June 16, 2025 • 15 mins
Making Decisions In Life (How Invisible Family Rules Shape Our Life Decisions)
Have you ever found yourself stuck, unsure why you're making the decisions you're making — or why it feels so hard to make any at all?
In this episode, I’m sharing a personal story about one of those moments. A time when I was deep in the decision-making process and realised I was pushing myself down a path that didn’t actually feel like mine. Through conversations in therapy and reflecting on my experience, I started to uncover something deeper — the invisible rules and generational expectations that had quietly shaped how I made decisions my whole life.
We talk about:
-
The invisible family rules that shape our decision making
-
How legacy burdens can show up in our personal growth journey
-
The emotional toll of trying to live up to inherited expectations
-
How to begin making decisions that reflect who you are now — not who others expected you to be
This episode is for anyone who’s ever asked themselves, “Why does this feel so hard?” or “Is this really my choice?”
It’s not just about how to make decisions — it’s about how to make them with clarity, compassion, and connection to yourself. Whether you're exploring personal development, mental health, or just learning how to stop overthinking every life choice — this one's for you.
As always, take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and be kind to yourself in the process.
Timestamps: 00:00 – Intro & personal story 03:00 – The emotional cycle of decision fatigue 10:45 – What are invisible family rules? 14:30 – Legacy burdens & how they show up 20:00 – Making choices that reflect your life now 29:00 – Final thoughts and gentle reminders
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode today we'regonna be talking about the invisible
rules that shape our choices.
Now, again, as you know, I always cometo you with these ideas because this is
something that I've experienced myself.
And so basically this is kind of the.
(00:42):
The type of thing where we feellike we're stuck in the same cycle.
Um, making the same choices, findingourselves really resentful about the
choices that we are making, findingourselves really angry as well.
Yeah.
So I wanna get into this because there'ssome really cool concepts that I found
from psychotherapy as well that Iwanna share with you that I've learned.
So I do wanna acknowledge before weget into it, I am not suggesting that
(01:05):
people should not be struggling throughthings or that they are choosing to
struggle through things just becauseI'm only talking about my experience.
I know that there is a lot happeningout there and there is so much
struggle out there, and I knowthat for many, many, many, many
people they don't get to choose.
So I just wanted to really emphasizethat before we started this episode.
There's just so many things thatcan impact our decision making.
(01:28):
So I wanted to keep that in mind forthis episode because I'm talking about my
experience and I'm talking about what'shappened for me in the hopes that you
will find something in there that worksfor you with what's happening in your
life, but that doesn't mean that it hasto, and in no way, shape, or form, again,
am I saying that struggle is a choice?
I'm not saying that other peopleshould be doing what I am doing.
'cause I understand thatthere are some there are many
(01:49):
people out there struggling.
There are single parents, caregivers.
There's so much happening there.
That in no way, shape, or form am Isuggesting that what I'm going through
and what I'm speaking about is goingto be directly relatable to you.
And that's something that I wannatalk about too in this podcast.
You know, take whatresonates, leave what doesn't.
The best person whoknows your circumstances.
Is you.
(02:10):
So I just wanted to reinforce that becauseI know that this can be a bit of a tricky
topic, talking about, you know, invisiblerules in our choices when the reality
is there are so many things that factorinto the choices that we can make, and
it's not as straightforward as this.
So let's get into it.
So again, this is about making choicesthat you feel like haven't fit your
life and maybe choices that you don'treally understand why you're making
(02:32):
them or understanding why you arestruggling or feeling so frustrated.
So basically how this happened for mewas when I was getting back into uni.
At the start of this year.
I found myself getting really angry againand feeling really stuck in that cycle.
And this was also like last year and thisyear as I was trying to make choices, I
(02:53):
was in social work, I was studying it.
I didn't enjoy it.
And I remember being really angrywhen I started the second semester.
I was really overwhelmed.
I was pregnant.
I was just struggling.
And I at one point hadlike an absolute meltdown.
I got really resentful, really angry.
I was yelling at my husband andhe was like, what is going on?
And basically I was like, Ican't keep doing this this way.
(03:16):
So I kind of got to this end of the cycleand I was like, why am I doing this?
