May 12, 2025 • 70 mins
“I’m not gonna sit and long for what I lost… when I’ve been doubly blessed.”
This Mother's Day message from Chaplain Heidi Woldhuis goes far beyond flowers and photo booths. It's for the moms who are grieving, the ones navigating estranged relationships, and those who carry shame from their past but still long for healing. Heidi opens up about the loss of her own mother, the heartache of broken connections with her children, and the way God has gently restored what was once lost through the community of Outreach 419.
This isn’t the typical Mother’s Day talk—it’s honest, raw, and full of faith. With deep empathy and grace, Heidi shares:
“I'm done stewing over what I don't have… because God has already answered prayers I didn't even realize were being answered.”
Whether you're celebrating today or struggling just to show up, this message is for you.
00:00 Introduction and Personal Loss 00:44 Different Forms of Grief 02:19 Mother's Day Reflections 03:16 Struggles with Addiction and Motherhood 04:29 Finding Grace and Understanding 05:21 God's Presence in Our Lives 08:01 Overcoming Shame and Guilt 10:00 Embracing God's Plan 11:59 The Power of Community 14:51 Lessons from Loss 19:14 Serving and Loving Others 29:23 The Reality of Longing 33:41 Letting Go of Unrealistic Longings 34:19 The Locust Years: A Biblical Analogy 35:48 Embracing God's Restoration 37:54 Trusting God's Plan 43:06 Rebuilding Trust and Relationships 48:51 Finding Joy Amidst Pain 53:55 God's Unfailing Love 01:00:41 Living Joyfully Despite Loss 01:02:16 The Power of Worship 01:04:16 Facing Life's Challenges with Faith 01:06:58 The Battle Against Doubt and Despair 01:08:39 A Message of Hope and Community
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
My mom died a few months ago.
You know, I did the make amends,but it had to be through a letter
'cause she wouldn't see me.
And, um, she died before, you know,any face-to-face, no conversation,
(00:21):
no reconnection, no that.
So I got that.
And there's others sitting herethat I know are just suffering
losses also of many differentkinds for many different reasons.
There's estrangements that happen.
It doesn't matter how it happened.
(00:42):
The hurt is the same.
We have suffering over our childrenwho may be walking journeys right
now that cause our hearts tojust ache heavy every single day.
We have others that may be perhapslong to be a mother, and that wasn't
gifted to them in their life, andthey were called to something else.
(01:05):
That's another kind of a grief.
So instead of spending the whole daybeing rah rah mom, which I am, I'm all
about rah rah, mom, go, moms, we'reall beautiful, wonderful creations who
gave birth to beautiful, precious life,
but I don't want it to be that typical
(01:27):
service.
You know, there's, I don't havethe picture perfect Pinterest photo
booth with mom and all the kidsand all your matching ensembles.
And we're not gonna do that.
We're not gonna do the flowerthing, we're just, we're just
not gonna do those things.
'cause I can rememberthose things hurt me.
I didn't want your flower, Ididn't wanna be made to say
it in that stupid photo booth.
(01:50):
'cause the ones I wanted to behaving a photo with weren't there.
So please don't remind me of that.
So obviously it's not a bad thing, it's abeautiful gesture and I appreciate that.
But there's others of us that I hopetoday we can talk to you a little
bit because we sure do love you
(02:11):
and so does God who sees you right asyou are with the feelings, your feeling.
Right now we're gonna talk through someof the different emotions we may face.
You know, most of us here are inrecovery and it's Mother's Day.
(02:31):
And often the things that led us tobeing in recovery were things that
perhaps didn't make us the best momor the mom that we wanted to be.
And I can say that because that's me.
I can tell you that 40 years ofdrinking didn't make you a perfect mom.
I wasn't a terrible mom.
(02:54):
You know, my kids were fed,somehow figured out how to
keep 'em in a private school.
But that was just my stupid thinking.
That thought, that's what I had to do.
Life would've been way better if Iwould've realized I didn't have to
do that, pay that money, whatnot.
It doesn't matter.
But still, the fact remains that therewere times when I was a bad mom, when
(03:14):
I wasn't there when I should have.
My addiction took meaway from them at times.
'cause you know, I didn'tdrink in front of my kids.
So what did that mean?
Well, if you're not drinkingin front of your kids, you're
drinking away from your kids.
Yeah, that's better, isn't it?
And then the family stuff that can come.
We may be estranged from our own mothers.
(03:35):
You know, I dealt with that.
I know what that feels like.
It doesn't feel good, you know, it's ahard day when you can't make that phone
call and share that day and that lunchand that dinner and all those things.
Those are hard things.
It's grief.
That's grief on a day that, youknow, our American Hallmark holidays
(03:57):
often cause hurt instead of whatI know the intended purpose was.
So I wanna talk about those things,you know, the yucky side of it.
'cause Mother's Day is a good day.
We're all here because we had amother, some of us had amazing,
loving, kind mothers, others of us.
(04:23):
I can't wait till youget to see her again.
Talk with her, but not right now.
'cause I kinda like having you around.
Please, God.
So, um, you know, and others of usmay have had mothers that perhaps
lacked in that mom category.
My mother struggled to be a mom.
I don't know what her backstory is.
(04:43):
She never talked about it,never talked about her life.
I know her parents and theywere cold, harsh, domineering
people that weren't kind.
I imagine my mother'supbringing was not good.
And once I realized that, I suddenly feltall sorts of grace towards her because
I don't know what kind of pain she had.
It's not natural for a mom to not lovetheir child or care for their kiddos.
(05:08):
So what was it?
Something happened.
Something happened, but I am not gonnaknow until I get reunited up there.
But God sees you if yourfamily doesn't seem to.
If your kids don't seemto, your father does.
(05:32):
Can a mother forget theinfant at her breast or walk
away from the baby She bore?
It starts that way because it innatehuman nature for a mom and her child.
We don't forget them.
We don't stop loving them.
We don't stop wanting them.
That's just natural instincts.
Yes, I know there's anomalies.
(05:52):
I do know that.
But nature itself at it's core, youwanna watch a mother go in full out,
fury harm her child, go after her child.
But even if mothers forget, I'dnever forget, you never look.
(06:16):
I've written your hands, yournames on the backs of my hands.
The walls you are rebuildingare never out of my sight.
I don't think my mother forgot me, butI don't know what she thought of me.
(06:41):
I do know that caused meendless amounts of turmoil.
I do know that it took anawful lot of space in my head.
Took a lot of time out oflife trying to figure out,
wondering, but does she love me?
Does she ever think about me?
Does she ever?
I do the same thingwith my estranged kids.
(07:04):
The ones who don't come around, the oneswho don't call the ones who, in fact
respond to my messages with some pretty.
Big vulgarities in no uncertainterms, letting them know
their feelings at that time.
(07:25):
But I think of all that time thatI sat in darkness and despair
and loneliness and fear, and thisendless, well, what can I do?
What can I do?
How can I prove to them?
How do I get 'em back?
How do I, how do I, how do I,
but I took my eyes off the onewho never stopped seeing me, the
(07:48):
one who never stopped loving me.
The one who always provided, the onewho always said, but I'm right here.
Trust me.
Keep looking at me.
But that's hard because we're wiredfor family and community, right?
And it's our assumption that yourblood family are gonna be the ones
(08:11):
that you know, they're the closest.
They lean in, always there for you.
And unfortunately, in thisworld, that's not always true.
And often sources of ourgreatest and deepest loss in
pain is family, blood, family.
(08:36):
I have had some pretty intensespiritual evolutions the past few weeks.
I have no idea what's happening,but I can say that I'm loving it.
I finally realized that I'm donestewing and dwelling over what I don't.
(08:56):
Have, because in my mind Iwas waiting for what I wanted.
I had a picture in my mindof what it's gonna look like.
Like I literally could have allthese elaborate things you like.
All my family is gonna all of asudden just say, you know what?
God has restored to me farmore than what's been taken.
And I didn't see it because I satand focused on what I didn't have.
(09:19):
And I see that happen with so many people.
Our losses in life, they're big.
Being estranged fromkids, I'm not gonna lie.
That's no joke.
That's brutally hard.
For whatever reason, it's brutal.
Being estranged from family that'sstill living that you can't see
(09:43):
is brutal.
But that's all I saw.
You know, it's that hole.
I'm looking at it right here.
So I didn't see anything until I steppedaway from it and I started to see this
is just a small group of people in thisworld full of amazing, beautiful people.
And the more I started looking up athim and around me at the people in my
(10:05):
life, the more I realized that God hasbeen answering my prayer for family.
Always.
I asked that what?
I lost be restored.
I thought he didn't answer, but hedid because you're all sitting here.
(10:31):
And every day of the week, Iget to see what was restored.
Come walking into thesedoors, get to hug you.
I get to love you.
That answers prayer.
That's that.
I never forget you.
He didn't.
(10:51):
I forgot that I was asking
for something that I thoughtI wanted and didn't see.
Instead, the answer that wasgiven, and it's a beautiful thing.
I've made the decision that I'm nolonger gonna waste life on things
(11:15):
that aren't in my life right now.
I can't control that God can, and ifhe desires that to be brought back
in my life, he will make it happen.
But until then, I, it's notthat I don't love my kids.
I do fiercely, fiercely, but evenfor them, I will not give up my joy.
I will not give up my living,
(11:39):
and God just continues overand over and over to remind
me, to remind us that I'm here.
I'm restoring, but youhave to look up and see me.
You have to see the answer,not just what you wanted.
(11:59):
Other things that we deal with,we may have had in experience.
The loss of our mother.
They're not even, they'renot physically here.
I've heard a lot of people talkingabout this, and honestly, I love
hearing those stories of thosewonderful relationships with your mom.
I love hearing it because I'm really gladthat it isn't all like mine was 'cause
(12:23):
that's not how it's supposed to be.
It's beautiful to hear people talkingabout their relationships, about this
hole in their heart that they feel evenyears later because their mom's not there.
Or somebody who's like a mom.
I'm very blessed because Godgave me not one, but two strong,
(12:47):
amazing, loving older women thathave claimed me as their daughter.
Good women.
They didn't have to, they're not related.
I had shared before that even the wayGod made those paths crossed, it's
like I knew he handpicked them for me.
They know how to love me.
