June 20, 2024 • 43 mins
This episode delves into the significance of having fun amidst busy lives. Our hosts share their exhilarating weekend experience at the international event, Le Dîner en Blanc, held in Decatur. They describe the joy of dressing in white, dining at a secret location, and dancing the night away with friends.
They reflect on the necessity of carving out time for fun, especially during challenging phases like divorce or intense work periods. The conversation touches on the balance between self-care and obligations, and how making time for joy can rejuvenate the soul and enhance creativity.
Join us as we explore how these moments of joy and connection can make life feel more vibrant and fulfilling.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, tonight we're asking ourselves, or we're examining the importance of fun.
Yes. The importance of having fun. Which we did have fun. We have had a weekend
where we got to have some quite unique fun, I think.
Don't y'all agree? Yes. So we have an international event that they hold here in Decatur.
(00:54):
Lauren, you're a little more involved. Le Diner en Blanc.
So we did that last night. It was so good. It was one of my favorite ones we've
had so far. Yeah, and my voice is still sore.
Are you still raspy from screaming all of the songs?
Yeah, the band was fabulous. Yes, the band was fabulous. And I got all of my
exercise for a week and the dancing. Should we tell them what the event is?
(01:19):
So, yeah, it's Danielle Blanc. And it's the one that we have in Decatur is one of two in Alabama.
So it's and it's international. So there I can't remember how many cities.
I probably should know how many cities because I'm a table leader usually. But no, we had a big time.
It's where you like, you take, you dress in all white and you either,
you take dinner or you buy dinner or you rent tables and chairs or you take tables and chairs.
(01:42):
You meet at a secret location and you set everything up. You eat dinner and
you light sparklers and then you have a big party afterward and then you take
everything away and it's just great.
So I ran, I was talking to our friend Kathy last night and she said,
you know what this is like. I said, what? She said, a reception.
It's like a huge wedding reception without a bride and groom.
(02:04):
Yeah. I was like, yeah, without cake, unless you brought it.
But yeah, we all, you have a good meal. You have a fabulous band.
You're there with your friends. Everybody's dressed up. But it's outside and
it's pretty and it's very like. It makes some good photos. Yeah. It's beautiful.
She has a good time. Yeah. So we had a really good time. And I don't know,
I, that I kind of set set aside.
I kind of chiseled out yesterday for getting ready for that because I had a crazy work week.
(02:28):
It has been non-stop. Because we're doing a camp and rehearsals.
So when I got to the weekend, I was like, all right, this is what's happening
today. And then I took off.
I took off my church job this morning just to like rest because I know I'm about to have another week.
So it's just it's really important to chisel out that time for the fun things,
(02:52):
for the for whatever is going to make you have the best time.
And it has to happen often, especially if you're a busy person.
It makes you feel alive. But I can also see, Lauren, with your schedule,
especially when you're so overwhelmed with work, like truly working these 10, 11-hour days,
that you would just want a weekend to do nothing, to make it chill and just rest.
(03:15):
But instead, I saw you dancing, so you were just completely at it for another couple hours.
But it is truly for our mental, for our hearts and our souls to feel that alive.
For that event, I'm a table leader.
And so I have to do, there's things at the beginning of the,
like leading up to the event, I have to do things to be in charge of it.
(03:35):
And then when we arrive, I have to do some work.
And then at the very end, I have to make sure everybody's good.
But as soon as I do that work, once we get there, it's just a fun time.
I looked at my friend went with me and I looked at her and I was like, now my job is done.
So now it's just fun. We don't have to worry about anything. We just have fun.
So, and I mean, I need, I have to have rest moments too. Like I gave myself
(03:59):
a gift today of just like not saving anything and it was great.
Well, I think getting back to divorce too is, and this could be for any loss
or any trauma that you go through.
You tend to circle the wagons
and go into survival mode and you don't carve out any time for fun because there
are certain things you have to get done and you have to you know you're you're
(04:23):
kind of leaning into your new life whether you like it or not you're maybe getting a new job you're,
getting a new bank account or you're getting new financing and there's all this
is overwhelming checklist of the things you have to do to survive after divorce.
And I know that it took me over a year to decide I can allow some things.
(04:49):
Now I can breathe a little more and I can allow some fun things.
And once you allow those fun things to come into your life and you carve out
the time and you make the time to do them.
You know, at first it was a big effort for me to do that. And sometimes I still,
it takes a little bit to get me going.
But I always have a good time. It's like you can really just kind of breathe,
(05:11):
let your hair down, have a great time.
Bonnie was my day. She was a really good day. We had fun. The pressure was off
because we didn't have days.
Exactly. And there are a lot of women that go to that event.
Yeah. With other women. Oh, yeah. It's really fun. It's just a low-key.
It's not really low-key. It's kind of a highbrow, low-key time. But it's not fancy.
(05:36):
It's not fancy. Or it's the only thing you want it to be. It's as fancy as you want it to be.
Like, you could go. In fact, I was sitting there thinking, you know,
if I could modify my wedding dress, it would fit right in.
Like, we could totally be as big and fancy as we wanted or absolutely not.
I mean, it really is. There are people that do over-the-top tablescapes.
There are people who do, like, I drag all my china out. I know you do too, Lauren.
(05:59):
Yeah, it looks pretty good. I brought one for champagne flutes last night. That's not true.
Listen, I went to go get, so last year I took, because I like a coupe glass
when it comes to champagne.
And I don't. Yes, me too. Listen, I am not a fancy human.
I use my china twice a year, Christmas Eve and Diné en Blanc, typically.
I do. I bring out my pretty china. I should probably use it more often because it's, I know you.
(06:23):
I use mine every day. But I had gotten, like the past two years for Christmas,
I'd gotten new glasses because we keep breaking stem layer.
And getting ready for the event yesterday, I went to go get coupe glasses out
because I like a coupe glass for champagne.
I looked in the cabinet and I only have one left out of like a set of coupe glasses that I had.
(06:45):
And so I pulled out two flutes, which is the only flutes I have left.
And I looked at my boyfriend and I was like,
we've broken all the stemware everything is broken
and he was like oh no what are you gonna do
i was like i don't know i'm just gonna like i assume that
that's an indicator that we're having a very good time it's an
indicator that you need to go back to some of these antique shops and find you
(07:08):
some cute cute glasses that's my favorite place to shop is to go find okay well
the one downtown on bank street has all kinds of glassware because i was thinking
oh i need to do this i was I was like, no, I don't need to spend any more money.
Does vintage glassware like that have lead in it, though?
All crystal has lead in it. All crystal, like real crystal.
(07:30):
But I don't know that this is crystal. But you're not drinking out of it every day, though.
You'll be fine. Yeah, mine are depression glass. Like, they were made around
the Depression era. So I don't think they're crystal.
Like, you can see a seam in some of them. Oh, well, if they're manufactured.
You know, so I don't know that they're crystal. But they may be. I don't know.
If you're going to have something, it might as well be the lead in your glass.
(07:52):
Might as well be lead. Like royalty. She went down like a queen.
We're going to drink enough champagne to die of lead poisoning from our antique crystal glasses.
Oh, my goodness. Somebody write about it. We definitely had fun.
What did you write about it?
But, no, like, it is, like, it's not, not thinking of things.
(08:13):
That's another, like, fun thing is not thinking of anything too precious.
Like yeah yeah you know you use your stuff you
live your life all the time and don't be precious about it
it's fine the only reason i don't use my china all the time because i have to
hand wash it and i'm like i ain't washed it oh let me tell you
a fun fact about today i'll blum the very first one i went to was the first
(08:33):
social any kind of social event that i did after divorce oh wow it's the very
sweat it was like like i looked at it like my coming out party i'm single again
you know And of course I took my mother.
But it's a good way to... Yes, my cousin made me a necklace,
a piece of jewelry to wear.
Like I truly looked at it as like an announcement that I am great. I am good. I am fine.
(09:01):
I am just fine. I'm better than fine. I am so good I can dance.
This is why the wedding hearst is now reintroduced.
Exactly like escorted by my mother.
But yeah but i looked at it as that and so that's i just i think i've i think i've missed two,
(09:25):
so anyway but it's always good i just think it's fine yeah it's
a good time and now like i kind
of so last night and we've got this little friend group you
know that we y'all know you're you're part of it and we
last night i was like okay who's got the next party like who's
throwing the next thing because we kind of everybody's kind
of taking ownership of an event every year so and that's just fun to have like
(09:48):
the thing you're looking forward to yeah after because you know and we've had
we've had this conversation before but like life can potentially get to be mundane
and the the routine of things can drag you down a little
bit, unless you have that thing you're looking forward to. Well,
and that's, and it can be anything.
