June 4, 2023 • 28 mins
🏠 Is home a place, feeling, person… or something else?
In episode 11 of the I’m lost, so what? Podcast, Cassandra explores the concept of ‘home’ - especially being raised in dual cultures, Vietnamese-American, and now living in another culture, Spain.
She explores the ideas of:
- Ethnocentrism
- Assimilation
- Building a home
- And of course, journaling prompts for you to explore this idea on your own
If you’ve ever thought about what ‘home’ is like outside your own culture or home country, what home could be like taking into consideration your beliefs, values, and ideals… or that home could be a lifestyle you might not have explored yet…
This episode is for you.
Connect with Cassandra elsewhere:
- Cassandra’s Personal Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/cassandratle/
- The Quirky Pineapple Studio Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thequirkypineapplestudio/
Additional resources mentioned in the episode:
- Ethnocentrism definition - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethnocentrism
- Assimilate definition - https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/assimilate
- Ep. 08: The evolution of friendship as an adult living abroad - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/the-evolution-of-friendship-as-an-adult-living-abroad/
- Ep. 07: 3 obvious signs you’re hiding from yourself - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/3-obvious-signs-you-re-hiding-from-yourself/
- Ep. 04: Starting over is NOT for losers - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/starting-over-is-not-for-losers/
- Ep. 04: RIP to the me I learned to love - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/rip-to-the-me-i-learned-to-love/
- Cassandra’s TEDx Talk - https://youtu.be/-QeYXHEf53c
Cassandra’s IG Live on “What does it mean to come home to yourself?” - https://www.instagram.com/p/CM5O_RcK68S/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I assimilated to try and find home.
I wanted to belong.
I didn't wanna stick out.
I wanted to blend in, Iwanted to be accepted.
I wanted to be part of something.
Hello, hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost, so what?
The podcast exploring betweenbelonging and Carving your own path
(00:20):
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Hello, hello, and welcomeback to the I'm Lost, so what?
podcast this is your host, CassandraLe and today we're talking about
why home isn't really a place.
So before we dive into this, I wannagive some context of why I'm covering
(00:47):
this topic, why I'm exploring it, andreally just h how home has looked like
for me in the past eight-ish years.
So I've been living abroad for acollective of almost eight years now.
I left in 2014 for two yearsto teach English in Spain.
Then I came home in 2016 for abouta year and a half I moved back to
(01:08):
Virginia, uh, with my family andI started working corporate and
really just in corporate America.
And then after a year and a half back inthe United States, I left again in 2017.
What happened was Idecided to quit my job.
I started a business and Imoved back to Spain for love.
(01:28):
So this concept of trying tofind home has been something that
I've been exploring and diggingthrough for a really long time.
And I'm not saying that the home I wasraised in wasn't home or that it was bad.
I think I just realized that.
What I considered home wasn'tthe lifestyle values or
(01:50):
culture I wanted for myself.
And mind you, I didn't necessarilyhave the language like I do now to
say all of this, and I really feellike this exploration of what home
actually is started really young,probably thanks to my parents taking us
on vacations around the world, comingfrom a middle class family and travel,
(02:11):
being a part of our family vacations,I feel like, thanks to all of that.
I was introduced to lots of culturesfrom the beginning at a very young
age, and that kind of influencedthis idea and concept of home for me.
And also it could be that Ialready straddle two cultures.
(02:32):
I am from the United States ofAmerica, but my family is also
Vietnamese and I live with, I supposewhat some people would say a dual
identity of being Vietnamese American.
So what are we talking to about today?
In this episode, we're gonna becovering basically the realization
(02:54):
that home wasn't home anymore.
Looking for home elsewhere, figuring outwhat I wanted home to actually look like.
Why home isn't really a place, andI know this sounds super cliche, but
I will explain more and journalingprompts because y'all know I love a
good journal prompt about where homeis and how to define home for yourself.
(03:17):
So let's just dive into it.
Uh, when did I realize thathome wasn't actually home?
So, I remember when I was maybeabout 11 or 12, I told my parents
I was born in the wrong country.
Um, I told them that the lifestyle andvalues I had didn't actually match with
the United States or Vietnam and thatI was really supposed to be European.
(03:39):
So also, I wanna say a disclaimerhere, that at a, that young of an
age, I didn't associate Europeanculture with colonization.
But anyways, um, apparently at 11or 12, I told my parents that I was
born in a completely wrong countryand I was supposed to be European.
So among that, I was also told reallyconfusing things growing up on how
(04:00):
to act, what to do, how to be, andI think it's probably because I am a
first generation daughter of refugeesslash immigrants from Vietnam.
So I had a mix of Vietnamese cultureat home, but outside of my house,
uh, I was raised in the UnitedStates culture and that basically had
(04:22):
like lots of contradicting things.
For example, with work inVietnamese culture, I was told put
your head down and do the work.
I have to show people thatI'm just as good as they are
because they'll overlook me.
I also think that this is alsofrom white supremacy culture
and just racism in general.
(04:44):
And the funny thing though, is likemy parents would tell me that, but
then also being raised in the UnitedStates, my family would also tell me
things like show up in the room withconfidence because you belong in that
room just as much as other people do.
And so growing up you can imagine,like I'm being told one thing and
then I'm being told another thing.
So it's causing like a lot offriction in, I guess just like
(05:08):
my values and how I wanna show upbecause I don't know how to show up.
And for example, with family in Vietnameseculture, I was always told that family
is everything that we help our family, wetake care of them and we help one another.
And I don't know if this is specificallyjust for Vietnamese-American culture,
but maybe just Asian-American culture,like family is everything, and we
(05:29):
always take care of each other andwe always take care of our family.