And then I went to my therapist and Iwas like having a conversation with her
and I said to her, you know, my, bothmy mom and my grandmother went to uni.
So my mom went to uniwhile she had a baby.
Um, she was also pregnant, soshe had my brother as a surprise.
(03:38):
And then my grandmother was a mature agestudent when her three daughters went
to school, one of them being my mom.
They had had reallydifficult life circumstances.
My grandmother came from nothing.
Moved here from, moved here from Italy.
Uh, my mom Had two childrenreally early was really
struggling trying to finish uni.
Living off my dad's wage.
He was an apprentice at the time, and sothere was a lot happening for both of them
(04:00):
in their worlds So what happened was Iwent to my therapist and I had to make the
choice of whether I was going to go backto uni while my son was still, I think
it was, I wanna say about six months.
And do the three monthblock of work experience.
And I remember saying to mytherapist, I know exactly what my
mom and my grandmother would do.
They would push throughit, they would just do it.
(04:21):
And they did that.
Like that's what they did.
And that's what they havedone throughout their lives.
So that was a choice thatthey made for the place that
they were at in their lives.
And I completely understand andrespect that I think the challenge
was that I remember saying to mytherapist, I am just struggling.
Like I'm constantly struggling,constantly pushing myself.
To live this certain way.
And I don't know why.
(04:42):
So I think the challenge was thatI was listening to or thinking
about their experience when I wasmaking my choices, but that wasn't
reflective of where I was in my life.
And obviously I remember saying to my, mytherapist, I am extremely grateful for the
fact that studying on my end was a choice.
It wasn't something that I had todo, whereas my mom had to finish,
she needed work she needed.
To support us they had kids again a lotearlier, whereas I had kids a lot later.
(05:06):
Like, there's so much thatmade my life different.
And obviously being here again, beingsecond generation, being grateful for the
sacrifices they made and being gratefulfor the opportunities that we have here.
Again, I'm just in such a different place.
I was really strugglingand I was really resentful.
I was really angry.
Um, I remember going to mytherapist and saying to her like.
(05:27):
I'm just exhausted.
I am pushing myself tothe brink of a breakdown.
This, I just couldn't keep up withmy own life and I didn't understand
why I was making the choices I wasmaking and why, for me in my life I was
choosing to make things harder I justreally felt like I was choosing this
path and I couldn't understand why.
(05:48):
And I was talking to her and I waslike, you know, I think it's because I
have seen the women before me struggleand they have struggled because
of the circumstances they're in.
Again, I'm never saying thatsomeone is choosing struggle.
Um.
My grandmother came here from Italy.
They had nothing.
My mom had two kids really youngand my dad was on an apprentice
(06:10):
wage and so they struggled.
My mom was working and she wasstudying part-time with a baby,
and she had a really tough life.
She had to make some really difficultchoices, and I think sometimes.
When we see the things that thegenerations before us have gone
through, we kind of take that aswhat's called an invisible loyalty.
(06:32):
So I wanna define this.
So I came across thisconcept two different ideas.
So the first one's calledInvisible Loyalty, and that's
from Contextual Therapy by Ivan.
I can't say his name properly, Iapologize, I can't say his surname.
But it's called contextual therapy,and he says that invisible loyalties
refer to unconscious multi-generationalcommitments and expectations that
(06:54):
family members have towards eachother and their family system.
These loyalties often pass down throughgenerations can influence behavior,
relationships, and even mentalhealth sometimes in detrimental ways.
Right?
So there's that.
And then I learned about this otherconcept from Internal Family system.
So you know me, that's my favoritetherapy and it's called Legacy Burdens.
(07:18):
And they are inherited beliefs.
So those beliefs are inheritedfrom the generations before us
and the experiences they've had.
And we take them on like theyare ours, even if they don't
reflect where we are in our lives.
So something that like,I remember going to.
My therapist and saying, you know, it'sreally interesting because at some point
I don't know where I recognized thatI was struggling exactly in the same
(07:42):
way that my mom and my grandmother did.
So making that choice to continueand really stress myself out.
And not even that.
It wasn't even that.
I think it was also the fact thatI wasn't doing what I wanted.
