May 21, 2023 • 27 mins
Maybe you ARE a bitch… and maybe I am one, too… 💀
In episode 10 of I’m lost, so what? Cassandra dives into people-pleasing and the different sides of being a people-pleaser or someone who takes on everyone else’s shit. In this episode, Cassandra talks about:
- What it’s like being a people-pleaser
- Where people-pleasing can come from (culturally)
- The shadow side of people-pleasing
- Why we’re not bitches
- And journaling prompts to explore
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser or someone who’s felt the immense pressure of feeling like they need to take on everyone else’s things - this episode is for you.
Connect with Cassandra elsewhere:
- Cassandra’s Personal Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/cassandratle/
- The Quirky Pineapple Studio Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thequirkypineapplestudio/
Additional resources mentioned in the episode:
- Article on your ‘shadow self’ - https://www.thetoolsbook.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-shadow
- Wikipedia definition of your Shadow - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)
- Ep. 07 “3 obvious signs you’re hiding from yourself” - https://imlostsowhat.podbean.com/e/3-obvious-signs-you-re-hiding-from-yourself/
Cassandra’s IG post on being a bitch - https://www.instagram.com/p/CRjhi_0jT-u/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
And maybe wild idea here, we wouldn'tbe so afraid to choose ourselves.
Choose ourselves every single fucking day.
Hello, hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le, and you'relistening to I'm Lost.
So what the podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path.
For all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
(00:23):
question what the fuck is going on.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Hello, hello, and welcomeback to the I'm lost, so what?
Podcast.
This is your host, Cassandra Le, andtoday we are talking about being a bitch.
Or not.
So first off, where areall my people pleasers at?
(00:43):
Where are all the people who feel likethey need to take care of everyone?
And maybe where areall the elder siblings?
The eldest siblings whoplay the role of parent?
Hello?
Now that you're here.
Hello.
Hello.
I welcome you.
This episode is for you.
Maybe it's for me becauseI am an eldest sibling.
(01:04):
Yeah.
And also a people pleaser.
Anyways, let's dive into this.
What are we talking about today?
In this episode, we are talking allabout being a people pleaser and the
shadow side of being a people pleaser.
Why we're not bitchesunless we want to be.
And some journaling prompts toconsider because I love sharing
some actionable things to journal onand think about after each episode.
(01:28):
So before I dive into the contentof the episode, I do want to
preface that this episode isnot a replacement for a therapy.
I really wish.
I am not a licensed therapist.
Let me say that again.
This episode is not areplacement for therapy.
I am not a licensed therapist, and whatI'm about to share in the episode are
(01:50):
merely just observations, experiences,and opinions of my own personal experience
of being a people pleaser and typinginto the shadow side of people pleasing.
So take everything I say with a grain ofsalt because this is all based on my own
personal experience and opinions, and ifyou do need therapy, I'm going to share
(02:11):
a code to better help to get a week free.
Better Help is an online platformto find an online therapist.
This does give me a kickbackand I know Better Help has
had some negative experiences.
But for the 1.5 years that I've beenusing it, I've really enjoyed it
and have found a great therapist.
But again, this is my own experienceand if you want to get try a week free,
(02:34):
then I have a link in the show notes.
So now that we've gotten allof that out of the way, Let's
dive into the good stuff.
So being a people pleaser, oh gosh,this is like a lot of programming.
So for the past 30 years, Ihave been a people pleaser.
Well, I'm talking about it like I am notstill a people pleaser, but I've been a
(02:59):
people pleaser for a really long time.
And what I found is that I makemyself responsible for everyone
else's things, and I'm nottotally sure where this came from.
I feel like there are a couple,I guess experiences, background,
cultural identity, things that thispeople pleasing tendency came from.
(03:20):
It could have been from my ownculture being Asian American,
specifically Vietnamese American.
It also could have been that becauseI was raised socially as a girl
and specifically as an Asian girl.
And if you don't know, the Asianstereotype is that Asian women,
Asian girls are very quiet, docileand just, they just kind of do
(03:45):
whatever you want them to do.
And also a couple other things was,or is that I am a first generation
Asian American in the United States.
I'm also the eldest sibling of three.
So I felt like I had to take on thatresponsibility of helping others and
specifically help my sisters and myparents, especially because if you have
(04:09):
a similar story or a similar experience.
You'll know that being a firstgeneration Asian American, my parents
worked a lot and that meant thatI was home usually with my younger
siblings taking care of them and kindof taking on the role of care taker.
And of course there could have beenother things that have led to this,
(04:31):
but those were probably, or thoseare probably the ones that I am more
aware of at this moment in my lifeand something that I've dealt with
my whole life is, like I mentionedbefore, just being a people pleaser.
I didn't know how to say no.
I mostly always said yes.
(04:52):
I didn't know how to put up boundaries,and I basically gave my power away.
A lot actually.
Uh, my mom at one point, I think Iwas in high school, she used to call
me a doormat, uh, because I wouldjust let people walk all over me.
And I thought it was because I wasbeing nice and I thought I was being
(05:15):
likable, and I thought I was beinglike, easy not being a difficult person.
So she calls me the doormat once andI promise that it's gotten better
thanks to therapy and also just like.
Life experiences, but the peoplepleasing I don't think really goes away.
And some of the things Istruggle with specifically being
(05:36):
a people pleaser is my fear.
