May 15, 2024 • 35 mins
In this deeply personal and engaging episode, Aaron, a member of Cocaine Anonymous, shares the struggles, triumphs, and revelatory moments of his journey towards sobriety. Through humorous anecdotes and tales of profound self-discovery, he demystifies the complex world of addiction recovery.
Aaron's narrative elegantly traces his path through the twelve steps of recovery, showing the potent transformative power of honesty, acceptance, faith, and love in overcoming addiction. The episode also delves into the often-overlooked intersection of addiction and mental health, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging and addressing interrelated mental conditions as part of the recovery.
Reflecting upon the hard yet rewarding recovery path, Aaron underscores the power of love, support, and understanding. Unwrapped in raw emotion, his story resonates with anyone battling addiction, assuring them they are not alone in their fight. With an emphasis on self-forgiveness and acceptance, Aaron's journey serves as a beacon of hope for those looking to reclaim their life from the addiction's grip.
This heart-wrenching and victorious tale is both a testament to Aaron's resilience and an insightful discursion into the supportive world of Cocaine Anonymous, providing invaluable lessons for those walking a similar path or seeking to understand the challenges of overcoming substance abuse.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Or anonymous thank you my name is aaron i'm a grateful member of many anonymous
and this is cocaine anonymous first i want to thank jenny and i want to thank
nick i always get a laugh at,
(00:21):
having the experience of watching them grow but first i want to back up a little
bit and i want to thank the creator,
I want to thank my ancestors for allowing us to have a space where we can come and be ourselves.
(00:42):
I'm liking any room where we can get together as a room where we can come and
get our shit together sometimes for the first time in our life,
but i want to go back to thinking nick and jenny jenny thank you for,
(01:03):
having conversation and having me laugh the other day and nick having me laugh you know,
it's no greater joy you know i remember i'm going to tell on nick right,
nick come to me talking about start a meeting start i want to start a meeting
i want to start the meeting but what i enjoy about nick if you listen long enough
(01:24):
he'll tell you but i don't know how i mean i think i'm gonna get jenny right
and uh i remember when they started this meeting.
And Jenny had a family matter to attend to. I'm talking to Nick.
And Nick said, God damn it, Aaron, that damn Jenny. She know I don't know the rest.
(01:49):
You know, it's a joy when we, as adults, have somebody to tell about,
to tell when we feel vulnerable.
And then nick said um i forget
the other lady she ain't here now well i'm gonna see if
she come right uh i forget her name
(02:12):
right uh and uh she came
and the beauty is if y'all don't know nick nick nick could throw a nutty on
our ass in a minute right he like us one minute next minute fuck us right and
uh why nick was in oh she trying to take control i'd have to tell nick Nope, you asked her to come,
(02:33):
right, to support you and Jenny.
And, you know, being able to be a part of that and see that,
yeah, back, yeah, it's an honor.
And I hope those of y'all that's here, I see an Amber, an Angie, a Gabriela, a Ginger,
you know, who else I see here, a Lindsey, and David, and Tracy, and Lisa.
(02:59):
Lisa, you know, I hope you all find.
A place inside yourself where you
choose to fit in i remember when i met jenny
you know forgive me for this long introduction right i'm
gonna go out let me go let me do with nick first i remember when i
met nick right and my
(03:22):
sponsor called me and say come to this meeting i'm not going to mention that
meeting because they tripping on the traditions talking about Picking somebody
out for life And I came and it was Nick And I love going in breakout rooms I love listening you know,
And Nick Was in the breakout room And the reason they wanted him out Is because
(03:46):
a lot of those people They wasn't through Drinking and using and Nick,
He had a pot Y'all Let me tell y'all That nigga had a pot And he was cooking
him up some shit right and he was taking full pulls and so I say to Nick I say hey,
(04:07):
you must be through smoking and he say why I say cause all that smoke you blew
out if that was me I'd be talking about,
laughing laughing.
And uh he told me and my sponsor y'all can see we different colors right he say,
(04:27):
y'all ain't welcome here get out of here right And we told him,
no, we can't leave. You made us responsible.
You made us responsible. You know, we gave him our meeting ID. We welcomed him.
And then we laughed with him and told him.
(04:47):
We ain't never seen.
Nobody getting high in a meeting. But then came Nick.
You know, and. we told him the truth. You may know the big book bigger than us.
So we was able to get him to go to his big book.
(05:12):
And now I need to let y'all know, like Dr.
Bob, when Bill was talking to him, Nick was the same.
Nick was, you know, he was under the influence.
And we still talk with him.
And he went through the third step prayer.
(05:34):
And we watch him continue to try and try and try.
And he keep trying. see the big book is a win-win situation yo the big book
is a win-win situation the information is a win-win situation it said 50 got
it who really tried the first time well i need to let y'all know y'all might
(05:55):
be like me i ain't amongst the first tryers.
But then it said 25 got it
after having some experiences but it has even
better notes it said in the other 25%
Natalie continue to make progress and what
it guides me to is to be available
(06:18):
y'all to celebrate each other's wins you know always remember nothing gets big
just out of the back it starts small right now Jenny I remember when Jenny came in And finally,
I was taking people through the steps.
(06:41):
So I like using the short version, I mean, back to basic version first,
because it gives us some kind of understanding of what to expect.
