July 1, 2025 • 18 mins
Feeling Like You’re Always Helping? Signs of Emotional Burnout in Relationships
In this episode of the Self Development Collective, we’re diving deep into a type of emotional burnout we don’t talk about enough—the kind that happens when we’re supporting others.
This isn’t about work stress or parenting exhaustion. This is about those of us who take on the role of the helper. The fixer. The person who tries to hold everything—and everyone—together. And the emotional tiredness that comes with that.
I share a recent moment in therapy that completely shifted how I understood my emotional exhaustion. This episode talks about the signs of emotional burnout when the challenges we're supporting aren't our own but those of others.
So if you’re asking yourself, “Why do I feel so tired when nothing’s really happening to me?”—this episode is for you.
We’ll explore:
-
What emotional burnout can look like when we’re constantly helping others
-
Why being the “emotional support person” can be draining
-
How emotional tiredness often shows up as anger, resentment, or numbness
-
Why childhood roles may wire us into over-helping
-
What it actually means to set boundaries as a helper
Whether you’re the go-to in your family, your friendships, or just always feel responsible for others—this is a gentle, honest reflection on the emotional exhaustion that can come with that role.
⏱️ Timestamps:
00:00 – Feeling burnt out but not sure why?
03:10 – The invisible weight of emotional support
06:45 – What “emotional tiredness” can look like
09:20 – Childhood roles and how they shape us
12:05 – Practicing boundaries (even when it’s hard)
15:00 – Reflections + how to reconnect with yourself
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof the Self-Development Collective.
So.
Okay, let's get into this episode.
So in this episode today we aretalking about emotional burnout.
Emotional exhaustion.
But the difference in this episodeis that we're not talking about the
kind of emotional exhaustion thatcomes from our own experiences, but
(00:44):
rather supporting others in theirs.
And this is something that I wantedto talk about because I don't think
it's, again, I don't think thiswas something that I realized.
I went into my therapistoffice, I was exhausted.
I was angry.
I was getting feeling really like.
Oscillating between anger and depression.
(01:04):
I think that's tends to be thesigns for me when I'm starting to
feel burnt out about something.
so I went to her and I was like,this is happening with this person.
This is happening.
And I was explaining the sortof the events that had happened
since the last time I'd seen her.
And I was really upset andI was really overwhelmed.
And then I said to her, I don'tunderstand why I am so tired.
(01:26):
And she kind of looked at me, andagain, these are not her exact words,
but the idea around it was she wassaying, you know, you are carrying
a lot, you're supporting a lot.
You're kind of there fora lot of people right now.
You're in the middle of these systems andyou're trying to support people in them.
And I was like, okay.
And that was when I kind of came tothis realization, which, you know,
(01:48):
it's really helpful and you know, Ijust assumed because it was happening
to someone else, it wouldn't leadto me being emotionally burnt out.
I think there's like a lot that wespeak about when it comes to general
burnout, when it comes to burnoutwith work, burnout as a parent.
I think there's so much that we talk aboutwhen it comes to burnout, but something
(02:10):
that I realized the other day, and Ifeel like I always end up talking about
moments in my therapist's office, whereI think that I get the biggest insight.
I don't know if it's like.
Just me sometimes I'm like, do Irecord this and ask, is this something?
But do you ever think, why amI so emotionally exhausted?
Because you yourself might notbe having the challenge, right?
(02:31):
It might be something that'sgoing on in someone else's life.
and your life's pretty cruisy.
Like it's going where you wanna go.
It's pretty, pretty good, but you'restill waking up sort of, you know,
maybe there's a bit of anger there.
There's like exhaustion,there's a bit of depression.
These sort of things can come up.
And I think the thing is thatoftentimes it's not what about what
we are carrying ourselves, but whatwe are helping other people carry.
(02:53):
And this is what this episode is about.
It's about recognizing thesigns of emotional exhaustion
around the things that are notours that are, we are carrying.
It's about the things that we aresupporting other people in carrying.
And this is like, honestly, forme, it was a light bulb moment
because I never considered the idea.
Like I felt like if it wasn't somethingthat was happening directly to me,
(03:15):
it wasn't in my life in that sensethat I was the forefront person
experiencing that, then it shouldn'tbe affecting you or impacting me
in the way that it does or has.
And so I just wanted to bringthis forward because this is
for the helpers in the crowd.
This is for the people that.