Well, I say fear.
What's the difference, y'all,between fear and being afraid?
Is that the same thing?
Are they synonyms?
Anyways, I am afraid of confrontation.
I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
Specifically.
I'm also afraid of notbeing liked by someone.
(05:56):
And funnily enough, I was talkingabout this with, I think it was either
my therapist or my leadership coach.
I'm afraid of not being liked by someone,and if I don't like them, I somehow
default into this way of being andacting that makes me kind of kiss up to
(06:18):
the people that I don't like for fear,that they'll find out that I don't like
them, even though I don't like them.
Is that weird?
Do you all go through something similar?
So, I'm afraid of confrontation.
I'm afraid of hurting someone'sfeelings and not being liked.
I'm afraid that someone isgoing to come for me and.
(06:39):
It's funny because I'm talking about beinga people pleaser, yet I am very vocal
about my values and what I believe in.
I share about my values and I talkabout white supremacy, anti-capitalism,
anti-racism, and I name these things.
On LinkedIn, on Instagram, onmy website, on my business page.
(07:02):
I say it when I go on talks andgive workshops and speeches.
Yet for some reason, I'm still afraidthat people are going to comfort me.
So I just wanna mention thislittle piece because I feel like
there are layers and nuance, ofcourse, to being a people pleaser.
And I think also because I struggle withbeing a people pleaser, I also make myself
(07:25):
responsible for everyone else's things.
So this kind of is like I takeon other people's stuff because
of my people pleasing tendencies.
And I used to take onpeople's shit all the time.
I might still struggle with this, it'sgotten a lot better, but my therapist
actually pointed this out to me.
Where she, we we're in a few sessionsand she told me that I am making myself
(07:51):
responsible for other people's things.
Things that don't necessarily evenrelate to me or have to do with me.
They are on other people, andthis looks like some of the things
that I've done are taking on otherpeople's reactions and emotions.
So I won't say something or I won'tdo something because I'm worried about
how somebody else is going to reactor what their emotions are going to
(08:13):
be, I'm afraid, or no, I'm not afraid.
I, I take on other people'sdecisions like it was my own.
So let's say for example, uh, somebodydecides not to do something or they like
back out of a plan and then for, or theydecide to do something and then next thing
you know, I'm taking on their decisionlike it's my own and then I'm trying
(08:35):
to do all the things for this person.
Another thing that I.
I do is I try and find a way tohelp people, lots of people, all the
people, everyone in the world, becauseI thought it was my responsibility.
I thought I had to help them, whichthis is already alluding to the
(08:56):
shadow side of people pleasing, whichI think is like the savior complex.
But I'll save that for afterthis little bit of this episode.
But I really tried to find a wayto help lots of people all the time
because I thought I was being helpfuland useful and, you know, being nice.
(09:17):
And that I think is acategory of people pleasing.
Again, taking on other people'sstuff, making myself responsible
for somebody else's things.
I worried about how people wouldreact, so I took on a lot of the things
instead of detaching myself from it.
And right now I'm talking about thislike in the past tense, but there are
(09:38):
still a lot of moments that I, I do this.
So it's still a very present tense thing.
This is not like, oh, I learned it and I'mtrying to share this information with you.
No, y'all like, I am going with it.
Through it with you if you arealso a people pleaser, as someone
who takes on other people's shit.
And I'm trying my hardest to help, Ithink trying my hardest to help other
(10:00):
people or taking on lots of otherpeople's things and responsibilities or
all of their shit because I feel likeI wanted to help to be a good person.
And if you have been grappling withbeing a good person or a bad person,
I do want to mention that this is,really binary thinking, part of white
supremacy and the patriarchy thatdivides things into either or and not.
(10:24):
And, and really there's no good orbad person unless like, you know,
literally you are a bad person.
That constitutes to like being aracist, sexist, homophobic killer.
But for the most part,we are all just people.
Neither good nor bad.
We kind of do certain things that cancause harm, and then we can do certain
(10:45):
things that can cause joy and I don'treally need to, something I learned
specifically is I really don't need tobe sticking my nose into everything.
It's not my business and the factthat I'm trying to help everyone is
making me stick my nose in everything.
When it's not my business, I can justcarry on and then wait for somebody to
extend an invitation or ask for help.
(11:06):
Anyways, this leads me to a side of peoplepleasing and taking on responsibilities
that aren't ours, which is the shadowside of being a people pleaser.
I feel like most people don't talkabout this, and if I feel like I'm
attacking you, I'd say sorry, butmy podcast manager, Hey, Georgia,
had to edit out a bunch of sorrysin the three - three reasons you're
(11:30):
hiding from yourself episode.
So I'm not sorry if I feellike I'm attacking you, but
I do want to share that.
Again, I'm not a therapist, so these aresimply my observations and my opinions.
So if you don't know what isthe shadow side of something?
And I found this definition online and Iwill link the article in the show notes
(11:52):
as well as the Wikipedia definitioncuz we love good Wikipedia definition.
So the Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung,first coined the term shadow to refer to
the hidden dark side of the human psyche.
He thinks of the shadow as anarchetypical- I'm reading this y'all
so if I'm not pronouncing this right,I'm sorry -so he thinks of the shadow
(12:14):
as an archetypical figure that livesin the unconscious and stores the
unwanted unprocessed qualities of theself, including the life experiences
we ignore in order to survive.