But in the United States culture, Iwas also told things like, we need to
fend for ourselves because no one willbe there to save you or protect you.
So it was more about individualism.
It was about, okay, I've got myself,I need to take care of myself.
I need to show up for myself.
(05:51):
But at the same time, I was beingtold that I need to show up for
others, I need to take care of them.
I need to help other people.
So how do I find the balance of both?
And also I think with relationships,this like duality of being Vietnamese
American also played a huge rolein how I sharp in relationships.
(06:12):
So in Vietnamese culture and.
Maybe in Asian American culture,maybe this also could be a stereotype.
It was that I was told that I needto be nice, I need to be quiet, I
need to dress appropriately that, uh,you know, like I am an Asian girl.
Like I need to be modest.
And I do remember growing up when mygrandma used to babysit us, me and my
(06:38):
sisters, uh, we also had two familyfriends that she also babysat, two guys.
And I remember like I wanted to climbtrees with them and I wanted to run
around and my grandma would just tell melike, no, you're not supposed to do that.
Like, let them do it.
You're supposed to, you know,sit nicely and be well dressed
and not be like a whole mess.
Which is funny because nowit doesn't really matter.
(07:00):
But that's something that I wasdefinitely told growing up and then,
On the opposite end of that withrelationships in the United States.
I was always told to speakup, don't take people's shit.
Value yourself.
Ask for what you want.
And again, I mean, you can imagine.
Being told in Vietnam, like Vietnameseculture, maybe subtly or indirectly,
(07:23):
or you know, unconsciously with likepatterns and things that I picked up
growing up in a Vietnamese Americanhousehold, I needed to be quiet.
I needed to be nice.
I needed to dress modestly.
I needed to, you know, just put myhead down and not cause trouble.
And then later, while being in the UnitedStates, my family also picked up things
like, well, don't take people's shit.
(07:43):
Ask for what you want.
Speak up.
Like, you know, nobody's gonnagive you anything if you don't ask.
And when do I lean intoone culture or the other?
When do I lean intoone culture's guidance?
And.
You know, ideals and values andwhen should I lean into the other
and that was super confusing.
(08:06):
So it made home a veryconfusing place to live.
And I wanna just mention again, likenot in a bad way, just in a way that
made my personality really develop ininteresting ways because I just, I didn't
know, and that's what therapy is for.
But anyways, continuing and, um, kindof stopped really being home when I was
probably, hmm, a junior in high school.
(08:27):
So I started critically thinkingabout things for myself and.
I do wanna mention that this isprobably nothing grand because
I had a lot of teenage angst.
Uh, if you knew me on my Tumblr, you wouldhave seen a lot of teenage angst posts,
but I started questioning a lot of whatmy parents told me, what my family told
me, what my high school teachers told me.
(08:48):
And I feel like this is a goodtime to mention that I was
raised Catholic and I went to aCatholic private high school, and.
Junior year is when we were talkingabout taboo topics and religion.
And I just knew that some of what theytaught didn't align with my values.
Like they were sharing thingsthat around like abortion, around
(09:08):
marriage that I just could notsubscribe to, but they were teaching
it like it was the be all end all.
And that's when I really startedthinking like, this is not what I want.
And I started realizing that, youknow, What was home my whole life
wasn't actually for me and this feelinggradually progressed and got a lot
(09:30):
stronger when I left for college.
And of course it also even gotmore stronger when I traveled
abroad solo for the first time.
And also when I moved abroad.
And I feel like when we talk about homeand like culture and all of this stuff, I
do wanna mention the word ethnocentrism.
And I don't remember when I learnedthe word, but it was really all I could
(09:52):
think about after traveling abroadafter leaving home, after deciding
like, Hey, some of these values, someof these ideals are not for me anymore.
And if you dunno what ethnocentrism is,let me just read a quick definition.
So ethnocentrism in Social Science andanthropology, as well as in colloquial
English discourse means to apply one'sown culture or ethnicity as a frame
(10:16):
of reference to judge other cultures,practices, behaviors, beliefs, and
people instead of using the standardsof the particular culture involved.
Thank you, Wikipedia.
I've linked that in the show notesif you want to check that out.
So Ethnocentrism is really like, let's saywhen I first moved to Spain and I thought,
oh, everything is so much slower here.
(10:37):
So I would gauge and judge Spain'sculture based off of the fast-paced
culture of the United States.
And then I would say things like,oh, their bureaucracy is really slow.
Or like how they manage thingsfor paperwork is really slow.
And in the United States, I.
(11:01):
I felt like, oh, it moves a lotfaster, and that's when ethnocentrism
actually comes in because I ambasically judging and basing.
You know what is happening ina different culture and country
off of the United States.
And then also even thinkinglike, oh, the way the United
States does things is better.
So now that we've kind of talkedall of that, I wanna go into like.
(11:24):
Really the next step of my journey,which was looking for home somewhere
else, and as an Asian-Americanand Vietnamese-American, I started
looking for home in lots ofdifferent places and cultures and
ways of being, of course, Spain.
I live here now and I've.
Been living here for a long time.
Also celebrating that I just gotapproved for my 10 year visa.
(11:45):
Whoop, whoop, um, I started lookingfor home in different friend groups.
Hello, if you've listened to other podcastepisodes, I talk about being a floater
and not having one co friend group.
So I started trying to find homein all of my various friend groups.
I started trying to find home in differentinterests and hobbies, online and offline,
(12:05):
political views, and even religion.
And what I didn't realize was becauseI am first gen Asian American, I'm
really, really good at assimilation.
