June 18, 2025 • 47 mins
Has the group committed their greatest travesty to date? Splitting off to cover more ground as they prepare for Lil Sauce's trial Rorick, Sauce, Keto, and Maki decide to head to the local hospital in hopes of getting access to the spooky morgue below and the corpses being stored below that they know will be called to the stand when the trial begins. How do you ensure that a dead man can't speak? Find out in today's episode of Criminals of Isla Numus!
- Maki (Quill Smith) - Played by David
- Kenku Shadow Sorcerer
- Keto (Ichthyo "Theo" Glycerskin) - Played by Fatty Lumpkins
- Kobold Echo Knight Fighter
- Feather McGregor - Played by Quinn
- Kenku War Mage Wizard
- Rorick (Fizzlefingers) - Played by Cameron
- Goblin Arcane Trickster Rogue
- Dez (Wingbert Featherbottom) - Played by Jackson
- Kenku Swarmkeeper Ranger
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Credits
Character Art by: comabogbog Music by: Simon Jones Music
© 2023 Session Zero Heroes. All rights reserved.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, weary traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,
(00:22):
and most importantly, lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I?
You might ask.
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots,
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold.
(00:44):
But let some of the key details blank.
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,
(01:07):
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
of the Session Zero Heroes Presents,
Criminals of Ilanumis.
I don't know why I keep saying that.
I just need to say, criminals of Ilanumis.
That way, you know what you're listening to,
(01:27):
even though you probably already do.
Anyways, with me today, we've got Dave, Plamaki.
We've got Fatty Lumpkin's playing Keto.
We've got Quinn over in the corner,
playing the corner.
Just kidding.
Little sauce.
There he is, represent.
On the other side of the table, we got Jackson.
He's playing Dedez, and Cameron, who's playing Rorik.
(01:49):
And we're going to jump right back into things,
because I'm pretty stoked to see what you guys are going
to do to mess with this court trial.
So here we go.
[AUDIO OUT]
Welcome back.
So when we last left off, you guys,
we're on your second to last day of just messing with this court
(02:11):
trial for Little Sauce, trying to mess with all kinds
of the various evidence, witnesses, and details
to hopefully get an unfair trial for your individual that
will hopefully, by unfair, I mean, swing in your favor.
So you guys found out some details last time.
You found out some things that the prosecution is planning
to use, and you are planning on following those up.
(02:34):
Rorik, you are planning on messing with the horses that
allegedly are going to be part of the witness stand.
Dedez is planning on probably setting fire to,
it seems to be his focus, to wherever the cart is being held
that was found at Little Sauce's house,
and is a primary piece of evidence.
We've got Maki.
(02:54):
We've got Keto.
And then we got Little Sauce are all banding together
to go to the morgue and see what trouble they can
cause to the alleged dead witnesses that
may make an appearance on the witness stand.
So from there, we will start with the crazy undead side
(03:14):
of things at the morgue.
So you guys know where the morgue is located at.
The state has a morgue.
It is guarded, though, of course, by both guards
and especially because situations like this,
where there's a court trial coming up in there,
a necessary piece, which is pretty often actually
in a world full of magic.
Also, the staff inside that work with these bodies.
(03:34):
What is your-- I'm going to keep things kind of general,
not like super detailed with like, oh, you guys sneaking in.
But just like, what is your guys' approach in this situation?
How are you guys going to get inside it?
We'll start with getting inside the morgue.
Well, they're posing as my lawyers, obviously,
which they are my lawyers.
They want to see the evidence.
They should have a right to go see the evidence.
(03:55):
And as they do that, I'm going to sneak in somehow and--
OK, OK.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, OK, we'll start from the bottom.
Just saying, let's go.
Isn't that kind of a slippery slope, though,
because if we claim to be the lawyers--
No, you are my lawyers.
--as we are the lawyers, going to see the witnesses,
them being the dead corpses.
And then they're healthy before we see them.
(04:18):
We go see them.
And then after we see them, they seem
to have lost their heads.
Do we not fall under suspicion at that point?
Dez has a point to make.
And he writes down the fine print of the Speak with Dead spell.
And in the fine print of Speak with Dead,
it said that it cannot be used within 10 days
(04:41):
after using it the first time.
So--
Do any of you have Speak with Dead?
If anyone has Speak with Dead, do it now.
Then it can't be used again for another 10 days.
Well, would they just push the trial back?
They might, but it would give you more time to do more crying.
Do the crime, get more time.
(05:01):
All right, so I got Fog Cloud.
That's what I like to say.
I got Fog Cloud.
It's not Speak with Dead.
I got Spider Climb.
Nope, that's not Speak with Dead either.
And I got Lunge Renews.
I'm not talking about that.
That's also not Speak with Dead.
OK, yeah, no, sorry, sorry.
So--
What areas this morgue in?
That's a good question.
Are there multiple morgues in this?
(05:22):
I mean, it's a big city.
So yeah, it's probably multiple.
So here's the way it works.
So any hospital, like full on hospital,
will have a morgue underneath of it.
In this situation, there is the hospital
that is at or nearest the town hall and the courthouse
and everything like that.
And that is where the city has a contract with them
(05:45):
to store bodies specifically for this purpose.
So they essentially have two morgues at this hospital.
One is for bodies used in courthouse
or for any investigative purposes or whatever the case.
And then the other one is used for their typical hospital
purposes.
So I can hit someone with enlarge and reduce.
(06:07):
I do hope you use that at some point.
That would be very interesting.
I do plan on it here.
Good.
I want to make someone really tiny.
Can I carry them in my pocket?
OK.
Or actually, can I do it to myself?
I think so, yes.
OK, I wasn't sure.
I'm going to do it to myself.
I'll hop in a pocket.
And then when I'm in there and they're inspecting the bodies,
(06:27):
they can just distract.
Because I'm assuming it'll be one doctor in there
or one person in there.
OK.
I can just distract them.
I can hop in the mouth and cut the tongue out.
I was really nervous that you were talking about the ant man
in Thanos' butt hole idea.
And I was getting really nervous.
But again, I feel like that would come right back to--
what?
Who was it?
Who's saying they were concerned about the idea?
(06:49):
Well, they're not going to know I'm even in there.
And if I cut it out, if I just cut it and hop out,
and it's still cut, it's not going to reattach.
OK.
And we have to do that with how many people?
I just want to clarify, because I did say this previously.
And I think it's only fair that I re-mentioned it again,
because Jackson literally rolled for it.
And that is, it said, the corpse must still have a mouth
(07:13):
and cannot be undead.
You would have to take its hold that are.
Yeah, I was going to say, the tongue doesn't matter,
which is why I went, hey, guys, none of this guy let.
And this is needy toughening without moving the tongue.
Like, you can still kind of understand.
You cannot talk without a tongue.
You did just move your tongue.
You cannot talk without a tongue.
(07:34):
So this smorgasbund is in a hospital.
It's under hospital, yes.
I'm thinking that we don't want to just go say that.
We're here to see the bodies.
Yeah, I think it's got to be more covert.
Maybe we pose as orderly, somebody poses as a body.
Des writes on his slate.
It says, convince morgue guy to use spell.
(07:58):
He wouldn't know the fine print?
Well, you would think maybe the mortician
might know the speak with dead spell.
But he wouldn't know the fine print.
And you could convince him, you could be like,
we're cross referencing witnesses,
because that's a thing you do in law, right?
(08:18):
I would just like them not to be,
'cause I don't want them to push a trial back.
We'll claim mistrial.
I think one of us pretends to be dead.
(laughing)
I'm intrigued, I'm intrigued.
Him, little sauce, does anybody have a deep sleep spell?
Oh dude, there is a spell like that.
(08:39):
Why are we doing this?
It's feigned death.
Why are we doing this whole rig of morgue
when we could just fake little sauce's death
and be done with it?
That's actually a great idea.
I mean, you know they're gonna want to either bury
or burn the body pretty quick.
That is when we make a replica scarecrow
and that's what they bring.
And then it becomes a festival.
(09:00):
And again, and I had to think about the trial itself
and how that would work from the point of view
of magic as a normal thing in this world.
I feel like with a spell commonly used, feign of death,
people check.
Like if Romeo and Juliet was a thing
that every teenage couple was doing
across all of the whatever time period that happens in,
(09:23):
I think people would be like,
"Hey guys, let's just drip a little bit
"of the antidote in them.
"I mean, why not?
"Just to see what happens,
"so just to make sure."
All right, at least step one.
Sneak into the hospital
or just go into the hospital.
Step two.
Light the room on fire.
Find some hospital uniforms.
Ah, scrubs.
(09:45):
Yeah, we could be janitors, yeah.
Step three.
Wait for the morgue people to go to lunch.
Question mark, do they eat?
Question mark.
Step four.
Profit.
(laughing)
Now we sneak in there, unseen like in,
(10:07):
take care of the bodies.
Yeah, I don't see any reason to over complicate this.
Just wait for our opening and then take it.
And if there's no opening, make it.
At this point, what have we got till it is?
Let's just go.
All right, so yeah, you go into the hospital.
There's like a front desk reception area.
There's a man there and he says,
"Hello there, how can I help you?
(10:28):
"Are you guys experiencing any sort of sickness or injury?"
Yes, my hand.
Oh, oh no, what's wrong with your hand, sir?
He got bit by a horse.
Oh no, that's been happening a lot lately.
Yes, of course, if you would like to fill out,
he hands you a clipboard with a form on it.
He's like, "If you would like to fill out this form,
(10:49):
"please, about your insurance,
"and then I will get a doctor to head down here shortly."
Okay, but you might not be able to read it very well
'cause it made my writing hand.
Do you need me to, yes, do you need me to write this for you?
No, I could do it.
Okay, if you're sure, I mean,
that's what I'm here for, I'm here to help.
(11:10):
I take the form and go somewhere to fill it out.
Yeah, you go sit in a corner to go fill it out, right?
With your non-dominant hand.
You're just using your mouth to hold the pencil.
Where is your restroom?
Yes, right around the corner here, sir.
Okay.
Please make sure to wash your hands.
There's a lot of sickness going around lately.
Horse blue.
And you go to the restroom?
Go around the corner and just walk past the restroom.
(11:32):
Yeah, okay.
Looking for a storage bin or a linen closet.
I kinda got a pee.
Oh, okay, there's only really one bathroom here for guests.
If you wanna wait, I'll just go with him.
Ask for a bed, though. No.
Who else is around?
There's just a couple of other patients waiting
(11:53):
to be seen, like literally a couple.
Like there's probably like two or three at most.
There's one guy next to you.
There's a horse bite.
Me too.
When he pulls up his shoulder,
he's got this huge like chomp out of it.
And then there's another dude,
a couple other away from you.
And he's like leaning forward up and down.
He's like scratching one of his arms
and he looks over at you.
