Episode 117 - Best of the News 2024 (2024) - The Culture Swally

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Culture Swally, a podcast dedicated to Scottish news and pop culture.

(00:22):
My name is Nicky and I'm all by myself today.
Because Greg and I are having an extra couple of weeks off and recovering from the festive
period. But we didn't want to leave you without an episode this week, so it's the usual
cop-out of cobbling together a best of the new special.
So if this is the first time you've listened to the show, thank you very much for downloading,
and this will give you a taste of what the first half of the podcast is usually like.

(00:44):
And if you're a regular listener, then kick back, relax, or do whatever you normally do
whilst listening to Greg and I talk nonsense and reminisce in some of the wonderful news
stories from 2024. And we also have a special treat for you at the end of the episode.
I hope you enjoy listening to this as much as I've enjoyed putting it together. Right,
I never get to say this normally.
Nicky, gud jingle!

(01:05):
[Music]
Hello, this is the Outdoor Heavilys Broadcasting Cooperation and here is what's been going on
in the new.
Back in January 2024 on Episode 92 of the podcast, we followed the logistics on their

(01:26):
magical comeback tour as we looked at the 1987 classic Tutti frutti.
But in the news, we discussed Gordon Ramsay's latest creation of a breakfast burger.
[Speaking in foreign language]
My next story is from Glasgow Live this week, Greg, and it concerns X Rangers player, that's

(01:48):
how he would like to be known, I imagine, Gordon Ramsay, although he never actually
made a proper appearance for Rangers, but we'll let him take what it does.
So the headline is, "Gordon Ramsay's full Scottish burger urged by Scots to get in the bin."
So Gordon Ramsay has taken to social media to show off one of his latest creations, but

(02:11):
it's not going down as well as he thought it would.
After posting about his full Scottish available at his Edinburgh restaurant, the chef and
TV star was soon hit by criticism, with people saying it was far from a full Scottish, and
that's because of a few things that don't belong there.
In his caption, he wrote, "Try the full Scottish at Gordon Ramsay Street Burger Edinburgh,

(02:33):
with Lauren Sosage, a hash brown, and an easy over egg."
The Brioche burger contains a square sausage, egg, a hash brown, and controversially let
us into Mato.
And it's very apparent nobody thinks the last of those three things belong in any full
Scottish breakfast, with one calling the chef a chance.

(02:55):
Taking to X, often called Twitter, as a first I've seen that, norably it's, previously,
or, yeah, they've done often called Twitter.
People spoke their minds, and it's clear while some were keen to get their hands on and
around the burger, others were more happy to stay away.
Someone said, "18 quid for a sausage and egg, double or, no Scottish person put salad

(03:15):
in a breakfast roll, get in the sea gordo, get in the sea gordo, another bro, Neta is
gone, and the roll is too posh, and the slice looks far too lean, and there seems to be some
green shite on it."
A third simply said, "Nag open, nah, whilst another bro hash brown, that's no Scottish,

(03:38):
and ask for lettuce at breakfast, have a fucking word for yourself."
A fifth added, "Get that roll, that lettuce, and that tomato in the bin, the hash brown
can stay at a push."
On the side though, Neta we taught you scone on the side as well, and a proper roll would
be good.
I did see a post on Twitter about it as well, and someone posted there, "There's no

(04:00):
Scottish person alive that's putting lettuce and tomato in that roll, yeah, Fanny."
Yeah, Gordon's come under a little bit of criticism for his full Scottish roll because
he's got lettuce and tomato on it.
Now it's obviously a burger, so I don't think it's meant to be eaten at breakfast time.
Yeah, so a square sausage, obviously I'm out immediately because, if they honestly know

(04:25):
that gives me heartburn, and obviously my vegetarian is here.
No, I'm more important.
But it could be a square sausage, egg, hash brown lettuce and tomato in a briosh bun.
Sounds quite nice though, doesn't it?
I mean it sounds fine, I think, you know, as a spectre that he wasn't, he didn't come up

(04:48):
with it as a Scottish tribute, but if he did, it could maybe swap the hash brown for a wee
toy scorn.
I mean I like a hash brown, but it's not Scottish, but I mean, a wee toy scorn is, you know?
Swap the briosh for like a well-fired roll.
Yeah, and I think you need a little bit of haggis in there as well, like a nice little slice

(05:13):
haggis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A wee sort of whiskey base, a realish or something like that, but on there, we've got a sweetness
and spice.
That sounds nice actually.
Now yeah, maybe we should get onto X, often called Twitter and then I know he got it.
He got it though.
We've, I know he had a multi-billionaire and a world-famous chef, but we've thought of some

(05:36):
improvements that we could do on your fucking full Scottish burger.
We've noticed we're going wrong.
Just give me a bit of advice here, Gordon.
He's got a funny relationship with Scotland Gordon Ramsay because okay, but he was, I
know he was born in, I remember, I read his autobiography years and years ago and he was
born in Johnson and his mum's Scottish.

(05:58):
Now see me as mum on a TV when you used to do the F-word in Channel 40, I thought he had
there on a couple of times.
Seemingly with the sole name of Humiliate and our suits would do like a sort of cooking,
they would have like a competition where him and somebody else would do their own version
of like a classic.
I remember him and I, you know how muddy they, they, they made bread and butter puddings

(06:18):
and the guests had to decide which one was the best.
He got his mum on.
I can't remember what she was making, but it was a real sort of hearty dish, like steak
pie or something like that, right?
So he gets his mum on to go up against her, making his steak pie against her steak pie.
And then obviously he's a fucking Michelin star chef who worked in Paris, right?

(06:40):
And his mum's just a wee Scottish woman, probably a recipe that's been handed down from her
mum.
And Gordon Ramsay won.
And he was, he's like, yes, you're out of being me.
You know, you would think, if you know, if you get your mum on, you fucking let her win,
right?
You don't get it, get it, run you.

(07:00):
Right up you.
So, but I mean, they moved away from Scotland when he was nine.
Now I, I mean, they didn't keep his accent.
I moved away from Scotland when I was eight, although I did come back when I was 14, but
I didn't, I didn't lose my accent.
You know, I mean, he's of it.
Obviously just tried to fit in, not because he's been made, made fun of, said a bit.

(07:23):
Yeah, probably.
I mean, I don't know.
He's quite a controversial figure, Ramsay.
Even though he's an ex-hunt, apparently.
I, I can't help but love the guy.
Oh, I do.
He's brilliant.
Yeah.
And I've read a lot about him online, actually, and I've, I have read, I've met him actually,
yeah, I met him in Dubai.
I went to his, um, bread street kitchen.

(07:45):
Oh, yeah.
That's cool, I met him.
Yeah.
I have to say I've read a lot about him online.
I've never heard a bad word about him, if you know what I mean.
Like, people are like, he's lovely.
And I think it says a lot, like all of his staff, like, no one says a bad word about him.
Yeah.
He's amazing to work for.
And I think it is a persona that he's this angry, sweary chef, but I think, I think he

(08:07):
does demand, obviously, high caliber, but I think he's, he's very good about it and
fair.
And I think, and a, a good guy.
I mean, he's, his celebrity initially was built on his temper because he was, I remember
the first show, and I remember watching it was that boiling point where obviously, obviously,
like somebody had heard them rip in a, call me chef, they can you are, or something and

(08:31):
decided that they would make a goods, a good subject for like a fly in the wall, a documentary.
Um, and he'll be sort of famously worked for Mark O'Pierre, white and all that, but he,
um, he, um, but, you know, I could sort of understand.
And I've been in the same industry, right?
So I could, I could understand what he was obviously very, very driven and I, you know,

(08:51):
in, they didn't, anybody, any passengers were swiftly fucking, kind of kicked off the boat,
you know, if they weren't, kind of pulling their way or doing what they were doing, I remember
they're sagging a waiter on the spot because the waiter took a drink of water in the dining
room and he didn't want the diners to, you didn't think the diner should have to see
a waiter, haven't they?
The drink of water and I find diner restaurant and fucking can them. Um, but I think now to

(09:14):
your point, you know, I think he's, he's obviously been mass of this successful and he's probably
not that guy anymore.
And he does, he plays that guy in Hell's Kitchen because that's, uh, that's one of me and my family's
favorite shows.
Um, but he's obviously been, that's what, that's all about.
It's all about him fucking cracking up at them when they make mistakes and things like that.

(09:34):
Um, but I think to your point is actually probably quite mellow by comparison to what
it was in the, kind of, late 90s when he first sort of came to tell him, yeah, Michael, back
and watch some of the old kitchen nightmares because they were fantastic.
I'm, I, I never really liked the US ones because that was, that felt a lot of falsified drama.
Like it was always, uh, it always kicked off, but the UK one was so raw and real.

(09:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, and the first series of so was just fucking amazing in tell.
So they were just the, the idiots that you couldn't believe.
But as it went on and became more successful, and especially with a USA export, it became
a little bit more panto.
Yeah.
But that first couple of series of kitchen nightmares is just epic television when he's
just, you know, ripping the apps out of people.

(10:18):
And, but he's doing it from a good place as well.
He's like, oh, well, you succeed, you know, and he goes into a restaurant.
They have like 40 things in the menu and he's like, strip it back.
Have like six things that you do well rather than why are you fucking restaurant and Hamilton
high street?
Why are you cooking jambalaya and egg and chips and seabass?

(10:38):
Like, no, stick to what you know.
Well, if you, if you, if you ever feel any bit low and you want to be cheered up, just watch
the opening credits for his hotel, hell TV show.
It will cheer you up.
It will.
All right.
I'll look at that after it.
We finished recording.
He had no attention to Mr. Tonya, Danny.
She's going to get a josh as when we get back.

(11:00):
Just try it.
On February on episode 93, we looked at the cult classic film starring the very elegantly
handled time lord Peter Capaldi, soft top, hard shoulder.
But also on that episode, we met a man who wanted to add his sausage to his supper in his
local chip shop.
And I'm all right.
Thank you.
And I'm all right.

(11:23):
Fuck off.
Well, once again, it's been a bit of a lean week for Swallycentric News.
And then I came across one which I think we've had the same sort of story about a hundred
times over the years we've been doing the pod.
It comes from the record on Thursday, the 25th January.

(11:44):
Drunk Shocks trippy staff with sausage supper after pulling down his pants in the chip shop.
This is Craig Patterson aged 40 as a photograph of him.
I mean, I've got nearly six years on Craig and he looks like he's got fucking 30 years
on me.
And he exposed himself at the Chippy takeaway in West Lothian in May of 2022.

(12:08):
An 18-year-old girl and a 51-year-old man who had been drinking with Craig in the Blue
Bell in in West Lothian, so I'm standing outside in nearby news agents.
He asked them to wait for him where the ordered food from a nearby takeaway food shop called
the Chippy.
Knowing that he was heavily under the influence of alcohol, they decided to keep an eye on
him to make sure he got home safely.

(12:30):
However, when the man and women went into the shop to hurriedly accused along, he suddenly
boasted to them that he had an 8 inch thick and massive bod.
He added that if the man gave him £50, he'd get them out.
The Vincenacere of Court was told.
His drinking companion Joke and they told him, "Go on then, and Patterson prompt the

(12:52):
unzipped to his jeans, dropped his trousers and underwear, and exposed his penis and testicles
to them."
He and a teenager told Patterson to put his genitals away and the accused did as he was
ordered.
All three of them went back to the Blue Bell in, we're back to the Blue Bell in, on Main Street
and West Colder.
We're Patterson, he ate the food that he bought.
I can't imagine the pub being over the moon about someone bringing their own Chippy in.

(13:15):
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
That's the most unbelievable part of the story for me so far.
Yeah.
Patterson of Sturtfield, Crescent, Brockston, West Lothian, in case somebody wants to go
on Chappy's door, appeared for Cent, and then Thursday, after earlier pleading guilty to
intentionally exposing his genitals in a sexual manner, with the intention that the witnesses

(13:36):
would see them and made this into it, he's not guilty, please, to sexually assaulting the
teenage girl in the pub by stroking her legs and making indecency sexual comments towards
her and to others were accepted by the Crown.
So he's just a flesher, not a sex case.
Charlie Morrison defending, said Patterson, was not a subject to the notification requirements,

(13:58):
commonly known as the sex offenders register, because a court had ruled that the remaining
charge of getting these balls out did not have a significant sexual element.
Well, that's sure he was shot at me a quick 50 quid off his pal.
50 quids a bit much just to ask for getting your balls out.
I mean, I, I mean, our friend, that little John's window, who's already said, is me.

(14:19):
You used to do that for free all the time.
So the charge 50 quid, Christ, I could have made a fortune.
Many times.
Be fucking living in the lap of actually.
If we're paid, you every time you get your buzzer.
So Morrison added that Craig was in, was his name again?
Yeah, Craig was in homeless accommodation at the time.

(14:42):
He doesn't remember what happened, but it says the matter has been a wake up call for
him.
Yeah, the sheriff Susan Craig sent in his parts in a carry out 160 hours of unpaid work in
the community for within six months.
She said she told them, this was a clearly ridiculous incident in your absolutely right to
be ashamed of yourself.
That was a pollen behavior and must have been shocking for those in the chip shop where

(15:04):
you behaved in that way.
I mean, you know, times of change speak quite a lot.
I think because I have seen some absolute spectacles in the wee hours of the morning queueing
for a curry or a cabab as a young man.
I don't remember anybody getting arrested.
No, I was just about to say some of the sites I've seen in a chip shop, yeah, two, yeah.