And anybody I ever take through the steps at this particular meeting,
I had to tell them, I say, there is an errand campaign going on.
(07:02):
I hope you don't get caught up in it. Right.
And I couldn't tell them because it's something you literally have to experience.
And I'm glad people don't have to experience it no more.
And Shona, she had to go through it. And so did many, many others.
(07:25):
And I need to tell y'all a couple of years ago, I think it was last year or
whenever, I was at a CA convention out here in California.
And this particular group had made a decision that they wanted me to go to every
website and take down every one of my recordings, anything dealing with recovery,
(07:46):
and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
And, of course, I know what my purpose is.
And so I say, well, I'm going to leave them alone.
But I share it with people. I say, listen, I'm only talking about step one, y'all.
If y'all can understand where I'm at. If not, I'm only talking about step one.
(08:07):
I say, when I leave them alone, and I encourage Nick. But Nick like to nag people.
I say, Nick, stop going over there. But Nick will go over there in a minute.
And he know how to piss people off. He'll log into their meeting and he'll say
something like, yeah, I'm on the phone with my friend Aaron G.
(08:28):
Because he knows they don't like me.
Nick can be an antagonist at times. But it's all in understanding that I have to be honest.
And everybody I had worked with on that particular meeting, I told them there
is an Aaron campaign and you might get caught up in it.
(08:51):
I made sure I let each one of them know And the beauty about letting them know
Do you know how many of them I'm going to say y'all Because Jenny is one of
them That it has been an honor.
To watch them help you grow up some more.
(09:13):
Because that's what this is all about. I have a thing to say.
I wouldn't care how bad a person did you in your according to our perception,
because the big book tells me Aaron.
Why don't you apply these principles to your point of view?
Because see my point of view, right?
(09:36):
Ain't it? I hope you hear me. Jenny, I hope you hear me. Angie,
I hope you hear me. Natalie and everybody on the call, I hope you hear me.
My point of view will cause me to have a bad relationship with you.
Notice, it ain't you. It's my point of view.
My point of view will have me where I won't be able to make a living.
(10:02):
My point of view. See, see, see, I'm only talking about unmanageability that dwells within us.
I'm going to keep it on me. That dwells within me. I hope you find out why you're here.
The big book talks about an unmanageability that is present before we act out.
(10:26):
Let's say for Nick, a pretty girl come along. long, God forbid,
any one of y'all don't be playing with Nick and tell him, ooh, you handsome.
You immediately his girlfriend.
Because he going to believe you. However, we can turn around and tell you, ooh, you so attractive.
(10:49):
And then what happened if your self-talk say you not, then that's your point of view.
I'm glad you all have created a safe space, you know.
Thank God to Jenny and Nick because they just wanted something different.
(11:09):
They wanted a space where they could just take others through the work.
They wanted a space to where they can show others that they too want to be loved, appreciated.
They want to belong and be a part of.
That's how this meeting started and every now and then you got some stragglers
(11:34):
from that other meeting that'll come and be disruptive that's okay let them be disruptive,
right and do your best not to follow them,
you know be good to yourself you know now let me talk about these principles
(11:55):
that they ask us to learn and then learn to live.
Because we are in a program of action.
Did you know that if you look up the word love, it's a verb?
It's an action?
(12:18):
So I say that because whether y'all know it or not, Indirectly,
Nick and Jenny created a space of love.
Because it's an action. Love is an action. It's a bird.
(12:39):
And we can come over here and we can be, to the best of our abilities,
good to ourselves and to our fellow mates.
I like to give back to this principle called honesty.
(12:59):
I like it but I need to be honest with you it hurts sometimes you know when
I take people through the work and we get to step four.
Where we're doing an inventory,
the beautiful thing about inventory whether you guys know it or not every day
(13:23):
of our life we inventory inventory.
Whether we're lying, cheating, stealing, conniving, or putting shit off, that's an inventory.
But I like how they said, Aaron, we're going to deal with resentments first
because it is the number one offender.
(13:45):
So I used to be mad at my mom. I used to be mad at my brothers because my mom
and my brother seemed like they had a bright ass idea when I was nine years
old but I'm so glad that somebody was here before me because when I had them on my list why you mad,
because they let me start selling drugs at the age of nine they gave me a pistol
(14:08):
and I used it at the age of nine didn't they know better,
now watch this Jenny watch this Nick watch this Natalie watch this Amy look now I'm old Right,
I'm older Now here's the part I play I'm older And I'm still picking up drugs and pistols,
(14:30):
But it ain't got shit to do with them.
Right? So now I see the part I play, and then y'all ask me some crazy questions.
Matter of fact, you asked me seven of them. I'm sitting down with Nick and Jenny,
and they say, well, Aaron, what part you playing?
Y'all know the automatic response of a dope fiend. I ain't playing no part.
(14:55):
Wait, hold up. You mad at mom and your bruh, right? Yeah.
At what age was that? Nine. How old is you? 60. So you still holding on that
shit? Yeah. For how long?
51 years. Okay, that's the part you play, motherfucker.
I don't want to be in a relationship with you because you hold on to shit too long.
(15:18):
But it wasn't until they got to the part I played, right?
No, not the part I played, but how it affected me.
So Aaron, how does holding on to that stuff affect your self-esteem?