(13:09):
They know they are both strugglingwith health issues right now,
and I know I'm gonna lose them.
I know that day's coming and
it is gonna be harder forme than when my mother died.
And that sounds maybe bad, but
(13:30):
I hadn't had a relationship with my ownmother and over 30 years we hadn't talked.
There'd been no conversations.
She didn't know anythingabout me and didn't want to.
But the two women thatstepped into my life,
they're there every single day.
I have a message everysingle day from them.
(13:54):
I'm not gonna sit in long for what Idon't have when I've been doubly blessed.
And God does that for everybody.
We may feel as if we are filled with loss.
Like it's just been taken.
It's been taken.
These people I care about and love.
It's been taken.
And I'm like, but have you lookedwho God is bringing into your life?
(14:15):
Who has God brought into there?
Because start looking and watching,because I promise you he's brought
people into that space that willmore to fill it to overflowing.
I know it's not the same.
I know Doris and Kay are notCarol, Carol being my mother,
and yet God gifted them in a waythat allowed them to love me far more
(14:39):
than my own birth mother ever did.
I don't know how that's possible, butin my life, that's proving possible.
If he can do it for me, he'll doit for every single one of us.
It becomes so vitally important thatwe don't just sit and look at what
we don't have never had or we lost.
(15:00):
God's covered that.
Also, he understands.
He knows the hurt.
He knows the pain of loss.
Jesus himself knew thathis friend Lazarus died.
And he experienced griefin the loss of Lazarus.
He's dead.
He experienced grief, watching peoplemourning the loss of somebody they
(15:22):
love dearly, and then he brought'em back, but he shares with us.
He felt the grief, he understands.
He knows what it's like tolose people close to you.
If your heart is broken,you'll find God right there.
(15:42):
And if you're kicked in the gut,he'll help you catch your breath.
God will never, ever,ever leave you suffering.
And if you feel like he has, maybeyou haven't looked up lately.
I find a lot of times, at leastin my life, those times when you
(16:06):
felt like suffering just goes onforever, it's not getting any better.
Why isn't it going away?
If God's got this, you know that song.
Can I be honest?
I just need to know if you still gotthis, do you, because I don't see it.
Well, what are we looking at?
(16:27):
The answers we want orthe way he's answering?
Or is it, I don't wanna wait for itthough, because I want it right now.
'cause I know I, I have that too.
I'm like, God, you know, soyou can tell I'm getting older.
I don't have all the time.
How much longer is this gonna take?
(16:47):
Maybe he's already answered.
A lot of times I find out that he has.
'cause I'll see it whenI start looking for it.
And other times it's in the patiencethat I've learned my greatest.
Lessons and I'm grateful.
I'm kind of stubborn and thickheaded.
It takes me a while to get it, andthankfully God understands that too.
(17:08):
He never left me.
It was me that left ordidn't keep looking at him.
He's always been busy,he's always been working.
And the times when I was mosthurting were the times he was the
closest, whether I knew it or not,
even in my most lonelymoments, he was right there.
(17:34):
He sees me even when I don't see him.
And then we often in recovery, we cansit on today this mother's day, and
that thing starts playing in your head.
Those memories.
The past that shame the feeling.
(17:57):
I'm just, I'm not enough.
I keep failing, not getting it right.
Look at that super mom over there.
Always doing it rightand getting it right.
Relationship with my mom isbroken because of choices I made.
Family doesn't wanna talk to me.
I'm not invited over 'cause I don'tknow how I'm gonna behave or if
(18:18):
I'm gonna clear out their house.
We think these things in our headand that shame man, it destroys you.
It will eat you up inside that hole.
You're not good enough that constantlywhispering in your ear, but remember
(18:39):
when you're really screwed up bad.
Remember that?
Yeah, we remember that too.
Everybody knows what a screw up you are.
Everybody knows how bad you are.
Everybody knows you're a druggie.
Everybody knows you're a drunk.
And we sit there and we own all this stuffand we sit with it and we hold onto it.
(18:59):
Even as we're in recovery, we'renot drinking and using anymore.
We're working.
We're working our recovery.
We're thriving and we're living.
We're becoming the peoplewe were meant to be.
And yet we still sit in these feelingsquite often that just don't seem to leave
(19:22):
us because I know for me, as a mom lookingat my kids as a really big reminder,
'cause for me, sometimes I sit and thinkI was trusted with something so precious.
How did I screw up that job so bad?
How?
(19:45):
How?
Because I love my kids.
The last thing in the world Iwould ever, ever deliberately
choose would be to harm my kids.
And I know that's true forevery single one of us in here.
Not one single one of us woulddeliberately choose to harm our kids.
(20:09):
And that's why substance use and addictionis such an evil vile thing because we
become what we would never choose to be.
And then we're left to dealwith the fallout of it.
We sit in shame, we sitwith, uh, aren't we enough?
And for those of us who don't havethe benefit of being with family or
(20:31):
kids, this just gets more intense.
'cause we're lonely and we're aloneas we get to watch all the people
walking around, you know, havingtheir best Mother's Day thing.
But with the arrival of Jesus the Messiah,that fateful dilemma is resolved because
(20:56):
those who enter into Christ being herefor us no longer have to live under
a continuous, low lying black cloud.
I'm gonna read this anotherverse that goes along with this.
I love how the message describes things.
I love how it reads, but I love mostof all that because of Jesus and what
(21:23):
he's given us, those feelings that wesit with, that shame, I'm not enough.
It was all covered.
It was all taken care of in completion.
We talk about that often here.
He said it is finished.
That includes those times whenmaybe we weren't a great mom.
(21:48):
Because guess what?
He was there with you in those moments,but he was also with your children.
In those moments,
he was with your family.
In those moments, there isnothing that's a surprise to him.
He didn't say it was finished, exceptthat time you were a crappy parent.
(22:12):
Yeah, I ain't covering that one.
He doesn't look at you and say thatever, ever, and he knows it all.
He even knows the thingsyou don't remember doing.
You know, blackout drunk times.
Hmm.
Yeah.
(22:33):
It is bad enough that Iknow things I've done.
It's worse when I know thingsthat I don't know that I've done.
Uh,
but he does.
Mm-hmm.
And he didn't hesitate.
Not even for a second knowing it all.
The last thing he wants is for you to besitting there consumed and living a life
(22:55):
of shame, that low lying black cloud.
I think we can all understand that.
That describes so well that feeling.
It's heavy, it's awful,and it's overwhelming.
Is that the gift that he gaveto us after what he did, that's
how he wants our lives to be.
(23:16):
That's how he wants us to feel.
He knows what's in your life.
He knows how hard it is.
He knows your longing
and still he's like, please just look atme, because even in this, I don't want
you living in this low lying black cloud.
(23:36):
Trust me, even with this,trust me to restore.
Or trust me to make things rightaccording to my plan in it, there
is no guarantee, I have no guaranteethat I will be reconciled with my
children before I die here on Earth.
(23:57):
I have zero guarantees of that,but I know a hundred percent
that God's already got it handled.
Whether it happens here or it happensafter I live too much of my life, just
(24:17):
desperately saying it has to happen.
Like I can even imagine these things.
It's like, oh, my kids will get the call.
You know, mom's about 103 years old andI think she's gonna go this time and
they're all gonna come 'cause they'reall gonna wanna see me before I die.
Why do I do that?
I don't know.
It's human nature, you know?
I imagine, well maybe then.
They'll say, yeah, I'll comesee mom, but what if they don't?
(24:39):
Will I be disappointed in that moment?
Then I will if I live mywhole life expecting that.
So I'm working very hard to live mylife expecting what God brings to it.
Hmm.
It may not be my birth kids, but inthe meantime, I'm gonna stay real busy
(25:03):
loving all my other kids because God'sbrought me a whole lot of broken people
that just need people to love 'em.
And I can do that endlessly,
and we can do that for each other,can be there for each other.
We're all experiencing sufferingand loss of some kind or another.
(25:27):
We can all carry that for each other.
Rotmans eight 17 then says, andif we go through hard times with
him, then we're certainly gonna gothrough the good times with him.
(25:48):
Do we read these words andunderstand what he's saying to us?
He's like, child, look at me.
If I'm asking you to do this hardstuff, it's because I've got really
good things waiting for you, and I'mgonna be there with you in that too.
But I'm not throwing youthrough this by yourself.
I'm not saying figure itout and get through it.
(26:12):
I just am asking youto trust me with this.
'cause I do have a plan.
I know
what you're feeling.
I know what you want.
I know you want your kids.
I know you want your mom.
I know.
I know.
I know.
And he's like, but know that I love you.
(26:35):
Know that I see you and know that I amworking behind the scenes always for you
because I have the best in mind for you.
I catch myself all the timesaying, I sure wish I would've
(26:58):
learned these lessons way earlier.
I do, but I know me.
And that would've been a complacent Heidithat just knew stuff but didn't live it.
It's been the really junkyparts of my life that made this.
(27:20):
I don't want to go through thelesson again, but I don't want
the lessons removed from my life
loss.
Made me learn how to love.
I am not somebody that wisheseverybody feels like me.
(27:42):
In fact, it's the opposite.
I don't want people to have to feellike I did, and that's how we're
supposed to live life, to take the junk
and turn it into an expressionof love over others.
I know that that's donemiraculous things in my life
(28:07):
because if we don't do that, we oftenjust sit with the junk and instead
of healing through loving others,we destroy through hating ourself.
We talk about serving and.
That and loving others.
Often here it's because we're acommunity that believes in that.
(28:29):
We know the power of it, but we know thepower of the opposite when it's all self.
It's how we ended up probablyin the situations we were in,
'cause it was very self-focused.
I find that when I am so focused onpeople outside of me and how can I
(28:50):
serve and how can I love, I don't wastetime sitting with my junk anymore.
I don't have time for that andthat's a good thing in my life.
'cause my brain is a vast wasteland of Icould go for days through this thing, but,
but that's not good.
It's so much better to keep myeyes on him, who promised I'm there
(29:16):
for those great times, but evenmore I'm there for when it's hard.
Oh, longing.
Longing is,
oh, the feeling of it.
(29:37):
It can either be that great thing,you know, like you have this
vacation plan that's really exciting.
You have this longing for that date tocome, and that's exciting and it's great.
