July 31, 2024 • 24 mins
The Importance of Having Hard Conversations: "And often that's with people that are external to us, but it also works on an internal level as well. We very often are in avoidance of our own hard conversations to have with ourselves because avoidance feels easier."
This week, we delved into the complexities of navigating midlife and learned about the profound impact of hard conversations on getting unstuck.
I shared three powerful breakthrough strategies for overcoming that feeling of being stuck. From understanding what's in our control and practicing radical acceptance to the rocking chair test and the importance of sharing the load, these tools offer practical ways to break free from stagnation and move forward.
Join me as we explore these transformative breakthroughs and discover how they can empower you to navigate the challenges of midlife with confidence and courage.
For more in-depth exploration and guidance on these breakthrough strategies, don't miss out on the Midlife Upgrade course. It's an opportunity to go even deeper and discover a roadmap for psychological freedom in midlife. Visit my website for all the details and join me on this transformative journey. I can't wait to have you aboard. Much love, and I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Follow Meegan on Instagram here
Join the waitlist for The Midlife Upgrade Course: https://meegancare.co.nz/course/
Please note: The content of this podcast does not substitute or constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Kia ora. Are you a woman navigating midlife, menopause and beyond?
I'm Megan Keir, your midlife mentor and psychosynthesis counsellor and coach.
Join me as we dive deep into the heart of midlife, unravelling the complexities
of menopause and exploring uncharted territories that lie beyond.
Together, we'll navigate through self-doubt, bid farewell to people-pleasing,
(00:22):
conquer imposter syndrome and tame those overwhelming feelings.
It's time to celebrate this vibrant second chapter of life, claiming your authentic
confidence and courage along the way.
Midlife is not a time to settle. It is a time to unleash your purpose,
make an impact uniquely your own, all while prioritizing your well-being.
(00:43):
So buckle up for conversations that resonate with the essence of your midlife
journey. Are you ready? Let's begin.
Hey my friend, how is my week going? let me reflect on that for a moment.
I have had some hard conversations with family members and that's never an easy thing to do.
(01:03):
And it often takes up a lot of our emotional and psychic energy.
So that came to a peak yesterday and I have to say it went really well.
There was respect on both sides, not an easy thing to converse about,
but came to an agreement or at least an outcome.
And that's a good thing, right? I am such an advocate for having the hard conversations.
(01:29):
And often that's with people that are external to us.
It also works on an internal level as
well we very often are in avoidance of our
own hard conversations to have with ourselves
because avoidance feels easier it feels like we don't have to navigate our way
(01:50):
through confronting something that we are not happy with or we don't like or
we're afraid of and we're avoiding but that ties up so much of our mental emotional emotional,
and psychological energy.
Even though I don't enjoy them like everybody, I really dislike the feeling
(02:13):
of avoidance so much more than having the hard conversations.
And for me, it's about letting myself feel the feelings, feel a bit afraid,
feel the pissed stuffness, feel the awkwardness, not know where to start and
not know what to say, be accepting that we're not going to agree on everything
(02:36):
and then work towards a solution together.
I think that's such a liberating tool that we have as adults,
but nobody's taught us that.
Most of that I've learned through my counselling training, working with people
for so long, being in an intimate relationship with my partner for so long,
(02:56):
having to work through things and how do we learn how to do that skill right?
I think it's an interesting topic. It is not the topic of our conversation today,
but it definitely feeds into it because the main point of our.
Podcast today is three midlife breakthroughs for when you're feeling stuck.
(03:18):
And I've got three other tools that you can use, strategies that you can employ.
But I think that one around having the hard conversation is a very fast way to get you unstuck.
Because if you pay attention to your inner landscape, you will know where there
(03:38):
is the open tab of something that you've been avoiding.
Some of us are very, very good at avoiding and fooling ourselves,
and we hide this important information from ourselves, and that is nothing to
get down on yourself about.
That comes from a coping mechanism.
(03:59):
That was the only way we could keep ourselves safe, to
keep ourself emotionally settled was
to go into a pattern of avoidance
and very often if our parents were avoiders we learned
it from them and you could be like me whereby my
early life trauma caused me to be quite an oppositional person as a young child
(04:23):
and probably now and so I took the other route where I saw a lot of avoidance
in my early life a lot of sweeping it under the rug, that's what that generation did, right?
