Borderlands (2024) - S12 E94 - Shoot The Hostage

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome to Shoot a Hostage with me, Dan, and my partner, Sarah. We're a movie podcast who talks about a different film each week based on a theme. We do swear and we do spoil the featured movie. So, only ever listen if you've seen the film or you don't care too much about spoilers. If you're a regular listener, you can just skip forward until you hear the intro music cuz you've heard all of this before. But if you are new to the show and you do enjoy what you hear, there are a couple of things you can do to help support the show. Firstly, make sure that you're subscribed on podcast player so you get notified when new shows drop on Mondays. Uh you could rate us five stars on Spotify, which couldn't be easier. You just hit the star icon below the show's artwork. Or if you have a spare few minutes, we'd love it if you could submit a review wherever you listen. Uh make sure you come follow us at ST_Pod on social media. We are active on Instagram, threads, and Tik Tok. And lastly, the biggest thing you can do to help is tell a friend about the show. So that's about it. That's enough preamble from me. Uh over to me and Sarah for this week's episode. Do

(00:01):
you know what, Sarah? I wasn't expecting to be watching Borderlands again so soon. um or ever to be honest and I'm blaming you for it.
That's fair.
I will take the L on this one.
Take the L.
Mhm.
Take it. I'm forcing the L upon you whether you take it or not. So you
I'm taking it. I'm taking it. I'll go home with it. I'll ruminate. I'll go think about what I've done.
Yeah. The plus side is I didn't have to pay for a rental this week.
That's true.
Two weeks on a bounce where I had to rent Warcraft and then until one.
Yeah,
this one was free. If you're already paying Jeff money every month,
it was free and it was still somehow too expensive.
Yes. And it's the second time we've seen it.
I know. I'm so sorry.
We could have been watching the other Borderlands, the horror movie Borderlands.
Um, yeah, we could have done.
It's not a video game movie.
Also known as The Final Prayer in the States, I believe.
Different name, is it?
Okay. Was that to avoid confusion with Borderlands? 2024, do you think?

(00:22):
What a film that came out a decade later. Yeah, that was definitely definitely why.
All right, smarty pants. When did the f****** game come out?
I don't remember.
2009.
There you go.
God, is it that old?
Yeah, apparently the original one. I don't know much about the games. I'm going to be leaning more on you for that
as a fan of the games franchise, but I've looked uh I looked up the year and that's pretty much it. Some of the characters
and some of the like how the characters look so I could compare the cast in the movie to how the characters look in the game.
So, you can get a bigger laugh from the casting of Kevin Hart is what you're saying.
Yeah.
As Roland.
Mhm.
Roland. Get that reference. You're too old like me.
Um, yeah. So, it's our second uh Jack Black movie, I believe.
Oh, are you including Mars Attacks?
He's in that. This is our third Jack Black movie.
Oh, what else?
Waterorld. Oh my god. He's been in some stinkers, hasn't he?
He has. Yeah,
he put Borderlands one year, Minecraft the next. One did significantly better than the other.

(00:43):
I haven't seen Minecraft, so I feel like I'm not in a place to judge it.
No, me either. I have zero interest.
It does look like dog s***, though.
Yeah. Well, it's for children. It's a kids movie.
Yeah, but it doesn't mean it can't be entertaining and fun.
True.
Like this movie could have been.
Could have been.
Could have been,
but isn't.
But isn't Do you know that this is our first Kevin Hart movie?
Thank God. Can it be our last?
Yeah. I Let's sign the agreement right now. Let's put it in writing.
I will do my name in blood.
Yeah.
And seal this
and I'll just use a pen.
Okay.
But you could do what you like.
Sure. Has he ever been in a good movie?
Answer to your question without doing any research.

(01:04):
Is it just an educated guess of no?
No.
Name one.
There must be one. on
name it then
I can't
well I mean I sort of know him primarily from generic comedy
Jamanji
Jumanji
there you go
yeah there you go
that one was all right
you're right
also starring Jack Black
also with Jack Black
he gets about a bit doesn't he
so when Kevin Hart is in a film with Jack Black sometimes it's okay
yeah and
sometimes it's Borderlands which is a movie so offensive that uh I don't know where I was going with that,
but it's really offensive to be watching it that it make you do something quite severe.
I really really really hope that this is the nail in the coffin of Eli Roth's career.

(01:25):
You don't like Eli Roth?
I hate Eli Roth.
I I I've never met anyone that has such a dislike for Eli Roth. I don't I'm not a big fan of his movies. They're not for me at all. I don't know if there's one that I've even liked. off the top of my head.
H
frustratingly, I like a couple of movies that he's been in, even though he's been he's a terrible actor,
but I have enjoyed a couple movies that he's been in.
In Glorious Bastards,
good movie.
Good mo Yeah.
Death Proof.
That's a movie.
Also a movie. Look, I you know, I'll go to bat for that film. I I know it's deeply unpopular.
It's everybody's least favorite QT movie, and yet I love it. Your favorite QT movie probably, isn't it?
Get out.
No, that's Jordan Peele.
This podcast is over. This episode and this entire thing. Let's pack up. We're not even going to make it to 100.
Wow.
We're at 94. We're going to
This is where you draw the line.
We're going to draw draw a line and pack it in at an even 94.
Just because I like Death Pro.

(01:46):
Yeah.
It's a It's a good movie.
Yeah.
I will die on that hill. I like it. You know what I don't like though?
Is it Borderlands?
Mhm.
So, you're you're a big fan of the games. The original one came out in 2009. There are a couple of sequels, I guess. Three. Are there three or four main games? And then a
a side side mission quest.
Plethora. So, there's Borderlands, there's Borderlands 2,
there's Borderlands the pre-sequel,
there's Borderlands 3, there's Tiny Tina's Wonderland, and it's just a metric. f*** ton of DLC content. Does the C in DLC stand for content?
What does the DL stand for?
Huh?
What does the D and the L stand for?
Downloadable, isn't it?
I don't know. That's why I'm asking.
Download, isn't it downloadable content?
I did. I just say downloadable content. Content like when people say ATM machine. I've just exposed myself as a moron, I think.
DLC content. Yeah, probably.
Yeah, a bunch of those like Mad Mox. Thunderdome, uh, some other stuff. Zombie, Dr. Ned's zombie island, something or other. Fun fun. Some of them were better than others, but yeah, just just a veritable smog board of Borderlands content.
So, plenty of stuff for them to choose from. Plenty of lore to dig into, and I think we can all agree that what they settled upon was the best case scenario.

(02:07):
Now, in um in as early as 2011,
Gearbox Software, who who also did Juke Nukem, HalfLife.
Halfife. Yeah.
Games that I've never played. Oh, I maybe I played a demo of Juke Nukem back in the day, but they as early as 2011, they had their first conversation about a movie adaptation with Arad Productions and Gearbox had planned to start a Borderlands cinematic universe. Of course, they did. It was that I mean, it was that time, wasn't it?
Marvel's doing it.
Let's all s*** out a cinematic universe.
Okay.
So, in development for a long long long time. Fast forward another four years. In May of 2015, Lee Wil uh was in talks to write and direct.
Oh, what?
I was going to ask you how you felt about that.
Oh, better than Eli Roth. I don't know. I've lost a little bit of faith in Leewanel after the Wolfman was so underwhelming.
I think it was a bad movie. I think I thought Wolf Man was okay. Pretty pretty disappointing cuz I was expecting
it was the cinematic equivalent of a shrug.
Yeah. Which is which was frustrating. after the last couple upgrade invisible man absolute bangers.
So yeah, it was a bit of a let down, but I agree. I think a Lee Wel version of Borderlands might have suited the little that I know about the game. Might have suited that vibe a bit more.
So they were leaning towards horror directors kind of from the start then.
I guess so.
That's interesting that they ended up going with a PG-13 rating then.
Well, it's not a horror game, is it? It's more of an action game.
It's not a horror game. No, but it's very gory. Yeah, sure. Maybe well that's why they were sort of thinking about horror directors then to get the gore. Maybe a director that we spoke about last week like a Samberg like to get the visual element might have been more um I don't know. But then I suppose Roth has got a lot of movies where gore factor in a lot. Your host and your cabin fe
and your Thanksgivings. Yeah, I suppose you're right. That's kind of what he's known for.

