March 28, 2023 • 14 mins
Over 6000 sperm donor babies were born in the UK in the 1970s. 47-year-old Mel, only found out as a teenager that she is one of them. Mel appeared on DNA Family Secrets to discover if testing her DNA might reveal her donor's identity and find any potential family.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Today I'm with the lovely Mel who was from series 2 of DNA Family Secrets,
and Mel when you came to us essentially it was to find your sperm donor father wasn't
it? So what had got you to that point?So, I found out I was from a donor when
I was 17, I'm now 47, so for a long time thought about it, really wanted to know,
(00:24):
and yeah just decided it was now or never.Okay so let's go back to that, so you get
told at 17 how did that come to happen, why did your mum tell you at that point do you think?
So my parents got divorced when I was 11, and didn't see that much of my dad,
you know, sort of on and off, not a very close relationship for the next sort of five, six
(00:44):
years. And my mum just thought I was nearly an adult and had the right to know, so she told me,
and I was absolutely horrified.She must have been really nervous.
Oh gosh yeah, she took me out for dinner, which in those days you didn't really go
out for dinner as much like you do now, so I knew she wanted to talk, and so as
soon as we sat down I said right you know you obviously want to talk to me about something,
(01:08):
so hit me with it, and she told me. And yeah, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that
that is what she was going to tell me.How does that feel at that age as well
because you're a teenager and you're still finding yourself and how did that go?
Yeah I was devastated, yeah, absolutely devastated. And because, you know,
(01:28):
I'd never met anybody else that was from a sperm donor it was just so surreal,
and yeah just really struggled to get my head around it. You know, as I've got older I totally
understand why they went to the clinic, and as a parent myself who was desperate to be a mum,
you know, I totally understand it, but yeah at 17 I just couldn't get my head around it at all.
(01:49):
So what happened, so your folks found they couldn't conceive and
decided to go to a clinic essentially?Yeah there was a clinic in Manchester,
yeah it was state of the art new fertility treatment, so yeah they went for it.
How long have they been trying, did they tell you terribly much about what had happened,
had they been trying for a long time?They’d been trying for five years and
(02:11):
they were also going through the adoption process as well. So they adopted my brother
and then decided to go to the clinic as well because they were just so desperate for a baby.
So what happened, so were you the first of the donor?
No, I was the third. So they adopted my oldest brother Danny and then they went to the clinic and
(02:32):
my mum got pregnant and had my brother Marcus, and then they said that they could freeze the sperm in
case my mum wanted a baby at a later date and it would be from the same donor, they're guaranteed
it would definitely be from the same donor.And your parents had been to this clinic for a
particular reason as well hadn't they, so they wanted somebody with a particular background.
(02:52):
Yeah because my father was Jewish and my mum had to giyur to marry my father, and so they
went to this Jewish Clinic that would provide you know Jewish sperm, that was just how it was.
So fast forward to the age of 17 and you find out how do you start to sort of process this,
because this is from a time period when it was a bit of a wild west with the clinics, they don't
(03:15):
necessarily keep much in the way of records, and parents are often told at this time, don't tell
your children, you know, there's no need for them to know. So what your mum did was actually quite
a brave thing in terms of telling you, so what was that like for you when you first find out?
Yeah, when she told me, because they were advised you don't ever tell anybody, I mean family didn't
(03:38):
know, you know, my mum didn't even tell her sister, nobody knew, it was just top secret,
they just said you'd never ever tell anybody, nobody needs to know. So when I found out,
yeah I didn't think of doing anything really to find out, I just presumed I couldn't find
out. Yeah it just took me a long time to get my head around it, and it was only when I had my own
(03:59):
children that really made me want to do a bit of research and find out because, you know, both my
boys they're a mixture of me and my husband, you know, they got so many character traits
that are like us and, you know, they look like us both, and it just really started to niggle away.
That's really common, so I hear this a lot, so it's in the back of the mind, but it's not until
(04:22):
they start thinking about, actually they want to have children, or they have children of their own,
or they'd like to be able to tell the kids about their ancestry on a particular side, that they
start to go, who is this person who I don't know anything about and yet I have half of their DNA.
Yeah and also, you know, little things like medical things, you know, when you go to the
(04:43):
doctors and they ask, you know, if you've got any family history. Well, I had no idea.
