Episode 141 - Lost At Christmas (2020) - The Culture Swally

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
[Music]

(00:15):
Ho ho ho hello and welcome to the Christmas episode of the Culture Swally, a podcast dedicated
to Scottish News and Christmas pop culture. My name is St Nicky and I'm joined as always by the
man who feels all warm and fuzzy and Christmassy cuddling up to Big Bobo his cellmate. It's Greg. How are you to do?

(00:39):
I'm okay I was actually I was actually at my first Christmas gallery of the year last night.
Oh nice! Our friends, this is a third year in a row, our friends host. They host the
early because a lot of them are teachers from the schools here break up on Friday and a lot of
these guys travel home over Christmas so they always have it that this weekend, this sort of thanks

(01:04):
we're recording this on them. St Andrews Day Eve otherwise, thanksgiving weekend. If you want to
get on, you want to go on an airy kind of out of it. So yeah so we had a quite a nice evening
last night, had my first turkey and pigs and blankets of the year and like I've not really been

(01:24):
doing a lot of drinking lately. You know because I've been playing a lot of paddle, I get right into
the old paddle and also we think a lot tennis as well so obviously alcohol affects your performance
and all different disciplines, doesn't it? There was one performance that if anything it was good
for when I was younger, it's fucking not good for light anymore. But yeah, I never had, I never,

(01:50):
yeah honestly fucking hours when I was in my bed 20s, it's like fucking sting.
But so I only had, should remember there was a whole storyline in EastEnders with Phil Mitchell when he
had Brewer's droop. Anyway, Sonic, carry on. Yeah, I love it, you know, it comes to all of us eventually Phil.

(02:18):
I only had like, I had four bottles, I know it's all about how to drink, so I had four bottles of
ironie and then before the meal and then I did drink them a little bit quickly because I don't know,
I just, you know sometimes you're a beer and it just goes down really well, you know, it was just
the temperature was perfect, it's good chat, it's a good laugh with the guys, they had this stuff.
And then I had two glasses of red wine on my thinner and that was all I had, I came home, you know,

(02:43):
cleaned up the kitchen, read a few pages of my book, went to sleep, woke up this morning feeding
fucking rubbish. Like rubbish, I mean I'm not a hangover for, I don't know, a year maybe since I've
had the hangover, but yeah, yeah, a really, really difficult morning, a really difficult morning.
This morning I've foreshadowed, by the time lunchtime came round I was sort of, I was kind of back to

(03:06):
normal, but yeah, I felt fucking dreadful. Oh well I'm glad you're here with us, that's much appreciated,
but oh that's not so good, maybe you're just not much foot anymore or getting a little bit out of it,
I don't know. I suspect it is that because, you know like sometimes, I've sort of a stage where
if I'm going to be socialising and it's going to be more than maybe two or four other people,

(03:29):
then I kind of need it to be people that I know and like, you know what I mean, I've got my works
Christmas night out on Friday this week and I'm absolutely fucking dreading it, dreading it.
So I just get, you know what we just get, so you get to my set in age and you know like, you know,
I could go to the works night out, I could be doing, you know, I could be doing fucking shots at like

(03:54):
nine o'clock and having a laugh and blah blah blah and then Saturday, you know, even if I'm not
hungover, I'm just going to be fucking knackered and not going to feel like doing anything, a bit of the
phargeic, I'm just waste my day. So yeah, I've not really been, I've been, I've been, one or two beers
maybe if I'm watching a film, but that's, you know what I mean, like literally nothing more than that,

(04:14):
I've got really nice about the list case, well it's that every time I, every time I walk into the
kitchen it's sort of calling to me and I'm like, no, no, I'm going to keep it, we'll keep it, I'll have a nice
job on Christmas Eve or something. So yeah, that's yeah, that's, that's my day. Oh,
very good, very good. I mean, two things that I was back in England, I see back, I was in England

(04:37):
sorry, last weekend for a wedding and went into Pritamone's day and they had pigs in blanket sandwiches
and that is the closest I've come to giving up being a vegetarian. I've, I've, for years and years,
I fucking hated Christmas, but the one thing I loved about Christmas is pigs and blankets. I remember

(05:00):
one year my sister didn't make them and I was like, that's Christmas ruined and she's made them
every year since, but obviously I haven't eaten them for the past like five years and yeah, I
I mean, I wasn't actually tempted, but I was like, that is, that is the thing. If I lived in the UK or if
there was a shop here that sold them and I was in it on a regular basis, I would be fucking tempted

(05:24):
at some point because they just, it looked so fucking good, but I didn't at a cheese and pickle sandwich
instead. It was all fine. It's funny though, you were saying that because I was at a wedding and
that was probably the biggest social event I've been to in terms of completely sober, I've been
for four months, so I've not had anything and it was, it was interesting to view it from that

(05:47):
different perspective and seeing the casualties as the night was going on and on and on. I think it
was one of the groomsmen, his wife, by about eight pm. She was fucking hard and was dancing like,
possessed and yeah, it was just interesting seeing all the casualties. It was fun and I was, I was

(06:07):
sitting here like nine pm at a wedding, drinking a cup of tea and I was fucking bizarre, but yeah,
thoroughly enjoyed it. It was very good. The thing about a wedding, may have not been, I've not been
so a wedding for really, really the long time, like maybe like five or six years and so it's last
that a wedding because like sort of at an age, you know, with everybody's married, you know what I mean?

(06:29):
But I mean, if it's a proper fucking shift, a wedding, you know, because normally, normally someone's
putting a drink in your hand if you're lucky around midday, but could be before that, you know what I mean?
Depending on how close to the whole wedding you are, you know what I mean? If you're one of the
groomsmen, you might have had three or four beers before even getting to the church, you know what I mean?

(06:54):
Oh yeah. Or even a dram, even, but just sort of toast in the groom. I'll be dram before we
head out and stuff, maybe you've really, really got to, got to make sure that you take every opportunity
to eat that comes your way, whether that's a pack, a packet of crisps over the bar or like a bowl of
stovies or whatever it is. If you want to see the, I mean, my wedding, the mistake that we made was,

(07:17):
well, we didn't make the mistake actually, the fucking photographer for whatever reason wanted to devote
some like 90 minutes to photographs between the service which we had in the same venue,
so it was just all in one place. And since the minister came to the hotel and then the reception
started. So by the time, by the time we managed to kind of get ourselves away from the photographer

(07:37):
enjoying the rest of the wedding party, some people were fucking absolutely hammered. It was,
it was like half past three or something in real, after we had an ad, we had an ad, we had an ad,
the new or the speeches or anything and something. I think our mutual friends ex-wife,
that was the thing, she didn't make the meal, did she, he had to put her a bed, I think she did,

(08:02):
because I was sat, no, she was, I was sat with her for a good while, I think she did make the meal,
but then she went to bed. That is the, that was the most animated I've ever seen her, very hammered.
She was good fun, but yeah, had to go to bed, I'm fortunate. There's a few people there, half a few
people were sort of, early casualties, but yeah, I do enjoy a wedding, I have to say. I have to admit,

(08:28):
I felt like, that's the first wedding, I've been due soon, but that wedding in high school,
went to Scots, oh yeah, my whole, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I can help.
Was, yeah, Scots wedding, which would have been back in 2014, so yeah, so I love a year ago, wow.

(08:53):
And so yeah, first wedding, and it was, yeah, it was interesting in terms of, because I knew nobody,
I only knew my girlfriend, that was it, nobody else at the wedding. And we're sat with other people
who, you know, didn't know about chat in a way, and we speak to Sky Row here, and yeah, I felt like
the most boring bastard, because there was glass of champagne on the table, and I was like, oh, do you want
mine? Oh, do you not drink? Oh, it's like, no, no, I'm stuck drinking. Oh, okay. And then of course,

(09:16):
the food comes out, and everyone's getting massive fucking steaks. Yeah. And they put down my
butter not squash with a bit of feta cheese and pesto, and he said, oh, do you have vegetarian? I was
like, yeah, yeah. So I felt like the most boring bastard in the world, but hey, I, an alternative path,
that's all, got to see Rohit just before I left, and I thought, you're going to be feeling that

(09:41):
tomorrow, mate, because he was quite pushed. Never bites. Anyway, so that's it. I've got a wedding to go
to in October next year, because my youngest sister got engaged other week, so she's,
nice. We've got a wedding to go to in October, and then got to the third,
in Newcastle, or Newcastle, as the, as the Jordies call it, and they should know, because it's

(10:06):
where they live. So, but my older, my oldest daughter has decided that she is going to be moving to
Glasgow in the summer. Oh, oh, wow. With a view to go into college in Glasgow. Okay.
College is there. So, so yeah, so it's, it's kind of fucked up for summer holidays, like,

(10:27):
but between the wedding and this big decision that she's made, it's sort of fucking up my summer holiday.
Little bit, to be honest, because now I'm going to have to pay for, because we're going to have to take
her and get her squared away, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then we need the three of us need to fly
back in October for the wedding. She'll have to get the train down from Glasgow for it. So yeah, I'm

(10:49):
quite excited for her, because she'll be a team, but also obviously fucking terrified.
She's going to be all right, but you know, she knows Glasgow, but I think she'll be all right. I think
she'll be, she should be okay. She's, you know, she's, she's, she's fairly, she's reasonably
level-headed when she wants to be. Yeah. No, I'm some sure, fairly street smart and be okay.

(11:11):
That's a big move. Wow. Oh, that's going to be a, just, just, a cool fun for you for next year,
but you can worry about that next year, maybe. Yeah, well, that's, what are you about right now?
Absolutely. It's all good. All good. Oh, fun. Oh, well, then we'll have, uh, definitely a,
a correspondent. Yeah. A co-culture-swali correspondent on the ground.

(11:31):
Wonderful. Should we look at us all the best news? Speaking of which, shall we have a look at what's
been happening in Scotland over the last couple of weeks? Seemless, like, clear. Here the jingle.
Hello, this is the Outdoor Heavard East Broadcasting Corporation. And here is what's been going on

(11:55):
in the news. Thank you very much, Greg. Okay. Uh, what have you seen in the news in Scotland
in the last couple of weeks? You'd love to share with me and our lovely listeners? Well,
this is one of the most bizarre stories that I've seen in quite a while. I mean, there was a story
that was going about a couple of weeks ago, about a girl in Glasgow who faked a pregnancy for like

(12:16):
months, you know, and then she even faked having had the baby and then claimed the baby had died.
That being absolutely bizarre, but this would be, yeah. This lady is, you know, perhaps not is, perhaps not is,
horrible, but still pretty weird. So it comes from the Facebook page, ex-posing Dundee, a

(12:38):
loopy Dundee teacher who was struck off after facing, after faking, a cancer diagnosis,
a wedding, and her own death is still, it's still true to ring children in the north of Scotland.
Varys Simpson taught at a Dundee primary school and attended Dundee University. And she fabricated
the leukemia diagnosis and filled friends and colleagues for two years. On different occasions,

(13:01):
she showed up to the school with crutches, a wheelchair, an oxygen chubber nose, and a prosthetic leg.
Oh my god, this is going to extreme levels. Holy shit. To keep up the insane
rules, she even shaved her head. She then claimed to be undergoing several operations in
two colleagues that she only had six months to live. She told everyone she planned to marry in her

(13:25):
final days and she even bought a dress for a pupil and told us she could be a bridesmaid. In March 2023,
she pretended to be her own auntie so she could inform everyone that she had passed away and she
then moved back to her hometown in Furslow in Cateness. But then she was spotted online doing a park run.
Oh my god.
Fucking hell. Confused former colleagues wondered where her missing leg was.