So this is taken from the tools book.
Again, I will link this in the shownotes if you want to read more.
And Wikipedia says (12:32):
The shadow is, um, an analytical psychology.
The shadow is an unconscious aspect ofthe personality that does not correspond
with the ego ideal, leading the egoto resist and project the shadow.
In short, the shadow is the selfsemotional unseen, spot projected.
(12:54):
So if you're not familiar with the egoin a previous episode, I'll have to check
which one and link it in the show notes.
But the ego is kind of like yourperception of yourself, and then
the shadow side is the unseen stuff.
So most of the time we think that ourego comes out in certain situations.
So let's say somebody tellsyou that you hurt them.
(13:17):
Or you said somethingthat hurt their feelings.
Ego comes out in this situation and getsdefensive and says that, no, I didn't.
I didn't hurt you, becausethe ego now is bruised.
Now the shadow side is more of like thisdeeper side of your unconscious and it
(13:37):
doesn't necessarily come out I thinkthe shadow side is like what you yearn
for and also what you secretly want.
And for example, I think one of thetimes where I was exploring my own
shadow side and feelings of jealousy.
Jealousy, if you explore your jealousy,That's where you can probably pinpoint
(14:02):
a shadow side to your personality.
So for example, I was working with alife coach once and we talked about
being a bitch and we talked aboutbeing like this, you know, CEO in
your face, person who just runs shit.
And I was telling her my life coachthat I, I can't be that person.
(14:26):
You know?
Like I, that would justmake me unattainable,
unapproachable, just not likable.
And again, this is theego coming out, right?
This is the ego basically saying,mm-hmm I'm not this person, this is
not who I want to be, blah, blah, blah.
And later she came backand asked me, okay.
Then what do you feel jealousabout with those people who do
(14:48):
present themselves in that way?
And I, I went in to explorethat and I found out that
that's a lot of my shadow side.
The shadow side.
That was, you know, feeling jealousytowards people who were able to
present themselves this way becauseI actually secretly wanted to.
So I hope that helps withthe shadow and the ego, uh,
(15:09):
explanation and understanding it.
And let's dive into what is actually theshadow side of being a people pleaser.
Again, this is my observation,so if what I'm about to say is
a bunch of shit and I don't.
You know, if it comes out like I don'treally know what I'm talking about.
Again, these are my observations.
So these are like my ownconnections in my brain.
(15:29):
Um, I didn't take into accountspecific experiences or anything.
If I miss something, please note thatI am not a therapist or a psychologist.
And again, these are my own observationswith my own people pleasing tendencies.
So I think the shadow side ofbeing a peo- people pleaser plays
into, uh, of course our own ego.
The savior, your complex andbeing seen as useful, worthy, or
(15:53):
deserving of love and attention.
So basically, because we are doingwhat other people want us to do because
we are people pleasing or because weare taking on someone else's shit or
responsibilities because they can't,and this is in like air quotes here,
that they can't do it themselves.
(16:14):
We put ourselves in a position thatactually hurts us and drains us, but
you know, the ego, of course, feels hurtand drained, or the ego feels like, oh,
I'm a good person, or I'm being nice.
Of course, you know,they're gonna like me.
The shadow side is that what we wantis that we really want to feel needed.
We want to feel loved.
(16:36):
We want to feel wanted.
We want to be given attention, andwe kind of do want to save others
because it makes us feel important.
And this is the shadow playingwith the saver complex.
So instead of doing what's best forus, instead of saying no and putting
boundaries, I sometimes feel likewe as people pleasers, or people
(17:00):
who are serial caretakers, because.
You know, we struggle withtaking on other people's stuff.
We martyr ourselves.
For the sake of gettingbrownie points secretly.
Again, this is all in the shadow,under the guise of fear of
rejection, fear of hurting someone'sfeelings, fear of confrontation.
(17:23):
But in reality, we want to be important.
We just unknowingly redirect thatenergy to others instead of ourselves.
We search for external validation.
We search for love, I don't think wecan give it to ourselves or if we won't
allow ourselves to give validation andthat love to ourselves, and that I think
(17:46):
is the shadow side of people pleasing.
That I think is the shadow sideof, you know, taking on other
people's shit or trying to beresponsible for other people's stuff.
It distracts us from giving ourselvesthat validation, exploring what we want.
(18:06):
It distracts us fromgiving ourself that love.
And yeah, this is gonna sound likea therapy session maybe because
my therapist has said this to me.
You know, true self-love is settingboundaries and it's saying no to protect
your peace and mental emotional wellbeing.
It's putting you first insituations that can harm you.
(18:27):
It's choosing yourself and believingin yourself, and it's not outsourcing
a lot of that to someone else.
Which would be the saviorcomplex and the shadow side.
True self-love is, in my opinion, whenwe tap into that shadow of feel, wanting
to feel wanted and needed and lovedand validated, we give it to ourselves.
(18:51):
Ooh.
That I'm getting like goosebumps.
I'm saying this becausehow fucking terrifying.
How fucking terrifying it isto say no to other people.
Yeah.
Okay.
Saying no to other people andputting boundaries and you know,
not taking on other people's shitand not being a people pleaser.
(19:11):
That's scary.
As somebody who is afraid ofconfrontation and afraid of not
being liked, that's really scary.
