May 5, 2025 • 77 mins
Overcoming Insecurity and Self-Loathing: A Faith-Based Approach
In this episode, Chaplain Heidi Woldhuis of Outreach 419 delves into the topics of insecurity and self-loathing. Drawing insights from Psalms and the story of David, Heidi explores how these feelings are not from God and how they can destructively influence one's life if left unchecked. She discusses the harmful effects of comparison, jealousy, and envy, providing scriptural references to encourage viewers to see themselves as God intended. The chapter emphasizes God's unconditional love, encouraging viewers to embrace their unique creation and find worth beyond superficial measures. Heidi shares personal anecdotes to highlight the transformation possible when one aligns with God's vision of their worth.
00:00 Introduction and Faith
00:06 Insecurity and Self-Loathing
02:25 The Destructive Power of Comparison
07:17 Personal Struggles with Comparison
22:43 Jealousy and Envy in Relationships
33:40 The Value of Self-Worth
34:30 Understanding Codependency
38:39 The Pitfalls of Cheap Relationships
42:34 The Journey to Self-Acceptance
47:21 God's Plan and Self-Worth
51:30 Materialism and Self-Hatred
55:44 Embracing God's Design
01:00:25 The Importance of Knowing Your Worth
01:06:04 Concluding Thoughts on Self-Worth
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I believe in answered prayersand I believe in my father God
and he can do anything, anything.
So on that note, we're gonna moveright on into this insecurity and
self-loathing because boy I know, Isure love feeling those two things,
especially both at the same time.
It's amazing.
(00:22):
Psalm 13, one through two.
We're going to David again becausehe has a way with words and he went
through stuff and he put it out there.
Long enough God, you'veignored me long enough.
I've looked at the backof your head long enough.
Long enough I've carriedthis ton of trouble.
(00:43):
I've lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemieshave looked down their noses at me.
Oh, insecurity and self-loathing.
Has anybody else here everstruggled with those two things?
(01:08):
Anybody?
Seems to be a pretty common thing.
Kind of thought that it was considering.
I hear it a lot, but I also see it.
A lot.
People don't always walk upto you and says, can I talk
to you about my insecurity?
It seems to be something thatwe can observe in somebody.
(01:29):
I know that I can observe it in myself.
I know the signs, I know the cues.
I know what in self-loathingin myself looks.
I'm well practiced in both of these.
I speak that language, butI'm trying to unlearn it.
The destruction in this to a life
(01:50):
is almost beyond my ability to explainwhat will happen if that's left
unchecked, insecurity and self-loathing.
Those are not emotions and feelingsthat our father God gave you.
He didn't say, huh, I love you so much.
I want you to hate yourself.
Does that it?
(02:11):
It makes no sense.
That makes no sense.
Those feelings are not feelings of God.
Those are not feelings andemotions that he left us to sit in.
So we're gonna break down a bit
the parts and piecesthat are in insecurity.
(02:33):
Where does it come from?
How about the comparison thing?
It truly is the thief of joy.
Comparison is a vilething in a person's life.
It leaves us unsettled.
It leaves us unhappy.
It leaves us feeling like we need more.
(02:54):
If we just had more, if we werejust like them, if I look like this,
or if I had that job or my blah,blah, blah, fill in all the blanks.
Then Galatians six, four through eight,Make a careful exploration of who you are.
And the work you have been given,and then sink yourself into that.
(03:17):
Don't be impressed with yourself.
Don't compare yourself with others.
Each of you must take responsibilityfor doing the creative best
you can with your own life.
Be very sure now you who have beentrained to a self-sufficient maturity
(03:39):
that you enter into a generouscommon life with those who have
trained you, sharing all the goodthings that you have and experience.
Don't be misled.
No one makes a fool of God.
What a person plants he will harvest.
The person who plants selfishness,ignoring the needs of others, ignoring
(04:04):
God, harvests a crop of weeds.
And all he'll have to show for his lifeis weeds, but the one who plants in
response to God, letting God's spiritdo the growth work in him, harvest
a crop of real life, eternal life.
(04:28):
Oh, comparison.
I said again with all these topics, thissame old thing, I've gotten used to it.
I think I know.
And then God's like, but I know.
And you'll say these things instead.
(04:49):
So here we are again.
That happened yesterday, so I'mnot changing it on the spot.
This comparison thing though,all through the Bible, we had
examples of people who saw.
And then wanted and way back in thefall already that started even with
people who had it all, who had perfect.
(05:13):
There was one thing though thatthey didn't have access to.
Just one, only one.
And you think about that in the grandscheme of everything Adam and Eve
had, and it was that one thing theydidn't have that got under their skin.
(05:34):
But why?
But I want it.
I want it all.
And that need, thatsaying it's not enough.
Started the fall
and then you get
(05:55):
Moses.
I. Called to lead these people.
Here he is in Egypt, youknow, he'd been a baby.
He was put in this little reed basketand floating, because in Egypt they
were killing all the baby Israelites.
So his mom had this baby boy and hit himas long as she could, and then she put
(06:16):
him in this little reed basket, and thenthe king's daughter finds him and she's
like, oh, I'm gonna take this child homeand raise him as my own, which she did.
So Moses the Israelite, grew up the son ofthe princess of the King Pharaoh of Egypt.
Well, this calling comes on his lifelike, you're gonna lose my people.
(06:38):
And he is like, but I can't.
What about this?
What about that?
Others are better.
Why me?
I don't want to.
And in fact, fled, ran away.
Can't do it.
All these people that just.
Fled into their wildernessbecause, but I'm not good enough.
That comes from comparison.
(07:00):
They've seen somebody that in theirmind, they think is better suited,
has better qualities, this, that, andthe next thing, and then they run.
And I find that's human nature.
At least I hope it is becausethat was my human nature.
I was looking back, tryingto figure out where did
(07:23):
the downfall of this begin in my life?
Like can I remember a time when Ididn't compare myself to others,
when I didn't have insecurity,when I didn't hate myself?
And I literally couldn'tfigure out when that started.
I always remember feeling that way.
(07:43):
I always remember that I had todo better, be better, look better.
Always drilled in me, polished up,looking good, walking into church, perfect
ladies in their dresses, and men in theirsuits and their ties all buttoned up and
looking formal smiles on their faces.
And everybody was great.
(08:06):
And now as an adult, lookingback, I'm like, that was fake.
It was fake.
Mm-hmm.
And what did it do?
It made me wonder what waswrong with me because I didn't
feel the way I was portraying.
I was hurting inside.
And I thought it was just me.
'cause everybody around me alllook happy and everything is good.
(08:32):
And I envied that and I wanted that.
I now know that whatI wanted and I envied.
Was a false reality because Igot to know some of these people
that I envied and behind thescenes I realized real quick, hi.
(08:52):
I really wouldn't have wantedto trade places with them.
We don't know what goes on behindthe scenes in people's lives.
We don't know what it takespeople to get what they have.
I compared everything.
Everything.
(09:12):
The house we lived in, thatwas a big deal growing up.
There was all these comparisons.
Where do you live?
What neighborhood?
This, that, and there was the, the peoplethat lived up the hill and then there's
all the ones that lived down the hill.
Like literally theytalked about it like this.
Oh, thank goodness we lived up here.
Okay, so what?
(09:33):
So what?
It didn't matter.
What we put on our bodies.
Why do we care so much?
Like, and I'm not saying thisbecause it's wrong to like an
outfit you put on your body,
(09:54):
but when did it becomeabout displaying a logo?
Like, I'm struggling to pay mybills, having a hard time paying
for the electric in the water.
Like I'm talking those basicthings, but man, I need to be
branded head to toe and Nike person.
I'm wearing it all.
(10:16):
All of it.
We all know the pricetag that that comes with.
Nike ain't cheap.
You're not gonna go to Walmart andget yourself decked out that way.
It's not gonna happen.
What's wrong with the Walmart clothes?
Or the Walmart brand or the Walmart shoes.
What's wrong with them?
Honestly, what's wrong with Goodwill?
(10:38):
What's wrong with Mal Trotter?
What's wrong with the clothesthat you've had for a year or two?
What's wrong with those?
What's wrong with wearing things thatyou just happen to like, and you don't
care if it's style or not, but when didthat become something that's a goal?
When did that happen and why?
(11:01):
It doesn't matter.
It's not important.
And I say it because it used to be, tome, I used to care about those things.
I used to be a well put togetherwoman hair, always done makeup,
always on my outfit, was always onpoint or whatever you say about it.
And shoes.
(11:22):
I love shoes.
I loved 'em, but my identity became that.
But when you do that, all I didwas I looked at other people and
then this is why it's so bad.
I'll use myself, for example.
So nobody else has to be uncomfortable.
I tend to use myself 'causeI've got endless supplies of
(11:44):
things to be used as an example.
It started to not become good enough.
They had the rightbrands on the right look.
The current trend I started noticing.
It's like, oh, but when shewears it, it looks better on her.
'cause her body's better than mine.
(12:11):
And then that becomes a focus.
But they look better than me.
How can I look better?
Like I need to look better.
Like I, I need to look like that becausethat's better if I could look like her.
If I could be her size.
Oh, life would be so much better.
People would like me more.
I'd have more friends.
I'd get asked out on dates, this and that.
(12:32):
So I fell into that trapand that was so much fun.
Let me tell you, 'cause thereis nothing worse than battling
a full out eating disorder.
I can't tell you the kindof hell that that is.
I can't tell you the kind ofawfulness that takes over in your
(12:53):
mind when you look in a mirror andsee an image that nobody else sees.
Because that was my reality.
I literally was sitting there.
I had my doctor making me comeinto the office twice a week.
I thought it was ridiculous,like, what's a problem?
I'm like, I look amazing.
(13:13):
Look at me.
I was 98 pounds.
The last time he saw,let me look at the scale.
He goes, I will not allow you to seeanother number in this office again.
He goes, one more pound gone.
He goes, I'm putting you in the hospital.
He goes, I'm not doing this anymore.
He goes, I'm not gonna sithere and watch you die.
And I literally was baffledbecause what I saw in the mirror
(13:36):
didn't look like 98 pounds.
That would be me right now
losing about 27 more pounds.
That's the size that I was at thatpoint, and I went down because I
ended up hospitalized against mywill and I still didn't see it
(13:59):
because, oh, I need to look good.
I need to look good.
Didn't matter that the sizes.
I went to find my jeans andmy two no longer was a two.
I asked for the next size downand I thought that was a win.
I was dying so I could look goodbecause other people look so good.
(14:24):
It wasn't good.
It was horrible.
It was a nightmare that took me until Iwas in my early thirties to get beyond.
It took me that long.
It started when I was 15.
15.
(14:48):
I am so thankful for a God that madeus the way that he did, that created
us with all the different haircolors, the different skin colors, the
different heights, the different sizes,the different shapes, the different
bodies every single one of you hasexactly the body he chose for you.
(15:09):
So why like me do we look atit and say, God, I hate it.
I hate it, and I don'twant what you gave me.
I hate it, so I'm gonna change it.
I hate it.
It got a lot better when I'm like,God, thank you for who you made
me to be and help me to love it.
(15:32):
I'm almost there.
I most days I'm doing really good.
Most days I have other days I couldstill stand in the mirror and I'll go
head to toe and tell you, this is wrong.
This is wrong.
I mean, we're entering the season wheremy hair just gonna get outta control and
bigger and bigger every time you see it.
Humidity's gonna do a number.
Oh well, oh well, God's like,that's a hair I want on her head.
