Overcoming Not Good Enough in Midlife

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey my friend, welcome to the podcast. I've got such an incredible episode for you this week.
Take your time to listen to it. It's a little longer than usual.
It's actually come from an Instagram live with Justine Jetty.
Now you may remember her from a previous podcast episode very recently.
She's a nutrition and exercise coach. She's an incredible force of inspiration.

(00:25):
Well, Justine interviews me and we have this really fantastic,
unmissable conversation all around limiting core beliefs,
specifically the limiting belief that is, I am not enough and I am not good
enough, which has been at the core of every single person, including myself.

(00:50):
Self, our challenges with our self-worth, our confidence, our capacity to really
show up in life in the way that we want to.
It's deeply connected to shame. It is well worth your while taking a listen to this episode.
We share about our own experience. We share about how we've helped help clients

(01:13):
work through, unwind and rewrite this core belief.
Take a listen. Let me know what you think.
Kia ora. Are you a woman navigating midlife, menopause and beyond?
I'm Megan Keir, your midlife mentor and psychosynthesis counsellor and coach.
Join me as we dive deep into the heart of midlife, unravelling the complexities

(01:33):
of menopause and exploring uncharted territories that lie beyond.
Together, we'll navigate through self-doubt, bid farewell to people-pleasing,
conquer imposter syndrome, and tame those overwhelming feelings.
It's time to celebrate this vibrant second chapter of life, claiming your authentic
confidence and courage along the way.

(01:54):
Midlife is not a time to settle. It is a time to unleash your purpose,
make an impact uniquely your own, all while prioritising your wellbeing.
So buckle up for conversations that resonate with the essence of your midlife
journey. Are you ready? Let's begin.
Hello Megan, welcome. I was just waiting for the internet to catch up there.

(02:16):
I'm like, she's somewhere.
Yeah, I'm here. Welcome, welcome.
I'm so excited to have you on. So for those of you that don't know,
Megan is a midlife mentor, counsellor and coach.
And I'm so excited for us to kind of unpack today's topic.
So we're going to be covering limiting beliefs, but specifically the limiting

(02:37):
beliefs of I'm not good enough.
Because I don't know about you, Megan, but I I feel like it's quite a common
limiting belief and it's something that I feel that everyone on some level has
struggled with. Yeah, me too.
I've seen it with pretty much every client I've worked with.
It's been at the core of my own unfolding.
So, I think it's a really good place to start. Awesome. Awesome.

(02:58):
So, I think for those that maybe are new to their self-development journey or
may or may not have heard of the term limiting belief before,
how would you define what a limiting belief is.
Yeah, I think that's such a great place to start. For most of us,
we have some kind of sense of what a limiting belief is, but when we try and
put it into words, what does that actually mean?

(03:19):
So for me, it means how I perceive the world, myself, my relationships with
others, and also my future.
And more than that, it's like the script or the programming that's running my psyche.
And so very importantly, limiting beliefs are very often unconscious until we

(03:43):
start doing that unpacking work.
So if we've got patterns that keep repeating themselves,
very difficult, charged emotions that keep repeating themselves in many different circumstances,
we could start to unpack that and think about what might be underneath here,
what might be at the core Or that could be a limiting belief, right?

(04:05):
So that's sort of how I access down through them. Totally.
And I guess for me, my perception of what a limiting belief is compared to just
a normal belief is it hinders your potential in some way.
Like, I feel like it's got like a negative aspect to it in that it either,
yeah, limits your potential, limits your capabilities and what you believe about

(04:27):
yourself or the world around you to be true, and essentially hinders what you're
capable of and hinders what, you know, the potential that you have within you,
as opposed to like a normal belief that could be a healthy belief. Exactly.
So we can have beliefs that serve us, that are neutral, and then there's the limiting beliefs.
And you're right. And they hinder our potential.

(04:47):
They sort of hinder where we want to head to. And also, I think they create blinkers.
So we can't actually see the bigger, broader vision for our life when those
limiting beliefs are quite rigid within our psyche.
That's sort of how I perceive them. them yeah it's good to good
to clarify around limiting serving neutral that

(05:08):
kind of thing as well absolutely absolutely and
so how would you how would you I guess get someone who's maybe new to their
self-development journeys maybe come to you to kind of identify what those limiting
beliefs are for themselves or specifically even identifying if if the I'm not
good enough belief is one of those ones that pop up early.

(05:31):
Yeah, so it's sort of when you can track somebody's language,
it sort of falls out in conversation.
So if we were to start to talk about experiences maybe that a client had had
and, you know, that they'd struggled with, and then the conversation might open
up to, you know, what their beliefs and their underlying thoughts were around that.
Well, the limiting beliefs are sort of embedded.

(05:54):
In our language so they they show up in that way and
so that's what's quite good when we have somebody
who's a neutral observer can reflect
that back to us because of course it's really hard to see
what's going on inside of us because we're in in the
book we're in the story so it's hard to see it
right so to have that observer you know

(06:15):
gently point that out is really helpful or we might
reflect on like repeated negative negative
or limiting patterns and behaviors that
you know we started maybe in a relationship and it
was going really well and then suddenly i'm behaving in
this really irrational way over and over again when
my new beloved tells me that they're going to spend time

(06:37):
with their other friends or as an example right yeah and
so if that's happening over and over again then i would
be looking at well i wonder what's underneath here is
there some kind of limiting belief underneath that's driving my behavior driving
my emotions and the way i see the world so that's you know how we can start
to identify those but often like we're talking about not good enough today but

(07:03):
often very simple and not particularly complex.
Right so so they're sort of hidden in plain sight yeah totally i think you hit
yeah the nail on the the head there.
I think sometimes people, I know from my experience, because I've struggled
with this limiting belief before of I'm not good enough. And I feel like it's
in different situations, right?