(02:28):
When you strip his movies of the gore, this is what you're left with sadly.
Yeah. Yeah, you're so right. You're so right. So May 2015, Lee Wel was in talks. August 2015, the film gets officially announced, but Lee Winnell was not mentioned at all in the uh the marketing material. So just quietly disappeared. I can only imagine that there was a difference of opinion there. I reckon it was the PG-13 thing. If I'm going to speculate, uh they obviously wanted it to have more of a broad appeal so people could see it with their kids and and get get more money into the pot, which didn't work,
which is so dumb because the game are all 18 certificates.
Yeah.
So, I can only assume what goes through these these people's heads
is money. Money is money.
Well, yeah. Obviously, I I I don't doubt that they're just seeing nothing but dollar signs and they want it to appeal to the broadest set of people possible. But did they not for a second sit back and think, "Ah, there's a huge fan base of these games and if we don't make the film true to the games, perhaps we're going to alienate that audience somewhat."
Yeah. I know it's silly and I think I feel like we have this we've had this conversation a lot in this season and we'll continue to have it. You're adapting a game. There's a built-in audience already. You need to please those people.
Yeah. I mean, it's not like you have to do exactly the thing that the game does. You you can adapt it, but
what's the point of adapting something that's completely different? You need to, I think, at least please the core audience and not with cheap Easter eggs, but in a more contextual way, I guess,
substantial way,
a more substantial boy. Yeah. So, get Eli Roth.
Yeah. He's the man apparently.
You can't get Lee Manil.
Get Eli Roth. So, by 2020, Eli Roth was on board with a script by uh Craig Maine, who is known for
Oh, yeah. Last of Us,
The Last of Us and Chernobyl, but also has other credit. Scary Movie 3 and four I read today.
Uh superhero movie. Also hangovers two and three. So, the worst Hangover movies.
So, it's a mixed bag.
I can see why when whenever anybody talks about Craig Mason, they reference Chernobyl and The Last of Us and that's it
and nothing else from visionary writer.

(02:49):
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, but yeah, obviously The Last of Us season 1 amazing and Chernobyl was pretty good as well. For someone
pretty good,
someone that doesn't watch a lot of TV shows, you you sort of forced me to sit down and watch that and yeah, it was excellent. I I can see that it was great. Um, so Roth, I don't know if you're aware of this, if in your research at all. I've done a little bit of research.
Okay.
Mostly reading Wikipedia.
Um, Eli Roth, he has said that while pitching a film, seeing his French bulldog take a s*** gave him inspiration, which would explain a lot.
I it what in how
should I explain or should we move on to
No, I need some more context.
I mean, beyond the obvious, which is, "Oh, my dog's just taken a massive s***. I'm also going to produce a massive s***."
Exactly.
But but what what did he mean?
So, basically what what I read was that he saw his his little doggy taking a big poo poo or little poo poo depending on the size of the doggy. He saw who wouldn't apparently would never let anyone watch her take a poo. Um
I mean, same.
Apparently, one time Eli Roth was like, "I'm going to sneak a look at my dog taking a poo cuz like Roth,
what the f***?
He wanted to take watch the dog do a poo poo. The dog's really shy. Doesn't usually let him watch him taking a poo poo. But when he watched the dog take a poo poo, the dog had a shy look on his face and he went, "That's Clap Trap."
I wish podcasting wasn't merely an oral medium because I wish people could see the look on my face right now in response to that story.
Yeah. I I didn't think I could hate Eli Roth more.
You didn't?

(03:10):
No. That's interesting. I've learned something new today.
I thought it was pretty funny that his inspiration was seeing a dog s*******
taking a poo. Yeah, it's um it's a strange one.
His inspiration certainly wasn't playing the games, was it?
I I don't know. You tell me. But yeah, so he apparently used that as some character uh baseline for um Crap Trap or whatever.
Do you know what he should have used as the character baseline for Clap Trap. Clap Trap.
Ah,
all of that pre-existing character work that the people who made the games had done.
Was Clap Trap quite different to the game Clap Trap then?
Clap Trap.
That's what I said.
Crap Trap.
Crap Trap.
Um, no. Actually, Clap Trap was probably one of the few things that he maybe got right.
Oh, okay.
Although my criticism is that Clap Trap, it it was always the most annoying character, which is why he worked best in short bursts.
He was more of a thing that like would accompany you for one mission and then f*** off again.
Yeah.
Wasn't there for the entire run time.
So like Redwing in Falcon.
Yeah, sure.

(03:31):
Sorry. Captain America now.
But quippier.
Yeah. More dialogue.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some dialogue.
Yeah. Not as good though.
Well,
not as funny. So Kate Blanchett joins in 2020. Shot between April and June in 2021 in Budapest. Tim Miller comes on board for two weeks of re-shoots in 2023. So like a year and a half, two years after Principal Photography, they're doing re-shoots. So a long time in post-prouction. I'm again speculating.
Was this affected by COVID then or was it just s*** and everyone was like we we're going to have to sit on this?
Well, it would have been affected by CO in a sense that it shot in 2021.
Yeah.
So there was those productions were back up and running.
Mhm.
But yeah, there would there would be a co department, put it that way, and a lot of extra money.
So a long gap between principal photography and the re-shoots, which I can only speculate is a quality control thing
that I'm imagining that they didn't get what they wanted to get. Maybe they shot more graphic and horror style stuff that they had to re-shoot or cut out or whatever. I don't really know. That just seems like a long time between posts and they'd want to get this movie out as quickly as possible.
I think they should have scrapped the whole thing and re-shot everything.
I agree. But I thought it was interesting that Tim Miller had come on board for re-shoots anyway cuz uh Eli Roth was off doing Thanksgiving at that point, which is another movie that I really like. Um
Eli Roth's only decent film.
Yeah.

(03:52):
And I say decent, not good.
Okay. No, I didn't I didn't enjoy that one. Did you know that Pen Gile was going to have a cameo in this film?
I don't care.
As a preacher,
don't give a s***. I'm sorry. I hate this film so much.
Well, you wanted to watch it.
No, I know. Cuz I just wanted to dunk on Eli Roth for lobbyed off 90 minutes. Go on. No, I didn't.
Okay. Uh, the budget was $115 million and the box office was $33 million.
Yikes. We should have covered this in flops.
We could have covered this in flops. Yeah, absolutely. So, which of the Borderlands games then, if any, does this film take inspiration from?
It's a bit curious really because on the face of it, you would think the first game, which is where we are introduced to Lilith and Roland and Clap Trap and Tannis to a lesser degree, but Tiny Tina, and Moxy on in the games until at least the second one.
So, did it do you think that it made sense to use the characters that they did?
No.
In the film, what why not? What characters would you you have used? Would you have swapped out any? I'm assuming we we sort of both disagree on the casting of a lot of these characters,
but what characters then would you have picked?
I think Lilith and Roland would have been fine. Honestly, I I would have been happier if they'd just restricted themselves to the first game because Tiny Tina much like Clap Trap is much better used intermittently,
sparingly. Yeah, she's a very annoying character in
Oh, she's incredibly annoying in the games as well. And I think it it sort of felt like they thought that would be endearing somehow, but no. Turns out no. I would have just gone with the the core four players, the four vault hunters,
and that that being
Well, the game starts and it's the four of them on the bus. obviously of the intro animation.
So, Lilith,

(04:13):
um Lilith, Roland, um Brick, and Morai.
Okay. Brick I'm not familiar with or Morai. It's the Johnny Depp movie, isn't it?
I I don't understand why they didn't go down that route.
Well, you were saying
unless Well, no. I don't know.
You were saying that Tannis is is is a bit of a spare character as well, right?
Yeah. She doesn't follow along with them on missions.
Yeah. So, it's curious that they would put her in this movie. I am as stomped as anybody else. It's
Yeah, she wouldn't she wouldn't have like gone along with everybody. It wasn't wasn't that sort of a deal.
Okay. Yeah. From what I've read or she was more of a guidance character maybe in Borderlands 2 where she just sort of went it was a science thing and maybe if you do combine these things and do this or whatever
and you would sort of return things to her and Yeah. Yeah.
Um and I think there was a mission where you had to collect
tapes cassette tapes.
Oh yeah.
And some of those would be in her voice if I remember rightly.
Okay.
Like recordings. Um
collecting the archival information. One of those computer game tropes that are so much fun.
Love it. I never skip those days.
Oh, Borderlands. I was just every every side mission.
Every side quest. I