(12:14):
And then he kind of, he sees you.
And for whatever reason, he seems to,
like as if he noticed, recognizes you,
but not like recognized,
like thinks he knows something about you.
And he scoots one chair closer and he rocks a little bit.
And he scoots one more chair closer.
He says, "Hey man, you got a,
"got any euphoria by chance?"
- Uh, no, I've been trying to find a connection,
(12:37):
but I don't got a dealer.
- Oh, you need a dealer?
I mean, I knew a guy,
he won't sell me anymore, that's a problem.
- Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm always looking,
keeping connections, writing things in my black book.
You know what I mean?
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta keep those contacts close.
Okay, so look, here's the thing,
I'm gonna tell you where he's at,
(12:58):
but you gotta give me just a little bit, okay?
You gotta make sure you help old Stevie
and get some, get his bicks.
It was just a little bit.
He doesn't even have to be a full vial, okay?
So when you go see him, right,
he calls himself, he calls himself the memory priest.
And you can find him on the corner of Sixth's
(13:19):
and Meridian over in the Atlantis Heights District.
You've been over there recently?
- No.
- You know, with the shipyards and stuff,
yeah, you wanna go to Sixth and Meridian
in the Atlantis Heights District.
And you just tell him you're there to remember
and he'll hook you up.
(13:40):
- All right, thanks friend.
And who should I tell him sent me?
- Oh, you can, no, don't tell him anyone's sent you.
You just, trust me, he wants new customers.
He's looking for, he's handing out.
I mean, hold on, hold on.
I will say, I will also say, you know,
if he gives you any trouble, okay, you go to Radicus, okay?
(14:00):
He's gonna make you do some work,
but he'll pay you in euphoria, I heard.
Just, he's kinda, I don't know where he's at these days,
but if you just ask around to anybody,
if you ask any of the scroungers,
any of the scroungers, they'll tell you
the way that you can find Radicus.
They're all working for him these days.
- All right, well, thanks friend.
(14:21):
- Yeah, of course, just like I said,
don't forget about old Steve.
When you get some euphoria, you just bring some old Stevie.
- Don't trust any strange horses now.
I think we both learned our lesson.
- Yeah, that's right.
I see that guy over there and then you got a horse bite.
Man, these horses is going crazy.
He scooches back over a couple of chairs over.
(14:41):
- All right, I get up.
I scribble some stuff on the form, like totally illegible.
- Okay.
- And then I hand the form,
and as I hand it to the front desk attendant,
I drop it on the ground on her side of the desk.
- On his side of the desk?
- Is it his side of the desk?
(15:02):
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, it's a do-right. - Sorry.
- Oh my gosh, I don't want to be sorry about that.
- No, that's totally fine.
You're dealing with a lot, I totally understand.
Let me get that for you.
- As he bends down to pick it up,
using my Meta Magic ability,
subtle spell, I cast Sleep.
- Oh.
(laughs)
(15:23):
All right, we'll roll for how many hit points that affect.
- Good night.
- This is just looking like a normal dude.
- He's a normal dude.
He's just your everyday average guy.
- Isn't Sleep a con saving throw?
- No, yeah, 'cause you're just rolling the hit points,
and if you get to or above his hit points,
he falls asleep.
(15:44):
If you get lower, the only thing that happens
is he knows you tried to cast Sleep on it.
- I got 32.
- 32?
Dude, this guy, he bends over to pick up the clipboard,
and the next thing you know,
he rolls off the chair and just kind of topples
onto the floor in a pile.
This dude is out.
That's like, like, I think the average person
has like 10 hit points.
(16:05):
- Well, to be fair, okay, so I guess
you have to select the point.
I select the point kind of behind him,
so just he's on the edge.
Yeah, yeah, so it doesn't get the other people in the lot.
- It starts in his butt.
And he goes, he leans, I've already got my butters, no.
- So he's just like, all the floors sleep.
- He is out, dude.
He is out for like the breast,
(16:27):
like it's gonna take a thing to wake him
with 30 points of knockout juice.
- I let myself pass the front desk.
- Sure.
- And he's just carried over to the bathroom
where he sauces waiting outside or something.
- Yeah, you guys are, well, you guys
are coming around the corner
and you guys all, the three of you,
(16:48):
just to keep things simple,
the three of you all walk into the hospital area,
like the back area.
- The front desk person has a sleep.
Quick, we need to find a closet
and get some clothes or something.
- Yeah, while you were behind the front desk,
did you happen to find like a directory or a map?
- No, I mean, I could go grab, see.
(17:09):
- Oh yeah, there's like a--
- You didn't grab any keys or anything?
- There's like a little booklet at the front desk
that's like when you go to the zoo
and they have little map things that fold out.
- I'll be right back.
I run back, back to the front desk
and try to look on his desk
and see if there's any like keys or anything.
(17:30):
Open his drawer.
- Roll an investigation check.
- Kido shows it behind him as well.
- I'm there with him.
- Well, hold on.
If all three of you guys are scrounging around
behind the desk, that's gonna look real suspicious.
- I have a 15.
- A 15, okay, that's pretty good.
- I do like the idea that while he does all this,
Kido comes out of the bathroom
and immediately just sees--
(17:51):
- Kido was never going to the bathroom.
He was looking for a storage car.
- Yeah, he hit.
- He comes out from looking for a storage car
and sees Maki behind the desk
and he's like, "Oh, okay."
And he just walks behind the desk.
- And excitedly--
- I guess they've had some time.
Do they find any storage cars?
- You found a storage closet right next to the bathroom,
but when you opened it and you dug around in there,
it's just cleaning supplies for the bathroom.
(18:14):
Yeah, there's a few different plungers in there,
depending on the intensity of the problem,
some scrub brushes, and some various bottles
of different magical chemicals for cleaning.
- So yeah, see, we'll then backtrack
and kind of make his way back to Maki
and the front desk if the coast is clear.
(18:36):
- Right, so Maki, you find a list of the different doctors
and their specialties, and it has kind of a basic map outline
of the building just in case.
For them to hold up and show,
"Oh, usually a doctor's gonna walk them there,
"but for whatever reason or weird circumstances,
"they have the map as backup
"in case they have to send somebody somewhere."
(18:56):
Like, they're visiting.
They're not gonna send a whole doctor or nurse out
to come pick up visitors and be like,
"Let me take you to the room."
Where their loved one is sick or whatever the case, right?
Anyway, so you find a map, you find the information,
and then you do find a set of keys,
and they're all just labeled with like,
one, A, four, C, you know, just a letter and a number.
(19:20):
If you can find the correlating room,
then you have a key to potentially open it.
- Okay.
Well, I assume that they'll keep the morgue in the basement,
so we can find a stairwell.
- Okay, is that what you guys are going for?
- Yeah. - Straight forward.
Okay, okay, so you guys go back
into the doctor's office area,
like where all the exam rooms and things are,
and yeah, you're able to find the stairwell
(19:41):
at the very back.
- Also, I'll look in for a storage closet.
- Okay, all right, roll me a perception check.
- I wanna look for a wheelchair.
(laughing)
- 14. - 14, okay, yeah.
You find a closet, it is labeled one D,
and you check the key chain,
and sure enough, you do have the keys for it,
you open it up, and it is like surgical clothing,
(20:05):
like the hairnet things, the blue,
like you know what I'm talking about?
- The blue, I don't know if there's terminology.
- Cloth, face mask, right, your chief type thing.
- Yes.
- So yeah, we find surgical attire,
I grab three pairs.
- All right, and you guys all quickly put them on
without anybody in the hallway noticing,
so you guys are all now dressed in surgical attire,
(20:27):
and you make a B line for the stairwell.
- Yes. - All right.
And from there, you head down a flight of stairs,
you're in the basement section,
and you take a peek out,
and it seems like it's mostly storage,
but the stairs do continue down further.
- Anything on the map?
But how far we need to go for the morgue?
- Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, if you check the map,
(20:48):
then it just shows there's another floor below this.
So you guys go down the next flight of stairs,
and things are dark down here.
There's one hallway that is lit up with lanterns,
but as you walk down this hallway,
you look to your right or your left,
and occasionally there will be hallways
that just go black on either side of you.
(21:10):
They're just so dark, there's no light illuminating,
and every once in a while, one of these side hallways,
you walk past, and you'll see a little flicker of light,
of like some flame or something like that,
and then it just goes out,
so then it's just pitch black again.
And you go down a little bit further,
and all of a sudden on the walls
of this one lit hallway that you're following,
(21:32):
you see paintings of figures with brightly colored paint
on their faces, and brightly colored wigs
and brightly colored clothing,
like some kind of freaky clowns.
Does the fact that Kido as a kobold has dark vision,
does that change the scenery?
(21:52):
A little bit, so you see down those hallways
that are pitch black, and at the end of each
of these hallways, you see piles
of what looks like broken hospital equipment,
just kind of in a big old pile.
Sounds like a haunted hospital.
It does kind of sound like a haunted hospital,
and as you guys pass by more of these paintings
(22:13):
of these creepy clown figures on the walls,
all the while, sometimes the torches on these walls
that you're following the hallway down
will flicker a little bit, kind of losing a little bit
of the illumination before restoring itself again.
And at the very end of it, you come to two double doors
with the word above it on a sign that simply reads morgue.
(22:34):
Oh, shall we?
See who's all in there?
I don't know if anything is in there.
Wait, give me.
These double doors don't happen to have windows
on them, do they?
No, they just have the words,
don't dead open inside.
No, I'm totally serious.
They're like a light.
All right, I'm gonna cast Prestidigitation
and extinguish the lanterns nearest us.
(22:57):
Oh, okay, well now it's really dark
for those that don't have dark vision.
You say, "Darkness is my ally."
And I just opened the door.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(23:18):
Well, the second you open the door,
it's kind of lit inside the morgue.
So I mean, I don't know if that changes anything for you.
They're raving.
They don't use flames inside.
Do kinkus have dark vision?
I don't think so.
How did you get it?
I am a shadow sorcerer, so I have dark vision.
(23:39):
That's a sorcery.
That's part of that.
Inside the morgue, it's lit up,
but this time it's not lit up by flames.
It's very cold in here,
and that's just not how they would do it.
Instead, they have these strange sort of bioluminescent lights
that keep things illuminated within this room,
which is simply separated by a series of sort of little
(24:02):
sections that are blocked by these sort of plastic walls.
So like if you touched them, it would move and stuff.
Like it's not a wall wall.
It's just like a hanging drape.
Drape, yeah, or like almost like a shower curtain.
Yeah, it's like those plastic shower coons.
In each of these little sectionals is a body
(24:23):
that's being stored with a sort of thin blanket
over top of them.
They're obviously pretty like pale,
maybe even blue and some of the extremities,
and they've got a little tag on the toes.
Fantasy morgues are creepy.
I think real morgues are kind of creepy.