And like many of you, I decided that I didn't want that for my life.
And for me, having those hard conversations is one way that I've broken that chain.
(04:47):
And every single generation breaks chains of unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior.
I'm not blaming my parents for how they were in their life.
They were a product of their generation. generation and my children,
like your children, if you have children, the next generation will break our
dysfunctional behavior.
(05:08):
They'll change, they'll evolve, they'll grow off the back of what we have developed
and that is a good thing, that is healthy and that is not about blaming.
Let's get stuck into them. So the first thing to look at when you're feeling
really stuck or you've got something
boiling that is bubbling up
that is very difficult that is a situation for example and it could be a situation
(05:34):
that's external to you that involves other people or it could be something that's
going on inside you for example your mental or physical well-being when we're
going through perimenopause.
So this first tool is looking at what is in my control and looking at what is
outside of my control and getting very clear about that.
(05:57):
Because what is outside of your control is really a waste of time to try and change.
You're better off figuring out
what is actually inside my control and then taking steps to change that.
Now in any situation, situation, any difficult situation, in my experience,
(06:19):
there has been many aspects that have been outside of my control and some that
have been inside my control.
I would take for the example of when my mother was really unwell and in the
hospital, there was so much about her health that was outside of my control.
And that was really, really hard to navigate. But I had to.
(06:40):
Become aware, figure out what was outside of my control.
It might seem really obvious, but what our brain does, if we don't define what
is outside of our control and what is in our control, our brain will try and
fix and control and sort everything out, all of it out.
But when you've separated and defined things into these two different camps,
(07:04):
you can then have much more agency in what is happening.
So when my mum was sick in hospital, I couldn't heal her. I couldn't fix her.
Even the doctors and specialists that were looking after her didn't know what
was going on. There was so much that was out of their control.
And so it's very normal and natural that my brain was trying to get to that
(07:26):
conclusion where she is healed, or at least she would know, we would know what
her treatment protocol was.
But they didn't really know what was going on for her.
There was all sorts of diagnoses flying around, as you will know if you've had
a loved one, who has been unwell or if you have yourself, there's often quite
a bumpy path to figuring out the diagnosis.
(07:46):
And so when you understand what's
outside your control, then you can bring radical acceptance to that.
So this piece around my mother's health, I can't control this.
This is way beyond, obviously, anything I can do to change.
And so I work to bring radical acceptance to that and radical acceptance is
(08:08):
acknowledging what is, even when we don't like it, even when it frightens us,
even when it goes completely against what we would choose for ourselves or another person,
it is facing into reality as it is right now.
So that was helpful for me because then it freed up my mental energy once I had that.
(08:33):
Acceptance and awareness then it freed up
my mental energy to focus on what is
in the realms of my control here with
my mother being unwell and what was in the
realms of my control was how I was
with her we had a we had a complex
relationship my mum and I and and
(08:55):
so I made a conscious
choice and I still remember the moment in the hospital I
had quite a lot of barriers to my mum and it sounds
awful to say it now because she loved me
so much but these barriers came from trauma
as they often do and so I found it hard.
To be close and intimate and
(09:16):
really loving with her and I remember being
in the hospital and she just had a really bad reaction to some
medication that some kind of mental break from
the medication where she was not lucid and
she was seeing things and saying things that were outside of reality and
this happened really really fast once she'd had that medication and
I realized in that moment that I needed
(09:39):
to let my walls down and
I hadn't been able to do it before I had tried but
I hadn't been able to do it before and in that
moment though I could feel it in
my body and I can feel it now as I talk about it I let my the walls down of
my heart and I let myself be close to her like emotionally really close to her
(10:01):
and it's not to say that we didn't have a loving relationship we did but I always
kept myself a little bit separate and that is a pattern of mine that comes from
some really early life of trauma.
So I made that, I don't know if I made the decision or like in my conscious
mind or my heart made the decision, but anyway, those barriers came down.
And then I was able to be there for my mother as hard as it was through all of those months.
(10:27):
I was really an open book for her.
Person of support my other two sisters weren't living here
so it was really my stepfather and myself and
I feel like there was a lot of healing that happened because I
was able to show up for her so getting back to
the strategy is that I was able to focus on what was in my control and really
(10:50):
the only thing that was in my control in that moment was how am I going to be
with my mother while she goes through this really painful scary journey that
nobody asked for this right that she doesn't want,
how often am I going to show up and how am I going to be with her as I show up?
