May 20, 2025 • 30 mins
Free Inner Critic Meditation
https://selfdevelopmentcollective.com/free-inner-critic-meditation
In this episode, I open up about my personal journey with the inner critic—how it held me back, and how I’ve slowly learned to work with it rather than against it using the powerful lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
For years, I tried everything: affirmations, mindset shifts, journaling... but nothing helped silence that critical voice inside me. It wasn’t until I discovered IFS that I completely shifted my approach to working with the inner critic.
Together, we’ll explore:
-
What Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy says about the inner critic
-
Why trying to "silence" your inner critic often backfires
-
The connection between your inner critic and childhood experiences
-
A simple but powerful reframe that helped me soften my self-talk
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Book recommendation: Freedom from the Inner Critic by Jay Earley & Bonnie Weiss
Whether your inner critic sounds like “You’re not good enough,” or keeps pushing you to “do more, be more,” this episode is here to remind you: you are not alone. And there is a gentle way forward.
Resources for this episode //
Freedom From Your Inner Critic - Bonnie Weiss & Jay Early
https://www.amazon.com.au/Freedom-Your-Inner-Critic-Self-Therapy/dp/1604079428
No Bad Parts - Richard Schwartz
https://www.amazon.com.au/No-Bad-Parts-Restoring-Wholeness/dp/1785045113
Internal Family Systems - Richard Schwartz
https://www.amazon.com.au/Internal-Family-Systems-Therapy-Second/dp/B0D6NL2Y8C
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi there.
My name is Julia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to thefirst episode of the season for
the Self-Development Collective.
I'm really as usual,so excited to be here.
Thank you for being here.
I'm excited for this season becauselast season was really about finding
direction, using that side of theyear and that fresh sort of vibe to.
(00:42):
Really figure out where we wanted to go.
Look at our values, reflect on thethings that were important to us,
and use those values to continuouslyredirect us in our daily life and habits.
Right now, let's talk about this season.
This season I want to talk aboutand reflect on the things that hold
(01:03):
us back from making those moves.
The things that we struggle with whenit comes to, living out those values.
finding, the courage to bewho we wanna be to really.
Dig deep on the difficult topics.
The tricky topics, the reason that I lovetalking about these things is because I
genuinely feel that when we get into thesetopics, this is where our biggest growth,
(01:26):
our biggest realizations and the biggestopportunity to get to know ourselves and
that inner wisdom that we have is there.
That's personally what I've experienced inmy own life, when I have really dug deep
and sat with myself and I fully recognize.
how scary that can be.
I remember talking to my therapist andsaying to her, I don't know what it
(01:46):
is, but I just can't sit with myself.
I find myself getting reallyanxious and overwhelmed.
And she was like, yeah, look, I justthink sitting by yourself really
triggers that part of you that feltalone in things, Even guided meditation.
I really struggled.
I just didn't feel comfortablesitting with myself.
And I'll do an episode on that as well.
And so that really made sensewhen she explained that.
(02:07):
But over time and over a couple ofyears, really honestly, a couple of
years, I have slowly worked with myselfenough to feel comfortable with myself.
And this is what this season is about.
It's about finding ways to sit withourselves, the different experiences
to recognize our relationships.
I really wanna get into reallynitty gritty topics that
(02:28):
can really support us in.
setting boundaries, recognizing,our wants and needs and having
the courage to speak those andbeing able to sit with ourselves.
So this is what this season is about,and the first episode that we're
getting into today is inner critic.
This is something that was requestedby one of, the listeners, one
of the email community members.
(02:48):
And I just wanted to sayfirstly to this person.
Thank you.
For this suggestion.
And secondly, thank you so much forbeing a part of the email community.
I really appreciate it.
And third, thank you foryour patience because I know
that it has taken me a while.
The one thing with my content is I reallylike to make sure that I'm getting content
out there that I think will help people,but I also like to make sure that it's
(03:09):
genuine, which means I feel like I'm ata place where I can talk about things.
Because the thing with this podcastis I don't just talk about topics
that I think will be popular.
I. Talk about topics that areactually happening for me as they're
happening, so I can really offerthat raw, honest, open, work.
And that's my biggest thing aboutthis podcast, to make sure that I
(03:29):
stay genuine in everything I do and tomake sure that connection is genuine.
And to do that, I like to choosetopics as I'm experiencing them,
as I'm learning about them.
And I think this is great timing forthis topic because even when we set
our values, even when we set our goals,even when we had this idea and we are
like, okay, I am ready to go, it can bereally hard to take those steps because
the inner critic can be quite strong.
(03:50):
at the beginning of the year Iwas like, okay, you know what?
I'm gonna.
Do a bit more work, andtry different things.
I was on insight timer and I waslistening to a, um, I think it was
a course about purpose they hitstraight into the inner critic.
from memory, this person Was suggestingthat we overcome the inner critic,
tell it that we don't need it.
(04:11):
There was something along those lines.
And to be honest with you, that'sbeen the experience that I found
really common in inner critic work.
there's a lot of discussion aroundignoring it, telling it to be quiet or
trying to Remove it with affirmations,and I have done that before.
And while I think affirmations haveits place, I do think its places
with the work that, you know, there'sa twofold aspect to affirmations.
(04:32):
There is a part of itthat rewire your brain.
But I do think that we need to get into,you know, the, the experiences and repair
and think about those parts of us thatwere created from those experiences
before we get to those affirmations.
So.
Let's stick with inner critic.
All right, here's a question.
What if the inner criticwasn't here as an enemy?
(04:54):
What if we didn't see it as somethingthat got in the way, but what if
we saw it instead as a part ofus that is trying to protect us?
Now, this is not my idea.
This is, as you know, as I alwaystalk about my favorite therapy.
Internal Family Systems.
I love this therapy.
I work with my therapist doingthis work and I am a big reader
on Internal Family Systems.
(05:14):
I read Richard Schwartz manualand I absolutely loved it.
So I'm gonna share someresources for you below.
it's definitely one of the besttherapies for me that I recognize,
and I do a lot of it through my work.
So when I think about the inner criticand I think about the areas that
I feel it holds us back the most.
one that comes to mind first was I wentto my therapist and I was talking to her.
(05:35):
this was, around the time she recommendedwhat I'm gonna recommend to you guys.
I said to her, I remember saying to her,sometimes I look at my daughter and,
I think she doesn't knowhow like shit I am yet.
Like she doesn't realize.
And that is a self-defeating statementand quite difficult to say to you right
now because it is a very raw statement,but it's a very true one, that I
felt at the time I felt like, even mydaughter will see that I'm not enough.
(05:58):
And that was really that inner criticsome other experiences I've had with my
inner critic is with this work, right?
Definitely with this work, Istruggled to send out emails.
I felt like I didn't know enough.
I wasn't qualified, Iwasn't good enough to speak.
I felt like I would always get stuckin this loop with my inner critic,
where I felt like I didn't know enough.
So then I would go and studyand not do this work, and end up
(06:18):
really angry and frustrated becauseI wasn't listening to myself.
Because every time I tried to, myinner critic would come in and tell me
that I shouldn't be doing something.
I would pull back.
I would doubt myself.
I would listen to my inner critic whenit told me to study more and speak
less, and that's exactly what I did.