But even scarier is sitting withall of these feelings and thoughts
and then saying, you know what?
I'm gonna give all the energy that I'mgiving to other people because of my fear
(19:33):
of rejection and my fear of confrontationand my fear of being disliked.
I'm gonna give it to myself so Ican nurture this relationship with
myself, so I can choose to show up formyself so I can choose to love myself.
That is scary and am I about to be like,am I about to get dragged for this?
(19:55):
Maybe am I like making wildassumptions and like observations here.
Maybe if you feel like that, send mea message on Instagram @CassandraTLe
.Let me know if you agree ordisagree why I wanna talk about it.
I really appreciate productive,like conversations around this.
(20:15):
I want to know if you wanna call me in.
If I'm saying something that is like,completely wild, please send me a message
on Instagram and let's talk about this.
I, I really feel like the shadow sideof people pleasing is overlooked.
And if we talked about this then maybewe wouldn't be so afraid to be called
(20:35):
a bitch, and then maybe we wouldn'tbe so afraid to put up boundaries
and maybe wild idea here, we wouldn'tbe so afraid to choose ourselves.
Choose ourselves every single fucking day.
So let's continue on.
Why aren't we bitches?
So now that we've talked about beinga people pleaser and the shadow side
(20:58):
of people pleasing, are we a bitch?
Are you a bitch?
Am I a bitch for saying no?
I guess it depends.
Uh, of course there's no, you know,direct answer on this podcast.
Uh, there's always nuance and layers.
I suppose.
It depends.
I mean, what is a bitch?
Maybe this isn't actually myconversation to have on this podcast.
(21:22):
Maybe this is where we all needto kind of sit down and define
or redefine what a bitch is.
Maybe this is where we have to lookat our own actions and boundaries.
Because of being a bitch means I can keepmy peace if being a bitch means that I can
choose myself or that I do choose myself.
I choose being a bitch, and I'mgonna link in the show notes a, um,
(21:46):
Instagram post I made a while agoabout being a bitch and my fear of it.
I, in that post I talk about like theactual bodily reaction to the word and
how it like, makes me shake sometimesbecause I'm so terrified of it.
(22:07):
And maybe, you know, now that I'm thinkingit, but I think I wrote that post back
in 2021 or 2022, something like that.
I talked about, you know, this fear, thefear of like being called a bitch and how
it like makes my body react in real wayswhere I'm shaking and I get hot and I get
red and my tummy feels like it's a knot.
(22:30):
And you know, when I was describingin that post this fear, it was
around being called a bitch.
It was around being not liked.
And now that I'm you know, revisitingthis idea and talking about it out loud
on this podcast, I don't really havethat fear anymore, of not being liked.
I, I also don't really have thatfear anymore of being called a bitch.
(22:53):
You can call me a bitch if you want to.
That is your opinion.
You are entitled to it.
But I think after talking into, like, youknow, digging more into the shadow side
of being a people pleaser and being calleda bitch, I think the fear that I have
now is like the acceptance and also thechoice of choosing myself and not being
(23:17):
afraid to choose myself every single time.
Because now the, the feeling that I'mgetting and the thought that's coming
up is first my chest is tighteningeven saying this to you all cuz like, I
don't care if I'm called a bitch, but mechoosing myself and setting boundaries
up for myself to protect my peace.
(23:38):
To protect what I need to get what I need.
My desk is already tighteningand I am getting nervous
because now I feel selfish.
I don't care if I'm being called a bitch.
But if you call me selfish now,is that like the next thing?
Is this like an evolution?
Um, I don't know.
I, I give this question to you,so let me know your thoughts.
(24:00):
Uh, Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe and let's chat it out.
I feel like I've covered the shadow sideof being a people pleaser and taking
on other people's responsibilities.
I've talked about what it's like tobe a people pleaser and where it's
come from, and now I feel like I wannahave this conversation with you all.
(24:21):
So I'm extending this to you.
Send me a message and let meknow your thoughts on what came
up for you in this episode.
And before we wrap it up, I am leavingyou with three journaling prompts to
consider when you, or if you want toexplore what people pleasing in your ego
(24:42):
side and also your shadow side looks like.
So the first one is (24:44):
What does feeling fully you actually look like?
Number two, the second journaling prompt.
What would it be like if you embracedsurrender, letting go of who you
are to be everything you could be.
And to me that specifically is beingapplied to this episode of letting go
(25:07):
of people pleasing or taking on otherresponsibilities that aren't yours.
And you could just choose yourself.
What would that look like?
And is there a cute *insert your name*holding you back from being the real you.
And let me explain that one a little bit.
So again, being Asian American,being a woman, That is.
(25:34):
I've always been dubbed cute and youknow, I'm always like, Hey, I'm cute.
Hey, Cassandra's cute.
But I realized that cuteCassandra was holding me back
from being the real me cute.
Cassandra was nice.
Cute cassandra played by all the rules.
Cute.
Cassandra did everything what thateverybody else told her to do.
(25:54):
Cute.
Cassandra did not push buttons and cute.
Cassandra was makingme real pissed off in.
Like internally and in myown like inner dialogue.
So is there a cute *insert your name*holding you back from being the real you.
All right, y'all letme know your thoughts.
(26:15):
Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe, and let's
continue this conversation.
Are you a bitch for saying no?
