February 13, 2024 • 44 mins
In this bonus episode of The Adoptee Diaries, host Bethany Fraser offers listeners an intimate glimpse into an adoptee's journey to find her roots. This remarkable two-part conversation between Bethany and her birth father tackles the myriad complexities surrounding adoption—from the pain of intentional secrets, an unintended separation, and confronting uncomfortable truths to the joy of reconnecting with blood relatives, cultural ties, ancestry, and the truth.
The episode shines a light on the under-acknowledged narratives within the adoption industry and underscores the lack of adequate support systems for fragmented families.
Drawing from her personal experience, Bethany, with the help of her birth father, dive into their emotionally stirring journey to uncover the truth of her origins. This story of hope, healing, and reunion serves to inspire and comfort adoptees experiencing similar struggles.
This candid conversation also speaks to birth parents, Black fathers specifically, upon discovering the concealed identity of her birth father, who also empathetically conveys the regret and longing he’s experienced.
This unique episode brings to light a few things:
- The often overlooked humanitarian aspect of adoption.
- The vital need for empathy, transparency, and inclusivity.
- Offers a powerful message of forgiveness and resilience.
- The critical role of sharing experiences and seeking supportive communities in overcoming personal struggles.
Tune in to experience the transformative journey of an adoptee taking control of her narrative and discovering her true identity. Healing is available to you too.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
That explores the journey of adoption and self-discovery from the perspective of an adoptee.
I'm Bethany Frazier, your host. Join me as we dive into the raw,
unfiltered truths of this complicated and unique experience.
We'll focus on the truth, trust, and transparency, the power of community,
and sharing our stories.
(00:27):
Through personal narratives, expert interviews, and insightful discussions,
my number one purpose is to create a safe space for adoptees to share share
their stories, and connect with others who understand, so they're not left navigating alone.
This podcast also serves to inform the broader adoption constellation of what
our collective lived experience looks like, so they can support us,
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raise us, teach us, and care for us better,
ultimately giving us the option to live fully supported, informed,
full, and connected lives.
We believe that by shedding light on the challenges and triumphs of adoption,
adoption we can inspire hope healing and a sense of belonging for all those
impacted so come along on this journey of self-discovery with me thank you so much for being here.
(01:16):
Welcome back for part two of the adoptee diaries which is the second half of
the conversation with my birth father thank you so much for joining thank you
for your comments after our last episode Thank you for your DMs,
for your testimonials, and thank you for sharing The Adoptee Diaries with those
who need to hear its message the most,
other adoptees, and those who care for us.
(01:37):
Music.
I look forward to creating more space for more conversations like this one with
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my birth father, for more conversations that share perspectives of us who are hurt.
We're trying to heal and I don't have all the answers, but I know what's helped me.
And I am so excited to have the opportunity to share those resources and those
conversations with you.
So getting into the the painful and the sticky stuff is actually where we can find the truth.
(02:26):
If I did not want to dig in and really have some tough, uncomfortable conversations,
I don't think I'd be able to be here right now.
So thank you for being here and for being brave.
Okay, so let's dig into part two.
I'll just say, uncovering sort of the truth and the circumstances around my
(02:48):
adoption, It was so important to me, and it became only more important as I
got older, as I had children, as I sorted through life.
And I wanted to know, just because I'm a curious person, where I come from,
why I am who I am, medically, ethnically, culturally.
Like, there was just so many things, and not having so many answers.
(03:09):
Music.
It actually started to overwhelm me.
So I just want to say it may have taken two people to make me,
but I literally have this life because one man fought for me,
and that is my birth father.
I am so blessed that I found him.
And I continue to say for anybody that is searching, thinking about searching,
(03:30):
searched and did not have the results that maybe they were expecting or hoping for,
please, please know I am absolutely sending you love and hugs,
comfort. for it. You are brave.
I'm praying that you can find peace, even if you don't find what you're looking for.
(03:51):
My story is super rare. I had a man on the other side of it that was waiting
for me. I was stolen from him.
So I have two reunions with two people that made me, and one is rare. I have two.
So I want to be a resource for you. Like I said, if you're looking,
thought about out looking, looked, didn't get what you looked for.
(04:13):
It's complicated and you're not expected to do it alone.
With social media and all the different technology and ways we have to connect
with each other, I'm glad if you're here and you're hearing me say these words, I am here for you.
So without further ado, I'll go ahead and start part two of the reunion conversation
(04:36):
with Let us know what you think.
If you have any questions for either of us, you are not alone.
I would be looking at little kids that had, you know, light skin,
you know, pretty eyes, you know, is that my baby? You know, and,
you know, that would do that.
I just, I couldn't, I can't imagine thinking about having to exist,
(05:00):
having kids of my own if they were like gone.
I don't, I can't comprehend that.
Right. You know, it was like that. And the thing was now, if,
you know, a baby would have died, that's one thing you have to,
you know, deal with that, accept that. But her baby didn't die.
She's sunflat. And I wanted to be with her.
I wanted to, you know, hold her a little bit. I wanted to change them poopoo
(05:23):
diapers and everything, you know.
And I, you know, just wanted to raise, you know, my baby, you know.
But I didn't get that chance, you know. So I was, you know, kind of messed up in the head a little bit.
Emotionally, for sure, you know. You know, one good thing I can say is my family
around me, they were very supportive of me, you know.
(05:46):
But one thing I do notice, too, that I'll say, it was almost like that was how
things went back then, especially in a racial issue.
Like, oh, well, that's what happened, you know. Nobody never necessarily said
that, but that was just felt like a feeling for me back then.
As you know, you know, back then was a heavy, you know, civil rights thing going on.
(06:08):
Black and whites didn't mingle legally the tiny shit went on to slave days,
but this was different I didn't expect this you know so yeah I was hurt and
I just felt lost like I said I was looking around for my little baby I wanted
to find my baby where's my baby you know,
(06:30):
Yeah, I was not included in it. But as we're talking about this,
I'm thinking like, wow, you know, we have laws for abortion and that's a big political issue.
This needs to be on the table. And you know what? Never heard it.
All I heard was about abortion and that being a big thing.
This should be a part of it, the adoption side of it.
(06:51):
But then the parents, you know, how that decision is made that this should happen.
You know, I know there's a lot of guys that don't even want kids.
You know, they'll run away, whatever.
But this should be an issue that we bring to the table, you know,
on the political level, so that we can make some laws that will protect,
first of all, the baby, for sure.
(07:12):
Because if there's these people that are treating this little baby like it's a, you know, car,
you know, a commodity, a human being, and, you know, finding,
you know, know a buyer finding a seller you know
taking advantage of like you know you know young women that
maybe been economic not ready
(07:33):
to take care of a baby or whatever it might be and then here they come in swoop
in and okay well we can take that baby from you that's what's it i was not i
was naive until i started like researching and meeting with people that are
doing the work to change the laws that even allow that to happen um i remember
interviewing somebody who works on policy.
And he was saying, you know, if this was really about the baby,
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we'd be working harder to ensure that like no stones left unturned to keeping
them with their biological family, that all resources go to the family to keep them together.
You know, we want to slam black fathers or fathers in general,
but we're not helping them financially with these things.
You know, I was just to complete the thought, I was telling you that I interviewed
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somebody who was involved in the policy of adoption.
And his decades of research has uncovered time and time again,
it becomes about finding a baby for people that can't have children and want a baby.
Right. So it becomes about the parents that are looking to complete or create a family.
Let's go find them a baby versus we have a baby that's in a situation that needs
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to be a good home needs to be found for, for whatever reason.
But, you know, the criteria, who decides what a good home is, right?
Like I was raised in the suburbs in a upper middle class family,
right? If you're, if you were middle or even lower or wherever you fell,
who's to determine that you're not, you're not capable.
And in your in our story it feels like my birth mother's family decided that for you,
and then the adoption helped the adoption agency helped her yeah sure
(09:01):
yeah yeah you you don't want it he can't raise it therefore we
have a family that's like my parents were on a list i just i was putting my
parents house because they were next in line yeah yeah it's so crazy there's
i mean sure there's in-home visits and there's some you know so i again i don't
speak on policy because i don't know what the rules are across the board so
and i'm not saying everybody's bad and definitely we're not saying that nobody's
saying that a child should be kept in an abusive situation.
(09:25):
Because you know if i was being abused and all those kinds
of things and being removed by cps because of these situations i i stand with
the advocates that say even still that child there needs to be policies in place
that the whole family like your aunt could have kept me potentially even if
you weren't fit like if you were completely deemed not fit and my birth mother's
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family we completely thought you weren't fit and everybody,
you know, but I think the problem for me that I see, and I'm not the expert,
the issue is who can decide if you are able or capable of raising a baby and
then deciding, nope, you're not. And let's sell it to the next in line.
I mean, it's a, and you know, there's all kinds of thoughts on that.
So the political laws and the removal of safe abortions and like all these conversations.
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So what does that mean? If we adhere to those rules and there's all these babies
on the market, then the industry is going to make make more money because they're
schlepping around more kids and dumping them in more homes without proper vetting.
And there's more of us then that grow up feeling like unconnected to culture
or not seeing people that look like us, feeling displaced and total erasure
of our history. It's just all totally wrong. And then look what it does to you.
Who knows how your life would be different if this all didn't happen to you, right? And mine.
(10:32):
So, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.
Isn't it a lot? Because with you and I, it's a lot. You know,
like you said, we both have our own, you know, experience.
But I'm glad you're giving me this opportunity to talk with you like this because,
you know, we talk all the time, but we don't necessarily talk about this.
So this is good, you know, and I hope it does help someone else like,
(10:52):
you know, a guy that's been going through what I've gone through.
I don't know any of my friends that have gone through what I've gone through.
You know, I know more. I know guys that have gone through abortion, you know.