So I looked at that first DNA on block as my, this is what I'm going to do. Not really.
(10:14):
There was, it wasn't to show anyone else that I was being a social again,
or that I was just fine with myself or that I was good with the divorce and all of that.
It was to show me that I was great with the divorce and that I could go and
then I could do anything and I could do it with girlfriends.
You know what I mean? It really just, it had this huge symbolic meaning to me.
But anything, any event could be that for any person.
(10:38):
Can we say this because I don't know that if we, if we, I don't know that we've.
Say this specifically it is okay not to take your significant other to events
like that like it is fine to go to big events with your girlfriends who would let go like yeah i have a,
my my boyfriend is like half i would call him a half social sometimes i may
(11:01):
have talked him into going yeah sure maybe sometimes he wants to be sure for
things and sometimes i just depends but But, like, if he doesn't want to go,
I go, okay, and I take somebody else.
And it's fine, and everybody's happy and good. And, you know,
so I had a great time last night with one of my girlfriends.
Yeah. And she had never been before, and that was great. So I just.
(11:23):
I have to correct that. One of your girlfriends and 999 of your closest friends. Yes.
They said there was 1,000 people last night. Yeah. So it was so fun.
Fun. fine but i think it is important it is important
that even in the middle of your absolute crazy even if
you're exhausted and don't think you can put on a stitch
(11:44):
of makeup or a nice thing to wear it's still important that you go through you
do it yeah because your soul needs that little bit of happy joy yeah yeah that
you can find just spending some time with your friends or going out just i feel
like also some people and i will say this because i sort of did you feel like Like,
maybe if you don't go out, you will never go out.
(12:07):
Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you get kind of stuck. I've kind of got stuck
there for a little bit. And not going out.
And not be. I'm a huge social person.
I'm a huge extrovert. And all of a sudden, I didn't feel like that anymore. I felt like.
And I did stuff when I was married by myself constantly. So it wasn't that I couldn't go by myself.
(12:29):
I just felt like maybe could not go and be social and not be sad at my circumstance.
Well, now I have gone out and done social things and been in the middle of an
absolute fabulous time and still had that thing in the back of my head saying,
this is still like I'm like this would have been better with or I wish that things were different.
(12:50):
Or, you know what I mean? But I'm not there anymore.
I am not there anymore.
And it has been a long time since I've had those, but I'm still pushed through.
I still did it. And for 90% of any of those events, even when I was a little sad, I was happy.
And I was 10% in my feels and 90% in the moment having fun with my friends. In the moment.
(13:14):
So that's what I was about to say. It's interesting that you just said that
because I've gotten to a place and we've talked about this a lot,
But I've got no place where I don't futurize and I don't really think about the past either.
I really am just I mean, I'll futurize in terms of like I've got a doctor's
appointment next week or I have to make sure that, you know,
my kid has a has an activity for the week that he's with me that I have to go
(13:36):
to work in the summertime.
Time like that that's what I think about is more planning but
you know there's no like I don't
know I so I'm I really I really
when I'm present I feel very present you know I don't
well not okay I have that has been a gift of divorce
to me as well what is that yes it is not something I ever thought about or even
(14:00):
really did but really post-divorce it has truly been a gift to enjoy Enjoy where
I am right now and not take for granted that the future is going to be there. Yeah. Okay.
I think I got so bogged down. Maybe that's what it is.
In having to do all those things, like with my kids when they were a certain
age and keep the calendar, do all that, that I did not carve out time for fun just for me.
(14:27):
It was always centered around my kids' activity.
Or I felt I felt guilty for carving
out fun for me when the kids were little because
or younger anyway but I think part of
it was I was I was not contributing financially to the family so I felt like
anything that I did that sucked money out of the family unit was I felt guilty
(14:51):
for because I felt like I needed to be working 24 7 you know to make this work
that was my contribution instead of monetary.
And that was not at all. Anyway, I look back and feel sad for that woman that I was.
Me too, because I didn't quite have time for fun fun, you know,
unless it was, well, I did girls golf, but,
(15:12):
That was not, you know what I'm saying? That was more of a athletic endeavor.
Get out of the house. Not, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It was different.
But now I just want to do fun things. And, you know, I love that we decided
as a little group that we were going to try to do stuff like once a quarter,
because I think it just, it gives you something to look forward to.
Yeah. It gives you something to work toward and think about.
(15:36):
Yeah. Okay. Now I do love to plan. Love to plan. And I don't necessarily have
to find a good, healthy balance between futurizing and planning. I hate planning.
I don't necessarily. I don't love to actually execute it. I just like to think about it.
That's different because when you're futurizing, it's more of a fantasy.
(15:59):
And when you're planning, you have specific goals. Like for next year,
I said I'm cooking for Dignam Blanc.
So that's even though that's in the future that's a certain thing that i will
do it's not like oh i futurizing would be i have a date that's the thing and it'll be a romantic time,
(16:21):
but i don't even know though even if i was dating somebody that i wouldn't want
to just go with girls because i have so it's fun it doesn't change the expectation
and there's no babysitting you're I'm not worried about anybody.
Now, granted, once again, we've said this before. If you're with the right partner,
you don't worry about them.
(16:41):
And you just symbiotically just do your thing and everybody's happy.
And I just haven't experienced that yet. So maybe.
I don't know. But I think there are things that you just need to do with your
girlfriends, too, just to have fun, just to hang out.
Well, if you know, a friend of mine and Bonnie's calls it like when you're with somebody.
(17:03):
If they don't want to do a certain thing, it's the price of admission. Right. Yeah.
And I thought that was so interesting. But that's because there's never going
to be the perfect partner. No.
No. But you're not going to have them. If you love somebody completely,
then you accept those pieces that don't quite fit, and it's fine.
And that's okay. And that's okay. Because while I was at the party last night,
(17:25):
my boyfriend hung string lights in the backyard. And they looked fabulous.
And did his own little project, because that's what he wanted to do.
And it is fine. I mean, like, anyway.
I guess ultimately what we're saying is the fun thing doesn't have to necessarily
involve a significant other.
No. Because even when you're with a significant other, it doesn't always involve them.
(17:48):
Well, but it also, I think it's important to find ways to have fun and to feel
truly alive without the significant other that you thought you had to have.
You know what? Yeah. To get out of that mindset that you have to have a partner
to feel all of those fabulous things is very important because then when you
(18:11):
meet the person that you're supposed to be with or you meet people,
especially you're not supposed to be with,
it is, you know, I think they're a little more when you're happy with yourself
and you have fun with yourself and all of that. I think it's a little easier.
When you know how you want your life to look and be, it's hard to accept anything else.
We were talking before about how sometimes, I don't know, I used to be such
(18:36):
a yes person, but lately, and I hate it when people expect me to give up my
free time to do something.
Right, yeah. And it may be selfish, and maybe it is selfish,
and it's okay to be a little bit selfish, but I'm not going to always give up
my free time to do something for somebody else.
(18:57):
I think that's different than if people...
Expect you to do things without asking you before time do you know i'm saying if they just assume,
that they can but also the the
having the space to go no actually i
(19:17):
can't do that okay but do you think because like tonight yeah
my mother and she wouldn't mind me talking about this but my mother asked me
to go to a last minute birthday dinner that they
planned for my nephew and i said i'm sorry
but no i gave myself today i have given myself today
so i don't think it's a thing to even
begin to think that that is selfish instead of
(19:38):
self-care maybe is that a southern thing you think you know because i listen
to you talk about it and knowing how full your life is with things that you
all of your must be done i'm listening to you talk about self-care not selfish
yeah so So I'm wondering if that's kind of a Southern thing.
That's also a setting boundaries thing.
(19:58):
Yeah. And you can't, I mean, you can't say yes to everything because you won't survive.
I mean, you'll bring it to pass. Well, but I do think that we here in the South,
there are a lot of things that we are, that we have placed on ourselves.
We feel that we must say yes to, and we must, you know, it's selfish if we don't
give ourselves in all of these different ways.