Take on the fixing role,take on the caregiving role.
Feel like they're in the middle.
(03:35):
Always trying to support and offer andsort of, you know, if you're in that
family system where you are trying to fixthings, calm things down, support people,
help people see each other's experiences,or you know, really try and empathize.
I think it's really important to recognizethe signs of emotional burnout for people
that tend to take on that caretakingrole, because I do think that it's.
(03:58):
And I, I'm, I'm speaking from myown experience, it can be one of
the things that takes us towardsthat, that depression, that anger,
that frustration that we can'treally put our finger on as well.
Does that make sense?
I thought I'm not actuallyin that experience, but I'm
supporting someone in it.
I didn't think that it would causeemotional burnout, and I don't know if
that's you, if you feel as though andjudging by the title of this episode,
(04:22):
if you're listening and you feel likeyou're the person holding it all together.
I think the tricky part is that when weget used to holding, we're not always.
We are not always holding our own things.
We're holding and supporting peoplein their experiences, and I do think
that even though we want to be thatperson for people, there has to be
boundaries around it because I. Itobviously directly impacts our life.
(04:44):
So something again that I was notfully aware of was I was feeling really
angry, resentful, sort of exhaustedand recognized that even if what we are
carrying is not ours, but we're supportingsomeone in carrying something else, it can
definitely lead to that emotional burnout
So I think that when we tend to takeon that role of caretaker, caregiver.
(05:06):
and this is more in like afamily system type of example.
This is about family andfriends, not as a parent.
But if we tend to be that sort ofgo-to person, that person that tries
to fix things, that person that triesto support that person, that feels
like we need to come in and helppeople and we genuinely want to.
I think that's the thing as well.
It's not an experience of likefeeling, and at times we can feel
(05:28):
obligated, but we want to help people.
this is exactly why Ido this podcast, right?
Because I enjoy doing this work.
I enjoy sitting and understandingand thinking about things
and talking to people.
It also, there has to be recognitionaround, even though we take on that
role and we might willingly take onthat role and enjoy that role, I think
there can be too much of a good thing.
(05:49):
I think it can be a situationwhere we end up taking so much on
that we don't even realize becausewe are not in it, so to speak.
We're not directly in it.
So I think the number one thing thatI wanted to highlight in this episode
is the signs of emotional burnout.
So I think if there is an experiencewhere you're finding yourself more
resentful, if you're finding yourself moreexhausted, if you're finding yourself.
(06:14):
angry if you're findingyourself really depressed.
And here's the thing, something I'vereally realized from this experience
when I was feeling this way.
Yeah, genuinely I was having thesetwo thoughts at the same time.
I'd be like, I'm exhausted.
I don't wanna do anything right now.
Or, I'm really angry.
But then at the same time, I'd be like,why can't I be more grateful right now?
(06:34):
When I look at my life, I don'tsee anything wrong with it.
Like I don't, I can't put my fingeron like, I'm really enjoying my life.
Like I'm happy I'm where I wanna be,but why doesn't it feel that way?
There were these two sort of parallelexperiences where I was like, nothing's
really happening in my life directlyto me in like, in that I am dealing
with something directly, but I'mfeeling really exhausted and burnt out.
(06:58):
And so I think it's that experience forme that sort of highlighted that something
was up, that something that I was.
Not setting the appropriate restboundaries that I needed for me.
So if that's something that you'reexperiencing where you're kind of
looking at your life and you'relike, oh, it's not really there,
I don't know what's happening.
I do think that that is a personalsign that we're taking on more
(07:20):
than we can carry right now.
So the next point, and you know whatI'm like, I love to dig into the why.
So if this is what we're experiencing,if we know that we're, or if we feel
as though we are carrying a lot,like we get that inkling, but we're
not really sure and we're tryingto deal with it, why do we do that?
I think really it comes down to theroles that we played in childhood.
(07:43):
I do think for me, it comesdown to understanding how being
a helper, supporting someone,why we're wired to do that.
What experiences did we havethat wired us, and I think
that it's an adaptive response.
I think it's.
I genuinely think that all the responsesthat we create from childhood are amazing
because it's the way that we adapt.
(08:03):
It's a way that welearn to get connection.
It's a way that we learn to survive.
And so I think that if you comefrom a family where, helping, having
answers, being supportive, was theway to get connection, was the way
to get noticed, was the way to getyour own support was your way to.