So when I started doing this work andI was sitting there in my therapist's
(06:39):
office, I was about to go overseaswith my child and my husband, and I
remember looking at her and saying,I can't get these emails out.
I just can't get them out.
She recommended this book calledFreedom from the Inner Critic
by Bonnie Weiss and Jay Early.
Now, they also teach internal familysystems, which is IFS for short.
So I'll say that moving forward.
(06:59):
And this was a really great book.
I really highly recommend it.
The next episode I'm gonna talk aboutthe types of inner critics that they have
highlighted in their work, and I thinkthat's another great, area to go into,
So let's talk about the innercritic from an IFS perspective.
Okay.
Because I feel, again that many ofthe, many of the things that we see out
there, many of the discussions aroundthe inner critic tend to be either
(07:22):
ignoring it, telling it to be quiet,or trying to talk ourselves out of it.
Like, no, I am good enough, or No, I cando this, or, no, I should be speaking.
honestly, I have done this my whole life.
And I definitely feel like I'm.
Finally at a place where I can followthrough with things because I know
how to work with that inner critic.
I have done a lot ofwork around it with IFS.
so if we look at the inner critic from aninternal family systems perspective, they
(07:45):
say that the inner critic is a protector.
So what is it protecting us from?
the inner critic was born orbuilt in our minds from childhood.
To keep us from experiencere-experiencing pain or rejection.
one of the best questions I often thinkabout with the inner critic is when
you think of your inner critic, right?
When you think of that voice, isit your voice or someone else's?
(08:09):
And if it is someone else's voice.
Who does it sound like?
And the reason I ask this is becausegenerally in my experience, again,
what I've experienced, inner criticis usually a protective part that
is born from trying to offer thatcriticism we're used to getting.
It's kind of like we offer it to ourselvesbefore other people say it to protect us
(08:31):
from, the hurt and the rejection we'llfeel, The inner critic is born out of
wanting to protect that part of us thatfelt the hurt, the rejection, right?
a lot of us would callthat the inner child.
in internal family systems,they call it the exile, because
this part of us was exiled.
It was put into exile because theexperiences were too painful, the
(08:53):
beliefs, the memories that this partcarries are too hard to sit with, right?
So imagine, we're younger,we're getting criticized.
We feel that hurt, thatsense of loneliness.
that sense of just beingwrong, inherently wrong.
And the reason I say that isbecause I reflect on it myself and
understand, and again, this is nothave a go at our parents, or again,
(09:13):
I dunno your situation, I dunnoanyone's situation that's listening.
But I know, speaking from myperspective, usually when I think of
the people that were highly criticalin my life, it's usually because they
were that critical on themselves.
they usually had an experience withcaregivers themselves being that critical.
it just gets carried down the lineuntil, that's why they say cycle breaker
until someone decides to stop it.
And this is worth thatI've really focused on.
(09:35):
So again, I don't know.
The intentions, but I'm not here to talkabout parents and how they've created.
This is just to say that our mindsare wonderful, they are powerful.
They can do amazing things.
And the inner critic is actuallyone of our most protective parts,
I think, from my experience.
Because what it does is it jumps inand says, Hey, I'm going to protect you
(09:56):
and I'm gonna do it the way I know how.
Which is I'm gonna protect you from whatthese people say because if I say it
to you first, it might hurt you less.
Or if I say it to you, you might dodifferently, and then you might get
that love that you're looking for.
Or if I say it first, then.
You know, maybe your caregivers mightsee the part that you want them to see.
And this is why this issuch powerful work, right?
(10:16):
Because these are the partsthat are hard to sit with.
And I think that the inner criticis so fierce at protecting us from
that shame that can come with beinghighly criticized by a caregiver.
It's a really powerful part and that'swhat makes it so hard to silence.
And the reason that I thinksilencing it isn't the answer is
because for me, it hasn't worked.
It's only when I've worked with thisinner critic, learned to understand
(10:39):
it and to get to know the exile.
Have I really been able to, see itfrom a different perspective work with
it and accept that part of myself,but also shift it, help it to grow.
And this is what I love about IFS,A lot of people talk about, changing
the inner critic, getting rid of it.
But what happens if the innercritic is looking for growth?
What happens if instead of getting ridof that part, we can give that part a
(10:59):
different position to play in our lives.
And that is what if FS is about?
So what it usually does is it says, okay,we've got this inner critic and this
inner child, this exile that has takenon all these burdens of being criticized.
And now this inner critic will notlet you go there because it knows how.
Bad.
It feels to be that child again,
To sit with those things.
now I think the idea of internalfamily systems having these parts
(11:22):
can make us feel a little crazy.
So I wanna address that becauseeven my therapist was like,
this becomes a bit woo woo.
So I wanna sort of normalize itwhile we're talking about it.
we might have a part of usthat likes to criticize us.
Then we have a part of us thatlikes to get really angry.
And it's like when we say in thatconversation, a part of me wants to do
this, but a part of me wants to do that.
Someone who I've found really helpfulin this work is Janina Fisher.
(11:45):
she talks about thebiological perspective of IFS.
she says, you know how you hear that term,neurons that fire together, wire together.
basically what she says is those parts.
that.
Protector sort of partlives in a neural network.
In my mind, it's a patentpathway in my brain.
So over time, as I've continuously livedfrom that part, it becomes like a mental
(12:07):
trail that gets stronger and stronger.
imagine I'm about to do this work.
Now I know that when I was younger, ifI approached, my family with this work,
I probably would've felt criticized.
Whether that was your intention or not,I would've felt criticized because it
would've been like, you should do thisand you should do that, and you didn't do
this right, and you didn't do that right.
they would pick out the parts,wanting to probably make me
(12:28):
better, but not realizing that.
It was so much that then Ilearned to do that myself.
So what would happen is when I would goto try something that in a part of me
that felt criticized, the protector wouldcome in, which is that inner critic and
be like, no, you need to fix this, this,and this, and this and this, and this.
The inner critic wouldcome in, to protect, right?
Protecting me fromgetting into that pathway.
(12:50):
This pathway lights up thepathway in front of it and
goes, no fix this and this,
Like literally jumped in and toldme everything I should be doing
before someone else said it, right?
So then when the inner critic shows up,it's that brain pathway taking over.
And then what happens is we tend to seethings through its eyes, so it feels like
the whole truth rather than just one part.
(13:11):
So this is the thing that happenswhen we walk around with the inner
critic, when we really get stuck in it.
And I can again completely empathizehere because this is something that
I have struggled with so much in myown work, held me back four years.
writing an email.
Was so challenging getting an email outto the subscribers and like, you know,
I get some beautiful replies, but Ialso get some really tricky ones too.
(13:34):
I get people that are like, I don'tunderstand what you're saying.
Or I had someone once who waslike, please stop emailing me.
I think I had one or two people thatprobably had a go at me from memory.
And I think the work with theinner critic has really helped
me to take on those emails.
I remember once, after I'd donea lot of this work, I emailed
someone and was like, all good.
(13:54):
Sounds like I'm not for you.
I'll take you off the list.
it was just a thing of fair enough.
This sounds like I'm not your person.
And so I think when we do that innercritic work, when we start to give
it a different part, when we start toreally repair those neural pathways,
and recreate new ones, that's whenwe can respond differently, right?
So If I'm talking aboutthis inner critic, right?
(14:15):
And I'm saying that I'm working withmy inner critic, who is the person
working with the inner critic?
