December 3, 2025 • 45 mins
As the gang continues their hunt for the two remaining monsters needed to secure Rorick's freedom, they decide to direct their aim at "King Fortunis," a hulking falcon Aarakocra known to have once been a leading member of The Beasts. The gang heads to The Beasts' HQ, a warehouse-sized gym known as The Gridiron, in hopes their target is there. Will they find Fortunis? And more importantly, can they beat him if they do?
- Maki (Quill Smith) - Played by David
- Kenku Shadow Sorcerer
- Keto (Ichthyo "Theo" Glycerskin) - Played by Fatty Lumpkins
- Kobold Echo Knight Fighter
- Feather McGregor - Played by Quinn
- Kenku War Mage Wizard
- Rorick (Fizzlefingers) - Played by Cameron
- Goblin Arcane Trickster Rogue
- Dez (Wingbert Featherbottom) - Played by Jackson
- Kenku Swarmkeeper Ranger
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Credits
Character Art by: comabogbog Music by: Simon Jones Music Additional Music by: Monument Studios
© 2023 Session Zero Heroes. All rights reserved.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[MUSIC]
Hello, Erie Traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but
you have stepped into a realm of my creation.
A sprawling city filled with danger and glory, and most importantly,
(00:24):
lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I, you might ask?
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them,
heroes, made a bet with me that they had when it took to make a
mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank.
(00:48):
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created
with brand new bodies they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations, and join alongside
this posse of pitiful people, or as I like to call them,
(01:12):
the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody.
We're here for another episode of Criminals of Ilanumis.
My name is Skylar.
I'm the host and the Game Master, dungeon master,
except once again, we have not really covered any dungeons,
so there is that.
But anyway, enough about me.
Let's get to the players and their respective characters.
(01:34):
To my right, we've got D'ae, playing Maki.
Look at what Bunga.
Playing Maki, the third guy, Kinku, a sorcerer.
That's right.
Look at my sheep.
What am I again?
Well, he used to be Rogue.
That's true.
Rogue.
Rogue the sorcerer seems like a good transition.
(01:55):
Is that you still playing that sorcerer or prompt as Nick Cage character
that you bought up many moons ago?
He'll come back someday.
And next today, we've got Fatty Lumpkins playing Keto.
Fatty here playing Keto, the cobalt echonite.
That's right.
So I was going to say Druid.
(02:16):
He was a Druid.
He was an elf druid.
Elf druid.
Elf druid.
Elf druid.
I almost thought you were going to say ectoplasmic.
And I was like, whoa.
Next to, well, a crass from Fatty Lumpkins.
We've got Cameron who's playing Rarik.
Hi.
I'm Cameron.
Man, you do that bit like every time.
I've been editing through the episodes.
(02:37):
Every time you get introduced, you're like, oh, didn't I feel like Makaela made fun of
that at some point.
I feel like you am a killer made fun of it.
And I'm going to keep doing it because it's funny bit.
You we bastard.
I thought you were like, hi, I'm Cameron.
Yeah.
And you're Rarik.
Yeah.
Playing Rarik and pass.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Not much to say about Rarik, but hopefully more to be said once the episode begins.
(03:01):
Hopefully can see another one of his best friends or can make a new best friend.
You best friend.
You've made too many friends already.
You're done.
Your friend, this is my, DND is like my space.
You only get like three friends.
Well, sick as I have two currently.
So I'd rule for a third.
Dang it.
I'd rule for a second too.
Lastly, we've got Jackson who is playing decks.
(03:22):
Uh, Dez.
Dez.
Gosh dang it.
I always miss that.
I played Dez.
He was a Trident fighter gone.
Cancun Ranger.
And fun fact about Dez is he used to be monotheistic until the big worm God that he
worshipped got cut in half.
So now is he non.
(03:43):
Now he's polytheistic.
Oh.
The joke's not funny if I have to explain it.
I'm glad you did though.
Cause that's, well you just, you just had to add that he now he's polytheistic and
then that just like, Oh, I see what you did there.
That's good.
That's good.
That's funny.
That's funny.
All right.
And then lastly, lastly joining us today, um, because little sauce is still off on his
(04:05):
own and we'll find out more about that later on.
So Quinn is not here to represent him, but in his stead sort of not really, uh, we have
Connor reoccurring guest Connor.
So Connor, who are you going to be potentially voicing?
Assuming these guys can get their act together and actually get to that character.
Uh, if they can get to my guy, um, I am be going to be playing King Fortunous.
(04:30):
King Fortunous.
I hear he's all that he's been called by a different name.
Uh, so we'll see, uh, what we'll see what he, uh, how he pronounces it.
All right.
Sounds good.
And then the next thing and a surprise to even me, uh, with that being said, we're going
to jump into today's episode.
(04:55):
And we're back.
All right.
Just to kick things off the last time we played, you guys managed to fight and defeat the mitosis
oris.
Um, you then sold the body of the mitosis oris to an individual that a couple of you had
met in the past, a mysterious figure known as Varus shadow caster.
(05:16):
My new, new best friend.
Sure.
Um, from there, you guys just completely went straight over to the nearest magic store,
uh, which was wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
We spent an entire episode at that store.
It was great.
I will admit it was a lot of fun.
Um, but a couple of you stole some wands that were at this shop and I would love personally
(05:40):
to know about those ones.
So I reached out to our community, amazing community on social media and had them send
in a whole bunch of ideas for wands and they did and they were fantastic.
Now keep in mind, these are wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
These are trash wands.
And by that, I mean they're not like your fancy wands that you'd spend a whole bunch of money
on.
(06:00):
These are cheap and, and you know, minimal use wants not to say that what they do is
an amazing and hilarious and great, just that they don't do a lot.
Right.
You're not going to cast fireball with these moan wands, but with that being said, I would
love to know what your wands do.
So to either one of you want to start with telling us, as you guys open up the packaging
(06:22):
for these wands inside, there's a note telling you a full description of what they do.
Uh, you only have two.
You go first.
I can go first.
Uh, my first one is called Wanda Starverse.
Graded by Michael Baker.
Vodka.
Like a clock.
Or a trademark.
Or a starburst.
No, no, I mean it's just a general.
Starburst.
Anyways, you spend one charge.
(06:44):
It's definitely different because I spend one charge to produce a piece of safe, edible
and delicious candy.
That was a castor's choice as long as it's no bigger than five cubic centimeters.
Trick is you cannot make an identical flavor to a previous candy produced that day.
And then at the end of the day, all my charges come back to me.
How many charges does it have?
Well, holy cow.
(07:05):
Make 12 candies a day.
Now it's important that this comes with your...
Why aren't you using them all up immediately?
Sure.
This goes with a lot of responsibility of you, Karen, making up candies as you're summoning
them.
Now I'm copyrightable candy.
That's also true.
Don't tell me you got a Hershey bar.
I don't want to hear about that.
I had a millemic with lemon lime.
(07:26):
DL lemon lime candy.
Lemon lime treat.
That's fine.
That's allowed.
That's allowed.
The first one I got was the wand of Breed garlic by the Thorn Flies podcast.
The wand can be used on any bread to turn into garlic bread when the bread is consumed during
downtime or a short rest.
It restores 1d4 HP for each slice of bread eaten.
(07:49):
For each slice, though, the player takes a minus one to any charisma check moving forward
until they spend a short rest brushing their teeth.
A whole short rest?
That's like around like four...
That's like one to four hours.
Yeah, sit there brushing your teeth for at least a whole hour to get that charisma back.
That'll be interesting.
I'm excited to see if you use that.
(08:09):
All right.
Des, what magic wands did you steal?
I grabbed three wands.
I'm going to not read them in order.
Okay.
That's fine.
The one of the wands that I got was the wand of Fish's mockery made by Whiskey Kitty Studios.
Nice.
When pointed at a fish, you let out a stream of very insulting profanity.
(08:31):
To be clear, it is at the fish.
Yes.
It is in the fish language.
In the fish's mind.
Is what it's...
No, in the fish language makes more sense.
Yeah.
Like, I guess if you were just like another person, like on your canoe sailing by and then
Des...
You just hear him go...
To us, it's ASMR.
(08:53):
To the fish, they're being actively traumatized by the horrific language coming out of this
wand.
Another one that I got is the wand of the Arborist.
And by jamming the wand into the dirt, you cast plant growth to produce a single tree
as a ritual one time at the cost of the wand as a material.
(09:14):
It does not require concentration, verbal or semantic opponents.
So you just jam that wand in the ground and it becomes a tree and then that's it.
But hey, a well-placed tree is a powerful ally.
I know exactly how I'm going to use it.
Oh my gosh.
For the final one, Connor, I must know.
Does your guy wear a belt?
(09:34):
I don't know.
He's definitely shirtless.
I mean, he has a W-A-W-E belt.
Oh, we're having this waste at all times.
For the sake of this wand, I want to say yes.