It wasn't even that, I wasn't evenfollowing through with the things
that, that I enjoyed because I waslistening to other people and I was
really focusing on what I thoughtI needed to do based on what my
(08:06):
grandparents and, you know, my parentshad expected of me to a, to a degree.
Like I know my grandparents sacrificed anenormous amount, both sides of my both.
Both, um, paternal and maternalgrandparents sacrificed an enormous
amount for us to come here so we couldhave these opportunities in Australia.
And I felt like if I wasn't followingthrough with uni and doing exactly what
(08:26):
I thought represented what they wantedfor us, then I was failing and carrying
that and pushing through that became.
Exactly what Ivan said in hisconcept took a huge toll on my mental
health because I wasn't, I am notwhere they were in their lives.
Obviously the idea too, for them movinghere was so that we wouldn't be, and we
(08:47):
haven't been, their successes are verymuch obvious through my entire family.
We're all in different positionsthan the previous generation before
us, but the challenge is when thosetradition, when those beliefs.
Carry through and they no longer matchthe circumstances we are in, but we
keep trying to make choices from thatplace, from that value, from that legacy.
(09:07):
And that's the experience that Ihad where I realized that my choices
were really much based on what Ithought they would do if they were me.
But the challenge was that they weren'tin the circumstances that I was in, and
I'm not in the circumstances they're in.
And so my question to you today, andsomething that I wanna really talk
(09:28):
about is, do you think that you have anyinvisible rules, any invisible loyalties?
So it might be an idea, itmight be something that, like
a motto that you've taken.
And I think that inner critickicks in because we wanna
stay connected to our family.
We wanna honor thesacrifices that they've made.
We want to move forwardwith acknowledgement.
And I think that doing that sometimescan become a bit confusing because
(09:52):
we think we need to make thechoices that they would make and.
Sometimes can keep us stuck incycles that don't feel right for us.
That ends up leading us intodifficult places mentally as well.
So that's what I wantedto talk to you about.
So, do you have any core beliefs, coreideas that come from your family that
(10:13):
you feel impacts your choices now?
And do you feel like any ofthose have contributed maybe to.
Turning away from yourself.
I think that's the biggest thingthat I wanna really point out here.
It's really about making choiceswhere we turn towards ourselves,
towards the things that we wanna do,towards the person that we wanna be.
(10:34):
And again, it's not a thing, notnecessarily a thing of financial either.
It could be a mindset.
sometimes we just carry.
A way of thinking toconnect with our family.
But when we know that way of thinking isnot sitting with us anymore or there's
something that we're carrying with usthat doesn't feel like it's for us, but
we feel at the same time we should becarrying it because it was passed to us.
(10:56):
And I think that's the exactthing of invisible loyalties.
And legacy burdens.
We are carrying things that are notnecessarily from our experience, but
we are using it, using it as if it was.
So what do you think isgoing on there for you?
If that's something that youfeel is impacting your choices?
And I think the biggest thing here isif you are here and you're listening
(11:16):
to this episode, it's about choices.
It's about the choices that you aremaking and that I'm making, that
we're all making for ourselves.
The thinking and the processingthat goes into those choices.
And this is such a big part of itbecause we can hold these ideas of
what we should be doing, the rules thatwe have, the legacies that we wanna
carry forward again, even if they don'talign with where we are in our lives.
(11:39):
So something that, um, that cameup in my notes was, choosing from
where I am and not where I came from.
And that's something thatI have been learning.
So I made the decision to.
Not continue social work.
I even made the decision not to go backto uni because it was too much with kids.
I personally, and you know what?
I know that I am in a position to be ableto make that choice, and not everyone is.
(12:00):
So I do wanna acknowledge that,and I'm not saying that that is
a choice that everybody can make.
Again, I'm only referring to myown experience here, but I decided
not to because I wasn't beingthe person or the parent that I.
Could be while I was trying tostudy, I couldn't balance it.
I couldn't do it, so I said no to it.
And I think that that's somethingthat went against the grain for me
(12:21):
in my thinking that I was used toseeing, because I had seen my family
push through so much and I justfelt like I shouldn't be doing this.
but I think it's such an important thing.