So assimilation, if you don't know,is when you try to become part of
a group country society or to makesomeone, or something become part
of a group country or society.
(12:26):
So I am very good at assimilating andI feel like that's my, my survival
mode kicking in and turning on becausewhen I assimilated to try and find.
Home.
I wanted to belong.
I didn't wanna stick out.
I wanted to blend in.
I wanted to be accepted.
I wanted to be part of something.
(12:46):
Like anything.
I just wanted to be part of somethingand I wanted to find a home.
And assimilation basically helped me learnmore about a country culture language.
It also helped me to blend in withthe culture, but it really stripped
me of my own identity and values.
And instead of trying tocreate my own, Idea of home.
(13:09):
I ended up trying to squeeze myselfinto different meanings of home based
off of what other people were saying.
So I was looking for home somewhere else.
I thought if I blended inmore, this will become my home.
I thought if I dress like X,Y, Z, this will become my home.
And then those people, whatever groupof people I wanted to dress like
that, they could become my family.
(13:30):
I thought, okay, if I talk like themwith their accent specifically in Spain,
then, maybe this will also become myhome and they won't judge me, and they'll
accept me more because I sound like them.
And I really feel like because of thisassimilation, for a long time I felt
like, oh, assimilation is my superpower.
(13:51):
Yes.
For safety and yes for, you know,trying to blend in and make sure that
I'm not like physically, in danger.
But I really prided, is that a word?
Prided myself in thinking thatfloating was my superpower.
Because why belong somewherewhen you can be everywhere?
And this is when I realized that Ilike after a while of doing this,
(14:14):
which was great in my mind, like,who cares about survival mode.
I was just like, oh yeah, if I just tryand fit in, like somebody will eventually
accept me and I will feel like I belongand I will feel like home somewhere.
But then I realized, oh, um, Ican't actually be a floater for
forever and I can't assimilatehere and there all the time because
then I just would lose my sense ofself and my sense of identity and.
(14:37):
Yes, I, I believe that I am stilla floater, but I am a floater
with my own individual identity.
But what was happening wasI wasn't really there yet.
I was just really trying to fitin and belong and be accepted.
And basically after tryingto assemble for, for.
A long time I realized that I wasreally tired and I didn't have any
true relationships, so I felt likeI was hiding myself all the time.
(15:01):
I was trying on things, testing,assimilating, accommodating, and
I feel like I've talked a lotabout this on the podcast already
in three different episodes.
I talk about it when I talkedabout the evolution of friendship
as an adult, living abroad.
I talk about it in three obvious signs.
You're hiding from yourself.
(15:22):
And then I talk about it also instarting over is not for losers.
Just like this idea of, okay, yes, Iaccept that I'm always changing, and
yes, I accept that like, you know,relationships change and all of this
stuff, but I can't assimilate forforever, which means I'm actually
hiding for forever, and that meansthat I will actually never belong
(15:45):
because I'm just lying all the time.
That was a lot.
If you listen to those podcasts,You'll get it like a bigger picture.
I will link them in the show notes.
But I worked with like so manydifferent life coaches because I
felt like I was taking on so manydifferent identities that didn't
really represent me from like work,uh, from being in the United States and
specifically using my identity of beingAmerican for privilege living abroad.
(16:11):
I talked about this in my TEDxtalk in Los Angeles about how
I only leaned into my identity.
From the United States becauseit opened doors for me.
It opened doors to more power.
It opened doors to more capital.
It opened doors to like, just likemore opportunities and social capital.
(16:32):
And eventually I realized like, oh,if I only lean into this side of my
identity, I've like literally abandonedand forgotten everything else that I
am because like in the beginning ofthis episode, I talked about like I
straddle this duality and leaning onone side or the other too heavily just
(16:53):
like re- kind of strips me of like thisidentity that I believe in and also
like the values that I have becauseit's not either or, it's both and, and.
I also talk about this in anotherpodcast episode about, you know, being an
entrepreneur and small business owner andthinking like, oh, I can find home in like
(17:15):
these types of communities, but then Irealize, oh, this is actually not healthy.
In that episode, RIP ToThe Me I Learned To Love.
I talk about that a lot.
I talk about just like how, youknow, I wanted to belong and
I wanted to find home in that.
And in reality, it kind of took me awayfrom really meaningful relationships and.
(17:41):
You know, I just, I wasn't home in that.
I was just recreating this idea I hadand assimilating to really what everybody
else was, I guess, deciding for me orwhat they had their ideas of home that
didn't actually fit what I wanted.
And I really, through lots of journalingand introspection and digging into my
(18:02):
own culture, my identities, my values,beliefs, and thoughts, uh, that's
when I really started making shiftsand started taking action to decide
for myself what I wanted around home.
And if you are in this process now,I just wanna say like I'm holding
space for you because I feel likethis is really fucking scary.
(18:22):
Like when you're in this space,this is similar to like the Starting
Over is Not for Losers episode.
All of those episodes, by the way,are linked in these show notes.
It's really scary becausewe have to let things go.
We have to let some of ouridentities fizzle out and die
because they don't serve us anymore.
And we have to choose, not only choosewhat we want, but we also have to be vocal
(18:45):
about it, which means telling people,which means putting boundaries, which
means like honoring and respecting whatwe want and realizing like what we want
for our lives is also valid and worthyand important, and that's terrifying.
Really scary.
So through all of this, this iswhy I think home isn't actually
(19:08):
a place, and I really feel likehome is more of like a feeling.
And I know this is gonna sound supercliche and probably like a romantic
comedy movie, but let me explain.
