November 7, 2024 • 28 mins
Dan’s Inspiring Journey to Sobriety and life after recovery court | Sober Not Boring I/M FAN Community Forum
In this candid talk, Dan shares his struggles and triumphs on his path to sobriety. He talks about the structural support he received through probation and drug court and how those systems helped him stay on track. Dan also reflects on the challenges of navigating life after these supports were removed and the importance of self-validation and resilience. Through ups and downs, from rebuilding his life and career to finding self-worth, Dan's story is a powerful testament to the possibility of recovery and the necessity of personal growth and gratitude. Join us in celebrating Dan's nearly five years of sobriety and learn valuable insights from his journey.
00:00 A Rocky Start 00:38 Embracing Sobriety 02:05 Life After Probation 05:07 Finding Happiness and Self-Worth 07:44 Career and Personal Growth 15:07 Reflections on Sobriety 19:09 Overcoming Challenges 24:02 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
It started a little rocky,um, as he mentioned.
(00:04):
Uh, my struggles didn't come fromdrug court, sobriety court, probation,
parole, whatever you want to call it.
Um, For me, that was the easy part.
I had structure.
I had AA.
I had a tether.
I had a bank account monitored.
I had a whereabouts monitored,obviously, with the tether.
(00:27):
Um, every piece of my life was monitored.
It was easy.
I couldn't slip up.
I, uh, I didn't want to fail.
But, as time progressed,I got the hang of it.
I loved being sober.
I, uh, I loved everything aboutit, except the weight gain.
(00:49):
I took that real personalin the beginning.
I was always a real fit guy.
Then I actually realized my mark ofsobriety was kind of getting fat.
So, I mean, as these things kindof come along, and you notice your
body changing, the way you think,the way you feel, you embrace it.
Um, You changed the, the biggestthing that was wrong with any of us.
(01:15):
Uh, we just had something thatlived inside of us that just
couldn't say no or I have to.
I've got to have this drug.
I've got to go out and party.
I've got to have the alcohol.
I've got to have the liquor.
I've got to smoke weed.
I, you know, your addiction comes fromall different things and shapes and forms.
(01:36):
But.
As I was saying, the structure frommy probation was the easy part.
Everybody was there.
It was super easy.
I asked a lot of questions.
I wanted to get the sobriety thing.
every second of my day I had somebodyI could call, somebody I could reach
out to on, on many different levels.
(01:57):
I had friends, recovery coaches,pastors, uh, old mentors, old people.
Baseball coaches.
I mean they were all there.
I found that once it was over and you'reout of the spotlight, you have nobody
there cheering you on every week at drugcourt or every meeting you make it to.
(02:23):
That, for whatever reason, waskind of hard for me because it
was almost like, uh, oh, you'rea forgotten thing, you know.
That's great that you got sober.
Cool, you got a few years under your belt.
But mentally, you're almost like,Shit, I can do whatever I want.
There's nobody here to babysit me.
There's nobody here totell me what I can do.
(02:44):
Let's go, let's go try some weed.
Let's, uh, let's go have some beers.
You know, I'm off probation.
I can do this.
I got this.
You know, can't tell me nothing.
I, I just did three years of drug court.
You know, I've got this thing figured out.
You know.
That part I did.
Um, I had some beers when I was released.
(03:07):
I thought about smoking some weedbut I had a real dangerous job and
if I got hurt I would have lost myinsurance and all that fun stuff.
But the things that I struggled withwas, like I said, nobody was there.
Um, but that was a choice I made.
I didn't totally keep in contact.
(03:27):
I didn't relapse.
I was very Very lucky that Inever fell back into drugs.
Um, but when you get out of thespotlight, you know, the limelight that
I used to call it, you're on your own.
You gotta remember that theseresources, the MAC, the AA, this
place down the road, wherever it isthat you may be, where you're from,
(03:49):
you had a resource, you just done didyour time, and you made it through.
You don't need his, hers, or him'spat on the back to get through it.
Pat yourself on the back.
that's your biggest accomplishment.
You know, like me, it was 20years of active addiction.
I didn't need anybodyelse's pat on the back.
(04:13):
I found myself patting myselfon the back because I was proud.
I went from sleeping in mytruck to not having a home.
Not having a damn cluewhat to do with my life.
But I had a job, and I had all sortsof support around me, and Well,
(04:33):
fast forward real quick to threeyears after I had gotten in trouble.
Bought a house, which wasjust phenomenal for me.
I mean, I lived in my truck,like, Until you've laid across the
bench seat of a truck, it sucks.
You got a seatbelt poking you in the back.
(04:54):
You got no food.
I mean, if you can't tell, I'ma big guy and I like to eat.
I mean, flat out.
I was hungry.
I told myself,
I told myself I was never going back.
And,
Here in two months, I can say infive years, I've never gone back.
You know, that's a damn good feeling.
(05:15):
It, it is.
That, that's a, that's a pat on the back.
My life, like I was stating,like, it's hard, you know.
Whether it's work, your relationship,your finances, uh, your personal life.
Like, it, it's tough, you know.
(05:36):
You think when you get sober.
Everything's perfect.
It's, it's not.
It's um, the door opened up to be perfect.
Like I thought I needed friends.
