April 21, 2025 • 62 mins
Overcoming Shame: A Powerful Message by Chaplain Heidi Woldhuis
Chaplain Heidi Woldhuis from Outreach 419 delivers an impactful message on the topic of shame as part of her series on emotions. Drawing on her own life experiences, Heidi explores how shame, both self-inflicted and imposed by others, can derail lives.
She uses biblical stories of figures like Noah, Lot, Rahab, and David to illustrate that despite their flaws and shameful actions, they were loved and redeemed by God. Heidi encourages viewers to leave their shame behind and embrace God's unconditional love, emphasizing that shame was never meant to be carried by us.
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I listen to those two backto back every single day.
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My famous What If book,here's your what if for today.
This is your first time here.
I tend to pick this book upand I open this thing and we'll
see which one we're gonna read.
And today, this is actually great,so thank you God for this one.
Again, this was written by a woman whenshe was a hundred years old and it comes
from a life, um, wisdom gained from livinga long life and it's kind of a treasure.
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A dear friend of mine gave thisto me, simply says, what if?
Think of yourself when you think this.
There is no such thing.
As a worthless person
because I believed I was oneof those worthless people.
All right?
Yes.
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Shame everybody's favorite topic.
I can't wait to talk about this one.
Woo hoo.
So, I'm a perfect example of, uh,shameful things to feel ashamed over.
'cause I have lived a life that,um, without my higher power, without
my God, without my Jesus would haveme sitting in the corner in shame.
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But that is not the lifethat God has for us.
We're gonna be taking the message todayfrom one Corinthians 1 26 through 31.
And again, I'm gonna take it in piecesand we're gonna talk about shame
because this one, I know beyond ashadow of a doubt affects so many of us.
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Um.
This is a number one reason why peoplecome and ask just to sit and talk.
This was the number one thing thatderailed me and drove me further to my
40 years of drinking shame, both fromthings I chose to do and also shame.
I carried because of thingspeople chose to do to me, and
we're gonna cover all of it.
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And it is my hope today that whenyou leave, if you walked in here
feeling any shame at all, that youwill say, I don't have to carry this.
I don't have to put this on.
I don't have to feel thisand just leave it here today.
Shame is not something thatour father wants for us.
That is not something that heever wanted for us to carry.
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Take a good look friends at who youwere when you got called into this life.
I don't see many of the brightest andthe best among you, not many influential
and not many from high society families.
I love this verse because it's a greatdescription of the people that Jesus
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himself chose to be his disciples.
I think people probably would've assumed,and probably the people themselves,
those highly educated people in, uh,Israel, you know, the Pharisees and the
Sadducees and the religious leaders.
'cause you know, they know it all.
You know, just ask 'em.
They'll let you know.
They know all those lawsand the nitty gritty details
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and they'll hold you to 'em.
Trust me, they would do that.
And, um.
Jesus sent shock waves over so manythings that he did, including choosing
his followers because he didn'tchoose the people you would expect.
He would've walked right in here andsays, I see a whole bunch of people here
that I am ready to call to follow me.
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He'd not go to the higher educated, notgoing to the ones that have it all right,
and they're living that amazing life.
He didn't go to them.
He went to the most broken.
He went to the rough and tumble people.
He went to the ones that probablywould've hung out at the bar and
gotten all the brawling fights andprobably dabbled in the drug thing, and
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liars and cheaters and all the thing.
Those are the ones that he called those.
He called people just like me,just like every one of us in here.
But if you only knew, if you only knewwhat I've done, I'm not worthy of love.
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Not worthy of acceptance.
I'm not worthy of, you can fill inthe blank with a million things.
I know.
I sat and felt utterly worthlessand not worthy of blessings, not
worthy of love, not worthy, period.
Because if you only knew so thatshame had me living in silence.
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That fear, like people can't knowthis though, but not this 'cause.
This is too much.
People are great and they'reforgiving, but this, they'd
never look at me the same.
They would judge me andthen, and I deserve it.
I deserve the judgment.
I deserve this.
I'm just gonna be quiet and I'm gonnalive a life terrified that somebody's
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gonna find out that somebody's gonnasay it because I'm just, I'm not worthy.
If you only knew.
The Bible talks about somepeople that knew some things.
You know, we can say, but I'm an addict.
I'm a drunk me drunk.
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It's what I am.
I can't start drinking becausethen I never stop drinking.
Immoral.
Oh yeah.
That label, that fit me too.
All of those.
All of those.
I think some of us in here canprobably identify with one or
two or three of these things.
It's things that we doin a life when we're
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not focused on God.
When we're lost in our substance use.
When we're lost in life.
When we're lost,
but
so are they.
But you're like Noah.
But he built an arc, like he didwhat God said, preach to people.
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It was amazing.
He was saved with his family.
So I sat with that and it was like,
you wanna talk about some PTSD?
Imagine being Noah.
You know?
I think we forget thathe knew those people.
He lived with them, he talkedwith them, they interacted
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with them, he cared about them.
What did he get to witness?
I never sat and thought about that before.
How do you live in theaftermath of utter destruction?
And it wasn't just a townthat a tornado took out
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a global event.
Nobody made it.
But him and his family,I'm sure he had friends.
The relatives, everything.
You know, like I think, do we justpicture Noah and his wife and his kids?
There were no aunts, no uncles, no.
Like, well how did they get there?
You know?
Obviously there were others.
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I would imagine that's traumatic.
And Noah was a human just like us.
Noah planted a vineyard.
Nothing wrong with that, but guesswhat he did with what he grew?
He made a product that Iindulged in for a long time.
Noah got drunk.
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I kind of get it.
There's sometimes things in yourhead that are hard and heavy, and I
can imagine Noah had some of those.
I can't imagine what that experiencewould've been like, but he got
very, very, very drunk and hewas very, let's like Gary Kay.
Naked and drunk andmaking a fool of himself.
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And it's the epitome of ashameful act and behavior.
And he had one son that mockedand laughed and couldn't wait
to tell the other brothers.
The brother paid a price for that,but in the other two sons came and
covered their dad and tried to covertheir shame, but no experienced shame.
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How about lot again?
Oh, but lot.
He took his wife and hisfamily and they fled the city.
They were righteous people.
They were good and they fled lots.
Good, right?
Guess who else drank?
Yeah, that's right.
Lot.
You wanna talk aboutsome immoral behaviors.
Lot drank and willingly drankwhat his daughters gave him.
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'cause it was just lot.
And his daughters at that point didn'twant the family lying to die out.
So lot had childrenwith his two daughters.
That wasn't an okay thing in those days.
That's shameful.
You think he didn't have that?
What if thought
he did?
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How about Rahab?
Rahab wasn't even an Israeliteand she was a prostitute.
But Rahab also saved men fromIsrael that came into the town.
She helped them escape knowing that itwould cost her everything, her life.
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She knew that and she willingly did it.
You know what happened to her?
She ended up marrying somebodyfrom Israel and she is listed
in the family line of Jesus.
She's a prostitute.
She knows what it's like to feel shame.
And then there's King David,man, after God's own heart.
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Oh, that's right.
We talked last week.
He raped somebody andthen murdered her husband.
Little bit immoral, I would dare say
shame.
Can you imagine being the king andhaving a prophet come to your doorstep?
We're gonna have a talk.
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And then everything you didwas openly stated to you.
Like David's like It's known faceto face with my greatest shame.
God gives us these things inthe Bible because he knows
we're gonna deal with shame.
And yet Noah in lot in Rahab and Davidare listed in the Bible as people that
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God loved people that God redeemedin the family line of Jesus himself.
They weren't the perfect ones,
they weren't listed becausethey did everything right.
At times, I think, I thought perhaps,you know, like Noah is the most
perfect person that walked the planetat that time, but it was his faith.
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So God saw him through the lensesof his faith and could describe
him as a man after my heart.
It wasn't based on his actions,but I love that their actions and
their behaviors are listed for us.
I'm glad that we can read it so we cansee that all these great saints that
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have gone before were just like us.
I
sometimes, I wanna say worse than,but then that's that whole thing.
But I haven't murdered anybody.
I haven't raped anybody,
but I sure have done a lot of otherthings that put me on the same playing
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field, but I harmed people off.
Beat somebody up.
That's an obvious, yeah.
That harms people murder.
Yeah.
That would be harming people.
I lost a lot of time with my kidsbecause I was drinking and drunk.
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I harmed my kids.
That's harm.
I harmed myself, family,people I cared about.
There's so many differentways of harming people.
Some that land you behind bars,others that are the bars in your own
head because you live with the ideaand the memories and the thoughts.
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I hurt people though I'm not worthy.
I'm so ashamed of how I treated people.
I didn't help when I could have helped.
Maybe I mocked or belittled.
Maybe I left, you know, didn'tinclude somebody because you're
not good enough to sit with me.
There's a million ways that we can harm.
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Sometimes we may notknow how deeply we do.
Other times it's full on intentbecause we, we didn't care.
I know in my substance use, Iknow for a fact I caused a lot
of harm to myself, primarily, andthen to my kids, not physically.
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They were always provided for, we alwaysfigured out, I managed to keep a roof
over their head through a number of ways,
but time away not beingpresent like I should have.