I really think home is a feeling, andmy idea of home is about coming back to
myself, grounding in myself, trusting andleaning into my intuition, gut, my values,
(19:32):
beliefs, and truly living those out.
And home isn't here or there.
It's really like nowhereeverywhere floating.
But like intentionally.
So for me, physically home now is Spain.
And this is a new revelation forme because I'm accepting that home
is really Spain and letting goof other things that stop me from
making home here and home physicallyisn't the United States anymore.
(19:58):
And every time I go backto the United States.
I feel like I have equal parts, likethis idea of, oh, grass is greener
feeling like I could live in theUnited States and move back, create
a life and try somewhere else.
And maybe not Virginia,but maybe another state.
And this could be truefor the future, who knows?
(20:18):
But I also feel a lot of likebittersweetness because the lifestyle,
culture, beliefs and values thatthe United States kind of embodies
and teaches they're not me anymoreand they aren't what I believe in.
So I actually feel like when I'mback there, I'm just like a visitor.
(20:38):
Like I don't, I don'tfit in there anymore.
Not completely.
I don't blend.
And i, and actually I think this isreally interesting to point out that.
I don't also try to assimilate anymore.
Yes, I fall into like the rhythms and likecultural norms and you know how things
are done because I was raised there.
But I don't try and assimilate to beaccepted in the United States anymore.
(21:02):
And this is maybe a question Ineed to explore for myself, but I
don't think I try and assimilatetoo much in Spain either.
Maybe I gotta explore thata little bit more bef.
So let me just explorethat before I say that.
Um, And then also considering likethe United States, I kind of feel sad
mainly because I've lost touch withfriends, because we don't share the same
(21:24):
values, priorities, or whatever anymore.
And with the friends that I am stillin touch with, I'm really learning to
nurture and care for those relationshipsnow, despite all of how we've changed and
just getting really intentional with it.
(21:44):
Same with my family.
Like I think, you know, growing up I justthought, oh, they're my parents, aunts,
uncles, cousins, siblings, whatever.
And I have to be related to them.
I am related to them, youknow, blood, whatever.
But now that I'm older and also havelike explored this, concept of home
and what home is to me, and then havealso grounded myself in who I am and
(22:09):
done like work to be more self-awareand you know, building self-love.
I'm realizing that I can choosehow I create and maintain that
relationship with my family, andit's not just by proxy anymore.
I, I'm trying to be a lot moreintentional with it and like really
approach conversations that are not justlike, you know, shallow conversations.
(22:32):
Like I wanna know who my family iscurrently and I wanna know who they
were and like all of the things thatkind of led them here and saying that
out loud, Ooh, is it gonna make me cry?
Am I crying?
Um, is wild becauselike, it's uncomfortable.
And I used to think like, youknow, my family and the United
(22:56):
States was always going to be home.
And then when I realized like,we might not share in the
same values like my family.
Anymore or my like life priorities Idon't like, I try not to judge them for
whatever their values and prioritiesare because they have their own.
But I just have to realize like,hey, we can still create intentional
(23:17):
relationships even if we don'tnecessarily value the same things.
Uh, caveat here, if you are a racist,sexist, and like homophobia, maybe not.
Um, but in general, like even if we don'tshare the same values and priorities like.
I can still find ways to, I think,connect with them and understand
(23:39):
where they're coming from.
Which kind of takes us back to like theethnocentrism or the word ethnocentrism.
And anyways, you know, like I.
Whatever my culture is orwhatever my values are, they're a
little hodgepodge of everything.
Now that I've been living abroadfor so long, I can't expect them
to also subscribe to my valuesor my lifestyle or my priorities
(24:04):
because they have their own lives.
And I think just realizing that iskind of bittersweet, but also opens
up opportunities for exploration.
So with all of that, what ishome to me and home to me is
really just being able to choose.
It's being able to show up asmyself to feel safe and supported.
(24:26):
And it's knowing that I belong to myselfand that I don't need anything else.
And really when I'm grounded,I know that I am home.
When I'm floating with intention.
I am home.
But when I'm floating, because I'mtaking in too many things, like
external factors, other people'sinputs, content consumption, I'm
(24:50):
lost, so what, uh, just kidding.
Um, but not really because I, I don'twanna be floating unintentionally.
I wanna be floating intentionally.
I wanna be lost.
Technically, intentionally.
And I feel like this is notlike the best word for it, but
I wanna find the in between.
(25:10):
I wanna find the space, the friction,the opportunity and possibility that
comes from just like this monumentalcollision of all things that could be.
And I think in one of the previous podcastepisodes, RIP to the Me I Learned to Love.
I talk about the Twilight Zoneand how the Twilight Zone is like
the space of infinite possibility.
(25:33):
And a space where there is-where you can just like explore
and create and find magic.
And that's the type of loss that I want.
I wanna make my home there becausethat means that it opens me up
to so many different things.
And it also, Allows me to beconnected to so many different things.
(25:56):
So, to wrap up this post, uh, I wannashare some journaling prompts with you,
if you're also looking for home, ifyou're looking for home, or if you wanna
explore more about identity and belonging.
So there are four journaling prompts.
Let me read them to you now.
So the first one is, what washome like for you growing up?
And when you're writing, where doesthis feeling show up in your body?
(26:19):
Number two, where slash when didyou feel most at home in yourself?
Number three, what are threewords that describe home to you?
And number four, imagine home now.
What are you doing wearing?
What do you do daily?
How do you show up and feel?
And I would love to know what youranswers are to these journaling prompts.
(26:40):
Also, if you have also been exploringwhat home looks and feels like, I
would love to know what home is to you.
Send me a message on Instagram at@CassandraTLe and let's talk about it.