It's like a meat larder.
Can we just find the ones that we need?
(24:43):
And I cast Firebolt into each individual chamber?
I mean, you could try.
Yeah.
It's undetended though.
There's no like--
Oh no, I wasn't there yet.
There are definitely people down here.
You can hear voices muffled,
'cause they're obviously wearing the mask and then you hear,
yeah, that's when they found out that the sewer,
and you can obviously see that he's quite blurted,
(25:04):
and he smells really bad.
How much of Firebolt do I get?
It's just one shot.
Yeah.
How quickly can I cast that?
I think it's instant.
Yeah, it's one action.
So it's like six seconds, not even,
'cause technically six seconds encompasses your entire turn
in a round of combat.
(25:25):
So that would include--
Forgotten combat though.
Well, no, I know, I'm just saying, it's instantaneous.
You shoot the Firebolt out of your finger or whatever.
All right, so we just need to, there's people in the room.
Yes.
When you get them out of the room.
Okay.
I try to listen and determine
how many people I think I hear.
Yeah, it sounds like there's probably two people down here
(25:46):
discussing one of the bodies.
So they're in another room,
are they're behind like one of the partitions?
Yeah, they're behind one of the partitions, yep.
Just like looking at what, apparently a body
that was found in the sewer that's blurted and very smelly.
So over in their direction,
I'm going to cast Darkness.
Oh, using--
(26:06):
Was it the magical darkness?
My special magical darkness,
using two sorcery points.
That's just a pain.
That is a big pain.
So I'm using it, using a class feature.
Okay.
Which allows me to see through it.
Oh, okay, very nice.
All right, so you're casting Darkness.
Where are you casting it in this room?
(26:26):
'Cause it envelopes a pretty decent sized space.
Is it like 30 or 60 feet?
Radius.
30, I believe.
30 radius, okay.
All right, so are you just casting it
in that back corner where they're at?
Oh, it's only, well, yeah.
15 foot radius, so 30 foot--
30 foot diameter, yeah.
Yeah, just over in that area,
15 feet out from the,
(26:47):
the Alcos are probably only like five feet deep or whatever.
So just outside, so it covers their area
and if they moved out,
there would be stumbling around in darkness for like 20 feet.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
No, that makes sense.
Okay, perfect.
So you cast that over there, obviously the half,
let's say it takes up about half
the entire space of the morgue.
So your guys' half is still illuminated
(27:09):
and you guys could look through it,
but with your ability,
you, Maki, would be able to enter the darkness
and still see within it with your special ability.
So--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you just knock the, can you knock them out?
Well, they're currently just trapped
inside of magical darkness at the moment.
(27:30):
So they can't get out?
They can get out, but they can't see
like even which direction is out.
So we got, how long would you say we have?
It's hard to say.
I mean, they're gonna just be like,
you could listen in to like,
hear where they're at in their process
and then that would kind of give you an idea.
If they end up like close to getting out,
just do fog cloud and we can get out of there.
(27:51):
Fair enough.
So we start looking then.
Yeah, you're looking at the bodies on your--
So I need to roll and,
how many, we're looking for Pendleton
and three guards.
Okay.
Right?
And the slicer.
No, maybe.
The other one that you have the murder charge for
is the driver.
So we're looking for five people.
Right.
(28:11):
And we're just gonna firebolt them.
If that's what you wanna do.
Or we can cut their head off.
I mean, I'm just going off of what you're saying.
I mean, I do have--
How long would it take to--
I feel like a simple sword would do the job.
Do we have a sword?
Is there a furnace in here?
Yes.
The easy way.
Let's cut the heads off and throw them in the furnace
(28:32):
or the whole body.
Just make them disappear.
I did play the Mortuary Assistant
and I do know that it is a bit of a process
to burn the body.
It's not like you just throw it in
and you're like, boom, it's gone.
Like it has to burn for a while.
And then also the fact of like getting it.
I mean, it's a whole body.
You gotta drag over there.
All right, let's cut the jaws off.
All right.
(28:53):
So which bodies do you get?
I mean, let's say there's like,
let's say there's five bodies on this half,
five bodies on the other half.
So you got a total of 10 bodies.
Of course there is.
You're looking for five.
That's half the room.
Oh, just take every jaw.
Just take every jaw.
Every jaw from the entire yard.
You just take your rods.
Well, they have a total of--
It'll be marked on our toe.
Like it'll be easy to--
In theory.
In theory.
It would be very easy.
(29:14):
OK, so what is your way to do it?
Because you can speed things along or you can--
We'll do three to time.
We all know who we're looking for.
OK, you're just going to run.
That's what I'm saying, right?
And then two.
OK, OK, so you're just going to cut off every jaw in this?
No, no, no.
We'll pull them out.
Because you just pull it out and they'll
stay right on their toe who it is.
I don't think we care who it is because if we just
kill them all and I kill them all.
But that's going to take more time.
(29:35):
It's going to take plenty of time to look, identify,
and then make the conscious decision versus you just
chop it up and then you have total anonymity.
Like, they don't know that it is potentially
related to this crime spree.
Maki's going to cast Mage Hand and move the desk chair
over in front of the alcove.
So if they come out, they'll trip over.
(29:55):
Yeah.
OK, I like that.
That's good.
That's actually a good point, Keto.
We don't necessarily want to draw suspicion then.
To single out this group of victims.
OK, OK.
So what I want you guys to do is--
OK, so you each run to a body.
What are you using?
Actually, it doesn't really matter what you're using.
You can tell me that when you do it.
Do just an attack roll.
Not one.
(30:15):
Oof.
One weapon, bro.
The body of wolf can beat your fingers up.
23.
23.
Holy crap.
OK.
I'm technically shouldn't these rolls be an advantage
because they're prone?
Technically, yes.
I was just going to-- OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.
72.
All right, 17.
All right.
What weapon are you using?
(30:35):
I don't have a cut-up weapon.
You don't have any kind of weapons?
Oh, wait.
No, I do have knives.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, OK.
So what are they?
Plus what?
I don't have the--
Oh, wait.
Are they in your inventory?
Yeah, they're in my inventory.
So those are just literal knives for cooking and--
I have a staff.
(30:56):
It's just in there just whacking, whacking, whacking.
Just grab a blade from the--
Yeah, just grab a scalpel.
OK, you grab a scalpel.
All right, so I give you--
I mean, they probably have like a bone saw.
Yeah, let's say it's your--
but you're not proficient with it, so you don't get--
I'm not proficient with a knife.
With a scalpel.
It's a sharp knife.
I understand, but that's like the whole point
of having proficiency in weapons.
(31:18):
Whatever the case, it's a 17.
There's still enough to hit, but it's only a 1D4 damage.
That's the problem.
How much damage does it take to pull out?
I'd say more than one, that's for sure.
How much damage does it take to cut a head off?
Do the four.
It's got to-- well, cut the head.
Four.
Oh, all right.
It's just the jaw.
You guys keep saying cut the head off.
If you say cut the head off, I mean, the head's here.
I'm going to have heads show up to the quarter.
(31:40):
And I'm saying this because I'm so annoyed with hearing,
let's cut the head off, let's cut that off.
We've gone through this 100 times.
If the mouth--
The mouth is not destroyed.
That's not what I meant.
You know what I meant.
OK.
For the listeners at home--
That would be hilarious.
--who are so confused, I would get a big kick out of that.
Like, just like--
His head is springing the head.
The lawyer comes in.
He's like, I just want to apologize for their appearance,
but it is necessary for this trial.
(32:02):
Flops head down.
He just brings them all like those shrunken heads
on a big old stick.
Yeah, let me know.
I'll tell you what happened.
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
I saw everything.
I saw everything.
Harry Potter, he got in the double-decker bus.
And I said, let's go, go, go.
OK, so you--
Lil Sauce, you successfully cut off a jaw.
Keto, you rolled like a 20-something.
(32:24):
Rolled the damage for your glaive.
Which is like a 10-foot reach.
So it's almost really complicated.
His head did come off.
I imagine it just comes with a watch.
If they had him stand there with a glaive just
with wearing like black cloak, looking really intimidating,
they'd think, oh my gosh, it's the group reaper here
to collect 12.
Well, OK, well, if I gave it on a four,
(32:46):
I'm going to give it on a 12.
You definitely chopped this jaw, this lower jaw,
completely off.
Really clean, too.
It's almost impressive how cleanly that you managed to do it,
especially with a glaive.
And then Dave, what did Maki get?
I rolled a 16.
16, that works.
He's damning clean.
Five.
Oh, that's enough.
All right, all right.
(33:06):
So you guys get your first set of jaws.
What are you doing with them by the way?
I was going to cut the whole head off.
Oh my gosh, all right, we got the guy cutting the whole head off.
Well, you just cut the jaw because if you cut the head
and they somehow get the head, we're still in trouble.
I mean, unless you've got a plan to four the head.
I mean, you could just toss the heads into the furnace, right?
That's what Maki was going to do.
OK, Maki's cutting the head off jaws,
(33:27):
and they look over at Maki and he's holding the head.
And he's just moving the mouth like, you guys, I got chopped.
Hank, can I just go up to it and rub the jaw off?
I mean, you do an unarmed stretch.
So just roll the D20 again.
Nine.
Add your strength.
Six.
Six.
Six.
You walk up to grab the jaw, and you reach your hand
(33:50):
inside its mouth, and you go to grab,
and you touch the tongue, and you go,
[GROANING]
and you get really grossed out.
As long as we give her the jaw, her burns.
We're good.
All right, so you guys got the first three.
Has he thrown in the fire, though?
No, not yet.
You hear the chair move over at the other end of the room.
I'm going to push these bodies back in.
(34:11):
Yep.
And there's two left.
Are you guys going to go deal with those?
I hear-- I get--
I don't know how quick we can only do those other--
we do those pretty quick.
Yeah, you do those pretty quick.
And they're bouncing in the table.
Are you running the other two bodies?
This is what I'm asking.
Yeah, let's just do the other two bodies.
Who's doing the two bodies?
Keto will do the other.
I think that's a good plan.
Keto's ridiculously capable.
(34:31):
Technically, can't Maki see them?
Yeah.
You see one of them has reached the chair,
and he bumped it a little bit, and he goes, oh, I found a chair.
Are you-- are you even going to go slay its back on?
Are you hearing?
I don't-- I can't see a dang thing.
And then Maki's going to use mimicry and say,
(34:53):
why do I have to turn the lights on?
Why can't you do it?
Well, I'm just thinking you're closer to the lights.
I think this body just touched me.
Well, you think it's coming back?
Well, you better get the spray out.
Well, I can't-- I can't see anything in here to find the spray out.
I'm not going to get the spray if I can't see it.
What did you get?
(35:13):
23.
Roll that damage.
I don't know why I'm even making you roll the damage.
I'm pulling him out, and he's chopping him.