Those are things thatsit on me, those gut me.
If I let those emotions go, I'm sittingsobbing because the last people on
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earth I'd wanna hurt were the sixkids who were everything to me.
My most precious treasures here on earthdoesn't change the fact that I hurt them,
but so did they.
Kane first murder.
He killed his brother because hegot jealous because his brother
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chose to do the right thing.
And Kane kind of like, ohyeah, I gotta sacrifice.
Oh yeah, those are good enough.
We'll throw those up there.
While his brother chose the best to offer,and Kane couldn't deal with it, so I'll
take care of that and killed his brother.
David's back on the list again.
He certainly hurt people.
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I would say raping somebody and thenmurdering a husband is causing some harm.
But look at the harm he did to hisfaith, to his people, to his position.
What about his men in battle thathe should have been out there with
leading while he's lolly, gagging,and traipsing around the city
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there, he caused all kinds of harm.
Peter and Judas.
I'm gonna take those two together.
You're gonna see Judas showup again because he's that
little wild card on the list.
Peter and Judas both betrayed Jesus.
Peter, through denying him three timesduring his trial, three times over and
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over, louder each time getting moreand more angry that somebody would
dare try to say, you know that man,and Peter, because he is so afraid.
I don't want this to happen to me.
Nope, don't know him.
I don't know him at all.
Once, twice, three times.
And the third time we know that RoosterCrow, just like Jesus said it would.
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What do you think Peter thought?
Because Jesus was walking up those stairsat the same time and caught his eye
during the third time of denying him.
Can you imagine looking Godin the face, as you're saying?
I don't even know that man.
And then he looks at you as heis on his way to die for you.
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Oh, and then there's Judas, A disciple,loved by Jesus with him everywhere, just
celebrated the Lord's supper with him.
Jesus served Judas tooat that Lord's supper.
Judas got up and left.
Why?
Because he had to sell Jesusfor 30 pieces of silver.
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He also betrayed Jesus.
Both of them had therealization of what they did.
The difference between these two.
Peter ran closer to God.
Judas went further because hismind never grasped the concept that
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he could continue to go closer.
Paul.
Paul, we read his words in theNew Testament all the time.
So many of them written from prison.
We hold Paul up as justthis amazing man of God.
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But before he was Paul.
Oh, he was Saul.
And Saul had a job because he was oneof the educated religious leaders.
He killed people that followed Jesus.
He persecuted them.
He rounded 'em up and threw 'em in jail.
That's what he did, and he was good at it.
Christians feared this man.
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They feared him.
So what do you think he had todeal with after his conversion?
So now he's being sent to minister to andlive with the very people he used to kill.
Do you think he didn't feel someguilt and shame over what he had done?
He had blood on hishands, Paul, but these are
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for the most part, saints.
But I ran from God.
What is running from God?
I ran for a long time.
I've always known God.
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I was brought up in a super, super,super conservative church Bible.
I, I know the Bible 'cause drilled inevery single day, seven days a week,
and catechism and church twice on Sundayand Bible studies and Sunday school.
And I was at every single onebecause there wasn't another option.
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But I didn't know God.
I didn't have a relationship with God.
And when the hard stuff was in life, Ididn't know that God was there to love me.
I ran in fear because it'sGod, he's gonna punish me.
I'm gonna go to Hell.
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Well, I don't wanna go to Hell and I loveGod, but I didn't know God and I'm not
good enough and I can't get it right.
And alcohol makes it feel a lot better.
So I'm gonna drink morealcohol and get further away.
And then alcohol causes this,and causes this and causes this.
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And I kept running.
I kept running from the very thing thatwould've been my comfort, the one thing
that would've helped make things better.
And I went further and furtherand further and further from it.
Because fear first.
And right on its heels with shame.
And they kept pushing me away, pushing mefurther away because I'm so not deserving.
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I'm not deserving, I'm notworthy, I'm not capable.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
There's a million things thatpush us further and further and
further from the one that we shouldbe coming closer and closer to.
But so did these people in the Bible,Adam and Eve, they hid, that's running
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that recognition hits.
They knew what they'd just done.
They knew the decision they had, and Idon't think there was this gradual change
in their life and in their mindset.
Like they went from living in thisperfect place and everything is amazing.
All their needs are met in the mostbeautiful place we could possibly imagine.
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But that wasn't good enough becauseyou know, we gotta have more.
That's how humans are.
So they got more, they got allthe emotions, except it wasn't
all happy and joyful anymore.
I wonder what it was like to feelshame for the first time, something
you've never felt before, andthen to be overwhelmed with it.
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To the point where you're in this gardenin desperation, trying to hide from
God, who you used to walk with daily.
No shame.
They were like tryingto cover themselves up.
'cause God can't see us naked.
Well, he made you, he kindof knows what you look like.
You weren't ashamed about it before.
You are now.
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Because the knowledge, the knowledgeof who you really are in your core.
Hit home for them and reality, I'm sure.
It was a horrible thing thatthey had to get through.
Moses again, you know, greatMoses leading the people.
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You know, the 40 year journeythat shouldn't have taken
40 years, but it needed to.
That one that Moses,
he was called by God and Moses knewit, but he always, always, always
had a reason why he couldn't.
I have a stammer.
I don't speak well, lala, la, la, la, la, la.
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Well, then Moses saw oneof his fellow countrymen.
Moses, of course is, was raised bythe king's daughter, so we kind of
had this special position, but allhis countrymen were still there.
They were slaves though.
Saw some being mistreated.
So he murdered the manwho was mistreating him.
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He hightailed it out of there.
His faith, his confidence in Goddidn't trust that God could handle it.
So he is like, I'm gonna handle it.
I'm gonna murder him.
And, oh shoot, bad choice.
Not good.
So he ran.
Can't outrun God though, Jonah.
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We know the story of Jonah and youknow the cute thing, and in Sunday
school you got the fish and the littleJonah sitting inside the stomach,
you know, the smile on there, justwaiting to get spit up on the shore.
That all happened because he wasrunning, because he didn't wanna
go where God said he needed to go.
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He didn't wanna go to Nineveh.
I'm not going.
So he went everywherebut ends up on a ship.
Remember that he's on a ship.
Horrible storm.
Noah Un or Jonah understandsit's because of me.
It's me.
It's because you have me on this boat.
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I'm the reason for all of this.
You need to throw me overboard.
So they did and things count.
But do we forget wherethey were at that time?
Do we really think Noahcould have swam shore?
Was that possible?
Again, another thing that I sat with,I'm like, oh, something had to save 'em.
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I don't think they had life jackets.
I don't think there was alifeguard on duty at that point.
There's nobody on a jet skiwaiting to go pick him up.
There wasn't another boat rightthere that was gonna scoop him up.
No, this is Jonah bobbingaround on the water out there.
Suddenly this horrible thingof getting swallowed by a fish.
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'cause I'm telling you, I'd think Iwould just choose to die right then and
there at the whole thought of that thing.
I mean, whoa.
And then to be in therefor three days, ugh.
But he would've died.
He wasn't gonna swim back to shore.
That horrible place was what saved him.
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Just like the trials inlife are often what save us.
So Jonah found himself, whoop,got a ride right up to shore.
I'm sure he smelled great.
His skin was all weirdly colored.
But it's what happens when you'resloshing around in some fish's dinner.
You know?
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I'm just like, I'm like everything in me.
I'm like, Ugh, talk about PTSD.
I'd never be okay, but, butit's what God used to save him.
But it was because he was running Judas.
He also ran, but he didn'trun back towards God ever.
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He continued in the knowledge of whathe had done, and he never did understand
that he was worthy because of Jesus.
Isn't it obvious that God deliberatelychose men and women that the culture
overlooks and exploits and abuses,chose those nobodies to expose the
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hollow pretensions of the somebodies?
The shame that we've talked about,for the most part has been shame
over actions that people chose
and then we get to, but if you knewwhat happened to me, if you knew
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what happened when I was a child.
We live in a culture that oftenmakes victims of something done
to them bear the shame of it.
That's another kind of shame andone of the cruelest kind where the
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victim is made to carry the shame
that happens all the time.
Ask a woman who's been raped,
shame is one of the primarythings that she feels.
Why?
Why does she feel the shame?
Ask a child that was molested,how they feel as an adult
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over action, somebody took againstthem and violated every line and
boundary there is and harmed a child.
How do they usually feel as an adult?
And I can tell you fromexperience at shame.
I bore the shame of it.
Something really wrong with me.
I was naughty, I was bad, I was worthless.
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I was this, I was that.
Because those things, thosedon't happen to good people.
Must have been a really bad kid.
That's why it happened to me.
'cause I was bad.
And then it got backed up witha, well, you know, God knew that
you needed refining so that'swhat he had happened to you.
'cause that's what was told to me, whichwas the cruelest thing you could say to
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somebody because that is not the case.
But it doesn't change the fact thatmany, many, many people carry shame.
That is not their shame to carry.
The shame is on the one whocaused the action against them.
So I'm pleading with church.
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If you know people in thatsituation love them harder.
Tell them they don'thave to carry that shame.
That is not shameful tosay what happened to you.
I didn't talk about ituntil a couple years ago.
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That was the one thing I never shared.
