January 31, 2024 • 52 mins
Welcome to a heartfelt episode of "The Adoptee Diaries - Season Two". Beginning this season, our focus remains on providing a supportive platform where adoptees can freely share their stories, fostering understanding and empathy. This episode features a captivating narrative involving our host and her biological father, disclosing remarkable insights from their personal reunion.
In the pursuit of truth and identity, the host initiates a journey of self-discovery, unravelling decades-long secrets about her birth, adoption, and ethnicity through an ancestry DNA test. This emotional roller coaster ride culminates in a long-awaited reunion with her birth father, unfolding a unique tale of love, loss, recovery and reconciliation.
Discussing intricate racial concerns in adoption, the episode unearths the story of being raised in a predominantly white family, emphasizing the critical emotional impact the absence of physical similarities can have on one's sense of identity and belonging. The importance of technology in reconnecting severed bonds, the excitement and anxiety of making the first contact, leading to the revelation of deeply guarded family secrets.
This narrative aims not only to attention to the oft-ignored perspective of birth fathers, but also to provoke discussions about the responsibilities of adoption agencies, adoptive parents, and advocating for adoptees' rights.
Join us for this extraordinary exploration into one story of search and reunion. Listen to one father's story of loss, longing, determination, as well as his perseverance to be part of his daughter's life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:30):
Discussions, my number one purpose is to create a safe space for adoptees to
share their stories and connect with others who understand, so they're not left navigating alone.
This podcast also serves to inform the broader adoption constellation of what.
Music.
Our collective lived experience looks like, so they can support us,
raise us, teach us, and care for us better, ultimately giving us the option
(00:52):
to live fully supported,
informed, full, and connected lives. lives.
We believe that by shedding light on the challenges and triumphs of adoption,
we can inspire hope, healing, and a sense of belonging for all those impacted.
So come along on this journey of self-discovery with me. Thank you so much for being here.
Music.
(01:14):
Hello, everyone. I'm so excited to be back for season two of The Adoptee Diaries.
I hope 2024 has been gentle so far.
I am truly grateful for the support that you've poured into the Adoptee Diaries
throughout the past year.
Your feedback has fueled my determination to keep these conversations alive.
(01:34):
As a reminder, this podcast serves as a safe space for adoptees to share,
a learning ground for adoptive parents, and a resource hub for industry professionals,
all with the overarching aim of cultivating lives rooted in truth,
trust, and transparency.
Music.
I am so excited to kick off Season 2 with a very special guest.
(01:56):
Today, I am joined by my birth father for an open discussion about our shared
story from each of our perspectives and the unbreakable ties that bind us.
Our journey restarted in 2020 when I took an ancestry DNA test,
which was over 40 years after our initial separation, when my birth mother,
(02:16):
without his knowledge or consent, sent took me. I was six weeks old.
He'd never see me again until I found him.
For more details on my search and reunion journey.
Music.
(02:42):
This chapter of our lives. He accepted my connection with open arms,
and I acknowledge that this opportunity is so rare.
Many of you have bravely shared your own search outcomes, and due to the laws
in place during my adoption, the system succeeded in erasing anything that occurred
before my ultimate adoption when I was 10 weeks old.
(03:03):
Making critical information like medical, history, ethnicity,
everything. It was a mystery.
My story, like so many others, revolves around intentional omissions,
around layers of secrets.
Even when my birth mother found me in 2005, details about my birth father were
guarded, leaving me grappling with the mystery of my own adoption, my own ethnicity.
(03:26):
Given the intentional secrecy, I understand that this really It really is a
privilege today to know my biological father, to know my culture,
to have the opportunity to see people who look like me and in some cases act like me. Grandma!
Unfortunately, I've discovered that withholding information still persists and
the family separation continues to be in practice.
(03:47):
If it's true that our bodies keep the score, we adoptees bear weary bodies. bodies.
So today, my birth father and I share our story of love, loss, search, and reunion.
With so much ground to cover, I had to break the conversation up into two episodes.
(04:08):
I hope that you are able to find peace in our story.
Even though there is pain, we are healing, and it is our hope that you do too.
Thank you for being here.
Welcome to the Adopt Me Diaries, birth father.
Well, it's good to be here. You're very brave for saying yes.
(04:29):
I was trying to think this morning how I even, I don't even know how this happened.
Did we just randomly have a text exchange and I said, do you want to be on the
podcast? And you said yes. And that was that?
Yeah. That's what I had on mute. So I mentioned it and I asked.
As you talked about it, even like last year, that that would be a good thing
for us to do, but we just never scheduled it.
So the other day you texted and said something. And I say, yes.
(04:51):
And here I am. Are you nervous?
Well, I think I'm excited.
Yeah, not really nervous. I'm more like excited about, you know, talking to you.
Now I can see you, not because we talk on the phone or, you know,
but this is cool. Do you get nervous?
Do you even get nervous about stuff or are you just kind of like kind of cool?
(05:11):
No, no, I get nervous. Yeah, I get nervous.
Like, you know, I can't think right now, but I mean, yeah. I got to get nervous
maybe before the Bills game or during the Bills game.
Oh, my gosh. Okay, so that's going to be wonderful.
I'm totally leaving that in in post-production when I edit this.
We're leaving that in because it's important for everybody to know.
Anybody that knows my story knows that I always talk about I was born in Buffalo in the 70s.
(05:36):
And it's been the bills that my dad who raised me was a bills fan.
My birth mother and her family, who I obviously have had reunion with their
massive, huge bills fans.
Right. Then I meet you guys and you're all crazy, crazy bills fans too.
So I love that. The only thing that makes you nervous is like a bills game.
(05:56):
Yeah. Well, now even Alabama does right. When I'm watching them,
when it moves in, like they did.
I love it. Well, it's, I think it's funny, too, because when I met you all and
I saw how crazy my sweet grandma is about sports,
I remember my family looked at me because I'm like a pee-in-your-pants crazy sports fan.
(06:20):
So watching all you guys, I'm like, this is genetic. This is a genetic trait
you have passed to me. I'm a crazy, crazy sports fan.
So the cool thing is we're just – I'm taping this, obviously,
but in post-production, I can take anything out that we want in here.
I will just get some guardrails for our conversation and disclaimers for anybody
listening, because this is exciting for me, too, and nerve wracking because
(06:43):
it's the first time that I've had anybody from anybody from my family on.
So thank you for saying yes. I am excited.
And I also think it's important. Obviously, you know that I started this podcast
last year after I got my whole story, which you finally gave me,
which we'll talk about those moments. We'll talk about those today.
(07:03):
But you know that I started this because I started to realize there was all
these other adoptees that exist out there, some younger than me that are still
going through. Let me take a picture of us.
Some of them are going through like the same things that I went through growing
up and also into my adult age.
(07:24):
And what is crazy to me is a lot of us share the same feelings,
which is as kids, we just kind of go forward and go with the flow and do what
our parents tell us. And that's what kids do, right?
But then when we get older and we become our own people, maybe even starting
having kids and families of our own and life starts happening,
some of us, me especially, I started to get re-engaged in wondering the story
(07:48):
around the circumstances of my adoption.
So I always was curious and it's gone up and down over the years.
But in 2020 in particular, I got really curious about my ethnicity,
which is what made me, at the prodding of my family, do the Ancestry DNA test.
So again, anybody listening that knows my side of the story,
(08:10):
they know that I did an Ancestry DNA test and then eventually found out my ethnicity,
which was super mixed, thanks to your side of the family.
But that was the first time I had validation that I have African ancestry.
And it was the first time that I had validation that I was indeed mixed,
not white like I was told when I was growing up.
So I did not expect that I was going to start searching for people that were
(08:34):
tied to my ancestry, but as, as my curious self, you know, of course did,
I started to send out messages to people that I connected with on the DNA side.
And, you know, yes, somebody said, I don't know who your mom is,
but I know you come from this family and our tree, you know,
(08:54):
they started giving me information about the family tree. And then one thing led to another.
And I started Googling every name I could find. And one night we landed on your picture.
And I was there with, you know, my significant other who said, that's him.
He had like goosebumps. And we totally knew that you were him.
(09:14):
And I sent you a message on Facebook.
So maybe we can start there. air i guess i feel
like since this episode it's the first time that i
am having somebody on from my family but it's also not i always
say everything from my perspective because it's the only thing that i've like
known about is my side of the story until i met you you
know i met my birth mother a long time before i met you
she found me but she wasn't very forthcoming with the
(09:37):
story so i still didn't know the story even though i had that reunion
with my birth mother's side of the family it wasn't until
i met you that i started to like put in together all
the missing pieces so thank you for your reaction to
me when i slid into the dm and i'm like hey i
think i might be your daughter so can you i don't
know if you were able to tell us what the
(09:57):
heck that day felt like getting a message well um
i'm getting goosebumps now it shouldn't be well when i saw the facebook you
know direct message i immediately said yes that's my daughter you know because
there there was enough information there that was evident that, yes.
(10:18):
And I believe what it said, you know, because you knew the birth mother.
You know, you said her name. I said, yeah, I know her.
I know the baby. Yeah. So I think I wrote back him. It was exactly what I wrote
back. Yeah, you're my daughter.
And, yeah, then we corresponded, you know, from there. But it was very exciting.
I have been always wondering if I would ever meet you again.
(10:42):
And then, you know, all I remember was a little big girl, right?
Little plump baby girl with the same head shape I got.
Because we have this big head.
Yeah. So. Were you nervous to get the message?
Because, like, my experience up until that point was my birth mother had a lot
(11:03):
of secrets from me. And she was operating off all of these promises that she
had given to her parents about, you know, what she'd be truthful with and what
she would take to the grave.
And she very much so was going to take you to the grave. Right.
I was never going to hear from her the story.
And you appeared to be like completely opposite.
(11:24):
So how were you so open? Was it because you told your family?
And again, just thinking about people that listen to the podcast,
there could be birth fathers that are out there that also went through what
you went through, which we'll talk about that in a little bit.
But like, and there's also people like me that try to reach out to people like
you and get totally denied the relationship.