Have that love and connectionwith someone, it makes sense that
(08:24):
that behavior still drives us now.
And I know for me that is a hugepoint because sometimes it's not even
the fact that we are in that role.
Sometimes it's a fact that we got soused to being in that role that no
other role sort of exists, or we don'tactually become aware of the boundaries
that we need to take a step back.
So for example, I think one thingis if we're running on that plate,
(08:47):
So when we are used to being in thatrole, being that helper, it becomes
so intertwined into our identitythat the idea of stopping, knowing
when to stop, knowing what to dowhen we stop is not super obvious.
I think it becomes such a part of who weare that we don't even think about rest.
Like when I went to my therapist andshe was like, I think you need to set
(09:08):
some boundaries around, you know, andjust take some space, take some rest.
And then I went and spoke to a friendand we had a little laugh about it
because she's like, I don't evenknow if you know how to do that.
And that's exactly right, because Ithink that in some ways when we are.
so used to developing that sense ofattachment through being a helper, the
idea of rest goes against the grain.
(09:29):
And this is what this episode is about,recognizing those signs and practicing
that rest in the way that we can.
So when it comes to rest, I thinkone of the things that helps
as well is to delve into theinternalized beliefs we have around.
Being the helper and not helping.
And something that I wrote recently, whichI'm just gonna read from my notes here, is
what does it mean to always be the helper?
(09:50):
What does it mean if we're not?
What were we taught tobelieve if we were helping?
And what were we taught to believeor made to feel if we weren't?
And I think that that is somethingthat can really help us to delve
into why we are always in thatrole, why we might struggle to rest.
Now, I know that this isn't likethe answer to rest because it still
(10:11):
involves like thinking and reflection,but I do think that if you're stuck in
a cycle of constantly helping peopleand feeling that emotional burnout.
It taking away from you and your lifeand your energy and being able to
maintain a sense of balance in your life.
I do think these questions giveus a bit of insight as to why we
do what we do I think that is oneof the steps to breaking a cycle.
(10:34):
For me personally, and again, I'm not atherapist, I can only speak from personal
experience, but I know when I ask myselfthese questions, it just helps me to.
Step out of where I am and reallyunderstand why I'm where I am.
And I always think of a quote by,Tony Robbins and he says, the quality
of your life is directly relatedto the quality of your questions.
(10:55):
And I think that asking ourselveswhy we are doing this, what
would happen if we didn't?
What was the message that wegot if we weren't helping?
You know, who would webe if we're not helping?
And I think sometimesthe biggest challenge is.
If we are not helping someone,right, and we are taking that rest,
I think the underlying message canbe that we are selfish, or perhaps
the underlying message can besomething like, but what is our worth?
(11:18):
If we're not helping or we're not doingsomething, if we're not productive,
if we're not supporting someone,
And I think there's so much there aroundthe underlying meaning that comes from
these experiences that we had when wewere younger and how they drive us and
keep us in the cycles that we are today.
So this is literally onto the next topic.
So I've been learning aboutconsolidation therapy by Bruce Ecker.
(11:39):
He talks about the science ofchange and literally how the brain.
rewires an emotional learning.
So one of the things I think that canreally drive us when we're stuck in that
emotional exhaustion, when we're stuckbeing that helper, when we are feeling
like we always need to help reach out,be there, have answers, is understanding
(12:00):
the meaning that we derive from that.
So the reason that understanding themeaning of something, understanding why
we actually do this, what it means tobe that helper, what it means to push
and always have to be there for someoneeven at the expense of ourselves.
I think something that I've learned fromBruce Ecker, just from reading him and
only learning about it, really briefly atthe moment I'm still reading his book is.
(12:23):
His explanation, andthese are not his words.
these are, this is myinterpretation of his words.
So he says that when we delve intothe meaning of something, when we
really talk about the felt experienceof something, we are moving it from
our right brain into our neocortex.
We're not just intellectuallylearning something, we're actually
understanding ourselves or integratingourselves We are kind of linking the
(12:45):
felt meaning and the intellectualexperience and knowing at the same time.
Because, for example, we canknow that we always help.
We can know that we getemotionally burnt out.
We can know that we're stuck ina cycle, but that doesn't always
stop us from getting out of thatcycle, from making different
choices from supporting ourselves.
And I think that this is agreat thing about Bruce Ecker
(13:05):
and consolidation therapy.
