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September 17, 2022 13 mins

Over 45,000 people in the UK are conceived through sperm donors. 25-year-old Tink, only found out as a teenager that she is one of them. Tink came to DNA Family Secrets because she wanted to test her DNA to learn about her ancestry and find out if she might have any half brothers or sisters.

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Episode Transcript

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(00:01):
So, for those of you who haven’t seen ityet, Tink was one of our contributors on season
one of DNA Family Secrets, and I thought itwould be really nice to catch up with her.
So Tink thank you so much for taking the timeto chat to me.
I guess we should start at the beginning, becausesome people might not have seen the programme.
So why did you come to DNA Family Secrets,what did you want to know?

(00:21):
So, I came to DNA Family Secrets because Iwanted to know if I had any donor siblings.
So, give us the background to that, so howdid you find out that you were donor conceived?
So, I was 17 and I was pregnant with my littleboy, and I lived with my dad at the time,
and he just randomly pulled me downstairsone day and he said, ‘I need to tell you something'.

(00:42):
And I was like, ‘Okay dad.’
And he was like, ‘no this is really serious.’
And he said, ‘you were donor conceived.’
And I was just like, ‘what?’
Do you know what prompted him, because you’rea parent, I’m a parent, to sit your child
down and go, ‘I’ve got something reallybig to tell you.’
That must have been really big for him todo that.
Yeah, I think my mum really wanted me to know,because I lived here with my dad.

(01:06):
So, I think she was threatening to tell me,and my dad wanted it to come form him, which
was fair enough.
Gosh, that must have been big for him, butmassive for you?
It was huge, I was just distraught, I wasjust crying my eyes out.
I remember having a blue night gown on withthis big bump and just thinking, why now,
how, this can’t be true, and I just went backto bed that night and just cried my eyes out.

(01:28):
Oh, bless.
Your dad clearly loved you to bits and you’vegot this life going and then suddenly you
find out its not quite what you thought itwas.
How long did it take to process that, anddid you get a chance to have any more chats
with dad?
No, me and my dad never spoke about it untilwe actually came on the programme.

(01:48):
So, I’m very much I bury my head in thesand and because I was a new mum at 17, my
head was somewhere else anyway.
So yeah, I didn’t ever really start thinkingabout it until I saw the programme being advertised.
That’s when I actually sat down with mydad and step mum, and asked for their blessing
first, because I thought I would never havedone it without my dad’s blessing.

(02:09):
Yeah, and I remember when I first met you,you were very clear, you wanted to know if
you had any half siblings, but you were reallyprotective of your dad.
And that was really sweet because you wereconcerned you didn’t want to hurt him, so
you weren’t actually worried about findingout about your donor father was, were you?
No, like I’d love to see a photo of himmaybe, just to see what he looked like.

(02:30):
But I would just never want to hurt my dad,and he would have supported me all the way
through if I wanted to do that, but I justfelt like I couldn’t hurt him like that.
Because I know it would have really hurt deepdown.
When you came to us did you know anythingabout your donor?
Nothing, I knew absolutely nothing, I didn’teven know where to start, what websites, nothing,

(02:51):
I had no idea, so I think the programme helpedamazingly with that, because they helped me
fill everything in.
And you fall into this slightly difficultperiod, so pre-1991 nothing was regulated,
so the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authoritystarts, and they start regulating all of the
donor conceptions that go on.

(03:12):
Pre-1991 that’s not going on so it’s reallydifficult to find anything out, you fall between
1991 and 2005.
So, anyone conceived post April 1st, 2005,can find out who their donor parent is, starting
next year when they reach 18, but you’rein this period when you could only find out
none identifying information.

(03:32):
So, did you know anything from the HEFA beforeyou came in?
They sent me a document and I’ve got a confessionto make.
I actually had the email the day before wecame to film and they said I could open it,
but they said it’s up to you and I was like,I’m not going to open it, I’m not going
to look and I was actually on my way to afitness class, called Beats, which is really
like uplifting, dancing, and I was in thecar park and I just couldn’t resist, and

(03:57):
I opened it and I just burst into floods oftears.
It's just so weird to think its there on thispiece of paper, well on my phone, on an email.
And I just cried my eyes out and then suddenlywent into this really happy, upbeat Beats
class while I was still crying.
So, I was dancing, oh my gosh this is reallyweird, yeah it was so strange.
What did the email say?