(11:44):
So how were you able to respond to me with such an honest and open,
excited way and not like an embarrassed, nobody should know about you,
go away, you're a mistake, like horrible way that's deeply troubling to a lot of people.
I've talked to so many people that that's their experience. I feel lucky and
blessed that this is mine.
But it's mine because you responded how you responded. So how did you even do that?
(12:10):
Well, I felt that it was an instant of prayer. that we reconnected,
you know, because I would pray for that.
And then, you know, like I told you before, like if I'm walking down the street
and I see a little girl that looks like what I think you should look like,
or even an adult, I didn't get so much into the adults because they're adults,
but, you know, my mom was like, is that her?
(12:32):
Is that her? Is that her? You know, so I was excited and thankful that we reconnected.
And, you know, because we were in different towns at the time.
I couldn't wait to see face to face.
Yeah. And at the time, obviously, you were married. You had two kids of your
own that were significantly, I mean, they were teenagers at the time.
Did everybody, did they know about me or did you have to tell them?
(12:57):
Yeah, they knew, you know, that I had a baby when I was 21 years old.
And they knew that the baby was adopted away. way, they knew pretty much the
circumstance. Not so much my kids, but my wife did.
And she felt sympathetic for that.
(13:17):
And when we connected, I'm telling them all this stuff then.
And of course your brother and sister, they were happy.
And the other thing was you look so much like my daughter here.
You guys look like your deaf sister, no doubt of it.
You're just the older. you know they see
more i i would i just want to
(13:39):
say because this is a big topic in like the
adoption and foster world is if
we don't see people that look like us we don't feel like we necessarily necessarily
belong so you know i was adopted into a white family and even though they told
me i was white that flew with me for quite a long time but at some point i realized
(13:59):
it can take me too long to realize i really don't look like you all and all
my friends look like their their families and I see siblings that look alike
and even into my adult life,
I used to be so blown away by siblings or parent-child relationships when they looked alike.
I used to get so blown away and I never had that experience.
Somebody brought to my attention recently, the first biological person that
(14:21):
I ever met that was related to me, blood, would be when I gave birth to my first child.
So when I was 25 and I had my first baby, it was the first person after 25 years
that I was meeting that looks like me, that is mine, that is blood tied to me.
So it almost is like my connectivity to people started there.
And then five years later, I did meet my birth mother.
(14:44):
And by, well, however many, 15 years later, I obviously now know you guys,
but nobody in the whole story looked like me until I met you guys.
So I look like your side of the family. I look like your daughter,
my half-sister, and a brother. other.
So then I'll act like your mother.
(15:04):
I know. So, so, so your family, so you grew up with a brother,
a sister, and your mom raised you.
Can we talk a little bit about like your sort of like when I was born or maybe we'll go there because,
yeah, well, I guess maybe before there, is there anything else that you want
to say at the moment about like the reunion that would be helpful to to other
(15:28):
people that get contacted by or anybody else that finds themselves in your situation?
Because with technology now, knowing there's a whole lot of us that are looking
for a whole lot of you, I'm still struck that you were open,
you know, because you didn't have to be that way.
Well, first of all, that was a part of my life that was missing you.
(15:50):
So I was excited. I was I was happy, you know, thankful that,
you know, we got reconnected.
So that's what I, my immediate, you know, feelings were, oh,
here's a part of my life that I missed for those.
Wow. What was it? Like 30 years. 40. Yeah. Over 40. Yeah. 40,
(16:12):
which I don't want to tell your age.
But, yeah. You know what I mean? So, like, that's what happened for me.
Oh, well, here's a part of my life that I didn't have, you know.
So then when we got back together, I was like, okay, well, now we're starting
from here forward with life together.
Again, I was just happy, thankful, and felt, again, like I said,
(16:36):
my prayers were answered that now we can share life again together.
Because when you said you want to say something about the beginning,
like when you were a little baby, but that's a long story.
Well, your mom, birth mom, boyfriend and girlfriend.
We met in high school, and here's a little love story.
(16:57):
I remember walking down the hall in school, and I saw her from a distance,
and she just saw me smile, and I smiled back.
The thing was, I transferred from another school to the school she was going
to, and so, of course, I was one of the new guys, handsome, and an athlete.
(17:18):
I think she was attracted to athletes, like that type of thing.
But anyway, yeah, so, you know, we just said hi, whatever.
And then we would see each other in school and, you know, previously,
you know, got to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Actually, I was a year older, so I graduated.
And, you know, we still connected.
Yeah, actually, I went away to school to play football in college.
(17:39):
But when I come back in a, you know, break time, we hang out and everything.
So one of those break times, I came home and you were created.
How did you know that? Do you remember hearing, getting that call?
Well, let's see. Yeah, I do. It's a long time ago. You're old now.
(18:01):
You might be that old. I'm going to keep sitting.
No, it was like more, we were face-to-face when it happened.
Because the things that happened during the Christmas break,
I came back after that. It was like, yeah, did she?
Oh, it was like a face-to-face. Yeah, she was pregnant, yeah. And I believe it.
And of course, I'm excited. You know, at that time, you know,
being young, 20, 21, just having a baby was a big deal.
(18:24):
You know, I'm a man. I got a baby.
Your mother. How did your mom react? Well, you know, well, you know,
my mom, first thing she said, I don't take care of me.
Yeah, because you're the oldest. You're the oldest of the three. so.
And I you know I wasn't really working I was on an off-site job whatever you
(18:46):
know during my break from school you know my big thing was I wanted to you know
go to college play football I didn't want to start working,
but anyway so but because this happened I switched colleges came back home to
be closer to your birth mother and I was back at home and I went to school there too,
(19:09):
And, you know, her, she's young. She was at home at her mother's house.
I had my own apartment. I was a young guy.
You had your bachelor pad?
I had my bachelor's pad. I had another guy roommate that was at my house,
and he was also on the football team with me.
And we both were halfbacks. I was one halfback on one side, his halfback on the other side.
(19:33):
And I got to admit, you know, we had girlfriends.
So, but when, but I really liked your birth month.
So I didn't really play around too much when I was young, you know,
and, but she was really my, she was, I think we call them my main squeeze,
right? That's your main squeeze. Yeah.
(19:54):
So, but we had fun, you know, we did our thing, you know, have our weekends
or whatever, because, you know, she was still in high school.
Then when she got out of high school, you know, we would see each other more.
But because she was white you know of course back then
in you know 75 76 that was
not a popular thing to have interracial
(20:15):
couples so it was kind of hard on her i mean for me it was cool you know now
my mother never raised me to be racist but black people were cautious because
they knew from history things would happen if there was an interracial couple
one was that the being would be aborted.
If it was on the flip side, the female was white.
(20:39):
Of course, if the female was Black, we kept the kid.
That's what we did. That was just tradition in Black history. So.
As far as my thinking was, that was it. This is my baby. I have a responsibility.
It was all natural. I did the thing. So we got pregnant.
And now we do the next step and go ahead on and, you know, raise the baby with us.
(21:05):
So how soon into the, like, after her announcement, how soon afterwards were
you aware that she was like, I'm not having this baby or not keeping this baby?
Be and i mean how did that is anything once you
guys you were young so i don't know if you even i don't know how young people
have the words to communicate this stuff sometimes but if if you're not talking
(21:28):
to your parents about it and getting like counseling and all the things one
would think could be helpful you obviously neither of you were getting that
so together you're making these decisions yeah was it soon after you found out
that But where were you when you first came here?
Down there. And then she, you know, said something to me.
(21:48):
Now, there was other girls that some of my friends had that were her friends.
And a couple of them already had babies. And so she would communicate with them a lot.
So eventually she revealed to me what was going on.
Of course, the parents didn't know anything about it. But now she had a bump. and
you know i'm you know i'm all
(22:09):
ready to have the baby you know it's okay well next step
would be take care of you have a baby but of
course you know her feelings weren't that well i can't
tell my mom my mom you know give her a hard time she didn't have any answers
from that side but she just knew that what the deal would happen on her side
was unallowable yeah again back then you know 40 years ago that was kind of
(22:33):
like i was if you weren't married you weren't supposed to have a baby number one.
And if it was interracial, that was definitely a no-no.
So if I remember correctly, I
think she had talked with one of her sisters even before she told her mom.
And once, you know, her sister found out, she was like, oh, boy.
Now she had some, like you're saying, counseling, but it wasn't keep the baby counseling.
(22:57):
It was like, we got to hear this, you know.
And so she was really confused, your birth mother. Of course,
I tried to comfort her and help her through as much as I could.
But she was confused because she was a young girl, you know.
And because a couple of our mutual friends, couples, and racial couples, too, they had babies.
One girl, especially. And one guy was my good friend.
(23:21):
We all would hang together.
She had a baby, so it was okay. Do you remember, was it a supportive family
situation, or was she also?
Yeah, do you remember? her? Well, I believe her one shift that was closer to
her age was she was kind of supportive and excited because they didn't have
(23:41):
any kids. She had older sisters. They didn't have kids.
Now there's going to be a kid in our family. So it was kind of like that.
But then it was well, what's mom going to say?
How's mom going to react? That was kind of like what was going on for a while.
But the bigger the bump got, the less they could hide it.
So I know your birth mom and I would talk about it and i will let him know hey
(24:04):
we're going to have this bait you know that's what we're going to do,
And she was okay with that, with me. But I think when she would go back home
or be with her sisters, she was getting a different, you know,
feeling about it. And eventually she told her mom.
And, you know, that's when everything hit the fan.
Why? Because her mom, you know, she really, she was upset. You know,
(24:26):
here's her little sweet, her baby girl like that.
Now pregnant out of, you know, wedlock to a black guy. Yeah.
So that was really, you know, because she knew we were dating.
Did you ever meet her parents? I did. You know, like, you know,
we had to, you know, actually sneak around a lot to, you know, have our fun.
(24:48):
But then, you know, eventually she knew because I was calling the house.
Back in them days, we had landlines, no cell phones, no practice.
So I would call her mom, answer the phone, whatever. or whatever.
So she just, she didn't really like your relationship, but she knew she couldn't
control it because your grandma would either sneak around to see me.
(25:09):
Like we would come over at my place. I could go over to their place.
