April 28, 2025 • 62 mins
Danny's an old friend of the lads who's been away from stand up for a bit. The lads wanted a proper catch up with him to see what he's been up to… and he's been busy! Enjoy!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
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(01:30):
It's classmates little by a minute.
I like that one with the becauseit's similar to like me and my
missus now because she works like NHS and that right, like
research and stuff. So you know the sketch where one
(01:53):
works at the ice cream factory and wants a brain surgeon and he
comes home from work. I had a really tough day today.
Oh, what happened? You went No, what a bird in you.
I mean, you're a brain surgeon saving kids lives.
I mean, what's a bad day for me compared to?
He was like, no, come on. Listen, we've both got important
jobs. Well, I'm testing the new
(02:14):
Raspberry ripple and it's just not Raspberry enough in there.
And it's really came me down. They didn't really laugh at me
in Coventry. Yeah, I just found out the
fucking mental There's a mental health crisis and there's no
money. For it, yes.
Well, welcome to the podcast HotWater Screen with podcast with
(02:35):
me, Tony Cull. Oh yeah, me.
Jamie Hutchinson. I just wanted to see if you're
still. Fucking oh Nah bring.
That there we have a very special guest, my first ginger
monk friend ever. So would say only.
(02:56):
Oh. Right.
I thought he was going to see someone else.
Are we ginger? I never.
I always thought we were like strawberry.
But. I got told, you know, I got told
that as a kid. Yeah, I just told we wanted the
first a year 7. My mum, my mum went.
Look, I know we've said it, but you are ginger.
You're going to get some shit it.
(03:21):
Gets on the bus. The world changes in a day.
Fuck. Yeah, because I was just sold on
it. Sure, I thought, as an actual
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's take me when I used to get in.
You're not fat, you've got big bones.
(03:43):
No thyroid bones there, mate. Coming in fat, Puppy fat, Yeah.
It's just a bit of puppy fat thyroid.
I mean, that still goes. It's.
Just a bit of puppy fat get off.When will dogs stop chasing me?
Oh God. It's been a while, Dad.
(04:05):
It's been a while, hasn't it? Really has made.
How long have you seen each other?
Since not. How about now?
Because obviously you're not. Probably you're not living.
In Manchester anymore, are you? No.
It's one of those though we had like a load of run of a lot seen
each other a long. Time, yeah, and then just a
massive happens in comedy, though, yeah.
So it's lovely to see. That breaks though is a big
break isn't it? So must be about 14 years or
something is it? Fucking up we were this is envy
(04:26):
days and yeah of hot water. Yeah, yeah.
Go right back. In the hot water first started.
It was just been a 15th birthday, yeah, so it must be
thirteen years or so because I don't know a few gigs with you
in Manchester. Remember that you and stuff
didn't stuff like that. They were like the year above us
at school. Milo Mas, Tom Lawrenson, Hannah
Platt are all coming up and all them year elevens.
(04:48):
They're like, give me USM 58. You're also so simple, Vin,
SATA, yeah. Moral and.
Yeah, Stan. Yeah, a couple of the gang.
Yeah, Lane, actually, who, who, who?
Her brother did did the film as well.
Yeah, that's how I got in with the gang.
Oh, I always loved coming to Envy because you had a fucking
crew. Yeah, you had like Adam, like
Lewis, Calvin, Andrew Kearney. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(05:10):
I've just got advice. It's Kearney's wedding.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, that's the other
day. I haven't seen him for fucking.
He's like your best amazing comedy then went vanished for 10
years. I went like fatty like.
What? What so?
Where have you been? He went busy, lad.
You want to come to the. Web in 10 years.
Well, that's messages. See FIFA this gig mate 20th 2014
by the. Way.
He was just off around the number so I was like who the
(05:32):
fuck's this? And then I seen his profile
picture so where the fuck have you been?
Said busy lad. He said what?
10 years, he said. You want to be wedding or not?
Yeah. Yeah, he's great.
Yeah. So he has me, Adam, Andrew, Paul
Smith, obviously Calvert and then you and then you had a
usually group thing. Yeah, we were just.
(05:52):
It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't though.
Beefing off. But we never used to really
mingle, did we? And then obviously then you just
come over then and then it. Was always amicable, that's what
I was about. It was always lovely.
There's no, I think, is it a football thing, The Manchester?
Yeah. And it's not playful though in
it I think. Absolutely.
Yeah, but when I when I was younger though, like you say, if
I went to Wales or something like a mutual ground, you know
what I mean? Like if he was manks there in
(06:14):
the scouses, he was just that tension or that, that thing, you
know what I mean? But it has always come from
football because the city's a proper very similar, especially
the the, the, the like the council house estates and stuff
like that. Yeah, true that, that kind of
background that's very similar to Liverpool, you know what I
mean? So I think it's just a football
rivalry because because I, I think Manchester well.
(06:35):
Like second cousins that might kiss at a wedding.
We fight, then we fuck, then we fight, then we fuck, but I
brought I don't you'll you'll really like this because you're
from Cotton Ridge. You'll like this.
One of my first memories for youis I came down to Liverpool to
do a gig and it had been cancelled and I am brand new
like for a piss and vinegar, butfrom Drawlsdon.
(06:57):
So and I remember talking to youanother show.
It might have been an M there and whoever had organized this
gig had just pulled it and not told anyone any of the man
caught anyway. And then I think we had a
mutual, we knew who it was and Iwas like, I'm going to swat him
and you're like, why are you going to twat him?
And I and this, I've been going 5 minutes and you're like, what
the fuck are you on about? I'm like, yeah, he put on a gig
and then didn't tell us it was going on.
And you're like, well, why are you going to twat him?
(07:18):
And I was like, I don't know is.That what?
I'm saying, but yeah, you were sort of laughing about it.
You're like, why? Like it just got cancelled.
And I'm like, because I'm from Drawlsdon and I think this is
what I'm supposed to do now. We need to.
Fight, you know, I was like that, Yeah.
I was like fuck, fuck, that's being cancelled.
I fucking hate. But I had no idea and then I was
(07:41):
like, it made me actually think,Oh no, this is a different game,
I don't need to. And I've never had a fight in my
fucking life as. Well, one conversation with me,
I changed his life. He did he.
Turned it round, Tony. Carol Robbins here I.
Was talking just before off camera where Danny was there for
my worst ever echo, although I cut the deepest anyway.
(08:01):
Did a gig in the Greek restaurant, didn't I?
You know this lad was on your Lucas Kirk, don't you?
It's like that jolly and really friendly sort of stuff.
Johnny Guy? No, no, he's, he's Welsh.
Nobody's not. Paying the picture for you.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's all like panto.
(08:23):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he came on.
He's dying on his ass on this guy just walks off like what's
this shit? He walks out.
So he carries on doing something, going a bit red in
the face. The guy comes back because he's
left his pine and he goes, goes looks at him again.
Died twice in the same fucking 5minutes.
(08:45):
But I went on just just stomp the calf out me 20 minutes of
silence one and he just went. Someone just went at the end.
Nice speech. And then me and them just went
out, got twatted over Jack Queen.
We did, did you? We did.
It was it was the weirdest fucking night.
It was the middle of summer, won't it?
It was the first night of this new gig in the middle of the gay
village downstairs in the Greek bar.
(09:07):
No one knew what was going on and there was no organization
was there. I think I was MC ING and I was
so, so new to MC ING as well. And I was falling out of love
with everything. And it was pretty clear cook,
that the gig weren't going to work.
I couldn't be arsed. And then the minute someone got
a laugh I was like, oh fucking hell, we might all show it.
And then it just sank again. I was like, oh you fucking knob
heads. Are you?
(09:30):
Somebody said the well on. It really did.
I mean, this stunning drag queenjust made a beeline for us and
was like trying to get people in.
Yeah. Then we just fucking got.
On Oh, is that what do? You remember.
Is that why she did it? I think like just they were,
they were getting people. There.
Yeah. Oh, was she just a PR?
Yeah. Given for men, would you walk
off? Shit, why did you think it was
your mate? Is she Vegas?
(09:50):
Yeah, he just approached the only man at the bar like we had
a connection. Now it.
Was just. It was.
Just to get you into GAY after 11.
I was not really having a laugh in the Greek restaurant.
Look how close to this and. I thought, oh, let's carry on,
let's go gay village and that I'm like, fuck off, Danny, go
(10:12):
on. You've got words for, aren't
you, Dad? Yeah.
Me and me misses watched an episode of Drag Race because
Alison was like, you need to watch this.
It's really, they're funny because a lot of them are comics
as well. And we sat there and we're now
we're in and I'm like, right. And it was really funny, really
entertaining. And we finished the first show
and we started the second one. I just turned from like, when do
(10:34):
they race? Because she's not getting fired
in their heels. They're sick.
He actually raced. I actually thought he was like
a, you know, like some kind of elements and then I'm like so
I'm a builder from Drawlsdon originally, you know what I
mean? And then after like 3 episodes
I'm like, she's just not broughtin this week.
(10:55):
She just needs to step her pussyup if she wants to win.
This is Drag Race. I mean, something like that.
If if Lauren watches like, you know, some like date and show us
something. I just go absolute Josh, you're
watching. Well that's toxic.
He shouldn't be doing that. He knows she's insecure about
her legs. He shouldn't be doing that.
(11:17):
Drags you in, didn't it? You know what, I used to come
home from work when I worked in a call centre and while I was
getting changed I'd put, I thinkit was like Channel 5 on because
I couldn't stand whatever was onChannel 4 and then 6:00 The
Simpsons. So I'd watch shows, just have
stuff on in the background whileI'm waiting for The Simpsons.
Anyway, it landed on Channel 5. I know.
Waiting for a second that was your in your late 20.
(11:42):
What a lads. Who are you for The Simpsons?
Is that drag queen sex now? I kiss the fucking wires.
And then all of a sudden the Gilmore Girls I catch like the
last 20 minutes of the Gilmore Girls.
And then after after about a month of doing it, I'm like, she
just wants us to find load. I'd be putting getting home
(12:03):
early for it. Put The Simpsons, get the
Gillies, I'll get the clothes. On you've recently swapped stand
up for acting. I have me.
I'd fall into that I. Literally did fall into it.
I got very lucky. So our mutual friend Laney
Johnson, who's a stand up on theManchester circuit, her brother
Leif is a writer, a producer anddirector who's done a lot of
(12:25):
music videos and a couple of adverts and stuff like that
based in London. But he's from Hyde originally.
And we, he, he came down and hada like a weekend in Manchester
and we just, we fell in love a little bit.
You know when you get a proper bromance.
Going I love falling in love with.
You man did a couple of edibles like we had.
We had a fucking brilliant week.You missed that feeling.
(12:46):
I love it, man. You know, you just like, say
when someone comes into the group and you're like, oh, I
don't know if they're going to hit them.
And then they are the fucking. They are the vibe.
Yeah, you get, you had that moment together one night where
you're like this is going to be.Fucking so rare when it happens,
it's just fucking this is where were you, man?
Yeah, yeah. Where were you and The Simpsons,
I mean. You have that to me.
(13:08):
Yeah, I. Still love that and I need to.
Could you put your mic a bit closer, please?
Sorry, my friend. Yeah.
Is that OK, pal? Thank you, mate.
And then lockdown happened. I'd sort of quit stand up
comedy. I was burnt out.
I think I did a weekend in like Brighton and then the next
weekend was Glasgow. I was driving both and I'd had
(13:28):
enough. I was just done.
And then I quit and then a week later lockdown it and everyone
else fucking quit. So I'm like, well, fuck you.
And then Leif rang me after about a month of lockdown and
he's like, listen, I've started writing this script.
I want to make a film and, and it's about like just lads
playing snooker or pool and justgetting on it.
And it's this sort of sort of a gangster element to it.
(13:48):
But this character, I had your voice in my head every time I
was writing him and I'm just picturing you as him.
So do you want to try and make atrailer for it?
And you're like, Nah, you know, right, Of course.
Yeah. I'm so fucking lutely written
this for me. So yeah, so we got cast.
It's. Cool, aren't?
It it was. I was made-up.
You're not. Going to auditions and all that,
just. Like this is written for you.
(14:09):
Really. For you?
Yeah. That happened to Stacey Slater
in EastEnders. Really got Stacey Slater written
for her. That's fucking brilliant.
After audition. No, no.
And the same thing happened to Joe Absalom, who played Matthew
Rose in 98. I think Stacey got a raw deal
though didn't she? Because she's like, your first
fuck around is going to be Max with the Mr. Burns haircut.
(14:30):
Bradley Max, as you've been through a while, mate, go.
On Yeah. And then we got together.
We spent a weekend in Oxford andshot the trailer, and then
exactly a year to the day that Ithink we shot it, we got the
grant money for it. And we had two weeks in Oxford
booked off. Old crew was there and he
managed to cast. He got a load of comics in, like
(14:52):
Shay Burnley's in it. Ruth Coburn.
Oh, yeah. Smug Roberts, who plays, they
all play blinders, but Smug's got this really good scene with
us together. And Clint Boone from the
Inspiral carpet. He's one of the band.
Yeah. And he just got this brilliant
gang together that my Co sort ofactor and it Danny Parsons, I
think he's the only Southerner in it actually.
(15:13):
Everyone else is from the Northwest to Summit.
And yeah, we, we shot it, we gotit down and then it was in post
production. It's called Mr. Doom by the way,
behind the 8 ball. It's about Jack and Charlie.
I'm Jack. And it's 2 lads who sort of meet
in a pool hall. Jack gets sort of ripped off by
Charlie and Charlie owes a load of money and he has to sort of
go on the road drinking and sortof scrapping and just sort of
(15:35):
have it playing pool. Basically, they're trying to get
this money back and it's it's all right.
It's funny. You know what?
I. Mean is it playing pool?
I try to hustle people as well. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, exactly. Oh.
Mate, you're gonna love it the minute you see these shots.
So you're gonna be like, no way,Danny.
I'm a big pool fan. I have a pool no.