It's me, right?
So this is the tricky part aboutIFS and the part that I wanna
explain really carefully becauseI think it's so important now,
No Bad Parts is a reallygreat book by Richard Swartz.
He's a creator of Internal FamilySystems, but basically his idea
is that we have a core self, okay?
(14:36):
So we have a part of us that wouldbe like the observer of the thoughts
how people talk about consciousnessand, getting into that sort of space.
So he defines this selfbeneath all our parts, right?
Beneath everything.
There is what he calls the selfand he explains that as a core
undamaged, essential naturethat exists within every person.
(14:57):
it's not something that we create.
It's already there.
And he gives an idea, like whenyou're in self, you, feel calm
curious compassionate or confident.
the way I like to explainit is like a calm curiosity.
That's the way that I feel it the most.
So basically we have the self, right?
this is our energy.
This is who we are at our core.
okay, so the way IFS works isthat when we get into self, this.
(15:21):
Calm, curious place, then wecan approach the inner critic
and all these parts, right?
So you know when you're doing ameditation and you are picturing the
parts of you and maybe you pictureyour inner child, That's the idea here.
So with IFS, there are likeinner childs, which are exile
exiles, but there are also these.
Parts that are called protectors,which protect those inner child.
(15:43):
Those inner child, right, thatprotect us from getting to them.
And the reason I love this is because,again, Janine Fisher's work is
amazing 'cause she really highlights,this is our brain at its best.
And this is the part thatcompletely flips you, right?
Because how can you think that somethingthat tells you you're not good enough,
could ever be the best part of your brain?
this is the thing I feellike I have learned.
(16:05):
The brain's job is toprotect to keep us surviving.
So it creates ways to helpus survive, not thrive.
That's my experience from it.
So when I am triggered and something comesup and I respond in a certain way, yes.
our brain's job is to findways to keep us going.
And that's what Janine Fishertalks about in her book.
And that's why I love Janina Fisher'swork because it's a real emphasis on
(16:27):
the amazing ability of our brain tokeep us going and how great it is at
coming up with different parts that canprotect us from tricky feelings that
we don't know how to handle, right?
That we need to go in andreparent and rework and work with.
So.
IFS.
Let's do a quick recap froman inner critic perspective.
(16:47):
we have the inner critic, whichis a protective part of us.
Then we have the criticized part of us,the part that really feels that criticism,
right, that that inner critic gives.
We've got that inner child somewhere
Just feels, those feels of what it feelslike to feel inherently wrong as a person
because criticism, when it's dishedout enough, can definitely make us feel
like there is something wrong with us.
(17:09):
So there's those, and then wehave this core nature, the self,
It's not a part, it's an essentialnature and the way I think of it, right?
If we existed as a person in a bubble.
In our bubble, we'd have our selfenergy, and then within that bubble we
have our parts, So if we're stuck ina part, we are seeing everything else
(17:29):
from that part, from that perspective.
But if we jump out of that partand go back To our self energy,
then we can start to see anddialogue and understand those parts.
So that's a really quick wayof me trying to explain it.
And I know how tricky this topic is,but it's really important because
this is the only way that I havemanaged to make the inner critic work.
(17:50):
So with IFS.
Question, what if the answerisn't to push away the critic,
but actually to get to know it?
I know that sounds like, a couple yearsago, I would not have been ready for that.
the reason I think self energyis so important, that curiosity
is so important is because.
It's like when you're trying to understandsomeone's perspective, you're not
like, oh yeah, what do you have to say?
(18:11):
that's not being curious.
It's okay.
I want to understand you more.
that's the kind of energy thatwe wanna approach the part with.
That's the kind of energy that we wannaapproach our inner critic with, right?
when we are trying to getrid of it, that's just a part
that wants to get rid of it.
When we are trying to ignore it, that's apart that just wants to ignore it, Because
then what happens is it's kind of like.
Inside out.
We have all these different partsof us that just the movie inside
(18:35):
Out that just want to do theirbest with their own strategies.
And the reality of it is thosestrategies are from wanting to protect
us, not from wanting us to thrive andfiguring out how to overcome really
tricky parts of us is about recognizingand getting into that self energy.
Right?
How do we do this?
So really the suggestion I wouldgive on something, I'm gonna try.
(18:55):
So work with me here because I have notwritten a meditation before, but I do
a lot of my own, using a lot of IFS.
So I'm gonna try and write one and shareit with you and see how you go with that.
Let me know.
But I am gonna do that.
I'm gonna try it because howdo we talk to the inner critic?
the way to work with the inner criticin IFS is they do a meditation and
they ask a couple of questions thathelp you get into that self energy.
(19:17):
So just imagine that self energyis like curious energy, right?
Curious energy to help you get morecurious and understand this part from a.
Perspective of like self-compassionand self-acceptance, right?
So one of the first questions theyask is you have to ask yourself, how
do I feel towards this inner critic?
And usually what that does is ithighlights maybe if we're stuck in any
of those like neural pathways, we'restuck in any of those other parts And
(19:40):
what this does is it draws us out ofthat and into that self energy again.
So it's kind of like seeing all thoseseparate parts and stepping back a bit.
So this is just sort of a check in.
And then we ask ourinner critic questions.
So some of the questions that we wouldask is, what are you afraid would
happen if you stopped protecting me?
What age do you think I am now?
(20:02):
And what do you want me to know or see?
the thing I love about this, is it's notabout convincing us of our self-worth.
It's not about trying to get rid of it.
It's trying to understand, the purpose ofthe inner critic understanding why it came
in and what it was protecting us from.
Right now the biggest thingI wanna talk about is.
(20:24):
With IFS and something I completelyagree with, to be honest.
Like as we were talking about, wehave that inner critic and then we
have that sort of inner child that theinner critic is protecting us from.
Now, usually with IFS work and somethingI've realized myself, we don't go straight
to working with the inner child becauseI don't know about you, but I found like
if I tried previously to go straightto that part that felt really lonely.
(20:45):
It wouldn't work because the protectiveparts come in and go, no, no, no.
We are not getting in there.
Because that floods us.
That freaks us out.
That scares us.
We won't survive that.
And so the protective parts come back in.
They do their job right?
So this is why I love IFS.
It's not about getting straight intothe tricky, it's about getting into
those defensive parts, those partsthat are really hard to work with.
(21:07):
The parts that, you know, thereis a part of us that wants
to get rid of them, right?
The inner critic, the really anxiouspart, maybe the really angry part.
I know I've had to work with that.
So imagine those parts, those partsthat, ugh, we just don't know how to.
hurdle them.
This is what this work does.
It focuses on that first beforewe get into the inner child work,
(21:28):
which again, they call exiles.
I wanna just talk because the ideaof this was about how to dialogue
and work with the inner critic only.
So it's not about working with the innerchild or that part that felt criticized.
It's about.
Getting to that inner critic, thatpart that really hammers us, that
part that we feel holds us back.
for example, the inner critic wouldhammer me and eventually I would feel
(21:50):
like that inner child, I would hammermyself enough that I'd go back into
that pathway of feeling not good enough,feeling like I couldn't do things,
and I would get stuck in that loop.
So I try to do something, hammer myself.
My inner critic would flare up.
Keep going until eventually I gave up andthen I would go into that inner child.
I'm not good enough.
I can't do this.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Right.