I would maybe come by and pick her up outside.
We'd go in the house, that type of thing. Yeah. Yeah, so.
It is. I mean, what I told myself like when I started, you know,
when I was little and started to be curious, I was always aware I was adopted,
But I never knew the story behind it, which always bothered me.
And I'm meeting now with so many other adoptees that, you know,
(25:32):
loving whatever type of family they were adopted into.
Mine was, you know, kind, loving.
I've met many people who did not have loving and kind families, which is like.
It's horrible, regardless of what the stories are. We wind up being curious.
Who do I look like? Where do I come from? Some of us more than others.
(25:53):
But, you know, now there's so much research, which is why we're all speaking
out now, is to say this is my experience.
So you can learn and do better next time, make better policies and things like that. that.
So I always try to give a little bit of room now that everything was always from my perspective.
But then when I did this search and I reached out to you, it opened up such
a box because so many people are connected to the one little baby,
(26:16):
me, in these situations.
So when you open up the box of search and reunion, there's decade old family
secrets that are blowing up and people that are getting upset and things like that.
So I was only able to do this search when I I started to focus on myself and
not worry I was going to offend my parents who raised me.
I could not worry about offending my birth mother. This was about me and my journey and my search.
(26:38):
Now that I know you and I continue to have a relationship with my birth mother,
I feel like there's a little bit of healing that's been able to happen even on her side.
So she had the secrecy. She was sworn to secrecy and she decided to adhere to
the secrecy for all of her reasons. and I've just sort of been able,
people ask me like, how are you not so mad at her for holding the secret?
(27:00):
And I'm like, her story is her story, right? So she can live with her decisions.
She was able to somehow track down me. I have no idea how she's kind of told
me the story of tracking me down.
I'm not sure how it happened, but she tracked me down somehow and still was
secretive when she found me, which I was super resentful for, right?
(27:21):
Because I'm like, I want not the whole story and you're not giving me the whole
story. So I always was thinking like, I'm not worthy of the truth.
Everybody's lying to me with holding information for me.
Which, again, is a theme that I keep hearing amongst all of us that are not
all of us, but so many of us that are adopted.
You know, these people just get us and make up our names and our stories.
And it's like total erasure of any life before the second that I was adopted.
(27:47):
Right. So in my case, I was born October 13th. My adoption date was December 21st.
Ultimately, my birth mother obviously kept me and you guys moved in together.
And you have a family, a little family for a month. So, right.
Yeah, that was, well, for me, that was a big deal just to be close with her and do what we did.
(28:08):
Because I had a pretty exciting time of life as a young guy.
You were like ready to settle into family life. Well, yeah, because it was time
to pick up my responsibility.
Number one, that was, I mean, that's just how I was raised. You know,
this is my responsibility.
I created this little baby. I got to take care of it, you know. but
I was living with my roommate and my football buddy but actually I kicked him
(28:32):
out I said hey my girl's gonna move in we're gonna have this baby we gotta change
I gotta change my lifestyle because I was in a pretty wild lifestyle back in
the day I was a black hippie.
And all that it probably like terrified her and her family oh yeah like her family definitely
and she was you know she used to think it was cute laugh at
(28:54):
it you know and that type of thing but like
i this is my thought i'm curious what you think about this so
let's just pretend like i i try to really put shoes on the other feet and be
empathetic to other people's situations yeah so i'm not like just pissed off
all the time otherwise i'd be like pissed off all the time right because i'd
be mad that my nothing about this it isn't it isn't so let's just let's let's just pretend that you,
(29:21):
your character was of such that her family, let's just pretend that it wasn't
anything to do about you being black.
Let's just pretend. And it was just the fact that she was young and she.
You were, you know, a party playboy. Let's just pretend all those things are true.
There are people that I have met and that I stories that I now know that I like
(29:42):
live in this space and I'm speaking out in that circumstance.
If she wants to give the baby up for adoption or terminate the baby,
it winds up being her choice.
When she says, I relinquish the baby to the adoption agency.
Do you believe that there is an onus on the adoption agency to vet out the other
side of the story to see if you gave permission, number one,
and or if there was anybody in your family that could take this baby.
(30:04):
So this said baby, me, is connected to its biological roots.
Do you feel like that should be? Because that's like part of the conversation
these days is people are just relinquishing babies, right or wrong,
necessary or not, or removing babies from home, right or wrong, necessary or not.
And then they're just quickly getting like adopted off into to permanent situations and
that was deemed better than searching you out and
(30:27):
trying to find anybody on the other side of the family the father's side
of the family to see if there's any any way that you can be you know that baby
can be can remain with biological family do you do what are your thoughts on
that because that's a deep conversation that's not really going on today yeah
the onus on on these agencies to find family.
(30:49):
Yeah. Right. It takes two people to tango. So if one is coming in.
You know, handing off a baby, where's the other side. Yeah.
And there, I don't, I don't know, but, but based on what I've sort of dug up
directly with the agency that handled manned option, I don't think they looked for you.
Well, I don't know either.
(31:11):
I wasn't involved, but from what I understand, well, Well, there's two things.
Yeah, I think that it should be that way. And maybe nowadays things might be
a little different because we're a little bit more progressed in this area, I would hope.
Let me just tell you something. When I started conversing, you know,
(31:31):
communicating with people about this topic and my story and letting them know
this, I'm literally talking now and sharing the story because I found out these things still do exist.
Oh, really? OK. because yeah yeah that wasn't true that's why i think it's important
for our story to be shared in other stories like ours because this used to happen
and it's still happening happening,
(31:55):
so i'm not like super seeped there are definitely advocates that are doing a
lot of really good work to make sure that like the charts are open the truth
is preserved reserved. It's available for adoptees.
It's state-wide laws.
So they vary from state to state. Obviously, I was born in New York.
It was a very closed adoption state.
Whereas in other places, it could have always been, there could have been,
(32:18):
I met somebody when I was in high school who adopted a child and it was an open adoption.
And I remember being floored at the time. I was probably 18 years old.
And I was like, you know who her birth mother is? How does that happen?
I thought everything was secret.
And they were like, no, in our case, we're open. So it's all case by case and
it varies, but I think there's still like, it's a big booming business if you
(32:39):
think about the adoption industry.
There's so many people making so much money off these babies being passed around. There's attorneys.
There's somebody that I follow on Instagram and recently she calls out like
all the ugly side of the transactional, the transaction-ness of passing a human
(33:01):
from one family to another.
And listen, there's people out there that call it like complete trafficking,
of babies. You're taking a baby.
And you're selling it to another person. And I saw on Instagram recently that somebody commented,
one of the horrible things that I see happening on Instagram is that when we
adoptees are speaking out about our experiences, there are people that are trolling
(33:25):
adoptees online in some cases, and they're questioning the stories and the perspectives.
So for example, if I'm sharing my story, somebody could hear me talk about it.
And the only thing that some people will say back to me is you should be grateful
that you were raised in such a nice loving family and they gave you all the
opportunity in the world yes and I was stolen from my dad and you know there
(33:49):
was a whole family that was there ready to accept me I think you told me the story about one of your,
aunties who was like I will help you and I I will be able I can financially
afford to help raise this baby so I was shocked when you told me like your side
of the story of course which the only only conclusion is I was totally taken
from you and nobody did any due diligence to find you.
(34:13):
And, and on the other side, my parents who couldn't have biological children,
who my mom couldn't, it was my mom.
She had a hysterectomy when she was younger and she couldn't have children of her own.
And there are definitely adoptees out there that are saying,
you people need to rethink how you're building your families,
the other people's babies.
(34:33):
And when I started to like read all that stuff, just within the last year or
two, It was so deep and it's horrible.
And then it makes me think about how that's exactly what my parents did.
And I love them, you know, because I think they did they know?
Didn't they know? I'll never know if they knew your story.
But yeah, I don't want it to happen to somebody else. Another birth father and fathers.
(34:54):
We have such a horrible, you know, media did a horrible job of portraying black fathers as it is.
So when you have one that wanted to stand up and literally the right was taken
from him, I think it's it's something that needs to be stopped.
Yeah, no, it was definitely devastating for me. Like what happened was.
Tell me, tell us, tell us in your words, because I know, and if anybody wants
(35:16):
to hear my whole personal essay, they can listen to it in season one, episode four.
I read my personal essay, but for somebody listening to this today and hearing
your voice, tell us what happened to you that night you came home.
Well, yeah, like we were saying, I kicked all my buddies out.
Just me, your birth mother, and then you came.
Well, actually, there's a little story back at that time, too.
(35:39):
But let me put that in there. Okay, so what happened to you?
We were living together, your birth mom and I.
And then you, oh, yeah, it was right closer to the time when you were supposed to be born.
Anyway, she went back home to her mom's house.
(35:59):
I don't know why, but she went back. But I kept telling her throughout that
time, like, okay, well, don't get an abortion.
But that was being kind of fed to her at that time. So she was having a hard
time. Should I hand the abortion? Should I keep the baby? You know,
all these different things.
But anyway, she did keep the baby. So I told her that I would take the baby.
And my family, we would take care of the baby.
(36:21):
That's our baby, you know, right?
So anyway, she went to the hospital. She, you know, got in labor, went to hospital, died.
They didn't, well, from what I understand, her mother just didn't want me to
be a part of it. Your birth mom's mom. So they didn't tell me.
But then your birth mom's, you know, older sister that's right close to her
(36:41):
age, they called me and said, hey, your birth mom's in the hospital. She had a baby.
I'm like, what? So I go over to the hospital.
And you know good thing that your birth mom mom was not there but her sister
was there so I can come in and look at the baby and all that stuff I don't think
I did that you came in the hospital?
(37:02):
Yeah because I found out like through the birth mom's older sister that was
right close to her age yeah then I came up there you know but you know the birth mom's mom went there
but her older sister was there so it was okay I guess that's why she called
me because the coast was clear so I could come over.
But she worked with those a lot. I got to give her credit. She tried to help
(37:23):
her little sister out. And she, you know, saw I wanted to be father, you know.
Anyway, but it was just like a quick thing. And then I went.