Yeah.And, you know, same with my children, what if they
would have had some genetic thing that had passed down through my dad's side that I didn't know. So
that yeah it was definitely once I'd had my kids.So at this point as far as you knew though, so
you've got an adopted brother, but then you have another brother who you think is sperm donor full
(05:10):
sibling, but then don't you get another surprise when you guys do some DNA testing at one point?
Yes so, I always thought Marcus was my biological brother, we were full siblings and we look alike,
so yeah there was never any question. And then for Christmas, out of the blue, a few years ago,
(05:32):
Marcus decided to buy me, and my mum, and himself a DNA kit. So obviously we did the test,
sent it off, and then obviously it came back that me and my brother were only half siblings. So,
I was devastated again, I was really upset.Well it is it's another blow isn't it,
it's like, it's a blow around who you think you are and who you think your family is.
(05:56):
Yeah, it was another lie from the clinic, which yeah, I was just so upset.
So, did he ever start to look and try and find out who his biological father was?
He had no interest at all, not bothered in the slightest, but he had somebody make contact with
him, a half-sister, and he since found out he'd got five half-sisters, and one of those sisters
(06:20):
had traced their father. So, Marcus did find out who his father was but had no interest to see him.
So, what did you hope to find?I just wanted a name, you know, I
wanted a picture just to know what it looked like, I didn't want a relationship with him, you know,
I had a dad and I've you know got a really good relationship with my dad, but I just, you know,
characteristics, his personality, what I did for a job, yeah just to know anything about him really.
(06:46):
And that was it, yeah I didn't want him to be my new dad, I just wanted to know about him.
It was bizarre because if you remember the minute I came to filming I just burst into tears and I'm
not a crier, I never cry and I became an emotional wreck throughout the whole process. And it was
almost like I'd put it in a box for 30 years and the minute I opened it that was it then.
(07:08):
Yeah.All this emotion
came out and I was just so desperate to know.And I can tell you you're not alone, that is very
common, because I think when people come and they sit down they're finally taking a really concrete
step to answering a question, and it's hugely emotional I think for people to take the step,
I always think contributors are so courageous because you don't know what you're going to find,
(07:32):
and it's a very big step to be taking really.Yeah it was and also just talking about it
because, you know, I'd not spoken about it with friends or with anybody really, so it was almost
like a bizarre weird secret being donor conceived, something that you just didn't talk about. So,
the minute I started talking about it, yeah I realised that there was a massive void.
(07:55):
How is your mum with it?She was amazing throughout the
whole thing because she was really curious and really wanted to know. And she was so grateful
to him for doing it, because if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have had a baby. So, you know,
she wanted to thank him because, you know, he helped provide me, so she was so grateful.
Okay so we went through this process and obviously you were on the donor conceived register,
(08:20):
so we go through all the usual routes in terms of, right pre-1991 donor conceived register let's put
you on there, see if anybody is providing any matches, but then the other route we can do is
obviously there's DNA testing. So we do DNA testing with the big companies, but what we
can do is we can also download your DNA and we can upload it to other DNA databases, and we're
(08:43):
looking for matches that we know are not from your mum's side. And yours was incredibly quick because
your Dad's cousin was on one of the databases and your cousin was on one of the other databases,
and you put those two trees together and then go right your donor is obviously descended from where
(09:10):
these two families meet, and has got to be one of three sons. And we could tell from the DNA that
one of the sons couldn't be, that then brought us down to two of them, one we went and spoke
to had never donated sperm, and then the other individual had sadly passed away, but we were
able to get in contact with his son, who was over the moon, he was so sweet, so this is Philip, oh
(09:37):
my goodness he was so excited, and so delighted.So, I get to tell you this, that look we found
your biological father, what was that like?Oh I was just overjoyed, absolutely overjoyed,
I just couldn't believe it, because I knew that I couldn't have found them on my own. So, I was just
(09:58):
so grateful and yeah just absolutely elated.And then you get to go from me and then you
go and see Stacey and Philip, as I say your half-brother, had done this really lovely video.
Oh, the video was just amazing, absolutely amazing.
Because what did he say to you in it?Just that he was so grateful to be found. So
(10:24):
he'd lost his mum and his dad and his sister and so he was just over the moon that he'd found out
he'd got a half-sister, but he lived in Tasmania, so it couldn't have been any further away.
So, had he known about his dad?Yeah, so he remembers sitting down
and having a family discussion because there'd been an appeal in the paper for sperm donors
(10:48):
to help childless couples. And apparently his dad, Gerald, was a humanitarian type bloke and said yep
I'd quite like to do this.Yeah.
