. And his dad, his mum's died, so
I think he's allowed to have a little.
They weren't tipping there, was it?
Can't park there mate. The pinky miners I mean.
(44:43):
I ordered Shelby and something. Leave your mum by the bin.
Yeah, that's got to be in a bag,mate.
Come on, it's got to be in a bag.
There's fucking dogs coming up and down from.
Sky Atlantic, you need to put your corpse in a bag.
No, but what what the problem we've got is these fucking art
(45:03):
students and they they look theylike, I think, I think like 10
years ago, if I'd have looked atthem, I might have understood
what they were doing cloves wise.
I've got no idea anymore. I don't know what they're
fucking dressed as, but they, they, I was walking home.
I mean, it was like end of last summer.
It was like freshers week kind of time.
It's like September, isn't it? You always notice in September,
(45:23):
don't you? There's loads of like younger
people in pubs and stuff like because it's all fucking
freshers. So I was walking home and it's
busy. Everyone's trying to get home
from work and whatever. And there's this fucking two
people and I, I'm not saying it's like a weird way, but I
can't tell if they're men or women or anything.
Just pink, long pink hair, loadsof piercings, I don't care, but
whatever, right. And they just, they've got a
(45:44):
tripod camera set up like that fucking one of them's filming
and the other one's just fuckingscreaming, just screaming and
shouting about fucking everything.
Fucking Trump every like, do youknow what I mean?
The The Fool Tories. Tories have been out for four
months. At this point it's just
shouting. About Mum.
(46:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking this is George Bush.
Fuck you. Fucking Iraq.
They're kind of. It's all 2004 stuff.
It's really weird. It's like an Eminem album, but.
But it's stuff. And everyone's like, what the
fuck is this? And then, and this is outside of
the the shop on the corner of mystreet.
(46:25):
I go to quite a lot and this this person, they're screaming
and shouting about all this political stuff.
And then they pick up a pot of paint and just pour it over
their own heads and on this is, this is like 15 yards from my
house. So I just went and stood and
just stood by the camera and just watched.
And they said they poured the pint of it and they keep
shouting and fucking Trump this and fucking blah, blah, blah,
(46:46):
blah, blah. And they're sort of getting
slower and slower. And then they sort of as if, as
if I'm ruining it. They're sort of looking at me
like, and then, and then the person to be on the camera is
like, can I help you? And I was like, can you help me?
I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
I was like, what are you fuckingdoing?
And and they, they were like, oh, it's for a project.
I was like, I don't care. Like I fucking live there.
I was like, I'm going to have towalk my kids to school through,
(47:08):
through paint. I like, like people walk their
dogs through fucking paint. It's going to look like you're
going to be able to track peoplewhere they go.
And I was like, you're going to be able to see where I've been
tonight. And they, I remember they said
to me they were like, well, it'sjust the street, isn't it?
And and that for me that is like, that is, and this is like
(47:28):
my most like your dad fucking this is like I I was like
properly, I was like, God, fucking kids have got no
respect. Do you know what I mean?
No, just the fucking street. I was like, I pay for this
street, you cunt. I was like, I fucking pay
counter tax for this fucking St.And so I said, I, I basically, I
(47:49):
made them clean it up. I said I was like, I was, I was
like, I fucking did. I was like, I was like fucking,
I was like, you can't just leavethat.
And they were like, well, we don't know how to clean it.
I was like, we shouldn't have fucking put it on the floor
then, should ya? I was like, I was like, how'd
you work out how to use the camera?
And they were like, what do you mean?
I was like, how'd you know how to use the camera?
They were like, we googled it. I was like, so Google that I
fucking clean the paint up. So they googled it and they were
like white spirit. I was like fucking hardware shop
(48:10):
there and, and I went in my house and this is I was fucking
ashamed of myself for this. I went in my house and I was
like husted by the window, just peering through the curtains.
It makes and they, they went to walk off and I went, I was like
that way, that way, hardware shop that way.
And I fucking, I went and stood,stood in front and I just
watched them and I made them do it because fuck that.
You shouldn't be able to just fucking throw paint on the
(48:30):
floor. I mean, it's fuck, it's fuck,
it's fuck and it's, and it's also right, posh little fucking
art students. They will get away with that.
If that's 2 little shits in hoodies, someone's phoning
police, aren't they? If that's 2 little shits in
hoodies, you find the police, people find the police straight
away. Like 2 little shits in hoodies
wouldn't even be able to smoke on the corner of the street.