Y'all this is the.
Second to last episode of seasonone of the, I'm lost, so what?
(27:00):
Podcast, if you're listening to all ofthese episodes in order, uh, the next
episode is going to be the season finale,and then we've got a new season coming
soon with some really awesome guests,experts, well not really guest experts,
but just like some awesome gueststo share about all things community,
(27:21):
which I'm really, really excited about.
So, Anyways.
I would love to know what is home to you?
Is it a place, is it a feeling?
Is it a person, is it you?
Let me know.
Send me a message on Instagramat @CassandraTLe, and I will
see you in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
(27:43):
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode andthought to yourself, whoa, it me,
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribe to.
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram at@CassandraTLe for brand message and
(28:04):
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
I assimilated to try and find home.
I wanted to belong.
I didn't wanna stick out.
I wanted to blend in, Iwanted to be accepted.
I wanted to be part of something.
Hello, hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le and you'relistening to I'm Lost, so what?
The podcast exploring betweenbelonging and Carving your own path
(00:20):
for all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
question what the fuck is going on.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Hello, hello, and welcomeback to the I'm Lost, so what?
podcast this is your host, CassandraLe and today we're talking about
why home isn't really a place.
So before we dive into this, I wannagive some context of why I'm covering
(00:47):
this topic, why I'm exploring it, andreally just h how home has looked like
for me in the past eight-ish years.
So I've been living abroad for acollective of almost eight years now.
I left in 2014 for two yearsto teach English in Spain.
Then I came home in 2016 for abouta year and a half I moved back to
(01:08):
Virginia, uh, with my family andI started working corporate and
really just in corporate America.
And then after a year and a half back inthe United States, I left again in 2017.
What happened was Idecided to quit my job.
I started a business and Imoved back to Spain for love.
(01:28):
So this concept of trying tofind home has been something that
I've been exploring and diggingthrough for a really long time.
And I'm not saying that the home I wasraised in wasn't home or that it was bad.
I think I just realized that.
What I considered home wasn'tthe lifestyle values or
(01:50):
culture I wanted for myself.
And mind you, I didn't necessarilyhave the language like I do now to
say all of this, and I really feellike this exploration of what home
actually is started really young,probably thanks to my parents taking us
on vacations around the world, comingfrom a middle class family and travel,
(02:11):
being a part of our family vacations,I feel like, thanks to all of that.
I was introduced to lots of culturesfrom the beginning at a very young
age, and that kind of influencedthis idea and concept of home for me.
And also it could be that Ialready straddle two cultures.
(02:32):
I am from the United States ofAmerica, but my family is also
Vietnamese and I live with, I supposewhat some people would say a dual
identity of being Vietnamese American.
So what are we talking to about today?
In this episode, we're gonna becovering basically the realization
(02:54):
that home wasn't home anymore.
Looking for home elsewhere, figuring outwhat I wanted home to actually look like.
Why home isn't really a place, andI know this sounds super cliche, but
I will explain more and journalingprompts because y'all know I love a
good journal prompt about where homeis and how to define home for yourself.
(03:17):
So let's just dive into it.
Uh, when did I realize thathome wasn't actually home?
So, I remember when I was maybeabout 11 or 12, I told my parents
I was born in the wrong country.
Um, I told them that the lifestyle andvalues I had didn't actually match with
the United States or Vietnam and thatI was really supposed to be European.
(03:39):
So also, I wanna say a disclaimerhere, that at a, that young of an
age, I didn't associate Europeanculture with colonization.
But anyways, um, apparently at 11or 12, I told my parents that I was
born in a completely wrong countryand I was supposed to be European.
So among that, I was also told reallyconfusing things growing up on how
(04:00):
to act, what to do, how to be, andI think it's probably because I am a
first generation daughter of refugeesslash immigrants from Vietnam.
So I had a mix of Vietnamese cultureat home, but outside of my house,
uh, I was raised in the UnitedStates culture and that basically had
(04:22):
like lots of contradicting things.
For example, with work inVietnamese culture, I was told put
your head down and do the work.
I have to show people thatI'm just as good as they are
because they'll overlook me.
I also think that this is alsofrom white supremacy culture
and just racism in general.
(04:44):
And the funny thing though, is likemy parents would tell me that, but
then also being raised in the UnitedStates, my family would also tell me
things like show up in the room withconfidence because you belong in that
room just as much as other people do.
And so growing up you can imagine,like I'm being told one thing and
then I'm being told another thing.
So it's causing like a lot offriction in, I guess just like
(05:08):
my values and how I wanna show upbecause I don't know how to show up.
And for example, with family in Vietnameseculture, I was always told that family
is everything that we help our family, wetake care of them and we help one another.
And I don't know if this is specificallyjust for Vietnamese-American culture,
but maybe just Asian-American culture,like family is everything, and we
(05:29):
always take care of each other andwe always take care of our family.
But in the United States culture, Iwas also told things like, we need to
fend for ourselves because no one willbe there to save you or protect you.
So it was more about individualism.
It was about, okay, I've got myself,I need to take care of myself.
I need to show up for myself.
(05:51):
But at the same time, I was beingtold that I need to show up for
others, I need to take care of them.
I need to help other people.
So how do I find the balance of both?
And also I think with relationships,this like duality of being Vietnamese
American also played a huge rolein how I sharp in relationships.
(06:12):
So in Vietnamese culture and.
Maybe in Asian American culture,maybe this also could be a stereotype.
It was that I was told that I needto be nice, I need to be quiet, I
need to dress appropriately that, uh,you know, like I am an Asian girl.
Like I need to be modest.