He wears pants.
I like the idea that he's got a champion's belt like that too.
He's got a huge, like...
He talks like the holster.
(09:55):
He's got three minutes.
So three minutes.
It's a late day.
I would say yes.
He has a hole cool with it.
He's got a brandy's face.
On the cream.
It's fitting with the bone size.
I have made my decision.
He talks like bone size.
I like it.
I like it.
And he does indeed wear a belt.
(10:16):
Yes, he wears a belt.
So what is this wand?
I had to do it.
It's just the wand of in-between belt holes.
It's by Alex is my name, but it's his name.
That was his actual handle too.
The wheeler can expel a charge to target a creature.
The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw against the caster's spell safe, wisdom.
(10:38):
If failed, belts no longer fit properly on the target until midnight the day of the charge
was expelled.
Either the target's pants constantly fall down or the target feels like they are being
cut in half by the belt.
The charge can be restored by wrapping the belt around the belt.
The charge can be restored by wrapping a leather belt around the wand's handle.
(10:59):
The belt is consumed.
So how do you decide if it gets tighter or looser?
I'm going to flip a coin.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
I like that it's not per long rest.
I just didn't finish reading the paragraph when I asked you about it.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Just the cost of a belt.
Right, yeah.
He wears a giant champion WWE belt.
I am going to only be a kleptomaniac for belts from now on.
(11:25):
Every time we're in a general store, that will be my first question.
Skyler is furiously googling how much a leather belt would cost in D&D.
With that being said, you guys are standing with your brand new wands, which you are now
all aware of how they work and what they do.
You guys are standing probably, let's say you walked a block away at least from this
wand shop before you started just looking at the things you stole from them.
(11:48):
And yeah, that's where you guys are at.
What is your guys' plan right now?
It's pretty early in the day, honestly.
You guys kind of just got up not too long ago from a rest.
So Gavin?
No, Gavin went to go pick up his drag cleaning.
Where are you guys headed?
He told you all about King Fortunas, which is on your list to go find.
So where are we going, gang?
Uh, Dez Shrugs.
(12:08):
Are we going to go kill that big bird fella?
Even though Gavin specifically told us not to kill the big bird fella, which only makes
me want to kill the big bird fella even more.
Especially since I'm the toughest guy in town.
Why are you laughing at me?
Did you have a near-death experience against a puppet?
Oh, man.
You gotta bring up.
Oh, man.
(12:29):
Brutal.
Okay, random citizen.
Yeah, this dude's just in there.
Oh, brutal bird.
He told you about that puppet that beat you to crap.
Man.
Wow.
And he just keeps walking.
And as he's walking away, you just hear him go, "Whooey!"
I didn't wake that guy.
He's not going to be your new friend?
(12:50):
He's going on the list.
Him and Hal Hippodum.
So are we going to go kill Kingfark Tutanus or something?
He's over in the Atlantic Heights district.
Speaking of belts, how many days we got left on your belt?
Before it implodes on you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm wearing a belt.
(13:10):
Dez, I see.
There's a proverbial light bulb over here, huh?
I think they had like three days or something.
This would be, technically, this is day one.
He's sitting in the heaven.
(13:32):
I didn't hear nothing.
What is it?
Dez very reverently beholds the belt.
On that he is just unhovered.
Like heavenly light is shined on it.
And Dez writes on his little chalkboard.
He says, "I have an idea."
(13:53):
What is it?
Dez is wiping off his chalkboard.
He writes on it some more.
And it says, "We use the belt wand to potentially loosen your belts."
There's a 50/50 chair.
It's the saws of an hand.
I tried to hear Reitz's intent.
He writes up some more and he goes, "There's a 50/50 chance you could be really uncomfortable."
(14:19):
I hate being uncomfortable.
What does in character hands your guy with?
The house.
I can't read all that.
I can read like a bit of characters.
For you understanding by jargon, I can read now, remember?
Oh, yeah.
Let me hit it.
You can read now.
Okay.
You've been reading all day.
(14:40):
Yeah, I just, it's new to me.
I'm so used to not being able to read.
Okay, so there's a half 50% chance it makes this belt one belt loop looser.
That's good.
I can just squeeze right out of this bad boy.
The other chance it makes it one belt loop tighter causing me to be an extreme painfully
(15:06):
remainder of the day.
Des gets you a thumbs up.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
And I don't tend to be how good an idea is, but I always have great ideas.
Yes, the offense says specifically that the effects of it go away at midnight.
So if you just cast it on the right before midnight, I could squeeze out if it's correct,
(15:29):
but if it's wrong, I'll lay up to suffer for like a minute.
Hmm, loop how?
He's got a point.
Des writes on his chartboard.
What if you can't get out of the belt fast enough?
Well, we're going to like five minutes before and make sure we have lots of butter.
(15:49):
Des nods.
Now, I do have a question.
Do you think that I could just constantly be wrapping belts around this wand to continuously
get charges or is it like one charge?
I think it's able to hold one charge.
You could get an attachment to the put to slide onto the back of the wand to add charge
storage.
(16:10):
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, back to the impovery.
Well, you just gotta be careful.
Once you use that thing, don't tuck it in your belt.
Oh, oh yeah.
Yeah, your pan frame falls out.
It eats it like a noodle.
I would like to roll to.
(16:32):
That's a good way to put in my belt explicitly says you have to wrap it around.
I would like to wait, we could take it out of me and then wrap it around it and it'll
disappear and then they will feel the track.
It's assuming you can get where they go until they want.
Step one guys, step one guys.
(16:53):
You guys have hours before midnight.
Well, we'll get there eventually.
I would like to immediately pick pocket someone's belt to get a belt off.
Some money, some random person.
Okay, I want we're in the middle of town.
There's someone's got to disagree as you're rolling the D 20 for your slight of hand.
(17:14):
I want you to think about how you're going about the idea of stealing a belt right off
a person's waist.
Okay, that is a net one.
Oh my name.
Des is going to do this like ballerina routines where he's like, no, he's doing periods and
little spins here and there as he's in the middle of one of the spins.
(17:35):
He just grabs someone's belt and just rips it.
Can it be that one bystander that interrupted us?
Dude, they're so far gone at this point.
Anyway, no, this is just some random, some old dude with a cane is tossing a coin into
the well and Des just starts doing his ballerina dancing.
He splashing through the water surprises the old man who kind of lunges back a little bit
(18:00):
because a bunch of water comes and sprays up and then you, you like you said, you puree
with your arms out and just grab his belt as he's kind of leaning backwards and it all
just slides right off his belt.
Not the rest of his pants.
Just to clarify, wouldn't his pants then fall off?
Yeah, he takes a step back and his pants off and he's so distracted by the embarrassment.
(18:22):
He doesn't really think about how they fell off or where his belt is.
He just grabs them with his one hand that he doesn't require to be on his cane to keep
him above ground.
It was one of those back belts and then he falls on the ground.
Oh, my back! My back! My back! My wrist came true. It's all turns out to be good.
(18:48):
He like unfolds. Like he had severe scoliosis. It was the 90 degree man. Local legend, 90
degree man. But now, now as he picks himself back up and he stands full height, he says,
I don't feel the need to kill people because of my 90 degree-ness. And he goes and he drops
(19:11):
the cane and he just goes walking off. So there you go. You got a belt and you also miraculously
cured an old man of his severe scoliosis. He's out there and he's just thinking to himself,
what kind of ballerina really helped me out today fixing my back? Well, he probably just
thinks it was the well to be fair. It was just his wish in the well. Don't ask. I'll
(19:33):
never tell. That's right.
How about we go to the Atlantic Heights now? You guys are actually not far. You're on the
same side of the river. We plan when it comes to confronting this drug-ridden falcon. Are
we just going to go pick a fight and hope maybe we can challenge him to a game of chess?
(19:57):
Yeah, but he's dumb. Yeah, he's real dumb. I bet he came and read. So you guys are headed
to the Atlantic Heights district, which is just south of you. You ask someone along the
way. It doesn't matter who or you just look at some kind of a map of the city that would
be publicly displayed like at malls, how they have those those partitions that have like
(20:19):
a whole map on them and they're like, you are here. There's one of those that shows
you're in mediumville and Atlantic Heights district is just south of you. It is it borders
the ocean on this side of the river versus the Gortham district where you were to help
with the McGriddle situation, which is on the other side of the river, but also borders
(20:40):
the ocean.