I was never gonna talkabout that one ever.
It's the most shameful thing.
That's what my head said.
The most shameful thing.
I was a kid.
I was a kid, and here I am in myfifties feeling shame over actions that
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were done to me when I was a child.
That's awful shame to carry.
I speak with women who've experiencedsexual assault and the shame breaks my
heart into a million pieces because it'snot their shame to carry, but they do.
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They understood Tamar, old Testament,Tamar's half brother called her
over, wanted some food, okay?
She brought it to him and he raped her.
And in that culture that madeher worthless, she would never be
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married, could likely be the onedying because of what happened to her.
That's just the way they did things.
Then
she lived in shame forthe rest of her life
in torn clothing and dust on her head.
It's what she did every day, wearingthe shame of an action done to her.
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Noah,
I'm sure he woke up with ahangover and then had to sit in
the shame of what had happened.
Because you know, peopletold him what happened
lot.
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I can imagine there's shame as he looksat this newborn, tiny baby that his
daughter just had and it's his child.
You think there's no shame there.
Every day,
I'd imagine there was a lot.
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How about this woman?
She was outright caughtin the middle of the act.
I don't think when they dragged her outto make a spectacle of her, they allowed
her to dress or have any sort of modestywhatsoever as they hauled her out in
public and threw her at the feet ofJesus in the middle of a crowded people.
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To make an example of her,I'm sure they already had the
rocks in hand to throw at her.
Do you think she didn't feel shame?
I don't know what causedher to be in that position.
In those days and times.
There's a number of things, achoice, possibly desperation.
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That was usually the choice.
It wasn't super easy to be a woman incertain cultures, but hers, she didn't
have the luxury of a private she,she was dragged out on full display.
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In the middle of everybody adulterer.
I'm sure she sh sawrocks in people's hands.
She knew the penalties.
I'm sure there's fear, but when I putmyself in her place, it shame that
I think would override everything.
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The utter shame of what I'mexperiencing, they understood.
But all of them are loved by God.
All of them.
Jesus loved this woman thatwas caught in adultery.
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He loved her.
He didn't shame her.
He didn't accuse her.
He didn't further traumatize her.
Humans do that.
That makes it quite clear thatnone of you can get by with
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blowing your own horn before God.
Everything that we have, rightthinking and right living a clean
slate and a fresh start comesfrom God by way of Jesus Christ.
And that's why we have thesaying, if you're gonna blow a
horn, blow a trumpet for God.
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My favorite picture, you'll probablysee this for a while, sorry, not sorry.
There's something powerful inthis photo for me, so I use it.
But those words,
I paid the cost of your shame.
He paid the cost of mine
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because I love you.
There is nothing else that wouldmake somebody pay that price.
Nothing.
You don't do this forsomebody you're angry with.
You don't do it for somebodyyou're frustrated with.
You don't do it for people thatyou see as worthless and unworthy.
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You don't do what he didbecause you weren't worth it.
He didn't do what he did becausethere were things you've done
that he doesn't know about.
So you made the list.
Doesn't work that way.
Fully aware.
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Because he was there
in every single thing.
He was there, it's all known.
Nothing was a surprise.
And he knows all the stupid thingsI'm gonna do before my time here
comes to an end and he stillsays, man, I love you, Heidi.
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I'm doing this for you.
And the shame, do we think Jesusdidn't experience shameful things.
He didn't do things worthy ofshame, but he suffered things
that were meant to be shameful.
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His death being on the cross,
it was considered one of the mostshameful ways to be put to death
because it represented rejection,rejection, both from earth.
In rejection from heaven,you're like hanging in between.
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You're not on earth, butyou're not in heaven.
You're dying, hanging in the airpublicly, gruesomely horribly over a
prolonged period of time, mock ridiculedyour crimes, posted for all the world
to see above your head, and you thinkthat's not a shameful way to die.
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I don't know what makessomebody love me that much.
I don't.
But to say you're worth it.
He says it every day to every one of you.
He's like, I did that for you.
So you don't have to live with the shame.
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He knows what you've done and ifyou chose it willingly, he knew
that and still said yes to this
things that were done to you.
He was there too.
I struggled with that onefor a very, very long time.
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'cause I'm like, God, youcould have stopped it.
It didn't have to happen becauseyou could have stopped it.
It's like, yeah.
He goes, this is sin.
This is his fallen world welive in and things are allowed.
You do not understandit now, but you will.
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And now I do.
Now I do.
Well, I can pray.
Please God.
Don't ever.
Let that happen again,that experience as a child.
But please don't ever, ever, everlet me fall back into my drinking.
Don't let me ever fallback into my addiction.
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Don't let me fall back into running.
Just please don't ask me to do that again.
Because the lessons learned in those timesare precious, and I'm grateful for them.
But wow,
they're hard and they're heavy,and he knows that he didn't ask
(37:18):
you to get through it on your own.
He says, I'm right here.
You just keep looking at me and watchwhat I'm gonna make this become.
I'm gonna take something that wasmeant for evil for you, and I'm gonna
make something beautiful from it.
My father, God grieved in mygreatest pain and hurt grief.
(37:43):
He didn't celebrate it.
He wasn't saying, oh yeah,good, worthless, naughty kid.
Maybe this'll straighten her out.
That was an agony to God because Godis love, and love is not something
that would choose deliberateharm, especially to a child.
(38:05):
We know what God thinks of childrenand how he feels about 'em.
For anyone here who struggleswith shame, we can sit in recovery
if you're like me at all, and I canbring to mind so often, and I don't have
(38:28):
my alcohol anymore to numb this, but Ithink over my life so often I can think
of times, events, people, places, things.
All the things I did that I de, it'slike, oh, if I could go back and.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
I can do that endlessly and I can sitand think about the ramifications of
(38:52):
what it caused, of how things would bedifferent if I wouldn't have done that.
I feel such shame sometimes, but I feelthat because I look back at it from
where I am now with an understandingand a knowledge that I have, now I
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understand why I carried such shame.
It's 'cause I didn't lean into God yet.
I didn't truly understand love like that.
I'd never had a healthy relationship.
You think I had one with God?
I didn't know what ahealthy relationship was.
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I'm like, well, it's good enough.
I guess this is what I'm getting.
I didn't know I wasworthy of more than that.
And it's not a selfishthing to feel that way.
It's not a bad thing to know yourworth, to know your value, even with
(39:57):
every choice you've ever made in life.
That's where we get hung up.
I think it's pretty easy.
It's like, well, I serve people andI like to feed people and I try to
be nice, um, to people and smileat people and give compliments
so, you know, ah, I'm not so bad.
(40:23):
It gets sticky though.
When you remember.
When you remember.
It's one of the worstthings I think about people.
With addiction
because as we're trying to fightthat addiction to remain in
(40:43):
our sobriety and our recovery,
we get to deal with all those thoughtsand emotions without the tool that we
use before to take us away from that.
It's not fun to sit with those things.
(41:06):
If you feel shame over things thatyou chose to do, just tell God.
Say, God,
you were there so you already know whatI'm gonna tell you, but I did this.
Thank you for covering that.
Thank you for loving me so muchthat you took care of that.
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Thank you.
And for those of you that feel thatother shame over things done to you, I
am pleading with you to lean into Godwho never judged you, who only sat there
(41:49):
holding you and saying, I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Let it go.
It's not yours.
It was never your shame.
The one I hate, Satan, that's him talking.
(42:14):
I hate him for that becauseof the destruction of it.
I am coming to believe that shameis more likely to take you off your
recovery game than any other emotion.
The shame of being known, the shameof people, knowing your real thoughts,
(42:35):
your real actions, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, all this stuff,
the literal just being fully known.
And that can make it really hardto come closer to God too, because
who knows you more than that?
And when those human emotions arecovering everything, it's hard to
understand that God doesn't see youthe same way you're seeing yourself.
(42:59):
Because I think sometimes wemistakenly think that, well, if we
can see it, imagine what he sees.
And you're right, he sees it all, buthe sees it through the lens of this one.
Those words again, it is finished.
(43:23):
Why do we not let it be finished?
Why?
We said it last time, whatdoes it is finished mean?
Was it?
It's finished.
For some of it.
I covered 75% of the sin.
You guys are responsiblefor the remaining 25%.
(43:47):
That wouldn't work.
It's impossible.
Well, I'll die for you now, but if youscrew up again, you're off the boat.
Done.
I didn't die for you, then thatdoesn't work that way either.
He doesn't do things part way.
It's kind of a go bigor go home, kind of God.
(44:09):
It's the way he is.
It's all or nothing.
But in the best way,
it's not difficult toreceive what he's giving.
We just have to take it.
But the hardest part about that for someof us, and I'm assuming, I'm assuming I'm
not the only one, was because I felt soutterly unworthy because I knew myself.
(44:40):
That's the fall at work in me.
I suddenly knew myself andit wasn't in a good way.
It's understanding just how horribleI've been, just how awful my thoughts
can be, of how selfish I can beand wanting, depends on the day.
(45:02):
It can be different things,
but please
leave the shame those storiesin the Bible that I said before.
I love that when I read it.
(45:25):
I don't try to pretty up, Idon't call David an adulterer.
I won't.