Back home because, if I remember correctly, your birth mom was told that if
she had the baby, she couldn't bring the baby back to her mama's house.
So she had to come to the mom's.
So I'm already, I mean, I had a little crib. We had a special,
(37:45):
we had, I think, two or three bedroom apartment.
But there was a bedroom set up for the baby and the crib and all that kind of stuff.
I was one of my buddies when I had to check them out. So that was why.
No longer a bachelor pad. No, no longer a bachelor pad.
It was not at all it became a home you know and back then common law was part
(38:09):
of how we did it so we just got together and we did it and anyway so,
she had to come back to my house because she could not take you,
back to her mother's house so she came to my house so we were there for a month
and I gotta tell you she didn't know what she was doing first time mother and
she didn't have any kids in her family And her mom left her like a baby.
(38:33):
Her mom cut her off and she wasn't supporting anything.
Now her sister, her older sister, did.
She was still in communication with her. So basically, her birth mom was devastated.
First of all, this brand new life right here. But then her family cut her off.
You know, as far as the deal. They did this out the family.
(38:54):
So anyway, we're at the house. We're doing our thing.
Now I I was working, you know, then I got a second job when, uh.
Your birth mom, and you came home. You know, I kind of look back at it.
I think, well, she must have been having a hard time when she was there by herself.
Even, like, changing diapers was a big, you know, thing for her.
(39:16):
But then my family tried to pitch in a little bit, much of, you know,
everybody couldn't, like, my brother, for sure, because he was young,
but he wasn't doing anything.
But he, like, babies, he would babysit for different family members, so he would help.
My mother couldn't be any help because she was working, you know.
She was a hardworking single mother, so he had to work.
But I did have one out that mentioned she was going to help me out she would
(39:39):
help take care of you because I take care of her kids sometimes because she
worked for a bit but at that point she was available to work I mean to help.
Take care of you and we kind of had to lay it out where,
I would have to bring you to her and that discussion came up when your birth
mom was having a hard time,
do I want to keep the baby, not want to keep the baby me
(40:01):
and i kept saying no we keep in this bait you know
and i got people that take care of her because
you know i didn't know what i was doing either really but you know
i had my family's gonna help me out but you know you know so what happened was
i'm at work one day and you know tired working two jobs come home like it was
(40:21):
at night dark i can't remember now 11 o'clock at night or something and the
apartment's empty. You know, nobody's there.
You're not there. Your birth mom's not there. All her clothes are gone.
And I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm freaking out now.
I tried to call her, but I get no answer. You know, I was trying to call her
(40:42):
for days. She wouldn't answer the phone.
And her home phone. You're calling the home phone. I do remember a couple of
times I'm hoping to answer the phone and yell at me and hang the phone up or something like that.
You know, so I didn't know what happened. You know, I didn't know what was going on. I had no idea.
So, you know, some time went on, went by.
(41:04):
And then your birth mom, she contacted me and told me what happened.
How long was this? Do you remember how long this was after? Well,
it was maybe a couple of months at the most, something like that.
Because, you know, she, now she was starting to, you know, she was feeling bad anyway, for sure.
And she had nobody's shoulder to cry on because the adoption was part of the way it was.
(41:30):
That's how they did it. Black baby.
So then she contacted me and then she finally told me what happened.
And we were crying on each other's shoulder or a night when we would see each other.
And she would have to sneak over to my house.
But what she told me was that she had to adopt the baby because you know she
(41:52):
was going to get cut off from her family but she didn't know where you were
that was like part of the deal,
Oh, incidentally, going back to birthday, I meant to say this.
I wasn't on the birth certificate.
The birth certificate said, I know I'm kind of jumping around, but we can fix that.
Oh, good. I'm tracking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That, you know, your birth mom's name
(42:15):
was on it, but my name was not on the birth certificate.
So you're talking about advocating for, you know, the fathers that don't get
consulted about the situation.
But that's one reason why they couldn't consult me because they didn't know
who I was on the birth certificate. And your mom's parents weren't going to
say, oh, well, it's this guy here. They didn't want it, no.
They wanted to totally, you know, take me out of the equation.
(42:38):
So I would think that maybe some of the situations, that's what the deal is.
They want to take the father out of the equation.
Or perhaps maybe the father is a diddy dad type guy. He doesn't want to be able
to. He doesn't want the baby.
And I always say that's part of like the disclaimer of this
conversation is we don't know know and we don't
assume you know so so who knows however
(43:01):
yeah what we do know is they
I mean so what I don't know is if somebody advised her to leave your name off
so she could be in control her and her family could be in control ultimately
of the decision or I don't know I I mean that that to me is one of the issues
and there could be somebody that ultimately listens to this and knows this answer.
(43:24):
I do remember there's an organization called the Archie Project,
and I saw a video one day that they created, and it was a mother,
a young pregnant woman, who the video was capturing her real story of having
the baby, relinquishing the baby.
It was like this wrenching video to watch because it was the first time I've
(43:45):
ever seen that transaction happen.
What also also is needs to be like eradicated is.
Some of these players in the adoption industry prey on people like my birth
mother, so they can get her to relinquish her baby.
(44:06):
So now they have a commodity to sell, right?
And a lawyer is involved and a judge is involved. There's so much transactional
dollars that fly around over this adoption.
And there are people that would rather see her relinquish the baby than even
look for you. and potentially, or there's another concept that's mind-blowing
(44:28):
that people don't even think about this first.
What if you helped her and her family or you guys as a young family,
young families like yours, and gave you guys the money to support your young family, right?
That should exist. That should be the first option is to help the baby and the
young family stay intact, get the proper education for being parents.
(44:50):
I mean, when I had my kids, I went to birthing classes and I went to all these
things to ensure that I was reading books and making sure that I was totally prepared.
So, you know, what if it existed that you had support, you know,
at 19 and 21 years old to, you know, to do this?
They'll pay a foster family to take me and they'll accept and people can then buy me and adopt me.
(45:13):
But they won't give you a dollar to help you create the home and get the education
that you need to be a parent. And I do know that there's people actively trying
to make sure that that's an option because adoption should be the last resort, not the first.
And what we see happens, I'm not saying this is every case, but what happens,
like in my parents' case, my parents couldn't have biological children.
(45:35):
They wanted to have a family.
Adoption, you know, infertility treatments, all these things.
People actually go for it.
I believe people might even go for infertility treatments. adoption
almost becomes like the in some cases the
last effort to make the family that you always wanted again
at your at your expense yeah so so so she's gone so at this point in the story
(45:58):
she's gone she has reconnected to tell you what happened and everybody kind
of parts ways what happened to you like mentally at that moment and physically
because i know that you ultimately left,
buffalo so what and i'm asking because i met you and i remember i felt so bad
for you when i met you and i heard this story that this was your experience
(46:20):
so against kind of acknowledging,
the birth parents out there who either the mothers who carried and then relinquished
for the fathers who had or didn't have any access what happens because your whole life is.
With this like horrible thing that happened? Did you tell yourself like my baby's
been stolen and, or did you just have to kind of cut it off and move on?
(46:42):
Like what happened to you?
Well, I had to, you know, I had to adjust, you know, my feelings,
my emotions, because I was really upset.
You know, I was hurt, you know, for two reasons.
You know, one of them is that it'll just happen, you know, cause I was looking
forward to a family, you know, I'm a family guy.
I like, I love family. I love, you know, I just thought that our relationship
(47:05):
with your birth mom and I could carry on.
So here I lose, you know, her, I lose the baby.
And now here I am all by myself, you know, young guy, you know,
I was in college, but, you know, my finished college.
And then I just felt like I wanted to leave town.
You know, I just wanted to get
out of that area. Of course, it was a town that wasn't really like L.A.
(47:31):
Or New York. So it was like an old country, funky town, you know, Buffalo.
But so I actually left them with their wife, you know. I went to actually help
build a house because I was in the construction at that time.
So I'm going to help, you know, someone build a house and fell in love with Hawaii.
(47:51):
I kind of had this, you know, thing of kind of forget about everything.
So I stayed in Hawaii for actually 20 years.
But i just had to get away you know i had to escape you know
the memories you know because just being in that area i mean
i felt that i would be and that's what i did anyway i've been like i mentioned
i would be looking at little kids had you know light skin you know pretty eyes
(48:18):
you know is that my baby you know and you know that would do that a lot i just
i couldn't i can't imagine I can't imagine thinking about having to exist,
having kids of my own, if they were like gone. I don't, I can't comprehend.
Right. You know, it was like that. And the thing was now, if,
you know, a baby would have died, that's one thing you have to deal with that,
(48:39):
except that, but here, baby didn't die.
She's someplace. Yeah. And I wanted to be with her.
I wanted to, you know, hold a little baby, wanted to change them diapers,
you know, and everything.
That I, you know, just wanted to raise, you know, my baby, you know.
But I didn't get that chance, you know. So I was, you know, kind of messed up in the head a little bit.
(49:04):
Emotionally, for sure, you know. One good thing I can say is my family around
me, they were very supportive of me, you know.
But one thing I do notice, too, that I'll say, it was almost like that was how
things went back then, especially in a racial issue.
Like, oh, well, that's what happened, you know.
I might never necessarily said that, but that was just felt like a feeling for me back then.
(49:29):
As you know, you know, back then was a heavy, you know, civil rights thing going
on and black and whites didn't mingle legally.
The kind of shit went on to slave days.
But this was different. You know, I didn't expect this, you know.
So, yeah, I was hurt and I just felt lost. Like I said, I was looking around
(49:51):
for my little baby. I want to find my baby. Where's my baby?
Where's my baby? You know?
Yeah. I was not included in it.
Oh, that was such a good conversation. And I was so nervous.
I did not know what to expect when we got on camera.
So I hope you found some peace in there that perhaps resonates with you and
your story. So you don't feel like you're on this journey alone.
(50:13):
We talked so much, which I found out, I come from a long line of chatty Cathy's.
So I've decided to break the episode into two.
And I hope that you come back and listen to the second part of our conversation.
Music.
(50:58):
For the gain of others is so purposeful.
I'm humbled by the opportunity to uncover my roots that were meticulously concealed for decades.