Where I'm still operating off a child's mentality.
(15:39):
That's why that other group to heal the child is real important.
You know, all of us, no matter where we at, we used to say something like,
me, myself, and I. Me, myself, and I. Well, I figured out who me and myself is.
Right? Me is that child.
Myself is that adolescent. I is my fucking ego that keeps saying,
(16:03):
don't let it go.
You know what I mean I the ego in me said,
I'll show them and it do make sense what y'all told me Nick and Jenny told me Aaron does it make sense,
that you actually think in your brain
(16:24):
when you tell me I'll show
you that you finna drink and use the poison and you do you think it's gonna
hurt me it's gonna hurt me emotionally to watch you fuck yourself up right but
not the physical effect as you know we looking at you saying boy if he don't stop,
(16:46):
you know kind of like nick sometime and nick's over in the month but we'll be
like oh ooh, I got to block him for a while. You know what I mean?
And so step two, after I see how my life has been affected, y'all ask me that
simple question like, what can you do different?
(17:06):
Now I begin to tell the truth more.
Right? About what I suffer from. And I suffer from this incurable thing called unmanageability.
If you be a real addict like me, you might have what I got.
(17:28):
Andrew, you know what I got? I got a disease called all of a sudden.
Look, all of a sudden, I'm back messing with that toxic stuff. All of a sudden.
I ignore, as Nick and Jenny was talking about in the beginning of the meeting,
(17:53):
I ignored them check engine signs.
Till now, the check engine light just stay on.
Damn. Oh, let me tell you, boy. My check engine light didn't come on the other day, Jenny.
That motherfucker showed up and my back just locked up.
And I just, I couldn't even laugh like I'm laughing now. It hurted.
(18:18):
I mean, it hurted. I'm like pain level 22.
Right? But then I accepted the fact that I have a degenerative back disorder.
And my head said, shit, I need to go to the hospital so I can see.
Anything crack up in there? My head was gone, boy. And I said,
(18:39):
no, I'm going to take these painkillers.
I even missed out. I was in so much pain.
And the next morning, my wife was like, you doing any better?
Because I came to massage your back, put some medicine on your back,
and I wanted to laugh. Damn, I missed out.
I was in pain. I got in one position and didn't move.
(19:02):
See, I'm talking about step two now. There was still hope because y'all told
me that when you don't know what to do, don't do nothing.
So when that pain came, I liked to move around, but I didn't.
See, I didn't because I remember y'all telling me.
(19:25):
To come up with an ideal of a power greater than me.
And as I sat in that bed, Ginger, as I sat in that bed, I say another thing.
See, because that's one of my ideals of a power greater than me. Creator. Ops.
Right? I say, do with me as you will.
(19:51):
Relieve me of me.
Because for that moment I had
to endure that pain and I didn't mind enduring it you know I did not mind,
reflecting on some of those things that I've done to me.
(20:21):
If you be new if you be old if you be in between, I can only ask you to consider dancing with somebody.
You ain't got to dance with everybody, but dance with somebody.
(20:43):
So when we have to do what the big book calls the fifth step,
see, the big book tells us, it don't say the word sponsor, but it tells us the
type of people Nick to hang out with.
It says something like an understanding friend.
(21:03):
It says something like a closed mouth individual.
It says something like a pastor or a priest, a husband or a wife.
It gives clear cut instruction.
Why because this is a life and death errand.
(21:28):
Our halo is on the line,
when we woke and as Jenny was sharing with us sometimes even in our sleep our halo is on the line,
and the good thing about it ain't no breaks so if you think you gonna miss something,
(21:49):
don't miss putting your seatbelt on cause this road get a little rocky,
this road get a little rocky man it gets rocky,
but i can tell you that you guys taught me that i'm a nun,
(22:11):
y'all taught me that if i use these principles in my life then I will have something
to combat the personalities within me.
See, it's those personalities within me that bring about unmanageability.
(22:44):
See, the book tells me to make three decisions, step one, two, and three.
And that decision in step two is to come up with an ideal level power that'll
sustain me, that'll empower me.
(23:04):
And three, I call on that power and it tells me what to do immediately afterwards.
It says, continue, right?
Don't wait, get right into the inventory.
So step one, two, and three is about the power.
(23:25):
The inventory is the beginning of action.
Then there's more action after that action because now I need to tell somebody.
I done told the power about the exact nature of my wrongs, but now I need to tell somebody.
I need to be accountable to somebody, keyword body, human being.
(23:50):
Then in six, I get ready to go back to that power because in the third step
prayer, right, it wasn't a period on it.
So in step 7 where there is a period I turn it over all of it all of what I've
(24:12):
discovered and uncovered and I'm ready to discard it give it to this power,
because I ask this power look relieve me of the bondage of me take away my difficulties
I found them difficulties in step 4 more.
(24:34):
Let me bear witness to your power.
Then I write another list.
But this time, this particular list is different than the first one.
Because in my step eight list, I'm writing down the types of amends.
(25:02):
No I'm not finna go to Nick and tell Nick man I was with your girl I'm not doing
it I love my life you know what I mean I'm not doing it somebody else might
do that shit but I ain't doing it,
why because the instructions is I'm gonna make amends wherever possible except,
(25:23):
when to do so will injure them or others an amends shouldn't be something that's
going to cause harm it should be a relief,
see in step 8 I'm looking at the types of amends some are going to be direct face to face,
(25:46):
some I ain't even supposed to even go fuck with them people no more they become
a living amends some are going to be letters some are going to be gravesigns
some are going to be financial Notchum.
