October 30, 2023 • 13 mins
In this video, I discuss the challenges of dealing with feedback and the inner critic when we try to put ourselves out there.
I share my personal experience of receiving feedback that questioned the combination of my grief coaching and life coaching work.
I explore the dilemma of choosing between different aspects of myself and the fear of being judged. I also introduce the concept of determining our job in terms of showing up authentically and not trying to convince others of our worth.
This video offers strategies for navigating feedback and making aligned decisions.
Join our bi-weekly journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi guys, and welcometo the Self-Development Collective.
Sorry, it's been a while since I've lost
a podcast or a video,
so I just wanted to get back into it.
And starting today I actually wantedto talk about a personal experience
that I've had and something that I thinkis just a big challenge
that we have in general,and that is, you know, in a critique,
(00:23):
fearing, having that fearof putting ourselves out there.
And I think the most challenging,
the interesting thingis when those two things align.
So, you know, we oftenhave that fear that we're not good enough,
that we don't knowenough, that our work isn't good enough.
And then what happens when someone comesand says that
and like matcheswhat our inner critic says?
(00:46):
And that's an experiencethat I've had recently,
and I just wanted to reflect on itbecause I do think that it's, again,
something that we all struggle with.
And it was a really interesting experiencebecause this person
had a little bit to say about thistype of grief work.
And particularly they made a suggestionthat I should either stick
(01:06):
to like grief coaching or life coaching,but that I couldn't do both.
And you know, among some other feedbackthat they had.
But the reason that I wanted to focus on
that one is because it's a challengethat I've had myself,
where I've kind of been like,What do I talk about?
Do I just talk about grief or doI just talk about the other type
of work, like the, you know, critiquethe boundaries, that sort of stuff.
(01:27):
And, you know, I even went to my statsand I was like, okay, let's see
what people listen to the most and like memake this decision.
And the challenge is too, that my statswere not like my stats were both.
I had like the top episodes of my podcastwere either about grief
or they were about boundariesthat in a critique sort of vibe
and I have wondered whether
(01:49):
I needed to separate my workor like just focus on one or the other.
And, you know, I had someone else jump onwho was talking about my work
and how much it helped them,and they were talking
more about the boundariesin a critique work.
And so I kind of was a bit conflicted.
And I think this person saying thatjust kind of brought that up again for me.
But obviously to,
(02:09):
you know, I just think that critiqueis such a normal experience.
We all have those concernsthat we're not going to be good enough
or our work isn't good enoughor people won't like us.
And so what do we do when we're actuallyfaced with those decisions?
And something a strategythat I actually learned that was by Dr.
Becky.
I was listening to her workabout parenting,
and she gave this
(02:31):
this chat about our role as parentsversus the role of children or our job
as parents or, as you said,and the job of children at their jobs.
And she was
it was really interestingbecause she was obviously talking about
like our job is to as a parentis to regulate and their job
is to experience their feelings. Right.
So that's kind of thethe path she was taking with that work.
(02:54):
And so
when I had this experience last night,I was thinking about what this person said
and how in particular they were sayingthat I couldn't show up in both spaces.
I kind of was like, Are they right?
Am I doing am I doing this right?
You know,taking on what this person was saying?
And I think that's the first partthat I want to talk about.
(03:14):
So when someone gives you feedback, right,how do you determine
between the feedback that you should takeon versus the feedback that,
you know, it's perhaps more from a place
of their own situationversus genuine feedback.
And so
I think that this person bringing in sawit was interesting
because I was already kind of atthat point of trying to figure that out,
(03:36):
but something that I found thatI wanted to talk about in
particular was the that the person madethat suggestion that I couldn't do both.
And here's the doctor, BeckyPott, that I really used.
I was like, okay, so what is my job?
When I put myself out there, my jobin putting myself out there?
And again, this isn'tjust about what this person said.
(03:58):
It was also about the fact that,you know, it's that fear of being judged,
that person offering that out, a critiquethat matches you in a critique.
And then you start to wonder,should you even be doing this at all?
And so the process I went through was,you know what, my job
my job is to show upas I feel is best for me.
My job is to offer the workthat I can offer based on
(04:20):
the things that have helped me.And I hope that they help other people.
My job is to look at feedback and use thatfeedback with my inner compass
to determine what changes I need to make,whether in my personal life
or whether it be in my in my work life.
That's my job.
The other people, what's not our job,I think, is the way I like to explain
(04:44):
it is our job is not to get peopleto understand us all the time.