(07:23):
Like they say, like healing is never linear. Like you're going to go through
different layers of stuff.
But I certainly, when I look back at past instances, I think the level of awareness
that I had then was I knew there was something that wasn't working.
Like there was something that
was not quite ticking over, but it was pinpointing like what that was.

(07:45):
And I could see it in my behaviors, both like both in my health and fitness
journey, but just in general as well, right?
So you could see it in your behaviors.
Was there anything that helped you go from not seeing it in your behaviors to
then being able to have your eyes more open and being able to see it?
Can you sort of pinpoint that?
Totally. Yeah, so something that was really big for me when I think back to

(08:09):
the beginning of my health and fitness journey, so before I became a coach,
was I very much had like an all or nothing mindset, so very perfectionist thinking.
And if I was to take it back even further to childhood, I was bullied throughout
my high school years and primary school years.
I didn't have a lot of friends growing up, not like I do now.
And so I think there was an undercurrent there of I'm not good enough that kind

(08:31):
of stemmed from that. And then obviously, like parents having expectations,
things like that, I think further, you know, added to that.
And then but in my but then crossing that over to my health and fitness,
because I truly believe that we can't outperform our self image. And so.
I truly believe that the relationship you have with yourself is reflected in

(08:55):
every other relationship and every other area of your life.
And so when I started my health and fitness journey, and I was still unaware
that I was like, that I had that limiting belief, although I didn't even know
what a limiting belief was at that point in time, to be completely honest with you.
And so I could see it in hindsight, looking back, you know, I had an unhealthy
relationship with food.
It was very much, I'm being good this week, or I'm completely off the plan.

(09:18):
It was very much that all or nothing, like either I'm doing everything perfectly or not at all.
And so it was kind of setting lofty expectations and targets for myself instead
of being a bit more balanced and realistic with my approach.
It's probably one of the main things that I saw. And just really,
I think like attributing when I did mess up,

(09:39):
attributing that to make it mean
something about myself or like what I'm capable of
or my self-worth as opposed opposed to looking at
that situation and being like could I have just been more prepared
or put in more effort or you know looking at it from that perspective instead
I think that's that's a really key point that you made there so when we do mess

(09:59):
up because we're going to mess up because we're human beings right in many and
all areas of our life is if we make the meaning of that consistently.
To be, I'm not enough, I effed up, there's something wrong with me,
then I think it's useful for us to dig a little deeper around,
well, what might be driving this?

(10:21):
Yeah. And that all or nothing thinking is such a key thing, isn't it?
Because the way I think about it is we have this sort of unconscious driver of,
if I can just get to that weight or that strength or
that speed or whatever it is financially yeah then
I'll be okay then I can relax and then
I'll be all right yeah and I love what you said

(10:43):
about the blinker thinking as well because because it's like
yeah if you've got a blink of you and you're a high performer who's
like okay I've just got to get to this goal or I've just got to do this thing sometimes
that's where we're like oh mindset that's so woo woo or
that's so like you know beliefs like it's very
easy and I've certainly I've certainly talked to clients with
it where it's like I don't want to got to sit and think about like you know how I see myself

(11:04):
or you know they're just like just want to do the practical stuff
and it's like you don't understand how that like internal your internal
world impacts how you show up in such a significant way yeah yeah so can you
speak to that like how how that shows up with your your clients like your nutrition
clients and your your training clients like totally not good enough because

(11:26):
that is that limiting belief we're really zoning in on How does that show up in their lives?
Behaviors or you know does it affect how much
they can stick to their plan their joy on
the journey yeah totally absolutely so i think probably the the main three key
things that i see with clients that are struggling with this limiting belief

(11:48):
is either some level of overthinking or procrastination one of those two things
a level of overthinking or procrastination expectation,
lofty expectations, like really high expectations.
And sometimes, especially if they've worked with a previous coach,
I mean, there's some incredible coaches in the health and fitness industry,
but if they've worked with someone who's got more of like a drill sergeant type

(12:10):
of technique, that's very much like just, you know, get shit done, do, do, do, do, do.
They can have the thing of their, like, they're already kind of setting themselves
up to fail to be like, oh, I've got to do, I'm starting this fitness plan this week.
That means I've got to work out seven days a week and I've got to eat really
well and like, you know, X, Y, and Z, right?
And it's again, like really lofty standards that they have of themselves.

