Have you ever showed up for a friend who was really going through it and just sat with them as if you were on a park bench? You didn’t offer advice or guidance, you just simply saw them, heard them and comforted them in their moment of struggle. Join CH this week as she recounts the story of when her friend, Sarah, offered this powerful form of friendship and support, and how that has further shaped CH's approach to being there for someone - without the need for words or advice - where a quiet, non-judgmental presence can make a world of difference during tough times.
Show Notes
- For those who may not be familiar with the term toxic positivity, you can learn more about it on VeryWellMind.com.
Episode Transcript
This week's Life Note, when we really just need someone to sit on the bench
with us, literally or figuratively.
Music.
Welcome to Life Notes from Chair 17, a podcast dedicated to sharing life stories,
wisdoms and inspirations as we navigate life's journey.
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Host C.H. aims to share thoughtful perspectives and insights from her own life
journey, as as well as those of special guests and contributors.
Tune in for thoughtful conversations about lessons learned, wisdoms gained,
experiences had, and inspirations shared.
Find us where you get your podcasts and be sure to hit follow or subscribe so
(00:45):
you never miss an episode.
Now, enjoy this week's episode.
All righty, welcome back in, friends, to another episode of Life Notes from Chair. I'm your host, CH.
I thank you once again, as always, for finding me in this corner of the podcast universe.
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I always like to start off thanking our returning C17ers for your continued
support and tuning in each week.
This does include our returning international listeners. Thank you so much for checking us out.
Across the globe. We sincerely appreciate it. But if you are tuning in for the
first time, maybe you've just found us on one of the major podcast platforms
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or via our website out on lifenotesfromchair17podcast.com.
A warm welcome in to you. Thank you for checking us out.
We hope you like what you hear and you want to continue to tune in.
So this episode follows our previous episode of Okay Not Being Okay.
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And I have received quite a bit of positive feedback on that episode,
and it really seems to have landed with many of you in a good way.
And as I try to craft the right balance of life stories to tell or to share on this podcast,
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and hopefully ones that can inspire or uplift or reassure or maybe offer some
guidance or wisdoms, as we like to say.
To share that particular one, which was my own struggle to be okay in a moment
when I really wasn't, I am really humbled that it has resonated.
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And also to learn that either some of you are going through a very similar thing
right now, or you have gone through a similar thing,
which reinforces the importance of understanding we're not alone in our struggle.
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And that we do need to normalize sharing of these sort of okay not being okay story stories.
To help to help us not feel like we're we're facing something in isolation and
that there are folks out there that have gone through it and.
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Have come out on the other side and are
or are going through it and sharing that
it's it is not something to be ashamed
of or afraid of and that we all have these life battles that we sometimes need
to to face so it has been really a very it's a very humbling to have that feedback
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it's probably the episode that's given me the most feedback,
which I appreciate.
It also has made me think about my life mantra, or one of my life mantras,
which is give yourself permission.
And this idea that we do
need to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves with
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the same kindness and gentleness that we sometimes do for others and to be far
less hard on ourselves in those moments of struggle in the same way we would
ask someone else to also not be so hard on themselves.
I don't know about you, but I do sometimes have to stop myself and go,
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hey, you know what? I think you need to give yourself permission too.
If you happen to be one of those people that is really good at doing it both
for yourself and for others, I tip my hat to you truly.
I just happen to sometimes be way worse at that for myself than when I'm showing
up to support someone in my inner circle.
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And all of this reflection has really led me to thinking about this concept that came to me.
I feel like it's going on about 10 years now. It's probably a little older than
10 years because it happened with a previous friend,
Calico, who did it for me at a time when I didn't, I don't think I really understood
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it in the context that I did when my friend Sarah did this for me.
It's an influence on my life of how now I choose to show up for others.
So what they did for me, affects and has affected how I try to show up to help or support others.
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And I've called this concept, this friendship support concept, of sitting on the bench.
And it did come my way within a couple of years of each other,
but this particular instance is the one I'm going to refer to with my friend
Sarah, who I still think about this story in this moment today.
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And it happened at a time when I was really fractured after having taken really
one of the worst jobs I have ever held.
It was the first time in my life where I was working in what I could say is
a truly toxic working environment.