It angers me to see that word becausehe was a murderer and a rapist.
Say what it really is becauseit makes his story better.
It makes it more beautiful.
(45:45):
Tell it in its rawnessand in its full nature.
Tell it that way because I'mtelling you, when you hear that
from somebody, you're like, I can'teven believe it because look at you.
That's the beautiful thing.
That's what makes people want Jesus.
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Why are we watering it down?
I've had watered down Jesus my entirelife and I recognize that now we prettied
up the words because we're in church andwe don't wanna say dirty words like sex.
Assault, sexual abuse,pedophilia, rape, molestation.
(46:28):
Why don't we call thingswhat they really are.
They are ugly words.
Lying, cheating, stealing,luting, all of it.
Ugly words, but say it what it is.
Don't make some pretty little polishedup thing because the beauty is in
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the ugliness being made beautiful.
What God can do with thatis marvelous and freeing.
That was a hard thing to grasp.
It's not fun to tellyour story in rawness.
(47:14):
The first time I did it, I was like, Ican't believe I'm saying this out loud.
I expected people to start walking out.
I expect people, they were gonnacome up to me and gimme an earful.
I expected awful things tohappen because boy, I said some
things that were really ugly.
Things that I'd never heardopenly talked about in church.
(47:38):
You know what that caused?
I thought I was the only onethat had that happen to me.
'cause nobody ever talked about it.
It's why we walk around in shame.
We are the church and it's the placewhere shame shouldn't be and we should
never allow people to feel it andwe should never be the cause of it
(48:06):
without intending.
Sometimes I think we can justheat more shame on people and we
need to be so careful of that.
He took care of all of it.
Don't be ashamed of your story becauseit's the journey that God used.
(48:31):
There's a lot of not prettystories in the Bible.
Why do you think yourshas to be pretty to share?
My favorite are the real ones.
You can tell me anything, anythingat all, and I will not change my
mind about how I feel about you,and you can test me on that one.
(48:51):
I will not be shocked andI will not be disgusted.
I will not be appalled.
I will be none of those things.
I will feel honored that youallowed me into that space to trust
somebody that much with the junk.
But remember, there are only peoplebecause the only one that matters.
(49:17):
Already knows and already took care of it.
So we're worried about peopleand their little thoughts.
I worry about that too much.
If people knew I'm gonna challengeyou, let them, let them know.
(49:38):
Share your story fully, all of it,
especially with the ones thatmay wanna be coming at you.
I had no idea that'skind of your best weapon.
People using my past against me.
And I've had people do it eager to pointout things that they knew or found out
(50:01):
or heard, and I'm like, that's great, butI didn't think you got the whole story.
Let me tell you the whole story.
At which point they're feeling like afool because now I am openly talking
about topics they don't wanna talk about.
I don't wanna hear it.
Love.
I'm like, no, let me tell you because wow.
(50:21):
Look at where I am.
Look where he brought me.
And if you can't see the miracle
of my life,
I'm sorry for you.
(50:42):
Because in my sharing, all I want to dois let people know our God is that big.
He's that big.
For every single one of you in here, nomatter what you've done, no matter how
long you've been away, you don't haveto be a devout Christian follower and
(51:04):
do all the things right for X amountof time to be admitted into heaven.
The thief on the cross is proof of that.
Didn't do a good thing a day in his life.
Didn't know God a day in his life untilhe's about to take his last breath.
And that day he metJesus and went to heaven.
That's my God.
That's my God.
(51:26):
So don't let anybodytell you, you're too far.
You're too this.
You're not doing this right.
I'm gonna call it what it is.
It's crap.
Yeah.
I said it in church.
It's crap.
I don't want to sellyou a watered down God.
I wanna sell you a God, not sell you.
(51:49):
I want to show you
the non watered down realness of God.
I know.
(52:10):
The more I do this, the more I'mrealizing how water down he's
become and it's done nothing butcause people more harm and hurt.
Christians sitting here going tochurch every day because to them,
churches become a building or adenomination or the name above the door.
And that becomes moreimportant than anything else.
(52:31):
A label or a title.
You wear Christian like anoun, but it's not a verb.
So Christians are silent and they'requiet, but they're very nice.
How was your day?
Oh good.
Did your kids have a good time in schooland, oh, did you go to the thing and,
oh, Bible study was wonderful and,oh, did you sign up for adult group?
Yeah.
Oh, it's so good.
I'm so blessed.
(52:53):
That's about as deep as itgets in most churches surface.
We don't live a surface life.
We don't.
Why doesn't.
Gathering to do church,which isn't a building.
It is not a building.
(53:15):
It is not a denomination.
It's not a place, it's us.
Why did church become that way?
I start to realize how deep Satan's gotteninto church, does his best work there?
(53:45):
The church is whereyou go with everything,
and we should be the most understanding,compassionate, loving humans on the planet
because we know what was done for us.
But we don't do that.
(54:06):
For other people, we live themfeeling too ashamed to talk about it.
Oh yeah.
We don't do recovery servicesin the church because, you know,
oh, they do that over there.
We keep it cleaner over here.
I had one church say it, uh, it costs ustoo much money to have a ministry in that.
And I'm like,
(54:29):
what?
It costs you too much money.
Really.
What is your churchthen is just a building.
And that's empty and that's meaningless.
Should never be about a cost.
(54:51):
There's more than enough for everybody.
It should never be a place whereyou feel you're not good enough, or
you have to clean up a certain way,or look a certain way, or know it
all, or even know the Bible at all.
You don't to go to church becausechurch is simply a gathering of
(55:12):
people who are the church whoare coming together to talk about
the one who changed everything.
It's community, it's support.
It's what keeps us going.
It's what keeps the love going.
It's together.
(55:33):
We can make amazing things happen.
I see that here all the time.
The people that come heremake amazing things happen.
Bat's, church, what happens hereon six days outside of Sunday?
That's church.
That's more church than anythingI've ever seen in my life.
Church isn't Sunday listeningto one person standing up here
(55:57):
telling you how to live your life.
It's not church.
My whole drive for even being up hereis to see people free from the crap
that keeps you stuck in fear and shameand worthlessness, because that's
not what you are, are a treasure.
(56:20):
You are capable, you are loved,and you have a calling on your
life, every single one of you.
And if you don't believe me, justcome talk to you because I promise
you, if you are here, you're aliveand you're breathing, you have a
calling on your life by God himself.
Say yes to that when youunderstand what it is.
(56:41):
But buckle up, it gets a little crazy.
But in all the fun kind of ways,
I pray
that shame doesn't takeyou outta the game.
That shame doesn't keep you separated.
And I'm talking about the kind ofseparated that happens even when
(57:01):
you're surrounded by people, thekind of shame that makes you feel
like you can't be known fully.
I'll share fully everything aboutmy life, all the ugly, icky, dirty
parts of my life, and I will talkabout it openly because holy hell,
(57:25):
every day is more awareness ofwhat redemption and mercy, and
grace and above all love is.
I haven't lived a life this free of shame
(57:46):
in 55 years.
I think even as a child, shame was just anormal part of my life and it was awful.
And it keeps you from thatamazing relationship with God.
It's how I can hold my head up inspite of, because I have nothing to be
(58:08):
ashamed of because he took care of it.
And I'm not gonna look at himand say, it wasn't enough.
I have to carry this part.
You don't have to carryany of it, none of it.
Because he was capable todo it all, every bit of it.
So please just let him have it.
(58:30):
He's been trying to take itlike, okay, not ready yet.
You wanna give it to me?
Give it to me.
Just please give it to me.
He's got a calling on your life.
Shame isn't part of your calling.
Fear's not a part of your calling.
None of it.
(58:51):
You just say yes and just say thank you.
And then the hard partand then receive it.
Hmm.
I can say all the words too,
but to really do it, to really receiveit, that's a huge step of faith.
(59:14):
If you wanna find out what faith is,receive it fully and don't go back
and pick up what you left with them.
That can be hard to do.
I often have to return some shame.
It's like, sorry, put that right there.
Brought that one home with me.
(59:34):
He will take it back as many timesand he's gonna keep saying, it's like,
you don't have to bring that home.
You can don't have to bring it home.
Really Not even sure whatyou're picking up there.
'cause I don't see that anymore.
So if God doesn't see it, stoplooking for it because it isn't there.
(01:00:01):
I thank all of you for coming today.
I hope that something thatwas shared, spoke to you.
It is always my prayer that Godwill know the needs in here,
but I am pleading with you.
Just take the time before you leavetoday or at any point when you're
(01:00:22):
ready, and hand the shame to him.
It takes many different forms, butyou don't have to leave here with it.
You don't.
It can be truly that easy just tosay, I'm not living that way anymore.
I'm not claiming it.
I'm not living in shame anymore.
I'm not gonna feel this wayanymore because I'm not gonna
(01:00:42):
take away from what he's done.
I'm not going to show the worldby wearing my shame that Jesus
didn't quite cover it all.
'cause I still have tohave this part of it.
We're humans and we all doit, but we don't have to.
So please, please just leave it here.
(01:01:06):
So thank you.
Thank you.
We'll be singing now so I knoweventually, I know I got words for days,
but I appreciate you all being here.