And I really had to stretch myself and I'm really glad I did because there was
(11:14):
healing beyond I'm sure what I can even imagine right now across my relationship with her,
across our entire family through that experience.
So to summarize, the first strategy is around understanding what is outside
of my control, what is inside of my control, and then bringing my attention,
(11:39):
awareness, energy, and focus.
To what is inside my control, what I can change, and leaving the rest as it is.
Practicing radical acceptance with the rest of it. That's the first tool.
The second tool that I want to share with you that is going to help you break
(11:59):
through that stuckness that you have in your life.
Now, this is something that so many women, and these are like you, you're listening.
I know you're an incredible woman. Whether you feel that about yourself or not, I know that you are.
And so many women that come on the midlife upgrade course with me, they start out feeling
(12:20):
really stuck and not sure how to create change because we often think that we
have to create this big, big external life change to create change within ourselves.
And that's not always or often the case.
We can create these perception shifts within ourself and our blinkers come off
(12:40):
and we see the world in a different way.
So this next piece, if you're feeling really stuck and you know what you need to do.
So I had a lovely client and she knew what she needed to do,
but she just couldn't gather herself to make the steps to reach out,
to start doing these new things in her life.
(13:02):
She knew that her world was getting smaller and that she didn't want it that way.
But for some reason, she could not get herself into action to go out and do
those small new things, meet new people, try new activities,
which was what her goal was.
This is also further complicated when we're going through perimenopause and
(13:24):
our energy might be shit.
Our sleep is in the tank and we just don't have the physical energy for it.
So very often we figure out, okay, so what support do you need within your physical
body, within your sleep right now?
So we can just improve your well-being a few points because when that's improved,
then you'll often get the mental energy and clarity to do the changes that you want to make.
(13:51):
That in itself is something we do through the course and that is not the strategy
I want to share with you, but it is a really, really important piece.
So the strategy, and you might've heard of it before, is the rocking chair test.
And the rocking chair test goes like this.
I ask myself, what if I do nothing to change my current state, my current behavior?
(14:15):
If I do nothing to change this, in 10 years time, what will my life look like?
And you let yourself project forward 10 years. I'm 53 now, I project Jacked
myself for 10 years to be 63.
Something I struggle with is having consistent motivation to exercise.
(14:38):
It pops up, it goes away, it pops up, it goes away, but I'm on the path and
that's the most important piece.
What if I'm really struggling with that motivation and that intentionality and I'm not doing it?
I haven't done anything for a month, as an example, right?
Let me project myself for 10 years. I'm 63 and I haven't strengthened my muscles.
(15:00):
I haven't done those squats.
I haven't done those, whatever they're called, split squats that drive me bananas.
I have just walked. What is the outcome going to be for me?
We know the outcome is going to be deterioration of my physical strength, stamina and fitness.
(15:20):
I'm going to be losing muscle over
that 10 years I would have lost muscle my posture probably
would have declined my fitness certainly
would and my strength certainly would and would I be feeling good about it very
unlikely right there's no way there's no way I'd be feeling good about being
in my body in that way and so the rocking chair test you can do that for any
(15:43):
any aspect of your life Anything that you know that you're stuck with,
but that you just can't seem to get the impetus to create the change.
This rocking chair test helps us to realize the cost of not taking those small steps to create change.
(16:04):
And this is where we are harnessing intentionality.
Motivation comes and goes that's just what motivation does that's okay we don't
need to always be motivated but I have an intention to be a strong active 63
year old and 73 year old and 83 year old ongoing.
(16:28):
I want to be that person, I need to do the work now.
So that is one way to kickstart a breakthrough on something you want to create
change with, that you're feeling very stuck with.
We can't rely on motivation and we really can't rely on motivation when we're
in midlife because it'll wane, it'll leave the building and go and live somewhere else.
(16:54):
We've got to engage with this deeper intentionality.
Envisioning ourself, not having done that thing we know we need to do or we
want to do or create that change in 10 years time can actually harness more
intentionality so you can take that next step forward for yourself.