To become aware of, because I thinkthat's part of what helps us to step
out of those cycles, to make differentchoices, to make things that turn us
towards ourselves, to make us feel,and I know that's like an odd idea, but
(12:43):
it's about turning back to ourselves, toreally aligning with ourselves and being
clearer on what we want in our lives andmaking choices from, again, where we are
and not necessarily where we came from.
I think where we came from werehis factors, but I think it's,
yeah, again, this is your journeyand it's about figuring out.
Where that is for you.
Like I said, I knew that I was makingchoices that I didn't have to make,
(13:05):
that I was choosing anyways, and Ireally had to understand the process
behind that and what I was doing.
And I think that the legacy burdens,the invisible loyalties were
really playing a, a part in that.
So I wanted to bring this to you.
What?
Invisible rules, and that'swhat I like to call it.
What invisible rules do you thinkyou're living by that are impacting
your choices, that are impacting theway that you live and perhaps not
(13:27):
getting you to where you wanna be ornot getting you to who you wanna be.
So I hope this episode helped you.
It was a really short, sweet one, butit was one that I wanted to really.
Talk about, because I love thisidea of like invisible rules.
It's usually the unconscious thingsthat we don't talk about that we really
have to sit with and think about.
(13:48):
And I remember thinking tomyself, why am I doing this?
And I couldn't even understand.
So here's some, some suggestions,something that we can ask ourselves.
We would ask, and I sometimes I thinkthis is, again, it's such an unconscious
process, we immediately have this ideaof what our family would do, what they
would want us to do, what they did, right?
But instead of asking that, canwe take a minute and ask if this
(14:08):
rule still works for us, and are wecarrying it because it works for us?
Or are we carrying it becauseit's a tradition or a legacy
that we feel we need to carry?
And do we wanna keep following it ormaking these choices based on these rules?
Or is it time to choosesomething different?
So I hope this episodewas helpful for you.
So think about it.
You know, leave a comment.
If you're in the emailcommunity, reply back.
(14:30):
Let me know what you're thinking.
I would love to know about anyinvisible rules that you think
about as you're doing this.
So if you feel like you are resentfulin a certain area of your life, you're
stuck in a cycle, you're getting reallyangry at certain choices that you're
making, and it can be as simple as like.
Always saying yes instead of no.
What invisible rule, what legacyburden, what thing are we carrying?
(14:50):
What rule are we carrying that makesus feel like we always have to say yes?
So this is just an idea andI hope that, again, take what
resonates, leave what doesn't.
But thank you so much for being here,and I will catch you in the next episode.
Hi there.
My name is Giulia, and welcome tothe Self-Development Collective.
Here we explore personal developmentin a way that honors all parts of
ourselves, including the tricky parts.
I share genuine stories andreflections mixed with ideas from
psychotherapy and self-developmentto help us figure out how to live
more authentically and build deeperconnections with ourselves and others.
(00:21):
I am so excited to have you here.
Hey guys, and welcome to this episodeof The Self-Development Collective.
So in this episode today we'regonna be talking about the invisible
rules that shape our choices.
Now, again, as you know, I always cometo you with these ideas because this is
something that I've experienced myself.
And so basically this is kind of the.
(00:42):
The type of thing where we feellike we're stuck in the same cycle.
Um, making the same choices, findingourselves really resentful about the
choices that we are making, findingourselves really angry as well.
Yeah.
So I wanna get into this because there'ssome really cool concepts that I found
from psychotherapy as well that Iwanna share with you that I've learned.
So I do wanna acknowledge before weget into it, I am not suggesting that
(01:05):
people should not be struggling throughthings or that they are choosing to
struggle through things just becauseI'm only talking about my experience.
I know that there is a lot happeningout there and there is so much
struggle out there, and I knowthat for many, many, many, many
people they don't get to choose.
So I just wanted to really emphasizethat before we started this episode.
There's just so many things thatcan impact our decision making.
(01:28):
So I wanted to keep that in mind forthis episode because I'm talking about my
experience and I'm talking about what'shappened for me in the hopes that you
will find something in there that worksfor you with what's happening in your
life, but that doesn't mean that it hasto, and in no way, shape, or form, again,
am I saying that struggle is a choice?