I continue to say nobody should have to endure a prolonged search or go through
such arduous efforts to uncover their own history.
So I hope you enjoyed this part one. I also hope that you can find some time to join us for part two.
(51:19):
Music.
And I do want to also acknowledge, I understand the sensitivity of this topic
and I am committed to continuing to create space that respects all adoptee stories.
So whether you found what you were looking for, you found nothing,
or you faced a reunion that might've been different than what you imagined,
(51:40):
I really do need it. Please reach out.
I feel very much so that I'm here to support and the Adoptee Diaries was created
to stand as a platform for your stories too.
So thank you so much for listening. find us on Instagram, send me a message.
I am here for you and I'll see you soon.
Music.
(00:30):
Discussions, my number one purpose is to create a safe space for adoptees to
share their stories and connect with others who understand, so they're not left navigating alone.
This podcast also serves to inform the broader adoption constellation of what.
Music.
Our collective lived experience looks like, so they can support us,
raise us, teach us, and care for us better, ultimately giving us the option
(00:52):
to live fully supported,
informed, full, and connected lives. lives.
We believe that by shedding light on the challenges and triumphs of adoption,
we can inspire hope, healing, and a sense of belonging for all those impacted.
So come along on this journey of self-discovery with me. Thank you so much for being here.
Music.
(01:14):
Hello, everyone. I'm so excited to be back for season two of The Adoptee Diaries.
I hope 2024 has been gentle so far.
I am truly grateful for the support that you've poured into the Adoptee Diaries
throughout the past year.
Your feedback has fueled my determination to keep these conversations alive.
(01:34):
As a reminder, this podcast serves as a safe space for adoptees to share,
a learning ground for adoptive parents, and a resource hub for industry professionals,
all with the overarching aim of cultivating lives rooted in truth,
trust, and transparency.
Music.
I am so excited to kick off Season 2 with a very special guest.
(01:56):
Today, I am joined by my birth father for an open discussion about our shared
story from each of our perspectives and the unbreakable ties that bind us.
Our journey restarted in 2020 when I took an ancestry DNA test,
which was over 40 years after our initial separation, when my birth mother,
(02:16):
without his knowledge or consent, sent took me. I was six weeks old.
He'd never see me again until I found him.
For more details on my search and reunion journey.
Music.
(02:42):
This chapter of our lives. He accepted my connection with open arms,
and I acknowledge that this opportunity is so rare.
Many of you have bravely shared your own search outcomes, and due to the laws
in place during my adoption, the system succeeded in erasing anything that occurred
before my ultimate adoption when I was 10 weeks old.
(03:03):
Making critical information like medical, history, ethnicity,
everything. It was a mystery.
My story, like so many others, revolves around intentional omissions,
around layers of secrets.
Even when my birth mother found me in 2005, details about my birth father were
guarded, leaving me grappling with the mystery of my own adoption, my own ethnicity.
(03:26):
Given the intentional secrecy, I understand that this really It really is a
privilege today to know my biological father, to know my culture,
to have the opportunity to see people who look like me and in some cases act like me. Grandma!
Unfortunately, I've discovered that withholding information still persists and
the family separation continues to be in practice.
(03:47):
If it's true that our bodies keep the score, we adoptees bear weary bodies. bodies.
So today, my birth father and I share our story of love, loss, search, and reunion.
With so much ground to cover, I had to break the conversation up into two episodes.
(04:08):
I hope that you are able to find peace in our story.
Even though there is pain, we are healing, and it is our hope that you do too.
Thank you for being here.
Welcome to the Adopt Me Diaries, birth father.
Well, it's good to be here. You're very brave for saying yes.
(04:29):
I was trying to think this morning how I even, I don't even know how this happened.
Did we just randomly have a text exchange and I said, do you want to be on the
podcast? And you said yes. And that was that?
Yeah. That's what I had on mute. So I mentioned it and I asked.
As you talked about it, even like last year, that that would be a good thing
for us to do, but we just never scheduled it.
So the other day you texted and said something. And I say, yes.
(04:51):
And here I am. Are you nervous?
Well, I think I'm excited.
Yeah, not really nervous. I'm more like excited about, you know, talking to you.
Now I can see you, not because we talk on the phone or, you know,
but this is cool. Do you get nervous?
Do you even get nervous about stuff or are you just kind of like kind of cool?
(05:11):
No, no, I get nervous. Yeah, I get nervous.
Like, you know, I can't think right now, but I mean, yeah. I got to get nervous
maybe before the Bills game or during the Bills game.
Oh, my gosh. Okay, so that's going to be wonderful.
I'm totally leaving that in in post-production when I edit this.
We're leaving that in because it's important for everybody to know.
Anybody that knows my story knows that I always talk about I was born in Buffalo in the 70s.
(05:36):
And it's been the bills that my dad who raised me was a bills fan.
My birth mother and her family, who I obviously have had reunion with their
massive, huge bills fans.
Right. Then I meet you guys and you're all crazy, crazy bills fans too.
So I love that. The only thing that makes you nervous is like a bills game.
(05:56):
Yeah. Well, now even Alabama does right. When I'm watching them,
when it moves in, like they did.
I love it. Well, it's, I think it's funny, too, because when I met you all and
I saw how crazy my sweet grandma is about sports,
I remember my family looked at me because I'm like a pee-in-your-pants crazy sports fan.
(06:20):
So watching all you guys, I'm like, this is genetic. This is a genetic trait
you have passed to me. I'm a crazy, crazy sports fan.
So the cool thing is we're just – I'm taping this, obviously,
but in post-production, I can take anything out that we want in here.
I will just get some guardrails for our conversation and disclaimers for anybody
listening, because this is exciting for me, too, and nerve wracking because
(06:43):
it's the first time that I've had anybody from anybody from my family on.
So thank you for saying yes. I am excited.
And I also think it's important. Obviously, you know that I started this podcast
last year after I got my whole story, which you finally gave me,
which we'll talk about those moments. We'll talk about those today.
(07:03):
But you know that I started this because I started to realize there was all
these other adoptees that exist out there, some younger than me that are still
going through. Let me take a picture of us.
Some of them are going through like the same things that I went through growing
up and also into my adult age.
(07:24):
And what is crazy to me is a lot of us share the same feelings,
which is as kids, we just kind of go forward and go with the flow and do what
our parents tell us. And that's what kids do, right?
But then when we get older and we become our own people, maybe even starting
having kids and families of our own and life starts happening,
some of us, me especially, I started to get re-engaged in wondering the story
(07:48):
around the circumstances of my adoption.
So I always was curious and it's gone up and down over the years.
But in 2020 in particular, I got really curious about my ethnicity,
which is what made me, at the prodding of my family, do the Ancestry DNA test.
So again, anybody listening that knows my side of the story,
(08:10):
they know that I did an Ancestry DNA test and then eventually found out my ethnicity,
which was super mixed, thanks to your side of the family.
But that was the first time I had validation that I have African ancestry.
And it was the first time that I had validation that I was indeed mixed,
not white like I was told when I was growing up.
So I did not expect that I was going to start searching for people that were
(08:34):
tied to my ancestry, but as, as my curious self, you know, of course did,
I started to send out messages to people that I connected with on the DNA side.
And, you know, yes, somebody said, I don't know who your mom is,
but I know you come from this family and our tree, you know,
(08:54):
they started giving me information about the family tree. And then one thing led to another.
And I started Googling every name I could find. And one night we landed on your picture.
And I was there with, you know, my significant other who said, that's him.
He had like goosebumps. And we totally knew that you were him.
(09:14):
And I sent you a message on Facebook.
So maybe we can start there. air i guess i feel
like since this episode it's the first time that i
am having somebody on from my family but it's also not i always
say everything from my perspective because it's the only thing that i've like
known about is my side of the story until i met you you
know i met my birth mother a long time before i met you
she found me but she wasn't very forthcoming with the
(09:37):
story so i still didn't know the story even though i had that reunion
with my birth mother's side of the family it wasn't until
i met you that i started to like put in together all
the missing pieces so thank you for your reaction to
me when i slid into the dm and i'm like hey i
think i might be your daughter so can you i don't
know if you were able to tell us what the
(09:57):
heck that day felt like getting a message well um
i'm getting goosebumps now it shouldn't be well when i saw the facebook you
know direct message i immediately said yes that's my daughter you know because
there there was enough information there that was evident that, yes.
(10:18):
And I believe what it said, you know, because you knew the birth mother.
You know, you said her name. I said, yeah, I know her.
I know the baby. Yeah. So I think I wrote back him. It was exactly what I wrote
back. Yeah, you're my daughter.
And, yeah, then we corresponded, you know, from there. But it was very exciting.
I have been always wondering if I would ever meet you again.
(10:42):
And then, you know, all I remember was a little big girl, right?
Little plump baby girl with the same head shape I got.
Because we have this big head.
Yeah. So. Were you nervous to get the message?
Because, like, my experience up until that point was my birth mother had a lot
(11:03):
of secrets from me. And she was operating off all of these promises that she
had given to her parents about, you know, what she'd be truthful with and what
she would take to the grave.
And she very much so was going to take you to the grave. Right.
I was never going to hear from her the story.
And you appeared to be like completely opposite.
(11:24):
So how were you so open? Was it because you told your family?
And again, just thinking about people that listen to the podcast,
there could be birth fathers that are out there that also went through what
you went through, which we'll talk about that in a little bit.
But like, and there's also people like me that try to reach out to people like
you and get totally denied the relationship.
(11:44):
So how were you able to respond to me with such an honest and open,
excited way and not like an embarrassed, nobody should know about you,
go away, you're a mistake, like horrible way that's deeply troubling to a lot of people.
I've talked to so many people that that's their experience. I feel lucky and
blessed that this is mine.
But it's mine because you responded how you responded. So how did you even do that?
(12:10):
Well, I felt that it was an instant of prayer. that we reconnected,
you know, because I would pray for that.
And then, you know, like I told you before, like if I'm walking down the street
and I see a little girl that looks like what I think you should look like,
or even an adult, I didn't get so much into the adults because they're adults,
but, you know, my mom was like, is that her?
(12:32):
Is that her? Is that her? You know, so I was excited and thankful that we reconnected.