You're not I've. Had a pool table in me house
(15:55):
flat. Pool.
I'm a pool fan. I sucked them all over Beer
Engine you. Little mother.
Muppet that shit. Pool that have a big pool but.
I'm getting gangster out becauseI mean, on this.
Yeah, on this. When he went.
Oh yeah. Well, Lauren's got these dating
shows on that and I just go, no,you watch the meet.
(16:17):
No, don't do meet. You want to sign up to our
Patreon? You'll see the real Jamie over
on there. Yeah, everyone has like a
starter bag, don't they? I'm a big pool fan.
You're not a big pool fan, lad. I know, you know, just like
Michael Barrymore. What about a lot?
(16:41):
Then put that on your toes. Well, in this pool there's not
as many horrific anal injuries you're.
Trying to get people to watch it.
I'm sorry if that's a spoiler. Yeah, is.
It is it coming out on is it coming out on on a Amazon?
It's on anything except Netflix based and anything except
(17:01):
Netflix. It's on Amazon Prime, I think,
Spotify, Rakatan and stuff like that.
But yeah, have a look out for it.
Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball the. Pounds out now.
It is. It's online now.
Yeah. Oh.
I've got Amazon Prime before. Before all that though I know
it's big like filming that. That's great.
You have to watch the Suck CliffReport on YouTube.
It's one of the best things evermade where it's so fucking fun.
(17:24):
Thank you, pal. Daddy plays a disgrace like,
well, fault is is like deluded former journalists.
I mean, he tries to solve this crime of an illegal dogfighting
happening in his head and someone's left to skip outside,
right. And who's left that here with
Paul? We'll investigate that as well.
(17:45):
Some funny one. The reason that came about, we
were doing a thing called SketchOh, with a couple of Northwest
acts. Phil Ellis was in it as well.
And they wanted like written like performative sketches, but
also video stuff to show. And me and me housemate Dave
Stania just shot this in like a couple of days.
No budget fuck all. And I mean, I won't give it
away, but the ending came about because the skip disappeared.
(18:08):
That ending is amazing. Isn't it but.
Does he got like world of views and stuff?
No, no. Just all me.
Yeah, I watch it like every couple of bums with.
It might be like 10 years old now, but like they.
Yeah, it was one of the first for raising to doing sketches.
And I love make. I found it funny.
(18:29):
But did you ever that was based on a show called The Cook
Report. Did you ever see that guy called
Roger Cook in like the 80s and 90s?
Yeah. Someone like Panorama or Yeah
Dispatches. He was like your first.
Not Jeremy Carr. What's that Matt thingy from?
Oh yeah. Watchdog Yeah.
Where people? Get ripped off and he
investigates it and this you. Didn't because what Tony's been
(18:49):
doing, because I he was going around giving quotes like you'll
get the carpet fitted or he had loads of different businesses.
I'll come around for a quote andhe'd always come round at dinner
time to get a free pasty off andthen Matt would turn off your
head. Are you are you happy with all
these passes, Sony? Hey, where's the carpet?
(19:10):
Sony, where's the carpet? Give us a pass, then I'll tell
you. Well, you can't drop.
Crumbs on someone that's not there, fucko.
So, yeah. So how long so so after the
(19:31):
lockdown and you've done this, this this film, are you planning
on sticking to acting on I'm I'mhoping.
To get a few more rolls. I mean, I had a sausage one on
the way in. Yeah.
Serious. I thought you give.
Up comedy, but I've just. Finished another one.
I got really lucky actually, because we, we, we had a
screening for Mr. Doom and another lad was another producer
(19:52):
works for the similar productioncompany and he was making one
called Nowhere Bridge. That was his first film at the
time. And he watched the Screener, got
in touch with me and went, listen, I think you'd be good
for, for, for this guy in my film.
And at first I was a bit or because it's, it's a very
completely like different from Mr. Doom.
(20:12):
I got so lucky with Mr. Doom that it's that's me in that film
getting pissed and doing bad shots and stuff.
But in this one it's a serious sort of character.
And I nearly turned it down and I was speaking to Leif, the
director of Mr. Doom, and he's like.
Northwest working class actors don't just get a phone call to
be offered another fucking film roll.
So take it even if you, you know, it's, it's going to be
(20:33):
tricky. Just fucking take it.
So it did, we just finished that.
We, we did some green screen down the road.
Actually there's a studio just down the way from here that we
shot a couple of days on and it's that's called Nowhere
Bridge. I'm a Samaritan on the phones.
So I've already got another one in the chamber sort of thing.
So that's coming out. But yeah, I'm up for anything,
man. What about writing?
(20:54):
Oh. That, I mean, that was what I
wanted to do originally. We came, we came up with.
Like a couple of film ideas, OK,because I've been trying, I said
it on the Patreon episode. Yeah, I've been trying to lose a
dream. I've came up with this film idea
just by dreaming, OK, about thisworking class sheepherder and
he, he only has like 1 sheep to herd, but he's fucking shit out
(21:16):
of here. He's like, and now sheep's like
yeah, fuck off. And he goes to a sheepherd in
competition, and it's against all these big farms from Wales
and all that. They're all like looking down
the nose of me. So I'm a street herd.
Do you know what I mean? I haven't got farms to practice
with. I have to practice in me
backyard. But this American scouts me.
(21:37):
This American's like, Oh my God,I love how you hurt that sheep
man. You remind me of a young Jimmy
Johnson. And then Jimmy Johnson turns out
to be my granddad, who's ostracised from the family.
But he's a massive in the sheepherding community in
America. And I come and retrace his
steps. And every time I'm in America is
is the jerks to position here. Every time I'm in England, I
(22:00):
think my granddad's a hero. Yeah, he's hated.
So I'm against the grain, OK. When I'm in.
America, they seem to hear. But I hate him because I knew he
was shagging about on me. Granny, that's your artistic
side. What's the battle?
(22:25):
Yeah, you could be this Americanscout.
Listen kid, you got I'm just seeing how you're looking at
(22:46):
your brown hat. Could you play big Wall?
You know, the big arts like you see like.
Have you got any? Ideas on any films?
Yeah, I mean like there's, there's loads of shit.
(23:06):
I'd I I do sort of rather than lucid, I do daydreaming about
stuff I love, like zombie stuff.Yeah, I do.
I like zombie stuff. I always like.
I mean, an episode of like BlackMirror, have you got, have you,
have you got your own idea for an episode of Black Mirror?
No, no. Mine.
Was I don't fucking steal this big black mirrors.
(23:26):
That's right. I've got the next word after Big
Black Mirror. That's the Patreon.
Yeah, it's a they do in a Did you ever watch Ghost Watch?
Oh, but. No, but no.
What it is Sarah Green and yeah,so ghost watch the the premise
(23:47):
of it is that there's A and Craig Charles as the the the fun
reporter in it as well. So back in the, I think it was
early 90s, there was this show on Halloween on BBC.
It's the most complained about show on the BBC, apparently.
And they've never had it again because they got so many
complaints. And what it was it was done
completely straight, like completely seriously.
(24:07):
Michael Parkinson was back in the studio.
Oh, it were him. It was him off finger off
Fucking what? It was the Parkinson.
I thought it was the crime watchfellow.
What's he called the dad cunt? What?
What was it called Ghost Watch? Ghost Watch.
Oh, I thought he was Parker. Yeah.
Someone like him, but he you know, I can I can see his face.
(24:29):
It might have been Parker. Go on.
So it's it's the most. Haunted house in the UK and
they're on scene investigating it and these two girls and the
mum and they call this ghost pipes because he he rattles the
the pipes all over the house andthey've they've got photos of it
sort of stuff going on and everything and they sort they're
doing it really like ah it CraigCharles is out in the street
(24:50):
talking to the neighbors and everything anyway, as you get
towards the end it they go upstairs and they open one of
the the cupboards and one of thelittle girls is rattling the
pipes and all the cameras are like oh, this is a load of shit
you've you've duped us and all this and they start walking out
and they're like right, that's it that's the show over Sarah
Green's like really sorry this is live TV.
(25:12):
You know how it goes sometimes and then the the screen light
sort of goes fucking weird and then they all start getting like
take like possessed or taken over.
Whoever's the reporter is back in the student it was back in.
Was it Parky? Parky gets possessed.
By the ghost of pipes and startsinterfering with the television
waves and then the screen just fucking goes blank like all
(25:34):
chaos in this house and then it just fucking cuts run credits
and if it was one of them where,because it was like the 90s if
you didn't see it like I went I went to school on the Monday and
I was like, did you watch ghost watch?
I was at my nanas. I was like, did you watch ghost
watch? And everyone, everyone in my
class was like no, and I had to go for like a decade with this
(25:54):
thing in my head. Was it real?
No. Parkinson got possessed at the
end. Everyone's like shut up you
fucking weirdo. Yes, there's no social.
Media back there, that was it, yeah.
And it you can get it on, it's all on YouTube now.
It's well worth a look, right? But it was, it was mental and it
was fucking harrowing. You know we say Sid's.
Parker Afternoon. What happened?
There was nothing. No.
(26:16):
No follow up, like none of the other cast ever spoke about it,
but the BBC were trying to put it under because it got so
complained about. So they were like, right, no
statement, fuck all. So mine is me Black Mirror.
It's a bit shit now, but they'retrying to do like a a fake but
real zombie strike. So what they're doing, all the
(26:37):
the emergency forces in the UK have got select camera crews
with them on Halloween. And we're going round and it's
sort of hints that like, you know, something's happening,
everyone's dressed up and kicking the fuck out of each
other and all this. But then right at the end shit
starts going down and there's actually a zombie apocalypse
happening live. And we're filming it in the UK
(26:58):
and streaming it. So people are getting attacked
and people at home are going like fucking oh, you've got.
A good idea And then at the. End, you know, doing my
o'leary's hosting it and then hegets fucking done over and then
it's just carnage in the streetsand then it's that's Black
Mirror everywhere. That's me.
I like for that I. Like, yeah.
I had one that. I wanted to go Dragonstar, but I
can turn it into Black Mirror episodes where you can program
(27:18):
your dreams. You have like your electrodes on
your head. That's very.
Black man and you type. In a storyline that you can live
to and then people get addicted to it and they don't want to go
to work anymore and they're likenecking sleeping pills and just
typing lots of mad shit on. And they get that depressed, get
that depressed in the real world.
They type, they type, they get so depressed with the the highs
(27:41):
and lows they type in. They want to kill themselves in
the dream and then they wake up and kill themselves.
It's all about live your life, bro.
That's the episode Black River. Live your life bro.
You only Black River stuff Me. Yeah, no.
Anyway. I'm not too sure but I like
(28:07):
zombies and stuff so I like pool.
Maybe zombie, zombie pool? Zombie pool?
Zombie pool tournament Sounds like a Game Boy colour game.
Zombie Pool. Zombie pool.
It was a Chinese writing on the side of it.
It was zombie pills. Shut up.
No. Not not really.
(28:27):
I've only seen it called episodes of last minute as well,
not really the the new. Series is fucking harrowing.
It's like the the Chris O'Dowd episode is, is brutal, yeah.
Like cool tears. Really.
Yeah. Have you?
What's your favorite? Zombie film or Yeah.
Probably 28 days later, belt in.Yeah, have you ever seen Dead
Set, which was written by Charlie Brooker?
(28:48):
Or was that the? Big Brother 1 Big Brother house.
Zombies in a bit. Well, outside the big.
It's a fucking belt of that. Well worth a look mate.
Yeah, there's a low budget. Though it is quite.
Low budget, but they've got enough that it's a good story.
Not Davina, we're calling. It it has.
To get Davina in and the writingis phenomenal.
There's one point producer Patrick gets a mobile phone and
(29:08):
calls it a robots bollock and just sort of flings it like
that's one of my favorite fucking scenes.
Well, yeah, very well, well worth a look, mate.
I'll. Have a go of that one and all
all. The the cast and crew in the Big
Brother house don't know what's happened outside.
Yeah, it's like. Do you see The Walking Dead?
Obviously yes. Well I thought after the first
one or two series it just went stupid.
(29:28):
I think after re. Was it Reagan?
Yeah, I think it. Was just before that.
I think I just lost just. Lost.
Subtle. But didn't.
Something happen where they had a lot of change of production
staff and produced. I think Frank Darabont was a bit
on strike. Didn't he?
Yeah, he did. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So like there was.
Loads of shit that happened in the background that ended up
ruining it because the the comics were all right.
I really enjoyed the the book ofit.
(29:49):
And that just ended abruptly as well.
Yeah, they were just, he just decided one day he's like,
right, you're fucking done. Yeah.
But he also did a a show that's on Amazon at the minute called
Invincible, which is his take onsuperheroes as well.
Robert Kirkman. And that's well worth a lot.
Yeah, he's fucking belting. Yeah.
I don't really get into any. Of that fantasy stuff for me.
So I'm a big. I'm a big fantasy stuff like
having to that stuff. Yeah.
(30:10):
You like proper. Yeah.
Makes falling Abed and stuff. You're in the main Channel 4.
Yeah. Zombie falling Abed me.
I found a zombie. 6 We put a pound in, and the pain means
(30:31):
what? You quit?
I've got them dead because they killed me.
Yeah. Because Jamie watches
EastEnders. Jamie's big fan of EastEnders,
really, And he watches the old episodes, you know, as well as
the new ones. You know what though?
So since Martin died, I've not been able to send it on Martin.
Fowler, mine's not dead. Yeah.
(30:54):
Yeah. No way, you just spoiled it.
For all of us, catch it up. He died in 1996.
The woman died. Jamie He.
Died in February what happened he died in your life still beam
fell on him oh and and it's it'strapped and it's called pressure
shock it's when you. Get when a car when a car, yeah,
yeah, you can't. You can't reverse.
(31:14):
How can you? Because.
OK, because. All all the toxins flood up to
you. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, and so Stacey, who was
going to die and he saw a new, he saw a new by the end, and
I've not been able to watch it since he's put an.