And so spending, let's say, you know, three hours, you make your way into sort of the
primary section of the Atlantic Heights district. Now, once you arrive in the Atlantic Heights
district, I can give you a little bit of a description of what it looks like. Nestled
along the city's waterfront, Atlantic Heights is a vibrant district that captures the essence
(21:02):
of maritime charm. The bustling dock district buzzes with activity as ships of all sizes
come and go carrying goods and passengers from allegedly distant lands. It embraces a very
nautical theme creating an atmosphere that pays homage to the seafaring adventures and
legends of the various people that populate it. The architecture of Atlantic Heights reflects
(21:23):
a fusion of coastal influences, winding cobblestone streets lead visitors through a maze of bustling
markets where the air is filled with the aroma of fresh caught fish, saltwater, and maybe
above that the enticing sense of local cuisine. I'm not saying that the sense themselves are
pleasant, but they are fresh. And they are local. And they are local. Stoles and shops
(21:49):
line the waterfront and the town leading up to the waterfront, offering an array of nautical
themed crafts, seashell jewelry, maritime memorabilia, and then of course fish, obviously. You
know what I was just about to ask, are there fish that I can insult? Well, most of the
fish you see are dead, but yeah, so that's, I mean, that's a basic gist of the Atlantic
(22:11):
Heights district. It's filled with, it's honestly, it's very similar to the Gortham
district. When you were there, the main difference is that maybe Gortham was a bit smaller and
felt a little bit more condensed so that it doesn't span outwards and therefore is not
as nice. It was a little bit more rough and rowdy. This feels like there's a bit more
(22:33):
culture. There's a little bit more just existence within this part of the city because it's
larger. Is there another fun map that gives us information where things are in this area?
Are you looking for something in particular? Yeah, the gridiron. Yeah, that's not labeled
anyway. I was about to say, yeah, the specific guy we're looking for. You are here. King
(22:55):
Fortunus is here. Now, can I scan the proverbial crowd? Okay. And see if there's a person
that looks like they might be a... Connor, what would you call yourself? A metalhead, a junkie,
a body-hiller, an ego-head? You'd kind of had like a gym... He'd look like a, like a,
(23:18):
like a roid, a roid rage. Roid head. I don't know what it's called. Most of the guy who definitely
looks like he's on steroids. The sauce. So you all look for a lost-the-sauce guy.
Roll, roll, uh, perception? 16. Okay. So you're looking for somebody that's lost in the sauce,
and you see a familiar figure. You said lost in the sauce. Uh, you see a familiar figure.
(23:44):
Big sauce. The guy that bought out little sauce. You do see him and his two cronies,
whose names completely flown over my head by this point, if I ever said them. Weevis in what head?
Yeah, sure. We'll go with that. Anyway, uh, they are standing there, uh,
(24:06):
putting the finishing touches on a little stand that says, "Big sauces, sauce stand,"
and then imprints these underneath Atlantic Heights District. This is the second location.
Oh, cool. I don't know, walk up to them. Do you want me to tell you the other person that you see?
Who's the other person I see? You see a ripped sailor dude. Like he's in one of them, like,
(24:29):
striped stripes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in one of them striped sailor suits. He's got a sailor hat on,
and this dude is tank. So you see this, this hulking tank gif, and he's wearing sort of that
typical striped sailor outfit. He's got a sailor hat on with a little, like, red feather.
He looks like he's wearing Popeye's outfit. He's got the harem pants on. It's great. Anyway,
(24:52):
that's the other person you see. The him now. Gif? The gif? The gif. Okay. All I see is you
do a Popeye impression. Okay. Hi, how are you? Yeah, what on? I'm doing just fine. That's pretty good.
Hey, I got a question for you. You seem like a swarly fella. Yeah, I'm pretty swarly. What are
(25:14):
you? I was a pirate in my former days. Do you like pirates? No, I don't like pirates on the web.
That's fine. I'm not one anymore. Pirates are my worst enemies. Oh, well, good thing I'm not one of them.
Brutal is a pirate. He's a real little stick in the mud. Yeah, pirates are the worst.
Anyways, I had a question for you. Yeah, what do you want? Since you seem to be a bodybuilding.
(25:34):
All right, but you better hurry up because I got to get home to avocado oil.
Do you know where the gridiron is? He starts to look back and forth. He says,
what do you need to do with the gridiron? I need the lifts of weights. We all do. And I point to my
on Teraj let's just see but you
(25:57):
don't look like the tight Fle Vorrell do a athletics check
let's look literally what that's for performance but 7 rather than
that I don't You mean don't give me wrong. You definitely need to
bombsome iron, but I don't know if you're gonna fit in with the
nacho beasts. I'm such a beast. They're beasts. No, no, no,
(26:20):
no, no, no, no, no, no. The gang, the beasts. The gang beasts. Yeah, the
beasts. The gang. Oh, well, how do you leave that to us to the
side? Hey, man, maybe it's your funeral. Okay. Alright, here's
what you want to do. You're gonna go down Main Street and then
you're gonna take a left. Then you're gonna take a left. Then
(26:40):
you're gonna take a left. Then you're not gonna take it to the
left because you're gonna go straight for three straights. Then
I'm gonna get the one on my street because it's an alleyway. And
you're gonna go into that alleyway. There's gonna be a guy
of every about as big as me, probably bigger. Okay. He's a
spinach. He eats this. I eat spinach but I don't need as much
as he does. Okay. This heels are gonna have a lower name.
(27:05):
Olive oil. What? What's he doing to olive oil? I'll punch him.
Smack him. So you said go straight, go left, take a left.
No, I said go down Main Street, then into the left, left, left,
straight. Take a left, go straight. All the way. All the way.
Straight into the alleyway. Spinach. You got spinach? I don't
(27:26):
got spinach. Oh, oh, right. See in the spinach guy. Yeah,
that's what you want to do. And do I have to say a code doing
with something? Uh, no, you probably have to fight him. Why
am I bragging with spinach? Mmm, that might work. Okay. Do
you know where I can get some spinach? Yeah, I'm not gonna
tell you my sauce. That's my spinach. You get your own
spinach. We're in a wait. Mr. What's your name again? My name
(27:50):
is your name is your name is do you want to be my new best
friend? Come talk to me after you've been to the grid. I got
it. We'll do go listen wait. I'm gonna write potential new best
friend acquaintance acquaintance by the and as he walks away,
he you just hear him go. Alright. So that's what you've
(28:13):
garnished. You now have alleged instructions to get you to the
gridiron. Yeah. Oh yeah. So let's I'm gonna follow his
directions but as we're following along, I want to see
if there's a potential spinach stand or something we pass.
Okay. Okay. Okay. They're all empty. Makes sense apparently
with this towel. You uh you don't see any stands for a
(28:35):
spinach. I'm gonna lead the way. Oh, I have a hunch this
burst is actually just a can of spinach. He's not saying no.
Okay. I got a great idea. Just lead us down to the alleyway.
Just follow the direction. Straight down Main Street. Left
left left. Yup. Straight alleyway. Is there a dude at the
(28:57):
end of it in front of the door? There is a figure. Uh it's
kind of dark in the alleyway because they're I mean the
buildings around this area, they're pretty tall and they're
all roofed in such a way so that it leaves a lot of
shadows in the alleyways. So, you see in the distance the
shadows coming down and there's a figure amongst the
shadows and a door that's right next to him. Okay. We are all
(29:20):
gonna walk up to him. Okay. As you approach, you start to look
over this individual and you realize this isn't just a dude.
This isn't just a ripped dude. Although this dude is massive.
It is a warforged. Oh, cool. Hey, hello. Hello. Can we get in
the gym? This is no ordinary gym. Yes. This is correct. I
(29:49):
start flexing. I say, what's for behind me? I go, flex.
Flex with me, boys. Flex with me, homie. Dad just starts just
hoes in the yard. Yeah, I'll show you some flexing and
Maki turns around and mumbles under his breath. Uh,
indentations for silent image. Oh, he takes off his cloak with
(30:14):
his with his back turned and he creates the image of, you
know, just a supular muscular like bodybuilder. Nice.
As broad as a wagon. He brought a wagon? As broad as a wagon.
Roll me an intimidation with advantage. Oh, no.
(30:37):
That's not gonna be good. Wait, intimidation? Yeah.
Actually, it's an 11. 11? Well, he looks over at you and he says,
I can see you are quite strong. Perhaps you would make a great
addition to the package deal. Um, does does have a strength
(30:59):
score of 18. What? If that means anything, I was gonna say, I
would imagine Keto does. Uh, he looks over at the rest of you
and he says, I'm definitely just the wimp of the group. He
says, I will allow you all entrance if you can complete
this one task. What's the task? New 20 pull ups and he
(31:23):
points over and there's there's like a you know how like the
stairs like the fire stairs coming off of a building and
stuff like that. So, there's a set of those in this alleyway
and he just points to one of the bars. I love this. Instead of
doing 20 pull ups, how about a trade? What do you like spinach?
I don't like spinach. I love spinach. Perfect. Okay. So, you
(31:47):
let us in an exchange. I have a piece of salt water tapi that
tastes exactly like spinach. But then it is not spinach. What
it is. He looks at you quizzically. Candy. Cannot
compute. Well, you will be able to compute once you try it.