(04:34):
Yeah,
all of them. I milked those games for all they were worth.
You milked them. I don't think that's how you're meant to play them. the side the other side characters in the film. You mentioned Mad Moxy. Was that what her name? Played by Gina Gershon.
Yeah. And the only time in cinematic history I have not been excited to see Jina Gashon.
And also um Bobby Lee plays a character called Larry. Is Larry in the game at all?
I don't think so.
Is this completely made up for the film?
Honestly, I'm not sure. Like I know the Red Lance are a thing.
The Red Lance, they were the super army soldiers that Edgar Ramirez Mhm.
Dr. Atlas or whatever his name is.
Yeah. The Atlas Corporation is a big thing in the game.
I assumed that that was lifted from the game. Yeah. It'd be a bit weird if it if it wasn't.
Yeah.
What about the Cuz from what I understand, right, in the game, I played it a tiny amount, but there's a big focus on guns and weaponry, right? And it's a shooting game. It's an action game.
That's the whole thing really. Obviously, there are various different things that you have to do and collect and whatever else, but ultimately I think for most people the fun lies in the increasingly outlandish guns. The whole thing. I think even the trailer for like the second or third game was just a guns, guns, guns.
Um because that's what it was known for,
just upgrading, finding new things. Um oh, this gun you when it's empty you lob it and it becomes a grenade. Some of that stuff was really fun. So it was odd to see them kind of to see that take a bit of a back seat.
Okay. Well, the reason I asked was because there's, like you say, it takes a back seat. It's not really a focus in the film. It feels like it's a big deal in the game and maybe is the essence of the game.
And it's hard to build a narrative around that. But I would I I I thought about it for about 5 seconds and I thought, well, just make it a satire, make it arms dealers or something, and you can just make it a st You can lean into the stupid aspects and super violent nature of it and make it like a a the Hovven kind of pastiche.
Would you like to see a Paul Vhovven version of Borderlands?
Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. I'm not invested in the games at all.

(04:55):
Mhm.
But I know that there is potential there. They obviously wanted this property to be a Guardians of the Galaxy. You're getting some well-known songs in there, some needle drops. You've got the team aspect. They really lent into that in in the marketing, I think. And it was one of the things that I really dislike about it is that It's It was sold as a fun time sort of action comedy adventure time, but it wasn't funny at all. No.
And the action wasn't very good either.
Agreed. I think kind of going back to the gun thing, the only time that ever really comes into play is um Lilith,
like some of the spinny stuff, the jewel wielding pistols.
Yeah,
was kind of cool. But that's that's what Borderlands is. They should have lent into that a little bit more. And also exploring different types of weaponry. Like obviously people play Borderlands in different ways, but I always used to quite enjoy playing it co-op with somebody who was better at sort of close contact stuff. Um cuz I really enjoy sniping and that so that was a big part of it for me, but none of that in the games.
Yeah, I think the action is probably ruined by editing. I think I think there's been probably a lot of trying to cut around some more violent stuff and that's why some of the action I've seen, look, I've seen worse, but it it wasn't very good. And like I said, for a film that's meant to lean on the action and the comedy so hard it and it failed at both. But I definitely feel like it's probably more the fault of a probably just trying to manage the property and trying to shepherd it into a p fit into a a round PG-13 hole when you've got a a violent square peg of a property. But even the even some of the really great tunes that they used, you know, the heavy Muse, Black Keys, Motorhead, Shaka Khan. Like there are some good songs in this film.
What was the the first song?
I think it was the heavy. Yeah, I think so.
Because that's directly from the game,
right? Oh, is it?
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, it fit. I like I like the I like the song very much. It's one of my favorites and it's at the start of the film, so you're not really at a point yet where you know exactly what you're watching. Get to about half an hour in and it starts dropping like Mohead. I'm sort of rolling my eyes a bit cuz I'm like, you don't deserve Mohead. No,
Lei is rolling in his grave right now
and Lemie is God as we all know.
Yes.
So, what about the vault then? The vault hunters, you said that there's core four vault hunters in the game. Is and the aim is to get weapons and get bigger weapons and shoot people or blast them into pieces.
Um, and you've got to get to a vault.
The aim is to get to the vault. Yeah.
On Pandora.

(05:16):
Mhm. Well,
or any planet,
there are different vaults, but the First game is very much on Pandora. Yes.
Okay. So, it does sort of take some inspiration from the first game. Then you've got Pandora, the planet.
The the look of the vault when they finally get into it is pretty similar as well.
Is it where it looks like nothing?
It's just a dark room.
It's very dark. Impressive. Like um fancy cave.
I really love it in movies, right? When the whole point of the film is to get to the third act and you set up this thing and it's like this super important thing that every body is looking for and it's going to promise like world universe changing technology upgrades. I think it's really cool when that is uh really labored so hard in the film and then you get to the third act and it's a dark room
with an octopus in it
with an octopus in it
or some some sort of tentacled beast.
Is it something that you just can't explain? Something like out of a squid?
Some sort of eldrich horror.
Some sort of Lovecraftian beast. Um if you can imagine such a thing. Uh yeah. So what was the deal there? Is this technical monster in the game? Is that an is that a roughism?
There is um you do have to fight a big boss monster at the at the very end of the first game.
And how many tentacles does it have?
I don't remember. It's been years since I played it.
Is it more than one?
Yeah.
So there are some tentacles

(05:37):
if I if I'm remembering rightly. Yes.
I'm clutching at tentacles. I just thought that that was supremely disappointing. They promised this thing for the whole film. You get there and it's just an empty room. It was just It was promise after promise followed by non-deliverable after non-deliverable. It was
Well, that's just the whole film though, isn't it?
Yeah. And it's annoying.
And can we talk a little bit about Edgar Ramirez?
No, we can't. We have to move on, I'm afraid. I'm very busy.
Okay,
go on. What was he doing here? Who is he?
I don't know what he was doing here.
He wanted to get into the room with nothing in it. really important.
Such an underwhelming villain
and his line delivery was absolutely atrociousand I've seen him in stuff. He can act.
I can only assume this is down to the direction in large part. But yeah, Atlas was a curious one. Um I'm not quite sure why they chose that as the road to go down because there's a the villain that's introduced further into the franchise is Handsome. Jack, who would have made a much more fun villain.
Oh, I thought Handsome Jack was a uh goodie in the game.
No.
Oh,
no. Bad guy. Um, but yeah, like but about a decade ago when I first kind of heard the rumblings that people wanted to make a Borderlands film, um, my fan cast was always Chris Pine for Handsome Jack.
Okay. Why Chris Pine?
He can do that sort of snarky delivery. Yeah.
In a way that's far less annoying than Reynolds.
Yeah, agreed. See, Captain Kirk.

(05:58):
Yeah, cuz I think Ryan Reynolds frustratingly looks the part a little bit more.
I like Chris Pine.
I just think that would have been a much better road to go down. And I think it really did seem like they were trying to lean heavy onto the comedic aspect of this.
They were trying.
They were try. Yes.
Well, I mean, were were they though? Like
it seemed like they were trying.
Do you know what it was
to afford them some grace?
They can't just a not my comedic actor, not a fan, but Kevin Hart, but he doesn't get any fun dialogue in this. He doesn't get any comedic moments. So why would they cast Kevin Hart in a stoic role for a stoic character?
Surely
in a character that's supposed to be the size of like a Michael Clark don.
A big guy as well, right?
Just so they can make the joke about, oh, you sent my dad's shortest soldier.
Yeah, that hilarious joke, which is probably the funniest joke in it.
And then Kevin Hart says something about about a Stormtrooper looking ass b****.
Yeah.
So, apparently this takes place in the same universe as Star Wars.
Everyone's seen Star Wars in this.
Yeah.
I wonder if all of the Star Wars movies exist. Do you think

(06:19):
on Pandora?
On Pandora. The
the Avatar the Avatar planet.
Yeah.
Yeah. I reckon they've I reckon they've got all of it. I reckon they've got all of the Star Wars content. I reckon they're getting all of the Dave Fona stuff. I reckon they're getting uh I reckon they've got the holiday Wow.
They get all of the toys. They got the little R2-D2 briefcase thing which you keep all the toys in. They've got all of that. Kevin's heart character grew up on that stuff.
Right.
That's why he's such a nerd for Star Wars now.
That makes sense.
But he's very short.
Mhm. But
and that's fun.
They got a a solid laugh out of someone, I presume, given that that was
Yeah. Do you know who that was?
Kevin Hart. Yeah.
Kevin Hart's agent who got f****** 10% of whatever he was paid. too much.
At what point into this did you abandon all hope?
Um, pretty early, I think.
Pretty early on. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it was probably
Do you know what? I know exactly when it was. Go on.