Shame has been a, a bigone to sit in this week.
(01:01:26):
It's been good for me.
I realized I had a lot that I still hadto hand over 'cause boy it digs in deep.
I know how deep the shamedoes, but I. Leave it here.
I'm gonna set mine empty, my pockets,and I'm gonna put it right there.
Leave it there.
I listen to those two backto back every single day.
(00:03):
My famous What If book,here's your what if for today.
This is your first time here.
I tend to pick this book upand I open this thing and we'll
see which one we're gonna read.
And today, this is actually great,so thank you God for this one.
Again, this was written by a woman whenshe was a hundred years old and it comes
from a life, um, wisdom gained from livinga long life and it's kind of a treasure.
(00:27):
A dear friend of mine gave thisto me, simply says, what if?
Think of yourself when you think this.
There is no such thing.
As a worthless person
because I believed I was oneof those worthless people.
All right?
Yes.
(00:47):
Shame everybody's favorite topic.
I can't wait to talk about this one.
Woo hoo.
So, I'm a perfect example of, uh,shameful things to feel ashamed over.
'cause I have lived a life that,um, without my higher power, without
my God, without my Jesus would haveme sitting in the corner in shame.
(01:12):
But that is not the lifethat God has for us.
We're gonna be taking the message todayfrom one Corinthians 1 26 through 31.
And again, I'm gonna take it in piecesand we're gonna talk about shame
because this one, I know beyond ashadow of a doubt affects so many of us.
(01:32):
Um.
This is a number one reason why peoplecome and ask just to sit and talk.
This was the number one thing thatderailed me and drove me further to my
40 years of drinking shame, both fromthings I chose to do and also shame.
I carried because of thingspeople chose to do to me, and
we're gonna cover all of it.
(01:54):
And it is my hope today that whenyou leave, if you walked in here
feeling any shame at all, that youwill say, I don't have to carry this.
I don't have to put this on.
I don't have to feel thisand just leave it here today.
Shame is not something thatour father wants for us.
That is not something that heever wanted for us to carry.
(02:17):
Take a good look friends at who youwere when you got called into this life.
I don't see many of the brightest andthe best among you, not many influential
and not many from high society families.
I love this verse because it's a greatdescription of the people that Jesus
(02:38):
himself chose to be his disciples.
I think people probably would've assumed,and probably the people themselves,
those highly educated people in, uh,Israel, you know, the Pharisees and the
Sadducees and the religious leaders.
'cause you know, they know it all.
You know, just ask 'em.
They'll let you know.
They know all those lawsand the nitty gritty details
(02:59):
and they'll hold you to 'em.
Trust me, they would do that.
And, um.
Jesus sent shock waves over so manythings that he did, including choosing
his followers because he didn'tchoose the people you would expect.
He would've walked right in here andsays, I see a whole bunch of people here
that I am ready to call to follow me.
(03:20):
He'd not go to the higher educated, notgoing to the ones that have it all right,
and they're living that amazing life.
He didn't go to them.
He went to the most broken.
He went to the rough and tumble people.
He went to the ones that probablywould've hung out at the bar and
gotten all the brawling fights andprobably dabbled in the drug thing, and
(03:41):
liars and cheaters and all the thing.
Those are the ones that he called those.
He called people just like me,just like every one of us in here.
But if you only knew, if you only knewwhat I've done, I'm not worthy of love.
(04:03):
Not worthy of acceptance.
I'm not worthy of, you can fill inthe blank with a million things.
I know.
I sat and felt utterly worthlessand not worthy of blessings, not
worthy of love, not worthy, period.
Because if you only knew so thatshame had me living in silence.
(04:28):
That fear, like people can't knowthis though, but not this 'cause.
This is too much.
People are great and they'reforgiving, but this, they'd
never look at me the same.
They would judge me andthen, and I deserve it.
I deserve the judgment.
I deserve this.
I'm just gonna be quiet and I'm gonnalive a life terrified that somebody's
(04:50):
gonna find out that somebody's gonnasay it because I'm just, I'm not worthy.
If you only knew.
The Bible talks about somepeople that knew some things.
You know, we can say, but I'm an addict.
I'm a drunk me drunk.
(05:11):
It's what I am.
I can't start drinking becausethen I never stop drinking.
Immoral.
Oh yeah.
That label, that fit me too.
All of those.
All of those.
I think some of us in here canprobably identify with one or
two or three of these things.
It's things that we doin a life when we're
(05:33):
not focused on God.
When we're lost in our substance use.
When we're lost in life.
When we're lost,
but
so are they.
But you're like Noah.
But he built an arc, like he didwhat God said, preach to people.
(05:56):
It was amazing.
He was saved with his family.
So I sat with that and it was like,
you wanna talk about some PTSD?
Imagine being Noah.
You know?
I think we forget thathe knew those people.
He lived with them, he talkedwith them, they interacted
(06:18):
with them, he cared about them.
What did he get to witness?
I never sat and thought about that before.
How do you live in theaftermath of utter destruction?
And it wasn't just a townthat a tornado took out
(06:40):
a global event.
Nobody made it.
But him and his family,I'm sure he had friends.
The relatives, everything.
You know, like I think, do we justpicture Noah and his wife and his kids?
There were no aunts, no uncles, no.
Like, well how did they get there?
You know?
Obviously there were others.
(07:01):
I would imagine that's traumatic.
And Noah was a human just like us.
Noah planted a vineyard.
Nothing wrong with that, but guesswhat he did with what he grew?
He made a product that Iindulged in for a long time.
Noah got drunk.
(07:25):
I kind of get it.
There's sometimes things in yourhead that are hard and heavy, and I
can imagine Noah had some of those.
I can't imagine what that experiencewould've been like, but he got
very, very, very drunk and hewas very, let's like Gary Kay.
Naked and drunk andmaking a fool of himself.
(07:46):
And it's the epitome of ashameful act and behavior.
And he had one son that mockedand laughed and couldn't wait
to tell the other brothers.
The brother paid a price for that,but in the other two sons came and
covered their dad and tried to covertheir shame, but no experienced shame.
(08:07):
How about lot again?
Oh, but lot.
He took his wife and hisfamily and they fled the city.
They were righteous people.
They were good and they fled lots.
Good, right?
Guess who else drank?
Yeah, that's right.
Lot.
You wanna talk aboutsome immoral behaviors.
Lot drank and willingly drankwhat his daughters gave him.
(08:33):
'cause it was just lot.
And his daughters at that point didn'twant the family lying to die out.
So lot had childrenwith his two daughters.
That wasn't an okay thing in those days.
That's shameful.
You think he didn't have that?
What if thought
he did?
(08:54):
How about Rahab?
Rahab wasn't even an Israeliteand she was a prostitute.
But Rahab also saved men fromIsrael that came into the town.
She helped them escape knowing that itwould cost her everything, her life.
(09:16):
She knew that and she willingly did it.
You know what happened to her?
She ended up marrying somebodyfrom Israel and she is listed
in the family line of Jesus.
She's a prostitute.
She knows what it's like to feel shame.
And then there's King David,man, after God's own heart.
(09:37):
Oh, that's right.
We talked last week.
He raped somebody andthen murdered her husband.
Little bit immoral, I would dare say
shame.
Can you imagine being the king andhaving a prophet come to your doorstep?
We're gonna have a talk.
(09:58):
And then everything you didwas openly stated to you.
Like David's like It's known faceto face with my greatest shame.
God gives us these things inthe Bible because he knows
we're gonna deal with shame.
And yet Noah in lot in Rahab and Davidare listed in the Bible as people that
(10:20):
God loved people that God redeemedin the family line of Jesus himself.
They weren't the perfect ones,
they weren't listed becausethey did everything right.
At times, I think, I thought perhaps,you know, like Noah is the most
perfect person that walked the planetat that time, but it was his faith.
(10:42):
So God saw him through the lensesof his faith and could describe
him as a man after my heart.
It wasn't based on his actions,but I love that their actions and
their behaviors are listed for us.
I'm glad that we can read it so we cansee that all these great saints that
(11:04):
have gone before were just like us.
I
sometimes, I wanna say worse than,but then that's that whole thing.
But I haven't murdered anybody.
I haven't raped anybody,
but I sure have done a lot of otherthings that put me on the same playing
(11:25):
field, but I harmed people off.
Beat somebody up.
That's an obvious, yeah.
That harms people murder.
Yeah.
That would be harming people.
I lost a lot of time with my kidsbecause I was drinking and drunk.
(11:48):
I harmed my kids.
That's harm.
I harmed myself, family,people I cared about.
There's so many differentways of harming people.
Some that land you behind bars,others that are the bars in your own
head because you live with the ideaand the memories and the thoughts.
(12:11):
I hurt people though I'm not worthy.
I'm so ashamed of how I treated people.
I didn't help when I could have helped.
Maybe I mocked or belittled.
Maybe I left, you know, didn'tinclude somebody because you're
not good enough to sit with me.
There's a million ways that we can harm.
(12:31):
Sometimes we may notknow how deeply we do.
Other times it's full on intentbecause we, we didn't care.
I know in my substance use, Iknow for a fact I caused a lot
of harm to myself, primarily, andthen to my kids, not physically.