I thought I needed the validationfrom drug court, uh, some type of
recognition, recognition, but it wasn't,
it was, uh,
(05:57):
it was finding every coping mechanismI was ever taught and handed to me to
make it through those difficult times.
Um, yeah.
for instance, since like living, whatI refer to as like the world's best
three years of my life, had a baby,
(06:20):
had a great job.
I mean, I was making more moneythan I knew what to do with,
uh, had a great place to live.
Hadn't bought a truck or anythinglike that yet, but I had a great life.
Um, I landed on my feet.
With a great job where You can makeliterally as much money as you want
(06:41):
seven days a week or however youmay spin it there for a while I Tell
some close friends that you know whenyou're getting sober occupy your time.
I should have Maybe deciphered that alittle bit better because I was chasing in
my head $100, 000 a year Had to have it.
(07:02):
That'd be so cool to have all that money,pay off all my bills and Yada, yada, yada.
It wasn't.
All it did was just break my body down.
I mean beat the shit out of myself.
I, uh, I needed enoughmoney to pay my bills.
And in my head, I thought Ineeded enough money to spoil my
(07:23):
fiancee, spoil my daughter, fixthe house up to make it perfect.
Perfect.
I needed to have a 20, 000 bathroominstead of a 2, 000 bathroom.
I lost focus of what happiness was.
I was trying to buy my happiness.
(07:44):
So, we're going to skip a few parts ofmy little journey and we're going to
fast forward it to just two months ago.
Called off my wedding.
I had a beautiful venue paid for, called,uh, Stuff for the Honeymoon, and so forth.
I was driving to work one morning, itwas a Saturday morning, and, uh, for
(08:09):
whatever reason, driving this brand newtruck, absolutely nothing wrong with
it, all of a sudden my mirror flops tothe side, and it's staring right at me.
I didn't like what I saw,I mean I just, I didn't.
I have a great life, I havenothing to complain about.
(08:30):
But, I wasn't happy, I wasn't,I wasn't happy with my life.
I was unhappy with theway I was living it.
I remember a time when I washappy sleeping in a truck.
Uh, having 20 bucks left overafter I paid my bills to go get
Burger King and some ramen noodles.
I
(08:52):
So I continued the driveon my way into work.
Loaded up my toolbox.
Put it in the back of my truck.
Drove home.
With a plan in my head.
That is all I had.
I had a plan in my head.
I said I wanted to finda reason to smile again.
Because I was miserable.
I was miserable.
Chasing money, never home.
(09:13):
I watched my poor daughter walk,talk, and crawl from my office.
That sucked.
That sucked.
Made me feel like a piece of shit.
I wanted to be home more.
You know, like I said,I had lost my fiancee.
I was watching her growup through my phone.
Couldn't have it.
I had a plan in my head though.
(09:36):
I, uh, I said, you know what?
It's been a long, longtime since I bet on myself.
I threw a Hail Mary of a job applicationat a job, um, to shop supervisor working
directly with the engineers, where I canuse my brain, not so much my back anymore.
(09:59):
Um, before I got home from Grand Rapids.
Thanks.
They called me on a Saturday.
Like this, this is some BS.
There ain't no way thisplace is calling me.
They said, hey, can you stop in on Monday?
I said, yeah, I'll be there.
I don't have anything to do.
They don't know that I just quit my job.
(10:20):
No idea.
So, rolled into this interview.
By the grace of God, I nailed it.
I mean, I fucking hit thisthing out of the park.
We'll do a little backstory.
My God, this place just Youknow, it's not a fancy shop.
It's not nothing.
It was offering me 40 hours a week,good money, I could be home more, and
(10:46):
less than one third of the drive I wasmaking back and forth to Grand Rapids.
So, I'll fast forward a little bit.
Landed a second interview.
These folks were rather impressedthey uh, they kind of wanted to make
sure that they weren't seeing intoLike the headlights or something.
(11:07):
So they had AutoCAD sitting out on thecomputer for me They had steel sitting up.
They wanted to know if I could weld.
Who deserves a shoutoutfor their progress?
Let’s celebrate each other’s successes!
🎉 Comment below withsomeone you want to cheer on.
I thought it was rather weirdThat if anybody here knows about
(11:28):
welding, there's MIG, TIG, and STICK.
Usually when an employer wants toweld test you, they'll give you, say,
a big thick piece of metal and handyou a MIG gun and ask you to weld it.
I got handed three pieces of metalwith three different machines, and I
was like, All right, well, screw it.
Let's weld.
(11:50):
So I weld.
They loved it.
Pulled up a program on AutoCAD.
Drew exactly what they had asked.
Then I said, Do you want it, youknow, sent over to the laser and I go,
we'll cut it out and we'll build it.
I drew a smiley face with some legs.
It was something retarded on AutoCAD,but they wanted to see that I
(12:10):
knew how to operate the program.
So, that was a Wednesday.
Got home.
I live in Ionia.
The building's not too far away.
So we're talking in a matterof 15 18 minutes, I had gotten
(12:30):
a call back from these guys.
Mind you, I threw enough money at themfor what I said I wanted in order for
me to cover what I needed, still tuckaway a little bit and live comfortably,
and still be home all the time.
And they called me back andthey offered me the job.
(12:54):
That following Monday,I started my first day.