And him and his wife discussed it and they had two children, and he said yeah I'm going to go and do
it. All the family were quite happy and thought it was a lovely thing to do. Which is so nice
(11:08):
for me that they all knew about it and I wasn't some sort of dirty secret, it was all, you know,
above board and they all knew. Because that was my worry when I started the process,
that I didn't want to, you know, upset anybody's family or, you know, if somebody
had donated and then gone and got married and had children and not told his wife or, you know,
(11:29):
I didn't want to cause anybody any trouble, but equally I really needed to know myself.
So that was the perfect end to it all, was that the whole family knew, and I wasn't a secret.
So at the end of this you've now got your answer and you know who your donor father is,
and you've seen photos, and you've met his son, there's always the other side of the story,
(11:56):
how's it been for Philip? Did he always know that there might be a half-sibling who might turn
up? I'm wondering did he ever think about you?Yeah I don't know actually, I need to ask Philip
because he was 16 at the time, and I don't know if 16 year old boys maybe think ahead like that,
but he was so delighted because his mum, his dad, and his sister had died,
(12:20):
so he was absolutely over the moon when I rocked up, and he'd found a half-sister,
it was yeah just absolutely made his world.You could feel it coming off of him, you
could feel the excitement coming off Philip, that you'd found him and it was really lovely for him,
you could just tell he was so excited to be able to, well first of all that
(12:43):
you existed and then to be able to meet you.Yeah in his eyes, you know, he'd lost everybody,
so he was just so over the moon, which made it even better for me, that he was so happy about it.
Was he really proud of his dad?Yeah and from talking to him yeah
they had a really good relationship and yeah he speaks really highly of him,
(13:04):
and said he was just such a wonderful man that wanted to help anybody, and that's why he did it.
So having been through all of this, and in light of proposed changes to the UK fertility laws,
what are your thoughts on the idea of donors being anonymous until children reach 18, but could be
found earlier, what are your thoughts on it?I have really mixed views on this because
(13:29):
from my point of view I always wanted to know and felt that I should have the same laws as adoptive
children have. Because my adopted brother actually found his mum through the adoption process,
and I was quite upset at the time because I couldn't follow the same process. So in
that respect yeah I think you should be able to find out where you're from, but then I think if
(13:53):
those rights are taken away from the donors it will stop a lot of donors coming forward.
Mel, it has been so lovely talking to you again, thank you so much for taking part.
Today I'm with the lovely Mel who was from series 2 of DNA Family Secrets,
and Mel when you came to us essentially it was to find your sperm donor father wasn't
it? So what had got you to that point?So, I found out I was from a donor when
I was 17, I'm now 47, so for a long time thought about it, really wanted to know,
(00:24):
and yeah just decided it was now or never.Okay so let's go back to that, so you get
told at 17 how did that come to happen, why did your mum tell you at that point do you think?
So my parents got divorced when I was 11, and didn't see that much of my dad,
you know, sort of on and off, not a very close relationship for the next sort of five, six
(00:44):
years. And my mum just thought I was nearly an adult and had the right to know, so she told me,
and I was absolutely horrified.She must have been really nervous.
Oh gosh yeah, she took me out for dinner, which in those days you didn't really go
out for dinner as much like you do now, so I knew she wanted to talk, and so as
soon as we sat down I said right you know you obviously want to talk to me about something,
(01:08):
so hit me with it, and she told me. And yeah, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that
that is what she was going to tell me.How does that feel at that age as well
because you're a teenager and you're still finding yourself and how did that go?
Yeah I was devastated, yeah, absolutely devastated. And because, you know,
(01:28):
I'd never met anybody else that was from a sperm donor it was just so surreal,
and yeah just really struggled to get my head around it. You know, as I've got older I totally
understand why they went to the clinic, and as a parent myself who was desperate to be a mum,
you know, I totally understand it, but yeah at 17 I just couldn't get my head around it at all.
(01:49):
So what happened, so your folks found they couldn't conceive and
decided to go to a clinic essentially?Yeah there was a clinic in Manchester,
yeah it was state of the art new fertility treatment, so yeah they went for it.
How long have they been trying, did they tell you terribly much about what had happened,
had they been trying for a long time?They’d been trying for five years and
(02:11):
they were also going through the adoption process as well. So they adopted my brother
and then decided to go to the clinic as well because they were just so desperate for a baby.
So what happened, so were you the first of the donor?