(15:56):
It's fabulous and I love it.
'cause isn't she amazing?
That's what God says.
So I'm learning to embrace thatbecause there's joy in that.
To know that who you are as you areis exactly who he wanted you to be.
Like.
He looks at it and says,isn't it beautiful?
(16:17):
Isn't it perfect?
Isn't it amazing?
We don't have to worry about our size.
No matter what size spectrumyou're on, it doesn't matter.
It's exactly as you're meant to be.
And you're beautiful.
And you're beautiful.
My husband has loved me 40pounds heavier than I am now.
(16:43):
And as I am now, thank you.
To an allergy, not by choice.
Eating disorder is not back.
In fact, I'm trying to go the other way,but be careful what you wish for because
that thing I used to wish for, I'm nowstuck with, I don't wanna stay this size.
This isn't the size I want it to be, butGod's like you used to do anything for it.
(17:11):
Anything.
We often compare the homes we live in.
How many of us say I'mso grateful for my home.
I love it.
It's amazing.
(17:31):
I haven't always though.
I've been dissatisfied beforebecause look what they have.
You know, I've, I've gone to exactlyone high school reunion, exactly one.
And then I ran and I'llnever go to another one.
But, um,
it was my fifth and already atthat point it was a astonishing,
(17:56):
some of the homes people lived in.
I'm like, how, how I wanna berich like that so I can live in
that neighborhood with that house.
Well, I know now what itcost 'em, the husband.
'cause in that world, women.
Didn't work.
So men had two or three jobsbecause you gotta keep up with
(18:17):
that and send them to the privateschool and pay the church money.
When they told you how much it hadto be, you didn't get to choose that.
It was just you got an envelope witha number and they tracked it and
knock on your door if you fell short.
I know what it cost people to have that.
Sometimes those things that look so goodon the outside, they cost dearly to have.
(18:40):
How many of those kids growing up inthose homes with a workaholic father
would've preferred to have a tinylittle house and a dad that was home?
How many?
Same thing with women.
We work ourselves into the ground,taking care of the house, taking care
of the kids, go to all the sports, makesure they're in dance and gymnastics
(19:03):
and all the extracurriculars and thisactivity and that activity, and read a
book at the library and this and that.
So our kids are scheduled from.
Six 30 in the morning, get 'em up quick,hurry up, drop 'em off, get 'em to school.
I gotta go to work and blah.
Now our kids are on the same schedule.
We are.
When do kids be kids?
When?
When do they get to do that?
(19:24):
I remember growing up headingoutside in the morning and we
all rolled in around dinner time.
You know, we all knew whenstreetlights come on, you go back
home, we're all hanging together,running outside, forts in the woods.
I don't know what we were thinking.
We all went out therewith our rakes one day.
'cause we lived in the woodsand we just started raking.
(19:45):
'cause that was gonna be our ca I swearthere was half an acre of raked land
and we had like little chairs over here.
'cause that was our hangout areaand campfires, if we were actually
gonna do a campfire, I don't thinkwe ever lit a fire out there.
We were pretty little.
But
why don't kids do that anymore?
Is it because we evendo comparison with them?
(20:09):
This is what our kids should be doing.
This is a level they should be at.
Why do we cookie cutterlife with children?
Why do we treat them all asif they're exactly the same?
Because they're not.
I have six, and I can tell you I have sixvery individual personality style kids.
(20:30):
Very different.
For two of 'em, schoolwas a piece of cake.
So easy, everything, brilliantminds like I am awed by it.
Two did okay and tworeally, really struggled.
They just needed help finding theway that they learned best, and thank
(20:52):
God he provided a teacher that waswilling to sit with 'em and figure
it out so they were successful.
But if I would've said, but other kids aredoing this and I expect you to be here, I
would've completely defeated my children.
Holding 'em up to standardsmeant for other people.
It was never meant for them.
(21:14):
In recovery.
We can go like, but whyis it so easy for them?
Like, I'm over here inrecovery struggling.
I'm just trying to getthe sober part down.
But the news flashes, so arethe ones that look like they're
doing really good in recovery.
We had to get that down too.
I drank for 40 years.
(21:37):
40.
You don't just wake upone day and poof, huh?
I don't drink anymore.
Not an alcoholic.
Don't want it.
Don't think about it.
Not that it didn't work like that.
If it did for you, thank you, God,but for most of us, it's every day
(21:58):
waking up making the same choice.
I'm gonna do it again, butit needs to be your journey.
Not someone else's.
Don't look at somebody else and belike, well, why am I failing so bad?
Or worse,
what's wrong with them?
I did it.
Come on, keep on going.
(22:18):
You can't do that either.
We can't hold ourselves to somebodyelse's standard, but don't use your
standard to judge everybody else either.
We're not called to that.
Their journey isn't oursand ours isn't theirs.
They're unique just like youare to talk forever on this one.
(22:43):
So we're gonna keep going togood old jealousy and envy.
So jealousy is fearing theloss of something you have.
Envy is wanting something youdon't, that somebody else does.
This is something I dealt with.
(23:11):
Mark seven.
He went on.
It's what comes out of a personthat pollutes, obscenities, lust,
thefts, murders, adulteries, greed,depravity, deception, carousing, mean
(23:31):
looks, slander, arrogance, foolish.
All of these are vomit from the heart andthere is the source of your pollution.
Oh,
(23:51):
I'm assuming people arefamiliar with jealousy and envy.
It's especially bad when it comes to.
Relationships, relationship status.
I'm with somebody.
I'm not with somebody.
Why did they have somebody?
I want somebody.
(24:15):
And then you get your somebody.
This is great.
But now you're watchingeverybody around them.
You looking at 'em.
You looking at my person.
It's my favorite thing.
I'm gonna go after you guys.
You ready for this one?
You ready?
There is nothing more impressive thanif my husband were to say, you looked
(24:36):
at my woman, I'm gonna beat you.
You looked at her.
Looking at my girl.
We're in trouble.
Huh?
And my thought, my challengeto that is not impressive guys.
(24:57):
It isn't impressive andI'm gonna tell you why.
You ready for this?
We aren't impressed becauseof what it's saying about us.
If somebody looking at me causes meto stray from him, that says more
about our relationship then about thatperson who happened to look at me.
(25:18):
If that happened, it's insane.
But has anybody ever seen that happen orheard somebody act in the fool like that?
I have.
I have.
Looking at my woman likethat, looking at my guy.
(25:39):
I know what you're thinking and thethings we do because of it, like honestly.
Like working aroundlike can keep a barrier.
Nope.
Nope.
You're not getting close to this one.
All mine.
All mine.
If you are like that in arelationship, step on out of it
(26:02):
because that's not relationship.
It is not.
People's eyeballs looking atsomebody isn't saying your
partner's having an affair.
It just isn't.
(26:23):
It just, it makes me laugh.
I'm just like, you're literally saying,I don't trust my girl or I don't trust
my guy, so nobody better look at you.
Like honestly, it's a horribleposition to be put in, but envy,
think of it in relationship terms.
It's like, oh, things are a littlerough in our relationship and I hate it.
(26:43):
Sure.
Wish it was like that one.
That's just as bad because then you'regonna constantly look at yours in the
light of what you think the other is.
It's why I said last week as far, youknow, I, Robert and I have had some people
say, oh you guys, your couple goals.
(27:05):
And we're like, please don't do that.
Please don't.
'cause you do not know us that way.
We have a great relationship.
I am thankful every day for it.
But it doesn't mean it's simple.
It doesn't mean it's not without issues.
(27:25):
It doesn't mean thatwe don't that sometime.
'cause we're very different people andsometimes when you're not at your best,
when you're not the same people, ugh.
It gets a little gr angsty.
We'll go with angsty.
I love you,
(27:47):
but we work at it.
It takes work to havea great relationship.
And here's another oneof those news flashes.
You're never going to have that inyour own home if your eyes are always
watching somebody else's relationship.
Keep your eyes on your own.
(28:07):
The that former thing, you know,the parch dry ground and then the
green oasis, you often think thatgreen oasis is that other couple in
that relationship and how amazing.
Yeah.
Look at mine.
Well, if you turn around, your garden hosewould be watering your grass over here.
Like honestly, put some water on it.
(28:27):
Yep.
Tend to it and take care ofit when there's issues and
troubles in a relationship.
Don't step further away, getcloser in and figure it out.
If that relationship mattersto you, it's worth the time.
(28:48):
It's worth the time tohave hard conversations.
It's worth the time tosit quietly and listen.
You don't always have to be right.
You don't always haveto have the last word.
In fact, both people in a relationshipshould be listeners because that's
(29:09):
how you learn who somebody is.
That's how you understandhow to love somebody.
You can't just love somebodythe way you want to be loved.
Hmm.
That's difficult because it meanswe have to think about it, right.
(29:35):
Robert and I are very different.
The way I feel loved looks very differentthan things that make Robert feel loved.
We learn those things by communicationand talking, by asking the questions.
We don't have a great relationship becausewe looked at another couple and tried to
(29:57):
figure out how can we be just like them?
That doesn't work.
So don't have couple goals unless it'syou two that you're talking about.
You be your own couplegoals, and if you're not in a
relationship, be your own goal.
(30:21):
Be your own best self.
If you're not in a relationship,don't look at people who are
and say, why can't I have that?
I want it.
Envy.
Envy, envy, envy.
How come I can't?
I'd be awesome.
I'm a good man.
I'm a good woman.
What's wrong with me?
(30:43):
Nothing.
Nothing.
The Bible does not talk about singlenessas if it is a punishment, and I am so
sorry that church culture often makesit seem as in being in relationship
(31:03):
with the big old brood of children.
You know, the quiver full of kidsand all this stuff that that's the
ultimate and best that you could be.
It's not really backed up by theBible because being single is
actually considered a blessing,but not everybody can do it.
I think that we live in a culturethat doesn't value singleness.
(31:29):
I never pardon for great.
Sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
I love it when people, you, ifyou have thoughts, you can say it.
I don't.
I love it.
I wish I had taken a lot more time beingsingle than seeking relationship just
(31:50):
so I can say I'm in a relationship.
'cause that put me in horrible situations.
Be careful what you wish for.
Sometimes God lets you have it.
He let me have it bothbarrels for a long time.
(32:11):
I am a little stubborn.
I get an idea.
And I'm like, but this for me is good.
Patience.
Didn't have a lot of that.
So it's like, I know God's busy.
There's a lot of people to deal with,so I'll take it from here, manage my
(32:33):
own life and get it all figured out.
And he let me what I thoughtI wanted and have had to have.
'cause I was jealous ofpeople in relationships.
They had better stuff than I have.
I thought, well, this guy'sgonna make me just like them.
I'll have a relationship andthings will be better because
(32:54):
there'll be more income in my life.
Sounds like a goodrelationship foundation.
It was fantastic.
Never.
Never.
Because it wasn't authentic and real.
I wasn't with somebody who lovedme for who God created me to be.
(33:15):
I was with people who wanted meto be who they wanted me to be.
And I just happen to be wired in a waythat like I wanna make everybody happy.
So okay, I'll be like that.
You want me to be all docile and okay,I'll try to be that and I won't have an
opinion and I can only do that for solong 'cause I have thoughts and ideas.
(33:40):
'cause God gave me abrain so I could use it,
but I had no value in those relationships.
We so often think, ah,
if only 'cause it's so mucheasier for other people,
(34:02):
it's better, they're happier.
I'm just sad and I'm lonely.