None of them, they were, wanted the abortion, you know.
I don't know any guys that have had their baby taken away. Like, my.
So, yeah, I don't know any guy that's been like this, you know.
(11:13):
I know some folks that maybe, like, you know, have been adopted,
and I don't know the history about their life.
But I don't know anybody that, like, guys I can talk to say,
well, I had baby in there with Dawn, you know.
So, yeah, you know, it's something I know we, as a society, we definitely need
to address this issue because it's not fun, you know. Like you said,
if I would have been able to bring you into my family, it would have been more
(11:34):
like a natural thing, however that played out.
Even if you were with my aunt Pat that wanted to take you because that's what
she offered when I was running around my family. Oh, I got to get my baby.
I was asking different relatives, but she said, oh, no, no, I would take a baby.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, she, she's a sweet, my mother's my mother's
sister and she was ready to step in, you know, and play, you know, mom to you.
(11:59):
Who knows? I mean, this would have been different for me in a lot of ways,
perhaps. Like maybe I would have been so rude towards other women about my relationship
life, you know, because I was resentful that would happen, you know,
like not have an opportunity to make that decision on myself,
you know, and I was, I felt treated, you know, bad, you know, by.
Did you go through angry, like chip on your shoulder, going to kill someone, I hate the world?
(12:23):
Well, I was really mad. I know that. And I was angry with the birth mother's parents.
You know, I was angry with her, too. Because I know when we would talk sometimes,
I just would say, how could you do that?
That was my thing. How could you do that? You know, you gave your baby away?
Dummy? Why did you do that? You know, and like I say, we would cry together,
you know. But I was really angry with her.
(12:45):
Definitely could not see myself being girlfriend, boyfriend like that anymore
because you just gave me away.
I think I remember when you and I first met, you said something to the effect
of when you found out that my birth mother actually found me in 2005, I found you in 2020.
So 15 years, I had a relationship with her and she kept your name and identity
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hidden. She would not tell me anything.
I remember, do I have it right? That you said you were upset that she had had
the ability to know me and my kids and like insert herself in my life and still
continue to withhold you from the story or that opportunity.
Yeah. I think I remember we talked about that a little bit. Yeah.
I mean, just the whole thing of her telling you she didn't know who I was.
Yeah. I mean, if she's diagnosed with some kind of mental thing,
(13:30):
I can understand it. Yeah.
Right. You know, so let me speak on behalf of the mothers in the room. Right. My takeaway is.
That there was trauma experienced, obviously, on both sides, all sides.
And I think hers, I'm not convinced that hers erased her memory,
although I'm not sure. I'm sure you could find some doctor that could say she
was so traumatized she actually forgot.
I don't think she forgot. She knows I don't think she forgot.
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I do think it could have been a protective measure because perhaps people in
her world didn't know the whole truth.
It was hard for me to digest what she was always telling me over those 15 years
before I found you myself.
Because when I did find you, she was like, oh, you found him.
And I was like, oh, there was no like, who's that? I don't know him,
you know? So it doesn't sit well with me. It didn't sit well with me.
And for the birth mothers listening and in the room and any other adoptees or
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whatever, a lot of people ask me how I digest and comprehend all of this when
it comes to her and her lies or withholding the truth.
And as upset as I am, and we talked about this before, I try to understand she
was going through something as well.
How traumatic for her, for her whole family to say, we will not,
we will disown you if and and
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she held those secrets like i said even after her mother passed she
still wouldn't tell me the truth she so i
try to just give room in the story for everybody to
do whatever they needed to do to cope you're also an adult now and you found
god and you have turned into a like responsible human so you know i have a 21
year old son right now you were his age when you had me right i would probably
(14:57):
kick him in the butt if he came home right now and said i'm having having a
baby, you know, so he's child. Yeah.
So I try to leave room for all those things in these stories,
which is what makes reunion possible.
I have, I have a beautiful testimonial that somebody just put on my web on my podcast.
I just saw it yesterday. This person, I don't know them. They made a comment
about, gosh, I almost want to read it, but I don't know if I'll find it fast enough.
(15:19):
Well, did you see this by chance? I posted it on my Instagram.
I'm going to read it. I'll read it because then the listeners can hear it too. So this is.
A testimonial that somebody posted on January 1st this year on the Adoptee Diaries podcast.
And it says, as an adoptee still anxious, intense over undertaking a search
for my birth family, this was just the podcast episode I was craving.
(15:42):
Bethany shares her adoptee experience with a focus on her identity and the value
in healing that came from putting the pieces together via a DNA test.
While I know healing isn't a guarantee, Bethany's story is a great inspiration
to me and And as a model example of the feelings and experiences I may have
as I begin to uncover the secrets of my origin, hearing her story makes me feel
braver to move forward into the unknown because it's not wholly unknown to me anymore.
(16:05):
After listening, the adoptee experience is so unique and one I don't get to
hear unless I seek it out to those who are wondering what finding your birth
family can look and feel like this is an amazing podcast.
And I saw that yesterday, right before I was like getting, you know,
I was getting nervous to have, we talk all the time, but it was nervous.
It's, it's nerve wracking for me to have you on because I feel protective of you and your story.
And it's also nerve-wracking to me because I want to do our story justice
and I want to we're sharing it I share it and thank you for
(16:28):
also sharing your side because it's important that people hear and that testimonial
I was like oh thank you for like putting it all in perspective of why I even
set out to do this in the first place because there are still people that exist
that are searching there are people that are thinking about searching don't
think it's possible there are people that might experience reunion and it didn't
go well you know there's there's just so many stories you never know so I just
wanted to like carve out this little space on the internet for people like sweet
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Maureen who left that testimonial,
we helped someone, you know, and that was what the whole thing was about.
So you being present opens it up to perhaps father's hearing and it opens it
up to adoptive parents hearing from you because let us, if we'll just make up stories.
And if we didn't know you, we can make up a story that you were like some big monster.
I was saved by my adoptive parents and family because they took me out of like
(17:10):
racist, horrible Buffalo and move me on.
Well, they hid, you know, there's a whole, we can break them down on another
day, but actually let's talk about them for a second. Like, how do you feel
about my parents who raised me?
Because I'm like, they stole you, me from you, legally. Yeah,
they didn't do it, I guess, on purpose, like necessarily.
But well, you know, again, I'm thankful that they were the good people that
(17:30):
you tell me they are. They were your dad.
I'm thankful for that because they could have been another type of people that
were trying to get a welfare check.
Yeah, and there are. They exist. They still exist. And I've met the babies that
they got. And it's a lot of hurt people walking around.
Are you angry? Do you feel angry at them? or no you
know um i don't feel angry at all but i guess i kind of if i had a perfect world
(17:55):
with that whole thing would have been like i could have shared your relationship
with them as you were growing up like that and but in a certain way that wasn't
gonna work that way it was like it took you away not them but you know the system
took you away and hid you over there
but no i'm not mad at them you know i know that a lot of folks you know they
can't have children they want to have children you know because there's something
(18:16):
special about having children,
as you know so they wanted that you know so i'm glad for them you know that they had that chance.
I wish i could have had that chance right to help raise you at that time
right you know the other thing that i think about through the
times i didn't know you and now you know
people didn't think about your feelings how you were feeling not
(18:37):
knowing i hear you talk about it wow that must have been you know
a terrible experience you know as nice
as it looked with the white picket fence and you know the nice
schools you went to with the uniforms and everything
and your pigtails curly pigtails with dark
skin not knowing anything because nobody's saying anything but in your heart
you know something that you're not white i think about you like that like wow
(19:01):
that that's a terrible experience i have to live like you know you know you're
the first people you're the first people that said that yeah you guys were the
first people that ever acknowledged well and And my partner,
who I never really name on here, but you know who I'm talking about.
He, when he entered my life, my loving and supportive partner entered my life in 2017.
And it was really him who I credit with sort of reopening the can of worms that
(19:23):
I had tried to go at by myself.
He was the first person in my life that was like, yeah, you're not supposed
to know where you come from.
I remember one of his family members gifted everybody in the family a book.
And it's this total historic log of his family, generations back,
filled with pictures and names. And it's this beautiful hardcover book.
And he was... Him and really his mom, they were both very...
(19:47):
So adamant that I am not supposed to not know the things that I don't know.
Like I am supposed, I have a right to know these things and it floored them.
And I hadn't, I guess I just swept it aside because nobody else in my world
would like listen to me wanting to know this information.
Except for, I'll say my one roommate back in the day who was also adopted and
she found her birth mother, her father, she found, and he was like,
I don't know, you get out of here. So she experienced both.
Somebody who was warm and open and then somebody who was like,
(20:10):
totally turned her away.
And I saw her react to both those reunions in the respective way she She had to react to them.
That was long before I had my reunion. But outside of her, my partner was the
first person that brought it up again, many, many, many years later.
And then, so he's the one that inspired me to do the DNA test and finally find
out at least what ethnicity-wise what I was so I can start answering those questions
and not feel like such an imposter. Like I had no idea what it was.
(20:31):
But when I met you and actually your son, my beautiful brother,
half-brother, he said to me one day, I feel so bad for you.
I cannot believe you went. You know, your sister says to me,
you say to me. So you guys really were the first people even,
and I'm thinking, you're thinking about my feelings.
I'm thinking about how you got robbed, you know? So I think our mutual sort
of, each of us stepped into each other's shoes and we're like,
wow, this really stinks what happened to us.
(20:52):
And I think it's why together we're sort of like, let's, we're here now.
So we're going to make the best of it going forward.
Yeah. Well, you know, I think, you know, for me, it's kind of like as a father,
you know, I think about how my job as a father to take care of you and all that
kind of stuff, I couldn't do it.
You know, my hands were tied and I feel bad about that, you know?