(15:28):
But yeah, we were talking about 20 or two years ago, Craig when we were doing that.
But yeah, I've seen some sites in chip shops.
I've seen many a boob in a chip shop.
Oh yeah, ladies flashing their boob to get extra chips or something or to get to the front
of the queue or I've seen many people getting fishy fingers in a chip shop, but not over the

(15:52):
counter variety.
Yeah, we've seen many sites.
I mean, fuck what's sake?
I mean, we'll go back to the pie shop with Chapel Street and we used to always ask the
guy if he was really a master baker and stuff.
And yeah, you see some sites in there, but it's all about a drunk and fun, doesn't it?
Yeah, times have changed now, but 50 quid, I think is extortionate just to get your boasting.

(16:16):
Yeah, I still, I still, I still can't quite believe that night.
You, I can, I can, I can see your cork in my main zai.
I'll still press against the glass.
Like, right on the other side of the window where people eat in the dinners.

(16:40):
I mean, in my defense, I think I'd had a bottle of like, Saint Spreeze vodka, which was
fucking like, paint stripper.
And I mean, I must have only been like what, 21?
Yeah, maybe, maybe even a bit over, over half my life ago.
Yeah, I don't, you know what?
I don't regret it, but I don't condole it.

(17:02):
Like, it happened, it's, it's what happened.
And yeah, and as you said, I think you said in the previous episode, there was many times
that would be in a nightclub and would be dancing.
I would just tap you on the shoulder and point down and rub my cork out.
I know, like, you can't touch less by empty hammer, we'll come on.

(17:22):
That would be necky, skew to draw my attention.
So this cork, I can promise I've not done that for many of time.
But there was, there was a period of time I specifically remember.
I forgot to say this so much.
I'll cut this out.
I don't know.
It was around about 2002, it was when I was just leaving uni.

(17:45):
And Jackass was a very obviously big show.
Yeah, I was huge at that time.
And it became kind of a joke.
Most of my uni friends, they would start humming the party boy song.
And I would start stripping off.
And I have a photo of me actually in the middle of Bonacorn Street in Aberdeen wearing

(18:08):
an Indian headdress, like not a proper full one, like a party shop Indian headdress with
my shirt open and my trousers are my ass.
Dancing to the party boy theme that my friends were humming.
Oh fuck, yeah, I might cut that out.
I mean, anyway, I don't think that's worse than me.

(18:29):
I'm pressing your co-cup against the glass of a busy restaurant on the fray tonight to
be quite honest.
Yeah, that's probably true actually.
Yeah, that was just a bit of high jinks.
Where it's here.
I pressed my kinsicle ass might have, yeah, might have offended a few diners, especially
for a vegetarian.
But that wasn't that common back then.
Nevermind.
Anyway, let's be fun.
Fuck sake, I'm going to really spend all editing in this episode.

(18:52):
Okay, so what is happening to our sausage supper hero?
160 hours of unpaid work that he's got to complete within six months.
I mean, the bed.
Surely, if a judge was having a laugh, she'd just find him 50 quid and say that's the
50 quid you got for getting your co-cup.
That's what I would have done.
I hope he's still got that money.

(19:13):
Yeah, anyway, hopefully he's learning his lesson.
He doesn't remember any.
Any of it, maybe he had a couple of bottles of Saint Svodka as well before maybe.
Well, you know, the things would really get me down.
I used to work in this babyware shop.
Sometimes I'd really want to punch the wee bastards right in the face.

(19:34):
We got spooky in February on episode 94 where we looked at Florence Pew and her lovely genes
and more importantly, the patron saint of the culture swallow, James Cosmo, in the 2018
film Malevolent.
But in the news, we found out what happened during a burnt supper in an notorious Scottish
prison.

(19:54):
Jackson.
Is this your usual routine for all your clients?
Well, my first story was switching from Edinburgh to Glasgow.
We've done a couple of stories about salt and prison in the past, but now we're going to
bar Lenny for my next story.
So, the other episode goes out, we just under a month since Burns Night, but the story,

(20:19):
the headline is just wonderful and the headline is Bam O Shanta.
And this is from the Scottish sun this week.
A bar Lenny burns supper.
I try saying that after he's in a couple of beers.
A bar Lenny burns supper.
Turned out to be a major flop on Monday.
After cons ditched the bash, over fears it could destroy their hard man image.
Insiders claim the inmates at the notorious Glasgow Nick swore of the jolly.

(20:42):
A mid-concerns their street cred could be tarnished among criminal associates.
A prison source revealed, "Tam O Shanta."
It was more like Bam O Shanta, looking at the crowd that attended Mondays do.
If underworld connections on the outside, new prisoners were reciting poetry, holding
hands for old land sign, and singing folk music, they'd be a laughingstock.

(21:05):
It's understood that fewer than 20 cons checked out of their cells for a tart and themed
party, complete with iron brew and shortbread.
A source said, "The bash has been the talk of the steamy steamy."
It's brilliant that the hell is along to the steamy.
The bash has been the talk of the steamy for weeks.
However, most of the clons, including murderers and ruthless gangsters, avoid the event,

(21:28):
it's seen as a brutal stain on their street cred.
Maintaining a hard man image is more important than escaping their cells for a song and a dance.
The Scottish prison service last night defended the bash and insisted it is important
to mark significant events.
A spokesperson said, "We work hard to support the health and wellbeing of all those in our
care, including the events such as these which celebrate important dates in the cultural

(21:51):
calendar."
It comes after the sun exclusively revealed last month that jailed pedophiles at Barlinny
were treated to a Christmas sing song.
And then got selection boxes to take back to their cells.
I've not laughing at that, but there's something funny about giving pedos a selection box
to take back to their cells.
It's the sing song.
You better watch out.

(22:11):
Young girl, good.
Cricks blasted the lively talent show style party and presents for sickles who signed up for
music classes at the Barlinny and inside her said, "Christmas is mainly for children."
So the fact that pedophiles and rapists were singing songs about this time of year just

(22:33):
doesn't sit right.
And I think that's a valid point.
Now, it's a burn supper.
I thought it's a cultural thing, but they're saying they know what would be a laughing stock.
It's not like they're going to a line dancing event or something like that.
It's a burn supper.
Surely you'd think it'd be a nice treat to get some haggis and iron-brune shortbread
and stuff and celebrate your cultural heritage rather than sit in your cell, wanking off

(22:57):
to lend a lusurity on your wall.
Maybe they're turning up at the burn supper with a sharpened toothbrush in their sock instead
of a skin do.
Yeah, maybe.
That would actually go quite well.
I do know.
Is it okay to laugh about stuff like that?
I suppose it is.
But yeah, maybe if they'd heard about Cosmo's burn supper then they would have wanted

(23:18):
to attend it.
Yeah, because obviously that would maybe make them...
Yeah, it was a belter.
Yeah, certainly was.
It was a wonderful event.
But yeah, I can see where they might think they've lost street head, street cred with them
holding hands and singing old langsang together.
Maybe that's a little bit.
And it's a bonding experience, surely.
It's nice.
Yeah, I don't think they'd be able to want to bond with each other, they're prisoners.

(23:40):
I think most of them just want to keep their head down and get the fuck out of there.
I've been rewatching, obviously, I think there's a few that do want to bond with each other.
So yeah, we'll see.
I don't know what next is planned for the prisoners at Barlin.
Maybe a little Easter egg hunt or something.
They can shove...
Well, like that new story, I've also got it that that wasn't Scottish about the man
that had kindered eggs up his bum.

(24:02):
So maybe they'll be doing that in the prison for Easter eggs, but we'll wait and see.
But that's the update from Barlin.
Your mother was afraid of she... more strength.
She's stupid.

(24:23):
Episode 95 was a bit of a somber affair as we discussed the highly emotional but fantastically
brilliant Mayflies from 2022.
Garring Swally favourites Martin Compton, Tony Curran and Ashley Jensen.
But before that, we discovered where in Scotland was the best place to survive as zombie apocalypse.
That might have been in poor taste actually given the content of that show.

(24:44):
In the rest of the seas, cancels are...
Where?
The suffricus, liver, stomach and lymph nodes, whatever the fuck they are.
I've got four months and that's the shore of it.
Well, my first one comes from the daily record on the...

(25:05):
Oh, was it the 20th of February?
It's by the reporter, Sarah Vestey.
In the headline, we'd Scottish Highlands ranked as the safest place to survive as zombie apocalypse.
Zombies?
Yeah.
Maybe they... it's quite confident in all that people are sitting around doing surveys on things
that could never possibly happen, not in any way.

(25:26):
So it says, "The Scottish Highlands have been ranked as the safest place to survive as zombie apocalypse.
A new study has found, a new study has found.
Our guy, then, but came a close second with the Western Isles, Orkney and Sterling also featuring in the top ten places to stir like.
I mean, I think it might have happened in the Sterling already.
Obvious factors that were taken into account included population density

(25:51):
availability of useful survival resources such as supermarkets and outdoor supply doors.
But the number of lakes, garages, medical centres and other valuable amenities were also examined to discover areas with the best survival supplies.
The study conducted by Jeff Becht, that's all one word, it's not some guy called Jeff Becht, a censor guy, a company.

(26:14):
It must be like a betting website, and gave a score of 74.04 out of a possible 130 points to the Pitcher Esk Scottish Highlands.
A standout strength was a remarkably low population density, which was seen as a crucial factor in navigating post-apocalyptic challenges.
The wilderness areas were identified as being the perfect location for foraging and setting up remote shelters away from others.

(26:40):
Securing second place with a respectable score of 71.27 points is a gail and butte known for its remote and secluded setting this area is a prime location for surviving tough times.
I can only imagine that Sterling was put in there because they've got a few supermarkets that just based on the criteria that the report is there.

(27:02):
Is it because maybe the monument as well, because it's high up and maybe zombies can't climb up there as well?
There's obviously too fucked from climbing the steep hill to maybe.
I've been looking at the research to base this on. Have they just watched the Walking Dead and Day of the Dead and Dawn of the Dead and Sean of the Dead?

(27:34):
Nobody knows what zombies are actually going to be like.
The original night of the Dead has been remade a thousand times but the original will black and white one and the original Dawn of the Dead are two of my faves.

(28:10):
28 days later came out and they're not slow in fact they're pretty fast and I was and I didn't really fancy my chances as a 25 year old young man who was out every night and smoked but 20 fags a day.
Outrunning a determined zombie would be quite honest. I'm not even that sure that I don't really fancy my chances now to be quite honest.
So that starts to worry then after you saw that you thought oh maybe I better get fit and stop the fags because in case this is zombie apocalypse.

(28:36):
I mean why are they wasting money putting stuff into studies like this?
I mean that's Jeff Beck. Let's see what Jeff Beck is.
I thought you said Jeff Beck.
I was like, "Jesus what's Jeff Beck doing a study zombie apocalypse?"
Especially when he's dead.
Yeah well maybe he's been the animated piece.

(28:58):
Maybe he didn't fully died because he thought he might get a chance to come back and play high-hosts over line in one more time.
He's trying to do this study to find out the places to avoid because he knows they're the worst places to go with.
Yeah, better avoid sterling. I've just got to fall carcass dead.

(29:20):
I thought maybe the zombies might avoid the Scottish Highlands because famously that's where Jimmy Savo ran away to.
Well never a few react right? But apparently.
Yeah it was. Zombies are like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But then zombies be safe because technically they're dead but then they still are alive in a way they're reanimated.
So maybe Savo wouldn't be interested. Maybe the kitty zombies.

(29:42):
Anyway so Jeff Beck is an official betting website by the way.
I'm not sure right there are commissioning studies on a zombie apocalypse but they are.
That's fair enough.
Well Jeff Beck if you'd like to pause it if you'd like to sponsor the culture spell you can.
Get in touch with us and culture swell you at gmail.com.
She can make things difficult.
Legally when we get back.

(30:03):
Not for me I'm not coming back.
Just think about how she'll feel.
How I'll feel won't be here so I won't know.
Don't be a dick doing this for her too.
I want her to remember me whole.
Do you know what the standard?
In March on episode 96 we went to Uganda, not really.
But we did visit Idyami.
As we watched the 2006 award winning film The Last Kim of Scotland.

(30:27):
But closer to home we discovered a new national holiday in Scotland.
But it's safe to say I wasn't a fan.
It really gives me the boat.
Scottish.
Why didn't you say so?
I fought with the Scottish against the Malmau.
Great sodias.
Better brave and good people.
Completely. Let me tell you.
If I could be any tea instead of a Uganda I would be a Scottish.

(30:49):
Well Greg this episode will be coming out on Thursday the 21st of March.
So I am delighted to say that our listeners have four days to prepare for Scotland's next national day.
Oh!
We can give this an announcement on the swallow.
So this is from the Scottish Sun this week and the headline is The Lorn Supremacy.

(31:11):
Scotland's favourite breakfast street, not by me, is to be honoured with the launch of the world's first ever national holiday.
The nation's passion for the iconic meaty morsel inspired butcher Craig Chambers to invite Scots to tuck into feasts featuring the adorned right angled gut buster.

(31:33):
It gives me indichestial fucking hate square sausage.
And he selected March the 25th as the day to celebrate the traditional delicacy because 25 is a square number.
Craig commercial manager at We Hey Meat at a fucking great company.
We Hey Meat in Airshar said we have a genuine passion for the square sausage and we're very excited to declare 25th of March the world's first national square sausage day.

(31:59):
What's not to love about a square sausage? Well Craig where do I start?
Craig reckons as good reason why millions of Scots drool over the tummy filling lipsmacker often turning up their noses at the alternative links version.
And he is also spotted a potential and unexpected advantage that could give the flat four sided banger better green credentials than your everyday cylindrical sysler.

(32:25):
This, whoever's written this is having a fucking field day in this article.
He added it's locally produced in the perfect shape for a breakfast roll with no slice and required and it wouldn't fall out.
Well he's definitely got you there. He added and because it's thinner it takes less time to cook than a link sausage meaning that you switch to square sausage.