Maybe if we stopped looking at it asif we're lonely and instead recognized.
I can't wait to see whatGod has planned for me.
This is gonna be so good.
Life is good.
(34:23):
He's planning something forme because he always is.
Hmm.
So you got that relationship.
Every relationship.
Before Robert was this in my life.
Anybody have any experiencewith codependency, either
(34:43):
personally or watching it happen?
' cause what a train wreck, isn't it?
When everything you do is measured by,how will this cause the other person
to react, think, or feel about me?
I have to make 'em happy,so I'm gonna act like this.
(35:04):
It's all about them.
It is awfulness on both sidesof this absolutely awful.
Two people in a relationship needto come together full and complete
and standing on their own two feet.
(35:24):
Don't come to a relationship saying, well,I'm empty in these areas of my life and
you're gonna make that all better for me.
And the other one's like, well this isgreat 'cause I'm empty in these areas
and I didn't wanna do that work anyway,so you're gonna take care of that.
So together, I'm gonna expect you tomake all this better and well, I'm
(35:46):
expecting you to do the same for me.
So now you're in a relationshipwhere your happiness depends.
On another person.
I don't want the responsibility forbeing, I don't know where he went.
He left the scene, but I don't wantto be responsible for his happiness.
(36:12):
I don't wanna be put on that pedestal.
I don't want those expectations, and thatresponsibility is one I cannot fulfill.
I could do everything for that man,everything, and it would never be
what was needed for the shortcomingsin his life in the same for me.
(36:32):
He cannot be, to me what I needed.
The reason we work and are doingwell is because we worked on ourself.
We healed ourself.
We address the junk in our life.
And we didn't look at each otherand said, I need you to fix me.
I need you in my life doingthis so I can be happy.
(36:58):
Hmm.
So you're in therelationship though, right?
It's miserable, but I'm in a relationship.
I know it's not the best and it's not whatI really want, but I'm in a relationship.
(37:19):
They must like me becausethey go to bed with me, right?
So they love me, right?
Mm, no.
No.
Huh?
If there's one lesson that I'velearned in life, the hard way
(37:42):
that I wish I could get across.
I'm like, oh God, no.
I like,
(38:04):
it's that I had so much more value inmy broken self than I ever realized that
my physical presence in somebody's lifeis actually a gift to the other person.
(38:26):
That another person's presence in mylife is a gift to me, and I'm talking
about a gift that is a treasure.
Why do we treat ourselveslike we're cheap?
Why do we treat ourself like wewere leftovers from a garage sale?
(38:48):
Why do we treat ourself as thatthing that's got a bunch of missing
pieces and isn't useful anymore?
So whatever anybody wants to do with it isfine, I guess, because that's what we do
when we're in cheap relationships.
And I'm saying it because I've been incheap relationships and in my brokenness
(39:12):
and my longing to feel whole and complete.
I tried to pass it off, but I love them.
What did I love being used?
Because at the end of theday, I knew that I was,
(39:33):
but I'm in a relationship and somebody'sthere, and I wanted that so bad.
'cause look at all these otherhappy people with somebody.
So here I am.
I'm in a relationship andit's really hard to admit.
It's like I was so much happier beforeI met this person, but now you're in it
(39:54):
and I don't wanna fail, so I'm gonnalook like things are great when I go out.
Look at this.
This is my person.
We're so happy together.
'cause look at us having fun out here.
You have no idea what it soundedlike in that car on the way here.
You have no idea thearguments on the way home.
(40:15):
'cause you know, after a nightof drinking, the conversations
don't tend to be civil whenyou're upset with each other.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
You know, throw alcohol on it andit's gonna make it all better.
Oh,
(40:35):
in me being me, I drank itall in as if it was truth.
Every awful thing.
Everything I heard abouthow awful and horrible and
disrespectful I was that night.
Disrespectful because I talked tosomebody else that happened to have
been a guy as I was waiting for a drink.
(40:56):
So then it becomes a, oh, what?
You get a number you're gonnalike, I'm like, so then I
actually took the time trying.
But no, that's not what I, seriously,that should have been my sign.
Stop the car and I'm getting out.
I don't care where we are, but I'mnot gonna be in this car with somebody
like you, is what I should havedone because I didn't know my value.
(41:23):
You all have value
If somebody's like, Iain't got time for you.
'cause you're not putting out like, howlong do I have to wait until I tell you?
That's how long, because this is my body.
Mm-hmm.
It's your body.
(41:44):
It's not someone else's to makedemands on or expectations of.
It's why we touched on that hookup culturelast week because it starts making you
act the fool sometimes, because I did.
It's horrible.
(42:05):
You wanna talk about somethingthat leads to insecurity.
Worthless relationshipshave no good foundations.
That is just based on whatyou can get from somebody.
Nobody's gonna feel good.
Nobody.
(42:27):
Men or women.
And I'm not dogging on the men.
'cause I watch the women andI'm like, oh, that was me.
And I sure wish I could keep youfrom what's coming down the pipeline,
but I can't live your life for you.
But I can share my experiences aboutthe times I just sat wrecked and
(42:48):
bawling till there was not anothertear left to shed at home after.
Because I realized sitting by myself howabsolutely alone I was and how I meant
nothing to that individual, nothing.
I was a warm body in a convenience.
(43:11):
And you wanna talk insecurity andself-loathing that does a number
and it's because we are wired.
To have a longing for God because he ishis our Father and we're his children.
(43:32):
And when you belong to God,
you can't live that wayand not be affected.
No wonder you're gonna feel that way.
No wonder God is everythingthat's the opposite of that.
This whole book is a love story.
It's God saying there's people thathave gone before that have experienced
(43:55):
all the things that you are.
I'm trying to help you.
I'm trying to show you how lifecan be really, really, really good.
You need to stop looking outsideof me to the world and to other
people to find fulfillment.
(44:17):
'cause this codependency thing.
If you struggle with that in yourrelationship, I'm gonna challenge you
to do the work on yourself, so youbring a complete person to the table.
Don't bring 80% of you be all in.
(44:39):
Be fully in and fully present,but work on yourself for yourself.
Don't expect the one thatyou're with to complete you.
It will never happen.
You will never find yourworth in another human being.
It's impossible.
It's impossible.
(45:00):
Oh, it all leads to this.
Self-hatred,
2nd Corinthians 12, 7 through 10 Becauseof the extravagance of those revelations
and so I wouldn't get a big head.
(45:20):
I was given the gift of a handicap to keepme in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down.
What he in fact did was push meto my knees, no danger then of
walking around high and mighty.
At first, I didn't think of it as a gift,and I begged God to remove it three times.
(45:47):
I did that, and then he toldme this, my grace is enough.
It's all you need.
My strength comes intoits own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I wasglad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicapand began appreciating the gift.
(46:09):
It was a case of Christ'sstrength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in strideand with good cheer, those
limitations that cut me down to size.
And here's the list of those limitations.
Abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
(46:33):
I just let Christ take over.
And so the weaker I get,the stronger I become.
Insecurity.
One second.
(46:53):
And self-hatred are intertwined.
Insecurity comes froma place of self hatred.
People confident in themselvesdon't have insecurity.
Where does that self hatred come from?
Well, it happened way back in the fall.
(47:13):
We innately have an understandingthat we are flawed human beings.
We all are.
That's it.
It is what it is, and we don'thave to sit and stay there because
God's already taken care of this.
But as flawed human beings, we tendto stay there because we know that.
We try to figure out what can we do.
(47:36):
So we keep trying to do, but if we'retrying to do without God, we're always
gonna fail over and over and over.
Why do you think brands are important?
Why do you think house andneighborhood's important?
Why do you think careers important?
(47:57):
Why do you think largebank accounts are the goal?
It all comes from, because I'm not enough.
Have to have more, more, more, more, more.
Instead, what if we just were,what if we really got down to God?
(48:17):
I have a purpose on my lifebecause you told me I do.
What is it?
Sh.
Show me.
Help me to walk through that door whenit opens and not talk myself out of it.
'cause I'm telling you, do.
God's door looked very differentthan any door I chose to open on my
own, completely different things.
(48:40):
I was a professional atthis, that self-hatred thing.
I had it down to a science.
I lived it 24 hours a dayfor my whole life up until
maybe three or four years ago.
Hated myself.
If I could be taller like the rest of myfamily, if I could be beautiful in the way
(49:10):
I thought beauty was supposed to look, ifI could be skilled in sports, if I could
be academically smarter, if I could not bea DD, if I could be driven, if I could be.
If I could be.
If I could be, if I could be.
And every time I said if I could, I wastelling myself, but you're not because
(49:33):
you're not, because you're not this andyou're not this and you're not this.
Why did we never, why did Inever tell myself what I was?
Girl, you are God's favorite man.
He loves you so much.
He takes such delight in you.
(49:56):
He's got such a big life for you,such an amazing plan for you.
Did I tell that to myself?
No, because I thought life wassupposed to look a certain way.
You know, we live in the UnitedStates, you know, the American dream
becomes the American curse for real.
(50:18):
Look what it's gotten us.
We work ourselves todeath and then we die.
And at the funeral, workaholicsthat we're never home are held up
as the epitome in goal for success.
Am I the only one that doesn'tsee that as the ultimate success?
(50:42):
Because to me it isn't?
How did you live your lifeand treat the people in it?
Were you there for your family?
Did your kids know they were number one?
Does your wife or partner, if youhave one, know that they were the most
important person to you or did work?
(51:03):
Take that number one spot.
Getting the money.
You know, gotta pay for thehouse trailer, vacation cottage.
And those things aren't bad.
They're only bad when they become theultimate goal like I have to have.
(51:23):
If I don't have, ugh, I'm notgonna look good to other people.
All my friends are doing it.
Look at 'em.
They're all gonna go campingand look at their trailers.
They're really nice.
I got a tent.
Can't show up with a tent, sowe're gonna figure out how to buy
a trailer that we can't afford.
How many of us have made purchaseswe couldn't afford because we
(51:47):
wanna look like we're doing good.
I've seen people that I know
that are in such dire financial straitsall excited to show me the new Prada bag.
They just got,
(52:09):
I know how much those things cost,
what is garbage and the cost of itsuddenly matters so much in our lives.
It's, that becomes a prideful,shallow thing, and it's not gonna
do what we think it's gonna do.
(52:32):
So those feelings, it'spart of that self-hatred.
Because we're not satisfiedwith us, we're not good enough.
So if I cover it up, dress it up, put onthe thing, people will think I'm enough.
They'll think I'm good enough.
And we go home and do we feel enough?
(52:54):
I think a lot of us, we go homeand we're very different than
what people may see when we'reout and about in general public.
And a lot of that's just normal.
It's, you know, it's just normal.
You go home, you can just be yourself.
But I'm talking about the twovery different looking lives,
the life that you show people,and then there's a life at home.
(53:18):
If there's no resemblance,you've got a lot of work to do.
And it's worthy work.
Do the work.
Do the work so you can live a lifethat when you're out in public, you're
the same as when you're at home.
Even if at home you're alittle more casual and relaxed,
don't be two different people.
(53:40):
Don't do that.
I had shared that I wasthe ultimate chameleon.
I swear Academy Award goes to Heidi.
I was that good.
It was deeply drilled into my brain,how to look, how to behave, how to
act in all these different scenarios.
And I was really good at it.
(54:02):
Really good at it.
It's why I could go to thesegala events wearing this stuff.
Usually Calvin Klein.
'cause I thought thatthat was the best on me.
And I looked amazing.