(22:10):
So Janina Fisher is great because alot of people find this work confusing,
and she brings the science behind it,which I think is really important.
So she talks about thebrain science behind this.
So when we bring curiosity andcompassion to the inner critic, we
begin rewiring the brain, right?
Shifting from survival to connection.
And this is what this is all about.
(22:31):
It's about working with those parts thatwork really hard to keep us surviving.
Protective parts, and then we go intoconnection by working and re-parenting
those inner child or those exiles.
So that's really howthis works and I love it.
It's my favorite all time favorite.
So protectors, like the inner critic,usually come from attachment wounds.
their strategies, we learn to getlove, avoid shame, or stay safe.
(22:53):
So this is her work, right?
And she says the exile behind.
Protector.
So behind the critic in this case isusually holding the unmet need for
care, for acceptance, for safety, right?
So when we get into that curious energy,imagine it like a parent approaching us or
someone like a caregiver that approachedus in a really caring, understanding way.
(23:15):
Like, sounds like you'rereally scared right now.
Do you wanna talk to meabout what's happening?
this is literally the energy we'rebringing to ourselves, right?
we become the calm, loving presencethat we might've been looking
for, and we begin to form newrelationships with those parts.
this is the re-parenting idea,We're re-parenting ourselves through
this idea that we have this selfenergy, and then all these parts
(23:39):
that we're looking at parts of us.
Okay.
And again, if you think of it in asciencey way, we are looking at the
different neural networks that werecreated from the experiences that we had.
So what happens is, and these are herwords every time, or not her words,
but sorry, these are her ideas.
Every time we engage with the inner criticwe're not just managing emotions, we are
working on healing those networks, right?
(24:00):
We're working on creating relationshipswith those protective parts and
slowly those exiles so that wecan reparent ourselves and begin
to really shift, our thinking.
I noticed the other day.
I am way less criticalthan what I used to be.
I'm very much more into myown than what I used to be.
I feel like I can, even when I amtriggered, which absolutely always
(24:22):
happens, and I always get stuck inparts, It's just about having the
strategy of what to do when that does.
for example, there was a situation thatcame up recently with the inner critic.
I recognized it slowly when I didthis work, when I sat back and I was
like, okay, I need to sit with myself.
I started to do that work andrecognized, how the inner critic for
me has been a part that has helpedme to try and maintain connection by
(24:44):
being really critical around my choicesand actions with other relationships.
And that is a skill that I've learned,a part of me that's really learned to
do that, to protect me from feelingthe loss of those connections.
Right.
end it here because I know this has beena big episode it is a confusing topic to
talk about, and I think that's the biggestchallenge with internal family systems.
(25:04):
It's, tricky tounderstand, and to sort of.
Unpack.
So we have our self energy, right?
the observer of the thoughts,that concept, that consciousness,
that self, that calming, presenceabout us that's always there.
And the thing about that is theself, it is kind of nameless,
it's kind of hard to explain.
It, is that energy within usthat we don't really know.
(25:27):
Exactly how to label the curious,compassionate energy, which is
self, that's what they call it.
And then we have our inner critic, whichis the part of us that's trying to protect
us from feeling those feelings and gettinginto that place of exile or inner child.
Right.
the reason I like.
The exile name rather than the innerchild is because we can have experiences
as we are older where we can feel likea, like a younger version of ourself
(25:51):
that really struggled and it might notbe like a child version because generally
when I think of the times that I'vecriticized myself the most, I think
of early teenage years, late twenties.
And so I'm still thinking ofthat part that feels that,
but it might not be a child.
And that's why I like the wordexile because its those parts
of us, we've tried to exile.
But I think using the word innerchild is a bit more out there and
known, so it gives more of an idea.
(26:14):
This type of strategy is a differentway to approach the inner critic
because we're not trying to silence it.
we're trying to get to know it.
We're trying to develop curiosity.
We're trying to listen.
And the biggest thing that I think ismost important about this work is we
are not trying to fix the inner critic.
We're trying to understand it.
We don't have to agree with it.
But we're trying to understand whereit was created, why it was created,
(26:38):
what it's protecting us from, right?
Because I think that the momentwe stop fighting that part of
ourselves, we start to connect to it.
And I think that, again, theseparts hold a lot of wisdom around
what we've been through, whatour brains are capable of, right?
What we are capable of as people,as we keep going and trying
to find ways to keep going.
Even if those ways are like what theywould call maladaptive, they don't.
(27:01):
Support us in thriving, right?
But they support us in survivingand that is their goal.
And so to get to that place wherewe wanna thrive, to get to that
place where we really want to.
Work with those parts.
Internal family systems is a greatway to do that And again, this sounds
really, it sounds like a lot, butit is a really great therapy and I
highly recommend that you look at.
(27:23):
No bad parts.
I think it's amazing that RichardSchwartz wrote a book for the
everyday person, not just a therapist.
Because I think the biggest challengethat I have with these amazing ideas is
that they're not always accessible, right?
not everyone can afford a therapist.
And I think that there areso many strategies and skills
and things that we can use
So this is just anotherway to do the work, right?
(27:44):
I just wanna leave you withsome final ideas on this.
the inner critic, we don't look at itas the enemy from an IFS perspective,
it's a part of us that learn toprotect us the best way that it could.
And when we do the IFS meditation,when we try to get to know it, it's
not about fighting it or fixing it,it's about getting curious, right?
We are looking at ourselves fromthe inside, and I think the most
(28:07):
important thing is you don't needto be fully in this self energy.
To start, you just needto have a moment of it.
a moment of curiosity, a momentof softness towards yourself.
a moment to really be open tohearing the answers to the questions
that the inner critic can give youwhen you work in that meditation.
The best part I love about thiswork, and especially Janina
(28:28):
Fisher, she says it really well.
She calls us fragmented.
When we go through all thesedifferent experiences, we
tend to fragment ourselves.
So there's a part of us that feelsreally angry, a part of us that really
criticizes, and we live in those parts.
she says that when we get into thatfront part of the brain, when we start
to slow down when we get into thatcurious part and are able to look
at those parts, it's integration.
(28:50):
we start to integrate those parts back.
We start to pull those different partsof ourselves back in and get to know
them and really start to work with them.
And I came across this, thisterm and it was not intentional.
I don't even know how I cameacross it, but soul integration.
And it just, Hmm.
it's reminded me of IFS because it'skind of like, we're getting into that
(29:11):
energy and we're bringing ourselvesback to whole because we are listening
to the different parts of ourselves.
We're listening to the amazingthings that our brain can do,
and we're working with it.
We're not trying to get rid of it.
We are trying to grow with it.
And that is a part that I love somuch about internal family systems.
to the person that.
Requested this.
I hope this has given you some answers.
(29:32):
I hope there has been somethingin this that you can take away.
I'm gonna share all the resourcesbelow, but I hope that something here
has clicked with you I know this is abit overwhelming There's a lot to IFS
and it's took me ages to get my headaround it, but I think as long as you
remember calm, curious, energy, innercritic is protecting you from an inner
child or a part of yourself, that wasexiled because it was too painful.
(29:54):
They're the main concepts, and itis about getting to know, using the
self energy to get to know the innercritic and really understand it, right?
Because when we do that, we areintegrating it back into ourselves.
We are working with it, we are valuing it,and we're not fighting ourselves anymore.
