April 2, 2023 • 12 mins
Grief Stages After Death // Stages I wish I’d Heard Earlier (Not The 5 Stages of Grief)
The five stages of grief were the first thing I thought of when I started my grief journey and was trying to figure out how to grieve.
After reading more about coping with grief and dealing with grief, I came across two ideas on grief stages after death that resembled and explained what I had been through and was going through as I learned how to grieve a death.
In this episode, I share these grief stages (which aren’t the five stages of grief). Instead, they’re stages that have given me insight into dealing with grief and learning how to grieve.
Join our bi-weekly journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
Receive bite-sized insights and practical strategies to boost your confidence, nurture relationships, and live authentically in the face of life’s challenges.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
You're now listeningto the Self-Development Collective,
a podcast in community full of inner workand self-development ideas
to help us get unstuckand become the person we truly want to be.
Hi guys, and welcometo the Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode today, we're goingto be talking about stages of grief,
but not the five stages of grief,because these are different
(00:24):
stages of grief that I found thatI really wish I had known early on.
That really resonated with me.
So I've been doing a bit of grief workjust because I have decided
to create a grief communitywhere we can get resources
and actually learn ways to copewith grief, different coping skills,
but also a community to talk to oneanother to support one another.
(00:45):
But somewhere where we geta bit more education around grief because,
you know, when Iwhen I when I first lost my brother,
I definitelydidn't feel like there was enough support.
I didn't know enough.
I really had to search hardfor information.
And I think that's the challenge,
that you're already in a spacewhere you have no idea what's going on.
So any form of guidance would have beenreally, really helpful at the time.
(01:07):
And I think that that's something
that I would like to create a spacewhere people can go to where they feel
like they can get informationand get support around grief.
So the reason I'm
one of the things that I've created inthis is I found these amazing stages
that really resonated with mebecause they're exactly the stages
I felt like I go throughand have been through through grief
(01:28):
and they're not the five stagesbecause I feel like everyone talks about
the five stages of grief and peopletend to go towards that because, you know,
you want a bit of guidancewhen it comes to grief.
You want a little bit of an idea onif things are going to be okay and what
it's going to look like.
So I do want to talk aboutthese two processes or these two stages
that I found.
(01:48):
So the first one is calledthe due Process of Grief.
Now, I came across it ina book called Living with Loss really
great and social Worker created this book.
I'm really, really great love reading itand basically says that
during, you know, after oneonce we've lost someone that we love,
we tend to movebetween these two processes.
(02:08):
So we have a loss orientated andwe have restore restoration orientated.
And this makes sense to me because when Iespecially at the beginning of grief
and especially when I met sorry, mymy husband,
I usually would go through these stageswhere like I felt okay
and I felt like I was moving forward andlike, you know, I felt like I was kind of
(02:31):
sort of avoiding the grief,but also sort of being like, but I'm okay.
Like, I'm not feeling it right now.
And then I go through these timeswhere, like,
that's all I could think about,where it drove my thinking, my thoughts.
I felt depressed.
I didn't want to move forward and I wouldliterally oscillate between the two.
And this is what the dualprocess of grief is.
It is this process.
And when I read it, I was like,Oh my God, this makes so much sense. So
(02:54):
if you find yourself going
through the emotions, this is one thingto give you a bit of guidance.
And I think had I known this,I would have been like,
okay, well, at the moment, obviously I'mjust in that restoration sort of space
and that's okay.
And eventually I'll move back to the loss
and I think again, it's just normalizingthose experiences.
So loss orientated, what does that feellike when we're in that space?
(03:15):
So that's why me doing grief work,whether it's like therapy, journaling,
reading, really thinking about a grief.
So for me, like when I think about these,
I think especially at the beginning,you know, I was journaling a lot.
Hey, I was reading a lot on grief as well.
You're thinkingabout the loss of your loved one.
And I think that means,like I think about my brother every day,
but I think it's more like a constantall day, every day kind of vibe.
(03:39):
That's how it was for me.
A deep longing and sadnessfor your loved one,
missing your old life,who you used to be thinking
of your grief experiences and memories,but also in the loss orientation.
You're also in that spaceof letting go of relationships in a way.
So something that I experiencedat the beginning of my grief,
I also decided to end two keyrelationships in my life.
(04:02):
So one being my partner at the time,who I'd been with for six years,
and the second mum was my best friend whoI'd been best friends with for 20 years.
And there were situationsthat had come up around
the time of the grief where I just turnedaround and went, You know what?
I actually don't needto put up with this anymore.