Pull it out, and he's chopping.
Consistent, another 13.
I mean, I don't know why you're complaining.
You chop the jaw right off.
No, it's consistent, yeah.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
Maki was the cast mage hand on the body that's in there with him.
It's so great.
(35:35):
True, I got my shirt.
Sending me, get the spray.
Get the spray.
Do they take one out?
Do they take one out and bash its brains in and take one out?
Not yet.
Not yet.
Yeah, maybe they start doing that.
You just hear him rushing around there.
They're a little bit distracted.
They'll roll the next one with disadvantage there.
That's still pretty good.
But I mean, yeah, the chair is out of the way.
(35:57):
I think when he bumped it, it kind of just
slid across the floor.
But now they're both distracted.
So that was pretty good.
OK, they run up to the next body.
Next body.
Little sauce pulls it out for you.
You go and surgically remove things.
14.
OK, that works.
11.
OK, yep, that works.
All right, you cut off the fifth jaw.
So you guys have the fifth.
(36:17):
You got one head and four jaws.
I'm-- that one head's really making me nervous.
Bakke casts chill touch, which creates like a skeletal hand.
And he starts choking the one.
The gal is like freaking out.
She's like, oh my god, there's a big touch.
And then he's like, shit, that's going.
[COUGHING]
[COUGHING]
(36:39):
And you just hear one person--
That is an attack, I guess.
It is technically an attack.
It's not lethal.
OK, not lethal.
Well, that's what I'm going to do with it.
Oh, no.
I had them all in that one.
OK, OK, it's choking the guy.
And then it's--
I think it just feels a hand on his face.
It's a ghostly skeletal hand.
It's a gentle caress.
Yeah, I was going to say, it's a gentle caress.
(37:01):
And he goes, hey, it sounds--
it's coming for me.
It may not have landed the attack,
but it definitely did what it was--
It's a--
It's a--
It's a dude.
It's a distraction, but it is not an attack.
Which ironically, yeah, it was never been--
It's exactly what it was going for.
It's just a gentle caress against his cheek.
Locky cast my illusion.
It makes like a zombie noise.
[LAUGHS]
(37:22):
Well, if the other baddies are rising,
we need to find the spry.
All right, what are you guys doing at this point?
You've got four jaws and a head.
There's still more that are visible in that--
No.
In the darkness.
The rest are in the darkness.
The rest are in the darkness.
There is a small chance at all five of those
where the ones you're looking for,
but I am assuming that he's not going to make it that easy.
Can you end it at any time?
(37:46):
Yeah.
What if I do fog cloud on the left, the side we're just in?
OK.
And he pushes the two-- because he can see,
so he just pushes them in the fog cloud,
and we just go straight into the darkness,
but the darkness would disappear.
So I cast it.
He can see still.
Him and I just walk towards the darkness,
stand in the corner of the darkness.
(38:07):
He can be like there right here, stand in this corner.
You don't have to convince me.
Right.
I'm saying, all right.
If you get them on board.
Can he just push the bodies out towards us,
and we can dispose of them, since he can see?
But you guys can.
The two people.
So we can like move the dead bodies.
Because they're probably on like little gurneys,
is what I'm assuming.
Well, he was just pulling them out of the--
(38:28):
I just pull them out, and you chop, push.
So you could pull it out and bring a gurney underneath,
which there's one thing I learned from March Grays
assistant is all process.
Then maybe he does it within the darkness.
So you pull the body out from the storage.
You bring the gurney up.
You set the gurney underneath.
And then you basically would pull something
on the storage spot, which would drop the body onto the gurney,
(38:50):
or it rolls them onto the gurney or something.
I don't know.
And then from there, you can move it.
Let's just cast the fog.
We'll go over, and he can push them into the other side.
And then we'll just do our business,
and we can just walk right by him.
Or you can knock them over or something.
Technically, you can like hurt them, push them over,
and hurt them.
Could just knock them out, and then--
That's what I'm saying.
Just go into the darkness and knock them out.
(39:11):
Because they're what?
There's how many bodies over?
There's five on the other side.
So you guys got five.
Is the fire on the other side too?
What fire?
That he's got to throw the head into.
Oh, no.
I'm going to say it's on your guys' side.
Do you want to toss the head in quick?
Tim, I'll start.
Is the head in quick?
Starting the fire.
I toss the head to what are you guys?
All right, here.
I can't even say.
I go here, just chop the head.
(39:31):
Just chop it off.
Just chop it off while he's doing that thing.
That head's scaring me.
For sure, he will dismantle the head.
Man, I'm going to just say you smash the head.
Yep.
To some extent, yeah.
And pretty brutally.
And in the meantime, he's going to start the fire.
All right, what's next?
I go into the darkness, and I grab the body on the right side.
(39:52):
OK.
And I try to drag it off of the thing,
and drag it over to you guys.
You're just going to--
I'm not even going to bother with the gurney.
I'm just going to drop it onto the floor.
Do a strength check for me.
19.
Oh, wow.
OK, yeah.
So you cradle the body and bring it over to the other side
and then flop it down on--
the gurney is on your side.
(40:13):
You just didn't use it.
So you just set it on the gurney,
and then you guys have another body there.
Hi-yah.
At this point, I don't even know why I have keto roll.
Like, you succeed, keto.
You cut the jaw off of it.
There you go.
All right, so there's another one down.
Is there any empty spaces over on the left side?
No.
So we're just going to leave these bodies on the floor.
Well, it's on the gurney.
(40:34):
This one is.
The other ones you put back into their little storage spaces.
This one's just on the gurney.
You could probably faint it as those two morticians kind
of freaking out and then knocking everything over.
Every time they get closer to finding the exit,
he just pulls them back.
I can't--
one of them pops out.
Fog clump.
OK.
(40:54):
All around you.
Yes.
Now him and I can't see.
That none of you three can.
In the fog.
In the fog.
Not in the fog class.
None of you can.
None fog.
What about just on our side of the room, though?
All I'm casting it on is our side of the room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he can't see in the fog.
(41:14):
The fog is all around you.
He can't see in the fog.
He can see in his darkness.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
On the other side of the fog.
That's fine.
As long as he can see in his darkness.
He has to find his darkness.
In his darkness.
No, he brought the body to you guys.
OK, but he wouldn't know which way to walk, though.
Hopefully.
Yeah, well, I mean, I walked towards the darkness.
All right, you walked towards where you remember the darkness
(41:35):
being.
OK, OK.
Oh, oh, and then the guy that--
the gal that just ran in and then all of a sudden the cloud
goes poof.
She goes, oh, no.
I think the--
I think the sewer's gonna be exploded.
It's got a big cloud of stinky gas everywhere.
I mean, I guess this technically isn't stinking gas,
which is a spell.
I have a gas leap.
(41:57):
On her?
OK.
Well, it just does a range.
Oh, so it's just however many hit points,
and then it could hit both of them.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
Does it in what?
The weakest one first.
OK.
How close is Kiro Tamaki?
Probably within 10 feet.
Those are some low rolls this time.
(42:18):
20.
Oh, that's just enough to get both of them.
I was just asking the average person has 10 HP.
Can I drop my fog cloud then, or is it dissipated on its own?
Yes, I believe you can choose.
So they're both asleep.
I release darkness.
I release it to fog.
All right.
I said double time.
They are both asleep.
They're both laying there on the--
I pull out two, and I pull out the bottom two,
(42:38):
and then I just have--
You guys have time to go through the rest of the bodies.
We don't-- we have time, but we never, ever actually
truly have enough time.
Oh, OK.
Hit chomp, chomp, chomp.
So I mean, you guys have--
One, two, three, four, and then we push.
And I would like to go try and get the other body
and put them back on there and push them back in.
OK, OK.
Yep.
You put everything back to the way it was.
(43:00):
You get the jaws.
Now what?
We have the jaw.
We're just going to go and put them in the fire.
OK.
And then I'm going to cast Fire Bolt.
OK.
Just to get it kind of stoked up.
Add some strength to the fire, OK?
And I mean, it does-- it should be fine anyway.
It's not like they can really attach them,
but if we can get rid of the evidence or whatever.
OK.
The teeth are probably still--
and then hopefully it'll be in there long enough
to everything's dust.
(43:21):
And we just need to leave.
Go to the desk, and I scoop up a bunch of papers,
and I throw them in the furnace.
[LAUGHTER]
That's right.
Can't hurt to destroy the evidence.
And then I want you-- the scalpel I originally--
I'd use, and I go put it in the doctor's hand.
There we go.
Quick, guys.
Switch the toe tags.
(43:41):
Good.
Just in case.
All right, so I go over.
I open two, two, and one.
And I just take this one, this one, switch.
Right.
This one, this one, switch, switch.
It wouldn't take more.
You're like the Grinch throwing letters
in people's mailboxes.
It wouldn't take more than--
Like, I'm going to--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you start--
I do this sign--
You mix up all--
Man, dang.
You guys shouldn't have cut the jaws off.
(44:02):
You guys should have just switched the toe tags.
You know how funny that would be?
They bring some dude into the courtroom,
and they can't speak with the dead,
and they're like, what do you know about the murderer?
And he's like, huh?
I'm just a friendly pirate that died--
oh, no, they bring the sewage zombie guy.
And he's like, I don't know.
I got killed and thrown in the sewer.
And they're like, wait a minute.
What is this?
(44:22):
This is a whole new element.
What is it, these guys?
No, I've never seen them guys in my life.
[GRUNTING]
At least, one of us is a little--
He just pops.
Well, all right, so you switch the toe tags.
Let's get out of here.
Yep, OK, all right.
Sounds good.
You guys run back through the hallway.
Is there an exit that we can get out the back or something?
Well, it's in a basement, and then the basement
(44:43):
below the basement.
Yeah, but nobody's going to know anything's going on.
If we just go up and we just leave out the back door.
Yeah, to be fair, I said there was a lot of commotion,
and then I thought about it.
I'm like, they're under the basement.
Like, I don't think anyone knows what goes on down here.
Like, if it weren't for that undead spray they kept talking
about, like, I don't know, this would be like a high risk job.
I was curious what the undead spray did.
We should have grabbed the undead spray too late.
(45:05):
Oh, it's just holy water.
Yeah, it's just--
Probably.
Probably.
Probably.
All right, sounds good.
You guys rush upstairs and--
Go out the back door.
I don't want to go out the same time.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a back door.
There's a fire exit or something like that.
And with that, you guys have dealt with the bodies.
Apologize to you guys.
I know you guys didn't get to jump in on your stuff.
But we will come back to what Dez and Roryk are up to next time.
(45:30):
Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Island Numus,
a Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition actual play podcast set
in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett.
If you've been enjoying our show so far,
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(45:52):
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Or just check us out on our website, sessionzeroheroes.com.
Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you
might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes' other shows,
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(46:13):
Or one of our various one shots, which we are currently coming
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We have all sorts of other content
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(46:34):
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(46:55):
And don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic,
until we roll again.
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, weary traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,
(00:22):
and most importantly, lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I?
You might ask.
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots,
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold.
(00:44):
But let some of the key details blank.
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,
(01:07):
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
of the Session Zero Heroes Presents,
Criminals of Ilanumis.
I don't know why I keep saying that.
I just need to say, criminals of Ilanumis.
That way, you know what you're listening to,
(01:27):
even though you probably already do.
Anyways, with me today, we've got Dave, Plamaki.
We've got Fatty Lumpkin's playing Keto.
We've got Quinn over in the corner,
playing the corner.
Just kidding.
Little sauce.
There he is, represent.
On the other side of the table, we got Jackson.
He's playing Dedez, and Cameron, who's playing Rorik.
(01:49):
And we're going to jump right back into things,
because I'm pretty stoked to see what you guys are going
to do to mess with this court trial.
So here we go.
[AUDIO OUT]
Welcome back.
So when we last left off, you guys,
we're on your second to last day of just messing with this court
(02:11):
trial for Little Sauce, trying to mess with all kinds
of the various evidence, witnesses, and details
to hopefully get an unfair trial for your individual that
will hopefully, by unfair, I mean, swing in your favor.
So you guys found out some details last time.
You found out some things that the prosecution is planning
to use, and you are planning on following those up.
(02:34):
Rorik, you are planning on messing with the horses that
allegedly are going to be part of the witness stand.
Dedez is planning on probably setting fire to,
it seems to be his focus, to wherever the cart is being held
that was found at Little Sauce's house,
and is a primary piece of evidence.
We've got Maki.
(02:54):
We've got Keto.
And then we got Little Sauce are all banding together
to go to the morgue and see what trouble they can
cause to the alleged dead witnesses that
may make an appearance on the witness stand.
So from there, we will start with the crazy undead side
(03:14):
of things at the morgue.
So you guys know where the morgue is located at.
The state has a morgue.
It is guarded, though, of course, by both guards
and especially because situations like this,
where there's a court trial coming up in there,
a necessary piece, which is pretty often actually
in a world full of magic.
Also, the staff inside that work with these bodies.
(03:34):
What is your-- I'm going to keep things kind of general,
not like super detailed with like, oh, you guys sneaking in.
But just like, what is your guys' approach in this situation?
How are you guys going to get inside it?
We'll start with getting inside the morgue.
Well, they're posing as my lawyers, obviously,
which they are my lawyers.
They want to see the evidence.
They should have a right to go see the evidence.
(03:55):
And as they do that, I'm going to sneak in somehow and--
OK, OK.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, OK, we'll start from the bottom.
Just saying, let's go.
Isn't that kind of a slippery slope, though,
because if we claim to be the lawyers--
No, you are my lawyers.
--as we are the lawyers, going to see the witnesses,
them being the dead corpses.
And then they're healthy before we see them.
(04:18):
We go see them.
And then after we see them, they seem
to have lost their heads.
Do we not fall under suspicion at that point?
Dez has a point to make.
And he writes down the fine print of the Speak with Dead spell.
And in the fine print of Speak with Dead,
it said that it cannot be used within 10 days
(04:41):
after using it the first time.
So--
Do any of you have Speak with Dead?
If anyone has Speak with Dead, do it now.
Then it can't be used again for another 10 days.
Well, would they just push the trial back?
They might, but it would give you more time to do more crying.
Do the crime, get more time.
(05:01):
All right, so I got Fog Cloud.
That's what I like to say.
I got Fog Cloud.
It's not Speak with Dead.
I got Spider Climb.
Nope, that's not Speak with Dead either.
And I got Lunge Renews.
I'm not talking about that.
That's also not Speak with Dead.
OK, yeah, no, sorry, sorry.
So--
What areas this morgue in?
That's a good question.
Are there multiple morgues in this?
(05:22):
I mean, it's a big city.
So yeah, it's probably multiple.
So here's the way it works.
So any hospital, like full on hospital,
will have a morgue underneath of it.
In this situation, there is the hospital
that is at or nearest the town hall and the courthouse
and everything like that.
And that is where the city has a contract with them
(05:45):
to store bodies specifically for this purpose.
So they essentially have two morgues at this hospital.
One is for bodies used in courthouse
or for any investigative purposes or whatever the case.
And then the other one is used for their typical hospital
purposes.
So I can hit someone with enlarge and reduce.
(06:07):
I do hope you use that at some point.
That would be very interesting.
I do plan on it here.
Good.
I want to make someone really tiny.
Can I carry them in my pocket?
OK.
Or actually, can I do it to myself?
I think so, yes.
OK, I wasn't sure.
I'm going to do it to myself.
I'll hop in a pocket.
And then when I'm in there and they're inspecting the bodies,
(06:27):
they can just distract.
Because I'm assuming it'll be one doctor in there
or one person in there.
OK.
I can just distract them.
I can hop in the mouth and cut the tongue out.
I was really nervous that you were talking about the ant man
in Thanos' butt hole idea.
And I was getting really nervous.
But again, I feel like that would come right back to--
what?
Who was it?
Who's saying they were concerned about the idea?
(06:49):
Well, they're not going to know I'm even in there.
And if I cut it out, if I just cut it and hop out,
and it's still cut, it's not going to reattach.
OK.
And we have to do that with how many people?
I just want to clarify, because I did say this previously.
And I think it's only fair that I re-mentioned it again,
because Jackson literally rolled for it.
And that is, it said, the corpse must still have a mouth
(07:13):
and cannot be undead.
You would have to take its hold that are.
Yeah, I was going to say, the tongue doesn't matter,
which is why I went, hey, guys, none of this guy let.
And this is needy toughening without moving the tongue.
Like, you can still kind of understand.
You cannot talk without a tongue.
You did just move your tongue.
You cannot talk without a tongue.
(07:34):
So this smorgasbund is in a hospital.
It's under hospital, yes.
I'm thinking that we don't want to just go say that.
We're here to see the bodies.
Yeah, I think it's got to be more covert.
Maybe we pose as orderly, somebody poses as a body.
Des writes on his slate.
It says, convince morgue guy to use spell.
(07:58):
He wouldn't know the fine print?
Well, you would think maybe the mortician
might know the speak with dead spell.
But he wouldn't know the fine print.
And you could convince him, you could be like,
we're cross referencing witnesses,
because that's a thing you do in law, right?
(08:18):
I would just like them not to be,
'cause I don't want them to push a trial back.
We'll claim mistrial.
I think one of us pretends to be dead.
(laughing)
I'm intrigued, I'm intrigued.
Him, little sauce, does anybody have a deep sleep spell?
Oh dude, there is a spell like that.
(08:39):
Why are we doing this?
It's feigned death.
Why are we doing this whole rig of morgue
when we could just fake little sauce's death
and be done with it?
That's actually a great idea.
I mean, you know they're gonna want to either bury
or burn the body pretty quick.
That is when we make a replica scarecrow
and that's what they bring.
And then it becomes a festival.
(09:00):
And again, and I had to think about the trial itself
and how that would work from the point of view
of magic as a normal thing in this world.
I feel like with a spell commonly used, feign of death,
people check.
Like if Romeo and Juliet was a thing
that every teenage couple was doing
across all of the whatever time period that happens in,
(09:23):
I think people would be like,
"Hey guys, let's just drip a little bit
"of the antidote in them.
"I mean, why not?
"Just to see what happens,
"so just to make sure."
All right, at least step one.
Sneak into the hospital
or just go into the hospital.
Step two.
Light the room on fire.
Find some hospital uniforms.
Ah, scrubs.
(09:45):
Yeah, we could be janitors, yeah.
Step three.
Wait for the morgue people to go to lunch.
Question mark, do they eat?
Question mark.
Step four.
Profit.
(laughing)
Now we sneak in there, unseen like in,
(10:07):
take care of the bodies.
Yeah, I don't see any reason to over complicate this.
Just wait for our opening and then take it.
And if there's no opening, make it.
At this point, what have we got till it is?
Let's just go.
All right, so yeah, you go into the hospital.
There's like a front desk reception area.
There's a man there and he says,
"Hello there, how can I help you?
(10:28):
"Are you guys experiencing any sort of sickness or injury?"
Yes, my hand.
Oh, oh no, what's wrong with your hand, sir?
He got bit by a horse.
Oh no, that's been happening a lot lately.
Yes, of course, if you would like to fill out,
he hands you a clipboard with a form on it.
He's like, "If you would like to fill out this form,
(10:49):
"please, about your insurance,
"and then I will get a doctor to head down here shortly."
Okay, but you might not be able to read it very well
'cause it made my writing hand.
Do you need me to, yes, do you need me to write this for you?
No, I could do it.
Okay, if you're sure, I mean,
that's what I'm here for, I'm here to help.
(11:10):
I take the form and go somewhere to fill it out.
Yeah, you go sit in a corner to go fill it out, right?
With your non-dominant hand.
You're just using your mouth to hold the pencil.
Where is your restroom?
Yes, right around the corner here, sir.
Okay.
Please make sure to wash your hands.
There's a lot of sickness going around lately.
Horse blue.
And you go to the restroom?
Go around the corner and just walk past the restroom.
(11:32):
Yeah, okay.
Looking for a storage bin or a linen closet.
I kinda got a pee.
Oh, okay, there's only really one bathroom here for guests.
If you wanna wait, I'll just go with him.
Ask for a bed, though. No.
Who else is around?
There's just a couple of other patients waiting
(11:53):
to be seen, like literally a couple.
Like there's probably like two or three at most.
There's one guy next to you.
There's a horse bite.
Me too.
When he pulls up his shoulder,
he's got this huge like chomp out of it.
And then there's another dude,
a couple other away from you.
And he's like leaning forward up and down.
He's like scratching one of his arms
and he looks over at you.
(12:14):
And then he kind of, he sees you.
And for whatever reason, he seems to,
like as if he noticed, recognizes you,
but not like recognized,
like thinks he knows something about you.
And he scoots one chair closer and he rocks a little bit.
And he scoots one more chair closer.
He says, "Hey man, you got a,
"got any euphoria by chance?"
- Uh, no, I've been trying to find a connection,
(12:37):
but I don't got a dealer.
- Oh, you need a dealer?
I mean, I knew a guy,
he won't sell me anymore, that's a problem.
- Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm always looking,
keeping connections, writing things in my black book.
You know what I mean?
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta keep those contacts close.
Okay, so look, here's the thing,
I'm gonna tell you where he's at,
(12:58):
but you gotta give me just a little bit, okay?
You gotta make sure you help old Stevie
and get some, get his bicks.
It was just a little bit.
He doesn't even have to be a full vial, okay?
So when you go see him, right,
he calls himself, he calls himself the memory priest.