And I'm rubbing shoulders andeverybody's thinking I belong in inside.
I'm like, I just wanna go home'cause I don't belong here.
I don't fit in.
This isn't me.
(54:23):
I don't care what you throw on me.
At my core, I was always this
a person who takes great joy in thislittle tiny old country church in Fenwick,
Michigan, hanging out with a bunch ofpeople, most of whom used to be druggies
and drunks up here in my socks and.
(54:47):
Whatever.
I got a teepee tent for a dog.
She's home.
She doesn't feel so good today, but
I was trying so hard to play all thesedifferent roles because I wasn't content
to be who I was because of self-hatred.
But it was more than justnot content to be who I was.
(55:08):
I didn't even know who I was because allmy time was spent trying to be something
else because of my watching everybodyelse watching out in the world and
thinking, I have to be just like that,so I'm going to imitate that and try
to pretend I'm the same instead of justsimply bringing who I was to the table.
(55:35):
It took me recognizing that my favoritepeople are the truly authentic people.
And I started meeting people likethat, and everything shifted in
my life and I'm like, I want that.
Not so I can be them, butbecause I wanna know who I am.
(55:58):
It's been a long journeygetting over this self hatred,
and I worked through a lotof stuff and then I got to,
who am I?
(56:23):
And as soon as I answered I'm a child ofGod, it's like it wasn't that big audible
voice and you know, like Samuel Jacksonsounding like God's voice coming down.
It wasn't like that, but it's likeGod's saying, you're my child.
You belong to me.
(56:44):
I love you.
I made you.
I created you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I take delight in you.
All of heaven celebrates over you.
When you came back home,the party we threw,
who am I to look at God and say, well,thank you, but that's not enough,
(57:10):
because that's really what I wasdoing and that was a hard thing
for me to come to terms with
God.
Everything I have, you'vegiven me the height that I am.
You decided when you created me.
My blue eyes are because you'vegot two parents with green eyes.
(57:35):
I'm gonna give you blue.
It's my little gift to you.
It gave me my crazy hairthat expands when it's humid.
All these things that I was dissatisfiedwith and I've now come to love
because it was God who designed it.
(57:57):
I still have the flaws in myhuman body, but guess what?
It's a miraculously made amazing body.
It's given life and born six children.
Do I expect that it's supposed tolook like it's 20 years old again?
I'm almost 60.
(58:19):
I have seven grandkids.
Growing old is a gift.
I know that 'cause I had a job that I sawhow often life is cut unexpectedly short.
I am not flawed.
I'm exactly as I should be.
Mm-hmm.
(58:40):
With my body looking just as it should be.
And every single one of you is the same.
Everything about you is exactlyas it should be because it
was ordained to be that way.
The hands of God himself formedyou and knew you, and loved you,
(59:02):
gifted you and called you and it'sus that gets in the way of it.
All this thinking we want.
And I need now be happier becauseremember that serpent held out that
apple because he understands thepower in that, you know, and to dangle
(59:23):
that thing that you want so bad infront of you saying you can have it.
Click that button and they'lldeliver that beautiful head to toe
Nike Ensemble, including the rightlatest shoes, right to your house.
You can pay installmentson your credit card.
Nevermind that.
By the time you pay it off, youprobably paid $7,000 for it.
(59:47):
That's just the realityof our, but I need it now.
You can't hate what God loves.
You shouldn't hate what God loves,
(01:00:08):
and it's why I say so often.
Just look in the mirror and tellyourself, I am God's favorite.
God loves me.
I miss child,
brothers and sisters.
Of Jesus.
(01:00:29):
That's the level that we will be on.
Like really, and I waste all mytime on this nonsense, what my house
looks like, the car I drive or don'town the clothes I have or don't
have the shoes on my feet or socks.
(01:00:52):
Mm-hmm.
Those things really start tofall way by the wayside, and
they become very unimportant.
When it's replaced bywhat really is important.
God,
(01:01:16):
it's in Christ that we find out whowe are and what we are living for.
And when you meet Jesus, you realizeyou're not living for yourself.
Hmm.
(01:01:36):
Because it's in the living forself that all these issues happen.
So we need to replace that and livefor God because everything will
shift and everything will change.
(01:01:58):
One of my favorite verses, and it willbe familiar to many of you, Psalm 1 39,
13 through 16, think of yourself please.
Oh yes.
You shaped me first inside and thenout you formed me in my mother's womb.
(01:02:20):
And I thank you.
High God.
Your breathtaking
body and soul.
I am marvelously made.
I worship in adoration.
What a creation.
You know me inside and out.
You know every bone in my body.
(01:02:45):
You know exactly how I was made.
Bit by bit, how I was sculpted fromnothing into something like an open book.
You watched me grow from conceptionto birth, and all the stages of my
life were spread out before you.
The days of my life were all preparedbefore I'd even lived one day.
(01:03:20):
When I stopped to think about the detailsthat God attended to, to cause you to be
here, the human body's a marvelous thing.
It's just amazing.
I am such a nerd brain, and I loveall things science and biology
(01:03:40):
and physiology and all this stuff.
It's why I worked in themedical profession for my
grownup career, like I loved it.
But when you stop to think thatyou are known, every single cell,
every hair, every detail of yourvery being, including your life and
every day in it by your creator,
(01:04:07):
it starts to sink in that I'mworrying about the wrong things.
I shouldn't have to worry at all.
He knows every day.
Why am I worrying about even oneif he's already got it written
out and planned from beginning,very beginning to the last day.
(01:04:29):
Why all of the worry and insecurity andself hatred, why he attended to every
single detail, even the plan on your life.
He chose you to have what youhave and what you don't have.
(01:04:49):
What you look like andwhat you don't look like.
Relationships, or not relationships?
All of it.
Every single bit of it.
Because why?
Because he has a plan, becausehe understands what's best
(01:05:10):
and we need to stop gettingin the way of that because I
don't want any of you to live.
With insecurity and self-loathingfor a moment more, if you deal with
that, if you look at yourself andit's like, I wanna change this, or I
wanna gain 40 pounds, I'm sorry, God.
(01:05:32):
I'm just like, I would like some ofit back, but, or lose it or taller
or shorter or it, for me, it usedto be, why did I start going gray in
my twenties and now I'm like, thankyou, God, I had no idea I was gonna
love my natural gray hair so much.
Thank you for knowing better than me.
(01:05:54):
You know, all those things that I'mlike, Ugh, if only let it all go.
Step on the other side of it.
Say thank you God, thank you formaking me, me exactly as I am.
Thank you for the life you've given me.
Thank you.
For everything in it right now, Ineed nothing more because what I have
(01:06:24):
is from you and I'm grateful for it.
So no matter where you are, who you'rewith or not with, what you have or
don't have, whether you're happy withyour appearance or not happy with your
appearance, God is saying it's enough.
(01:06:45):
It's my plan.
I know your needs better than you do.
I've attended to it and I plan for it.
We just need to trust that.
I'm gonna read one last
(01:07:06):
sound in closing.
This has been a difficult topicfor me this week because it made me
realize that I've got work to do.
I thought I was way better and furtherdown the road in this insecurity and self
hatred journey, but I've got work to doand I'll probably always have work to do.
(01:07:32):
But if you're doing thework, you're doing it right.
Don't beat yourself upbecause you have struggles.
Don't beat yourself up because you'refall on this one, and you have to go
back to God and say, I'm so sorry that Iwasn't happy with who you made me to be.
I am sorry that I wasungrateful for what you gave me.
(01:07:57):
I'm sorry that I was selfish withthe blessings you gave me and
that I did not share with others.
And God's like, I love you.
Covered that for you.
Psalm 32, Count yourselflucky how happy you must be.
You get a fresh start andyour slates wiped clean.
(01:08:20):
Count yourself lucky God holdsnothing against you, and you're
holding nothing back from him.
When I kept it all inside, my bonesturned to powder and my words became day
long groans the pressure never let up.
(01:08:42):
All the juices of my life dried up, andthen I let it all out and I said, I'll
come clean about my failures to God.
Suddenly the pressure was gone.
My guilt dissolved.
My sin disappeared.
(01:09:03):
These things add up.
Every one of us needs to pray whenall hell breaks loose and the damn
burst we'll be on high ground.
Untouched God's my island hideaway andkeeps danger far from the shore, throws
garlands of hosannas around my neck.
(01:09:25):
Let me give you some good advice,and I'm looking you in the eye
and giving it to you straight.
Don't be ornery like a horse or a mulethat needs bitten bridle to stay on track.
God, defiers are always in trouble,but God affirmers find themselves
(01:09:47):
loved every time they turn around.
Celebrate God.
Sing together everyone,all you honest hearts.
Raise the roof.
(01:10:12):
It is just simply my hope that we all canjust see ourselves through God's eyes.
It's remarkable what happens in our life.
We start losing the insecuritybecause when your father is God,
what do we have to be insecure about?
(01:10:37):
When our father is God, whatabout us is there to hate?
Seriously
work on your relationship with Godbecause if insecurity and self-loathing
or self hatred is part of your life, workon that relationship with your father.
(01:10:57):
He's not the one that putthat distance in there.
We know who did that, butGod didn't go anywhere.
His mind isn't changed inhow he feels about you.
He doesn't look at you and islike, just give up with this one.
Never happy, nothing.
(01:11:21):
Nothing makes this one happy.
I'm over it.
He never says that he's alwaysthere, but remember, sometimes
he gives us what we want.
He did in the garden.
He allowed us to choose that.
So our dissatisfaction, God sometimesbecause he loves us so much, he loved
(01:11:47):
me enough to let me sit in my lesson.
I'm someone.
I had to sit in some lessons andit was awful, but I needed them.
I needed the experience.
Please God, don't ask me to do it again.
So
(01:12:14):
any insecurity and self-hatred heretoday, I pray in the name of Jesus
that it's left here today for anyonebecause it's stopping you from
the greatest life you could have.
It really is that basic.
It really does interfere that much.
(01:12:37):
It clouds your vision of God
when it's all focused in here.
Just see yourself as God does.
Please, please, please, please.
(01:12:58):
The last thing I'm gonna say is this.
That wasn't gonna go back to it,but I just like feel like I need to.
So much of this insecurity and self hatredcomes from a lack of knowing your worth.
And I get to watch these endless cyclesof trying to find your worth in somebody
(01:13:23):
and then being shattered and then findmy worth in somebody and then shattered.
And when you watch people thatyou love, go through that.
That hurts your heart.
Know and understand your worth.
There is nothing you haveto do to improve that.
(01:13:45):
There is nothing you have to changeabout yourself to be more worthy.
The fact that you woke up todayand Drew Breath gave you worth and
value you, and I don't care whatchoices you have made prior to this.
(01:14:10):
I don't care how far down theroad you have gone, I don't
care the choices you've made.
I don't care how many people you'vebeen with, I don't care about any of it.
And guess what?
Neither does God.
So don't let that keep you from him.
(01:14:31):
You don't have to hide it from him.
'cause remember he was with you.
When you made that choice,
I've shared before that that flattened me.
It's like I think we often thinkthat we're hiding from God.
'cause we don't want him to know.
I don't want him to know about that.
(01:14:52):
And then when you're likestruck full in the face with
like, but he was right there.
So you don't have to hide.
Say, God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And he is like, I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
(01:15:17):
I love you.
My son took care of it.
So please the, if there's just onething today I desperately wanted
people to walk away from this with no.
Your worth and then live your life in away that other people know your worth.