(32:08):
Proceed. Oh, and I'm going to pull out the magic wand of
Starburst. Okay. And I'm going to open up my hand and I'm
going to pull it along. I'm going to tap my hand and a
greenish salt water tapi is going to appear in my hand and
its flavor profile is spinach. Okay. Okay. Okay. He's
(32:29):
salting us to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He takes it and he he puts
it into his before he takes it. I said, do we have a deal? If
this truly is like spinach, we have a deal. My mouth will be the
judge. Okay. He puts it into his mouth. He starts to eat it.
No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, he likes it. This tastes like
(32:55):
shit. So, it doesn't taste like spinach? This flavor is
unfamiliar to me. Usually spinach is handled in a
mild. Oh, it's time for pull up skies. Mini just just code for
steroids. I think I think it's just his burst.
(33:16):
He started calling it. They call it because the police were
cracking down so hard on it and what's the best way for drug
dealers to get the police off of you? Change the name. Just
change the term. The street term. Um okay. So, you guys
approach this dude. The only person that doesn't is Dave.
Dave, you're clear. Uh uh Maki's clear for uh entrance. It's
(33:38):
just whether these guys get in with him. So, the three of you
using your athletics uh. I argue acrobatic. Yeah, sure.
Because I mean, all things considered like your acrobatics
plus one to plus 12. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I want you guys to get
in, you know, 28. Nice. 23. 23. Uh nine. No. Okay. Well, the
(34:01):
other two of you quickly finish up 20 pull ups. Uh Des is
stuck at nine and then he he just he can't go anymore. You
got jelly arms so bad. Dick deep. Des. Can you like inspire
him or something? I do actually have bardic inspiration but
I'm not sure if that would help in his current situation. I
(34:23):
don't know. You could talk. Yeah, the power of of
encouragement here. It's like go go go. Even encouragement.
Mm. The bardic inspiration. What does that sound like? You got
this Des. If you fail, we'll fail. Okay, what does he what does
he get for that? A D? Just a D six. Okay, so roll the D six.
(34:43):
So, you can add that. It's not going to get you to the 20
that you need but it's going to get you close if someone else
can do anything that help out as well. I don't know if anyone
has any kind of magic. I think it could help her with my four.
Four. Okay. Help them with my invisible maychan too. Sure.
Add a add a D four for the maychan by pushing him up. So, you're
(35:04):
at thirteen so far. Uh three. Three. Okay, so now you're at
sixteen. Uh Kudo sees this. He's going to pull out the
golden wood whistle. Blow his whistle and also send the
little imps are going to show up and he's starting doing like
the Rocky. The Rocky.
(35:25):
Alright, since you guys all I think with with all the pitching
in, I think you're able just like you just barely pull your
chin up and then you just drop but you did manage to do 20.
Well done. You may all enter the grid. Iron. I'm in. We all say
that as the walk-ins. I'm in. One by one as you walk in. I'm
(35:49):
in. I'm in. I'm in.
[Music]
Alright, as you enter the grid, iron, it is exactly what you
would imagine. It is just an entire massive gym with any
(36:10):
kind of workout equipment. Yeah, it's a big warehouse with
gym equipment. Which is exactly what a gym is. It's
open force facing. Yes. Massive building. Yep. It's hard.
It's hard wood though or actually probably be like some kind
of brick or cement even. Some kind of early cement that just
covers the ground. Like they don't they're not like oh man
(36:31):
we're going to cover this in foam or some kind of like rubber
stuff because like well that's for pansies. We're hard.
Whoa. Hey, yo. They're just all walking around with these
giant. No, they'd be smaller because they've all been on
cement. That's so much spinach. Yeah, too much spinach.
That's right. Um no but there are characters from every species
(36:56):
in Dungeons and Dragons in here and all of them are ripped.
And to top that off, they're all looking at you as you pass by
and they're kind of they're not just looking at you. They're
looking down on you except for you. Uh Maki, I think you're
they see you and they'll like they give a little nod. You're
like one guy says, hey, you. Yeah. Nice pecs. Oh, thanks and I
(37:21):
make them dance.
Maki, I didn't know you could do that. So, I still have the
silent image going and I'm just making the image move. Yep.
Make mine. As long as it doesn't make sound, you can do it.
That's awesome. Maki scans the gym for like a like a kitchen
(37:41):
area or somewhere where they're you know, got people making
protein shakes. So, like, oh, 100%. There's this giant rip like
barista looking dude and he's got his he's got his protein
shaker and he's just shaking it all like you would like with a
fancy drink. Shake. He's got a shake weight but on either end
(38:02):
it's just two protein mixer. Are you approaching this? Yeah,
hit over there. And man, what can I get you? You want
something? You want some you want some grow? You want some
beef? What you guys do for pre workout around here? Man, I
got anything you could ever ask for for pre workout. Man, I
(38:23):
got I got pork. I got beef. He's just listing off meats but
he's got shakes. I got well you like them fruity flavors. I
got strawberry. I got peaches and cream. No, uh, don't
mind. He uh, he would uh eat raw eggs. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
(38:45):
See, that's some classic stuff right there. Yeah, I got how
many eggs you want but they weren't just any eggs. He had uh
I don't know how we got him but he had whale eggs. You ever had
a whale egg? No. Me neither but I'd like to try one one day.
What what kind of egg was you gonna say? Yeah, somehow got a
(39:06):
hold of some wyvern. Wyvern? Wow. Now I'm saying somebody go
so crazy in the gym. Oh, now we do it. That would do it. Did
he grow an extra head too? Maybe two, maybe three. I think he
started growing uh look like another appendage like maybe a
tail. Man, if I could grow another bicep, I don't need the
(39:30):
rest of the arm. Just the bicep and I'd be pumping that
thing. You got any uh any specialty eggs? Specialty eggs.
What's what's the best kind of eggs you got here? Uh but the
the best egg I got. I got you. Zomaki is uh he was all the way
over here. He was reading the black tome or whatever it was
(39:51):
called. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh. Pretty homonculus. So, he's
looking for eggs because that's one of the ingredients that
you need. Well, uh I got an owl bear egg. What do you think
about that? Oh, that actually sounds perfect. Yeah. Give it give
it to me whole. I want to eat the shell too. He's hard. You
(40:12):
look. It's the egg. That's why we're all eating eggs in here.
Yeah. Alright. Just totally unrelated to whatever
conversation they were having. It's just like he's hard. As you
pass every guy, Des is just writing on his board. He's
hard. He's just maling. He's telling. Marks for hard guys.
(40:36):
He's hard. One, two, she's hard. She's. Stosterone goes both
ways. Um yeah, he he gives you he gives you this uh this uh
owl bear egg and it's pretty big. It's a big egg. It's
probably about the size of your head almost. Okay.
One bite. One bite. One bite. Oh, let me just clean it off
(41:02):
here. I uh start wiping it down and I'm gonna cast use my uh
sorcery skills to cast subtle spell which I'm gonna do minor
illusion. Oh, okay. To create an image of an object. So an
image of the egg. Oh, and then uh I gotta try to tuck the other
(41:24):
one in my cloak. Okay. We're just gonna roll with it. I will
use um my mimicry skills to create the sound of an egg
cracking as I dip my beak into the spake image to this minor
illusion and then I'll lift it up and and pretend to
(41:45):
pretend to suck out the egg noise and make like
mimicry. It's slurping noises.
Oh, that's to stop you.
And the guy's just like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's
(42:06):
what I'm talking about. That's hard. That's how you get hard.
That's how you get a whole room hard and there's a handful of
other people around you that are like clapping. Oh, yeah, eat
that egg and then all of a sudden from uh a second there's
like a second floor in this warehouse. All of a sudden this
(42:26):
dude just comes flying. He's like reasonably muscular, maybe
not as muscular as some of the others. Um comes flying just
hits the ground just flat onto the ground. He is dead. 100%
He just got thrown from this ledge and then all of a
sudden a second individual comes leaping off the edge slams
(42:47):
into the ground three point pose and before you see this
giant ripped falcon creature. Erick Hocker obviously but
falcon kind of specific direction there with the looks
massive muscles on muscles on muscles. This dude is huge.
Like unnaturally huge and he stands to his full height at
(43:09):
like seven eight. I don't know if that's marked on there but
we're rolling with it. It's probably not. I don't think I
have height on there. I mean we faced him off a guy who was
seven feet tall. That's right. It's perfect. So, he's like
seven eight and he says, Oh, yeah. Was he the Kool-Aid man? Yeah.
(43:29):
And with that, we're going to close out this episode.
