#189 - With Matt Richardson - Hot Water’s Green Room w/Tony & Jamie - Hot Water’s Green Room Podcast

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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Let's get into the episode. The old version of that, when

(01:39):
people used to brag about it at clubs, is when the ACT would
tell the audience how much they were getting paid.
I'm getting £250 for this. You'd be like that.
You've done mate, you can't. There's no coming back at all.
Money's in my pocket, baby. You can't cash your, you can't
cash your. What offline for the 250?
Yeah, maybe 20 years ago that was worth it.

(02:00):
Not now. It's gonna fuck a loaf of bread
and it's like, oh. It's grooming it.
Oh fucking that was what? Was the best even though it was
playful. In our live show, we got him on
and he's. Army, he was like, he was there
last week on it. Yeah, I love it.
He was so. Funny, he was so laughing about
it. Who's?
This Carl Lutchinson. Oh yeah, yeah, he's on the live
show. Even even on our audience live

(02:20):
show, they don't really take to us and it's our fucking show
sometimes. It's just weird and it's
horrible that, and I'll tell thestory about him, one kind of
hotel or something, but it was just he could just tell.
He could tell he had the idea and Z but obviously fought to
the end. Of yes, someone echoed.
And they're boring and car went no, just just you wait, just you

(02:40):
wait gets and he starts to he goes, he goes back into the
story and you know when you're next to someone, I thought I can
feel the wheels coming off the anecdote.
I can feel the wheels coming off.
And then he finished it. He went.
So I just had a wank and this guy just went so boring.
We say though, like he laughed. We all laughed at it.

(03:01):
Something. It's a classic laugh.
I remember years ago I used to like when I first I've tried
doing a tour in two halves rightyears ages ago and I died on my
fucking hole for the first half.Came back like sat in the green
room alone. Came back you.
Got a 30 minute breaker? Yeah.
Like 30, like 40 minutes break, 40 minutes or whatever, and I
came back on and died for the second-half and halfway.

(03:23):
Through I just say this a ball. No, no, it was.
I carried on dying in 20 minutesin I went, I don't know why you
all came back and then just carried on, right, Just like
lost it a bit and at the end I was in the sort of 48 and a
bloke went we should have left in the interval.
Fuck. Fuck it though.
That was a source that was. A and it sold out like weeks

(03:45):
ahead as well. Yeah like 1 where I was going.
Oh, this will be good because they've all bought tickets way
in advance. No, they fucking hate.
Where was it in the country? Nottingham Playhouse Studio.
Yeah, that so. 13th of September2013.
I fucking remember it. It was horrendous.
Yeah. So I always think with your tour
shows, you wander up, aren't youreally?
Pretty much. Yeah, but you're not though,

(04:05):
always especially like the toursI like, especially when people
go, you know, when you go somewhere, you go, they've
clearly come because they come to whatever.
Yeah, they support the venue. Yeah, not you.
I've had loads of those. And also cause I've done loads
of fucking random shit telly. Yeah, people come going.
Oh, I've seen him interview the Backstreet Boys.
I'll go to that. And then they it's just me, air
pumping cock on stage and I'm just not for them.

(04:29):
Are we on the side? Yeah, yeah, keep yeah, yeah.
Keep the Carl slandering as well.
Keep the Carl slandering, lovelyboy.
He won't mind that being out. Yeah, you said you should tell
you as well, wasn't? It Oh mate, I've done
everything. Shit like celebrity coach trip,
dancing on ice. Celebrity coach trip.
Yeah, I made AI made a documentary about millionaire

(04:50):
dogs once. I don't care.
I'll do it. I'll do the audio book for mine
camp. I just want to get paid.
All these comedians with their morals, you know I can't do that
because they support Israel. Give me the.
Show me the money, Show me the money.
You dig that, you dig down in any company.
Do you know what I mean? If they're paying 10 grand for a
voice over they have to be dodgyand some.
Everything is. I mean, I'd die.

(05:11):
I'd die on my ass. And a corporate gig for, for for
four figures. Yeah, you.
They would you die on my you. Gotta say 400 there 4 figures
we've. All died on our ass for a lot of
fucking less. Exactly, Yeah.
So yeah, it's that like I do some stuff with Sky Vegas and
loads of people got in touch with me being like, it's
discussing you working with a gambling company and I'm like,

(05:33):
I've got a new car. Yeah, yeah.
I couldn't care less. And also like, I, I gamble like
who cares? I mean it like I might as well
do the other side. Yeah, because you've had a few,
you've had dodgy companies to have any really.
I got it was a big one like that.
You couldn't say they're not. Companies, but more like, you
know, these online tipsters and that.
Have you been offered work with them?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you, you're a big.

(05:55):
Gambler. Aren't you a massive gambler?
Yeah, so when they when they like, you know, tip for
Cheltenham, like you say, you pay £30 for the week and you get
all our tips in the in the telegram and they want me to I'm
like I'm not paying someone to someone else to back.
Do you know what I mean? It's.
Rubbish. As well.
I have a lose on me. Oh yeah, so much it.
If like people who like it because these people who worship
you because you have got a cult and they signed up because

(06:17):
Jamie's in this telegram group and and then he gets non right,
like it's all his half on you and it's.
Not when that you know that Hock2 girl did a fucking toy to be
in Cleveland lost millions like all these all of her fans.
But who's taking financial? Advice off here?
Yeah. Off a woman who was stopped in
the street and said she spits ona Dick.
Why? Well, sorry, Why can't the kids

(06:37):
go to university? It's your girl who said she
spits on Dick. Yeah, I've lost everything in
her. I just put the college fund into
her coin. It felt like a really sound.
Jamie Hutchinson told me to. Do it.
So let's go for it. Hutchinson meme coins basic.
You must have been offered that.I don't even know.
What we need to do that you should do you.

(06:57):
Should do your own before. Ends before ends.
Promise me, can we just fucking rob everyone?
Why wouldn't, yeah, just fuckingrinse rinse everyone before we
go? And just we need to work.
Out the intelligence level of your audience like if you go.
Listen, we're getting everything, mates, We're getting
everyone. Dead meat, dead men talking.
They should do a meme coin. Yeah yeah, a load of in sales

(07:18):
with money. They'll fucking like a proper
calls. Yeah, they are.
Yeah, when we, when I did their festival last year was like,
it's just a load of men who've come cosplayed as Freddie Quinn.
Yeah, a lot of the women were aswell.
Fucking right. But you know what the The sexual
assaults went down in Manchesterthat day because they're all in
place, making each other off. And no one yet no report did.

(07:40):
You have the guy in the Lost Prophets T-shirt in your show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on 1st on this day and he
literally as I was on unzipped his hoodie.
That's that's that's a nonce thing in it a zipped up hoodie,
but he unzipped it and then opened it up to like reveal and
you're like. Oh, that was the scene.
That was the thought. He's like a school shooter, you
know what I mean? Like.
Yeah, but I mean, that's the audience.
Definitely a few school shootersin there.

(08:01):
But you did it on a. Great day though.
You're a lovely day and also real good laugh as the school
shooter types, aren't they? Oh yeah.
I got fucking heralded like a fucking hero when I did it, like
carried out on the fucking streets of Manchester.
Do you ever meet your fans and you're like this, this, this,
I've done it before. I've gone, oh, this is my, this
is who I appeal to. Fuck it.

(08:23):
Hell, I thought I'd imagine you get a lot of mums and stuff.
Some a bit, not so much anymore like to begin with, but now it's
like, because I've done a lot oflike Channel 5 shows and things.
I remember I had a girl who was a big fan and she used to like
show up when I was doing big. I used to stand up on Big
Brother's bit on the side and she'd show up every week.
She'd be like, I saw in an interview that you said you wear
this aftershave. So I've bought it and sprayed it

(08:44):
on my pillows. And then she stopped showing up.
And the woman who dealt with theaudience, there she went.
You know where she's gone and her and her mum went to prison
for attempted murder. This is the level of fat.
This is the level of person theywere.
They poisoned her dad's cherry Lambrini.
That that that is the level of. Person stinks, that stinks.