Then here come that word continue again. I'm in step 10 after I've made all my amends.
(26:11):
Except when the do so would injure them others.
Then come that word continue again.
Continue to do what? Four through nine.
Because in 10, when something crop up, I go to the power. And that's the power
to forgive me and to remove this.
(26:32):
Because I understand I got unmanageability that lives in me.
After I asked the power to relieve me, I don't call Karen.
I don't call Jenny. I don't call Nick. I don't call Natalie.
I don't call Angie. I call the power, right?
Hey, Pops, come on, man. I done did it again.
(26:59):
I done pissed Nick off again. I didn't mean that, man. Help me out. I need help.
I need you to talk to his heart and I talk to my heart, man.
We done blocked each other again.
All right. And after I get through dealing with Pops, he tell me go talk to somebody.
(27:22):
That's why you gotta dance with somebody, y'all. Go talk to somebody,
wholeheartedly. Not that bullshit where we be hiding and beating around the fucking bush.
Oh, hardly. Because I'm looking for something.
I'm looking for A. In this conversation, did I offend Nick? Did I offend Karen?
(27:45):
Did I offend Ginger? Did I offend Lucy? Did I offend Natalie? Did I offend?
Because now, I'm not going to wait 51 years to make an amends.
The instructions is to make an amends promptly.
So I need to be able to listen to someone. Plus, I'm being disciplined.
(28:07):
It says only God can discipline us because we're undisciplined people.
I need God to discipline me.
And he's going to discipline me with step one, with honesty,
because if Natalie cares anything about me, Nick cares anything about me,
they're going to tell me the truth.
Wait, if I was in them shoes, I would be offended like a motherfucker.
(28:28):
You sarcastic ass such and such. But sarcasm is a harm.
At least in my list it was. Right? Then after I received that information, I have to act on it.
And the instructions after acting on it, making amends promptly,
it said go work with somebody.
(28:50):
It said go work with somebody. Why? Because immunity is found in the 12th step.
What makes us good therapists and counselors is we've been through this here.
Now, before I go to sleep, the instructions in 10 is to review my day.
(29:18):
And as I'm reviewing my day, I get to go into step 11, right?
Into prayer and meditation. Asking only for his knowledge and the power to carry
it out. Not the personality, Nick.
Not the personality, Angie. Not the personality, Junior. but the power,
(29:42):
see I need this power to stay away from that fix it drug appeal now,
let's put some people and places inside of the fix it drug appeal I need some
power to stay away from that toxic man or woman I need some power to say no,
I need some power to say not today I need power,
(30:07):
cause something happened if you're a real addict like me something happened to my willpower,
you talking about willpower shit is that Aaron coming off the liquor board.
Is that the dope man dropping him off one probably when I'm in willpower cause my will will tell me,
(30:33):
don't tell nobody body.
You can do it. My willpower tell me shit like, celebrate.
You earned it. This way of life is not no damn academic exercise.
(30:55):
It's not an academic exercise. This is not a class. My life is on the line.
17 and a half years later my life's still on the line.
So if you be new, welcome. If you be old or in between, welcome.
(31:19):
Thank you.
Thank you. If I can ask you to consider something, consider that you are actually enough.
Consider that you are actually worthy.
Consider that the love you've been looking for, you've been walking it around all alone.
(31:44):
Consider becoming comfortable in your own skin.
Consider appreciating every little win that you have.
Consider appreciating you just the way you is.
(32:05):
I'm just asking you to consider it. Because I'm real clear that when I see something
as a big deal, I'm learning to see that it started small.
I'm about to take up crocheting and knitting and some kind of art right you
(32:29):
know i've been like a kid i go to 99 cents to buy me a color book and crayons,
they they call that art therapy i should have been doing it for a long time,
so find those little things that matter and remember to keep doing it,
(32:52):
now i'm going to switch to real before i close the mental health,
mental health shouldn't be no taboo because i know y'all should know by now,
that we got psychopaths sociopaths and narcissists running the world so how
in the hell we not affected.
Come on y'all as one of my friends say call
(33:15):
somebody right so i'm
gonna be the first to confess you know what i mean i got mental now watch what
i'm about to say y'all i got mental illnesses so when one of them pop up you
know how you help me out if i'm any around you jenny if I'm around you, Angie, Nick, Natalie,
(33:37):
and whoever else on the line, Ginger,
just look at me and say, Aaron, you having an episode?
So I could get into step one and say, yeah, I think so.
And what I can tell you about mental illness is as we get better,
(33:58):
we will do something together.
We'll laugh at each other. I have a gentleman that he wanted to get out of the mafia, y'all.
He didn't want to gangbang sell drugs no more. You know what God did for him?
(34:19):
He gave him a heart attack. He gave him a brain aneurysm.
He locked him down for about, I think he said two weeks.
And they said meningitis in the brain. Said he wasn't going to be able to walk, Nick, and all that.
Man, that man is walking around screaming from the mountaintop that there is a God and it ain't him.