You know, and I guess I feel bad for you because when I hear you say those things,
(21:13):
I'm thinking like, man, that's such a, a bad thing for a child.
When you're really small, maybe they make that much difference.
But as you grew up, you started to have your own thinking, your reasoning and
stuff and you're thinking like, who am I? Where am I?
And then if them bad kids would call you bad names, it's like,
well, am I? Or no, I'm not. You know what I'm saying? Like, wow.
That's really unfair to you. And I don't like that.
(21:36):
You know, that you have to go through that. Then you went through adulthood.
Who, you know, same thing, you know, or you don't really know what you know in your heart.
And I got to admit that I don't think it was fair on what your birth mom did
once you connected with her. Because that could have began a healing journey at that point.
But her being stubborn and wherever she was at, not, you know, thinking about you.
(21:59):
I think she didn't think about you. She thought about herself and whatever agreements
she made in her thing, you know, which I don't like that.
You're part of me. And that's what I hurt for that, for you,
you know, that you had to experience that.
No parent wants their kid to have any pain. a little knee cut
when they fall down or this is
even worse than a knee cut this is a life of not
(22:21):
having some of the answers that you need it well i'm
where should i send the therapy bill well you
can start with your grandma i'm just kidding no she's a psychologist she's into
that kind of thing you know wait i wanted to um wait hold on i'm gonna bring
i am getting something so we're not going to be on you know it's a podcast and
(22:42):
it's audio only so nobody will see this but i'm going going to talk about it,
and then I'm going to post a picture of it.
So we have just a handful of minutes left, so I want to make sure I talk about
something that was super special to me, if I can fix this.
So just for everybody listening, I am on video right now recording with my birth
father, so he can see me, but we only, just to protect everybody's privacy and
(23:02):
whatnot, I choose to do this podcast audio only.
However, I want to show you, because I can't get it when I,
so let me just jump to something really fast, so I can talk about this beautiful
thing that happened, because because I see it commented on, other people keep
commenting, adoptees on Instagram that I follow and such, there's such a huge
conversation and everybody is really open with whatever they're experiencing.
So it's really nice that we all have each other.
(23:22):
But one of the things that I recently saw was, well, I continue to see periodically
stories that remind us that we're all connected to you, birth parents and families
and ancestors, even if we don't know who you are.
So one of my takeaways was, even though I don't know who I come from.
When I didn't know where I came from and who my ancestors were and everything like that.
How do I, how do I help other people who are wondering the same things I was
(23:46):
wondering that didn't get to have the connection that now I've experienced?
And this little story I'm going to share and I'll post a picture of what I'm talking about. out.
When my birth father and I first met via social media, right?
I contacted you on Facebook and we talked about that earlier.
But when we first started, then we kind of graduated our relationship.
Once we trusted each other, we're like, okay, we really are like daddy daughter.
(24:07):
We didn't need the DNA test because the story matched because we look alike, all that kind of stuff.
You started sharing your story with me and you started telling me when you left
Buffalo, then you went to Hawaii and had yourself a time in Hawaii.
Ultimately, grandma and some
members of your family moved to Cali and you were telling me the story.
And I kept hearing, oh, he went to Hawaii. Oh, he was in California.
Eventually he moved to California.
And on my neck, as you were talking, I realized I was wearing my necklace.
(24:30):
I don't have it on today because I actually broke the chain on my necklace.
Do you remember me telling you this?
Okay. So this is right after we met, you're telling me your stories.
And I kind of like grasped, grabbed my necklace and I was like, whoa, I have a necklace.
Somebody gave me, California has always been a very special place to me.
I used to go there a lot because I just thought I was supposed to be in Hollywood.
Then actually, as I grew up, I just loved Cali and the climate and the people
and the vibe. And I always told myself I was going to get there.
(24:51):
And I did get there. In 2017, I moved to the Bay Area. Job took me out there. I was so excited.
And ultimately, I had to come back East for a multitude of reasons.
But I had this necklace on with a California charm. And then the other charm
I got from my mom who raised me, it was when she went to Hawaii with her and
my dad went to Hawaii for, I think it was somebody in the family's anniversary.
And she gave me her a little piece of coral from Hawaii.
So on my necklace, I wear my little piece of coral and my little California
(25:13):
charm. And I put them together for no particular reason. And I wore this necklace.
And as you were telling me the story soon, Like really soon after we met,
I was like, gosh, those two places are very special to me.
I did some, you know, healing stuff, bad relationship, blah,
blah, after college. And I wound up going to Hawaii and just finding it heavenly and healing.
And then also California was a very healing and lovely place that I went to.
I say all this to say, so I know the people listening can't see it,
(25:35):
but I'm going to post it on social media, the little necklace so they can see what I'm talking about.
That was a sign to me that like, no matter what you can take,
you know, the girl out of the house or the girl away from the baby away from
blood, but we're all still connected.
Right. And that was something I just wanted to, I think it would be a nice place
to like close is to sort of remind people about the ties that bind us.
We, we sometimes adoptees and I speak for myself and then the others that have
(25:57):
shared the same sentiment with me, we feel like unconnected.
I know when we're either adopted by parents that aren't our race or like me,
I didn't even know what the heck race I was.
We don't feel connected to culture, you know, things like that.
So it was was so nice for me when I met you to be able to come to know the side
that everybody took great lengths to hide and everybody took great lengths to erase.
And now I found it and it was so nice. But even beyond that,
(26:17):
it felt like there's so many little connections.
You know, I, you guys, I don't know, it just, I lived 40 minutes away from my
grandma and my aunt and from where you were when you lived in California,
right? You guys were in the Oakland area. I was in San Jose.
So to find that out later, and
I keep seeing these stories that people are sharing when they find out,
you know oh my sister was in my school or my i live
down the street from my parents or you know there's all these little things and i think there's some
(26:40):
what is i call that like universal sort of tie that
binds nobody can break it even though they try that sounds
i know i'm a little woo-woo for you but do you feel like do you feel like that
was a little strange coincidence or do you think that was some sort of like
divine power like pushing us sort of together even though everybody tried to
keep us apart what are your thoughts about or is it just coincidence and i'm
too woo-woo for you well well first of all i don't believe in coincidence that's
things aren't like that no i believe that this was like you know we were supposed
(27:05):
to be together supposed to meet,
even though whatever happened and all that stuff you know we were supposed to
be at that place together and during your you know period of time over there
i mean i didn't really plan on going to california except for like you said
my mom there my sister they were working in that area
um so i would go there but you know i i just thought about something you were saying that,
(27:26):
your little sister my daughter other daughter she got this hollywood thing too too, right?
Going on. My little sister, she's such a little, like, baddie.
I love watching her. Yep. She's, you know, got a lot of you in there.
I love it. Let me just say for a second, too, for, of course,
anybody that are siblings potentially listening to the show,
you know, I grew up with a brother. We were both adopted.
(27:50):
We, our parents had us in a nice, nuclear, like, loving family and things like
that. Outside of that, we didn't have too much in common. There's love there, of course.
But, you know, siblings, siblings, like blood siblings.
I don't know if he would agree with me, but we were sister and brother because
we were told we were sister and brother.
And it's hard for me. I don't talk about him too much because I'm sad for him
too. Ooh, I'm going to start crying.
So I don't talk about him too much. And I don't want to disrespect him either in our relationship.
(28:14):
With that all being said, when I met my siblings, especially your daughter,
because... Yes, my half-sister, your other daughter. Thank you for the correction.
See, that's why you're actually really a good example because you...
Yeah. Thank you for saying that. Thank you for asking that. Anyway,
you know, she looks like me.
So literally when I met her and she was 13, I looked at her and I remember 13
(28:35):
year old me who had like these bright eyes and imagination.
And I also wanted to be a model and I wanted to like go to Hollywood.
So I get to see her and I'm thinking, oh, is that what it would have looked
like if I had, if I had more confidence and support? port.
So I don't know, there's been a few moments where I've seen her and you to interact.
And I get, I don't, I don't think the word envious is correct,
but there's some kind of feeling where I'm like, oh, I'm adopted.
(28:58):
You guys all grew up together. And I've had that on both my birth mother and
your side, right? I mean, and I've learned from other people,
that's just a very familiar experience.
I don't know what the secret is to make us feel like we are part of the family,
totally all in part of the family.
So I don't know. It's another sort of interesting caveat of the reunion process
is when they do happen and they are successful.
It's challenging. sometimes to make sure everybody in the whole story feels
(29:21):
like nobody feels like they don't belong kind of thing.
And, you know, she shared with me before, she's like, oh, you're so lucky you
got to like get raised in this other family.
And, you know, I listened to her and she's like, oh, you're so lucky.
And I'm like, you know, so her and I have had some interesting conversations.
About my experiences versus her experiences and what could be different.
But I do think the biggest piece where I was kind of like, oh,
(29:41):
she's so lucky kind of thing is that she,
you know, know her mom's white obviously and well not
obviously because people don't know her but so she's mixed and that's
hence why we look very similar you know we have very similar hair and
skin and just shape in the whole thing no i got the baby i got yours we got
the nose i mean the whole thing i would say the hardest part and this is for
people that are listening like sweet maureen who left the testimonial that might
(30:03):
be considering search and reunion and definitely feel some sort of anxiety over
it it is a beautiful story that you and i have and it also it's not without challenges, of course.
My point I was trying to make was that my sweet sister, one of the things in
my story that made me envious or something was that she had you.
So she was able to grow up knowing her identity, her ethnic identity.
(30:25):
And I had put so much emphasis on that for me in my life because life made me do that, right?
Life has you asking what your, you know, every application has you check the
boxes and I never knew what boxes to check. And I always checked white until
I started questioning it.
And as I got older and I go to the doctor on my own or I'd apply for jobs, jobs, all these boxes.