(12:31):
And obviously it's like, it's good to hold yourself to a high standard.
There's nothing wrong with that, but it's like setting realistic standards because
where a lot of people I think see, oh, I've set high standards and therefore I'll achieve more.
It can actually be self-sabotaging because you're setting yourself up,
especially if you are dealing with like the, I'm not good enough to when

(12:52):
you naturally inevitably don't hit that target because we're
human we mess up we fail like that's just part of life but
then you'd like okay well you know i guess i'm lazy
i guess i'm this guess i'm that you know i'm never going to achieve this
goal and it kind of backfires to where you then start to
think like question you self-doubt and you start to question well
is this is this possible for me so kind of

(13:12):
setting a more and that's why i'm very careful to kind of pinpoint pointer
on to set those like kind of more measurable like
realistic goals for for women
again like you as a coach and you would know this is it's
like you're working with different personality types too right
so it's also like like kind of working with okay like
I get that you're like super driven type a personality let's you know set up

(13:35):
this kind of structure for you and then similarly with someone who's like okay
like I'm kind of dipping my toe in like I don't want to be like you know might
be feeling a bit overwhelmed like it's like okay let's just take this step-by-step
and put things in place to not overwhelm yourself.
But I think overthinking and procrastination and that all-or-nothing thinking
is definitely something I see a lot with clients that have this limiting belief.

(13:57):
And the way it shows up is they have all-or-nothing in their actions that they then take.
With their fitness plan, with whether it's nutrition, fitness,
sleep, whatever type of self-care routine that they have.
And yeah, that negative kind of self-talk that then comes in when they don't
hit a mark that they've set for themselves.
Hit those goals. Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? Because I was talking about,

(14:20):
well, when I talk to someone, what the limiting belief will come through in
the languaging of their experience, right? How they talk about it.
And you can see it in your client's behaviors
right when like the all or nothing thinking
the perfectionism the overthinking so it shows
through that yeah really fascinating and

(14:40):
i think i think something like to touch on like a
procrastination for a little bit because i think someone who's and
this is just in my experience with the clients i've worked with but i
think and it's something that i i mistakenly thought
of as well is i think people still have the misconception
with procrastination that it's that it's
that you're being lazy and it's like no like right there is

(15:01):
like you know there there is a subconscious thing happening there
why we procrastinate and it's normally like again
just speaking from my experience has to do with either like fear
of the past or perceived fear of the future and that
that can then play into again that i'm not good enough or am
i capable of achieving this or that kind of stuff as
well so i think one of the things i do aside from

(15:22):
like the fitness and nutrition stuff is supporting my clients work through
that procrastination as well and that overthinking that
that mental chatter yeah and you know what
i'm hearing you do is that you you unpack the procrastination
you just don't see it as a as a barrier in and of itself that we have to push
through that if we can unpack that we're kind of pulling the bricks out and

(15:43):
that no longer becomes a barrier and yeah i think that i mean you go sorry no
i didn't want to interrupt you you're right.
No, what were you going to say? Oh, I was just going to go down a little deeper
because I was like the not good enough is so at the core of our very being.
And I know in Brené Brown's work, she talks about shame being connected to not good enough.

(16:09):
So we have the limiting beliefs and we have the behaviors and we also have the
emotions that are connected in there.
And shame and not good enough, they just go hand in hand, right? Right.
And so, you know, shame grows when we hide it,
when we try and hide it, when we try and overcome it, when we try and be perfect

(16:29):
so that we don't have to feel at the core of ourselves, that something is so
very deeply wrong with us.
And I think the point I'm trying to make around that is that it's such a whole
piece of who we are, that if we can somehow integrate that, heal it, change it,
evolve it something yeah so much

(16:52):
lifts and changes in our life in our
behaviors in our relationships have you
seen that with clients for yourself what's your
experience with that yeah absolutely i
think you're spot on with that like i think with any limiting
belief there is emotion attached to it and i
think it's part of it is identifying that that emotion

(17:14):
and also yeah working through through
that on a deeper level to to overcome to overcome
it and to change shift and start to shift the
narrative essentially of what we make that mean
about ourselves and the thing that again I don't know Megan what you've experienced
in your work and like I'd love to know like like some of the things that have

(17:34):
been really effective that you've seen with clients that have worked through
this I'm not good enough limiting belief but but one thing I will say is like
I think that with with some of these limiting beliefs,
a lot of people don't realize that there is both a cost and a benefit to it.
Like we wouldn't, as human beings, we wouldn't harbor a limiting belief if it

(17:55):
didn't serve us in some way.
And that's just from my experience with working with clients with.
Certain limiting beliefs but i'm curious to know like how have
you found it in your practice and and what have been
some of the things that you've noticed that have been really supportive for
your clients in in working through this practice so to speak to where you left
off i think that's so key right it's it's a compensating or protective mechanism

(18:19):
right our psyche doesn't create these things to be mean to us yeah it's a survival
mechanism that that maybe we don't know we no
longer need in that at that strength or in
that form right because what was shame shame helps
us to stay connected to the tribe so
that we survive we're talking way back obviously yeah so there's a protective

(18:43):
mechanism there i think it's hard to talk about the actual mechanics of of how
you change change beliefs because it's very specific within practice but i also think that we we are
consistently working on updating.
Upgrading our beliefs.

(19:03):
When we grow and we empower ourselves and we try things that we're afraid of, when we're vulnerable,
when we share ourselves in a way that we haven't shared ourselves before and
we have a neutral or a warm reception back, we're like, oh, hang on a minute.
In that moment where I was my most messy self where I thought nobody would accept me,

(19:24):
that person looked at me like you're looking at me now with loving eyes and
a kind heart, maybe I'm not so bloody awful and broken at the core of my being after all.
But I want to speak to something that does show up with clients.
So I use sort of like a brain changing, it's sort of derived from NLP.
It's a lot of my background over the 25 years to help women change beliefs, right?