Thank you so much for listening to criminals of Island Numus,
a Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition actual play podcast
set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett. If you've
(43:51):
been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and
subscribe. Whatever it is that you're streaming from, whether
that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube or anywhere else
that podcasts can be streamed or just check us out on our
website, SessionZeroHeroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy
coin, you might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes other
shows such as our Benders and Brues and Avatar Legends,
(44:11):
the actual play where we jump into the world of Avatar the
Last Airbender and Legend of Korra using the Avatar Legend
system created by Magpie Games or one of our various one
shots, which we are currently coming out with where we use a
variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun,
exciting, emotional and hilarious stories within our group. We
have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend
(44:33):
checking out within the SZH channel and more to come in the
future to find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes
and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and
be made aware of future projects, shows and content. Be
sure to follow us on social media on Facebook, X, Instagram
and Discord. These are all great ways to get in contact with
(44:54):
our team as well as to keep up to date with everything that
we're creating and working on. We'd love to see you there. In
the meantime, thank you so much for listening and don't
forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.
[Music]
[MUSIC]
Hello, Erie Traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but
you have stepped into a realm of my creation.
A sprawling city filled with danger and glory, and most importantly,
(00:24):
lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I, you might ask?
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them,
heroes, made a bet with me that they had when it took to make a
mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank.
(00:48):
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created
with brand new bodies they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations, and join alongside
this posse of pitiful people, or as I like to call them,
(01:12):
the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody.
We're here for another episode of Criminals of Ilanumis.
My name is Skylar.
I'm the host and the Game Master, dungeon master,
except once again, we have not really covered any dungeons,
so there is that.
But anyway, enough about me.
Let's get to the players and their respective characters.
(01:34):
To my right, we've got D'ae, playing Maki.
Look at what Bunga.
Playing Maki, the third guy, Kinku, a sorcerer.
That's right.
Look at my sheep.
What am I again?
Well, he used to be Rogue.
That's true.
Rogue.
Rogue the sorcerer seems like a good transition.
(01:55):
Is that you still playing that sorcerer or prompt as Nick Cage character
that you bought up many moons ago?
He'll come back someday.
And next today, we've got Fatty Lumpkins playing Keto.
Fatty here playing Keto, the cobalt echonite.
That's right.
So I was going to say Druid.
(02:16):
He was a Druid.
He was an elf druid.
Elf druid.
Elf druid.
Elf druid.
I almost thought you were going to say ectoplasmic.
And I was like, whoa.
Next to, well, a crass from Fatty Lumpkins.
We've got Cameron who's playing Rarik.
Hi.
I'm Cameron.
Man, you do that bit like every time.
I've been editing through the episodes.
(02:37):
Every time you get introduced, you're like, oh, didn't I feel like Makaela made fun of
that at some point.
I feel like you am a killer made fun of it.
And I'm going to keep doing it because it's funny bit.
You we bastard.
I thought you were like, hi, I'm Cameron.
Yeah.
And you're Rarik.
Yeah.
Playing Rarik and pass.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Not much to say about Rarik, but hopefully more to be said once the episode begins.
(03:01):
Hopefully can see another one of his best friends or can make a new best friend.
You best friend.
You've made too many friends already.
You're done.
Your friend, this is my, DND is like my space.
You only get like three friends.
Well, sick as I have two currently.
So I'd rule for a third.
Dang it.
I'd rule for a second too.
Lastly, we've got Jackson who is playing decks.
(03:22):
Uh, Dez.
Dez.
Gosh dang it.
I always miss that.
I played Dez.
He was a Trident fighter gone.
Cancun Ranger.
And fun fact about Dez is he used to be monotheistic until the big worm God that he
worshipped got cut in half.
So now is he non.
(03:43):
Now he's polytheistic.
Oh.
The joke's not funny if I have to explain it.
I'm glad you did though.
Cause that's, well you just, you just had to add that he now he's polytheistic and
then that just like, Oh, I see what you did there.
That's good.
That's good.
That's funny.
That's funny.
All right.
And then lastly, lastly joining us today, um, because little sauce is still off on his
(04:05):
own and we'll find out more about that later on.
So Quinn is not here to represent him, but in his stead sort of not really, uh, we have
Connor reoccurring guest Connor.
So Connor, who are you going to be potentially voicing?
Assuming these guys can get their act together and actually get to that character.
Uh, if they can get to my guy, um, I am be going to be playing King Fortunous.
(04:30):
King Fortunous.
I hear he's all that he's been called by a different name.
Uh, so we'll see, uh, what we'll see what he, uh, how he pronounces it.
All right.
Sounds good.
And then the next thing and a surprise to even me, uh, with that being said, we're going
to jump into today's episode.
(04:55):
And we're back.
All right.
Just to kick things off the last time we played, you guys managed to fight and defeat the mitosis
oris.
Um, you then sold the body of the mitosis oris to an individual that a couple of you had
met in the past, a mysterious figure known as Varus shadow caster.
(05:16):
My new, new best friend.
Sure.
Um, from there, you guys just completely went straight over to the nearest magic store,
uh, which was wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
We spent an entire episode at that store.
It was great.
I will admit it was a lot of fun.
Um, but a couple of you stole some wands that were at this shop and I would love personally
(05:40):
to know about those ones.
So I reached out to our community, amazing community on social media and had them send
in a whole bunch of ideas for wands and they did and they were fantastic.
Now keep in mind, these are wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
These are trash wands.
And by that, I mean they're not like your fancy wands that you'd spend a whole bunch of money
on.
(06:00):
These are cheap and, and you know, minimal use wants not to say that what they do is
an amazing and hilarious and great, just that they don't do a lot.
Right.
You're not going to cast fireball with these moan wands, but with that being said, I would
love to know what your wands do.
So to either one of you want to start with telling us, as you guys open up the packaging
(06:22):
for these wands inside, there's a note telling you a full description of what they do.
Uh, you only have two.
You go first.
I can go first.
Uh, my first one is called Wanda Starverse.
Graded by Michael Baker.
Vodka.
Like a clock.
Or a trademark.
Or a starburst.
No, no, I mean it's just a general.
Starburst.
Anyways, you spend one charge.
(06:44):
It's definitely different because I spend one charge to produce a piece of safe, edible
and delicious candy.
That was a castor's choice as long as it's no bigger than five cubic centimeters.
Trick is you cannot make an identical flavor to a previous candy produced that day.
And then at the end of the day, all my charges come back to me.
How many charges does it have?
Well, holy cow.
(07:05):
Make 12 candies a day.
Now it's important that this comes with your...
Why aren't you using them all up immediately?
Sure.
This goes with a lot of responsibility of you, Karen, making up candies as you're summoning
them.
Now I'm copyrightable candy.
That's also true.
Don't tell me you got a Hershey bar.
I don't want to hear about that.
I had a millemic with lemon lime.
(07:26):
DL lemon lime candy.
Lemon lime treat.
That's fine.
That's allowed.
That's allowed.
The first one I got was the wand of Breed garlic by the Thorn Flies podcast.
The wand can be used on any bread to turn into garlic bread when the bread is consumed during
downtime or a short rest.
It restores 1d4 HP for each slice of bread eaten.
(07:49):
For each slice, though, the player takes a minus one to any charisma check moving forward
until they spend a short rest brushing their teeth.
A whole short rest?
That's like around like four...
That's like one to four hours.
Yeah, sit there brushing your teeth for at least a whole hour to get that charisma back.
That'll be interesting.
I'm excited to see if you use that.
(08:09):
All right.
Des, what magic wands did you steal?
I grabbed three wands.
I'm going to not read them in order.
Okay.
That's fine.
The one of the wands that I got was the wand of Fish's mockery made by Whiskey Kitty Studios.
Nice.
When pointed at a fish, you let out a stream of very insulting profanity.
(08:31):
To be clear, it is at the fish.
Yes.
It is in the fish language.
In the fish's mind.
Is what it's...
No, in the fish language makes more sense.
Yeah.
Like, I guess if you were just like another person, like on your canoe sailing by and then
Des...
You just hear him go...
To us, it's ASMR.
(08:53):
To the fish, they're being actively traumatized by the horrific language coming out of this
wand.
Another one that I got is the wand of the Arborist.
And by jamming the wand into the dirt, you cast plant growth to produce a single tree
as a ritual one time at the cost of the wand as a material.
(09:14):
It does not require concentration, verbal or semantic opponents.
So you just jam that wand in the ground and it becomes a tree and then that's it.
But hey, a well-placed tree is a powerful ally.
I know exactly how I'm going to use it.
Oh my gosh.
For the final one, Connor, I must know.
Does your guy wear a belt?
(09:34):
I don't know.
He's definitely shirtless.
I mean, he has a W-A-W-E belt.
Oh, we're having this waste at all times.
For the sake of this wand, I want to say yes.
He wears pants.
I like the idea that he's got a champion's belt like that too.
He's got a huge, like...
He talks like the holster.
(09:55):
He's got three minutes.
So three minutes.
It's a late day.
I would say yes.
He has a hole cool with it.
He's got a brandy's face.
On the cream.
It's fitting with the bone size.
I have made my decision.
He talks like bone size.
I like it.
I like it.
And he does indeed wear a belt.
(10:16):
Yes, he wears a belt.