(09:05):
A wig at that fucking. Wig No wonder my tours don't do
well. None of got any money.
Yeah, fucking hell. That's just why I love.
And he freezing the cherry lambrini and he didn't notice.
That's horrific. Scum.
That is scummy, isn't it? Yeah, something to.
Have you have you had any more encounters with like baby like
this? No, not really.

(09:26):
I did have a guy who used to tryand buy my socks for 10 grand
and I never did grand. 10 fucking grand.
And then he piped back up about 6 months ago and offered me £150
and I was like that's, that's was you.
Everything about what your Curryscore is doesn't.
Yeah. Sock coin.
No way. 10 grand. Why did you say no?
Because if things were going well at the time, but, you know,
hindsight's 2020 isn't it? I know, but even.

(09:48):
Thought the good times would carry on.
I don't know how rich I'd be to turn down 10 grand for my socks.
You wouldn't even have to send yours, you just get to buy some
socks. Yeah, it was a stupid move.
Yeah, how? Stupidity.
Are you for that? I really want to get in time and
I need I need one rich freak. You said that you will get
messages now, yeah. Yeah, but Rich though.

(10:08):
Like rich. Like Yacht Rich, Yeah.
Don't want like, you know, I mean, I love my fans, obviously.
I'm so grateful I do on these now for four 404 figures 4.
I love that to go on some drop page man.
Was like, doesn't Freddie get a load of coats now 'cause he
mentioned coats once you just. Want yeah, I I absolutely just

(10:29):
see every every time he puts a suite up or something on a bit
coat Instagram just coats coats coats like you get on I hate
that you. Know we get on ours, yeah.
All are you sold are covered in cold comments.
Every podcast in the Northwest just has coat.
Underwear 'cause this is like the off menu of the Northwest,
isn't it? Really.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the highbrow 1.
Yeah, yeah, very much. We're like the rest.
We're like the rest is politics.We're.
The. We're the realist of the game.

(10:51):
That's what we are saying how itis.
We don't give a fuck. I love it mate.
Well, like, I mean I thought Dead Men was the rest is
politics, but it's just very right wing.
Oh yeah, that well hey Israel and thingy others fucking
packing in I. Should have been stopped
packing. They just showed the video.
She'd go back it in packing. And you know what?
Listen to these two hey. Come on, sorry, start the one of

(11:15):
the ayatollahs being like, well,I'm on the patriots.
So. They should probably pack it in.
Why? Didn't we stop with the World
War? Just go pack it.
Do you think we should pack it in?
Don't say anything. Of course.
Well, if you think about it, I just, I was thinking about like

(11:36):
a thing today because obviously it's all over your Twitter and
the news about World War Three may be coming.
And I was thinking if we do haveto go into World War and the
country starts, you know, recruiting.
We'd be exempt. We'd be exempt.
Why? Because we're podcasters.
No, no, we're going to be like, we're going to be like Vera Lynn

(11:57):
of World War Three. We'll do a live show in the
trenches in Kiev. Christmas Day, they're all
huddled round a radio. No man's love.
You got fatty, you should be with us.
You doing adverts for fucking ammunition on the podcast?
The green room needs you, yeah. Yeah, put on.

(12:21):
Turn the radio on, lads. Green rooms on.
Come on be. Exempt So all this, all this,
all this of my life abusing my body has been really
preparation. Yeah, well, I think we're too
old now. How old are you?
33. Yeah, we're too old.
It's they start 18 to 25. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They get the Youngs in first. Fucking get rid of the Gen.
Z's. They will just do it, Yeah, they
don't do all that. Yeah, like men, get ready.
I'm not binary, actually. That's the problem with that

(12:43):
generation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's a micro aggression. 5018 to 25 you know, get done
in. Then they start going up and up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we're in second.
Well, I think they go up the ages because like, so we're too
old for the first lot though. But what second we've?
Yeah, potentially, yeah, but I but I wouldn't be, I could just.
Couldn't but everyone say like though.

(13:03):
But everyone in the field I've got the best stuff.
Itching. The sort.
Of everyone in the first Scott, I'd love to go to the chances
for the boys, but my social battery.
I'm actually burnt out. Excuse me Sergeant, any chance I
could have a mental health day please?
Great, great. Where are they?

(13:26):
They've all got ADHD. They're meant to be on the
watch, but actually they're. On the TikTok dancers I think.
It'd be good to go to the trenches, but if Kiev or.
If we go to war, you know there will be TikTok dancers on the
frontline. Yeah, of course they will of.
Course they will. Yeah, well, I've done.
I've done it. I know I've.
Done a TikTok dancer on the frontline.
No, I've been to war. Yeah, I've survived the
trenches. Which trenches?

(13:48):
On this podcast called Boring History, you play it.
I mean, you fall asleep to, like, living your life in the
trenches. Oh.
Have you done a? Wall by the end of it what?
What do you mean? Like, so they tell you what
you're you're a man. Yeah.
Yeah, you're like, oh, and you've got a hole in your sock
and that, and you're like, isn't.
It meant to be boring though thetrenches sounds like quite spicy
to fall. Asleep you got a hole you sock

(14:09):
that was just your mum's it's. Like you can sell it for 10?
Grands, there's like a there's aright at the end of the bed.
I went. This is just like being back in
being mums piece of business. I think.
I think war would be good. Like I went to a banging stag do
in Kiev once, so pitchything. It was a while it was.
When it was normal, yeah. Yeah.
When it was like. It's not that much of a fucking

(14:30):
price summer. Yeah, so you go there like Tel.
Aviv 27 Course all. My mates have got kids now, it'd
be nice to see him again in the trenches.
If we're all there together, it'd be lovely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be a laugh.
Wouldn't I think a load of boys together, it'd be like being
like on a Benidorm. Yeah, there's.
No way to go. And you've got, like, the
opposition chasing you. Yeah, you'll be so funny with
her. No, I think I'd be great at war.
Yeah, I don't think I was. I'd say, oh come on, backing in

(14:54):
lots of back in the. Can we not?
Yeah, sure. What?
Let's just kiss. I know, but Joe, when the lads
already goes too far though and you're there for like another.
Week I know and you'd always fall out with some of your
mates. Because one of them just like
still going, come on, we've got the some Buka shots.
Yeah, like that. Have a day off.
That's how they. Should do.
That's what they should do. They just make sure there's

(15:14):
booze you can get a bag in. I think everyone will be fine in
the trenches. I think honestly you.
Know because the the Nazis they put everyone on flipping
amphetamines the late of March. Sounds good to me.
If we just pull our eyes on cokemate, it should go for days
wouldn't it? Yeah, free for 100 down the
trenches. They'd they'd sort it out.
Don't know I. Think they'll be an Astra as
well I think. You'd you'd meet her opposite
shit halfway and then to be likea stand off and then he'd go do

(15:37):
you want a bumper on? And then, then it's the end of a
day one. Then next minute they've starts
a band. For gonna be our version of, you
know, the Christmas football match.
That's what I think. I think like, I think like
Christmas football match is a metaphor for just getting on the
beak. You brought a ball to the wall.
That's what I mean. And.
Who's went? Oh yeah, I've got me gone.

(15:58):
I've got me grenades. Oh, past the fuzzy.
Yeah, Can you imagine how smug that guy was as well going?
You might need the ball. Yeah.
What to do? Told you.
I need to be. I'd have been into the rules.
Fuck that guy. To be fair, I buy a bagging and
a pint. Sort everything.
Sort all kinds. Of in the rations I think.

(16:18):
That's I don't think it's sourceproblems.
It masks, it doesn't. It's.
Fine. So the next day, because I call
it in my life, little fires, right, Matt?
Little fires. And if you don't put them out,
then it spreads, right? Yeah, but when you didn't get a
bag in the fires just get they just get take a blanket.

(16:39):
Yeah, yeah, blankets. Yeah, until, but the the embers
are still there much. And then you wake up the next
day and it's spread, but then you get a bag in again and you
keep doing it, Yeah. And then you've never got any
problems. That's the solution in it.
Just a bag of day. A bag of day keeps the property
embers away. There's your mates.
A bag of day keeps the embers away.

(17:04):
I wonder if you might not talk. Talk to Frank.
I'll just get another bag of money.
Yeah. But you know what it's the
problem is, like if you get a Scouse drug dealer at the front
line, you know you've got muddy hands, you've lost some fingers
and they're always in those little bits of fucking cling
film up here. It's a nightmare.
Yeah, yeah. But well, if you've got all
fingers, you could not, you could do the clip bags.
Couldn't. You.
Well, true, that is very true, that is.