(19:48):
And in practice, and then what.
What happens, so an example of a client who would go into meetings,
so she was in management, she'd go into meetings and there would be a particular
senior person in that meeting that would always talk over her,
that would roll his eyes, that would diminish what she was saying.
And when that would happen, this client would sort of collapse,

(20:10):
feel like she was going to cry, not sure what she was going to say,
would get a bit spacey and lose her track, right?
I mean, I mean, I have experienced that before when I've lost my center and lost my grounding.
When we did the work on not good enough specifically and we rewrote that belief,
and we might rewrite that belief to be, I'm okay, I am worthy, I am lovable, I am loved.

(20:36):
You know, it's safe to be me. There's lots of ways we can frame it.
And that got rewritten for her. her
she didn't actually have to work very hard on her behaviors beyond
that she noticed that she'd go back into the meeting
that senior person was still behaving in
the same way but it's like she wasn't zoning

(20:57):
in on it yeah and seeing what he was doing
and then going oh that's all about me and that means i'm
a bad terrible person and then we lose our
conscious you know reasoning mind capacity
yeah she just sort of didn't really see it
and if she did see it she was like you know whatever he can be
whatever he wants I have a point to make

(21:18):
and she would make that point but what
I love about at working at the level of beliefs
is that we don't actually have to work quite so
hard on our behaviors because we're
changing the fundamental mental foundation right 100 and so
then yeah and then the behavior so she
was able to witness that from him and just stay

(21:39):
grounded present get her point across realize that there were maybe five six
seven ten other people in the room that she could speak to she had a point to
make and she was able to deliver it so that changed everything you know for
that client and that's incredible Incredible.
Did she notice, because I know that triggers can also be something,

(22:00):
and what you spoke to just then, it was like, as you said, his behavior continued.
But she was no longer triggered by it because she'd done that work on herself. That's incredible.
That's so amazing. Exactly. And she would notice that when you walk past someone
in the hallway, if we have awareness of our body, we might notice that that
person that triggers us might make our heart rate go up. Our nervous system

(22:24):
might become activated.
Well, one of the first things that she noticed was she was like,
oh, she just stayed neutral when she saw him.
She wasn't getting that activation in her nervous system. Yeah.
We can have thoughts about people like in our conscious mind,
but that's so fast, that body's reaction.
Yeah. But that was absolutely happening at that fundamental nervous system belief level.

(22:49):
I just think it's so exciting that we can create changes like that.
Yeah, same. Like it's just, it really fascinates me how like beliefs literally
intertwine with every other part of our being, right?
Like, you know, if you're anxious or you're fearful, you feel it in your chest
or your gut or like you know how it's all like kind of interconnected,
and also in like you know as you just said there with like

(23:12):
the heart rate rising like I think if people can tune in more to those things
as they're feeling them it's kind of like okay like what's happening for me
here kind of thing like what's showing up yeah and I think that's a really key
piece right because not every change that we make in ourselves and in our psyche
has to happen in the clinical practice,
some of it can be I notice my heart rate's rising when this person is walking

(23:35):
towards me because they trigger whatever.
Can I just slow myself down and go, hey, you're okay?
Like talk to ourselves in that comforting, kind, nurturing, safe,
supportive way and slow ourselves down.
And that way we can have more choices around our behavior that stem from,

(23:57):
you know, those beliefs or that environment, that person that's showing up in their life.
Yeah. And it's so empowering too, because you put yourself back in the driver's
seat, like what you just said then, like looking to yourself in a loving way.
You're like, it's okay, we're safe. Like, it's all good.
And, you know, to walk yourself through that as opposed to just reacting.
Yeah. And it takes awareness though, right? Because like, say with clients that I've worked with.

(24:23):
Through with when we first begin we're like
oh no just all it's just all chaos and then i feel disconnected
from my body i'm all in my head i don't know what i'm talking about you know
all of that but if we we start to unpack that and bring awareness to it also
what did you notice in your body first started happening yeah and can you be
with that and can we just work on this one piece and so we can you know we can

(24:45):
work more slowly with it within ourselves i i don't necessarily
subscribe to the belief that
we have to have a big cathartic emotional reaction to heal that if I just release
all of that all of that anger and sadness and frustration all at once then that

(25:08):
belief of not good enough will be rewritten I don't necessarily subscribe to that I mean,
sometimes a connected,
body aware expression of emotion is very key and very powerful.
But I've just seen so many other ways, there's other doorways that we can go
through just to put those beliefs to change, right?

(25:32):
Yeah. Yeah, I love that. And I know we've spoken about this before off this
live, but I'm curious to know those listening, like when you talk about doorways,
do you mind sharing on that a little bit more?
Because I love that concept with where you said about like, yeah,
there's different doorways to kind of get to that end kind of outcome.
And you're right. Like I agree with you. I think it doesn't have to be this

(25:52):
massive, you know, show of emotions or like banging on your chest or whatever
it is. It doesn't have to be that.
As you say, like they can absolutely be emotions that you process and shift
through and move through in that healing part of that, but it doesn't have to
be this kind of like big kind of entertainment kind of thing for sure.
The big storm and i've said you know i've seen some of the deeper shifts happen for people where.