I was like, well, I don't know if that's actually right.
And at some phase in my life, I even would check other and I would write in
(30:45):
there. I don't have a clue I'm adopted.
You know? Oh, I think I was envious that she had that like identity piece.
Yeah. Right. It had nothing to do with anything else. It was just that...
She knew who she was. She knew which boxes to check. She could be in touch with
like the culture and the, and I think that to me, that to me,
I kind of would say that was always a hard spot for me.
(31:09):
I went to college to Alabama thinking I was white and I started rushing white
sororities, Greek life, sorority and fraternity life is so big down in the South.
And it was huge at the University of Alabama where I went.
Actually, there's some silly old, I think it's a whole TikTok like documentary
thing is how big it is that Greek life in Alabama.
And I was just like trucking along in Alabama, going from white sorority to
(31:29):
white sorority to white sorority, pick me, pick me.
It's like this whole scene, not realizing that like 19 out of 20 of those sororities
were not going to pick me totally because they were like, well,
you're not, what are you? I mean, it was, it came down to race.
And so I got a real rude awakening when I went to Alabama.
And again, I didn't have anybody that I could talk to about it because I don't
(31:51):
even know if I could recognize it, but somebody called me.
Well, anyway, Alabama is where I got my like initiation into it, right?
Right. So I definitely had some real life racist and racial experiences in Alabama that threw me off.
I was not ready. I was not prepared and I had nobody to talk to about it.
(32:13):
And I think that's the piece where I was like, oh, she's so lucky that she's
never going to have to wonder what she was.
So all that to say, it's why I think these stories are so important.
So parents that are raising little me's,
Or agencies that are placing little me's or whatever the case may be.
Like, you have to tell us the truth so we can move forward and know who we are
(32:34):
and where we come from. Right. Yeah.
In closing, in closing, anything else?
Like, again, we've talked about our search, my search, our reunion.
We've talked about the beginning. beginning we've discussed some
policies and you know politics and all the horrible
you know wrongs that need to be righted and
(32:57):
things like that is there anything in closing
that you want to i mean tell the industry is there anything that anything in
closing that you have that you want to put out there well one thing is that
these are real lives that we're dealing with we're not a number,
(33:18):
We're not a commodity. You know, we're real people.
And, you know, we all have feelings and emotions.
Yeah, there's all kinds of circumstances that might lead up to something.
But, you know, when we're making these kind of choices and decisions,
I just want to make sure that people know it's going to affect those that are involved with it.
I mean, the baby's affected. The mother, father is affected.
(33:43):
And the grandparents are affected. So brothers and sisters, you know,
the whole family, we're all affected.
But one thing is that, you know, we want to make this world a better place.
Birth and bringing in new life is the beginning. We can't forget that.
So leading a child into a good life and not leaving, like in our situation,
(34:06):
leaving a bunch of unanswered questions, that's not the answer.
Amen. Well said. You asked.
I know the spirit you're channeling the Holy spirit.
Yeah. Well, thank you. I honestly, it's been like very, it's somebody I,
(34:29):
some people joke around with me and they're like, you found out in 2020 and
you know, the missing pieces.
So I'm technically like three and a half years old because I just,
you know, got a little bit of a new chance to move forward.
With, I think, more confidence and things like that, because there's a lot of
like hurt people walking around, whatever their story, right?
(34:50):
There's just seems to be a lot of hurt people. And, you know, it's not our fault.
And then we get, it happens, and then we get to choose what we do with it.
So, you know, technology is crazy, and it's like moving faster than the speed of light.
But thankfully, it existed in this case where I could, you know, find you.
And I don't think people that are keeping secrets right now should be sleeping
(35:14):
well at night. Oh, there goes the dogs.
There's too much connectivity out there for these secrets to continue to harbor.
So everybody just needs to broach the hard subjects and have the conversations.
Obviously, policies need to be and are being reviewed.
(35:34):
Since it is, just like other political issues, since it is a state-to-state thing.
Maybe it needs to be a federal law. I don't know. We leave these things up to
the states and every state's different.
So I don't see that it's going to be ending anytime soon that we have need for
adoption, but they need to change the checklist, if you will,
(35:55):
of like criteria and things that need to be met before you actually like remove
a baby from a house or hand a baby over to another family.
I wish that my parents that raised me were around to have these conversations with me.
I don't know. I was scared to have it with them. They made pretty clear to me
that this wasn't going to be a comfortable conversation.
(36:17):
So I took the easy road and did a lot of my searching and whatnot outside of them.
I wish now, knowing everything that I know, that I had the courage to talk to
them about some of these things more openly because they were both totally around
and cognitively available.
When my birth mother found me, I made one little mention about my birth mother
(36:37):
finding me and their reaction, especially my father,
the reaction was not, I mean, it was very much so like, we raised you for 30
years and now she wants to come in and know you? You know, it wasn't supported.
So I just met somebody this week for business purposes. I was on a call and
the girl happened to make a comment to me that she saw my, she asked me if I
(36:58):
was an advocate in the adoption industry.
And I said, well, I advocate for adoptees' rights and ability ability to access their information.
And she was like, oh, I'm adopted. And she shared her story with me and she
was shaking as she shared it.
And she said to me, I don't know if you hear my voice shaking,
but I'm nervous because I never talk about this. I didn't. Is that something we talk about?
(37:19):
And I'm like, no, it's not something that we talk about unless...
We need to talk about it and we take the steps to find other people that are
talking about it so we find the community and safe spaces and things like that.
But I do know good organizations.
On Your Feet Foundation is an organization that I met early on and they were
so kind to listen to my story.
(37:40):
And they're another group that heard my story and they were like,
we want you to tell your story because our community of people that we support
need to hear from you so they can understand like an adoptee perspective.
And I think we've been hiding for so long that, you know, now we're coming out
of the woodwork talking about it and it needs to be talked about because it's
kind of an ugly part of American culture that needs to be, the ship needs to be righted.
(38:06):
So that organization is, I know, one that I'm familiar with that supports the birth parents.
It's predominantly, I think their group is probably predominantly birth mothers,
but they also do hold space for fathers as well.
So, and I'll kind of put all these things in the podcast resources list,
but that organization, if there's any birth parents that might be struggling
(38:29):
or have any questions or want to find community, they can go to On Your Feet
Foundation. recommendation.
But anyway, I'm kind of committed to being an open book too.
So if anybody is interested in hearing more about my search and reunion process
or journey, if they need support, just a little extra support because you never
know what you're going to get on the other side.
(38:50):
You kind of have to know that when you go into it and be prepared to almost be let down again.
So anyway, I think that's it for now, but I really appreciate you being brave
and coming, you know, on.
And obviously, thank you for just opening up your whole, like, world to me again.
(39:10):
And I'm glad you're in my life and my family's. So thank you.
Yes, and we are too. We're glad that we have you in our family.
One thing I was thinking that, you know, just for any dads out there,
If they want to ever, you know, chat with me through you, contact you,
and let's do that, you know, because we need support.
I know my thing was I kind of dealt with two issues, was abortion was one thing.
(39:35):
Then it was the adoption side of it.
And I didn't want either one of them. So I know there's a lot of data out there
that, you know, we can talk about it. I'm glad that you invited me on.
Thank you. Thank you. you. I'm sure we'll get, usually people send me direct
messages and things like that. So we are both open.
(39:56):
So direct message if you have any questions for me or for my father.
And I encourage everybody to continue to share their stories and keep talking about it.
Have some grace and space for other people's perspectives.
This is our story. We're not imposing it on anybody else. We're just sharing
(40:16):
our story to help people make other decisions that might help their family story in the future as well.
I think we've all experienced in our situation, I'll speak for my birth mom too, healing.
She no longer has to harbor this secret she was holding.
We've talked to her and worked through that. And somehow you two are connected
(40:37):
on Facebook, which feels like a small miracle.
Who would have ever thought? lot. But, you know, there's a power in forgiveness.
And some stories that I've heard sound like totally unforgivable.
But still, there's got to be like a path that helps even the worst of circumstances
and the people involved in those horrible stories like move forward.
(40:58):
So that's what we're here for, to provide a little hope and some support.
So everybody can ultimately heal from like these
circumstances for which we were or
were not the you know we didn't
make these decisions and you're in my story but we
were hurt by them and now we're healing so thank you
(41:20):
thank you good thing we are thank you for being supportive and kind I appreciate
you I love you Bethany love you too oh they know my name I'm just they know
me I'm just yeah you know I don't like to give everybody's names out there because I'm not trying to,
you know, blow anybody's spot up.
(41:41):
But thank you. You are welcome back anytime.
Okay. Just let me know. Love you. Love you more.
Music.
They say there are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.
As you can imagine, it's complicated. And this is a really tough topic to sort through.
(42:05):
Like my birth father says, there are a lot of circumstances that lead up to
the ultimate decisions.
But let's not forget, what isn't changing is the fact that we're real people.
If we would just take the time to remember that there are real people involved,
then perhaps we'd be treated as such. the industry could operate from a different
place, a child-centered place, and perhaps the outcomes for many children could be different.
(42:30):
Imagine if my birth father had the rights to raise me as a responsible adult,
along with the help of his family, whether you think he could,
you know, afford to give me this beautiful life or not at that time, it's irrelevant.
I would have had connection, culture, community, family, a lot of the things
(42:51):
that I experienced, I wouldn't have had.
All that being said, I also experienced a very loving, supportive,
privileged life with the family that ultimately raised me.
So I have been able to come to a point where both can be true.
And that is the way that I have to operate or else I could continue to spin
(43:12):
and be upset about some of the things that did or didn't happen in my journey.
So it is true. My parents who raised me loves me and I love them.
And I think that's the point that I hear others that have a similar experience or perspective.
I am not saying that my experience growing up was not loving, supportive and kind.