(17:25):
Very true. We think of these things.
Mark yeah, that's actually very.Good.
I'm not saying I'm a Scouse drugdealer by the way.
I just know couple. A couple is it weird that so
when you have you ever been recognized buying drugs?
By drug dealer, yeah, no, because I know them all.
Oh, you knew them all anyway, Yeah.

(17:46):
So they're just happy for your success.
Yeah pretty much because it's theirs as well as last song I
was on January European paid forsomeones nurseries but they said
it's always get extended maths November so heard yeah we're
back baby yeah so. Great.
So you stay away from me. He's not be ringing me, you
know. His eyes watch this.

(18:07):
Yeah, again, little deal offers.Yeah, new tour extension offer.
I can seeing as though you're extending your so I can extend
your tick for the. Week, they call it credit limit
to me, but he's credit limit. Don't bother this week.
It's fucking sad. It's all jokes.
Obviously I don't, yeah. None of this is.
Real Oh we Flyers. Professionalize.

(18:27):
It's comedy. It's just comedy.
It's something funny, it's true.Just come and help, come and
help me. It's just whimsy.
Hey, you know what? You know what?
The reality TV stuff that much, you must have had some.
You must have seen some boss parties.
I love parties. Yeah, like I've been to a few
like I've done the like I went to the I went to the Brits a
couple of times. I did wild, you know it's but it

(18:48):
well when you're there it's boring 'cause you sat on the
table. Yeah, Yeah, I went to a really
good afters in Kate Moss hotel room once.
That was good I'd. Love to be a flying of all the
Airways. So a few over the years, but
like The thing is like and when I was younger like me, my other
half was in fashion. So we'd just we'd be out like 3
nights. So we'd go into like mad places
like the box. That way kind of stuff in it.

(19:09):
Not even networking. Just get out getting battered.
Yeah. Like we like, we once went out
and like me and my missus shareda table with Idris Elba and his
missus. They were quite good fun.
But then you like. But then, you know, and then I'm
back doing fun. House leak 3 days later.
I very much lived two sides. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I.
Wasn't successful in enough in it that I didn't get dragged
back to this world. Just been partying with yourself

(19:31):
and then you're getting feedbackof Spiky Mike 'cause I was got
on it. You swore a little bit too much.
Right, I liked your presence. Fuck off lad.
I, I, I think once we dabble in in the circus, I don't think you
can ever escape it. Everyone comes back, don't they?
Everyone goes back. Even like literally.
So I run, I live in AI, live in a village now in Oxford.

(19:51):
I live like in a very small village and I run a little gig
every now and then and like evenlike raw mesh is coming and
being like, can I come and try some material out?
And you're like, I wouldn't be doing anything if I were you.
I'd be out. I'd be in the Maldives.
Mate, I did a fucking gig in London on Saturday.
Very rare go to London, it's this festival gig and actor
who's been on here, Andrew Mensalove him he's a.

(20:13):
Great, Andrew. And he's a lovely man as well,
and he's funny. So I did did the gig and that
I'm just backstage having a beer, whatever.
But yeah, why don't you couldn'tcouldn't stop see, you couldn't
just jump on the Late Show And how would you jump on the Late
Show? And oh, you know, it's the Late
Show. Do you want to just jump on?
And I went, why the fuck would Ijump on a lake?
Show that you're having a lot you're.
Paying me. Shut up, shut up.

(20:33):
I don't like comedy, Miles. It really pisses me off now, so
quite often I'll be doing a gig and someone will message me and
go hey, I see you're in, blah blah.
Do you want to come and close mygig or open my gig?
It's only £100 but it's really nice and I'm like, I'd rather do
a shit gig for money. Yeah, like I don't, especially
if it's closing. I'm like, I'll be on my way
home. I understand the, the, the acts
that need the stage sound, stufflike that.
But if you, if you, if you know what you're doing, and

(20:56):
especially if you're doing hour shows and stuff and well, I
should do whips or whatever, yeah, nobody needs to be jumping
on these. Look, man, I love, I, I'm a gig
hound, right? I love a gig, but like that's
because out of COVID, I had a big old tax bill to pay.
So I was doing everything and then once that was paid off, I'm
like, I'd rather just be at homefor.
Yeah, fuck gig in man. I I like it sometimes.
Do. You really hate gigging that?

(21:16):
Much. Yeah, it's gigging.
You know what, if I could just gig.
The good thing about being in the Northwest right, is you can
gig an hour away all the time. Yeah.
Whereas like there is a lot of, I do a lot of schlepping around,
which I don't love. There's not loads of gigs in
Oxfordshire. Yeah, there's a few.
On the side now I was like obsessed.
I was going everywhere. Well, just jaded, but do you
know what I mean? Yeah, I think it was your tour

(21:38):
show. I don't wanna Yeah.
I think after that tour show it was like 60 odd days wanna Yeah.
And I think after that I think you just burns out.
I think you just like. I get that.
And also, but I do think you have a few weeks off of gigging
and then you're like, get me back into.
I do, really. Yeah, don't gamble it all the
way. Then you're fun.
The next soul next soul keeping keep the tone for that one Yeah,

(21:58):
definitely, probably yeah, I do I just so.
Oh, you do a really good bet. To make sure that you get some
or put his tips on top. Yeah, man, it's one of them in
it. Like I do like it, but it's.
I've been on stage. It's just the travels of pain.
Just mute. Well, even like today, like I
was late for this because it took me nearly six hours to.

(22:19):
Get none of the other axe drink,do you know what I mean?
I just got a pint. It's one of you.
It's nothing better. Don't matter.
You probably you're, you're one of us.
So when you've got a boss, getting room with a few of the
boss lads or girls, Yeah. And then you have a boss Bill.
You have a boss, Bevy. The gig's nice, it's busy, and
you smash a gig. There's nothing better.
Everyone. Everyone is very rare.

(22:39):
You get all that rice. Yeah, it's very.
Unusual. It's like when you do a good
weekend and the Friday night gig's great and the and you go
out on the Friday and then the Saturday gig is fucked because
you're all absolutely rough as fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said my theory is it so you
know when you do like weekends at the Glee in that not many
places I put up on that now, butinstead like separating like
I'll have a musical act like, you know, different styles just

(23:02):
separate the drinkers from the non drinkers.
I think that's a. Great, Just stop.
Putting me with fucking little nerds man, drop me in.
Not Assad just there when you. Groups of beats.
Well, they that that's it's justyou.
Bought groups of aids because we'd we'd smash it because we'd
be like. For years, like loads of people
run gigs abroad, right And you'dgo and it'd be like the money'd
be shipped. You'd be like, oh, I might go to
wherever Switzerland or fucking Spain or wherever you go.

(23:25):
If you go with a bunch of twats,they're the longest weeks of
your life. I.
Can imagine because that's proper travel.
Yeah, like to play like you justthink I've been away with so
many weirdos. When Freddy did the Mile of Man
gigs, he went where you, you come and do it went yeah.
Don't put me with anyone who's sober, Yeah.
I'm just not doing it with anyone sober.
Yeah. Yeah, that's absolutely how it

(23:45):
should. Be I don't care if how shit they
are. Just so you could have a as long
as you have a pine just. I went into the gig they used to
be in Tenerife. I did you there four days for
one gig because the flights I love to do gig and and like and
I went with Ryan McDonald was really good fun and and I was so
lucky 'cause it was the guys like we go to the water park for
the day before the gig and all that.
You think if you're out with some cunt and you're at the

(24:06):
water park all day queuing with someone you hate?
Some of the of. I hate most people like it's,
it's a quite a narrow band of people.
I was just holiday. This is why I love my in the
Green room, because when we're slagging someone off, it's like
yeah, yeah, fucking stick the night.
Fucking can I hate. When I hate when those I
actually ohh no leave that then a ball.