(26:16):
Maintained contact with the therapist while they're
talking about something that has been very difficult for
them and because that contact has been grounded embodied
supportive they've been able to stay with it and so then we start to rewrite
what's going on inside of us but I'm also thinking about you Justine and thinking
about with your clients you know if I've seen for women and you would have seen

(26:40):
it too we all would have you know if I create a goal for myself I want to I'm I'm not a runner,
so my goal will be small. It will be 5Ks, right?
I want to run 5Ks. I actually did that when I was 20, 21. It was a big goal for me.
And that was, you know, so that's another doorway we can go through.
And yes, I'm struggling with my self-belief through that, but I have that support

(27:04):
from the person that was taking the program, and I got that feedback of we're doing this bit by bit.
So those are the doorways of behavior, relationships.
You know, I think about I've been with my partner for 24 years and,
you know, we've learned so much from one another through that.

(27:24):
And by him not sort of abandoning me when I've had that abandonment fear come
up, I've been able to rewrite that and know that I'm safe in an intimate relationship.
Relationship so there's many doorways that we we can access the the deep subconscious.
Beliefs and limiting beliefs that are going on yeah

(27:47):
totally and i agree like i think relationships
can be deeply healing if if you know like and as you said just before like having
someone just feel like feeling seen heard and understood by someone where you
can just literally show them your stuff and there's no judgment there there's
no like it's a safe space to just Just be like, yeah,

(28:07):
like to process and to work through that, I think is really beautiful.
So I'm just curious, Megan, like what...
What ways have you, I guess, dealt
with this I'm not good enough kind of limiting belief in your own life?
And I know you've just touched on, you know, it's been beautiful that you've
seen you and your husband work through different things in your life.
But just curious, like what, how has this shown up in your life,

(28:30):
this belief of I'm not good enough?
Oh, you know, like even as you say it, I can, I feel it in my body and it shows
up as just slight tears behind my eyes. And I don't think for me it doesn't feel like sadness.
It feels like, yeah, it's been one hell of a journey.
You know, it's been such a journey from when I was four years old and my parents

(28:56):
separated and I blamed myself.
That's my fault. To my dog, I'm going to do this in quote marks,
running away. He didn't run away.
That's another story. but my dog running away when I
was five blamed myself for my whole
adult life until I went through my therapy

(29:17):
training and something just came out and
I learned the truth you know and so
then how that showed up for me is this
trying to be perfect trying to
get it right trying to say the right thing and yet
underneath it all feeling like I
just wasn't good enough and I wasn't accepted and so

(29:40):
then isolating myself you know
that I had quite I had quite a strong defensive mechanism
to keep myself safe so it was very hard for me to be vulnerable and one of the
hardest things in my life was Crohn's disease which I had when I was my 20s
and it was that decade that I went through that healing process yeah that was

(30:01):
just completely life altering and very very difficult,
but there was so much in that for me emotionally that I worked through and around beliefs,
around shame, around not good enough.
Yeah. I mean, that's a longer, bigger story, but fundamentally the not good

(30:21):
enough for me has been such a limiter.
It's meant that I haven't reached out to people. I haven't tried to make those connections.
I took the safe job. I took I took the safe route. I took the one where I felt
I wasn't going to be rejected.
And so, you know, because it's been such a strong thread in my life,

(30:42):
and I'm 53 and I feel like I have worked with it so very deeply and it's absolutely changed.
But I also think we don't need to get to a place where it's like never, ever, ever shows up.
Yeah. We don't have to. Do you think so? So we don't have to get there to live

(31:02):
a really rich, fulfilled life. Absolutely.
No, I would agree with you. I think it's a bit like bad habits.
Like, and I say this to clients, like, for example, let's take binge eating, right?
Like I've got a client who's been with me a year and she really struggled with binge eating.
That was like one of her things that was really preventing fat loss and fitness
journey and working through what was going on there for her in the last year,

(31:24):
she's maybe binged once or twice to where
she was doing it three or four times a week right so you
can absolutely like make progress and
as you say live a rich and fulfilling life and still
like we're never going to be perfect right so it's like we're always going
to have something running in the background that that comes up and i think that's
part of the beauty of navigating through life right is it can be messy and it

(31:49):
can be at the same time equally as incredible and fulfilling and enjoying you
know and and so it's kind of like in in some ways,
you know, it's kind of intertwined, but I think for me anyway,
the biggest differentiator is looking back on my journey.
It's like, it's not in the driver's seat anymore.
I think that's the differentiating factor is it's not in the driver's seat.

(32:11):
Whereas back then it was for me.
And I'm curious to know for you what it was for you.
Yeah, spot on. I think that's such a good way to frame it is that it's no longer in the driver's seat.
It's like in the background, the volume's turned
way down and it's not dictating every
choice that I make in my life or everything

(32:34):
I dream about is not coming
from you know these glasses if they were not good enough glasses they would
be blocking my capacity to see my life and and it's in the fullest way that
I could yeah yeah I love the way you put that oh no thank you and so I'm curious like Like going back,

(32:54):
it sounds like you've got a very rich history with navigating this I'm not good enough, right?
Like I'm just curious, what was a turning point for you or like a moment for
you where you took it out of the driver's seat, I guess?
Yeah, I think there were many, many moments along the way.