And, you know, because we were in different towns at the time.
I couldn't wait to see face to face.
Yeah. And at the time, obviously, you were married. You had two kids of your
own that were significantly, I mean, they were teenagers at the time.
Did everybody, did they know about me or did you have to tell them?
(12:57):
Yeah, they knew, you know, that I had a baby when I was 21 years old.
And they knew that the baby was adopted away. way, they knew pretty much the
circumstance. Not so much my kids, but my wife did.
And she felt sympathetic for that.
(13:17):
And when we connected, I'm telling them all this stuff then.
And of course your brother and sister, they were happy.
And the other thing was you look so much like my daughter here.
You guys look like your deaf sister, no doubt of it.
You're just the older. you know they see
more i i would i just want to
(13:39):
say because this is a big topic in like the
adoption and foster world is if
we don't see people that look like us we don't feel like we necessarily necessarily
belong so you know i was adopted into a white family and even though they told
me i was white that flew with me for quite a long time but at some point i realized
(13:59):
it can take me too long to realize i really don't look like you all and all
my friends look like their their families and I see siblings that look alike
and even into my adult life,
I used to be so blown away by siblings or parent-child relationships when they looked alike.
I used to get so blown away and I never had that experience.
Somebody brought to my attention recently, the first biological person that
(14:21):
I ever met that was related to me, blood, would be when I gave birth to my first child.
So when I was 25 and I had my first baby, it was the first person after 25 years
that I was meeting that looks like me, that is mine, that is blood tied to me.
So it almost is like my connectivity to people started there.
And then five years later, I did meet my birth mother.
(14:44):
And by, well, however many, 15 years later, I obviously now know you guys,
but nobody in the whole story looked like me until I met you guys.
So I look like your side of the family. I look like your daughter,
my half-sister, and a brother. other.
So then I'll act like your mother.
(15:04):
I know. So, so, so your family, so you grew up with a brother,
a sister, and your mom raised you.
Can we talk a little bit about like your sort of like when I was born or maybe we'll go there because,
yeah, well, I guess maybe before there, is there anything else that you want
to say at the moment about like the reunion that would be helpful to to other
(15:28):
people that get contacted by or anybody else that finds themselves in your situation?
Because with technology now, knowing there's a whole lot of us that are looking
for a whole lot of you, I'm still struck that you were open,
you know, because you didn't have to be that way.
Well, first of all, that was a part of my life that was missing you.
(15:50):
So I was excited. I was I was happy, you know, thankful that,
you know, we got reconnected.
So that's what I, my immediate, you know, feelings were, oh,
here's a part of my life that I missed for those.
Wow. What was it? Like 30 years. 40. Yeah. Over 40. Yeah. 40,
(16:12):
which I don't want to tell your age.
But, yeah. You know what I mean? So, like, that's what happened for me.
Oh, well, here's a part of my life that I didn't have, you know.
So then when we got back together, I was like, okay, well, now we're starting
from here forward with life together.
Again, I was just happy, thankful, and felt, again, like I said,
(16:36):
my prayers were answered that now we can share life again together.
Because when you said you want to say something about the beginning,
like when you were a little baby, but that's a long story.
Well, your mom, birth mom, boyfriend and girlfriend.
We met in high school, and here's a little love story.
(16:57):
I remember walking down the hall in school, and I saw her from a distance,
and she just saw me smile, and I smiled back.
The thing was, I transferred from another school to the school she was going
to, and so, of course, I was one of the new guys, handsome, and an athlete.
(17:18):
I think she was attracted to athletes, like that type of thing.
But anyway, yeah, so, you know, we just said hi, whatever.
And then we would see each other in school and, you know, previously,
you know, got to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Actually, I was a year older, so I graduated.
And, you know, we still connected.
Yeah, actually, I went away to school to play football in college.
(17:39):
But when I come back in a, you know, break time, we hang out and everything.
So one of those break times, I came home and you were created.
How did you know that? Do you remember hearing, getting that call?
Well, let's see. Yeah, I do. It's a long time ago. You're old now.
(18:01):
You might be that old. I'm going to keep sitting.
No, it was like more, we were face-to-face when it happened.
Because the things that happened during the Christmas break,
I came back after that. It was like, yeah, did she?
Oh, it was like a face-to-face. Yeah, she was pregnant, yeah. And I believe it.
And of course, I'm excited. You know, at that time, you know,
being young, 20, 21, just having a baby was a big deal.
(18:24):
You know, I'm a man. I got a baby.
Your mother. How did your mom react? Well, you know, well, you know,
my mom, first thing she said, I don't take care of me.
Yeah, because you're the oldest. You're the oldest of the three. so.
And I you know I wasn't really working I was on an off-site job whatever you
(18:46):
know during my break from school you know my big thing was I wanted to you know
go to college play football I didn't want to start working,
but anyway so but because this happened I switched colleges came back home to
be closer to your birth mother and I was back at home and I went to school there too,
(19:09):
And, you know, her, she's young. She was at home at her mother's house.
I had my own apartment. I was a young guy.
You had your bachelor pad?
I had my bachelor's pad. I had another guy roommate that was at my house,
and he was also on the football team with me.
And we both were halfbacks. I was one halfback on one side, his halfback on the other side.
(19:33):
And I got to admit, you know, we had girlfriends.
So, but when, but I really liked your birth month.
So I didn't really play around too much when I was young, you know,
and, but she was really my, she was, I think we call them my main squeeze,
right? That's your main squeeze. Yeah.
(19:54):
So, but we had fun, you know, we did our thing, you know, have our weekends
or whatever, because, you know, she was still in high school.
Then when she got out of high school, you know, we would see each other more.
But because she was white you know of course back then
in you know 75 76 that was
not a popular thing to have interracial
(20:15):
couples so it was kind of hard on her i mean for me it was cool you know now
my mother never raised me to be racist but black people were cautious because
they knew from history things would happen if there was an interracial couple
one was that the being would be aborted.
If it was on the flip side, the female was white.
(20:39):
Of course, if the female was Black, we kept the kid.
That's what we did. That was just tradition in Black history. So.
As far as my thinking was, that was it. This is my baby. I have a responsibility.
It was all natural. I did the thing. So we got pregnant.
And now we do the next step and go ahead on and, you know, raise the baby with us.
(21:05):
So how soon into the, like, after her announcement, how soon afterwards were
you aware that she was like, I'm not having this baby or not keeping this baby?
Be and i mean how did that is anything once you
guys you were young so i don't know if you even i don't know how young people
have the words to communicate this stuff sometimes but if if you're not talking
(21:28):
to your parents about it and getting like counseling and all the things one
would think could be helpful you obviously neither of you were getting that
so together you're making these decisions yeah was it soon after you found out
that But where were you when you first came here?
Down there. And then she, you know, said something to me.
(21:48):
Now, there was other girls that some of my friends had that were her friends.
And a couple of them already had babies. And so she would communicate with them a lot.
So eventually she revealed to me what was going on.
Of course, the parents didn't know anything about it. But now she had a bump. and
you know i'm you know i'm all
(22:09):
ready to have the baby you know it's okay well next step
would be take care of you have a baby but of
course you know her feelings weren't that well i can't
tell my mom my mom you know give her a hard time she didn't have any answers
from that side but she just knew that what the deal would happen on her side
was unallowable yeah again back then you know 40 years ago that was kind of
(22:33):
like i was if you weren't married you weren't supposed to have a baby number one.
And if it was interracial, that was definitely a no-no.
So if I remember correctly, I
think she had talked with one of her sisters even before she told her mom.
And once, you know, her sister found out, she was like, oh, boy.
Now she had some, like you're saying, counseling, but it wasn't keep the baby counseling.
(22:57):
It was like, we got to hear this, you know.
And so she was really confused, your birth mother. Of course,
I tried to comfort her and help her through as much as I could.
But she was confused because she was a young girl, you know.
And because a couple of our mutual friends, couples, and racial couples, too, they had babies.
One girl, especially. And one guy was my good friend.
(23:21):
We all would hang together.
She had a baby, so it was okay. Do you remember, was it a supportive family
situation, or was she also?
Yeah, do you remember? her? Well, I believe her one shift that was closer to
her age was she was kind of supportive and excited because they didn't have
(23:41):
any kids. She had older sisters. They didn't have kids.
Now there's going to be a kid in our family. So it was kind of like that.
But then it was well, what's mom going to say?
How's mom going to react? That was kind of like what was going on for a while.
But the bigger the bump got, the less they could hide it.
So I know your birth mom and I would talk about it and i will let him know hey
(24:04):
we're going to have this bait you know that's what we're going to do,
And she was okay with that, with me. But I think when she would go back home
or be with her sisters, she was getting a different, you know,
feeling about it. And eventually she told her mom.
And, you know, that's when everything hit the fan.
Why? Because her mom, you know, she really, she was upset. You know,
(24:26):
here's her little sweet, her baby girl like that.
Now pregnant out of, you know, wedlock to a black guy. Yeah.
So that was really, you know, because she knew we were dating.
Did you ever meet her parents? I did. You know, like, you know,
we had to, you know, actually sneak around a lot to, you know, have our fun.
(24:48):
But then, you know, eventually she knew because I was calling the house.
Back in them days, we had landlines, no cell phones, no practice.
So I would call her mom, answer the phone, whatever. or whatever.
So she just, she didn't really like your relationship, but she knew she couldn't
control it because your grandma would either sneak around to see me.
(25:09):
Like we would come over at my place. I could go over to their place.
I would maybe come by and pick her up outside.
We'd go in the house, that type of thing. Yeah. Yeah, so.
It is. I mean, what I told myself like when I started, you know,
when I was little and started to be curious, I was always aware I was adopted,
But I never knew the story behind it, which always bothered me.
And I'm meeting now with so many other adoptees that, you know,
(25:32):
loving whatever type of family they were adopted into.
Mine was, you know, kind, loving.
I've met many people who did not have loving and kind families, which is like.
It's horrible, regardless of what the stories are. We wind up being curious.
Who do I look like? Where do I come from? Some of us more than others.
(25:53):
But, you know, now there's so much research, which is why we're all speaking
out now, is to say this is my experience.