I had met with a friend in betweenthat Wednesday and a Monday and you
know, he's like, yeah, it's a good job.
I worked there once before I'm retired.
You might still find some of mydrawings on some of the prints
that you're going to touch.
(13:15):
So my first day I'm digging throughprints cause I wanted to find my
buddy's name on those AutoCAD designsor blueprints or what have you.
I find another namethat was stuck in there.
The gentleman had thelast name of Krieger.
Anybody that's been in theIonia or Montcalm Community,
they remember the name Krieger.
(13:36):
I found out that Judge Krieger'shusband had worked there.
So now here's the kicker.
My close friend and rolemodel was the engineer.
I landed a job where JudgeKrieger's husband worked.
My close friend and mentor.
And you ever have those like epiphanymoments in your life where you're
(13:58):
like, this is where I'm supposed to be.
This is what I'm doing.
This is, this is howthis is supposed to go.
And it was that holy shit moment.
You know, My prayers were answered.
My hopes were heard.
Um, I have a higher power, so I pray.
That shit was answered.
That was answered in a big, big way.
(14:20):
First thing I do is get on the phonewith my buddy and say, Hey, got it.
Nailed it.
Got the job.
Besides the fact that he wassuper happy about it, I had
never felt like I was more home.
Um, one of my mentors, uh,Judge Krieger was a huge mentor.
That woman walked me through someof the hardest times of my life.
(14:42):
I mean, she was there.
She didn't ever once cut me some slack.
Everything that I got, I earned.
And that was a great damn feeling.
Um, so there I am.
Landed in this great job.
Got my life together.
Got a new truck.
Rebuilding my house.
(15:02):
Something's still off.
Still to this day.
It's not that I'm unhappy being sober.
It's not that I need todrink to find happiness.
It's not that I needto do drugs to find it.
As the days progressed, Ifind out that it's just me.
Um, I was struggling with,like, your own self worth.
I still have it in the back ofmy head after almost five years.
(15:25):
I'm a piece of shit.
I did drugs.
I hurt my mom.
I hurt my brothers.
I hurt my friends.
You know, it's, it's a lot to grasp.
The sooner you can grasp it, the better.
Um, like I was telling youin the very beginning of this
conversation is, probation was easy.
(15:46):
I should have, in the verybeginning, planned and learned
how to live life on life's terms.
And, and that's it.
There's, there's no, uh, easy way throughlife, but I found self worth in myself
and absolutely everything that I did I'veLike I said, this was just three weeks ago
(16:07):
You know, I thought I was so in love andmy life was over after I lost my fiancee,
you know We decided not to get married
There was frost on the ground the otherday that's what cheered me up I'm a
big hunter I saw that I rolled overand You Saw that beautiful creature
back there drooling all over my pillow.
(16:27):
Super grateful.
Didn't give a shit.
Brand new sheets.
But what I'm getting at is Ifound a reason to be happy.
It reminded me I was happy with,
I was happy with my truck.
With no food.
(16:48):
Sitting on E.
But I was sober.
And everything clicked.
It's like, man, family's healthy.
We're all doing good.
Still sober.
Got a great job and a great family.
Got a great life.
What was wrong in all of thatfrom the very beginning to
(17:11):
where I'm standing today, it was
I wasn't unhappy with myself.
I was ungrateful.
Ungrateful to the core.
You want to talk aboutmissing your blessings.
That's, uh, that was a rude awakening.
Still gives me chills thinking about it.
(17:31):
I'm like, man, again,what a piece of shit, man.
How can you not be grateful?
I have friends right now thatare still, still running.
I mean, just running ragged.
They're high as hell.
Drunker and shit.
No job, no purpose.
I ain't seen their kids in however long.
But it can all change.
(17:51):
I lost my kids when Igot high all the time.
I knew they were better off with theirmom because they'd be surrounded by drugs.
And the culmination of four years offighting non stop and getting nowhere.
To see my boys, I have two boys otherthan that beautiful thing back there.
(18:12):
Next Wednesday, It's the final court case.
I was awarded the right to see my kids.
That was a damn big pat on the back.
That, I never cared aboutthe money for the attorney.
I never cared about it.
I just, I had to let those boys know Imessed up, but I never gave up on them.
(18:36):
Not for a second.
As a drug addict, I loved themmore than anything, but I couldn't
be the dad that I needed to be.
Now that I am.
They're going to knowthat their dad damn tried.
Everything that I had to give,they're going to know that dad
tried, even if they hate my guts.
That's their choice, but they'regoing to see who and what I am.
(18:59):
And I know I'm a good person.
I know the hell I walkedthrough to stand here today.
I mean, it, it wasn't easy.
And for anyone that's still, you know,struggling or still trying to find
recovery, you'll always have thoseguys that walk in, um, before you.
(19:20):
They have years of sobrietyand they have this great life.
And I found that intimidating.
I had friends that wereComing out as I was going in.
That sucked.
Three years?
Oh wait, it's not three years.
You signed up for sobriety,that's a lifelong thing.
(19:42):
What I'm getting at is,nothing in life is easy.
But there's a few things that canreally change your perspective.
That's being gratefulfor standing on two feet.
Having to roof over your head.
Food in your belly.
You can be hungry, butyou're not starving.
(20:03):
Things can only get so bad.