I'm not saying that other peopleshould be doing what I am doing.
'cause I understand thatthere are some there are many
(01:49):
people out there struggling.
There are single parents, caregivers.
There's so much happening there.
That in no way, shape, or form am Isuggesting that what I'm going through
and what I'm speaking about is goingto be directly relatable to you.
And that's something that I wannatalk about too in this podcast.
You know, take whatresonates, leave what doesn't.
The best person whoknows your circumstances.
Is you.
(02:10):
So I just wanted to reinforce that becauseI know that this can be a bit of a tricky
topic, talking about, you know, invisiblerules in our choices when the reality
is there are so many things that factorinto the choices that we can make, and
it's not as straightforward as this.
So let's get into it.
So again, this is about making choicesthat you feel like haven't fit your
life and maybe choices that you don'treally understand why you're making
(02:32):
them or understanding why you arestruggling or feeling so frustrated.
So basically how this happened for mewas when I was getting back into uni.
At the start of this year.
I found myself getting really angry againand feeling really stuck in that cycle.
And this was also like last year and thisyear as I was trying to make choices, I
(02:53):
was in social work, I was studying it.
I didn't enjoy it.
And I remember being really angrywhen I started the second semester.
I was really overwhelmed.
I was pregnant.
I was just struggling.
And I at one point hadlike an absolute meltdown.
I got really resentful, really angry.
I was yelling at my husband andhe was like, what is going on?
And basically I was like, Ican't keep doing this this way.
(03:16):
So I kind of got to this end of the cycleand I was like, why am I doing this?
And then I went to my therapist and Iwas like having a conversation with her
and I said to her, you know, my, bothmy mom and my grandmother went to uni.
So my mom went to uniwhile she had a baby.
Um, she was also pregnant, soshe had my brother as a surprise.
(03:38):
And then my grandmother was a mature agestudent when her three daughters went
to school, one of them being my mom.
They had had reallydifficult life circumstances.
My grandmother came from nothing.
Moved here from, moved here from Italy.
Uh, my mom Had two childrenreally early was really
struggling trying to finish uni.
Living off my dad's wage.
He was an apprentice at the time, and sothere was a lot happening for both of them
(04:00):
in their worlds So what happened was Iwent to my therapist and I had to make the
choice of whether I was going to go backto uni while my son was still, I think
it was, I wanna say about six months.
And do the three monthblock of work experience.
And I remember saying to mytherapist, I know exactly what my
mom and my grandmother would do.
They would push throughit, they would just do it.
(04:21):
And they did that.
Like that's what they did.
And that's what they havedone throughout their lives.
So that was a choice thatthey made for the place that
they were at in their lives.
And I completely understand andrespect that I think the challenge
was that I remember saying to mytherapist, I am just struggling.
Like I'm constantly struggling,constantly pushing myself.
To live this certain way.
And I don't know why.
(04:42):
So I think the challenge was thatI was listening to or thinking
about their experience when I wasmaking my choices, but that wasn't
reflective of where I was in my life.
And obviously I remember saying to my, mytherapist, I am extremely grateful for the
fact that studying on my end was a choice.
It wasn't something that I had todo, whereas my mom had to finish,
she needed work she needed.
To support us they had kids again a lotearlier, whereas I had kids a lot later.
(05:06):
Like, there's so much thatmade my life different.
And obviously being here again, beingsecond generation, being grateful for the
sacrifices they made and being gratefulfor the opportunities that we have here.
Again, I'm just in such a different place.
I was really strugglingand I was really resentful.
I was really angry.
Um, I remember going to mytherapist and saying to her like.
(05:27):
I'm just exhausted.
I am pushing myself tothe brink of a breakdown.
This, I just couldn't keep up withmy own life and I didn't understand
why I was making the choices I wasmaking and why, for me in my life I was
choosing to make things harder I justreally felt like I was choosing this
path and I couldn't understand why.
(05:48):
And I was talking to her and I waslike, you know, I think it's because I
have seen the women before me struggleand they have struggled because
of the circumstances they're in.
Again, I'm never saying thatsomeone is choosing struggle.