(13:53):
And how she had come back to life.
She was led employed by the Highland Council. They may have refused to comment.
She started a dance school called "Lass Dance Collective" and taught children at a primary school
in the Furslow area. The school has since taken down any mentions of her class has been held there.

(14:14):
So there is a picture over here with, oh no, it's not. She's got a strap round her knee. I thought
she actually had a prosthetic leg below the knee because the way the light is her shin looks
a lighter shade than the rest of her legs. So she must have put her actual leg into a prosthetic leg.

(14:35):
How, I mean, this is the Nutella ally and then it just goes on and on and on and on. But what the
fuck? Like this is taking it to extreme levels. Like how on earth would you do this? To be caught
doing a fucking park run of all things when you're only supposed to have one leg. That is fucking mental.

(14:58):
And you're supposed to be dead. Well, oh yeah, of course. That's the larger fact, yeah. Resurrected
and our legs grown back. Holy shit. So what is the-
It doesn't explain what her motivations were for doing it.
Okay, it's really weird. I don't know. Maybe it's like you mentioned, maybe it's like a little lie.

(15:19):
Maybe she's like claimed to have leukemia at a day off school or something one day and it's just like
snowballs and she's she's she's come with the conclusion. Well, the only way out of this is to fake my own death.
And move to the torso.
It's fucking bizarre. Just this week I watched that episode of the IT crowd. I don't know if you've

(15:42):
watched the IT crowd. Yeah. The episode where they go to the theatre and it uses the disabled toilet
and they knock on the door. He's like, I'm disabled. And the rest feels out that he gets the
wheelchair meets the cast. Moss is working behind the bar because he used the staff toilet. And I'm like,
that's an example of tell a lie and it goes, you know, it grows legs and you have to act out.

(16:08):
This is what this woman's done. She's told a lie but absolutely mental. This is real extreme in terms
of it. It's more than words. I mean, it's serious, it's like serious commitment. If only our
mutual friend had that level of commitment, maybe look, it caught out so much. I mean, he's never said

(16:29):
it is quite extreme. Well, but maybe I don't know. But yeah, that is that is commitment to the cause.
That is definitely method acting in its finest in terms of that. Jesus Christ. Very, very old.
Anyway, that's my first story this week. Lippe Vara from Bundy or formerly of Bundy,

(16:53):
weight of caveness. Who? What? Who? What was your first story this week? My first story also
involves a fucking loony band pot. And it is from the Scottish Sun this week, Greg. And the headline is,
I don't. A controversial aristocrat has launched a bid to find a new wife but says, "Scott's

(17:14):
needn't apply." Sir Benjamin Slade, 79, says his bride would need to be at least 20 years younger
and is barred anyone under five foot six guardian readers and scots. Sir Benjamin also stipulates
that his new wife must not be a scorpio, use drugs or be an alcoholic. He's also after a good

(17:37):
breeder so he can have a male heir. He said in his, with a 59-year-old woman, I'm not sure she's
going to be up for it to be honest. That is exactly my treaty as well. He said in his post, "Guardian
readers, scorpio, drug users, alcoholics, scots." That's such. You've just summed up a few there in one.
People under five foot six, people from countries beginning with an eye, people who have green

(18:02):
in their flag, and people from countries that don't wear overcoats in the winter need not apply.
Is that what? I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans or Northern Europeans. What I like to
call similar people, I don't think marrying an escap who is for me. Why need is a nice ordinary country
girl who knows and understands things? I'm very social, I go out a lot and I have to have somebody who

(18:25):
fits in. Sir Benjamin who descends from Charles II says she can't come from countries
with an eye that have green in their flag. They must also be able to ballroom dance, play bridge,
and back amin and do crosswords. The candidate must also have been able to do lots of physical
exercise such as fast walking and be able to swim. He said his preferred candidate must also have

(18:48):
a shotgun and driving license. And a helicopter license would be beneficial. She must be able to run
two castles and have a state legal and a countancy training. In return, so for all of this, the new lady
slayed will be paid £50,000 a year plus a bonus and this includes a car, a house, expenses,

(19:11):
foods and holidays. He added, "I could have two sons, three would be better, but if I get two
sons, that saves the situation." What the fuck? He's 79 and he's wanting to have two sons.
You always have to have a lady of the house, women run houses, people think that's sexist,
but Jane Austen said if you have a big house you need a wife. The ladies run the house.

(19:32):
That current social commentator, Jane Austen. He said he would have to marry a lady at least 20
years younger for tax reasons. Death tax is 40%. The only way I can pass the estate of art collection,
etc is to leave it with a wife tax-free who then disposes of it to my distant relatives.

(19:52):
Obviously she has to live for seven years. She would also have to be ensured that's why I
did a lady at least 20 years younger than me. I can't insure an older wife, so the younger the better.
Okay, fair enough Sir Benjamin. Obviously the widow would receive a financial
percentage for passing it on. This is the only way left to get around inheritance tax.

(20:12):
So, there we go. Barney, Sir Benjamin, Scots cannot apply to be his new lady. I mean, I'm sure
the Scottish, all of our women are weeping at being excluded from this man's wish list.
Yeah, I mean, it does mean he sounds like a cunt. I can't be a woman.
It's also quite ironic that the subject of another news story is on the Christmas episode.

(20:39):
There's got the second in sleep, etc in the house.
Oh, yeah.
Cus, it's a big Christmas anthem by those brummy boys.
Certainly is, yeah, right enough. Of course it is.
Yeah, quite a list he has. I mean, he could have just said I'm looking for a young woman,
but it's obviously not just about physicality for him because you know she needs to have a helicopter

(21:01):
license and a shotgun license. Yeah, he's a f*ck sick.
He's such a shirt of a shotgun. He doesn't mention a shirt of a license.
I think it's the way it's written. It does say, oh, yeah, you're right.
He said prefer a candidate must have a shotgun and drive license. So, yeah, don't know.

(21:24):
Mental. I mean, I know he's obviously looking for a new bride. You have a kind of a list in your head
of like, well, you know, I'd be a young girl, maybe, you know, to say that, really, say that there.
Yeah, you know, you do have a list in your head when you're, really, I don't,
I'm sure I've not been on the market for over 20 years. So, it's been a while since I've got

(21:49):
looking for a significant other. No, but you have kind of certain things that you would,
I'm saying nothing, I'm just going to shove. Just thinking of a huge hole there.
Yeah, dig myself out. I might go and see if it doesn't, Sir Benjamin doesn't say it has to be
a woman. I don't think so, maybe I could apply. You're Scottish meat, you're a f*ck.

(22:12):
You're Scottish. You don't have a helicopter license or a shotgun.
So, I think you're at a foreman's room. Oh, well, I'm out, I'm out, unfortunately. Well,
nevermind, Sir Benjamin, best of luck. I hope you find yourself a cracking new bride.
Yeah, I f*cking hope you don't. I hope you fall down the stairs and break your head.
I will be looking to see if there's any update in his, his search and see. I would love to know if

(22:37):
or how many applications he gets, because I guarantee he'll get a few applications.
Yeah, undoubtedly, they'll be, they'll be, they'll be women that will be like,
he can probably put up with him for a while. Yeah, so many.
So many, maybe, maybe five years, most? Like, I'm sure you'd probably have some sort of nasty fall
or something. Probably doesn't look after himself, particularly where. Probably it's a lot of red meat,

(22:59):
drinks, not a brandy, probably even still smokes, you know what I mean, a like sort of thing.
Yeah. It's a safe bet. Put up them for a few years, cash in.
Yeah, there's a picture of him there with his, he's got a gun, and he's shot like a bullet belt.
Like, I've no bullets in it. A band of weir, I think it's called, right?

(23:20):
Okay, I think, and he has, looks like a Jack Russell under his arm.
Right. So, yeah, so I don't know. Yeah, in my mind. I thought he'd be more of a springer spaniel man,
so. Yeah, you would think so, but no, evidently not. He does like the little dogs and he's,
he's, there's a photo of him in his house and he has a cushion, a scatter cushion,

(23:47):
which has a, a West Highland Terrier, waiting an Napoleon jacket. I know like an Napoleon style jacket.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like a tunic. I don't know. It's not much. Yeah. I think it might be a tunic.
Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, he's wearing a Westy with a tunic on, but yeah, he doesn't like Scott,
so I don't know why he's got that Westy cushion, but never mind. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, fucking.

(24:10):
All right, great. What else have you seen this week? Well, obviously the big, big news since the last
time we've accorded was Scotland qualifying, not, not only qualifying for the world of Coppniks
year, but qualifying in the finest of styles. Oh, and again, against Denmark. I was in

(24:31):
Kuwait, so the kickoff was at 10.45 and Denmarker, always, Denmark, I've always put out a pretty decent
team over the years. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought, you know, I thought I'll watch the first five minutes,
five or ten minutes, then I'll put a light out. So I'm in bed. I get it on and obviously we scored
back early, so I'm like, fucking hell, so on. So I end up, I end up watching the whole, the whole game.

(24:58):
And by the, by the last 15 minutes, I've had to get out of bed to watch it. Like, line in bed,
line in bed, line in bed, watching and just in steam, right? You know what I mean? Yeah.
It's felt wrong. Yeah, by the time, by the time, the final whistle blew, it was limbs.
Yeah. It was watching at my phone as well. So I was just, oh, man, absolutely.

(25:20):
Brilliant. I was fantastic. So obviously, the ploughed, many members of the ploughed Tartan army
are, will be traveling over to America next year to watch, to watch the Scots in action. However,
it may not be as easy as you might think because Tartan army foot soldiers heading to the US for

(25:42):
the world cup are going to face social media checks under Donald Trump's strict new visa rules,
which are given border agents more powers, meaning thousands of football fans could be
refused entry to the US next summer. Scotland blazed into the finals last week after their
spine tingling four to win over Denmark and Tuesday night with the group stages draw a set to take

(26:03):
place on December 5th. Fans are already applying online for Estab visas to enter the US, which is
hosting the tournament alongside Mexico and Canada. However, punitive border policies and social
media screening were reinstated this year on President Trump's orders. He is vowed to crack
down on antifa protesters, which could cover a broad range of political opinions that he doesn't agree

(26:28):
with. How it means thousands of football fans could be refused entry to the US after border
agents were given more powers to turn back travelers at the gate. Officials will be able to review
social media activity linked to a traveler's visa application and offensive posts, political content
or even jokes about security or drugs could also cause visa issues under new US moral character

(26:55):
clauses. Jesse Chambers who works for the holiday provider global working travel said,
with Trump's administration reinstating strict-or-entry rules, fans need to treat this world cup as a high
risk travel event, not a holiday you can book at the last minute. Last week it was revealed that
the tartan army shook the earth as they celebrated Scotland's historic world cup qualifier.