(34:47):
So I got a question for y'all as I close are you willing to follow some simple instructions,
that will when you hear the word will in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous
it's a promise change your life beyond your imagination my name is Aaron and
(35:11):
I'm just a grateful member of Cocaine Anonymous.
Again, I want to thank Nick. I want to thank Jenny for demonstrating love by starting this meeting.
I want to thank those of y'all who are continuing to keep this meeting going.
(35:32):
I appreciate you. Know that you matter.
Know that you are enough. Know that you're loved and know that you belong.
My name is Aaron, and I'm just a grateful member of Cocaine Anonymous.
Thank y'all for letting me share.
Or anonymous thank you my name is aaron i'm a grateful member of many anonymous
and this is cocaine anonymous first i want to thank jenny and i want to thank
nick i always get a laugh at,
(00:21):
having the experience of watching them grow but first i want to back up a little
bit and i want to thank the creator,
I want to thank my ancestors for allowing us to have a space where we can come and be ourselves.
(00:42):
I'm liking any room where we can get together as a room where we can come and
get our shit together sometimes for the first time in our life,
but i want to go back to thinking nick and jenny jenny thank you for,
(01:03):
having conversation and having me laugh the other day and nick having me laugh you know,
it's no greater joy you know i remember i'm going to tell on nick right,
nick come to me talking about start a meeting start i want to start a meeting
i want to start the meeting but what i enjoy about nick if you listen long enough
(01:24):
he'll tell you but i don't know how i mean i think i'm gonna get jenny right
and uh i remember when they started this meeting.
And Jenny had a family matter to attend to. I'm talking to Nick.
And Nick said, God damn it, Aaron, that damn Jenny. She know I don't know the rest.
(01:49):
You know, it's a joy when we, as adults, have somebody to tell about,
to tell when we feel vulnerable.
And then nick said um i forget
the other lady she ain't here now well i'm gonna see if
she come right uh i forget her name
(02:12):
right uh and uh she came
and the beauty is if y'all don't know nick nick nick could throw a nutty on
our ass in a minute right he like us one minute next minute fuck us right and
uh why nick was in oh she trying to take control i'd have to tell nick Nope, you asked her to come,
(02:33):
right, to support you and Jenny.
And, you know, being able to be a part of that and see that,
yeah, back, yeah, it's an honor.
And I hope those of y'all that's here, I see an Amber, an Angie, a Gabriela, a Ginger,
you know, who else I see here, a Lindsey, and David, and Tracy, and Lisa.
(02:59):
Lisa, you know, I hope you all find.
A place inside yourself where you
choose to fit in i remember when i met jenny
you know forgive me for this long introduction right i'm
gonna go out let me go let me do with nick first i remember when i
met nick right and my
(03:22):
sponsor called me and say come to this meeting i'm not going to mention that
meeting because they tripping on the traditions talking about Picking somebody
out for life And I came and it was Nick And I love going in breakout rooms I love listening you know,
And Nick Was in the breakout room And the reason they wanted him out Is because
(03:46):
a lot of those people They wasn't through Drinking and using and Nick,
He had a pot Y'all Let me tell y'all That nigga had a pot And he was cooking
him up some shit right and he was taking full pulls and so I say to Nick I say hey,
(04:07):
you must be through smoking and he say why I say cause all that smoke you blew
out if that was me I'd be talking about,
laughing laughing.
And uh he told me and my sponsor y'all can see we different colors right he say,
(04:27):
y'all ain't welcome here get out of here right And we told him,
no, we can't leave. You made us responsible.
You made us responsible. You know, we gave him our meeting ID. We welcomed him.
And then we laughed with him and told him.
(04:47):
We ain't never seen.
Nobody getting high in a meeting. But then came Nick.
You know, and. we told him the truth. You may know the big book bigger than us.
So we was able to get him to go to his big book.
(05:12):
And now I need to let y'all know, like Dr.
Bob, when Bill was talking to him, Nick was the same.
Nick was, you know, he was under the influence.
And we still talk with him.
And he went through the third step prayer.
(05:34):
And we watch him continue to try and try and try.
And he keep trying. see the big book is a win-win situation yo the big book
is a win-win situation the information is a win-win situation it said 50 got
it who really tried the first time well i need to let y'all know y'all might
(05:55):
be like me i ain't amongst the first tryers.
But then it said 25 got it
after having some experiences but it has even
better notes it said in the other 25%
Natalie continue to make progress and what
it guides me to is to be available
(06:18):
y'all to celebrate each other's wins you know always remember nothing gets big
just out of the back it starts small right now Jenny I remember when Jenny came in And finally,
I was taking people through the steps.
(06:41):
So I like using the short version, I mean, back to basic version first,
because it gives us some kind of understanding of what to expect.
And anybody I ever take through the steps at this particular meeting,
I had to tell them, I say, there is an errand campaign going on.
(07:02):
I hope you don't get caught up in it. Right.
And I couldn't tell them because it's something you literally have to experience.
And I'm glad people don't have to experience it no more.
And Shona, she had to go through it. And so did many, many others.
(07:25):
And I need to tell y'all a couple of years ago, I think it was last year or
whenever, I was at a CA convention out here in California.
And this particular group had made a decision that they wanted me to go to every
website and take down every one of my recordings, anything dealing with recovery,
(07:46):
and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
And, of course, I know what my purpose is.