Someone will find the police fucking.
(48:51):
These are students with a stupidhair shouting about George Bush.
I I live in a new build estate. This is funny.
I can imagine you're doing this.This is great.
This I know the proper like antifun.
Do you know? What I mean?
Kids fighting balls. Are you in the WhatsApp group?
I'm not in the WhatsApp group orFacebook group though.
And they're like, you know, don't there's this communal
(49:13):
hedge that is seen as like this fucking sentient being that
young. We cannot have a Don't let
someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Believe these two kids play footon like the little patch of
grass. There's cones out.
Nothing just like little dribbling skills and passing to
each other. Not, you know, a full on brawl.
(49:37):
Yeah, yeah, literally just real gentle kids, like 8-7 or eight.
The kids went in for a drink andthis guy went out, clicked all
the cones and nicked the ball. Oh my God.
You nicked the kids cones so fucking.
Sad by order of Sky Atlantic. You know it's hard though.
(50:02):
It's hard. You get hold of and I I think
this is. You look scared of kids.
Yeah, fucking terrified. I'm fucking terrified.
Of them. I'm so scared of kids, right?
We, we, we because we announced like a tour for the podcast the
other day. We filmed this thing in
Leicester Square. That's really goodbye.
Well. Done.
Thank you, mate. And we, we, we, we filmed this
(50:23):
thing in Leicester Square of like pretending to do that thing
of do you have a dream? And then I said, that's Jake.
And he was like, oh, I want to go on a tour and we made this
sort of spoof video. But we're basically, I'd never
done anything well filmed in public before.
And there was these fucking, it's Leicester Square as well.
So there was these like 10, I think they were like Portuguese,
like Spanish, like like exchangestudents.
But you could see they were likelittle shits and they're
watching us. And I had to genuinely say to
(50:45):
the guy holding the camera, I was like, just keep an eye on
those kids and if they come close to me, tell me because I
thought they were just going to fucking scag me.
I thought they were just going to, I thought to be there.
I was like, that'd be fucking funny.
Some cunt there with a fucking lapel mic going excuse me.
And they're just fucking scare me straight away.
I had to do it. I had to do it in the street.
(51:06):
You're still Ryan just like, Oh yeah, positive sort of thing.
I was doing some stuff with him.Some positive stuff.
Yeah, I was like the, the juxtaposition of me on it, you
know, you know, just want to go round, ask people like for
advice, like advice on being positive and stuff in the
street. I couldn't do it.
I was absolutely anxiety going through what did you have to do
(51:28):
going people in the city centre saying like, you know, oh,
what's have you got any advice to the next generation?
That's the pussy like. Fucking leaving home like that
man. It it makes you realise that
it's easy to look down on that, but it's fucking hard to do.
Oh, it's, you know what I mean. Or still Ryan or whoever.
People that do stuff like that, it's easy to take the piss out
(51:48):
of them. Tick tockers and that it's
fucking hard. I've worked, I've worked in call
centres all like pretty much allmy life.
I'm I'm very used to being called cunt and.
You know. Fuck off annoying me and stuff,
that's fine. Yeah, on the Because it's just
the next phone call. Yeah, face to face.
It's brutal, man. What sort?
What sort of stuff did you have to do?
Coursework. Oh, everything.
Assault funerals. Yeah, assault funeral plans.
(52:11):
That was grim. Oh no cold calling.
So are you cold calling widows? Have you got a list of oh
fucking? You're sending bitches.
Going through that bit of paper that is fucking.
I had a guy to guy at the Margo.I had a little fucking link now
(52:34):
it was Co-op funeral so they'd already passed away.
In the phone was like just saw like the abdomen side.
Effects. Oh, so you're not calling them?
Not work on them for that. I wouldn't call them for that
line no, but could be a bit risky with, you know, humour and
stuff. But I've done, I've done like
PPI debt management, like real grim stuff, like literally call,
(52:57):
call it out of a phone book and saying like if you had a loan in
the last five years, we could try and claim it back.
Is it a scam? Well, a scam now, but it was,
well, it was, I work for this company, a state management
company. So what they do, they pay like
(53:17):
so they can afford, they say they owe 10 grand of debt to
five creditors. Yeah, they'll, they'll afford
£100 a month and we'll split that £100 a month in a
percentage wise of what they oweto each company.