Apple in his mouth and hold his nose.
(31:35):
An apple. An apple.
From the other one an. Apple From the store come John.
Granny Smith, man. Holding your own.
Nose. No nose.
Oh, you fucking stink. When I worked Tameside radio RIP
(31:55):
it's still going but I'm just I'm not there.
I used to do a show called Wednesday Biscuits that I used
to pre record. I think it was Wednesday. 11
till 1 I loved it. I, I think I wanted to get you
lads on there and I, I just moved so I could, it didn't
work. Anyway, one night they had some
(32:16):
live shows going on and a a couple of the lads who were the
DJs doing the live stuff knew a couple of guys round sort of the
Ashton scene, which is where we,we recorded it and the doorbell
goes. One night it's only me and the
live DJ in the studio. I'm doing my pre record.
So I go and get the door. I open the door.
Who's there? Dirty den?
(32:38):
Oh. Leslie fucking Grantham.
He's at the door and he actuallywent, oh, gorgeous.
And I was like, fuck it, what's going on?
It's a black minute episode. I was in the early. 20s And I
was like, what the fuck are you doing here?
And he's like, oh, I'm here to see.
I think it was Leon or somethinglike that.
One of the guys that was doing the radio show, he's doing panto
(33:00):
in Ashton and he's coming to theradio station to plug it and
then we're going to go for a couple of scoops afterwards
with. The boss, did you ever?
Go over or not? I didn't go, but I really.
Wanted to like, just bang the hand on the door handle and go
remember that that was his dark day.
Was it on the webcams used to bring celebrities?
Yeah, he had a popular. Webcam picked little webcam
(33:21):
court picture, didn't he? Yeah, that's propagating.
Caught that. That's good.
That is. That's good.
That is. Great new webcam.
I love that front page of the Daily Star.
Hutchinson scandal webcam Jamie.Hutchinson, did you?
(33:48):
Miss stand up I I'm. I'm still, I'm still going.
I'm still going. Yeah, I'm not quit.
I did quit. And then I got, I actually got
into writing a little bit while I was sort of finding me.
What's your rates? We're just asking for an
amazing. You pay me in past decent car
but I I found my feet again withwriting really got into the love
(34:10):
of it and then whatever I didn'tsort of pass on are people using
shows I'd I'd keep me eye on andtry out a bit of new stuff and
yet I'm back like I can't yeah, you can't leave this fucking
game can't help. Me can't.
Surely you're fucked. That's it.
Forever. Yeah, but I'm loving it again.
What I've done is I've closed mycircle and I'm just, I'm not
killing myself anymore. I'm not going to the arse end of
(34:31):
the country for fuck all. I'm just doing the ones that I
enjoy and I I love doing. I've got into I'm seeing a
little bit more which I really fucking enjoy now.
Yeah, yeah. And yeah, it's just we're back.
Did you ever? Did you?
Ever get rid of the the studyingat university joke?
Oh, the. People who are scared of what?
Oh, she's so funny. That's a mainstay.
I'll fucking love that. And I've also because me fiance,
(34:53):
Allison, she sends a look, by the way.
Oh yeah, Allison, she just love a comic.
She's a great comic, hey. Jess, she, we go over to the
Canada like sort of every year and she started getting me gigs
out there now as well. So it's like really interesting
learning what works over there in your material compared to,
you know, they've never heard ofthe Chuckle Brothers.
Are you fucking kidding me? So I have to go over every year
(35:16):
and school. Them.
It's sort of like our Michael Beamley.
You're also the owner of a fantastic ass.
Thank you. Mate.
Oh. Mate, best ass in stand up
breath. What mate?
Have you seen his ass? No, have you not seen his ass
lad. Again, Patreon.
(35:39):
Inside about. 3 LB of off get out me on the Tony.
Carroll carpet and I'll dream because he.
Knows he knows it's responsible for loads of viral pictures that
you think it means and it's actually Danny.
It's just me bum the Nancy's been that was him.
Oh yeah. The nonsense.
Every Christmas he's been with nonsense outside the that's
(36:00):
that's. Him, the Penguin skeleton.
Oh shit. That was you that.
Was you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Twerk. What was?
Work that was. When my, that was one of my
finest moments, right? I, I just got into the office.
It was like 5:00 to 9:00 in the morning and I, I just don't
(36:20):
start work immediately looked atmy phone and Miley Cyrus twerked
at Robin Thicke. Is it?
Oh yeah, yeah. The blurred lines at the VMA
awards or whatever. And yeah, this words work.
So I very quickly it's work dictionary types of dictionary
definition place where, you know, a sexually suggestive move
(36:40):
using the bum and hips against someone to a place where
Yorkshiremen go to earn a living.
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and it and my phone was just going work, work, work,
work. And then it got nicked for all
these. Banter pages.
Yeah. And then Bob?
Mortimer retweeted it, but not from my account.
And then the. Rest of the day my phone was
just going I've just tweeted BobMortimer so let him know that it
(37:01):
was yours and then I got a couple of my apologies from big
accounts where they're going. So sorry, didn't realise we may
just sent the e-mail. Yeah, and it was just when, then
where like and then I want about5:00 in the afternoon Bob,
eventually. Corrected it, yeah.
Which I was made-up with, you know what I mean?
I love, fucking love that guy. I think he's the most.
Loved person in the country. He's a, he's a national.
(37:22):
Treasure. He's the next.
Attenborough isn't it once Attenborough and he should do
the he should do the docs after Attenborough dies.
That'd be Bob Mormon. Yeah, that'd be amazing.
He's a fucking but I don't think.
He's that ass though, is he? No, but he's.
Just everyone loves him man. Did you ever?
Watch so. Universally.
Loved it, must be great. Did you ever watch a show?
Called Directors Commentary withRob Brydon.
(37:42):
It was Rob Brydon's really earlyvehicles on ITV, and it was him
as a piece of De Lane, famous director.
And he'd just show old episodes of stuff like Bonanza, you know,
the old cowboy show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And at one point this is what itwas like.
So this is what he just remindedme of because Bob would be very
much like this. All the guys riding in on horses
and then this one guy comes in at the end just on his own horse
(38:03):
and he goes there he is big GaryJamieson there riding on a on a
camel. So well done wardrobe, you know,
but like the planes of like, youknow, like sort of anyway, you
know, desert and all this and like we're actually filming this
in Wigan. But back to your arse.
(38:24):
Thanks mate. That's what the biography's
going to be, because he's got no.
Dimples or anything, or I've seen a fleshy.
Another guy where's the Granthamtold me that's why he was
sucking. Finger.
(38:46):
Gorgeous. He put a picture of on Facebook
in bulk, naked on his shed with a Santa.
Did you come on then, big man? Yeah.
Have you seen Miami? With the Wrecking Ball, No.
Oh mate, man's funny. I'll see.
I'll see if I can get it up. If we can get up, I'll put it
(39:07):
into the please put it. In put it to.
Miley Cyrus on a Wrecking Ball and and it's just my face on it.
Put it on her body mate. It's fucking honestly, it's one
of the best things ever seen my mate.
So my mates just put my face on things and send me up all day
every day. Like I've just got one of them.
Heads haven't I and go on anything honestly mate, I don't
(39:29):
group chats. I must get four or five memes a
day and it's it's it is funny. Do you know what you just.
Reminded me last night I was what?
I don't know what happened on the algos, but the Ian Lee
ringing radio show, Bob Mortimerphoned in one day just as Brian
from the North East and he's like, oh, I've got this thing to
to send you. It's a video of me, me nephew.
(39:51):
It's called fast running. And he's like, right, OK, but he
never lets on that it's Bob that's the thing.
And we're going around the houses with it.
And he ends up sending him the video and he's like, but Bob, I
couldn't see his face is in a balaclava.
And it is, I think it's just Bobjust on the kids sports field
running really slowly. And then they've got all these
Flash intros and it's fast running, sports entertainment,
(40:14):
fast running. And he goes, Why did you?
Why? Did you cover up his face?
Probably go well. He's only young and.
I I put. Some Facebook pictures up of his
14th birthday and one of the lads got hold of it and
photoshopped. You know those beastiality
websites? Ian, he goes, he photoshopped
(40:36):
the lads face onto a monkey witha tuba Lube.
So we've got a key. It's fucking bizarre.
What's that called? It's.
Bob, Bob Mortimer, Ian Lee on YouTube and it's one of the
first things that will come up fast.
Bob Mortimer, fast running. Oh, so good.
I love all that shit, man. I love the the brass eye one to
(41:00):
know where you get all the like better man into and topedo
campaign. I'm Richard Blackwood's I Oh,
there's fumes for the keyboard man, because they go and they
actually have they can send themes that come through the
keyboard that knock the kids out.
So if you can just say that, Oh,you're feeling like edit rich
man was like, oh, I'm feeling. Suggestible just from being
(41:23):
nervous. And that was, I'm talking
nonsense. That's what it was.
So. Fun.
When was last time? When gig done.
The other week I was at least. Yeah, fine.
Oh, was he all sick? Yeah.
Getting. There, they've got.
Early shows. Now they've got an early show on
a Late Show. Oh, nice.
So it's yeah, double for you sat.
There's a pie minister fucking next door.
Come on. You know what I had?
(41:44):
Such a bad gig there one night that there's a Five guy, there's
a Prime Minister one side of Five Guys next door, and I, my
entire set, I was counting down how long it'd be until I was in
Five Guys Next. That's another one bombed 7
minutes now. I've seen that before where I'm
like, especially if you're closing and you're like fucking
I'll expect not overrun, man. I want to make that fucking
(42:06):
cutter don't check in where Indians close.
I was at a show one night and suddenly it's the Davy Johns and
Davy was closing and the the runner come over to us.
I think I'd just been on and he goes right, Davy, we're just
finishing this break up. Last couple of people at the
bar. I think we're all set.
He's like, I know you're scheduled to do 20, but listen,
(42:29):
if you're having fun 2530, whatever you want, just have fun
with it. And you're like, all right,
thanks son. And kid walks away and Davy just
leaned in and went fucking 20. I love are.
You at, at certain points like what you're on stand up.
You do like the extra bit of time, don't you?
Yeah. But when you just board, when
(42:50):
you do 4 gigs a week and sort ofyou get that 4th gig and they
say 20 minutes. So you do half an hour, you
don't, you're like, yeah, no, I'm doing sweaty.
I think that's the sign. That you're being sweaty.
Yeah, yeah, it's come. It's come now, Yeah, the emails
now. It's like fucking closing sets.
Half an hour. I've shared a. 35 minutes.
They come off 2 on Sunday. The attention.
Span in there. She's jingling keys 15 minutes
(43:12):
in, aren't You know what I mean?Yeah.
Yeah. The kids don't want it.
I am on a Saturday, it's MC3 fifteens bang lad, it's so easy.
Lad, it's my dream. Yeah, it's easy.
It's easy for. You it's lovely for them, yeah,
yeah. You know, it's just, yeah,
anything shorter or longer, I think that's.
Why it's so successful as well? Because it just sticks the guns
I don't like and you get you gota bollock.
(43:33):
And if you go over here, I mean for me and Jamie.
I've not just got we know what you're.
Going to do, just give it. Yeah, I've not done 15 since I
was doing gong shows. Fucking tagged me off this
state. Who was it that's famous for
going over Patrick Monahan? Yeah, I've got a bit of his
gene, Basnet. Told me a brilliant story once
(43:55):
he said, right, He said Patrick was opening this one gig and
closing up the other and vice versa.
So time's needed to be tight. So he said, I'm trying to
explain this to Patrick and said, right, 20 minutes, you're
off stage, you're in the car andyou you're doing the other gig.
He's like, where do you want your light?
And Patrick goes, give me a light at 5 and I'll start
wrapping up. I did, I did a gig of him,
(44:18):
Monson, Hartlepool, something like a pub gig and stuff and he
he got flashed and he'd only just finished hugging the crowd.
You hadn't hugged every person inside and he got.
Flashed when he just gone. Yeah, it was.
It was Castle. He kills it.
See. You know?
I know. Yeah.
Actually a long time ago, though.
Yeah, I've got to. Tell you this, I did a gig in me
in D town the other week in Drowsde.
(44:41):
It's called the jam works. Oh my God.
It's roughly. Do you know what?
I thought it was because I've I've tried to do shows in
Droylsden before and they didn'twant it.
There's something about that ourarea where they just don't want
it. There's only the best.
As well, I think. Yeah, they.
Just they'll, they'll fucking have you.
They smell blood immediately. Like, right, fucking go on then.
But this one was completely different.
(45:02):
And apparently the way this pub came about was there's a place
down the road called The Lazy Toad and the the guy that runs
the jam works. Darren got bad from the Lazy
Toad. What he got bad.
From the lazy toad, bad From thelazy toad way.
Yeah, bad Lazy toad. You'd get bad just like you'd
get bad for, like, fucking infringing the copyright.
The frog outside, we get bad. You've come dressed as this
(45:27):
frog, you're taking a piss. You go bad for a week, you big
lazy toad. Open spot Shannon put you on.
What am I going to you today? What am I going to you today?
Come after me. Fucking.
Sight in there for the yeah. Now I.
Don't like pool like a frog He. Used the one I told you about
(45:50):
but I used to go in the lazy told when I was like 1819.
He used to get used to give you sentences like you go you would
because I had been sick on my shoes.
Again, he's like that second offense.
When he tell the story goes, I was like, we had a book, yeah.
I'd like a little book. He was the knobhead.
(46:11):
Yeah. He used to stand that, you stand
that and like seals coming in from another pub.
Is that a late license? And you'd go Nope, you still got
a week to serve. You thought he was fucking?
Tony so proud. I know he's.