I'm not this type of person
that's going to allowthis type of behavior in my life anymore.
And so that'swhen I think of loss orientated,
(04:24):
which apparently ending relationshipsafter loss is quite common.
That's what my therapist told me as well,which was, again, great to hear.
Interesting to hear
because I suppose it just, I don't know,just again normalizes the experience. So
there were times where I go through that
and not usually that loss orientationusually for me happens right
(04:45):
before milestones, right before birthdays,right before any sort of big things.
I tend to excuse me,
I tend to go through timeswhere I'm doing a lot more of that work.
Especially lately,
even the end of certain relationshipsor friendships bring up that grace.
Like, you know, I'mkind of in that loss orientated mindset.
And then there's other timeswhere I'm more in that restoration
(05:07):
orientated mindset.
So that is adjusting to life
with a different experienceand perspective, discovering
who you are or who you want to be afterthe loss of your loved one.
Doing new things everydaylife distracts us from our grief
and your relationshipsor adjustments of relationships.
So when I think of these,I think of when I met my husband,
(05:28):
once we started seeing each othermore frequently,
that was definitely more of a restorationperiod for me, right?
Because I was meeting his new friends,I was making all these new friends of his.
I was doing new things and I felt likemy everyday life was distracting me.
I was seeing him,I was talking to him all the time
and I was really startingto start this podcast and discover
(05:48):
who I wanted to beand what I wanted to do with my life.
And I was starting to adjust to a lifewith that different perspective
that grief brings.
So like right now I'm probably morein that restoration orientation,
but a couple of days agoI was definitely leaning towards
towards a loss orientation, just me,some work that I'd done with my therapist
around the loss of current friendshipsand stuff that I had experienced recently.
(06:10):
So if you feel like these are you,this is like really great to just know.
And that's, I think, something that reallyis important when it comes to grief.
Just knowing these things are being awareof them helps us to be able
to see them as they happen and againhelps us feel a little less crazy.
And I think that's important to knowbecause I would go
when I was in that restorationspace, I'd be like, What is going on?
(06:33):
Like, why not grieving?
Why am I sad? Why am I doing this?
But it's almost like your braingives itself a break and it needs a break
just because of the older onethat comes with grief.
So oscillatingor going between these two modes of loss
orientation and restoration orientation,really normal studies have found it.
It's and it's labeledthe dual grief process,
(06:53):
but I like to just refer to itas stages, right?
I think for me,
I think I'll be going through a stage,those two stages for the rest of my life,
depending on where I'm at, what I'm doing.
Again, milestones and things that come up.
Now, the second stages of grief
that I wanted to bring forward to thatI found
has four stages now. I'm so sorry.
I actually have goneblank on the name of excited.
(07:16):
I don't think I wrote it in here
because I kind of adjusted itand made it a bit
more based on what I learned,a bit more user friendly.
So there's four stagesin this particular one.
And the first one is shocking numbness.
So we feel overwhelmed,numb and shut down.
The second stage is yearningand searching, so we yearn
and look for our loved ones to feelthe emptiness created by their loss.
(07:39):
We feel big emotions like sadness, anger,anxiety and confusion.
Then we move into disorganizationand despair.
We beginrecognizing the daily reality of the loss.
We might feel apathy, anger,despair and hopelessness.
We may withdraw and disengage from othersand activities we usually enjoy.
And then the fourth stageis reorganization.
(08:00):
So we begin to create a new normaland try to integrate the loss.
We search for a new identity,one that includes our grief and a loved
one in this way.
So theseare four stages that I really like as well
because I resonated with them.
And I don't know about you,but these are definitely stages
that I felt and feelas I'm going through experiences.
(08:20):
And again, back to that, milestones,anniversaries, things that happen.
I tend to go through those those stagesand then have to reorganize again
as I'm going.
And so that's whyI like these stages of grief.
And just to remind, they stagesare not things like we can go through
all these stages in a day, like there'sno there's no way that like these stages
(08:42):
will be like sequentialand end at some point and beginning
at some point, we can fillthese stages in days, in months and years.
And I think for me,
these are definitely resonatewith me again
right before big milestones,right before any sort of inner work
that I've done sometimes, too, it mightcome while I mean, that loss orientation,
I might go through these stagesand then when I get to the restoration,
(09:04):
I mean that reorganization phaseso that for me, just knowing these things
has been really helpful in my lossbecause now I understand
as I'm going through them
that these are stages or experiencesthat I'm going through in grief.
And I think it's always helpfulto get a bit of direction
and to have an ideaand see where we're going
or wherewe're headed or what might come next.