So you can learn and do better next time, make better policies and things like that. that.
So I always try to give a little bit of room now that everything was always from my perspective.
But then when I did this search and I reached out to you, it opened up such
a box because so many people are connected to the one little baby,
(26:16):
me, in these situations.
So when you open up the box of search and reunion, there's decade old family
secrets that are blowing up and people that are getting upset and things like that.
So I was only able to do this search when I I started to focus on myself and
not worry I was going to offend my parents who raised me.
I could not worry about offending my birth mother. This was about me and my journey and my search.
(26:38):
Now that I know you and I continue to have a relationship with my birth mother,
I feel like there's a little bit of healing that's been able to happen even on her side.
So she had the secrecy. She was sworn to secrecy and she decided to adhere to
the secrecy for all of her reasons. and I've just sort of been able,
people ask me like, how are you not so mad at her for holding the secret?
(27:00):
And I'm like, her story is her story, right? So she can live with her decisions.
She was able to somehow track down me. I have no idea how she's kind of told
me the story of tracking me down.
I'm not sure how it happened, but she tracked me down somehow and still was
secretive when she found me, which I was super resentful for, right?
(27:21):
Because I'm like, I want not the whole story and you're not giving me the whole
story. So I always was thinking like, I'm not worthy of the truth.
Everybody's lying to me with holding information for me.
Which, again, is a theme that I keep hearing amongst all of us that are not
all of us, but so many of us that are adopted.
You know, these people just get us and make up our names and our stories.
And it's like total erasure of any life before the second that I was adopted.
(27:47):
Right. So in my case, I was born October 13th. My adoption date was December 21st.
Ultimately, my birth mother obviously kept me and you guys moved in together.
And you have a family, a little family for a month. So, right.
Yeah, that was, well, for me, that was a big deal just to be close with her and do what we did.
(28:08):
Because I had a pretty exciting time of life as a young guy.
You were like ready to settle into family life. Well, yeah, because it was time
to pick up my responsibility.
Number one, that was, I mean, that's just how I was raised. You know,
this is my responsibility.
I created this little baby. I got to take care of it, you know. but
I was living with my roommate and my football buddy but actually I kicked him
(28:32):
out I said hey my girl's gonna move in we're gonna have this baby we gotta change
I gotta change my lifestyle because I was in a pretty wild lifestyle back in
the day I was a black hippie.
And all that it probably like terrified her and her family oh yeah like her family definitely
and she was you know she used to think it was cute laugh at
(28:54):
it you know and that type of thing but like
i this is my thought i'm curious what you think about this so
let's just pretend like i i try to really put shoes on the other feet and be
empathetic to other people's situations yeah so i'm not like just pissed off
all the time otherwise i'd be like pissed off all the time right because i'd
be mad that my nothing about this it isn't it isn't so let's just let's let's just pretend that you,
(29:21):
your character was of such that her family, let's just pretend that it wasn't
anything to do about you being black.
Let's just pretend. And it was just the fact that she was young and she.
You were, you know, a party playboy. Let's just pretend all those things are true.
There are people that I have met and that I stories that I now know that I like
(29:42):
live in this space and I'm speaking out in that circumstance.
If she wants to give the baby up for adoption or terminate the baby,
it winds up being her choice.
When she says, I relinquish the baby to the adoption agency.
Do you believe that there is an onus on the adoption agency to vet out the other
side of the story to see if you gave permission, number one,
and or if there was anybody in your family that could take this baby.
(30:04):
So this said baby, me, is connected to its biological roots.
Do you feel like that should be? Because that's like part of the conversation
these days is people are just relinquishing babies, right or wrong,
necessary or not, or removing babies from home, right or wrong, necessary or not.
And then they're just quickly getting like adopted off into to permanent situations and
that was deemed better than searching you out and
(30:27):
trying to find anybody on the other side of the family the father's side
of the family to see if there's any any way that you can be you know that baby
can be can remain with biological family do you do what are your thoughts on
that because that's a deep conversation that's not really going on today yeah
the onus on on these agencies to find family.
(30:49):
Yeah. Right. It takes two people to tango. So if one is coming in.
You know, handing off a baby, where's the other side. Yeah.
And there, I don't, I don't know, but, but based on what I've sort of dug up
directly with the agency that handled manned option, I don't think they looked for you.
Well, I don't know either.
(31:11):
I wasn't involved, but from what I understand, well, Well, there's two things.
Yeah, I think that it should be that way. And maybe nowadays things might be
a little different because we're a little bit more progressed in this area, I would hope.
Let me just tell you something. When I started conversing, you know,
(31:31):
communicating with people about this topic and my story and letting them know
this, I'm literally talking now and sharing the story because I found out these things still do exist.
Oh, really? OK. because yeah yeah that wasn't true that's why i think it's important
for our story to be shared in other stories like ours because this used to happen
and it's still happening happening,
(31:55):
so i'm not like super seeped there are definitely advocates that are doing a
lot of really good work to make sure that like the charts are open the truth
is preserved reserved. It's available for adoptees.
It's state-wide laws.
So they vary from state to state. Obviously, I was born in New York.
It was a very closed adoption state.
Whereas in other places, it could have always been, there could have been,
(32:18):
I met somebody when I was in high school who adopted a child and it was an open adoption.
And I remember being floored at the time. I was probably 18 years old.
And I was like, you know who her birth mother is? How does that happen?
I thought everything was secret.
And they were like, no, in our case, we're open. So it's all case by case and
it varies, but I think there's still like, it's a big booming business if you
(32:39):
think about the adoption industry.
There's so many people making so much money off these babies being passed around. There's attorneys.
There's somebody that I follow on Instagram and recently she calls out like
all the ugly side of the transactional, the transaction-ness of passing a human
(33:01):
from one family to another.
And listen, there's people out there that call it like complete trafficking,
of babies. You're taking a baby.
And you're selling it to another person. And I saw on Instagram recently that somebody commented,
one of the horrible things that I see happening on Instagram is that when we
adoptees are speaking out about our experiences, there are people that are trolling
(33:25):
adoptees online in some cases, and they're questioning the stories and the perspectives.
So for example, if I'm sharing my story, somebody could hear me talk about it.
And the only thing that some people will say back to me is you should be grateful
that you were raised in such a nice loving family and they gave you all the
opportunity in the world yes and I was stolen from my dad and you know there
(33:49):
was a whole family that was there ready to accept me I think you told me the story about one of your,
aunties who was like I will help you and I I will be able I can financially
afford to help raise this baby so I was shocked when you told me like your side
of the story of course which the only only conclusion is I was totally taken
from you and nobody did any due diligence to find you.
(34:13):
And, and on the other side, my parents who couldn't have biological children,
who my mom couldn't, it was my mom.
She had a hysterectomy when she was younger and she couldn't have children of her own.
And there are definitely adoptees out there that are saying,
you people need to rethink how you're building your families,
the other people's babies.
(34:33):
And when I started to like read all that stuff, just within the last year or
two, It was so deep and it's horrible.
And then it makes me think about how that's exactly what my parents did.
And I love them, you know, because I think they did they know?
Didn't they know? I'll never know if they knew your story.
But yeah, I don't want it to happen to somebody else. Another birth father and fathers.
(34:54):
We have such a horrible, you know, media did a horrible job of portraying black fathers as it is.
So when you have one that wanted to stand up and literally the right was taken
from him, I think it's it's something that needs to be stopped.
Yeah, no, it was definitely devastating for me. Like what happened was.
Tell me, tell us, tell us in your words, because I know, and if anybody wants
(35:16):
to hear my whole personal essay, they can listen to it in season one, episode four.
I read my personal essay, but for somebody listening to this today and hearing
your voice, tell us what happened to you that night you came home.
Well, yeah, like we were saying, I kicked all my buddies out.
Just me, your birth mother, and then you came.
Well, actually, there's a little story back at that time, too.
(35:39):
But let me put that in there. Okay, so what happened to you?
We were living together, your birth mom and I.
And then you, oh, yeah, it was right closer to the time when you were supposed to be born.
Anyway, she went back home to her mom's house.
(35:59):
I don't know why, but she went back. But I kept telling her throughout that
time, like, okay, well, don't get an abortion.
But that was being kind of fed to her at that time. So she was having a hard
time. Should I hand the abortion? Should I keep the baby? You know,
all these different things.
But anyway, she did keep the baby. So I told her that I would take the baby.
And my family, we would take care of the baby.
(36:21):
That's our baby, you know, right?
So anyway, she went to the hospital. She, you know, got in labor, went to hospital, died.
They didn't, well, from what I understand, her mother just didn't want me to
be a part of it. Your birth mom's mom. So they didn't tell me.
But then your birth mom's, you know, older sister that's right close to her
(36:41):
age, they called me and said, hey, your birth mom's in the hospital. She had a baby.
I'm like, what? So I go over to the hospital.
And you know good thing that your birth mom mom was not there but her sister
was there so I can come in and look at the baby and all that stuff I don't think
I did that you came in the hospital?
(37:02):
Yeah because I found out like through the birth mom's older sister that was
right close to her age yeah then I came up there you know but you know the birth mom's mom went there
but her older sister was there so it was okay I guess that's why she called
me because the coast was clear so I could come over.
But she worked with those a lot. I got to give her credit. She tried to help
(37:23):
her little sister out. And she, you know, saw I wanted to be father, you know.
Anyway, but it was just like a quick thing. And then I went.
Back home because, if I remember correctly, your birth mom was told that if
she had the baby, she couldn't bring the baby back to her mama's house.
So she had to come to the mom's.
So I'm already, I mean, I had a little crib. We had a special,
(37:45):
we had, I think, two or three bedroom apartment.
But there was a bedroom set up for the baby and the crib and all that kind of stuff.
I was one of my buddies when I had to check them out. So that was why.
No longer a bachelor pad. No, no longer a bachelor pad.
It was not at all it became a home you know and back then common law was part
(38:09):
of how we did it so we just got together and we did it and anyway so,
she had to come back to my house because she could not take you,
back to her mother's house so she came to my house so we were there for a month
and I gotta tell you she didn't know what she was doing first time mother and
she didn't have any kids in her family And her mom left her like a baby.