That kinda longing.
That's so good expecting this baby.
Oh, you're just longingto hold this little one.
And then you sit, you know,made all that waiting.
(30:00):
Everything was great.
And then you can't hold this littleone anymore because they won't come
close enough to you to do that.
Because you know, moms,they're always this right.
Always, even when they're this, allmy kids are like, even my daughter's
(30:22):
close to six foot and taller.
I don't know what happened,but fertilizer miracle grow.
I don't know,
but they're always gonna bethis to me, always my babies.
This is longing,
(30:47):
hugs, feel so good.
Those real hugs.
I wish everybody would get over theirwhole phobia of displays of affection.
Hugs are a beautiful thing.
Jesus believed in hugs.
He wasn't a hands off,kinda kinda savior, but um.
(31:15):
I won't lie.
There's times that I long to feelwhat it's like to have mom hug
you when you walked in the door.
I still have times even at this age.
What does that feel like?
What is it like to be loved like that,
to have mom waiting for you?
(31:38):
I don't know, but I can be that.
That's a whole lot better than if I gotthat hug being that is so much better
than if I would've had my wishes answered.
If I would've had it my way,I wouldn't be here because I'd
(32:01):
be busy with family trying to
be with family.
Who don't think like me, actlike me, believe with me,
believe like me, love like me.
I have a family that are, these are hardthings to say, but I'm gonna say it.
(32:27):
I love them dearly, but they are notpeople I would choose to have close
relationship with in my life becauseof how they treat people around them.
And that's hard reality'cause it's family.
Why am I longing for that?
Because it hurts to be loved that way.
(32:52):
I long for things because I longfor the idea of something, not the
actual reality a lot of the times.
Does that make sense?
Understand that difference.
We up and long for the pictureof something like me family.
You know, think of that NormanRockwell, if anybody remembers who
(33:14):
Norman Rockwell is, but you know thefamily all sitting there, you know,
around the table, everybody's happy.
The kids are all beaming andsmiling, and dad's getting
ready to carve the roast beep.
And mom's putting the trayand mashed potatoes down.
Everybody's great and oh, youcan just feel how amazing it is.
(33:34):
Yeah, that was that thing that Ilonged for, like the idea of that.
But I now recognize that I don'tlong for what was reality in my life.
I don't long for that.
I long for something that never was.
(33:57):
I need to stop doing that, and I need tobe fully in reality, it's better to be
fully in reality than longing for ideas.
Because that could derail us badly.
'cause our minds go endlessly.
(34:19):
This verse will seem a little odd,but we're gonna talk about it.
I'll make up for the years of the locust,the great locust ion locust, savage,
locust, deadly, fierce locust, locustsof doom, that great locust invasion.
I sense your way.
You'll eat your fill of good food.
(34:41):
At the time in Joel, when this waswritten, there was a huge famine
going on, mainly due to the locusts.
Grasshoppers at ate everything.
Everything was gone.
Like people were hungry.
This was a devastation to the ground.
I mean, it turns places into deserts.
(35:02):
I mean, the ground is laid bare.
And this was horrible, but we need tothink of this sometimes as we read about
analogies and think about your life.
Think about your life beingthat field, and now think of
all these events happening.
Those are the locusts.
Some of them are savage,some of them are deadly.
They're fierce.
(35:23):
They can feel like doom,
and they just lay our lives to waste.
All these things can flatten 'em, leavingus starving and dying and in devastation.
But what does God say if he'sgonna ask you to go through that
(35:46):
or allow that into your life?
What does he say?
I'll make up for the years of the locust.
You'll eat your fill of good food.
The more I sat with that verse,the more I really, really liked it.
(36:07):
I liked the way it describedmy life in that way.
I like that word picture kind of thing.
'cause my life has been laid bare so manytimes by things I chose to allow into it.
And God allowed it to happen.
He's often given it to me, you know, bothbarrels, because this one, she takes some
(36:31):
doing sometimes to get through to her.
I'm recognizing now though, I'm in myseason of the, I'll make up for it,
man.
I was dreading today, mother's Day fora couple months before it gets here.
(36:54):
It's just the way my mind works.
Some things are just rawto me, but this year.
It is different.
Does it still hurt?
Yeah, and it always will,
but man, I'm keeping my headup and I'm keeping my eyes
much more where they should be.
(37:15):
And this is happening in my life,
not financially.
I don't have bank statements.
I got bunches of commas in it.
And I mean, it's nice if sometimes ifthere is a comma in there, that's great.
There's a decimal.
'cause there's cents that come after that.
We got those all the time.
So I'm happy with that.
But man, in the ways in whichmy life is being rebuilt,
(37:42):
the good food coming my way,
I never, it is beyondmy wildest imagination.
Don't make God small.
Don't expect.
Small God doesn't work that way.
When you full out, open your arms to him,you full out say, God, I'm out of the way.
(38:10):
Help me.
'cause I'm kind of stubborn and Ihave to learn lessons and I like to
get in the way and I like to give yousuggestions 'cause I know you're busy.
You know I used to do that.
God, you're busy so I'lljust do it my way for you.
But God,
he has never failed and there'sbeen times in my life like
(38:34):
that song, can I be honest?
I wondered if he was working.
Where are you?
Like where I don't see God in any of this.
And now looking back, all I see is God.
All of it because everybit of it kept me moving.
I have a calling on my life.
(38:55):
We all do.
Every single one of us has aspecific calling on our life.
I love seeing peoplestep into their calling.
It excites me.
The, the calling on my life.
I had no idea it includedthis, what I'm doing right now.
No idea.
(39:16):
But I can honestly say thetiming of God's plan is perfect.
There was no other time in lifethat I was ready until now.
'cause I had so many lessons to learn.
I didn't get called to pastorin a denominational church.
(39:37):
I was called to recovery church.
I have a very specific calling on my life.
And I am so grateful for a God wholoved me enough to allow me the
lessons that I would need to do this.
And even saying that I understandthat as a human, that makes no
(40:00):
sense because if you only knewwhat I was saying, thank you for,
it's things most people wouldnever say thank you for.
But I am.
Don't take those lessons from mylife because then you're gonna take
(40:20):
from what I needed from my calling.
I cannot,
I will never be able to answer thespecific questions of why me or why
(40:40):
is it seem to be so much harder.
On some life experiences, I will not beable to answer that specifically for you.
But I know that some have experiencedthings that are beyond the mind.
I know that
(41:01):
I don't know the wise, fully outside of welive in this fallen, broken, dying world.
But I also know beyond the shadowof a doubt that God is going to
do something amazing with thethings that seem especially awful.
I promise you.
(41:23):
I promise you.
And if you say, I don't believeit, please just come and find me.
'cause I'm gonna tell you allthe ways that he did for me.
I won't do it here,
but the ugliest of things.
(41:45):
Really become beautifulwhen God's done with them.
He wasn't the ugly.
He wasn't the bad.
And I don't want us to mistake that.
We often think the cancerGod gave me cancer.
God let me be assaulted.
God took this from me.
God did that.
God is love.
And please tell me how love is cancer.
(42:07):
Tell me how love is losing a child.
Tell me how love is causing somebody.
Deep hurt.
And grief and pain,
though those things aren't love.
That's the result of sin in a dying world.
But love is a God that steps in andsaid, even though you chose this, I
(42:33):
am giving you the way out completely.
And there's nothing you haveto do other than just say,
I believe you and I want it.
There's nothing you can do andyou don't have to just love,
(42:54):
and this will always be,
oh, some of us are in a season of,we're on the other side of things.
We're working our recovery andwe're getting these opportunities.
We get to rebuild trust with our families.
And that road's always a realsmooth sailing, isn't it?
(43:18):
Smooth surface.
Everybody's all like, thisis great, and it's perfect.
It's not.
Rebuilding.
Trust takes so much time.
I'll use my husband as an examplebecause I always do and because you're
there and I know your story, so.
(43:41):
Robert gets outta prison.
He had spent a lot of time,you know, planning and really
wanting to lean into being a dad.
He'd been away.
And, you know, addiction does that andit, you know, writing the letters, making
the little gifts, you know, connecting.
I wanna go home and be that dad.
You know?
(44:03):
I don't know why God worked eventsthe way that he did because that
first time he came back planning onthat to be full in Dad, just days
before he came home, God took twoof 'em to heaven in a car accident.
(44:25):
Well, you still get to go home
now.
You're fresh out of jail, prison.
And now two of your four kidsare no longer on this earth.
You didn't get to say goodbye.
You didn't get to be at the funeral even.
Do you think family was fully ready atthat point to say, here you go Robert.
(44:48):
Here's the other two.
There you go.
That didn't happen either.
Things were weird because family,
they know us from their past experienceswith us and they can have mistrust.
They're not real sure, well, we'vebeen raising your kids for you
(45:10):
'cause you weren't there and so nowyou come waltzing in and want 'em.
Yeah, right.
That happens a lot.
My heart hurts in those situations badly.
Robert came back and stayedback here in Michigan.
(45:31):
Really working to lean intofamily and the kids' lives.
It wasn't smooth sailing,it wasn't ready acceptance.
It wasn't an immediate, oh,we're so glad you're back.
Here's the kids.
Boy, it's been a, no,they made it difficult.
They weren't rah rah, excited.
Uh, there you go.
(45:54):
He had to do a lot of this,
a lot of that proving, and that canbe tough sometimes because we know
our heart, we know how we feel, weknow we're different and changed,
and then those things creep in ourhead like, oh, you get so angry.
This isn't fair.
'cause I'm doing things right now.
I've got my life together.
(46:15):
I want to be a dad.
I wanna be a mom.
It's all I want.
Why can't I be?
And family or other people can getin the way of that, but sometimes.
You get those doors open, you getopportunities for spending time
and doing the thing, and we have towork through those processes too.
(46:38):
Always remembering like it or not,we do have some rebuilding to do.
It's worth taking the time to do this.
It's worth fighting thefrustration and anger we get at
people keeping our kids from us.
(46:59):
I want to parent my kids.
Can I please have my kids?
Sometimes it's court, sometimesit's family that make that a battle.
God sees that.
He sees that he's with you in that.
He's also with your kids in that.
Continue the course though.
(47:21):
Do everything you can.
Earn that trust.
You can't make them do anything.