(24:27):
I doubled down when someone's like, oh, actually I think
they're quite a nice guy go, butyou're wrong.
Yeah, you're wrong. He's a cunt and he's shit and
he's lucky to be doing this and moans that his career is not
going there. Fucking stuff.
Yeah, like, but The thing is like I don't like there's loads
of people who aren't great comics who are like 100 LB
middles and have been for 20 years and they know that they're
there. Fine, you stick there, holder.
It does my fucking head in, especially at the moment, loads

(24:48):
of comics being like, oh, onlineon fucking Facebook like well,
because the comedy industry is an absolute mess at the moment.
I get for you. I'm still VAT registered.
Fuck off. Just right, yeah, I know.
You stop chasing a one minute clip and just play the gig.
For me, that's it. Fucking clip is a night.
Chasers are fucking horrible. I don't.
Mind you filming your gig, Whatever, that's where the.

(25:10):
World's changing got now. Yeah, yeah.
But it's it's purposely clip chaser.
I've seen people I've seen. People go like that.
I've seen people lose crowds. I know, I know there was one act
who I don't know if it's fair toname him because he's not here
to 1 defend himself and two willnever be on this podcast to
defend himself. He's not well known enough.
He did a he sort of chatted to someone, got a laugh and then

(25:31):
carried on and he didn't get anything for ages.
And then he went. We've ruined the clip now.
To the audience member. And you think what you're
playing at, man. Apple Daughter.
It's the return of Apple Daughter.
We used to use pro evil names. When we first started we had pro
evil names. I wish I'd known that before,
but you know what I mean? Like it's these people just go.

(25:54):
They're they're doing like not they're not.
It's never you never watch someone grace grind the gigs for
a fucking halt for a clip, do you?
Tom Staid is not stopping for a clip.
No, it's these these acts that like think they're better than
they are and it just grows. They just stop it.
In the middle, because even if they were successful of getting
the fuck on the best clip ever right then they put online, then
they get loads of fame of what he wants when they then do the

(26:17):
gig, then their their next gigs with all the fans that they
wanted. They will die.
They're crumbling because they're not they're not laying.
They're just trying to jump pastthe the graph, the graph you've.
Got to do. If you just have the camera set
up and you smash the gig, you will get a one minute clip out
of it, you know what I mean? Just play the gig.
Yeah, yeah. And I, I think, 'cause I, I
don't like to also I fucking hate.

(26:38):
I know you talk about comedy X on this and I, oh, how long have
we got off comedy? Most of mine are off stage
though. Like there's not much I hate on
stage apart from musical acts. Oh full stop.
They don't count, they're just in the bin.
Especially some music acts I really like as, you know, like
as a person, but I don't like musical acts and.
There are some like like an AndyAskins, I'll accept because he

(26:58):
is very good at it, right? But there's so many.
I did get to some of the other day.
He had a keyboard that's already2 strikes and a stool.
He sat. He didn't even stand up at his
fucking keyboard. He sat down.
I think I know that is I forgot to.
Play Unacceptable. Yeah, yeah.
And also on stage is anyone, I'mfrom Scotland, anyone from
Scotland, give me a cheer. Don't don't need to get him to

(27:20):
cheer, mate, Just do the bit. Yeah, just do the fucking bit.
Some moments bringing me on. They went by way of applause.
Give me a cheer if you've been to live comedy before.
If you've. Been lower your expectations.
Because it's by way of applause.Give me a cheer.
So I was like, hey. I got brought so I'm not sure.

(27:43):
I was gig the other day, obviously hot water and the MCS
went to two MCS. I hate that as well.
Doesn't work. Stop doing it at all.
I tried it with Kyle and I was just like this.
You just hug it all the time. You pretty forgot.
It's about me. Yeah, it's called Tony Cat Love
friends and he hot dogs the web here.
Unbelievable. So he's so in lacking.

(28:05):
We don't have challenge, he said.
Who's Liverpool fans who have Liver fans and then got to like
Liverpool fans. Give me a cheer.
The cheer the fans who are Boo right is Tony cattle everyone.
I was like, are you messing? You brought me on after fucking
after getting to to half the room split food each other of
the football teams. Here's Tony Cattle.
Well, to unite you, yes, yes mate.

(28:26):
It's that I don't mind if you gobecause you've got a bit that
you need to talk to someone to do it, but just go give me a
cheer if you've who's been on holiday.
It's like everybody. I ate whose drinking slice,
who's drinking who's freaking size me 'cause I'm depressed
that I want to kill myself. Fuck off.
Yeah. Just say get.
Just do your. Bit about drinking, just do the
bitch. I was, I was there, I was there

(28:48):
back say just get me on lad just.
Get me all get. Me on that, Yeah, my fucking.
Say that, just get me all lads, you know?
But yeah, most mine are off stage, like, you know, acts, you
know, acts that been going forever going.
There was a guy recently currently posted online and he
was like the state of have I gotnews for you these days?
I think if you'd, if I were asked, I'm like, you're not
going to be asked. You're not even like you're free

(29:11):
every weekend. Like you're not being asked.
Like I don't think I'd actually do it if I and I'm like, course
you fucking would suck off your dad for £50.
I'm. Started going so it says what
are you doing? I've got a week off on Saturday
so like I've had the last. 4 weekends that's one.
That's one of my ex rare Saturday.
Off Saturday, off. Rare Saturday off I take I've.

(29:33):
Started doing that. You know, I've got a lot I've
started. I take every Saturday off now
because I do the live show on Friday so I just have Saturdays
off mainly and I I still say it's a rare Saturday.
Off Saturday off fucking mate. It's because I, like, I've had
like the last few Fridays off because I've put a few things
in, done some immoral work, you know, when they did a very
questionable corporate in Dubai for what I think was Russian

(29:54):
money. And I'm not sure, but there was
one point in this corporate, I was talking to the interior
minister of Kazakhstan and I thought this feels iffy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels dodgy, you know.
Drinking, Sir, I. Was like did you mean this?
Is dodgy. What did you be a pager?
Yeah, yeah, that's all. I don't it.
Was cash in a cash in a suitcaseI was in.

(30:14):
I got suspicious when it was in rubles, Yeah, but yeah, like,
and I shook. The news of the world and become
a thing with a fake shake doing a gun.
Shake, I can't get cancelled anymore.
Do you know what I mean? Like I've done not doing enough.
But it was one of them where like I had a few Fridays off and
I thought, I don't feel the needto go.
Oh, it's unusual to be off on a Friday.
Gosh, isn't it nice? To be living.

(30:34):
Like a normal person. What do you normally do?
Yeah. My one of my other ones as well
is it's quite often the same group of people.
I think we're talking about no more than one notebook in a
green room. If you're an actor, you can't
have multiple notebooks. You just talk the words out of
your mouth. Fucking.
Unbelievable. Like sat there, like the Library
of Alexandria to then go on and talk about your washing machine.

(30:55):
Why do you fight? Why do they write the set out?
What they gotta do? Just like that.
If you do it, you don't do. I don't mind you sitting and
doing it, but like not more thanone write your.
House, they're like they're set,but I'm like, go, just go do it.
But you're just reporting you there.
Just go on stage. And do it, but they're just like
the it's. Just it's just on a
professional. Performative, isn't it?
Yes, green, same as the trains with the with the laptops, it's
it's just the same. Look at me.
I I I am professional electronic.

(31:17):
Devices in your material. Don't even know what I'm doing.
I just go on and go whatever comes.
I was like. Oh like I I will sit and use a
notebook sometimes, especially if I'm trying it like working up
a new show. Like try and work 'cause I need
to remember the order and stuff.But right Not cheat right into
cheat is a bit. Fucking right fucking.
I'm just lazy. You need to say that it's every
actor who has a. Notebook right cheat The pen is

(31:38):
the new keyboard that's AT shirtfor.
Oh, I like that. I also hate new material nights.
Anyone who takes an electronic device on stage, an iPad or a
laptop, you can go fuck yourself.
What's that, Apple? Yeah, many times.
I'm glad I've done them. Gigs.
I don't like any notebooks on stage, ever.
Really. I've got another one for you.
You drive, don't you? Yeah, Yeah.
Have you ever done a car shit? Obviously got someone to a gig,

(32:00):
but you don't really know them. Very rarely.
Right. But have you ever had this?
When they start doing this? I've got this newbie and they
start doing a new pair that's just used with the car lads and
you like you're in my head. I'm like, he's given me a lift
so I'm going to have to laugh even if it's not funny because
it's rude otherwise. And he goes.
So yeah, it was. The cat's on the.