And that's something thatNathaniel Brandon said.
You know, one of the biggest thingsabout self-confidence and self-esteem
(30:16):
is that we are not in an adversarialrelationship with ourselves.
We're not fighting with ourselves anymore.
We're like, Hey, maybe this partof ourselves has something to
offer, how can we support it?
How can we get to knowit and use its energy?
and it's understanding to help us grow.
Right?
And that's what I love aboutInternal family systems.
It's like the ultimate form of.
(30:37):
Self-acceptance and a greattool for self-compassion.
So I hope that you havefound this episode helpful.
Thank you so much for being here,and I look forward to continuing
this journey with you on thisseason with really tricky topics But
thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you so much for listening, andI will catch you in the next episode.
Hi there.
My name is Julia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to thefirst episode of the season for
the Self-Development Collective.
I'm really as usual,so excited to be here.
Thank you for being here.
I'm excited for this season becauselast season was really about finding
direction, using that side of theyear and that fresh sort of vibe to.
(00:42):
Really figure out where we wanted to go.
Look at our values, reflect on thethings that were important to us,
and use those values to continuouslyredirect us in our daily life and habits.
Right now, let's talk about this season.
This season I want to talk aboutand reflect on the things that hold
(01:03):
us back from making those moves.
The things that we struggle with whenit comes to, living out those values.
finding, the courage to bewho we wanna be to really.
Dig deep on the difficult topics.
The tricky topics, the reason that I lovetalking about these things is because I
genuinely feel that when we get into thesetopics, this is where our biggest growth,
(01:26):
our biggest realizations and the biggestopportunity to get to know ourselves and
that inner wisdom that we have is there.
That's personally what I've experienced inmy own life, when I have really dug deep
and sat with myself and I fully recognize.
how scary that can be.
I remember talking to my therapist andsaying to her, I don't know what it
(01:46):
is, but I just can't sit with myself.
I find myself getting reallyanxious and overwhelmed.
And she was like, yeah, look, I justthink sitting by yourself really
triggers that part of you that feltalone in things, Even guided meditation.
I really struggled.
I just didn't feel comfortablesitting with myself.
And I'll do an episode on that as well.
And so that really made sensewhen she explained that.
(02:07):
But over time and over a couple ofyears, really honestly, a couple of
years, I have slowly worked with myselfenough to feel comfortable with myself.
And this is what this season is about.
It's about finding ways to sit withourselves, the different experiences
to recognize our relationships.
I really wanna get into reallynitty gritty topics that
(02:28):
can really support us in.
setting boundaries, recognizing,our wants and needs and having
the courage to speak those andbeing able to sit with ourselves.
So this is what this season is about,and the first episode that we're
getting into today is inner critic.
This is something that was requestedby one of, the listeners, one
of the email community members.
(02:48):
And I just wanted to sayfirstly to this person.
Thank you.
For this suggestion.
And secondly, thank you so much forbeing a part of the email community.
I really appreciate it.
And third, thank you foryour patience because I know
that it has taken me a while.
The one thing with my content is I reallylike to make sure that I'm getting content
out there that I think will help people,but I also like to make sure that it's
(03:09):
genuine, which means I feel like I'm ata place where I can talk about things.
Because the thing with this podcastis I don't just talk about topics
that I think will be popular.
I. Talk about topics that areactually happening for me as they're
happening, so I can really offerthat raw, honest, open, work.
And that's my biggest thing aboutthis podcast, to make sure that I
(03:29):
stay genuine in everything I do and tomake sure that connection is genuine.
And to do that, I like to choosetopics as I'm experiencing them,
as I'm learning about them.
And I think this is great timing forthis topic because even when we set
our values, even when we set our goals,even when we had this idea and we are
like, okay, I am ready to go, it can bereally hard to take those steps because
the inner critic can be quite strong.
(03:50):
at the beginning of the year Iwas like, okay, you know what?
I'm gonna.
Do a bit more work, andtry different things.
I was on insight timer and I waslistening to a, um, I think it was
a course about purpose they hitstraight into the inner critic.
from memory, this person Was suggestingthat we overcome the inner critic,
tell it that we don't need it.
(04:11):
There was something along those lines.
And to be honest with you, that'sbeen the experience that I found
really common in inner critic work.
there's a lot of discussion aroundignoring it, telling it to be quiet or
trying to Remove it with affirmations,and I have done that before.
And while I think affirmations haveits place, I do think its places
with the work that, you know, there'sa twofold aspect to affirmations.
(04:32):
There is a part of itthat rewire your brain.
But I do think that we need to get into,you know, the, the experiences and repair
and think about those parts of us thatwere created from those experiences
before we get to those affirmations.
So.
Let's stick with inner critic.
All right, here's a question.
What if the inner criticwasn't here as an enemy?
(04:54):
What if we didn't see it as somethingthat got in the way, but what if
we saw it instead as a part ofus that is trying to protect us?
Now, this is not my idea.
This is, as you know, as I alwaystalk about my favorite therapy.
Internal Family Systems.
I love this therapy.
I work with my therapist doingthis work and I am a big reader
on Internal Family Systems.
(05:14):
I read Richard Schwartz manualand I absolutely loved it.
So I'm gonna share someresources for you below.
it's definitely one of the besttherapies for me that I recognize,
and I do a lot of it through my work.
So when I think about the inner criticand I think about the areas that
I feel it holds us back the most.
one that comes to mind first was I wentto my therapist and I was talking to her.
(05:35):
this was, around the time she recommendedwhat I'm gonna recommend to you guys.
I said to her, I remember saying to her,sometimes I look at my daughter and,
I think she doesn't knowhow like shit I am yet.
Like she doesn't realize.
And that is a self-defeating statementand quite difficult to say to you right
now because it is a very raw statement,but it's a very true one, that I
felt at the time I felt like, even mydaughter will see that I'm not enough.
(05:58):
And that was really that inner criticsome other experiences I've had with my
inner critic is with this work, right?
Definitely with this work, Istruggled to send out emails.
I felt like I didn't know enough.
I wasn't qualified, Iwasn't good enough to speak.
I felt like I would always get stuckin this loop with my inner critic,
where I felt like I didn't know enough.
So then I would go and studyand not do this work, and end up
(06:18):
really angry and frustrated becauseI wasn't listening to myself.
Because every time I tried to, myinner critic would come in and tell me
that I shouldn't be doing something.
I would pull back.
I would doubt myself.
I would listen to my inner critic whenit told me to study more and speak
less, and that's exactly what I did.
So when I started doing this work andI was sitting there in my therapist's
(06:39):
office, I was about to go overseaswith my child and my husband, and I
remember looking at her and saying,I can't get these emails out.
I just can't get them out.
She recommended this book calledFreedom from the Inner Critic
by Bonnie Weiss and Jay Early.
Now, they also teach internal familysystems, which is IFS for short.
So I'll say that moving forward.
(06:59):
And this was a really great book.
I really highly recommend it.
The next episode I'm gonna talk aboutthe types of inner critics that they have
highlighted in their work, and I thinkthat's another great, area to go into,
So let's talk about the innercritic from an IFS perspective.
Okay.
Because I feel, again that many ofthe, many of the things that we see out
there, many of the discussions aroundthe inner critic tend to be either
(07:22):
ignoring it, telling it to be quiet,or trying to talk ourselves out of it.