(33:14):
And some of the more recent work that I've done in the NLP kind of field has been really helpful.
To change things, I'm not sure that I can put it down to one moment.
Rather, I think what happened is that I started to learn that when I would have

(33:35):
that experience of shame come up, because shame is very painful, right?
When it arises in the body, that we try and avoid it, take ourselves away from
it. And we might have many different ways that we do that.
That I was more able to stay with myself and tolerate the feeling and realize
that even though it was there, it was not all of who I am.

(33:59):
It didn't dictate the truth of me. It was something that was temporary and was going to pass.
So I think when I look back on
my putting not good enough away from the driver's seat into the back seat,
it was those moments that were defining along

(34:19):
the way yeah how about yeah how about
for you just saying that's yeah no that's
so powerful what you just shared there like i love that it's like
not like seeing it as temporary and like seeing it
as okay i just i'm not going to avoid this emotion i think
for me it was it was similar
in that like not running away from the.

(34:40):
Discomfort from the discomfort I think
was really key because I think that you
know in society and in life we're taught to avoid
discomfort at all costs right like we're taught like if we're
feeling an emotion that's not like that's
not happiness or that's not like a fluffy emotion like
oh I've got to avoid that compartmentalize that put

(35:01):
that away and so for me it was just sitting in
the discomfort comfort of it and as you say like allowing myself
to to to process and to
move through it as opposed to kind of shoving it away
and then as I moved through it in that
okay where is this come from is this actually true
like what's what's actually you know

(35:22):
underneath underneath this yeah this yeah this limiting belief what's reality
and then kind of shifting that to what's a more empowering narrative that's
a truth for one that's not just like you know like a fluffy affirmation it's
just you know but it's more and shifting it that way and I don't know about.
About you, Megan, but for me, like I see mindset very much in the same way we

(35:45):
train our muscles. We train our mind through repetition.
And so I think something that helped me shift the, I'm not good enough.
And I'll be honest and say, like, I feel like I'm still working through that in layers.
Like, like as you've mentioned before, it's like, it's, it's the,
the volumes turned down, but it's still, it's still there in the background
is, is, is shifting from like empowering, Empowering, using that empowering narrative,

(36:08):
it's like that repetition where when we fall into a negative self-talk spiral,
it's like shifting that and changing it so it's not like going down the same
pathway, if you will, is the best way I guess I can describe it.
It's like in the same way we put our muscles under load and like if we do strength
training, we do that two, three, four times a week.
And through that repetition, we build that strength and resilience in order

(36:32):
to build that kind of mental resilience.
It's like kind of the same, I guess, approach in that repetition as opposed
to just, I don't know, maybe seeing a coach like yourself once off and then
being like, oh, well, I've dealt with it now, like moving on with my life kind of thing, right?
It's kind of like it comes in layers and you kind of unpack it at different

(36:52):
points of your life as things, I guess, shift or come up.
Would you agree with that? Yeah. Or what's kind of your opinion?
Yeah, I think that, like we were talking before around, you know,
it's around doorways and that's one doorway that we can use.
I'm not a big fan of affirmations. Neither. Yeah.

(37:12):
Right. Am I trending on the rocky roads here? I don't know. No, not at all.
No, not at all. I'm not a fan of them. I personally,
I mean, I know they've gotten a lot of like, you know, they're trending and
they're very popular, but in my mind, and please correct me if I'm wrong here,
but for me, I just think you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and

(37:33):
say, I'm awesome or I'm great or whatever.
But just speaking those words without dealing with the emotions and the beliefs
that you have is pointless.
It's like trying to spit on a house fire, in my opinion.
Yeah. Because you would have seen that picture, infographic,
of the iceberg, right, where the top little part is like that small,

(37:56):
and that's our conscious mind.
And the rest of it's like all the way from there down to the ground is the subconscious.
So affirmations happen in that top part, in the conscious mind.
And, yeah, that's okay. like that's we're
not saying that that's there's anything wrong with that but it
doesn't really address the big massive

(38:16):
underneath the water piece of the iceberg
which is which is the subconscious yeah yeah and which is mainly in the driver's
seat if you're not aware it's in the driver's seat yeah and i think you know
i've seen for so many people me included that we get tangled up in these beliefs.

(38:37):
It's kind of like, you know, I have this belief that I'm not good enough.
I have these situations that arise and then I have feelings of shame and,
you know, it's all a bit of a mess.
And we think, well, I just have to get rid of that belief.
Like that thing right there, I've got to get rid of that and then I'll be okay.
And like what we're talking about is, yes, but it's a constellation and,

(38:59):
yes, you can come at it through different doorways and that's really helpful.
But if we can just slow down for a minute and go, it's actually okay that this
limiting belief is here.
I'm a human being. We've all got these limiting beliefs.
They might show up differently in other people, but I don't need to beat up

(39:20):
on myself that this is going on for me.
I think that that's a very important key place to start because you're opening
up to that self-acceptance and that I'm okay even though I'm not perfect because
you are so much more than your mind,
your emotions, your beliefs, right?
We're so much more than that. That's just a small part of who we are.