(01:15:44):
Also, don't let it be cheapened.
Don't let it be used anddon't just give it away.
Don't, because the one in here thatthinks the least of themself is just
as loved by God as anybody else.
(01:16:08):
You have exactly the same value, andit's my prayer that you will see it.
I hope I'm not the only one
that understands.
(01:16:31):
Insecurity and self-loathing becausethat would mean I'm unique in this world
and I have come to find that I am not.
I'm just not, you know, allthat time we worry about like,
what is somebody gonna think?
What if they catch me being weird?
Like, ugh, news flash.
Most people really don't careand they really don't notice.
(01:16:58):
But, um,
we need to start living ourlives like we're God's children.
That's in how we treat other peopleand the way we live our lives.
(01:17:20):
But it needs to start withhow you treat yourself.
That's what I want for you.
Let it start with you.
Let it start with you.
Okay.
Thank you.
I believe in answered prayersand I believe in my father God
and he can do anything, anything.
So on that note, we're gonna moveright on into this insecurity and
self-loathing because boy I know, Isure love feeling those two things,
especially both at the same time.
It's amazing.
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Psalm 13, one through two.
We're going to David again becausehe has a way with words and he went
through stuff and he put it out there.
Long enough God, you'veignored me long enough.
I've looked at the backof your head long enough.
Long enough I've carriedthis ton of trouble.
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I've lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemieshave looked down their noses at me.
Oh, insecurity and self-loathing.
Has anybody else here everstruggled with those two things?
(01:08):
Anybody?
Seems to be a pretty common thing.
Kind of thought that it was considering.
I hear it a lot, but I also see it.
A lot.
People don't always walk upto you and says, can I talk
to you about my insecurity?
It seems to be something thatwe can observe in somebody.
(01:29):
I know that I can observe it in myself.
I know the signs, I know the cues.
I know what in self-loathingin myself looks.
I'm well practiced in both of these.
I speak that language, butI'm trying to unlearn it.
The destruction in this to a life
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is almost beyond my ability to explainwhat will happen if that's left
unchecked, insecurity and self-loathing.
Those are not emotions and feelingsthat our father God gave you.
He didn't say, huh, I love you so much.
I want you to hate yourself.
Does that it?
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It makes no sense.
That makes no sense.
Those feelings are not feelings of God.
Those are not feelings andemotions that he left us to sit in.
So we're gonna break down a bit
the parts and piecesthat are in insecurity.
(02:33):
Where does it come from?
How about the comparison thing?
It truly is the thief of joy.
Comparison is a vilething in a person's life.
It leaves us unsettled.
It leaves us unhappy.
It leaves us feeling like we need more.
(02:54):
If we just had more, if we werejust like them, if I look like this,
or if I had that job or my blah,blah, blah, fill in all the blanks.
Then Galatians six, four through eight,Make a careful exploration of who you are.
And the work you have been given,and then sink yourself into that.
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Don't be impressed with yourself.
Don't compare yourself with others.
Each of you must take responsibilityfor doing the creative best
you can with your own life.
Be very sure now you who have beentrained to a self-sufficient maturity
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that you enter into a generouscommon life with those who have
trained you, sharing all the goodthings that you have and experience.
Don't be misled.
No one makes a fool of God.
What a person plants he will harvest.
The person who plants selfishness,ignoring the needs of others, ignoring
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God, harvests a crop of weeds.
And all he'll have to show for his lifeis weeds, but the one who plants in
response to God, letting God's spiritdo the growth work in him, harvest
a crop of real life, eternal life.
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Oh, comparison.
I said again with all these topics, thissame old thing, I've gotten used to it.
I think I know.
And then God's like, but I know.
And you'll say these things instead.
(04:49):
So here we are again.
That happened yesterday, so I'mnot changing it on the spot.
This comparison thing though,all through the Bible, we had
examples of people who saw.
And then wanted and way back in thefall already that started even with
people who had it all, who had perfect.
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There was one thing though thatthey didn't have access to.
Just one, only one.
And you think about that in the grandscheme of everything Adam and Eve
had, and it was that one thing theydidn't have that got under their skin.
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But why?
But I want it.
I want it all.
And that need, thatsaying it's not enough.
Started the fall
and then you get
(05:55):
Moses.
I. Called to lead these people.
Here he is in Egypt, youknow, he'd been a baby.
He was put in this little reed basketand floating, because in Egypt they
were killing all the baby Israelites.
So his mom had this baby boy and hit himas long as she could, and then she put
(06:16):
him in this little reed basket, and thenthe king's daughter finds him and she's
like, oh, I'm gonna take this child homeand raise him as my own, which she did.
So Moses the Israelite, grew up the son ofthe princess of the King Pharaoh of Egypt.
Well, this calling comes on his lifelike, you're gonna lose my people.
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And he is like, but I can't.
What about this?
What about that?
Others are better.
Why me?
I don't want to.
And in fact, fled, ran away.
Can't do it.
All these people that just.
Fled into their wildernessbecause, but I'm not good enough.
That comes from comparison.
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They've seen somebody that in theirmind, they think is better suited,
has better qualities, this, that, andthe next thing, and then they run.
And I find that's human nature.
At least I hope it is becausethat was my human nature.
I was looking back, tryingto figure out where did
(07:23):
the downfall of this begin in my life?
Like can I remember a time when Ididn't compare myself to others,
when I didn't have insecurity,when I didn't hate myself?
And I literally couldn'tfigure out when that started.
I always remember feeling that way.
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I always remember that I had todo better, be better, look better.
Always drilled in me, polished up,looking good, walking into church, perfect
ladies in their dresses, and men in theirsuits and their ties all buttoned up and
looking formal smiles on their faces.
And everybody was great.
(08:06):
And now as an adult, lookingback, I'm like, that was fake.
It was fake.
Mm-hmm.
And what did it do?
It made me wonder what waswrong with me because I didn't
feel the way I was portraying.
I was hurting inside.
And I thought it was just me.
'cause everybody around me alllook happy and everything is good.
(08:32):
And I envied that and I wanted that.
I now know that whatI wanted and I envied.
Was a false reality because Igot to know some of these people
that I envied and behind thescenes I realized real quick, hi.
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I really wouldn't have wantedto trade places with them.
We don't know what goes on behindthe scenes in people's lives.
We don't know what it takespeople to get what they have.
I compared everything.
Everything.
(09:12):
The house we lived in, thatwas a big deal growing up.
There was all these comparisons.
Where do you live?
What neighborhood?
This, that, and there was the, the peoplethat lived up the hill and then there's
all the ones that lived down the hill.
Like literally theytalked about it like this.
Oh, thank goodness we lived up here.
Okay, so what?
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So what?
It didn't matter.
What we put on our bodies.
Why do we care so much?
Like, and I'm not saying thisbecause it's wrong to like an
outfit you put on your body,
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but when did it becomeabout displaying a logo?
Like, I'm struggling to pay mybills, having a hard time paying
for the electric in the water.
Like I'm talking those basicthings, but man, I need to be
branded head to toe and Nike person.
I'm wearing it all.
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All of it.
We all know the pricetag that that comes with.
Nike ain't cheap.
You're not gonna go to Walmart andget yourself decked out that way.
It's not gonna happen.
What's wrong with the Walmart clothes?
Or the Walmart brand or the Walmart shoes.
What's wrong with them?
Honestly, what's wrong with Goodwill?
(10:38):
What's wrong with Mal Trotter?
What's wrong with the clothesthat you've had for a year or two?
What's wrong with those?
What's wrong with wearing things thatyou just happen to like, and you don't
care if it's style or not, but when didthat become something that's a goal?
When did that happen and why?
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It doesn't matter.
It's not important.
And I say it because it used to be, tome, I used to care about those things.
I used to be a well put togetherwoman hair, always done makeup,
always on my outfit, was always onpoint or whatever you say about it.
And shoes.
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I love shoes.
I loved 'em, but my identity became that.
But when you do that, all I didwas I looked at other people and
then this is why it's so bad.
I'll use myself, for example.
So nobody else has to be uncomfortable.
I tend to use myself 'causeI've got endless supplies of
(11:44):
things to be used as an example.
It started to not become good enough.
They had the rightbrands on the right look.
The current trend I started noticing.
It's like, oh, but when shewears it, it looks better on her.
'cause her body's better than mine.
(12:11):
And then that becomes a focus.
But they look better than me.
How can I look better?
Like I need to look better.
Like I, I need to look like that becausethat's better if I could look like her.
If I could be her size.
Oh, life would be so much better.
People would like me more.
I'd have more friends.
I'd get asked out on dates, this and that.
(12:32):
So I fell into that trapand that was so much fun.
Let me tell you, 'cause thereis nothing worse than battling
a full out eating disorder.
I can't tell you the kindof hell that that is.
I can't tell you the kind ofawfulness that takes over in your
(12:53):
mind when you look in a mirror andsee an image that nobody else sees.
Because that was my reality.
I literally was sitting there.
I had my doctor making me comeinto the office twice a week.
I thought it was ridiculous,like, what's a problem?
I'm like, I look amazing.
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Look at me.
I was 98 pounds.
The last time he saw,let me look at the scale.
He goes, I will not allow you to seeanother number in this office again.
He goes, one more pound gone.
He goes, I'm putting you in the hospital.
He goes, I'm not doing this anymore.
He goes, I'm not gonna sithere and watch you die.
And I literally was baffledbecause what I saw in the mirror
(13:36):
didn't look like 98 pounds.
That would be me right now
losing about 27 more pounds.
That's the size that I was at thatpoint, and I went down because I
ended up hospitalized against mywill and I still didn't see it
(13:59):
because, oh, I need to look good.
I need to look good.
Didn't matter that the sizes.
I went to find my jeans andmy two no longer was a two.
I asked for the next size downand I thought that was a win.
I was dying so I could look goodbecause other people look so good.
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It wasn't good.
It was horrible.
It was a nightmare that took me until Iwas in my early thirties to get beyond.
It took me that long.
It started when I was 15.
15.
(14:48):
I am so thankful for a God that madeus the way that he did, that created
us with all the different haircolors, the different skin colors, the
different heights, the different sizes,the different shapes, the different
bodies every single one of you hasexactly the body he chose for you.
(15:09):
So why like me do we look atit and say, God, I hate it.
I hate it, and I don'twant what you gave me.
I hate it, so I'm gonna change it.
I hate it.
It got a lot better when I'm like,God, thank you for who you made
me to be and help me to love it.
(15:32):
I'm almost there.
I most days I'm doing really good.
Most days I have other days I couldstill stand in the mirror and I'll go
head to toe and tell you, this is wrong.
This is wrong.
I mean, we're entering the season wheremy hair just gonna get outta control and
bigger and bigger every time you see it.
Humidity's gonna do a number.
Oh well, oh well, God's like,that's a hair I want on her head.
(15:56):
It's fabulous and I love it.
'cause isn't she amazing?
That's what God says.
So I'm learning to embrace thatbecause there's joy in that.
To know that who you are as you areis exactly who he wanted you to be.
Like.
He looks at it and says,isn't it beautiful?
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Isn't it perfect?
Isn't it amazing?
We don't have to worry about our size.
No matter what size spectrumyou're on, it doesn't matter.
It's exactly as you're meant to be.
And you're beautiful.
And you're beautiful.
My husband has loved me 40pounds heavier than I am now.
(16:43):
And as I am now, thank you.
To an allergy, not by choice.
Eating disorder is not back.