But if you know the pathway set foryou, sometimes we have to walk it
even when it's not the way we want itto go, but those kids are worth it.
(47:41):
Don't get derailed by other adultsmaking it difficult for you.
Some of the times wekind of have to own that.
That's kind of the price we payfor choices we made in the past.
Sometimes we have to pay somedues even when our life is being
lived the way it should be.
I know there's still dues I haveto pay because of way past choices.
(48:02):
That's just the nature oflife in the way that it goes.
Gets better every single day.
But always start with this.
Trust God from the bottom of your heartand don't try to figure out everything.
On your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything youdo and everywhere you go, he's the one
(48:27):
who will keep you, should be on track.
So sorry, spelling error.
Trust God.
Trust God.
When you're trying to regain familytrust so you can regain more time
(48:47):
with kids and hopefully full custody.
Trust God with the kids who arewandering from home and leave you
terrified every day over them for theirwellbeing because you just know that
this life they're living isn't safe.
That something could happen out there.
(49:08):
Those endless nights of, are they okay?
Are they not okay?
Trust them from the bottom of your heart.
That means with everything you've gotand some days, that's what it takes.
Everything.
You got to trust them with that.
(49:28):
And then that next part, don'ttry to figure it out on your own.
How many of us do that all the time?
We sit and stew and stew.
Me too stew.
Like trying to figure out the answer.
And sometimes do we stop and listen?
Have we even asked our father thequestion or have we just spent the
(49:54):
whole time trying to figure it out?
Ah,
feeling forgotten and uncelebrateddays like this can really hit home.
(50:16):
These things,
just
scroll through Facebook, look at allthe moms, all the kids with their
messages, all the flowers, pictures,
(50:38):
and you are like, I don't have apicture to put up for Mother's Day.
They don't have Hallmark cardsfor moms who might not have
custody of their kids right now.
There's a lot of things theydon't make Hallmark cards for,
(51:02):
so you kinda watch from theoutside wanting to be part of it.
You know, you can both equallycelebrate and be happy for people.
And what they're celebrating andwhat they have, and at the same
time just feel just grief stricken.
(51:30):
Many mother's days havefelt like this for me.
This year's just a strange one.
I feel a little like haven'tquite put, you know, my own
mother's death fully in place yet.
It's what happens withunfinished business.
(51:51):
It's just how it is.
But man, that feeling, beingforgotten, just feeling alone,
like nobody's gonna celebrate me.
You don't celebrate a mom who doesn'thave her kids with her right now.
(52:12):
I will.
I will sit with you.
I love you.
I will notice you.
I will see you.
I won't forget you.
(52:37):
You aren't a bad human being
if you don't happen tohave your kids with you.
Not in my book.
If you don't have a mom that's gonnareach out and pour love into you,
you need a mom figure, come find me.
'cause I'll do that.
(53:02):
There are people all around here thatwill do those things for everybody,
and it's important to watch forthose people because we need you.
Because feeling forgottenand uncelebrated, that should
never happen in God's family.
(53:23):
That's why it doesn't often feel thatway when I'm at this building with
all of you, because you're not peoplethat overlook and don't see people.
You are seen here
(53:43):
exactly where you're at with all of yourlife experiences and what you have in
your life and what you may not have inyour life, and we're here for it all.
But God, this is what God says to you.
That's how much you mean to me.
(54:12):
That's how much I love you.
I'd sell off the wholeworld to get you back.
I would trade creation just for you,
but I gave you my only son.
Instead,
(54:38):
literally it says, I would givecreation everything I created for you.
You don't do that for somebodywho's forgotten and uncelebrated.
You don't do that forsomebody who's unseen.
You don't do that forsomebody who's not loved.
(54:59):
You give everything to someonewho means everything to you.
But it wasn't
the creation.
He gave his very self inthe form of his only son.
(55:25):
If God can give everything, that'severything, there is nothing
more than God could sacrifice toget you back than his very self.
(55:46):
He allowed his son to experienceevery emotion you're feeling today.
Every bit of it as a human would feel it.
But it was God experiencing that.
I can't comprehend some ofthese things, but he did that.
So we have a savior that we can identifywith because he knows us inside and out.
(56:11):
He both formed us and breathedlife into us, but he also lived
as us in every way helpless, brandnew baby needing diaper changes.
Can you imagine changing God's diaper?
I mean, seriously.
(56:33):
There's so often we'll get askedto, you know, do something for
somebody is like, oh my goodness,that's an awful lot to ask.
But my father asked that of hisone and only got a job for you
(56:54):
because I really love these people.
And they're really hurting andthey're really suffering, and
I want to make it all right.
So I'm gonna allow them to killyou and you will die and experience
hell so they don't have to.
And he said, okay,
(57:18):
because I love them too.
They're my brothersand they're my sisters.
I can't restore to youfamily that may be lost.
I can't bring a mom back in your life.
I can't bring kids back into your life.
I can't take the hurt away.
(57:41):
I don't have magic words at poof.
Everything is all great again.
But what I can tell you about is Jesus.
I can tell you that you can trust him
(58:02):
with everything.
I can beg you to be willing tojust get out of your way and be
fully in and present with God.
Like, I wish I could doubledog dare you, challenge you.
Just do it.
Try it.
(58:23):
Just give me a week of full out.
I'm all in for God.
I don't care what people say.
I don't care if they wanna laugh at me.
I just, I don't care because, man,God, because when you really sit
and think about what he's done,what he's fixed, what he's planning,
what he's walking with you through,
(58:46):
is it that hard to get excited about him?
I've made a fool outta myselfat some awesome rock shows.
Our live music thingsmaking an absolute fool.
My hands just are waving in the airand dancing in, having a great time.
And for years I celebrated God like this.
(59:10):
I don't wanna sing too loud'cause my voice is bad,
and you don't always have to singloud, but are we in active worship?
When those words are being raised,do we think about what we're saying?
Do we think about what he isactually saying and doing?
(59:32):
Or is it just, just somewords with a cool tune
because granted a lot of the stuff,yeah, I really like the music
too, but it's about the words.
I lean into those words becauseit's healing to my soul,
because it gives me hope.
(59:54):
Because it's a way to say thank you andto celebrate God and what he is done.
Because every single one of you, whenyou walked today, he walked in with you
and said, I know where you're hurting.
I know what you want, and Iknow what you're asking for.
Even if you're not using words or sayingit out loud, I know and I'm right here.
(01:00:18):
I'm just waiting for you to look at me andsay, I trust you, and then hand it to me.
Just hand it to me so you cankeep on living joyfully and
full while I work out the yuck.
We don't have to do that for ourselves.
(01:00:41):
You are allowed to live joyfully while thechaos in your life is getting repaired.
I didn't know that.
I felt guilty.
I'm estranged for my kids.
I can't look like I'm having fun in life.
What will people think?
I don't care about my kids.
Like I literally that consumed me.
(01:01:01):
So I, I, I refuse to be happy because momsthat are estranged from their kids can't
look like they're happy and liking life.
Don't listen to those lies.
Don't listen to those lies
'cause that's what they are.
(01:01:22):
They're lies.
No matter your losses, youcan live a life of joy.
It's okay to grieve, but don't grieveimagined ideas that you wanted.
Those were never real.
(01:02:08):
I don't even know how to,
why do we not trust a God that would gothat far to show us how much he loves us?
If he wasn't gonna handle it and takecare of it, why would he have done this?
What point was there to Jesusif he wasn't going to handle it?
(01:02:34):
And if Jesus said, I love you.
And I don't want you to suffer,and suffering is feeling
estranged and longing and loss.
He paid for those things onthe cross because he doesn't
(01:02:54):
want us living in those.
He doesn't want us living ina life consumed with those.
Why?
Because people are gonna know whohe is when he watches us living our
life with our eyes fully on him.
As we're walking through thehardest moments of our life.
(01:03:17):
There is no better testimony for whoGod is than for somebody who is just
a light in this world, eyes on Jesusdoing their thing and living their
life, and then you find out what'sactually going on in their life.
Like you wanna know what's the secret?
How do you do that?
Let me tell you, his name is Jesus.
(01:03:38):
That's why.
That's why if we walk around justlike utterly crushed and defeated,
like I just can't go on anymore,and that's how we walk through life.
Are you gonna wanna buythe Jesus they're selling?
What part of that life looks great?
(01:03:58):
Yeah.
Have Jesus in your life so you can livemiserable just like me, as I'm suffering
over all these sins that Jesus died for.
What are we doing?
Why can't we let it be finished?
I know we're humans.
I know
(01:04:20):
I struggle.
I probably will likely alwayshave moments on Mother's Day
that aren't gonna be super great.
I have a relationship that'spretty tense with my mother-in-law.
(01:04:41):
We talk.
It's not that we don't, I welcomethere and, and they're welcome here.
But um, there just was a situationand it's hasn't been great since.
Um, she fell and had a seriousdislocation of her arm yesterday.
(01:05:02):
So that's how she's spendingMother's Day recuperating from that.
And, um, I need to workon that relationship too.
And I'm not sure why Iam resistant to that.
I think I just don't wanna behurt again by a mom in my life,
but that's my failure and I need to trust.
So
(01:05:25):
just remember that he sees you asyou are with the losses you have.
Whether you're suffering the lossof a mom, whether you're estranged
from your mom or your kids, you'redealing with the shame or guilt.
Remember
(01:05:45):
that God saw that and he knew that,
and let him be there in thoseempty dark spaces so he can
bring light in those spaces.
'cause it's my prayer
that that enemy, that liar doesn't usethose raw things to take you further
(01:06:12):
from God because it's what he does.
Just remember he loved you enough
to give you him.
And he loved you enough to say, yes,I want to do this without hesitation,
(01:06:33):
doesn't mean your daysare gonna be perfect.
Nobody should ever expect, as soon asyou're a full in with Jesus person,
everything's gonna go so good.
I can talk about that too.
I think we all could.
Life isn't perfect for all in.
(01:06:56):
People promise you.
In fact, you're gonna find outit can get even more turbulent
at times because I'm telling you,the one who's a liar, our enemy,
Satan, he doesn't have to waste time
(01:07:17):
on people already looking athim and what he's offering.
But as soon as you say I am all inwith the one who's already won, you
put that target on your back andhe sees it and he sees it, and he
wants to take you out of your game.