Our job is to be sorrynot to be liked by everyone.
Our job is not to make choices
on what we can do and what we should do
based on other people's viewsof what they think is possible for us.
(05:04):
And I think that's a big learning curve
that I've had in this momentand a big self-reflection moment,
because when I looked at that,I could see some point
she was making about the way I hadportrayed myself in terms of my content.
But the challenge on my end is, you know,I don't just talk about grief.
I talk about life.I talk about what's happening in my life.
(05:26):
I self-reflect and I use thatand the strategies that I use
to help me cope in my moments,whether they be grief moments
or just moments of ina critical boundaries or people pleasing.
I like to share those strategiesregardless,
just to offer support to other people.
This is the work that I want to do.
I am studying to be a psychologist.
(05:47):
I don'tI don't intend to reach just one audience.
It's kind of like if you go to say, likea counselor or a therapist or anything
and they say, Well, you're not grieving,
so I can't see you, or you're not talkingabout in a critical boundary.
So I can't see you.
Like I don't intend to make my content
only about one thingbecause it's not it's not personal to me.
(06:11):
It doesn't resonate with meto just talk about grief,
because the reality of it is that my griefhas paved the way for my inner work.
And I have a lot of reflectionon that part of my life as well
that I like to share too.
And that's why I don't chooseeither grief or
or like those other areas to talk about.
I merge both.
And I know that can be trickybecause there'll be people here
(06:32):
that haven't lost someoneor there'll be people here that have.
But also the idea is, you know,you pick and choose the content
that you want to listen to.
You know,you don't have to listen to every podcast.
So I just think that this was reallyan important experience for me personally.
But also I wanted to talk about it becauseI just know how challenging it can be.
I have a huge in a critique.
I've done my own work around this
(06:54):
and that's what I'll be talking aboutsoon as well,
and doing more episodes on that to my workand the way I portray myself
is very reflective of whatI'm going through, whether that's grief
or whether that's an innerjourney of some sort.
And so that list of jobs
helped me to look at what feedbackI will take on and what feedback I won't,
(07:15):
and really relying on the part of thatin a compass to help determine
whether someone's feedbackis going to help me to be the person
I want to be versusit not being about that.
And I think the biggest thingthat came out of this for me
was recognizing that one thingthat is always my job and never
someone else'sis to determine how I want to show up.
(07:36):
And I don't thinkthat any sort of feedback
on how I should and
shouldn't be showing up as a personand based on how I should be display.
My experience
is something that at this point in my lifeI think I can shift for others
because the way I amand who I am is very much portrayed
in my work, and that's not somethingthat I'm willing to compromise.
(07:58):
So for example,by listening to this person's suggestion
and only talking about griefor only talking about life
and that sort of thing is not me,because my grief has paved the way.
I think.
And so for me, it's very mucha combination of the two, which is why
I struggle so much, or I struggleto try and choose between either one
because it felt like I was choosingbetween two different parts of me.
(08:21):
And it's really important for mein my work to show up as I am
and be honest about what is goingon for me and what I'm experiencing
and the strategies I'm using regardlessof the life area that I'm referring to.
So that's just something that I wanted
to bring forward to you todayand talk about,
you know, when someone offers us,whether it's criticism, judgment,
(08:43):
genuine feedback,how do we decipher between,
you know, what to take on versuswhen to take our sort of stand on things.
And I think that our job, their job
aspect or what's my joband what's not my job is really important.
Like, for example, it'snot our job to convince someone else
of why we do something, especiallyif that person is not our person.
(09:04):
They don't want to be, you know,in our in our group that don't want to be
part of the communitythat we're trying to build.
And I think that's even if it's a family,even if it's a friend and community
in a general sense, likeso I think that making those decisions
based on what our job is versuswhat their job is really helped me
at least to shift the wayI handle these types of situations.
(09:26):
So, you know, it's not my job to convincethat person that my work is good enough.
It's not my job to convince that personthat my my work is for them.
It's not my job to tell that personhow they should
and shouldn't feel oror how they experience my work.
And as challenging as that is,because, you know,
I really want to be someone genuineand I want to be seen that way.
(09:47):
Obviously, like we all do.
At the end of the day, it's not our jobto try and change someone's experience.
It's only our job to show up in a waythat feels most authentic to us.
And whether someone else agrees or not,that's their job, not our job.
And I think separatingthat helps me to take a step back
and really helps meto make more aligned decisions.