(09:26):
And if it does come up,you can acknowledge it and be aware of it.
And that's something that I really,really liked.
And again, these four stages for me,I really prefer them over the five stages
just because I felt likeinstead of acceptance
or like reorganization,I prefer that term instead of acceptance.
I prefer the term integration.
I like that idea that we're reorganizingwho we are around our grief, around
(09:50):
what we've learned, aroundwho we are, around what our loved one
has taught us in their lifetimeand the time that we've had together,
and also reorganizing our relationship
with thembased on how this is going to shift
now that they're not herein the physical world.
And again, that's a very personal thing.
There's no right or wrong with that.
But I love these stages and I feel likethey just really resonated with me,
(10:11):
both the stages
and the processes, the loss orientationand the restoration orientation.
So I'm going to share a link belowfor a free grief journal that I have.
And the GriefJournal has the stages of grief,
but it doesn't havethe due process of grief.
But I mentioned this in the Journalbecause I think it's really important
to be able to see these stagesand be able to relate to them
(10:32):
and again, normalizethe experience that comes with grief.
And I really, really love theseespecially,
you know, the disorganization and despairand the reorganization.
They just really resonated with mebecause I feel like I go through that.
So much, especially the withdrawingand disengaging.
And I used to like especiallythere was probably a couple of months ago
where I went through a massive momentof that disorganization and despair.
(10:55):
And I think
knowing that it's part of a processand it's something that I have to go
through from time to time,it just puts the pressure off to feel like
I need to fix it and it allows meto just go with it, knowing that
it's part of a process for methat I have experienced before.
So keeping in mind that every experiencein grief is different
and take what resonates, live,what doesn't.
But I hope that these stagesand this process that we've spoken
(11:17):
about gives you a bit of
guidance, gentle
guidance into whatyour grief might look like.
It also might resonatewith what your grief has looked like,
which is what I foundwhen I found these stages.
And I wish that I had seen them earlier
because I was just so focusedon those five stages and especially
that stage of acceptance, which to meI struggled with
(11:38):
the term acceptance
until I really had to get my head aroundwhat that looked like for me.
And I share an episode on that too,which I will add somewhere
along the top of the YouTube video here.
But thank you so much for listening.
I hope that something in this episode
resonated with you and as I say,100 times in every episode so important.
Leave it,take what resonates, live what doesn't.
(12:00):
But thank you so much for listening.
And I'm sending you my loveand thoughts on your grief journey.
You're now listeningto the Self-Development Collective,
a podcast in a community full of innerwork and self-development ideas
to help us get unstuckand become the person we
truly want to be.
You're now listeningto the Self-Development Collective,
a podcast in community full of inner workand self-development ideas
to help us get unstuckand become the person we truly want to be.
Hi guys, and welcometo the Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode today, we're goingto be talking about stages of grief,
but not the five stages of grief,because these are different
(00:24):
stages of grief that I found thatI really wish I had known early on.
That really resonated with me.
So I've been doing a bit of grief workjust because I have decided
to create a grief communitywhere we can get resources
and actually learn ways to copewith grief, different coping skills,
but also a community to talk to oneanother to support one another.
(00:45):
But somewhere where we geta bit more education around grief because,
you know, when Iwhen I when I first lost my brother,
I definitelydidn't feel like there was enough support.
I didn't know enough.
I really had to search hardfor information.
And I think that's the challenge,
that you're already in a spacewhere you have no idea what's going on.
So any form of guidance would have beenreally, really helpful at the time.
(01:07):
And I think that that's something
that I would like to create a spacewhere people can go to where they feel
like they can get informationand get support around grief.
So the reason I'm
one of the things that I've created inthis is I found these amazing stages
that really resonated with mebecause they're exactly the stages
I felt like I go throughand have been through through grief
(01:28):
and they're not the five stagesbecause I feel like everyone talks about
the five stages of grief and peopletend to go towards that because, you know,
you want a bit of guidancewhen it comes to grief.
You want a little bit of an idea onif things are going to be okay and what
it's going to look like.
So I do want to talk aboutthese two processes or these two stages
that I found.
(01:48):
So the first one is calledthe due Process of Grief.
Now, I came across it ina book called Living with Loss really
great and social Worker created this book.
I'm really, really great love reading itand basically says that
during, you know, after oneonce we've lost someone that we love,
we tend to movebetween these two processes.
(02:08):
So we have a loss orientated andwe have restore restoration orientated.