(32:20):
Roof the cat's on the roof and then you go, well, you should do
that tonight. That doesn't does.
I did AI also like I did AI. Did a gig last year with this
guy, like young, very enthusiastic London-based
comedian who uses a legal, a yellow legal pad because that's
what Jerry Seinfeld uses. That's what he told me.
And I was like, wow, fucking that is grim because you're not

(32:43):
that great. And then he, we were sat at this
gig and I was, he was kind of talking about he's like, yeah,
I'm gigging 6 nights a week and he's what, in his 20s?
And I went bit of advice from someone that gigs all the, all
the way through my 20s. Take your foot off the gas.
Sometimes it is a good thing to do.
Like to have a little life and just like, and also you get
better if you gig too much, I think it makes you worse.
And he was like, Oh yeah, because I know that when I'm
gigging too much, like my material.

(33:03):
And he pulled out his notebook. He went so like this bit and I
was like. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't do this with my mates. I'm not doing it with you.
Like I'm not going through your shit with you.
I'm really sorry. Like I just can't.
I just can't do that. I'm not interested.
Another thing I I just want, I was in a green room a few weeks
ago. I was like, yeah, can't get
that, can't get that bit to work.
I mean, I did it for, I did it for the sake of this suddenly

(33:26):
BBC thing and worse than that. So I showed up bad, this stupid.
Have you BBC? Yeah, I did a gig with Someone
Wants It. We were doing the Glee in
Birmingham and they were in the.Dresses got this green this.
This is what you want me on. I just, I am, you know, I'm not

(33:47):
under any illusion of where I sit in the comedy world.
I've got a lot of opinions for where.
I was like, yeah, I was like before, because I don't think
you've met, have you? No, I don't think it's the first
time I've seen yeah. So I was like, Oh yeah.
Well, he's he's like been in like the celebrity world and
like he's partied with Sharon Osbourne and that and we get it.
Like, yeah, fucking no. But I can fuck off.
Yeah, I say which 120 LB mid life thinks a cunt.

(34:09):
That's basically, you know what I mean.
But to be fair, though, you didn't say as well.
You said, yeah, he's one of us. He's bossing the kid.
He just swagged it. But I was like, yeah.
I'm in. I'm in a little WhatsApp group.
Other comedians, they just call me Bitchardson.
Like, that's it. That's the only thing they
referred to me. Andrew Bird, Matt Bragen, all
them just, oh, fucking Bitchardson's on one.
Yeah. But yeah.
So like, we're in this green room.
This this act was on. And she was going, oh, you know,

(34:31):
I've just had this script Commission World Channel
thought, well, it's a nightmare.And I was comparing Lovely,
lovely night there. Goes on, dies on a fucking hole
on stage and then comes off and goes, well, that's all right for
what it is, isn't it? And I'm like one of the best
rooms in the fucking country. And then and then afterwards, it
was like me a birdie was on, actually.
And then she was going, well, yeah.
But these aren't the kind of clubs I really want to be doing
to people that were like, this is 1.

(34:52):
Of the best comedy clubs in the country.
But also like going, oh, you know, this isn't the kind of
thing you want to be at, is it? And you're like, don't turn up
your nose at something. You've just been shit.
At it's been going 30 years, whatever.
Just like don't be shit at it. And that's, that's a big thing
now with a lot of like trendy Bill, like Bill Murray acts, you
know, very trendy, interesting London acts.
They come and do circuit gigs, die on their arse and then don't
even watch the rest of the show to work out to be good.

(35:13):
They just thought that was all right for what it was.
I go, Oh yeah, you've never smashed a gig.
You've got no clue. Probably to probably do gigs in
London, like to, to call up callrooms or pubs.
So like they're the arty students or.
Exactly. And then cause 'cause the way,
the way the world is now, these people look in and these gigs
just forcibly laugh because theydon't want to, don't want to
give some mental health problems.
It's then it's just all fake. What?
And then they come to do proper gigs down their ass and they're

(35:36):
like, I don't want to play here anyway.
Yeah. There's so many, they come off
stage and they must be like, oh I smashed it.
I was incredibly interesting. I got 4 nodding breaks around a
ponder. Yeah, yeah.
They they, they, they agreed with me wholeheartedly.
A minute Sharon. Sharon Osbourne.

(35:56):
Oh yeah, I years ago I I did TheX Factor spin off show.
I hosted that for a year. What was that?
What was that called the? Extra factor back in the day and
Sharon Osbourne. Was the what Who was the winner
of that year? Sam Bailey.
Wasn't a cluster Leicester Leicester go very good winner
but. Like dinner, ladies time.
Yeah. She, she was, she's a prison
officer. Yeah.
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I. Did it that and she and Sharon

(36:17):
was on it. Sharon was here?
Yeah. She was one of the one of the
judges. So I sort of hung out with her
for eight months while we were filming it.
Mad as a box of frogs. Yeah.
She's first thing she ever said to me.
I met her and I was like, nice to meet.
And she went, tell me, do you like to lick out girls?
And I went and she went. That hesitation makes me think
you don't. And bear in mind like I'm 22 at
the time. Like I've never done any telly.

(36:38):
Like I've just been randomly putfor this because someone.
Saw me again Osbourne. Sharon was asking me if I like
to eat out pussy. That's.
Four, that's a good getting it 22 you.
Know yeah mate it was like I wasstill living at home with my
parents and then going doing that did.
You give an answer in the in thefuture like like.
Yeah, I showed her. You'd have Danni Minogue in
front of them. Yeah, Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,

(36:58):
yeah. It was.
It was one of them where, you know, me and Sharon went off and
let me show. You Eddie the axe on there that
were cool, like sad. The people that entered, yeah,
yeah, yeah, some of them, they were all right.
But like, it was, you don't really have that much to do with
them, you know what I mean? Like you sort of set.
Pop on the show, yeah. Yeah.
And so they were, they were nice.
But you know, it's it's a different thing.
But everyone it was. A good laugh though.

(37:19):
I love a fucking an old X Factorboutique on YouTube.
You know, go down go down. Like go watch the whole 2. 1010
Run The Mysterious Girl 1. I love watching the James Arthur
I make James Arthur's my favorite.
Really. James.
Cool. Yeah, like James.
Arthur say what? My problem?
He's a wet handshake. It's like he puts a dead fish in
your hand. When?
You. That's all you want.

(37:40):
He's got his hands in wet. No, no, no, he just doesn't.
You know when he shakes his handand they don't even like grip.
I thought he's just not like proper soggy and.
No, maybe. I don't know.
Yeah, I've had that with everyone lying in a comic apart
from Mark Simmons. Everyone lying in a comic stinks
are common. They can't shake a hand.
Facts. Have we got facts?

(38:00):
Yeah. You're like, why aren't we
bitching about people anymore? Sorry.
Yeah, Yeah, we were asking a question.
Let's go back to 1. Liners.
Well, you stick a cub. Mark Simmons aside, everyone
liner ever met 6 com can't shakeyour hand.
What like that? What I think?
I think my theory on that is theone one line of comics are the
closest thing to magicians in comedy.
Yes. It's magic, isn't it?

(38:22):
One liners. So they're more like magicians
than comedians. So they are weird.
Yeah, closest to paedophiles. What was that?
What was that magic? What was that?
Did you watch you with the magician?
What's that story You're with? The magician I loved.
That happened what? Was on with the magician.
This magician was like 16, this kid, like I was like like pretty

(38:43):
brand new and it's all like cabaret.
So it's lots of different art forms.
He's dead cocky backstage. And then James Sutherland was
MC, so it's like you're selling this lad like just, you know,
because it's his first ever gig just so he's like you can do
like like cool sand stuff. I'll move the mic.

(39:05):
He went he's like this to Jamie.So no one doing mate.
Do you know what I mean? Bore off, granddad.
Know. What I'm doing like his little
top hat and that goes on stage. He's doing a card trick.
He starts shuffling, of course he gets all nervous.
It's it's his hand into the micsand drops his cards on just to
getting dead nervous. So it's like, sorry, not know if

(39:28):
his cards are right and stuff, And he also I need to volunteer
right at the back like this straight up.
So Oh yes, you mate went Oh, youshouldn't have picked him that
you could just fucking tell fucking pick Rain Man and Rain
Man comes up. Oh, like fucking my left foot
and that just all fucking absolutely fucked.