(43:35):
I very much so had that. But even in light of that, it was difficult for me
to to move past the want and the curiosity and the feelings that came along with,
you know, feeling like I wasn't worthy of the truth.
I wasn't getting the whole story. People are lying all around me. And I knew it.
(43:57):
And they were. And I just had to live with it for over 40 years of my life until
I stood up and I didn't live that way anymore.
So it is complicated and it is possible. And two things can be true.
I just want to thank everybody for listening today and as we continue to say
we are here for you thank you for sharing listening writing a review sending
(44:23):
a message I appreciate you until next time.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
That explores the journey of adoption and self-discovery from the perspective of an adoptee.
I'm Bethany Frazier, your host. Join me as we dive into the raw,
unfiltered truths of this complicated and unique experience.
We'll focus on the truth, trust, and transparency, the power of community,
and sharing our stories.
(00:27):
Through personal narratives, expert interviews, and insightful discussions,
my number one purpose is to create a safe space for adoptees to share share
their stories, and connect with others who understand, so they're not left navigating alone.
This podcast also serves to inform the broader adoption constellation of what
our collective lived experience looks like, so they can support us,
(00:48):
raise us, teach us, and care for us better,
ultimately giving us the option to live fully supported, informed,
full, and connected lives.
We believe that by shedding light on the challenges and triumphs of adoption,
adoption we can inspire hope healing and a sense of belonging for all those
impacted so come along on this journey of self-discovery with me thank you so much for being here.
(01:16):
Welcome back for part two of the adoptee diaries which is the second half of
the conversation with my birth father thank you so much for joining thank you
for your comments after our last episode Thank you for your DMs,
for your testimonials, and thank you for sharing The Adoptee Diaries with those
who need to hear its message the most,
other adoptees, and those who care for us.
(01:37):
Music.
I look forward to creating more space for more conversations like this one with
(02:01):
my birth father, for more conversations that share perspectives of us who are hurt.
We're trying to heal and I don't have all the answers, but I know what's helped me.
And I am so excited to have the opportunity to share those resources and those
conversations with you.
So getting into the the painful and the sticky stuff is actually where we can find the truth.
(02:26):
If I did not want to dig in and really have some tough, uncomfortable conversations,
I don't think I'd be able to be here right now.
So thank you for being here and for being brave.
Okay, so let's dig into part two.
I'll just say, uncovering sort of the truth and the circumstances around my
(02:48):
adoption, It was so important to me, and it became only more important as I
got older, as I had children, as I sorted through life.
And I wanted to know, just because I'm a curious person, where I come from,
why I am who I am, medically, ethnically, culturally.
Like, there was just so many things, and not having so many answers.
(03:09):
Music.
It actually started to overwhelm me.
So I just want to say it may have taken two people to make me,
but I literally have this life because one man fought for me,
and that is my birth father.
I am so blessed that I found him.
And I continue to say for anybody that is searching, thinking about searching,
(03:30):
searched and did not have the results that maybe they were expecting or hoping for,
please, please know I am absolutely sending you love and hugs,
comfort. for it. You are brave.
I'm praying that you can find peace, even if you don't find what you're looking for.
(03:51):
My story is super rare. I had a man on the other side of it that was waiting
for me. I was stolen from him.
So I have two reunions with two people that made me, and one is rare. I have two.
So I want to be a resource for you. Like I said, if you're looking,
thought about out looking, looked, didn't get what you looked for.
(04:13):
It's complicated and you're not expected to do it alone.
With social media and all the different technology and ways we have to connect
with each other, I'm glad if you're here and you're hearing me say these words, I am here for you.
So without further ado, I'll go ahead and start part two of the reunion conversation
(04:36):
with Let us know what you think.
If you have any questions for either of us, you are not alone.
I would be looking at little kids that had, you know, light skin,
you know, pretty eyes, you know, is that my baby? You know, and,
you know, that would do that.
I just, I couldn't, I can't imagine thinking about having to exist,
(05:00):
having kids of my own if they were like gone.
I don't, I can't comprehend that.
Right. You know, it was like that. And the thing was now, if,
you know, a baby would have died, that's one thing you have to,
you know, deal with that, accept that. But her baby didn't die.
She's sunflat. And I wanted to be with her.
I wanted to, you know, hold her a little bit. I wanted to change them poopoo
(05:23):
diapers and everything, you know.
And I, you know, just wanted to raise, you know, my baby, you know.
But I didn't get that chance, you know. So I was, you know, kind of messed up in the head a little bit.
Emotionally, for sure, you know. You know, one good thing I can say is my family
around me, they were very supportive of me, you know.
(05:46):
But one thing I do notice, too, that I'll say, it was almost like that was how
things went back then, especially in a racial issue.
Like, oh, well, that's what happened, you know. Nobody never necessarily said
that, but that was just felt like a feeling for me back then.
As you know, you know, back then was a heavy, you know, civil rights thing going on.
(06:08):
Black and whites didn't mingle legally the tiny shit went on to slave days,
but this was different I didn't expect this you know so yeah I was hurt and
I just felt lost like I said I was looking around for my little baby I wanted
to find my baby where's my baby you know,
(06:30):
Yeah, I was not included in it. But as we're talking about this,
I'm thinking like, wow, you know, we have laws for abortion and that's a big political issue.
This needs to be on the table. And you know what? Never heard it.
All I heard was about abortion and that being a big thing.
This should be a part of it, the adoption side of it.
(06:51):
But then the parents, you know, how that decision is made that this should happen.
You know, I know there's a lot of guys that don't even want kids.
You know, they'll run away, whatever.
But this should be an issue that we bring to the table, you know,
on the political level, so that we can make some laws that will protect,
first of all, the baby, for sure.
(07:12):
Because if there's these people that are treating this little baby like it's a, you know, car,
you know, a commodity, a human being, and, you know, finding,
you know, know a buyer finding a seller you know
taking advantage of like you know you know young women that
maybe been economic not ready
(07:33):
to take care of a baby or whatever it might be and then here they come in swoop
in and okay well we can take that baby from you that's what's it i was not i
was naive until i started like researching and meeting with people that are
doing the work to change the laws that even allow that to happen um i remember
interviewing somebody who works on policy.
And he was saying, you know, if this was really about the baby,
(07:55):
we'd be working harder to ensure that like no stones left unturned to keeping
them with their biological family, that all resources go to the family to keep them together.
You know, we want to slam black fathers or fathers in general,
but we're not helping them financially with these things.
You know, I was just to complete the thought, I was telling you that I interviewed
(08:18):
somebody who was involved in the policy of adoption.
And his decades of research has uncovered time and time again,
it becomes about finding a baby for people that can't have children and want a baby.
Right. So it becomes about the parents that are looking to complete or create a family.
Let's go find them a baby versus we have a baby that's in a situation that needs
(08:39):
to be a good home needs to be found for, for whatever reason.
But, you know, the criteria, who decides what a good home is, right?
Like I was raised in the suburbs in a upper middle class family,
right? If you're, if you were middle or even lower or wherever you fell,
who's to determine that you're not, you're not capable.
And in your in our story it feels like my birth mother's family decided that for you,
and then the adoption helped the adoption agency helped her yeah sure
(09:01):
yeah yeah you you don't want it he can't raise it therefore we
have a family that's like my parents were on a list i just i was putting my
parents house because they were next in line yeah yeah it's so crazy there's
i mean sure there's in-home visits and there's some you know so i again i don't
speak on policy because i don't know what the rules are across the board so
and i'm not saying everybody's bad and definitely we're not saying that nobody's
saying that a child should be kept in an abusive situation.
(09:25):
Because you know if i was being abused and all those kinds
of things and being removed by cps because of these situations i i stand with
the advocates that say even still that child there needs to be policies in place
that the whole family like your aunt could have kept me potentially even if
you weren't fit like if you were completely deemed not fit and my birth mother's
(09:45):
family we completely thought you weren't fit and everybody,
you know, but I think the problem for me that I see, and I'm not the expert,
the issue is who can decide if you are able or capable of raising a baby and
then deciding, nope, you're not. And let's sell it to the next in line.
I mean, it's a, and you know, there's all kinds of thoughts on that.
So the political laws and the removal of safe abortions and like all these conversations.
(10:08):
So what does that mean? If we adhere to those rules and there's all these babies
on the market, then the industry is going to make make more money because they're
schlepping around more kids and dumping them in more homes without proper vetting.
And there's more of us then that grow up feeling like unconnected to culture
or not seeing people that look like us, feeling displaced and total erasure
of our history. It's just all totally wrong. And then look what it does to you.
Who knows how your life would be different if this all didn't happen to you, right? And mine.
(10:32):
So, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.
Isn't it a lot? Because with you and I, it's a lot. You know,
like you said, we both have our own, you know, experience.
But I'm glad you're giving me this opportunity to talk with you like this because,
you know, we talk all the time, but we don't necessarily talk about this.
So this is good, you know, and I hope it does help someone else like,
(10:52):
you know, a guy that's been going through what I've gone through.
I don't know any of my friends that have gone through what I've gone through.
You know, I know more. I know guys that have gone through abortion, you know.
None of them, they were, wanted the abortion, you know.
I don't know any guys that have had their baby taken away. Like, my.
So, yeah, I don't know any guy that's been like this, you know.
(11:13):
I know some folks that maybe, like, you know, have been adopted,
and I don't know the history about their life.
But I don't know anybody that, like, guys I can talk to say,
well, I had baby in there with Dawn, you know.
So, yeah, you know, it's something I know we, as a society, we definitely need
to address this issue because it's not fun, you know. Like you said,
if I would have been able to bring you into my family, it would have been more
(11:34):
like a natural thing, however that played out.
Even if you were with my aunt Pat that wanted to take you because that's what
she offered when I was running around my family. Oh, I got to get my baby.