(32:53):
You're taking a step in reducing your energy consumption.
And he's got a point to be fair. The fact that he won't fall out I guess can��our anxiety as well if that's something that you might pick up on.
The Oranges of the Square Sausage commonly known as Lauren Sausage remain a mystery but it status as an iconic Scottish food is undeniable.

(33:21):
And the first Scottish myth is that it was invented by Glasgow comedian Tommy Lauren contrary to the widely held belief that a west coast butcher in the Firth of Lauren created it.
Craig is now urging Sausage maniacs.
To mark the inaugural day by enjoying a slice not just for breakfast but for lunch and dinner too.

(33:43):
By donating square sausage meals to the daily community pantry and daily primary school and sharing tips on social media on the best ways to cook and serve a slice.
The family business price itself for the commitment to quality traditional flavors producing more than 21 million slices a year.
And 45% fewer calories than the standard range offering a healthy alternative. For Chippy lovers it also offers a Chippy style range.

(34:15):
They are 700 gram. I know I'm not giving their promotion for that because it's talking about how much they cost in Tesco and stuff.
So Greg it's going to be National Square Sausage Day on the 25th of March in Scotland. How are you going to be celebrating?
Probably not eating square sausage because I'll be here. But although you can sometimes get them here like frozen ones.
Get them parking shops. Yeah, see them there.

(34:39):
Do you know how I think square sausage was invented?
Because we Scots have got hundreds of years reputation for being very practical.
Probe them solvers. That thing is being invented for a campaign of selling.
All sorts of weird and wonderful things that have basically made the world a better place.
I think the square sausage was invented by Saul Wei Fisherman who were given sausage sandwiches for their pieces when they were out at sea.

(35:09):
But because of the ships rocking about they found that the sausages kept rolling out of their pieces onto the deck.
So they've gone back to shore and one of the guys has created a square sausage and said here this won't fall out your piece on choppy seas.
That's why we've got square sausage. And his name was fucking Johnny Lauren or something like that.

(35:33):
Johnny Lauren sounds like fucking Hamish guitarist. It raised our life for something.
Hamish Lauren.
You know, I know you're taking a piss but you could be honest something possibly because that's how just spoken about butt raising raiwis and star.
That's why that's how they were invented. It was to give to the Fisherman because they're high in fat content so it gives them energy.
And they don't go stale for about two weeks.

(35:57):
So if you gave them like bread the bread would go stale and you'd be a bit low to bread but because of the high fat content it gave them energy to keep fishing.
You never know you could be on something there. I don't know.
I thought about that. I have to admit that often when you're having a sausage sandwich I think sausage will roll out.
Yeah, squeeze it too and then you've got a squeeze it too tight. You can go out and put it on.

(36:19):
Yeah, maybe he's got a point there but so's.
National South Pylac in the calendar then and see if I can get away. But my mother's coming on Saturday.
I could get her a stick a few packets in her suitcase. Bring them over.
Oh there you go. Yeah, that'd be fine. Yeah, smuggling pork into fucking the Middle East. Yeah, should be fine.
Yeah, I get a phone call Greg, I'm at customs. Yeah, I don't do anything. They just take it off you.

(36:43):
I've had even a football there nowadays. Yeah, but yeah, it's, it's fine.
So there you go. National Square Sausage Day. Let us know listeners how you intend to celebrate on the 25th of March.
And I'm glad that we will give listeners a heads up ahead of that.
So after with that new calendar then and maybe I'll get something I've got to park and shop and see if I can get some.
Get like a hard roll, like a well-fired roll, stick it in. Yeah, better than sauce.

(37:08):
You should have told me not to throw the agents out in a fast place.
I did, but you did not persuade me Nicholas. You did not persuade me.
Two names I never thought I would utter on the culture swallowy, but Morgan Freeman and Jettley
made probably their only ever appearance on the podcast in April on episode 98
as we looked at the 2005 film Unleashed, also known as Danny the Dog.

(37:33):
Where we also discovered that the spar is the best supermarket in the whole of Glasgow.
But in the news on that episode, we met a storm trooper whose blaster caused a little bit of an issue on an Aberdeen train.
You know what I've always felt fascinating about this whole situation he was about, buddy?
Are you basically turned a man into a dog? I saw my son, my son did my muse to say, get me on and off.

(37:59):
And the possibilities are endless.
My next story is from the Scottish sun, Greg, and it's from today at 9 to 8 pro, and the headline is,
"May the farce be with you."
A Star Wars fanatic caused a full-scale firearms red alert when he stepped on the train dressed as a storm trooper.
A panicked passenger called police. Why is everyone calling the police? No, it is for stuff for the certainty.

(38:21):
When they spotted Dan Gillespie's fake blaster which he claims was holster.
He was quizzed by a guard before the train ground to a halt and headed back to Aberdeen.
Dan revealed that he was then met by armed police and was banned from travelling until he got a bag for the toy gun.

(38:44):
He claims he's been told never to get on a train in the £1,000 outfit again and is considering quitting cosplay for good after the scare.
Dan, 50, said, "Crazy world will live out."
The train stopped not long after I got out the station.

(39:06):
A guard came up to chat asking about my blaster.
Then he asked me to go with him for a chat. Apparently someone reported it to the police.
The train went back to Aberdeen. I was met by two fire arm officers, three police Scotland officers, and two British transport police officers.
Dan revealed he was grilled on the train and in the station before he was escorted home by officers.

(39:31):
He added, "I had to chat to them all on the train and then in an office, then they took me home to get a bag for it and then back for another train."
I was asked not to wear the Stormtrooper armour on the train.
Dan from Aberdeen has been a familiar sight in the city for more than a decade, patrolling the streets as the grapian Stormtrooper.
Sometimes he even wears a kilt as part of the outfit and confess that he loves putting smiles on people's faces.

(39:57):
On Saturday he was heading to Deacon, a comic convention at Dundee University.
After the train left, he suddenly became aware that something was wrong.
He obviously sensed the disturbance in the port. He said, "I heard siding from the train along with an announcement, not knowing why we stopped.
I did hear the guards siding of call from my seat, so started suspecting maybe it was me.

(40:19):
I'm sure passenger on the train would have annoyed with me."
Dan said he's often out in a bout wearing his full kit without problems.
He added, "The blaster was holster, so it wasn't even out. Two weeks ago I was a trooper on the buses we knew issue."
A spokesman for British Transport Police said, "Officers received reports of a man with a firearm entering Aberdeen station just before 9 AM on Saturday.

(40:42):
Officers attended along with side colleagues from Police Scotland and it was determined that it was a false alarm.
Scott real confirmed that the train returned to Aberdeen.
So, this poor lad has just been he's dressing up in his cosplay.
I mean, let's just say we've got a friend that dresses up as a Stormtrooper as well,
but I don't think he's ever boarded a train with his blaster out. But Dan says that his blaster was holstered.

(41:05):
If you ever got into trouble when you've been out cosplaying or in fancy dress, I'm transported."
"I have blaster out."
"No, but I mean, I got to agree. I mean, I'm not someone who habitually dresses up, never really have been,
I know that you and your mutual friends used to quite enjoy wearing complimentary costumes at Aberdeen.

(41:26):
I'm not going to say what any of them are apart from the Maverick and Goose ones,
because some of the other ones might get canceled these days. But just like,
"Posh him, Beck, so I'll be okay, yeah, okay, anyway, I'll be okay."
"You know, the other one, not so much, no."
"But yeah, no, I mean, they come not. I'm not someone who dresses up habitually,
but I have to agree with Dan. I mean, that sounds like that's been somebody, they just out of badness.

(41:52):
If I saw somebody who was clearly, even if it was a sort of soldier costume that I didn't recognise
that was a bit sort of science fictiony, and he had some sort of clearly pretend fucking gun.
And it's holster, or otherwise, I wouldn't be like immediately dialing 999,
I did stick him in. So it just feels to me like someone's done that just out of badness,

(42:17):
or it's just some tightly wound fucking near-do-well, you know what I mean, just one of these people was just, you know.
I don't know, I mean, there's a full word down with his blaster, and there's no way that you could think it was a proper fight or really.
Especially since he's wearing a full stormtrooper outfit.
Yeah, like, I dunno, it's maybe, who knows, maybe it's someone that's panicked,
or they thought he's some sort of terrorist, or I dunno, maybe it was someone, you know, from the rebels,

(42:42):
you could've thought that something was on this, maybe it was an e-walk, phone the police.
Like, never know, so don't know. But yeah, put that.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if you know, I feel genuinely sorry for him.
I mean, the police, when they turned up, should have immediately realised that the guy is in fancy dress,
and the blaster is part of these costumes. I mean, you gotta have asked the police,

(43:04):
how much time would that have taken for them to go through all that,
that bang, this scraped fucking take him home, bringing back to the trains? I mean, the fuck's sake?
I mean, somebody could be like driving wild in a forklift, so you know what?
Police are taking up waste of their time, we put 'em down.
That's what I don't understand. I don't get from this.
The fact that they've taken him home and taken him back to the train station,

(43:25):
if the issue is that the gun has to be in a bag, then, you know, it's Aberdeen train station, right?
You go with WH Smiths, and just get a carry-up bag.
Put the gun in the bag, and do as a favour, just don't wear your helmet, like,
on the train, the rest of the armour is fine.
Yeah.
It's up to you, just don't wear your helmet, keep the gun in the bag, you'll be fine.

(43:47):
But to take him home and then obviously have to get a bag from home.
Why, is WH Smiths or is this, um, such a...
It's fucking a shopping centre, yeah, bang.
Shopping for life, from scenes of these or something like that, it's stuck in there.
Yeah, yeah, so I don't know why, you're right, they could've been guys roaming around in front of us.
It does seem a bit ridiculous, but...

(44:08):
Nevermind.
So, it's a crazy world, it's a crazy world.
And he was fine on the buses, because that was...
Yeah, exactly, I was asleep.
The buses are more tolerant than the British transport police.
Yeah, all it flows is stormtrooper, so she didn't move fine.
That's a very niche record there.
I couldn't remember the other...

(44:29):
It's Reg foreigner, Reg foreigner.
Yeah, I can't remember the other guy's name.
And, obviously, Beléky, the conductor.
Oh, Beléky. Oh, Ganker. Oh, Ganker. Oh, Ganker.
It's a very deep cut that's only from the end of a certain age.
I can imagine that Ali will probably be slapping his fly, that one, perhaps Andy as well.

(44:50):
But, him, he won't have a fucking collute we're talking about.
Yeah, I'll be amazed if he does.
I'll be delighted with me, if he does.
Hello.
Hello, love.
All good morning, Maddie.
Maddie runs the best supermarket in all of Glasgow.
Maddie?
This is Danny.
Hello, Danny.
We celebrated our 100th episode in May of 2024, and we decided to revisit a firm,

(45:16):
favorite film of ours, Gregory's Girl, the wonderful tale of awkward young love,
as John Gordonson Claire tries to woo the lovely, lovely, lovely, clear-grogen.
But, in the news on that episode, we had to try and protect our chips.
As we came under attack, from some XL gullies.
So, when you took the ball, Tim?
Really?
Yeah.

(45:37):
You told anyone else about this?
Probably just a phase.
Well, from Mad Cubs, to Mad Burns, this is about, you know, discussed these creatures
before a few times.
It's from the day they record this story, and the headline reads, "Scott's City Home to Hard
Assegles," as locals have named, "XL gullies" Oh, Jesus.

(46:02):
After the XL bullies that I hadn't ever heard about until about six months ago when they started
making headlines in the UK.
Yeah.
So, it'll come as no surprise to regular listeners that were talking about Aberdeen.
It reported the home to the UK's worst seagulls described as "another lever of psychotic."

(46:27):
And out for blood.
The country's most aggressive seagulls dubbed "XL gullies" have been mapped out as they terrorised
residents by stealing food, launching attacks, and even shoplifting.
This follows a report by the Daily Star.
On a giant top-level boss-gull causing chaos.

(46:52):
Causing chaos and Liverpool City Centre.
Reading to an increase in XL gullies stealing people's pasties, horror stories of gulls,
terrorised and towns are all too familiar, but once it ends Scotland is particularly renowned
reports the Daily Star.
One user read that recently asked, "Which town in the UK has the roughest seagulls?"

(47:14):
The question was quickly met with people claiming that Aberdeen was by far the worse,
with routine attacks on people just a normal day-to-day occurrence.
One user wrote, "Aberdeen, it's not even a close competition.
There's a few who regularly help themselves to stuff in shops.
There's a routine attacks on people who are normal, and they are fucking massive and hyper-aggressive."

(47:39):
Plenty of towns have bad gull problems, but Aberdeen is a whole-water level of psychotic bastard burns."
Another degree is adding, "To the vicious buggers next to me get out my car boot, it's car boot,
fucking hell, when I was loading my shopping, and then the others mobbed me when I tried to shut the boot."

(48:02):
I've lived in a number of coastal areas in the UK, but Aberdeen gulls are something else.
Another time then, I moved from the Highlands to Aberdeen, and I thought Highland seagulls were the worst
until my first encounter with an Aberdonian seagull.
They are absolutely ruthless and will go for blood, which is sadly not an exaggeration.

(48:26):
Cumsoles in some coastal towns have been forced to publish survival guides.
I don't deal with the birds.
At the University of Sussex and Brighton, freshers have been handed flyers, warning them that seagulls will rob them.
I weren't ready to use or acknowledge the issue in Brighton after being attacked themselves by gangs of vicious seagulls.