After every storm, the sun comes out.
You have friends, you have family.
And if you don't have those things,you have people like these two.
Resources.
They are here, and they are here to help.
I'll be the first to tell you, Ithought they were full of shit.
I, uh, I was getting booked out of jail.
(20:27):
Almost five years, well actuallyjust a hair over five years ago.
There's this big bearded burlydude sitting next to me as
I'm withdrawing off heroin.
Says, hey how you doing?
Not good, not good at all man.
He's like, well it gets better.
I mean totally blowing him off becauseI know I just got bailed out and I know
(20:51):
I got shit at home I'm about to do.
First thing that came to my mindwhen I, when I got out of jail
after getting bonded out was, uh,
You just don't get it.
You don't get it.
You just got bonded out of jail,a needle hanging out of your arm,
(21:12):
and you're still going back to it.
Like, what's it gonna take?
I kept thinking I was gonna havethis epiphany moment that just
one day I'm gonna figure this out.
I'm gonna want to get sober Notwith me, you know, like I said
forever, but this is my story.
I never wanted to get sober Notuntil I found a reason I prayed
(21:34):
millions of unanswered prayers
No ambition Nothing, you know one dayOn Holly Highway, I was driving here.
And it clicked.
Something inside of me said,Try it, what do you got to lose?
(21:55):
Tried everything else.
Hell, you threw it in a spoon,cooked it up, threw it in your arm.
Why not try this?
Why not try doing nothing?
Letting the process happen.
I came here, and I wasapprehensive about getting sober.
There was a lot of things I loved.
(22:15):
But, uh.
Girls, friends going outand getting messed up.
The lifestyle.
I had to have my lifestyle.
It was wild.
It was extravagant in my brain.
And it wasn't.
I like going out to eat, and I see
youngsters, I see kids my age,or people my age, stumbling
(22:39):
in and out of the restaurant.
$200 bar tab.
Man, what are you, what are you thinking?
I don't speak up because whatI learned along the way is, uh,
I didn't get help until I asked for it.
When I finally asked for help, I wason Hawley Highway driving up to the MAC
(23:03):
for, I believe it was a Monday night,like 7 o'clock, moonlight meeting.
Loved it.
Lights were off, you couldn't see my face,I was just another person in the room.
There was a couple candles lit.
It was, it was peaceful.
Got a few meetings under my belt.
(23:24):
Got to meet some old timers.
I like to think I'm smart.
And I knew If they could figureit out, I could figure it out.
I started picking their brain.
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
I took some of the things that theysaid, what worked for them, I spun
(23:46):
it to make it work for me, makeit fit my recovery, my sobriety.
Everybody's different.
Everybody's going to havetheir own thing to do.
And however you can make itwork, you can make it work.
I could probably talk fortwo days about my story.
(24:07):
I'm telling you the gist, butif there's one thing I can offer
to you guys, there is hope.
I was the worst of the worst.
There was nothing good about me.
And, uh, if you're struggling, reach out.
Everybody says that.
You can do it in private.
Nobody's gotta know.
(24:28):
Send a text.
I did.
I was so petty about it, I hid myphone number so my own buddy wouldn't
even know who was messaging him.
I just said, hey, I'man old friend of yours.
Sobriety worth it.
I did.
He's like, bro, still remember thisstupid noise he makes when he says
(24:49):
that he says, yeah, man, it is,you just got to give it a chance.
Key thing in that is yougot to give it a chance.
It don't work any other way.
Don't get sober to have this or that.
Don't get sober to get your kids back.
(25:09):
Get sober for you.
You.
First, be selfish in your recovery.
Do whatever it takes to get sober.
I had to cut off all ties to allfriends, even some family, but I did it.
I think it's cool standinghere with almost five years.
I know people that got 30, 40.
That's cool.
(25:30):
What's even cooler is knowingsomebody made a choice in
their life at any given point.
They chose to be soberthe rest of their life.
That's where I'm at.
Because I didn't get sober until 35.
I thought that was horrible.
But here I am.
I did it.
You guys can do it too.
(25:50):
Anybody that you know can do it.
Lend a hand.
Even if you're struggling andsomebody still needs help.
Team up.
Say, how can we get this?
Where can we go?
Find beauty in anything that you do.
I remember I loved having a few beers.
Hang out with a couple offriends, cruise the back roads.
(26:11):
My old ass hangs out with a 3 year old,cruising back roads, watching sunsets.
It's peaceful.
I'm out in nature.
That works for me.
Build your own recovery, becauseonce you build your own, it's
yours, and it's gonna work for you.
No matter what you do.
(26:32):
That's all I got guys.
Give it a try.
Again,
I took every ounce of pain, every horriblething happened in my life or to me.
I embraced it.
(26:53):
I felt every ounce of that weight.
Because I knew where it could lead.
I knew where I could numb that pain.
I knew exactly where that liquorstore was or that drug dealer.
I remembered how happy I wassleeping in my truck with a
seatbelt sticking in my back.
They gave me peace, and Inever wanted to go back.
(27:16):
You know, my mom's pretty elderly,but I made her a promise that not
she would die one day knowing thatI was sober, but I would die one
day knowing that I was still sober.
So no matter what comes your way,we know we're gonna have problems.
