DNA Family Secrets: Can I find my father? Sarah's story

In the last 50 years, the number of single parent households in the UK has almost quadrupled to 23%. 43-year-old Sarah never met here dad and came to DNA Family Secrets to see if he could be found.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
I'm Turi King and I'm here with Sarah, who took part in series three of DNA Family Secrets. Sarah
was an Olympic athlete who came to us to find out the identity of her biological father. So,
Sarah for those who haven't seen the episode of DNA Family secrets that you're in, talk me
through the background to your question when you came to us, why did you come?

(00:22):
Because I wanted to know where I got my athletic ability from.
Is it just on my mum or was it from my dad?So, what did you know? So, you came to us, and
you didn't know who your biological father was.I knew a name, which I thought was his name,
and I had a picture.Yeah.
And that’s it, and just a little bits of what my mum had told me.
Yeah.Just told me
that his name was Tico Phillip. He was based here at the US Air Force,

(00:46):
in Suffolk. And I think she met him on a night out. Yeah, and that’s... went on from there.
So, you're born, did he know about you?So, by the time she knew she was pregnant
he'd already gone back to America, he'd left here. So then when I was born, after six months,
I think she sent him a letter. But I think his wife at the time intercepted the letter,

(01:07):
which we never knew, and he managed to get the picture out of the card before his wife destroyed
the letter. But on the back, it only said my first name and my middle name, not my surname.
So, he had no way of knowing you, I suppose, as you're growing up.
Yeah.Did your mum ever try again?
Yeah. So, she said that she contacted the colonel of the air base. He'd given her my dad's number,

(01:33):
so she called the phone, his wife at the time picked up the phone, and then,
kind of, just hung up the phone.But then my mum was saying, like,
it was easy for her to track him down. So, if he really wanted to, he could have done the same
thing. But I think in his mind he didn't believe I was his and he thought that's what the case was.
So, I suppose you grow up and you have an amazing career.

(01:56):
Yes.So, talk me through that.
Yeah. So, from when I was 7 or 8, I’d always like win school sports days and mum was saying,
oh, you were always running around the garden when I was 2 or 3 years old. And then a coach
from one of the clubs in Colchester came to my mum and said, like, your daughter is really good
at track and field, athletics. Bring her to the club one evening and just see if she likes it.

(02:19):
And then when I was 16, I had my first major competition. I was covering for Denise Lewis
because she was injured. So that's my first, like, major competition. And then from there went to
Olympic Games, World Championships, indoors, outdoors, European Championships indoors,
outdoors, Commonwealth Games in Manchester.Wow. So, did your mum tell you terribly much about

(02:41):
your dad? Was he, like, particularly athletic or anything? I suppose he wasn't very old, was he?
So, I found out he was 26, so a few years older than my mum. They met each other,
and then she said that he would come down on the weekends. She would cook
for him and just talk and stuff like that.But I know, my mum, like, did javelin and
cross-country when she was at school. And we was, like, walking back from school, we’d always try

(03:03):
and race each other, but I’d always win.But this was something that we chatted
about during DNA Family Secrets, is that, you know, athletic ability, there's all kinds of
different factors involved. Some of it will be genetic and body shape and all sorts of things,
but also mental strength.Yes.
In terms of doing it, so this was the thing when you came, how were you doing? Because I thought,

(03:25):
this is this amazing woman, you clearly have a lot of mental strength in that you've been able
to pursue this career. Is that something that would be able to kind of help you through
the next, sort of, stage in terms of looking for your dad, were you nervous?
So nervous. And in my mind, it'd be like, they're not going to find him, they're going to find him,
not going to find him, they're going to find him. It's like a big roller coaster.

(03:47):
I was in Dubai at the time, so my family was in the UK, but for the most part I was just
by myself, just going through all these emotions like, yeah, it was so nerve wracking.
And how was your mum with it all?She was more nervous of me, because I think she
didn't want me to feel disappointed, in case he didn't want to know me, or that he had died or
anything. And then obviously she’s reliving her memories of how everything was as well. Yeah,

(04:08):
she was definitely worse than I was.Because you didn't have tons to go on. So,
you had this name, Tico Phillips, which of course the first thing you do is you Google
Tico Phillips, nothing.Nothing.
Out there, you presumably tried all this already?Yeah, for years I'd like, one year be like, yeah,
let me try to find him. So, I go and Google, like Google everything and then be like, yeah you know,

(04:29):
I'll leave it. Then five years later, let me try to find him again. So, it's always
like that. But then obviously because I didn't have his proper name, I couldn't find anything.
So, when we start the process, we have absolutely no idea where it's going to go.
And I remember thinking, wow, Tico Phillips, super quick check, can't find anything. But

(04:50):
with DNA testing these days, I mean, you knew your dad was an American soldier.
Yes, yeah.And DNA testing is hugely popular in the US, so I
thought, okay, there's likely to be a good chance that we might be able to find some DNA matches.
So, what I do is I take your DNA and I'm starting to look like, who are you getting DNA matches
with? And I'm trying to build a family tree to see if I can start to work out where your dad is.