(10:09):
So if you feel like you're strugglingwith that in a critique,
you feel like there's someone you knowor someone gives
you like feedback or really,you know, a little bit like criticism.
That's probably more on the tough side.
That is something to goto, you know, writing.
Liesl What's your job?What's not your job?
You know, what should you be takingon versus not taking on?
And I think the biggest thing for me in
(10:31):
this experience was recognizing,you know, again, that my job is to choose
how I show up
and my job is not to adjust that based onwhat other people think I should do.
And I think that that's so challengingbecause the exact reason
that so many of us, including myself,have struggled to put ourselves out there
is for this exact situation where we fearthat someone will literally say
(10:54):
what our inner critic says and B, judge us
for who we are at our core.
And this type of exercise
just helps me to be a bit more calm,curious, compassionate.
I mean, I can definitely understandthat perhaps this person was going through
they are going through so much pain.
And I know, again,it's not my job to fix this stuff.
(11:16):
It's my job to work with whatI have to be myself, to offer my genuine
perspective,to offer my genuine reflections
and hope that that resonateswith the people that resonate.
It's not my job to convince everybody
and it's not my job again to shift
what feels right to mebased on feedback out in a critique.
And this is an important part that I havelearned to understand in a critique
(11:39):
is there to protect us from these moments,to literally tell ourselves
the things that we're scaredother people will say in the hopes or,
you know, that protection idea
that if the any critique says it to usand we hold back, we won't be judged,
we won't be told these thingsthat we're so scared to hear from others.
And I think that understandingthe protective nature of the critique
(12:00):
makes me appreciate it, understandsit, and helps me to work with it.
And because of the work I've done,I've been able to to handle this situation
the way that I have handled it
and understand itthe way that I've understood it.
For me.
So that's kind ofI hope that that's helpful.
I hope that this experience,this reflection
that I wanted to share with you todaycan help you the next time you feel
(12:23):
judged or criticizedor you given feedback,
really thinking about those jobs,what is our job, What isn't our job?
And that, I think, helps usto navigate our decisions and it helps us
to navigate our communication as welland where we put our effort as well.
So I hope that you have like this episode.
I'm glad to be back doing what I lovetalking about everything that you know
(12:46):
is going on for me,whether that's through my grief,
whether that's through my life,
whether that's through boundaries,that it's a critique.
I am excited to be back and to be sharing.
So I hope that you've enjoyed this episodeand I'll catch you in the next one.
Hi guys, and welcometo the Self-Development Collective.
Sorry, it's been a while since I've lost
a podcast or a video,
so I just wanted to get back into it.
And starting today I actually wantedto talk about a personal experience
that I've had and something that I thinkis just a big challenge
that we have in general,and that is, you know, in a critique,
(00:23):
fearing, having that fearof putting ourselves out there.
And I think the most challenging,
the interesting thingis when those two things align.
So, you know, we oftenhave that fear that we're not good enough,
that we don't knowenough, that our work isn't good enough.
And then what happens when someone comesand says that
and like matcheswhat our inner critic says?
(00:46):
And that's an experiencethat I've had recently,
and I just wanted to reflect on itbecause I do think that it's, again,
something that we all struggle with.
And it was a really interesting experiencebecause this person
had a little bit to say about thistype of grief work.
And particularly they made a suggestionthat I should either stick
(01:06):
to like grief coaching or life coaching,but that I couldn't do both.
And you know, among some other feedbackthat they had.
But the reason that I wanted to focus on
that one is because it's a challengethat I've had myself,
where I've kind of been like,What do I talk about?
Do I just talk about grief or doI just talk about the other type
of work, like the, you know, critiquethe boundaries, that sort of stuff.
(01:27):
And, you know, I even went to my statsand I was like, okay, let's see
what people listen to the most and like memake this decision.
And the challenge is too, that my statswere not like my stats were both.
I had like the top episodes of my podcastwere either about grief
or they were about boundariesthat in a critique sort of vibe
and I have wondered whether
(01:49):
I needed to separate my workor like just focus on one or the other.
And, you know, I had someone else jump onwho was talking about my work
and how much it helped them,and they were talking
more about the boundariesin a critique work.
And so I kind of was a bit conflicted.
And I think this person saying thatjust kind of brought that up again for me.
But obviously to,
(02:09):
you know, I just think that critiqueis such a normal experience.
We all have those concernsthat we're not going to be good enough
or our work isn't good enoughor people won't like us.
