Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

Shame can be a good emotion if it is used to create change but most of us hold on to it long after the lesson has been learned and we suffer long term consequences because of it.

In this episode, I discuss 3 aspects of Sam's death that I still carry shame about along with the logical arguments I use to help myself feel better.    It's an ongoing battle but I fight daily because I see shame ruin too many lives.   

I also talk about ...

One of the harshest realities I have had to face since losing Sam is that I live under the glass ceiling of grief now.   My best days and most fantastic experiences will never be as purely joyful as they used to be.   They start that way and my excitement is real,  but the joy I feel is forever anchored in the sorrow of Sam's absence.   This is part of losing a child.   I believe that it is a grief that we do not overcome, we can o...

In my opinion, any emotion we carry after losing a Son or a daughter is valid.  I know that anger is a common emotion after losing a kid to addiction because there is so much chaos and disbelief that we could not save them, but I have never felt angry towards Sam, just fear that I would lose him.

In this episode, I discuss why I am not angry at Sam, how much I identify with him, and why I think the cops that arrested him that night...

One of the emotions I have always struggled with is the shame.   I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and when they happened, I would always try to explain, excuse, and then use super human strength to rectify my wrongs.    I could not bear the thought of people thinking poorly of me for being irresponsible and not getting things done.   Being the black sheep of a highly functioning family, It is a struggle I have lived with f...

Running was an activity I could always count on before Sam died.  For nearly 40 years, I had run through anxiety, depression, stress, and most other difficult times.   It had always provided me with solace, energy, adventure, and a clear mind.

After Sam died, I could not run.   I would have expected it to be something that would help me and instead, I was terrified of it.   Starting over, the heavy breathing, the facing of life on ...

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent will ever go through and navigating it as a couple most certainly places tremendous strain on a relationship.   I have been divorced for many years and was not in a relationship when Sam died.   

In this episode, I discuss some of the potential benefits and drawbacks in dealing with Sam's death without a partner and why being alone during this time, (while sounding lonely and frightening...

When we lose a child, we are confronted with how dark and tragic life can become in one moment of time, because we have lived through it.   The rest of the world knows this too, intellectually, but now that we have gone through the worst, it's hard to trust life again.    The fear of another phone call or knock on the door can be stifling.   

It's important to acknowledge and manage our fear of what lies ahead and also stand strong...

This past week was a tough one for me.   Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.   

Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter.   We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day.   

In this  episode, I discuss my f...

Losing a child not only destroys our own world but it's very upsetting to those who love and care about us as well.   They often try to say and do things to help us out of our blinding pain.  To this day, I have so much appreciation for everyone who showed up for me and my family when Sam died.   I also understand that as humans, we show up for the people we love in the best way we know how. 

Unfortunately, there is very little peo...

I feel better than I have in nearly 2 1/2 years.   It's almost difficult to admit because I know I could easily step into another grief crevasse when I least expect it.    However,  it's very clear to me, at this point, that I will be okay.  In spite of the agony I feel on a daily basis, I am also aware how far I have come. 

In today's episode, I discuss 6 ways that I have seen my grief evolve and transform since Sam's death and wh...

One of my biggest struggles in grief is my intrusive thinking.   I have largely been unable to untangle my grief over losing Sam and my own thoughts of self-blame.    The problem with this mindset is that it is unreasonable and it also challenges our healing.

Today's episode is about my experience with intrusive thinking, 3 reasons I believe it is destructive and unproductive,  and how I have recently learned to stop my intrusive t...

We cannot tolerate our city officials simply giving up a certain demographic of it's population.   Mayor Perris of Lancaster, CA,  stated, in front of the city council, that perhaps the answer to the city's homeless crisis is to give them all fentanyl.    A big Purge.   He is talking about humans.

Is an actual mayor of a city suggesting that people like my son don't deserve to live?    We cannot tolerate this ignorance in the peopl...

When Sam died, I felt no hope and no joy.  I felt like my life was largely over because I couldn't see past my pain.   

Hope is a complex topic when talking about losing a child.   Just What exactly are we hoping for?    How can hope make this better?   For a long time, I couldn't see it or imagine it but now,  I am finding it again. 

Today, I feel more hope and joy than I have since I lost my boy, nearly 2 1/2 years ago,  and I ho...

One of the biggest burdens I was left with when Sam died is guilt.  When we hold onto guilt for a situation we can not/could not solve, it's unreasonable and can also harm our healing.

In this Episode, I discuss why we need to challenge our guilt and rumination with reason and logic by talking about 4 ways/reasons that guilt can harm our healing and why it doesn't make sense to accept it.   I also discuss 4 ways that I have discove...

I watched a special on the Vietnam War recently and I was struck by the similarities between those parents, the ones whose kids were sent to fight the war, and us, whose kids fought the war here at home.   (The war on drugs.)   This episode is about those similarities.   

Time doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't even come close.   What time does is dull the intensity for those further removed while living on forever in those of us ...