Unbelievable with a lazy. Toad Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, so Darren gets bad and then about a week later word
gets round that goes if if he's going to come in and apologise,
then I'll let him back in. So he goes to go in the Dorman
(46:34):
goes to stop him and he's like, listen, I'm fucking I'm trying
it. So they let him in and he goes
in and it's like literally, you know, record scratch your pub
goes quiet. Someone just like cleaning the
grass like that. And he goes here to apologise
and goes no you fat cunt, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to open 2 bars down the fucking road and I'm going
(46:57):
to shut you down you fucking asshole Mark Myers.
And then walks out anyway. 4 month later, buys 2 fucking
bars, 5 minutes spitting distance from the fucking place.
One called the Jam works, one called the Snug.
They're thriving. They've got a brilliant comedy
night. Fucking packed every night,
Friday and Saturdays. Fucking can't get in, lazy toad.
He's just cleaning his glass on his own now.
(47:19):
Oh, empty, empty book, because nobody comes in, all right.
You're not bad anymore. Come back in, you'll be getting
a call when I was just. Saying get a dear.
Come on. Like, come on, Jamie.
Lad, he sends us over lads, but this is the best.
Of it so I'm me dad's telling meall this the day I'm about to to
go and do the gig. Are you running are?
(47:39):
You like comparing it? No, no.
I. Was I was told, you know what I
applied like because I just wanted to see what was going to
be high because it sounded lovely.
That's where you're promised. As well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So and a couple of me mates from
school came in and and it was really over to see him.
So anyway, I was just about to go and do the gig.
I dropped me dog off at me mum and dad's obviously it's me
baby. I'm like, right, I'm going to go
(47:59):
and do the show and my dad goes just so you know, Darren, you
know I was telling you about. So I used to work with him on
the tools. I was training him as a plumber.
Just say, you know, if he comes home and says are you Roy's lad?
Or if you know, if you let on say I'm Roy's lad and say, Oh
no, he used to work with you. He always said you were a
useless cunt like and I'm like, I'll get him, don't worry dad
and all this. I'm stood at the bar waiting to
(48:21):
go on and this bloke sort of goes to move around, man, big
fella. And then the light from behind
me just disappears. He's that big.
That giant haste fucking stunning front of me.
When are you Rosa? Oh fuck, he always said you were
(48:45):
a useless colour. I'm not Darren.
What was it? Was it busy as well?
Yeah, fucking hammered. Mate, was it?
Yeah. Brilliant.
Yeah, it was on. Everyone knew it was Matt.
A fellow from round here, a fellow from Liverpool.
(49:06):
Matt. I can't remember his second
name, Jones. Matt Jones, he's got like a you
can put your hand print on his belly.
Oh, maybe. Saying that, I mean, lads, look
us. But I'm pretty honest.
But it's got like a dead red belly.
Ohk. OK.
And you can like it's got like amagic bell.
Not Jones, not a magic Bella, but Jones got a magic bell.
(49:30):
You need to do a book of anatomy.
Danny Suckliff's ass. You're Matt Jones, Belly,
probably. Book a few years in and you just
spread the stream. He's got to get in the circle
now he's got a. Magic belly, I swear to God,
watch. This upper bike isn't that gotta
go out that much. Jones, he's got a magic.
No, he's got a connector. Sketch.
Belly. Matt Jones.
Hasn't got a magic belly. Has I've signed it?
(49:54):
Yeah. You do that.
And you see it for a minute and then it goes.
I connect your sketch thing. Why you go like?
That, yeah. You're one of the red bellies.
Magic red belly out, you thought.
David Blaine. Was good, you just.
(50:18):
Fucking triggered a memory in me.
I don't know if this is true, like, but I'm pretty sure Jack
that was in the crowd. And this is so funny, lad.
Is it true? Yeah.
Oh, my God. I'll.
I'll give you the floor. This is one of the best stories
I've ever heard. Thank you for reminding.
I. Did forget about it.
I did write down a couple of stories that wasn't on the list
(50:39):
that I wanted to tell you today.Was this on the list?
What's happened here So. Have you heard of a show called
Britain's Got Talent? Yes, right.
My mate gets in touch with me and he's sort of a Booker for
it. And it goes with this is open
auditions, Danny. But we've got this mechanical
token and there's a couple of comics vying for it.
(51:00):
But what we want to do is we're going to have this two can on
stage and we're going to have him doing stand up like.
A bird, Yeah. Just this colourful.
Bird on a. Perch.
Perch is about this big, but a guy has got a remote control.
Alan, He's backstage, he's got this remote control stand up.
It's. Just a bird doing stand up.
So like this sounds interesting.He's like, it might go nowhere.
(51:21):
It might be fun. Do you fancy writing some jokes
for it? So got a couple of, you know,
toucan based articles up on me think and started writing a
couple of wrote, wrote 5 minutesfor this fucking toucan sent it
over and the next day he went, you're in, he went you, you've
got it. Do you want to do it?
So we went and had a meeting. I met the bird.
(51:41):
I met the toucan. Don't say you got the same
artistic which at. 1st we call it Tony and then yeah, it was
like Tony the token. And he's like, no, I think we're
going to go for Terry. The developers, producers didn't
like Tony. I'm like, well, I'm the writing
for Tony anyway. Anyway, it ended up being Tony
(52:02):
the token. I fought tooth and nail.
All things just die on so all these.
Jokes are getting pitched and coming back and then, you know,
the same 10 minutes that we write comes back the next day of
like, no, you need to chase things.
So there's a bit of going back and forward.
What they really liked eventually was us roasting the
judges and like going they're like really go for Amanda.
(52:24):
Like we found everyone in the producers room was like, go for
Amanda. So I'm like, right, OK.
So we we base the set around that.
We get to the Lowry at Salford Quays where they were, they were
filming it and I felt really sorry for Alan 'cause he's a
bloke in his late 50s and like all the production crew were
trying to, I didn't, I need to be there at this point.
I'm, I'm just, you know, the voice.
(52:46):
But he does the mechanical stuffand they're like trying to, he's
lying down under a bench trying to hold this toucan up at
Salford Keys and they're trying to get the water in and all
that. I'm like, he's in his 50s.
We've not had dinner like letting but he's like oh you
know, look at fucking all this shit.
Anyway, we do the fake signing in and all that and everything
and then they sat us in this room with like other contestants
(53:11):
and I, I'd not had any dinner bythis point.
We've been there about 6 hours and they sat us next to this old
bloke who was like AI think he played piece of paper or
something. You know what these fucking
weird. You know what?
I mean, yeah, well, you playing?Pal paper you.
(53:31):
He was dressed like the Artful Dodger in his 60s, you know what
I mean? And he was a cockney bloke and
they put, and then this woman with a whip, she was dressed as
like a Mortal Kombat cats and she whipped things.
That was her. So it's the toucan, artful
Dodger and whip lady. And we're supposed to be having
banter. So I'm stood just out of a shot.
I'm miked up and everything forgot I was miked up by the
(53:53):
way. So we're supposed to be having
this top conversation and he turns to the toucan and he goes,
how do you get here? And I went, oh, in an Uber.
He goes an Uber, sort of mugs atthe camera and I'm stood next to
and I'm like, for fuck's sake, Idon't think this is going to
fucking work. You know, I'm not.
I've had enough of this already,Alan.
And then I. Just get a tap on my shoulder
(54:13):
from one of the producers going.You're still miked.
Do you want a cup of tea? I fucking love it.
Pulled us out of that. Anyway, we've got like 4 hours
to go. We end up fucking about.
We're backstage, right? And this is, this is the big
bit. So they built a wooden box for
(54:34):
the toucan to to be revealed from.
And this was a really bizarre moment.
I'm stood next to Anne from Anneand Deck.
I'm helping him put the box up for this toucan.
And I went, you know what, mate?Just just watch your fingers
when you lift this. It's got a lip and it'll, it
caught me already. And he just went, yeah.
And I'm like, you know what? Have a fucking drink or
(54:56):
something, you miserable little prick.
Fucking come at me. It's been a long day, Ant.
Where's Dec? He's nice.
Anyway, I got him in a tweet later.
Did you see that one? And it was Ant's head under a
microscope. And I thought they'll show you
that. Went by anyway I'm.
Digressing. So this toucan's in the box,
we're ready to go right? We're in the wings.
(55:17):
I'm I'm stood backstage. I've got a little camera so I
can see the judges, but they can't see me.
I'm miked up. Alan's next to me with the
controls. We're ready to fucking go right?
It's Showtime. So box falls open and what they
said was they're going to talk to you first.
So don't say anything. Wait for them to go.
(55:39):
Hello there. They didn't fucking do that.
So I'm just like, hello. And they're like, hello, yes,
you can start if you want. I'm like, oh, don't you try and
fucking trip me up. I'm in a mobile too.
Alan's fucking working here. Come on.
So I just start. I'm like, hello, Alicia.
(56:00):
Oh, no. So hello, Simon.
I'm from the Caribbean, where all your money lives.
And he's like, all right. I said, hello, Alicia.
I loved you in the sugar babes. And she goes, push the button.
And I went, oh, I hope you don't.
She doesn't get it. She she's not really.
She doesn't know what's going onhalf the time.
Bless her, she's happy to be outof the house thick as fuck.
(56:25):
I said. Hello David Williams, I've got
all your books and DVDs from thePound shop.
Hello Amanda. Me and you have got a lot in
common. I get mistaken for a parrot
quite a lot and I believe you get mistaken for Holly
Willoughby quite a lot. But then again, Holly wouldn't
(56:45):
be in a Wetherspoons at 3:00 on a Tuesday afternoon, would she?
Amanda, These veins just appear and she just saw she's actually
slight turns to relation, goes fuck and then just goes and it
is so loud lads, I can't tell you how fucking loud it.
(57:07):
They do it on purpose apparently, because I've seen
Axe go. Like that?
Yeah. After it, you shake you.
It's really. Unnerve you.
That's when I but me mate told me he's like keep going.
If you get buzz, just keep going.
Don't worry about it. So I did a couple more gags at
least at one point I actually did some material and at least
he's like, I don't get that one.I'm like, well, you wouldn't,
would you? I'm coming across the sag.
(57:28):
I'm getting annoyed. On that street.
Forgetting I'm a tuka. Fuck off.
You, don't you? Fucking start, Alan can't.
Keep up with controls. Mystique my shit.
I'll tell you fucking what. So eventually David can tell I'm
(57:50):
bombing, and he actually gives me a grace I like a graceful
death. Like he presses the thing and
then Amanda pushes at least his fucking buzzer.
Like she's sick of me by now. She's like just sort of she's
still fuming from the very first.
I think we had a couple more digs at Amanda, but like, I'm
team Les Dennis anyway. But like she was just, she sat
there just like that. And it's the end of the day.
(58:11):
Everyone's tired and we get to the judge's deliberations.
I got I got 4 red buzzers. What are the crowd?
Like. At first they were on side, and
then the minute Amanda turned onme, they were like, oh, and they
became like a Jerry Springer crowd.
And I'm like, don't you fucking turn.
Listen to the accent. Listen to words.
(58:32):
We're supposed to. Be together knocking that
fellow's paper. You can fuck off at all.
Plain paper. I'm a 2.
So the maddest thing about this is Simon Cowell was loving it,
right? His shoulders are going because
(58:53):
I think, I don't think he likes Amanda.
So he's like, listen, it was very funny, but I just, I don't
think it was your day, you know?And then David was like, well,
you're the funniest 2 can we've ever had.
I'm like, shut the fuck up, Alicia.
Again, I didn't really get it. I'm like, we know.
We fucking know. And then we cut to a they'd
(59:16):
saved Amanda for last and she she's still seething and she
goes listen to a mechanical token.
Amanda Norton goes listen to a robot token on stage.
She goes, I'm going to go back to one of my many properties
tonight and not care about anything you've said.
(59:39):
And this is where they cut me, mic, because I just went, how
many caravans are we talking about you?
Should have left that in and it.I just, he just went.
They're like you. You're done.
You're done. Wow.
Because I was waiting for his because I went to go and you've
and like, he just went. Cut his fucking mic.
(01:00:00):
Yeah, you're out. Come on.
And then the next thing I know, we're in the car park and I'm
still talking to my mate and he's like, we had to go.
And Alan's like, I don't know what happened.
Everyone was dead. Positive in the auditions like
in a production stuff, everyone was dead.
Lovely. What happened?
And I was just, I ended up saying it's going, it's
Chinatown, Alan, forget about. That's amazing.
(01:00:26):
Though never gonna hit, Never heard, never heard.
So funny you died. On your houses too.
And she's definitely. Said after that though, if you
wear that off, yeah, yeah, definitely whatever.
And then sat. Having a beer with me, mate,
like so because we sat in silence for like 10 minutes and
just showed the first ones, you know, you throw them back Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And we started laughing and then
(01:00:46):
me phone goes and it's Jack Goddard going.
Were you just the voice of a robot parrot on Britain's Got A?
Message where you had I'm sure I'm sure fucking just got
Britain's Got Talent. I'm gonna put him down to
Britain's Got Talent. Like when No, that was a parrot
went Oh yeah, of. Course, now you say that, but
the way he said. It I thought you were like the
(01:01:08):
eventually dressed up what? Do you think about that, uncle?
Peter. Oh, I wanna wait to finish the
Blondies. Fucking hell, that's one of the
stories I've had in a while. So good.
Mate, so boy, yeah, you bet you triggered it with magic.
I was like fucking a good job with that thank.
(01:01:29):
You for being a classmate. Oh no.
So thank you very much for calling me.
Do you wanna give another shout out for the film as well to get
everyone to go watch it 'cause I'm gonna be watching that?
Definitely 100% yes please if you get.
Chance Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball or mostly Amazon prime?
Sorry, sorry, I've been looking at I'm I'm you can sound cock.
I can't. No.
It'll marry Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball.
(01:01:51):
Just have a Google of it. Please.
Give it a watch. I hope you enjoy it.
It's really funny and I'm dead proud of it.
Yeah, well, thank you lads. I've watched the.
Sutcliffe Report. Oh yeah.
Fuck yeah all. Right that's it love you and
leave here. Come inside to Patreon.
Just £3 a month. You get 2 bonus episodes a week
and you hope to keep us in clothes and beer.