(04:19):
So when I opened the email it was the donorsprofile and it had the year he was born, how
tall he was, how much he weighed, his skintone, his eye colour, but he had added in
2004 where he was from and he said he wasnot religious, So that was huge for me because
I thought, if that didn’t have where hewas from on there, I would have felt like

(04:41):
well this doesn’t mean anything, anybodycould be that person.
But the fact that he had added that he wasIrish, that meant the world to me.
Because it was so cool to be like, oh wowI’m half Irish.
And that’s quite a big thing, I didn’tknow that he’d added something in 2004,
because that tells you that he’s thinkingabout it.
One of the things that’s come across whenI’ve talked to donors, it was something

(05:04):
they didn’t really think about, and theyalways thought that they were going to be
anonymous and one of the people we had onseries two was a man called Luke.
He’d had a close friend pass away and ithad made him start to think about, you know,
I was donating sperm a lot at a certain point,and there maybe children as a consequence
of that. And I think it’s really interesting if thisperson has added that information later, they’re

(05:26):
clearly thinking about what are the consequencesof that.
Yeah, and he still stayed anonymous, becauseI think they had asked him that, would you
like to stay anonymous or not?
And I think that’s when he said I want tostay anonymous.
And very few men have lifted their anonymityyet, I think some of them don’t know that
they can do it, but very few have, I thinkit’s just over 200.

(05:49):
So, you find out that your donor conceived,how does that feel, because I’m in a position
that I know who my folks are, I have thatluxury, but you didn’t, was that really difficult?
Yeah, it was really hard.
People didn’t understand because it wasn’tspoken about, you know, I told people in school,
all my closest friends and they just didn’treally understand, which is fine and I completely

(06:09):
understand, because what do you say?
It’s not spoken about at all really.
I feel like its still quite a taboo subject,because people say, well you were wanted,
you were wanted more than anything, and I’mlike, ‘yeah that’s very true,’ but at
the same time it’s still a very unusual thing forus, because we don’t know where we're from.
So, you’re right, there is that thing whereit’s a very positive thing, that clearly

(06:30):
you were wanted, but that doesn’t take awayfrom the fact that actually you still don’t
know half of what your ancestry is, and yourbackground is, so that must be a lot to process,
I think.
You know, parents were told, don’t tellyour children.
It was really hidden; I think people are startingto talk about it more.
And I think particularly with 2005 and thisidea that next year, once kids start to reach

(06:53):
18, they can start to find out who their donorparents are.
I think people are starting to talk aboutit more, and I hope they do.
How do you feel about that?
I think it’s going to open a big can ofworms, in a good way and a bad way, you know,
these 18-year-olds are going to be able toknow where they’re from.
They could find siblings, which would be amazing,but at the same time it could hurt their family,

(07:14):
like I was scared of hurting my dad.
But I think it’s really good that they canfind them now, because, for us we’re stuck
in this weird limbo of, well we don’t knowwhere we’re from and we’re never really
going to know, and you’ve just got to cometo terms with that, but sometimes it’s really
hard to come to terms with that.
So, watching DNA Family Secrets again, whatreally struck me was just how lovely the relationship

(07:37):
was between you and your dad, and I know he’ssadly no longer with us is he?
No, my dad passed away about 4 months agonow, it was a massive shock to us all.
During the programme, when we were filming,my dad called me and my sisters down to the
house and he sat us down, and we could justsee by his face something wasn’t right,

(07:59):
and he actually sat us down and told us heactually had lung cancer.
Oh bless.
So, we, we’re obviously all in bits, meand my sisters and my step mum, and he was
like, don’t you worry I’m going to fightthis, and I will fight this.
And we had every hope in him that he was goingto fight it, and I never really thought he
was going to go.
I though no he’ll be fine, he’ll havea load of chemo and he actually had surgery

(08:21):
to take the cancer out of his lung, he wasabsolutely fine, he overcome it.
And he actually went out to his villa.
He’d just bought a villa in Spain, so thatwas always his dream, his goal in life, and
they called it Our Happy Place, and he lovedit out there.
But he actually got an infection out in Spainand got really poorly.
And he came home then, they flew him home,and then he sadly passed away a couple of

(08:46):
weeks later.
Oh, that’s really sad, but I suppose ina way you’ve had this wonderful time with
somebody that who clearly adored you, I mean,that totally came across in the programme.
If a man can love somebody who’s technicallynot his, like he did, that just shows I think
how much of an amazing man he was.

