Remembering Agency within Despair (A Vision)

Doug recounts a transformative visionary experience that occurred during a family RV trip to Colorado in 2020 or 2021. In Leadville, the highest city in the country at 10,000 feet, he ran ten miles and then consumed a powerful cannabis edible—his first time using cannabis in 10-15 years. Not knowing what he was doing, he ate an entire potent gummy, then smoked more weed, which launched him into an intense three-hour experience.

The Descent into Hell

Doug describes this period as "complete and total existential despair"—a literal descent into hell within his own psyche. He was bombarded with messages of worthlessness: "Abandon all hope, for there is none. The whole of you has always been false and a lie. You are nothing." This experience amplified his deepest insecurities, particularly around having kept his exploration of the Law of One material secret during the darkest seven-year period of his life (2013-2020). His imposter syndrome intensified to unbearable levels as he imagined his family discovering his perceived phoniness. He experienced such intense terror that he physically trembled and writhed, even contemplating that his family would be better off if he killed himself.

Visually, he saw twisted, malformed, grotesque beings—viscera, lower chakra colors, volcanic orange fire, and a blackness that wasn't void but malice itself. He describes this as "dark light"—blackness inverted from void to malice rather than void to love.

The Turning Point: Agency and Belonging

At the lowest point, Doug received an internal nudge reminding him of cognitive behavioral principles: these thoughts and feelings were something he had created, not something creating him. He realized he'd always had a defense mechanism but now had to enact it at the deepest level ever.

As he flew at 100 miles per hour over volcanic craters with demons pulling him down, he began repeating: "And you belong. And you belong. And I understand." He recognized these disintegrated parts—splintered through this lifetime and past lifetimes—as his own creations. Even negative external entities belonged because he is the creator. By saying "you belong," he cut the cords of shame and guilt. The arrows still hurt, but they no longer mounted one upon another or killed him—they bounced off.

This awakened him to a greater truth that had been completely covered: he has agency. The word "Satan" means "the accuser"—the disintegrated energy level that accuses us of never having been whole.

The Sacred Yes and Ascent

Once Doug awakened to his agential self, he stopped being propelled by a force stronger than him. He declared his "sacred yes": "I desire to bring the light of wholeness. I desire to bring the light of Christ." For Doug, "Christ" represents the singularity of manifested wholeness—a code word invested with 2,000 years of human ritual and belief. Gold, the color of wholeness made manifest, became his experience.

At this declaration, an explosion of golden luminosity occurred—a big bang bringing wholeness into the depths of hell within his psyche. He began blessing everything rather than being cursed by it. This shifted his energetic space, transporting him to a perspective higher than the hell realms.

The Heaven Realms and the Great Realization

Doug found himself in what he calls the heaven realms, surrounded by heavenly beings attentive to him. He belonged there and flew in the golden hue, bathed in hope after the funk of despair. When he looked down at the hell realms and saw the demonic beings looking up angrily, he didn't feel pure bliss. Instead, he felt what all the beings around him felt: the joy of wholeness simultaneously connected with great sadness that those below have, in a way, chosen to be miserable.

The crucial insight: there was no line separating hell from heaven. The difference is that when one only desires disintegration, it doesn't occur to self that you have agency to transcend. From below, those in heaven appear as "other." From above, those in hell are seen as "us"—welcome to come up. The suffering Doug felt was the realization that the pain doesn't have to be this way, but we create our own hells—energetic vibrational streams of consciousness in the spectrum of separation.

Integration: Metaphysical and Psychological Truth

Doug emphasizes that while this was a visionary experience, it's metaphysically, archetypally, mythologically, and psychologically true. He connects it directly to his counseling work: when clients learn through courage to live in greater spaciousness and choose higher-grade responses instead of status quo reactions, they move from one frequency (perhaps hellish realms) into realms of integration and wholeness. It's all one reality, just described with different words.

Good counselors, he argues, offer the "lore" of myths—these visionary experiences can be found in comic books, fantasy novels, or