And I do remember growing up when mygrandma used to babysit us, me and my
(06:38):
sisters, uh, we also had two familyfriends that she also babysat, two guys.
And I remember like I wanted to climbtrees with them and I wanted to run
around and my grandma would just tell melike, no, you're not supposed to do that.
Like, let them do it.
You're supposed to, you know,sit nicely and be well dressed
and not be like a whole mess.
Which is funny because nowit doesn't really matter.
(07:00):
But that's something that I wasdefinitely told growing up and then,
On the opposite end of that withrelationships in the United States.
I was always told to speakup, don't take people's shit.
Value yourself.
Ask for what you want.
And again, I mean, you can imagine.
Being told in Vietnam, like Vietnameseculture, maybe subtly or indirectly,
(07:23):
or you know, unconsciously with likepatterns and things that I picked up
growing up in a Vietnamese Americanhousehold, I needed to be quiet.
I needed to be nice.
I needed to dress modestly.
I needed to, you know, just put myhead down and not cause trouble.
And then later, while being in the UnitedStates, my family also picked up things
like, well, don't take people's shit.
(07:43):
Ask for what you want.
Speak up.
Like, you know, nobody's gonnagive you anything if you don't ask.
And when do I lean intoone culture or the other?
When do I lean intoone culture's guidance?
And.
You know, ideals and values andwhen should I lean into the other
and that was super confusing.
(08:06):
So it made home a veryconfusing place to live.
And I wanna just mention again, likenot in a bad way, just in a way that
made my personality really develop ininteresting ways because I just, I didn't
know, and that's what therapy is for.
But anyways, continuing and, um, kindof stopped really being home when I was
probably, hmm, a junior in high school.
(08:27):
So I started critically thinkingabout things for myself and.
I do wanna mention that this isprobably nothing grand because
I had a lot of teenage angst.
Uh, if you knew me on my Tumblr, you wouldhave seen a lot of teenage angst posts,
but I started questioning a lot of whatmy parents told me, what my family told
me, what my high school teachers told me.
(08:48):
And I feel like this is a goodtime to mention that I was
raised Catholic and I went to aCatholic private high school, and.
Junior year is when we were talkingabout taboo topics and religion.
And I just knew that some of what theytaught didn't align with my values.
Like they were sharing thingsthat around like abortion, around
(09:08):
marriage that I just could notsubscribe to, but they were teaching
it like it was the be all end all.
And that's when I really startedthinking like, this is not what I want.
And I started realizing that, youknow, What was home my whole life
wasn't actually for me and this feelinggradually progressed and got a lot
(09:30):
stronger when I left for college.
And of course it also even gotmore stronger when I traveled
abroad solo for the first time.
And also when I moved abroad.
And I feel like when we talk about homeand like culture and all of this stuff, I
do wanna mention the word ethnocentrism.
And I don't remember when I learnedthe word, but it was really all I could
(09:52):
think about after traveling abroadafter leaving home, after deciding
like, Hey, some of these values, someof these ideals are not for me anymore.
And if you dunno what ethnocentrism is,let me just read a quick definition.
So ethnocentrism in Social Science andanthropology, as well as in colloquial
English discourse means to apply one'sown culture or ethnicity as a frame
(10:16):
of reference to judge other cultures,practices, behaviors, beliefs, and
people instead of using the standardsof the particular culture involved.
Thank you, Wikipedia.
I've linked that in the show notesif you want to check that out.
So Ethnocentrism is really like, let's saywhen I first moved to Spain and I thought,
oh, everything is so much slower here.
(10:37):
So I would gauge and judge Spain'sculture based off of the fast-paced
culture of the United States.
And then I would say things like,oh, their bureaucracy is really slow.
Or like how they manage thingsfor paperwork is really slow.
And in the United States, I.
(11:01):
I felt like, oh, it moves a lotfaster, and that's when ethnocentrism
actually comes in because I ambasically judging and basing.
You know what is happening ina different culture and country
off of the United States.
And then also even thinkinglike, oh, the way the United
States does things is better.
So now that we've kind of talkedall of that, I wanna go into like.
(11:24):
Really the next step of my journey,which was looking for home somewhere
else, and as an Asian-Americanand Vietnamese-American, I started
looking for home in lots ofdifferent places and cultures and
ways of being, of course, Spain.
I live here now and I've.
Been living here for a long time.
Also celebrating that I just gotapproved for my 10 year visa.
(11:45):
Whoop, whoop, um, I started lookingfor home in different friend groups.
Hello, if you've listened to other podcastepisodes, I talk about being a floater
and not having one co friend group.
So I started trying to find homein all of my various friend groups.
I started trying to find home in differentinterests and hobbies, online and offline,
(12:05):
political views, and even religion.
And what I didn't realize was becauseI am first gen Asian American, I'm
really, really good at assimilation.
So assimilation, if you don't know,is when you try to become part of
a group country society or to makesomeone, or something become part
of a group country or society.
(12:26):
So I am very good at assimilating andI feel like that's my, my survival
mode kicking in and turning on becausewhen I assimilated to try and find.
Home.
I wanted to belong.
I didn't wanna stick out.
I wanted to blend in.
I wanted to be accepted.
I wanted to be part of something.
(12:46):
Like anything.
I just wanted to be part of somethingand I wanted to find a home.
And assimilation basically helped me learnmore about a country culture language.
It also helped me to blend in withthe culture, but it really stripped
me of my own identity and values.
And instead of trying tocreate my own, Idea of home.
(13:09):
I ended up trying to squeeze myselfinto different meanings of home based
off of what other people were saying.
So I was looking for home somewhere else.