Like, no, I am good enough, or No, I cando this, or, no, I should be speaking.
honestly, I have done this my whole life.
And I definitely feel like I'm.
Finally at a place where I can followthrough with things because I know
how to work with that inner critic.
I have done a lot ofwork around it with IFS.
so if we look at the inner critic from aninternal family systems perspective, they
(07:45):
say that the inner critic is a protector.
So what is it protecting us from?
the inner critic was born orbuilt in our minds from childhood.
To keep us from experiencere-experiencing pain or rejection.
one of the best questions I often thinkabout with the inner critic is when
you think of your inner critic, right?
When you think of that voice, isit your voice or someone else's?
(08:09):
And if it is someone else's voice.
Who does it sound like?
And the reason I ask this is becausegenerally in my experience, again,
what I've experienced, inner criticis usually a protective part that
is born from trying to offer thatcriticism we're used to getting.
It's kind of like we offer it to ourselvesbefore other people say it to protect us
(08:31):
from, the hurt and the rejection we'llfeel, The inner critic is born out of
wanting to protect that part of us thatfelt the hurt, the rejection, right?
a lot of us would callthat the inner child.
in internal family systems,they call it the exile, because
this part of us was exiled.
It was put into exile because theexperiences were too painful, the
(08:53):
beliefs, the memories that this partcarries are too hard to sit with, right?
So imagine, we're younger,we're getting criticized.
We feel that hurt, thatsense of loneliness.
that sense of just beingwrong, inherently wrong.
And the reason I say that isbecause I reflect on it myself and
understand, and again, this is nothave a go at our parents, or again,
(09:13):
I dunno your situation, I dunnoanyone's situation that's listening.
But I know, speaking from myperspective, usually when I think of
the people that were highly criticalin my life, it's usually because they
were that critical on themselves.
they usually had an experience withcaregivers themselves being that critical.
it just gets carried down the lineuntil, that's why they say cycle breaker
until someone decides to stop it.
And this is worth thatI've really focused on.
(09:35):
So again, I don't know.
The intentions, but I'm not here to talkabout parents and how they've created.
This is just to say that our mindsare wonderful, they are powerful.
They can do amazing things.
And the inner critic is actuallyone of our most protective parts,
I think, from my experience.
Because what it does is it jumps inand says, Hey, I'm going to protect you
(09:56):
and I'm gonna do it the way I know how.
Which is I'm gonna protect you from whatthese people say because if I say it
to you first, it might hurt you less.
Or if I say it to you, you might dodifferently, and then you might get
that love that you're looking for.
Or if I say it first, then.
You know, maybe your caregivers mightsee the part that you want them to see.
And this is why this issuch powerful work, right?
(10:16):
Because these are the partsthat are hard to sit with.
And I think that the inner criticis so fierce at protecting us from
that shame that can come with beinghighly criticized by a caregiver.
It's a really powerful part and that'swhat makes it so hard to silence.
And the reason that I thinksilencing it isn't the answer is
because for me, it hasn't worked.
It's only when I've worked with thisinner critic, learned to understand
(10:39):
it and to get to know the exile.
Have I really been able to, see itfrom a different perspective work with
it and accept that part of myself,but also shift it, help it to grow.
And this is what I love about IFS,A lot of people talk about, changing
the inner critic, getting rid of it.
But what happens if the innercritic is looking for growth?
What happens if instead of getting ridof that part, we can give that part a
(10:59):
different position to play in our lives.
And that is what if FS is about?
So what it usually does is it says, okay,we've got this inner critic and this
inner child, this exile that has takenon all these burdens of being criticized.
And now this inner critic will notlet you go there because it knows how.
Bad.
It feels to be that child again,
To sit with those things.
now I think the idea of internalfamily systems having these parts
(11:22):
can make us feel a little crazy.
So I wanna address that becauseeven my therapist was like,
this becomes a bit woo woo.
So I wanna sort of normalize itwhile we're talking about it.
we might have a part of usthat likes to criticize us.
Then we have a part of us thatlikes to get really angry.
And it's like when we say in thatconversation, a part of me wants to do
this, but a part of me wants to do that.
Someone who I've found really helpfulin this work is Janina Fisher.
(11:45):
she talks about thebiological perspective of IFS.
she says, you know how you hear that term,neurons that fire together, wire together.
basically what she says is those parts.
that.
Protector sort of partlives in a neural network.
In my mind, it's a patentpathway in my brain.
So over time, as I've continuously livedfrom that part, it becomes like a mental
(12:07):
trail that gets stronger and stronger.
imagine I'm about to do this work.
Now I know that when I was younger, ifI approached, my family with this work,
I probably would've felt criticized.
Whether that was your intention or not,I would've felt criticized because it
would've been like, you should do thisand you should do that, and you didn't do
this right, and you didn't do that right.
they would pick out the parts,wanting to probably make me
(12:28):
better, but not realizing that.
It was so much that then Ilearned to do that myself.
So what would happen is when I would goto try something that in a part of me
that felt criticized, the protector wouldcome in, which is that inner critic and
be like, no, you need to fix this, this,and this, and this and this, and this.
The inner critic wouldcome in, to protect, right?
Protecting me fromgetting into that pathway.
(12:50):
This pathway lights up thepathway in front of it and
goes, no fix this and this,
Like literally jumped in and toldme everything I should be doing
before someone else said it, right?
So then when the inner critic shows up,it's that brain pathway taking over.
And then what happens is we tend to seethings through its eyes, so it feels like
the whole truth rather than just one part.
(13:11):
So this is the thing that happenswhen we walk around with the inner
critic, when we really get stuck in it.
And I can again completely empathizehere because this is something that
I have struggled with so much in myown work, held me back four years.
writing an email.
Was so challenging getting an email outto the subscribers and like, you know,
I get some beautiful replies, but Ialso get some really tricky ones too.
(13:34):
I get people that are like, I don'tunderstand what you're saying.
Or I had someone once who waslike, please stop emailing me.
I think I had one or two people thatprobably had a go at me from memory.
And I think the work with theinner critic has really helped
me to take on those emails.
I remember once, after I'd donea lot of this work, I emailed
someone and was like, all good.
(13:54):
Sounds like I'm not for you.
I'll take you off the list.
it was just a thing of fair enough.
This sounds like I'm not your person.
And so I think when we do that innercritic work, when we start to give
it a different part, when we start toreally repair those neural pathways,
and recreate new ones, that's whenwe can respond differently, right?
So If I'm talking aboutthis inner critic, right?
(14:15):
And I'm saying that I'm working withmy inner critic, who is the person
working with the inner critic?
It's me, right?
So this is the tricky part aboutIFS and the part that I wanna
explain really carefully becauseI think it's so important now,
No Bad Parts is a reallygreat book by Richard Swartz.
He's a creator of Internal FamilySystems, but basically his idea
is that we have a core self, okay?
(14:36):
So we have a part of us that wouldbe like the observer of the thoughts
how people talk about consciousnessand, getting into that sort of space.
So he defines this selfbeneath all our parts, right?
Beneath everything.
There is what he calls the selfand he explains that as a core
undamaged, essential naturethat exists within every person.
(14:57):
it's not something that we create.
It's already there.
And he gives an idea, like whenyou're in self, you, feel calm
curious compassionate or confident.
the way I like to explainit is like a calm curiosity.