(39:44):
But yeah, I think working with limiting beliefs is powerful.
It can change our life's experience. It's about finding the useful doorways
for us to access and that's right for you.
Absolutely absolutely and yeah our thoughts
not every thought that we believe about ourselves is true so

(40:04):
that yeah kind of into you know but
it is i think but i think sometimes when
i mean i certainly know for me like when i like was
in that like when i in hindsight like now it's easy in hindsight to look
back at that and be like oh that's what i was doing you know but i think
in the moment it's just like i think people forget
that they can choose their thoughts as well so they've got

(40:25):
this they can they maybe might be aware of like beating themselves
up or having that shame or stuff but it's like they almost
feel I know at certain points I felt powerless one
because I didn't have the right tools and support around
me to support me to to overcome it but
also because I think I just didn't know how it worked and I didn't know
like I could choose my thoughts or I could start to

(40:47):
shift you know those those limiting beliefs I think is
yeah how do you do that Justine like
if you've got that persistent thought that's
arising how do you choose that
within yourself can you unpack that a little bit yeah sure
so I journal a lot I like journaling I do journaling for different things but

(41:07):
I if I'm noticing there's a pattern or there's yeah a pattern of a belief or
a thought that's coming up I will sit with it I'll get out my journal and I'll
write okay what's and I'll late like I'll name it I'll I'll identify what it
is, like what the belief is.
And I'll kind of walk myself through, okay, like where is this coming from?
Like, is this true? And kind of just like work through that and like kind of

(41:31):
pinpoint, is there something that's triggered this?
What does that look like? And kind of working through that.
And then once I've gotten to the main trigger, I will look at,
okay, what do I need in this circumstance?
What was it that I need that I didn't get or that I needed to give myself?
How can I give that to myself? self.
And then what is an empowering, like, what is the truth in this situation?

(41:53):
And how can I take from the truth and empowering narrative to move forward with as well?
That's been my process on different levels, but I found that to be supportive and helpful.
And sometimes it is just journaling and just sitting with it and writing it out.
It might take me five minutes to do, might take me 30, who knows,
depending on what it is and how strongly I'm feeling it.

(42:14):
And yeah, and as you say, like I agree with you sometimes it's just writing
it out and that for me has been sufficient but sometimes I might cry I might
you know I might allow myself to feel whatever's coming up in that moment too
yeah so yeah so that's been supportive how about you what's how have you kind
of worked through it with yourself.
So I'll notice if something's coming up, I notice it as sometimes repetitive thoughts.

(42:38):
And that's always a signal to me that something's going on at a feeling level and a belief level.
And so I'll try and get in touch with that.
What is the feeling underneath here, right? Because if I'm thinking something
over and over and over again, it means my brain is trying to solve a problem.
So what is the problem, right? It could be at the emotional level.

(43:00):
It could be exactly like you said at that level of needs right
my i said this to my friend i
saw that weird expression on her face and then
she didn't talk to me for the rest of the night i've made up
a whole narrative around that and my mind has been been overthinking
it right so then i start to try and
feel into my body what am i feeling here right might

(43:22):
be a little bit of shame blame might be a sense of
I wasn't understood or guilt because
I said something that was outrageous and rude to her
I don't know right and then and then
I that's where I think journaling is quite good because it is
like you're talking to someone else and then I love the way you came into so

(43:43):
you you looked at what is what are my feeling what are my emotions here and
then what was the need what was the need yeah and so my need might have been
to be heard to have a right of reply.
To feel supported you know there could be many needs there yeah I look for that
signal when I because I've.

(44:05):
I feel pretty clear within myself around most of what's going on inside my brain.
And by the way, that's such a good thing that happens post-menopausally.
It's because I'm on such an even keel, like hormonally.
I know the playing field. I know the ground I'm walking on. It doesn't go up
and down anymore. So anyway. That's wonderful.

(44:27):
Yeah, it's really cool. So if I've got like that thought that becomes a little
bit obsessive, I try and feel into, okay, so first of all, don't believe everything
your mind tells you, right? Exactly as you said, that's very, very key.
And then secondly, what's the underlying feeling? What's the underlying emotion?
Can I contact it with my body? Because often if we come into connection with it, it'll soothe.

(44:53):
There'll be something that changes and that will help us get into and what was the need here?
What was the need that wasn't met? yeah and that's often if we reach out to
a friend and and we talk to a friend and then we you know we're having a difficult
time we end that conversation we go away feeling quite good.
That's probably because they've been that safe space to be our journal to reflect

(45:14):
back to us right totally sometimes all we need is someone to yeah just you know
give us their full attention their presence and and and have that safety in
that space to to just you know blurt out whatever it is, and just having that witness,
that person there to hold that space for us and just be like,
yeah, I'm here for you, whatever you need.
Like just, you know, it's super, that in and of itself is super underrated,

(45:39):
but super healing. It is, yeah.
It is someone that can hold space in that way and they don't always need to
be a paid professional, right?
Yeah. One thing I found works really well that I use in my course is that we
do like a life mapping exercise and we put on the life mapping exercise,
you know, these sort of big events that have happened in our life.