He talks about.
that deep meaning that we create thatschema that we have, that way of thinking
that we have, that is wired into ourbrains from the experiences that we had.
And basically he says wehave an emotional meaning.
So the idea is that we would bedelving into why we're the helper,
(13:25):
what's the emotional meaning thatwe got from being the helper, but
also the emotional meaning we get.
From not being the helper.
So if we are not helping,that must mean that.
And if we are helping, that means that.
So it's really understanding theanswers to those statements that help
us to get the meaning behind, or themeaning that we've learned around
(13:46):
why we get stuck in these cycles.
Why we are the helper, why wealways wanna have the answers, why
we always wanna support people.
What we got from that, you know,what meaning did we get from that?
And that is.
What he suggests is the way to createtrue change because we are beginning to
integrate, understand that right sidemeaning, that meaning memory that we don't
(14:07):
always have access to versus the episodicmemory or the autobiographical memory.
So just in my notes, I wannabring forward this idea.
when we understand the felt meaning we'vecreated, not intellectual meaning, but
the felt, meaning from our right brain.
Then we open ourselves up to cycles.
We begin to understand the purpose.
Functioning this way serves, and wecan begin to shift it from there.
(14:30):
So that is something that really explains,understanding the meaning behind why
we feel like we're always the helper,why we're doing what we are doing, why
we get stuck in cycles of emotionalburnout, because we feel like we
always need to be the one that's there.
And I really love coherence therapy andthe idea behind Bruce Ecker, because
he talks about how our behaviors aredriven by implicit emotional learnings.
(14:53):
And it's by looking at this felt sort oflearning, really sinking deep into it,
understanding it, and then bringing it toconscious awareness so we can understand.
And I think again, why?
Why?
Why am I sharing this?
Because otherwise it becomesreally hard to take a break.
It becomes really hardto know our boundaries.
It becomes really hard to.
Be able to set those boundaries withoutreally understanding the meaning we
(15:18):
have assigned to being the helper.
And I think this is literally can beapplied to any area of our lives, but
just a reflection on what's happeningfor me at the moment and understanding
that, again, emotional burnout can comenot from what we are carrying, but what
we are supporting others in carrying too.
So this episode has been short andsweet, but one of the things that I did
wanna say is we have this, I don't knowabout you, but I have this habit, right?
(15:42):
Where if I am feeling really depressedor really angry and I'm having sort of,
I'm, I feel like I'm getting swallowedup in that, that inner critic kicks in
and it's like, why are you doing that?
Why are you like, whyare you feeling this way?
Get up, do this.
You know, don't feel this way.
Be grateful.
Those feelings that come up of feelingreally depressed, feeling really
(16:03):
angry, feeling that resentment canoften be signs that we try to talk
ourselves out of rather than listen to.
And I think that there's a bit of athing, you know, that we're failing or we
shouldn't feel this way, or you know, thatthose feelings in and of itself resembles
some form of us not doing life right.
Okay, so just rounding up thisepisode, one thing that I, the
(16:24):
last point that I wanna make is.
In these episodes when I talk aboutthe signals that we experience.
So again, maybe you have a really deepsense of depression or a deep sense
of resentment or anger when you'resort of stuck in one of these cycles.
And again, I'm not speaking forlike clinical depression or I'm only
speaking from the sense of when wefeel like we're in a bit of a loop
(16:47):
where we have like a really good coupleof months or days and then all of a
sudden we get stuck in this place.
And we know that we are carrying a lot forothers, but we don't really understand.
Why we're feeling this way?
I think it's really important toknow that this episode is not about
removing the part of us that wants tocarry, removing the part of us that
wants to support others, removingthe part of us that wants to help.
(17:08):
But I do think that it's justunderstanding and knowing
the cycle, knowing the signs.
That, that are leading to emotionalburnout or if we are there and
knowing, I suppose, developing thatunderstanding of what it looks like
to support ourselves in those moments.
And this is something that I think I'mdefinitely learning myself, especially
with my therapist, understanding why I getinto that place of feeling, you know, why
(17:32):
that part of me gets really depressed orwhy that part of me gets really angry or
why that part of me gets really anxious
To me now I'm learning that those aresignals for some, for something for me.
So in particular for this example,when I couldn't pinpoint anything in
my life, that to me should have beena sign that when that depression or
that frustration or that anger wascoming up, that it was because I was
(17:56):
probably carrying too much of othersand not giving myself enough space
to sort of recoup, right, regenerate,
Rest.