(48:48):
But another touted, St Ives is one of the worst places adding Cornish gulls like Peridactyls,
lived their whole life, and that's an Ives girl got me sweeping over my shoulder and took my scream cone.
One agree, adding, "Yeah, I had one headbutt me."
Fucking seagull give you a malky.

(49:12):
I had one headbutt me and it fucked off with half my pasty.
I'd love to have seen that.
See if I'll come out and just headbutt someone in the neck half a pasty.
Fucking brilliant.
And of course it wasn't long before somebody mentioned the whales.
One piped up, in Rill, seagulls need Asbows.

(49:34):
Well, Van Mudnow seagulls they are absolute psychopaths and will nail your ice creams on the pier.
One row, I saw a guy drop us.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
One row.
I saw a guy drop a seagull with an uppercut.

(49:58):
I saw a guy drop a seagull with an uppercut after it stow these chips in barmouth whales.
What happens?
Like, 15 years old.
I know that doesn't speak much for the roughness of seagulls there.
But it's a fun story that I like to reminisce about.
I mean, well, I've spoken about the seagulls and Aberdeen many times in this podcast.

(50:22):
But, I mean, they do seem big in Aberdeen especially when you see them flying low with their wings right out.
I think fucking Abertrusses is with here.
Yeah, they're huge.
They're absolutely huge in Aberdeen.
Yeah, and you can be quite scary sometimes, you know, just roaming about there, but they're vicious bastards.
Yeah, who they are.
I mean, I know I said before, but I'll never forget when I was up in Aberdeen visiting you guys and walking up Belmont Street

(50:50):
and seeing the Caroba Gardens could be relieved of these much by a seagull.
I never seen anything like it in my fucking life.
I mean, they're some bold.
They just don't give a shit though.
They start part of me, they are.
It's kind of part of that charm in a way, isn't it?
It is.
Yeah, I don't mind them actually.
I quite like them.
Yeah.

(51:11):
Like, as I say, I've told the story as well on the Swally before, like we...
At Betaudry, Aberdeen's football ground, there's a big problem with seagulls.
So, they did employ, I think it was a falcon to skate off the seagulls.
And then until one day, the falcon got hold of a seagull in the middle of the pitch.
It was just fucking destroyed it.

(51:32):
It was like crying kids and stuff.
So, the falcon got swiftly removed.
And we now have a mascot called Sammy the Seagulls.
So, I guess it tripped you to the dead seagulls.
So, another factory for the seagulls, they're not nobody to us.
They were wiped, oh well.
Ah.
After Goldview's smallbind.

(51:54):
Episode 101 was under threat from torture computers.
As we looked at the very, very, very problematic seagull, Gregory's Two Girls from 1999.
Some things are just best left alone.
But in the news, we were outraged at Marx and Spencers for selling shitey bags in their Edinburgh store.
Also, on that episode, we met a legend who got a tattoo of Scotland's favourite granny.

(52:18):
Christ, I can never be a teacher, Greg.
How'd you put up with it?
They in, they out, smelling it, waft and past you along the corridors.
My first story is from the Scottish Sun this week, Greg, and the headline is "Folly Bag".
Marx and Spenser are facing the furious wrath of the Tartan Army after plugging England bags in one of their most famous Scottish stores.

(52:40):
M&S is the official partner of both national sides.
But fans were left gobsmacked after spotting the bags emblazoned with the three lines crest at Edinburgh Waverly Station on Sunday.
The carriers are placed around the check-outs in the busy shop, but there were none displaying the Scotland badge.
Speaking one month before the tournament opener against Germany, Ian Emerson, editor of the famous Tartan Army magazine said,

(53:04):
"It seems a mistake, and I missed opportunity on their part, not to have any Scotland ones in this shop.
Perhaps they never thought we were going to qualify, or maybe they just didn't do their research collectively.
I'm pretty certain that if they stopped the Scotland ones, the sales of them would go through the roof."
These days have changed.
"This is our second qualification in our role."
"If they are planning to get already, I would urge Marx and Spenser to get the Scotland ones in stock."

(53:29):
Pictures of the bags inside Waverly were first shared by an outraged fan on social media.
He wrote,
"Today in M&S, in the main train station, at the capital city of this country, we really do get treated like a fucking joke."
One Scotland fan commented, "It's terrible to remove Waverly station, in Scotland's capital. I'd rather put the products back than get one of those bags."

(53:54):
Another said,
"The SFA have the same sponsor shut with them, so would it be more appropriate if they used our badge?"
An author replied,
"Who cares? Just don't buy them."
"Marx and Spenser have been approached for comment."
So, outrage that Edinburgh, Marx and Spenser have seven bags and his photos are the carrier bag.
It's just a carrier bag, but yeah, it does have the three lines and it does say officials' partner of the England team.

(54:19):
"Better have a mistake, you don't do that, do you?"
Well, Edinburgh, maybe, he's fine, but you don't do that in Scotland.
You can't be getting away with that.
"Fucked it, definitely fucked it."
But I mean, if those fans want to feel better, they should maybe watch that the final documentary on Netflix that I put you onto.
That would cheer them, that would cheer them right up.
"Yeah, I did enjoy that."

(54:41):
90 minutes of really upset England fans talking about the out what a shabbles are ending them.
Yeah, absolutely fucking fault post of them.
It was caranage.
I did feel sorry for some of the people in that documentary.
Like the Italian guy in his daughter obviously, but there was a few, the journalist I think,
that was there with his dad, felt sorry for him as well, and oh god, must have just been absolute fucking caranage.

(55:09):
But yeah, so of course the Euro's kicks off in a few weeks and yeah, selling those bags in Edinburgh, shocking behaviour.
We'll be able to take a game or two in, but we're together in Edinburgh as well, won't we?
Well, when we were in Edinburgh, it's the semi-finals, so we will see one of the semi-finals,

(55:30):
I think on the first night we're there, but then the second one we are at a concert, so we won't see that game.
So we'll have to wait and see about that, but it will still be fun to see.
But yeah, it's just, it's not the dumb thing, and just to say, that is the thing as the fans are saying,
like come on, you're an official partner with Scotland as well.

(55:51):
Why not have bags with the Scotland badge? It could have been a mix-up.
Maybe someone, you know, has been a mix-up, the wrong bags have been delivered,
some staff member has not realised and put them out by mistake, but you know, you can't be doing that.
I mean, because we do have, it is like a bit of fun at Bantaar, but you know, it's also really serious.
Well, it is, yeah, it is.

(56:12):
I can remember what back in, was it 2006, I think, World Cup that Scotland hadn't qualified,
but England had, and then they were drawn in the group with Trinidad and Tobago,
and at that time, Jason Scotland played for Trinidad and Tobago, and you could not get a Trinidad and Tobago top in Scotland for love and money,

(56:33):
because they sold out everywhere, instant, and everyone was getting Scotland in the back.
And, you know, it was just fun, but I remember having, having, so I feel,
we do have a lot of listeners in England, so I'm really sorry about this, like, it's not the thing, but it is just our way.
I have such four memories, the night before I went on my first ever Lads holiday, went to IANAPA with three friends, when I was 17, yeah, 17.

(56:59):
And the night before was England against Argentina in the World Cup.
That means it was 98, 98, 98.
That means it was 98, 98.
Yeah, yeah.
And obviously England lost, yeah, on penalties.
And we watched it only 17, so I don't think we could get into it, but we watched it at my friends and his house, because we were flying from Glasgow airport.

(57:21):
And we went down to Glasgow, we were staying there overnight, and they were getting the flight in the morning.
And we watched the game, and we were hungry, so then we went out to the chipper.
And I can't remember which fission chip shop it was, but we went there, and it was a guy in front of us who looked miserable, and the woman behind the counter said to him,
"Why are you looking so fucking miserable? Cheered up, England, I root the world cup, and burst out laughing."

(57:45):
And then, "Well, we landed in IANAPA the next morning, the first thing we did, found a little market, and we bought four fake Argentina tops, bore them pretty much the whole holiday."
Because that's how fucking petty we are.
I'm sure I've told this story in the suali before, but we're in 2001, I was an Ibiza with a mutual friend, another mutual friend who is sort of a Minecraft YouTube guy now, which I still can't quite believe, because he's a year older than me, and a guy who I'll just name, called Alan McClane, who we didn't know very well, right?

(58:23):
We went to Alan for a very long, and he was a fair bit younger than the rest of us, I think I'd have been like 23, I think Alan was like 19 or something.
In England, we're playing Greece and Scotland, I kind of know Scotland were playing, but they were playing later on, and we were going to watch the England game in the Highlander pub in San Antonio, but they couldn't get it to work.

(58:45):
We were in a Scotland strip, so I said, "Welcome with you, we'll find a pub to watch it." We went to a pub a few doors down, and it's full of England fans watching the game.
If you remember, I said to him, I said this in the word, "What happened?" Just don't react, just don't be a prick, these guys watch it, see their team win, but on holiday.
If you remember, when the game, Greece scored first, reasonably early in the first half. Alan just goes, "Yes!"

(59:14):
He's like, "That's jumping up and down."
We had to leave, we stayed for a few minutes after when the game kicked off again, I was like, "Come on, Alan, we've got to get a fuck out of here."
Was that the one-on-one draw? Was that the one where Beckham scored the free kick in the last one?
Yeah, yeah. I have to say, I have to give it to Beckham. It was a fucking amazing free kick that he scored.

(59:37):
It was, actually, yeah, it was an absolute perler.
It was in the last minute, and that was to send them to the World Cup.
You mentioned Trinidad and Tobago. I can't remember who England were playing, but it was recent.
They can have asked a few years, maybe just before the pandemic, and they were playing some African team, I think, in which one.

(01:00:02):
And they've got this, there was a photograph, and there's a sea of black fans, and then just in the middle of the photograph,
a couple of guys, white guys, we kept some Scotland's upside.
Fuck it.
Really, really made me laugh.
Anybody but England, you know?

(01:00:26):
Yeah, never underestimate our petiness, our mind.
Apologies to all of our English listeners there.
It's just fun and banter. We don't take it seriously, but yeah.
We wish you all the best on what, who are the euros? No, we fucking do.
The phrase on maybe a bit of a tosser, but I don't think it helps people. It makes bits for computers.
And some of these bits hurt people.

(01:00:48):
Well, this one's come up quite a reasonably ironic, since we covered Super Gran a few episodes ago.
But this is from the Daily Record. Recently, Goodwin, you were who played Super Gran past the way at the ripe old age of 94.
But this story...
98, of course.
Yeah, sorry, big of pardon, 98, which is an incredible innings.

(01:01:12):
But this story comes from the Daily Record.
Just today, today, which is the 19th of May, Super Gran Megafan,
but you never knew that something like that existed, gets attacked into the song.
Super Yeah, good.
Super Gran Megafan.
Super Gran Megafan.
Super Gran Megafan.
So Super Gran Megafan gets attacked who of the iconic character Enx on his bum.

(01:01:36):
This is Gregor Sanders, who is the same age as me, 45.
He got the large tattoo of the late actress Goodwin Yur, in her most famous role.
The portrait was completely that fat Buddha tattoos and used Stevenson in North Lanarkshire.
Gregor has long joked about the idea, but this idea to go through with it to raise money for charity,

(01:01:59):
raising almost 1100 pounds for Alzheimer's Scotland.
The accounts assistant had it done last year, but he revealed that this week,
followed in the death of Goodwin, played Super Gran.
Gregor from Motherwell said, "I'm 45 now, I grew up with a theme tune, and everyone knows Super Gran."
So I thought, "Why not?"
I had a conversation with a friend, and I said I'd get Super Gran in my backside,

(01:02:24):
and I actually carried the idea through.
I was fully committed, Alzheimer's Scotland, also sent out a t-shirt for me to wear,
so I wore that on the days, well, as price did send somebody out to make sure he was okay.
Tattoo artist Jason Woow was happy to join in on the fun.
He said, "Gregor has been in before for tattoos. He'd had a bit of a jolt going on with a few of his pals that he was going to get a Super Gran tattoo."

(01:02:50):
They all grew up, known Super Gran, so it felt like an iconic image.
The portrait took five hours, and the result, five hours, and the result might just be Jason's favourite work yet.
He added, "It's only people who are in their 30s that seem to recognise it. I wouldn't even say that. I think people in their 40s and 50s would have."
Definitely.

(01:03:11):
Younger people have thought it's just a portrait of his Gran.
So, "What is he showing younger people his hours?"
"I know. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
So yeah, I'll put the picture up on our socials.
It doesn't show the crack of Gregor's arse, so I think we'll be safe.

(01:03:33):
Just it's a close-up of the tattoo itself.
The day the record also played it safe by not showing Gregor's arse crack.
So yeah, don't need to see that.
So if you were going to get an iconic Scottish character tattooed somewhere in your body, who would you get?
Where would you get it?
An iconic Scottish character.
And where would I get it?

(01:03:55):
You know what? Like almost like a... You know what? Like a pen-up girl tattoo of Maggie Brun on my arm.
That's a great idea.
It's a really good one, yeah.
That is a really good idea. It's just come to me.
And it would be definitely on my arse.
I was going to say, "If you got it on your back, so you couldn't see the tattoo artist's progress,

(01:04:16):
what if they got Maggie and...daffy mixed up?"
I thought you thought you were getting beautiful, glamorous Maggie and you got sort of frumpy, baffony instead.
Well then I've just got a look for that Greg.
Unfortunately then I've just got to have Daphne Brun on my arse for this to my life.
Yeah, I think that would... Yeah, quite fancy that. Like Maggie Brun is like a pen-up girl kind of style.

(01:04:39):
I wonder.
And can't think of anyone else off the top of my head.
What about you? What would you go for?
I don't know. I mean that Maggie Brun once could be difficult to top, I think.
Who would I get?
Because I was thinking...
The photos I sent you a few months ago of Lorraine Kelly.
I feel like I could probably be.