(01:07:37):
And what better way to do it thanthrough the ones you love the most?
I'm not gonna let him win that way.
I won't.
And I hang on every day to God'spromises because he promise
that he hears and he answers.
(01:08:01):
And I do believe that all thathas been lost will be restored.
I just don't know if itwill be on this earth.
And I finally reached the point whereI'm okay with that because this is a pale
comparison to what I have waiting for me.
(01:08:22):
And that allows me to live a life of fun.
It's why I could go on a dance floorand dance really badly with Katie and
have a great old time last night andnot care even with estranged children
and the loss of a mom recently.
Happy.
And I'm joyful because I see whathe has answered and given it is my
(01:08:48):
hope and prayer that if you're heretoday and you're hurting, if you're
a mom and your heart is broken orsuffering, come and find some of us.
'cause we've got some loveto pour into you today.
I am really glad that you are here.
We want you and we love you.
And we see you for moms thatare hurting over children.
(01:09:10):
We love you dearly and we're here foryou and we see you and we recognize it.
And you're an amazing mom.
For those who are missing theirmoms who aren't here anymore,
we're so sorry for your loss.
(01:09:30):
It's so hard.
But we're so glad that you're here.
Let us love you, because that's whatchurch does when church is living
properly as living, breathing humanbeings, just loving each other.
(01:09:55):
Really glad that you're here today.
My mom died a few months ago.
You know, I did the make amends,but it had to be through a letter
'cause she wouldn't see me.
And, um, she died before, you know,any face-to-face, no conversation,
(00:21):
no reconnection, no that.
So I got that.
And there's others sitting herethat I know are just suffering
losses also of many differentkinds for many different reasons.
There's estrangements that happen.
It doesn't matter how it happened.
(00:42):
The hurt is the same.
We have suffering over our childrenwho may be walking journeys right
now that cause our hearts tojust ache heavy every single day.
We have others that may be perhapslong to be a mother, and that wasn't
gifted to them in their life, andthey were called to something else.
(01:05):
That's another kind of a grief.
So instead of spending the whole daybeing rah rah mom, which I am, I'm all
about rah rah, mom, go, moms, we'reall beautiful, wonderful creations who
gave birth to beautiful, precious life,
but I don't want it to be that typical
(01:27):
service.
You know, there's, I don't havethe picture perfect Pinterest photo
booth with mom and all the kidsand all your matching ensembles.
And we're not gonna do that.
We're not gonna do the flowerthing, we're just, we're just
not gonna do those things.
'cause I can rememberthose things hurt me.
I didn't want your flower, Ididn't wanna be made to say
it in that stupid photo booth.
(01:50):
'cause the ones I wanted to behaving a photo with weren't there.
So please don't remind me of that.
So obviously it's not a bad thing, it's abeautiful gesture and I appreciate that.
But there's others of us that I hopetoday we can talk to you a little
bit because we sure do love you
(02:11):
and so does God who sees you right asyou are with the feelings, your feeling.
Right now we're gonna talk through someof the different emotions we may face.
You know, most of us here are inrecovery and it's Mother's Day.
(02:31):
And often the things that led us tobeing in recovery were things that
perhaps didn't make us the best momor the mom that we wanted to be.
And I can say that because that's me.
I can tell you that 40 years ofdrinking didn't make you a perfect mom.
I wasn't a terrible mom.
(02:54):
You know, my kids were fed,somehow figured out how to
keep 'em in a private school.
But that was just my stupid thinking.
That thought, that's what I had to do.
Life would've been way better if Iwould've realized I didn't have to
do that, pay that money, whatnot.
It doesn't matter.
But still, the fact remains that therewere times when I was a bad mom, when
(03:14):
I wasn't there when I should have.
My addiction took meaway from them at times.
'cause you know, I didn'tdrink in front of my kids.
So what did that mean?
Well, if you're not drinkingin front of your kids, you're
drinking away from your kids.
Yeah, that's better, isn't it?
And then the family stuff that can come.
We may be estranged from our own mothers.
(03:35):
You know, I dealt with that.
I know what that feels like.
It doesn't feel good, you know, it's ahard day when you can't make that phone
call and share that day and that lunchand that dinner and all those things.
Those are hard things.
It's grief.
That's grief on a day that, youknow, our American Hallmark holidays
(03:57):
often cause hurt instead of whatI know the intended purpose was.
So I wanna talk about those things,you know, the yucky side of it.
'cause Mother's Day is a good day.
We're all here because we had amother, some of us had amazing,
loving, kind mothers, others of us.
(04:23):
I can't wait till youget to see her again.
Talk with her, but not right now.
'cause I kinda like having you around.
Please, God.
So, um, you know, and others of usmay have had mothers that perhaps
lacked in that mom category.
My mother struggled to be a mom.
I don't know what her backstory is.
(04:43):
She never talked about it,never talked about her life.
I know her parents and theywere cold, harsh, domineering
people that weren't kind.
I imagine my mother'supbringing was not good.
And once I realized that, I suddenly feltall sorts of grace towards her because
I don't know what kind of pain she had.
It's not natural for a mom to not lovetheir child or care for their kiddos.
(05:08):
So what was it?
Something happened.
Something happened, but I am not gonnaknow until I get reunited up there.
But God sees you if yourfamily doesn't seem to.
If your kids don't seemto, your father does.
(05:32):
Can a mother forget theinfant at her breast or walk
away from the baby She bore?
It starts that way because it innatehuman nature for a mom and her child.
We don't forget them.
We don't stop loving them.
We don't stop wanting them.
That's just natural instincts.
Yes, I know there's anomalies.
(05:52):
I do know that.
But nature itself at it's core, youwanna watch a mother go in full out,
fury harm her child, go after her child.
But even if mothers forget, I'dnever forget, you never look.
(06:16):
I've written your hands, yournames on the backs of my hands.
The walls you are rebuildingare never out of my sight.
I don't think my mother forgot me, butI don't know what she thought of me.
(06:41):
I do know that caused meendless amounts of turmoil.
I do know that it took anawful lot of space in my head.
Took a lot of time out oflife trying to figure out,
wondering, but does she love me?
Does she ever think about me?
Does she ever?
I do the same thingwith my estranged kids.
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The ones who don't come around, the oneswho don't call the ones who, in fact
respond to my messages with some pretty.
Big vulgarities in no uncertainterms, letting them know
their feelings at that time.
(07:25):
But I think of all that time thatI sat in darkness and despair
and loneliness and fear, and thisendless, well, what can I do?
What can I do?
How can I prove to them?
How do I get 'em back?
How do I, how do I, how do I,
but I took my eyes off the onewho never stopped seeing me, the
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one who never stopped loving me.
The one who always provided, the onewho always said, but I'm right here.
Trust me.
Keep looking at me.
But that's hard because we're wiredfor family and community, right?
And it's our assumption that yourblood family are gonna be the ones
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that you know, they're the closest.
They lean in, always there for you.
And unfortunately, in thisworld, that's not always true.
And often sources of ourgreatest and deepest loss in
pain is family, blood, family.
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I have had some pretty intensespiritual evolutions the past few weeks.
I have no idea what's happening,but I can say that I'm loving it.
I finally realized that I'm donestewing and dwelling over what I don't.
(08:56):
Have, because in my mind Iwas waiting for what I wanted.
I had a picture in my mindof what it's gonna look like.
Like I literally could have allthese elaborate things you like.
All my family is gonna all of asudden just say, you know what?
God has restored to me farmore than what's been taken.
And I didn't see it because I satand focused on what I didn't have.
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And I see that happen with so many people.
Our losses in life, they're big.
Being estranged fromkids, I'm not gonna lie.
That's no joke.
That's brutally hard.
For whatever reason, it's brutal.
Being estranged from family that'sstill living that you can't see
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is brutal.
But that's all I saw.
You know, it's that hole.
I'm looking at it right here.
So I didn't see anything until I steppedaway from it and I started to see this
is just a small group of people in thisworld full of amazing, beautiful people.
And the more I started looking up athim and around me at the people in my
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life, the more I realized that God hasbeen answering my prayer for family.
Always.
I asked that what?
I lost be restored.
I thought he didn't answer, but hedid because you're all sitting here.
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And every day of the week, Iget to see what was restored.
Come walking into thesedoors, get to hug you.
I get to love you.
That answers prayer.
That's that.
I never forget you.
He didn't.
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I forgot that I was asking
for something that I thoughtI wanted and didn't see.
Instead, the answer that wasgiven, and it's a beautiful thing.
I've made the decision that I'm nolonger gonna waste life on things
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that aren't in my life right now.
I can't control that God can, and ifhe desires that to be brought back
in my life, he will make it happen.
But until then, I, it's notthat I don't love my kids.
I do fiercely, fiercely, but evenfor them, I will not give up my joy.
I will not give up my living,
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and God just continues overand over and over to remind
me, to remind us that I'm here.
I'm restoring, but youhave to look up and see me.
You have to see the answer,not just what you wanted.
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Other things that we deal with,we may have had in experience.
The loss of our mother.
They're not even, they'renot physically here.
I've heard a lot of people talkingabout this, and honestly, I love
hearing those stories of thosewonderful relationships with your mom.
I love hearing it because I'm really gladthat it isn't all like mine was 'cause
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that's not how it's supposed to be.
It's beautiful to hear people talkingabout their relationships, about this
hole in their heart that they feel evenyears later because their mom's not there.
Or somebody who's like a mom.
I'm very blessed because Godgave me not one, but two strong,
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amazing, loving older women thathave claimed me as their daughter.
Good women.
They didn't have to, they're not related.
I had shared before that even the wayGod made those paths crossed, it's
like I knew he handpicked them for me.
They know how to love me.
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They know they are both strugglingwith health issues right now,
and I know I'm gonna lose them.
I know that day's coming and
it is gonna be harder forme than when my mother died.
And that sounds maybe bad, but
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I hadn't had a relationship with my ownmother and over 30 years we hadn't talked.
There'd been no conversations.
She didn't know anythingabout me and didn't want to.
But the two women thatstepped into my life,
they're there every single day.
I have a message everysingle day from them.
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I'm not gonna sit in long for what Idon't have when I've been doubly blessed.
And God does that for everybody.