I thought if I blended inmore, this will become my home.
I thought if I dress like X,Y, Z, this will become my home.
And then those people, whatever groupof people I wanted to dress like
that, they could become my family.
(13:30):
I thought, okay, if I talk like themwith their accent specifically in Spain,
then, maybe this will also become myhome and they won't judge me, and they'll
accept me more because I sound like them.
And I really feel like because of thisassimilation, for a long time I felt
like, oh, assimilation is my superpower.
(13:51):
Yes.
For safety and yes for, you know,trying to blend in and make sure that
I'm not like physically, in danger.
But I really prided, is that a word?
Prided myself in thinking thatfloating was my superpower.
Because why belong somewherewhen you can be everywhere?
And this is when I realized that Ilike after a while of doing this,
(14:14):
which was great in my mind, like,who cares about survival mode.
I was just like, oh yeah, if I just tryand fit in, like somebody will eventually
accept me and I will feel like I belongand I will feel like home somewhere.
But then I realized, oh, um, Ican't actually be a floater for
forever and I can't assimilatehere and there all the time because
then I just would lose my sense ofself and my sense of identity and.
(14:37):
Yes, I, I believe that I am stilla floater, but I am a floater
with my own individual identity.
But what was happening wasI wasn't really there yet.
I was just really trying to fitin and belong and be accepted.
And basically after tryingto assemble for, for.
A long time I realized that I wasreally tired and I didn't have any
true relationships, so I felt likeI was hiding myself all the time.
(15:01):
I was trying on things, testing,assimilating, accommodating, and
I feel like I've talked a lotabout this on the podcast already
in three different episodes.
I talk about it when I talkedabout the evolution of friendship
as an adult, living abroad.
I talk about it in three obvious signs.
You're hiding from yourself.
(15:22):
And then I talk about it also instarting over is not for losers.
Just like this idea of, okay, yes, Iaccept that I'm always changing, and
yes, I accept that like, you know,relationships change and all of this
stuff, but I can't assimilate forforever, which means I'm actually
hiding for forever, and that meansthat I will actually never belong
(15:45):
because I'm just lying all the time.
That was a lot.
If you listen to those podcasts,You'll get it like a bigger picture.
I will link them in the show notes.
But I worked with like so manydifferent life coaches because I
felt like I was taking on so manydifferent identities that didn't
really represent me from like work,uh, from being in the United States and
specifically using my identity of beingAmerican for privilege living abroad.
(16:11):
I talked about this in my TEDxtalk in Los Angeles about how
I only leaned into my identity.
From the United States becauseit opened doors for me.
It opened doors to more power.
It opened doors to more capital.
It opened doors to like, just likemore opportunities and social capital.
(16:32):
And eventually I realized like, oh,if I only lean into this side of my
identity, I've like literally abandonedand forgotten everything else that I
am because like in the beginning ofthis episode, I talked about like I
straddle this duality and leaning onone side or the other too heavily just
(16:53):
like re- kind of strips me of like thisidentity that I believe in and also
like the values that I have becauseit's not either or, it's both and, and.
I also talk about this in anotherpodcast episode about, you know, being an
entrepreneur and small business owner andthinking like, oh, I can find home in like
(17:15):
these types of communities, but then Irealize, oh, this is actually not healthy.
In that episode, RIP ToThe Me I Learned To Love.
I talk about that a lot.
I talk about just like how, youknow, I wanted to belong and
I wanted to find home in that.
And in reality, it kind of took me awayfrom really meaningful relationships and.
(17:41):
You know, I just, I wasn't home in that.
I was just recreating this idea I hadand assimilating to really what everybody
else was, I guess, deciding for me orwhat they had their ideas of home that
didn't actually fit what I wanted.
And I really, through lots of journalingand introspection and digging into my
(18:02):
own culture, my identities, my values,beliefs, and thoughts, uh, that's
when I really started making shiftsand started taking action to decide
for myself what I wanted around home.
And if you are in this process now,I just wanna say like I'm holding
space for you because I feel likethis is really fucking scary.
(18:22):
Like when you're in this space,this is similar to like the Starting
Over is Not for Losers episode.
All of those episodes, by the way,are linked in these show notes.
It's really scary becausewe have to let things go.
We have to let some of ouridentities fizzle out and die
because they don't serve us anymore.
And we have to choose, not only choosewhat we want, but we also have to be vocal
(18:45):
about it, which means telling people,which means putting boundaries, which
means like honoring and respecting whatwe want and realizing like what we want
for our lives is also valid and worthyand important, and that's terrifying.
Really scary.
So through all of this, this iswhy I think home isn't actually
(19:08):
a place, and I really feel likehome is more of like a feeling.
And I know this is gonna sound supercliche and probably like a romantic
comedy movie, but let me explain.
I really think home is a feeling, andmy idea of home is about coming back to
myself, grounding in myself, trusting andleaning into my intuition, gut, my values,
(19:32):
beliefs, and truly living those out.
And home isn't here or there.
It's really like nowhereeverywhere floating.
But like intentionally.
So for me, physically home now is Spain.
And this is a new revelation forme because I'm accepting that home
is really Spain and letting goof other things that stop me from
making home here and home physicallyisn't the United States anymore.
(19:58):
And every time I go backto the United States.
I feel like I have equal parts, likethis idea of, oh, grass is greener
feeling like I could live in theUnited States and move back, create
a life and try somewhere else.
And maybe not Virginia,but maybe another state.
And this could be truefor the future, who knows?
(20:18):
But I also feel a lot of likebittersweetness because the lifestyle,
culture, beliefs and values thatthe United States kind of embodies
and teaches they're not me anymoreand they aren't what I believe in.