(06:40):
When we were in the cinema and we were watching it. It's when Kate Blanchett is in the bar and she says, "I'm getting too old for this s***."
Yeah.
And I'm like, "No,
you're not Danny Glover. You can't do that.
You're not Danny Glover." And thank God you're not the other one. Jo. Is she?
There's no one else in those movies.
Renee Russo, quite like Renee Russo. She's great. There's no one else. But no one else.
There's no one else in No.
Um, yeah. So, it was really early. It was at the bar where plot happens,
right?
And apparently, Lilith, there's a chosen one.
Who could that be?
Exactly. It's a mystery, isn't it? Um, apparently there's And then you've got to go to this planet or whatever. But it's the moment where she said, "I'm so old for this s***. I I I think I just knew from that point, okay, this is going to be lazy, derivative.
This is hack stuff.
This is already trying to be a Guardians of the Galaxy ripoff.
Um, just but done badly, like an Asylum version of Guardians of the Galaxy or or something.
Oh god, you're right.
Guideians of the Galaxy.
Gideon.
Gideon.
Best interview of all time.

(07:01):
Yeah, agreed.
I think I'm on the same page, you know.
When did you exit. Then
I think about the same point, but not necessarily for the same reasons
cuz I was so excited.
Were you?
When I heard that there was going to be a Borderlands movie. Yeah, I was.
When it was announced
because the cinematic potential for that property is huge.
Yeah. The whole universe.
Huge.
Maybe not so much now. So, I was really, really excited. My excitement diminished to the point of non-existence when I heard that Eli Roth would be ing and then I heard the cast list and I was like, "Oh, okay. There's there's a few people that I quite like." Odd odd casting in some cases, but I'm not going to write it off just yet. Then I saw the trailer and I was like, "Oh, no.
I think maybe my childlike optimism wouldn't allow me to snuff it out completely."
Yeah.
So, there was still a modicum of hope when I sat down in the cinema that day. I can totally sympathize with that. There are lots of video game adaptations that I really like but are not very good objectively.
So even if something is not great, if they somehow tap into something in a game or an element that I'm really interested in, I'm probably going to get something out of it.
Yeah.
So if I was you, I would have been exactly the same. Just clinging on to that little glimmer of hope, I think. But many, many ingredients that lots of red flags.
Yes.
But you were like, "No, this is fine."
Yeah. I just sat in a room that's on fire around me going, "Yeah, everything's okay. It could still be good, guys."

(07:22):
Yeah.
Even when the film started, the some of the title screen stuff. Um,
it starts with a really obnoxious voice over stuff, which is just insufferable in the movie.
I Yeah, you know, I'm not a fan of voiceovers.
Horrible.
I find it to be a really lazy device.
Yeah.
I I'll allow it in some cases. some cases I think it works, but here was just very much we're going to tell you and we're going to show you.
Oh, it's so horrible. It was the worst. It's the worst example of of voice over that I think I've seen for a long long time because like you say, it can work in properties. There are some kind there are some genres where that's just part of the fabric of the thing like noir, but sometimes it is just used very lazily to explain Maybe they haven't shot enough of whatever to to show the audience the things that they need to know. So, what do we do? Let's put in a f****** voice over.
Well, I think you were kind of on to something recently. We we had a conversation not on the podcast. Um, we do have we do talk daytoday, believe it or not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you you made a point about all of this kind of straight to streaming slop that's being pumped out, particularly on Amazon Prime lately. I feel like there's just one of these like heads of day or the pickup or some b******* every month these days.
And it's sort of
G20.
Yes, a G20. Exactly that. But it's it didn't occur to me until watching this film that potentially that's what they' done here. And the point that you raised was that all of this content seems to be geared towards people who watch movies whilst on their phone.
Yeah.
And that's what that's all I could think about when Borderline started like we've got Kate Blanchett doing the the stuff but also telling us what she's like she's giving us a playbyplay.
Yeah.
Like our our attention spans aren't so broken that we need a literal playbyplay of the things that we are seeing unless we're also dividing our attention elsewhere.
So I did wonder if maybe they maybe they just don't respect their audience. Maybe they just think the audience is morons.

(07:43):
No, I I think um well
or children I think well I think yes to both of those points. That's what they think. Um but also I feel like a lot of movies are made for people on their telephones these days. It's it's just a thing that happens now. Particularly blockbuster movies particularly where they're spending a lot of money where people are going to take their partners, take the children, take whoever. Some people aren't going to be interested. Some people going to bring their phones. Hopefully you're not in the cinema. If you are, you should be shot.
Um but
with a rubber bullet in case any
Yes. Yes. Yeah. Um, which would still hurt a paintball. Go on a paintball then.
Yeah.
But yeah,
not to the eyes.
This is the
We've all seen Biker Grove.
We've all Yes.
Wear a mask. Put a mask on them and then just shoot them on the bum.
Not up the bum. On the bum.
Left cheek.
One cheek.
One cheek.
Yeah.
Both cheeks if you want to do symmetry on the bruises.
But not the hole.
Might look, but not the hole.
It's very It's very important. population, not the hole. Um,

(08:04):
Dan, why are you limping? Oh, painball to the a****** again.
So, people that are on their phones, yes,
these movies are made for that. This is the most aggressive example of a voice over being completely irrelevant to the movie that that I can think of in in modern as a modern example. Kate Blanchett lands on a planet. Oh, it's a trash planet. There's on the screen.
Oh, and then I went to speak to these children. Yeah, you're doing it right now.
I found this playground. Yeah, we can see the playground. I think I'm going to get on a bus. Well, that bus there that we can see that you're walking towards and you're throwing your bag on the top of and then getting on. You're explaining to us that you're getting on the bus, are you?
You're going to tell us what a bus is next?
Yeah.
Well, on Pandora, we use these buses to transport ourselves from one location to the other.
Unless you're special and then you accidentally teleport places. In which case, do that instead.
And when you find out you can do that, only travel by that.
Yeah. I'm amazed they didn't include all that, to be honest.
Yeah.
I think one of my biggest issues with this movie
is it it was made
is that it was made is that it exists. No, I think is that it feels like it's somehow three decades too late.
Is that makes sense?
It does make sense now that you say it. Yeah.
Obviously, it couldn't have been made 30 years ago. because the the franchise didn't exist back then. But
Kevin Hart was too tall.
But I I don't know. It sort of brings to mind things like Tank Girl and Super Mario Brothers, both of which we covered in flop season, but these massive misfires
that people find a way to appreciate anyway. And it does make me wonder if like kids who watch Borderlands now are going to love it in 30 years time and wonder why Everybody else hates it cuz to them it's just nostalgia tinged brilliance.

(08:25):
Yeah. I mean, possibly like it's this example of the Star Wars prequels. People people that grew up on those movies are now adults and pay taxes and are in charge of things and they also love love those movies. It's weird how these things can be reappraised and how much nostalgia factors in. So, if there are kids watching this now, then you're probably right. will be defenders of this these movies and they should also all be shot
with rubber bullets
with a paintball
with a paintball gun but not in the butthole
not up the on the jaxi
will it get I don't know though you know I question for you side question related
Super Mario Brothers or Borderlands movie which is better which is objectively better
that's so so tough because
is it though?
Yeah,
because the answer is Super Mario Brothers, so it's not really that tough.
Borderlands certainly has more to do with the source material than the Super Mario Brothers did.
Objectively, it's really tough. If you were to ask me which would I rather watch, obviously it's Super Mario Brothers
just as a given.
I shouldn't even have to It's just more interesting.
Yeah.
It's just more fun.
Yeah. Super Mario Brothers was a massive misfire, which I love uh and is really bizarre and has some strange ideas. Borderlands is just a nothing movie.
Yeah, agreed. But Super Mario Brothers does s have some really really out there stuff. Yeah.
And they made some really really strange decisions.
Yeah.