Love you lots. Thank you very.
Much goodbye now.
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(01:30):
It's classmates little by a minute.
I like that one with the becauseit's similar to like me and my
missus now because she works like NHS and that right, like
research and stuff. So you know the sketch where one
(01:53):
works at the ice cream factory and wants a brain surgeon and he
comes home from work. I had a really tough day today.
Oh, what happened? You went No, what a bird in you.
I mean, you're a brain surgeon saving kids lives.
I mean, what's a bad day for me compared to?
He was like, no, come on. Listen, we've both got important
jobs. Well, I'm testing the new
(02:14):
Raspberry ripple and it's just not Raspberry enough in there.
And it's really came me down. They didn't really laugh at me
in Coventry. Yeah, I just found out the
fucking mental There's a mental health crisis and there's no
money. For it, yes.
Well, welcome to the podcast HotWater Screen with podcast with
(02:35):
me, Tony Cull. Oh yeah, me.
Jamie Hutchinson. I just wanted to see if you're
still. Fucking oh Nah bring.
That there we have a very special guest, my first ginger
monk friend ever. So would say only.
(02:56):
Oh. Right.
I thought he was going to see someone else.
Are we ginger? I never.
I always thought we were like strawberry.
But. I got told, you know, I got told
that as a kid. Yeah, I just told we wanted the
first a year 7. My mum, my mum went.
Look, I know we've said it, but you are ginger.
You're going to get some shit it.
(03:21):
Gets on the bus. The world changes in a day.
Fuck. Yeah, because I was just sold on
it. Sure, I thought, as an actual
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's take me when I used to get in.
You're not fat, you've got big bones.
(03:43):
No thyroid bones there, mate. Coming in fat, Puppy fat, Yeah.
It's just a bit of puppy fat thyroid.
I mean, that still goes. It's.
Just a bit of puppy fat get off.When will dogs stop chasing me?
Oh God. It's been a while, Dad.
(04:05):
It's been a while, hasn't it? Really has made.
How long have you seen each other?
Since not. How about now?
Because obviously you're not. Probably you're not living.
In Manchester anymore, are you? No.
It's one of those though we had like a load of run of a lot seen
each other a long. Time, yeah, and then just a
massive happens in comedy, though, yeah.
So it's lovely to see. That breaks though is a big
break isn't it? So must be about 14 years or
something is it? Fucking up we were this is envy
(04:26):
days and yeah of hot water. Yeah, yeah.
Go right back. In the hot water first started.
It was just been a 15th birthday, yeah, so it must be
thirteen years or so because I don't know a few gigs with you
in Manchester. Remember that you and stuff
didn't stuff like that. They were like the year above us
at school. Milo Mas, Tom Lawrenson, Hannah
Platt are all coming up and all them year elevens.
(04:48):
They're like, give me USM 58. You're also so simple, Vin,
SATA, yeah. Moral and.
Yeah, Stan. Yeah, a couple of the gang.
Yeah, Lane, actually, who, who, who?
Her brother did did the film as well.
Yeah, that's how I got in with the gang.
Oh, I always loved coming to Envy because you had a fucking
crew. Yeah, you had like Adam, like
Lewis, Calvin, Andrew Kearney. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(05:10):
I've just got advice. It's Kearney's wedding.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, that's the other
day. I haven't seen him for fucking.
He's like your best amazing comedy then went vanished for 10
years. I went like fatty like.
What? What so?
Where have you been? He went busy, lad.
You want to come to the. Web in 10 years.
Well, that's messages. See FIFA this gig mate 20th 2014
by the. Way.
He was just off around the number so I was like who the
(05:32):
fuck's this? And then I seen his profile
picture so where the fuck have you been?
Said busy lad. He said what?
10 years, he said. You want to be wedding or not?
Yeah. Yeah, he's great.
Yeah. So he has me, Adam, Andrew, Paul
Smith, obviously Calvert and then you and then you had a
usually group thing. Yeah, we were just.
(05:52):
It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't though.
Beefing off. But we never used to really
mingle, did we? And then obviously then you just
come over then and then it. Was always amicable, that's what
I was about. It was always lovely.
There's no, I think, is it a football thing, The Manchester?
Yeah. And it's not playful though in
it I think. Absolutely.
Yeah, but when I when I was younger though, like you say, if
I went to Wales or something like a mutual ground, you know
what I mean? Like if he was manks there in
(06:14):
the scouses, he was just that tension or that, that thing, you
know what I mean? But it has always come from
football because the city's a proper very similar, especially
the the, the, the like the council house estates and stuff
like that. Yeah, true that, that kind of
background that's very similar to Liverpool, you know what I
mean? So I think it's just a football
rivalry because because I, I think Manchester well.
(06:35):
Like second cousins that might kiss at a wedding.
We fight, then we fuck, then we fight, then we fuck, but I
brought I don't you'll you'll really like this because you're
from Cotton Ridge. You'll like this.
One of my first memories for youis I came down to Liverpool to
do a gig and it had been cancelled and I am brand new
like for a piss and vinegar, butfrom Drawlsdon.
(06:57):
So and I remember talking to youanother show.
It might have been an M there and whoever had organized this
gig had just pulled it and not told anyone any of the man
caught anyway. And then I think we had a
mutual, we knew who it was and Iwas like, I'm going to swat him
and you're like, why are you going to twat him?
And I and this, I've been going 5 minutes and you're like, what
the fuck are you on about? I'm like, yeah, he put on a gig
and then didn't tell us it was going on.
And you're like, well, why are you going to twat him?
(07:18):
And I was like, I don't know is.That what?
I'm saying, but yeah, you were sort of laughing about it.
You're like, why? Like it just got cancelled.
And I'm like, because I'm from Drawlsdon and I think this is
what I'm supposed to do now. We need to.
Fight, you know, I was like that, Yeah.
I was like fuck, fuck, that's being cancelled.
I fucking hate. But I had no idea and then I was
(07:41):
like, it made me actually think,Oh no, this is a different game,
I don't need to. And I've never had a fight in my
fucking life as. Well, one conversation with me,
I changed his life. He did he.
Turned it round, Tony. Carol Robbins here I.
Was talking just before off camera where Danny was there for
my worst ever echo, although I cut the deepest anyway.
(08:01):
Did a gig in the Greek restaurant, didn't I?
You know this lad was on your Lucas Kirk, don't you?
It's like that jolly and really friendly sort of stuff.
Johnny Guy? No, no, he's, he's Welsh.
Nobody's not. Paying the picture for you.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's all like panto.
(08:23):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he came on.
He's dying on his ass on this guy just walks off like what's
this shit? He walks out.
So he carries on doing something, going a bit red in
the face. The guy comes back because he's
left his pine and he goes, goes looks at him again.
Died twice in the same fucking 5minutes.
(08:45):
But I went on just just stomp the calf out me 20 minutes of
silence one and he just went. Someone just went at the end.
Nice speech. And then me and them just went
out, got twatted over Jack Queen.
We did, did you? We did.
It was it was the weirdest fucking night.
It was the middle of summer, won't it?
It was the first night of this new gig in the middle of the gay
village downstairs in the Greek bar.
(09:07):
No one knew what was going on and there was no organization
was there. I think I was MC ING and I was
so, so new to MC ING as well. And I was falling out of love
with everything. And it was pretty clear cook,
that the gig weren't going to work.
I couldn't be arsed. And then the minute someone got
a laugh I was like, oh fucking hell, we might all show it.
And then it just sank again. I was like, oh you fucking knob
heads. Are you?
(09:30):
Somebody said the well on. It really did.
I mean, this stunning drag queenjust made a beeline for us and
was like trying to get people in.
Yeah. Then we just fucking got.
On Oh, is that what do? You remember.
Is that why she did it? I think like just they were,
they were getting people. There.
Yeah. Oh, was she just a PR?
Yeah. Given for men, would you walk
off? Shit, why did you think it was
your mate? Is she Vegas?
(09:50):
Yeah, he just approached the only man at the bar like we had
a connection. Now it.
Was just. It was.
Just to get you into GAY after 11.
I was not really having a laugh in the Greek restaurant.
Look how close to this and. I thought, oh, let's carry on,
let's go gay village and that I'm like, fuck off, Danny, go
(10:12):
on. You've got words for, aren't
you, Dad? Yeah.
Me and me misses watched an episode of Drag Race because
Alison was like, you need to watch this.
It's really, they're funny because a lot of them are comics
as well. And we sat there and we're now
we're in and I'm like, right. And it was really funny, really
entertaining. And we finished the first show
and we started the second one. I just turned from like, when do
(10:34):
they race? Because she's not getting fired
in their heels. They're sick.
He actually raced. I actually thought he was like
a, you know, like some kind of elements and then I'm like so
I'm a builder from Drawlsdon originally, you know what I
mean? And then after like 3 episodes
I'm like, she's just not broughtin this week.
(10:55):
She just needs to step her pussyup if she wants to win.
This is Drag Race. I mean, something like that.
If if Lauren watches like, you know, some like date and show us
something. I just go absolute Josh, you're
watching. Well that's toxic.
He shouldn't be doing that. He knows she's insecure about
her legs. He shouldn't be doing that.
(11:17):
Drags you in, didn't it? You know what, I used to come
home from work when I worked in a call centre and while I was
getting changed I'd put, I thinkit was like Channel 5 on because
I couldn't stand whatever was onChannel 4 and then 6:00 The
Simpsons. So I'd watch shows, just have
stuff on in the background whileI'm waiting for The Simpsons.
Anyway, it landed on Channel 5. I know.
Waiting for a second that was your in your late 20.
(11:42):
What a lads. Who are you for The Simpsons?
Is that drag queen sex now? I kiss the fucking wires.
And then all of a sudden the Gilmore Girls I catch like the
last 20 minutes of the Gilmore Girls.
And then after after about a month of doing it, I'm like, she
just wants us to find load. I'd be putting getting home
(12:03):
early for it. Put The Simpsons, get the
Gillies, I'll get the clothes. On you've recently swapped stand
up for acting. I have me.
I'd fall into that I. Literally did fall into it.
I got very lucky. So our mutual friend Laney
Johnson, who's a stand up on theManchester circuit, her brother
Leif is a writer, a producer anddirector who's done a lot of
(12:25):
music videos and a couple of adverts and stuff like that
based in London. But he's from Hyde originally.
And we, he, he came down and hada like a weekend in Manchester
and we just, we fell in love a little bit.
You know when you get a proper bromance.
Going I love falling in love with.
You man did a couple of edibles like we had.
We had a fucking brilliant week.You missed that feeling.
(12:46):
I love it, man. You know, you just like, say
when someone comes into the group and you're like, oh, I
don't know if they're going to hit them.
And then they are the fucking. They are the vibe.
Yeah, you get, you had that moment together one night where
you're like this is going to be.Fucking so rare when it happens,
it's just fucking this is where were you, man?
Yeah, yeah. Where were you and The Simpsons,
I mean. You have that to me.
(13:08):
Yeah, I. Still love that and I need to.
Could you put your mic a bit closer, please?
Sorry, my friend. Yeah.
Is that OK, pal? Thank you, mate.
And then lockdown happened. I'd sort of quit stand up
comedy. I was burnt out.
I think I did a weekend in like Brighton and then the next
weekend was Glasgow. I was driving both and I'd had
(13:28):
enough. I was just done.
And then I quit and then a week later lockdown it and everyone
else fucking quit. So I'm like, well, fuck you.
And then Leif rang me after about a month of lockdown and
he's like, listen, I've started writing this script.
I want to make a film and, and it's about like just lads
playing snooker or pool and justgetting on it.
And it's this sort of sort of a gangster element to it.
(13:48):
But this character, I had your voice in my head every time I
was writing him and I'm just picturing you as him.
So do you want to try and make atrailer for it?
And you're like, Nah, you know, right, Of course.
Yeah. I'm so fucking lutely written
this for me. So yeah, so we got cast.
It's. Cool, aren't?
It it was. I was made-up.
You're not. Going to auditions and all that,
just. Like this is written for you.
(14:09):
Really. For you?
Yeah. That happened to Stacey Slater
in EastEnders. Really got Stacey Slater written
for her. That's fucking brilliant.
After audition. No, no.
And the same thing happened to Joe Absalom, who played Matthew
Rose in 98. I think Stacey got a raw deal
though didn't she? Because she's like, your first
fuck around is going to be Max with the Mr. Burns haircut.
(14:30):
Bradley Max, as you've been through a while, mate, go.
On Yeah. And then we got together.
We spent a weekend in Oxford andshot the trailer, and then
exactly a year to the day that Ithink we shot it, we got the
grant money for it. And we had two weeks in Oxford
booked off. Old crew was there and he
managed to cast. He got a load of comics in, like
(14:52):
Shay Burnley's in it. Ruth Coburn.
Oh, yeah. Smug Roberts, who plays, they
all play blinders, but Smug's got this really good scene with
us together. And Clint Boone from the
Inspiral carpet. He's one of the band.
Yeah. And he just got this brilliant
gang together that my Co sort ofactor and it Danny Parsons, I
think he's the only Southerner in it actually.
(15:13):
Everyone else is from the Northwest to Summit.
And yeah, we, we shot it, we gotit down and then it was in post
production. It's called Mr. Doom by the way,
behind the 8 ball. It's about Jack and Charlie.
I'm Jack. And it's 2 lads who sort of meet
in a pool hall. Jack gets sort of ripped off by
Charlie and Charlie owes a load of money and he has to sort of
go on the road drinking and sortof scrapping and just sort of
(15:35):
have it playing pool. Basically, they're trying to get
this money back and it's it's all right.
It's funny. You know what?
I. Mean is it playing pool?
I try to hustle people as well. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, exactly. Oh.
Mate, you're gonna love it the minute you see these shots.
So you're gonna be like, no way,Danny.
I'm a big pool fan. I have a pool no.
You're not I've. Had a pool table in me house
(15:55):
flat. Pool.