(27:19):
The hamden victory over Denmark clinched Scotland's place at the 20-26 world cup for the first time in
28 years and the crowds reaction to the moment Kenyme Klee and Bob Denmark goalkeeper Casper Schmichel
to secure a 4-2 win has been recorded by the British Geological Survey. Officials have now said fans
euphoric outbursts were the equivalent to an extremely small earthquake. A second significant

(27:47):
amount of seismic activity came moments later when the final whistle sounded last Tuesday night.
An official attendance of a 49,587 was recorded at the game. Official BGS readings for recorded
that Glasgow Geothermal Observatory in Denmark about 2km from Hamden Park. Two stories there for

(28:08):
the price of one all related to Scotland's global-easchoolification for world cup. But it's bad, isn't it?
It's like something out of a fucking big brother or fan. So I night-nate four or Fahrenheit four,
five, one sort of society, you know, where if you like, if they can see you rip the con out of

(28:30):
America or American politics or something like the one that you win.
Yeah, I've got a five-year feeling there be a few people getting turned away for something they've
said. I mean it's ridiculous. Like, you're right, it is the thought police coming in to police,
you know, what you're allowed to say or think or you know, you're not allowed to have an opinion.
Ironically, you know, fucking Trump's one of the biggest, well, tweeters, I don't think he does,

(28:55):
does he still tweet or the X or does he just own his platform? Yeah, it's like the social
social truth collective or something that's called, right? So like, I just, yeah, it's mental
that people are going to be naughty, but he go, or get turned away just because of a tweet they've
said. Yeah, I think it has, yeah, a lot of people are now planning to go and will be a weightig with

(29:19):
a baited breath in the draw next week to see where we're going to be. Yeah, I'm going to, I've got to go to
Atlanta for work in February, but I've already got an extra that I, because I got an extra for going to
New York earlier this year. So it lasts for two years. I don't need to apply again.
Well, I wasn't expecting to go to America next year. I only found out the other day that I need to go,

(29:41):
so I thought my American trips were going to be a bit fewer and further between. I thought
that would be going to Hong Kong more, but it seems not. So, yeah, I would do make a lot.
They could be earthquake, a little mini, extremely small earthquake in Glasgow is the fans all
celebrated. I have them. I can quite believe that though, because it was just been absolutely

(30:03):
fucking mental. I mean, I got swept up in the euphoria as well, because I, I was similar. I was kind of like,
I'm going to watch it or not. I don't know. And my girlfriend was like, oh, come on, let's watch it.
And then, yeah, I'm like, Tom and I scored in the fourth minute. It was like great. That's now
fucking 86 minutes. We have to go of, of, back to the wall. And then, yeah, two, one, two, one. And

(30:28):
when they scored it two, two, it was like, well, that's it. There's no way. No way are we going to,
you know, score again. I guess Denmark. And fuck me when Tierney's going in and then, obviously,
Kenny McClane at the end just, ah, absolutely, just that, you know, Tierney's goal went in and you're
like, okay, great, but there's still like six minutes and you're shit in your, like, oh, no, oh, no,

(30:51):
come on. So yeah, when McClane hit that and you're just like, you fucking beauty, that's it.
No, nothing can happen now. We're, we're there. We're there. Yeah. Fucking amazing. And yeah,
I can quite believe. I mean, the next day, like I downloaded the old Scottish football podcasts,
some were listening to them. I came home. I watched the game again. I must have watched that last, like,

(31:16):
injury time about six, seven times, just fucking phenomenal swept up into Euphoria. I was about to
order and you Scotland kit and I thought, you know what? Just calm down. We could fight the US.
I'll be going up, applying for your extra. I will be going nowhere near the US, false trumps in
charge. I'll tell you that. But so yeah, I will be watching from afar, but I'm not sitting food

(31:40):
anywhere near the US whilst he's there. But yeah, just absolute Euphoria. And it was just amazing. And
it's, yeah, like, our mutual friends say, because I knew I was going to England, like, I wonder how
long it'll take before someone mentions the football. And of course, yeah, like three or four people.
Oh, great result. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the thing is, we never England are in action.

(32:05):
Like, this sort of collective Scottish attitude is broadly very fucking negative, right?
Yeah, or a single, but in my experience, their fans are always really gracious when they're talking
about Scotland. You know what, I mean, they're, they're not, they, I know, I know that they're not
sitting there. What should Scotland say? Denmark going, come on, Denmark, fucking get it right. I

(32:30):
can't write it in the least fuckers. You know what I mean? With, excited, exactly what we do.
Regardless of who it is playing, you know, fucking right. And then that's the thing. And it could be
genuine that they are saying, oh, it was a great result. Oh, really, it was gotten to do well. And we
just looking like you condescending fucking prick. You don't really think that. Let the, let the,

(32:55):
let the jocks have a little trip to the World Cup, you know, it's been a long time. It'll be great,
you know? Yeah. I'm going to put fairy liquid in monument, fountain and stuff. And, ah, it'll be a laugh.
But no, which is like fuck off. Yeah, I'm so no. I did, I did like the, the Scottish sun's headline,

(33:15):
the, the following day. And it was Donald Farge, your boozers. Yeah. Yeah. It's very good. I was like,
wonder how long you've been sitting on that one. So I, I like that. But, ah, it's wonderful.
Who be the World Cup, Greg? I know. Well, I've to get a World Cup special in the group. Definitely

(33:36):
well. I mean, it just brings back memory solve the World Cup and Frads think thing to
me the last time we were there. Yeah. Cause I was, I was, I was, I was 19. Was I? Yeah. No, I was,
almost 20. I was in its way. Yeah. And, um, you know, like every game, like regardless of the result,
like I watched, I watched every game Scotland played in the pub. Um, and every fucking time,

(34:01):
it was just a brilliant atmosphere. Even after. I remember I watched the, I watched one in
Kathy Drummond, the camera, which one it was. Maybe the Norway game. And then the next thing I'm on
the fucking castle gate with thousands of people. It's, it's, it's if Scotland had just won the World Cup.
You know what I mean? They, they got to draw with Norway and we're like, yeah,

(34:23):
so they take it to the streets. But that's our wonderful optimism because I was the same. I,
watched all three games in heroes. Oh, yeah. It just opened. I was in 17, but we managed to get in
and get served for the Brazil game and it was like, right, we're going back there for the next

(34:43):
games. Yeah. And, um, yeah, cause we lost the Brazil and draw in Norway. And it's like, well,
we're going to fucking beat Morocco. Of course we'll beat Morocco. So we're going through the next
round. Yes. Fucking, so that's why the celebrations after Norway. Yeah. And then,
you're pumped three now. I know. Fucking bastards. I don't know. I'm, I'm over the
got to draw it at Brazil with not for African tomboyed. Shake me. Oh, no, it's, I, it's poor tomboyed.

(35:09):
I feel sorry for them for that, but never mind. Yeah. What can you do? And, but yeah, it's fantastic.
There will be the World Cup. I'm delighted. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Me too. And later forward to
anyway. That is my second and final story of this week. What have you got for us next?
Well, I'm jumping on your bandwagon. Greg, I've got a story about Scotland's national team

(35:30):
getting to the World Cup. Fucking, yes. Come on. Let's do it. It's from the Scottish sun last week.
And the headline is Tats dedication. Very sullyscentric story. We've had quite a few stories
over the years of fucking Daff days getting tattooed. Well, we have indeed. Well, Ross Baird,
congratulations. You've joined the sullys gallery of tattooed Daff days. Scotland Daffed supermarket

(35:55):
worker has immortalised Scotland Tomony's stunning overhead kick in ink with a tattooed
tribute. Tartar and I may die hard, Ross Baird, 29, couldn't resist getting an inking of his
favourite player after watching Steve Clark's medical man beat Denmark 42 to reach the World Cup.
The dead of two from Meth Hill 5 said, "Believe it or not, I was talking about getting a

(36:17):
Scotland Tomony tattoo and leading up to the Euros, but the idea faded away a bit."
Then I said, "If we qualify for the World Cup, then I'm dead set on getting it."
It was always going to be a Mektomony Scotland tattoo. And when he scored that goal, I thought
that's perfect. He got the tattoo etching on Thursday by artist Liam Cooper at the tattoo

(36:39):
company in Leven 5. Ross forked out £90 for the outline and it will decide later if he wants to
add some colour to the finished article. He added, "I'm still on a high now."
It was an emotional rollercoaster. Ross shared the snap of his Mektomony tattoo on the Tartar
and Army group Facebook page, which boasts 43,000 members. His post quickly racked up more than

(37:02):
800 comments and even inspired someone else to get the inking. One Scotland fangost looks great,
he'd be a great on a t-shirt as well. I'd better than inking it on your fucking skin.
A second wrote, "Touch of Class, Third Row, that's a beauty."
And I fiftently healed it as outstanding. And then the rest of the article is basically about the

(37:25):
game, which we've already covered. So the inking is... Pretty shit now, I look at it properly.
I... Yeah, it's quite bad. Now I'm thinking it's like Mektomony's... Oh dear. Yeah, that's not good.
His ball in his foot are all kind of one. And it's got Mektomony doing the overhead kick, his legs

(37:48):
look at the proportion. And it's got written underneath it. He loves the Tartar and Army. He turned the
English down. So there you go. That's his lovely Mektomony tattoo. Jesus wept. Oh well, never mind.
Yeah, I mean, that's gonna fade. I mean, yes, it was a great goal. But I do think... I wonder if

(38:13):
there's a lot of people that have got like Archie Gamble's goal tattooed on them? Or there must be
some people that do. I mean, I don't know. I mean, Archie Gamble's goal was a great goal, but it wasn't
it wasn't... It didn't have like any acrobatic, didn't it? That's a thing. Just like, no. A wee
balding cannonball, like, beaten fucking four Dutch players putting in the corner of the net.

(38:35):
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've often thought about getting a tattoo, like a Scottish tattoo,
but I wouldn't just want to get a sort of rampant line or something. I'm all tried to think of
something original, but still, like, unbounded, they Scottish. But I've never really been able to
set on anything. The sister asked me to draw a tassel a few years ago that she was going to get

(38:59):
tattooed on her. So I did. But she obviously didn't like it because she's never had a tattooed on.
So maybe I'll get my own tassel tattooed somewhere in my person. I had a guy I knew in Dubai. He had a...
It was actually a really nice sound shit when I described it, but it was actually really quite cool.

(39:23):
It was on his shoulder and it kind of on the front and the back, the way it was, it almost looked like a
tribal kind of tattooed. Right. But when you looked at it properly, it was a rampant lion.
But the way it actually looked pretty good in terms of it wasn't just the fucking red light in

(39:45):
there. It was the blue, like, black blue tattoo, but it actually looked quite cool. But I don't know.
I'm kind of the same. I've often thought about getting a Scotland tattoo, but I don't know what I would
get in terms of your right, like the Fisol or get a wee scottiedog. I do remember you saying that
the barcode that you've got tattooed on your back was like the barcode for a kind of Ibrut.

(40:09):
No. Did you never say that? No. I've definitely never said that. I would never.
I would never. No. I don't think that. There's a program on Netflix that I caught my wife watching
a few months ago. And basically, like, couples or very close friends select tattoos for the other,
but the pair, but you don't see it until it's done. Yeah. I've seen this. This guy, I didn't get the whole

(40:35):
story, so I'm not quite sure what justification was, but anyway, his girlfriend ended up getting a
toilet tattooed. Yeah. She was absolutely devastated. I can't remember the name of that show. It was
inked or something. It was Charlotte Crosby that used to present it. Yeah. And it was on MTV.