Am I a bitch for saying yes to me?
We'll see.
All right.
Bam.
Stay fierce and I will seeyou in the next episode.
Ciao.
(26:36):
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episodeand thought to yourself, whoa.
It to me.
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribeto, wanna hang out with me in
other areas of the internet.
You can follow me on Instagram@CassandraTLe for brand message and
(27:00):
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineapple Studio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
And maybe wild idea here, we wouldn'tbe so afraid to choose ourselves.
Choose ourselves every single fucking day.
Hello, hello everyone.
I'm Cassandra Le, and you'relistening to I'm Lost.
So what the podcast exploring betweenbelonging and carving your own path.
For all the peeps out there who kindof know what you're doing, but still
(00:23):
question what the fuck is going on.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Hello, hello, and welcomeback to the I'm lost, so what?
Podcast.
This is your host, Cassandra Le, andtoday we are talking about being a bitch.
Or not.
So first off, where areall my people pleasers at?
(00:43):
Where are all the people who feel likethey need to take care of everyone?
And maybe where areall the elder siblings?
The eldest siblings whoplay the role of parent?
Hello?
Now that you're here.
Hello.
Hello.
I welcome you.
This episode is for you.
Maybe it's for me becauseI am an eldest sibling.
(01:04):
Yeah.
And also a people pleaser.
Anyways, let's dive into this.
What are we talking about today?
In this episode, we are talking allabout being a people pleaser and the
shadow side of being a people pleaser.
Why we're not bitchesunless we want to be.
And some journaling prompts toconsider because I love sharing
some actionable things to journal onand think about after each episode.
(01:28):
So before I dive into the contentof the episode, I do want to
preface that this episode isnot a replacement for a therapy.
I really wish.
I am not a licensed therapist.
Let me say that again.
This episode is not areplacement for therapy.
I am not a licensed therapist, and whatI'm about to share in the episode are
(01:50):
merely just observations, experiences,and opinions of my own personal experience
of being a people pleaser and typinginto the shadow side of people pleasing.
So take everything I say with a grain ofsalt because this is all based on my own
personal experience and opinions, and ifyou do need therapy, I'm going to share
(02:11):
a code to better help to get a week free.
Better Help is an online platformto find an online therapist.
This does give me a kickbackand I know Better Help has
had some negative experiences.
But for the 1.5 years that I've beenusing it, I've really enjoyed it
and have found a great therapist.
But again, this is my own experienceand if you want to get try a week free,
(02:34):
then I have a link in the show notes.
So now that we've gotten allof that out of the way, Let's
dive into the good stuff.
So being a people pleaser, oh gosh,this is like a lot of programming.
So for the past 30 years, Ihave been a people pleaser.
Well, I'm talking about it like I am notstill a people pleaser, but I've been a
(02:59):
people pleaser for a really long time.
And what I found is that I makemyself responsible for everyone
else's things, and I'm nottotally sure where this came from.
I feel like there are a couple,I guess experiences, background,
cultural identity, things that thispeople pleasing tendency came from.
(03:20):
It could have been from my ownculture being Asian American,
specifically Vietnamese American.
It also could have been that becauseI was raised socially as a girl
and specifically as an Asian girl.
And if you don't know, the Asianstereotype is that Asian women,
Asian girls are very quiet, docileand just, they just kind of do
(03:45):
whatever you want them to do.
And also a couple other things was,or is that I am a first generation
Asian American in the United States.
I'm also the eldest sibling of three.
So I felt like I had to take on thatresponsibility of helping others and
specifically help my sisters and myparents, especially because if you have
(04:09):
a similar story or a similar experience.
You'll know that being a firstgeneration Asian American, my parents
worked a lot and that meant thatI was home usually with my younger
siblings taking care of them and kindof taking on the role of care taker.
And of course there could have beenother things that have led to this,
(04:31):
but those were probably, or thoseare probably the ones that I am more
aware of at this moment in my lifeand something that I've dealt with
my whole life is, like I mentionedbefore, just being a people pleaser.
I didn't know how to say no.
I mostly always said yes.
(04:52):
I didn't know how to put up boundaries,and I basically gave my power away.
A lot actually.
Uh, my mom at one point, I think Iwas in high school, she used to call
me a doormat, uh, because I wouldjust let people walk all over me.
And I thought it was because I wasbeing nice and I thought I was being
(05:15):
likable, and I thought I was beinglike, easy not being a difficult person.
So she calls me the doormat once andI promise that it's gotten better
thanks to therapy and also just like.
Life experiences, but the peoplepleasing I don't think really goes away.
And some of the things Istruggle with specifically being
(05:36):
a people pleaser is my fear.
Well, I say fear.
What's the difference, y'all,between fear and being afraid?
Is that the same thing?
Are they synonyms?
Anyways, I am afraid of confrontation.
I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
Specifically.
I'm also afraid of notbeing liked by someone.
(05:56):
And funnily enough, I was talkingabout this with, I think it was either
my therapist or my leadership coach.
I'm afraid of not being liked by someone,and if I don't like them, I somehow
default into this way of being andacting that makes me kind of kiss up to
(06:18):
the people that I don't like for fear,that they'll find out that I don't like
them, even though I don't like them.
Is that weird?
Do you all go through something similar?
So, I'm afraid of confrontation.
I'm afraid of hurting someone'sfeelings and not being liked.