We may feel as if we are filled with loss.
Like it's just been taken.
It's been taken.
These people I care about and love.
It's been taken.
And I'm like, but have you lookedwho God is bringing into your life?
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Who has God brought into there?
Because start looking and watching,because I promise you he's brought
people into that space that willmore to fill it to overflowing.
I know it's not the same.
I know Doris and Kay are notCarol, Carol being my mother,
and yet God gifted them in a waythat allowed them to love me far more
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than my own birth mother ever did.
I don't know how that's possible, butin my life, that's proving possible.
If he can do it for me, he'll doit for every single one of us.
It becomes so vitally important thatwe don't just sit and look at what
we don't have never had or we lost.
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God's covered that.
Also, he understands.
He knows the hurt.
He knows the pain of loss.
Jesus himself knew thathis friend Lazarus died.
And he experienced griefin the loss of Lazarus.
He's dead.
He experienced grief, watching peoplemourning the loss of somebody they
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love dearly, and then he brought'em back, but he shares with us.
He felt the grief, he understands.
He knows what it's like tolose people close to you.
If your heart is broken,you'll find God right there.
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And if you're kicked in the gut,he'll help you catch your breath.
God will never, ever,ever leave you suffering.
And if you feel like he has, maybeyou haven't looked up lately.
I find a lot of times, at leastin my life, those times when you
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felt like suffering just goes onforever, it's not getting any better.
Why isn't it going away?
If God's got this, you know that song.
Can I be honest?
I just need to know if you still gotthis, do you, because I don't see it.
Well, what are we looking at?
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The answers we want orthe way he's answering?
Or is it, I don't wanna wait for itthough, because I want it right now.
'cause I know I, I have that too.
I'm like, God, you know, soyou can tell I'm getting older.
I don't have all the time.
How much longer is this gonna take?
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Maybe he's already answered.
A lot of times I find out that he has.
'cause I'll see it whenI start looking for it.
And other times it's in the patiencethat I've learned my greatest.
Lessons and I'm grateful.
I'm kind of stubborn and thickheaded.
It takes me a while to get it, andthankfully God understands that too.
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He never left me.
It was me that left ordidn't keep looking at him.
He's always been busy,he's always been working.
And the times when I was mosthurting were the times he was the
closest, whether I knew it or not,
even in my most lonelymoments, he was right there.
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He sees me even when I don't see him.
And then we often in recovery, we cansit on today this mother's day, and
that thing starts playing in your head.
Those memories.
The past that shame the feeling.
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I'm just, I'm not enough.
I keep failing, not getting it right.
Look at that super mom over there.
Always doing it rightand getting it right.
Relationship with my mom isbroken because of choices I made.
Family doesn't wanna talk to me.
I'm not invited over 'cause I don'tknow how I'm gonna behave or if
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I'm gonna clear out their house.
We think these things in our headand that shame man, it destroys you.
It will eat you up inside that hole.
You're not good enough that constantlywhispering in your ear, but remember
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when you're really screwed up bad.
Remember that?
Yeah, we remember that too.
Everybody knows what a screw up you are.
Everybody knows how bad you are.
Everybody knows you're a druggie.
Everybody knows you're a drunk.
And we sit there and we own all this stuffand we sit with it and we hold onto it.
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Even as we're in recovery, we'renot drinking and using anymore.
We're working.
We're working our recovery.
We're thriving and we're living.
We're becoming the peoplewe were meant to be.
And yet we still sit in these feelingsquite often that just don't seem to leave
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us because I know for me, as a mom lookingat my kids as a really big reminder,
'cause for me, sometimes I sit and thinkI was trusted with something so precious.
How did I screw up that job so bad?
How?
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How?
Because I love my kids.
The last thing in the world Iwould ever, ever deliberately
choose would be to harm my kids.
And I know that's true forevery single one of us in here.
Not one single one of us woulddeliberately choose to harm our kids.
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And that's why substance use and addictionis such an evil vile thing because we
become what we would never choose to be.
And then we're left to dealwith the fallout of it.
We sit in shame, we sitwith, uh, aren't we enough?
And for those of us who don't havethe benefit of being with family or
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kids, this just gets more intense.
'cause we're lonely and we're aloneas we get to watch all the people
walking around, you know, havingtheir best Mother's Day thing.
But with the arrival of Jesus the Messiah,that fateful dilemma is resolved because
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those who enter into Christ being herefor us no longer have to live under
a continuous, low lying black cloud.
I'm gonna read this anotherverse that goes along with this.
I love how the message describes things.
I love how it reads, but I love mostof all that because of Jesus and what
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he's given us, those feelings that wesit with, that shame, I'm not enough.
It was all covered.
It was all taken care of in completion.
We talk about that often here.
He said it is finished.
That includes those times whenmaybe we weren't a great mom.
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Because guess what?
He was there with you in those moments,but he was also with your children.
In those moments,
he was with your family.
In those moments, there isnothing that's a surprise to him.
He didn't say it was finished, exceptthat time you were a crappy parent.
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Yeah, I ain't covering that one.
He doesn't look at you and say thatever, ever, and he knows it all.
He even knows the thingsyou don't remember doing.
You know, blackout drunk times.
Hmm.
Yeah.
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It is bad enough that Iknow things I've done.
It's worse when I know thingsthat I don't know that I've done.
Uh,
but he does.
Mm-hmm.
And he didn't hesitate.
Not even for a second knowing it all.
The last thing he wants is for you to besitting there consumed and living a life
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of shame, that low lying black cloud.
I think we can all understand that.
That describes so well that feeling.
It's heavy, it's awful,and it's overwhelming.
Is that the gift that he gaveto us after what he did, that's
how he wants our lives to be.
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That's how he wants us to feel.
He knows what's in your life.
He knows how hard it is.
He knows your longing
and still he's like, please just look atme, because even in this, I don't want
you living in this low lying black cloud.
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Trust me, even with this,trust me to restore.
Or trust me to make things rightaccording to my plan in it, there
is no guarantee, I have no guaranteethat I will be reconciled with my
children before I die here on Earth.
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I have zero guarantees of that,but I know a hundred percent
that God's already got it handled.
Whether it happens here or it happensafter I live too much of my life, just
(24:17):
desperately saying it has to happen.
Like I can even imagine these things.
It's like, oh, my kids will get the call.
You know, mom's about 103 years old andI think she's gonna go this time and
they're all gonna come 'cause they'reall gonna wanna see me before I die.
Why do I do that?
I don't know.
It's human nature, you know?
I imagine, well maybe then.
They'll say, yeah, I'll comesee mom, but what if they don't?
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Will I be disappointed in that moment?
Then I will if I live mywhole life expecting that.
So I'm working very hard to live mylife expecting what God brings to it.
Hmm.
It may not be my birth kids, but inthe meantime, I'm gonna stay real busy
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loving all my other kids because God'sbrought me a whole lot of broken people
that just need people to love 'em.
And I can do that endlessly,
and we can do that for each other,can be there for each other.
We're all experiencing sufferingand loss of some kind or another.
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We can all carry that for each other.
Rotmans eight 17 then says, andif we go through hard times with
him, then we're certainly gonna gothrough the good times with him.
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Do we read these words andunderstand what he's saying to us?
He's like, child, look at me.
If I'm asking you to do this hardstuff, it's because I've got really
good things waiting for you, and I'mgonna be there with you in that too.
But I'm not throwing youthrough this by yourself.
I'm not saying figure itout and get through it.
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I just am asking youto trust me with this.
'cause I do have a plan.
I know
what you're feeling.
I know what you want.
I know you want your kids.
I know you want your mom.
I know.
I know.
I know.
And he's like, but know that I love you.
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Know that I see you and know that I amworking behind the scenes always for you
because I have the best in mind for you.
I catch myself all the timesaying, I sure wish I would've
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learned these lessons way earlier.
I do, but I know me.
And that would've been a complacent Heidithat just knew stuff but didn't live it.
It's been the really junkyparts of my life that made this.
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I don't want to go through thelesson again, but I don't want
the lessons removed from my life
loss.
Made me learn how to love.
I am not somebody that wisheseverybody feels like me.
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In fact, it's the opposite.
I don't want people to have to feellike I did, and that's how we're
supposed to live life, to take the junk
and turn it into an expressionof love over others.
I know that that's donemiraculous things in my life
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because if we don't do that, we oftenjust sit with the junk and instead
of healing through loving others,we destroy through hating ourself.
We talk about serving and.
That and loving others.
Often here it's because we're acommunity that believes in that.
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We know the power of it, but we know thepower of the opposite when it's all self.
It's how we ended up probablyin the situations we were in,
'cause it was very self-focused.
I find that when I am so focused onpeople outside of me and how can I
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serve and how can I love, I don't wastetime sitting with my junk anymore.
I don't have time for that andthat's a good thing in my life.
'cause my brain is a vast wasteland of Icould go for days through this thing, but,
but that's not good.
It's so much better to keep myeyes on him, who promised I'm there
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for those great times, but evenmore I'm there for when it's hard.
Oh, longing.
Longing is,
oh, the feeling of it.
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It can either be that great thing,you know, like you have this
vacation plan that's really exciting.
You have this longing for that date tocome, and that's exciting and it's great.
That kinda longing.
That's so good expecting this baby.
Oh, you're just longingto hold this little one.
And then you sit, you know,made all that waiting.
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Everything was great.
And then you can't hold this littleone anymore because they won't come
close enough to you to do that.
Because you know, moms,they're always this right.
Always, even when they're this, allmy kids are like, even my daughter's
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close to six foot and taller.
I don't know what happened,but fertilizer miracle grow.
I don't know,
but they're always gonna bethis to me, always my babies.
This is longing,
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hugs, feel so good.
Those real hugs.
I wish everybody would get over theirwhole phobia of displays of affection.
Hugs are a beautiful thing.
Jesus believed in hugs.
He wasn't a hands off,kinda kinda savior, but um.
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I won't lie.
There's times that I long to feelwhat it's like to have mom hug
you when you walked in the door.
I still have times even at this age.
What does that feel like?
What is it like to be loved like that,
to have mom waiting for you?
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I don't know, but I can be that.
That's a whole lot better than if I gotthat hug being that is so much better
than if I would've had my wishes answered.