We know we're gonna have heartfelt issues.
(27:37):
You're gonna lose yourgirlfriend or fiancee.
Maybe not, but you might.
How are you gonna handle it?
You gotta be ready in theback of your mind to know that
you can overcome everything.
There's nothing that is thrownat you that you cannot overcome.
Physically, mentally,emotionally, or even financially.
There's nothing.
It's all there.
Resources for every single thing.
(28:03):
You guys got any questions?
Perfect.
Thank you again.
It started a little rocky,um, as he mentioned.
(00:04):
Uh, my struggles didn't come fromdrug court, sobriety court, probation,
parole, whatever you want to call it.
Um, For me, that was the easy part.
I had structure.
I had AA.
I had a tether.
I had a bank account monitored.
I had a whereabouts monitored,obviously, with the tether.
(00:27):
Um, every piece of my life was monitored.
It was easy.
I couldn't slip up.
I, uh, I didn't want to fail.
But, as time progressed,I got the hang of it.
I loved being sober.
I, uh, I loved everything aboutit, except the weight gain.
(00:49):
I took that real personalin the beginning.
I was always a real fit guy.
Then I actually realized my mark ofsobriety was kind of getting fat.
So, I mean, as these things kindof come along, and you notice your
body changing, the way you think,the way you feel, you embrace it.
Um, You changed the, the biggestthing that was wrong with any of us.
(01:15):
Uh, we just had something thatlived inside of us that just
couldn't say no or I have to.
I've got to have this drug.
I've got to go out and party.
I've got to have the alcohol.
I've got to have the liquor.
I've got to smoke weed.
I, you know, your addiction comes fromall different things and shapes and forms.
(01:36):
But.
As I was saying, the structure frommy probation was the easy part.
Everybody was there.
It was super easy.
I asked a lot of questions.
I wanted to get the sobriety thing.
every second of my day I had somebodyI could call, somebody I could reach
out to on, on many different levels.
(01:57):
I had friends, recovery coaches,pastors, uh, old mentors, old people.
Baseball coaches.
I mean they were all there.
I found that once it was over and you'reout of the spotlight, you have nobody
there cheering you on every week at drugcourt or every meeting you make it to.
(02:23):
That, for whatever reason, waskind of hard for me because it
was almost like, uh, oh, you'rea forgotten thing, you know.
That's great that you got sober.
Cool, you got a few years under your belt.
But mentally, you're almost like,Shit, I can do whatever I want.
There's nobody here to babysit me.
There's nobody here totell me what I can do.
(02:44):
Let's go, let's go try some weed.
Let's, uh, let's go have some beers.
You know, I'm off probation.
I can do this.
I got this.
You know, can't tell me nothing.
I, I just did three years of drug court.
You know, I've got this thing figured out.
You know.
That part I did.
Um, I had some beers when I was released.
(03:07):
I thought about smoking some weedbut I had a real dangerous job and
if I got hurt I would have lost myinsurance and all that fun stuff.
But the things that I struggled withwas, like I said, nobody was there.
Um, but that was a choice I made.
I didn't totally keep in contact.
(03:27):
I didn't relapse.
I was very Very lucky that Inever fell back into drugs.
Um, but when you get out of thespotlight, you know, the limelight that
I used to call it, you're on your own.
You gotta remember that theseresources, the MAC, the AA, this
place down the road, wherever it isthat you may be, where you're from,
(03:49):
you had a resource, you just done didyour time, and you made it through.
You don't need his, hers, or him'spat on the back to get through it.
Pat yourself on the back.
that's your biggest accomplishment.
You know, like me, it was 20years of active addiction.
I didn't need anybodyelse's pat on the back.
(04:13):
I found myself patting myselfon the back because I was proud.
I went from sleeping in mytruck to not having a home.
Not having a damn cluewhat to do with my life.
But I had a job, and I had all sortsof support around me, and Well,
(04:33):
fast forward real quick to threeyears after I had gotten in trouble.
Bought a house, which wasjust phenomenal for me.
I mean, I lived in my truck,like, Until you've laid across the
bench seat of a truck, it sucks.
You got a seatbelt poking you in the back.
(04:54):
You got no food.
I mean, if you can't tell, I'ma big guy and I like to eat.
I mean, flat out.
I was hungry.
I told myself,
I told myself I was never going back.
And,
Here in two months, I can say infive years, I've never gone back.
You know, that's a damn good feeling.
(05:15):
It, it is.
That, that's a, that's a pat on the back.
My life, like I was stating,like, it's hard, you know.
Whether it's work, your relationship,your finances, uh, your personal life.
Like, it, it's tough, you know.
(05:36):
You think when you get sober.
Everything's perfect.
It's, it's not.
It's um, the door opened up to be perfect.
Like I thought I needed friends.
I thought I needed the validationfrom drug court, uh, some type of
recognition, recognition, but it wasn't,
it was, uh,
(05:57):
it was finding every coping mechanismI was ever taught and handed to me to
make it through those difficult times.
Um, yeah.
for instance, since like living, whatI refer to as like the world's best
three years of my life, had a baby,
(06:20):
had a great job.
I mean, I was making more moneythan I knew what to do with,
uh, had a great place to live.
Hadn't bought a truck or anythinglike that yet, but I had a great life.