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I felt very persecuted. I I felt there was literally no protection for me as an employee.
By the company for any mistreatment or verbal abuse or things that I witnessed
that I knew was not okay and not right.
And also that it just was so difficult to admit to myself that I had made such
(06:47):
a huge mistake leaving a really good company to take this opportunity.
And I knew that within 30 days.
I missed so many red flags that I now know to look for about gauging not only
company health, but like team health and the person that you might be working
for, the team that you're going to be working with or in conjunction with.
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And in thinking about this, I actually do plan to do an episode about what is
real distress that comes from finding ourself in an unhealthy working environment.
But for this episode, what came out of this particular period for me was this beautiful,
impactful level of friendship support that was very quiet and very still.
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Now, I will admit, my memory is slightly hazy because this particular period of time was a cluster.
But I do remember when it sort of revealed itself to me because we were both
sitting at a Seattle Mariners game and I just started crying out of nowhere.
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And clearly I was mentally saying to myself, okay, this is not good.
I am not okay in this moment, but I cannot even articulate why I am not okay.
I obviously know now, in hindsight and after a lot of processing and talking it out, that.
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It had to do with being really made to feel pretty horrible every single day I was going to work,
and the fear that I faced walking through the door each day of not knowing what
was going to be thrown at me, what I was going to witness, what I was going to observe.
And in this particular moment, when I started just crying at what should have
(08:43):
been a fun baseball game, Sarah's a massive softball baseball fan,
I used to play softball, it It was our summer tradition that we would generally
go to a Mariners game when she lived here in Washington.
In that moment, she just sat with me.
She listened to me cry. I do remember murmuring, I'm sorry, I don't know what is happening.
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And she just sat quietly, still.
She had her arm either like on my shoulder or on my arm. She didn't start telling
me all these things I needed to do or start lecturing me or making me feel less than or awkward.
She just sat there, comforting, quiet, supportive, listening.
(09:32):
Listening and somewhere in my ramblings
I do remember hearing her voice
say to me in the simplest way I want
to help you what can I do and in that moment I couldn't necessarily articulate
what that help was or what I
(09:54):
needed and I think I might have even said something to this effect to her.
But her response was brilliant because she said to me, you know what, that's okay.
Let me just sit with you for a while.
And so began, I think, really at that moment, a true understanding and appreciation of,
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this idea of literally or figuratively
sitting with someone when they are going through
a tough chapter and how much
we may underestimate how
important that can actually be and
that at those times to really show up genuinely for someone in our inner circle
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it actually may require us to be
still to be quiet to simply listen to not lecture or throw advice or throw,
unnecessary positivity at someone, no father or mother knows best approach.
We may really just need to see that person and to hear them in their moment of struggle.
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Not flinch, not turn away, not judge, not dismiss with the.
Let me know what you need or it'll all be okay. Don't worry about it.
Really just be super present as if we were sitting on the bench with them in a park.
(11:32):
In this case, we literally were sitting side by side out in,
I think it was left field in the Mariners game.
And this has made me really double down on the concept of firewalkers, right? Right.
The people that do what Sarah did for me or at a previous time in my life,
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I remember Calico doing it.
And again, I'm not trying to, I feel like I should say this,
this is not sort of a ranking of friendships.
It's more of a ranking of moments in my life when I clearly remember some friends
doing a type of support for me that I might not have experienced before and
(12:15):
how it's shaped me going forward since then.
And it is true, or it has been true,
at least in my inner circle, that nine out of ten times, these folks who are
willing to walk through all of our life fires with us are going to be the ones
that do something like this.
(12:36):
We talked about fire walkers in our walk through the fire episode.
If you have not seen or listened to that one, go ahead and listen to it.
It's something that I really believe very strongly.
And that episode has also resonated with many of you.
These folks are are sort of
salt of the earth people and they are they are not going
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to flinch at the things that are difficult or
scary or dark or all of the above they they tend to not be afraid to show up
for us in our struggle and our
challenge and i have found more often than not The reason this is true,
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at least as I say and share from my perspective,
is because they have also gone through something similar and they have had to
have or ask for or embrace a type of support like this for themselves,
which then also influences how they continue to show up for others.
(13:41):
So I reflect back on this particular moment with Sarah often,
and I didn't know it actually at the time that even though she had asked me, how can I help?