(41:00):
I remember watching quite a few episodes of it because it was just fucking car crash TV.
Oh, it was called Just Tattoo of Us. And yeah, it was, yeah, MTV UK, British couples would get
tattoos. It fucking ran for 42 episodes. And I mean, that's a lot of shite tattoos that people will

(41:21):
get. Yeah, but I've seen a few, but I did see that toilet clip surface recently.
But it's just mental. Like, I, you know, as much as I fucking love you and my friend, I would never
fucking go on a show like that. I mean, I fucking agonise they select and are birthday or Christmas gift

(41:44):
for you. So, like, you know what I mean? So, yeah, I don't think I would, I don't think I would be up
to the fucking, I don't think I would even want to be considered for the challenge of picking a tattoo
for you that's, that's going to get done on you that you're not going to see until it's done. You know
what I mean? I mean, the whole point of that show is it's something bad. So, you know, oh, no,

(42:04):
can you pick or isn't it? Or is it? No, that was the one I saw in Netflix. It was supposed to be,
there was supposed to be symbolic. Do you know what I mean? So, if it was like you and your wife
for girlfriend, for example, then, you know, like, it was like a sort of proof of how well you
knew the person and what they liked and what was important to them or if it was like a really close
friend, was like a couple of girls went on who were like BFFFFFFs and and and and and got tattoos for

(42:32):
each other. But yeah, I know it was, it was American, it wasn't, it wasn't okay British, that would
I so, but say, yeah, I bet they're a bit nicer the American. Well, yeah, they didn't always get it right.
I mean, this woman's, she said everything that she didn't like and her friend managed to fucking
basically get a tattoo of all the things that she's hitched to like. So, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's

(42:59):
right. Now I've googled it. I'm seeing some of the some of the ones that that came up on that show.
There was a couple, I don't know if it was a couple, but someone had a, got a, actually, you know,
what, I'm not gonna go down that road, let's just say, yeah, it was a feminine hygiene product,
and oh, that's someone said, that was the one out of them, but it was, they used the barely button for,

(43:23):
oh no, there's one, there's a woman squatting having a shit on that got tattooed and someone's back.
F***. Yeah, that's, yeah, fuck that, that's mental. Yeah, I would never do that, but never mind. So,
this man has, yeah, got Scott McTormany tattooed permanently on his arm and he'll always cherish and

(43:44):
remember that goal and leading us to the World Cup. Yeah, I don't think anybody's gonna forget that goal
in a long, long, long, long time. No, definitely not. Well, that might, right, well, World Cup special coming
up next year, folks. All right, Greg, have you seen anything else this week? Nope, that's all wonderful.

(44:05):
Right, well, before we go on to what we're gonna be talking about today, let's have a little word
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(44:26):
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(44:55):
like Germany, Italy, France, Spain, Bulgaria, so for really traditional quality this Christmas,
take a coach to Tesco. Just tell them a little about it, say it. Little about. Tonsky, highest
standards, no surprises. Oh, okay then, Greg, so I was gonna say it was your choice. We kind of

(45:16):
decided together, Christmas New Year, we often do that, but why do you tell us what we're gonna be
talking about on the podcast today? Well, this is a perpetual challenge of finding a Scottish
Christmasy thing, so we found one from 2020 called Boston Christmas. It stars Kenny Boyle and Natalie

(45:37):
Clark and Sylvester McCoy, San Giu Coley, Groggers, otherwise known as Clea Grogan, Fraser Haines,
Caitlin Blackwood, who, Dr Who fans will know as the young Karen Gillan or Amy Pond, and the lovely
Nicolet McHouen, who's not in it anywhere near enough. And it tells a story of Robin

(46:02):
Jen, two strangers, Unwakie and Love, to put it mildly, who end up stuck in Fort William
at Christmas and they're trying to get back to Glasgow and then doing so end up in what I thought
was going to be a kind of purgatory, which I'm pretty much the better film, you know.
They think they're just at a hotel, they're usually people, but they're actually in purgatory because

(46:27):
they crashed the car and the road and died, but unfortunately that's not what happens. So yeah, I mean,
it'll come as no surprise that I hadn't seen this film before, not likely to see it again,
but you watched it twice. I did, I did, Craig, I did say when we recorded the last episode that

(46:48):
what you're going to do tonight and I say I'm going to go and watch Lost at Christmas from a
girlfriend, so we did. And then I had to watch it again to make my notes because I couldn't quite
believe what I was seeing the first time. Okay, so it's a Christmas romcom set in the Highlands.
It's, yeah, yeah, I'm kind of lost for words as well. It was based on a short film from 2014 called

(47:16):
Perfect Strangers and this film was originally called Perfect Strangers and the short films are
around 25 minutes long. That seems like a decent lens. Yeah, maybe she'd have actually, I know
that it needed to be. And it was kind of the, it's basically the same story, but in 25 minutes.

(47:38):
You do have Kenny Boyle plays Rob, he is in the original, but the character of Jen is played by
Claire Scheeran in that, but she didn't reprise a role. She hasn't acted since, so it went to
Natalie Clarke in this. Now, I thought, you know what, I'm not a big fan of Christmas films,
I'm not a big fan of romantic comedies, but I thought, you know what, it's Scottish and it's got

(47:59):
grog in it, it's got San Giff Coley, it's got Silvestre McCoy, you know, it's going to be okay,
surely it's not going to be that bad. I realised quite quickly how wrong I was. I did laugh once
in the first five minutes and I thought, you know what, it's got a laugh out of me already,
this could be good. I don't think I laughed again. Where's your off? I laughed at the glue vine seller.

(48:22):
Oh yeah. He's doing the German accent and then the guy, Rob goes away and then he's just a thick
glass going, he's hitting you. Oh, right, he ain't. Look at how did I get it for you? How did you end
up in Fort William? But it was, yeah, that was what I laughed at. I think I did laugh later on,
but that was in the second viewing and I was laughing at myself at something I'd written down.
And observation. It's, look, I've thought a little bit over my hatred of Christmas over the years.

(48:54):
I'm up for a miserable Christmas film, but this wasn't quite hitting the mark. I mean, it's, it's,
it's a lot, isn't it? You know, I'll be thinking about it. I didn't watch this until yesterday,
right? And I watched it, I watched it like the afternoon yesterday before I went out for
to the Christmas party and it's been in my mind a lot. And I was thinking to myself, because when I was

(49:14):
watching it, I was thinking, oh, come on, I mean, because I mean, it's, it's kind of cliche after cliche,
after cliche. But I kind of got the feeling that the cast all had a nice time when they were making it,
you know what I mean? And, and I think that does come through a wee bit, especially the kind of
ensemble scenes with like McCoy and Hines and Cooley and Grogan and all those guys, you know, it does

(49:41):
feel like, no, these guys are having a good time. The script is not great, to be honest. And the way
ends it is really weird. It's got a really weird ending, you know what I mean? I quite like the ending.
So, the thing is, I mean, it kind of goes from the film stars and it's sort of like comedy, you know,

(50:01):
like Jen Scarf, but those are way and she's just like an elf and all this sort of stuff. And then
the comedy can continue to the doorstep when she's talking to the wee boy who thinks she's an elf.
And then she realizes that she's been fucked about for years by this guy who's got a secret family
and like, "Oh, I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, you know?" And then there's like great scene with them.

(50:24):
They're just mentioned with the, with the Mild Wine Seller and Rob and all that. That's quite funny.
And then he's turned down when he goes to, you know what I mean? He's fucking devastated. I'm just like,
you know, like, I know that romantic comedies will have these kind of jarring moments, but the way that
it's portrayed here, it sort of goes, it stays quite close to the choppy seize of drama, you know,

(50:49):
like hard drama before, before coming back to the sort of comfortable beat show of like comedy again,
you know? You've just explained really how the two leads come to be together. So as you say,
have Jen, she's arrived in Fort Williams, she goes, "Buy the Scar from a Tudor Shop." Now, 20 quid

(51:10):
and she says, "That's a bit much." "Oh well, I do like it." 20 quid for a Scar from a Tudor Shop.
The fuck are you expecting? Yeah, that's what it's essentially. It's literally called like House of
Scotland or something. The fuck are you expecting to buy for 20 quid from that shop? Just nonsense.
I'm probably the worst CGI I've ever seen with this. Oh, the Scar fly the way? The Scar flying away.

(51:31):
Yeah, probably. It's fucking terrible. So yeah, so she goes round to her, her boyfriends house,
they've been together for five years and in that five years, she only ever visits his holiday home in
Fort Williams. Would that not ring slight alarm bells? If you've been seen somewhere for five years
and she even says we talked about getting married, you only see him as holiday home in Fort Williams.

(51:57):
Now, where's he based? Like, is he going to be based in Glasgow? Like, because that's a bit of a,
I think, "How's he getting away all that time from his wife and kid?" And how the fuck is he
affording a holiday home when these opponents are jobbing musicians? Oh, yeah, Andy's got that,
fancy sportie scar, which is how it is. And his wife's got a mini in the driveway and yeah,

(52:18):
the house is decent enough and that's his holiday home. It's not like a fucking button bin like the
Briewell's. It's a fucking smart as fuck house, but yeah, apparently he's able to afford that,
just being, yeah, as you say, a jobbing musician, but things got in the way. Bizarre.
Instantly, the character of Jane kind of pissed me off a little bit because she's all cheery and

(52:41):
crazy and we don't like that. Then, shouldn't the taxi do in our make-up, adjusting our tits and
gives the driver a, like, "Oh, no, no, no, look, when he's like trying to get an eye fool in the rear
of you mirror." What was in he for that? Then, she tries to pay him in gold fucking coins,
chocolate coins for our laugh. Have you ever tried to pay for a taxi with chocolate coins?

(53:02):
Guarantee it won't end well. And... Tax drivers are not known for their sense of humour,
especially fucking Christmas Eve. And he's definitely drive her and like, "Oh, God, what's
happening in the arse?" But yeah, things obviously don't go well for her, but she just managed to punch
Mike in the face. And then leave him to deal with the fallout of his wife and kid.

(53:28):
Slightly better you're thinking, "Rob, okay, is he an alright guy?" Seems a bit odd,
but he's with his girlfriend and you're right, he proposes and gets turned down. Now,
he proposed to her three years ago and got turned down. If you're doing that and you decide to
propose again, maybe don't do it in a public place because you've been turned down once already,
you think, you know. And also, Nicky looks like she's about 19.

(53:54):
I have here, so Robin Nicky are school sweethearts. Was he her teacher?
He's about 40 and she's about 19, but he does say they were head boy and head girl. And you're like,
at the same year? Because there's no way that the lovely Nicky is the same age as Rob.