So I think that that is an importantthing to remember, that those
signals can be really important tosupporting us in changing cycles and
supporting us in supporting ourselves.
So really now I understand ifsomething like that comes up, it's
(18:18):
a flag for me to take time out.
To ease up.
If I'm starting to feel that wayagain, it's a reminder to take
time out, to take a step back.
So understanding, I suppose, theplace that these emotions have in the
cycle, again, of being the caretakerand knowing when that comes up and
what to do is another really importantpoint and really insightful, I think,
to understanding ourselves as well.
(18:40):
So I hope this episode hasbeen really helpful and I will
catch you in the next one.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof the Self-Development Collective.
So.
Okay, let's get into this episode.
So in this episode today we aretalking about emotional burnout.
Emotional exhaustion.
But the difference in this episodeis that we're not talking about the
kind of emotional exhaustion thatcomes from our own experiences, but
(00:44):
rather supporting others in theirs.
And this is something that I wantedto talk about because I don't think
it's, again, I don't think thiswas something that I realized.
I went into my therapistoffice, I was exhausted.
I was angry.
I was getting feeling really like.
Oscillating between anger and depression.
(01:04):
I think that's tends to be thesigns for me when I'm starting to
feel burnt out about something.
so I went to her and I was like,this is happening with this person.
This is happening.
And I was explaining the sortof the events that had happened
since the last time I'd seen her.
And I was really upset andI was really overwhelmed.
And then I said to her, I don'tunderstand why I am so tired.
(01:26):
And she kind of looked at me, andagain, these are not her exact words,
but the idea around it was she wassaying, you know, you are carrying
a lot, you're supporting a lot.
You're kind of there fora lot of people right now.
You're in the middle of these systems andyou're trying to support people in them.
And I was like, okay.
And that was when I kind of came tothis realization, which, you know,
(01:48):
it's really helpful and you know, Ijust assumed because it was happening
to someone else, it wouldn't leadto me being emotionally burnt out.
I think there's like a lot that wespeak about when it comes to general
burnout, when it comes to burnoutwith work, burnout as a parent.
I think there's so much that we talk aboutwhen it comes to burnout, but something
(02:10):
that I realized the other day, and Ifeel like I always end up talking about
moments in my therapist's office, whereI think that I get the biggest insight.
I don't know if it's like.
Just me sometimes I'm like, do Irecord this and ask, is this something?
But do you ever think, why amI so emotionally exhausted?
Because you yourself might notbe having the challenge, right?
(02:31):
It might be something that'sgoing on in someone else's life.
and your life's pretty cruisy.
Like it's going where you wanna go.
It's pretty, pretty good, but you'restill waking up sort of, you know,
maybe there's a bit of anger there.
There's like exhaustion,there's a bit of depression.
These sort of things can come up.
And I think the thing is thatoftentimes it's not what about what
we are carrying ourselves, but whatwe are helping other people carry.
(02:53):
And this is what this episode is about.
It's about recognizing thesigns of emotional exhaustion
around the things that are notours that are, we are carrying.
It's about the things that we aresupporting other people in carrying.
And this is like, honestly, forme, it was a light bulb moment
because I never considered the idea.
Like I felt like if it wasn't somethingthat was happening directly to me,
(03:15):
it wasn't in my life in that sensethat I was the forefront person
experiencing that, then it shouldn'tbe affecting you or impacting me
in the way that it does or has.
And so I just wanted to bringthis forward because this is
for the helpers in the crowd.
This is for the people that.
Take on the fixing role,take on the caregiving role.
Feel like they're in the middle.
(03:35):
Always trying to support and offer andsort of, you know, if you're in that
family system where you are trying to fixthings, calm things down, support people,
help people see each other's experiences,or you know, really try and empathize.
I think it's really important to recognizethe signs of emotional burnout for people
that tend to take on that caretakingrole, because I do think that it's.
(03:58):
And I, I'm, I'm speaking from myown experience, it can be one of
the things that takes us towardsthat, that depression, that anger,
that frustration that we can'treally put our finger on as well.
Does that make sense?
I thought I'm not actuallyin that experience, but I'm
supporting someone in it.
I didn't think that it would causeemotional burnout, and I don't know if
that's you, if you feel as though andjudging by the title of this episode,
(04:22):
if you're listening and you feel likeyou're the person holding it all together.