And this makes sense to me because when Iespecially at the beginning of grief
and especially when I met sorry, mymy husband,
I usually would go through these stageswhere like I felt okay
and I felt like I was moving forward andlike, you know, I felt like I was kind of
(02:31):
sort of avoiding the grief,but also sort of being like, but I'm okay.
Like, I'm not feeling it right now.
And then I go through these timeswhere, like,
that's all I could think about,where it drove my thinking, my thoughts.
I felt depressed.
I didn't want to move forward and I wouldliterally oscillate between the two.
And this is what the dualprocess of grief is.
It is this process.
And when I read it, I was like,Oh my God, this makes so much sense. So
(02:54):
if you find yourself going
through the emotions, this is one thingto give you a bit of guidance.
And I think had I known this,I would have been like,
okay, well, at the moment, obviously I'mjust in that restoration sort of space
and that's okay.
And eventually I'll move back to the loss
and I think again, it's just normalizingthose experiences.
So loss orientated, what does that feellike when we're in that space?
(03:15):
So that's why me doing grief work,whether it's like therapy, journaling,
reading, really thinking about a grief.
So for me, like when I think about these,
I think especially at the beginning,you know, I was journaling a lot.
Hey, I was reading a lot on grief as well.
You're thinkingabout the loss of your loved one.
And I think that means,like I think about my brother every day,
but I think it's more like a constantall day, every day kind of vibe.
(03:39):
That's how it was for me.
A deep longing and sadnessfor your loved one,
missing your old life,who you used to be thinking
of your grief experiences and memories,but also in the loss orientation.
You're also in that spaceof letting go of relationships in a way.
So something that I experiencedat the beginning of my grief,
I also decided to end two keyrelationships in my life.
(04:02):
So one being my partner at the time,who I'd been with for six years,
and the second mum was my best friend whoI'd been best friends with for 20 years.
And there were situationsthat had come up around
the time of the grief where I just turnedaround and went, You know what?
I actually don't needto put up with this anymore.
I'm not this type of person
that's going to allowthis type of behavior in my life anymore.
And so that'swhen I think of loss orientated,
(04:24):
which apparently ending relationshipsafter loss is quite common.
That's what my therapist told me as well,which was, again, great to hear.
Interesting to hear
because I suppose it just, I don't know,just again normalizes the experience. So
there were times where I go through that
and not usually that loss orientationusually for me happens right
(04:45):
before milestones, right before birthdays,right before any sort of big things.
I tend to excuse me,
I tend to go through timeswhere I'm doing a lot more of that work.
Especially lately,
even the end of certain relationshipsor friendships bring up that grace.
Like, you know, I'mkind of in that loss orientated mindset.
And then there's other timeswhere I'm more in that restoration
(05:07):
orientated mindset.
So that is adjusting to life
with a different experienceand perspective, discovering
who you are or who you want to be afterthe loss of your loved one.
Doing new things everydaylife distracts us from our grief
and your relationshipsor adjustments of relationships.
So when I think of these,I think of when I met my husband,
(05:28):
once we started seeing each othermore frequently,
that was definitely more of a restorationperiod for me, right?
Because I was meeting his new friends,I was making all these new friends of his.
I was doing new things and I felt likemy everyday life was distracting me.
I was seeing him,I was talking to him all the time
and I was really startingto start this podcast and discover
(05:48):
who I wanted to beand what I wanted to do with my life.
And I was starting to adjust to a lifewith that different perspective
that grief brings.
So like right now I'm probably morein that restoration orientation,
but a couple of days agoI was definitely leaning towards
towards a loss orientation, just me,some work that I'd done with my therapist
around the loss of current friendshipsand stuff that I had experienced recently.
(06:10):
So if you feel like these are you,this is like really great to just know.
And that's, I think, something that reallyis important when it comes to grief.
Just knowing these things are being awareof them helps us to be able
to see them as they happen and againhelps us feel a little less crazy.
And I think that's important to knowbecause I would go
when I was in that restorationspace, I'd be like, What is going on?
(06:33):
Like, why not grieving?
Why am I sad? Why am I doing this?
But it's almost like your braingives itself a break and it needs a break
just because of the older onethat comes with grief.
So oscillatingor going between these two modes of loss
orientation and restoration orientation,really normal studies have found it.
It's and it's labeledthe dual grief process,
(06:53):
but I like to just refer to itas stages, right?
I think for me,
I think I'll be going through a stage,those two stages for the rest of my life,
depending on where I'm at, what I'm doing.
Again, milestones and things that come up.
Now, the second stages of grief
that I wanted to bring forward to thatI found
has four stages now. I'm so sorry.