(54:16):
I mean, is that why he's wearing all that Aunt Sally makeup to try and look younger?
Because whoever in the makeup artist isn't this film, I hope they never worked again because there is
some shocking makeup in this film. There is a bit, I think it's when we see him the next morning
when he's spent the night in the bar and he's got five, far too much rouge when he's

(54:41):
when he's stupid, when he's stupid, I was like, what I mean, just be it every chat, it's chat, it's
like, make him look sort of flushed because he's been tan and drams with so vessel and recording
and face her hands all night, you know. They, um, so they they end up meeting up at this
Fort William train station, but there's no trains because of the snow. I mean, the rail,
it looks pretty clear to me, but apparently there's too much snow, so they, um, yeah, they they have to

(55:06):
put a boost trying to get to Glasgow and there is a wonderful bit. This is where I wonder and I'll
come back, but I did think at one point, ah, is this is this meant to be a piss-teak because he does
say about, oh, anymore cliches and but the whole film is a cliché as you've said. Let's team up.
Thank you, pardon. Look, we are both going the same place, surely if we pull

(55:35):
the resorces we can get home. Come on, oh, not to be alone at Christmas.
And see what we do, but I have to listen to more cliches like that.
What they've to do, it's the season. I'm a bit of a Christmas nut. Just wait until you get to

(55:56):
do it. Yeah, it definitely is, I mean, the thing is, like, as a film went on, I kind of, I sort of
warmed to Jen, you know what I mean? Um, you know, they get first, it was a bit much and she's a bit
insensitive and all this kind of thing, you know, especially, and that, you know, they clear
groggin. I mean, she must have been, she must have needed the money, right? Because, you know, she,

(56:17):
she sort of turns up 50 minutes in. Does not play the kind of warm, cuddly type of character
that we would associate with grogers, right? No. She's a lesbian whose wife has been killed in a
car crash. Everybody who hates Christmas goes to this fucking hotel, you know, and they don't do

(56:39):
Christmas dinner. Yeah, maybe you should go there next Christmas, like, you go, maybe a shoot.
Sounds good, it's weird. You got to suggest that my colleague goes there because his wife has been
dead for six years. So he goes, he's Paul Frank, who's been, they've been best mates for 60 years.
So they always get together at Christmas. Then you've got the two, you've got the single mum from

(56:59):
England and her son. And then you've got young Amy Poe and her dad. And they've got their own back story.
Like, about how, you know, how they stutter, they'll one break her heart like your daughter and
blah, blah, blah, and, you know, she's always at her mother's for Christmas. And, you know, it's just,
that's just too much back story for everybody here. I don't need, we just, we don't need to know why

(57:20):
these guys are here, you know, they're not big fans of Christmas. That's enough. Yeah, but,
the, because it's just explaining you don't like Christmas, you need to have the back story for
everyone as to why they don't, why, why Jen's able, well, it's robbery, he is able to turn them around
into loving Christmas and celebrating and cooking turkeys and all this jazz. It's, it's, it's,

(57:44):
um, you do make a good point about Grogon because I did wonder that. Like, what should do this?
Like, you can't eat the money or anything because it's such a strange role. I, this is what I laughed
at when I was watching the second time because I paid attention to it. So you do see her sitting in the
bar, but then the first time you're properly introduced to her is when Jen and the teenage girl,

(58:06):
young Amy Pond are in the, the toilet doing the makeup. Yeah. Now, Grogon comes sort of around a
trap too. She's been in there for a while. So, was Grogon having a shout? In, it's really,
comes out, fair play washes our hands. And the next time you see her, she's sat at the bar
with a massive gen, 20 fags and a zippo on the bar. Yeah. Like, I'm sitting with Grogon and having a

(58:32):
chat with her, definitely. And interesting choice in that she's wearing glasses, like, throughout
the whole time she's being miserable. But when she thaws at the end and cooks Christmas dinner for
everyone, she's not wearing our glasses. So does that mean glasses Grogon is bad, but no glasses
Grogon is good because it was a distinct, I think it's like Superman 3 when they, they think

(58:56):
glasses Grogon and no glasses Grogon have had this epic fight at the back of the hotel. Exactly.
Exactly what I'm thinking. And no glasses Grogon is one. And she's coming, cook the turkey, she's
made, you know, Christmas dinner for everyone celebrations. She's going to go off and bang,
Sanjeev Colise character said because she's the only one left. I think everyone else is peered off.

(59:20):
We got some like, Ernie and flank of peered off. Yeah. Back to one of the rooms.
I did wonder that because it's not quite clear because you see them and they're sitting,
drinking whiskey and having a laugh and stuff. And then when one of them, I think it's Ernie
mentions about his wife passing away. My girlfriend was like, oh, I thought they were gay because
it's kind of that way. You do think that. But obviously they're not. That's just two or

(59:44):
pals. It's just two or pals. But yeah, the introductions of the characters are,
it's the same with Sanjeev Colise character have said. It's out of place in the film.
Like it's basically his first line is, come in, don't be shy, your mother, wasn't he?
And then he says, you know, 20 pounds says he gets his whole before midnight.

(01:00:08):
20 quits says he gets his whole before midnight. Well, I'll take that back.
Yeah. 30 quits, did you say? 20. 20. All right. Q you, I did.
You said a little me 50 quits. This to me just screamed. They might have put it as well put
up on screen in text like, hey, everyone, look, we've got Navid from Stull Game in this film. Yeah.

(01:00:32):
Like, you know, don't be shy, your mother, wasn't it? Oh, that's such a thing. Navid would say,
isn't it? That's a Navid thing. Look, we've got Navid. He doesn't have the beard or the hair. But
it's Navid. Look, he's going to say Navid things now. And it just screamed of that to me,
which I was like, oh, come on, it sounds you've called me. We don't need to do that.
But I guess that's what most people will know him for. So maybe it is everybody.

(01:00:54):
Everybody would know him for. Yeah. Because I remember it did that sitcom with them. It was about
sort of Asian guys in Glasgow. That guy, he was a turban. And he's just got myself in some hot
water for sexual assault. That's what his name is. What it says, hard deep sing. Yes. Yeah. And
there was another guy. I remember watching an episode of two of those channel four. I think it was

(01:01:18):
quite funny. They were quite good together with the three of them, you know. But yeah, I mean,
you know, it's really going to be like an Asian hotel owner in the Highlands. Not sure.
Safe. Not the most diverse communities of the area. Anyway, the way they end up at this hotel is

(01:01:38):
they've got no transport. So they call a taxi and they just get laughed at because they try to get
a taxi to Glasgow. Now she does say someone about this will cost a fortune. So it's Christmas Eve.
I'm sure we can haggle. Yeah. We're trying to get fucking taxi on Christmas. I don't think you can
haggle. That's not how it works, love. Anyway, they decide to steal the car of her now ex boyfriend.

(01:02:01):
But why does she take the fucking sports car? I don't know. Is it meant to be a Jag or is it?
It is. I forgot to look up the brand name of the car. It's a marker in the back. I think it looks
like an old Jag, FH Jag or something. Yeah. That's instantly. I thought it's a Jag. There's a
fucking mini Cooper sat in the driver. Why don't they take that? That would... I think I should

(01:02:24):
find the key for the... Yeah, it's key. But I mean, it had to be how nobody heard the fucking
noisiest car in the Highlands pulling out of the drive, you know what I mean. And like,
instantly you're going to report that stolen. The police are going to know when they eventually stop it.
Anyway, they continue driving. And I did think that like the weather on this film is all over the

(01:02:45):
place because they're saying like, oh, the roads are getting bad and stuff. And there's these big
sweeping shots. The roads are clear. The roads are completely clear. But yet they get stuck. And it
looks like they've gone off road when they get stuck of where they are. They're not on the fucking
road anymore. Definitely going off road. Yeah. And yeah, end up trekking towards this hotel.
That's how they end up at this hotel full of misfits who hate Christmas. Yeah. It's such a,

(01:03:10):
they're just so many weird elements. So, Nicky has bought Kenny this really thoughtful
gift because this Gessie likes composition. She's wanting to get lost and all this kind of thing. And then
but she's not fancy him anymore. She's not in love with him anymore. You know what I mean?
No, I love for them. Yeah. Yeah. She loves him. She's not in love with him. Yeah, which basically means

(01:03:32):
she's not fancy him anymore. That's just another thing. Yeah. And then like, so there's a band that
come and play at the hotel who obviously do the songs. There's a song that's that plays at the
beginning of the film. Now, the first line of the song is, you notice this, it's Christmas. And all

(01:03:52):
your heroes are dead. I did not notice that. Well, it's the first line of the song that plays. I think
it's when Jen is kind of going around the town centre and getting a taxi and this kind of thing.
It's Christmas and all your heroes are dead. Merry Christmas. I'm writing the mood for a romantic
comedy in the Highlands now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well up for it. So that's weird. And then obviously,

(01:04:18):
Jen and Rob overcome there, sort of odd couple differences. And she, you know, she has to go,
she feels bad because of she's been a bit out of order with groggers, bit insensitive with
groggers recently widowed. So she goes for a walk in the woods and Rob finds out, oh no,
got to go as she's alright. Yeah. Go, go, go, go to the find her. We have a moment. And then they have

(01:04:42):
the most awkward kiss where Jen, Jen looks, she looks like she, her face looks like it's the face of
somebody who's being kissed against their will. Yeah. I screwed up with the tight lips like, you know,
fending, perched. I was just, you know, I just think, I think if you feel like there's, there's maybe

(01:05:03):
like a pretty decent film here with a bear script, you know what I mean? Like a bit, a bit, a bit
work-ohesion, you know? There's too many things that aren't, that don't make sense. You're right.
In terms of the, you're right about the kiss is the most awkward kiss. Like it's like he's kissing
his auntie as well. Like it just, it looks and you're right. She looks like it's the most horrific thing

(01:05:25):
and she's against her will. Now, they end up at the hotel. They make it very clear. Rob's not
interested at all because he's being a complete fanay about these sleeping arrangements. Yeah.
Because there's only one room left and he's like, I'll just keep down at reception because it's a
double, well, just, and she's like, it's fine. We'll top in tail or we'll do something. Yeah.

(01:05:46):
Fuck off. Just carrying the fucking bed. Like you don't have to do anything but just don't be a,
a dick about this because he's, he's been a total fanay. Yeah. I mean, you, but then, you, I mean,
you, you, you just make the best of it, right? Of course you would. And then he's like, I'll sleep in
the chair. Then, Jen goes in showers and when she comes out, Rob is like, it's like, it's like he's

(01:06:06):
trying to look at anything but her in a towel. Like it's like, for fuck off, man. Just, you know,
she's a, a attractive female. She's gonna just have a look. It's fine. You know, it's gonna happen.
But what gets it for me is they go down at the bar, they're having a drink and they're speaking
about, because Jen's got her guitar with her. And she says about, oh, yeah, we'll come back to that,

(01:06:29):
don't you worry. She says about how, you know, music and stuff. And he says, I'd love to hear you play
sometime. No man has ever said that to a woman unless he's trying to fire into her. No man, ever,
ever. No one wants to hear you play your fucking guitar. No one unless you're trying to get something.

(01:06:53):
So it's obvious that he wants to then a couple of minutes later when the band start playing a
Christmas song. Jen wants to get up and dance. He's, oh, of course, that'll dance. No man has ever said
that unless he's trying to fire into you. So it's the prosecution rests. Rob actively wants Jen

(01:07:15):
because he's doing these things, but then he sleeps in the bar. Why? Because they're about to have
things, but Nicky calls them. Oh, yeah. They do have, they'll be kissed, don't they? And then her face
pops up and he's phone and he's all confused. Oh, no, and his heart rate comes back. Well, no,
they're about to kiss on the dance floor, but then he sees Nicky's face in Jen's face. Oh, yeah.