And you can find him on the corner of Sixth's
(13:19):
and Meridian over in the Atlantis Heights District.
You've been over there recently?
- No.
- You know, with the shipyards and stuff,
yeah, you wanna go to Sixth and Meridian
in the Atlantis Heights District.
And you just tell him you're there to remember
and he'll hook you up.
(13:40):
- All right, thanks friend.
And who should I tell him sent me?
- Oh, you can, no, don't tell him anyone's sent you.
You just, trust me, he wants new customers.
He's looking for, he's handing out.
I mean, hold on, hold on.
I will say, I will also say, you know,
if he gives you any trouble, okay, you go to Radicus, okay?
(14:00):
He's gonna make you do some work,
but he'll pay you in euphoria, I heard.
Just, he's kinda, I don't know where he's at these days,
but if you just ask around to anybody,
if you ask any of the scroungers,
any of the scroungers, they'll tell you
the way that you can find Radicus.
They're all working for him these days.
- All right, well, thanks friend.
(14:21):
- Yeah, of course, just like I said,
don't forget about old Steve.
When you get some euphoria, you just bring some old Stevie.
- Don't trust any strange horses now.
I think we both learned our lesson.
- Yeah, that's right.
I see that guy over there and then you got a horse bite.
Man, these horses is going crazy.
He scooches back over a couple of chairs over.
(14:41):
- All right, I get up.
I scribble some stuff on the form, like totally illegible.
- Okay.
- And then I hand the form,
and as I hand it to the front desk attendant,
I drop it on the ground on her side of the desk.
- On his side of the desk?
- Is it his side of the desk?
(15:02):
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, it's a do-right. - Sorry.
- Oh my gosh, I don't want to be sorry about that.
- No, that's totally fine.
You're dealing with a lot, I totally understand.
Let me get that for you.
- As he bends down to pick it up,
using my Meta Magic ability,
subtle spell, I cast Sleep.
- Oh.
(laughs)
(15:23):
All right, we'll roll for how many hit points that affect.
- Good night.
- This is just looking like a normal dude.
- He's a normal dude.
He's just your everyday average guy.
- Isn't Sleep a con saving throw?
- No, yeah, 'cause you're just rolling the hit points,
and if you get to or above his hit points,
he falls asleep.
(15:44):
If you get lower, the only thing that happens
is he knows you tried to cast Sleep on it.
- I got 32.
- 32?
Dude, this guy, he bends over to pick up the clipboard,
and the next thing you know,
he rolls off the chair and just kind of topples
onto the floor in a pile.
This dude is out.
That's like, like, I think the average person
has like 10 hit points.
(16:05):
- Well, to be fair, okay, so I guess
you have to select the point.
I select the point kind of behind him,
so just he's on the edge.
Yeah, yeah, so it doesn't get the other people in the lot.
- It starts in his butt.
And he goes, he leans, I've already got my butters, no.
- So he's just like, all the floors sleep.
- He is out, dude.
He is out for like the breast,
(16:27):
like it's gonna take a thing to wake him
with 30 points of knockout juice.
- I let myself pass the front desk.
- Sure.
- And he's just carried over to the bathroom
where he sauces waiting outside or something.
- Yeah, you guys are, well, you guys
are coming around the corner
and you guys all, the three of you,
(16:48):
just to keep things simple,
the three of you all walk into the hospital area,
like the back area.
- The front desk person has a sleep.
Quick, we need to find a closet
and get some clothes or something.
- Yeah, while you were behind the front desk,
did you happen to find like a directory or a map?
- No, I mean, I could go grab, see.
(17:09):
- Oh yeah, there's like a--
- You didn't grab any keys or anything?
- There's like a little booklet at the front desk
that's like when you go to the zoo
and they have little map things that fold out.
- I'll be right back.
I run back, back to the front desk
and try to look on his desk
and see if there's any like keys or anything.
(17:30):
Open his drawer.
- Roll an investigation check.
- Kido shows it behind him as well.
- I'm there with him.
- Well, hold on.
If all three of you guys are scrounging around
behind the desk, that's gonna look real suspicious.
- I have a 15.
- A 15, okay, that's pretty good.
- I do like the idea that while he does all this,
Kido comes out of the bathroom
and immediately just sees--
(17:51):
- Kido was never going to the bathroom.
He was looking for a storage car.
- Yeah, he hit.
- He comes out from looking for a storage car
and sees Maki behind the desk
and he's like, "Oh, okay."
And he just walks behind the desk.
- And excitedly--
- I guess they've had some time.
Do they find any storage cars?
- You found a storage closet right next to the bathroom,
but when you opened it and you dug around in there,
it's just cleaning supplies for the bathroom.
(18:14):
Yeah, there's a few different plungers in there,
depending on the intensity of the problem,
some scrub brushes, and some various bottles
of different magical chemicals for cleaning.
- So yeah, see, we'll then backtrack
and kind of make his way back to Maki
and the front desk if the coast is clear.
(18:36):
- Right, so Maki, you find a list of the different doctors
and their specialties, and it has kind of a basic map outline
of the building just in case.
For them to hold up and show,
"Oh, usually a doctor's gonna walk them there,
"but for whatever reason or weird circumstances,
"they have the map as backup
"in case they have to send somebody somewhere."
(18:56):
Like, they're visiting.
They're not gonna send a whole doctor or nurse out
to come pick up visitors and be like,
"Let me take you to the room."
Where their loved one is sick or whatever the case, right?
Anyway, so you find a map, you find the information,
and then you do find a set of keys,
and they're all just labeled with like,
one, A, four, C, you know, just a letter and a number.
(19:20):
If you can find the correlating room,
then you have a key to potentially open it.
- Okay.
Well, I assume that they'll keep the morgue in the basement,
so we can find a stairwell.
- Okay, is that what you guys are going for?
- Yeah. - Straight forward.
Okay, okay, so you guys go back
into the doctor's office area,
like where all the exam rooms and things are,
and yeah, you're able to find the stairwell
(19:41):
at the very back.
- Also, I'll look in for a storage closet.
- Okay, all right, roll me a perception check.
- I wanna look for a wheelchair.
(laughing)
- 14. - 14, okay, yeah.
You find a closet, it is labeled one D,
and you check the key chain,
and sure enough, you do have the keys for it,
you open it up, and it is like surgical clothing,
(20:05):
like the hairnet things, the blue,
like you know what I'm talking about?
- The blue, I don't know if there's terminology.
- Cloth, face mask, right, your chief type thing.
- Yes.
- So yeah, we find surgical attire,
I grab three pairs.
- All right, and you guys all quickly put them on
without anybody in the hallway noticing,
so you guys are all now dressed in surgical attire,
(20:27):
and you make a B line for the stairwell.
- Yes. - All right.
And from there, you head down a flight of stairs,
you're in the basement section,
and you take a peek out,
and it seems like it's mostly storage,
but the stairs do continue down further.
- Anything on the map?
But how far we need to go for the morgue?
- Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, if you check the map,
(20:48):
then it just shows there's another floor below this.
So you guys go down the next flight of stairs,
and things are dark down here.
There's one hallway that is lit up with lanterns,
but as you walk down this hallway,
you look to your right or your left,
and occasionally there will be hallways
that just go black on either side of you.
(21:10):
They're just so dark, there's no light illuminating,
and every once in a while, one of these side hallways,
you walk past, and you'll see a little flicker of light,
of like some flame or something like that,
and then it just goes out,
so then it's just pitch black again.
And you go down a little bit further,
and all of a sudden on the walls
of this one lit hallway that you're following,
(21:32):
you see paintings of figures with brightly colored paint
on their faces, and brightly colored wigs
and brightly colored clothing,
like some kind of freaky clowns.
Does the fact that Kido as a kobold has dark vision,
does that change the scenery?
(21:52):
A little bit, so you see down those hallways
that are pitch black, and at the end of each
of these hallways, you see piles
of what looks like broken hospital equipment,
just kind of in a big old pile.
Sounds like a haunted hospital.
It does kind of sound like a haunted hospital,
and as you guys pass by more of these paintings
(22:13):
of these creepy clown figures on the walls,
all the while, sometimes the torches on these walls
that you're following the hallway down
will flicker a little bit, kind of losing a little bit
of the illumination before restoring itself again.
And at the very end of it, you come to two double doors
with the word above it on a sign that simply reads morgue.
(22:34):
Oh, shall we?
See who's all in there?
I don't know if anything is in there.
Wait, give me.
These double doors don't happen to have windows
on them, do they?
No, they just have the words,
don't dead open inside.
No, I'm totally serious.
They're like a light.
All right, I'm gonna cast Prestidigitation
and extinguish the lanterns nearest us.
(22:57):
Oh, okay, well now it's really dark
for those that don't have dark vision.
You say, "Darkness is my ally."
And I just opened the door.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(23:18):
Well, the second you open the door,
it's kind of lit inside the morgue.
So I mean, I don't know if that changes anything for you.
They're raving.
They don't use flames inside.
Do kinkus have dark vision?
I don't think so.
How did you get it?
I am a shadow sorcerer, so I have dark vision.
(23:39):
That's a sorcery.
That's part of that.
Inside the morgue, it's lit up,
but this time it's not lit up by flames.
It's very cold in here,
and that's just not how they would do it.
Instead, they have these strange sort of bioluminescent lights
that keep things illuminated within this room,
which is simply separated by a series of sort of little
(24:02):
sections that are blocked by these sort of plastic walls.
So like if you touched them, it would move and stuff.
Like it's not a wall wall.
It's just like a hanging drape.
Drape, yeah, or like almost like a shower curtain.
Yeah, it's like those plastic shower coons.
In each of these little sectionals is a body
(24:23):
that's being stored with a sort of thin blanket
over top of them.
They're obviously pretty like pale,
maybe even blue and some of the extremities,
and they've got a little tag on the toes.
Fantasy morgues are creepy.
I think real morgues are kind of creepy.
It's like a meat larder.
Can we just find the ones that we need?
(24:43):
And I cast Firebolt into each individual chamber?
I mean, you could try.
Yeah.
It's undetended though.
There's no like--
Oh no, I wasn't there yet.
There are definitely people down here.
You can hear voices muffled,
'cause they're obviously wearing the mask and then you hear,
yeah, that's when they found out that the sewer,
and you can obviously see that he's quite blurted,
(25:04):
and he smells really bad.
How much of Firebolt do I get?
It's just one shot.
Yeah.
How quickly can I cast that?
I think it's instant.
Yeah, it's one action.
So it's like six seconds, not even,
'cause technically six seconds encompasses your entire turn
in a round of combat.
(25:25):
So that would include--
Forgotten combat though.
Well, no, I know, I'm just saying, it's instantaneous.
You shoot the Firebolt out of your finger or whatever.
All right, so we just need to, there's people in the room.
Yes.
When you get them out of the room.