I actually have goneblank on the name of excited.
(07:16):
I don't think I wrote it in here
because I kind of adjusted itand made it a bit
more based on what I learned,a bit more user friendly.
So there's four stagesin this particular one.
And the first one is shocking numbness.
So we feel overwhelmed,numb and shut down.
The second stage is yearningand searching, so we yearn
and look for our loved ones to feelthe emptiness created by their loss.
(07:39):
We feel big emotions like sadness, anger,anxiety and confusion.
Then we move into disorganizationand despair.
We beginrecognizing the daily reality of the loss.
We might feel apathy, anger,despair and hopelessness.
We may withdraw and disengage from othersand activities we usually enjoy.
And then the fourth stageis reorganization.
(08:00):
So we begin to create a new normaland try to integrate the loss.
We search for a new identity,one that includes our grief and a loved
one in this way.
So theseare four stages that I really like as well
because I resonated with them.
And I don't know about you,but these are definitely stages
that I felt and feelas I'm going through experiences.
(08:20):
And again, back to that, milestones,anniversaries, things that happen.
I tend to go through those those stagesand then have to reorganize again
as I'm going.
And so that's whyI like these stages of grief.
And just to remind, they stagesare not things like we can go through
all these stages in a day, like there'sno there's no way that like these stages
(08:42):
will be like sequentialand end at some point and beginning
at some point, we can fillthese stages in days, in months and years.
And I think for me,
these are definitely resonatewith me again
right before big milestones,right before any sort of inner work
that I've done sometimes, too, it mightcome while I mean, that loss orientation,
I might go through these stagesand then when I get to the restoration,
(09:04):
I mean that reorganization phaseso that for me, just knowing these things
has been really helpful in my lossbecause now I understand
as I'm going through them
that these are stages or experiencesthat I'm going through in grief.
And I think it's always helpfulto get a bit of direction
and to have an ideaand see where we're going
or wherewe're headed or what might come next.
(09:26):
And if it does come up,you can acknowledge it and be aware of it.
And that's something that I really,really liked.
And again, these four stages for me,I really prefer them over the five stages
just because I felt likeinstead of acceptance
or like reorganization,I prefer that term instead of acceptance.
I prefer the term integration.
I like that idea that we're reorganizingwho we are around our grief, around
(09:50):
what we've learned, aroundwho we are, around what our loved one
has taught us in their lifetimeand the time that we've had together,
and also reorganizing our relationship
with thembased on how this is going to shift
now that they're not herein the physical world.
And again, that's a very personal thing.
There's no right or wrong with that.
But I love these stages and I feel likethey just really resonated with me,
(10:11):
both the stages
and the processes, the loss orientationand the restoration orientation.
So I'm going to share a link belowfor a free grief journal that I have.
And the GriefJournal has the stages of grief,
but it doesn't havethe due process of grief.
But I mentioned this in the Journalbecause I think it's really important
to be able to see these stagesand be able to relate to them
(10:32):
and again, normalizethe experience that comes with grief.
And I really, really love theseespecially,
you know, the disorganization and despairand the reorganization.
They just really resonated with mebecause I feel like I go through that.
So much, especially the withdrawingand disengaging.
And I used to like especiallythere was probably a couple of months ago
where I went through a massive momentof that disorganization and despair.
(10:55):
And I think
knowing that it's part of a processand it's something that I have to go
through from time to time,it just puts the pressure off to feel like
I need to fix it and it allows meto just go with it, knowing that
it's part of a process for methat I have experienced before.
So keeping in mind that every experiencein grief is different
and take what resonates, live,what doesn't.
But I hope that these stagesand this process that we've spoken
(11:17):
about gives you a bit of
guidance, gentle
guidance into whatyour grief might look like.
It also might resonatewith what your grief has looked like,
which is what I foundwhen I found these stages.
And I wish that I had seen them earlier
because I was just so focusedon those five stages and especially
that stage of acceptance, which to meI struggled with
(11:38):
the term acceptance
until I really had to get my head aroundwhat that looked like for me.
And I share an episode on that too,which I will add somewhere
along the top of the YouTube video here.
But thank you so much for listening.
I hope that something in this episode
resonated with you and as I say,100 times in every episode so important.
Leave it,take what resonates, live what doesn't.
(12:00):
But thank you so much for listening.
And I'm sending you my loveand thoughts on your grief journey.
You're now listeningto the Self-Development Collective,
a podcast in a community full of innerwork and self-development ideas
to help us get unstuckand become the person we
truly want to be.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!