And so what do we do when we're actuallyfaced with those decisions?
And something a strategythat I actually learned that was by Dr.
Becky.
I was listening to her workabout parenting,
and she gave this
(02:31):
this chat about our role as parentsversus the role of children or our job
as parents or, as you said,and the job of children at their jobs.
And she was
it was really interestingbecause she was obviously talking about
like our job is to as a parentis to regulate and their job
is to experience their feelings. Right.
So that's kind of thethe path she was taking with that work.
(02:54):
And so
when I had this experience last night,I was thinking about what this person said
and how in particular they were sayingthat I couldn't show up in both spaces.
I kind of was like, Are they right?
Am I doing am I doing this right?
You know,taking on what this person was saying?
And I think that's the first partthat I want to talk about.
(03:14):
So when someone gives you feedback, right,how do you determine
between the feedback that you should takeon versus the feedback that,
you know, it's perhaps more from a place
of their own situationversus genuine feedback.
And so
I think that this person bringing in sawit was interesting
because I was already kind of atthat point of trying to figure that out,
(03:36):
but something that I found thatI wanted to talk about in
particular was the that the person madethat suggestion that I couldn't do both.
And here's the doctor, BeckyPott, that I really used.
I was like, okay, so what is my job?
When I put myself out there, my jobin putting myself out there?
And again, this isn'tjust about what this person said.
(03:58):
It was also about the fact that,you know, it's that fear of being judged,
that person offering that out, a critiquethat matches you in a critique.
And then you start to wonder,should you even be doing this at all?
And so the process I went through was,you know what, my job
my job is to show upas I feel is best for me.
My job is to offer the workthat I can offer based on
(04:20):
the things that have helped me.And I hope that they help other people.
My job is to look at feedback and use thatfeedback with my inner compass
to determine what changes I need to make,whether in my personal life
or whether it be in my in my work life.
That's my job.
The other people, what's not our job,I think, is the way I like to explain
(04:44):
it is our job is not to get peopleto understand us all the time.
Our job is to be sorrynot to be liked by everyone.
Our job is not to make choices
on what we can do and what we should do
based on other people's viewsof what they think is possible for us.
(05:04):
And I think that's a big learning curve
that I've had in this momentand a big self-reflection moment,
because when I looked at that,I could see some point
she was making about the way I hadportrayed myself in terms of my content.
But the challenge on my end is, you know,I don't just talk about grief.
I talk about life.I talk about what's happening in my life.
(05:26):
I self-reflect and I use thatand the strategies that I use
to help me cope in my moments,whether they be grief moments
or just moments of ina critical boundaries or people pleasing.
I like to share those strategiesregardless,
just to offer support to other people.
This is the work that I want to do.
I am studying to be a psychologist.
(05:47):
I don'tI don't intend to reach just one audience.
It's kind of like if you go to say, likea counselor or a therapist or anything
and they say, Well, you're not grieving,
so I can't see you, or you're not talkingabout in a critical boundary.
So I can't see you.
Like I don't intend to make my content
only about one thingbecause it's not it's not personal to me.
(06:11):
It doesn't resonate with meto just talk about grief,
because the reality of it is that my griefhas paved the way for my inner work.
And I have a lot of reflectionon that part of my life as well
that I like to share too.
And that's why I don't chooseeither grief or
or like those other areas to talk about.
I merge both.
And I know that can be trickybecause there'll be people here
(06:32):
that haven't lost someoneor there'll be people here that have.
But also the idea is, you know,you pick and choose the content
that you want to listen to.
You know,you don't have to listen to every podcast.
So I just think that this was reallyan important experience for me personally.
But also I wanted to talk about it becauseI just know how challenging it can be.
I have a huge in a critique.
I've done my own work around this
(06:54):
and that's what I'll be talking aboutsoon as well,
and doing more episodes on that to my workand the way I portray myself
is very reflective of whatI'm going through, whether that's grief
or whether that's an innerjourney of some sort.
And so that list of jobs
helped me to look at what feedbackI will take on and what feedback I won't,
(07:15):
and really relying on the part of thatin a compass to help determine
whether someone's feedbackis going to help me to be the person
I want to be versusit not being about that.
And I think the biggest thingthat came out of this for me
was recognizing that one thingthat is always my job and never
someone else'sis to determine how I want to show up.
(07:36):
And I don't thinkthat any sort of feedback
on how I should and
shouldn't be showing up as a personand based on how I should be display.