I'm a pool fan. I sucked them all over Beer
Engine you. Little mother.
Muppet that shit. Pool that have a big pool but.
I'm getting gangster out becauseI mean, on this.
Yeah, on this. When he went.
Oh yeah. Well, Lauren's got these dating
shows on that and I just go, no,you watch the meet.
(16:17):
No, don't do meet. You want to sign up to our
Patreon? You'll see the real Jamie over
on there. Yeah, everyone has like a
starter bag, don't they? I'm a big pool fan.
You're not a big pool fan, lad. I know, you know, just like
Michael Barrymore. What about a lot?
(16:41):
Then put that on your toes. Well, in this pool there's not
as many horrific anal injuries you're.
Trying to get people to watch it.
I'm sorry if that's a spoiler. Yeah, is.
It is it coming out on is it coming out on on a Amazon?
It's on anything except Netflix based and anything except
(17:01):
Netflix. It's on Amazon Prime, I think,
Spotify, Rakatan and stuff like that.
But yeah, have a look out for it.
Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball the. Pounds out now.
It is. It's online now.
Yeah. Oh.
I've got Amazon Prime before. Before all that though I know
it's big like filming that. That's great.
You have to watch the Suck CliffReport on YouTube.
It's one of the best things evermade where it's so fucking fun.
(17:24):
Thank you, pal. Daddy plays a disgrace like,
well, fault is is like deluded former journalists.
I mean, he tries to solve this crime of an illegal dogfighting
happening in his head and someone's left to skip outside,
right. And who's left that here with
Paul? We'll investigate that as well.
(17:45):
Some funny one. The reason that came about, we
were doing a thing called SketchOh, with a couple of Northwest
acts. Phil Ellis was in it as well.
And they wanted like written like performative sketches, but
also video stuff to show. And me and me housemate Dave
Stania just shot this in like a couple of days.
No budget fuck all. And I mean, I won't give it
away, but the ending came about because the skip disappeared.
(18:08):
That ending is amazing. Isn't it but.
Does he got like world of views and stuff?
No, no. Just all me.
Yeah, I watch it like every couple of bums with.
It might be like 10 years old now, but like they.
Yeah, it was one of the first for raising to doing sketches.
And I love make. I found it funny.
(18:29):
But did you ever that was based on a show called The Cook
Report. Did you ever see that guy called
Roger Cook in like the 80s and 90s?
Yeah. Someone like Panorama or Yeah
Dispatches. He was like your first.
Not Jeremy Carr. What's that Matt thingy from?
Oh yeah. Watchdog Yeah.
Where people? Get ripped off and he
investigates it and this you. Didn't because what Tony's been
(18:49):
doing, because I he was going around giving quotes like you'll
get the carpet fitted or he had loads of different businesses.
I'll come around for a quote andhe'd always come round at dinner
time to get a free pasty off andthen Matt would turn off your
head. Are you are you happy with all
these passes, Sony? Hey, where's the carpet?
(19:10):
Sony, where's the carpet? Give us a pass, then I'll tell
you. Well, you can't drop.
Crumbs on someone that's not there, fucko.
So, yeah. So how long so so after the
(19:31):
lockdown and you've done this, this this film, are you planning
on sticking to acting on I'm I'mhoping.
To get a few more rolls. I mean, I had a sausage one on
the way in. Yeah.
Serious. I thought you give.
Up comedy, but I've just. Finished another one.
I got really lucky actually, because we, we, we had a
screening for Mr. Doom and another lad was another producer
(19:52):
works for the similar productioncompany and he was making one
called Nowhere Bridge. That was his first film at the
time. And he watched the Screener, got
in touch with me and went, listen, I think you'd be good
for, for, for this guy in my film.
And at first I was a bit or because it's, it's a very
completely like different from Mr. Doom.
(20:12):
I got so lucky with Mr. Doom that it's that's me in that film
getting pissed and doing bad shots and stuff.
But in this one it's a serious sort of character.
And I nearly turned it down and I was speaking to Leif, the
director of Mr. Doom, and he's like.
Northwest working class actors don't just get a phone call to
be offered another fucking film roll.
So take it even if you, you know, it's, it's going to be
(20:33):
tricky. Just fucking take it.
So it did, we just finished that.
We, we did some green screen down the road.
Actually there's a studio just down the way from here that we
shot a couple of days on and it's that's called Nowhere
Bridge. I'm a Samaritan on the phones.
So I've already got another one in the chamber sort of thing.
So that's coming out. But yeah, I'm up for anything,
man. What about writing?
(20:54):
Oh. That, I mean, that was what I
wanted to do originally. We came, we came up with.
Like a couple of film ideas, OK,because I've been trying, I said
it on the Patreon episode. Yeah, I've been trying to lose a
dream. I've came up with this film idea
just by dreaming, OK, about thisworking class sheepherder and
he, he only has like 1 sheep to herd, but he's fucking shit out
(21:16):
of here. He's like, and now sheep's like
yeah, fuck off. And he goes to a sheepherd in
competition, and it's against all these big farms from Wales
and all that. They're all like looking down
the nose of me. So I'm a street herd.
Do you know what I mean? I haven't got farms to practice
with. I have to practice in me
backyard. But this American scouts me.
(21:37):
This American's like, Oh my God,I love how you hurt that sheep
man. You remind me of a young Jimmy
Johnson. And then Jimmy Johnson turns out
to be my granddad, who's ostracised from the family.
But he's a massive in the sheepherding community in
America. And I come and retrace his
steps. And every time I'm in America is
is the jerks to position here. Every time I'm in England, I
(22:00):
think my granddad's a hero. Yeah, he's hated.
So I'm against the grain, OK. When I'm in.
America, they seem to hear. But I hate him because I knew he
was shagging about on me. Granny, that's your artistic
side. What's the battle?
(22:25):
Yeah, you could be this Americanscout.
Listen kid, you got I'm just seeing how you're looking at
(22:46):
your brown hat. Could you play big Wall?
You know, the big arts like you see like.
Have you got any? Ideas on any films?
Yeah, I mean like there's, there's loads of shit.
(23:06):
I'd I I do sort of rather than lucid, I do daydreaming about
stuff I love, like zombie stuff.Yeah, I do.
I like zombie stuff. I always like.
I mean, an episode of like BlackMirror, have you got, have you,
have you got your own idea for an episode of Black Mirror?
No, no. Mine.
Was I don't fucking steal this big black mirrors.
(23:26):
That's right. I've got the next word after Big
Black Mirror. That's the Patreon.
Yeah, it's a they do in a Did you ever watch Ghost Watch?
Oh, but. No, but no.
What it is Sarah Green and yeah,so ghost watch the the premise
(23:47):
of it is that there's A and Craig Charles as the the the fun
reporter in it as well. So back in the, I think it was
early 90s, there was this show on Halloween on BBC.
It's the most complained about show on the BBC, apparently.
And they've never had it again because they got so many
complaints. And what it was it was done
completely straight, like completely seriously.
(24:07):
Michael Parkinson was back in the studio.
Oh, it were him. It was him off finger off
Fucking what? It was the Parkinson.
I thought it was the crime watchfellow.
What's he called the dad cunt? What?
What was it called Ghost Watch? Ghost Watch.
Oh, I thought he was Parker. Yeah.
Someone like him, but he you know, I can I can see his face.
(24:29):
It might have been Parker. Go on.
So it's it's the most. Haunted house in the UK and
they're on scene investigating it and these two girls and the
mum and they call this ghost pipes because he he rattles the
the pipes all over the house andthey've they've got photos of it
sort of stuff going on and everything and they sort they're
doing it really like ah it CraigCharles is out in the street
(24:50):
talking to the neighbors and everything anyway, as you get
towards the end it they go upstairs and they open one of
the the cupboards and one of thelittle girls is rattling the
pipes and all the cameras are like oh, this is a load of shit
you've you've duped us and all this and they start walking out
and they're like right, that's it that's the show over Sarah
Green's like really sorry this is live TV.
(25:12):
You know how it goes sometimes and then the the screen light
sort of goes fucking weird and then they all start getting like
take like possessed or taken over.
Whoever's the reporter is back in the student it was back in.
Was it Parky? Parky gets possessed.
By the ghost of pipes and startsinterfering with the television
waves and then the screen just fucking goes blank like all
(25:34):
chaos in this house and then it just fucking cuts run credits
and if it was one of them where,because it was like the 90s if
you didn't see it like I went I went to school on the Monday and
I was like, did you watch ghost watch?
I was at my nanas. I was like, did you watch ghost
watch? And everyone, everyone in my
class was like no, and I had to go for like a decade with this
(25:54):
thing in my head. Was it real?
No. Parkinson got possessed at the
end. Everyone's like shut up you
fucking weirdo. Yes, there's no social.
Media back there, that was it, yeah.
And it you can get it on, it's all on YouTube now.
It's well worth a look, right? But it was, it was mental and it
was fucking harrowing. You know we say Sid's.
Parker Afternoon. What happened?
There was nothing. No.
(26:16):
No follow up, like none of the other cast ever spoke about it,
but the BBC were trying to put it under because it got so
complained about. So they were like, right, no
statement, fuck all. So mine is me Black Mirror.
It's a bit shit now, but they'retrying to do like a a fake but
real zombie strike. So what they're doing, all the
(26:37):
the emergency forces in the UK have got select camera crews
with them on Halloween. And we're going round and it's
sort of hints that like, you know, something's happening,
everyone's dressed up and kicking the fuck out of each
other and all this. But then right at the end shit
starts going down and there's actually a zombie apocalypse
happening live. And we're filming it in the UK
(26:58):
and streaming it. So people are getting attacked
and people at home are going like fucking oh, you've got.
A good idea And then at the. End, you know, doing my
o'leary's hosting it and then hegets fucking done over and then
it's just carnage in the streetsand then it's that's Black
Mirror everywhere. That's me.
I like for that I. Like, yeah.
I had one that. I wanted to go Dragonstar, but I
can turn it into Black Mirror episodes where you can program
(27:18):
your dreams. You have like your electrodes on
your head. That's very.
Black man and you type. In a storyline that you can live
to and then people get addicted to it and they don't want to go
to work anymore and they're likenecking sleeping pills and just
typing lots of mad shit on. And they get that depressed, get
that depressed in the real world.
They type, they type, they get so depressed with the the highs
(27:41):
and lows they type in. They want to kill themselves in
the dream and then they wake up and kill themselves.
It's all about live your life, bro.
That's the episode Black River. Live your life bro.
You only Black River stuff Me. Yeah, no.
Anyway. I'm not too sure but I like
(28:07):
zombies and stuff so I like pool.
Maybe zombie, zombie pool? Zombie pool?
Zombie pool tournament Sounds like a Game Boy colour game.
Zombie Pool. Zombie pool.
It was a Chinese writing on the side of it.
It was zombie pills. Shut up.
No. Not not really.
(28:27):
I've only seen it called episodes of last minute as well,
not really the the new. Series is fucking harrowing.
It's like the the Chris O'Dowd episode is, is brutal, yeah.
Like cool tears. Really.
Yeah. Have you?
What's your favorite? Zombie film or Yeah.
Probably 28 days later, belt in.Yeah, have you ever seen Dead
Set, which was written by Charlie Brooker?
(28:48):
Or was that the? Big Brother 1 Big Brother house.
Zombies in a bit. Well, outside the big.
It's a fucking belt of that. Well worth a look mate.
Yeah, there's a low budget. Though it is quite.
Low budget, but they've got enough that it's a good story.
Not Davina, we're calling. It it has.
To get Davina in and the writingis phenomenal.
There's one point producer Patrick gets a mobile phone and
(29:08):
calls it a robots bollock and just sort of flings it like
that's one of my favorite fucking scenes.
Well, yeah, very well, well worth a look, mate.
I'll. Have a go of that one and all
all. The the cast and crew in the Big
Brother house don't know what's happened outside.
Yeah, it's like. Do you see The Walking Dead?
Obviously yes. Well I thought after the first
one or two series it just went stupid.
(29:28):
I think after re. Was it Reagan?
Yeah, I think it. Was just before that.
I think I just lost just. Lost.
Subtle. But didn't.
Something happen where they had a lot of change of production
staff and produced. I think Frank Darabont was a bit
on strike. Didn't he?
Yeah, he did. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So like there was.
Loads of shit that happened in the background that ended up
ruining it because the the comics were all right.
I really enjoyed the the book ofit.
(29:49):
And that just ended abruptly as well.
Yeah, they were just, he just decided one day he's like,
right, you're fucking done. Yeah.
But he also did a a show that's on Amazon at the minute called
Invincible, which is his take onsuperheroes as well.
Robert Kirkman. And that's well worth a lot.
Yeah, he's fucking belting. Yeah.
I don't really get into any. Of that fantasy stuff for me.
So I'm a big. I'm a big fantasy stuff like
having to that stuff. Yeah.
(30:10):
You like proper. Yeah.
Makes falling Abed and stuff. You're in the main Channel 4.
Yeah. Zombie falling Abed me.
I found a zombie. 6 We put a pound in, and the pain means
(30:31):
what? You quit?
I've got them dead because they killed me.
Yeah. Because Jamie watches
EastEnders. Jamie's big fan of EastEnders,
really, And he watches the old episodes, you know, as well as
the new ones. You know what though?
So since Martin died, I've not been able to send it on Martin.
Fowler, mine's not dead. Yeah.
(30:54):
Yeah. No way, you just spoiled it.
For all of us, catch it up. He died in 1996.
The woman died. Jamie He.
Died in February what happened he died in your life still beam
fell on him oh and and it's it'strapped and it's called pressure
shock it's when you. Get when a car when a car, yeah,
yeah, you can't. You can't reverse.
(31:14):
How can you? Because.
OK, because. All all the toxins flood up to
you. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, and so Stacey, who was
going to die and he saw a new, he saw a new by the end, and
I've not been able to watch it since he's put an.
Apple in his mouth and hold his nose.
(31:35):
An apple. An apple.