(05:17):
So, I remember at this point I could get you back to a family that was living in Virginia,
a huge family that was living in Virginia in the latter part of the 19th century. I could then
start to kind of build the family tree down, and I could see this rather glamorous, beautiful woman

(05:39):
who had had a son. And then a few years later, she marries and has kids. So, from that I could
see that this first son, there wasn't a Tico in his name, but there was a Toledo as a middle name.
Yeah.And I thought, okay, this makes sense, need to

(06:01):
get in contact with him, and he knew about you?Yes.
So, I remember you and I were both getting a bit teary because it's really big. How are you doing
when I was able to kind of go, look, we found…It's just all the emotions just came out,
because obviously up until that point, I just kept everything in. I wasn't really talking to anyone,
because I don't want to be like, telling people, then all of a sudden like,

(06:24):
nothing happens. And I was just keeping it to myself, but I guess that's like the wrong thing
to do. And like my heartbeats racing. I'm just like, I feel like lightheaded as well.
Yeah.Feel like I'm going to pass out,
and then you say, like you found him. It's like, oh my God. It's like I left my body almost,
that’s what it felt like. Like I’d hear you talking, and I could see your mouth moving.
Like even through doing the Olympics, it's completely different. So, when you say, like you'd

(06:47):
be able to mentally get… it’s night and day.I was going to ask that.
Yeah, yeah. It’s completely different.Does it like, prepare you in any way,
shape, or form, or does it completely go out of the window because this is so emotional?
Yes. This is more personal.Yeah.
Whereas the Olympics you're doing something to win a prize almost.
Yeah.You're still
uncertain if you’re going to get it or not. But you kind of know, I've done this training.

(07:09):
Yeah.I'm at this point.
Yeah.And if I do this, this, this then
I can make the final, or make the semifinal. With the DNA stuff, things like that, it's different.
You're not in control.Yeah, exactly.
I suppose if you're doing your athletics, you're like, really kind of mentally strong.
Yes.Going, I am in control.
I know what my body can do.Exactly.
Where, if you're in this, I suppose it's kind of out of your

(07:30):
control. You don't know what's going to happen.Yeah, yeah, I wasn't sleeping. And if I did sleep,
I'd like sleep for like, two hours. I'd be, like, fully awake just thinking all the time.
It's a lot. And then, of course, I do the kind of DNA bit and we kind of let that sit, don't we,
for a bit. And then you go and see Stacey, who then hits you with all of this stuff. So,

(07:51):
tell me what it's like, you go in and see Stacey…So, we sit in the chair first.
Yeah.Outside, I mean, I'm shaking,
like just my whole body shaking. I'm like super emotional. Like you just given me my dream,
like you've just told me, like my dad is there and he wants to know me. And then I go in with Stacey,
we sit down. As I walk in like I can see, like she had a little envelope at the side of her chair.

(08:12):
Like, oh, no, he doesn’t want to, like, meet me or something. And obviously I sit
down and then she says, oh, yeah, we found him. Then she reaches down and
gets the envelope. Yeah, at that point again, I'm just like, underwater like…
Yeah.Yeah, it's weird.
Stacey had a letter.Yeah. It's strange just seeing
his emotions on the card, just knowing that he had been thinking about me, like he had been trying

(08:37):
to find me. Yeah, it was nice, I still have it. I'm going to frame it at some point. But, yeah,
it was really nice just to get something concrete.Yeah.
That is actually there, I know you get the pictures, but having a card with his writing and
his thoughts on the card is, yeah, it was nice.Yeah, because you were worried, like,
what if we find him but he doesn't want to…Yes, yeah, yeah, because you see it all the

(08:58):
time. Like people try to find their families and they're like, yeah, we don't want to know,
that ship sailed or, yeah. So, in the back of your mind, you always have that in there as well.
I mean, and that is something we always try to prepare people for because we don't know
what we're going to find at the other side of things. And it does happen…
Yeah.Where we find somebody and
they aren't in the right place or something, in their lives to be able to deal with it,

(09:22):
or they've kind of put it in the past and they don't want to deal with it anymore.
Yeah.But it must have been nice
then that your dad does want that…Oh yeah definitely.
Contact.Yeah, yeah, it was a nice surprise.
He's told me like recently he had been trying to find me. He said he’d watch like TV shows, or he'd
watched sporting events to try and see if you recognize anyone with the same features as him.