(08:46):
But
Lance Henrikson is a poo fungus,
turtle head.
Yeah.
But I I kind of admire it.
Yeah.
In a in a bizarre way, whereas and I don't even love Super Mario Brothers, but I did grow up watching it, so there is some enjoyment to be had there. But I Yeah, Borderlands is just it's so not fun.
I feel like you're right in that it does seem like it's aping Guardians of the Galaxy,
but they've misunderstood everything that made those films charming.
Yeah, it's the Guardians of the G Galaxy is is all about the humor and the the chemistry between the characters and Yeah, totally. Which there is none of that really. They sort of try, I guess, a little bit with Lilith and with Tiny Tina and with Tannis. Roland and get nothing
really.
Well, yeah. I mean, in fairness, Roland was kind of the most boring character.
He's very stoic. So, I've read.
He is. Yeah. He's kind of the straight man.
Yeah. Which again is curious to why you would cast Kevin Hart.
Agreed. But that's fine. Have the straight man. Um, but that's why I think the other characters would have been more interesting to include instead because like Brick was just like the brute force guy.
Um, Morai.
Morai was a really cool character and he had um a giant bird that he could summon and he could deploy at any point called Bloodwing.
Oh, not Redwing.
Bloodwing.
Bloodwing.

(09:07):
And it played a huge part in the um the story going forward as well. It cropped up again. in a future game.
That sounds way more interesting already.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah. Put a boring stoic suit. What's What's Roland's character?
Nothing. Yeah.
There's a part in it where like he gets into it looks like he's going to do a big sacrifice thing. He doesn't.
It's so
There's no stakes.
There are no stakes. They tell you that there are stakes and then they show you that there are no stakes.
Yeah. Kate Blanchett's character is always witting on about how there are definitely stakes.
Yeah. But It never feels like that.
I'm never going to get off this planet alive. There's a 0% chance of killing all of these psychos in this cave except from when you all got out without a scratch on you. And in fact, there was one and that's right. That's what I was saying. Kevin Hart is he locks himself in the the underground bit with all of the psychos with the the melty green lava stuff that melts everything except from things that you don't want it to melt in the screenplay. And uh they all the psychos are coming towards him. He's like, I'm going to save does that. Oh, give it to me. Give it to like in Aliens and they've got the the Gorman. No, but it's Kevin Hart this time doing it.
Yeah. And
so it's super believable.
Super believable. These psychos apparently are going to kill all of the team with 100% effectiveness. They've got 0% chance of getting out. But then what what they do cleverly is they cut away from that fight scene and then Kevin Hart just flies into the third act quite literally with a chain thing for some reason.
I don't know.
You don't see any of it. But it's fine because Kate Blanchett says he's an elite soldier. So you see him, you go, I know how you got out. You did elite soldier stuff, didn't you?
Yeah. So they've gone from showing us and telling us to just telling us.
It gets worse somehow as it goes on.
f****** s***, isn't it?
Yeah.

(09:28):
Like and I I often want to find something to enjoy in these movies when we cover bad ones. Flops was a great example of that. This could have definitely been in Flops, but
I did I I wanted to get some good movies in Flops. I think we had one or two objectively good movies. I forget now, but a lot of the ones I chose were probably not great, but I got something out of them to to varying degrees.
Masters of the Universe. Garbage, but it's charming.
Steady.
It's very It's great charm.
It's a a masterpiece.
This is just charmless garbage.
Yeah. Where it all hinges on being charming. That's the whole f****** thing.
Yeah. Which is not to be confused with likable. The characters don't need to be liable. But the film has to have some charm. And it's even down to the way it looks. The backdrops were pretty well rendered. I thought
I
an obvious amount of green screen.
Yeah.
But I think the um the the scenes on the planet were really well done actually and look identical near identical to the games
to the landscape of the of the games. Okay.
I think That's something that they did do really well. However, everything else was just like eye offendingly disgusting.
I think there was a lot of there was a lot of green screen stuff in it that I noticed and I thought didn't look great. I wonder how much of that could have been re-shoots.
Yeah, some of the green screen was really bad. Some of the stunts looked really shony.
Yeah.
But I don't know what it's just like everything else that populated the planet was so garish and ugly
cuz the the game has a very specific look, doesn't it? It does the It does. What's the technique they use?
Um, it's got like this cell shading animation technique. Um, which it looks, I think, amazing.

(09:49):
It's very distinctive to the layman like me. I look at it and go, "Oh, it looks a bit like a comic book."
Um, that's the best way that I can describe it. What the sort of things it makes me think of anyway. And maybe, you know, that's part of the game's identity. That's what a lot of people like about that. You're not doing any of that in the film. I don't know if you can. Maybe there's a way. I guess if you make an animated movie, you could do it then, which inevitably they will.
I did actually. Yeah, I did. That was a note that I made actually that this sort of thing may have been much better suited to a cartoon.
Yeah,
an animated feature.
I agree. I mean, if you're going to use a similar technique and you're going to get the people that made um Into the Spider-Verse, maybe you get them on board,
you could do something quite special.
But also, I think if you're going to cuz obviously They just look like people.
Yeah.
You can't have like the cell shading
on real humans because it would look like you just look like a comic.
It would just look like bad cosplay.
Yeah.
But I think if you're going to do away with that stylized element, then also do away with some of the other stuff cuz that wig that Kate Blanchett was wearing was a crime. It was awful. It was so ugly and just
it didn't work.
Is the wig true? through to the the look of Lilith in the game. Is it that kind of
she's a cartoon
that sticks out? Yeah.
She's got the Cameron Diaz hairstyle from uh you know the
Yeah. Yeah. You doing the motion repeatedly. It goes jizzing hair.
Yeah.

(10:10):
Yeah.
Farad bas she gets come in her hair.
It's funny.
I want to go on a date with a loaded gun.
Um Um, yeah. I mean, it wasn't great. It wasn't great. What about the looks? The look of the characters in general taking
Clap Trap. Brilliant. Yeah.
Nailed it.
So, like really good work from the animators, right? It looks very good.
Mhm.
There was a a scene where the the robot is chasing the car.
Mhm.
Look great.
There's a bit when Crap Trap is
emptying bullets from his crap trap.
That's what I'm saying. Crab trap.
Clap trap.
That's what I'm saying. Clap trap. He literally does crap. It craps out in the bullets, which is very funny.
If you're five,
we were all rolling around the cinema when that scene came on. Do you know what it is? I feel like some of it feels like a lot of people worked very hard on it. So, part of me is I don't want to go in too hard on it. Like the animators, the, you know, key crew that that rarely get mentioned probably worked very very hard on it. And I hope they got paid and they got a recognition, but it
but they're doing it on somebody else's instruction. Yeah. No, 100%. Like it's
so it's not I I I definitely do not blame any of those people like you say. I'm sure they did work very hard to the specifications they were given.

(10:31):
Yeah%.
So I think maybe a better example is Mad Moxy.
Okay.
She looks just like she does in the games,
but that's to the character's detriment in casting real humans as these characters.
Yeah.
Cuz you turn up and she's got all this garish makeup. Fine. But she's got this awful like blue contact. lenses in that just look so uncanny valley and just they look like s*** cosplay.
Yeah.
And I think that really detracts from all the other good stuff like Clap Trap.
Did you enjoy Jack Black as as Clap Trap? Okay.
He he did a decent job of like pretending to be the voice actor for Clap Trap, but I really don't understand why they didn't get the main guy, the real guy,
the original Clap Trap.
Yeah.
Guy. Yeah.
Like does Jack Black really have that big of a a fan base to to make that casting worthwhile. Surely if you're trying to appease the fans of the games, one of the original voice actors would be a cool get and a lot cheaper probably.
Uh than Jack Black. Yeah, I would I would imagine so.
I don't know. Maybe they couldn't. Maybe there was a disagreement or something, but he was fine.
That's the best thing I can say.
Should we talk a little bit about plot
if we absolutely have to? Yes.
Okay.