And I was not in a place to be able to articulate that.
She had also started quietly thinking of ways to help me, and she did it on
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her own with and through this very present-in-the-moment, sitting-on-the-bench, gentle approach,
and not what sometimes can be seen as...
Nowadays, we call this a toxically positive approach,
which can be when people, even who have the best of intentions and care a lot
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about us, they keep saying,
it'll be fine, you know what, look on the bright side, cheer up, it's not that bad.
It's sort of that overly rosy kind of talk, which can tend to lead those of
us in the struggle to suppress those feelings of difficulty.
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And it may actually not allow us who are going through something hard or challenging
to be able to really release and process what we are going through because we're
hiding behind what is called this positive facade,
which really isn't true and isn't genuine to how we are feeling in the moment.
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And this can sometimes come from people that are very close to us,
and it's because maybe they don't understand or they've never had to support
someone who really needs a different kind of support.
And so they're doing what they know, but sadly, it may not be the right way
to approach being there for that person.
And in Sarah's case, and in this particular moment, I remember that she was
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asking if it would be okay if she called some people for me to book some appointments
or if she could pick some stuff up for me.
And it was really in that moment, a type of friendship support that was so powerful
And so impactful and genuine.
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And I did so appreciate that the onus was not on me, the person going through
the toughness and the struggle.
To define the help because I was in a state of mind where I really couldn't articulate that.
We talked about that too in our Walking Through the Fire episode.
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Sometimes when you say to someone, let me know what you need,
they don't even know what they need. So how are they going to tell you that?
And I did seriously appreciate how much she stayed away from what we would call
all toxically positive.
She just saw me, she heard me, she was willing to be present,
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tears and all, and really allowed me to be okay not being okay.
And it's made me think about how and when was the last time that someone in
our inner circle showed up and heard us, saw us,
that really sat with us on that bench that really was just the voice on the other end of the line.
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They were not telling us what to do or how to do it or, you know,
just to buck up and be positive,
but instead they were just reassuring us that they were there in the moment
to sit with us and go through it,
whatever it is and it's
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also made me really reflect on how tempting
it can sometimes be to want to jump in and
start offering all sorts of ways
to help someone to do xyz or
abc and it can maybe even be overwhelming to
that person again because sometimes they aren't quite there They don't know
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what it is or it can just seem as if all of this is coming at them in a place
where they can't process and they can't quite get to that level of accepting what's coming to them.
But they might, just not right then. And as our good friend Colleen has said.
You know, it's important to remember we are really all walking wounded and we
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all have something that's going on underneath our surfaces that shapes how we
react to the challenges of our path and the people in our in our life.
And I think it's important to remember that we can't always assume that we think
someone should do something because we think they should.
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Versus what is actually best for them.
And I also think we can't assume that someone in a really low moment will be
able to articulate what they need.
So we have to be mindful, I think, not to bombard folks in those tougher moments
with, it'll be fine, you'll be better soon, don't worry about it, everything works out.
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Because depending on how that hits the person and where they are at in their
level of processing, that could maybe do more harm than good.
Even if that is coming from a really good place, someone really close to us,
someone that we really love and the intent is good.
It can at times, I think, land shallow for someone in the throes of struggle.
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And so I share this because I can't tell you how many times I do continue,
even today, to think back on this moment with Sarah, how that has actually influenced
how I think about showing up for people.
Her quiet show of support in that moment really did have an important and significant
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impact both then and now.
And really to have this concept be very important.
I think how I carry myself with those in my inner circle is really sometimes
we just need to sit on the bench.
We don't need to tell them anything. We don't need to say anything.
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They just need to know we are there. They just need to know we are listening.
They need to know they're not alone.
They need to know we aren't going anywhere. And if the time comes,
we support them in the way that does not put the onus on them to define.
(20:54):
We simply hold that space in that moment literally or figuratively for both
them and for us from the bench.
So there you have it. But if you have had this happen to you or you have had
a friend support you in this kind of way, I'd love to hear about it.
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Feel free to share that story because I do think it's a beautiful way to think
about friendship in a quiet, still, listening, be present, see and hear kind of way.
And with that, I ask you as always to be kind to yourself.
Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
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And I will see you next time.
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