Um.
My grandmother came here from Italy.
They had nothing.
My mom had two kids really youngand my dad was on an apprentice
(06:10):
wage and so they struggled.
My mom was working and she wasstudying part-time with a baby,
and she had a really tough life.
She had to make some really difficultchoices, and I think sometimes.
When we see the things that thegenerations before us have gone
through, we kind of take that aswhat's called an invisible loyalty.
(06:32):
So I wanna define this.
So I came across thisconcept two different ideas.
So the first one's calledInvisible Loyalty, and that's
from Contextual Therapy by Ivan.
I can't say his name properly, Iapologize, I can't say his surname.
But it's called contextual therapy,and he says that invisible loyalties
refer to unconscious multi-generationalcommitments and expectations that
(06:54):
family members have towards eachother and their family system.
These loyalties often pass down throughgenerations can influence behavior,
relationships, and even mentalhealth sometimes in detrimental ways.
Right?
So there's that.
And then I learned about this otherconcept from Internal Family system.
So you know me, that's my favoritetherapy and it's called Legacy Burdens.
(07:18):
And they are inherited beliefs.
So those beliefs are inheritedfrom the generations before us
and the experiences they've had.
And we take them on like theyare ours, even if they don't
reflect where we are in our lives.
So something that like,I remember going to.
My therapist and saying, you know, it'sreally interesting because at some point
I don't know where I recognized thatI was struggling exactly in the same
(07:42):
way that my mom and my grandmother did.
So making that choice to continueand really stress myself out.
And not even that.
It wasn't even that.
I think it was also the fact thatI wasn't doing what I wanted.
It wasn't even that, I wasn't evenfollowing through with the things
that, that I enjoyed because I waslistening to other people and I was
really focusing on what I thoughtI needed to do based on what my
(08:06):
grandparents and, you know, my parentshad expected of me to a, to a degree.
Like I know my grandparents sacrificed anenormous amount, both sides of my both.
Both, um, paternal and maternalgrandparents sacrificed an enormous
amount for us to come here so we couldhave these opportunities in Australia.
And I felt like if I wasn't followingthrough with uni and doing exactly what
(08:26):
I thought represented what they wantedfor us, then I was failing and carrying
that and pushing through that became.
Exactly what Ivan said in hisconcept took a huge toll on my mental
health because I wasn't, I am notwhere they were in their lives.
Obviously the idea too, for them movinghere was so that we wouldn't be, and we
(08:47):
haven't been, their successes are verymuch obvious through my entire family.
We're all in different positionsthan the previous generation before
us, but the challenge is when thosetradition, when those beliefs.
Carry through and they no longer matchthe circumstances we are in, but we
keep trying to make choices from thatplace, from that value, from that legacy.
(09:07):
And that's the experience that Ihad where I realized that my choices
were really much based on what Ithought they would do if they were me.
But the challenge was that they weren'tin the circumstances that I was in, and
I'm not in the circumstances they're in.
And so my question to you today, andsomething that I wanna really talk
(09:28):
about is, do you think that you have anyinvisible rules, any invisible loyalties?
So it might be an idea, itmight be something that, like
a motto that you've taken.
And I think that inner critickicks in because we wanna
stay connected to our family.
We wanna honor thesacrifices that they've made.
We want to move forwardwith acknowledgement.
And I think that doing that sometimescan become a bit confusing because
(09:52):
we think we need to make thechoices that they would make and.
Sometimes can keep us stuck incycles that don't feel right for us.
That ends up leading us intodifficult places mentally as well.
So that's what I wantedto talk to you about.
So, do you have any core beliefs, coreideas that come from your family that
(10:13):
you feel impacts your choices now?
And do you feel like any ofthose have contributed maybe to.
Turning away from yourself.
I think that's the biggest thingthat I wanna really point out here.
It's really about making choiceswhere we turn towards ourselves,
towards the things that we wanna do,towards the person that we wanna be.
(10:34):
And again, it's not a thing, notnecessarily a thing of financial either.
It could be a mindset.
sometimes we just carry.
A way of thinking toconnect with our family.