So what is this wand?
I had to do it.
It's just the wand of in-between belt holes.
It's by Alex is my name, but it's his name.
That was his actual handle too.
The wheeler can expel a charge to target a creature.
The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw against the caster's spell safe, wisdom.
(10:38):
If failed, belts no longer fit properly on the target until midnight the day of the charge
was expelled.
Either the target's pants constantly fall down or the target feels like they are being
cut in half by the belt.
The charge can be restored by wrapping the belt around the belt.
The charge can be restored by wrapping a leather belt around the wand's handle.
(10:59):
The belt is consumed.
So how do you decide if it gets tighter or looser?
I'm going to flip a coin.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
I like that it's not per long rest.
I just didn't finish reading the paragraph when I asked you about it.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Just the cost of a belt.
Right, yeah.
He wears a giant champion WWE belt.
I am going to only be a kleptomaniac for belts from now on.
(11:25):
Every time we're in a general store, that will be my first question.
Skyler is furiously googling how much a leather belt would cost in D&D.
With that being said, you guys are standing with your brand new wands, which you are now
all aware of how they work and what they do.
You guys are standing probably, let's say you walked a block away at least from this
wand shop before you started just looking at the things you stole from them.
(11:48):
And yeah, that's where you guys are at.
What is your guys' plan right now?
It's pretty early in the day, honestly.
You guys kind of just got up not too long ago from a rest.
So Gavin?
No, Gavin went to go pick up his drag cleaning.
Where are you guys headed?
He told you all about King Fortunas, which is on your list to go find.
So where are we going, gang?
Uh, Dez Shrugs.
(12:08):
Are we going to go kill that big bird fella?
Even though Gavin specifically told us not to kill the big bird fella, which only makes
me want to kill the big bird fella even more.
Especially since I'm the toughest guy in town.
Why are you laughing at me?
Did you have a near-death experience against a puppet?
Oh, man.
You gotta bring up.
Oh, man.
(12:29):
Brutal.
Okay, random citizen.
Yeah, this dude's just in there.
Oh, brutal bird.
He told you about that puppet that beat you to crap.
Man.
Wow.
And he just keeps walking.
And as he's walking away, you just hear him go, "Whooey!"
I didn't wake that guy.
He's not going to be your new friend?
(12:50):
He's going on the list.
Him and Hal Hippodum.
So are we going to go kill Kingfark Tutanus or something?
He's over in the Atlantic Heights district.
Speaking of belts, how many days we got left on your belt?
Before it implodes on you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm wearing a belt.
(13:10):
Dez, I see.
There's a proverbial light bulb over here, huh?
I think they had like three days or something.
This would be, technically, this is day one.
He's sitting in the heaven.
(13:32):
I didn't hear nothing.
What is it?
Dez very reverently beholds the belt.
On that he is just unhovered.
Like heavenly light is shined on it.
And Dez writes on his little chalkboard.
He says, "I have an idea."
(13:53):
What is it?
Dez is wiping off his chalkboard.
He writes on it some more.
And it says, "We use the belt wand to potentially loosen your belts."
There's a 50/50 chair.
It's the saws of an hand.
I tried to hear Reitz's intent.
He writes up some more and he goes, "There's a 50/50 chance you could be really uncomfortable."
(14:19):
I hate being uncomfortable.
What does in character hands your guy with?
The house.
I can't read all that.
I can read like a bit of characters.
For you understanding by jargon, I can read now, remember?
Oh, yeah.
Let me hit it.
You can read now.
Okay.
You've been reading all day.
(14:40):
Yeah, I just, it's new to me.
I'm so used to not being able to read.
Okay, so there's a half 50% chance it makes this belt one belt loop looser.
That's good.
I can just squeeze right out of this bad boy.
The other chance it makes it one belt loop tighter causing me to be an extreme painfully
(15:06):
remainder of the day.
Des gets you a thumbs up.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
And I don't tend to be how good an idea is, but I always have great ideas.
Yes, the offense says specifically that the effects of it go away at midnight.
So if you just cast it on the right before midnight, I could squeeze out if it's correct,
(15:29):
but if it's wrong, I'll lay up to suffer for like a minute.
Hmm, loop how?
He's got a point.
Des writes on his chartboard.
What if you can't get out of the belt fast enough?
Well, we're going to like five minutes before and make sure we have lots of butter.
(15:49):
Des nods.
Now, I do have a question.
Do you think that I could just constantly be wrapping belts around this wand to continuously
get charges or is it like one charge?
I think it's able to hold one charge.
You could get an attachment to the put to slide onto the back of the wand to add charge
storage.
(16:10):
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, back to the impovery.
Well, you just gotta be careful.
Once you use that thing, don't tuck it in your belt.
Oh, oh yeah.
Yeah, your pan frame falls out.
It eats it like a noodle.
I would like to roll to.
(16:32):
That's a good way to put in my belt explicitly says you have to wrap it around.
I would like to wait, we could take it out of me and then wrap it around it and it'll
disappear and then they will feel the track.
It's assuming you can get where they go until they want.
Step one guys, step one guys.
(16:53):
You guys have hours before midnight.
Well, we'll get there eventually.
I would like to immediately pick pocket someone's belt to get a belt off.
Some money, some random person.
Okay, I want we're in the middle of town.
There's someone's got to disagree as you're rolling the D 20 for your slight of hand.
(17:14):
I want you to think about how you're going about the idea of stealing a belt right off
a person's waist.
Okay, that is a net one.
Oh my name.
Des is going to do this like ballerina routines where he's like, no, he's doing periods and
little spins here and there as he's in the middle of one of the spins.
(17:35):
He just grabs someone's belt and just rips it.
Can it be that one bystander that interrupted us?
Dude, they're so far gone at this point.
Anyway, no, this is just some random, some old dude with a cane is tossing a coin into
the well and Des just starts doing his ballerina dancing.
He splashing through the water surprises the old man who kind of lunges back a little bit
(18:00):
because a bunch of water comes and sprays up and then you, you like you said, you puree
with your arms out and just grab his belt as he's kind of leaning backwards and it all
just slides right off his belt.
Not the rest of his pants.
Just to clarify, wouldn't his pants then fall off?
Yeah, he takes a step back and his pants off and he's so distracted by the embarrassment.
(18:22):
He doesn't really think about how they fell off or where his belt is.
He just grabs them with his one hand that he doesn't require to be on his cane to keep
him above ground.
It was one of those back belts and then he falls on the ground.
Oh, my back! My back! My back! My wrist came true. It's all turns out to be good.
(18:48):
He like unfolds. Like he had severe scoliosis. It was the 90 degree man. Local legend, 90
degree man. But now, now as he picks himself back up and he stands full height, he says,
I don't feel the need to kill people because of my 90 degree-ness. And he goes and he drops
(19:11):
the cane and he just goes walking off. So there you go. You got a belt and you also miraculously
cured an old man of his severe scoliosis. He's out there and he's just thinking to himself,
what kind of ballerina really helped me out today fixing my back? Well, he probably just
thinks it was the well to be fair. It was just his wish in the well. Don't ask. I'll
(19:33):
never tell. That's right.
How about we go to the Atlantic Heights now? You guys are actually not far. You're on the
same side of the river. We plan when it comes to confronting this drug-ridden falcon. Are
we just going to go pick a fight and hope maybe we can challenge him to a game of chess?
(19:57):
Yeah, but he's dumb. Yeah, he's real dumb. I bet he came and read. So you guys are headed
to the Atlantic Heights district, which is just south of you. You ask someone along the
way. It doesn't matter who or you just look at some kind of a map of the city that would
be publicly displayed like at malls, how they have those those partitions that have like
(20:19):
a whole map on them and they're like, you are here. There's one of those that shows
you're in mediumville and Atlantic Heights district is just south of you. It is it borders
the ocean on this side of the river versus the Gortham district where you were to help
with the McGriddle situation, which is on the other side of the river, but also borders
(20:40):
the ocean.
And so spending, let's say, you know, three hours, you make your way into sort of the
primary section of the Atlantic Heights district. Now, once you arrive in the Atlantic Heights
district, I can give you a little bit of a description of what it looks like. Nestled
along the city's waterfront, Atlantic Heights is a vibrant district that captures the essence
(21:02):
of maritime charm. The bustling dock district buzzes with activity as ships of all sizes
come and go carrying goods and passengers from allegedly distant lands. It embraces a very
nautical theme creating an atmosphere that pays homage to the seafaring adventures and
legends of the various people that populate it. The architecture of Atlantic Heights reflects
(21:23):
a fusion of coastal influences, winding cobblestone streets lead visitors through a maze of bustling
markets where the air is filled with the aroma of fresh caught fish, saltwater, and maybe
above that the enticing sense of local cuisine. I'm not saying that the sense themselves are
pleasant, but they are fresh. And they are local. And they are local. Stoles and shops
(21:49):
line the waterfront and the town leading up to the waterfront, offering an array of nautical
themed crafts, seashell jewelry, maritime memorabilia, and then of course fish, obviously. You
know what I was just about to ask, are there fish that I can insult? Well, most of the
fish you see are dead, but yeah, so that's, I mean, that's a basic gist of the Atlantic
(22:11):
Heights district. It's filled with, it's honestly, it's very similar to the Gortham
district. When you were there, the main difference is that maybe Gortham was a bit smaller and
felt a little bit more condensed so that it doesn't span outwards and therefore is not
as nice. It was a little bit more rough and rowdy. This feels like there's a bit more
(22:33):
culture. There's a little bit more just existence within this part of the city because it's
larger. Is there another fun map that gives us information where things are in this area?