I was asking different relatives, but she said, oh, no, no, I would take a baby.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, she, she's a sweet, my mother's my mother's
sister and she was ready to step in, you know, and play, you know, mom to you.
(11:59):
Who knows? I mean, this would have been different for me in a lot of ways,
perhaps. Like maybe I would have been so rude towards other women about my relationship
life, you know, because I was resentful that would happen, you know,
like not have an opportunity to make that decision on myself,
you know, and I was, I felt treated, you know, bad, you know, by.
Did you go through angry, like chip on your shoulder, going to kill someone, I hate the world?
(12:23):
Well, I was really mad. I know that. And I was angry with the birth mother's parents.
You know, I was angry with her, too. Because I know when we would talk sometimes,
I just would say, how could you do that?
That was my thing. How could you do that? You know, you gave your baby away?
Dummy? Why did you do that? You know, and like I say, we would cry together,
you know. But I was really angry with her.
(12:45):
Definitely could not see myself being girlfriend, boyfriend like that anymore
because you just gave me away.
I think I remember when you and I first met, you said something to the effect
of when you found out that my birth mother actually found me in 2005, I found you in 2020.
So 15 years, I had a relationship with her and she kept your name and identity
(13:07):
hidden. She would not tell me anything.
I remember, do I have it right? That you said you were upset that she had had
the ability to know me and my kids and like insert herself in my life and still
continue to withhold you from the story or that opportunity.
Yeah. I think I remember we talked about that a little bit. Yeah.
I mean, just the whole thing of her telling you she didn't know who I was.
Yeah. I mean, if she's diagnosed with some kind of mental thing,
(13:30):
I can understand it. Yeah.
Right. You know, so let me speak on behalf of the mothers in the room. Right. My takeaway is.
That there was trauma experienced, obviously, on both sides, all sides.
And I think hers, I'm not convinced that hers erased her memory,
although I'm not sure. I'm sure you could find some doctor that could say she
was so traumatized she actually forgot.
I don't think she forgot. She knows I don't think she forgot.
(13:52):
I do think it could have been a protective measure because perhaps people in
her world didn't know the whole truth.
It was hard for me to digest what she was always telling me over those 15 years
before I found you myself.
Because when I did find you, she was like, oh, you found him.
And I was like, oh, there was no like, who's that? I don't know him,
you know? So it doesn't sit well with me. It didn't sit well with me.
And for the birth mothers listening and in the room and any other adoptees or
(14:14):
whatever, a lot of people ask me how I digest and comprehend all of this when
it comes to her and her lies or withholding the truth.
And as upset as I am, and we talked about this before, I try to understand she
was going through something as well.
How traumatic for her, for her whole family to say, we will not,
we will disown you if and and
(14:34):
she held those secrets like i said even after her mother passed she
still wouldn't tell me the truth she so i
try to just give room in the story for everybody to
do whatever they needed to do to cope you're also an adult now and you found
god and you have turned into a like responsible human so you know i have a 21
year old son right now you were his age when you had me right i would probably
(14:57):
kick him in the butt if he came home right now and said i'm having having a
baby, you know, so he's child. Yeah.
So I try to leave room for all those things in these stories,
which is what makes reunion possible.
I have, I have a beautiful testimonial that somebody just put on my web on my podcast.
I just saw it yesterday. This person, I don't know them. They made a comment
about, gosh, I almost want to read it, but I don't know if I'll find it fast enough.
(15:19):
Well, did you see this by chance? I posted it on my Instagram.
I'm going to read it. I'll read it because then the listeners can hear it too. So this is.
A testimonial that somebody posted on January 1st this year on the Adoptee Diaries podcast.
And it says, as an adoptee still anxious, intense over undertaking a search
for my birth family, this was just the podcast episode I was craving.
(15:42):
Bethany shares her adoptee experience with a focus on her identity and the value
in healing that came from putting the pieces together via a DNA test.
While I know healing isn't a guarantee, Bethany's story is a great inspiration
to me and And as a model example of the feelings and experiences I may have
as I begin to uncover the secrets of my origin, hearing her story makes me feel
braver to move forward into the unknown because it's not wholly unknown to me anymore.
(16:05):
After listening, the adoptee experience is so unique and one I don't get to
hear unless I seek it out to those who are wondering what finding your birth
family can look and feel like this is an amazing podcast.
And I saw that yesterday, right before I was like getting, you know,
I was getting nervous to have, we talk all the time, but it was nervous.
It's, it's nerve wracking for me to have you on because I feel protective of you and your story.
And it's also nerve-wracking to me because I want to do our story justice
and I want to we're sharing it I share it and thank you for
(16:28):
also sharing your side because it's important that people hear and that testimonial
I was like oh thank you for like putting it all in perspective of why I even
set out to do this in the first place because there are still people that exist
that are searching there are people that are thinking about searching don't
think it's possible there are people that might experience reunion and it didn't
go well you know there's there's just so many stories you never know so I just
wanted to like carve out this little space on the internet for people like sweet
(16:49):
Maureen who left that testimonial,
we helped someone, you know, and that was what the whole thing was about.
So you being present opens it up to perhaps father's hearing and it opens it
up to adoptive parents hearing from you because let us, if we'll just make up stories.
And if we didn't know you, we can make up a story that you were like some big monster.
I was saved by my adoptive parents and family because they took me out of like
(17:10):
racist, horrible Buffalo and move me on.
Well, they hid, you know, there's a whole, we can break them down on another
day, but actually let's talk about them for a second. Like, how do you feel
about my parents who raised me?
Because I'm like, they stole you, me from you, legally. Yeah,
they didn't do it, I guess, on purpose, like necessarily.
But well, you know, again, I'm thankful that they were the good people that
(17:30):
you tell me they are. They were your dad.
I'm thankful for that because they could have been another type of people that
were trying to get a welfare check.
Yeah, and there are. They exist. They still exist. And I've met the babies that
they got. And it's a lot of hurt people walking around.
Are you angry? Do you feel angry at them? or no you
know um i don't feel angry at all but i guess i kind of if i had a perfect world
(17:55):
with that whole thing would have been like i could have shared your relationship
with them as you were growing up like that and but in a certain way that wasn't
gonna work that way it was like it took you away not them but you know the system
took you away and hid you over there
but no i'm not mad at them you know i know that a lot of folks you know they
can't have children they want to have children you know because there's something
(18:16):
special about having children,
as you know so they wanted that you know so i'm glad for them you know that they had that chance.
I wish i could have had that chance right to help raise you at that time
right you know the other thing that i think about through the
times i didn't know you and now you know
people didn't think about your feelings how you were feeling not
(18:37):
knowing i hear you talk about it wow that must have been you know
a terrible experience you know as nice
as it looked with the white picket fence and you know the nice
schools you went to with the uniforms and everything
and your pigtails curly pigtails with dark
skin not knowing anything because nobody's saying anything but in your heart
you know something that you're not white i think about you like that like wow
(19:01):
that that's a terrible experience i have to live like you know you know you're
the first people you're the first people that said that yeah you guys were the
first people that ever acknowledged well and And my partner,
who I never really name on here, but you know who I'm talking about.
He, when he entered my life, my loving and supportive partner entered my life in 2017.
And it was really him who I credit with sort of reopening the can of worms that
(19:23):
I had tried to go at by myself.
He was the first person in my life that was like, yeah, you're not supposed
to know where you come from.
I remember one of his family members gifted everybody in the family a book.
And it's this total historic log of his family, generations back,
filled with pictures and names. And it's this beautiful hardcover book.
And he was... Him and really his mom, they were both very...
(19:47):
So adamant that I am not supposed to not know the things that I don't know.
Like I am supposed, I have a right to know these things and it floored them.
And I hadn't, I guess I just swept it aside because nobody else in my world
would like listen to me wanting to know this information.
Except for, I'll say my one roommate back in the day who was also adopted and
she found her birth mother, her father, she found, and he was like,
I don't know, you get out of here. So she experienced both.
Somebody who was warm and open and then somebody who was like,
(20:10):
totally turned her away.
And I saw her react to both those reunions in the respective way she She had to react to them.
That was long before I had my reunion. But outside of her, my partner was the
first person that brought it up again, many, many, many years later.
And then, so he's the one that inspired me to do the DNA test and finally find
out at least what ethnicity-wise what I was so I can start answering those questions
and not feel like such an imposter. Like I had no idea what it was.
(20:31):
But when I met you and actually your son, my beautiful brother,
half-brother, he said to me one day, I feel so bad for you.
I cannot believe you went. You know, your sister says to me,
you say to me. So you guys really were the first people even,
and I'm thinking, you're thinking about my feelings.
I'm thinking about how you got robbed, you know? So I think our mutual sort
of, each of us stepped into each other's shoes and we're like,
wow, this really stinks what happened to us.
(20:52):
And I think it's why together we're sort of like, let's, we're here now.
So we're going to make the best of it going forward.
Yeah. Well, you know, I think, you know, for me, it's kind of like as a father,
you know, I think about how my job as a father to take care of you and all that
kind of stuff, I couldn't do it.
You know, my hands were tied and I feel bad about that, you know?
You know, and I guess I feel bad for you because when I hear you say those things,
(21:13):
I'm thinking like, man, that's such a, a bad thing for a child.
When you're really small, maybe they make that much difference.
But as you grew up, you started to have your own thinking, your reasoning and
stuff and you're thinking like, who am I? Where am I?
And then if them bad kids would call you bad names, it's like,
well, am I? Or no, I'm not. You know what I'm saying? Like, wow.
That's really unfair to you. And I don't like that.
(21:36):
You know, that you have to go through that. Then you went through adulthood.
Who, you know, same thing, you know, or you don't really know what you know in your heart.