No, I was the third. So they adopted my oldest brother Danny and then they went to the clinic and
(02:32):
my mum got pregnant and had my brother Marcus, and then they said that they could freeze the sperm in
case my mum wanted a baby at a later date and it would be from the same donor, they're guaranteed
it would definitely be from the same donor.And your parents had been to this clinic for a
particular reason as well hadn't they, so they wanted somebody with a particular background.
(02:52):
Yeah because my father was Jewish and my mum had to giyur to marry my father, and so they
went to this Jewish Clinic that would provide you know Jewish sperm, that was just how it was.
So fast forward to the age of 17 and you find out how do you start to sort of process this,
because this is from a time period when it was a bit of a wild west with the clinics, they don't
(03:15):
necessarily keep much in the way of records, and parents are often told at this time, don't tell
your children, you know, there's no need for them to know. So what your mum did was actually quite
a brave thing in terms of telling you, so what was that like for you when you first find out?
Yeah, when she told me, because they were advised you don't ever tell anybody, I mean family didn't
(03:38):
know, you know, my mum didn't even tell her sister, nobody knew, it was just top secret,
they just said you'd never ever tell anybody, nobody needs to know. So when I found out,
yeah I didn't think of doing anything really to find out, I just presumed I couldn't find
out. Yeah it just took me a long time to get my head around it, and it was only when I had my own
(03:59):
children that really made me want to do a bit of research and find out because, you know, both my
boys they're a mixture of me and my husband, you know, they got so many character traits
that are like us and, you know, they look like us both, and it just really started to niggle away.
That's really common, so I hear this a lot, so it's in the back of the mind, but it's not until
(04:22):
they start thinking about, actually they want to have children, or they have children of their own,
or they'd like to be able to tell the kids about their ancestry on a particular side, that they
start to go, who is this person who I don't know anything about and yet I have half of their DNA.
Yeah and also, you know, little things like medical things, you know, when you go to the
(04:43):
doctors and they ask, you know, if you've got any family history. Well, I had no idea.
Yeah.And, you know, same with my children, what if they
would have had some genetic thing that had passed down through my dad's side that I didn't know. So
that yeah it was definitely once I'd had my kids.So at this point as far as you knew though, so
you've got an adopted brother, but then you have another brother who you think is sperm donor full
(05:10):
sibling, but then don't you get another surprise when you guys do some DNA testing at one point?
Yes so, I always thought Marcus was my biological brother, we were full siblings and we look alike,
so yeah there was never any question. And then for Christmas, out of the blue, a few years ago,
(05:32):
Marcus decided to buy me, and my mum, and himself a DNA kit. So obviously we did the test,
sent it off, and then obviously it came back that me and my brother were only half siblings. So,
I was devastated again, I was really upset.Well it is it's another blow isn't it,
it's like, it's a blow around who you think you are and who you think your family is.
(05:56):
Yeah, it was another lie from the clinic, which yeah, I was just so upset.
So, did he ever start to look and try and find out who his biological father was?
He had no interest at all, not bothered in the slightest, but he had somebody make contact with
him, a half-sister, and he since found out he'd got five half-sisters, and one of those sisters
(06:20):
had traced their father. So, Marcus did find out who his father was but had no interest to see him.
So, what did you hope to find?I just wanted a name, you know, I
wanted a picture just to know what it looked like, I didn't want a relationship with him, you know,
I had a dad and I've you know got a really good relationship with my dad, but I just, you know,
characteristics, his personality, what I did for a job, yeah just to know anything about him really.
(06:46):
And that was it, yeah I didn't want him to be my new dad, I just wanted to know about him.
It was bizarre because if you remember the minute I came to filming I just burst into tears and I'm
not a crier, I never cry and I became an emotional wreck throughout the whole process. And it was
almost like I'd put it in a box for 30 years and the minute I opened it that was it then.
(07:08):
Yeah.All this emotion
came out and I was just so desperate to know.And I can tell you you're not alone, that is very
common, because I think when people come and they sit down they're finally taking a really concrete
step to answering a question, and it's hugely emotional I think for people to take the step,
I always think contributors are so courageous because you don't know what you're going to find,
(07:32):
and it's a very big step to be taking really.Yeah it was and also just talking about it
because, you know, I'd not spoken about it with friends or with anybody really, so it was almost
like a bizarre weird secret being donor conceived, something that you just didn't talk about. So,
the minute I started talking about it, yeah I realised that there was a massive void.