Okay.
I try to listen and determine
how many people I think I hear.
Yeah, it sounds like there's probably two people down here
(25:46):
discussing one of the bodies.
So they're in another room,
are they're behind like one of the partitions?
Yeah, they're behind one of the partitions, yep.
Just like looking at what, apparently a body
that was found in the sewer that's blurted and very smelly.
So over in their direction,
I'm going to cast Darkness.
Oh, using--
(26:06):
Was it the magical darkness?
My special magical darkness,
using two sorcery points.
That's just a pain.
That is a big pain.
So I'm using it, using a class feature.
Okay.
Which allows me to see through it.
Oh, okay, very nice.
All right, so you're casting Darkness.
Where are you casting it in this room?
(26:26):
'Cause it envelopes a pretty decent sized space.
Is it like 30 or 60 feet?
Radius.
30, I believe.
30 radius, okay.
All right, so are you just casting it
in that back corner where they're at?
Oh, it's only, well, yeah.
15 foot radius, so 30 foot--
30 foot diameter, yeah.
Yeah, just over in that area,
15 feet out from the,
(26:47):
the Alcos are probably only like five feet deep or whatever.
So just outside, so it covers their area
and if they moved out,
there would be stumbling around in darkness for like 20 feet.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
No, that makes sense.
Okay, perfect.
So you cast that over there, obviously the half,
let's say it takes up about half
the entire space of the morgue.
So your guys' half is still illuminated
(27:09):
and you guys could look through it,
but with your ability,
you, Maki, would be able to enter the darkness
and still see within it with your special ability.
So--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you commit darkness, leap or--
Can you just knock the, can you knock them out?
Well, they're currently just trapped
inside of magical darkness at the moment.
(27:30):
So they can't get out?
They can get out, but they can't see
like even which direction is out.
So we got, how long would you say we have?
It's hard to say.
I mean, they're gonna just be like,
you could listen in to like,
hear where they're at in their process
and then that would kind of give you an idea.
If they end up like close to getting out,
just do fog cloud and we can get out of there.
(27:51):
Fair enough.
So we start looking then.
Yeah, you're looking at the bodies on your--
So I need to roll and,
how many, we're looking for Pendleton
and three guards.
Okay.
Right?
And the slicer.
No, maybe.
The other one that you have the murder charge for
is the driver.
So we're looking for five people.
Right.
(28:11):
And we're just gonna firebolt them.
If that's what you wanna do.
Or we can cut their head off.
I mean, I'm just going off of what you're saying.
I mean, I do have--
How long would it take to--
I feel like a simple sword would do the job.
Do we have a sword?
Is there a furnace in here?
Yes.
The easy way.
Let's cut the heads off and throw them in the furnace
(28:32):
or the whole body.
Just make them disappear.
I did play the Mortuary Assistant
and I do know that it is a bit of a process
to burn the body.
It's not like you just throw it in
and you're like, boom, it's gone.
Like it has to burn for a while.
And then also the fact of like getting it.
I mean, it's a whole body.
You gotta drag over there.
All right, let's cut the jaws off.
All right.
(28:53):
So which bodies do you get?
I mean, let's say there's like,
let's say there's five bodies on this half,
five bodies on the other half.
So you got a total of 10 bodies.
Of course there is.
You're looking for five.
That's half the room.
Oh, just take every jaw.
Just take every jaw.
Every jaw from the entire yard.
You just take your rods.
Well, they have a total of--
It'll be marked on our toe.
Like it'll be easy to--
In theory.
In theory.
It would be very easy.
(29:14):
OK, so what is your way to do it?
Because you can speed things along or you can--
We'll do three to time.
We all know who we're looking for.
OK, you're just going to run.
That's what I'm saying, right?
And then two.
OK, OK, so you're just going to cut off every jaw in this?
No, no, no.
We'll pull them out.
Because you just pull it out and they'll
stay right on their toe who it is.
I don't think we care who it is because if we just
kill them all and I kill them all.
But that's going to take more time.
(29:35):
It's going to take plenty of time to look, identify,
and then make the conscious decision versus you just
chop it up and then you have total anonymity.
Like, they don't know that it is potentially
related to this crime spree.
Maki's going to cast Mage Hand and move the desk chair
over in front of the alcove.
So if they come out, they'll trip over.
(29:55):
Yeah.
OK, I like that.
That's good.
That's actually a good point, Keto.
We don't necessarily want to draw suspicion then.
To single out this group of victims.
OK, OK.
So what I want you guys to do is--
OK, so you each run to a body.
What are you using?
Actually, it doesn't really matter what you're using.
You can tell me that when you do it.
Do just an attack roll.
Not one.
(30:15):
Oof.
One weapon, bro.
The body of wolf can beat your fingers up.
23.
23.
Holy crap.
OK.
I'm technically shouldn't these rolls be an advantage
because they're prone?
Technically, yes.
I was just going to-- OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.
72.
All right, 17.
All right.
What weapon are you using?
(30:35):
I don't have a cut-up weapon.
You don't have any kind of weapons?
Oh, wait.
No, I do have knives.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, OK.
So what are they?
Plus what?
I don't have the--
Oh, wait.
Are they in your inventory?
Yeah, they're in my inventory.
So those are just literal knives for cooking and--
I have a staff.
(30:56):
It's just in there just whacking, whacking, whacking.
Just grab a blade from the--
Yeah, just grab a scalpel.
OK, you grab a scalpel.
All right, so I give you--
I mean, they probably have like a bone saw.
Yeah, let's say it's your--
but you're not proficient with it, so you don't get--
I'm not proficient with a knife.
With a scalpel.
It's a sharp knife.
I understand, but that's like the whole point
of having proficiency in weapons.
(31:18):
Whatever the case, it's a 17.
There's still enough to hit, but it's only a 1D4 damage.
That's the problem.
How much damage does it take to pull out?
I'd say more than one, that's for sure.
How much damage does it take to cut a head off?
Do the four.
It's got to-- well, cut the head.
Four.
Oh, all right.
It's just the jaw.
You guys keep saying cut the head off.
If you say cut the head off, I mean, the head's here.
I'm going to have heads show up to the quarter.
(31:40):
And I'm saying this because I'm so annoyed with hearing,
let's cut the head off, let's cut that off.
We've gone through this 100 times.
If the mouth--
The mouth is not destroyed.
That's not what I meant.
You know what I meant.
OK.
For the listeners at home--
That would be hilarious.
--who are so confused, I would get a big kick out of that.
Like, just like--
His head is springing the head.
The lawyer comes in.
He's like, I just want to apologize for their appearance,
but it is necessary for this trial.
(32:02):
Flops head down.
He just brings them all like those shrunken heads
on a big old stick.
Yeah, let me know.
I'll tell you what happened.
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
I saw everything.
I saw everything.
Harry Potter, he got in the double-decker bus.
And I said, let's go, go, go.
OK, so you--
Lil Sauce, you successfully cut off a jaw.
Keto, you rolled like a 20-something.
(32:24):
Rolled the damage for your glaive.
Which is like a 10-foot reach.
So it's almost really complicated.
His head did come off.
I imagine it just comes with a watch.
If they had him stand there with a glaive just
with wearing like black cloak, looking really intimidating,
they'd think, oh my gosh, it's the group reaper here
to collect 12.
Well, OK, well, if I gave it on a four,
(32:46):
I'm going to give it on a 12.
You definitely chopped this jaw, this lower jaw,
completely off.
Really clean, too.
It's almost impressive how cleanly that you managed to do it,
especially with a glaive.
And then Dave, what did Maki get?
I rolled a 16.
16, that works.
He's damning clean.
Five.
Oh, that's enough.
All right, all right.
(33:06):
So you guys get your first set of jaws.
What are you doing with them by the way?
I was going to cut the whole head off.
Oh my gosh, all right, we got the guy cutting the whole head off.
Well, you just cut the jaw because if you cut the head
and they somehow get the head, we're still in trouble.
I mean, unless you've got a plan to four the head.
I mean, you could just toss the heads into the furnace, right?
That's what Maki was going to do.
OK, Maki's cutting the head off jaws,
(33:27):
and they look over at Maki and he's holding the head.
And he's just moving the mouth like, you guys, I got chopped.
Hank, can I just go up to it and rub the jaw off?
I mean, you do an unarmed stretch.
So just roll the D20 again.
Nine.
Add your strength.
Six.
Six.
Six.
You walk up to grab the jaw, and you reach your hand
(33:50):
inside its mouth, and you go to grab,
and you touch the tongue, and you go,
[GROANING]
and you get really grossed out.
As long as we give her the jaw, her burns.
We're good.
All right, so you guys got the first three.
Has he thrown in the fire, though?
No, not yet.
You hear the chair move over at the other end of the room.
I'm going to push these bodies back in.
(34:11):
Yep.
And there's two left.
Are you guys going to go deal with those?
I hear-- I get--
I don't know how quick we can only do those other--
we do those pretty quick.
Yeah, you do those pretty quick.
And they're bouncing in the table.
Are you running the other two bodies?
This is what I'm asking.
Yeah, let's just do the other two bodies.
Who's doing the two bodies?
Keto will do the other.
I think that's a good plan.
Keto's ridiculously capable.
(34:31):
Technically, can't Maki see them?
Yeah.
You see one of them has reached the chair,
and he bumped it a little bit, and he goes, oh, I found a chair.
Are you-- are you even going to go slay its back on?
Are you hearing?
I don't-- I can't see a dang thing.
And then Maki's going to use mimicry and say,
(34:53):
why do I have to turn the lights on?
Why can't you do it?
Well, I'm just thinking you're closer to the lights.
I think this body just touched me.
Well, you think it's coming back?
Well, you better get the spray out.
Well, I can't-- I can't see anything in here to find the spray out.
I'm not going to get the spray if I can't see it.
What did you get?
(35:13):
23.
Roll that damage.
I don't know why I'm even making you roll the damage.
I'm pulling him out, and he's chopping him.
Pull it out, and he's chopping.
Consistent, another 13.
I mean, I don't know why you're complaining.
You chop the jaw right off.
No, it's consistent, yeah.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
Maki was the cast mage hand on the body that's in there with him.
It's so great.
(35:35):
True, I got my shirt.
Sending me, get the spray.
Get the spray.
Do they take one out?
Do they take one out and bash its brains in and take one out?
Not yet.
Not yet.
Yeah, maybe they start doing that.
You just hear him rushing around there.
They're a little bit distracted.
They'll roll the next one with disadvantage there.
That's still pretty good.
But I mean, yeah, the chair is out of the way.
(35:57):
I think when he bumped it, it kind of just
slid across the floor.
But now they're both distracted.
So that was pretty good.
OK, they run up to the next body.
Next body.
Little sauce pulls it out for you.
You go and surgically remove things.
14.
OK, that works.
11.
OK, yep, that works.