Say they owe Lloyds 33% of the day, they'll get £33 so on and
so on. So they'll, they'll pay whatever
(53:38):
day they get paid on. So we get money all throughout
the month and then the 5th of the month is our payment run.
It's all the money that we have.We sent to every credit for
every customer that we have. There are thousands of customers
and what they used to do every year.
This is salt, but I found this out.
I I couldn't believe we were on Watchdog.
(53:58):
The guy who owned it was my uncle and he's been on Watchdog.
His company's been on Watchdog before.
You're always like, are you partying as well, Peter?
All this stuff back. They cut all the money, the
November payments to pay them out in December.
They used all that money for a lavish works to a Golf Club and
(54:20):
then when it got back to January, they just emailed every
creditor and just said, oh, Mrs.Smith can't pay this month
because of Christmas, blah, blah, blah.
And because it's only 8 lbs, youknow, because it's only 8 lbs
that credit, they're like, yeah,whatever.
And they'll never know because the customer signs an agreement
that the only the company will never speak to them both the
(54:45):
only speak to us. They like their buffer.
So yeah, we'll just rub it. That's the thing with all these
calls, it's. So illegal.
But it's those people that you're and you're not really
fucking anyone there. As you say, it's £8 or whatever.
Yeah, it's £8 is. But all the people you talk to
(55:06):
when you do a call centre job isbecause I I did a charity one.
I've done. Them and it's like it's people
who've already given a bit for charity, but you're phoning up
trying to get a bit more do you know what I mean?
You're, you're oh, Miss Mr. Smith, I know you gave 5 lbs to,
to, you know, this last year, but you know, fucking UNICEF, we
really need it. Do you know what I mean?
Everything that's going on And so, but what you quickly realize
(55:27):
is the the main people that giveto charity, This is mental.
It is pensioners, students and unemployed people in it.
It is, it is, I don't know. It's because they've got time on
their hands. It's because they've got time on
their hands to do it. So the amount of times I'd
fucking phone, you know, oh, hello, is this, is this Mrs. is
this Mrs. Brown? Yeah, this is fucking 80 year
(55:50):
old woman. And you're like, oh, look, we're
very grateful for what you gave.And I don't know if you had this
where you have to get, they haveto say no three times.
Oh yeah, yeah, object objection handling.
Yeah, they have to say no three times.
And I remember the what the lastone I did before and I did the
same as you. I just walked out and then come
back is I was, I was doing it for the Tigers World Wildlife
Fund. I was for the tigers.
I was like, hello, is that Mrs. Brown?
(56:10):
Yeah, I was like, you know, you just read the script, you go, we
hope, we hope you've had a great2020.
Well, I mean, what fucking 2012,whatever it'll be at the time.
And she goes, my husband died last week.
But because I've been so shit, Ihad this like coach guy.
There was like this sales coach guy.
Did you ever get them these guyswho were like coaching all the
teams to get you better at fucking doing the calls?
And this guy was literally sat next to me and and she went,
(56:32):
yeah, my husband died last week.I looked at the guy and he was
like, so I was like, well, here at the Wildlife Fund, we've got
a really important message aboutSiberian tigers.
She's like, she's like. OK.
And I'm like, yeah, it's been a real cold winter in Siberia this
year. And the tigers, the tigers need,
the tigers need extra insulation.
(56:54):
And she's going OK, It's just the funeral was really.
And he was like, and he was like, that's only the second
night. That's only the second night.
Fucking go to just keep talking about fucking tigers you've got.
Fuckers, you'll be the person todo that.
Haven't you the ruthless? One scene.
But is it That's what they, theyget these coaches and they're
like fucking Stephen Bartlett style, fucking come on, man, we
(57:16):
can do it. And they got fucking pictures of
flowers on whiteboards and every, every sale that you make,
you get another petal on your flower.
And if you get a full petal, youget a box of beer at the end of
the week. Do you know what I mean?
It's literally selling, selling Tiger insurance to widows,
selling, selling fucking box of cars, man.
Can I, can we, can we buy a snake a new heart with the money
(57:38):
that you've inherited from your dead house?
Oh yeah, I work. I work start line like car
insurance. It's not as grim, but you've got
every call is an opportunity to sell.
And you know how annoying it is?Like people have called up just
to change The Reg or whatever orcheck and and the upselling and
(58:00):
upselling. You can see him getting annoyed.
I mean, not everything has to bea sale.