I'm afraid that someone isgoing to come for me and.
(06:39):
It's funny because I'm talking about beinga people pleaser, yet I am very vocal
about my values and what I believe in.
I share about my values and I talkabout white supremacy, anti-capitalism,
anti-racism, and I name these things.
On LinkedIn, on Instagram, onmy website, on my business page.
(07:02):
I say it when I go on talks andgive workshops and speeches.
Yet for some reason, I'm still afraidthat people are going to comfort me.
So I just wanna mention thislittle piece because I feel like
there are layers and nuance, ofcourse, to being a people pleaser.
And I think also because I struggle withbeing a people pleaser, I also make myself
(07:25):
responsible for everyone else's things.
So this kind of is like I takeon other people's stuff because
of my people pleasing tendencies.
And I used to take onpeople's shit all the time.
I might still struggle with this, it'sgotten a lot better, but my therapist
actually pointed this out to me.
Where she, we we're in a few sessionsand she told me that I am making myself
(07:51):
responsible for other people's things.
Things that don't necessarily evenrelate to me or have to do with me.
They are on other people, andthis looks like some of the things
that I've done are taking on otherpeople's reactions and emotions.
So I won't say something or I won'tdo something because I'm worried about
how somebody else is going to reactor what their emotions are going to
(08:13):
be, I'm afraid, or no, I'm not afraid.
I, I take on other people'sdecisions like it was my own.
So let's say for example, uh, somebodydecides not to do something or they like
back out of a plan and then for, or theydecide to do something and then next thing
you know, I'm taking on their decisionlike it's my own and then I'm trying
(08:35):
to do all the things for this person.
Another thing that I.
I do is I try and find a way tohelp people, lots of people, all the
people, everyone in the world, becauseI thought it was my responsibility.
I thought I had to help them, whichthis is already alluding to the
(08:56):
shadow side of people pleasing, whichI think is like the savior complex.
But I'll save that for afterthis little bit of this episode.
But I really tried to find a wayto help lots of people all the time
because I thought I was being helpfuland useful and, you know, being nice.
(09:17):
And that I think is acategory of people pleasing.
Again, taking on other people'sstuff, making myself responsible
for somebody else's things.
I worried about how people wouldreact, so I took on a lot of the things
instead of detaching myself from it.
And right now I'm talking about thislike in the past tense, but there are
(09:38):
still a lot of moments that I, I do this.
So it's still a very present tense thing.
This is not like, oh, I learned it and I'mtrying to share this information with you.
No, y'all like, I am going with it.
Through it with you if you arealso a people pleaser, as someone
who takes on other people's shit.
And I'm trying my hardest to help, Ithink trying my hardest to help other
(10:00):
people or taking on lots of otherpeople's things and responsibilities or
all of their shit because I feel likeI wanted to help to be a good person.
And if you have been grappling withbeing a good person or a bad person,
I do want to mention that this is,really binary thinking, part of white
supremacy and the patriarchy thatdivides things into either or and not.
(10:24):
And, and really there's no good orbad person unless like, you know,
literally you are a bad person.
That constitutes to like being aracist, sexist, homophobic killer.
But for the most part,we are all just people.
Neither good nor bad.
We kind of do certain things that cancause harm, and then we can do certain
(10:45):
things that can cause joy and I don'treally need to, something I learned
specifically is I really don't need tobe sticking my nose into everything.
It's not my business and the factthat I'm trying to help everyone is
making me stick my nose in everything.
When it's not my business, I can justcarry on and then wait for somebody to
extend an invitation or ask for help.
(11:06):
Anyways, this leads me to a side of peoplepleasing and taking on responsibilities
that aren't ours, which is the shadowside of being a people pleaser.
I feel like most people don't talkabout this, and if I feel like I'm
attacking you, I'd say sorry, butmy podcast manager, Hey, Georgia,
had to edit out a bunch of sorrysin the three - three reasons you're
(11:30):
hiding from yourself episode.
So I'm not sorry if I feellike I'm attacking you, but
I do want to share that.
Again, I'm not a therapist, so these aresimply my observations and my opinions.
So if you don't know what isthe shadow side of something?
And I found this definition online and Iwill link the article in the show notes
(11:52):
as well as the Wikipedia definitioncuz we love good Wikipedia definition.
So the Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung,first coined the term shadow to refer to
the hidden dark side of the human psyche.
He thinks of the shadow as anarchetypical- I'm reading this y'all
so if I'm not pronouncing this right,I'm sorry -so he thinks of the shadow
(12:14):
as an archetypical figure that livesin the unconscious and stores the
unwanted unprocessed qualities of theself, including the life experiences
we ignore in order to survive.
So this is taken from the tools book.
Again, I will link this in the shownotes if you want to read more.
And Wikipedia says (12:32):
The shadow is, um, an analytical psychology.
The shadow is an unconscious aspect ofthe personality that does not correspond
with the ego ideal, leading the egoto resist and project the shadow.
In short, the shadow is the selfsemotional unseen, spot projected.
(12:54):
So if you're not familiar with the egoin a previous episode, I'll have to check
which one and link it in the show notes.
But the ego is kind of like yourperception of yourself, and then
the shadow side is the unseen stuff.
So most of the time we think that ourego comes out in certain situations.
So let's say somebody tellsyou that you hurt them.