All right, you cut off the fifth jaw.
So you guys have the fifth.
(36:17):
You got one head and four jaws.
I'm-- that one head's really making me nervous.
Bakke casts chill touch, which creates like a skeletal hand.
And he starts choking the one.
The gal is like freaking out.
She's like, oh my god, there's a big touch.
And then he's like, shit, that's going.
[COUGHING]
[COUGHING]
(36:39):
And you just hear one person--
That is an attack, I guess.
It is technically an attack.
It's not lethal.
OK, not lethal.
Well, that's what I'm going to do with it.
Oh, no.
I had them all in that one.
OK, OK, it's choking the guy.
And then it's--
I think it just feels a hand on his face.
It's a ghostly skeletal hand.
It's a gentle caress.
Yeah, I was going to say, it's a gentle caress.
(37:01):
And he goes, hey, it sounds--
it's coming for me.
It may not have landed the attack,
but it definitely did what it was--
It's a--
It's a--
It's a dude.
It's a distraction, but it is not an attack.
Which ironically, yeah, it was never been--
It's exactly what it was going for.
It's just a gentle caress against his cheek.
Locky cast my illusion.
It makes like a zombie noise.
[LAUGHS]
(37:22):
Well, if the other baddies are rising,
we need to find the spry.
All right, what are you guys doing at this point?
You've got four jaws and a head.
There's still more that are visible in that--
No.
In the darkness.
The rest are in the darkness.
The rest are in the darkness.
There is a small chance at all five of those
where the ones you're looking for,
but I am assuming that he's not going to make it that easy.
Can you end it at any time?
(37:46):
Yeah.
What if I do fog cloud on the left, the side we're just in?
OK.
And he pushes the two-- because he can see,
so he just pushes them in the fog cloud,
and we just go straight into the darkness,
but the darkness would disappear.
So I cast it.
He can see still.
Him and I just walk towards the darkness,
stand in the corner of the darkness.
(38:07):
He can be like there right here, stand in this corner.
You don't have to convince me.
Right.
I'm saying, all right.
If you get them on board.
Can he just push the bodies out towards us,
and we can dispose of them, since he can see?
But you guys can.
The two people.
So we can like move the dead bodies.
Because they're probably on like little gurneys,
is what I'm assuming.
Well, he was just pulling them out of the--
(38:28):
I just pull them out, and you chop, push.
So you could pull it out and bring a gurney underneath,
which there's one thing I learned from March Grays
assistant is all process.
Then maybe he does it within the darkness.
So you pull the body out from the storage.
You bring the gurney up.
You set the gurney underneath.
And then you basically would pull something
on the storage spot, which would drop the body onto the gurney,
(38:50):
or it rolls them onto the gurney or something.
I don't know.
And then from there, you can move it.
Let's just cast the fog.
We'll go over, and he can push them into the other side.
And then we'll just do our business,
and we can just walk right by him.
Or you can knock them over or something.
Technically, you can like hurt them, push them over,
and hurt them.
Could just knock them out, and then--
That's what I'm saying.
Just go into the darkness and knock them out.
(39:11):
Because they're what?
There's how many bodies over?
There's five on the other side.
So you guys got five.
Is the fire on the other side too?
What fire?
That he's got to throw the head into.
Oh, no.
I'm going to say it's on your guys' side.
Do you want to toss the head in quick?
Tim, I'll start.
Is the head in quick?
Starting the fire.
I toss the head to what are you guys?
All right, here.
I can't even say.
I go here, just chop the head.
(39:31):
Just chop it off.
Just chop it off while he's doing that thing.
That head's scaring me.
For sure, he will dismantle the head.
Man, I'm going to just say you smash the head.
Yep.
To some extent, yeah.
And pretty brutally.
And in the meantime, he's going to start the fire.
All right, what's next?
I go into the darkness, and I grab the body on the right side.
(39:52):
OK.
And I try to drag it off of the thing,
and drag it over to you guys.
You're just going to--
I'm not even going to bother with the gurney.
I'm just going to drop it onto the floor.
Do a strength check for me.
19.
Oh, wow.
OK, yeah.
So you cradle the body and bring it over to the other side
and then flop it down on--
the gurney is on your side.
(40:13):
You just didn't use it.
So you just set it on the gurney,
and then you guys have another body there.
Hi-yah.
At this point, I don't even know why I have keto roll.
Like, you succeed, keto.
You cut the jaw off of it.
There you go.
All right, so there's another one down.
Is there any empty spaces over on the left side?
No.
So we're just going to leave these bodies on the floor.
Well, it's on the gurney.
(40:34):
This one is.
The other ones you put back into their little storage spaces.
This one's just on the gurney.
You could probably faint it as those two morticians kind
of freaking out and then knocking everything over.
Every time they get closer to finding the exit,
he just pulls them back.
I can't--
one of them pops out.
Fog clump.
OK.
(40:54):
All around you.
Yes.
Now him and I can't see.
That none of you three can.
In the fog.
In the fog.
Not in the fog class.
None of you can.
None fog.
What about just on our side of the room, though?
All I'm casting it on is our side of the room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he can't see in the fog.
(41:14):
The fog is all around you.
He can't see in the fog.
He can see in his darkness.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
On the other side of the fog.
That's fine.
As long as he can see in his darkness.
He has to find his darkness.
In his darkness.
No, he brought the body to you guys.
OK, but he wouldn't know which way to walk, though.
Hopefully.
Yeah, well, I mean, I walked towards the darkness.
All right, you walked towards where you remember the darkness
(41:35):
being.
OK, OK.
Oh, oh, and then the guy that--
the gal that just ran in and then all of a sudden the cloud
goes poof.
She goes, oh, no.
I think the--
I think the sewer's gonna be exploded.
It's got a big cloud of stinky gas everywhere.
I mean, I guess this technically isn't stinking gas,
which is a spell.
I have a gas leap.
(41:57):
On her?
OK.
Well, it just does a range.
Oh, so it's just however many hit points,
and then it could hit both of them.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
Does it in what?
The weakest one first.
OK.
How close is Kiro Tamaki?
Probably within 10 feet.
Those are some low rolls this time.
(42:18):
20.
Oh, that's just enough to get both of them.
I was just asking the average person has 10 HP.
Can I drop my fog cloud then, or is it dissipated on its own?
Yes, I believe you can choose.
So they're both asleep.
I release darkness.
I release it to fog.
All right.
I said double time.
They are both asleep.
They're both laying there on the--
I pull out two, and I pull out the bottom two,
(42:38):
and then I just have--
You guys have time to go through the rest of the bodies.
We don't-- we have time, but we never, ever actually
truly have enough time.
Oh, OK.
Hit chomp, chomp, chomp.
So I mean, you guys have--
One, two, three, four, and then we push.
And I would like to go try and get the other body
and put them back on there and push them back in.
OK, OK.
Yep.
You put everything back to the way it was.
(43:00):
You get the jaws.
Now what?
We have the jaw.
We're just going to go and put them in the fire.
OK.
And then I'm going to cast Fire Bolt.
OK.
Just to get it kind of stoked up.
Add some strength to the fire, OK?
And I mean, it does-- it should be fine anyway.
It's not like they can really attach them,
but if we can get rid of the evidence or whatever.
OK.
The teeth are probably still--
and then hopefully it'll be in there long enough
to everything's dust.
(43:21):
And we just need to leave.
Go to the desk, and I scoop up a bunch of papers,
and I throw them in the furnace.
[LAUGHTER]
That's right.
Can't hurt to destroy the evidence.
And then I want you-- the scalpel I originally--
I'd use, and I go put it in the doctor's hand.
There we go.
Quick, guys.
Switch the toe tags.
(43:41):
Good.
Just in case.
All right, so I go over.
I open two, two, and one.
And I just take this one, this one, switch.
Right.
This one, this one, switch, switch.
It wouldn't take more.
You're like the Grinch throwing letters
in people's mailboxes.
It wouldn't take more than--
Like, I'm going to--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you start--
I do this sign--
You mix up all--
Man, dang.
You guys shouldn't have cut the jaws off.
(44:02):
You guys should have just switched the toe tags.
You know how funny that would be?
They bring some dude into the courtroom,
and they can't speak with the dead,
and they're like, what do you know about the murderer?
And he's like, huh?
I'm just a friendly pirate that died--
oh, no, they bring the sewage zombie guy.
And he's like, I don't know.
I got killed and thrown in the sewer.
And they're like, wait a minute.
What is this?
(44:22):
This is a whole new element.
What is it, these guys?
No, I've never seen them guys in my life.
[GRUNTING]
At least, one of us is a little--
He just pops.
Well, all right, so you switch the toe tags.
Let's get out of here.
Yep, OK, all right.
Sounds good.
You guys run back through the hallway.
Is there an exit that we can get out the back or something?
Well, it's in a basement, and then the basement
(44:43):
below the basement.
Yeah, but nobody's going to know anything's going on.
If we just go up and we just leave out the back door.
Yeah, to be fair, I said there was a lot of commotion,
and then I thought about it.
I'm like, they're under the basement.
Like, I don't think anyone knows what goes on down here.
Like, if it weren't for that undead spray they kept talking
about, like, I don't know, this would be like a high risk job.
I was curious what the undead spray did.
We should have grabbed the undead spray too late.
(45:05):
Oh, it's just holy water.
Yeah, it's just--
Probably.
Probably.
Probably.
All right, sounds good.
You guys rush upstairs and--
Go out the back door.
I don't want to go out the same time.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a back door.
There's a fire exit or something like that.
And with that, you guys have dealt with the bodies.
Apologize to you guys.
I know you guys didn't get to jump in on your stuff.
But we will come back to what Dez and Roryk are up to next time.
(45:30):
Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Island Numus,
a Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition actual play podcast set
in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett.
If you've been enjoying our show so far,
be sure to like, follow, and subscribe,
wherever it is that you're streaming from,
whether that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube,
(45:52):
or anywhere else the podcast can be streamed.
Or just check us out on our website, sessionzeroheroes.com.
Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you
might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes' other shows,
such as our Benders and Brews and Avatar Legends actual play,
where we jump into the world of Avatar the Last Airbender
and Legend of Korra using the Avatar Legend system created
by Magpie Games.
(46:13):
Or one of our various one shots, which we are currently coming
out with, where we use a variety of games and TTRBG systems
to tell a variety of fun, exciting, emotional, and hilarious
stories within our group.
We have all sorts of other content
that we highly recommend checking out within the SZH
channel and more to come in the future.
To find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes
(46:34):
and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce,
and be made aware of future projects, shows, and content,
be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook,
X, Instagram, and Discord.
These are all great ways to get in contact with our team,
as well as to keep up to date with everything
that we're creating and working on.
We'd love to see you there.
In the meantime, thank you so much for listening.
(46:55):
And don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic,
until we roll again.
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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