I think the tricky part is that when weget used to holding, we're not always.
We are not always holding our own things.
We're holding and supporting peoplein their experiences, and I do think
that even though we want to be thatperson for people, there has to be
boundaries around it because I. Itobviously directly impacts our life.
(04:44):
So something again that I was notfully aware of was I was feeling really
angry, resentful, sort of exhaustedand recognized that even if what we are
carrying is not ours, but we're supportingsomeone in carrying something else, it can
definitely lead to that emotional burnout
So I think that when we tend to takeon that role of caretaker, caregiver.
(05:06):
and this is more in like afamily system type of example.
This is about family andfriends, not as a parent.
But if we tend to be that sort ofgo-to person, that person that tries
to fix things, that person that triesto support that person, that feels
like we need to come in and helppeople and we genuinely want to.
I think that's the thing as well.
It's not an experience of likefeeling, and at times we can feel
(05:28):
obligated, but we want to help people.
this is exactly why Ido this podcast, right?
Because I enjoy doing this work.
I enjoy sitting and understandingand thinking about things
and talking to people.
It also, there has to be recognitionaround, even though we take on that
role and we might willingly take onthat role and enjoy that role, I think
there can be too much of a good thing.
(05:49):
I think it can be a situationwhere we end up taking so much on
that we don't even realize becausewe are not in it, so to speak.
We're not directly in it.
So I think the number one thing thatI wanted to highlight in this episode
is the signs of emotional burnout.
So I think if there is an experiencewhere you're finding yourself more
resentful, if you're finding yourself moreexhausted, if you're finding yourself.
(06:14):
angry if you're findingyourself really depressed.
And here's the thing, something I'vereally realized from this experience
when I was feeling this way.
Yeah, genuinely I was having thesetwo thoughts at the same time.
I'd be like, I'm exhausted.
I don't wanna do anything right now.
Or, I'm really angry.
But then at the same time, I'd be like,why can't I be more grateful right now?
(06:34):
When I look at my life, I don'tsee anything wrong with it.
Like I don't, I can't put my fingeron like, I'm really enjoying my life.
Like I'm happy I'm where I wanna be,but why doesn't it feel that way?
There were these two sort of parallelexperiences where I was like, nothing's
really happening in my life directlyto me in like, in that I am dealing
with something directly, but I'mfeeling really exhausted and burnt out.
(06:58):
And so I think it's that experience forme that sort of highlighted that something
was up, that something that I was.
Not setting the appropriate restboundaries that I needed for me.
So if that's something that you'reexperiencing where you're kind of
looking at your life and you'relike, oh, it's not really there,
I don't know what's happening.
I do think that that is a personalsign that we're taking on more
(07:20):
than we can carry right now.
So the next point, and you know whatI'm like, I love to dig into the why.
So if this is what we're experiencing,if we know that we're, or if we feel
as though we are carrying a lot,like we get that inkling, but we're
not really sure and we're tryingto deal with it, why do we do that?
I think really it comes down to theroles that we played in childhood.
(07:43):
I do think for me, it comesdown to understanding how being
a helper, supporting someone,why we're wired to do that.
What experiences did we havethat wired us, and I think
that it's an adaptive response.
I think it's.
I genuinely think that all the responsesthat we create from childhood are amazing
because it's the way that we adapt.
(08:03):
It's a way that welearn to get connection.
It's a way that we learn to survive.
And so I think that if you comefrom a family where, helping, having
answers, being supportive, was theway to get connection, was the way
to get noticed, was the way to getyour own support was your way to.
Have that love and connectionwith someone, it makes sense that
(08:24):
that behavior still drives us now.
And I know for me that is a hugepoint because sometimes it's not even
the fact that we are in that role.
Sometimes it's a fact that we got soused to being in that role that no
other role sort of exists, or we don'tactually become aware of the boundaries
that we need to take a step back.
So for example, I think one thingis if we're running on that plate,
(08:47):
So when we are used to being in thatrole, being that helper, it becomes
so intertwined into our identitythat the idea of stopping, knowing
when to stop, knowing what to dowhen we stop is not super obvious.
I think it becomes such a part of who weare that we don't even think about rest.
Like when I went to my therapist andshe was like, I think you need to set
(09:08):
some boundaries around, you know, andjust take some space, take some rest.