(13:17):
Or you said somethingthat hurt their feelings.
Ego comes out in this situation and getsdefensive and says that, no, I didn't.
I didn't hurt you, becausethe ego now is bruised.
Now the shadow side is more of like thisdeeper side of your unconscious and it
(13:37):
doesn't necessarily come out I thinkthe shadow side is like what you yearn
for and also what you secretly want.
And for example, I think one of thetimes where I was exploring my own
shadow side and feelings of jealousy.
Jealousy, if you explore your jealousy,That's where you can probably pinpoint
(14:02):
a shadow side to your personality.
So for example, I was working with alife coach once and we talked about
being a bitch and we talked aboutbeing like this, you know, CEO in
your face, person who just runs shit.
And I was telling her my life coachthat I, I can't be that person.
(14:26):
You know?
Like I, that would justmake me unattainable,
unapproachable, just not likable.
And again, this is theego coming out, right?
This is the ego basically saying,mm-hmm I'm not this person, this is
not who I want to be, blah, blah, blah.
And later she came backand asked me, okay.
Then what do you feel jealousabout with those people who do
(14:48):
present themselves in that way?
And I, I went in to explorethat and I found out that
that's a lot of my shadow side.
The shadow side.
That was, you know, feeling jealousytowards people who were able to
present themselves this way becauseI actually secretly wanted to.
So I hope that helps withthe shadow and the ego, uh,
(15:09):
explanation and understanding it.
And let's dive into what is actually theshadow side of being a people pleaser.
Again, this is my observation,so if what I'm about to say is
a bunch of shit and I don't.
You know, if it comes out like I don'treally know what I'm talking about.
Again, these are my observations.
So these are like my ownconnections in my brain.
(15:29):
Um, I didn't take into accountspecific experiences or anything.
If I miss something, please note thatI am not a therapist or a psychologist.
And again, these are my own observationswith my own people pleasing tendencies.
So I think the shadow side ofbeing a peo- people pleaser plays
into, uh, of course our own ego.
The savior, your complex andbeing seen as useful, worthy, or
(15:53):
deserving of love and attention.
So basically, because we are doingwhat other people want us to do because
we are people pleasing or because weare taking on someone else's shit or
responsibilities because they can't,and this is in like air quotes here,
that they can't do it themselves.
(16:14):
We put ourselves in a position thatactually hurts us and drains us, but
you know, the ego, of course, feels hurtand drained, or the ego feels like, oh,
I'm a good person, or I'm being nice.
Of course, you know,they're gonna like me.
The shadow side is that what we wantis that we really want to feel needed.
We want to feel loved.
(16:36):
We want to feel wanted.
We want to be given attention, andwe kind of do want to save others
because it makes us feel important.
And this is the shadow playingwith the saver complex.
So instead of doing what's best forus, instead of saying no and putting
boundaries, I sometimes feel likewe as people pleasers, or people
(17:00):
who are serial caretakers, because.
You know, we struggle withtaking on other people's stuff.
We martyr ourselves.
For the sake of gettingbrownie points secretly.
Again, this is all in the shadow,under the guise of fear of
rejection, fear of hurting someone'sfeelings, fear of confrontation.
(17:23):
But in reality, we want to be important.
We just unknowingly redirect thatenergy to others instead of ourselves.
We search for external validation.
We search for love, I don't think wecan give it to ourselves or if we won't
allow ourselves to give validation andthat love to ourselves, and that I think
(17:46):
is the shadow side of people pleasing.
That I think is the shadow sideof, you know, taking on other
people's shit or trying to beresponsible for other people's stuff.
It distracts us from giving ourselvesthat validation, exploring what we want.
(18:06):
It distracts us fromgiving ourself that love.
And yeah, this is gonna sound likea therapy session maybe because
my therapist has said this to me.
You know, true self-love is settingboundaries and it's saying no to protect
your peace and mental emotional wellbeing.
It's putting you first insituations that can harm you.
(18:27):
It's choosing yourself and believingin yourself, and it's not outsourcing
a lot of that to someone else.
Which would be the saviorcomplex and the shadow side.
True self-love is, in my opinion, whenwe tap into that shadow of feel, wanting
to feel wanted and needed and lovedand validated, we give it to ourselves.
(18:51):
Ooh.
That I'm getting like goosebumps.
I'm saying this becausehow fucking terrifying.
How fucking terrifying it isto say no to other people.
Yeah.
Okay.
Saying no to other people andputting boundaries and you know,
not taking on other people's shitand not being a people pleaser.
(19:11):
That's scary.
As somebody who is afraid ofconfrontation and afraid of not
being liked, that's really scary.
But even scarier is sitting withall of these feelings and thoughts
and then saying, you know what?
I'm gonna give all the energy that I'mgiving to other people because of my fear
(19:33):
of rejection and my fear of confrontationand my fear of being disliked.
I'm gonna give it to myself so Ican nurture this relationship with
myself, so I can choose to show up formyself so I can choose to love myself.
That is scary and am I about to be like,am I about to get dragged for this?
(19:55):
Maybe am I like making wildassumptions and like observations here.
Maybe if you feel like that, send mea message on Instagram @CassandraTLe
.Let me know if you agree ordisagree why I wanna talk about it.
I really appreciate productive,like conversations around this.
(20:15):
I want to know if you wanna call me in.