(01:07:38):
So, so then add this to the list of things that don't make sense. He does say a few minutes before
that when they're trying to get to tell, he says something like, what a time to give up smoking.
So when he runs off, then we see him outside and he's trying to light a bag. This man is never
smoked in his life. Never smoked at his life. So we're smoking. I've ever seen on screen. And he's

(01:08:01):
like, it's disgusting. And he's the fusty, bag police, right? So it's been an avending machine in this
hotel. Fuck off. Like, I don't care that that, that venue machine's not going to still be there.
The tobacco company will have taken it back. They know it's there. But he's, where did he get the
coins to buy the fags? The machine's not going to be plugged in. Nevertheless, he has a cigarette,

(01:08:22):
but it's disgusting. You get the impression he's only stopped smoking very recently. That fat,
that fat is going to taste like fucking nectar. Oh, damn, right? It's been a very long time since I've
smoked a cigarette. I'd probably the same for yourself. Yeah. If we have a cigarette now, it is
going to taste disgusting, but also you're going to be kind of enjoying it. But he's like, it's,

(01:08:43):
it's the worst thing ever. But the way he's smoking it, that man is never smoked a cigarette in his life.
Smoking is so weird. This is it. This tastes absolutely rank. And I love it so much.
Weird. Have it. It reminds me of the girls you would see at school, 15 pretending to smoke because

(01:09:09):
it was hard and not like, ah, thinking that was shallow, that was shallow draws. Yeah, but he's,
yeah, it was the worst, you know, and I, funnily enough, it's not the worst thing about the film,
but his smoking is so bad. But I just couldn't understand the, you know, him being so against even
sharing a bed. But yeah, he's happy if he'd ever played a guitar in dance. And also, right, let's

(01:09:32):
have it right. Jen is an attractive woman. Yes. A attractive woman, right? You're a single guy,
even if you're just only being single for a few hours. An attractive woman says, look, you know,
I mean, it's, it's be honest. If a woman says, come on, we're both adults. We can share a bed,
you know, it's not going to take any persuasion whatsoever, you know what I mean. You'd have

(01:09:56):
a, I'd have the doofy up to my chin before she'd finished the sentence, you know what I mean?
Close neatly folded doofy up to my chin. That's, that's the game. Thanks very much. It's okay. We'll stick
to our sides. It's fine. Oh, it's cold. Maybe we should cuddle to warm up a bit. We should buy a bit
closer to each other just to be a bit, just, just until we warm up a bit. When they're outside in

(01:10:20):
these pretending smoke is when he delivers his, his Oscar speech. This is what he was anticipating.
They would show it the Academy Awards. Hey, everything all we find is Christmas.
You stop that, please. What? All of that childish Christmas on Make Everything Better stuff.
It's not some magical event where all the wrongs are righted. Roll up, roll up, one day only.

(01:10:49):
This shit doesn't stick. You can't, you can't just put a pen and fill in and leave them to
blocks and think, "That's, it's not I feelin' spark." About Christmas and how it's rubbish and how
Santa is an arsehole because he doesn't care about hunger and war, right? And that's this thing and

(01:11:10):
off-gen storms and stuff. Then cuts the next morning. He slept at the bar. Why do you sleep at the bar?
There's all the benches and stuff. If he's wanting to make a sort of protest and not sleep in
the room, why do you sleep on one of the boots rather than sleeping on the fucking bar? I thought he'd
be in the drums at the bar with the old boys. Well, he's sitting himself or he's just falling

(01:11:32):
asleep, pitched. But Jen comes down and okay, they're stuck there for the day. But she wants to make
the best of Christmas. No one else is really that keen and then she has a go at Grogon,
Grogon basically tells her it shut the fuck up and Jen goes off up saying, "Then Rob has a go at
everyone in the bar." Now he hasn't said a word through all this. The last thing he has said to

(01:11:56):
her is about how Christmas is shite the night before. He has a go at the entire bar basically telling
them that they've ruined her Christmas. Happy like, piss off me? Like, he says shame on you. Shame on us.
Just because you can't control your fucking brass and she's upset about Christmas. Why are you

(01:12:17):
having a go at us? Why are you having a go at us? Like, this is fuck all to do with us. We've come
here to escape. You've just heard Naveed say that we are, we escape for Christmas and it is Naveed. Look,
we've got Naveed from still game everyone. It's, we've come here to escape. We don't want the shite.
We come here every year. You two, no, fuck off. This is not going to do with me. I want my sullen

(01:12:43):
skank. Wait till we'll come back to that because I don't understand that joke at all. And yeah, fuck off.
No, piss off. So why are you having a go at me? But yet when they come back, the place is all decorated,
Grogon's cooked a turkey. I come out to know where. And I tell you something, I would not be
fucking trying that turkey. You fucking sound like an elephant Christmas. Say it, a turkey was never
cooked quicker. You know what I mean? The size of it, it was like a fucking, it was the same size as the

(01:13:06):
fucking many that they never stole. And she's supposed to believe that Grogon's whipped up like,
to see like the portions and the fucking bowls of like brussels sprouts and carrots. Yeah,
fucking, fucking three kilos in each fucking bowl. I think when the fuck, how the fuck is she throwing
all that together? When last night they'd ran out of food, you know what I mean? Oh, we've got

(01:13:28):
the steak pie. I've never got any fish chops finished. We've only got a colon skin. You know, now we've got
fucking evidently a full Christmas offer. I can only think it's because she took her glasses off.
That somehow has made it. I don't know. Where had you're right? There's no food. Now I didn't know if
that was just because the chef had walked out, so Navid, I stopped calling him Navid, said, wasn't able,

(01:13:53):
he couldn't cook, so that's why and all he could do was colon skin. Now the colon skinquanel fish and
Jen says, so we're having Salon Skank. Then later on she also repeats Salon Skank. Can you explain
that joke to me because I don't get it? I thought, oh, I mean a skank is usually had the
rogatory term for a bit of a loose woman, right? I just didn't understand. Because you know,

(01:14:19):
colon skinquanel hasn't touched fish. Oh, so we're having Salon Skank. And then it's obviously meant
to be hilarious because she repeats it again, but it went over my head. Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm a schedule mate. So yeah, no, I don't know where all the food came from. Maybe
Groggers has gone in time to the Ghost of Christmas presents. Benjamin or something.

(01:14:40):
But yeah, and then when she gets up with the guitar, I mean the thing is right.
She says, she gives a wee speech to say this in thanks everybody. You know, I really appreciate it.
This one of the best Christmas's I've ever had. You guys have really made it happen. In return,

(01:15:01):
I'm going to sing and play for you. I'd be like, no, no, it's fine. The pleasure's yours. You sit
having a little glass away in there. You don't have to give us anything because if she got up
and started singing, then it fair enough, right? And I don't think that was that was that
lick heart playing. And I don't think that was her singing either. I'm quite honest. We don't see

(01:15:21):
her hands. Well, she just kind of makes a G chord at the beginning before she starts playing. And then,
you know, anyway, I mean, I would have had to add a go on and sat in a toilet until I,
until I was sure she was finished. I don't know. I'd be absolutely fucking, I'd be squirming if I was
getting like a, there she was singing to me. No, we, we, we, you know, sang along to her song, which

(01:15:45):
sounds remarkably like no surprises by radio, which is not a Christmas song. The chorus sounds exactly
the same. Well, do you know, I actually skipped through it this song. Oh, I listen to the first,
listen to the first 30 seconds and then I did the plus 10 seconds, a couple of times, that was finished.
Right. We'll be having a production meeting about this. I'm just trying to sit through that fucking song

(01:16:06):
twice. I'm not happy about that. Now, I got when she gets up to sing and she gives her speech about
great Christmas, best Christmas ever and meeting people that care. I got Rocky four of Ives.
If I could change, you could change. Maybe we could all change. That's what I got. And I was like, yes,

(01:16:28):
come on. But no, then she sings a song, which, um, yeah, what were you thinking? Were you thinking that
harring groggers would take their jumpers off and have like a fight in the day? Yes, a beer, a beer
and a whole fight in the day. I did. Yes. That's what I was looking for. That would be great.
Now that would have been a good ending. Um, instead we get the kiss and this is where I thought,

(01:16:56):
ah, this whole film's a piss take because we have the strangest sex scene I think I've ever seen in
that they are in bed in the underwear, but they're kind of like laughing and then drinking whiskey.
And then they're sitting there in her bra and his pants and she looks, she doesn't look very happy

(01:17:18):
quite a lot of the same. No, no, they look like they're having a bit of an upset and then they're
cuddling and then he goes to take her bra and I'm like, has all this prior, you've been in bed
in doing all this? You haven't actually had sex yet. And now you're about to, but it's the strangest
thing. I genuinely thought maybe it was a parody and it was like the sex scene, not the sex scene in

(01:17:43):
team America, world police because that's quite graphic, but with the blue light, it gave me top
gun vibes, but very much not. And I genuinely wonder if this whole film was a piss take and a pasty
shoe of something. I mean, because it's just bizarre. In Kenny Boyle in these books and briefs, you know,

(01:18:04):
spooning in maybe, maybe I'll talk with the covers. I mean, I think if I was going to rewrite this film,
right? What would happen is they would, it would run pretty much the same up until they steal the
car, right? Yeah. They would end up in the hotel. All the same people would be there. Gen would be

(01:18:26):
on this agenda to try and cheer up Kenny and get him Christmas saying everybody else Christmas saying
all that. Then it turns out that then in purgatory everybody's dead. Oh no, Rob figures out,
oh, it must be in purgatory. Is there a flashback to the car crashing? All that kind of thing.

(01:18:46):
And the bad is purgatory and Navitas, like Peter or whoever, whoever decides how long you stay in
purgatory, I don't know, they'll make the Bible for whatever. So, it would be bits of it. And then the
the thing in the tail when Jen gets up to sing, the real eyes, he realizes he's not in purgatory.

(01:19:07):
When she gets on the stage of such, he realizes that he's actually in hell. Gen's the devil.
He has another flashback where when Nicky rejects him, he stoves her head in and goes in the
run of the train station. He's kind of blocked it all out until that moment. And the last scene is just
Jen laughing maniacally is like the flames start lapping up the tartan car part, the tartan carpet and

(01:19:34):
actually not a Christmas film at all. I'd much rather watch that version. That version sounds
fucking great. It really does. And I know I know I know I'm listening to be a part for Cosmo in it.
Of course, yeah. Cosmo has to be in it. Yeah, I tell you why Cosmo probably turned this time.