(12:52):
They were always provided for, we alwaysfigured out, I managed to keep a roof
over their head through a number of ways,
but time away not beingpresent like I should have.
Those are things thatsit on me, those gut me.
If I let those emotions go, I'm sittingsobbing because the last people on
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earth I'd wanna hurt were the sixkids who were everything to me.
My most precious treasures here on earthdoesn't change the fact that I hurt them,
but so did they.
Kane first murder.
He killed his brother because hegot jealous because his brother
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chose to do the right thing.
And Kane kind of like, ohyeah, I gotta sacrifice.
Oh yeah, those are good enough.
We'll throw those up there.
While his brother chose the best to offer,and Kane couldn't deal with it, so I'll
take care of that and killed his brother.
David's back on the list again.
He certainly hurt people.
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I would say raping somebody and thenmurdering a husband is causing some harm.
But look at the harm he did to hisfaith, to his people, to his position.
What about his men in battle thathe should have been out there with
leading while he's lolly, gagging,and traipsing around the city
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there, he caused all kinds of harm.
Peter and Judas.
I'm gonna take those two together.
You're gonna see Judas showup again because he's that
little wild card on the list.
Peter and Judas both betrayed Jesus.
Peter, through denying him three timesduring his trial, three times over and
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over, louder each time getting moreand more angry that somebody would
dare try to say, you know that man,and Peter, because he is so afraid.
I don't want this to happen to me.
Nope, don't know him.
I don't know him at all.
Once, twice, three times.
And the third time we know that RoosterCrow, just like Jesus said it would.
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What do you think Peter thought?
Because Jesus was walking up those stairsat the same time and caught his eye
during the third time of denying him.
Can you imagine looking Godin the face, as you're saying?
I don't even know that man.
And then he looks at you as heis on his way to die for you.
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Oh, and then there's Judas, A disciple,loved by Jesus with him everywhere, just
celebrated the Lord's supper with him.
Jesus served Judas tooat that Lord's supper.
Judas got up and left.
Why?
Because he had to sell Jesusfor 30 pieces of silver.
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He also betrayed Jesus.
Both of them had therealization of what they did.
The difference between these two.
Peter ran closer to God.
Judas went further because hismind never grasped the concept that
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he could continue to go closer.
Paul.
Paul, we read his words in theNew Testament all the time.
So many of them written from prison.
We hold Paul up as justthis amazing man of God.
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But before he was Paul.
Oh, he was Saul.
And Saul had a job because he was oneof the educated religious leaders.
He killed people that followed Jesus.
He persecuted them.
He rounded 'em up and threw 'em in jail.
That's what he did, and he was good at it.
Christians feared this man.
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They feared him.
So what do you think he had todeal with after his conversion?
So now he's being sent to minister to andlive with the very people he used to kill.
Do you think he didn't feel someguilt and shame over what he had done?
He had blood on hishands, Paul, but these are
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for the most part, saints.
But I ran from God.
What is running from God?
I ran for a long time.
I've always known God.
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I was brought up in a super, super,super conservative church Bible.
I, I know the Bible 'cause drilled inevery single day, seven days a week,
and catechism and church twice on Sundayand Bible studies and Sunday school.
And I was at every single onebecause there wasn't another option.
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But I didn't know God.
I didn't have a relationship with God.
And when the hard stuff was in life, Ididn't know that God was there to love me.
I ran in fear because it'sGod, he's gonna punish me.
I'm gonna go to Hell.
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Well, I don't wanna go to Hell and I loveGod, but I didn't know God and I'm not
good enough and I can't get it right.
And alcohol makes it feel a lot better.
So I'm gonna drink morealcohol and get further away.
And then alcohol causes this,and causes this and causes this.
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And I kept running.
I kept running from the very thing thatwould've been my comfort, the one thing
that would've helped make things better.
And I went further and furtherand further and further from it.
Because fear first.
And right on its heels with shame.
And they kept pushing me away, pushing mefurther away because I'm so not deserving.
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I'm not deserving, I'm notworthy, I'm not capable.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
There's a million things thatpush us further and further and
further from the one that we shouldbe coming closer and closer to.
But so did these people in the Bible,Adam and Eve, they hid, that's running
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that recognition hits.
They knew what they'd just done.
They knew the decision they had, and Idon't think there was this gradual change
in their life and in their mindset.
Like they went from living in thisperfect place and everything is amazing.
All their needs are met in the mostbeautiful place we could possibly imagine.
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But that wasn't good enough becauseyou know, we gotta have more.
That's how humans are.
So they got more, they got allthe emotions, except it wasn't
all happy and joyful anymore.
I wonder what it was like to feelshame for the first time, something
you've never felt before, andthen to be overwhelmed with it.
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To the point where you're in this gardenin desperation, trying to hide from
God, who you used to walk with daily.
No shame.
They were like tryingto cover themselves up.
'cause God can't see us naked.
Well, he made you, he kindof knows what you look like.
You weren't ashamed about it before.
You are now.
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Because the knowledge, the knowledgeof who you really are in your core.
Hit home for them and reality, I'm sure.
It was a horrible thing thatthey had to get through.
Moses again, you know, greatMoses leading the people.
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You know, the 40 year journeythat shouldn't have taken
40 years, but it needed to.
That one that Moses,
he was called by God and Moses knewit, but he always, always, always
had a reason why he couldn't.
I have a stammer.
I don't speak well, lala, la, la, la, la, la.
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Well, then Moses saw oneof his fellow countrymen.
Moses, of course is, was raised bythe king's daughter, so we kind of
had this special position, but allhis countrymen were still there.
They were slaves though.
Saw some being mistreated.
So he murdered the manwho was mistreating him.
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He hightailed it out of there.
His faith, his confidence in Goddidn't trust that God could handle it.
So he is like, I'm gonna handle it.
I'm gonna murder him.
And, oh shoot, bad choice.
Not good.
So he ran.
Can't outrun God though, Jonah.
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We know the story of Jonah and youknow the cute thing, and in Sunday
school you got the fish and the littleJonah sitting inside the stomach,
you know, the smile on there, justwaiting to get spit up on the shore.
That all happened because he wasrunning, because he didn't wanna
go where God said he needed to go.
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He didn't wanna go to Nineveh.
I'm not going.
So he went everywherebut ends up on a ship.
Remember that he's on a ship.
Horrible storm.
Noah Un or Jonah understandsit's because of me.
It's me.
It's because you have me on this boat.
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I'm the reason for all of this.
You need to throw me overboard.
So they did and things count.
But do we forget wherethey were at that time?
Do we really think Noahcould have swam shore?
Was that possible?
Again, another thing that I sat with,I'm like, oh, something had to save 'em.
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I don't think they had life jackets.
I don't think there was alifeguard on duty at that point.
There's nobody on a jet skiwaiting to go pick him up.
There wasn't another boat rightthere that was gonna scoop him up.
No, this is Jonah bobbingaround on the water out there.
Suddenly this horrible thingof getting swallowed by a fish.
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'cause I'm telling you, I'd think Iwould just choose to die right then and
there at the whole thought of that thing.
I mean, whoa.
And then to be in therefor three days, ugh.
But he would've died.
He wasn't gonna swim back to shore.
That horrible place was what saved him.
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Just like the trials inlife are often what save us.
So Jonah found himself, whoop,got a ride right up to shore.
I'm sure he smelled great.
His skin was all weirdly colored.
But it's what happens when you'resloshing around in some fish's dinner.
You know?
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I'm just like, I'm like everything in me.
I'm like, Ugh, talk about PTSD.
I'd never be okay, but, butit's what God used to save him.
But it was because he was running Judas.
He also ran, but he didn'trun back towards God ever.
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He continued in the knowledge of whathe had done, and he never did understand
that he was worthy because of Jesus.
Isn't it obvious that God deliberatelychose men and women that the culture
overlooks and exploits and abuses,chose those nobodies to expose the
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hollow pretensions of the somebodies?
The shame that we've talked about,for the most part has been shame
over actions that people chose
and then we get to, but if you knewwhat happened to me, if you knew
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what happened when I was a child.
We live in a culture that oftenmakes victims of something done
to them bear the shame of it.
That's another kind of shame andone of the cruelest kind where the
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victim is made to carry the shame
that happens all the time.
Ask a woman who's been raped,
shame is one of the primarythings that she feels.
Why?
Why does she feel the shame?
Ask a child that was molested,how they feel as an adult
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over action, somebody took againstthem and violated every line and
boundary there is and harmed a child.
How do they usually feel as an adult?
And I can tell you fromexperience at shame.
I bore the shame of it.
Something really wrong with me.
I was naughty, I was bad, I was worthless.
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I was this, I was that.
Because those things, thosedon't happen to good people.
Must have been a really bad kid.
That's why it happened to me.
'cause I was bad.
And then it got backed up witha, well, you know, God knew that
you needed refining so that'swhat he had happened to you.
'cause that's what was told to me, whichwas the cruelest thing you could say to
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somebody because that is not the case.
But it doesn't change the fact thatmany, many, many people carry shame.
That is not their shame to carry.
The shame is on the one whocaused the action against them.
So I'm pleading with church.
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If you know people in thatsituation love them harder.
Tell them they don'thave to carry that shame.