That's the way that I feel it the most.
So basically we have the self, right?
this is our energy.
This is who we are at our core.
okay, so the way IFS works isthat when we get into self, this.
(15:21):
Calm, curious place, then wecan approach the inner critic
and all these parts, right?
So you know when you're doing ameditation and you are picturing the
parts of you and maybe you pictureyour inner child, That's the idea here.
So with IFS, there are likeinner childs, which are exile
exiles, but there are also these.
Parts that are called protectors,which protect those inner child.
(15:43):
Those inner child, right, thatprotect us from getting to them.
And the reason I love this is because,again, Janine Fisher's work is
amazing 'cause she really highlights,this is our brain at its best.
And this is the part thatcompletely flips you, right?
Because how can you think that somethingthat tells you you're not good enough,
could ever be the best part of your brain?
this is the thing I feellike I have learned.
(16:05):
The brain's job is toprotect to keep us surviving.
So it creates ways to helpus survive, not thrive.
That's my experience from it.
So when I am triggered and something comesup and I respond in a certain way, yes.
our brain's job is to findways to keep us going.
And that's what Janine Fishertalks about in her book.
And that's why I love Janina Fisher'swork because it's a real emphasis on
(16:27):
the amazing ability of our brain tokeep us going and how great it is at
coming up with different parts that canprotect us from tricky feelings that
we don't know how to handle, right?
That we need to go in andreparent and rework and work with.
So.
IFS.
Let's do a quick recap froman inner critic perspective.
(16:47):
we have the inner critic, whichis a protective part of us.
Then we have the criticized part of us,the part that really feels that criticism,
right, that that inner critic gives.
We've got that inner child somewhere
Just feels, those feels of what it feelslike to feel inherently wrong as a person
because criticism, when it's dishedout enough, can definitely make us feel
like there is something wrong with us.
(17:09):
So there's those, and then wehave this core nature, the self,
It's not a part, it's an essentialnature and the way I think of it, right?
If we existed as a person in a bubble.
In our bubble, we'd have our selfenergy, and then within that bubble we
have our parts, So if we're stuck ina part, we are seeing everything else
(17:29):
from that part, from that perspective.
But if we jump out of that partand go back To our self energy,
then we can start to see anddialogue and understand those parts.
So that's a really quick wayof me trying to explain it.
And I know how tricky this topic is,but it's really important because
this is the only way that I havemanaged to make the inner critic work.
(17:50):
So with IFS.
Question, what if the answerisn't to push away the critic,
but actually to get to know it?
I know that sounds like, a couple yearsago, I would not have been ready for that.
the reason I think self energyis so important, that curiosity
is so important is because.
It's like when you're trying to understandsomeone's perspective, you're not
like, oh yeah, what do you have to say?
(18:11):
that's not being curious.
It's okay.
I want to understand you more.
that's the kind of energy thatwe wanna approach the part with.
That's the kind of energy that we wannaapproach our inner critic with, right?
when we are trying to getrid of it, that's just a part
that wants to get rid of it.
When we are trying to ignore it, that's apart that just wants to ignore it, Because
then what happens is it's kind of like.
Inside out.
We have all these different partsof us that just the movie inside
(18:35):
Out that just want to do theirbest with their own strategies.
And the reality of it is thosestrategies are from wanting to protect
us, not from wanting us to thrive andfiguring out how to overcome really
tricky parts of us is about recognizingand getting into that self energy.
Right?
How do we do this?
So really the suggestion I wouldgive on something, I'm gonna try.
(18:55):
So work with me here because I have notwritten a meditation before, but I do
a lot of my own, using a lot of IFS.
So I'm gonna try and write one and shareit with you and see how you go with that.
Let me know.
But I am gonna do that.
I'm gonna try it because howdo we talk to the inner critic?
the way to work with the inner criticin IFS is they do a meditation and
they ask a couple of questions thathelp you get into that self energy.
(19:17):
So just imagine that self energyis like curious energy, right?
Curious energy to help you get morecurious and understand this part from a.
Perspective of like self-compassionand self-acceptance, right?
So one of the first questions theyask is you have to ask yourself, how
do I feel towards this inner critic?
And usually what that does is ithighlights maybe if we're stuck in any
of those like neural pathways, we'restuck in any of those other parts And
(19:40):
what this does is it draws us out ofthat and into that self energy again.
So it's kind of like seeing all thoseseparate parts and stepping back a bit.
So this is just sort of a check in.
And then we ask ourinner critic questions.
So some of the questions that we wouldask is, what are you afraid would
happen if you stopped protecting me?
What age do you think I am now?
(20:02):
And what do you want me to know or see?
the thing I love about this, is it's notabout convincing us of our self-worth.
It's not about trying to get rid of it.
It's trying to understand, the purpose ofthe inner critic understanding why it came
in and what it was protecting us from.
Right now the biggest thingI wanna talk about is.
(20:24):
With IFS and something I completelyagree with, to be honest.
Like as we were talking about, wehave that inner critic and then we
have that sort of inner child that theinner critic is protecting us from.
Now, usually with IFS work and somethingI've realized myself, we don't go straight
to working with the inner child becauseI don't know about you, but I found like
if I tried previously to go straightto that part that felt really lonely.
(20:45):
It wouldn't work because the protectiveparts come in and go, no, no, no.
We are not getting in there.
Because that floods us.
That freaks us out.
That scares us.
We won't survive that.
And so the protective parts come back in.
They do their job right?
So this is why I love IFS.
It's not about getting straight intothe tricky, it's about getting into
those defensive parts, those partsthat are really hard to work with.
(21:07):
The parts that, you know, thereis a part of us that wants
to get rid of them, right?
The inner critic, the really anxiouspart, maybe the really angry part.
I know I've had to work with that.
So imagine those parts, those partsthat, ugh, we just don't know how to.
hurdle them.
This is what this work does.
It focuses on that first beforewe get into the inner child work,
(21:28):
which again, they call exiles.
I wanna just talk because the ideaof this was about how to dialogue
and work with the inner critic only.
So it's not about working with the innerchild or that part that felt criticized.
It's about.
Getting to that inner critic, thatpart that really hammers us, that
part that we feel holds us back.
for example, the inner critic wouldhammer me and eventually I would feel
(21:50):
like that inner child, I would hammermyself enough that I'd go back into
that pathway of feeling not good enough,feeling like I couldn't do things,
and I would get stuck in that loop.
So I try to do something, hammer myself.
My inner critic would flare up.
Keep going until eventually I gave up andthen I would go into that inner child.
I'm not good enough.
I can't do this.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Right.
(22:10):
So Janina Fisher is great because alot of people find this work confusing,
and she brings the science behind it,which I think is really important.
So she talks about thebrain science behind this.
So when we bring curiosity andcompassion to the inner critic, we
begin rewiring the brain, right?
Shifting from survival to connection.
And this is what this is all about.
(22:31):
It's about working with those parts thatwork really hard to keep us surviving.
Protective parts, and then we go intoconnection by working and re-parenting
those inner child or those exiles.
So that's really howthis works and I love it.
It's my favorite all time favorite.
So protectors, like the inner critic,usually come from attachment wounds.
their strategies, we learn to getlove, avoid shame, or stay safe.
(22:53):
So this is her work, right?
And she says the exile behind.