(39:49):
The guy shuffles. He'll just pick a card could
pick his card. He puts it back and he goes
right. You'll see it.
He goes 51 there. Fuck.
And then his woman. Dylan let him do his trick.
I love. That that makes me feel sick
let. Him do his.

(40:12):
Trick. Oh my God, that like like a
Heckle that's trying to help youout is the worst.
I'd keep goal. I'd keep goal once.
That was funny. My my favorite everyone was a
sarcastic one. That was so good I died for 20
minutes. I mean proper electric in the
light bulb Death. Put the mic back in the sand and
so I went. Nice speech mate.

(40:34):
I remember when I was quite new,I got booked to do 10 Minutes, a
gig that I thought was going to be a comedy night, and it was a
Mirth Control gig. So it's in Bath, right?
Southwest. £30 and. I get there.
It is a 1950s swing night, so noone's told me.
I think I'm going to a comedy night.
So I've shown up like shirt and T-shirt and jeans, right?
And I go and then they stop. Everyone's up dancing and they

(40:56):
go, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a comedian now.
So if you could all take your seats in the middle of them all
having a really good time. And I get up and there's no
stage, I'm on the dance floor and they've all sat back down
and I start doing my set, which is like a normal set for like a
19 year old comedian to do, you know, about living at home with
your mum wanking and all this. And it goes, it's going badly,
right? So badly.
At one point I'm about 8 minutesinto silence and a woman just

(41:19):
goes, you can just go. And then I wet and I was at the
back of the room getting my stuff and I was like really
shaken by it. And the guy was the chairman of
Bath City Football Club, came upto me and started to bollock me
because I'd sworn. And he was like, you were meant
to be clean. And he's having a real go at me,
like yelling at me. And as he's yelling at me, the

(41:40):
music started again and a bloke's turned around and gone,
sorry mate, can you keep it down?
We're just trying to listen to the music.
And the guy turns out he goes, I'm the fucking chairman, I can
do what I like. So the bloke squares up to him
and they have like a fight and they start fighting.
The table goes down and everyonelike you know, West Aston bar
brawl when everything stops and there's 2 old men fighting and
I'm just stood there watching this fight and.

(42:02):
Have you got me 50 quids? Yeah, never got paid, obviously.
Did you get paid? No.
What I also got is the guy as I was leaving, the chairman went,
you're barred from Bath City Football Club forever.
And I called Jeff White and it was the guy that booked it, the
birth control guy. And I told him it all.
And I was really shaking. I was worried he never booked me
again and all this and he just went to me and went, well,
you're welcome. It's a fucking great story.

(42:24):
I'm like, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.
Got the gigs for the story, isn't it?
That's funny. That awful.
Awful. That's like kid who got turned
around at Dubai. I want it because his face is
covered in tattoos. What do you mean?
This guy went to Dubai. Yeah, it weren't like through
immigration because of all his face tattoos.
So he's got like great, you know, compo.
I love compo face. One, don't compo face.

(42:47):
You don't know compo face. Compo face.
Oh my. God, you know compo face is like
when someone's complained to a local paper.
So say like. So.
You know, like someone's got a frog in a bag of salad or
something and then the woman getus to point to it outside of
Morrisons. Yes, lovely combo face.

(43:08):
That's so funny. So he's like, he's like this in
the local paper, fake like a proper mean looking cunt like
this with his passport. And he's been turned away from
Dubai and went, you're not coming in our country just like
this. And in his interview, he went
and trust me, that is the last time I ever go to Dubai.

(43:28):
Well, yeah. Just been told only they had a
solution there to cover people up they don't want to see.
It's the last thing you need in Dubai is chatting to a lovely
lady and it's some guy from Swansea covered in tattoos.
All right. Me to Get Me Out of this thing.

(43:51):
We touched on it off. I don't know how much you like
planes and that. Yeah, yeah, I'd like to lodge a
complaint because obviously you had Kerris Nelms on this podcast
recently, recently got her teethto look like they are engines
that belong in planes. And I'm joking, Kerris.
I really love you, Kerris. Absolutely wonderful.
Good for you, girl. And she's got a lot of tattoos,

(44:12):
actually, hasn't she? Yeah, yeah.
And yeah, she called me. One of you called me a plain
nonce. And there is a big crossover
between plain spotters and nonces, but it's not all of
them. Who called me a plain nonce?
Yeah. You definitely called me a
plain. Nonce.
You don't quite like a plate, Yeah.
Hang on. Wait.
Oh, it's got it, hasn't it? So this is the magazine I.
Subscribe to Oh, Let's take it back.

(44:35):
Why? Have you just got excited?
That's worried me. Do you mind the plane?
No, I don't. That's worried me most.
The. Thing is, most men, you go, I'm
into planes, they go that's shit.
And then you talk to them, you're like, you are a bit into
play. Men like machines.
I don't like machines, no. That's a pussy pussy pocket 3000
have. You ever had sex with a like

(44:57):
machine? You.
Know the You know the What's it the what they called
flashlights? Have you ever?
Done we well, we had a Pawn Staron and OK, nice, she gave us a
she. Was on there before you actually
if. You didn't have got that one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gave us a box of them A.
Box of flashlights? Yeah, a single.

(45:18):
Use it. Was molded from here molded.
From her Fanny. Yeah, I.
Don't know how I feel about being given.
Man, they was attached to a machine that fucked.
Fucked it for you. Did you try it?
No. No.
Well, no, I didn't. I didn't.
Did you do? I didn't.
I didn't have one. Now they got robbed, they got
nicked, They got nicked when when was in the move from black
socks to here, probably from the.

(45:38):
CTV Someone stole a box of. Vaginas.
Vaginas, yeah. What?
What? I'll ask you though.
Yeah, go on. Because.
I can say I wouldn't. Need to pop them?
Speak Daniel about the planes. You got excited when you see
that magazine. You go on.
Speak. I got shocked because Jamie
called you a play nonce. I didn't expect you to actually
be like a full play nonce. Oh yeah, I love it.

(46:00):
I fucking love a plane. Every month's got a centrefold
different plane that you can puton your wall if.
You want you do full like lengthflights, don't you?
When I used to when I was a teenager, I'd do like London to
New York on Flight Simulator in real time.
Yeah, my brother does it with mybrother does it with buses
around Cornwall. Yeah, man.
So I get like the bus thing because there are some bus.

(46:22):
Knocks, he just does. He just does a shift.
So you have like an Iviz on PlayBus Simulator.
Is he still claiming pip? Because that sounds like.
It will go like that. You're like, come on.
Like I'm going, I'm going. To do the announcements as well.
Yeah of course I put a film on and pretend it was the in flight
entertainment. Fucking sad teenager you're

(46:45):
you're acting short like comedians were ever decent but
like cool people. I was, I say that.
I say that though actually I snigger in a judgmental term.
But when I play for your manager, I act out decisions
where I act out discussing it with my wife where we should go
and. There's no one there.
I've been divorced in so many virtual lives.

(47:06):
Jokers. We can't.
We can't on the distance and that so I moved from port.
Oh my God. I moved from Portugal to Italy
and she went. You promised me, you said you'd
never we'd never do this or people.
I went on nobody's island. I love do what I mean I can't.
So and then she's having a go with me.
You're the only man who'd have an AI girlfriend who slept in a
separate room. But the AI girlfriend fucking

(47:29):
cheated on me with Mr. Fernandezfrom.
Who's Mr. Fernandez? School's fucking kindergarten
teacher. Unbelievable.
I'm sorry to hear that mate. Sorry.
And then she come call and then she sees me doing well in Italy.
So I've got some money in like offshore accounts and that.
In in Football Manager. In Football Manager.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not in real life.

(47:51):
You lost it all. I mean, I was going to say it's
in what the offshore accounts are for the gambling.
Companies, it's in Panama. Do you know, do you know, do you
know everything about planes? No, I wouldn't say I know
everything. I just.
I'm just. Like, you know, I mean like, you
know, the ones we go on holiday.Yeah.
So look I'm I'm not into anything could.
I ask you a question maybe do you know what when we go on
holiday and you get like Ryanair, Ryanair.