(17:14):
And lastly, we have a little saying in my family and it goes and it's said every
now and then when somebody needs some help or they need something,
carried or they need an extra pair of hands and that
is share the load Mr Frodo from
Lord of the Rings right share the load and this relates very specifically to
(17:38):
when we're all in our head we're all in ourself about our problem okay so as
an example I've got something going on at work where
I feel like I'm being bullied by a senior staff member.
I haven't talked to anyone about it. It's been going on for a long time.
It's something that's really consuming my energy and my focus.
(18:03):
This is where we want to share the load.
Because our inner turmoil ramps up when we're just inside our own head thinking about it.
Same goes if I'm having a particularly hard time emotionally,
which is really common in perimenopause.
(18:25):
We can feel very low and weepy and down.
We have no idea why. It's just kind of hit us like a ton of bricks.
We've woken up in the morning and you can feel in your body,
it feels like it's not going to be a good day.
And then this can go on and on. And we try and figure it out.
We try and figure out what's going on, why we're like this. We try and look at our beliefs.
(18:48):
We try and look at all sorts of things, but we just remain in the same place.
Now, if this goes on for any length of time, it's really important that we share
the load of what is going on for us with someone else.
For those of you that I can hear who are, I don't want to trouble other people with my shit.
(19:11):
I don't want to give that to them. This is how I see it.
Someone who can hold space for you without judgment.
And not giving advice unless you ask them for advice.
They hold the space so that you can externalize your problems,
your thoughts, your emotions, those circles of thoughts that just go round and
(19:33):
round and round that we get stuck in.
And they can, from a non-judgmental place, reflect that back to you,
just kind of let you know what they're hearing about what you say.
It is a very, very empowering experience that creates a shift in our own perspective,
and it actually opens up the doorways for the possibility of new solutions.
(19:56):
This is why counselling is really helpful at certain stages of life.
Now we often think that we'll go to a counsellor and they're going to give us
lots of advice. They're going to tell us how to sort out our marriage,
our finances, and how we relate to our kids.
But good therapeutic counseling and psychotherapy helps you to find those answers within yourself.
(20:19):
It doesn't mean that they're always sitting there not saying anything and just
saying, mm-hmm, aha, I see.
Like we see on television, there'll be more interaction than that.
But ultimately, when you're in therapy, you are being supported to discover
your values, your choices, your way through problems.
(20:43):
It is that trusting environment when done so well from a therapist that makes all the difference.
But we don't always need a really good therapist to hold the space.
A really good friend can do that as well when they come from a neutral place.
And sharing the problem, whether it's the workplace problem or the emotional,
(21:07):
I'm feeling really low problem.
The funny thing is, when we share what's in our mind and in our heart,
when we're really troubled, even if we don't get a solution from the person we're sharing it with,
just the act of speaking it out to that neutral listening ear helps us to make
(21:29):
sense of our thoughts and feelings and emotions and struggles,
helps us to see what we're actually dealing with,
helps us to let off a bit of the emotional pressure that builds up when we try
and navigate everything by ourselves.
And because we live in such an individualistic culture.
(21:50):
Western culture anyway, we're kind of, I think we're raised to think that we
need to sort this shit out inside ourselves and if we don't we're weak and I
wholeheartedly oppose that.
I think that is detrimental, so detrimental and so wrong and that is why so
many people struggle with sharing their difficult feelings.
(22:13):
They feel shame around sharing what they perceive as their weakness and vulnerability
but being able to share what is in your heart and in your mind when you're going
through something difficult, when you're feeling stuck and you have that reflected back,
not in a way of somebody like telling you what to do or shutting you down,
(22:34):
but being that neutral listening person.
It really is an incredible doorway to creating change.
There is an internal psychological pressure that is released.
And then what happens is we have much more access to our frontal brain where
(22:56):
we can make rational, logical choices.
And because we've expressed ourselves in all of that storm that's going on inside
of us, we have more access to our heart and our gut and our inner knowing and we can regulate again.
Again, we're co-regulating with that person who is hearing us.
(23:21):
And we might not have solved the problem in one conversation,
but we've definitely relieved the storm that is inside.
And that is a powerful step forward to creating change and getting unstuck.
Those are my three breakthroughs for when you're feeling stuck for you.
(23:43):
Think about which one you're going
to engage in your life and practice with
for the next week is it the
what's in my control what's outside of my control
strategy is it the rocking chair
test or is it share the load have an amazing amazing week my friend let me know
(24:04):
which one spoke to you the most or if you've got another breakthrough that you
use when you're feeling stuck I hope that's been really really helpful so much
love from me to you and I'll talk to you real soon.