(01:05:00):
I feel like if the ring Kelly saw that artwork on my body should have grounds to take some legal action against me.
I don't think...something tell it. I mean the ring Kelly's obviously the loveliest lady on television.
But I don't think she'd be too impressed with that.
I was going to say, "We're Willie until you sort of inadvertently trumped me with your Maggie Brun idea."

(01:05:22):
So I don't know. But yeah, maybe we're Willie.
So be sure.
We're going to be booking a tattoo. Should you and Ed and Brun were there?
And get some Maggie Brun pen-up tattoos?
Well, I did think about maybe getting a tattoo.
But I think as every time I get a tattoo in a mitt home it's always like the day before I fly.
I don't know if it's because of the cabin pressure or whatever, but it always hurts a bit.

(01:05:43):
Because obviously the cabin pressure has an effect your bloods and how thin your blood is and everything.
It always hurts a bit more.
So yeah, maybe we could do that.
I mean, you know our mutual friend would just be absolutely horrified if you and I got matching Maggie Brun.
Is that pen-up?
Yeah.
Like the sort of pen-up that the American pilots would paint on the front of their B-52s before they flew off to Germany.

(01:06:08):
Yeah.
Exactly. That's exactly my thought.
I'm sure there must be some artwork out there of that or we could pay someone on Fiverr to...
I can maybe draw that.
I can maybe draw it.
Yeah, maybe I could draw it.
I don't think I actually...
Yeah, I don't think I'll get that done.
But it would be a...
I don't know.
I'll think about it.
Yeah. I don't think my wife may be too impressed.
I might have to get...

(01:06:29):
I might have to get them to do Maggie Brun, but as a sort of West Indian.
Varian, Maggie Brun, just to keep my wife happy.
Maggie Brun's been on the sun, but...
Yeah, I need you to black up Maggie and you know...
Okay, I'm leaving out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Probably wise.
I'm a fan of the Tisbeaver.

(01:06:51):
Of course, I've quit in being a Tisbeaver on Badger.
As a fan of Tisbeaver, I think there's enough Harpever.
It's a bit of a no-fool.
2024 saw the release of a new series of Rebus, which is absolutely brilliant.
But in June, on Episode 102, we looked at the original series from 2000,
starring the wonderful John Hanna.

(01:07:13):
But, shock horror, in the news on that episode,
the patron saint of the culture s'wally himself, Sir James Cosmo,
ran into a bit of trouble at the airport,
and had to quickly post something back to himself.
"Farks was the kind of place that must have seemed like a good idea five years ago.
It was lit dimmer than a piltin' phone box, which meant I couldn't see much.
And what I could see...

(01:07:35):
I didn't like."
Well, Cosmo news.
Cosmo is in the daily record.
Cosmo is in the daily record.
I mean, it's quite amazing that we've been doing the podcast now since 2020,
and we talk about Cosmo all the time,
and he's never made the news.
But this week is here.
So, come on from the daily record on the 22nd of May.

(01:07:58):
Scott's actor, James Cosmo, in airport drama after...
I'm gonna struggle to get through this. I'm really sorry.
After trying to board a plane with a pen knife,
the veteran actor always carries a pen knife with him because, quote,
"Because he's an old man."
So, okay.

(01:08:20):
Braveheart, this is the daily records words, not my name.
Braveheart star, James Cosmo faced an airport drama
when he tried to board a plane with his trusty pen knife.
The veteran actor says he always carries a pen knife with him because he's an old man.
Might have to do a bit of whittling or get a stone out of a horse's hoove or something.
Exactly.
But when he was flying home to Scotland from London to attend the daily records

(01:08:43):
pride of Scotland awards, airport staff wouldn't let him board with this small weapon.
The 76 year old from Clydebank said,
"I always carry a pen knife, my pocket, cos I'm an old man,
and since I boy, I've carried a pen knife."
When I got to the airport, I thought, "hang on, I've got a knife in my pocket."
When I got to the gate, I'd be a fuck to be getting through security.

(01:09:05):
Yeah!
When I got to the gate, British Airways staff said I'd have to put my bag in the hold
and I couldn't take it on board.
They wanted to charge me 75 pounds to put it in the hold.
But the wily star got around the band by posting the knife to himself via the Royal Mail.
He said, "I just went to the post office up the road at the airport and posted it back to me.

(01:09:28):
Cosby £370."
[laughs]
James was presenting an award at the Galaxy Bash in Glasgow's Hilton Hotel.
Screen legend James, now this will trouble you.
In a case, Screen legend James, who also starred in Game of Thrones and Train Spotting,
also revealed that he's about to star with none other than Martin Constant

(01:09:53):
in a new series for Amazon called Fear.
And I think we know which one of those actors will have the fear.
[laughs]
Give you a clue.
It's not Cosmo.
They obviously made up now then.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they've made up after.
I'm sure I'm sure Martin Constant's paid his debt to the Cosmo household.

(01:10:14):
Cosmo goes on to say, "My life is chaotic."
[laughs]
James presented an award to Lifetime Achievement winner Elaine Wiley,
who created the Daily Mail Health Initiative for Kids alongside Monarch of the Glen Actor Don Steele.
So this is beyond sweat game, but before the game, I mean, I was just under the impression

(01:10:36):
that everywhere Cosmo went, Castello was there just as a bit of an assistant,
and he wasn't working.
And I thought he just slipped Cosmo 100, and told them to jump in the dream.
[laughs]
I don't want you to keep your nose clean.
I want you to sniff about in the shape like you always do.
Jack Loughlin and Peter Mullin put on an acting masterclass as they betrayed Old Tom Morris

(01:11:00):
and Young Tom Morris in the 2016 golfing film Tom A's Honor,
which we looked at episode 103 of The Culture Swally,
back in June 2024.
But in the news, we met a prisoner who had a very different use for his Kinder Eggs.
I'll be sending money home that just like you did, I will.
You won't fear Father Coney.

(01:11:21):
Working for another man has an all together different matter.
Could you move more's worth?
Hm?
Were you moving, Glenn?
I've gone back Old School Greg.
Let's go back to Old School and have a proper, good, old, swallow story.
So this is from the Fall Kirk Herald this week.
Of course the head, the headlight is contained.
Larbert offender claimed he had a Kinder egg hidden in an intimate place.

(01:11:45):
[laughs]
A drunk offender who told police he had no fear of going into custody
because he had a Kinder egg hidden away up his rear end
has now found himself contained overnight for the next few months.
[laughs]
Mark Thompson, 26, appeared at Fall Kirk Sheriff Court on Thursday,
having admitted threatening behavior and assault at KFC R. Giles Street Glasgow

(01:12:08):
on March 13th, 2022.
At a previous appearance, Proculator Fiscal, Amy Sneddon said,
"It was 120 am and the accused was within KFC in Glasgow, when he became angry with a man.
He slapped him across the face with the back of his hand.
The accused was then escorted from the premises and police officers attended.
He was taken towards the reed of the police van and began to become threatening and abusive towards

(01:12:32):
officers."
Again, why?
Why?
Did people do that?
During his rant, Thompson told an officer he was not concerned about going to prison
because he would get a SIM card in jail and claimed he had a Kinder egg secreted inside his
posterior.
He then told the officer, "I'll bomb your car."

(01:12:53):
[laughs]
At the time, John Mulholland defenseless.
"26, you see."
"26, yeah."
[laughs]
At the time, John Mulholland defenselesser said,
"He accepts this was disgraceful conduct and he only remembers it up to a certain point."
During his previous appearance, it was stated that Thompson, 37, Karen Vue, Larbert,

(01:13:18):
so if you want to go and visit John, he was not prepared to comply with the restriction of liberty order.
"I take it from that you are looking for a custodial sentence," said Sheriff,
"I am LeBack."
Noting from his earlier, Kinder egg comments that Thompson had no fear of going to custody.
[laughs]
She deferred sentence until May 30 for a supplementary criminal justice social work report to clarify

(01:13:42):
Thompson's position regarding a restriction of liberty order.
Then, placed Thompson on a community payback order with a condition he complete 225 hours of
unpaid work within 18 months.
She also placed him on a restriction of liberty order, meaning he must remain home from 7pm
to 7am for the next three months.

(01:14:04):
Noting the time of day he committed his offence, she said,
"I think you could be doing with being contained during the night."
So, I'll get a SIM card in jail, I have a Kinder egg at my bum,
and then saying, "I'll bomb your car."
So, he doesn't say what, if there's anything in the Kinder egg,
or if it's just a Kinder egg that he's got up his bum.
Just for a few days.

(01:14:25):
Because he's keeping secret things, you know, keeping five things.
I'll get a, maybe he's bragging, because he's saying, "I'll get a SIM card in jail."
And maybe saying, "I can fit a Kinder egg at my bum."
I'll get, "I'll be fine in jail.
The matter of stuff I can smuggle up there is fine."
I mean, I'm sure after his time in jail, you'd be able to smuggle probably a fucking Easter egg.
Yeah, exactly.

(01:14:46):
Fabregi.
[laughs]
The old prison wallet.
Yeah, I mean, it's people were weird, right?
So, 26 years old.
When you were 26, you were living in Dubai, at that point?
No, I was still in Aberdeen, I was 27 when I moved to the hospital.
Oh, okay.
So, you were almost living in Dubai.
Good job.

(01:15:07):
And, you know, there's somebody else who is threatening people in KFC in the middle of the night
and telling if this is going to bomb his car.
Yeah.
It's not the done thing, really, is it?
I mean, it's not very smart, is it?
So, I think it's a...
What's said before?
I mean, what is the best case outcome of telling a policeman you're going to bomb his car?

(01:15:30):
Yeah, I mean, thankfully, I've never found myself in a position that I've been in a police van
or been in trouble with the police.
But, if that was ever happened to me, I think I would just be complying, apologizing,
saying I was sorry, probably begging.
I'm not going to be kicking off and saying, "I'm going to bomb your car."
Yeah, I've got a kindereg up my arse.

(01:15:52):
I'll get us in Cardin Jail.
No, definitely not.
I think it's not the correct way to go about things.
No, indeed, silly bastard.
Anyway, well, so he'll be stuck at home.
So, we gave out his address.
So, if anyone wants to go and visit him, you know where he'll be?
And he'll be there between 70, 70, 70, 70, 70, 70, most days for the next three months.

(01:16:15):
That woman you're squiring for the whole town to see?
Do you know the first thing about her, Tommy?
Besides what you had wanting from her?
1990. I found the K-Trix!
Episode 104 came out in July and we discussed the second series of the wonderful TV show,
The Field of Blood.
At that time, Scotland was full of friendship bracelets,
as Taylor Swift took her eras to her to Murrayfield.

(01:16:38):
But one American fan didn't enjoy the Scottish banter at the gig.
You still eating them things?
You should lay off the fish stoppers.
I've never had any complaints.
Really?
Because for someone with an reputation as a lich, I've never actually seen you as a woman.
Well, I chose this one really just so I could do the accent.
As we mentioned in the last episode, a couple of weeks ago,

(01:17:02):
like the news sort of full of, um,
Scotland's European adventure, the Scotland football team that is,
and Taylor Swift being in Murrayfield.
So this is stories about an American Taylor Swift fan who traveled all the way from America to Edinburgh
to watch Taylor in action.
So the headline leads,

(01:17:23):
"Drunk Taylor Swift fans can ruin eras tour" claims US TikToker.
So an American TikToker who initially loved seeing Taylor Swift in Edinburgh
has suggested that drunk fans can ruin the tour.
Stephanie Matto warned people not to go to other gigs and criticise people in the audience who had drunk too much.
The Swift fan has been following the singer across her tour and was left disgruntled after the show in Edinburgh,

(01:17:49):
who reports Edinburgh live, Stephanie said on TikTok.
I just went to the eras tour in Edinburgh, Scotland,
and I don't think you should go there.
I know people online are romanticising the eras tour,
excuse me, saying it's incredible,
and it's the most amazing thing they've ever seen,
but I'm here to burst that bubble.
First of all, do not go to the eras tour if you do not like standing,

(01:18:13):
even if you purchase the seat, odds are you'll be standing the entire evening.
And this show goes for three hours,
but you're gonna be standing for over three hours because the person in front of you is gonna be standing,
and if you want to sit down, you are gonna be able to see.
Another reason you shouldn't go is if you want to hear Taylor Swift sing.
Because yes, you're gonna hear her sing at the show,

(01:18:36):
but you're also going to be hearing 70,000 other people screaming her songs along with her.
It's kind of like a Taylor Swift concert/sing along.
I don't know if it's that he's ever been sick on,
so before...
But yeah, first time.
It's my first time.
It's my first time, especially not in Scotland.
Well, she's sort of like describing all the virtues
of going to see your favourite, like, singing her band life.

(01:18:58):
Yeah.
She then added,
"You're not gonna enjoy yourself with the eras tour
if you're someone who doesn't enjoy alcohol."
I know there's so many people who had drunk way too much.
They were either passed out,
or outside of the arena, or being escorted out.
If you're claustrophobic, germophobic,
and can't stand waning in lines, honestly,
I don't think the eras tour is for the faint heart.

(01:19:21):
Maybe it's okay if somebody's a stay-at-home Swiftie.
So, basically, when you and I used to
were more regular concert goers,
she's just described all the things that we enjoyed about good concerts.
Yeah, well, yeah.
Get singing along, getting smashed,
getting thrown out for crowdsurfing,
getting thrown out for crowdsurfing.

