Places I Can’t Return To

Chapter 25- the last three times we had to drive to the hospital because one of my brothers or sisters nearly killed themselves by accident. See, in the 1980s, nothing was child-locked- aspirin was available at stores like so many loose screws. Kids could walk into active kitchens and, long story short, when you were one of six kids- you were ALWAYS at the hospital.

Stories on how dads can not handle the stress of driving long distances with kids. The kids never get in sync with their bathroom breaks, they fight and, in this case, they also get your thrown out of restaurants. 

Sean talks about attending the first, or one of the first, craft beer festivals in Cleveland during the 1990s. The open bar requires that patrons pass regular sobriety tests, which Sean and his friends eagerly agree to. There's also a spirited discussion on what makes a bar a dive bar.

After surviving enough close calls in my teens and early twenties, I came to believe, for a short while, I was indestructible, which created an awkward situation when I was diagnosed with cancer and delayed treatment to attend a Cubs game.

When hackers deleted the most viewed youtube video of all time, it reminded me of the time I engaged in my own bit of cyber crime, in the 1990s after a radio top 40s DJ said The Clash was a bad band.

Traveling to New York City with a broken back, torso cast and shattered heel, I have the best time of live in the Bronx. We have a strategy for saving money on booze at the stadium that both works and destroys us. We also notice that New Yorkers are incredibly nice to us, while threatening to kill each other.

Chapter 18, where I talk about how I drunkenly purchased a website that nearly ruined my job search. I also discuss St. Patrick's Day in Chicago and how they dye the river green.

When customers used to scream at me or team members, I sent them to a fake retail store. The directions actually landed them at a terrible strip club in a bad area of town.

A chapter about the career-long quest my friends and I had for obtaining fake IDs in high school, along with our frequent plans for skipping school, most of which were well-executed and therefore boring, but some that failed spectacularly. Our best plan ended in skipping school to cross the US border.

I fall off a roof trying to sneak into a Huey Lewis show. And that might not have been the worst accident of the evening.

I interviewed at the wrong the company- and it was one of my better interviews. I also share the three weirdest decisions I ever made during job interviews. And I've done of a ton of them.

I attended the wrong wedding. Twice. When comedy bookers ask me for a bio, that's all I send them- that I attended the wrong wedding, twice. That sums it all up. This is the story about both times.

I always lied on job interviews thinking, what's the worse that can happen? They catch you in a lie and you don't get the job?- You wouldn't have gotten it anyway. It turns out, the worst thing that can happen is you DO get the job. This is what happens when you get a job you are not qualified for.

I nearly kill myself and two passengers, driving off a bridge while trying to reach a baseball game.

I get drunk in the freezing cold in Cleveland with southerners who are stuck there by accident.  I share a few additional stories that all illustrate how drunk swimming is like declaring war- you must have an exit strategy first. 

I tell the story about how I added my wife's last name to my own, which was not easy to do in Illinois (at the time). But, luckily, Illinois bureaucrats are creative.

I was fired from a job for having too big of a vocabulary. Or at least that's how I tell the story. I also talk about how computer employees and IT support staff try to trade stupid customers off to coworkers, rather than dealing with them directly.

Day drinking leads to Sean and a buddy nearly exploding themselves, which leads Sean to wonder if walking drunk is more dangerous than driving drunk.

My family's annual St. Patrick's Day tradition: skipping school to go watch the parade in downtown Cleveland. Then losing at least two of my brothers.