Are you looking for something in particular? Yeah, the gridiron. Yeah, that's not labeled
anyway. I was about to say, yeah, the specific guy we're looking for. You are here. King
(22:55):
Fortunus is here. Now, can I scan the proverbial crowd? Okay. And see if there's a person
that looks like they might be a... Connor, what would you call yourself? A metalhead, a junkie,
a body-hiller, an ego-head? You'd kind of had like a gym... He'd look like a, like a,
(23:18):
like a roid, a roid rage. Roid head. I don't know what it's called. Most of the guy who definitely
looks like he's on steroids. The sauce. So you all look for a lost-the-sauce guy.
Roll, roll, uh, perception? 16. Okay. So you're looking for somebody that's lost in the sauce,
and you see a familiar figure. You said lost in the sauce. Uh, you see a familiar figure.
(23:44):
Big sauce. The guy that bought out little sauce. You do see him and his two cronies,
whose names completely flown over my head by this point, if I ever said them. Weevis in what head?
Yeah, sure. We'll go with that. Anyway, uh, they are standing there, uh,
(24:06):
putting the finishing touches on a little stand that says, "Big sauces, sauce stand,"
and then imprints these underneath Atlantic Heights District. This is the second location.
Oh, cool. I don't know, walk up to them. Do you want me to tell you the other person that you see?
Who's the other person I see? You see a ripped sailor dude. Like he's in one of them, like,
(24:29):
striped stripes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in one of them striped sailor suits. He's got a sailor hat on,
and this dude is tank. So you see this, this hulking tank gif, and he's wearing sort of that
typical striped sailor outfit. He's got a sailor hat on with a little, like, red feather.
He looks like he's wearing Popeye's outfit. He's got the harem pants on. It's great. Anyway,
(24:52):
that's the other person you see. The him now. Gif? The gif? The gif. Okay. All I see is you
do a Popeye impression. Okay. Hi, how are you? Yeah, what on? I'm doing just fine. That's pretty good.
Hey, I got a question for you. You seem like a swarly fella. Yeah, I'm pretty swarly. What are
(25:14):
you? I was a pirate in my former days. Do you like pirates? No, I don't like pirates on the web.
That's fine. I'm not one anymore. Pirates are my worst enemies. Oh, well, good thing I'm not one of them.
Brutal is a pirate. He's a real little stick in the mud. Yeah, pirates are the worst.
Anyways, I had a question for you. Yeah, what do you want? Since you seem to be a bodybuilding.
(25:34):
All right, but you better hurry up because I got to get home to avocado oil.
Do you know where the gridiron is? He starts to look back and forth. He says,
what do you need to do with the gridiron? I need the lifts of weights. We all do. And I point to my
on Teraj let's just see but you
(25:57):
don't look like the tight Fle Vorrell do a athletics check
let's look literally what that's for performance but 7 rather than
that I don't You mean don't give me wrong. You definitely need to
bombsome iron, but I don't know if you're gonna fit in with the
nacho beasts. I'm such a beast. They're beasts. No, no, no,
(26:20):
no, no, no, no, no, no. The gang, the beasts. The gang beasts. Yeah, the
beasts. The gang. Oh, well, how do you leave that to us to the
side? Hey, man, maybe it's your funeral. Okay. Alright, here's
what you want to do. You're gonna go down Main Street and then
you're gonna take a left. Then you're gonna take a left. Then
(26:40):
you're gonna take a left. Then you're not gonna take it to the
left because you're gonna go straight for three straights. Then
I'm gonna get the one on my street because it's an alleyway. And
you're gonna go into that alleyway. There's gonna be a guy
of every about as big as me, probably bigger. Okay. He's a
spinach. He eats this. I eat spinach but I don't need as much
as he does. Okay. This heels are gonna have a lower name.
(27:05):
Olive oil. What? What's he doing to olive oil? I'll punch him.
Smack him. So you said go straight, go left, take a left.
No, I said go down Main Street, then into the left, left, left,
straight. Take a left, go straight. All the way. All the way.
Straight into the alleyway. Spinach. You got spinach? I don't
(27:26):
got spinach. Oh, oh, right. See in the spinach guy. Yeah,
that's what you want to do. And do I have to say a code doing
with something? Uh, no, you probably have to fight him. Why
am I bragging with spinach? Mmm, that might work. Okay. Do
you know where I can get some spinach? Yeah, I'm not gonna
tell you my sauce. That's my spinach. You get your own
spinach. We're in a wait. Mr. What's your name again? My name
(27:50):
is your name is your name is do you want to be my new best
friend? Come talk to me after you've been to the grid. I got
it. We'll do go listen wait. I'm gonna write potential new best
friend acquaintance acquaintance by the and as he walks away,
he you just hear him go. Alright. So that's what you've
(28:13):
garnished. You now have alleged instructions to get you to the
gridiron. Yeah. Oh yeah. So let's I'm gonna follow his
directions but as we're following along, I want to see
if there's a potential spinach stand or something we pass.
Okay. Okay. Okay. They're all empty. Makes sense apparently
with this towel. You uh you don't see any stands for a
(28:35):
spinach. I'm gonna lead the way. Oh, I have a hunch this
burst is actually just a can of spinach. He's not saying no.
Okay. I got a great idea. Just lead us down to the alleyway.
Just follow the direction. Straight down Main Street. Left
left left. Yup. Straight alleyway. Is there a dude at the
(28:57):
end of it in front of the door? There is a figure. Uh it's
kind of dark in the alleyway because they're I mean the
buildings around this area, they're pretty tall and they're
all roofed in such a way so that it leaves a lot of
shadows in the alleyways. So, you see in the distance the
shadows coming down and there's a figure amongst the
shadows and a door that's right next to him. Okay. We are all
(29:20):
gonna walk up to him. Okay. As you approach, you start to look
over this individual and you realize this isn't just a dude.
This isn't just a ripped dude. Although this dude is massive.
It is a warforged. Oh, cool. Hey, hello. Hello. Can we get in
the gym? This is no ordinary gym. Yes. This is correct. I
(29:49):
start flexing. I say, what's for behind me? I go, flex.
Flex with me, boys. Flex with me, homie. Dad just starts just
hoes in the yard. Yeah, I'll show you some flexing and
Maki turns around and mumbles under his breath. Uh,
indentations for silent image. Oh, he takes off his cloak with
(30:14):
his with his back turned and he creates the image of, you
know, just a supular muscular like bodybuilder. Nice.
As broad as a wagon. He brought a wagon? As broad as a wagon.
Roll me an intimidation with advantage. Oh, no.
(30:37):
That's not gonna be good. Wait, intimidation? Yeah.
Actually, it's an 11. 11? Well, he looks over at you and he says,
I can see you are quite strong. Perhaps you would make a great
addition to the package deal. Um, does does have a strength
(30:59):
score of 18. What? If that means anything, I was gonna say, I
would imagine Keto does. Uh, he looks over at the rest of you
and he says, I'm definitely just the wimp of the group. He
says, I will allow you all entrance if you can complete
this one task. What's the task? New 20 pull ups and he
(31:23):
points over and there's there's like a you know how like the
stairs like the fire stairs coming off of a building and
stuff like that. So, there's a set of those in this alleyway
and he just points to one of the bars. I love this. Instead of
doing 20 pull ups, how about a trade? What do you like spinach?
I don't like spinach. I love spinach. Perfect. Okay. So, you
(31:47):
let us in an exchange. I have a piece of salt water tapi that
tastes exactly like spinach. But then it is not spinach. What
it is. He looks at you quizzically. Candy. Cannot
compute. Well, you will be able to compute once you try it.
(32:08):
Proceed. Oh, and I'm going to pull out the magic wand of
Starburst. Okay. And I'm going to open up my hand and I'm
going to pull it along. I'm going to tap my hand and a
greenish salt water tapi is going to appear in my hand and
its flavor profile is spinach. Okay. Okay. Okay. He's
(32:29):
salting us to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He takes it and he he puts
it into his before he takes it. I said, do we have a deal? If
this truly is like spinach, we have a deal. My mouth will be the
judge. Okay. He puts it into his mouth. He starts to eat it.