(10:52):
There was one. on barely.
Yeah. And that's all I've got to say about the plot.
The plot was Eli Roth has a fetish for slightly older women and wanted to cast as many of them as he could um so he could film them with their cleavage on show.
Oh, was there a lot of cleavage in this movie? Sarah, I had noticed shots of uh Jam D Curtis or Junior Ghanon.
They might as well just done a closeup and zoomed into their their breasts and gone tits. first going, "Look at the tits."
I'm amazed there wasn't
mil. Yeah,
but that's kind of what it said to me because all the characters are so much younger in the games,
right?
Lilith, I think, is supposed to be 22 in the first game. Kate Blanchett, I love her, but she's not 22. And it does seem to be that they were trying to be at least a little bit self-aware about that casting because, as you've already stated, she does that I'm too old for this s*** line.
Yeah. So, it does feel like they're kind of going, "Yeah, we know. We know." And the only thing I can think of is that perhaps they were they went older because they were trying to convey some sort of like mother daughter thing with her and Tina. I I love Kate Blanchett as much as the next person, but you don't need 55year-old Kate Blanchett playing what 28 29 year old character from the game. And it's I'm sort of uh conflicted about this because on the one hand
women when they get to a certain age actorsthey stop getting a lot of roles they get overlooked for a lot of roles and from what I hear anyway I'm not an actress
you're not no I'm not I should have said that up top really at the start of the show I'll insert a voice over at the start and explain that I'm not an actress
but on the Yes. So on the one hand I like that older women are getting parts
Mhm. ction parts as well. Great. But it's feels like it's so such a departure from the characters and not what the characters are that they don't the casting is not right.
The casting has to be right.
Well, there's just there was some weird dialogue that didn't necessarily make a lot of sense. Like Mad Moxy was kind of going, "Oh yeah, I remember your mom and blah blah blah." And it's like she's talking as if they were the same age, but she's Lilith's age.
Yeah, that was weird as well. And the same thing with the Tannis character Curtis. Oh, me and your mom were We're We're bang up. We were great mates.
Tennis was also in her twinsies in the game.
Yeah, it's weird.
Yeah, curious choices. But like you say, I do admire anybody who's willing to give older actors a go because put Jamie D Curtis in it, man. Like all day if you get Jamie Curtis, put her in the movie like immediately.

(11:13):
Just do better characterization. Don't have her stumbling around looking like it's her first day on Earth.
Yeah.
I don't know. I I take particular offense at that. Because I did read somewhere that apparently it's canon that Tannis is autistic.
I read this in my research. Yeah.
Characterized by her lack of empathy. Get f*****. I cry at everything. So yeah, some of that does offend me somewhat. So maybe uh I have a personal gripe,
right,
with that particular characterization. But yeah, I don't I I love Jam Lee Curtis, but I didn't like how she played Tannis. And again, it has to be direction, right?
Yeah, definitely.
And the script
and characterization of the script. Yeah. The fact that it's just a big old f****** pile of nothing. There's nothing there.
When he saw his dog s*******, was it on pieces of paper?
Was that the script?
I was going to say, was it on pieces of paper that had the word uh Borderlands script on it? Yes, it was.
That makes a lot of sense. Actually, youimproved the script. It was really bad before the dog shhat on it. Yeah. Made it better. It's more jokes.
That's what inspired him.
Yeah. So go on. You wanted to talk more about plot.
No, I did. No, that was it. Well, I think we've discussed it. Like
there's
they have to get a vault open.
It's so wafer thin
that hasn't got anything in it. And maybe someone can teleport who but it's not the person that you think that can teleport. It's the one that you thought could teleport.

(11:34):
And Edgar Ramirez is evil.
Yeah. And he's got that shield thing. That's a plot point.
Yeah.
And he's got a spaceship that you can control with your finger. And well, at least the Anyway, he's got gunfingers. It's like he's at a drummer and bass event.
Great. I love my favorite part actually. Gunfinger.
Get Chasing Status to do the soundtrack.
What a f****** let down. I I I wasn't overly excited for it anyway to be honest with you both when we watched it at the cinema and why we sat down to watch it for the podcast as well. Um, but even so, like I said, I try to find things that I like, but I can't. I I can't find anything in this. Are there any redeeming qualities that you know, aside from the things we've spoken about already, how the look of Crap Trap is quite good. Uh, and some of the the landscape looks good. We've spoken about I think a lot of the performances are quite flat, but it's probably more of a script issue. There's a paper thin story, if you can call it as thick as that. Is um, is there anything else to like about it?
But it's like a Rizzler, the extra thin wizzers, the silver ones.
Yeah.
Um, if They're the thin the thinnest ones. I wouldn't know. Um, yeah. Is there anything else that we can say that's positive about this?
I'm really trying. Whoever cast Marcus, that was a good shout.
So memorable that I know exactly who you're talking about.
The guy who was driving the bus.
Oh, really important character. Marcus driving a bus. Yeah,
he is quite important in the game.
Is he? Is he the bus driver?
He's the munitions guy, which
And guns are important.
Yes. Yeah. I'm really trying here.
Yeah. I don't I don't think there was one joke that landed. I really wish there had been, but it just it felt like being insulted for an hour and 40 minutes.
It's like they just got piss in their mouths. You're supposed to be laughing now.

(11:55):
Yeah.
I It just felt odious.
Just obnoxious.
If I hadn't read the um the credits of this movie, I think I would have believed that Matt Refe had written a script cuz it's the least funny thing I've seen in a long time.
An AI did punch punch ups on it.
AI did punchups on a Matt Rice quest. God, that that movie might be worse than Borderlands.
If you could such a thing,
maybe.
Is this the worst movie we've covered for the podcast?
I think Driven's really bad, but
how dare you?
I know you get a lot out of that film.
Listen, I I'm not going to defend it. It's bad. But is it worse than Borderlands?
Maybe. No, it's Well, it's maybe on a par.
I kind of objectively reluctantly agree with you maybe.
But I would still rather watch driven.
Yeah, because at least I'm smiling. At least one of us is enjoying it.
It's a bit where Sly's got his head CGIed on that car.
It's the final act is really tense cuz Jimmy Bl's hopping. At least you can enjoy it.
He did it 10 times.
10 times. But it's one of those movies that I think is is so bad that it's fun to to watch it and take the piss out of it.

(12:16):
I think this is so lacking and so nothing Borderlands. that I when I watch a bad movie and I'm sitting there. I enjoy you and I will sit down and we maybe what was that one we watched a few months ago where the time traveling city or something.
I don't remember this.
There's a big Martian ball and they went back to in time to Earth. There's a a city in the galaxy that has to keep time traveling to to stop being invaded by robots or something.
This sounds fascinating.
Yes, you showed me it. You own it. I think it
Oh, Time Guardian.
That's it. Time Guardian. Like something bad like that.
How dare you?
It's bad. It's It's terrible, but it's f****** great. Like, it's so much fun. And you and I will sit down. We'll watch it.
Is it self-aware? I don't know. Does it matter?
Probably not.
It It doesn't matter, though, because we're just sitting there. We're having a maybe a glass of wine and just
enjoying it and making remarks about what's going on on screen. Whereas Borderlands,
it's not
I'm just sitting there going, "What?"
It's It's not It's not even bad enough that it's enjoyable. no bold decisions in it. It's it's all played safely.
Mhm.
Uh and it's just nothing. There's the humor is very, if you can call it humor, it's very safe. It's very
um just
childish.
Childish and

(12:37):
which is fine if if you just want to appeal to children, but the games are not for children. So, it's just a
just odd.
But you can do it. You you can appeal to all people. Toy Story, for example, adults love it. Children love it. Like it's a very different property, don't get me wrong.
Yeah, I agree. I think you can I think you can get all four quadrants, but not with this property. I think if you're going to do Borderlands, it has to be a hardOkay,
we need blood and guts flying around, Scagg's heads exploding.
That's what I want to see. Anyway,
there was some head explody stuff cut out of it apparently and limbs coming off.
Come on, man.
Yeah,
that's Borderlands. Apart from anything, just get the people involved in the games to contribute to the script.
Yeah,
they wrote decent jokes. Yes, some of them were a bit grating in the games, but I laughed more playing the games than I did watching the films.
Yeah,
like by a long shot.
I I I laughed more when I had diarrhea that time than I did watching Borderlands both times.
I think ultimately it just feels like such a wasted opportunity, but in a different way than Until Dawn did.
I feel like Until Dawn was way better than in Borderlands
100%. So much better.
I don't think that's a terrible I don't think it's great, but I think it's and it's wasted potential.
It's fine.
But this is a wasted opportunity on a whole different level.