(20:18):
And with my daughter, there's every once in a while, her little
Southerness will come up and she won't want to hurt somebody still and
so I'll be like can you please go ask your Yankee friends what they
would do in this situation and she'll come back and
she'll be like yeah they told me I was being ridiculous okay I started
laughing when you said when y'all were starting talking about this
because I remember I little me moved to
(20:39):
New York City when I was 23 and
I left right off McNichol Street in the village
and I would you know run
being raised so they're trying to help everybody well there was
a homeless homeless man that wanted to you know wanted to hand out everything
and i would give him money because he knew i just bought groceries and i had
(21:01):
change in my pocket so i gave him my change and my little sweet daddy i would
tell him about he said beth you're gonna be sitting right out there with him
if you can't give him all your,
help him once a month but don't help him every time you go to the grocery store.
But that's when you're raised to try to help everybody
and i'm not saying helping people is wrong i'm just saying if your
(21:24):
cup is empty you can't pour yeah exactly that's
right and that's and that's exactly so i think there's a difference between
self-care and selfish yeah yeah but i think we were raised to think it's kind
of the same yeah yeah it's it's okay to say no to something in order to just
do something for you. Yes.
(21:45):
Like going to a movie. Yes. Or taking yourself to breakfast.
Or taking your dog for a walk. Yeah, and that is fine.
That is a good thing. So, I don't know. I...
My philosophy on all of that has changed a lot, I guess.
My philosophy has changed completely because now I just want to have,
I want to have something fun to do at least once a month.
(22:08):
Well, that's, yeah. I want to do things for me.
I want to do things, like I want to do my art. Like taking this art class has been so fun.
It's gotten me, pushed me in all sorts of ways, but I have to give,
I've had several people, can we do this on Thursday night?
I'm like, nope, I got art class. A lot of the fun stuff that I do lately,
(22:29):
unless it's like a planned event like last night, I just kind of wander into it. And I like that.
Because sometimes I wake up exhausted. I just want to be still.
But if I wake up and I'll talk to my partner about what he's feeling for the
day and what's he going to do.
And then I'm like, hey, what do I want to spend my time doing?
(22:51):
And then we end up sort of just cultivating this day.
And that's it's it's i don't know i like it so
did you do that in your marriage or was it very different in
your marriage did you cultivate your day no no i
didn't know i didn't we didn't talk about things like like this i mean this
morning over coffee my my boyfriend and i talked about like you know the essentially
(23:15):
our goals for the day and what we needed to do and what time we had to do it
and when we were going to do you know xyz and then we watched three hours of rick and morty.
Because that was fun that's what we wanted to do while we drink whenever we
drank our coffee so but no i there was no we didn't actively really actively
speak about anything did you like that,
(23:37):
did you do that we did to an extent so my ex when we when we were together we would,
but you know we had kids and a lot of it was okay who's doing what with the
kids what what has to be done today?
Are we mowing the grass? Are we doing this?
Okay. If we're mowing the grass, will you take care of lunch?
We did a lot of the, here's our must be done.
(24:00):
You divide up the, let's, let's take care of this. You take care of that. You take care of this.
But really by the end of the day, I was always with the kids by myself seemed
like, you know what I mean? Or this, that, or the other.
So we went to an extent, but it didn't always play out all the way.
But we were, we were okay with that, especially before alcohol really kind of took control.
But I also I also think that there's a difference in who I was as a young person and who I am now.
(24:25):
When I was younger, time never ended.
Days were endless like and and there will be an unlimited amount
of days and now it's like something
about the divorce and I guess especially since my
ex-husband has passed it's days are
not unlimited my time is
(24:46):
what you know what I mean it's like all of a sudden I see everything from
this time this precious standpoint that I didn't
have when the kids were younger and I was in my younger
marriage and I don't know if that's an age thing or if
it's an experience thing or if you know
because I don't know if just being that young that's
just how you live and you wander through each day you
(25:07):
know getting all the things you have to get done without as much like purpose
for yourself because we've also had all these kids I was taking care of so I
don't know if it's an empty nest thing because I don't have this meant out the
kids are on top of me they are self-sufficient It's a very passive role to be a mother at this point.
You know, I don't know what all has contributed to my point of view at this
(25:29):
point where it's self-care is highly important.
I don't know. The age thing probably has something to do with it because I would
say since being in my 40s, I definitely have more of a, I used to worry.
I remember when my son was little, like new, like two, I was worried about dying all the time.
I mean, I, and I had to get my gallbladder, like I had a major stomach trouble.
(25:52):
I thought I was dying. I assumed I was dying because I had this two-year-old.
How would I, what would make me special to get to stay here for his life? You know what I mean?
So, I mean, I had like, it was big anxiety about dying and leaving him.
And then you get a little older and you're like, oh, wait, yeah, that's a real thing.
(26:13):
Like, you could die anytime. So, I don't know. I concentrate a lot more on the
friendships that I have and...
And just doing, just doing, you know, experiencing as much as I can.
Well, things don't like, so you might.
I worry a lot less than I used to worry. Well, things aren't as important.
Like, all right, my oldest is getting married.
(26:35):
And there are a lot of things, anything they bring up with the wedding,
me at 30 would have been like, oh, my gosh, no, we can't do this.
We have to do this. I kind of had so many opinions.
Me in my 50s, I'm like, that's great. What can I do to help? I don't care.
Y'all do your wedding however you want to. What I care about is you two being
(26:56):
happy and loving each other and being able to be on this side and witness that.
I do whatever you want to, but I really think that in my 30s,
I would have been a nightmare.
I think I've learned so much since then.
I also think part of that is the divorce and going through everything I did.
(27:18):
So much is just not important to me anymore.
Well, I feel like I've sifted down after my divorce.
And I honestly felt when I first got divorced that I had wasted my youth on this man.
My time, my youth, my energy, my passion was wasted.
(27:39):
So now that I'm more on the healing side of this, Now I want to use every bit
of my time to explore the things I want to do.
I'm about to roll into a passive mother kind of role.
And I really honestly want to live that quote that I want to have the best time.
(28:02):
Use every particle of energy, slide into my grave sideways completely without
anything left. No reserves.
Yeah yeah so that's where i am that's a good time so i want to have fun and
i want to do things that i enjoy and i want to say this last night there was
(28:24):
a point and i can't remember what song was on we were all on the dance floor
lauren you were kind of ahead of me a body was to the side,
and i thought i feel like i am 18 years old yeah i was just expect joy was just
right yeah I jumped up and down on my bad knee.
(28:45):
I know. You would not let me jump up and down on the asphalt. But I had.
The best time. Yeah. I did too. Legally possible. Yeah.
I mean, I just felt like, oh my gosh, this is fabulous.
Yeah. I just felt like I was 18.
(29:06):
I felt like, you know, those days you used to ride around with the tops down
and the music blaring and you just felt young and invincible.
I had that moment last night and I looked around at all the people around me of all different ages.
And it was like everybody was having that same kind
of moment and it was fat was it when we were
(29:28):
battling between war damn eagle and roll tot roll no mr
brightside mr brightside it was mr brightside that was that was that was a good
band was great it was like bang bang so like despacito is an inside joke between
me and my boyfriend because i sent you the videos yes but you used to always
(29:48):
programmed alexa in my office to play despacito if you asked her to play anything
and so i would walk in and go alexa play you know whatever and she'd go play despacito,
so they played despacito i was like oh my god it's a song.
It was just as fun it was like mass amounts of people having the same Same joy
(30:15):
and energy at the same time. You couldn't help.
The power of the group experience is. It's amazing.
When I looked over and there's a woman with a cane dancing. Yeah. I was like, okay.
Well, and I love those nights where everybody's just saying yes.
Yeah. To what's going on.
Like, yes, we're going to do this. And yes, we're going to lock this house after.
(30:37):
And yes, we're going to go to my house. And yes, like, you know,
it's just like a happy moment.
I had that vibe when I went to that reunion a couple of months ago.
It was just like, yes, we're doing everything we can do, possibly fit into this
24-hour date. So it was a really fun night, and I hope we have many, many, many more.
(30:59):
You and I should play the Dinae on Dwarf.
No kidding, because I was so uncomfortable in white. Y'all know it.
I was like, I just felt like I was in the job. Black is our signature color.
We were on our way to Denali Blanc and Beth is wearing a sweet little white
headband with jewels and pearls on it.
(31:20):
It feels like, it just doesn't feel like me. Like I'm really struggling.
What do you think? I was like, it's really cute. It's just not black.
I feel like the vampire. Inviting the grudge.
What do you have? I cannot stand this one, John.
(31:43):
All right. Well, Beth, you just said something that I want to address.
You said that you had felt like you had wasted your youth on your husband.
So I've had those feelings in the past, but I think I am healed enough now from
my, my divorce and all, but I have to say, I don't regret any of it because
I feel like such a strong and independent person at this moment.