(48:12):
Yeah, 737800 that's all they Yeah.
Why do you have to wear the seatbelt?
Because if something crashes to keep you stationary because if
you move but if it will you'll it'll ruin other people's day, I
think. But if we clash, if your.
Airplane clashes, you are going to die out, you know.
Yeah, I think a bit of it is turbulent.
Keep you in your seats. Because then they can identify
the bodies. Easier.

(48:33):
Oh shit, so they know. Oh, he's.
AN11A. That's Tony, you know.
Like it's that 11 A is a big oneat the minute, isn't it?
Is that the guy that survived was the guys who love?
Me. Yeah.
I wonder if everyone. 'S like if that's going to be
doubled on. Ryan Yeah, it will be in some
cultures, for some cultures. Believe in all that look shit.
Well, there's a lot of airlines that won't have a row 13.
Yeah, that's what I mean. As if you like, well, the whole
fucking. Plane's going down.
Not just you, I I the seat belt.Doesn't fit me yeah.

(48:56):
So I have to like I have to hideunder my belly, right.
I took it took you get that special extender.
No, I. If if I get.
Caught then I have to, I have toget it, but I'm too embarrassed
to ask for the extension. So you know, like you know, like
they know you need it like you don't be.
Embarrassed. It's not a shock to them, but I
don't they don't care. 90% of the time we go on planes that I
don't get caught. Do you?

(49:17):
Do you? Do you actually try and book
like extra? Did you look?
Did you look, you know, like when they when they go round?
And they're like, look and checkeveryone's belt.
That was, did you look at me? And they're like, they're like,
because they can't see it. Yeah.
Because they're like, oh, he's obviously just about, yeah.
He wants to speak squeeze at that point.
The worst one was when we went to Belfast.
And they had to move him to the different because it was a
little plane to. Balance it.

(49:37):
Yeah, that. Doesn't happen.
Come on lad. We're all friends here, lad, So
I'm listen, it's all fucking sigh.
I'm hey, I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy myself, OK?
They could've moved me, you know?
I mean, you know, you can do what I mean.
A lot of the. Northwest to me you can do.
This for me a lot of the northwest circuit taking.
Manjaro, now get on it well, a lot of your Northwest circuit.

(49:58):
Colleagues are on. Manjaro now.
So, you know, you can always take that.
Yeah. Rob Thomas, he is, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know how he's doing on it at the moment.
I've not seen him since. He first started.
I see. Yeah.
Yeah, he sees it as an. Admission of defeat.
If he said he's lost off the back of his head, he.
Said oh, you still got a big fatback head, you big fat.
Back head. Yeah, there's a few.
There's a few that have got suspiciously.

(50:19):
Skinny. And they're like, Oh no, I'm not
actually on it. I'm just not eating after gigs
anymore. Oh yeah.
Yeah, mate, fuck off. You're on it.
It's fine. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Get on it.
Mate, I might say. Well, why not?
Well. Worst thing that can happen is
it's not for you. Yeah, or die.
All dying mate. I don't actually wait till.
The war is over. Yeah, it was the case.

(50:40):
That's a good. Idea That's why they're fucking
prescribing Monjaro so we're allskinny enough to get in the
trenches. Conspiracy theories.
Manjaro is supposed to get us inthe.
Trenches, bro Yeah, yeah. Skinny enough for war, That's.

(51:00):
What it is? Wow, that is a good.
Kitchen theory, though, it's. Quite bad vapes as well.
Just get everyone a bit fitter. What's I mean, Yeah, that's not
I. Mean you can still get them
though, can't you? Just have to put a little.
Just have to recharge your lost Mary.
Yeah, too. I was.
I was fine with the. Vaping until you had to.
Recharge it. Then I was like, I can't have it
on my night stand. That's a sad thing.
That's that's that's that's. Gay.

(51:21):
Yeah, it's gay like. Yeah, yeah, that's for that
vagina you gave me much if you like, much if you nudge your.
Wife and went sorry, loves to behere.
Like can you pass the charger for me?
Vape. Oh my right.
She's not. She's not fucking you.
No, that's Nick. Nick.
So why you're attic? Have you got any batteries?
For him pocket pussy. The batteries.
Take about the remote. I'll just take about the sky

(51:43):
remote from my pocket pussy. No, you've got to sleep.
That's all I guess I've got where where was the remote?
Where's the role? I'll, I'll take your side.
No, it's fine, Fine. I'll get I'll get the batches
from Sky Role just put in my pocket.
Do you have a? Do you have a do you have a
sorry, have you got the USBC charger for my butt plug?

(52:04):
Because I've got the old the oldcharger.
We'll shortly be descending in. Saloot and Airport.
That's the good night in that pocket, pussy.
Find a plane that's fucking sick.
Yeah, well, I like planes. I like got Mile High Club.
Lovely. Yeah.
Or Mile High Club Generate on Sky.

(52:24):
No. What was that?
How have you never watched that lad?
I remember seeing it on a list like a listed.
But I don't. Oh my God, it's sick.
It's like a I used to watch 24 it's.
Like footballers, wives sort of thing, but for.
Like, what do you fucking? Oh, the opening scene is bent
over a desk in the thing. It's all like 1 episode one.

(52:47):
Yeah, it's all. Like excellent all the Oaks
actors. And that they're all shagging
the pilots and stuff. You know you can love it so that
Denzel. Film flight.
You know where he's like. Doing a load of gear and
drinking and saves everyone and shagging their stewardess.
I didn't get slicked forward if I save everyone, yeah.
'Cause people died, didn't he, 'cause he was over?
The limit, He was coked off his face, yeah, but he saved the run
already. Yeah, which just goes to.
Prove, doesn't it? Cocaine is.
Good. Yeah, exactly.

(53:08):
Do you get? Annoyed cause like we're fair
weather fans so I I obviously like gambling and stuff so it
kind of annoys when it's Grand National week and I'm like, oh
what you want to hear gamblers fuck off yeah yeah do you get it
with like Air India? Were you like, oh, all the, all
the casuals, everyone's interested now all the.
Casuals are going to come out. Oh, here.
We go casuals here. We.

(53:28):
Go. You don't even know what kind of
Dreamliner it was, do you? Unbelievable.
Name 5 Air India planes. Come on.
No, not really. I don't mind.
It means that everyone, sort of.Comes all my friends then go so
what's what's going on here then?
And I could get to be like the little expert in the pub going
well, The thing is Boeing have been having a lot of problems

(53:49):
with the quality of their outputsince they merged with McDonnell
Douglas and the C-Suite moved over like and people are like,
oh, you're a virgin mate. That's what this is.
Have you ever done that as any of?
Your fights ever gone wrong? No.
Never. No I'd.
Never. No.
I've had one once with when I was at like about 10 and it's
probably quite traumatic becauseI remember it and we're on a
flight back from holiday. I think we were like in Egypt or

(54:11):
something and like it was reallybad turbulence and I remember my
mum going well. At least if we die, we die
together. Wow.
That's why they say that you. Fucking yeah.
Yeah. That wasn't a 10 year old kid.
As well. Yeah, that.
Wasn't ideal. Yeah.
No, I've never have you. Not a bad fight I meant.
When you drive in the plane, Oh yeah, you program that in just
for something spicy. In the middle.
Do you know what I mean? You can.
Can you say it? Yeah, you can say a.

(54:32):
Bit a bit of tough weather over the Atlantic.
Lovely. Can you?
Yeah, I don't. You're like.
Whoa, ladies and gentlemen, don't worry about the
turbulence. It's absolutely fine.
This is a quite weather heavy area.
You have got there to play voice.
It's a hijack. Mold.
No, there was never a high union.
Mate, my school. Wasn't very diverse, I couldn't
even. Get a friend to come round and

(54:52):
play and do that with this. Let's get you amazing.
Go say you're off the plane. Yeah.
Yeah, you're dying. See.
That's funny. Just flying it with your look.
I need to, I need to turn the autopilot off.
OK, sorry. This is your hijacker, Tobias.
Do you want? Do you want out Do?