And so I say, well, I'm going to leave them alone.
But I share it with people. I say, listen, I'm only talking about step one, y'all.
If y'all can understand where I'm at. If not, I'm only talking about step one.
(08:07):
I say, when I leave them alone, and I encourage Nick. But Nick like to nag people.
I say, Nick, stop going over there. But Nick will go over there in a minute.
And he know how to piss people off. He'll log into their meeting and he'll say
something like, yeah, I'm on the phone with my friend Aaron G.
(08:28):
Because he knows they don't like me.
Nick can be an antagonist at times. But it's all in understanding that I have to be honest.
And everybody I had worked with on that particular meeting, I told them there
is an Aaron campaign and you might get caught up in it.
(08:51):
I made sure I let each one of them know And the beauty about letting them know
Do you know how many of them I'm going to say y'all Because Jenny is one of
them That it has been an honor.
To watch them help you grow up some more.
(09:13):
Because that's what this is all about. I have a thing to say.
I wouldn't care how bad a person did you in your according to our perception,
because the big book tells me Aaron.
Why don't you apply these principles to your point of view?
Because see my point of view, right?
(09:36):
Ain't it? I hope you hear me. Jenny, I hope you hear me. Angie,
I hope you hear me. Natalie and everybody on the call, I hope you hear me.
My point of view will cause me to have a bad relationship with you.
Notice, it ain't you. It's my point of view.
My point of view will have me where I won't be able to make a living.
(10:02):
My point of view. See, see, see, I'm only talking about unmanageability that dwells within us.
I'm going to keep it on me. That dwells within me. I hope you find out why you're here.
The big book talks about an unmanageability that is present before we act out.
(10:26):
Let's say for Nick, a pretty girl come along. long, God forbid,
any one of y'all don't be playing with Nick and tell him, ooh, you handsome.
You immediately his girlfriend.
Because he going to believe you. However, we can turn around and tell you, ooh, you so attractive.
(10:49):
And then what happened if your self-talk say you not, then that's your point of view.
I'm glad you all have created a safe space, you know.
Thank God to Jenny and Nick because they just wanted something different.
(11:09):
They wanted a space where they could just take others through the work.
They wanted a space to where they can show others that they too want to be loved, appreciated.
They want to belong and be a part of.
That's how this meeting started and every now and then you got some stragglers
(11:34):
from that other meeting that'll come and be disruptive that's okay let them be disruptive,
right and do your best not to follow them,
you know be good to yourself you know now let me talk about these principles
(11:55):
that they ask us to learn and then learn to live.
Because we are in a program of action.
Did you know that if you look up the word love, it's a verb?
It's an action?
(12:18):
So I say that because whether y'all know it or not, Indirectly,
Nick and Jenny created a space of love.
Because it's an action. Love is an action. It's a bird.
(12:39):
And we can come over here and we can be, to the best of our abilities,
good to ourselves and to our fellow mates.
I like to give back to this principle called honesty.
(12:59):
I like it but I need to be honest with you it hurts sometimes you know when
I take people through the work and we get to step four.
Where we're doing an inventory,
the beautiful thing about inventory whether you guys know it or not every day
(13:23):
of our life we inventory inventory.
Whether we're lying, cheating, stealing, conniving, or putting shit off, that's an inventory.
But I like how they said, Aaron, we're going to deal with resentments first
because it is the number one offender.
(13:45):
So I used to be mad at my mom. I used to be mad at my brothers because my mom
and my brother seemed like they had a bright ass idea when I was nine years
old but I'm so glad that somebody was here before me because when I had them on my list why you mad,
because they let me start selling drugs at the age of nine they gave me a pistol
(14:08):
and I used it at the age of nine didn't they know better,
now watch this Jenny watch this Nick watch this Natalie watch this Amy look now I'm old Right,
I'm older Now here's the part I play I'm older And I'm still picking up drugs and pistols,
(14:30):
But it ain't got shit to do with them.
Right? So now I see the part I play, and then y'all ask me some crazy questions.
Matter of fact, you asked me seven of them. I'm sitting down with Nick and Jenny,
and they say, well, Aaron, what part you playing?
Y'all know the automatic response of a dope fiend. I ain't playing no part.
(14:55):
Wait, hold up. You mad at mom and your bruh, right? Yeah.
At what age was that? Nine. How old is you? 60. So you still holding on that
shit? Yeah. For how long?
51 years. Okay, that's the part you play, motherfucker.
I don't want to be in a relationship with you because you hold on to shit too long.
(15:18):
But it wasn't until they got to the part I played, right?
No, not the part I played, but how it affected me.
So Aaron, how does holding on to that stuff affect your self-esteem?
Where I'm still operating off a child's mentality.
(15:39):
That's why that other group to heal the child is real important.
You know, all of us, no matter where we at, we used to say something like,
me, myself, and I. Me, myself, and I. Well, I figured out who me and myself is.
Right? Me is that child.
Myself is that adolescent. I is my fucking ego that keeps saying,
(16:03):
don't let it go.