(32:06):
I think raising my kids a good deal on my own, even inside the marriage,
really sort of lent itself to showing me I could do anything ever that I might
possibly need it to on my own.
And I, you know, I just look at all of those experiences and.
Having a romantic relationship means so little in my life right now.
(32:29):
I'm not reaching for it. I don't have to have it. It's not something I feel
like I have to have to complete my life for the first time ever.
I can look back at that and say, I did not waste my youth. I raised my kids.
Well, I will add to that. So, and I don't know if this is not the difference in our personalities.
I always knew that I could do anything.
(32:51):
Yes, and I didn't. And so when I say I feel like I wasted my youth,
I feel like I stayed in my marriage for a really long time because I physically,
mentally, spiritually,
emotionally was not ready to leave.
And I really wanted my children to have that family unit kind of stability.
(33:13):
But, however, I also feel like I gave 110% when I got divorced, I was 52.
Is that right? I was 52. And they told me on paper that I was non-employable.
Like, I just felt like horrible. Like, okay, I'm out at 52.
(33:35):
If I had been out at 42, there's a huge difference between 42 and 52.
There is. And there's a huge difference between 42 and 59.
Like, I just feel like, I feel like my really young, energetic,
get up and go kind of stuff was stalled during that 10 years.
(33:57):
And then I had to like start it back up, reanimate myself with the divorce.
And on top of that, you know, I had a series of, it wasn't just like I got divorced
and then I got my alimony and child support and went on my merry way.
I had a series of, you know, big problems.
My ex had a mental breakdown. He was hospitalized.
(34:22):
He had some other problems. He got back on his feet. Then he tried to commit suicide.
I mean, it was like every time the psycho came around and I was doing really
well, there was an event. Mm-hmm.
That I was tied to, but not really, but I was tied to.
And so I feel like I'd spun my wheels and I did work from a very good base of
(34:43):
raising my kids for that 10 years.
And I love my kids. And I really do think that that contributed to how I have
kind of gotten out of that.
But at the same time, I do not have the same energy. I do not have the same
drive to get things done that I had when I was younger.
See, I don't feel like that because I think I felt like something was holding
(35:08):
me back the whole time, if that makes sense.
Yeah, but I feel like that's what I'm saying. Well, no, and I'm mad,
but I also use so much energy trying to get this to work out.
I mean, okay, here's my Pollyanna. And I thought, really, and honestly,
I fantasized that he would say, hey, I made a huge mistake.
(35:31):
I'm going to do everything possible to mend this problem in our marriage.
And that never actually happened. Well, and I want to tell you that if I met myself,
if I were able to go back in time and meet myself, because, you know,
I've stayed in my marriage 10 years longer than I should have to,
and give that person advice, I'd have to tell her to leave.
(35:53):
That I know that I stayed 10 years because I thought that's what I was supposed
to do. I felt like I should.
Well, and you know, I just really, there were lots of reasons that I did,
but if I could go back, I would tell her your kids are going to be fine.
Yeah. That your kids may actually be better if they're not around all the toxic
(36:13):
relationship stuff that if you could raise your children where they had that
peace in the home with you for those 10 years,
it might not actually be better for you and for them but and
i would tell myself that so i'm not saying that i
wouldn't go back and possibly do it differently i just don't necessarily regret
the choice i made with the limited information i had but if anybody asked me
(36:35):
now i would be like yes i would tell her to leave i'm not saying that i regret
the choice i'm saying from my By youth and energy standpoint,
I feel like that my youth was wasted in those 10 years and my energy definitely
was wasted because it wasn't the outcome that I thought all the energy would produce.
(36:57):
Do you know what I'm saying? It was a disappointment in that way.
You didn't have a return on your investment.
I did not have a return on my investment. I did not.
Now, from the point of the romantic partner marriage, I did not have the return on my investment.
But for my kids...
I think definitely had a return on my investment of those 10 years for my kids
(37:21):
and their education and all that.
I definitely think that I had.
And I think we all stayed until we absolutely couldn't stay anymore.
That's what I thought. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, part of my philosophy before
divorce was, especially knowing that my husband was sick with the addiction
and all, was I didn't want my children to look at me ever and say.
(37:45):
Why didn't you try X, Y, Z?
Why did you let this fail? Why didn't you try everything you possibly could?
I wanted to be able to answer all of those possible questions with,
I did this, this, this, this, and this.
These are the things I did to try and save our marriage. These are the things
I tried to do to save your dad.
Like I did absolutely everything to try and make this work.
(38:06):
And I just, I didn't want, especially because of what I was looking at possibly
happening, which did end up happening.
I just didn't want them to ever feel like I had
done anything to contribute to their father's illness
and done everything that I could possibly do to
try and help him recover and be
(38:26):
the father that they needed and to be the man that he wanted to
be okay I had that exact same thing you know
I just think I didn't I was working on the so to
me not having that regret knowing I
did everything I could outweighed me feeling
like I needed to go on and leave at the time yeah but I
also feel like I could have support now on the other end I could have done a
(38:48):
whole lot of supporting of him after divorce like just because I did because
we divorced and I was still his main contact I was still his emergency contact
I still was the one that took him to rehab is still the one who went and visited
him and did all of those things. I was still that person.
I could have been that person 10 years sooner.
But I'm sorry, hindsight.
(39:10):
So back to having fun. Yes. We had a little off topic. We had a little off topic.
Well, don't we always get off topic?
Well, I mean, that's because we weren't doing that. No, we weren't.
It wasn't fun. No. In the middle of it. Right.
Really no. No. And that's another reason why it's so important that we make
sure we're making time even when we feel like we don't have the time. Yeah.
(39:34):
We protect our time. We protect our time for our creative endeavors that mean something to us.
And we create we protect our time for the fun that feeds our soul with our people
and stuff you wanted to do yes well i think you have to feed yourself and have fun and that will,
feed into your artistic okay and
(39:55):
i have been exhausted today better person when you
have fun and you can recharge your batteries you're more you're
you're a nicer person well at least i am way
nicer i have better ideas i
feel like yes my created right like i worked on some
of my paintings today and my creativity even just just singing and playing last
night they like it freed some space up and your stuff looks great well thank
(40:21):
you i'm working on it you're gonna get an a in my class you might get an a plus
bonnie Let's see, let's see.
All right, well, what are y'all doing this week? I know what Beth is doing this
week. So, Lauren, let's start with you. Beth, you get to go last.
Well, we have our second week of theater camp at 10 p.m.
College this week so and it's cats camp it's cats we're doing cats the junior edition so,
(40:46):
we've got that show on saturday and i've got i've got rehearsals for sweeney
todd and that has really been artistically very fun for me so far so i needed
to kind of live in a well that's your favorite yeah it's my second favorite
show it's the best musical ever written but it's my second,
West Side Story is my favorite. We caused the best musical.
(41:07):
Just my opinion. Let me clear that up.
Professional opinion. So that has been really just a very good time.
So I love that. And then I get my kiddo back this week. So goodbye. That's a big surgery.
So that's, yeah. It's work fun, but it's, you know, what I do is fun usually. Usually so.
(41:29):
Well, I have our, my, the wedding preparations are ramping up,
get to really kind of make sure everything is together and kind of make sure
all my planning is done, which is fun.
Had my, I had my second fitting for the mother of the groom dress this past
week. It went, it went well.
So the shoes that I picked out will go. Yeah.
(41:51):
Little things, just little things. So that, that's fun.
And my daughter will be, she's still here. Yeah, I just I'm enjoying every moment
with her because she'll be gone for the month of July and then she'll come back
for like two weeks and then be gone again to go back to school for the year.
Exactly. So I know that my time with her is limited.
And so any time I can get with her is is always fun. So. All right, Beth, go.
(42:18):
Finally. Finally. Finally, the
vacation that did not make last year is hopefully going to make this year.
And I will be in Dublin and London and Paris and Norway.
Yay, I'm so jealous. And then back. And I'm very excited.
You should be. I have my daughter packed today.
(42:40):
So all my stuff is kind of piled but not actually packed yet.
Because I want to do a last little glimmer. And I do have to work the first two days.
Tomorrow's a big travel day. But once I get through that, I think. Well, good.
It'll be cool. So I'm excited. Now, if I get stuck again, I will be madder than
wet again. But, you know, I'll live.
(43:02):
But y'all will have to hear about it. So be prepared.
Surely you'll be fine. Not the big strikes in the airlines this year.
I hope not. You never know.