Um, I landed on my feet.
With a great job where You can makeliterally as much money as you want
(06:41):
seven days a week or however youmay spin it there for a while I Tell
some close friends that you know whenyou're getting sober occupy your time.
I should have Maybe deciphered that alittle bit better because I was chasing in
my head $100, 000 a year Had to have it.
(07:02):
That'd be so cool to have all that money,pay off all my bills and Yada, yada, yada.
It wasn't.
All it did was just break my body down.
I mean beat the shit out of myself.
I, uh, I needed enoughmoney to pay my bills.
And in my head, I thought Ineeded enough money to spoil my
(07:23):
fiancee, spoil my daughter, fixthe house up to make it perfect.
Perfect.
I needed to have a 20, 000 bathroominstead of a 2, 000 bathroom.
I lost focus of what happiness was.
I was trying to buy my happiness.
(07:44):
So, we're going to skip a few parts ofmy little journey and we're going to
fast forward it to just two months ago.
Called off my wedding.
I had a beautiful venue paid for, called,uh, Stuff for the Honeymoon, and so forth.
I was driving to work one morning, itwas a Saturday morning, and, uh, for
(08:09):
whatever reason, driving this brand newtruck, absolutely nothing wrong with
it, all of a sudden my mirror flops tothe side, and it's staring right at me.
I didn't like what I saw,I mean I just, I didn't.
I have a great life, I havenothing to complain about.
(08:30):
But, I wasn't happy, I wasn't,I wasn't happy with my life.
I was unhappy with theway I was living it.
I remember a time when I washappy sleeping in a truck.
Uh, having 20 bucks left overafter I paid my bills to go get
Burger King and some ramen noodles.
I
(08:52):
So I continued the driveon my way into work.
Loaded up my toolbox.
Put it in the back of my truck.
Drove home.
With a plan in my head.
That is all I had.
I had a plan in my head.
I said I wanted to finda reason to smile again.
Because I was miserable.
I was miserable.
Chasing money, never home.
(09:13):
I watched my poor daughter walk,talk, and crawl from my office.
That sucked.
That sucked.
Made me feel like a piece of shit.
I wanted to be home more.
You know, like I said,I had lost my fiancee.
I was watching her growup through my phone.
Couldn't have it.
I had a plan in my head though.
(09:36):
I, uh, I said, you know what?
It's been a long, longtime since I bet on myself.
I threw a Hail Mary of a job applicationat a job, um, to shop supervisor working
directly with the engineers, where I canuse my brain, not so much my back anymore.
(09:59):
Um, before I got home from Grand Rapids.
Thanks.
They called me on a Saturday.
Like this, this is some BS.
There ain't no way thisplace is calling me.
They said, hey, can you stop in on Monday?
I said, yeah, I'll be there.
I don't have anything to do.
They don't know that I just quit my job.
(10:20):
No idea.
So, rolled into this interview.
By the grace of God, I nailed it.
I mean, I fucking hit thisthing out of the park.
We'll do a little backstory.
My God, this place just Youknow, it's not a fancy shop.
It's not nothing.
It was offering me 40 hours a week,good money, I could be home more, and
(10:46):
less than one third of the drive I wasmaking back and forth to Grand Rapids.
So, I'll fast forward a little bit.
Landed a second interview.
These folks were rather impressedthey uh, they kind of wanted to make
sure that they weren't seeing intoLike the headlights or something.
(11:07):
So they had AutoCAD sitting out on thecomputer for me They had steel sitting up.
They wanted to know if I could weld.
Who deserves a shoutoutfor their progress?
Let’s celebrate each other’s successes!
🎉 Comment below withsomeone you want to cheer on.
I thought it was rather weirdThat if anybody here knows about
(11:28):
welding, there's MIG, TIG, and STICK.
Usually when an employer wants toweld test you, they'll give you, say,
a big thick piece of metal and handyou a MIG gun and ask you to weld it.
I got handed three pieces of metalwith three different machines, and I
was like, All right, well, screw it.
Let's weld.
(11:50):
So I weld.
They loved it.
Pulled up a program on AutoCAD.
Drew exactly what they had asked.
Then I said, Do you want it, youknow, sent over to the laser and I go,
we'll cut it out and we'll build it.
I drew a smiley face with some legs.
It was something retarded on AutoCAD,but they wanted to see that I
(12:10):
knew how to operate the program.
So, that was a Wednesday.
Got home.
I live in Ionia.
The building's not too far away.
So we're talking in a matterof 15 18 minutes, I had gotten
(12:30):
a call back from these guys.
Mind you, I threw enough money at themfor what I said I wanted in order for
me to cover what I needed, still tuckaway a little bit and live comfortably,
and still be home all the time.
And they called me back andthey offered me the job.
(12:54):
That following Monday,I started my first day.
I had met with a friend in betweenthat Wednesday and a Monday and you
know, he's like, yeah, it's a good job.
I worked there once before I'm retired.
You might still find some of mydrawings on some of the prints
that you're going to touch.
(13:15):
So my first day I'm digging throughprints cause I wanted to find my
buddy's name on those AutoCAD designsor blueprints or what have you.
I find another namethat was stuck in there.
The gentleman had thelast name of Krieger.
Anybody that's been in theIonia or Montcalm Community,
they remember the name Krieger.