(01:19:54):
You have to, it takes a lot to have a film set in skull and to be filmed in Fort William and Glenn Co.
And to have sweeping drone shots that look fucking terrible. Like this looked, it looked
odd. It just didn't look right. Yeah, I thought it looked like I've never seen Lord of the Rings

(01:20:16):
or Game of Thrones, but it looked like Middle Earth or something when they're trekking through and
it just looked fake in some way. Like I couldn't describe it, it just didn't look right to me.
I couldn't work out what that was. Well, obviously, all Scottish mountains have snow on top of them,
Nicky. But of course, Jen makes that point quickly. I don't know, I actually thought
in the Tokyo, I watched it on my tally and I rented it from Apple, so it was like a decent stream

(01:20:45):
and I couldn't find it anywhere else. And so, you know, I guess it's like in some level of high definition.
I thought it looked alright. I mean, I suppose they could have, it could have been a bit more dramatic,
but maybe there wasn't enough snow for the wider shots and it was important to the plot,
obviously, that, well, not that important because they did show some fairly passable roads,

(01:21:07):
but it was important to the plot that there was a lot of snow. But the thing is, if you're
setting something in Glenco, then you need to put a fucking shot of Glenco in there because Glenco
is one of the most dramatic, amazing vistas in the fucking world. You have to put a shot of Glenco
in there. I don't understand why they never did that. I mean, they filmed on location in Folkwellian

(01:21:29):
fucking High Street. So why not? Why not give us, why not give the American, or the international
audience some of the shot of Glenco? You know, don't get it? Just one of the many things that don't
make sense in this film. They were obviously trying to cater to an American audience because at one
point Rob mentions about committing Grand Theft Auto, which other than playing the game, I don't

(01:21:51):
think I've ever said Grand Theft Auto in a sense of stealing a car. It seems a bit strange. And then
after that, when he's talking about potentially going to prison, that he'll be cuddling up with big
bobo, his cellmate. Like, Bobo Baldi, the Asian murderer that killed Christmas Donald in 2003.

(01:22:12):
He's often mentioned, he's often mentioned on here comes a guarantee for some reason.
I did him. Big bobo. That's like, what is bobo the first name that comes in your head? I guess, I
don't know, but big bobo, your cellmate, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this will keep a warm. Yeah,

(01:22:36):
at least he'd be warm, I guess. I said we should turn back. We were warned. But did you listen,
did you? Hell, and now here we are, freezing to death in the middle of nowhere. It's true. Hey,
at least I don't have to worry about going to prison for Grand Theft Auto, but it's a shame in the
way because big bobo, my cellmate, can't be warm. We haven't really spoken about the, probably the

(01:22:59):
best part of the film is Sylvester McCoy and Fraser Hines as the two old men. I mean, we touched
upon them, but they are great in terms of a bit of comic relief to genuine actors and they are,
they're having a laugh and I did watch a little kind of behind the scenes short on YouTube. Yes,
I watched more than just the film and you could tell they were having a good laugh and just getting,

(01:23:21):
like, enjoying themselves. Fraser Hines said, oh, I was going to do a normal Scottish accent
and then Sylvester said, so why do you do like a, you know, an island's accent because it takes longer
to say words and you'll get more screen time. And I was like, oh, Sylvester, you know all the tricks,
my boy, do you really want more screen time in this film? But it showed, like, I think they had a

(01:23:44):
good laugh, I think, they had a little mix of things and yeah, I must have been fun for them to do that.
They have, they have the doctor who connection Fraser Hines and, I don't think, because Fraser Hines
was, obviously, Sylvester McCoy, famous, they was the seventh actor of the doctor who the first time
it was on before they brought it back a bit a bit years ago. And Fraser Hines was on it back in the

(01:24:07):
1960s as one of the companions where he plays a Scottish companion. Oh, Jamie, because Fraser Hines
is actually from New Yorkshire, he was in, um, a deal farm for like 20 years. It was, he played Joe
Sugden, that's how I know him. Yeah, one of the OG families. But he, um, but yeah, he was sort of famous

(01:24:28):
for the Jamie and Doctor Who, I sort of, I kind of, Jack Abbey in Highlander, um, who knocks about
with the doctor for a few series. But he's, he's, he's, I was using about him and his mum actually
is Scottish. It was Scottish, Fraser Hines Mum, she came from Port Glasgow. So that's why he's able to
do like a reasonably reasonable, um, Scottish accent, which is, hmm, obviously growing up with,

(01:24:54):
hearing it in the house, you know? But, uh, so I suppose there could, there's that connection and,
you know, the sort of, the, the kind of oldest guys on the set and all that right, sort of the old
established, uh, time-served actors, they are imagined as probably, quite quickly. I mean, they
probably know each other from like the sign, sci-fi convention circuit, you know what I mean? The,

(01:25:16):
the, the, the comment, the calling, the conventions and stuff that our friend goes to, um, with these
Star Wars Club, um, so the probably know each other really well at a full, you know? So there's,
there's probably quite an excellent, uh, to, to really move it together where it's all in one location,
they don't have to go anywhere, they're just in the pub basically, they sit around and shoot the
shit between scenes and actipish, and yeah, put a very nice couple of, and apparently they shot

(01:25:42):
this film in 12 days, I was reading. So, you know, it's, it's not even like it's a long shoot either, it's
this, like, a couple of weeks away, you know, they, they, they probably stayed in the hotel, they're, they're
filming it. Yeah, I think probably dead, and I wonder if there was a free supply of whiskey as well
to keep flowing, so, they enjoy their time there. Um, so after the most awkward sex scene we've

(01:26:08):
ever seen, um, on stage, Robin, Robin Chen, um, it basically cuts, they've been snowed in in this hotel
for two days, because it takes place over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Now, cuts to
the next day, and they're on a bus going to Glasgow, and there's no snow at all. Now that's not how it

(01:26:28):
works. In terms of in Scotland, it's going to be at least a little bit of snow kicking around. If
it's that deep that the roads are blocked, there's going to be snow for a few days. It doesn't just
vanish like that, but hey, what the hell will go with that? Now, I guess we'll debate the ending,
because you said it was very weird, and I, I actually quite liked it, so they have a quick Christmas pump,

(01:26:50):
and then they basically go there separate ways to get back to Glasgow. There's no exchange
of numbers. There's, you know, they kind of flirt with it and then know they decide to just leave
it and go and sort themselves out, and they turn around and then they pause and you think, "Ah,
don't." And then they walk away, and that's it. Now, I was waiting for them to turn around and kiss

(01:27:10):
and live happily ever after, but they don't. That's brilliant. It's just two people that have been
hurt, and they've just fucking used each other, used their bodies to feel a little bit better about
themselves, and then move on with our lives, fucking magic. See, they could have just ended it
with everybody saying cheers over the table. Christmas. That means you don't want Jen's song. Well,

(01:27:31):
I definitely don't want fucking Jen's song, but I don't need this weird, like, unerotic sex scene,
and I'm not saying that I didn't need it because I'm not saying that I wanted something that was
a lot more graphic. That's not what I'm saying here, right? But it just sort of wasn't needed.
They could just have been, well, everybody's, everybody, you know, it looks like Robin Jen might be

(01:27:54):
getting together. Everybody's rediscovered a Christmas spirit. Groggers has got a new job,
since got a new chef. Many Christmas everybody rolled the credit, you know what I mean? Because they
hold hands on the bus all the way back to Glasgow, presumably. They walk to a church together,
and then go to separate ways. Why not just say to you at the fucking bus station? We can't issue.

(01:28:18):
Why walk away? Why walk away at the church? And I tell you something, that church is not in
Glasgow City Centre, because I would recognise it. It's either in the south side or it's in the west end,
one of the two. Probably, maybe it's definitely not in Glasgow City Centre, so there's walked for
fucking like two hours just to say cheerio, and not make plans to, to be connected again.

(01:28:42):
You know, you're right. That would have been a better ending, actually. Like, leave on a high,
everyone's cheery. Yay! Merry Christmas, everyone. And yeah, you're right. That would have been better.
But no, we do get, I'm minding, I like the ending, because it's miserable.
So, yeah, Nicky Scrooge here, Ebenezer came.
See, I always refute that. I always refute that. I'm not a Scrooge. I like buying presents for people.

(01:29:08):
I'll find, I'll keep your Christmas presents. I've got, I've got your fucking belted of
Christmas presents, but you're gonna love and we will talk about on the podcast. I know we will,
I'm sure we will. But, I'm not a Scrooge. I just don't like Christmas. The reason, the reason
peeing, because I've read a little review on letterbox, and it says, "I thought this was going to be a

(01:29:29):
fun hallmark-esque movie set in Scotland, and it's about as fun as your nann dying on Christmas."
I can say from experience, Greg, because my grandmother died on Christmas Day, and, of course,
this film was more fun than that, I'll tell you. And that's why I fucking hate your Christmas
presents. Anyway, I'm gonna bring this down, this is our Christmas episode.

(01:29:53):
But yeah, it should have been a little bit more cheesy, needed to be a bit more festive. It was too long
for the type of film. It was too much, could I cut out of this? It was far, far, far too long.
I mean, anything is as well. As far as films go, like modern films, so you're never in a half,
probably like short, compared to if they're speaking, but it's so fucking slow. And part, you know,

(01:30:15):
like a lot of the films really, really slow. Like, the sort of middle act, when they're getting to
know each other in the pub, and, you know, we're interested in their characters and all this stuff,
we just, they can't, I mean, it's so slow. And then, they're going to get to the third act,
they sort of rattle through it, and you're like, "Oh, okay, they'll be finishing soon, then you look,

(01:30:35):
it's still got a 20 minutes to go." You know, but it feels like it's coming to an actual conclusion.
No, no, no, no, it's not. We need to have a blue light sex scene where Jen looks quite sad for a lot of it.
And then we need to have like a completely worthless bus journey and a really odd sort of,
let's word up looking for, cat think of the word, but, you know, we're ending where we're sort of

(01:30:58):
let wondering, well, is that it? Or are they going to reconnect in the future? Just thought,
"Fucking, just could just ended it a good swipe minutes ago."
Cheers, many Christmas everybody. God blesses everyone, well credit. Would you put this at the bottom?
This is the sixth Christmas themed episode we've done. Would you put this at the bottom?

(01:31:19):
The previous five have been comfort and joy and only apocalypse,
rapsy, nespit, seasonal glee, the bogeyman, and of course, the cranky Christmas club.
Oh yeah, because, say, those are the, it's definitely at the bottom, because, I mean, the cranky's
Christmas club, fucking hell, that was something special. It was, it was, it was fucking brilliant.

(01:31:41):
I loved it. I don't know if I'm still thinking about it, was it the flying rollers?
Or the flying rollers? Yep, you could see the girls lunch and she's been, she was getting spun
around there. And, Jimmy Cranky referring to what a tiny wee Chinese man
and pulling the corners of his/her eyes up, which is something that you just would not see on

(01:32:04):
children's television these days for indeed to add up, children, add up, and television.
No, you wouldn't get the line, naughty little China man, no people. Definitely not. Any weirdness,
and yeah, prudled Jimmy Nupriot as well. naughty little China man, look at this, see. No peeking.

(01:32:26):
It's fucking, it was something else, it really was. Okay, so good to know that this,
this comes at the bottom of our, our list. Look, I feel bad for a sleepiness because, you know,
something, look, we haven't said anything against, it's more about the characters and the writing.
Like, I think, I'm trying to say, I was dancing against the film, it's just the writing and the

(01:32:53):
characters really. Like Kenny Boyle, who plays rap, right? I think he is, he's a theatre actor,
and it shows, and I think as a theatre actor, I bet he's fucking great. And he's worn his theatre
make up to do this play, this film, and it's, he's obviously playing one of the, one of the,
the, it's come from one of the ugly sisters, that's it, thank you, one of the ugly sisters.

(01:33:17):
I was going to say, mother of goose or something, and he's obviously, he's done, he's done what you can
with the script, maybe watch some videos on how to smoke, but otherwise, he said,
I could do enough job with what he's got, and I think, Natalie Clark is, Jen, she's, yeah, she's good.
Like, I think, she's, I think, she's good. I think it's, I think it's, I think it's, I think, she's, she's good. I think I'm really warm-sir, is a little odd.