We didn't know what was happening last year. But anyway, we'll see. We'll see. We'll see.
All right. Wait a minute. Well, I'll sleep with y'all.
Cheers. It sounds a little different. Bye.
(43:25):
Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday. See you next week,
girls. See you next week. Cheers.
Music.
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, tonight we're asking ourselves, or we're examining the importance of fun.
Yes. The importance of having fun. Which we did have fun. We have had a weekend
where we got to have some quite unique fun, I think.
Don't y'all agree? Yes. So we have an international event that they hold here in Decatur.
(00:54):
Lauren, you're a little more involved. Le Diner en Blanc.
So we did that last night. It was so good. It was one of my favorite ones we've
had so far. Yeah, and my voice is still sore.
Are you still raspy from screaming all of the songs?
Yeah, the band was fabulous. Yes, the band was fabulous. And I got all of my
exercise for a week and the dancing. Should we tell them what the event is?
(01:19):
So, yeah, it's Danielle Blanc. And it's the one that we have in Decatur is one of two in Alabama.
So it's and it's international. So there I can't remember how many cities.
I probably should know how many cities because I'm a table leader usually. But no, we had a big time.
It's where you like, you take, you dress in all white and you either,
you take dinner or you buy dinner or you rent tables and chairs or you take tables and chairs.
(01:42):
You meet at a secret location and you set everything up. You eat dinner and
you light sparklers and then you have a big party afterward and then you take
everything away and it's just great.
So I ran, I was talking to our friend Kathy last night and she said,
you know what this is like. I said, what? She said, a reception.
It's like a huge wedding reception without a bride and groom.
(02:04):
Yeah. I was like, yeah, without cake, unless you brought it.
But yeah, we all, you have a good meal. You have a fabulous band.
You're there with your friends. Everybody's dressed up. But it's outside and
it's pretty and it's very like. It makes some good photos. Yeah. It's beautiful.
She has a good time. Yeah. So we had a really good time. And I don't know,
I, that I kind of set set aside.
I kind of chiseled out yesterday for getting ready for that because I had a crazy work week.
(02:28):
It has been non-stop. Because we're doing a camp and rehearsals.
So when I got to the weekend, I was like, all right, this is what's happening
today. And then I took off.
I took off my church job this morning just to like rest because I know I'm about to have another week.
So it's just it's really important to chisel out that time for the fun things,
(02:52):
for the for whatever is going to make you have the best time.
And it has to happen often, especially if you're a busy person.
It makes you feel alive. But I can also see, Lauren, with your schedule,
especially when you're so overwhelmed with work, like truly working these 10, 11-hour days,
that you would just want a weekend to do nothing, to make it chill and just rest.
(03:15):
But instead, I saw you dancing, so you were just completely at it for another couple hours.
But it is truly for our mental, for our hearts and our souls to feel that alive.
For that event, I'm a table leader.
And so I have to do, there's things at the beginning of the,
like leading up to the event, I have to do things to be in charge of it.
(03:35):
And then when we arrive, I have to do some work.
And then at the very end, I have to make sure everybody's good.
But as soon as I do that work, once we get there, it's just a fun time.
I looked at my friend went with me and I looked at her and I was like, now my job is done.
So now it's just fun. We don't have to worry about anything. We just have fun.
So, and I mean, I need, I have to have rest moments too. Like I gave myself
(03:59):
a gift today of just like not saving anything and it was great.
Well, I think getting back to divorce too is, and this could be for any loss
or any trauma that you go through.
You tend to circle the wagons
and go into survival mode and you don't carve out any time for fun because there
are certain things you have to get done and you have to you know you're you're
(04:23):
kind of leaning into your new life whether you like it or not you're maybe getting a new job you're,
getting a new bank account or you're getting new financing and there's all this
is overwhelming checklist of the things you have to do to survive after divorce.
And I know that it took me over a year to decide I can allow some things.
(04:49):
Now I can breathe a little more and I can allow some fun things.
And once you allow those fun things to come into your life and you carve out
the time and you make the time to do them.
You know, at first it was a big effort for me to do that. And sometimes I still,
it takes a little bit to get me going.
But I always have a good time. It's like you can really just kind of breathe,
(05:11):
let your hair down, have a great time.
Bonnie was my day. She was a really good day. We had fun. The pressure was off
because we didn't have days.
Exactly. And there are a lot of women that go to that event.
Yeah. With other women. Oh, yeah. It's really fun. It's just a low-key.
It's not really low-key. It's kind of a highbrow, low-key time. But it's not fancy.
(05:36):
It's not fancy. Or it's the only thing you want it to be. It's as fancy as you want it to be.
Like, you could go. In fact, I was sitting there thinking, you know,
if I could modify my wedding dress, it would fit right in.
Like, we could totally be as big and fancy as we wanted or absolutely not.
I mean, it really is. There are people that do over-the-top tablescapes.
There are people who do, like, I drag all my china out. I know you do too, Lauren.
(05:59):
Yeah, it looks pretty good. I brought one for champagne flutes last night. That's not true.
Listen, I went to go get, so last year I took, because I like a coupe glass
when it comes to champagne.
And I don't. Yes, me too. Listen, I am not a fancy human.
I use my china twice a year, Christmas Eve and Diné en Blanc, typically.
I do. I bring out my pretty china. I should probably use it more often because it's, I know you.
(06:23):
I use mine every day. But I had gotten, like the past two years for Christmas,
I'd gotten new glasses because we keep breaking stem layer.
And getting ready for the event yesterday, I went to go get coupe glasses out
because I like a coupe glass for champagne.
I looked in the cabinet and I only have one left out of like a set of coupe glasses that I had.
(06:45):
And so I pulled out two flutes, which is the only flutes I have left.
And I looked at my boyfriend and I was like,
we've broken all the stemware everything is broken
and he was like oh no what are you gonna do
i was like i don't know i'm just gonna like i assume that
that's an indicator that we're having a very good time it's an
indicator that you need to go back to some of these antique shops and find you
(07:08):
some cute cute glasses that's my favorite place to shop is to go find okay well
the one downtown on bank street has all kinds of glassware because i was thinking
oh i need to do this i was I was like, no, I don't need to spend any more money.
Does vintage glassware like that have lead in it, though?
All crystal has lead in it. All crystal, like real crystal.
(07:30):
But I don't know that this is crystal. But you're not drinking out of it every day, though.
You'll be fine. Yeah, mine are depression glass. Like, they were made around
the Depression era. So I don't think they're crystal.
Like, you can see a seam in some of them. Oh, well, if they're manufactured.
You know, so I don't know that they're crystal. But they may be. I don't know.
If you're going to have something, it might as well be the lead in your glass.
(07:52):
Might as well be lead. Like royalty. She went down like a queen.
We're going to drink enough champagne to die of lead poisoning from our antique crystal glasses.
Oh, my goodness. Somebody write about it. We definitely had fun.
What did you write about it?
But, no, like, it is, like, it's not, not thinking of things.
(08:13):
That's another, like, fun thing is not thinking of anything too precious.
Like yeah yeah you know you use your stuff you
live your life all the time and don't be precious about it
it's fine the only reason i don't use my china all the time because i have to
hand wash it and i'm like i ain't washed it oh let me tell you
a fun fact about today i'll blum the very first one i went to was the first
(08:33):
social any kind of social event that i did after divorce oh wow it's the very
sweat it was like like i looked at it like my coming out party i'm single again
you know And of course I took my mother.
But it's a good way to... Yes, my cousin made me a necklace,
a piece of jewelry to wear.
Like I truly looked at it as like an announcement that I am great. I am good. I am fine.
(09:01):
I am just fine. I'm better than fine. I am so good I can dance.
This is why the wedding hearst is now reintroduced.
Exactly like escorted by my mother.
But yeah but i looked at it as that and so that's i just i think i've i think i've missed two,
(09:25):
so anyway but it's always good i just think it's fine yeah it's
a good time and now like i kind
of so last night and we've got this little friend group you
know that we y'all know you're you're part of it and we
last night i was like okay who's got the next party like who's
throwing the next thing because we kind of everybody's kind
of taking ownership of an event every year so and that's just fun to have like
(09:48):
the thing you're looking forward to yeah after because you know and we've had
we've had this conversation before but like life can potentially get to be mundane
and the the routine of things can drag you down a little
bit, unless you have that thing you're looking forward to. Well,
and that's, and it can be anything.
So I looked at that first DNA on block as my, this is what I'm going to do. Not really.