(12:58):
And I I really do question
anybody's decision to appoint Eli Roth the boss of this project. I just I will never understand that. He's not the guy.
And it I I would put money on him having never played any of the Borderlands games for longer than 10 minutes. It felt like he he had like a cursory knowledge and then other people told him about the rest of it.
Yeah, curious choice. Definitely a curious choice. And and just joged my memory a little bit there of last week and where we spoke about Until Dawn. Let's not forget that that movie was made for $15 million.
Yeah,
Borderlands was made for $115 million.
There's a world of difference between those two budgets. One came out significantly better than the other. There's There's a lot to unpack there. There's there's a lot that you could look into on in both of those movies. What what Until Dawn did very well, which we spoke about last week with the some of the effects and the execution of some of the stunts and the just the nothing burger of of Borderlands. So, the the some I mentioned the action scene with with Roland, which you didn't see. The the other one I can keep thinking of is where they drove through the the acid dragon, whatever that was. Yeah,
that had acid piss flying around or something.
Yeah,
I don't close the window. Why? Because you'll get piss on you. And they they get piss on them. Kate Blanchett was in this movie, Sarah.
I know. Was she really bored?
Well, I mean, yeah, it was she was cast during lockdown, so yeah.
So, she she had nothing else going on.
No one did.
No one did.
Well, that makes the casting make a little bit more sense. But
also, Jam Lee Curtis was in this movie. And Jamie Curse has been in some good movies, which
she's been in some really bad ones, too.
Have you seen Virus? Is it called Virus when she's on a ship or something? Ghost robots or something?
I know what you mean.
Yeah. Um

(13:19):
but then she's she was also in Everything Everywhere All All at the same time.
True. But then,
as Mark calls it,
she was also in Halloween H2O.
Hey, I like that.
Oh, come on.
I'm not saying it's good, but I enjoy it. I do enjoy it. Good. On the subject of casting,
I know you said you would like to maybe reinvision the cast.
Yeah, cuz we sort of decided together, didn't we, that we would both go away and come up with a list each of and just recast the main players in in the in in the movie that we've just watched. So, I've done a list and you've you've done a list as well.
Don't do that. Don't throw me under the bus like that. Don't you dare.
One of us has done Recasts.
One of us has got a job.
I listen. I've been unemployed for a day. All right. This is my first day off.
It's a day longer than me. All right.
Well, one of us has done a We haven't done this in a while. I can't remember the last time that we we did it, but very occasionally we'll decide to recast the the core uh characters in the film. And I've done exactly that.
Maybe I'll think of some on the fly. Who knows?
Maybe maybe some of my my personages Well, is that a word? Personages.
Yeah, but I'm not sure you're using it correctly in in this instance.
I'm using the wrong context, aren't I?
Context. Yes.
Um, I'm not going with Kate Blanch yet again.

(13:40):
Okay.
I'm going with Emma Stone.
Okay.
Now, I know I looked at the ages because I knew that was going to be a factor and something that we would touch on while talking about the film. The the actor's ages compared to the characters ages in the game.
Emma Stone's what? Late 30s.
Late 30s. I know Lilith is to be 22.
Oh, 22.
Yeah. I mean, it's closer than Kate Blanchett and I couldn't think of anyone better. Once once I landed on Emma Stone, that was a lock in for me. But I was considering someone a bit younger like Samara Weaving at first.
Okay.
Who I think would be very good. She's done things like Guns of Kimbo. What's that? Mayhem, the the the the movie that we watched a few weeks ago. which I didn't love, but she was very good in Yeah. Eenie. Meanie, quite a stern character in that. A very capable character. I think she could do that role with her eyes closed.
Yeah, maybe.
But but then I thought, oh, but then you can if you can get Emma Stone if she has a day off from Yoslanthmos movies,
which I hope she never does.
Agreed.
Just I hope she always works with Yoslanthamos and Ara forever and ever and ever.
Every year we get an Everstone movie either with Yorgoslanos or Ariasta.
I'd be happy. Me too. too.
But yeah, I sort of landed on Emma Stone and didn't really consider anyone else after that.
I mean, she can kind of do it all, can't she? So, yeah, I like that.
Yeah,
Roland. Okay.

(14:01):
Okay.
We're going to keep Kevin Hart.
No.
No, we're not. Um Roland, I I I cuz I'm not as familiar with the characters as you are. Like I said, I did do a quick Google.
Um and what I understand is that character his character is Army.
Yes. So, um, what I thought was I went through my list on letter box of films we'd watched in 2025, 2024, and then I sorted it by highest rated, and that's how I found some of these these actors.
Okay.
And I landed on um, Rebel Ridge.
Oh,
and I thought Pierre,
I don't hate that.
I was quite happy with that because he is I mean, he's a very stoic character in that. He's a he's a
he did a very good American accent,
right? He was he was great in that movie and I really enjoyed it and he's very matter of fact and very capable
and he he was very good at what that character needed and I feel like he could bring a similar energy perhaps to Roland.
Do you know who my pick might be?
Go on.
Um Yaya Abdul Matin III.
Yeah. Because the Yaya Abdul Matin the third would be your pick for everything, wouldn't it?
Cuz I like looking at him.
Yeah.

(14:22):
No, I He's
That's a shout out.
He's got the the acting chops and the size
for the character, neither of which Kevin Hart had.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Actually, I wish id thought of that. I was sort of toying with the idea of dams and Idris cuz F1 is the greatest movie ever made.
He's very he's a very big guy. He's very he's he's 6 foot something. So, okay, you know, he's got the he's got the stature there physically, but someone that I was sort of kicking around. And again, when I thought of Aaron Pierre, that's it. We're going Aaron Pierre. But I was considering Dams and Idris, I also was considering Michael B. Jordan. because um he's a f****** brick s*** house
and again can kind of do it all.
Yeah,
he's got a bit of everything, hasn't he?
I haven't really seen him do much comedy, but then I haven't seen Kevin Hart do much comedy either, so doesn't really matter.
Um Tiny Tina,
this was probably the hardest one that I come up with.
I can't think of like any child actors off the top of my head.
Me too. Me too. So Ariana Greenlat I think is It was probably about 15 16 when the film was shot. I would say the character is about 13 rightin the games. 13 14
a teenager a young teenager.
Yeah.
Um so I did the same thing again went on letter box and sorted from my highest rating and I looked I landed on a film called Abigail and I thought Alicia we
who plays Abigail in that movie.
We're not going to spoil Abigail. We're not here to do that but she's very good in that and that's a fun enjoyable movie and I think that she's got the energy to bring to that tiny Tina character and and the physicality as well that you might need.
She was also in that Matilda musical remake which we didn't watch.
No. No.

(14:43):
But apparently um was very good in that too.
Okay.
Very difficult to find child actors that are good. And also like it it it struck me when I was going through my letter box movies that we had watched in the last year or two. Almost none of them have children in Sarah. Like we don't watch kids films typically, but you would think by like accidentally there'd be more kids in them. But it just turns out that it's so rare that I ever watch a film with kids in and they're a good performer. Um or or I enjoy what they do. But yeah, when I saw Abigail, I thought, "Yeah, that's that's the one."
It's usually the opposite side of the coin. Like we rewatched 28 Days Later not so long ago, and the young girl in that is so bad.
Yeah.
So, it's it's usually they're notable for being terrible rather than the other thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I don't hate that.
Were there any other names?
I don't think there were there actually. There was one person who apparently had played like a young Brie Larson in something, a young um other actor in something. I've forgotten her name now, but she ended up being about 20.
Oh, what?
Oh, McKenna Grace.
McKenna Grace. McKenna Grace being who that is.
Um She's been in loads of stuff. She was um the daughter in the newer Ghostbusters movies.
Oh, that's who I was talking about.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah. I like that.
Right. Yeah. But she's 19.
But she she looks young and she's tiny, isn't she? If we're talking about stature, she fits the role.