My experience
is something that at this point in my lifeI think I can shift for others
because the way I amand who I am is very much portrayed
in my work, and that's not somethingthat I'm willing to compromise.
(07:58):
So for example,by listening to this person's suggestion
and only talking about griefor only talking about life
and that sort of thing is not me,because my grief has paved the way.
I think.
And so for me, it's very mucha combination of the two, which is why
I struggle so much, or I struggleto try and choose between either one
because it felt like I was choosingbetween two different parts of me.
(08:21):
And it's really important for mein my work to show up as I am
and be honest about what is goingon for me and what I'm experiencing
and the strategies I'm using regardlessof the life area that I'm referring to.
So that's just something that I wanted
to bring forward to you todayand talk about,
you know, when someone offers us,whether it's criticism, judgment,
(08:43):
genuine feedback,how do we decipher between,
you know, what to take on versuswhen to take our sort of stand on things.
And I think that our job, their job
aspect or what's my joband what's not my job is really important.
Like, for example, it'snot our job to convince someone else
of why we do something, especiallyif that person is not our person.
(09:04):
They don't want to be, you know,in our in our group that don't want to be
part of the communitythat we're trying to build.
And I think that's even if it's a family,even if it's a friend and community
in a general sense, likeso I think that making those decisions
based on what our job is versuswhat their job is really helped me
at least to shift the wayI handle these types of situations.
(09:26):
So, you know, it's not my job to convincethat person that my work is good enough.
It's not my job to convince that personthat my my work is for them.
It's not my job to tell that personhow they should
and shouldn't feel oror how they experience my work.
And as challenging as that is,because, you know,
I really want to be someone genuineand I want to be seen that way.
(09:47):
Obviously, like we all do.
At the end of the day, it's not our jobto try and change someone's experience.
It's only our job to show up in a waythat feels most authentic to us.
And whether someone else agrees or not,that's their job, not our job.
And I think separatingthat helps me to take a step back
and really helps meto make more aligned decisions.
(10:09):
So if you feel like you're strugglingwith that in a critique,
you feel like there's someone you knowor someone gives
you like feedback or really,you know, a little bit like criticism.
That's probably more on the tough side.
That is something to goto, you know, writing.
Liesl What's your job?What's not your job?
You know, what should you be takingon versus not taking on?
And I think the biggest thing for me in
(10:31):
this experience was recognizing,you know, again, that my job is to choose
how I show up
and my job is not to adjust that based onwhat other people think I should do.
And I think that that's so challengingbecause the exact reason
that so many of us, including myself,have struggled to put ourselves out there
is for this exact situation where we fearthat someone will literally say
(10:54):
what our inner critic says and B, judge us
for who we are at our core.
And this type of exercise
just helps me to be a bit more calm,curious, compassionate.
I mean, I can definitely understandthat perhaps this person was going through
they are going through so much pain.
And I know, again,it's not my job to fix this stuff.
(11:16):
It's my job to work with whatI have to be myself, to offer my genuine
perspective,to offer my genuine reflections
and hope that that resonateswith the people that resonate.
It's not my job to convince everybody
and it's not my job again to shift
what feels right to mebased on feedback out in a critique.
And this is an important part that I havelearned to understand in a critique
(11:39):
is there to protect us from these moments,to literally tell ourselves
the things that we're scaredother people will say in the hopes or,
you know, that protection idea
that if the any critique says it to usand we hold back, we won't be judged,
we won't be told these thingsthat we're so scared to hear from others.
And I think that understandingthe protective nature of the critique
(12:00):
makes me appreciate it, understandsit, and helps me to work with it.
And because of the work I've done,I've been able to to handle this situation
the way that I have handled it
and understand itthe way that I've understood it.
For me.
So that's kind ofI hope that that's helpful.
I hope that this experience,this reflection
that I wanted to share with you todaycan help you the next time you feel
(12:23):
judged or criticizedor you given feedback,
really thinking about those jobs,what is our job, What isn't our job?
And that, I think, helps usto navigate our decisions and it helps us
to navigate our communication as welland where we put our effort as well.
So I hope that you have like this episode.
I'm glad to be back doing what I lovetalking about everything that you know
(12:46):
is going on for me,whether that's through my grief,
whether that's through my life,
whether that's through boundaries,that it's a critique.
I am excited to be back and to be sharing.
So I hope that you've enjoyed this episodeand I'll catch you in the next one.
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