(10:14):
There was, it wasn't to show anyone else that I was being a social again,
or that I was just fine with myself or that I was good with the divorce and all of that.
It was to show me that I was great with the divorce and that I could go and
then I could do anything and I could do it with girlfriends.
You know what I mean? It really just, it had this huge symbolic meaning to me.
But anything, any event could be that for any person.
(10:38):
Can we say this because I don't know that if we, if we, I don't know that we've.
Say this specifically it is okay not to take your significant other to events
like that like it is fine to go to big events with your girlfriends who would let go like yeah i have a,
my my boyfriend is like half i would call him a half social sometimes i may
(11:01):
have talked him into going yeah sure maybe sometimes he wants to be sure for
things and sometimes i just depends but But, like, if he doesn't want to go,
I go, okay, and I take somebody else.
And it's fine, and everybody's happy and good. And, you know,
so I had a great time last night with one of my girlfriends.
Yeah. And she had never been before, and that was great. So I just.
(11:23):
I have to correct that. One of your girlfriends and 999 of your closest friends. Yes.
They said there was 1,000 people last night. Yeah. So it was so fun.
Fun. fine but i think it is important it is important
that even in the middle of your absolute crazy even if
you're exhausted and don't think you can put on a stitch
(11:44):
of makeup or a nice thing to wear it's still important that you go through you
do it yeah because your soul needs that little bit of happy joy yeah yeah that
you can find just spending some time with your friends or going out just i feel
like also some people and i will say this because i sort of did you feel like Like,
maybe if you don't go out, you will never go out.
(12:07):
Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you get kind of stuck. I've kind of got stuck
there for a little bit. And not going out.
And not be. I'm a huge social person.
I'm a huge extrovert. And all of a sudden, I didn't feel like that anymore. I felt like.
And I did stuff when I was married by myself constantly. So it wasn't that I couldn't go by myself.
(12:29):
I just felt like maybe could not go and be social and not be sad at my circumstance.
Well, now I have gone out and done social things and been in the middle of an
absolute fabulous time and still had that thing in the back of my head saying,
this is still like I'm like this would have been better with or I wish that things were different.
(12:50):
Or, you know what I mean? But I'm not there anymore.
I am not there anymore.
And it has been a long time since I've had those, but I'm still pushed through.
I still did it. And for 90% of any of those events, even when I was a little sad, I was happy.
And I was 10% in my feels and 90% in the moment having fun with my friends. In the moment.
(13:14):
So that's what I was about to say. It's interesting that you just said that
because I've gotten to a place and we've talked about this a lot,
But I've got no place where I don't futurize and I don't really think about the past either.
I really am just I mean, I'll futurize in terms of like I've got a doctor's
appointment next week or I have to make sure that, you know,
my kid has a has an activity for the week that he's with me that I have to go
(13:36):
to work in the summertime.
Time like that that's what I think about is more planning but
you know there's no like I don't
know I so I'm I really I really
when I'm present I feel very present you know I don't
well not okay I have that has been a gift of divorce
to me as well what is that yes it is not something I ever thought about or even
(14:00):
really did but really post-divorce it has truly been a gift to enjoy Enjoy where
I am right now and not take for granted that the future is going to be there. Yeah. Okay.
I think I got so bogged down. Maybe that's what it is.
In having to do all those things, like with my kids when they were a certain
age and keep the calendar, do all that, that I did not carve out time for fun just for me.
(14:27):
It was always centered around my kids' activity.
Or I felt I felt guilty for carving
out fun for me when the kids were little because
or younger anyway but I think part of
it was I was I was not contributing financially to the family so I felt like
anything that I did that sucked money out of the family unit was I felt guilty
(14:51):
for because I felt like I needed to be working 24 7 you know to make this work
that was my contribution instead of monetary.
And that was not at all. Anyway, I look back and feel sad for that woman that I was.
Me too, because I didn't quite have time for fun fun, you know,
unless it was, well, I did girls golf, but,
(15:12):
That was not, you know what I'm saying? That was more of a athletic endeavor.
Get out of the house. Not, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It was different.
But now I just want to do fun things. And, you know, I love that we decided
as a little group that we were going to try to do stuff like once a quarter,
because I think it just, it gives you something to look forward to.
Yeah. It gives you something to work toward and think about.
(15:36):
Yeah. Okay. Now I do love to plan. Love to plan. And I don't necessarily have
to find a good, healthy balance between futurizing and planning. I hate planning.
I don't necessarily. I don't love to actually execute it. I just like to think about it.
That's different because when you're futurizing, it's more of a fantasy.
(15:59):
And when you're planning, you have specific goals. Like for next year,
I said I'm cooking for Dignam Blanc.
So that's even though that's in the future that's a certain thing that i will
do it's not like oh i futurizing would be i have a date that's the thing and it'll be a romantic time,
(16:21):
but i don't even know though even if i was dating somebody that i wouldn't want
to just go with girls because i have so it's fun it doesn't change the expectation
and there's no babysitting you're I'm not worried about anybody.
Now, granted, once again, we've said this before. If you're with the right partner,
you don't worry about them.
(16:41):
And you just symbiotically just do your thing and everybody's happy.
And I just haven't experienced that yet. So maybe.
I don't know. But I think there are things that you just need to do with your
girlfriends, too, just to have fun, just to hang out.
Well, if you know, a friend of mine and Bonnie's calls it like when you're with somebody.
(17:03):
If they don't want to do a certain thing, it's the price of admission. Right. Yeah.
And I thought that was so interesting. But that's because there's never going
to be the perfect partner. No.
No. But you're not going to have them. If you love somebody completely,
then you accept those pieces that don't quite fit, and it's fine.
And that's okay. And that's okay. Because while I was at the party last night,
(17:25):
my boyfriend hung string lights in the backyard. And they looked fabulous.
And did his own little project, because that's what he wanted to do.
And it is fine. I mean, like, anyway.
I guess ultimately what we're saying is the fun thing doesn't have to necessarily
involve a significant other.
No. Because even when you're with a significant other, it doesn't always involve them.
(17:48):
Well, but it also, I think it's important to find ways to have fun and to feel
truly alive without the significant other that you thought you had to have.
You know what? Yeah. To get out of that mindset that you have to have a partner
to feel all of those fabulous things is very important because then when you
(18:11):
meet the person that you're supposed to be with or you meet people,
especially you're not supposed to be with,
it is, you know, I think they're a little more when you're happy with yourself
and you have fun with yourself and all of that. I think it's a little easier.
When you know how you want your life to look and be, it's hard to accept anything else.
We were talking before about how sometimes, I don't know, I used to be such
(18:36):
a yes person, but lately, and I hate it when people expect me to give up my
free time to do something.
Right, yeah. And it may be selfish, and maybe it is selfish,
and it's okay to be a little bit selfish, but I'm not going to always give up
my free time to do something for somebody else.
(18:57):
I think that's different than if people...
Expect you to do things without asking you before time do you know i'm saying if they just assume,
that they can but also the the
having the space to go no actually i
(19:17):
can't do that okay but do you think because like tonight yeah
my mother and she wouldn't mind me talking about this but my mother asked me
to go to a last minute birthday dinner that they
planned for my nephew and i said i'm sorry
but no i gave myself today i have given myself today
so i don't think it's a thing to even
begin to think that that is selfish instead of
(19:38):
self-care maybe is that a southern thing you think you know because i listen
to you talk about it and knowing how full your life is with things that you
all of your must be done i'm listening to you talk about self-care not selfish
yeah so So I'm wondering if that's kind of a Southern thing.
That's also a setting boundaries thing.
(19:58):
Yeah. And you can't, I mean, you can't say yes to everything because you won't survive.
I mean, you'll bring it to pass. Well, but I do think that we here in the South,
there are a lot of things that we are, that we have placed on ourselves.
We feel that we must say yes to, and we must, you know, it's selfish if we don't
give ourselves in all of these different ways.
(20:18):
And with my daughter, there's every once in a while, her little
Southerness will come up and she won't want to hurt somebody still and
so I'll be like can you please go ask your Yankee friends what they
would do in this situation and she'll come back and
she'll be like yeah they told me I was being ridiculous okay I started
laughing when you said when y'all were starting talking about this
because I remember I little me moved to
(20:39):
New York City when I was 23 and
I left right off McNichol Street in the village
and I would you know run
being raised so they're trying to help everybody well there was
a homeless homeless man that wanted to you know wanted to hand out everything
and i would give him money because he knew i just bought groceries and i had
(21:01):
change in my pocket so i gave him my change and my little sweet daddy i would
tell him about he said beth you're gonna be sitting right out there with him
if you can't give him all your,
help him once a month but don't help him every time you go to the grocery store.