Protector.
So behind the critic in this case isusually holding the unmet need for
care, for acceptance, for safety, right?
So when we get into that curious energy,imagine it like a parent approaching us or
someone like a caregiver that approachedus in a really caring, understanding way.
(23:15):
Like, sounds like you'rereally scared right now.
Do you wanna talk to meabout what's happening?
this is literally the energy we'rebringing to ourselves, right?
we become the calm, loving presencethat we might've been looking
for, and we begin to form newrelationships with those parts.
this is the re-parenting idea,We're re-parenting ourselves through
this idea that we have this selfenergy, and then all these parts
(23:39):
that we're looking at parts of us.
Okay.
And again, if you think of it in asciencey way, we are looking at the
different neural networks that werecreated from the experiences that we had.
So what happens is, and these are herwords every time, or not her words,
but sorry, these are her ideas.
Every time we engage with the inner criticwe're not just managing emotions, we are
working on healing those networks, right?
(24:00):
We're working on creating relationshipswith those protective parts and
slowly those exiles so that wecan reparent ourselves and begin
to really shift, our thinking.
I noticed the other day.
I am way less criticalthan what I used to be.
I'm very much more into myown than what I used to be.
I feel like I can, even when I amtriggered, which absolutely always
(24:22):
happens, and I always get stuck inparts, It's just about having the
strategy of what to do when that does.
for example, there was a situation thatcame up recently with the inner critic.
I recognized it slowly when I didthis work, when I sat back and I was
like, okay, I need to sit with myself.
I started to do that work andrecognized, how the inner critic for
me has been a part that has helpedme to try and maintain connection by
(24:44):
being really critical around my choicesand actions with other relationships.
And that is a skill that I've learned,a part of me that's really learned to
do that, to protect me from feelingthe loss of those connections.
Right.
end it here because I know this has beena big episode it is a confusing topic to
talk about, and I think that's the biggestchallenge with internal family systems.
(25:04):
It's, tricky tounderstand, and to sort of.
Unpack.
So we have our self energy, right?
the observer of the thoughts,that concept, that consciousness,
that self, that calming, presenceabout us that's always there.
And the thing about that is theself, it is kind of nameless,
it's kind of hard to explain.
It, is that energy within usthat we don't really know.
(25:27):
Exactly how to label the curious,compassionate energy, which is
self, that's what they call it.
And then we have our inner critic, whichis the part of us that's trying to protect
us from feeling those feelings and gettinginto that place of exile or inner child.
Right.
the reason I like.
The exile name rather than the innerchild is because we can have experiences
as we are older where we can feel likea, like a younger version of ourself
(25:51):
that really struggled and it might notbe like a child version because generally
when I think of the times that I'vecriticized myself the most, I think
of early teenage years, late twenties.
And so I'm still thinking ofthat part that feels that,
but it might not be a child.
And that's why I like the wordexile because its those parts
of us, we've tried to exile.
But I think using the word innerchild is a bit more out there and
known, so it gives more of an idea.
(26:14):
This type of strategy is a differentway to approach the inner critic
because we're not trying to silence it.
we're trying to get to know it.
We're trying to develop curiosity.
We're trying to listen.
And the biggest thing that I think ismost important about this work is we
are not trying to fix the inner critic.
We're trying to understand it.
We don't have to agree with it.
But we're trying to understand whereit was created, why it was created,
(26:38):
what it's protecting us from, right?
Because I think that the momentwe stop fighting that part of
ourselves, we start to connect to it.
And I think that, again, theseparts hold a lot of wisdom around
what we've been through, whatour brains are capable of, right?
What we are capable of as people,as we keep going and trying
to find ways to keep going.
Even if those ways are like what theywould call maladaptive, they don't.
(27:01):
Support us in thriving, right?
But they support us in survivingand that is their goal.
And so to get to that place wherewe wanna thrive, to get to that
place where we really want to.
Work with those parts.
Internal family systems is a greatway to do that And again, this sounds
really, it sounds like a lot, butit is a really great therapy and I
highly recommend that you look at.
(27:23):
No bad parts.
I think it's amazing that RichardSchwartz wrote a book for the
everyday person, not just a therapist.
Because I think the biggest challengethat I have with these amazing ideas is
that they're not always accessible, right?
not everyone can afford a therapist.
And I think that there areso many strategies and skills
and things that we can use
So this is just anotherway to do the work, right?
(27:44):
I just wanna leave you withsome final ideas on this.
the inner critic, we don't look at itas the enemy from an IFS perspective,
it's a part of us that learn toprotect us the best way that it could.
And when we do the IFS meditation,when we try to get to know it, it's
not about fighting it or fixing it,it's about getting curious, right?
We are looking at ourselves fromthe inside, and I think the most
(28:07):
important thing is you don't needto be fully in this self energy.
To start, you just needto have a moment of it.
a moment of curiosity, a momentof softness towards yourself.
a moment to really be open tohearing the answers to the questions
that the inner critic can give youwhen you work in that meditation.
The best part I love about thiswork, and especially Janina
(28:28):
Fisher, she says it really well.
She calls us fragmented.
When we go through all thesedifferent experiences, we
tend to fragment ourselves.
So there's a part of us that feelsreally angry, a part of us that really
criticizes, and we live in those parts.
she says that when we get into thatfront part of the brain, when we start
to slow down when we get into thatcurious part and are able to look
at those parts, it's integration.
(28:50):
we start to integrate those parts back.
We start to pull those different partsof ourselves back in and get to know
them and really start to work with them.
And I came across this, thisterm and it was not intentional.
I don't even know how I cameacross it, but soul integration.
And it just, Hmm.
it's reminded me of IFS because it'skind of like, we're getting into that
(29:11):
energy and we're bringing ourselvesback to whole because we are listening
to the different parts of ourselves.
We're listening to the amazingthings that our brain can do,
and we're working with it.
We're not trying to get rid of it.
We are trying to grow with it.
And that is a part that I love somuch about internal family systems.
to the person that.
Requested this.
I hope this has given you some answers.
(29:32):
I hope there has been somethingin this that you can take away.
I'm gonna share all the resourcesbelow, but I hope that something here
has clicked with you I know this is abit overwhelming There's a lot to IFS
and it's took me ages to get my headaround it, but I think as long as you
remember calm, curious, energy, innercritic is protecting you from an inner
child or a part of yourself, that wasexiled because it was too painful.
(29:54):
They're the main concepts, and itis about getting to know, using the
self energy to get to know the innercritic and really understand it, right?
Because when we do that, we areintegrating it back into ourselves.
We are working with it, we are valuing it,and we're not fighting ourselves anymore.
And that's something thatNathaniel Brandon said.
You know, one of the biggest thingsabout self-confidence and self-esteem
(30:16):
is that we are not in an adversarialrelationship with ourselves.
We're not fighting with ourselves anymore.
We're like, Hey, maybe this partof ourselves has something to
offer, how can we support it?
How can we get to knowit and use its energy?
and it's understanding to help us grow.
Right?
And that's what I love aboutInternal family systems.
It's like the ultimate form of.
(30:37):
Self-acceptance and a greattool for self-compassion.
So I hope that you havefound this episode helpful.
Thank you so much for being here,and I look forward to continuing
this journey with you on thisseason with really tricky topics But
thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you so much for listening, andI will catch you in the next episode.
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