But when we know that way of thinking isnot sitting with us anymore or there's
something that we're carrying with usthat doesn't feel like it's for us, but
we feel at the same time we should becarrying it because it was passed to us.
(10:56):
And I think that's the exactthing of invisible loyalties.
And legacy burdens.
We are carrying things that are notnecessarily from our experience, but
we are using it, using it as if it was.
So what do you think isgoing on there for you?
If that's something that youfeel is impacting your choices?
And I think the biggest thing here isif you are here and you're listening
(11:16):
to this episode, it's about choices.
It's about the choices that you aremaking and that I'm making, that
we're all making for ourselves.
The thinking and the processingthat goes into those choices.
And this is such a big part of itbecause we can hold these ideas of
what we should be doing, the rules thatwe have, the legacies that we wanna
carry forward again, even if they don'talign with where we are in our lives.
(11:39):
So something that, um, that cameup in my notes was, choosing from
where I am and not where I came from.
And that's something thatI have been learning.
So I made the decision to.
Not continue social work.
I even made the decision not to go backto uni because it was too much with kids.
I personally, and you know what?
I know that I am in a position to be ableto make that choice, and not everyone is.
(12:00):
So I do wanna acknowledge that,and I'm not saying that that is
a choice that everybody can make.
Again, I'm only referring to myown experience here, but I decided
not to because I wasn't beingthe person or the parent that I.
Could be while I was trying tostudy, I couldn't balance it.
I couldn't do it, so I said no to it.
And I think that that's somethingthat went against the grain for me
(12:21):
in my thinking that I was used toseeing, because I had seen my family
push through so much and I justfelt like I shouldn't be doing this.
but I think it's such an important thing.
To become aware of, because I thinkthat's part of what helps us to step
out of those cycles, to make differentchoices, to make things that turn us
towards ourselves, to make us feel,and I know that's like an odd idea, but
(12:43):
it's about turning back to ourselves, toreally aligning with ourselves and being
clearer on what we want in our lives andmaking choices from, again, where we are
and not necessarily where we came from.
I think where we came from werehis factors, but I think it's,
yeah, again, this is your journeyand it's about figuring out.
Where that is for you.
Like I said, I knew that I was makingchoices that I didn't have to make,
(13:05):
that I was choosing anyways, and Ireally had to understand the process
behind that and what I was doing.
And I think that the legacy burdens,the invisible loyalties were
really playing a, a part in that.
So I wanted to bring this to you.
What?
Invisible rules, and that'swhat I like to call it.
What invisible rules do you thinkyou're living by that are impacting
your choices, that are impacting theway that you live and perhaps not
(13:27):
getting you to where you wanna be ornot getting you to who you wanna be.
So I hope this episode helped you.
It was a really short, sweet one, butit was one that I wanted to really.
Talk about, because I love thisidea of like invisible rules.
It's usually the unconscious thingsthat we don't talk about that we really
have to sit with and think about.
(13:48):
And I remember thinking tomyself, why am I doing this?
And I couldn't even understand.
So here's some, some suggestions,something that we can ask ourselves.
We would ask, and I sometimes I thinkthis is, again, it's such an unconscious
process, we immediately have this ideaof what our family would do, what they
would want us to do, what they did, right?
But instead of asking that, canwe take a minute and ask if this
(14:08):
rule still works for us, and are wecarrying it because it works for us?
Or are we carrying it becauseit's a tradition or a legacy
that we feel we need to carry?
And do we wanna keep following it ormaking these choices based on these rules?
Or is it time to choosesomething different?
So I hope this episodewas helpful for you.
So think about it.
You know, leave a comment.
If you're in the emailcommunity, reply back.
(14:30):
Let me know what you're thinking.
I would love to know about anyinvisible rules that you think
about as you're doing this.
So if you feel like you are resentfulin a certain area of your life, you're
stuck in a cycle, you're getting reallyangry at certain choices that you're
making, and it can be as simple as like.
Always saying yes instead of no.
What invisible rule, what legacyburden, what thing are we carrying?
(14:50):
What rule are we carrying that makesus feel like we always have to say yes?
So this is just an idea andI hope that, again, take what
resonates, leave what doesn't.
But thank you so much for being here,and I will catch you in the next episode.
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