So I actually feel like when I'mback there, I'm just like a visitor.
(20:38):
Like I don't, I don'tfit in there anymore.
Not completely.
I don't blend.
And i, and actually I think this isreally interesting to point out that.
I don't also try to assimilate anymore.
Yes, I fall into like the rhythms and likecultural norms and you know how things
are done because I was raised there.
But I don't try and assimilate to beaccepted in the United States anymore.
(21:02):
And this is maybe a question Ineed to explore for myself, but I
don't think I try and assimilatetoo much in Spain either.
Maybe I gotta explore thata little bit more bef.
So let me just explorethat before I say that.
Um, And then also considering likethe United States, I kind of feel sad
mainly because I've lost touch withfriends, because we don't share the same
(21:24):
values, priorities, or whatever anymore.
And with the friends that I am stillin touch with, I'm really learning to
nurture and care for those relationshipsnow, despite all of how we've changed and
just getting really intentional with it.
(21:44):
Same with my family.
Like I think, you know, growing up I justthought, oh, they're my parents, aunts,
uncles, cousins, siblings, whatever.
And I have to be related to them.
I am related to them, youknow, blood, whatever.
But now that I'm older and also havelike explored this, concept of home
and what home is to me, and then havealso grounded myself in who I am and
(22:09):
done like work to be more self-awareand you know, building self-love.
I'm realizing that I can choosehow I create and maintain that
relationship with my family, andit's not just by proxy anymore.
I, I'm trying to be a lot moreintentional with it and like really
approach conversations that are not justlike, you know, shallow conversations.
(22:32):
Like I wanna know who my family iscurrently and I wanna know who they
were and like all of the things thatkind of led them here and saying that
out loud, Ooh, is it gonna make me cry?
Am I crying?
Um, is wild becauselike, it's uncomfortable.
And I used to think like, youknow, my family and the United
(22:56):
States was always going to be home.
And then when I realized like,we might not share in the
same values like my family.
Anymore or my like life priorities Idon't like, I try not to judge them for
whatever their values and prioritiesare because they have their own.
But I just have to realize like,hey, we can still create intentional
(23:17):
relationships even if we don'tnecessarily value the same things.
Uh, caveat here, if you are a racist,sexist, and like homophobia, maybe not.
Um, but in general, like even if we don'tshare the same values and priorities like.
I can still find ways to, I think,connect with them and understand
(23:39):
where they're coming from.
Which kind of takes us back to like theethnocentrism or the word ethnocentrism.
And anyways, you know, like I.
Whatever my culture is orwhatever my values are, they're a
little hodgepodge of everything.
Now that I've been living abroadfor so long, I can't expect them
to also subscribe to my valuesor my lifestyle or my priorities
(24:04):
because they have their own lives.
And I think just realizing that iskind of bittersweet, but also opens
up opportunities for exploration.
So with all of that, what ishome to me and home to me is
really just being able to choose.
It's being able to show up asmyself to feel safe and supported.
(24:26):
And it's knowing that I belong to myselfand that I don't need anything else.
And really when I'm grounded,I know that I am home.
When I'm floating with intention.
I am home.
But when I'm floating, because I'mtaking in too many things, like
external factors, other people'sinputs, content consumption, I'm
(24:50):
lost, so what, uh, just kidding.
Um, but not really because I, I don'twanna be floating unintentionally.
I wanna be floating intentionally.
I wanna be lost.
Technically, intentionally.
And I feel like this is notlike the best word for it, but
I wanna find the in between.
(25:10):
I wanna find the space, the friction,the opportunity and possibility that
comes from just like this monumentalcollision of all things that could be.
And I think in one of the previous podcastepisodes, RIP to the Me I Learned to Love.
I talk about the Twilight Zoneand how the Twilight Zone is like
the space of infinite possibility.
(25:33):
And a space where there is-where you can just like explore
and create and find magic.
And that's the type of loss that I want.
I wanna make my home there becausethat means that it opens me up
to so many different things.
And it also, Allows me to beconnected to so many different things.
(25:56):
So, to wrap up this post, uh, I wannashare some journaling prompts with you,
if you're also looking for home, ifyou're looking for home, or if you wanna
explore more about identity and belonging.
So there are four journaling prompts.
Let me read them to you now.
So the first one is, what washome like for you growing up?
And when you're writing, where doesthis feeling show up in your body?
(26:19):
Number two, where slash when didyou feel most at home in yourself?
Number three, what are threewords that describe home to you?
And number four, imagine home now.
What are you doing wearing?
What do you do daily?
How do you show up and feel?
And I would love to know what youranswers are to these journaling prompts.
(26:40):
Also, if you have also been exploringwhat home looks and feels like, I
would love to know what home is to you.
Send me a message on Instagram at@CassandraTLe and let's talk about it.
Y'all this is the.
Second to last episode of seasonone of the, I'm lost, so what?
(27:00):
Podcast, if you're listening to all ofthese episodes in order, uh, the next
episode is going to be the season finale,and then we've got a new season coming
soon with some really awesome guests,experts, well not really guest experts,
but just like some awesome gueststo share about all things community,
(27:21):
which I'm really, really excited about.
So, Anyways.
I would love to know what is home to you?
Is it a place, is it a feeling?
Is it a person, is it you?
Let me know.
Send me a message on Instagramat @CassandraTLe, and I will
see you in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
(27:43):
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode andthought to yourself, whoa, it me,
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribe to.
Wanna hang out with me inother areas of the internet?
You can follow me on Instagram at@CassandraTLe for brand message and
(28:04):
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineappleStudio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
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