From the other one an. Apple From the store come John.
Granny Smith, man. Holding your own.
Nose. No nose.
Oh, you fucking stink. When I worked Tameside radio RIP
(31:55):
it's still going but I'm just I'm not there.
I used to do a show called Wednesday Biscuits that I used
to pre record. I think it was Wednesday. 11
till 1 I loved it. I, I think I wanted to get you
lads on there and I, I just moved so I could, it didn't
work. Anyway, one night they had some
(32:16):
live shows going on and a a couple of the lads who were the
DJs doing the live stuff knew a couple of guys round sort of the
Ashton scene, which is where we,we recorded it and the doorbell
goes. One night it's only me and the
live DJ in the studio. I'm doing my pre record.
So I go and get the door. I open the door.
Who's there? Dirty den?
(32:38):
Oh. Leslie fucking Grantham.
He's at the door and he actuallywent, oh, gorgeous.
And I was like, fuck it, what's going on?
It's a black minute episode. I was in the early. 20s And I
was like, what the fuck are you doing here?
And he's like, oh, I'm here to see.
I think it was Leon or somethinglike that.
One of the guys that was doing the radio show, he's doing panto
(33:00):
in Ashton and he's coming to theradio station to plug it and
then we're going to go for a couple of scoops afterwards
with. The boss, did you ever?
Go over or not? I didn't go, but I really.
Wanted to like, just bang the hand on the door handle and go
remember that that was his dark day.
Was it on the webcams used to bring celebrities?
Yeah, he had a popular. Webcam picked little webcam
(33:21):
court picture, didn't he? Yeah, that's propagating.
Caught that. That's good.
That is. That's good.
That is. Great new webcam.
I love that front page of the Daily Star.
Hutchinson scandal webcam Jamie.Hutchinson, did you?
(33:48):
Miss stand up I I'm. I'm still, I'm still going.
I'm still going. Yeah, I'm not quit.
I did quit. And then I got, I actually got
into writing a little bit while I was sort of finding me.
What's your rates? We're just asking for an
amazing. You pay me in past decent car
but I I found my feet again withwriting really got into the love
(34:10):
of it and then whatever I didn'tsort of pass on are people using
shows I'd I'd keep me eye on andtry out a bit of new stuff and
yet I'm back like I can't yeah, you can't leave this fucking
game can't help. Me can't.
Surely you're fucked. That's it.
Forever. Yeah, but I'm loving it again.
What I've done is I've closed mycircle and I'm just, I'm not
killing myself anymore. I'm not going to the arse end of
(34:31):
the country for fuck all. I'm just doing the ones that I
enjoy and I I love doing. I've got into I'm seeing a
little bit more which I really fucking enjoy now.
Yeah, yeah. And yeah, it's just we're back.
Did you ever? Did you?
Ever get rid of the the studyingat university joke?
Oh, the. People who are scared of what?
Oh, she's so funny. That's a mainstay.
I'll fucking love that. And I've also because me fiance,
(34:53):
Allison, she sends a look, by the way.
Oh yeah, Allison, she just love a comic.
She's a great comic, hey. Jess, she, we go over to the
Canada like sort of every year and she started getting me gigs
out there now as well. So it's like really interesting
learning what works over there in your material compared to,
you know, they've never heard ofthe Chuckle Brothers.
Are you fucking kidding me? So I have to go over every year
(35:16):
and school. Them.
It's sort of like our Michael Beamley.
You're also the owner of a fantastic ass.
Thank you. Mate.
Oh. Mate, best ass in stand up
breath. What mate?
Have you seen his ass? No, have you not seen his ass
lad. Again, Patreon.
(35:39):
Inside about. 3 LB of off get out me on the Tony.
Carroll carpet and I'll dream because he.
Knows he knows it's responsible for loads of viral pictures that
you think it means and it's actually Danny.
It's just me bum the Nancy's been that was him.
Oh yeah. The nonsense.
Every Christmas he's been with nonsense outside the that's
(36:00):
that's. Him, the Penguin skeleton.
Oh shit. That was you that.
Was you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Twerk. What was?
Work that was. When my, that was one of my
finest moments, right? I, I just got into the office.
It was like 5:00 to 9:00 in the morning and I, I just don't
(36:20):
start work immediately looked atmy phone and Miley Cyrus twerked
at Robin Thicke. Is it?
Oh yeah, yeah. The blurred lines at the VMA
awards or whatever. And yeah, this words work.
So I very quickly it's work dictionary types of dictionary
definition place where, you know, a sexually suggestive move
(36:40):
using the bum and hips against someone to a place where
Yorkshiremen go to earn a living.
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and it and my phone was just going work, work, work,
work. And then it got nicked for all
these. Banter pages.
Yeah. And then Bob?
Mortimer retweeted it, but not from my account.
And then the. Rest of the day my phone was
just going I've just tweeted BobMortimer so let him know that it
(37:01):
was yours and then I got a couple of my apologies from big
accounts where they're going. So sorry, didn't realise we may
just sent the e-mail. Yeah, and it was just when, then
where like and then I want about5:00 in the afternoon Bob,
eventually. Corrected it, yeah.
Which I was made-up with, you know what I mean?
I love, fucking love that guy. I think he's the most.
Loved person in the country. He's a, he's a national.
(37:22):
Treasure. He's the next.
Attenborough isn't it once Attenborough and he should do
the he should do the docs after Attenborough dies.
That'd be Bob Mormon. Yeah, that'd be amazing.
He's a fucking but I don't think.
He's that ass though, is he? No, but he's.
Just everyone loves him man. Did you ever?
Watch so. Universally.
Loved it, must be great. Did you ever watch a show?
Called Directors Commentary withRob Brydon.
(37:42):
It was Rob Brydon's really earlyvehicles on ITV, and it was him
as a piece of De Lane, famous director.
And he'd just show old episodes of stuff like Bonanza, you know,
the old cowboy show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And at one point this is what itwas like.
So this is what he just remindedme of because Bob would be very
much like this. All the guys riding in on horses
and then this one guy comes in at the end just on his own horse
(38:03):
and he goes there he is big GaryJamieson there riding on a on a
camel. So well done wardrobe, you know,
but like the planes of like, youknow, like sort of anyway, you
know, desert and all this and like we're actually filming this
in Wigan. But back to your arse.
(38:24):
Thanks mate. That's what the biography's
going to be, because he's got no.
Dimples or anything, or I've seen a fleshy.
Another guy where's the Granthamtold me that's why he was
sucking. Finger.
(38:46):
Gorgeous. He put a picture of on Facebook
in bulk, naked on his shed with a Santa.
Did you come on then, big man? Yeah.
Have you seen Miami? With the Wrecking Ball, No.
Oh mate, man's funny. I'll see.
I'll see if I can get it up. If we can get up, I'll put it
(39:07):
into the please put it. In put it to.
Miley Cyrus on a Wrecking Ball and and it's just my face on it.
Put it on her body mate. It's fucking honestly, it's one
of the best things ever seen my mate.
So my mates just put my face on things and send me up all day
every day. Like I've just got one of them.
Heads haven't I and go on anything honestly mate, I don't
(39:29):
group chats. I must get four or five memes a
day and it's it's it is funny. Do you know what you just.
Reminded me last night I was what?
I don't know what happened on the algos, but the Ian Lee
ringing radio show, Bob Mortimerphoned in one day just as Brian
from the North East and he's like, oh, I've got this thing to
to send you. It's a video of me, me nephew.
(39:51):
It's called fast running. And he's like, right, OK, but he
never lets on that it's Bob that's the thing.
And we're going around the houses with it.
And he ends up sending him the video and he's like, but Bob, I
couldn't see his face is in a balaclava.
And it is, I think it's just Bobjust on the kids sports field
running really slowly. And then they've got all these
Flash intros and it's fast running, sports entertainment,
(40:14):
fast running. And he goes, Why did you?
Why? Did you cover up his face?
Probably go well. He's only young and.
I I put. Some Facebook pictures up of his
14th birthday and one of the lads got hold of it and
photoshopped. You know those beastiality
websites? Ian, he goes, he photoshopped
(40:36):
the lads face onto a monkey witha tuba Lube.
So we've got a key. It's fucking bizarre.
What's that called? It's.
Bob, Bob Mortimer, Ian Lee on YouTube and it's one of the
first things that will come up fast.
Bob Mortimer, fast running. Oh, so good.
I love all that shit, man. I love the the brass eye one to
(41:00):
know where you get all the like better man into and topedo
campaign. I'm Richard Blackwood's I Oh,
there's fumes for the keyboard man, because they go and they
actually have they can send themes that come through the
keyboard that knock the kids out.
So if you can just say that, Oh,you're feeling like edit rich
man was like, oh, I'm feeling. Suggestible just from being
(41:23):
nervous. And that was, I'm talking
nonsense. That's what it was.
So. Fun.
When was last time? When gig done.
The other week I was at least. Yeah, fine.
Oh, was he all sick? Yeah.
Getting. There, they've got.
Early shows. Now they've got an early show on
a Late Show. Oh, nice.
So it's yeah, double for you sat.
There's a pie minister fucking next door.
Come on. You know what I had?
(41:44):
Such a bad gig there one night that there's a Five guy, there's
a Prime Minister one side of Five Guys next door, and I, my
entire set, I was counting down how long it'd be until I was in
Five Guys Next. That's another one bombed 7
minutes now. I've seen that before where I'm
like, especially if you're closing and you're like fucking
I'll expect not overrun, man. I want to make that fucking
(42:06):
cutter don't check in where Indians close.
I was at a show one night and suddenly it's the Davy Johns and
Davy was closing and the the runner come over to us.
I think I'd just been on and he goes right, Davy, we're just
finishing this break up. Last couple of people at the
bar. I think we're all set.
He's like, I know you're scheduled to do 20, but listen,
(42:29):
if you're having fun 2530, whatever you want, just have fun
with it. And you're like, all right,
thanks son. And kid walks away and Davy just
leaned in and went fucking 20. I love are.
You at, at certain points like what you're on stand up.
You do like the extra bit of time, don't you?
Yeah. But when you just board, when
(42:50):
you do 4 gigs a week and sort ofyou get that 4th gig and they
say 20 minutes. So you do half an hour, you
don't, you're like, yeah, no, I'm doing sweaty.
I think that's the sign. That you're being sweaty.
Yeah, yeah, it's come. It's come now, Yeah, the emails
now. It's like fucking closing sets.
Half an hour. I've shared a. 35 minutes.
They come off 2 on Sunday. The attention.
Span in there. She's jingling keys 15 minutes
(43:12):
in, aren't You know what I mean?Yeah.
Yeah. The kids don't want it.
I am on a Saturday, it's MC3 fifteens bang lad, it's so easy.
Lad, it's my dream. Yeah, it's easy.
It's easy for. You it's lovely for them, yeah,
yeah. You know, it's just, yeah,
anything shorter or longer, I think that's.
Why it's so successful as well? Because it just sticks the guns
I don't like and you get you gota bollock.
(43:33):
And if you go over here, I mean for me and Jamie.
I've not just got we know what you're.
Going to do, just give it. Yeah, I've not done 15 since I
was doing gong shows. Fucking tagged me off this
state. Who was it that's famous for
going over Patrick Monahan? Yeah, I've got a bit of his
gene, Basnet. Told me a brilliant story once
(43:55):
he said, right, He said Patrick was opening this one gig and
closing up the other and vice versa.
So time's needed to be tight. So he said, I'm trying to
explain this to Patrick and said, right, 20 minutes, you're
off stage, you're in the car andyou you're doing the other gig.
He's like, where do you want your light?
And Patrick goes, give me a light at 5 and I'll start
wrapping up. I did, I did a gig of him,
(44:18):
Monson, Hartlepool, something like a pub gig and stuff and he
he got flashed and he'd only just finished hugging the crowd.
You hadn't hugged every person inside and he got.
Flashed when he just gone. Yeah, it was.
It was Castle. He kills it.
See. You know?
I know. Yeah.
Actually a long time ago, though.
Yeah, I've got to. Tell you this, I did a gig in me
in D town the other week in Drowsde.
(44:41):
It's called the jam works. Oh my God.
It's roughly. Do you know what?
I thought it was because I've I've tried to do shows in
Droylsden before and they didn'twant it.
There's something about that ourarea where they just don't want
it. There's only the best.
As well, I think. Yeah, they.
Just they'll, they'll fucking have you.
They smell blood immediately. Like, right, fucking go on then.
But this one was completely different.
(45:02):
And apparently the way this pub came about was there's a place
down the road called The Lazy Toad and the the guy that runs
the jam works. Darren got bad from the Lazy
Toad. What he got bad.
From the lazy toad, bad From thelazy toad way.
Yeah, bad Lazy toad. You'd get bad just like you'd
get bad for, like, fucking infringing the copyright.
The frog outside, we get bad. You've come dressed as this
(45:27):
frog, you're taking a piss. You go bad for a week, you big
lazy toad. Open spot Shannon put you on.
What am I going to you today? What am I going to you today?
Come after me. Fucking.
Sight in there for the yeah. Now I.
Don't like pool like a frog He. Used the one I told you about
(45:50):
but I used to go in the lazy told when I was like 1819.
He used to get used to give you sentences like you go you would
because I had been sick on my shoes.
Again, he's like that second offense.
When he tell the story goes, I was like, we had a book, yeah.
I'd like a little book. He was the knobhead.
(46:11):
Yeah. He used to stand that, you stand
that and like seals coming in from another pub.
Is that a late license? And you'd go Nope, you still got
a week to serve. You thought he was fucking?
Tony so proud. I know he's.
Unbelievable with a lazy. Toad Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, so Darren gets bad and then about a week later word
gets round that goes if if he's going to come in and apologise,
then I'll let him back in. So he goes to go in the Dorman
(46:34):
goes to stop him and he's like, listen, I'm fucking I'm trying
it. So they let him in and he goes
in and it's like literally, you know, record scratch your pub
goes quiet. Someone just like cleaning the
grass like that. And he goes here to apologise
and goes no you fat cunt, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to open 2 bars down the fucking road and I'm going
(46:57):
to shut you down you fucking asshole Mark Myers.