And then I went and spoke to a friendand we had a little laugh about it
because she's like, I don't evenknow if you know how to do that.
And that's exactly right, because Ithink that in some ways when we are.
so used to developing that sense ofattachment through being a helper, the
idea of rest goes against the grain.
(09:29):
And this is what this episode is about,recognizing those signs and practicing
that rest in the way that we can.
So when it comes to rest, I thinkone of the things that helps
as well is to delve into theinternalized beliefs we have around.
Being the helper and not helping.
And something that I wrote recently, whichI'm just gonna read from my notes here, is
what does it mean to always be the helper?
(09:50):
What does it mean if we're not?
What were we taught tobelieve if we were helping?
And what were we taught to believeor made to feel if we weren't?
And I think that that is somethingthat can really help us to delve
into why we are always in thatrole, why we might struggle to rest.
Now, I know that this isn't likethe answer to rest because it still
(10:11):
involves like thinking and reflection,but I do think that if you're stuck in
a cycle of constantly helping peopleand feeling that emotional burnout.
It taking away from you and your lifeand your energy and being able to
maintain a sense of balance in your life.
I do think these questions giveus a bit of insight as to why we
do what we do I think that is oneof the steps to breaking a cycle.
(10:34):
For me personally, and again, I'm not atherapist, I can only speak from personal
experience, but I know when I ask myselfthese questions, it just helps me to.
Step out of where I am and reallyunderstand why I'm where I am.
And I always think of a quote by,Tony Robbins and he says, the quality
of your life is directly relatedto the quality of your questions.
(10:55):
And I think that asking ourselveswhy we are doing this, what
would happen if we didn't?
What was the message that wegot if we weren't helping?
You know, who would webe if we're not helping?
And I think sometimesthe biggest challenge is.
If we are not helping someone,right, and we are taking that rest,
I think the underlying message canbe that we are selfish, or perhaps
the underlying message can besomething like, but what is our worth?
(11:18):
If we're not helping or we're not doingsomething, if we're not productive,
if we're not supporting someone,
And I think there's so much there aroundthe underlying meaning that comes from
these experiences that we had when wewere younger and how they drive us and
keep us in the cycles that we are today.
So this is literally onto the next topic.
So I've been learning aboutconsolidation therapy by Bruce Ecker.
(11:39):
He talks about the science ofchange and literally how the brain.
rewires an emotional learning.
So one of the things I think that canreally drive us when we're stuck in that
emotional exhaustion, when we're stuckbeing that helper, when we are feeling
like we always need to help reach out,be there, have answers, is understanding
(12:00):
the meaning that we derive from that.
So the reason that understanding themeaning of something, understanding why
we actually do this, what it means tobe that helper, what it means to push
and always have to be there for someoneeven at the expense of ourselves.
I think something that I've learned fromBruce Ecker, just from reading him and
only learning about it, really briefly atthe moment I'm still reading his book is.
(12:23):
His explanation, andthese are not his words.
these are, this is myinterpretation of his words.
So he says that when we delve intothe meaning of something, when we
really talk about the felt experienceof something, we are moving it from
our right brain into our neocortex.
We're not just intellectuallylearning something, we're actually
understanding ourselves or integratingourselves We are kind of linking the
(12:45):
felt meaning and the intellectualexperience and knowing at the same time.
Because, for example, we canknow that we always help.
We can know that we getemotionally burnt out.
We can know that we're stuck ina cycle, but that doesn't always
stop us from getting out of thatcycle, from making different
choices from supporting ourselves.
And I think that this is agreat thing about Bruce Ecker
(13:05):
and consolidation therapy.
He talks about.
that deep meaning that we create thatschema that we have, that way of thinking
that we have, that is wired into ourbrains from the experiences that we had.
And basically he says wehave an emotional meaning.
So the idea is that we would bedelving into why we're the helper,
(13:25):
what's the emotional meaning thatwe got from being the helper, but
also the emotional meaning we get.
From not being the helper.
So if we are not helping,that must mean that.
And if we are helping, that means that.
So it's really understanding theanswers to those statements that help
us to get the meaning behind, or themeaning that we've learned around
(13:46):
why we get stuck in these cycles.
Why we are the helper, why wealways wanna have the answers, why
we always wanna support people.
What we got from that, you know,what meaning did we get from that?
And that is.