(13:36):
I found out that Judge Krieger'shusband had worked there.
So now here's the kicker.
My close friend and rolemodel was the engineer.
I landed a job where JudgeKrieger's husband worked.
My close friend and mentor.
And you ever have those like epiphanymoments in your life where you're
(13:58):
like, this is where I'm supposed to be.
This is what I'm doing.
This is, this is howthis is supposed to go.
And it was that holy shit moment.
You know, My prayers were answered.
My hopes were heard.
Um, I have a higher power, so I pray.
That shit was answered.
That was answered in a big, big way.
(14:20):
First thing I do is get on the phonewith my buddy and say, Hey, got it.
Nailed it.
Got the job.
Besides the fact that he wassuper happy about it, I had
never felt like I was more home.
Um, one of my mentors, uh,Judge Krieger was a huge mentor.
That woman walked me through someof the hardest times of my life.
(14:42):
I mean, she was there.
She didn't ever once cut me some slack.
Everything that I got, I earned.
And that was a great damn feeling.
Um, so there I am.
Landed in this great job.
Got my life together.
Got a new truck.
Rebuilding my house.
(15:02):
Something's still off.
Still to this day.
It's not that I'm unhappy being sober.
It's not that I need todrink to find happiness.
It's not that I needto do drugs to find it.
As the days progressed, Ifind out that it's just me.
Um, I was struggling with,like, your own self worth.
I still have it in the back ofmy head after almost five years.
(15:25):
I'm a piece of shit.
I did drugs.
I hurt my mom.
I hurt my brothers.
I hurt my friends.
You know, it's, it's a lot to grasp.
The sooner you can grasp it, the better.
Um, like I was telling youin the very beginning of this
conversation is, probation was easy.
(15:46):
I should have, in the verybeginning, planned and learned
how to live life on life's terms.
And, and that's it.
There's, there's no, uh, easy way throughlife, but I found self worth in myself
and absolutely everything that I did I'veLike I said, this was just three weeks ago
(16:07):
You know, I thought I was so in love andmy life was over after I lost my fiancee,
you know We decided not to get married
There was frost on the ground the otherday that's what cheered me up I'm a
big hunter I saw that I rolled overand You Saw that beautiful creature
back there drooling all over my pillow.
(16:27):
Super grateful.
Didn't give a shit.
Brand new sheets.
But what I'm getting at is Ifound a reason to be happy.
It reminded me I was happy with,
I was happy with my truck.
With no food.
(16:48):
Sitting on E.
But I was sober.
And everything clicked.
It's like, man, family's healthy.
We're all doing good.
Still sober.
Got a great job and a great family.
Got a great life.
What was wrong in all of thatfrom the very beginning to
(17:11):
where I'm standing today, it was
I wasn't unhappy with myself.
I was ungrateful.
Ungrateful to the core.
You want to talk aboutmissing your blessings.
That's, uh, that was a rude awakening.
Still gives me chills thinking about it.
(17:31):
I'm like, man, again,what a piece of shit, man.
How can you not be grateful?
I have friends right now thatare still, still running.
I mean, just running ragged.
They're high as hell.
Drunker and shit.
No job, no purpose.
I ain't seen their kids in however long.
But it can all change.
(17:51):
I lost my kids when Igot high all the time.
I knew they were better off with theirmom because they'd be surrounded by drugs.
And the culmination of four years offighting non stop and getting nowhere.
To see my boys, I have two boys otherthan that beautiful thing back there.
(18:12):
Next Wednesday, It's the final court case.
I was awarded the right to see my kids.
That was a damn big pat on the back.
That, I never cared aboutthe money for the attorney.
I never cared about it.
I just, I had to let those boys know Imessed up, but I never gave up on them.
(18:36):
Not for a second.
As a drug addict, I loved themmore than anything, but I couldn't
be the dad that I needed to be.
Now that I am.
They're going to knowthat their dad damn tried.
Everything that I had to give,they're going to know that dad
tried, even if they hate my guts.
That's their choice, but they'regoing to see who and what I am.
(18:59):
And I know I'm a good person.
I know the hell I walkedthrough to stand here today.
I mean, it, it wasn't easy.
And for anyone that's still, you know,struggling or still trying to find
recovery, you'll always have thoseguys that walk in, um, before you.
(19:20):
They have years of sobrietyand they have this great life.
And I found that intimidating.
I had friends that wereComing out as I was going in.
That sucked.
Three years?
Oh wait, it's not three years.
You signed up for sobriety,that's a lifelong thing.
(19:42):
What I'm getting at is,nothing in life is easy.
But there's a few things that canreally change your perspective.
That's being gratefulfor standing on two feet.
Having to roof over your head.
Food in your belly.
You can be hungry, butyou're not starving.
(20:03):
Things can only get so bad.
After every storm, the sun comes out.
You have friends, you have family.
And if you don't have those things,you have people like these two.
Resources.
They are here, and they are here to help.
I'll be the first to tell you, Ithought they were full of shit.
I, uh, I was getting booked out of jail.
(20:27):
Almost five years, well actuallyjust a hair over five years ago.
There's this big bearded burlydude sitting next to me as
I'm withdrawing off heroin.
Says, hey how you doing?
Not good, not good at all man.