(01:19:42):
You know what I mean?
Fucking ocean colour concerts.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a concert.
I mean, okay, I'm going to a concert this evening.
It's not going to be like that, I would imagine,
because I wouldn't see bands of ass jins.
It's not going to be like a hardcore,
kind of everyone up and jumping around and stuff.
But yeah, that's the whole point of a concert.

(01:20:05):
That's what makes it.
Like, it's the atmosphere, right?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I've been a few concerts recently,
and I'm obviously older now,
so I kind of tend to stand at the back and just observe
and I like to have a good view of the stage and see the band.
But yeah, back in the day when I was younger,

(01:20:26):
I remember seeing like public enemy at the musical in Aberdeen
and being like in the front row and flave a flave,
giving me a high five, and I was just fucking crushed up against the bar here,
but it was fucking amazing.
Yeah, like, that's, yeah, that's how it do.
Whereas nowadays, I would probably just stand at the back and watch from afar.

(01:20:47):
I mean, you mentioned seeing public enemy
reminded me of when we saw the Wu-Tang Clan at Tina Park in 2004.
I mean, we were, I remember as we're being starting off pretty close to the front.
You were about to see your four rows in the front, weren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we sort of got maybe funneled back a little bit as the show went on,
I'll be a bit, maybe, but we're still for the whole thing really close to the stage.

(01:21:12):
You know what I mean, which was cool.
Seeing those guys up front and things.
I remember, I mean, I was just sort of thinking about Stephanie's comments there.
I remember going to see the manic street preachers in the Barrelands
in the kind of mid-90s.
And I can't remember if it, I can't remember if they were touring Gold for the Soul or Holy Bible.
But the Barrelands, like, the ceiling is very low.

(01:21:33):
It's not like a big open-air stadium that money filled, obviously.
It's a fucking dance hall.
And people were going fucking mental.
I mean, it was like humid in the room by the time they had finished just with the sweat of
pogoing and dancing and jumping Manning's fans.
But it was, I remember leaving just, I remember being at it and thinking,

(01:21:56):
"Oh, I don't know how comfortable I am here."
But then sort of coming out into the, sort of, night air after the concert just absolutely buzzing.
And they would have played for like an hour, sort of like a long, sort of three hour tape or swift concert.
I imagine probably played for like an hour, maybe even an hour and a half, I can't quite remember.
Yeah, it was a goal, you know, but...

(01:22:17):
My first ever gig at the Barrelands, I was 15 years old and I went to see White Zombie at the Barrelands.
And that was just fucking carnage.
Fucking imagine.
It was amazing that it was fucking carnage.
It was, oh, it was wonderful.
What a gig.
But yeah, White Zombie.
My first one was so the sight of them at the Barrelands, which was maybe about a year before

(01:22:42):
that Manics concert.
And so you imagine seeing Solar Siala minutes.
And I still really liked them, but I fucking really liked them back then.
So, sort of swaying, is that sort of thing?
Cheering and stuff and then the Manics, when they're sort of going through their first two or three albums worth of stuff.
Like before, everything must go when they became a bit of an authentic.

(01:23:07):
But, I mean, like a great, kind of punky fast stuff and all that.
Yeah, I was like being in a different venue.
It was.
Yeah, can imagine.
It must have been incredible.
Fucking hell.
And we'll be seeing them again in just a week and a bit.
We will.
Yes, we will.
Certainly will be.
A bit more subdued, I think, in broadcast.
I don't know if I'll get through like for a crowd, sorry.

(01:23:30):
Well, I think the Manics, I think I've seen the Manics live more than I've seen any other bands.
I saw them at the Barrelands.
I saw them at Teena Park in 1996.
I saw them at the SEC, at the concert.
You were supposed to come down for it, but then you weren't able to come.
Yeah, herni or something like that, I can't remember.
And then I can't remember.
I think I had a job interview, I think.
Oh, yeah.

(01:23:51):
Probably.
And then, yeah, that's about the fourth time then I've seen them.
Oh, wow.
I'd say the band I've seen most.
Well, I've seen the Manics.
I think I've seen them three times.
This would be the fourth time I've seen them.
The band I've seen the most is probably a super-grasp.
Oh, really?
They're good vibes, super-grasp.
Have they seen them once?
Yeah.
I think I've seen them up by eight times.

(01:24:12):
Like, yeah, just been a couple of gigs and then a couple of random, like they were supporting
someone one gig and then it was, how is it?
V199, I think, or V2000.
I think it was Kula Shake, a romantic play, where they pulled out and then super-grasp stood
in for them and it was like, fuck it.

(01:24:33):
It was better.
Fuck Kula Shake is a lot better.
It's super-grasp.
Oh, good.
Kula Shake were also a good life band back in the day, but they not as enduring as super-grasp.
They were playing Amsterdam in a few weeks and I looked and I was like, oh, I might go and
see Kula Shake around and then I was like, it was like some of like 50 euros a ticket and

(01:24:56):
I'm like, I don't like Kula Shake around much to be that.
Like, fuck that.
Like 50 no.
Where did you get it off on that, charging that?
Like, I'm, I'm, I think in late August, I'm gonna see, or October, I'm gonna see camera
obscura and they were, just like 32 euros a ticket.
I'm like, okay, that's fine.

(01:25:17):
Where did Kula Shake get off?
Fuckin' 50 euros a ticket.
That's obscene.
Broyan.
Well, anyway, that's Stephanie.
Yeah, I am, that accent is, I will admit, it's hurt me throat a little bit, but anyway,

(01:25:38):
I'm gonna be alright.
Why am I telling you this?
The drugs probably.
I mean, yeah, that's it.
Just forget, I say that.
I'm delusional.
I'm so drugged up, I woke up gay.
We waxed lyrical about Johnny Lee Miller's amazing Scottish accent on episode 106 in August.
We looked at the 2006 film The Flying Scotsman following the life of Graeme Obrey as he
tries to break the one hour record on a bike made from parts of a washing machine.

(01:25:59):
But in the news, we met a tourist who traveled to Glasgow and was very disappointed by some
of the finer works of art.
Get one thing straight, Malkey.
I know what I'm doing here.
Maybe it doesn't look like it, but this bike's been built according to the laws of physics.
There's a scientific reason for every single bit of design, and that's all I'm gonna
break the record, with or without you.

(01:26:21):
My first story comes from the Scottish Sun this week, Greg, and the headline is Royal Blunder.
One of Scotland's best love museums, left visitors disappointed after a bizarre mix-up
over its name, a woman known only as Emma M.
Left a three-star review on TripAdvisor following a trip to the Bottle Collection in Glasgow.

(01:26:45):
She made a round trip of over 400 miles from our home in Whitby, Yorkshire to visit what
she had hoped was a museum dedicated to Royal Butler, Paul Burrell and the late Princess Diana.
No, she never, surely not.
The renowned visitors attraction, named after its founders Sir William Burrell and Lady
Constance Burrell, houses a 9,000-piece art collection, spanning the world and renowned

(01:27:11):
after a five-year, 6,68.2-billion refit in 2022.
But the bizarre review showed the haphazard visitors were unaware.
The post said, "Of which you from Yorkshire came because we wanted to see the collection
of letters, clothes, household items, and jewelry, the late Princess Diana gave and left

(01:27:32):
her Butler and rock Paul Burrell."
We're big Diana fans and we were looking forward to an afternoon of Royal Magic.
She must be taking the time.
Just to make others aware, this museum has nothing to do with Lady Di, and it is not Paul

(01:27:58):
Burrell's collection of her items.
It's a lovely venue though, the tea was nice, but they need to clarify that it is not
to see with Paul Burrell, Princess Diana or the Royal family, so others aren't disappointed
like we were.
Mr Burrell, 66, became a footman for Queen Elizabeth II when he was just 18.

(01:28:19):
He then became a Butler for Charles and Diana in 1987 and the late Princess of Wales
described him as her "rock" during the hard times.
It's not the first time that visitors have been left disappointed by Scottish tourist attractions.
We told recently that tourists left a one-star review for Loch Ness complaining that they
failed to spot the monster.
The man, no only as Ron, said, "What a disappointment."

(01:28:42):
We travelled 400 miles from Greenspeit to see the Loch Ness monster and it didn't show up.
Don't go if you're wanting to see it because you'll end up betterly disappointed like
we were.
Meanwhile, a reviewer from Coatbridge Lanarkshire complained about a lack of toilets and shops at
the summit of Ben Nevis.

(01:29:02):
He also hit a bit, he also hit out about snow on top of the mountain, adding, "Won't be
long till someone has an accident."
Hit out.
A bemuse traveller, Henry from Stockholm, said that the top of the hill was just a pile of
rocks and he was left stunned that there wasn't a pub at the summit.

(01:29:23):
He added, "My girlfriend vomited five times on the way up because of exhaustion and fear
of heights.
We lost several hours of our lives climbing this hill for nothing.
No views of anything since the summit is just in constant fog.
The top is literally a pile of rocks and an emergency shelter and there is no pub on
the top."
One visitor to Edinburgh Castle told visitors to avoid the monument, "There is one star

(01:29:46):
of you," said.
"It looks good from outside, but once you're inside, you quickly question your choice of
being there.
I tell you, avoid it."
So that review has to be a piste for the bottle collection.
It has to be.
I was interested that the one achievement that the son left of Paul Bottle's list of achievements
is that he wants to eat a kangaroos, nob on who looks to get him a celebrity, get me

(01:30:09):
over here in 2004.
I knew you were going to say something about him as a celebrity, but I didn't know it was
going to be the kangaroos, nob.
"Do you know on Ben Nevis?"
I was saying not that long ago, maybe like sort of 20 years or so ago, some people found that
piano near the summit of Ben Nevis and it was a bit of a mystery to begin with, but then

(01:30:31):
some people remembered that a sort of strong, a kind of strong man in an attempted feat
of endurance pushed a piano to the top of Ben Nevis, like maybe back, maybe pre-war or something
like that.
Apparently he made it to the top, but as far as they could go with it, and then when the

(01:30:52):
face with the prospect of taking it back down, he was like, "Fuck, I just left it, it
comes in like this."
But yeah, I was thinking, it's sort of a sort of slip-it-out of memory, I think.
Then somebody kind of found local paper or maybe even the national paper or something of
the type, like some information about it.

(01:31:13):
Surely it'd be easier to take it down than it would be taken up.
You've done the hard work.
I mean, just push it down, surely.
Yeah, it's going to be a tune and all that into it, it's a fucking point.
It's exactly, yeah, take longer, take longer to tune it then.
I'm actually getting more gong-freeman round, so apparently can tune a piano in two minutes
and teach a fucking hardest, fuck-asian guy how to do it in two minutes as well.

(01:31:36):
You have to go back to a previous episode of The Culture Svalik, don't you know what
I'm talking about?
Yes.
I can't remember the number of the episode, but that's unleashed.
We did that this year, didn't we?
So it was, yeah, it was actually months ago.
Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, so that is the, the bottle collection.
So that is a warning if anyone was wanting to go to the bottle collection.

(01:31:56):
It's nothing to do with Paul Buttle and Queen of Hearts lady die.
Oh, there is this price, this works of art, you know?
That's all that, so that is.
Yeah, so that is quite boring.
Quite boring, really.
I'm hoping to see like a hanky or a letter that died written to Paul Buttle calling
her, calling him her rock, not the Dwayne Johnson just to make that clear.

(01:32:18):
Let's leave it up.
See, yeah.
Yeah, let's leave it up, pub, the bottle collection, no.
But they did, they serve a lovely cup of tea.
You're in this, I'm mad.
You want to know what mad is?
Try calling me English again.
We were improvising on episode 107 of The Podcast in August as we watched the James McAvoy
film My Son in which a man tries to find his missing son.

(01:32:40):
But in the news, we discussed a Toasty salesman who is offering a very special perk on his
Toasty's.
And the only person he could talk to about it was me because you weren't here.
So I had to deal with our son, beating up set about something that I was really happy about.
I'm really sorry about that.
So we've had a few, over the years, we've had a few stories about Scottish seaside seagulls.

(01:33:04):
Anyway, the last one we had was about the ex-ail gullies of Aberdeen, which quite a disappointed
that it hasn't caught on.
That phrase is quite funny.
But this is one from the Scottish son on the 4th of August, Swoop and Sandwich.
Scots, seaside cafe offers seagull insurance.

(01:33:26):
There's dozens of customers keep having their Toasty stolen by dive bombing birds.
So this is Sam Lang, the proprietor of the cheesy Toast Shack.
If you pay an extra 50p for your sandwich, if a seagull next it, you'll give you a replacement
free of charge.
He reckons the hungry raiders feast on up to 30 of his lunchtime favourites daily by dive

(01:33:50):
bombing diners.
This is his instance in Andrews in 5th.
He said a t-shirt made for his cheesy Toasty Shack.
With a cartoon of a seagull on it with sunglasses on.
I wonder if him and the seagulls are collaborating.
Previously he paid for replacement sandwiches out of his own pocket, but he admitted it is

(01:34:13):
unreal that it's come to this.
The seagulls are insane here.
They're a real pain and it's a big problem.
On a busy day, customers are standing in line for an hour to get a Toasty.
I mean, there's fucking no way I would stand in line to get a Toasty.
You'd be quick to go home and make them on yourself.
And I would.
On a busy day, customers are standing in line for an hour to get a Toasty and every single

(01:34:37):
day seagulls are stealing them.
I used to replace them with no questions asked, but that's costing us too much money now.
Can't afford to do it anymore.
The seagull insurance would give them a better protection and mean they get a new Toasty
straightaway.
Sam has also installed eagle shaped kites and birds of prey sound effects, but they
haven't worked.
He's warned that people have been left with cut fingers after birds have attacked them.