Hey thanks for joining me on the podcast really appreciate
you check out my course where we just go so
much deeper than I can ever do on a podcast over an eight-week period the midlife
(24:29):
upgrade course is a blend of video and learning modules and weekly live calls
where you will discover a A Roadmap for Psychological Freedom in Midlife.
Check out all the details on my website. I really, really would love to have you join the course.
Megancare.co.nz forward slash course.
Kia ora. Are you a woman navigating midlife, menopause and beyond?
I'm Megan Keir, your midlife mentor and psychosynthesis counsellor and coach.
Join me as we dive deep into the heart of midlife, unravelling the complexities
of menopause and exploring uncharted territories that lie beyond.
Together, we'll navigate through self-doubt, bid farewell to people-pleasing,
(00:22):
conquer imposter syndrome and tame those overwhelming feelings.
It's time to celebrate this vibrant second chapter of life, claiming your authentic
confidence and courage along the way.
Midlife is not a time to settle. It is a time to unleash your purpose,
make an impact uniquely your own, all while prioritizing your well-being.
(00:43):
So buckle up for conversations that resonate with the essence of your midlife
journey. Are you ready? Let's begin.
Hey my friend, how is my week going? let me reflect on that for a moment.
I have had some hard conversations with family members and that's never an easy thing to do.
(01:03):
And it often takes up a lot of our emotional and psychic energy.
So that came to a peak yesterday and I have to say it went really well.
There was respect on both sides, not an easy thing to converse about,
but came to an agreement or at least an outcome.
And that's a good thing, right? I am such an advocate for having the hard conversations.
(01:29):
And often that's with people that are external to us.
It also works on an internal level as
well we very often are in avoidance of our
own hard conversations to have with ourselves
because avoidance feels easier it feels like we don't have to navigate our way
(01:50):
through confronting something that we are not happy with or we don't like or
we're afraid of and we're avoiding but that ties up so much of our mental emotional emotional,
and psychological energy.
Even though I don't enjoy them like everybody, I really dislike the feeling
(02:13):
of avoidance so much more than having the hard conversations.
And for me, it's about letting myself feel the feelings, feel a bit afraid,
feel the pissed stuffness, feel the awkwardness, not know where to start and
not know what to say, be accepting that we're not going to agree on everything
(02:36):
and then work towards a solution together.
I think that's such a liberating tool that we have as adults,
but nobody's taught us that.
Most of that I've learned through my counselling training, working with people
for so long, being in an intimate relationship with my partner for so long,
(02:56):
having to work through things and how do we learn how to do that skill right?
I think it's an interesting topic. It is not the topic of our conversation today,
but it definitely feeds into it because the main point of our.
Podcast today is three midlife breakthroughs for when you're feeling stuck.
(03:18):
And I've got three other tools that you can use, strategies that you can employ.
But I think that one around having the hard conversation is a very fast way to get you unstuck.
Because if you pay attention to your inner landscape, you will know where there
(03:38):
is the open tab of something that you've been avoiding.
Some of us are very, very good at avoiding and fooling ourselves,
and we hide this important information from ourselves, and that is nothing to
get down on yourself about.
That comes from a coping mechanism.
(03:59):
That was the only way we could keep ourselves safe, to
keep ourself emotionally settled was
to go into a pattern of avoidance
and very often if our parents were avoiders we learned
it from them and you could be like me whereby my
early life trauma caused me to be quite an oppositional person as a young child
(04:23):
and probably now and so I took the other route where I saw a lot of avoidance
in my early life a lot of sweeping it under the rug, that's what that generation did, right?
And like many of you, I decided that I didn't want that for my life.
And for me, having those hard conversations is one way that I've broken that chain.
(04:47):
And every single generation breaks chains of unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior.
I'm not blaming my parents for how they were in their life.
They were a product of their generation. generation and my children,
like your children, if you have children, the next generation will break our
dysfunctional behavior.
(05:08):
They'll change, they'll evolve, they'll grow off the back of what we have developed
and that is a good thing, that is healthy and that is not about blaming.