That is not shameful tosay what happened to you.
I didn't talk about ituntil a couple years ago.
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That was the one thing I never shared.
I was never gonna talkabout that one ever.
It's the most shameful thing.
That's what my head said.
The most shameful thing.
I was a kid.
I was a kid, and here I am in myfifties feeling shame over actions that
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were done to me when I was a child.
That's awful shame to carry.
I speak with women who've experiencedsexual assault and the shame breaks my
heart into a million pieces because it'snot their shame to carry, but they do.
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They understood Tamar, old Testament,Tamar's half brother called her
over, wanted some food, okay?
She brought it to him and he raped her.
And in that culture that madeher worthless, she would never be
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married, could likely be the onedying because of what happened to her.
That's just the way they did things.
Then
she lived in shame forthe rest of her life
in torn clothing and dust on her head.
It's what she did every day, wearingthe shame of an action done to her.
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Noah,
I'm sure he woke up with ahangover and then had to sit in
the shame of what had happened.
Because you know, peopletold him what happened
lot.
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I can imagine there's shame as he looksat this newborn, tiny baby that his
daughter just had and it's his child.
You think there's no shame there.
Every day,
I'd imagine there was a lot.
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How about this woman?
She was outright caughtin the middle of the act.
I don't think when they dragged her outto make a spectacle of her, they allowed
her to dress or have any sort of modestywhatsoever as they hauled her out in
public and threw her at the feet ofJesus in the middle of a crowded people.
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To make an example of her,I'm sure they already had the
rocks in hand to throw at her.
Do you think she didn't feel shame?
I don't know what causedher to be in that position.
In those days and times.
There's a number of things, achoice, possibly desperation.
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That was usually the choice.
It wasn't super easy to be a woman incertain cultures, but hers, she didn't
have the luxury of a private she,she was dragged out on full display.
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In the middle of everybody adulterer.
I'm sure she sh sawrocks in people's hands.
She knew the penalties.
I'm sure there's fear, but when I putmyself in her place, it shame that
I think would override everything.
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The utter shame of what I'mexperiencing, they understood.
But all of them are loved by God.
All of them.
Jesus loved this woman thatwas caught in adultery.
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He loved her.
He didn't shame her.
He didn't accuse her.
He didn't further traumatize her.
Humans do that.
That makes it quite clear thatnone of you can get by with
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blowing your own horn before God.
Everything that we have, rightthinking and right living a clean
slate and a fresh start comesfrom God by way of Jesus Christ.
And that's why we have thesaying, if you're gonna blow a
horn, blow a trumpet for God.
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My favorite picture, you'll probablysee this for a while, sorry, not sorry.
There's something powerful inthis photo for me, so I use it.
But those words,
I paid the cost of your shame.
He paid the cost of mine
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because I love you.
There is nothing else that wouldmake somebody pay that price.
Nothing.
You don't do this forsomebody you're angry with.
You don't do it for somebodyyou're frustrated with.
You don't do it for people thatyou see as worthless and unworthy.
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You don't do what he didbecause you weren't worth it.
He didn't do what he did becausethere were things you've done
that he doesn't know about.
So you made the list.
Doesn't work that way.
Fully aware.
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Because he was there
in every single thing.
He was there, it's all known.
Nothing was a surprise.
And he knows all the stupid thingsI'm gonna do before my time here
comes to an end and he stillsays, man, I love you, Heidi.
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I'm doing this for you.
And the shame, do we think Jesusdidn't experience shameful things.
He didn't do things worthy ofshame, but he suffered things
that were meant to be shameful.
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His death being on the cross,
it was considered one of the mostshameful ways to be put to death
because it represented rejection,rejection, both from earth.
In rejection from heaven,you're like hanging in between.
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You're not on earth, butyou're not in heaven.
You're dying, hanging in the airpublicly, gruesomely horribly over a
prolonged period of time, mock ridiculedyour crimes, posted for all the world
to see above your head, and you thinkthat's not a shameful way to die.
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I don't know what makessomebody love me that much.
I don't.
But to say you're worth it.
He says it every day to every one of you.
He's like, I did that for you.
So you don't have to live with the shame.
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He knows what you've done and ifyou chose it willingly, he knew
that and still said yes to this
things that were done to you.
He was there too.
I struggled with that onefor a very, very long time.
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'cause I'm like, God, youcould have stopped it.
It didn't have to happen becauseyou could have stopped it.
It's like, yeah.
He goes, this is sin.
This is his fallen world welive in and things are allowed.
You do not understandit now, but you will.
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And now I do.
Now I do.
Well, I can pray.
Please God.
Don't ever.
Let that happen again,that experience as a child.
But please don't ever, ever, everlet me fall back into my drinking.
Don't let me ever fallback into my addiction.
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Don't let me fall back into running.
Just please don't ask me to do that again.
Because the lessons learned in those timesare precious, and I'm grateful for them.
But wow,
they're hard and they're heavy,and he knows that he didn't ask
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you to get through it on your own.
He says, I'm right here.
You just keep looking at me and watchwhat I'm gonna make this become.
I'm gonna take something that wasmeant for evil for you, and I'm gonna
make something beautiful from it.
My father, God grieved in mygreatest pain and hurt grief.
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He didn't celebrate it.
He wasn't saying, oh yeah,good, worthless, naughty kid.
Maybe this'll straighten her out.
That was an agony to God because Godis love, and love is not something
that would choose deliberateharm, especially to a child.
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We know what God thinks of childrenand how he feels about 'em.
For anyone here who struggleswith shame, we can sit in recovery
if you're like me at all, and I canbring to mind so often, and I don't have
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my alcohol anymore to numb this, but Ithink over my life so often I can think
of times, events, people, places, things.
All the things I did that I de, it'slike, oh, if I could go back and.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
That wouldn't happen.
I can do that endlessly and I can sitand think about the ramifications of
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what it caused, of how things would bedifferent if I wouldn't have done that.
I feel such shame sometimes, but I feelthat because I look back at it from
where I am now with an understandingand a knowledge that I have, now I
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understand why I carried such shame.
It's 'cause I didn't lean into God yet.
I didn't truly understand love like that.
I'd never had a healthy relationship.
You think I had one with God?
I didn't know what ahealthy relationship was.
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I'm like, well, it's good enough.
I guess this is what I'm getting.
I didn't know I wasworthy of more than that.
And it's not a selfishthing to feel that way.
It's not a bad thing to know yourworth, to know your value, even with
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every choice you've ever made in life.
That's where we get hung up.
I think it's pretty easy.
It's like, well, I serve people andI like to feed people and I try to
be nice, um, to people and smileat people and give compliments
so, you know, ah, I'm not so bad.
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It gets sticky though.
When you remember.
When you remember.
It's one of the worstthings I think about people.
With addiction
because as we're trying to fightthat addiction to remain in
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our sobriety and our recovery,
we get to deal with all those thoughtsand emotions without the tool that we
use before to take us away from that.
It's not fun to sit with those things.
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If you feel shame over things thatyou chose to do, just tell God.
Say, God,
you were there so you already know whatI'm gonna tell you, but I did this.
Thank you for covering that.
Thank you for loving me so muchthat you took care of that.
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Thank you.
And for those of you that feel thatother shame over things done to you, I
am pleading with you to lean into Godwho never judged you, who only sat there
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holding you and saying, I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Let it go.
It's not yours.
It was never your shame.
The one I hate, Satan, that's him talking.
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I hate him for that becauseof the destruction of it.
I am coming to believe that shameis more likely to take you off your
recovery game than any other emotion.
The shame of being known, the shameof people, knowing your real thoughts,
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your real actions, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, all this stuff,
the literal just being fully known.
And that can make it really hardto come closer to God too, because
who knows you more than that?
And when those human emotions arecovering everything, it's hard to
understand that God doesn't see youthe same way you're seeing yourself.
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Because I think sometimes wemistakenly think that, well, if we
can see it, imagine what he sees.
And you're right, he sees it all, buthe sees it through the lens of this one.
Those words again, it is finished.
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Why do we not let it be finished?
Why?
We said it last time, whatdoes it is finished mean?
Was it?
It's finished.
For some of it.
I covered 75% of the sin.
You guys are responsiblefor the remaining 25%.
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That wouldn't work.
It's impossible.
Well, I'll die for you now, but if youscrew up again, you're off the boat.
Done.
I didn't die for you, then thatdoesn't work that way either.
He doesn't do things part way.
It's kind of a go bigor go home, kind of God.
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It's the way he is.
It's all or nothing.
But in the best way,
it's not difficult toreceive what he's giving.
We just have to take it.
But the hardest part about that for someof us, and I'm assuming, I'm assuming I'm
not the only one, was because I felt soutterly unworthy because I knew myself.
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That's the fall at work in me.
I suddenly knew myself andit wasn't in a good way.
It's understanding just how horribleI've been, just how awful my thoughts
can be, of how selfish I can beand wanting, depends on the day.
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It can be different things,
but please
leave the shame those storiesin the Bible that I said before.
I love that when I read it.
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I don't try to pretty up, Idon't call David an adulterer.
I won't.
It angers me to see that word becausehe was a murderer and a rapist.
Say what it really is becauseit makes his story better.