(38:33):
Her mom cut her off and she wasn't supporting anything.
Now her sister, her older sister, did.
She was still in communication with her. So basically, her birth mom was devastated.
First of all, this brand new life right here. But then her family cut her off.
You know, as far as the deal. They did this out the family.
(38:54):
So anyway, we're at the house. We're doing our thing.
Now I I was working, you know, then I got a second job when, uh.
Your birth mom, and you came home. You know, I kind of look back at it.
I think, well, she must have been having a hard time when she was there by herself.
Even, like, changing diapers was a big, you know, thing for her.
(39:16):
But then my family tried to pitch in a little bit, much of, you know,
everybody couldn't, like, my brother, for sure, because he was young,
but he wasn't doing anything.
But he, like, babies, he would babysit for different family members, so he would help.
My mother couldn't be any help because she was working, you know.
She was a hardworking single mother, so he had to work.
But I did have one out that mentioned she was going to help me out she would
(39:39):
help take care of you because I take care of her kids sometimes because she
worked for a bit but at that point she was available to work I mean to help.
Take care of you and we kind of had to lay it out where,
I would have to bring you to her and that discussion came up when your birth
mom was having a hard time,
do I want to keep the baby, not want to keep the baby me
(40:01):
and i kept saying no we keep in this bait you know
and i got people that take care of her because
you know i didn't know what i was doing either really but you know
i had my family's gonna help me out but you know you know so what happened was
i'm at work one day and you know tired working two jobs come home like it was
(40:21):
at night dark i can't remember now 11 o'clock at night or something and the
apartment's empty. You know, nobody's there.
You're not there. Your birth mom's not there. All her clothes are gone.
And I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm freaking out now.
I tried to call her, but I get no answer. You know, I was trying to call her
(40:42):
for days. She wouldn't answer the phone.
And her home phone. You're calling the home phone. I do remember a couple of
times I'm hoping to answer the phone and yell at me and hang the phone up or something like that.
You know, so I didn't know what happened. You know, I didn't know what was going on. I had no idea.
So, you know, some time went on, went by.
(41:04):
And then your birth mom, she contacted me and told me what happened.
How long was this? Do you remember how long this was after? Well,
it was maybe a couple of months at the most, something like that.
Because, you know, she, now she was starting to, you know, she was feeling bad anyway, for sure.
And she had nobody's shoulder to cry on because the adoption was part of the way it was.
(41:30):
That's how they did it. Black baby.
So then she contacted me and then she finally told me what happened.
And we were crying on each other's shoulder or a night when we would see each other.
And she would have to sneak over to my house.
But what she told me was that she had to adopt the baby because you know she
(41:52):
was going to get cut off from her family but she didn't know where you were
that was like part of the deal,
Oh, incidentally, going back to birthday, I meant to say this.
I wasn't on the birth certificate.
The birth certificate said, I know I'm kind of jumping around, but we can fix that.
Oh, good. I'm tracking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That, you know, your birth mom's name
(42:15):
was on it, but my name was not on the birth certificate.
So you're talking about advocating for, you know, the fathers that don't get
consulted about the situation.
But that's one reason why they couldn't consult me because they didn't know
who I was on the birth certificate. And your mom's parents weren't going to
say, oh, well, it's this guy here. They didn't want it, no.
They wanted to totally, you know, take me out of the equation.
(42:38):
So I would think that maybe some of the situations, that's what the deal is.
They want to take the father out of the equation.
Or perhaps maybe the father is a diddy dad type guy. He doesn't want to be able
to. He doesn't want the baby.
And I always say that's part of like the disclaimer of this
conversation is we don't know know and we don't
assume you know so so who knows however
(43:01):
yeah what we do know is they
I mean so what I don't know is if somebody advised her to leave your name off
so she could be in control her and her family could be in control ultimately
of the decision or I don't know I I mean that that to me is one of the issues
and there could be somebody that ultimately listens to this and knows this answer.
(43:24):
I do remember there's an organization called the Archie Project,
and I saw a video one day that they created, and it was a mother,
a young pregnant woman, who the video was capturing her real story of having
the baby, relinquishing the baby.
It was like this wrenching video to watch because it was the first time I've
(43:45):
ever seen that transaction happen.
What also also is needs to be like eradicated is.
Some of these players in the adoption industry prey on people like my birth
mother, so they can get her to relinquish her baby.
(44:06):
So now they have a commodity to sell, right?
And a lawyer is involved and a judge is involved. There's so much transactional
dollars that fly around over this adoption.
And there are people that would rather see her relinquish the baby than even
look for you. and potentially, or there's another concept that's mind-blowing
(44:28):
that people don't even think about this first.
What if you helped her and her family or you guys as a young family,
young families like yours, and gave you guys the money to support your young family, right?
That should exist. That should be the first option is to help the baby and the
young family stay intact, get the proper education for being parents.
(44:50):
I mean, when I had my kids, I went to birthing classes and I went to all these
things to ensure that I was reading books and making sure that I was totally prepared.
So, you know, what if it existed that you had support, you know,
at 19 and 21 years old to, you know, to do this?
They'll pay a foster family to take me and they'll accept and people can then buy me and adopt me.
(45:13):
But they won't give you a dollar to help you create the home and get the education
that you need to be a parent. And I do know that there's people actively trying
to make sure that that's an option because adoption should be the last resort, not the first.
And what we see happens, I'm not saying this is every case, but what happens,
like in my parents' case, my parents couldn't have biological children.
(45:35):
They wanted to have a family.
Adoption, you know, infertility treatments, all these things.
People actually go for it.
I believe people might even go for infertility treatments. adoption
almost becomes like the in some cases the
last effort to make the family that you always wanted again
at your at your expense yeah so so so she's gone so at this point in the story
(45:58):
she's gone she has reconnected to tell you what happened and everybody kind
of parts ways what happened to you like mentally at that moment and physically
because i know that you ultimately left,
buffalo so what and i'm asking because i met you and i remember i felt so bad
for you when i met you and i heard this story that this was your experience
(46:20):
so against kind of acknowledging,
the birth parents out there who either the mothers who carried and then relinquished
for the fathers who had or didn't have any access what happens because your whole life is.
With this like horrible thing that happened? Did you tell yourself like my baby's
been stolen and, or did you just have to kind of cut it off and move on?
(46:42):
Like what happened to you?
Well, I had to, you know, I had to adjust, you know, my feelings,
my emotions, because I was really upset.
You know, I was hurt, you know, for two reasons.
You know, one of them is that it'll just happen, you know, cause I was looking
forward to a family, you know, I'm a family guy.
I like, I love family. I love, you know, I just thought that our relationship
(47:05):
with your birth mom and I could carry on.
So here I lose, you know, her, I lose the baby.
And now here I am all by myself, you know, young guy, you know,
I was in college, but, you know, my finished college.
And then I just felt like I wanted to leave town.
You know, I just wanted to get
out of that area. Of course, it was a town that wasn't really like L.A.
(47:31):
Or New York. So it was like an old country, funky town, you know, Buffalo.
But so I actually left them with their wife, you know. I went to actually help
build a house because I was in the construction at that time.
So I'm going to help, you know, someone build a house and fell in love with Hawaii.
(47:51):
I kind of had this, you know, thing of kind of forget about everything.
So I stayed in Hawaii for actually 20 years.
But i just had to get away you know i had to escape you know
the memories you know because just being in that area i mean
i felt that i would be and that's what i did anyway i've been like i mentioned
i would be looking at little kids had you know light skin you know pretty eyes
(48:18):
you know is that my baby you know and you know that would do that a lot i just
i couldn't i can't imagine I can't imagine thinking about having to exist,
having kids of my own, if they were like gone. I don't, I can't comprehend.
Right. You know, it was like that. And the thing was now, if,
you know, a baby would have died, that's one thing you have to deal with that,
(48:39):
except that, but here, baby didn't die.
She's someplace. Yeah. And I wanted to be with her.
I wanted to, you know, hold a little baby, wanted to change them diapers,
you know, and everything.
That I, you know, just wanted to raise, you know, my baby, you know.
But I didn't get that chance, you know. So I was, you know, kind of messed up in the head a little bit.
(49:04):
Emotionally, for sure, you know. One good thing I can say is my family around
me, they were very supportive of me, you know.
But one thing I do notice, too, that I'll say, it was almost like that was how
things went back then, especially in a racial issue.
Like, oh, well, that's what happened, you know.
I might never necessarily said that, but that was just felt like a feeling for me back then.
(49:29):
As you know, you know, back then was a heavy, you know, civil rights thing going
on and black and whites didn't mingle legally.
The kind of shit went on to slave days.
But this was different. You know, I didn't expect this, you know.
So, yeah, I was hurt and I just felt lost. Like I said, I was looking around
(49:51):
for my little baby. I want to find my baby. Where's my baby?
Where's my baby? You know?
Yeah. I was not included in it.
Oh, that was such a good conversation. And I was so nervous.
I did not know what to expect when we got on camera.
So I hope you found some peace in there that perhaps resonates with you and
your story. So you don't feel like you're on this journey alone.
(50:13):
We talked so much, which I found out, I come from a long line of chatty Cathy's.
So I've decided to break the episode into two.
And I hope that you come back and listen to the second part of our conversation.
Music.
(50:58):
For the gain of others is so purposeful.
I'm humbled by the opportunity to uncover my roots that were meticulously concealed for decades.
I continue to say nobody should have to endure a prolonged search or go through
such arduous efforts to uncover their own history.
So I hope you enjoyed this part one. I also hope that you can find some time to join us for part two.
(51:19):
Music.
And I do want to also acknowledge, I understand the sensitivity of this topic
and I am committed to continuing to create space that respects all adoptee stories.
So whether you found what you were looking for, you found nothing,
or you faced a reunion that might've been different than what you imagined,
(51:40):
I really do need it. Please reach out.
I feel very much so that I'm here to support and the Adoptee Diaries was created
to stand as a platform for your stories too.
So thank you so much for listening. find us on Instagram, send me a message.
I am here for you and I'll see you soon.
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