(46:01):
And oftentimes they're, sometimes they're amazing and other times they've been
quite hard and traumatic.
And then looking to the sort of the qualities and the learnings from those,
from a strength-based perspective.
And I'm just, for me and for the woman that I've worked with,
I find it so empowering because the arc of our life, once we're in our 40s and

(46:24):
50s, you know, we've lived a life, right? We've had experiences.
But if you can have that bird's eye view and look at the strengths,
like for me when I had Crohn's disease, you know,
Faith, trust, perseverance, working through something that was really painful.
And you collate that in this exercise that we do.
And it brings a different perspective for women very often in terms of,

(46:49):
hey, actually, I've moved through a lot here.
There's a lot of strengths in me that I haven't been recognizing.
And that sort of balances out the not good enough belief. So that's another doorway.
Yeah, that's incredible. I love that. I've done something. I love the life mapping thing.
And I love that you've, you write out, you pinpoint that. I think that's really powerful.

(47:12):
It's funny. I was literally chatting to my group of clients this morning around
like, cause it's easy when people say, when people talk about competence,
they talk about, Oh, remember your accomplishments, write out your accomplishments.
And I'm like, yeah, but that's a bit wishy-washy. Like everyone knows what they've
achieved in their life. Like that's not anything.
I will get my clients to do something similar to what you just said.

(47:33):
I'll say from where you're at right now in your life, I want you to recall and
remember every single difficulty, hardship, obstacle that you have overcome and write out that list.
And honestly, like I hate to use buzzwords, but it's like one of the most natural
confidence boosters you can have because you remind yourself of not only your

(47:54):
capability, but as you say, it's like, I am worthy.
I am good enough. Look at all of these things that I've overcome,
you know, and it's like I find it really powerful.
So I love that you shared that. That's such a powerful exercise.
Very similar exercises in what they're helping to extract from our experience.
And confidence, I just want to speak to that briefly, is when I've worked with

(48:19):
Not Good Enough and we've really rewritten that belief through some of the processes
that I use, what happens in a woman's confidence is.
Lifts up like it changes naturally rather
than us having to sort of pump ourselves up by I've achieved
that and I've achieved that and go girl you know all of that
stuff which is a fluffy motivation yeah we're working from the ground up and

(48:46):
shifting that belief into I am worthy I am lovable I am okay just as I am you
feel that in the core of your being your natural
confidence not necessarily bravado or anything like that but your natural confidence
will will accelerate will become more to the surface and more visible to people

(49:09):
around you yeah yeah that's incredible how amazing how good how good i've loved our chat today.
Same same we'll have to find another another topic and have a have a wander through its
origins and how we work with it again in
the future yeah this has been really amazing is there

(49:31):
anything else you wanted to share on on this topic that we're
covering today with limiting beliefs i'm not good enough i don't want to tie it
up if there's anything else you left left that you wanted to share or speak
on i feel really good and really complete with it i think i just want people
to you know go away with that knowledge that even though we carry that belief

(49:52):
And pretty much 99.9% of the people I've worked with have that not good enough belief.
You are so much more than that.
You as an endless human body living your life, you are absolutely good enough,
loved, lovable, you know, incredible just the way you are in your normal self.

(50:16):
We don't have to be, you know, we don't all have to be superstars.
We are just miracles walking, you know, on this big planet. Agreed.
Every single one of you is valuable. Yeah. How about your final words? Final words.
I think just allowing, like not avoiding, not avoiding, allowing yourself to

(50:40):
pay more attention to yourself.
And that's for anyone listening who has maybe come from a background similar
to mine where your emotional needs weren't met growing up.
It's very easy to naturally be more avoidant to your needs or feel like you're
being like, you know, just not wanting to push them to the side.

(51:00):
But allow yourself to put a focus on that and becoming more aware of what's
happening for you, like what reoccurring thought patterns there are.
And also, as you said, Megan, like not believing that those thoughts are real,
but just shining more awareness on them and starting from that point to work

(51:21):
through them, I think super important.
And placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.
I'm just going to say that every single person tuning in today,
if you guys have any questions, there is going to be a replay on both Megan
and mine's Instagram posts.
But if you have any questions after watching the live or watching the replay
again, feel free to drop your questions below and either Megan or myself will

(51:44):
answer those questions.
But Megan, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here today.
It's been such a pleasure to chat with you. and yeah it's
been amazing it's been incredible oh likewise justine
we may be in different countries but we're absolutely connected
i i just want to as we finish really support
and reiterate the piece that you spoke to around avoidance so

(52:07):
avoidance is a bit of a key flag around that
and if we can counter that and turn towards
rather than turning away from we've made a
really really really good beginning so thank you so much for sharing
that and for your your conversation today
it's been just really really cool thank you thank you
and well enjoy enjoy the rest of your day and yeah Megan thanks once again thank

(52:31):
you so much for giving your time today and having this conversation oh my absolute
pleasure and thank you so much okay bye for now thanks bye-bye Hey,
thanks for joining me on the podcast.
Really appreciate you. Check out my course where we just go so much deeper than
I can ever do on a podcast over an eight-week period.

(52:52):
The Midlife Upgrade course is a blend of video and learning modules and weekly
live calls where you will discover a roadmap for psychological freedom in midlife.
Check out all the details on my website. I really, really would love to have
you join the course. megancare.co.nz forward slash course.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

The Breakfast Club

The Joe Rogan Experience

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Overcoming Not Good Enough in Midlife

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}On Purpose with Jay Shetty

The Breakfast Club

The Joe Rogan Experience

All Episodes

Overcoming Not Good Enough in Midlife

On Purpose with Jay Shetty