(09:43):
So, what did he know? Did he know that you were an athlete?
And he watched the Beijing Olympics. He said he watched Opening Ceremony because he was
trying to see, but obviously I wasn't there, I was still in Macao at that point. So, he said,
yeah, he was trying to see if he could recognize anybody, but he had no clue.
So, he…That I was into athletics.
Really?Yeah, didn't know anything.
That's amazing. So, he's watching these things, wondering whether or not he's going to see you,

(10:07):
but without knowing you're an athlete?Exactly. So, I'm pretty sure you probably
watched the final of the hurdles, but in America they show just their athletes. So, I'm thinking
he must have watched the final because the USA had three athletes in that race, so you must have seen
and not put it together that that’s me.How amazing is that? That's so cool.
It’s crazy.And how is your mum with it all?
She was shocked because in her mind as well, she thought that either had passed away already or

(10:33):
he just probably wouldn't be interested after all this time of not trying to find me himself.
Yeah.It's just surreal.
And this is the other question I always have because I catch up with people afterwards to
find out how it's going, because we don't know how it's going to go. So,
for some people, it's really difficult. And it must be difficult for you to some extent,
because your dad is in another country and others like they meet and kind of

(10:57):
nothing ever really develops or others, they're close enough by that they can develop a bond…
Yes, yeah.That happens and it's lovely,
people get enveloped completely into the family. What's it been like for you guys to…
It's been different to say that I have a dad now and I'm talking to him like almost every day,
but it's hard because in my mind I thought, yeah, I'd love him straight away and it would be like,

(11:20):
he's my dad, and I'd call him dad, like all the time, but I don't. It’s a bit like when
I'm messaging, I'll just say hi or good morning. And he'd be like, hi, daughter
and stuff like this. It still feels foreign to say my dad or to have like the feelings there,
like, oh, I love my dad. It's not there yet, which I feel bad about because I'm not too sure how it

(11:41):
should be, but should I love him straight away or does it take time? Like everyone's different.
But that makes sense because you haven't grown up with him around. You haven't got that history with
somebody. All the little, tiny things that create bonds as you’re growing up with somebody or,
you know somebody over a long period of time. So presumably it will take time to

(12:05):
build that relationship and made all the harder because he's in the US.
Yeah, for sure. So far away, like it is hard just talking on the phone.
Yeah.It's not the same.
But you've been over?Yeah. Yeah. So, after I
found out on Easter Sunday I was at a friend's house, because she's having like a party and I
see a number come up on my phone, and it said Florida. I thought oh, my God, it's my dad.

(12:30):
So, he said that he timed it for Easter, like new beginnings and Easter holidays and stuff to get in
contact with me, because I thought he was going to email me back, but he actually called. That's the
first time I spoke to him on the phone.Yeah.
So, from April up until August, we were talking like nearly every day. So,
I think it made it easier for when I actually did meet him in person, it wasn't so awkward because
we've been talking already. So, in the first week of August, I flew to Florida from Dubai.

(12:54):
He must be so proud of you?Yeah, he said he is, yeah.
Every five years we get a card in the post, that says once an Olympian, always an Olympian. So,
I sent him a picture of the card, and he goes oh I'm so proud of you, of like what you've done and
stuff like that. And he can actually see it like it's there on Google or on Wikipedia.
It's not just me telling him, it's like physically it's there, you can see videos of me running and

(13:17):
stuff like that. So yeah, he's definitely happy.So, there's a little parallel between your story
and your dad's story, because I could see in the records that he had been born before his mum,
so your grandma, had gotten married?Yes.
And it turned out he didn't know who his dad was either. And I could see that you were getting DNA

(13:42):
matches into this particular family. So, after knowing your dad didn't know who his dad was,
I started building a little bit more around that, and we've managed to find his dad for him, too.
Yeah, that was crazy.How’s that's been for him?
That was crazy. So, when you were telling me, so you were messaging me,
so I'm messaging my dad, I'm like you need to sit down, why, what's wrong? I'm like,

(14:02):
Turi has found your dad. He's like, what? Yeah, she's found your dad and your brother,
like half-brother and your granddad. Like you said, the parallels of like our journey, visiting
almost the same places and just not knowing who our dads were. From finding me he's managed now
he's found his other family as well.Yeah.

(14:25):
I think it took him a while just to process everything and to see that, again the parallels
on his dad's side as well, like the Navy, the Air Force, like military family for sure.
So, you've done all of this now, are you happy?Oh, yeah definitely, very happy. Because now I
can say like, my dad is this person. His name is this. He lives here. He this age,

(14:46):
and yeah, it's been, definitely a dream come true.Sarah, thanks so much for catching up with me.