It makes it more beautiful.
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Tell it in its rawnessand in its full nature.
Tell it that way because I'mtelling you, when you hear that
from somebody, you're like, I can'teven believe it because look at you.
That's the beautiful thing.
That's what makes people want Jesus.
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Why are we watering it down?
I've had watered down Jesus my entirelife and I recognize that now we prettied
up the words because we're in church andwe don't wanna say dirty words like sex.
Assault, sexual abuse,pedophilia, rape, molestation.
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Why don't we call thingswhat they really are.
They are ugly words.
Lying, cheating, stealing,luting, all of it.
Ugly words, but say it what it is.
Don't make some pretty little polishedup thing because the beauty is in
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the ugliness being made beautiful.
What God can do with thatis marvelous and freeing.
That was a hard thing to grasp.
It's not fun to tellyour story in rawness.
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The first time I did it, I was like, Ican't believe I'm saying this out loud.
I expected people to start walking out.
I expect people, they were gonnacome up to me and gimme an earful.
I expected awful things tohappen because boy, I said some
things that were really ugly.
Things that I'd never heardopenly talked about in church.
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You know what that caused?
I thought I was the only onethat had that happen to me.
'cause nobody ever talked about it.
It's why we walk around in shame.
We are the church and it's the placewhere shame shouldn't be and we should
never allow people to feel it andwe should never be the cause of it
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without intending.
Sometimes I think we can justheat more shame on people and we
need to be so careful of that.
He took care of all of it.
Don't be ashamed of your story becauseit's the journey that God used.
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There's a lot of not prettystories in the Bible.
Why do you think yourshas to be pretty to share?
My favorite are the real ones.
You can tell me anything, anythingat all, and I will not change my
mind about how I feel about you,and you can test me on that one.
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I will not be shocked andI will not be disgusted.
I will not be appalled.
I will be none of those things.
I will feel honored that youallowed me into that space to trust
somebody that much with the junk.
But remember, there are only peoplebecause the only one that matters.
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Already knows and already took care of it.
So we're worried about peopleand their little thoughts.
I worry about that too much.
If people knew I'm gonna challengeyou, let them, let them know.
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Share your story fully, all of it,
especially with the ones thatmay wanna be coming at you.
I had no idea that'skind of your best weapon.
People using my past against me.
And I've had people do it eager to pointout things that they knew or found out
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or heard, and I'm like, that's great, butI didn't think you got the whole story.
Let me tell you the whole story.
At which point they're feeling like afool because now I am openly talking
about topics they don't wanna talk about.
I don't wanna hear it.
Love.
I'm like, no, let me tell you because wow.
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Look at where I am.
Look where he brought me.
And if you can't see the miracle
of my life,
I'm sorry for you.
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Because in my sharing, all I want to dois let people know our God is that big.
He's that big.
For every single one of you in here, nomatter what you've done, no matter how
long you've been away, you don't haveto be a devout Christian follower and
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do all the things right for X amountof time to be admitted into heaven.
The thief on the cross is proof of that.
Didn't do a good thing a day in his life.
Didn't know God a day in his life untilhe's about to take his last breath.
And that day he metJesus and went to heaven.
That's my God.
That's my God.
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So don't let anybodytell you, you're too far.
You're too this.
You're not doing this right.
I'm gonna call it what it is.
It's crap.
Yeah.
I said it in church.
It's crap.
I don't want to sellyou a watered down God.
I wanna sell you a God, not sell you.
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I want to show you
the non watered down realness of God.
I know.
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The more I do this, the more I'mrealizing how water down he's
become and it's done nothing butcause people more harm and hurt.
Christians sitting here going tochurch every day because to them,
churches become a building or adenomination or the name above the door.
And that becomes moreimportant than anything else.
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A label or a title.
You wear Christian like anoun, but it's not a verb.
So Christians are silent and they'requiet, but they're very nice.
How was your day?
Oh good.
Did your kids have a good time in schooland, oh, did you go to the thing and,
oh, Bible study was wonderful and,oh, did you sign up for adult group?
Yeah.
Oh, it's so good.
I'm so blessed.
(52:53):
That's about as deep as itgets in most churches surface.
We don't live a surface life.
We don't.
Why doesn't.
Gathering to do church,which isn't a building.
It is not a building.
(53:15):
It is not a denomination.
It's not a place, it's us.
Why did church become that way?
I start to realize how deep Satan's gotteninto church, does his best work there?
(53:45):
The church is whereyou go with everything,
and we should be the most understanding,compassionate, loving humans on the planet
because we know what was done for us.
But we don't do that.
(54:06):
For other people, we live themfeeling too ashamed to talk about it.
Oh yeah.
We don't do recovery servicesin the church because, you know,
oh, they do that over there.
We keep it cleaner over here.
I had one church say it, uh, it costs ustoo much money to have a ministry in that.
And I'm like,
(54:29):
what?
It costs you too much money.
Really.
What is your churchthen is just a building.
And that's empty and that's meaningless.
Should never be about a cost.
(54:51):
There's more than enough for everybody.
It should never be a place whereyou feel you're not good enough, or
you have to clean up a certain way,or look a certain way, or know it
all, or even know the Bible at all.
You don't to go to church becausechurch is simply a gathering of
(55:12):
people who are the church whoare coming together to talk about
the one who changed everything.
It's community, it's support.
It's what keeps us going.
It's what keeps the love going.
It's together.
(55:33):
We can make amazing things happen.
I see that here all the time.
The people that come heremake amazing things happen.
Bat's, church, what happens hereon six days outside of Sunday?
That's church.
That's more church than anythingI've ever seen in my life.
Church isn't Sunday listeningto one person standing up here
(55:57):
telling you how to live your life.
It's not church.
My whole drive for even being up hereis to see people free from the crap
that keeps you stuck in fear and shameand worthlessness, because that's
not what you are, are a treasure.
(56:20):
You are capable, you are loved,and you have a calling on your
life, every single one of you.
And if you don't believe me, justcome talk to you because I promise
you, if you are here, you're aliveand you're breathing, you have a
calling on your life by God himself.
Say yes to that when youunderstand what it is.
(56:41):
But buckle up, it gets a little crazy.
But in all the fun kind of ways,
I pray
that shame doesn't takeyou outta the game.
That shame doesn't keep you separated.
And I'm talking about the kind ofseparated that happens even when
(57:01):
you're surrounded by people, thekind of shame that makes you feel
like you can't be known fully.
I'll share fully everything aboutmy life, all the ugly, icky, dirty
parts of my life, and I will talkabout it openly because holy hell,
(57:25):
every day is more awareness ofwhat redemption and mercy, and
grace and above all love is.
I haven't lived a life this free of shame
(57:46):
in 55 years.
I think even as a child, shame was just anormal part of my life and it was awful.
And it keeps you from thatamazing relationship with God.
It's how I can hold my head up inspite of, because I have nothing to be
(58:08):
ashamed of because he took care of it.
And I'm not gonna look at himand say, it wasn't enough.
I have to carry this part.
You don't have to carryany of it, none of it.
Because he was capable todo it all, every bit of it.
So please just let him have it.
(58:30):
He's been trying to take itlike, okay, not ready yet.
You wanna give it to me?
Give it to me.
Just please give it to me.
He's got a calling on your life.
Shame isn't part of your calling.
Fear's not a part of your calling.
None of it.
(58:51):
You just say yes and just say thank you.
And then the hard partand then receive it.
Hmm.
I can say all the words too,
but to really do it, to really receiveit, that's a huge step of faith.
(59:14):
If you wanna find out what faith is,receive it fully and don't go back
and pick up what you left with them.
That can be hard to do.
I often have to return some shame.
It's like, sorry, put that right there.
Brought that one home with me.
(59:34):
He will take it back as many timesand he's gonna keep saying, it's like,
you don't have to bring that home.
You can don't have to bring it home.
Really Not even sure whatyou're picking up there.
'cause I don't see that anymore.
So if God doesn't see it, stoplooking for it because it isn't there.
(01:00:01):
I thank all of you for coming today.
I hope that something thatwas shared, spoke to you.
It is always my prayer that Godwill know the needs in here,
but I am pleading with you.
Just take the time before you leavetoday or at any point when you're
(01:00:22):
ready, and hand the shame to him.
It takes many different forms, butyou don't have to leave here with it.
You don't.
It can be truly that easy just tosay, I'm not living that way anymore.
I'm not claiming it.
I'm not living in shame anymore.
I'm not gonna feel this wayanymore because I'm not gonna
(01:00:42):
take away from what he's done.
I'm not going to show the worldby wearing my shame that Jesus
didn't quite cover it all.
'cause I still have tohave this part of it.
We're humans and we all doit, but we don't have to.
So please, please just leave it here.
(01:01:06):
So thank you.
Thank you.
We'll be singing now so I knoweventually, I know I got words for days,
but I appreciate you all being here.
Shame has been a, a bigone to sit in this week.
(01:01:26):
It's been good for me.
I realized I had a lot that I still hadto hand over 'cause boy it digs in deep.
I know how deep the shamedoes, but I. Leave it here.
I'm gonna set mine empty, my pockets,and I'm gonna put it right there.
Leave it there.
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