And then walks out anyway. 4 month later, buys 2 fucking
bars, 5 minutes spitting distance from the fucking place.
One called the Jam works, one called the Snug.
They're thriving. They've got a brilliant comedy
night. Fucking packed every night,
Friday and Saturdays. Fucking can't get in, lazy toad.
He's just cleaning his glass on his own now.
(47:19):
Oh, empty, empty book, because nobody comes in, all right.
You're not bad anymore. Come back in, you'll be getting
a call when I was just. Saying get a dear.
Come on. Like, come on, Jamie.
Lad, he sends us over lads, but this is the best.
Of it so I'm me dad's telling meall this the day I'm about to to
go and do the gig. Are you running are?
(47:39):
You like comparing it? No, no.
I. Was I was told, you know what I
applied like because I just wanted to see what was going to
be high because it sounded lovely.
That's where you're promised. As well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So and a couple of me mates from
school came in and and it was really over to see him.
So anyway, I was just about to go and do the gig.
I dropped me dog off at me mum and dad's obviously it's me
baby. I'm like, right, I'm going to go
(47:59):
and do the show and my dad goes just so you know, Darren, you
know I was telling you about. So I used to work with him on
the tools. I was training him as a plumber.
Just say, you know, if he comes home and says are you Roy's lad?
Or if you know, if you let on say I'm Roy's lad and say, Oh
no, he used to work with you. He always said you were a
useless cunt like and I'm like, I'll get him, don't worry dad
and all this. I'm stood at the bar waiting to
(48:21):
go on and this bloke sort of goes to move around, man, big
fella. And then the light from behind
me just disappears. He's that big.
That giant haste fucking stunning front of me.
When are you Rosa? Oh fuck, he always said you were
(48:45):
a useless colour. I'm not Darren.
What was it? Was it busy as well?
Yeah, fucking hammered. Mate, was it?
Yeah. Brilliant.
Yeah, it was on. Everyone knew it was Matt.
A fellow from round here, a fellow from Liverpool.
(49:06):
Matt. I can't remember his second
name, Jones. Matt Jones, he's got like a you
can put your hand print on his belly.
Oh, maybe. Saying that, I mean, lads, look
us. But I'm pretty honest.
But it's got like a dead red belly.
Ohk. OK.
And you can like it's got like amagic bell.
Not Jones, not a magic Bella, but Jones got a magic bell.
(49:30):
You need to do a book of anatomy.
Danny Suckliff's ass. You're Matt Jones, Belly,
probably. Book a few years in and you just
spread the stream. He's got to get in the circle
now he's got a. Magic belly, I swear to God,
watch. This upper bike isn't that gotta
go out that much. Jones, he's got a magic.
No, he's got a connector. Sketch.
Belly. Matt Jones.
Hasn't got a magic belly. Has I've signed it?
(49:54):
Yeah. You do that.
And you see it for a minute and then it goes.
I connect your sketch thing. Why you go like?
That, yeah. You're one of the red bellies.
Magic red belly out, you thought.
David Blaine. Was good, you just.
(50:18):
Fucking triggered a memory in me.
I don't know if this is true, like, but I'm pretty sure Jack
that was in the crowd. And this is so funny, lad.
Is it true? Yeah.
Oh, my God. I'll.
I'll give you the floor. This is one of the best stories
I've ever heard. Thank you for reminding.
I. Did forget about it.
I did write down a couple of stories that wasn't on the list
(50:39):
that I wanted to tell you today.Was this on the list?
What's happened here So. Have you heard of a show called
Britain's Got Talent? Yes, right.
My mate gets in touch with me and he's sort of a Booker for
it. And it goes with this is open
auditions, Danny. But we've got this mechanical
token and there's a couple of comics vying for it.
(51:00):
But what we want to do is we're going to have this two can on
stage and we're going to have him doing stand up like.
A bird, Yeah. Just this colourful.
Bird on a. Perch.
Perch is about this big, but a guy has got a remote control.
Alan, He's backstage, he's got this remote control stand up.
It's. Just a bird doing stand up.
So like this sounds interesting.He's like, it might go nowhere.
(51:21):
It might be fun. Do you fancy writing some jokes
for it? So got a couple of, you know,
toucan based articles up on me think and started writing a
couple of wrote, wrote 5 minutesfor this fucking toucan sent it
over and the next day he went, you're in, he went you, you've
got it. Do you want to do it?
So we went and had a meeting. I met the bird.
(51:41):
I met the toucan. Don't say you got the same
artistic which at. 1st we call it Tony and then yeah, it was
like Tony the token. And he's like, no, I think we're
going to go for Terry. The developers, producers didn't
like Tony. I'm like, well, I'm the writing
for Tony anyway. Anyway, it ended up being Tony
(52:02):
the token. I fought tooth and nail.
All things just die on so all these.
Jokes are getting pitched and coming back and then, you know,
the same 10 minutes that we write comes back the next day of
like, no, you need to chase things.
So there's a bit of going back and forward.
What they really liked eventually was us roasting the
judges and like going they're like really go for Amanda.
(52:24):
Like we found everyone in the producers room was like, go for
Amanda. So I'm like, right, OK.
So we we base the set around that.
We get to the Lowry at Salford Quays where they were, they were
filming it and I felt really sorry for Alan 'cause he's a
bloke in his late 50s and like all the production crew were
trying to, I didn't, I need to be there at this point.
I'm, I'm just, you know, the voice.
(52:46):
But he does the mechanical stuffand they're like trying to, he's
lying down under a bench trying to hold this toucan up at
Salford Keys and they're trying to get the water in and all
that. I'm like, he's in his 50s.
We've not had dinner like letting but he's like oh you
know, look at fucking all this shit.
Anyway, we do the fake signing in and all that and everything
and then they sat us in this room with like other contestants
(53:11):
and I, I'd not had any dinner bythis point.
We've been there about 6 hours and they sat us next to this old
bloke who was like AI think he played piece of paper or
something. You know what these fucking
weird. You know what?
I mean, yeah, well, you playing?Pal paper you.
(53:31):
He was dressed like the Artful Dodger in his 60s, you know what
I mean? And he was a cockney bloke and
they put, and then this woman with a whip, she was dressed as
like a Mortal Kombat cats and she whipped things.
That was her. So it's the toucan, artful
Dodger and whip lady. And we're supposed to be having
banter. So I'm stood just out of a shot.
I'm miked up and everything forgot I was miked up by the
(53:53):
way. So we're supposed to be having
this top conversation and he turns to the toucan and he goes,
how do you get here? And I went, oh, in an Uber.
He goes an Uber, sort of mugs atthe camera and I'm stood next to
and I'm like, for fuck's sake, Idon't think this is going to
fucking work. You know, I'm not.
I've had enough of this already,Alan.
And then I. Just get a tap on my shoulder
(54:13):
from one of the producers going.You're still miked.
Do you want a cup of tea? I fucking love it.
Pulled us out of that. Anyway, we've got like 4 hours
to go. We end up fucking about.
We're backstage, right? And this is, this is the big
bit. So they built a wooden box for
(54:34):
the toucan to to be revealed from.
And this was a really bizarre moment.
I'm stood next to Anne from Anneand Deck.
I'm helping him put the box up for this toucan.
And I went, you know what, mate?Just just watch your fingers
when you lift this. It's got a lip and it'll, it
caught me already. And he just went, yeah.
And I'm like, you know what? Have a fucking drink or
(54:56):
something, you miserable little prick.
Fucking come at me. It's been a long day, Ant.
Where's Dec? He's nice.
Anyway, I got him in a tweet later.
Did you see that one? And it was Ant's head under a
microscope. And I thought they'll show you
that. Went by anyway I'm.
Digressing. So this toucan's in the box,
we're ready to go right? We're in the wings.
(55:17):
I'm I'm stood backstage. I've got a little camera so I
can see the judges, but they can't see me.
I'm miked up. Alan's next to me with the
controls. We're ready to fucking go right?
It's Showtime. So box falls open and what they
said was they're going to talk to you first.
So don't say anything. Wait for them to go.
(55:39):
Hello there. They didn't fucking do that.
So I'm just like, hello. And they're like, hello, yes,
you can start if you want. I'm like, oh, don't you try and
fucking trip me up. I'm in a mobile too.
Alan's fucking working here. Come on.
So I just start. I'm like, hello, Alicia.
(56:00):
Oh, no. So hello, Simon.
I'm from the Caribbean, where all your money lives.
And he's like, all right. I said, hello, Alicia.
I loved you in the sugar babes. And she goes, push the button.
And I went, oh, I hope you don't.
She doesn't get it. She she's not really.
She doesn't know what's going onhalf the time.
Bless her, she's happy to be outof the house thick as fuck.
(56:25):
I said. Hello David Williams, I've got
all your books and DVDs from thePound shop.
Hello Amanda. Me and you have got a lot in
common. I get mistaken for a parrot
quite a lot and I believe you get mistaken for Holly
Willoughby quite a lot. But then again, Holly wouldn't
(56:45):
be in a Wetherspoons at 3:00 on a Tuesday afternoon, would she?
Amanda, These veins just appear and she just saw she's actually
slight turns to relation, goes fuck and then just goes and it
is so loud lads, I can't tell you how fucking loud it.
(57:07):
They do it on purpose apparently, because I've seen
Axe go. Like that?
Yeah. After it, you shake you.
It's really. Unnerve you.
That's when I but me mate told me he's like keep going.
If you get buzz, just keep going.
Don't worry about it. So I did a couple more gags at
least at one point I actually did some material and at least
he's like, I don't get that one.I'm like, well, you wouldn't,
would you? I'm coming across the sag.
(57:28):
I'm getting annoyed. On that street.
Forgetting I'm a tuka. Fuck off.
You, don't you? Fucking start, Alan can't.
Keep up with controls. Mystique my shit.
I'll tell you fucking what. So eventually David can tell I'm
(57:50):
bombing, and he actually gives me a grace I like a graceful
death. Like he presses the thing and
then Amanda pushes at least his fucking buzzer.
Like she's sick of me by now. She's like just sort of she's
still fuming from the very first.
I think we had a couple more digs at Amanda, but like, I'm
team Les Dennis anyway. But like she was just, she sat
there just like that. And it's the end of the day.
(58:11):
Everyone's tired and we get to the judge's deliberations.
I got I got 4 red buzzers. What are the crowd?
Like. At first they were on side, and
then the minute Amanda turned onme, they were like, oh, and they
became like a Jerry Springer crowd.
And I'm like, don't you fucking turn.
Listen to the accent. Listen to words.
(58:32):
We're supposed to. Be together knocking that
fellow's paper. You can fuck off at all.
Plain paper. I'm a 2.
So the maddest thing about this is Simon Cowell was loving it,
right? His shoulders are going because
(58:53):
I think, I don't think he likes Amanda.
So he's like, listen, it was very funny, but I just, I don't
think it was your day, you know?And then David was like, well,
you're the funniest 2 can we've ever had.
I'm like, shut the fuck up, Alicia.
Again, I didn't really get it. I'm like, we know.
We fucking know. And then we cut to a they'd
(59:16):
saved Amanda for last and she she's still seething and she
goes listen to a mechanical token.
Amanda Norton goes listen to a robot token on stage.
She goes, I'm going to go back to one of my many properties
tonight and not care about anything you've said.
(59:39):
And this is where they cut me, mic, because I just went, how
many caravans are we talking about you?
Should have left that in and it.I just, he just went.
They're like you. You're done.
You're done. Wow.
Because I was waiting for his because I went to go and you've
and like, he just went. Cut his fucking mic.
(01:00:00):
Yeah, you're out. Come on.
And then the next thing I know, we're in the car park and I'm
still talking to my mate and he's like, we had to go.
And Alan's like, I don't know what happened.
Everyone was dead. Positive in the auditions like
in a production stuff, everyone was dead.
Lovely. What happened?
And I was just, I ended up saying it's going, it's
Chinatown, Alan, forget about. That's amazing.
(01:00:26):
Though never gonna hit, Never heard, never heard.
So funny you died. On your houses too.
And she's definitely. Said after that though, if you
wear that off, yeah, yeah, definitely whatever.
And then sat. Having a beer with me, mate,
like so because we sat in silence for like 10 minutes and
just showed the first ones, you know, you throw them back Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And we started laughing and then
(01:00:46):
me phone goes and it's Jack Goddard going.
Were you just the voice of a robot parrot on Britain's Got A?
Message where you had I'm sure I'm sure fucking just got
Britain's Got Talent. I'm gonna put him down to
Britain's Got Talent. Like when No, that was a parrot
went Oh yeah, of. Course, now you say that, but
the way he said. It I thought you were like the
(01:01:08):
eventually dressed up what? Do you think about that, uncle?
Peter. Oh, I wanna wait to finish the
Blondies. Fucking hell, that's one of the
stories I've had in a while. So good.
Mate, so boy, yeah, you bet you triggered it with magic.
I was like fucking a good job with that thank.
(01:01:29):
You for being a classmate. Oh no.
So thank you very much for calling me.
Do you wanna give another shout out for the film as well to get
everyone to go watch it 'cause I'm gonna be watching that?
Definitely 100% yes please if you get.
Chance Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball or mostly Amazon prime?
Sorry, sorry, I've been looking at I'm I'm you can sound cock.
I can't. No.
It'll marry Mr. Doom behind the 8 ball.
(01:01:51):
Just have a Google of it. Please.
Give it a watch. I hope you enjoy it.
It's really funny and I'm dead proud of it.
Yeah, well, thank you lads. I've watched the.
Sutcliffe Report. Oh yeah.
Fuck yeah all. Right that's it love you and
leave here. Come inside to Patreon.
Just £3 a month. You get 2 bonus episodes a week
and you hope to keep us in clothes and beer.
Love you lots. Thank you very.
Much goodbye now.
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