No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, he likes it. This tastes like
(32:55):
shit. So, it doesn't taste like spinach? This flavor is
unfamiliar to me. Usually spinach is handled in a
mild. Oh, it's time for pull up skies. Mini just just code for
steroids. I think I think it's just his burst.
(33:16):
He started calling it. They call it because the police were
cracking down so hard on it and what's the best way for drug
dealers to get the police off of you? Change the name. Just
change the term. The street term. Um okay. So, you guys
approach this dude. The only person that doesn't is Dave.
Dave, you're clear. Uh uh Maki's clear for uh entrance. It's
(33:38):
just whether these guys get in with him. So, the three of you
using your athletics uh. I argue acrobatic. Yeah, sure.
Because I mean, all things considered like your acrobatics
plus one to plus 12. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I want you guys to get
in, you know, 28. Nice. 23. 23. Uh nine. No. Okay. Well, the
(34:01):
other two of you quickly finish up 20 pull ups. Uh Des is
stuck at nine and then he he just he can't go anymore. You
got jelly arms so bad. Dick deep. Des. Can you like inspire
him or something? I do actually have bardic inspiration but
I'm not sure if that would help in his current situation. I
(34:23):
don't know. You could talk. Yeah, the power of of
encouragement here. It's like go go go. Even encouragement.
Mm. The bardic inspiration. What does that sound like? You got
this Des. If you fail, we'll fail. Okay, what does he what does
he get for that? A D? Just a D six. Okay, so roll the D six.
(34:43):
So, you can add that. It's not going to get you to the 20
that you need but it's going to get you close if someone else
can do anything that help out as well. I don't know if anyone
has any kind of magic. I think it could help her with my four.
Four. Okay. Help them with my invisible maychan too. Sure.
Add a add a D four for the maychan by pushing him up. So, you're
(35:04):
at thirteen so far. Uh three. Three. Okay, so now you're at
sixteen. Uh Kudo sees this. He's going to pull out the
golden wood whistle. Blow his whistle and also send the
little imps are going to show up and he's starting doing like
the Rocky. The Rocky.
(35:25):
Alright, since you guys all I think with with all the pitching
in, I think you're able just like you just barely pull your
chin up and then you just drop but you did manage to do 20.
Well done. You may all enter the grid. Iron. I'm in. We all say
that as the walk-ins. I'm in. One by one as you walk in. I'm
(35:49):
in. I'm in. I'm in.
[Music]
Alright, as you enter the grid, iron, it is exactly what you
would imagine. It is just an entire massive gym with any
(36:10):
kind of workout equipment. Yeah, it's a big warehouse with
gym equipment. Which is exactly what a gym is. It's
open force facing. Yes. Massive building. Yep. It's hard.
It's hard wood though or actually probably be like some kind
of brick or cement even. Some kind of early cement that just
covers the ground. Like they don't they're not like oh man
(36:31):
we're going to cover this in foam or some kind of like rubber
stuff because like well that's for pansies. We're hard.
Whoa. Hey, yo. They're just all walking around with these
giant. No, they'd be smaller because they've all been on
cement. That's so much spinach. Yeah, too much spinach.
That's right. Um no but there are characters from every species
(36:56):
in Dungeons and Dragons in here and all of them are ripped.
And to top that off, they're all looking at you as you pass by
and they're kind of they're not just looking at you. They're
looking down on you except for you. Uh Maki, I think you're
they see you and they'll like they give a little nod. You're
like one guy says, hey, you. Yeah. Nice pecs. Oh, thanks and I
(37:21):
make them dance.
Maki, I didn't know you could do that. So, I still have the
silent image going and I'm just making the image move. Yep.
Make mine. As long as it doesn't make sound, you can do it.
That's awesome. Maki scans the gym for like a like a kitchen
(37:41):
area or somewhere where they're you know, got people making
protein shakes. So, like, oh, 100%. There's this giant rip like
barista looking dude and he's got his he's got his protein
shaker and he's just shaking it all like you would like with a
fancy drink. Shake. He's got a shake weight but on either end
(38:02):
it's just two protein mixer. Are you approaching this? Yeah,
hit over there. And man, what can I get you? You want
something? You want some you want some grow? You want some
beef? What you guys do for pre workout around here? Man, I
got anything you could ever ask for for pre workout. Man, I
(38:23):
got I got pork. I got beef. He's just listing off meats but
he's got shakes. I got well you like them fruity flavors. I
got strawberry. I got peaches and cream. No, uh, don't
mind. He uh, he would uh eat raw eggs. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
(38:45):
See, that's some classic stuff right there. Yeah, I got how
many eggs you want but they weren't just any eggs. He had uh
I don't know how we got him but he had whale eggs. You ever had
a whale egg? No. Me neither but I'd like to try one one day.
What what kind of egg was you gonna say? Yeah, somehow got a
(39:06):
hold of some wyvern. Wyvern? Wow. Now I'm saying somebody go
so crazy in the gym. Oh, now we do it. That would do it. Did
he grow an extra head too? Maybe two, maybe three. I think he
started growing uh look like another appendage like maybe a
tail. Man, if I could grow another bicep, I don't need the
(39:30):
rest of the arm. Just the bicep and I'd be pumping that
thing. You got any uh any specialty eggs? Specialty eggs.
What's what's the best kind of eggs you got here? Uh but the
the best egg I got. I got you. Zomaki is uh he was all the way
over here. He was reading the black tome or whatever it was
(39:51):
called. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh. Pretty homonculus. So, he's
looking for eggs because that's one of the ingredients that
you need. Well, uh I got an owl bear egg. What do you think
about that? Oh, that actually sounds perfect. Yeah. Give it give
it to me whole. I want to eat the shell too. He's hard. You
(40:12):
look. It's the egg. That's why we're all eating eggs in here.
Yeah. Alright. Just totally unrelated to whatever
conversation they were having. It's just like he's hard. As you
pass every guy, Des is just writing on his board. He's
hard. He's just maling. He's telling. Marks for hard guys.
(40:36):
He's hard. One, two, she's hard. She's. Stosterone goes both
ways. Um yeah, he he gives you he gives you this uh this uh
owl bear egg and it's pretty big. It's a big egg. It's
probably about the size of your head almost. Okay.
One bite. One bite. One bite. Oh, let me just clean it off
(41:02):
here. I uh start wiping it down and I'm gonna cast use my uh
sorcery skills to cast subtle spell which I'm gonna do minor
illusion. Oh, okay. To create an image of an object. So an
image of the egg. Oh, and then uh I gotta try to tuck the other
(41:24):
one in my cloak. Okay. We're just gonna roll with it. I will
use um my mimicry skills to create the sound of an egg
cracking as I dip my beak into the spake image to this minor
illusion and then I'll lift it up and and pretend to
(41:45):
pretend to suck out the egg noise and make like
mimicry. It's slurping noises.
Oh, that's to stop you.
And the guy's just like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's
(42:06):
what I'm talking about. That's hard. That's how you get hard.
That's how you get a whole room hard and there's a handful of
other people around you that are like clapping. Oh, yeah, eat
that egg and then all of a sudden from uh a second there's
like a second floor in this warehouse. All of a sudden this
(42:26):
dude just comes flying. He's like reasonably muscular, maybe
not as muscular as some of the others. Um comes flying just
hits the ground just flat onto the ground. He is dead. 100%
He just got thrown from this ledge and then all of a
sudden a second individual comes leaping off the edge slams
(42:47):
into the ground three point pose and before you see this
giant ripped falcon creature. Erick Hocker obviously but
falcon kind of specific direction there with the looks
massive muscles on muscles on muscles. This dude is huge.
Like unnaturally huge and he stands to his full height at
(43:09):
like seven eight. I don't know if that's marked on there but
we're rolling with it. It's probably not. I don't think I
have height on there. I mean we faced him off a guy who was
seven feet tall. That's right. It's perfect. So, he's like
seven eight and he says, Oh, yeah. Was he the Kool-Aid man? Yeah.
(43:29):
And with that, we're going to close out this episode.
Thank you so much for listening to criminals of Island Numus,
a Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition actual play podcast
set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett. If you've
(43:51):
been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and
subscribe. Whatever it is that you're streaming from, whether
that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube or anywhere else
that podcasts can be streamed or just check us out on our
website, SessionZeroHeroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy
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(44:11):
the actual play where we jump into the world of Avatar the
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shots, which we are currently coming out with where we use a
variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun,
exciting, emotional and hilarious stories within our group. We
have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend
(44:33):
checking out within the SZH channel and more to come in the
future to find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes
and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and
be made aware of future projects, shows and content. Be
sure to follow us on social media on Facebook, X, Instagram
and Discord. These are all great ways to get in contact with
(44:54):
our team as well as to keep up to date with everything that
we're creating and working on. We'd love to see you there. In
the meantime, thank you so much for listening and don't
forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.
[Music]
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