And I got to admit that I don't think it was fair on what your birth mom did
once you connected with her. Because that could have began a healing journey at that point.
But her being stubborn and wherever she was at, not, you know, thinking about you.
(21:59):
I think she didn't think about you. She thought about herself and whatever agreements
she made in her thing, you know, which I don't like that.
You're part of me. And that's what I hurt for that, for you,
you know, that you had to experience that.
No parent wants their kid to have any pain. a little knee cut
when they fall down or this is
even worse than a knee cut this is a life of not
(22:21):
having some of the answers that you need it well i'm
where should i send the therapy bill well you
can start with your grandma i'm just kidding no she's a psychologist she's into
that kind of thing you know wait i wanted to um wait hold on i'm gonna bring
i am getting something so we're not going to be on you know it's a podcast and
(22:42):
it's audio only so nobody will see this but i'm going going to talk about it,
and then I'm going to post a picture of it.
So we have just a handful of minutes left, so I want to make sure I talk about
something that was super special to me, if I can fix this.
So just for everybody listening, I am on video right now recording with my birth
father, so he can see me, but we only, just to protect everybody's privacy and
(23:02):
whatnot, I choose to do this podcast audio only.
However, I want to show you, because I can't get it when I,
so let me just jump to something really fast, so I can talk about this beautiful
thing that happened, because because I see it commented on, other people keep
commenting, adoptees on Instagram that I follow and such, there's such a huge
conversation and everybody is really open with whatever they're experiencing.
So it's really nice that we all have each other.
(23:22):
But one of the things that I recently saw was, well, I continue to see periodically
stories that remind us that we're all connected to you, birth parents and families
and ancestors, even if we don't know who you are.
So one of my takeaways was, even though I don't know who I come from.
When I didn't know where I came from and who my ancestors were and everything like that.
How do I, how do I help other people who are wondering the same things I was
(23:46):
wondering that didn't get to have the connection that now I've experienced?
And this little story I'm going to share and I'll post a picture of what I'm talking about. out.
When my birth father and I first met via social media, right?
I contacted you on Facebook and we talked about that earlier.
But when we first started, then we kind of graduated our relationship.
Once we trusted each other, we're like, okay, we really are like daddy daughter.
(24:07):
We didn't need the DNA test because the story matched because we look alike, all that kind of stuff.
You started sharing your story with me and you started telling me when you left
Buffalo, then you went to Hawaii and had yourself a time in Hawaii.
Ultimately, grandma and some
members of your family moved to Cali and you were telling me the story.
And I kept hearing, oh, he went to Hawaii. Oh, he was in California.
Eventually he moved to California.
And on my neck, as you were talking, I realized I was wearing my necklace.
(24:30):
I don't have it on today because I actually broke the chain on my necklace.
Do you remember me telling you this?
Okay. So this is right after we met, you're telling me your stories.
And I kind of like grasped, grabbed my necklace and I was like, whoa, I have a necklace.
Somebody gave me, California has always been a very special place to me.
I used to go there a lot because I just thought I was supposed to be in Hollywood.
Then actually, as I grew up, I just loved Cali and the climate and the people
and the vibe. And I always told myself I was going to get there.
(24:51):
And I did get there. In 2017, I moved to the Bay Area. Job took me out there. I was so excited.
And ultimately, I had to come back East for a multitude of reasons.
But I had this necklace on with a California charm. And then the other charm
I got from my mom who raised me, it was when she went to Hawaii with her and
my dad went to Hawaii for, I think it was somebody in the family's anniversary.
And she gave me her a little piece of coral from Hawaii.
So on my necklace, I wear my little piece of coral and my little California
(25:13):
charm. And I put them together for no particular reason. And I wore this necklace.
And as you were telling me the story soon, Like really soon after we met,
I was like, gosh, those two places are very special to me.
I did some, you know, healing stuff, bad relationship, blah,
blah, after college. And I wound up going to Hawaii and just finding it heavenly and healing.
And then also California was a very healing and lovely place that I went to.
I say all this to say, so I know the people listening can't see it,
(25:35):
but I'm going to post it on social media, the little necklace so they can see what I'm talking about.
That was a sign to me that like, no matter what you can take,
you know, the girl out of the house or the girl away from the baby away from
blood, but we're all still connected.
Right. And that was something I just wanted to, I think it would be a nice place
to like close is to sort of remind people about the ties that bind us.
We, we sometimes adoptees and I speak for myself and then the others that have
(25:57):
shared the same sentiment with me, we feel like unconnected.
I know when we're either adopted by parents that aren't our race or like me,
I didn't even know what the heck race I was.
We don't feel connected to culture, you know, things like that.
So it was was so nice for me when I met you to be able to come to know the side
that everybody took great lengths to hide and everybody took great lengths to erase.
And now I found it and it was so nice. But even beyond that,
(26:17):
it felt like there's so many little connections.
You know, I, you guys, I don't know, it just, I lived 40 minutes away from my
grandma and my aunt and from where you were when you lived in California,
right? You guys were in the Oakland area. I was in San Jose.
So to find that out later, and
I keep seeing these stories that people are sharing when they find out,
you know oh my sister was in my school or my i live
down the street from my parents or you know there's all these little things and i think there's some
(26:40):
what is i call that like universal sort of tie that
binds nobody can break it even though they try that sounds
i know i'm a little woo-woo for you but do you feel like do you feel like that
was a little strange coincidence or do you think that was some sort of like
divine power like pushing us sort of together even though everybody tried to
keep us apart what are your thoughts about or is it just coincidence and i'm
too woo-woo for you well well first of all i don't believe in coincidence that's
things aren't like that no i believe that this was like you know we were supposed
(27:05):
to be together supposed to meet,
even though whatever happened and all that stuff you know we were supposed to
be at that place together and during your you know period of time over there
i mean i didn't really plan on going to california except for like you said
my mom there my sister they were working in that area
um so i would go there but you know i i just thought about something you were saying that,
(27:26):
your little sister my daughter other daughter she got this hollywood thing too too, right?
Going on. My little sister, she's such a little, like, baddie.
I love watching her. Yep. She's, you know, got a lot of you in there.
I love it. Let me just say for a second, too, for, of course,
anybody that are siblings potentially listening to the show,
you know, I grew up with a brother. We were both adopted.
(27:50):
We, our parents had us in a nice, nuclear, like, loving family and things like
that. Outside of that, we didn't have too much in common. There's love there, of course.
But, you know, siblings, siblings, like blood siblings.
I don't know if he would agree with me, but we were sister and brother because
we were told we were sister and brother.
And it's hard for me. I don't talk about him too much because I'm sad for him
too. Ooh, I'm going to start crying.
So I don't talk about him too much. And I don't want to disrespect him either in our relationship.
(28:14):
With that all being said, when I met my siblings, especially your daughter,
because... Yes, my half-sister, your other daughter. Thank you for the correction.
See, that's why you're actually really a good example because you...
Yeah. Thank you for saying that. Thank you for asking that. Anyway,
you know, she looks like me.
So literally when I met her and she was 13, I looked at her and I remember 13
(28:35):
year old me who had like these bright eyes and imagination.
And I also wanted to be a model and I wanted to like go to Hollywood.
So I get to see her and I'm thinking, oh, is that what it would have looked
like if I had, if I had more confidence and support? port.
So I don't know, there's been a few moments where I've seen her and you to interact.
And I get, I don't, I don't think the word envious is correct,
but there's some kind of feeling where I'm like, oh, I'm adopted.
(28:58):
You guys all grew up together. And I've had that on both my birth mother and
your side, right? I mean, and I've learned from other people,
that's just a very familiar experience.
I don't know what the secret is to make us feel like we are part of the family,
totally all in part of the family.
So I don't know. It's another sort of interesting caveat of the reunion process
is when they do happen and they are successful.
It's challenging. sometimes to make sure everybody in the whole story feels
(29:21):
like nobody feels like they don't belong kind of thing.
And, you know, she shared with me before, she's like, oh, you're so lucky you
got to like get raised in this other family.
And, you know, I listened to her and she's like, oh, you're so lucky.
And I'm like, you know, so her and I have had some interesting conversations.
About my experiences versus her experiences and what could be different.
But I do think the biggest piece where I was kind of like, oh,
(29:41):
she's so lucky kind of thing is that she,
you know, know her mom's white obviously and well not
obviously because people don't know her but so she's mixed and that's
hence why we look very similar you know we have very similar hair and
skin and just shape in the whole thing no i got the baby i got yours we got
the nose i mean the whole thing i would say the hardest part and this is for
people that are listening like sweet maureen who left the testimonial that might
(30:03):
be considering search and reunion and definitely feel some sort of anxiety over
it it is a beautiful story that you and i have and it also it's not without challenges, of course.
My point I was trying to make was that my sweet sister, one of the things in
my story that made me envious or something was that she had you.
So she was able to grow up knowing her identity, her ethnic identity.
(30:25):
And I had put so much emphasis on that for me in my life because life made me do that, right?
Life has you asking what your, you know, every application has you check the
boxes and I never knew what boxes to check. And I always checked white until
I started questioning it.
And as I got older and I go to the doctor on my own or I'd apply for jobs, jobs, all these boxes.
I was like, well, I don't know if that's actually right.
And at some phase in my life, I even would check other and I would write in
(30:45):
there. I don't have a clue I'm adopted.
You know? Oh, I think I was envious that she had that like identity piece.
Yeah. Right. It had nothing to do with anything else. It was just that...
She knew who she was. She knew which boxes to check. She could be in touch with
like the culture and the, and I think that to me, that to me,
I kind of would say that was always a hard spot for me.
(31:09):
I went to college to Alabama thinking I was white and I started rushing white
sororities, Greek life, sorority and fraternity life is so big down in the South.
And it was huge at the University of Alabama where I went.