(07:55):
How is your mum with it?She was amazing throughout the
whole thing because she was really curious and really wanted to know. And she was so grateful
to him for doing it, because if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have had a baby. So, you know,
she wanted to thank him because, you know, he helped provide me, so she was so grateful.
Okay so we went through this process and obviously you were on the donor conceived register,
(08:20):
so we go through all the usual routes in terms of, right pre-1991 donor conceived register let's put
you on there, see if anybody is providing any matches, but then the other route we can do is
obviously there's DNA testing. So we do DNA testing with the big companies, but what we
can do is we can also download your DNA and we can upload it to other DNA databases, and we're
(08:43):
looking for matches that we know are not from your mum's side. And yours was incredibly quick because
your Dad's cousin was on one of the databases and your cousin was on one of the other databases,
and you put those two trees together and then go right your donor is obviously descended from where
(09:10):
these two families meet, and has got to be one of three sons. And we could tell from the DNA that
one of the sons couldn't be, that then brought us down to two of them, one we went and spoke
to had never donated sperm, and then the other individual had sadly passed away, but we were
able to get in contact with his son, who was over the moon, he was so sweet, so this is Philip, oh
(09:37):
my goodness he was so excited, and so delighted.So, I get to tell you this, that look we found
your biological father, what was that like?Oh I was just overjoyed, absolutely overjoyed,
I just couldn't believe it, because I knew that I couldn't have found them on my own. So, I was just
(09:58):
so grateful and yeah just absolutely elated.And then you get to go from me and then you
go and see Stacey and Philip, as I say your half-brother, had done this really lovely video.
Oh, the video was just amazing, absolutely amazing.
Because what did he say to you in it?Just that he was so grateful to be found. So
(10:24):
he'd lost his mum and his dad and his sister and so he was just over the moon that he'd found out
he'd got a half-sister, but he lived in Tasmania, so it couldn't have been any further away.
So, had he known about his dad?Yeah, so he remembers sitting down
and having a family discussion because there'd been an appeal in the paper for sperm donors
(10:48):
to help childless couples. And apparently his dad, Gerald, was a humanitarian type bloke and said yep
I'd quite like to do this.Yeah.
And him and his wife discussed it and they had two children, and he said yeah I'm going to go and do
it. All the family were quite happy and thought it was a lovely thing to do. Which is so nice
(11:08):
for me that they all knew about it and I wasn't some sort of dirty secret, it was all, you know,
above board and they all knew. Because that was my worry when I started the process,
that I didn't want to, you know, upset anybody's family or, you know, if somebody
had donated and then gone and got married and had children and not told his wife or, you know,
(11:29):
I didn't want to cause anybody any trouble, but equally I really needed to know myself.
So that was the perfect end to it all, was that the whole family knew, and I wasn't a secret.
So at the end of this you've now got your answer and you know who your donor father is,
and you've seen photos, and you've met his son, there's always the other side of the story,
(11:56):
how's it been for Philip? Did he always know that there might be a half-sibling who might turn
up? I'm wondering did he ever think about you?Yeah I don't know actually, I need to ask Philip
because he was 16 at the time, and I don't know if 16 year old boys maybe think ahead like that,
but he was so delighted because his mum, his dad, and his sister had died,
(12:20):
so he was absolutely over the moon when I rocked up, and he'd found a half-sister,
it was yeah just absolutely made his world.You could feel it coming off of him, you
could feel the excitement coming off Philip, that you'd found him and it was really lovely for him,
you could just tell he was so excited to be able to, well first of all that
(12:43):
you existed and then to be able to meet you.Yeah in his eyes, you know, he'd lost everybody,
so he was just so over the moon, which made it even better for me, that he was so happy about it.
Was he really proud of his dad?Yeah and from talking to him yeah
they had a really good relationship and yeah he speaks really highly of him,
(13:04):
and said he was just such a wonderful man that wanted to help anybody, and that's why he did it.
So having been through all of this, and in light of proposed changes to the UK fertility laws,
what are your thoughts on the idea of donors being anonymous until children reach 18, but could be
found earlier, what are your thoughts on it?I have really mixed views on this because
(13:29):
from my point of view I always wanted to know and felt that I should have the same laws as adoptive
children have. Because my adopted brother actually found his mum through the adoption process,
and I was quite upset at the time because I couldn't follow the same process. So in
that respect yeah I think you should be able to find out where you're from, but then I think if
(13:53):
those rights are taken away from the donors it will stop a lot of donors coming forward.
Mel, it has been so lovely talking to you again, thank you so much for taking part.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com