If I'm saying something that is like,completely wild, please send me a message
on Instagram and let's talk about this.
I, I really feel like the shadow sideof people pleasing is overlooked.
And if we talked about this then maybewe wouldn't be so afraid to be called
(20:35):
a bitch, and then maybe we wouldn'tbe so afraid to put up boundaries
and maybe wild idea here, we wouldn'tbe so afraid to choose ourselves.
Choose ourselves every single fucking day.
So let's continue on.
Why aren't we bitches?
So now that we've talked about beinga people pleaser and the shadow side
(20:58):
of people pleasing, are we a bitch?
Are you a bitch?
Am I a bitch for saying no?
I guess it depends.
Uh, of course there's no, you know,direct answer on this podcast.
Uh, there's always nuance and layers.
I suppose.
It depends.
I mean, what is a bitch?
Maybe this isn't actually myconversation to have on this podcast.
(21:22):
Maybe this is where we all needto kind of sit down and define
or redefine what a bitch is.
Maybe this is where we have to lookat our own actions and boundaries.
Because of being a bitch means I can keepmy peace if being a bitch means that I can
choose myself or that I do choose myself.
I choose being a bitch, and I'mgonna link in the show notes a, um,
(21:46):
Instagram post I made a while agoabout being a bitch and my fear of it.
I, in that post I talk about like theactual bodily reaction to the word and
how it like, makes me shake sometimesbecause I'm so terrified of it.
(22:07):
And maybe, you know, now that I'm thinkingit, but I think I wrote that post back
in 2021 or 2022, something like that.
I talked about, you know, this fear, thefear of like being called a bitch and how
it like makes my body react in real wayswhere I'm shaking and I get hot and I get
red and my tummy feels like it's a knot.
(22:30):
And you know, when I was describingin that post this fear, it was
around being called a bitch.
It was around being not liked.
And now that I'm you know, revisitingthis idea and talking about it out loud
on this podcast, I don't really havethat fear anymore, of not being liked.
I, I also don't really have thatfear anymore of being called a bitch.
(22:53):
You can call me a bitch if you want to.
That is your opinion.
You are entitled to it.
But I think after talking into, like, youknow, digging more into the shadow side
of being a people pleaser and being calleda bitch, I think the fear that I have
now is like the acceptance and also thechoice of choosing myself and not being
(23:17):
afraid to choose myself every single time.
Because now the, the feeling that I'mgetting and the thought that's coming
up is first my chest is tighteningeven saying this to you all cuz like, I
don't care if I'm called a bitch, but mechoosing myself and setting boundaries
up for myself to protect my peace.
(23:38):
To protect what I need to get what I need.
My desk is already tighteningand I am getting nervous
because now I feel selfish.
I don't care if I'm being called a bitch.
But if you call me selfish now,is that like the next thing?
Is this like an evolution?
Um, I don't know.
I, I give this question to you,so let me know your thoughts.
(24:00):
Uh, Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe and let's chat it out.
I feel like I've covered the shadow sideof being a people pleaser and taking
on other people's responsibilities.
I've talked about what it's like tobe a people pleaser and where it's
come from, and now I feel like I wannahave this conversation with you all.
(24:21):
So I'm extending this to you.
Send me a message and let meknow your thoughts on what came
up for you in this episode.
And before we wrap it up, I am leavingyou with three journaling prompts to
consider when you, or if you want toexplore what people pleasing in your ego
(24:42):
side and also your shadow side looks like.
So the first one is (24:44):
What does feeling fully you actually look like?
Number two, the second journaling prompt.
What would it be like if you embracedsurrender, letting go of who you
are to be everything you could be.
And to me that specifically is beingapplied to this episode of letting go
(25:07):
of people pleasing or taking on otherresponsibilities that aren't yours.
And you could just choose yourself.
What would that look like?
And is there a cute *insert your name*holding you back from being the real you.
And let me explain that one a little bit.
So again, being Asian American,being a woman, That is.
(25:34):
I've always been dubbed cute and youknow, I'm always like, Hey, I'm cute.
Hey, Cassandra's cute.
But I realized that cuteCassandra was holding me back
from being the real me cute.
Cassandra was nice.
Cute cassandra played by all the rules.
Cute.
Cassandra did everything what thateverybody else told her to do.
(25:54):
Cute.
Cassandra did not push buttons and cute.
Cassandra was makingme real pissed off in.
Like internally and in myown like inner dialogue.
So is there a cute *insert your name*holding you back from being the real you.
All right, y'all letme know your thoughts.
(26:15):
Send me a message on Instagram@CassandraTLe, and let's
continue this conversation.
Are you a bitch for saying no?
Am I a bitch for saying yes to me?
We'll see.
All right.
Bam.
Stay fierce and I will seeyou in the next episode.
Ciao.
(26:36):
If you're hearing this message, that meansyou made it to the end of this episode.
Yay.
Thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed this episodeand thought to yourself, whoa.
It to me.
I'd love if you could share this withothers, post about it on social media
and or leave a rating and review.
Don't forget to subscribeto, wanna hang out with me in
other areas of the internet.
You can follow me on Instagram@CassandraTLe for brand message and
(27:00):
content marketing tips and resources.
Check out my business@TheQuirkyPineapple Studio.
Thanks again and seeyou in the next episode.
Stay fierce fam.
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