Why does it have to be this fucking world you're coming into
like motivational quotes and stuff on the Oh my God, it's
just relentless. It's awful.
It's imagine living like that, like it's one thing someone else
saying all that stuff to you, but imagine just thinking it
without someone. Do you know what I mean?
(58:21):
Imagine thinking that stuff without someone telling you to
you man, if you get all so much people on Instagram now, these
people would like, do you want to make yourself more
productive? Do you want to work harder or
every time? I fucking know.
No what? Leslie.
So can I ask a question over in call centres because you have
both worked on them? Is it true?
(58:41):
Mind you it's more if it's cold call and if you're nice of the
if you tell a person to fuck off.
So say you call me cold call andI go fuck off mate, put the
phone down. If I'm not like that and I'm
nice, do you then take me off the list to cold call?
I do well, it's what I used to do genuinely, but I used to cold
(59:02):
call for like PPI, Understand it's frustrating.
Some people go well, I know you're undoing a job, that's
fine. That's all they need that
acknowledgement. I'm only doing a job, but some
nasty people, What I used to do,because I have their name,
number and often address, e-mailaddress, I'd sign them up to
junk mail websites. And I had a real homophobic guy
(59:23):
and I just subscribed into everygay bar in Canal Street, just
got because I had his e-mail. So he was just getting, he was
getting office for heaven and stuff.
Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.
That's. Probably like closeted.
Because they're never going to find out who.
It's probably like closeted guy who's got like deep sea in
insecurities. He's probably ended up bumming
(59:43):
someone for the first time. You're just.
Giving me a lot of homophobic slurs on the phone because I
rang him to ask if you need, if you wanted some because I'd like
probably had a bit of a camp camp of foul voice to try and
you know, get sales. That's what coached into you
like. Come on John God, how about your
(01:00:09):
PPI? It's just someone told me that's
how I've always been dead. Nicer cold cold.
Yeah, because it's they're depressed.
Yeah, they don't want to. They're in the middle of like a
soulless 10 hour shift where every minute of the day is
tracked. You know where you've got like
log your phone if you go for a piss and if you're 2 minutes
(01:00:32):
over then. Oh, mate.
And it and it does. Just like as soon as someone
hangs up, hangs up, it just rings straight away.
It just rings straight. It's there's like a beat and it
just fucking rings straight away.
Just walk in. Yeah, a Direct Line.
And they had like screens of howmany people are in the queue.
So you come in and you, you just, you're like closing your
(01:00:54):
eyes and looking up. Like please be a low number
because it's a high number. I'm not getting a break in
between cars because sometimes if it's quiet, usually quiet
around December car insurance places and if it's quiet and you
come in and it's got zero in thequeue, you're like, I'm going to
have a little, I'm going to havea little break and don't have to
record a break. It's like cheating time.
(01:01:17):
Yeah, you get paid to sit. Oh my God, with us.
We're going to have to wrap up because it's quarter past.
So you're. Looking at killing our fun man.
I mean, it's Jake. Getting me to get well, it's me,
I've gotta go to do a gig. Well, thank you very much for
coming down mate. Where can people find you?
And Screen Rock podcasts. Go watch it.
(01:01:39):
Very, very funny. YouTube and and Spotify and
Apple and everything like that. And then I'm at Jacob Hawley on
Instagram. Very fine stand up.
Go and watch him do stand up comedy.
First show I watched Edinburgh Fringe ever.
And he's never been back. There's a wrinkle endorsement.
Very good stand up, a very funnypodcast.
Go and check him out on Instagram and on socials.
(01:02:01):
And so I Patreon, I write it 3 LB of both 2 bonus episodes a
week, including one in front of a live audience.
Live audience. We have a weekly live show, 10
LB ticket, common watchers, pod,raw podding, no plans, no
quality. So it's fun come down and check
(01:02:22):
that out. And I think that's all I need to
plug this week. Do you want to say why Tony?
Isn't he that quick? Tony's not here because Trent's
leaving a new SAT. He he said like I can't with all
this going on with Trent and stuff because he knows the
family that and he's he's torn between what it's called him a
rat for it to play for Real Madrid is is caught in between
(01:02:50):
22 paths of loyalty. So his head's not in the game
because Trent's leaving and he's33 and that's pathetic.
But he'll be back next week, I'msure, unless Van Dyke announces
he's going more next week. Love you lots.
Bye, bye, bye.
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