Let's get stuck into them. So the first thing to look at when you're feeling
really stuck or you've got something
boiling that is bubbling up
that is very difficult that is a situation for example and it could be a situation
(05:34):
that's external to you that involves other people or it could be something that's
going on inside you for example your mental or physical well-being when we're
going through perimenopause.
So this first tool is looking at what is in my control and looking at what is
outside of my control and getting very clear about that.
(05:57):
Because what is outside of your control is really a waste of time to try and change.
You're better off figuring out
what is actually inside my control and then taking steps to change that.
Now in any situation, situation, any difficult situation, in my experience,
(06:19):
there has been many aspects that have been outside of my control and some that
have been inside my control.
I would take for the example of when my mother was really unwell and in the
hospital, there was so much about her health that was outside of my control.
And that was really, really hard to navigate. But I had to.
(06:40):
Become aware, figure out what was outside of my control.
It might seem really obvious, but what our brain does, if we don't define what
is outside of our control and what is in our control, our brain will try and
fix and control and sort everything out, all of it out.
But when you've separated and defined things into these two different camps,
(07:04):
you can then have much more agency in what is happening.
So when my mum was sick in hospital, I couldn't heal her. I couldn't fix her.
Even the doctors and specialists that were looking after her didn't know what
was going on. There was so much that was out of their control.
And so it's very normal and natural that my brain was trying to get to that
(07:26):
conclusion where she is healed, or at least she would know, we would know what
her treatment protocol was.
But they didn't really know what was going on for her.
There was all sorts of diagnoses flying around, as you will know if you've had
a loved one, who has been unwell or if you have yourself, there's often quite
a bumpy path to figuring out the diagnosis.
(07:46):
And so when you understand what's
outside your control, then you can bring radical acceptance to that.
So this piece around my mother's health, I can't control this.
This is way beyond, obviously, anything I can do to change.
And so I work to bring radical acceptance to that and radical acceptance is
(08:08):
acknowledging what is, even when we don't like it, even when it frightens us,
even when it goes completely against what we would choose for ourselves or another person,
it is facing into reality as it is right now.
So that was helpful for me because then it freed up my mental energy once I had that.
(08:33):
Acceptance and awareness then it freed up
my mental energy to focus on what is
in the realms of my control here with
my mother being unwell and what was in the
realms of my control was how I was
with her we had a we had a complex
relationship my mum and I and and
(08:55):
so I made a conscious
choice and I still remember the moment in the hospital I
had quite a lot of barriers to my mum and it sounds
awful to say it now because she loved me
so much but these barriers came from trauma
as they often do and so I found it hard.
To be close and intimate and
(09:16):
really loving with her and I remember being
in the hospital and she just had a really bad reaction to some
medication that some kind of mental break from
the medication where she was not lucid and
she was seeing things and saying things that were outside of reality and
this happened really really fast once she'd had that medication and
I realized in that moment that I needed
(09:39):
to let my walls down and
I hadn't been able to do it before I had tried but
I hadn't been able to do it before and in that
moment though I could feel it in
my body and I can feel it now as I talk about it I let my the walls down of
my heart and I let myself be close to her like emotionally really close to her
(10:01):
and it's not to say that we didn't have a loving relationship we did but I always
kept myself a little bit separate and that is a pattern of mine that comes from
some really early life of trauma.
So I made that, I don't know if I made the decision or like in my conscious
mind or my heart made the decision, but anyway, those barriers came down.
And then I was able to be there for my mother as hard as it was through all of those months.
(10:27):
I was really an open book for her.
Person of support my other two sisters weren't living here
so it was really my stepfather and myself and
I feel like there was a lot of healing that happened because I
was able to show up for her so getting back to
the strategy is that I was able to focus on what was in my control and really
(10:50):
the only thing that was in my control in that moment was how am I going to be
with my mother while she goes through this really painful scary journey that
nobody asked for this right that she doesn't want,
how often am I going to show up and how am I going to be with her as I show up?
And I really had to stretch myself and I'm really glad I did because there was
(11:14):
healing beyond I'm sure what I can even imagine right now across my relationship with her,
across our entire family through that experience.
So to summarize, the first strategy is around understanding what is outside
of my control, what is inside of my control, and then bringing my attention,
(11:39):
awareness, energy, and focus.
To what is inside my control, what I can change, and leaving the rest as it is.
Practicing radical acceptance with the rest of it. That's the first tool.