In fact, I'm trying to go the other way,but be careful what you wish for because
that thing I used to wish for, I'm nowstuck with, I don't wanna stay this size.
This isn't the size I want it to be, butGod's like you used to do anything for it.
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Anything.
We often compare the homes we live in.
How many of us say I'mso grateful for my home.
I love it.
It's amazing.
(17:31):
I haven't always though.
I've been dissatisfied beforebecause look what they have.
You know, I've, I've gone to exactlyone high school reunion, exactly one.
And then I ran and I'llnever go to another one.
But, um,
it was my fifth and already atthat point it was a astonishing,
(17:56):
some of the homes people lived in.
I'm like, how, how I wanna berich like that so I can live in
that neighborhood with that house.
Well, I know now what itcost 'em, the husband.
'cause in that world, women.
Didn't work.
So men had two or three jobsbecause you gotta keep up with
(18:17):
that and send them to the privateschool and pay the church money.
When they told you how much it hadto be, you didn't get to choose that.
It was just you got an envelope witha number and they tracked it and
knock on your door if you fell short.
I know what it cost people to have that.
Sometimes those things that look so goodon the outside, they cost dearly to have.
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How many of those kids growing up inthose homes with a workaholic father
would've preferred to have a tinylittle house and a dad that was home?
How many?
Same thing with women.
We work ourselves into the ground,taking care of the house, taking care
of the kids, go to all the sports, makesure they're in dance and gymnastics
(19:03):
and all the extracurriculars and thisactivity and that activity, and read a
book at the library and this and that.
So our kids are scheduled from.
Six 30 in the morning, get 'em up quick,hurry up, drop 'em off, get 'em to school.
I gotta go to work and blah.
Now our kids are on the same schedule.
We are.
When do kids be kids?
When?
When do they get to do that?
(19:24):
I remember growing up headingoutside in the morning and we
all rolled in around dinner time.
You know, we all knew whenstreetlights come on, you go back
home, we're all hanging together,running outside, forts in the woods.
I don't know what we were thinking.
We all went out therewith our rakes one day.
'cause we lived in the woodsand we just started raking.
(19:45):
'cause that was gonna be our ca I swearthere was half an acre of raked land
and we had like little chairs over here.
'cause that was our hangout areaand campfires, if we were actually
gonna do a campfire, I don't thinkwe ever lit a fire out there.
We were pretty little.
But
why don't kids do that anymore?
Is it because we evendo comparison with them?
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This is what our kids should be doing.
This is a level they should be at.
Why do we cookie cutterlife with children?
Why do we treat them all asif they're exactly the same?
Because they're not.
I have six, and I can tell you I have sixvery individual personality style kids.
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Very different.
For two of 'em, schoolwas a piece of cake.
So easy, everything, brilliantminds like I am awed by it.
Two did okay and tworeally, really struggled.
They just needed help finding theway that they learned best, and thank
(20:52):
God he provided a teacher that waswilling to sit with 'em and figure
it out so they were successful.
But if I would've said, but other kids aredoing this and I expect you to be here, I
would've completely defeated my children.
Holding 'em up to standardsmeant for other people.
It was never meant for them.
(21:14):
In recovery.
We can go like, but whyis it so easy for them?
Like, I'm over here inrecovery struggling.
I'm just trying to getthe sober part down.
But the news flashes, so arethe ones that look like they're
doing really good in recovery.
We had to get that down too.
I drank for 40 years.
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40.
You don't just wake upone day and poof, huh?
I don't drink anymore.
Not an alcoholic.
Don't want it.
Don't think about it.
Not that it didn't work like that.
If it did for you, thank you, God,but for most of us, it's every day
(21:58):
waking up making the same choice.
I'm gonna do it again, butit needs to be your journey.
Not someone else's.
Don't look at somebody else and belike, well, why am I failing so bad?
Or worse,
what's wrong with them?
I did it.
Come on, keep on going.
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You can't do that either.
We can't hold ourselves to somebodyelse's standard, but don't use your
standard to judge everybody else either.
We're not called to that.
Their journey isn't oursand ours isn't theirs.
They're unique just like youare to talk forever on this one.
(22:43):
So we're gonna keep going togood old jealousy and envy.
So jealousy is fearing theloss of something you have.
Envy is wanting something youdon't, that somebody else does.
This is something I dealt with.
(23:11):
Mark seven.
He went on.
It's what comes out of a personthat pollutes, obscenities, lust,
thefts, murders, adulteries, greed,depravity, deception, carousing, mean
(23:31):
looks, slander, arrogance, foolish.
All of these are vomit from the heart andthere is the source of your pollution.
Oh,
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I'm assuming people arefamiliar with jealousy and envy.
It's especially bad when it comes to.
Relationships, relationship status.
I'm with somebody.
I'm not with somebody.
Why did they have somebody?
I want somebody.
(24:15):
And then you get your somebody.
This is great.
But now you're watchingeverybody around them.
You looking at 'em.
You looking at my person.
It's my favorite thing.
I'm gonna go after you guys.
You ready for this one?
You ready?
There is nothing more impressive thanif my husband were to say, you looked
(24:36):
at my woman, I'm gonna beat you.
You looked at her.
Looking at my girl.
We're in trouble.
Huh?
And my thought, my challengeto that is not impressive guys.
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It isn't impressive andI'm gonna tell you why.
You ready for this?
We aren't impressed becauseof what it's saying about us.
If somebody looking at me causes meto stray from him, that says more
about our relationship then about thatperson who happened to look at me.
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If that happened, it's insane.
But has anybody ever seen that happen orheard somebody act in the fool like that?
I have.
I have.
Looking at my woman likethat, looking at my guy.
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I know what you're thinking and thethings we do because of it, like honestly.
Like working aroundlike can keep a barrier.
Nope.
Nope.
You're not getting close to this one.
All mine.
All mine.
If you are like that in arelationship, step on out of it
(26:02):
because that's not relationship.
It is not.
People's eyeballs looking atsomebody isn't saying your
partner's having an affair.
It just isn't.
(26:23):
It just, it makes me laugh.
I'm just like, you're literally saying,I don't trust my girl or I don't trust
my guy, so nobody better look at you.
Like honestly, it's a horribleposition to be put in, but envy,
think of it in relationship terms.
It's like, oh, things are a littlerough in our relationship and I hate it.
(26:43):
Sure.
Wish it was like that one.
That's just as bad because then you'regonna constantly look at yours in the
light of what you think the other is.
It's why I said last week as far, youknow, I, Robert and I have had some people
say, oh you guys, your couple goals.
(27:05):
And we're like, please don't do that.
Please don't.
'cause you do not know us that way.
We have a great relationship.
I am thankful every day for it.
But it doesn't mean it's simple.
It doesn't mean it's not without issues.
(27:25):
It doesn't mean thatwe don't that sometime.
'cause we're very different people andsometimes when you're not at your best,
when you're not the same people, ugh.
It gets a little gr angsty.
We'll go with angsty.
I love you,
(27:47):
but we work at it.
It takes work to havea great relationship.
And here's another oneof those news flashes.
You're never going to have that inyour own home if your eyes are always
watching somebody else's relationship.
Keep your eyes on your own.
(28:07):
The that former thing, you know,the parch dry ground and then the
green oasis, you often think thatgreen oasis is that other couple in
that relationship and how amazing.
Yeah.
Look at mine.
Well, if you turn around, your garden hosewould be watering your grass over here.
Like honestly, put some water on it.
(28:27):
Yep.
Tend to it and take care ofit when there's issues and
troubles in a relationship.
Don't step further away, getcloser in and figure it out.
If that relationship mattersto you, it's worth the time.
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It's worth the time tohave hard conversations.
It's worth the time tosit quietly and listen.
You don't always have to be right.
You don't always haveto have the last word.
In fact, both people in a relationshipshould be listeners because that's
(29:09):
how you learn who somebody is.
That's how you understandhow to love somebody.
You can't just love somebodythe way you want to be loved.
Hmm.
That's difficult because it meanswe have to think about it, right.
(29:35):
Robert and I are very different.
The way I feel loved looks very differentthan things that make Robert feel loved.
We learn those things by communicationand talking, by asking the questions.
We don't have a great relationship becausewe looked at another couple and tried to
(29:57):
figure out how can we be just like them?
That doesn't work.
So don't have couple goals unless it'syou two that you're talking about.
You be your own couplegoals, and if you're not in a
relationship, be your own goal.
(30:21):
Be your own best self.
If you're not in a relationship,don't look at people who are
and say, why can't I have that?
I want it.
Envy.
Envy, envy, envy.
How come I can't?
I'd be awesome.
I'm a good man.
I'm a good woman.
What's wrong with me?
(30:43):
Nothing.
Nothing.
The Bible does not talk about singlenessas if it is a punishment, and I am so
sorry that church culture often makesit seem as in being in relationship
(31:03):
with the big old brood of children.
You know, the quiver full of kidsand all this stuff that that's the
ultimate and best that you could be.
It's not really backed up by theBible because being single is
actually considered a blessing,but not everybody can do it.
I think that we live in a culturethat doesn't value singleness.
(31:29):
I never pardon for great.
Sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
I love it when people, you, ifyou have thoughts, you can say it.
I don't.
I love it.
I wish I had taken a lot more time beingsingle than seeking relationship just
(31:50):
so I can say I'm in a relationship.
'cause that put me in horrible situations.
Be careful what you wish for.
Sometimes God lets you have it.
He let me have it bothbarrels for a long time.
(32:11):
I am a little stubborn.
I get an idea.
And I'm like, but this for me is good.
Patience.
Didn't have a lot of that.
So it's like, I know God's busy.
There's a lot of people to deal with,so I'll take it from here, manage my
(32:33):
own life and get it all figured out.
And he let me what I thoughtI wanted and have had to have.
'cause I was jealous ofpeople in relationships.
They had better stuff than I have.
I thought, well, this guy'sgonna make me just like them.
I'll have a relationship andthings will be better because
(32:54):
there'll be more income in my life.
Sounds like a goodrelationship foundation.
It was fantastic.
Never.
Never.
Because it wasn't authentic and real.
I wasn't with somebody who lovedme for who God created me to be.
(33:15):
I was with people who wanted meto be who they wanted me to be.
And I just happen to be wired in a waythat like I wanna make everybody happy.
So okay, I'll be like that.
You want me to be all docile and okay,I'll try to be that and I won't have an
opinion and I can only do that for solong 'cause I have thoughts and ideas.
(33:40):
'cause God gave me abrain so I could use it,
but I had no value in those relationships.
We so often think, ah,
if only 'cause it's so mucheasier for other people,
(34:02):
it's better, they're happier.
I'm just sad and I'm lonely.
Maybe if we stopped looking at it asif we're lonely and instead recognized.
I can't wait to see whatGod has planned for me.
This is gonna be so good.
Life is good.
(34:23):
He's planning something forme because he always is.
Hmm.
So you got that relationship.
Every relationship.
Before Robert was this in my life.
Anybody have any experiencewith codependency, either
(34:43):
personally or watching it happen?
' cause what a train wreck, isn't it?
When everything you do is measured by,how will this cause the other person
to react, think, or feel about me?
I have to make 'em happy,so I'm gonna act like this.
(35:04):
It's all about them.
It is awfulness on both sidesof this absolutely awful.
Two people in a relationship needto come together full and complete
and standing on their own two feet.
(35:24):
Don't come to a relationship saying, well,I'm empty in these areas of my life and
you're gonna make that all better for me.