What he suggests is the way to createtrue change because we are beginning to
integrate, understand that right sidemeaning, that meaning memory that we don't
(14:07):
always have access to versus the episodicmemory or the autobiographical memory.
So just in my notes, I wannabring forward this idea.
when we understand the felt meaning we'vecreated, not intellectual meaning, but
the felt, meaning from our right brain.
Then we open ourselves up to cycles.
We begin to understand the purpose.
Functioning this way serves, and wecan begin to shift it from there.
(14:30):
So that is something that really explains,understanding the meaning behind why
we feel like we're always the helper,why we're doing what we are doing, why
we get stuck in cycles of emotionalburnout, because we feel like we
always need to be the one that's there.
And I really love coherence therapy andthe idea behind Bruce Ecker, because
he talks about how our behaviors aredriven by implicit emotional learnings.
(14:53):
And it's by looking at this felt sort oflearning, really sinking deep into it,
understanding it, and then bringing it toconscious awareness so we can understand.
And I think again, why?
Why?
Why am I sharing this?
Because otherwise it becomesreally hard to take a break.
It becomes really hardto know our boundaries.
It becomes really hard to.
Be able to set those boundaries withoutreally understanding the meaning we
(15:18):
have assigned to being the helper.
And I think this is literally can beapplied to any area of our lives, but
just a reflection on what's happeningfor me at the moment and understanding
that, again, emotional burnout can comenot from what we are carrying, but what
we are supporting others in carrying too.
So this episode has been short andsweet, but one of the things that I did
wanna say is we have this, I don't knowabout you, but I have this habit, right?
(15:42):
Where if I am feeling really depressedor really angry and I'm having sort of,
I'm, I feel like I'm getting swallowedup in that, that inner critic kicks in
and it's like, why are you doing that?
Why are you like, whyare you feeling this way?
Get up, do this.
You know, don't feel this way.
Be grateful.
Those feelings that come up of feelingreally depressed, feeling really
(16:03):
angry, feeling that resentment canoften be signs that we try to talk
ourselves out of rather than listen to.
And I think that there's a bit of athing, you know, that we're failing or we
shouldn't feel this way, or you know, thatthose feelings in and of itself resembles
some form of us not doing life right.
Okay, so just rounding up thisepisode, one thing that I, the
(16:24):
last point that I wanna make is.
In these episodes when I talk aboutthe signals that we experience.
So again, maybe you have a really deepsense of depression or a deep sense
of resentment or anger when you'resort of stuck in one of these cycles.
And again, I'm not speaking forlike clinical depression or I'm only
speaking from the sense of when wefeel like we're in a bit of a loop
(16:47):
where we have like a really good coupleof months or days and then all of a
sudden we get stuck in this place.
And we know that we are carrying a lot forothers, but we don't really understand.
Why we're feeling this way?
I think it's really important toknow that this episode is not about
removing the part of us that wants tocarry, removing the part of us that
wants to support others, removingthe part of us that wants to help.
(17:08):
But I do think that it's justunderstanding and knowing
the cycle, knowing the signs.
That, that are leading to emotionalburnout or if we are there and
knowing, I suppose, developing thatunderstanding of what it looks like
to support ourselves in those moments.
And this is something that I think I'mdefinitely learning myself, especially
with my therapist, understanding why I getinto that place of feeling, you know, why
(17:32):
that part of me gets really depressed orwhy that part of me gets really angry or
why that part of me gets really anxious
To me now I'm learning that those aresignals for some, for something for me.
So in particular for this example,when I couldn't pinpoint anything in
my life, that to me should have beena sign that when that depression or
that frustration or that anger wascoming up, that it was because I was
(17:56):
probably carrying too much of othersand not giving myself enough space
to sort of recoup, right, regenerate,
Rest.
So I think that that is an importantthing to remember, that those
signals can be really important tosupporting us in changing cycles and
supporting us in supporting ourselves.
So really now I understand ifsomething like that comes up, it's
(18:18):
a flag for me to take time out.
To ease up.
If I'm starting to feel that wayagain, it's a reminder to take
time out, to take a step back.
So understanding, I suppose, theplace that these emotions have in the
cycle, again, of being the caretakerand knowing when that comes up and
what to do is another really importantpoint and really insightful, I think,
to understanding ourselves as well.
(18:40):
So I hope this episode hasbeen really helpful and I will
catch you in the next one.
Thank you so much for listening.
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