You know what I mean I the ego in me said,
I'll show them and it do make sense what y'all told me Nick and Jenny told me Aaron does it make sense,
that you actually think in your brain
(16:24):
when you tell me I'll show
you that you finna drink and use the poison and you do you think it's gonna
hurt me it's gonna hurt me emotionally to watch you fuck yourself up right but
not the physical effect as you know we looking at you saying boy if he don't stop,
(16:46):
you know kind of like nick sometime and nick's over in the month but we'll be
like oh ooh, I got to block him for a while. You know what I mean?
And so step two, after I see how my life has been affected, y'all ask me that
simple question like, what can you do different?
(17:06):
Now I begin to tell the truth more.
Right? About what I suffer from. And I suffer from this incurable thing called unmanageability.
If you be a real addict like me, you might have what I got.
(17:28):
Andrew, you know what I got? I got a disease called all of a sudden.
Look, all of a sudden, I'm back messing with that toxic stuff. All of a sudden.
I ignore, as Nick and Jenny was talking about in the beginning of the meeting,
(17:53):
I ignored them check engine signs.
Till now, the check engine light just stay on.
Damn. Oh, let me tell you, boy. My check engine light didn't come on the other day, Jenny.
That motherfucker showed up and my back just locked up.
And I just, I couldn't even laugh like I'm laughing now. It hurted.
(18:18):
I mean, it hurted. I'm like pain level 22.
Right? But then I accepted the fact that I have a degenerative back disorder.
And my head said, shit, I need to go to the hospital so I can see.
Anything crack up in there? My head was gone, boy. And I said,
(18:39):
no, I'm going to take these painkillers.
I even missed out. I was in so much pain.
And the next morning, my wife was like, you doing any better?
Because I came to massage your back, put some medicine on your back,
and I wanted to laugh. Damn, I missed out.
I was in pain. I got in one position and didn't move.
(19:02):
See, I'm talking about step two now. There was still hope because y'all told
me that when you don't know what to do, don't do nothing.
So when that pain came, I liked to move around, but I didn't.
See, I didn't because I remember y'all telling me.
(19:25):
To come up with an ideal of a power greater than me.
And as I sat in that bed, Ginger, as I sat in that bed, I say another thing.
See, because that's one of my ideals of a power greater than me. Creator. Ops.
Right? I say, do with me as you will.
(19:51):
Relieve me of me.
Because for that moment I had
to endure that pain and I didn't mind enduring it you know I did not mind,
reflecting on some of those things that I've done to me.
(20:21):
If you be new if you be old if you be in between, I can only ask you to consider dancing with somebody.
You ain't got to dance with everybody, but dance with somebody.
(20:43):
So when we have to do what the big book calls the fifth step,
see, the big book tells us, it don't say the word sponsor, but it tells us the
type of people Nick to hang out with.
It says something like an understanding friend.
(21:03):
It says something like a closed mouth individual.
It says something like a pastor or a priest, a husband or a wife.
It gives clear cut instruction.
Why because this is a life and death errand.
(21:28):
Our halo is on the line,
when we woke and as Jenny was sharing with us sometimes even in our sleep our halo is on the line,
and the good thing about it ain't no breaks so if you think you gonna miss something,
(21:49):
don't miss putting your seatbelt on cause this road get a little rocky,
this road get a little rocky man it gets rocky,
but i can tell you that you guys taught me that i'm a nun,
(22:11):
y'all taught me that if i use these principles in my life then I will have something
to combat the personalities within me.
See, it's those personalities within me that bring about unmanageability.
(22:44):
See, the book tells me to make three decisions, step one, two, and three.
And that decision in step two is to come up with an ideal level power that'll
sustain me, that'll empower me.
(23:04):
And three, I call on that power and it tells me what to do immediately afterwards.
It says, continue, right?
Don't wait, get right into the inventory.
So step one, two, and three is about the power.
(23:25):
The inventory is the beginning of action.
Then there's more action after that action because now I need to tell somebody.
I done told the power about the exact nature of my wrongs, but now I need to tell somebody.
I need to be accountable to somebody, keyword body, human being.
(23:50):
Then in six, I get ready to go back to that power because in the third step
prayer, right, it wasn't a period on it.
So in step 7 where there is a period I turn it over all of it all of what I've
(24:12):
discovered and uncovered and I'm ready to discard it give it to this power,
because I ask this power look relieve me of the bondage of me take away my difficulties
I found them difficulties in step 4 more.
(24:34):
Let me bear witness to your power.
Then I write another list.
But this time, this particular list is different than the first one.
Because in my step eight list, I'm writing down the types of amends.
(25:02):
No I'm not finna go to Nick and tell Nick man I was with your girl I'm not doing
it I love my life you know what I mean I'm not doing it somebody else might
do that shit but I ain't doing it,
why because the instructions is I'm gonna make amends wherever possible except,
(25:23):
when to do so will injure them or others an amends shouldn't be something that's
going to cause harm it should be a relief,
see in step 8 I'm looking at the types of amends some are going to be direct face to face,
(25:46):
some I ain't even supposed to even go fuck with them people no more they become
a living amends some are going to be letters some are going to be gravesigns
some are going to be financial Notchum.
Then here come that word continue again. I'm in step 10 after I've made all my amends.
(26:11):
Except when the do so would injure them others.
Then come that word continue again.
Continue to do what? Four through nine.
Because in 10, when something crop up, I go to the power. And that's the power
to forgive me and to remove this.
(26:32):
Because I understand I got unmanageability that lives in me.