(55:13):
You can't have any games anymorethough, can he 'cause obviously
the with the tennis and tackle stuff they did use, they all use
Flight Simulator. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they all learn on flight simulator.
No way. So even if you even.
If you tried to do that. Now I think you'd just get
nicked, wouldn't you? Well, just the game on PC.
Yeah, like, and they've just done a new a new flight.
Simulator game, but yeah, they're really good.
Like pilots use them and stuff to like do a bit of training.

(55:33):
But it's and I've done like I'vebeen into a proper what they
called simulator before. Like, yeah, so that's what's,
that's the tennis revolt to them.
Places proper simulators, ones like washing magic.
Beat where can they and just seeing.
What the hell is really shit? Or like are these doing on
purpose? Stop crashing into the building.
Yeah, he's like, could I get? Some more credits.

(55:55):
Do you remember conspiracy time?The.
Original clip, our first ever. Conspiracy, really, Yet the.
Conspiracy time where that came.From it was it was from that
that was yeah, yeah. How long ago was that?
Years ago, like it was before me.
That's. Weird before you.
Yeah, so it's like 2 years. That's right.
Got rid of the guy who knew too much.
I see how. These conspiracy theories,

(56:16):
you're next, bro. Hold on.
He's done now, Joe. He's.
Done. Go on.
He's got a file on us on his computer.
Yeah, Do you? Yeah, he's got he's got what you
call that how you fucking like it?
A self self destruct button. So if anything happens to him,
yeah, it's all the stuff that's cancellable, yeah.
Just get released, but you've got the fan.
Base that they're just buy. Into you more.
You've sort of got the perfect. That's what he doesn't know.

(56:36):
You just. Yeah, shit.
Sorry, no. No, but we don't.
We don't have. To release the episodes.
So we need them. It's all I just do as.
A computer, and I'd say that is that would be like what?
Let's go with the pub. We'll do it tomorrow.
So they should have like housework simulators.

(56:58):
So I'm, I tried my best. Don't I mean, are you not good
at housework? Nah, but.
If I had washing. Like there's too many options on
the washing machine. They come on, the washing
machine's not that hard. So I had this bear shit on there
though once you. Know what what your kind of wash
you. Always have.
Then it should. It's just repent.
Yeah, come on. What you it's only.
You only do your. You only do your temperature and
if it's cotton or yeah, you get confused but you just.

(57:19):
Mine's just one knob and you just.
Pick it on it, it's not that hard and you've been you've been
rather few of them having. In your time then, Bobs.
Oh yeah, this is like when I betI've wanked people off.
Before, don't worry about it. Like, Oh yeah, yeah, it's fine,
It's fine. Have we?
Got The X Factor gig, have you? Oh, hey.
What the hell? That's how you got The X Factor
gig. Yeah, yeah, that's fucking

(57:39):
right. What the?
Hell man, leave my time. To suck my penis Rachel energy.
Would you like to be Rachel Adagaji?

(58:02):
I was. When I was doing that show, he
was. Like we had to go do voice overs
for every week and he was in there.
He's a really nice bloke, The X Factor guy.
Like you can just tell Kanye, but he.
Takes it very seriously. I remember he was.
Doing his voice over, he came out sweating and he just went
She's all yours. He did my first, my first tour,
he did the. Announcements about it.
So I thought that was really cool until I was doing like 26

(58:25):
people in an arts centre in Lake.
Please welcome to the stage, Matt Richardson.
And it's like fucking. Awful, but I started but I
started. There was a comedian who was
impressed this but only did him just him.
It's like imagine, name it McDonald's.
Can I have a big Mcmill that's quite good just that's.

(58:46):
All these acts was he. Just didn't do anyone else.
He couldn't. Do anyone else?
That's fucking so he just went imagine The X Factor guy in XY.
That's an I wanted to like 20. That's that.
Yeah, that's amazing you got. That's like, you know, have you
ever seen Frank Sonatzi? It's really good.
For like 8. Minutes because it's a guy
dressed as like Frank Sinatra's has got the tux on a Nazi Tash

(59:10):
and the Hare. And he does, he does Frank
Sinatra songs, but he changes the lyrics to make them as Nazi
as possible. So like, I did it mine way.
You know it all that it's reallyfunny, but it is one joke.
Fucking shambles a circuit in it.
It's a mess. It's an absolute mess in it.
It's absolutely fucked. It's.

(59:31):
Proper like set eight man there's some of.
The fucked in it. Well, you say that I once did a
gig with you the. First time I met Jamie, I walked
into the gig in Runcorn, you know, in the business park.
I walk in and there's like 30 people there and him on stage in
his fucking pants. I'm just like what the fuck is
going on here? Yeah, and and you?

(59:52):
Know what if you said to? Me.
Who on the circuit do you think is going to make it?
I wouldn't have said that guy, but that I think.
That's the first time we. Ever stripped on stage?
Was it Now it's now. It's every gig.
It is I I remember saying to RobMulholland was.
Co parent. I went, I went.
If I missed why he stripped, youmeant no, there's not all the
reason tell you why I stripped. Someone went to the toilet, soon

(01:00:13):
as it got on I went. Fucking hell mate, give me a
minute. Do you know what I mean?
I know when you come back here when he when he went out, I
went. Alright, listen, I'm going to
strip to me boxes and just do real meek observational stuff,
but you just all laugh along andno one mentions why I'm Naked.
Yeah, that's quite funny. So I was just like, The thing
is, but the post office, excuse that guy, she's going to the
post office anymore, am I right?And what they really like.

(01:00:37):
I was just doing shit and. What the fuck?
And, and he's like. I'm just doing really.
Boring stuff like the price of the cinema guy.
So I think I'll just wait for itto come on Sky.
I was. Like did it work so?
Well, that you. Excuse.

(01:00:58):
Right? Is that someone just off for the
toilet? Because I said get the gear up.
You in the front row? Yeah, See.
Seen. You while the openers do you
mind just going to the toilet just that was a.
Plaza that was just set all along.
I think it's sick, funny. Man, so funny.
So at the end you went, did you?Was that all for me?
That 20 minutes went, yeah, great.

(01:01:19):
Don't go through it. That's performance art.
Don't go for a piston. Oh man, that's.
It is, and it's just. Also bored of.
Me on set so I'll just strip andhave fun all right are.
You on tour? Yeah, mate.
Rush, September. Brash is called.
I got called it in a brush is her fuck no I was outside having

(01:01:40):
a sick so I. Always there's posters there
talking like hey, change that A to a yeah, it's brush.
Yeah, shut up bud. Mean Basil, you're doing miles
off it. He was even said that where I
can be able to get tickets to BOA.
It's a brush. I said take the BOA rash.
Yeah, rash is a good thing for at all.
Yeah shut up bud, don't do shit.Joke and takes.
Me No, you don't you don't you don't that's another fucking an

(01:02:03):
act on stage you're. In a shit dad joke and then
going wee afterwards. You like stand by your joke or
you fucking do it. Sort the day off when I wrote
that. Well, you didn't, didn't you?
What Bass, Speak up. Don't.
Be afraid we're wrapping up, I'll tell you.
Oh, yeah, Fine. Yeah.
So just my website. Matt Richardson.
Comedy.co.uk Just an hour and a half of wank jokes.
Really. 2 nicknames Bitchardson.And Captain Wank in my.

(01:02:25):
WhatsApp groups, that's what they call me there we call.
Where are you in? Liverpool Manchester Hot water,
Liverpool frog and bucket. Manchester the best.
Yeah, yeah. So should be good.
Yes, I'll just get tickets to see.
Matt, isn't it? Thank you very much.
Yeah. Or Marcus Brashford as he.
Was calling him. Sarah took the day off on your
own. I'll.
Give that a six. Oh, can you smell toast?

(01:02:53):
Go and have. Fun sign up to.
Our patron, you get early accessepisodes like this, 2 Bones
episodes a week. We're running ourselves into the
ground here for you guys. It's only three 3 lbs.
Surely with the concept we put. Out it should be worth.
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Please go and sign up to that and enjoy the rest of your life.

(01:03:13):
Bye. Thank you.

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#189 - With Matt Richardson - Hot Water’s Green Room w/Tony & Jamie

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#189 - With Matt Richardson - Hot Water’s Green Room w/Tony & Jamie