And the other one's like, well this isgreat 'cause I'm empty in these areas
and I didn't wanna do that work anyway,so you're gonna take care of that.
So together, I'm gonna expect you tomake all this better and well, I'm
(35:46):
expecting you to do the same for me.
So now you're in a relationshipwhere your happiness depends.
On another person.
I don't want the responsibility forbeing, I don't know where he went.
He left the scene, but I don't wantto be responsible for his happiness.
(36:12):
I don't wanna be put on that pedestal.
I don't want those expectations, and thatresponsibility is one I cannot fulfill.
I could do everything for that man,everything, and it would never be
what was needed for the shortcomingsin his life in the same for me.
(36:32):
He cannot be, to me what I needed.
The reason we work and are doingwell is because we worked on ourself.
We healed ourself.
We address the junk in our life.
And we didn't look at each otherand said, I need you to fix me.
I need you in my life doingthis so I can be happy.
(36:58):
Hmm.
So you're in therelationship though, right?
It's miserable, but I'm in a relationship.
I know it's not the best and it's not whatI really want, but I'm in a relationship.
(37:19):
They must like me becausethey go to bed with me, right?
So they love me, right?
Mm, no.
No.
Huh?
If there's one lesson that I'velearned in life, the hard way
(37:42):
that I wish I could get across.
I'm like, oh God, no.
I like,
(38:04):
it's that I had so much more value inmy broken self than I ever realized that
my physical presence in somebody's lifeis actually a gift to the other person.
(38:26):
That another person's presence in mylife is a gift to me, and I'm talking
about a gift that is a treasure.
Why do we treat ourselveslike we're cheap?
Why do we treat ourself like wewere leftovers from a garage sale?
(38:48):
Why do we treat ourself as thatthing that's got a bunch of missing
pieces and isn't useful anymore?
So whatever anybody wants to do with it isfine, I guess, because that's what we do
when we're in cheap relationships.
And I'm saying it because I've been incheap relationships and in my brokenness
(39:12):
and my longing to feel whole and complete.
I tried to pass it off, but I love them.
What did I love being used?
Because at the end of theday, I knew that I was,
(39:33):
but I'm in a relationship and somebody'sthere, and I wanted that so bad.
'cause look at all these otherhappy people with somebody.
So here I am.
I'm in a relationship andit's really hard to admit.
It's like I was so much happier beforeI met this person, but now you're in it
(39:54):
and I don't wanna fail, so I'm gonnalook like things are great when I go out.
Look at this.
This is my person.
We're so happy together.
'cause look at us having fun out here.
You have no idea what it soundedlike in that car on the way here.
You have no idea thearguments on the way home.
(40:15):
'cause you know, after a nightof drinking, the conversations
don't tend to be civil whenyou're upset with each other.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
You know, throw alcohol on it andit's gonna make it all better.
Oh,
(40:35):
in me being me, I drank itall in as if it was truth.
Every awful thing.
Everything I heard abouthow awful and horrible and
disrespectful I was that night.
Disrespectful because I talked tosomebody else that happened to have
been a guy as I was waiting for a drink.
(40:56):
So then it becomes a, oh, what?
You get a number you're gonnalike, I'm like, so then I
actually took the time trying.
But no, that's not what I, seriously,that should have been my sign.
Stop the car and I'm getting out.
I don't care where we are, but I'mnot gonna be in this car with somebody
like you, is what I should havedone because I didn't know my value.
(41:23):
You all have value
If somebody's like, Iain't got time for you.
'cause you're not putting out like, howlong do I have to wait until I tell you?
That's how long, because this is my body.
Mm-hmm.
It's your body.
(41:44):
It's not someone else's to makedemands on or expectations of.
It's why we touched on that hookup culturelast week because it starts making you
act the fool sometimes, because I did.
It's horrible.
(42:05):
You wanna talk about somethingthat leads to insecurity.
Worthless relationshipshave no good foundations.
That is just based on whatyou can get from somebody.
Nobody's gonna feel good.
Nobody.
(42:27):
Men or women.
And I'm not dogging on the men.
'cause I watch the women andI'm like, oh, that was me.
And I sure wish I could keep youfrom what's coming down the pipeline,
but I can't live your life for you.
But I can share my experiences aboutthe times I just sat wrecked and
(42:48):
bawling till there was not anothertear left to shed at home after.
Because I realized sitting by myself howabsolutely alone I was and how I meant
nothing to that individual, nothing.
I was a warm body in a convenience.
(43:11):
And you wanna talk insecurity andself-loathing that does a number
and it's because we are wired.
To have a longing for God because he ishis our Father and we're his children.
(43:32):
And when you belong to God,
you can't live that wayand not be affected.
No wonder you're gonna feel that way.
No wonder God is everythingthat's the opposite of that.
This whole book is a love story.
It's God saying there's people thathave gone before that have experienced
(43:55):
all the things that you are.
I'm trying to help you.
I'm trying to show you how lifecan be really, really, really good.
You need to stop looking outsideof me to the world and to other
people to find fulfillment.
(44:17):
'cause this codependency thing.
If you struggle with that in yourrelationship, I'm gonna challenge you
to do the work on yourself, so youbring a complete person to the table.
Don't bring 80% of you be all in.
(44:39):
Be fully in and fully present,but work on yourself for yourself.
Don't expect the one thatyou're with to complete you.
It will never happen.
You will never find yourworth in another human being.
It's impossible.
It's impossible.
(45:00):
Oh, it all leads to this.
Self-hatred,
2nd Corinthians 12, 7 through 10 Becauseof the extravagance of those revelations
and so I wouldn't get a big head.
(45:20):
I was given the gift of a handicap to keepme in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down.
What he in fact did was push meto my knees, no danger then of
walking around high and mighty.
At first, I didn't think of it as a gift,and I begged God to remove it three times.
(45:47):
I did that, and then he toldme this, my grace is enough.
It's all you need.
My strength comes intoits own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I wasglad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicapand began appreciating the gift.
(46:09):
It was a case of Christ'sstrength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in strideand with good cheer, those
limitations that cut me down to size.
And here's the list of those limitations.
Abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
(46:33):
I just let Christ take over.
And so the weaker I get,the stronger I become.
Insecurity.
One second.
(46:53):
And self-hatred are intertwined.
Insecurity comes froma place of self hatred.
People confident in themselvesdon't have insecurity.
Where does that self hatred come from?
Well, it happened way back in the fall.
(47:13):
We innately have an understandingthat we are flawed human beings.
We all are.
That's it.
It is what it is, and we don'thave to sit and stay there because
God's already taken care of this.
But as flawed human beings, we tendto stay there because we know that.
We try to figure out what can we do.
(47:36):
So we keep trying to do, but if we'retrying to do without God, we're always
gonna fail over and over and over.
Why do you think brands are important?
Why do you think house andneighborhood's important?
Why do you think careers important?
(47:57):
Why do you think largebank accounts are the goal?
It all comes from, because I'm not enough.
Have to have more, more, more, more, more.
Instead, what if we just were,what if we really got down to God?
(48:17):
I have a purpose on my lifebecause you told me I do.
What is it?
Sh.
Show me.
Help me to walk through that door whenit opens and not talk myself out of it.
'cause I'm telling you, do.
God's door looked very differentthan any door I chose to open on my
own, completely different things.
(48:40):
I was a professional atthis, that self-hatred thing.
I had it down to a science.
I lived it 24 hours a dayfor my whole life up until
maybe three or four years ago.
Hated myself.
If I could be taller like the rest of myfamily, if I could be beautiful in the way
(49:10):
I thought beauty was supposed to look, ifI could be skilled in sports, if I could
be academically smarter, if I could not bea DD, if I could be driven, if I could be.
If I could be.
If I could be, if I could be.
And every time I said if I could, I wastelling myself, but you're not because
(49:33):
you're not, because you're not this andyou're not this and you're not this.
Why did we never, why did Inever tell myself what I was?
Girl, you are God's favorite man.
He loves you so much.
He takes such delight in you.
(49:56):
He's got such a big life for you,such an amazing plan for you.
Did I tell that to myself?
No, because I thought life wassupposed to look a certain way.
You know, we live in the UnitedStates, you know, the American dream
becomes the American curse for real.
(50:18):
Look what it's gotten us.
We work ourselves todeath and then we die.
And at the funeral, workaholicsthat we're never home are held up
as the epitome in goal for success.
Am I the only one that doesn'tsee that as the ultimate success?
(50:42):
Because to me it isn't?
How did you live your lifeand treat the people in it?
Were you there for your family?
Did your kids know they were number one?
Does your wife or partner, if youhave one, know that they were the most
important person to you or did work?
(51:03):
Take that number one spot.
Getting the money.
You know, gotta pay for thehouse trailer, vacation cottage.
And those things aren't bad.
They're only bad when they become theultimate goal like I have to have.
(51:23):
If I don't have, ugh, I'm notgonna look good to other people.
All my friends are doing it.
Look at 'em.
They're all gonna go campingand look at their trailers.
They're really nice.
I got a tent.
Can't show up with a tent, sowe're gonna figure out how to buy
a trailer that we can't afford.
How many of us have made purchaseswe couldn't afford because we
(51:47):
wanna look like we're doing good.
I've seen people that I know
that are in such dire financial straitsall excited to show me the new Prada bag.
They just got,
(52:09):
I know how much those things cost,
what is garbage and the cost of itsuddenly matters so much in our lives.
It's, that becomes a prideful,shallow thing, and it's not gonna
do what we think it's gonna do.
(52:32):
So those feelings, it'spart of that self-hatred.
Because we're not satisfiedwith us, we're not good enough.
So if I cover it up, dress it up, put onthe thing, people will think I'm enough.
They'll think I'm good enough.
And we go home and do we feel enough?
(52:54):
I think a lot of us, we go homeand we're very different than
what people may see when we'reout and about in general public.
And a lot of that's just normal.
It's, you know, it's just normal.
You go home, you can just be yourself.
But I'm talking about the twovery different looking lives,
the life that you show people,and then there's a life at home.
(53:18):
If there's no resemblance,you've got a lot of work to do.
And it's worthy work.
Do the work.
Do the work so you can live a lifethat when you're out in public, you're
the same as when you're at home.
Even if at home you're alittle more casual and relaxed,
don't be two different people.
(53:40):
Don't do that.
I had shared that I wasthe ultimate chameleon.
I swear Academy Award goes to Heidi.
I was that good.
It was deeply drilled into my brain,how to look, how to behave, how to
act in all these different scenarios.
And I was really good at it.
(54:02):
Really good at it.
It's why I could go to thesegala events wearing this stuff.
Usually Calvin Klein.
'cause I thought thatthat was the best on me.
And I looked amazing.
And I'm rubbing shoulders andeverybody's thinking I belong in inside.
I'm like, I just wanna go home'cause I don't belong here.
I don't fit in.
This isn't me.
(54:23):
I don't care what you throw on me.
At my core, I was always this
a person who takes great joy in thislittle tiny old country church in Fenwick,
Michigan, hanging out with a bunch ofpeople, most of whom used to be druggies
and drunks up here in my socks and.
(54:47):
Whatever.
I got a teepee tent for a dog.
She's home.
She doesn't feel so good today, but
I was trying so hard to play all thesedifferent roles because I wasn't content
to be who I was because of self-hatred.
But it was more than justnot content to be who I was.
(55:08):
I didn't even know who I was because allmy time was spent trying to be something
else because of my watching everybodyelse watching out in the world and
thinking, I have to be just like that,so I'm going to imitate that and try
to pretend I'm the same instead of justsimply bringing who I was to the table.