After I asked the power to relieve me, I don't call Karen.
I don't call Jenny. I don't call Nick. I don't call Natalie.
I don't call Angie. I call the power, right?
Hey, Pops, come on, man. I done did it again.
(26:59):
I done pissed Nick off again. I didn't mean that, man. Help me out. I need help.
I need you to talk to his heart and I talk to my heart, man.
We done blocked each other again.
All right. And after I get through dealing with Pops, he tell me go talk to somebody.
(27:22):
That's why you gotta dance with somebody, y'all. Go talk to somebody,
wholeheartedly. Not that bullshit where we be hiding and beating around the fucking bush.
Oh, hardly. Because I'm looking for something.
I'm looking for A. In this conversation, did I offend Nick? Did I offend Karen?
(27:45):
Did I offend Ginger? Did I offend Lucy? Did I offend Natalie? Did I offend?
Because now, I'm not going to wait 51 years to make an amends.
The instructions is to make an amends promptly.
So I need to be able to listen to someone. Plus, I'm being disciplined.
(28:07):
It says only God can discipline us because we're undisciplined people.
I need God to discipline me.
And he's going to discipline me with step one, with honesty,
because if Natalie cares anything about me, Nick cares anything about me,
they're going to tell me the truth.
Wait, if I was in them shoes, I would be offended like a motherfucker.
(28:28):
You sarcastic ass such and such. But sarcasm is a harm.
At least in my list it was. Right? Then after I received that information, I have to act on it.
And the instructions after acting on it, making amends promptly,
it said go work with somebody.
(28:50):
It said go work with somebody. Why? Because immunity is found in the 12th step.
What makes us good therapists and counselors is we've been through this here.
Now, before I go to sleep, the instructions in 10 is to review my day.
(29:18):
And as I'm reviewing my day, I get to go into step 11, right?
Into prayer and meditation. Asking only for his knowledge and the power to carry
it out. Not the personality, Nick.
Not the personality, Angie. Not the personality, Junior. but the power,
(29:42):
see I need this power to stay away from that fix it drug appeal now,
let's put some people and places inside of the fix it drug appeal I need some
power to stay away from that toxic man or woman I need some power to say no,
I need some power to say not today I need power,
(30:07):
cause something happened if you're a real addict like me something happened to my willpower,
you talking about willpower shit is that Aaron coming off the liquor board.
Is that the dope man dropping him off one probably when I'm in willpower cause my will will tell me,
(30:33):
don't tell nobody body.
You can do it. My willpower tell me shit like, celebrate.
You earned it. This way of life is not no damn academic exercise.
(30:55):
It's not an academic exercise. This is not a class. My life is on the line.
17 and a half years later my life's still on the line.
So if you be new, welcome. If you be old or in between, welcome.
(31:19):
Thank you.
Thank you. If I can ask you to consider something, consider that you are actually enough.
Consider that you are actually worthy.
Consider that the love you've been looking for, you've been walking it around all alone.
(31:44):
Consider becoming comfortable in your own skin.
Consider appreciating every little win that you have.
Consider appreciating you just the way you is.
(32:05):
I'm just asking you to consider it. Because I'm real clear that when I see something
as a big deal, I'm learning to see that it started small.
I'm about to take up crocheting and knitting and some kind of art right you
(32:29):
know i've been like a kid i go to 99 cents to buy me a color book and crayons,
they they call that art therapy i should have been doing it for a long time,
so find those little things that matter and remember to keep doing it,
(32:52):
now i'm going to switch to real before i close the mental health,
mental health shouldn't be no taboo because i know y'all should know by now,
that we got psychopaths sociopaths and narcissists running the world so how
in the hell we not affected.
Come on y'all as one of my friends say call
(33:15):
somebody right so i'm
gonna be the first to confess you know what i mean i got mental now watch what
i'm about to say y'all i got mental illnesses so when one of them pop up you
know how you help me out if i'm any around you jenny if I'm around you, Angie, Nick, Natalie,
(33:37):
and whoever else on the line, Ginger,
just look at me and say, Aaron, you having an episode?
So I could get into step one and say, yeah, I think so.
And what I can tell you about mental illness is as we get better,
(33:58):
we will do something together.
We'll laugh at each other. I have a gentleman that he wanted to get out of the mafia, y'all.
He didn't want to gangbang sell drugs no more. You know what God did for him?
(34:19):
He gave him a heart attack. He gave him a brain aneurysm.
He locked him down for about, I think he said two weeks.
And they said meningitis in the brain. Said he wasn't going to be able to walk, Nick, and all that.
Man, that man is walking around screaming from the mountaintop that there is a God and it ain't him.
(34:47):
So I got a question for y'all as I close are you willing to follow some simple instructions,
that will when you hear the word will in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous
it's a promise change your life beyond your imagination my name is Aaron and
(35:11):
I'm just a grateful member of Cocaine Anonymous.
Again, I want to thank Nick. I want to thank Jenny for demonstrating love by starting this meeting.
I want to thank those of y'all who are continuing to keep this meeting going.
(35:32):
I appreciate you. Know that you matter.
Know that you are enough. Know that you're loved and know that you belong.
My name is Aaron, and I'm just a grateful member of Cocaine Anonymous.
Thank y'all for letting me share.
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