If I would've had it my way,I wouldn't be here because I'd
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be busy with family trying to
be with family.
Who don't think like me, actlike me, believe with me,
believe like me, love like me.
I have a family that are, these are hardthings to say, but I'm gonna say it.
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I love them dearly, but they are notpeople I would choose to have close
relationship with in my life becauseof how they treat people around them.
And that's hard reality'cause it's family.
Why am I longing for that?
Because it hurts to be loved that way.
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I long for things because I longfor the idea of something, not the
actual reality a lot of the times.
Does that make sense?
Understand that difference.
We up and long for the pictureof something like me family.
You know, think of that NormanRockwell, if anybody remembers who
(33:14):
Norman Rockwell is, but you know thefamily all sitting there, you know,
around the table, everybody's happy.
The kids are all beaming andsmiling, and dad's getting
ready to carve the roast beep.
And mom's putting the trayand mashed potatoes down.
Everybody's great and oh, youcan just feel how amazing it is.
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Yeah, that was that thing that Ilonged for, like the idea of that.
But I now recognize that I don'tlong for what was reality in my life.
I don't long for that.
I long for something that never was.
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I need to stop doing that, and I need tobe fully in reality, it's better to be
fully in reality than longing for ideas.
Because that could derail us badly.
'cause our minds go endlessly.
(34:19):
This verse will seem a little odd,but we're gonna talk about it.
I'll make up for the years of the locust,the great locust ion locust, savage,
locust, deadly, fierce locust, locustsof doom, that great locust invasion.
I sense your way.
You'll eat your fill of good food.
(34:41):
At the time in Joel, when this waswritten, there was a huge famine
going on, mainly due to the locusts.
Grasshoppers at ate everything.
Everything was gone.
Like people were hungry.
This was a devastation to the ground.
I mean, it turns places into deserts.
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I mean, the ground is laid bare.
And this was horrible, but we need tothink of this sometimes as we read about
analogies and think about your life.
Think about your life beingthat field, and now think of
all these events happening.
Those are the locusts.
Some of them are savage,some of them are deadly.
They're fierce.
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They can feel like doom,
and they just lay our lives to waste.
All these things can flatten 'em, leavingus starving and dying and in devastation.
But what does God say if he'sgonna ask you to go through that
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or allow that into your life?
What does he say?
I'll make up for the years of the locust.
You'll eat your fill of good food.
The more I sat with that verse,the more I really, really liked it.
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I liked the way it describedmy life in that way.
I like that word picture kind of thing.
'cause my life has been laid bare so manytimes by things I chose to allow into it.
And God allowed it to happen.
He's often given it to me, you know, bothbarrels, because this one, she takes some
(36:31):
doing sometimes to get through to her.
I'm recognizing now though, I'm in myseason of the, I'll make up for it,
man.
I was dreading today, mother's Day fora couple months before it gets here.
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It's just the way my mind works.
Some things are just rawto me, but this year.
It is different.
Does it still hurt?
Yeah, and it always will,
but man, I'm keeping my headup and I'm keeping my eyes
much more where they should be.
(37:15):
And this is happening in my life,
not financially.
I don't have bank statements.
I got bunches of commas in it.
And I mean, it's nice if sometimes ifthere is a comma in there, that's great.
There's a decimal.
'cause there's cents that come after that.
We got those all the time.
So I'm happy with that.
But man, in the ways in whichmy life is being rebuilt,
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the good food coming my way,
I never, it is beyondmy wildest imagination.
Don't make God small.
Don't expect.
Small God doesn't work that way.
When you full out, open your arms to him,you full out say, God, I'm out of the way.
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Help me.
'cause I'm kind of stubborn and Ihave to learn lessons and I like to
get in the way and I like to give yousuggestions 'cause I know you're busy.
You know I used to do that.
God, you're busy so I'lljust do it my way for you.
But God,
he has never failed and there'sbeen times in my life like
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that song, can I be honest?
I wondered if he was working.
Where are you?
Like where I don't see God in any of this.
And now looking back, all I see is God.
All of it because everybit of it kept me moving.
I have a calling on my life.
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We all do.
Every single one of us has aspecific calling on our life.
I love seeing peoplestep into their calling.
It excites me.
The, the calling on my life.
I had no idea it includedthis, what I'm doing right now.
No idea.
(39:16):
But I can honestly say thetiming of God's plan is perfect.
There was no other time in lifethat I was ready until now.
'cause I had so many lessons to learn.
I didn't get called to pastorin a denominational church.
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I was called to recovery church.
I have a very specific calling on my life.
And I am so grateful for a God wholoved me enough to allow me the
lessons that I would need to do this.
And even saying that I understandthat as a human, that makes no
(40:00):
sense because if you only knewwhat I was saying, thank you for,
it's things most people wouldnever say thank you for.
But I am.
Don't take those lessons from mylife because then you're gonna take
(40:20):
from what I needed from my calling.
I cannot,
I will never be able to answer thespecific questions of why me or why
(40:40):
is it seem to be so much harder.
On some life experiences, I will not beable to answer that specifically for you.
But I know that some have experiencedthings that are beyond the mind.
I know that
(41:01):
I don't know the wise, fully outside of welive in this fallen, broken, dying world.
But I also know beyond the shadowof a doubt that God is going to
do something amazing with thethings that seem especially awful.
I promise you.
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I promise you.
And if you say, I don't believeit, please just come and find me.
'cause I'm gonna tell you allthe ways that he did for me.
I won't do it here,
but the ugliest of things.
(41:45):
Really become beautifulwhen God's done with them.
He wasn't the ugly.
He wasn't the bad.
And I don't want us to mistake that.
We often think the cancerGod gave me cancer.
God let me be assaulted.
God took this from me.
God did that.
God is love.
And please tell me how love is cancer.
(42:07):
Tell me how love is losing a child.
Tell me how love is causing somebody.
Deep hurt.
And grief and pain,
though those things aren't love.
That's the result of sin in a dying world.
But love is a God that steps in andsaid, even though you chose this, I
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am giving you the way out completely.
And there's nothing you haveto do other than just say,
I believe you and I want it.
There's nothing you can do andyou don't have to just love,
(42:54):
and this will always be,
oh, some of us are in a season of,we're on the other side of things.
We're working our recovery andwe're getting these opportunities.
We get to rebuild trust with our families.
And that road's always a realsmooth sailing, isn't it?
(43:18):
Smooth surface.
Everybody's all like, thisis great, and it's perfect.
It's not.
Rebuilding.
Trust takes so much time.
I'll use my husband as an examplebecause I always do and because you're
there and I know your story, so.
(43:41):
Robert gets outta prison.
He had spent a lot of time,you know, planning and really
wanting to lean into being a dad.
He'd been away.
And, you know, addiction does that andit, you know, writing the letters, making
the little gifts, you know, connecting.
I wanna go home and be that dad.
You know?
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I don't know why God worked eventsthe way that he did because that
first time he came back planning onthat to be full in Dad, just days
before he came home, God took twoof 'em to heaven in a car accident.
(44:25):
Well, you still get to go home
now.
You're fresh out of jail, prison.
And now two of your four kidsare no longer on this earth.
You didn't get to say goodbye.
You didn't get to be at the funeral even.
Do you think family was fully ready atthat point to say, here you go Robert.
(44:48):
Here's the other two.
There you go.
That didn't happen either.
Things were weird because family,
they know us from their past experienceswith us and they can have mistrust.
They're not real sure, well, we'vebeen raising your kids for you
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'cause you weren't there and so nowyou come waltzing in and want 'em.
Yeah, right.
That happens a lot.
My heart hurts in those situations badly.
Robert came back and stayedback here in Michigan.
(45:31):
Really working to lean intofamily and the kids' lives.
It wasn't smooth sailing,it wasn't ready acceptance.
It wasn't an immediate, oh,we're so glad you're back.
Here's the kids.
Boy, it's been a, no,they made it difficult.
They weren't rah rah, excited.
Uh, there you go.
(45:54):
He had to do a lot of this,
a lot of that proving, and that canbe tough sometimes because we know
our heart, we know how we feel, weknow we're different and changed,
and then those things creep in ourhead like, oh, you get so angry.
This isn't fair.
'cause I'm doing things right now.
I've got my life together.
(46:15):
I want to be a dad.
I wanna be a mom.
It's all I want.
Why can't I be?
And family or other people can getin the way of that, but sometimes.
You get those doors open, you getopportunities for spending time
and doing the thing, and we have towork through those processes too.
(46:38):
Always remembering like it or not,we do have some rebuilding to do.
It's worth taking the time to do this.
It's worth fighting thefrustration and anger we get at
people keeping our kids from us.
(46:59):
I want to parent my kids.
Can I please have my kids?
Sometimes it's court, sometimesit's family that make that a battle.
God sees that.
He sees that he's with you in that.
He's also with your kids in that.
Continue the course though.
(47:21):
Do everything you can.
Earn that trust.
You can't make them do anything.
But if you know the pathway set foryou, sometimes we have to walk it
even when it's not the way we want itto go, but those kids are worth it.
(47:41):
Don't get derailed by other adultsmaking it difficult for you.
Some of the times wekind of have to own that.
That's kind of the price we payfor choices we made in the past.
Sometimes we have to pay somedues even when our life is being
lived the way it should be.
I know there's still dues I haveto pay because of way past choices.
(48:02):
That's just the nature oflife in the way that it goes.
Gets better every single day.
But always start with this.
Trust God from the bottom of your heartand don't try to figure out everything.
On your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything youdo and everywhere you go, he's the one
(48:27):
who will keep you, should be on track.
So sorry, spelling error.
Trust God.
Trust God.
When you're trying to regain familytrust so you can regain more time
(48:47):
with kids and hopefully full custody.
Trust God with the kids who arewandering from home and leave you
terrified every day over them for theirwellbeing because you just know that
this life they're living isn't safe.
That something could happen out there.
(49:08):
Those endless nights of, are they okay?
Are they not okay?
Trust them from the bottom of your heart.
That means with everything you've gotand some days, that's what it takes.
Everything.
You got to trust them with that.
(49:28):
And then that next part, don'ttry to figure it out on your own.
How many of us do that all the time?
We sit and stew and stew.
Me too stew.
Like trying to figure out the answer.
And sometimes do we stop and listen?