(55:35):
It took me recognizing that my favoritepeople are the truly authentic people.
And I started meeting people likethat, and everything shifted in
my life and I'm like, I want that.
Not so I can be them, butbecause I wanna know who I am.
(55:58):
It's been a long journeygetting over this self hatred,
and I worked through a lotof stuff and then I got to,
who am I?
(56:23):
And as soon as I answered I'm a child ofGod, it's like it wasn't that big audible
voice and you know, like Samuel Jacksonsounding like God's voice coming down.
It wasn't like that, but it's likeGod's saying, you're my child.
You belong to me.
(56:44):
I love you.
I made you.
I created you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I take delight in you.
All of heaven celebrates over you.
When you came back home,the party we threw,
who am I to look at God and say, well,thank you, but that's not enough,
(57:10):
because that's really what I wasdoing and that was a hard thing
for me to come to terms with
God.
Everything I have, you'vegiven me the height that I am.
You decided when you created me.
My blue eyes are because you'vegot two parents with green eyes.
(57:35):
I'm gonna give you blue.
It's my little gift to you.
It gave me my crazy hairthat expands when it's humid.
All these things that I was dissatisfiedwith and I've now come to love
because it was God who designed it.
(57:57):
I still have the flaws in myhuman body, but guess what?
It's a miraculously made amazing body.
It's given life and born six children.
Do I expect that it's supposed tolook like it's 20 years old again?
I'm almost 60.
(58:19):
I have seven grandkids.
Growing old is a gift.
I know that 'cause I had a job that I sawhow often life is cut unexpectedly short.
I am not flawed.
I'm exactly as I should be.
Mm-hmm.
(58:40):
With my body looking just as it should be.
And every single one of you is the same.
Everything about you is exactlyas it should be because it
was ordained to be that way.
The hands of God himself formedyou and knew you, and loved you,
(59:02):
gifted you and called you and it'sus that gets in the way of it.
All this thinking we want.
And I need now be happier becauseremember that serpent held out that
apple because he understands thepower in that, you know, and to dangle
(59:23):
that thing that you want so bad infront of you saying you can have it.
Click that button and they'lldeliver that beautiful head to toe
Nike Ensemble, including the rightlatest shoes, right to your house.
You can pay installmentson your credit card.
Nevermind that.
By the time you pay it off, youprobably paid $7,000 for it.
(59:47):
That's just the realityof our, but I need it now.
You can't hate what God loves.
You shouldn't hate what God loves,
(01:00:08):
and it's why I say so often.
Just look in the mirror and tellyourself, I am God's favorite.
God loves me.
I miss child,
brothers and sisters.
Of Jesus.
(01:00:29):
That's the level that we will be on.
Like really, and I waste all mytime on this nonsense, what my house
looks like, the car I drive or don'town the clothes I have or don't
have the shoes on my feet or socks.
(01:00:52):
Mm-hmm.
Those things really start tofall way by the wayside, and
they become very unimportant.
When it's replaced bywhat really is important.
God,
(01:01:16):
it's in Christ that we find out whowe are and what we are living for.
And when you meet Jesus, you realizeyou're not living for yourself.
Hmm.
(01:01:36):
Because it's in the living forself that all these issues happen.
So we need to replace that and livefor God because everything will
shift and everything will change.
(01:01:58):
One of my favorite verses, and it willbe familiar to many of you, Psalm 1 39,
13 through 16, think of yourself please.
Oh yes.
You shaped me first inside and thenout you formed me in my mother's womb.
(01:02:20):
And I thank you.
High God.
Your breathtaking
body and soul.
I am marvelously made.
I worship in adoration.
What a creation.
You know me inside and out.
You know every bone in my body.
(01:02:45):
You know exactly how I was made.
Bit by bit, how I was sculpted fromnothing into something like an open book.
You watched me grow from conceptionto birth, and all the stages of my
life were spread out before you.
The days of my life were all preparedbefore I'd even lived one day.
(01:03:20):
When I stopped to think about the detailsthat God attended to, to cause you to be
here, the human body's a marvelous thing.
It's just amazing.
I am such a nerd brain, and I loveall things science and biology
(01:03:40):
and physiology and all this stuff.
It's why I worked in themedical profession for my
grownup career, like I loved it.
But when you stop to think thatyou are known, every single cell,
every hair, every detail of yourvery being, including your life and
every day in it by your creator,
(01:04:07):
it starts to sink in that I'mworrying about the wrong things.
I shouldn't have to worry at all.
He knows every day.
Why am I worrying about even oneif he's already got it written
out and planned from beginning,very beginning to the last day.
(01:04:29):
Why all of the worry and insecurity andself hatred, why he attended to every
single detail, even the plan on your life.
He chose you to have what youhave and what you don't have.
(01:04:49):
What you look like andwhat you don't look like.
Relationships, or not relationships?
All of it.
Every single bit of it.
Because why?
Because he has a plan, becausehe understands what's best
(01:05:10):
and we need to stop gettingin the way of that because I
don't want any of you to live.
With insecurity and self-loathingfor a moment more, if you deal with
that, if you look at yourself andit's like, I wanna change this, or I
wanna gain 40 pounds, I'm sorry, God.
(01:05:32):
I'm just like, I would like some ofit back, but, or lose it or taller
or shorter or it, for me, it usedto be, why did I start going gray in
my twenties and now I'm like, thankyou, God, I had no idea I was gonna
love my natural gray hair so much.
Thank you for knowing better than me.
(01:05:54):
You know, all those things that I'mlike, Ugh, if only let it all go.
Step on the other side of it.
Say thank you God, thank you formaking me, me exactly as I am.
Thank you for the life you've given me.
Thank you.
For everything in it right now, Ineed nothing more because what I have
(01:06:24):
is from you and I'm grateful for it.
So no matter where you are, who you'rewith or not with, what you have or
don't have, whether you're happy withyour appearance or not happy with your
appearance, God is saying it's enough.
(01:06:45):
It's my plan.
I know your needs better than you do.
I've attended to it and I plan for it.
We just need to trust that.
I'm gonna read one last
(01:07:06):
sound in closing.
This has been a difficult topicfor me this week because it made me
realize that I've got work to do.
I thought I was way better and furtherdown the road in this insecurity and self
hatred journey, but I've got work to doand I'll probably always have work to do.
(01:07:32):
But if you're doing thework, you're doing it right.
Don't beat yourself upbecause you have struggles.
Don't beat yourself up because you'refall on this one, and you have to go
back to God and say, I'm so sorry that Iwasn't happy with who you made me to be.
I am sorry that I wasungrateful for what you gave me.
(01:07:57):
I'm sorry that I was selfish withthe blessings you gave me and
that I did not share with others.
And God's like, I love you.
Covered that for you.
Psalm 32, Count yourselflucky how happy you must be.
You get a fresh start andyour slates wiped clean.
(01:08:20):
Count yourself lucky God holdsnothing against you, and you're
holding nothing back from him.
When I kept it all inside, my bonesturned to powder and my words became day
long groans the pressure never let up.
(01:08:42):
All the juices of my life dried up, andthen I let it all out and I said, I'll
come clean about my failures to God.
Suddenly the pressure was gone.
My guilt dissolved.
My sin disappeared.
(01:09:03):
These things add up.
Every one of us needs to pray whenall hell breaks loose and the damn
burst we'll be on high ground.
Untouched God's my island hideaway andkeeps danger far from the shore, throws
garlands of hosannas around my neck.
(01:09:25):
Let me give you some good advice,and I'm looking you in the eye
and giving it to you straight.
Don't be ornery like a horse or a mulethat needs bitten bridle to stay on track.
God, defiers are always in trouble,but God affirmers find themselves
(01:09:47):
loved every time they turn around.
Celebrate God.
Sing together everyone,all you honest hearts.
Raise the roof.
(01:10:12):
It is just simply my hope that we all canjust see ourselves through God's eyes.
It's remarkable what happens in our life.
We start losing the insecuritybecause when your father is God,
what do we have to be insecure about?
(01:10:37):
When our father is God, whatabout us is there to hate?
Seriously
work on your relationship with Godbecause if insecurity and self-loathing
or self hatred is part of your life, workon that relationship with your father.
(01:10:57):
He's not the one that putthat distance in there.
We know who did that, butGod didn't go anywhere.
His mind isn't changed inhow he feels about you.
He doesn't look at you and islike, just give up with this one.
Never happy, nothing.
(01:11:21):
Nothing makes this one happy.
I'm over it.
He never says that he's alwaysthere, but remember, sometimes
he gives us what we want.
He did in the garden.
He allowed us to choose that.
So our dissatisfaction, God sometimesbecause he loves us so much, he loved
(01:11:47):
me enough to let me sit in my lesson.
I'm someone.
I had to sit in some lessons andit was awful, but I needed them.
I needed the experience.
Please God, don't ask me to do it again.
So
(01:12:14):
any insecurity and self-hatred heretoday, I pray in the name of Jesus
that it's left here today for anyonebecause it's stopping you from
the greatest life you could have.
It really is that basic.
It really does interfere that much.
(01:12:37):
It clouds your vision of God
when it's all focused in here.
Just see yourself as God does.
Please, please, please, please.
(01:12:58):
The last thing I'm gonna say is this.
That wasn't gonna go back to it,but I just like feel like I need to.
So much of this insecurity and self hatredcomes from a lack of knowing your worth.
And I get to watch these endless cyclesof trying to find your worth in somebody
(01:13:23):
and then being shattered and then findmy worth in somebody and then shattered.
And when you watch people thatyou love, go through that.
That hurts your heart.
Know and understand your worth.
There is nothing you haveto do to improve that.
(01:13:45):
There is nothing you have to changeabout yourself to be more worthy.
The fact that you woke up todayand Drew Breath gave you worth and
value you, and I don't care whatchoices you have made prior to this.
(01:14:10):
I don't care how far down theroad you have gone, I don't
care the choices you've made.
I don't care how many people you'vebeen with, I don't care about any of it.
And guess what?
Neither does God.
So don't let that keep you from him.
(01:14:31):
You don't have to hide it from him.
'cause remember he was with you.
When you made that choice,
I've shared before that that flattened me.
It's like I think we often thinkthat we're hiding from God.
'cause we don't want him to know.
I don't want him to know about that.
(01:14:52):
And then when you're likestruck full in the face with
like, but he was right there.
So you don't have to hide.
Say, God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And he is like, I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
(01:15:17):
I love you.
My son took care of it.
So please the, if there's just onething today I desperately wanted
people to walk away from this with no.
Your worth and then live your life in away that other people know your worth.
(01:15:44):
Also, don't let it be cheapened.
Don't let it be used anddon't just give it away.
Don't, because the one in here thatthinks the least of themself is just
as loved by God as anybody else.
(01:16:08):
You have exactly the same value, andit's my prayer that you will see it.
I hope I'm not the only one
that understands.
(01:16:31):
Insecurity and self-loathing becausethat would mean I'm unique in this world
and I have come to find that I am not.
I'm just not, you know, allthat time we worry about like,
what is somebody gonna think?
What if they catch me being weird?
Like, ugh, news flash.
Most people really don't careand they really don't notice.
(01:16:58):
But, um,
we need to start living ourlives like we're God's children.
That's in how we treat other peopleand the way we live our lives.
(01:17:20):
But it needs to start withhow you treat yourself.
That's what I want for you.
Let it start with you.
Let it start with you.
Okay.
Thank you.
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