The second tool that I want to share with you that is going to help you break
(11:59):
through that stuckness that you have in your life.
Now, this is something that so many women, and these are like you, you're listening.
I know you're an incredible woman. Whether you feel that about yourself or not, I know that you are.
And so many women that come on the midlife upgrade course with me, they start out feeling
(12:20):
really stuck and not sure how to create change because we often think that we
have to create this big, big external life change to create change within ourselves.
And that's not always or often the case.
We can create these perception shifts within ourself and our blinkers come off
(12:40):
and we see the world in a different way.
So this next piece, if you're feeling really stuck and you know what you need to do.
So I had a lovely client and she knew what she needed to do,
but she just couldn't gather herself to make the steps to reach out,
to start doing these new things in her life.
(13:02):
She knew that her world was getting smaller and that she didn't want it that way.
But for some reason, she could not get herself into action to go out and do
those small new things, meet new people, try new activities,
which was what her goal was.
This is also further complicated when we're going through perimenopause and
(13:24):
our energy might be shit.
Our sleep is in the tank and we just don't have the physical energy for it.
So very often we figure out, okay, so what support do you need within your physical
body, within your sleep right now?
So we can just improve your well-being a few points because when that's improved,
then you'll often get the mental energy and clarity to do the changes that you want to make.
(13:51):
That in itself is something we do through the course and that is not the strategy
I want to share with you, but it is a really, really important piece.
So the strategy, and you might've heard of it before, is the rocking chair test.
And the rocking chair test goes like this.
I ask myself, what if I do nothing to change my current state, my current behavior?
(14:15):
If I do nothing to change this, in 10 years time, what will my life look like?
And you let yourself project forward 10 years. I'm 53 now, I project Jacked
myself for 10 years to be 63.
Something I struggle with is having consistent motivation to exercise.
(14:38):
It pops up, it goes away, it pops up, it goes away, but I'm on the path and
that's the most important piece.
What if I'm really struggling with that motivation and that intentionality and I'm not doing it?
I haven't done anything for a month, as an example, right?
Let me project myself for 10 years. I'm 63 and I haven't strengthened my muscles.
(15:00):
I haven't done those squats.
I haven't done those, whatever they're called, split squats that drive me bananas.
I have just walked. What is the outcome going to be for me?
We know the outcome is going to be deterioration of my physical strength, stamina and fitness.
(15:20):
I'm going to be losing muscle over
that 10 years I would have lost muscle my posture probably
would have declined my fitness certainly
would and my strength certainly would and would I be feeling good about it very
unlikely right there's no way there's no way I'd be feeling good about being
in my body in that way and so the rocking chair test you can do that for any
(15:43):
any aspect of your life Anything that you know that you're stuck with,
but that you just can't seem to get the impetus to create the change.
This rocking chair test helps us to realize the cost of not taking those small steps to create change.
(16:04):
And this is where we are harnessing intentionality.
Motivation comes and goes that's just what motivation does that's okay we don't
need to always be motivated but I have an intention to be a strong active 63
year old and 73 year old and 83 year old ongoing.
(16:28):
I want to be that person, I need to do the work now.
So that is one way to kickstart a breakthrough on something you want to create
change with, that you're feeling very stuck with.
We can't rely on motivation and we really can't rely on motivation when we're
in midlife because it'll wane, it'll leave the building and go and live somewhere else.
(16:54):
We've got to engage with this deeper intentionality.
Envisioning ourself, not having done that thing we know we need to do or we
want to do or create that change in 10 years time can actually harness more
intentionality so you can take that next step forward for yourself.
(17:14):
And lastly, we have a little saying in my family and it goes and it's said every
now and then when somebody needs some help or they need something,
carried or they need an extra pair of hands and that
is share the load Mr Frodo from
Lord of the Rings right share the load and this relates very specifically to
(17:38):
when we're all in our head we're all in ourself about our problem okay so as
an example I've got something going on at work where
I feel like I'm being bullied by a senior staff member.
I haven't talked to anyone about it. It's been going on for a long time.
It's something that's really consuming my energy and my focus.
(18:03):
This is where we want to share the load.
Because our inner turmoil ramps up when we're just inside our own head thinking about it.
Same goes if I'm having a particularly hard time emotionally,
which is really common in perimenopause.