Actually, there's some silly old, I think it's a whole TikTok like documentary
thing is how big it is that Greek life in Alabama.
And I was just like trucking along in Alabama, going from white sorority to
(31:29):
white sorority to white sorority, pick me, pick me.
It's like this whole scene, not realizing that like 19 out of 20 of those sororities
were not going to pick me totally because they were like, well,
you're not, what are you? I mean, it was, it came down to race.
And so I got a real rude awakening when I went to Alabama.
And again, I didn't have anybody that I could talk to about it because I don't
(31:51):
even know if I could recognize it, but somebody called me.
Well, anyway, Alabama is where I got my like initiation into it, right?
Right. So I definitely had some real life racist and racial experiences in Alabama that threw me off.
I was not ready. I was not prepared and I had nobody to talk to about it.
(32:13):
And I think that's the piece where I was like, oh, she's so lucky that she's
never going to have to wonder what she was.
So all that to say, it's why I think these stories are so important.
So parents that are raising little me's,
Or agencies that are placing little me's or whatever the case may be.
Like, you have to tell us the truth so we can move forward and know who we are
(32:34):
and where we come from. Right. Yeah.
In closing, in closing, anything else?
Like, again, we've talked about our search, my search, our reunion.
We've talked about the beginning. beginning we've discussed some
policies and you know politics and all the horrible
you know wrongs that need to be righted and
(32:57):
things like that is there anything in closing
that you want to i mean tell the industry is there anything that anything in
closing that you have that you want to put out there well one thing is that
these are real lives that we're dealing with we're not a number,
(33:18):
We're not a commodity. You know, we're real people.
And, you know, we all have feelings and emotions.
Yeah, there's all kinds of circumstances that might lead up to something.
But, you know, when we're making these kind of choices and decisions,
I just want to make sure that people know it's going to affect those that are involved with it.
I mean, the baby's affected. The mother, father is affected.
(33:43):
And the grandparents are affected. So brothers and sisters, you know,
the whole family, we're all affected.
But one thing is that, you know, we want to make this world a better place.
Birth and bringing in new life is the beginning. We can't forget that.
So leading a child into a good life and not leaving, like in our situation,
(34:06):
leaving a bunch of unanswered questions, that's not the answer.
Amen. Well said. You asked.
I know the spirit you're channeling the Holy spirit.
Yeah. Well, thank you. I honestly, it's been like very, it's somebody I,
(34:29):
some people joke around with me and they're like, you found out in 2020 and
you know, the missing pieces.
So I'm technically like three and a half years old because I just,
you know, got a little bit of a new chance to move forward.
With, I think, more confidence and things like that, because there's a lot of
like hurt people walking around, whatever their story, right?
(34:50):
There's just seems to be a lot of hurt people. And, you know, it's not our fault.
And then we get, it happens, and then we get to choose what we do with it.
So, you know, technology is crazy, and it's like moving faster than the speed of light.
But thankfully, it existed in this case where I could, you know, find you.
And I don't think people that are keeping secrets right now should be sleeping
(35:14):
well at night. Oh, there goes the dogs.
There's too much connectivity out there for these secrets to continue to harbor.
So everybody just needs to broach the hard subjects and have the conversations.
Obviously, policies need to be and are being reviewed.
(35:34):
Since it is, just like other political issues, since it is a state-to-state thing.
Maybe it needs to be a federal law. I don't know. We leave these things up to
the states and every state's different.
So I don't see that it's going to be ending anytime soon that we have need for
adoption, but they need to change the checklist, if you will,
(35:55):
of like criteria and things that need to be met before you actually like remove
a baby from a house or hand a baby over to another family.
I wish that my parents that raised me were around to have these conversations with me.
I don't know. I was scared to have it with them. They made pretty clear to me
that this wasn't going to be a comfortable conversation.
(36:17):
So I took the easy road and did a lot of my searching and whatnot outside of them.
I wish now, knowing everything that I know, that I had the courage to talk to
them about some of these things more openly because they were both totally around
and cognitively available.
When my birth mother found me, I made one little mention about my birth mother
(36:37):
finding me and their reaction, especially my father,
the reaction was not, I mean, it was very much so like, we raised you for 30
years and now she wants to come in and know you? You know, it wasn't supported.
So I just met somebody this week for business purposes. I was on a call and
the girl happened to make a comment to me that she saw my, she asked me if I
(36:58):
was an advocate in the adoption industry.
And I said, well, I advocate for adoptees' rights and ability ability to access their information.
And she was like, oh, I'm adopted. And she shared her story with me and she
was shaking as she shared it.
And she said to me, I don't know if you hear my voice shaking,
but I'm nervous because I never talk about this. I didn't. Is that something we talk about?
(37:19):
And I'm like, no, it's not something that we talk about unless...
We need to talk about it and we take the steps to find other people that are
talking about it so we find the community and safe spaces and things like that.
But I do know good organizations.
On Your Feet Foundation is an organization that I met early on and they were
so kind to listen to my story.
(37:40):
And they're another group that heard my story and they were like,
we want you to tell your story because our community of people that we support
need to hear from you so they can understand like an adoptee perspective.
And I think we've been hiding for so long that, you know, now we're coming out
of the woodwork talking about it and it needs to be talked about because it's
kind of an ugly part of American culture that needs to be, the ship needs to be righted.
(38:06):
So that organization is, I know, one that I'm familiar with that supports the birth parents.
It's predominantly, I think their group is probably predominantly birth mothers,
but they also do hold space for fathers as well.
So, and I'll kind of put all these things in the podcast resources list,
but that organization, if there's any birth parents that might be struggling
(38:29):
or have any questions or want to find community, they can go to On Your Feet
Foundation. recommendation.
But anyway, I'm kind of committed to being an open book too.
So if anybody is interested in hearing more about my search and reunion process
or journey, if they need support, just a little extra support because you never
know what you're going to get on the other side.
(38:50):
You kind of have to know that when you go into it and be prepared to almost be let down again.
So anyway, I think that's it for now, but I really appreciate you being brave
and coming, you know, on.
And obviously, thank you for just opening up your whole, like, world to me again.
(39:10):
And I'm glad you're in my life and my family's. So thank you.
Yes, and we are too. We're glad that we have you in our family.
One thing I was thinking that, you know, just for any dads out there,
If they want to ever, you know, chat with me through you, contact you,
and let's do that, you know, because we need support.
I know my thing was I kind of dealt with two issues, was abortion was one thing.
(39:35):
Then it was the adoption side of it.
And I didn't want either one of them. So I know there's a lot of data out there
that, you know, we can talk about it. I'm glad that you invited me on.
Thank you. Thank you. you. I'm sure we'll get, usually people send me direct
messages and things like that. So we are both open.
(39:56):
So direct message if you have any questions for me or for my father.
And I encourage everybody to continue to share their stories and keep talking about it.
Have some grace and space for other people's perspectives.
This is our story. We're not imposing it on anybody else. We're just sharing
(40:16):
our story to help people make other decisions that might help their family story in the future as well.
I think we've all experienced in our situation, I'll speak for my birth mom too, healing.
She no longer has to harbor this secret she was holding.
We've talked to her and worked through that. And somehow you two are connected
(40:37):
on Facebook, which feels like a small miracle.
Who would have ever thought? lot. But, you know, there's a power in forgiveness.
And some stories that I've heard sound like totally unforgivable.
But still, there's got to be like a path that helps even the worst of circumstances
and the people involved in those horrible stories like move forward.
(40:58):
So that's what we're here for, to provide a little hope and some support.
So everybody can ultimately heal from like these
circumstances for which we were or
were not the you know we didn't
make these decisions and you're in my story but we
were hurt by them and now we're healing so thank you
(41:20):
thank you good thing we are thank you for being supportive and kind I appreciate
you I love you Bethany love you too oh they know my name I'm just they know
me I'm just yeah you know I don't like to give everybody's names out there because I'm not trying to,
you know, blow anybody's spot up.
(41:41):
But thank you. You are welcome back anytime.
Okay. Just let me know. Love you. Love you more.
Music.
They say there are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.
As you can imagine, it's complicated. And this is a really tough topic to sort through.
(42:05):
Like my birth father says, there are a lot of circumstances that lead up to
the ultimate decisions.
But let's not forget, what isn't changing is the fact that we're real people.
If we would just take the time to remember that there are real people involved,
then perhaps we'd be treated as such. the industry could operate from a different
place, a child-centered place, and perhaps the outcomes for many children could be different.
(42:30):
Imagine if my birth father had the rights to raise me as a responsible adult,
along with the help of his family, whether you think he could,
you know, afford to give me this beautiful life or not at that time, it's irrelevant.
I would have had connection, culture, community, family, a lot of the things
(42:51):
that I experienced, I wouldn't have had.
All that being said, I also experienced a very loving, supportive,
privileged life with the family that ultimately raised me.
So I have been able to come to a point where both can be true.
And that is the way that I have to operate or else I could continue to spin
(43:12):
and be upset about some of the things that did or didn't happen in my journey.
So it is true. My parents who raised me loves me and I love them.
And I think that's the point that I hear others that have a similar experience or perspective.
I am not saying that my experience growing up was not loving, supportive and kind.
(43:35):
I very much so had that. But even in light of that, it was difficult for me
to to move past the want and the curiosity and the feelings that came along with,
you know, feeling like I wasn't worthy of the truth.
I wasn't getting the whole story. People are lying all around me. And I knew it.
(43:57):
And they were. And I just had to live with it for over 40 years of my life until
I stood up and I didn't live that way anymore.
So it is complicated and it is possible. And two things can be true.
I just want to thank everybody for listening today and as we continue to say
we are here for you thank you for sharing listening writing a review sending
(44:23):
a message I appreciate you until next time.
Music.
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