(01:35:00):
It's not a joke anymore.
I'm a big different.
I'm worried that it will keep the customers away.
It's got his sons' reporter, so one of the seagulls spill Rachel Pryor's Can of Iron
Brew while dashing off with her pals Mac and cheese Toasty.
I don't know which of thoughts on a Mac and cheese Toasty.
I've, look, I like Mac and cheese, right?

(01:35:21):
I do, right?
However, when I was at the Toadry in February, that's the first time I've had a Macaroni
pie and it'll be the last time I have a Macaroni pie.
So I think I'm just going to stick with Macaroni and cheese Toasty.
I don't fancy you in a Toasty.
I think the Toasty would have to be that the bread would have to be really, really super
toasted, so it's going to be really soggy really quickly otherwise, isn't it?
I think.
Yeah.
Wartour Pat Dodds, 76, who has worked at the nearby Harbor Cafe for 41 years said that

(01:35:48):
the birds sit in the roof and wait for someone to come out.
They'll take anything they can.
The G-side stall owner, Tony Goth, was gutted when his bacon roll was nabbed after being
left unguarded for just a few seconds and he has to keep sponges and cloths to white bird
shits of the pictures he sells to tourists.

(01:36:08):
Um, he warned.
He warned.
What's the answer?
I've got no idea, but there needs to be action because it's getting pretty horrific.
Um, I think that's the end of the story.
There's lots of pictures and videos with a story.
There's a picture of a mum who just taken a photograph of a seagull, like literally

(01:36:28):
sitting on our daughter's face, taking a hot dog out of her mouth.
Oh, my God.
This is Lucy Stewart.
She said, we had no idea how big a problem this was.
Those of people have gotten in touch since I posted the picture to tell me about their own
seagull encounter.

(01:36:49):
A frightened mum says she's been terrorised by a roly seagull next to her side of her foot
door, which the council won't remove.
I'm sorry, but the picture of this seagull is sitting in some like overgrown grass,
out of this woman's door.
And it's given her this like mad side eye.
Is she taking a picture?

(01:37:11):
Just a classic squawk and utter.
Yeah.
I mean, we have litigated Scotland's, well, not Scotland's, I'm sure it's not just Scotland,
but certainly with an Aberdeen there's like seagulls like Albatross flying around Aberdeen
and they're pretty brazen.
But I have to say it's one thing about living in the living near the sea in Scotland that

(01:37:34):
I don't miss.
To go back to this gentleman, so he's charging 50p extra in shooting on his toast.
How do you prove your toast is been nicked?
You're not just paying 50p and you're getting another free toast, eh?
Well, then can you be asked?
Because then you got to join the queue for another hour.
I think you've spotted perhaps a flaw in his plan, the end of the cake, so I'm sure there

(01:37:55):
were a few people that will...
I mean, I imagine that most people who are visiting the seaside in the Andrews are probably
nice, sort of touristy type people that are coming to visit the home of golf and are above
such dishonesty, but you know, sure they'll be one or two.
But then what sort of shines about the light on?
Because if he's asking for a 50p insurance, then that must be what it costs him to make

(01:38:20):
a toastie, right?
With bread, jeans, fill in whatever.
So then he's not mentioned in the article how much he's selling the toastie for.
I bet.
Yeah, it's expensive.
Go overheads as well.
You, of course, it's a lot of his rent.
He's got to make a living.
He's saying he should just be making free toasties.
No, no, no, of course not.
But, you know, you don't want people to know how much their costs are when they're selling

(01:38:42):
something, you know, because people don't account for the things that you've accounted for,
you know, could you just be like, oh, yeah, fucking footpath charging me.
They for 50 for a toastie when it's only costing you 50p to make it.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, so the cheesy toastie shack, there's a little plug for your man's little restaurant
later in the beaches in Andrews, maybe come by one of these lovely t-shirts.

(01:39:06):
Oh, you can buy his t-shirts or a tote with the sea gold on it.
One is his website, but there's no costs there.
That may have a loot on TripAdvisor, it's always a good sign.
It just says price range, five to seven dollars.
For a toastie?
I don't know.
Yeah.
So, he's probably charging up out, I don't know.

(01:39:26):
Four pound fair.
Yeah, four pound fair.
Maybe.
I think he's struggling with a charge for more than four fifty for a toastie, even in some
Andrews.
Yeah, yeah, what do you think?
Yeah.
Anyway, enough about his pricing strategy for his toastie.
I'm sure you know what he's doing.
I mean, I shouldn't have gone down that rabbit hole there, maybe.

(01:39:50):
Big pussy was a huge topic on episode 109 when we looked at the film, American Cousins,
tell the tale of two New Jersey gangsters who find themselves in Glasgow, staying at an ice
cream and chip shop.
But we went back to prison in the news and discovered a genius way that prisoners are recycling
their cardboard.

(01:40:11):
Oh, this takes me back.
I used to do weekends and mancles piece of place.
That I was hard work.
I know hard.
But the cheese, but the tomato and the oven, two minute job, Ryan Fishner, that's hot.
Well, this one, I think, has to be one of the best, swallow stories that I've seen for

(01:40:33):
a long time.
I've discovered myself, anyway, we had them, we know, we've got stories on the podcast before
that I've demonstrated that no matter what they're in prison for.
So, Scottish lags often have a good sense of humor, like the whole Nicholas Rossi thing,
and then a red one is well about a guy who's some like, happy guy in Inverness who apparently

(01:40:56):
was a rapist and he tried to fake his own death in America and he got, he got, would you call
it extra dated, thank you.
Back to Scotland, and because he was a sort of happy guy, and then the guy, he's on these
floor all like, doing like wolf calls all night because he looked, because he was just
thinking, big a bit of a swampy, you know.

(01:41:16):
And this one's absolutely brilliant.
So this is from the, this is from the Scottish sun on the 4th of September, and the head,
this, the headline is, jail heist, crafty cons Nick prison TV to play Xbox and replace
it with cardboard.
One.
So, crafty cons of Nick to widescreen TV from a prison exercise area and replaced it

(01:41:38):
with a bit of cardboard.
The stunt allowed inmates at Lomas prison just near Bishop Riggs to play Xbox games on
the 42 inch screen for a fortnight before the guards rumbled the rules.
A second missing telly was also later discovered at the Nick in Bishop Riggs near Glasgow.
A source told the Scottish sun.

(01:41:59):
The 42 inch TV is usually well mounted and is in the Cardio exercise zone, but some
coins managed to remove the brackets, grabbed the telly and slotted a piece of cardboard, better
be painted black in its place.
They then transferred the big TV to a cell where they were able to spend a couple of weeks
playing the Xbox.

(01:42:20):
In the end they were rumbled when guards noticed about five prisoners all huddled round
the same screen.
I don't think anybody thought they would get away with it for so long.
After the TV was found staffed and extra checks and me laced another bigger TV.
It also been taken from a different communal area.
This vanishing trick was eventually busted by guards on August 15th.

(01:42:43):
Most prisoners have smaller TVs in their cells, but a widescreen is about double the size
of the normal TVs they have.
A Scottish prison service was confirmed.
Two TVs were reported missing at his majesty's prison Lomas and subsequently traced and
covered by staff.
That's a story.
But yeah, honestly, it really fucking made me chuckle.

(01:43:05):
How did it take them so long to discover that one of them had them in a cell?
It must have taken up the whole wall.
I'm instantly thinking of the sign filled episode where there's a cramer, there's a Kenny
Rogers chicken shop opens across this apartment and the neon light shines in his building.

(01:43:27):
It shines through his people even.
There must have been a massive light coming from this cell of prisoners playing, fucking
bio shock or the first Xbox game they're playing.
I love to know.
Probably Grand Theft or something like that.

(01:43:48):
Just like the engine duty, with the Mimi Laugh.
How did it take that off the wall and smuggled it back to their cells without being spotted?
It's not like you can conceal it like a fucking shiv or something.
Like it's a fucking massive TV.
How the hell did they manage to get away with that?
It's got a big fat prisoner with a stuck up his jump.

(01:44:12):
Like, you know, landscape, you know, to make his shoulders look like that, bro.
Yeah, just maybe laugh, I mean, to replace it with a bit of cardboard.
I'm like, it's like, we need to put something in its place because they'll notice something's
missing.
We don't just get a fucking bit of a cardboard box.
It's like, you can stick it in the bracket.

(01:44:34):
Oh, go ahead.
They'll just think it's a hello fresh channel.
I mean, I presume they don't get a hello fresh delivery's in prison.
You never know.
They've got Xboxes and stuff, so maybe.
Yeah, that's incredible.
What a fucking great story.
Oh, so funny.
So it'd be me think, you know, like the Shawshank redemption, it's like years of, um, Tim thing

(01:44:56):
me, but these little, uh, geology hammers that rock hammer just, like, carefully knocking
out the wall behind the poster and dropping it in the yard and stuff.
These guys are like, fuck this.
Fuck lives, pack a back cardboard in there.
Can I turn the up to set?
Flutton my kai on if I know what you're saying.
Yeah, it'll be a laugh.

(01:45:17):
Maybe from night Jersey and Diana, we're in public relief.
My fattas.
So what do you say?
She's saying that I'm mob stuff.
The Swally's booktacular kicked off in October on episode 110, where we fan-boyed over
Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Keith Barron of Duty Free and Cassandra from Only Fools

(01:45:37):
and Horses.
As we looked at the 1973 horror film, Nothing But The Night, which if you haven't seen
it is fucking mental.
But in the news, we had to call for a cleanup in Glasgow Airport.
After a passenger dropped a towblerone in departures.
All your sexy books.
Yeah.
They're mostly technical.
You like this one, Greg.

(01:45:59):
This is very much a, a Swally centric story, I would say.
So you're taking a drink there.
I'll wait for you to finish, because, all right, okay.
You might, I'm hopeful you're gonna laugh at this.
This is from the Daily Record this week.
In the headline reads, Glasgow Airport cordoned off after a huge poo discovered on
floor.

(01:46:19):
Cordonough.
Scott's airport staff were forced to clean up a massive poo in the departure lounge.
After someone dropped a log in the middle of the floor and kept on walking.
Holiday makers were forced to jump over the offending material that Glasgow Airport, as staff
tried to block it off as captured in a hilarious video.

(01:46:42):
The clip posted on TikTok showed a wet floor sign that was placed over the largest part
of it.
And it was left on the floor, while a smaller chunk sat a few yards away.
The person, recording the video says, "Some dee's just shite!"
As he pans from the smaller piece to the larger piece up it further back.

(01:47:07):
A young man rhymes the corner and has to adjust his footing to avoid stepping in it.
Whilst the man behind him peers at the poo as he gives it a wide berth.
The man filming zooms in for a close-up and says, "Look at that, you should get right
you, it's trussers!"
An airport worker could be heard saying, "I'm dealing with that, they do."

(01:47:28):
As an easel stand was placed over it.
The man keeps it yoating continues.
The wet floor sign was placed over the biggest piece.
Some dees full-on took that straight through their trussers.
Look, there's a cord in through it.
In the 43 second clip he continues to film as passengers pulling cases, narrowly avoid making

(01:47:49):
contact with the excrement, as he says.
"We're getting close here guys."
The video was posted on the AirshurQ account with Glasgow Airport the tag location.
It was captioned, "Some dees been in a rush for the departure gate.
They've had to drop a log in the middle of departure as they kept on walking."

(01:48:11):
The clip was shared with nearly 1000 people and attracted a number of comments with one viewer
joking it would change how they would pass through the departure lines on their next trip.
They said, "So I fly out in holiday in two weeks and I'll now be staying at the floor
and not staying straight ahead, making sure my white trainers stay white."
It's not clear who was responsible for the mess.

(01:48:31):
Or where they were headed to on holiday.
Why is that important?
Glasgow International Airport was approached for comment.
So there you go Greg, somebody has done a shite on the floor in the departure.
They've shot themselves and just let it slip out.
They should have been wearing job-y catches.
And then this wouldn't have happened, but I was so chuffed when I discovered that you

(01:48:52):
hadn't read the story.
Yeah, just insane that someone would do that.
Just have a shit on the floor.
I mean, the fact that someone crashed attempted to crash an exploding car in the Glasgow airport
and things just continued as normal, they call most immediately, 2005 or so, 2007.

(01:49:13):
And someone does a big job in the concourse and it's like an international incident.
It's big news.
Someone dropped a log in the middle of the floor and kept walking, like fucking hell.
Takes balls to do that, surely.
Like, this toilet is everywhere in an airport.
You can't be in that much of a rush.
Yeah, I mean, this is not excuse.
I know you've got to go, but you can always make it to a toilet.

(01:49:35):
This toilet is everywhere in your airport.
Yeah, this is not excuse me.
What sort of a, absolutely disgusting.
I can't imagine ever being, I mean, what were the few stories in this valley over the years
where, I remember, there was one in Benfermalin, the year, the year the past, people complaining
about people shitting in the gardens, remember that?
Like a few, a couple of years ago, and of course, we had a big, a very early one when evidently

(01:49:58):
somebody had somehow got some shit into a freezer in Iceland.
Don't look, yes.
Still one of my favourites, yeah.
But like, yeah.
And it's actually a bit of a, a bit of a nightmare, like, you know, I mean, they'd be in
that, caught that short that you can even make it into the toilet.
Could you possibly imagine, though, I'm sorry, if you're eating or anything, if you need

(01:50:20):
to, you should be listening to this podcast, but I should have warned probably before
I told that story.
Yeah.
All the way on holiday or something, and, okay, it's in departures, so your big luggage is,
um, on the plane, well, get into the plane, but you've got your little carry on case, your
trundling along, and you accidentally roll it through that shite.
Ah, that's, in the, that's not just, you can't just wipe that off the wheels, that's in the

(01:50:43):
mechanism of the wheels, and on the undercarriage bit, you know, never get in the smell of shite
out of that suitcase.
Yeah, just, you can have to burn it.
See, the holiday ruined, isn't it?
Or if you step in it in your shoes, and then you've got to sit on the plane with your shoes
smelling like shite.
I've never, I was thinking a bit about that kind of thing today because for whatever reason,

(01:51:07):
I wanted to, I was thinking about my granny, like my mum's mum, and I was thinking about
the first flat, I remembered her living in when I was a wee boy, which was in this sheet
called Scalpy Place in the Milton and Glasgow.
So that was so busy at work, but I had to be look on Google Sheep View to see if the,
see if the house was still there.