But that's when you're raised to try to help everybody
and i'm not saying helping people is wrong i'm just saying if your
(21:24):
cup is empty you can't pour yeah exactly that's
right and that's and that's exactly so i think there's a difference between
self-care and selfish yeah yeah but i think we were raised to think it's kind
of the same yeah yeah it's it's okay to say no to something in order to just
do something for you. Yes.
(21:45):
Like going to a movie. Yes. Or taking yourself to breakfast.
Or taking your dog for a walk. Yeah, and that is fine.
That is a good thing. So, I don't know. I...
My philosophy on all of that has changed a lot, I guess.
My philosophy has changed completely because now I just want to have,
I want to have something fun to do at least once a month.
(22:08):
Well, that's, yeah. I want to do things for me.
I want to do things, like I want to do my art. Like taking this art class has been so fun.
It's gotten me, pushed me in all sorts of ways, but I have to give,
I've had several people, can we do this on Thursday night?
I'm like, nope, I got art class. A lot of the fun stuff that I do lately,
(22:29):
unless it's like a planned event like last night, I just kind of wander into it. And I like that.
Because sometimes I wake up exhausted. I just want to be still.
But if I wake up and I'll talk to my partner about what he's feeling for the
day and what's he going to do.
And then I'm like, hey, what do I want to spend my time doing?
(22:51):
And then we end up sort of just cultivating this day.
And that's it's it's i don't know i like it so
did you do that in your marriage or was it very different in
your marriage did you cultivate your day no no i
didn't know i didn't we didn't talk about things like like this i mean this
morning over coffee my my boyfriend and i talked about like you know the essentially
(23:15):
our goals for the day and what we needed to do and what time we had to do it
and when we were going to do you know xyz and then we watched three hours of rick and morty.
Because that was fun that's what we wanted to do while we drink whenever we
drank our coffee so but no i there was no we didn't actively really actively
speak about anything did you like that,
(23:37):
did you do that we did to an extent so my ex when we when we were together we would,
but you know we had kids and a lot of it was okay who's doing what with the
kids what what has to be done today?
Are we mowing the grass? Are we doing this?
Okay. If we're mowing the grass, will you take care of lunch?
We did a lot of the, here's our must be done.
(24:00):
You divide up the, let's, let's take care of this. You take care of that. You take care of this.
But really by the end of the day, I was always with the kids by myself seemed
like, you know what I mean? Or this, that, or the other.
So we went to an extent, but it didn't always play out all the way.
But we were, we were okay with that, especially before alcohol really kind of took control.
But I also I also think that there's a difference in who I was as a young person and who I am now.
(24:25):
When I was younger, time never ended.
Days were endless like and and there will be an unlimited amount
of days and now it's like something
about the divorce and I guess especially since my
ex-husband has passed it's days are
not unlimited my time is
(24:46):
what you know what I mean it's like all of a sudden I see everything from
this time this precious standpoint that I didn't
have when the kids were younger and I was in my younger
marriage and I don't know if that's an age thing or if
it's an experience thing or if you know
because I don't know if just being that young that's
just how you live and you wander through each day you
(25:07):
know getting all the things you have to get done without as much like purpose
for yourself because we've also had all these kids I was taking care of so I
don't know if it's an empty nest thing because I don't have this meant out the
kids are on top of me they are self-sufficient It's a very passive role to be a mother at this point.
You know, I don't know what all has contributed to my point of view at this
(25:29):
point where it's self-care is highly important.
I don't know. The age thing probably has something to do with it because I would
say since being in my 40s, I definitely have more of a, I used to worry.
I remember when my son was little, like new, like two, I was worried about dying all the time.
I mean, I, and I had to get my gallbladder, like I had a major stomach trouble.
(25:52):
I thought I was dying. I assumed I was dying because I had this two-year-old.
How would I, what would make me special to get to stay here for his life? You know what I mean?
So, I mean, I had like, it was big anxiety about dying and leaving him.
And then you get a little older and you're like, oh, wait, yeah, that's a real thing.
(26:13):
Like, you could die anytime. So, I don't know. I concentrate a lot more on the
friendships that I have and...
And just doing, just doing, you know, experiencing as much as I can.
Well, things don't like, so you might.
I worry a lot less than I used to worry. Well, things aren't as important.
Like, all right, my oldest is getting married.
(26:35):
And there are a lot of things, anything they bring up with the wedding,
me at 30 would have been like, oh, my gosh, no, we can't do this.
We have to do this. I kind of had so many opinions.
Me in my 50s, I'm like, that's great. What can I do to help? I don't care.
Y'all do your wedding however you want to. What I care about is you two being
(26:56):
happy and loving each other and being able to be on this side and witness that.
I do whatever you want to, but I really think that in my 30s,
I would have been a nightmare.
I think I've learned so much since then.
I also think part of that is the divorce and going through everything I did.
(27:18):
So much is just not important to me anymore.
Well, I feel like I've sifted down after my divorce.
And I honestly felt when I first got divorced that I had wasted my youth on this man.
My time, my youth, my energy, my passion was wasted.
(27:39):
So now that I'm more on the healing side of this, Now I want to use every bit
of my time to explore the things I want to do.
I'm about to roll into a passive mother kind of role.
And I really honestly want to live that quote that I want to have the best time.
(28:02):
Use every particle of energy, slide into my grave sideways completely without
anything left. No reserves.
Yeah yeah so that's where i am that's a good time so i want to have fun and
i want to do things that i enjoy and i want to say this last night there was
(28:24):
a point and i can't remember what song was on we were all on the dance floor
lauren you were kind of ahead of me a body was to the side,
and i thought i feel like i am 18 years old yeah i was just expect joy was just
right yeah I jumped up and down on my bad knee.
(28:45):
I know. You would not let me jump up and down on the asphalt. But I had.
The best time. Yeah. I did too. Legally possible. Yeah.
I mean, I just felt like, oh my gosh, this is fabulous.
Yeah. I just felt like I was 18.
(29:06):
I felt like, you know, those days you used to ride around with the tops down
and the music blaring and you just felt young and invincible.
I had that moment last night and I looked around at all the people around me of all different ages.
And it was like everybody was having that same kind
of moment and it was fat was it when we were
(29:28):
battling between war damn eagle and roll tot roll no mr
brightside mr brightside it was mr brightside that was that was that was a good
band was great it was like bang bang so like despacito is an inside joke between
me and my boyfriend because i sent you the videos yes but you used to always
(29:48):
programmed alexa in my office to play despacito if you asked her to play anything
and so i would walk in and go alexa play you know whatever and she'd go play despacito,
so they played despacito i was like oh my god it's a song.
It was just as fun it was like mass amounts of people having the same Same joy
(30:15):
and energy at the same time. You couldn't help.
The power of the group experience is. It's amazing.
When I looked over and there's a woman with a cane dancing. Yeah. I was like, okay.
Well, and I love those nights where everybody's just saying yes.
Yeah. To what's going on.
Like, yes, we're going to do this. And yes, we're going to lock this house after.
(30:37):
And yes, we're going to go to my house. And yes, like, you know,
it's just like a happy moment.
I had that vibe when I went to that reunion a couple of months ago.
It was just like, yes, we're doing everything we can do, possibly fit into this
24-hour date. So it was a really fun night, and I hope we have many, many, many more.
(30:59):
You and I should play the Dinae on Dwarf.
No kidding, because I was so uncomfortable in white. Y'all know it.
I was like, I just felt like I was in the job. Black is our signature color.
We were on our way to Denali Blanc and Beth is wearing a sweet little white
headband with jewels and pearls on it.
(31:20):
It feels like, it just doesn't feel like me. Like I'm really struggling.
What do you think? I was like, it's really cute. It's just not black.
I feel like the vampire. Inviting the grudge.
What do you have? I cannot stand this one, John.
(31:43):
All right. Well, Beth, you just said something that I want to address.
You said that you had felt like you had wasted your youth on your husband.
So I've had those feelings in the past, but I think I am healed enough now from
my, my divorce and all, but I have to say, I don't regret any of it because
I feel like such a strong and independent person at this moment.
(32:06):
I think raising my kids a good deal on my own, even inside the marriage,
really sort of lent itself to showing me I could do anything ever that I might
possibly need it to on my own.
And I, you know, I just look at all of those experiences and.