Have we even asked our father thequestion or have we just spent the
(49:54):
whole time trying to figure it out?
Ah,
feeling forgotten and uncelebrateddays like this can really hit home.
(50:16):
These things,
just
scroll through Facebook, look at allthe moms, all the kids with their
messages, all the flowers, pictures,
(50:38):
and you are like, I don't have apicture to put up for Mother's Day.
They don't have Hallmark cardsfor moms who might not have
custody of their kids right now.
There's a lot of things theydon't make Hallmark cards for,
(51:02):
so you kinda watch from theoutside wanting to be part of it.
You know, you can both equallycelebrate and be happy for people.
And what they're celebrating andwhat they have, and at the same
time just feel just grief stricken.
(51:30):
Many mother's days havefelt like this for me.
This year's just a strange one.
I feel a little like haven'tquite put, you know, my own
mother's death fully in place yet.
It's what happens withunfinished business.
(51:51):
It's just how it is.
But man, that feeling, beingforgotten, just feeling alone,
like nobody's gonna celebrate me.
You don't celebrate a mom who doesn'thave her kids with her right now.
(52:12):
I will.
I will sit with you.
I love you.
I will notice you.
I will see you.
I won't forget you.
(52:37):
You aren't a bad human being
if you don't happen tohave your kids with you.
Not in my book.
If you don't have a mom that's gonnareach out and pour love into you,
you need a mom figure, come find me.
'cause I'll do that.
(53:02):
There are people all around here thatwill do those things for everybody,
and it's important to watch forthose people because we need you.
Because feeling forgottenand uncelebrated, that should
never happen in God's family.
(53:23):
That's why it doesn't often feel thatway when I'm at this building with
all of you, because you're not peoplethat overlook and don't see people.
You are seen here
(53:43):
exactly where you're at with all of yourlife experiences and what you have in
your life and what you may not have inyour life, and we're here for it all.
But God, this is what God says to you.
That's how much you mean to me.
(54:12):
That's how much I love you.
I'd sell off the wholeworld to get you back.
I would trade creation just for you,
but I gave you my only son.
Instead,
(54:38):
literally it says, I would givecreation everything I created for you.
You don't do that for somebodywho's forgotten and uncelebrated.
You don't do that forsomebody who's unseen.
You don't do that forsomebody who's not loved.
(54:59):
You give everything to someonewho means everything to you.
But it wasn't
the creation.
He gave his very self inthe form of his only son.
(55:25):
If God can give everything, that'severything, there is nothing
more than God could sacrifice toget you back than his very self.
(55:46):
He allowed his son to experienceevery emotion you're feeling today.
Every bit of it as a human would feel it.
But it was God experiencing that.
I can't comprehend some ofthese things, but he did that.
So we have a savior that we can identifywith because he knows us inside and out.
(56:11):
He both formed us and breathedlife into us, but he also lived
as us in every way helpless, brandnew baby needing diaper changes.
Can you imagine changing God's diaper?
I mean, seriously.
(56:33):
There's so often we'll get askedto, you know, do something for
somebody is like, oh my goodness,that's an awful lot to ask.
But my father asked that of hisone and only got a job for you
(56:54):
because I really love these people.
And they're really hurting andthey're really suffering, and
I want to make it all right.
So I'm gonna allow them to killyou and you will die and experience
hell so they don't have to.
And he said, okay,
(57:18):
because I love them too.
They're my brothersand they're my sisters.
I can't restore to youfamily that may be lost.
I can't bring a mom back in your life.
I can't bring kids back into your life.
I can't take the hurt away.
(57:41):
I don't have magic words at poof.
Everything is all great again.
But what I can tell you about is Jesus.
I can tell you that you can trust him
(58:02):
with everything.
I can beg you to be willing tojust get out of your way and be
fully in and present with God.
Like, I wish I could doubledog dare you, challenge you.
Just do it.
Try it.
(58:23):
Just give me a week of full out.
I'm all in for God.
I don't care what people say.
I don't care if they wanna laugh at me.
I just, I don't care because, man,God, because when you really sit
and think about what he's done,what he's fixed, what he's planning,
what he's walking with you through,
(58:46):
is it that hard to get excited about him?
I've made a fool outta myselfat some awesome rock shows.
Our live music thingsmaking an absolute fool.
My hands just are waving in the airand dancing in, having a great time.
And for years I celebrated God like this.
(59:10):
I don't wanna sing too loud'cause my voice is bad,
and you don't always have to singloud, but are we in active worship?
When those words are being raised,do we think about what we're saying?
Do we think about what he isactually saying and doing?
(59:32):
Or is it just, just somewords with a cool tune
because granted a lot of the stuff,yeah, I really like the music
too, but it's about the words.
I lean into those words becauseit's healing to my soul,
because it gives me hope.
(59:54):
Because it's a way to say thank you andto celebrate God and what he is done.
Because every single one of you, whenyou walked today, he walked in with you
and said, I know where you're hurting.
I know what you want, and Iknow what you're asking for.
Even if you're not using words or sayingit out loud, I know and I'm right here.
(01:00:18):
I'm just waiting for you to look at me andsay, I trust you, and then hand it to me.
Just hand it to me so you cankeep on living joyfully and
full while I work out the yuck.
We don't have to do that for ourselves.
(01:00:41):
You are allowed to live joyfully while thechaos in your life is getting repaired.
I didn't know that.
I felt guilty.
I'm estranged for my kids.
I can't look like I'm having fun in life.
What will people think?
I don't care about my kids.
Like I literally that consumed me.
(01:01:01):
So I, I, I refuse to be happy because momsthat are estranged from their kids can't
look like they're happy and liking life.
Don't listen to those lies.
Don't listen to those lies
'cause that's what they are.
(01:01:22):
They're lies.
No matter your losses, youcan live a life of joy.
It's okay to grieve, but don't grieveimagined ideas that you wanted.
Those were never real.
(01:02:08):
I don't even know how to,
why do we not trust a God that would gothat far to show us how much he loves us?
If he wasn't gonna handle it and takecare of it, why would he have done this?
What point was there to Jesusif he wasn't going to handle it?
(01:02:34):
And if Jesus said, I love you.
And I don't want you to suffer,and suffering is feeling
estranged and longing and loss.
He paid for those things onthe cross because he doesn't
(01:02:54):
want us living in those.
He doesn't want us living ina life consumed with those.
Why?
Because people are gonna know whohe is when he watches us living our
life with our eyes fully on him.
As we're walking through thehardest moments of our life.
(01:03:17):
There is no better testimony for whoGod is than for somebody who is just
a light in this world, eyes on Jesusdoing their thing and living their
life, and then you find out what'sactually going on in their life.
Like you wanna know what's the secret?
How do you do that?
Let me tell you, his name is Jesus.
(01:03:38):
That's why.
That's why if we walk around justlike utterly crushed and defeated,
like I just can't go on anymore,and that's how we walk through life.
Are you gonna wanna buythe Jesus they're selling?
What part of that life looks great?
(01:03:58):
Yeah.
Have Jesus in your life so you can livemiserable just like me, as I'm suffering
over all these sins that Jesus died for.
What are we doing?
Why can't we let it be finished?
I know we're humans.
I know
(01:04:20):
I struggle.
I probably will likely alwayshave moments on Mother's Day
that aren't gonna be super great.
I have a relationship that'spretty tense with my mother-in-law.
(01:04:41):
We talk.
It's not that we don't, I welcomethere and, and they're welcome here.
But um, there just was a situationand it's hasn't been great since.
Um, she fell and had a seriousdislocation of her arm yesterday.
(01:05:02):
So that's how she's spendingMother's Day recuperating from that.
And, um, I need to workon that relationship too.
And I'm not sure why Iam resistant to that.
I think I just don't wanna behurt again by a mom in my life,
but that's my failure and I need to trust.
So
(01:05:25):
just remember that he sees you asyou are with the losses you have.
Whether you're suffering the lossof a mom, whether you're estranged
from your mom or your kids, you'redealing with the shame or guilt.
Remember
(01:05:45):
that God saw that and he knew that,
and let him be there in thoseempty dark spaces so he can
bring light in those spaces.
'cause it's my prayer
that that enemy, that liar doesn't usethose raw things to take you further
(01:06:12):
from God because it's what he does.
Just remember he loved you enough
to give you him.
And he loved you enough to say, yes,I want to do this without hesitation,
(01:06:33):
doesn't mean your daysare gonna be perfect.
Nobody should ever expect, as soon asyou're a full in with Jesus person,
everything's gonna go so good.
I can talk about that too.
I think we all could.
Life isn't perfect for all in.
(01:06:56):
People promise you.
In fact, you're gonna find outit can get even more turbulent
at times because I'm telling you,the one who's a liar, our enemy,
Satan, he doesn't have to waste time
(01:07:17):
on people already looking athim and what he's offering.
But as soon as you say I am all inwith the one who's already won, you
put that target on your back andhe sees it and he sees it, and he
wants to take you out of your game.
(01:07:37):
And what better way to do it thanthrough the ones you love the most?
I'm not gonna let him win that way.
I won't.
And I hang on every day to God'spromises because he promise
that he hears and he answers.
(01:08:01):
And I do believe that all thathas been lost will be restored.
I just don't know if itwill be on this earth.
And I finally reached the point whereI'm okay with that because this is a pale
comparison to what I have waiting for me.
(01:08:22):
And that allows me to live a life of fun.
It's why I could go on a dance floorand dance really badly with Katie and
have a great old time last night andnot care even with estranged children
and the loss of a mom recently.
Happy.
And I'm joyful because I see whathe has answered and given it is my
(01:08:48):
hope and prayer that if you're heretoday and you're hurting, if you're
a mom and your heart is broken orsuffering, come and find some of us.
'cause we've got some loveto pour into you today.
I am really glad that you are here.
We want you and we love you.
And we see you for moms thatare hurting over children.
(01:09:10):
We love you dearly and we're here foryou and we see you and we recognize it.
And you're an amazing mom.
For those who are missing theirmoms who aren't here anymore,
we're so sorry for your loss.
(01:09:30):
It's so hard.
But we're so glad that you're here.
Let us love you, because that's whatchurch does when church is living
properly as living, breathing humanbeings, just loving each other.
(01:09:55):
Really glad that you're here today.
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