(15:04):
Okay.
Yeah, I like that.
Okay. But I was thinking, you know, might be a year or so before you get shooting, then you might want to make more movies. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I
just sack off the character. I don't like Tiny Tina anyway.
Well, just this is what I was looking forward to in your list. I thought maybe you were going to swap out some of the characters and choose different characters, but you didn't end up doing that, did you?
Well, we didn't talk about that anyway.
Uh, Michaela Grace. Oh. Um, light connection here. She is in the upcoming Five Nights at Freddy's 2.
Ah, video game movie.
Video game movie. Yeah. Craig, there was one name and One name alone and it's Kevin Durand. Also looking at Abigail Yeah, I was just going to say you're just casting people from Abigail.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
He's got the physicality. He's a big guy. We recently saw him in the Naked Gum where he was criminally underused. I thought
I really like Kevin Durant. I think he's a bit of an underrated actor. I think he can be very funny.
I think he could be very good at action if they wanted him to do that. I think he could be a very good allrounder. often plays a villain type character.
Lost, remember we watched Lost this time last year, I think it was. And he is in some of those episodes where he's not a very nice man. No spoilers.
Um, he's very good. And I think, do you know what? I didn't hate the performance of Craig, but again, it was just nothing. There was no nothing for that character to do.
He's behind a mask the whole time and he just says like stock lines from the game
like, "I am Groot. Yeah, he's Yeah, exactly. He's great.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that. I think in a perfect world, you wouldn't have Tiny Tina or they sort of come as a package deal.
So, I would quite happily do away with both of those characters cuz a psycho. So, he's he's sort of the brute force guy.

(15:25):
Yeah.
Whereas in in my version of Borderlands, you would have Brick as the brute force guy and you wouldn't have Creed at all.
And you you'd cast Dave as brick.
Maybe, you know, maybe
just get let's get all of the people from Guardians of the Galaxy except from Chris Pratt.
No, I do like Yeah. No, I didn't definitely know Chris Pratt. No, I do quite like that actually.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
So, for Crap Trap, we're going to mack off Jack Black cuz we we've all had enough of Jack Black now. He's got enough money. Yes. Is he funny? Sometimes. Um but I don't want to keep hearing his voice to be honest. I want someone else to have a chance. And someone else that does a lot of voice work is Alan Tudy.
Oh, and he's also played multiple robots.
Yeah, he's the K2SO in Star Wars. Um, I was I was was thinking about Bill Hader because I know that you're a big fan of Hayer and he did the uh
he was BB-8.
Yeah, the the ball the ball guy in in Star Wars.
The ball guy.
Yeah, the ball guy. It's like Well, that was that movie that flopped, wasn't it? With Goston in a couple of years ago. Um, was it the p*** parody version of that movie?
The bull guy. Yeah.
So, Alan Tunic, what do you reckon?
I like I like that.
Lock that in.
Yes. Can I offer Well, can I offer up an al alternative?
Please do.

(15:46):
So, obviously, again, in a perfect world, I think the ideal version of Clap Trap would be the guy who voiced Clap Trap in the game, whose name I don't know. I'm terrible. I feel bad for that. But if Do you sort of get rid of the notion that you already your brain already sort of thinks it knows what Clap Trap should sound like and just go in a completely different but similar direction. Restarby.
Okay. Yeah. Band meeting.
Yeah.
Like it would be it would be odd
to have a Kiwi robot.
No. Why would it be odd?
But I think he's just got that weird sort of absurdest whimsical thing down. M
and I think he could be quite funny.
Really like that. I would like to see Rhyar be doing more voice work now you mention it. I think he could
he's got such a a no like a distinct voice I think.
Yeah. I think he could be like an Alan Sudic a bit of a reliable voice guy actor for sure.
I'd love that.
Yeah. Do you know what we don't see enough Ree Darby? We never caught that pirate show that he did which apparently was very good. Flag means death but it did finish though apparently didn't it? They did wrap it up maybe.
I think so.
Okay. I know. was cut short.
Right. Okay. Um, right. So, Alan Tulik, but I prefer your your Ree Darby, I think, on that one.
Okay.
One more. We've got Tannis. Right. Uh, I was struggling with this one a little bit because I I don't know much about the the character from the game. Um, but someone who I was actually considering before I thought of Emma Stone for Lilith, I was considering Karen Gillan for Lith.
But when I thought of Emma Stone, I swapped them and I'm going to put Karen Gillan as Tannis cuz
Oh,
I quite like her. Deadpan delivery in as um

(16:07):
so we're just having everybody from Guardians.
Guardians. What was Nebula?
Yeah,
Nebula. Very good. Flat but very funny delivery. Um again Kevin Hart project the Jumanji. She was in Jumanji. Very good in Jumanji. I think Karen Gillan could potentially be very good in that in that role.
Yeah, I quite like that actually.
And that's that's it. That that's that's me done with my recasting.
Okay. My alternative for Tannis just because we haven't mentioned everybody that was in Abigail yet. Um, Katherine Newton.
Okay.
I was considering doing Dan Stevens for the voice of Crap Trap as well. Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
He's done some interesting voice work.
Yeah. Like Cuckoo, I think, was a pretty good example. I think he was doing German.
That's what I was thinking.
Uh, yeah. I don't hate that.
Well, apparently he was um being considered for the role of Crap Trap, but he got beaten off by like
he was beaten off by all those American men.
Yeah.
If you know, you know.
So funny. I do watch that sometimes. Just go on TikTok like look Dan Stevens beating off.
It's in It's in a folder of like cheer up videos.

(16:28):
Is that John Daker?
Name is John Daker
and the the drummer in a costume.
Yeah. When you're overqualified for the job.
Yeah, I have a few of those as well. But that that's it. That's my casting over with. So
I like those.
Thank you. Thank you. I did put some thought into it. Um and some research some research had had been made and you also put lots of time and effort into it.
Yeah. Just now.
Yeah. But that's it. Sarah, listen. We never ever need to watch or talk about Borderlands ever again. And I thought that this time last year we watched it at cinema. We covered it for Patreon. I thought that's done now. Never have to think about that again. But Then when I was programming video game movies, I'm like, "Should we do Assassin's Creed?" And you were like, "What about Borderlands?" I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that's a better movie than Assassin's Creed." Um, I haven't seen Assassin's Creed all the way through. But I'm fascinated by that movie.
And now you've seen Borderlands twice.
And now I've seen Bordlands twice. God, I probably would probably watch Assassin's Creed while you're away, I think, just to get the completeness for the season. Um, so this is all your fault, but we do never need to watch or think about this movie again uh until inevitable, but which will probably be brilliant because they'll learn all the right lessons from this.
Well, at least we have Borderlands 4 to look forward to this month.
Oh, the game.
The month that we are recording this episode in. Of course, this might be it might have been out already by the time this goes out. Um, yeah.
Yeah. Well, excite
when you're back at Christmas. Two weeks solid of playing Borderlands 4 with me.
Okay. Okay.
Limber up your thumbs.
All right. So, what do you reckon on lands movie then uh is it dog s*** and how much dog s*** is it?
It is the maximum amount of dog s*** that it can possibly be.
I agree. Derivative garbage and I just wish that there was something more that I could say about it that's positive, but I just can't.

(16:49):
It's bizarre to call something derivative that is based on an original property.
True.
Where there is so much law to draw from and yet we got this steaming p of
nothing.
Guana.
Guana. Yeah.
I just I'm just I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.
Yeah. We should write a letter to to Eli Roth.
I might
stern letter.
I'll start with my uh original grievances, which is the chick vision on his Cabin Fever DVD. That's when I first had beef with the man.
I'm not even going to ask. This feels like a whole rabbit hole that we could go down.
I've talked about this on previous podcasts. Basically, chick vision was cabin fever but with hands in front of the screen.
So imagine you're a a a woman
watching a horror movie,
a scared little lady and you want to watch it behind your hands.
Mhm.
Oh,
so me and him have beef.
Yeah, I can understand that. Um
and he just seems like a c***.

(17:10):
I think that's that's how we end, isn't it? That's that's I can't top that. Sarah, what up? All right, let's leave it there then. So, um, next week we're doing another movie that's in the video game universe, but it's not.
You're having to be careful.
Yeah, it's not a video game ad. I didn't call the season video game adaptations, did I? f*** face. I called it video game movies.
So, I think you'll agree that Tron Legacy qualifies.
It's fine. You made you make got your own rules.
It's our podcast. Do what the f*** we like and we do.
But the premier That is uh is Jeff Jeff I said goblin. It's the other Jeff.
Daniels.
Daniels. No. Bridges. You bastard. You did that on purpose.
Jeff Bridges gets sucked off into a computer game. So it qualifies. It's a video game in the movie.
And it's a movie that has a video game in it. Therefore, it's a video game movie. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

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Borderlands (2024) - S12 E94

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Borderlands (2024) - S12 E94