(09:06):
He’s done a great job with you.
I know one of the other things you wantedto do was see if you could find any donor
half-siblings.
And presumably you could go through the HFEAfor that and find out.
So, they’ve got their donor-sibling link,but the first thing you have to do before
you go on that you have to talk to them andfind out, do you have any donor-siblings,

(09:29):
and did you?
I know at the end of the programme it said16.
I did, yeah.
So, it said I had 16, so 10 boys and 6 girls.
And I know all the years they were born.
And they could be together, so they couldhave been twins, or triplets, or the family
could have used the donor twice.
Yeah, it’s really weird and we’re allbetween the ages of 19 and 30.

(09:52):
So we’re all really close in age, whichis just absolutely mind blowing, like, do
they live down the road, did I go to schoolwith them, or do they live somewhere else
in the world?
It’s so weird and strange.
To know so much but actually to know so littleat the same time.
Yeah, because you don’t get to know whothey are.
So, you contacted the HFEA and say I wouldlike to know if there’s anyone else born

(10:13):
from my donor?
And they give you this list.
It’s like a teaser in a way.
And the only way to find out who they areis if they’ve put themselves on the donor-sibling
link, isn’t it, and have any of them doneit?
None of them, it’s just me, just littleold me on there, waiting.
But I think that you can’t get frustratedwith that.

(10:35):
It is frustrating because you just think,oh you’re so close, but you’re not.
But you’ve just got to find peace with itand just keep going, because I think if you
over think it, its just going to swallow youup.
And you need to just be patient and wait andjust hope one day that it happens.
Yeah, what do you want to know?
It would just be nice to sit down with a siblingand talk it through.

(10:55):
Like I said, yes you can speak to other donorconceived people, which is amazing, and it
is very good to do that, but to actually speakto somebody who’s actually your sibling,
it would be amazing, like what life did youhave?
Yeah.
And like I say it’s a waiting game, andyou can’t get frustrated with it, you can’t
think it’s going to happen tomorrow.
I think you just have to find peace with thefact that, it might happen, it might not and

(11:18):
that’s just that.
So, I say this to a lot of the people whocome on DNA Family Secrets, and I just am
kind of in awe, because I think you are alljust so amazingly courageous, because what
you’re doing is, you’re taking somethingwhich is incredibly emotional and very personal
and allowing us to, kind of, go on this, sortof, journey with you as you go through it.

(11:40):
I just think that all of you are, kind of,amazing for allowing us to do that, and it
allows other people to go, ‘hay I’m inthe same situation as them,’ or something
similar and maybe it gives people the couragethemselves to take that next step.
So, if you were to talk to somebody who’sin a similar situation to you, what would

(12:01):
you tell them?
So, this actually happened to me, and I knowshe won’t mind me talking about it, but
a friend of mine from school actually hasa wife, so they’re wife and wife, and she
said to me, ‘we’re going through donorconception to.’
So, I was like, ‘Oh wow, that’s amazing.’
And she said, ‘I’ve never even thoughtabout how we tell them, things like that.’

(12:21):
And I would say, tell the kids from when theiryoung, because for me it was a huge shock
to find out at 17, when you’re a teenagerand your hormones are everywhere.
So, you know, I did rebel a bit and I didgo down bad paths.
So, I would say, just please tell them andspeak about it, don’t bury your head in
the sand like me, because more than likelyyour parents are probably really happy to

(12:43):
talk about it with you.
And join groups, find other donor conceivedchildren because they’re in the same boat
as you, and I’m pretty sure they’d bejust as happy to speak to you about it.
It's not a taboo subject, and it’s actuallya really happy subject because we all wouldn’t
be here without it.
But I do think people need to speak aboutit so much more.

(13:03):
It needs to be more normal for us, becausewe feel quite alienated.
So yeah, I would just say talk about it becauseotherwise you’re going to feel lonely, very lonely.
Tink, it has been so lovely to see you againand to catch up, and I’m going to be keeping
my fingers crossed that some of your donorsibs put themselves on those registers,

(13:24):
and you can get to meet each other.
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