(01:51:27):
And it's all like, the funny thing is, like the road is still there, but they've not down
all the tenements and just sort of landscaped around it.
And I'm sure that probably at some point there was high ambitions for that land, but because
it's the Milton, they're just fucking, just left it, and it's just all sort of slightly
scruffy looking bits of grass and things.

(01:51:48):
And remember, it was just something that happened regularly in the, where it in the early
80s was stepping in shite.
Right, obviously there's been a lot of campaigns to get people to pick up their dog shit and
stuff, you know what I mean?
But like, whenever, I thought, whatever, like, I would arrive at a grandparent's house,
before I got, I could step over the threshold, but we're all told to check our shoes.

(01:52:10):
Check your shoes, check your shoes, for you to come in, in case anybody had accidentally
stepped in shite.
And I'm, I must have just been, I mean, you don't really see shite in the sheets these days
because I think most people are quite responsible when it comes to up in their dogs.
And not that many people just stop and squat and shit in the sheet, even in even in glass
go right.

(01:52:31):
So, but certainly back then it was, like, the sheets, the sheets of glass go were like a fucking
minefield.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess it is.
It's, it's not as common nowadays as stepping shite, which is good.
Yes, it is.
Very good thing, because there is nothing worse.
Yeah.
And just, you can never really get that out, the tread of your, just reeners, just reeners.

(01:52:52):
Just reeners, that depends on the, the tread you've got, but most treads are quite intricate
and like, ah, you just, you're never getting that out.
And then you've got to throw away a brush, because if you, you'll have to use a brush to
get it out.
And there's also the worry, this is the fear me the most is of your cleaning your trainers,
your holding it like under a tap and scrubbing it.

(01:53:14):
What if like, a bit flies up and hitch in the face, you know?
Yeah, like, you look at mass-gone and like some kind of protective fire wear.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking biochemical soup to, to do that.
Yeah.
I think he just need to, I do, well, that's, there's a, a podcast that we've listened to,
and I think presenter regularly tells the story that he'd stepped in dog shit and came
home and he'd stepped in his door mat and he's like, I, I threw away the trainers and the

(01:53:39):
door mat.
Yeah, you're right.
Just by, like, a hundred quits to get a new door mat, because it's just, because it's just,
it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, no one, no one understands just how life altering
stepping and shit can be throwing your best trainers at.
Yeah, thankfully, it sounds like nobody stepped in this, this excrement in the departure lounge

(01:54:02):
at Glasgow, Europe.
So they, they, they'd covered it with an easel and the wet floor sign?
Yes, a wet floor sign.
The largest part, there was still a smaller part left uncovered.
I don't know what happened to that.
It was a fucking massive, yeah.
Sumo wrestler visit in Scotland or something like that, you know what I mean?
I don't want to go into this too much, but I guess I'm, it was me that brought up the
story, but how does someone do that?

(01:54:23):
And how are they then getting on a flight?
Like there must be some residue there.
So I know it was smelly, people smell it in the plane, right?
Yeah, it's going to be, it might have been a sheet.
I don't, we don't know, but yeah, it's going to be stinking a shite.
Sitting under a flight and sitting down for the next, maybe that's why it's important
we wanted to know where they were going.

(01:54:44):
It was just a 45 minute flight or was it a seven hour flight?
Because I mean, okay, you can go to the bathroom and clean up afterwards, but you're still
going to be uncomfortable.
Yeah, the bum hole is going to be itchy.
Yeah, and that's how you that fight, they've sort of aeroplane, uh, ball grow.
So often, not of the highest quality, you know?
I don't know if I've ever done a shite on a plane actually.
I mean, must have.

(01:55:05):
I don't think I have.
Is there a place between, almost flights between Scotland and Dubai?
It's like a seven hour flight.
How often do you shite?
Yeah, but it's time of the flight, isn't it?
They, you know, it's first thing in the morning, we even, it's a Glasgow.
Yeah.
Yeah, you just, like, I, I'm pretty, I would say, get up, have a sip of coffee and then I'm
away.
Are you really?

(01:55:26):
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely, I'm not really doing that.
I'll, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get up, first up a coffee, then I'm straight to the
toilet, then that's me done.
Yeah.
So I'm a bit of a mid-morning man, you know?
Yeah, I see.
You see, my coffee has to go down a little bit before the reaction happens.
Well, there you go, uh, Swally listeners.
Now you know what the Bible habits of veg in my, so if they, another peat bind the curtain

(01:55:49):
there.
If Andrex or Shore and Maynard would like to sponsor us, you can get in touch with us,
cultureswally@gmail.com.
You destroyed my dreams.
I can't feel cold, God.
Samuel Jackson was the star of our 113th episode in November when we looked at the 2024 film
Damaged, which sees him portray a Chicago cop traveling to Edinburgh to investigate a

(01:56:13):
serial killer.
But more worryingly, was there a revenge that one man sought on his boss by putting something
rather special in his beard ointment?
Do you mind if I take a look inside?
You got a warrant?
Not yet.
Well, fuck off.
Then await for my property, officer.

(01:56:33):
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this story, Greg, but I will try my best.
Soon as I saw this headline, I was like, this is perfect.
I'm having that.
This is wonderful.
We'd have our shared new stories before we record.
No.
Had to take a screen grab of the headline and I think my words to you are fuck off.
I'm having this one.
Um, so this is from the daily record this week.

(01:56:56):
On the headline reads, worker boasted he ejaculated in bosses beard balm after rout.
A coveeid vaccination worker gizzed into a bottle of his bosses beard balm, following an
argument a court heard.
Jordan Fitzpatrick made the mistake of boasting about what he had done to another manager

(01:57:20):
a number of days later.
The 25 year old, I mean, you're going to tell people out if you've done that.
The 25 year old told his fellow worker that the complainer who is not being identified
had a bottle of beard oil on his table.
He then confessed, I just done it.
When the, I can't get through that.

(01:57:42):
When the oily gel was inspected, it appeared cloudy with sediment at the bottom and police
were informed.
Livingston Shereen Court.
The contents of the bottle were sent for forensic analysis and filed to include semen containing
DNA which matched that of the 25 year old joker.

(01:58:04):
Fitzpatrick of West Lothian originally claimed he was innocent of any crime, but changed his
plea to guilty on Wednesday the day he was due to stand trial.
He admitted committing a breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner
taking possession of a bottle of beer gel and by means unknown, depositing his semen in

(01:58:27):
the bottle.
He accepted that his intention was that his former manager would use the contaminated
beer gel.
He also admitted making other colleagues at the NHS vaccination centre in Bathgate aware
of his actions between July 1 and July 5, 2021.
So he's been telling everyone that he's done it.

(01:58:47):
I mean, fair play I would as well.
Kevin Duggan, defending, said he would reserve his plea in mitigation until Fitzpatrick returns
to court for sentencing.
Sheriff James Donald called for a criminal justice social work report and an assessment of
Fitzpatrick's suitability for a restriction of liberty order.
He had your case until December 4.

(01:59:07):
For fuck's, I mean, it seems like quite a hectic response.
He's obviously just been a, you know, like a nasty sort of prank to play because they've
had an argument.
I'm like, you know, surely it doesn't have to go to court.
But would you not be upset if somebody jist in your beer club?
Well, of course I would be upset.
But I don't think I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be pushing for prosecution.

(01:59:29):
It seems excessive.
Have you ever jistened anyone's beer bar, Craig?
No, I've never, I've never ejaculated into anything that, you know, that nobody wanted
me to ejaculate into.
Yeah, I can't say I've done the same.
I haven't ejaculated into anything that I wouldn't have.

(01:59:52):
When I lived in Norwich, do you remember my housemates in Norwich?
Yeah, I remember.
I remember one in particular being a bit of a, a, a, a, a, that would be John.
He was an absolute fucking cockwamp.
He used to call me a porridge.
Hmm.
He wasn't a very nice man.
He lived, he was from Coventry, worked in the Pugial Factory and, yeah, he was a bit

(02:00:14):
of a dick.
And the other guy lived with Corkey.
He was okay.
Um, he was in the RAF.
He was a bit odd as well, though.
Like, I felt a bit of an odd man out living in that house.
I remember the one memory I have of Corkey is that he, he had this girl that he was friends
with, that he was desperately trying to, to get with.
But she wasn't interested and she was just strunging him along, basically.

(02:00:36):
And a Canberra Y, that one day I went into his room, I must have been looking for something.
I don't know what.
I was maybe just wanting to go in and have a rummage around, see if any, and spare
change or something.
And he had this notepad, really, this diary.
Well, funnily enough, he had this notepad lying next to his bed and he'd been writing poetry.
And I will never forget this until the day I die.

(02:00:57):
I memorized this poem and I mean my mate Ian had a fucking good laugh about it lots of times.
Like when we drunk, we'd start belting out in a nightclub.
And it went, "The girl I love who doesn't love me, she kisses strangers but won't kiss
me."
And I felt a bit sorry for him after that, but it was a fucking, it was a good poem.

(02:01:19):
Anyway, the day I left, I was coming back to Aberdeen and I knew that John was always up first
and he would boil the kettle and he would make a big flask of tea to take to his work with
him.
And he'd have a cup of tea in the morning as well before he left.
So I was driving back to Aberdeen from Norwich, so I got up at like about 4 a.m.

(02:01:41):
because I was like, "I want to make a good head start" because obviously you know how long
the journey takes.
Yeah, my entire set of things.
All too well.
So I made sure I had a cup of coffee and I'd packed my car the night before and then I was
just getting ready to leave for the show and stuff.
So I emptied the kettle and then I filled it to the brim with my piss and put it back.

(02:02:05):
That was my parting gesture.
Now I don't know if you boil it, does that sterilise it or...
Still going to taste like piss, I would imagine.
Hope you enjoy your tea that day John.
Hot piss instead of the body temperature.
I don't think he put milk in it as well, I was like enchieved.
I've never done that to anybody.

(02:02:26):
It's only time I've ever done it and it was because he deserved it.
Greg, he used to call me a "podid" fucker.
Yeah, that's all.
I think he should.
Maybe you should have just battered him.
He was a big counter.
We see the button get upset when we were staying there because I can only assume it was
her mutual friend after his red bull problem that he had perhaps left the bowl of the toilet

(02:02:52):
somewhat marked and he came down and had a fucking moan about it as a member.
I already had a moan at you about it I think.
That was him.
Yeah, that was him.
Yeah, he was a dick.
So I do not regret.
What I did, Greg?
I do not regret pissing.
In his kettle if he'd had a beard?
I'd have just missed beard.
Fair enough.
I'm just saying, I would have.
I would have.

(02:03:12):
Are you a wolf?
And sheep's clothing, Mr. McGregor.
And that wraps up 2024 from the Culture Swally.
On behalf of Greg and myself, I would like to thank all of you for listening and for all
your support over the years.
And Greg and I look forward to bringing you many new stories from 2025 in the future.
If you want to get in touch with us, visit us on cultureswally.com.

(02:03:34):
You'll find links to all the episodes and you can get in touch with us through there.
You'll find our email address and all of the socials there.
We will be back in two weeks time for our regular episode where we will be looking at the six
part series from 1994 starring Ken Stott and David Tennant taken over the asylum.
But before I leave you, most listeners will know how much Greg and I love a certain Scottish

(02:03:57):
actor.
Of course, Mr. James Cosmo.
Now, we've had an award named after him for a very long time and we call him the patron
saint of the podcast.
And in 2024, he officially did become the patron saint.
So I'm going to leave you with a full clip that I got Greg for his birthday.
I'm going to hand over to Mr. James Cosmo.
Till next time.

(02:04:17):
Hello, Greg.
James Cosmo here.
Patron saint of the Culture Swally.
Swally, Nicky, your pal sends the best for your birthday.
I hope you're having a great time.
Nicky tells me you've got a podcast about Scottish films and that's lovely and you've got an award

(02:04:40):
named after me.
Oh my goodness.
Anyway, I hear you meet the Ned in front of a concert, so that'll be terrific.
It really did make me laugh, Greg.
Nicky says, "Your favourite role of mine was Victor Baden Tag at where you got to hit
Matt Costello around."

(02:05:02):
And then, the Hogg, really, and Christmas parties.
And have I forgiven Martin Compton for what he did to your bathroom door?
Anyway, funnily enough, I've just finished a three-part thing with Martin called the choice.
No, not the choice.
Fear, it's quite.
That choice is another thing I've been doing.

(02:05:24):
But this one is called fear.
It's a three-part thriller.
Really, really good.
I think that's for Amazon.
So I don't know why not be out, but look out for it because it's one of those ones that
you'll be able to watch the three episodes in one night and you really need to.

(02:05:44):
It's really good.
I think it'll be really good.
Anyway, Nicky says it's going to raise a tennis tart and special for me tonight, so thank
you for that.
You have a great birthday, Greg.
All the very best.
Take care.
God bless.
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[MUSIC PLAYING]

(02:06:12):
(upbeat music)
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Episode 117 - Best of the News 2024 (2024)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 117 - Best of the News 2024 (2024)