Having a romantic relationship means so little in my life right now.
(32:29):
I'm not reaching for it. I don't have to have it. It's not something I feel
like I have to have to complete my life for the first time ever.
I can look back at that and say, I did not waste my youth. I raised my kids.
Well, I will add to that. So, and I don't know if this is not the difference in our personalities.
I always knew that I could do anything.
(32:51):
Yes, and I didn't. And so when I say I feel like I wasted my youth,
I feel like I stayed in my marriage for a really long time because I physically,
mentally, spiritually,
emotionally was not ready to leave.
And I really wanted my children to have that family unit kind of stability.
(33:13):
But, however, I also feel like I gave 110% when I got divorced, I was 52.
Is that right? I was 52. And they told me on paper that I was non-employable.
Like, I just felt like horrible. Like, okay, I'm out at 52.
(33:35):
If I had been out at 42, there's a huge difference between 42 and 52.
There is. And there's a huge difference between 42 and 59.
Like, I just feel like, I feel like my really young, energetic,
get up and go kind of stuff was stalled during that 10 years.
(33:57):
And then I had to like start it back up, reanimate myself with the divorce.
And on top of that, you know, I had a series of, it wasn't just like I got divorced
and then I got my alimony and child support and went on my merry way.
I had a series of, you know, big problems.
My ex had a mental breakdown. He was hospitalized.
(34:22):
He had some other problems. He got back on his feet. Then he tried to commit suicide.
I mean, it was like every time the psycho came around and I was doing really
well, there was an event. Mm-hmm.
That I was tied to, but not really, but I was tied to.
And so I feel like I'd spun my wheels and I did work from a very good base of
(34:43):
raising my kids for that 10 years.
And I love my kids. And I really do think that that contributed to how I have
kind of gotten out of that.
But at the same time, I do not have the same energy. I do not have the same
drive to get things done that I had when I was younger.
See, I don't feel like that because I think I felt like something was holding
(35:08):
me back the whole time, if that makes sense.
Yeah, but I feel like that's what I'm saying. Well, no, and I'm mad,
but I also use so much energy trying to get this to work out.
I mean, okay, here's my Pollyanna. And I thought, really, and honestly,
I fantasized that he would say, hey, I made a huge mistake.
(35:31):
I'm going to do everything possible to mend this problem in our marriage.
And that never actually happened. Well, and I want to tell you that if I met myself,
if I were able to go back in time and meet myself, because, you know,
I've stayed in my marriage 10 years longer than I should have to,
and give that person advice, I'd have to tell her to leave.
(35:53):
That I know that I stayed 10 years because I thought that's what I was supposed
to do. I felt like I should.
Well, and you know, I just really, there were lots of reasons that I did,
but if I could go back, I would tell her your kids are going to be fine.
Yeah. That your kids may actually be better if they're not around all the toxic
(36:13):
relationship stuff that if you could raise your children where they had that
peace in the home with you for those 10 years,
it might not actually be better for you and for them but and
i would tell myself that so i'm not saying that i
wouldn't go back and possibly do it differently i just don't necessarily regret
the choice i made with the limited information i had but if anybody asked me
(36:35):
now i would be like yes i would tell her to leave i'm not saying that i regret
the choice i'm saying from my By youth and energy standpoint,
I feel like that my youth was wasted in those 10 years and my energy definitely
was wasted because it wasn't the outcome that I thought all the energy would produce.
(36:57):
Do you know what I'm saying? It was a disappointment in that way.
You didn't have a return on your investment.
I did not have a return on my investment. I did not.
Now, from the point of the romantic partner marriage, I did not have the return on my investment.
But for my kids...
I think definitely had a return on my investment of those 10 years for my kids
(37:21):
and their education and all that.
I definitely think that I had.
And I think we all stayed until we absolutely couldn't stay anymore.
That's what I thought. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, part of my philosophy before
divorce was, especially knowing that my husband was sick with the addiction
and all, was I didn't want my children to look at me ever and say.
(37:45):
Why didn't you try X, Y, Z?
Why did you let this fail? Why didn't you try everything you possibly could?
I wanted to be able to answer all of those possible questions with,
I did this, this, this, this, and this.
These are the things I did to try and save our marriage. These are the things
I tried to do to save your dad.
Like I did absolutely everything to try and make this work.
(38:06):
And I just, I didn't want, especially because of what I was looking at possibly
happening, which did end up happening.
I just didn't want them to ever feel like I had
done anything to contribute to their father's illness
and done everything that I could possibly do to
try and help him recover and be
(38:26):
the father that they needed and to be the man that he wanted to
be okay I had that exact same thing you know
I just think I didn't I was working on the so to
me not having that regret knowing I
did everything I could outweighed me feeling
like I needed to go on and leave at the time yeah but I
also feel like I could have support now on the other end I could have done a
(38:48):
whole lot of supporting of him after divorce like just because I did because
we divorced and I was still his main contact I was still his emergency contact
I still was the one that took him to rehab is still the one who went and visited
him and did all of those things. I was still that person.
I could have been that person 10 years sooner.
But I'm sorry, hindsight.
(39:10):
So back to having fun. Yes. We had a little off topic. We had a little off topic.
Well, don't we always get off topic?
Well, I mean, that's because we weren't doing that. No, we weren't.
It wasn't fun. No. In the middle of it. Right.
Really no. No. And that's another reason why it's so important that we make
sure we're making time even when we feel like we don't have the time. Yeah.
(39:34):
We protect our time. We protect our time for our creative endeavors that mean something to us.
And we create we protect our time for the fun that feeds our soul with our people
and stuff you wanted to do yes well i think you have to feed yourself and have fun and that will,
feed into your artistic okay and
(39:55):
i have been exhausted today better person when you
have fun and you can recharge your batteries you're more you're
you're a nicer person well at least i am way
nicer i have better ideas i
feel like yes my created right like i worked on some
of my paintings today and my creativity even just just singing and playing last
night they like it freed some space up and your stuff looks great well thank
(40:21):
you i'm working on it you're gonna get an a in my class you might get an a plus
bonnie Let's see, let's see.
All right, well, what are y'all doing this week? I know what Beth is doing this
week. So, Lauren, let's start with you. Beth, you get to go last.
Well, we have our second week of theater camp at 10 p.m.
College this week so and it's cats camp it's cats we're doing cats the junior edition so,
(40:46):
we've got that show on saturday and i've got i've got rehearsals for sweeney
todd and that has really been artistically very fun for me so far so i needed
to kind of live in a well that's your favorite yeah it's my second favorite
show it's the best musical ever written but it's my second,
West Side Story is my favorite. We caused the best musical.
(41:07):
Just my opinion. Let me clear that up.
Professional opinion. So that has been really just a very good time.
So I love that. And then I get my kiddo back this week. So goodbye. That's a big surgery.
So that's, yeah. It's work fun, but it's, you know, what I do is fun usually. Usually so.
(41:29):
Well, I have our, my, the wedding preparations are ramping up,
get to really kind of make sure everything is together and kind of make sure
all my planning is done, which is fun.
Had my, I had my second fitting for the mother of the groom dress this past
week. It went, it went well.
So the shoes that I picked out will go. Yeah.
(41:51):
Little things, just little things. So that, that's fun.
And my daughter will be, she's still here. Yeah, I just I'm enjoying every moment
with her because she'll be gone for the month of July and then she'll come back
for like two weeks and then be gone again to go back to school for the year.
Exactly. So I know that my time with her is limited.
And so any time I can get with her is is always fun. So. All right, Beth, go.
(42:18):
Finally. Finally. Finally, the
vacation that did not make last year is hopefully going to make this year.
And I will be in Dublin and London and Paris and Norway.
Yay, I'm so jealous. And then back. And I'm very excited.
You should be. I have my daughter packed today.
(42:40):
So all my stuff is kind of piled but not actually packed yet.
Because I want to do a last little glimmer. And I do have to work the first two days.
Tomorrow's a big travel day. But once I get through that, I think. Well, good.
It'll be cool. So I'm excited. Now, if I get stuck again, I will be madder than
wet again. But, you know, I'll live.
(43:02):
But y'all will have to hear about it. So be prepared.
Surely you'll be fine. Not the big strikes in the airlines this year.
I hope not. You never know.
We didn't know what was happening last year. But anyway, we'll see. We'll see. We'll see.
All right. Wait a minute. Well, I'll sleep with y'all.
Cheers. It sounds a little different. Bye.
(43:25):
Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday. See you next week,
girls. See you next week. Cheers.
Music.
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