He's like, well it gets better.
I mean totally blowing him off becauseI know I just got bailed out and I know
(20:51):
I got shit at home I'm about to do.
First thing that came to my mindwhen I, when I got out of jail
after getting bonded out was, uh,
You just don't get it.
You don't get it.
You just got bonded out of jail,a needle hanging out of your arm,
(21:12):
and you're still going back to it.
Like, what's it gonna take?
I kept thinking I was gonna havethis epiphany moment that just
one day I'm gonna figure this out.
I'm gonna want to get sober Notwith me, you know, like I said
forever, but this is my story.
I never wanted to get sober Notuntil I found a reason I prayed
(21:34):
millions of unanswered prayers
No ambition Nothing, you know one dayOn Holly Highway, I was driving here.
And it clicked.
Something inside of me said,Try it, what do you got to lose?
(21:55):
Tried everything else.
Hell, you threw it in a spoon,cooked it up, threw it in your arm.
Why not try this?
Why not try doing nothing?
Letting the process happen.
I came here, and I wasapprehensive about getting sober.
There was a lot of things I loved.
(22:15):
But, uh.
Girls, friends going outand getting messed up.
The lifestyle.
I had to have my lifestyle.
It was wild.
It was extravagant in my brain.
And it wasn't.
I like going out to eat, and I see
youngsters, I see kids my age,or people my age, stumbling
(22:39):
in and out of the restaurant.
$200 bar tab.
Man, what are you, what are you thinking?
I don't speak up because whatI learned along the way is, uh,
I didn't get help until I asked for it.
When I finally asked for help, I wason Hawley Highway driving up to the MAC
(23:03):
for, I believe it was a Monday night,like 7 o'clock, moonlight meeting.
Loved it.
Lights were off, you couldn't see my face,I was just another person in the room.
There was a couple candles lit.
It was, it was peaceful.
Got a few meetings under my belt.
(23:24):
Got to meet some old timers.
I like to think I'm smart.
And I knew If they could figureit out, I could figure it out.
I started picking their brain.
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
I took some of the things that theysaid, what worked for them, I spun
(23:46):
it to make it work for me, makeit fit my recovery, my sobriety.
Everybody's different.
Everybody's going to havetheir own thing to do.
And however you can make itwork, you can make it work.
I could probably talk fortwo days about my story.
(24:07):
I'm telling you the gist, butif there's one thing I can offer
to you guys, there is hope.
I was the worst of the worst.
There was nothing good about me.
And, uh, if you're struggling, reach out.
Everybody says that.
You can do it in private.
Nobody's gotta know.
(24:28):
Send a text.
I did.
I was so petty about it, I hid myphone number so my own buddy wouldn't
even know who was messaging him.
I just said, hey, I'man old friend of yours.
Sobriety worth it.
I did.
He's like, bro, still remember thisstupid noise he makes when he says
(24:49):
that he says, yeah, man, it is,you just got to give it a chance.
Key thing in that is yougot to give it a chance.
It don't work any other way.
Don't get sober to have this or that.
Don't get sober to get your kids back.
(25:09):
Get sober for you.
You.
First, be selfish in your recovery.
Do whatever it takes to get sober.
I had to cut off all ties to allfriends, even some family, but I did it.
I think it's cool standinghere with almost five years.
I know people that got 30, 40.
That's cool.
(25:30):
What's even cooler is knowingsomebody made a choice in
their life at any given point.
They chose to be soberthe rest of their life.
That's where I'm at.
Because I didn't get sober until 35.
I thought that was horrible.
But here I am.
I did it.
You guys can do it too.
(25:50):
Anybody that you know can do it.
Lend a hand.
Even if you're struggling andsomebody still needs help.
Team up.
Say, how can we get this?
Where can we go?
Find beauty in anything that you do.
I remember I loved having a few beers.
Hang out with a couple offriends, cruise the back roads.
(26:11):
My old ass hangs out with a 3 year old,cruising back roads, watching sunsets.
It's peaceful.
I'm out in nature.
That works for me.
Build your own recovery, becauseonce you build your own, it's
yours, and it's gonna work for you.
No matter what you do.
(26:32):
That's all I got guys.
Give it a try.
Again,
I took every ounce of pain, every horriblething happened in my life or to me.
I embraced it.
(26:53):
I felt every ounce of that weight.
Because I knew where it could lead.
I knew where I could numb that pain.
I knew exactly where that liquorstore was or that drug dealer.
I remembered how happy I wassleeping in my truck with a
seatbelt sticking in my back.
They gave me peace, and Inever wanted to go back.
(27:16):
You know, my mom's pretty elderly,but I made her a promise that not
she would die one day knowing thatI was sober, but I would die one
day knowing that I was still sober.
So no matter what comes your way,we know we're gonna have problems.
We know we're gonna have heartfelt issues.
(27:37):
You're gonna lose yourgirlfriend or fiancee.
Maybe not, but you might.
How are you gonna handle it?
You gotta be ready in theback of your mind to know that
you can overcome everything.
There's nothing that is thrownat you that you cannot overcome.
Physically, mentally,emotionally, or even financially.
There's nothing.
It's all there.
Resources for every single thing.
(28:03):
You guys got any questions?
Perfect.
Thank you again.
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