(18:25):
We can feel very low and weepy and down.
We have no idea why. It's just kind of hit us like a ton of bricks.
We've woken up in the morning and you can feel in your body,
it feels like it's not going to be a good day.
And then this can go on and on. And we try and figure it out.
We try and figure out what's going on, why we're like this. We try and look at our beliefs.
(18:48):
We try and look at all sorts of things, but we just remain in the same place.
Now, if this goes on for any length of time, it's really important that we share
the load of what is going on for us with someone else.
For those of you that I can hear who are, I don't want to trouble other people with my shit.
(19:11):
I don't want to give that to them. This is how I see it.
Someone who can hold space for you without judgment.
And not giving advice unless you ask them for advice.
They hold the space so that you can externalize your problems,
your thoughts, your emotions, those circles of thoughts that just go round and
(19:33):
round and round that we get stuck in.
And they can, from a non-judgmental place, reflect that back to you,
just kind of let you know what they're hearing about what you say.
It is a very, very empowering experience that creates a shift in our own perspective,
and it actually opens up the doorways for the possibility of new solutions.
(19:56):
This is why counselling is really helpful at certain stages of life.
Now we often think that we'll go to a counsellor and they're going to give us
lots of advice. They're going to tell us how to sort out our marriage,
our finances, and how we relate to our kids.
But good therapeutic counseling and psychotherapy helps you to find those answers within yourself.
(20:19):
It doesn't mean that they're always sitting there not saying anything and just
saying, mm-hmm, aha, I see.
Like we see on television, there'll be more interaction than that.
But ultimately, when you're in therapy, you are being supported to discover
your values, your choices, your way through problems.
(20:43):
It is that trusting environment when done so well from a therapist that makes all the difference.
But we don't always need a really good therapist to hold the space.
A really good friend can do that as well when they come from a neutral place.
And sharing the problem, whether it's the workplace problem or the emotional,
(21:07):
I'm feeling really low problem.
The funny thing is, when we share what's in our mind and in our heart,
when we're really troubled, even if we don't get a solution from the person we're sharing it with,
just the act of speaking it out to that neutral listening ear helps us to make
(21:29):
sense of our thoughts and feelings and emotions and struggles,
helps us to see what we're actually dealing with,
helps us to let off a bit of the emotional pressure that builds up when we try
and navigate everything by ourselves.
And because we live in such an individualistic culture.
(21:50):
Western culture anyway, we're kind of, I think we're raised to think that we
need to sort this shit out inside ourselves and if we don't we're weak and I
wholeheartedly oppose that.
I think that is detrimental, so detrimental and so wrong and that is why so
many people struggle with sharing their difficult feelings.
(22:13):
They feel shame around sharing what they perceive as their weakness and vulnerability
but being able to share what is in your heart and in your mind when you're going
through something difficult, when you're feeling stuck and you have that reflected back,
not in a way of somebody like telling you what to do or shutting you down,
(22:34):
but being that neutral listening person.
It really is an incredible doorway to creating change.
There is an internal psychological pressure that is released.
And then what happens is we have much more access to our frontal brain where
(22:56):
we can make rational, logical choices.
And because we've expressed ourselves in all of that storm that's going on inside
of us, we have more access to our heart and our gut and our inner knowing and we can regulate again.
Again, we're co-regulating with that person who is hearing us.
(23:21):
And we might not have solved the problem in one conversation,
but we've definitely relieved the storm that is inside.
And that is a powerful step forward to creating change and getting unstuck.
Those are my three breakthroughs for when you're feeling stuck for you.
(23:43):
Think about which one you're going
to engage in your life and practice with
for the next week is it the
what's in my control what's outside of my control
strategy is it the rocking chair
test or is it share the load have an amazing amazing week my friend let me know
(24:04):
which one spoke to you the most or if you've got another breakthrough that you
use when you're feeling stuck I hope that's been really really helpful so much
love from me to you and I'll talk to you real soon.
Hey thanks for joining me on the podcast really appreciate
you check out my course where we just go so
much deeper than I can ever do on a podcast over an eight-week period the midlife
(24:29):
upgrade course is a blend of video and learning modules and weekly live calls
where you will discover a A Roadmap for Psychological Freedom in Midlife.
Check out all the details on my website. I really, really would love to have you join the course.
Megancare.co.nz forward slash course.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.