(01:33:40):
So, I think it is the material that they have, that they're working with, so. Yeah, it's, it's obviously not
the best, I mean, you know, essentially, it is just a film where Grogan turns up, tells, "I want to
fuck off" and that Christmas is shit. I remember the other time I laughed, I did laugh twice, and it wasn't,
it was, um, when Jen says, uh, to the teenage girl, I mean, when she dots her lips to applying makeup, again,

(01:34:07):
that's not how you applying makeup, but, um, when she says, "Christ, Chris and Clara, it's like Bodger and Badger."
Um, I did laugh at Bodger and Badger, but more because I was thinking about Bodger and Badger, not
up the line, so. Yeah. I just think, you know, like, I don't want to be, I don't want to be, they sort of mean
to them because, like I said at the beginning, it does feel like everyone's having quite an

(01:34:30):
next-time makeup as well, you know what I mean? That, that does come across, and they, you know, said it,
I thought, I think I must say it every time we review something that neither of us have particularly
enjoyed. They, I must be very, very difficult getting a film need, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And,
you know, these guys have done it. And, you know, the, and the other thing is, if I 12 days to shoot it,

(01:34:53):
so, you know, there maybe is an argument to say, well, if they'd had a bit more time, you know, they could
have, they maybe it might have been a better film because they might have sort of realised that,
this, maybe this isn't works so well or that, you know, whatever. But, you know, it's a, it's a,
relatively low budget, 12-day film, probably the most expensive thing in the film is that weird

(01:35:14):
scarf CGI, right? Taking up most of the budget. And as well, you know, if fair enough, and, you know,
they're, there are some nice moments in it, there are some quite funny bits, you know, the
Muldwing guy, particularly funny, as you mentioned earlier on, you know, and, you know, you've,
there's some, there's some good actors in this for sure. And, I just, you know, Kenny, I've not

(01:35:37):
so sure, I mean, he was in the, um, Scott Squad, right? He played, um, if they were in the detective's
and Scott Squad, but I've not seen the episodes that he's in, so I maybe I have to try and see
them and see how he is in that. But he's, you know, he's not just an actor, he's a, he's a, he's a playwright
as well, in a, in a, in a hand, a writer. Um, I'd look at Natalie Clark's Instagram, um, earlier on

(01:36:01):
to see because she's not, it's not a lot of, she's not done like a great deal. So she's, I've got a Wikipedia
page, which is got an IMDB page, and unfortunately she's been dealing with O'Vary and Cancer. Oh,
I did the past. Yeah, for the last few years or so, though she is, uh, she's in remission currently,
and we wish her well and hope that hopefully that's how this stays in remission for her. But you know,

(01:36:22):
she seems like a really nice, like much like Jen, she seems like a nice woman, you know what I mean,
she comes across well with her Instagram and stuff. So, you know, and it's always good to see
Groggers, um, playing against type. I think, you know, maybe there was a spin-off film there somewhere,
but she has to, like, Scott Pilgrim, she's got to battle Nega, Nega Groggers.

(01:36:44):
How the back of the back of the hotel? I'm sorry to hear that, but notly Clark. I hope she's,
uh, yeah, she makes her full recovery and she's okay. Um, yeah, look, it's, it is what it is. It's, uh,
it's a Christmas romcom with little rom, even less com, you know, this isn't what Jesus wanted for

(01:37:05):
his birthday, Greg. But here we are. It's always feel a disappointment, but this is, yeah, it's,
I'm glad I want to watch this again. Yeah, me too. I mean, I, you know, I think I was, I did struggle with it.
I was, I looked at the time quite a bit. It's never a good sign, how much, how much more, and like I
say, I did, um, I did, I did skip through much of the song, um, the, uh, Jen sings to the, to the hotel

(01:37:33):
guests or the end of the film. But, you know, I mean, I think there's definitely an audience for this film,
like I said, I could, I could see my mother quite enjoying it, you know, people who, maybe don't have, uh,
who are sophisticated, uh, tasting, entertainment and culture, um, that might joke it. But, uh,
I'm sure that people, I'm sure that, you know, a lot of people probably quite enjoy it. Um, yeah.

(01:37:56):
I'm sure there are. I'm sure there are people that think it's a great film and it's a lovely,
romantic comedy and it's just a perfect Christmas film. So it's definitely a good one. It's definitely,
I think the one thing that Ryan Hendrick definitely nails is it's definitely a Christmas film.
Yes. You know what I mean, definitely the Christmas film. Uh, and I could, you know, he's, you know, he's,

(01:38:16):
you know, he's, he's going, he's going for a crew. That's the other thing. That's the other thing
that's weird about the ending because he's not going for a, a sort of warm feeling Christmas film
because the ending is so ambiguous, you know, for the characters, um, anyway, anyway. So if you want to
watch most of Christmas, it is on Apple. Um, I'm sure there are other ways to get it. It might even be a

(01:38:39):
Netflix in your, in your territory, perhaps, whatever you are in the world. Um, or Amazon Prime. Um,
so by all means give it a watch if you think that's kind of thing. Shall we put the
Christmas through our swallow awards? Let's do it Greg. I mean, what have we got first? Well,
it was always the Bobby the Barman award for the best pub. I mean, that will tell Bar. I could

(01:39:02):
definitely kill a couple hours in there. Yeah, it looked all right. It looked nice enough. Yeah,
should the ship. With Ernie and Frank. Yeah, get the fire place going and yeah, have a couple of
drums. Yeah, no, I like that. It was nice. Yeah. Nice pub. Nice Scottish pub. Uh, next one then is,
the Sainted Cosmo award for being an everything Scottish. I can have to go with Grogon on this one.

(01:39:24):
Although I do feel like, I felt like Alistair McRohn who plays Amy, the only, Amy Pond's Dad, he's got a
face who looks like he's been in a lot of lot of stuff. And I think he's IMDB and he's not really, he's
got the obligatory tagger in there to and take the high road actually. Maybe that's where I recognise him
from. He's not that big. He's not got as many credits as Grogon. Did you have anybody else?

(01:39:47):
Sanji Cooley. Yeah, that's a good shot. Although predominantly still game, but he has been in a lot of
stuff and he's popped up, you know, department queue and he's, you know, as you've said, early stuff,
he's been in, he does pop up in quite a lot of things. Well, you know what, I was looking at his,
filmography on Wikipedia, I've got it here. And so that, that sitcom that we were trying to think

(01:40:11):
about earlier was Meet the Maguns. And hard-eat, Sin Cooley has his brother, which I'm sure he's
probably not feeling great about it in the minute, but anyway, he's obviously got still game.
He's got the Peter Sedifano, it's show that it was in various characters, sketch show. He's done
absolutely, he's played a lot of characters that write a shopkeepers or second name as Can,

(01:40:31):
unfortunately. He's a Gary Time Commander, Bob Servin, Phil, obviously, the IT crowd. He's a
regular, he was a regular, we're in River City for seven years, which I had no idea. He's in
Stonehouse, what we did in this, in this very podcast a couple of years ago. Yeah. And most recently,
Department Q, which is done great business on Netflix over the summer. And I've been watching

(01:40:59):
myself, I can thoroughly recommend it. It's very, very good. Yeah. It's fantastic. So yeah, I,
yeah, I went with San Chief Coley. Yeah, that's a good show. Yeah. Grogan could be in with her show
as well. She's been in quite a lot of stuff, but she's not quite as prolific in the Scottish stuff,
though. You know, like if I look at her, she's got obviously the great of these girls, which was her
big breakout and comfort and joy. And then it's a lot of English stuff. It's rather Ted, Red Dwarf,

(01:41:25):
he's Stenders. Yeah. She's got these Stenders for a couple of years. She's done a tagger. She's
done this. She did a sea of souls, which should be good to try and track down. So I think that's
yeah. It's definitely a sually fodder, but yeah, she's, obviously, a lot of music with altered
images, old Groggers. So not quite as prolific. So yeah, I think Coley is definitely the better show.

(01:41:47):
Right. Next then is the Jake McQuillan, your T-Zoot award. Obviously, there's one obvious choice
here. Yeah, I'd went with Jen punching Mark. Yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. You could have went with
McCoy putting the orange in the toilet, but I wouldn't see that. Or Rob's heart breaking when
Jake is turned down by the lovely Mickey. Next then, I didn't think I was going to be able to put

(01:42:14):
anything in this category until the very, very, very, very, very end when we had the weird sex scene,
but the Yume Gregor award for a gratuitous nudity probably didn't need to see
Cady Boyle in these boxer briefs from being quite honest. No. It was not something that I needed to see.
And yeah, it was, yeah, but I'm glad I did because it gave me a hell of a laugh with that. So yeah.

(01:42:39):
Yeah. And next then, not a lot you could put to this one because the language is fairly clean,
but the Francis Begby Award for a gratuitous language is a few bastards, but
Yeah, like you mentioned, illegitimate Greg, you mean? Yeah. Because that's a running joke.
Yeah, there's not a lot. I went with Grogon when she's ripping into Jen and she says about her

(01:43:02):
full Christmas cheer and she just says, "You are full of shit." And yeah, I like that.
And next then, archetypal Scottish moment, the price is in a tourist shop. That is.
Twenty quid for a scarf, you know what I mean? What did you go for? Yeah, I wrote that down. I also wrote down
the phrase, "twenty quid, he gets his hole by midnight." This is something quite Scottish,

(01:43:27):
but not about betting on whether a guy is going to be lucky and love with a young lady,
but the phrase, "he'll get his hole" is definitely only ever uttered in Scotland. Yeah,
so I do have to explain that to my girlfriend, but I comment. Yes, sure, sure, sure, she's,
she's glad of your explanation. Yes, yeah. And then finally then, the big time award,

(01:43:52):
who wins, lost at Christmas for you. We all did, Greg, because we got to see this wonderful film.
So we all did. I gave it to McCoy and Hyde, just a double act. Me too. I was going to say, I don't feel
like a winner. Copy, honest. But yeah, yeah, I like seeing them on screen, you know, together.
The moments were good. You could do a whole spin-off with those two, I think. But I thought

(01:44:18):
Natalie Clark put a good shift in in this film. She's likeable. Yeah, she's quite funny,
you know, the scene where she's sneaking around the house looking for the car keys and she runs
into the wee boy. Yeah, and they, in the cupboard. And again, I mean, that's another bit of like,
this is where the wee boy goes to Hyde when he's mum and dad are shouting each other, which they do
often. Yeah, I mean, it's that, I mean, it's supposed to be a light comedy here, guys, you know.

(01:44:42):
Yeah, it's a dark film, really. You're right. Yeah, not the best, but... Yeah, no, you're right.
Natalie Clark, she does deliver a good performance. So it's, I can see that. There is a case for her,
but yeah, Hyde's in McCoy. Yeah, Hyde's in McCoy. Yeah, Hyde's in McCoy. Anyway, that was lost at
Christmas. Watch it or don't. We could just watch, pull my phone again. But it's a wonderful life,

(01:45:11):
if you want something a bit more serious. Just watch Die Hard, yeah. For grandma's. Anyway, I chose,
well, I kind of chose lost at Christmas, which means you, it's your choice for our Huggman A episode.
So what are we, what are we watching next week? Well, we did discuss this Greg in terms of what
we're going to pick. And yeah, I thought we'd do something a little bit different for our new year

(01:45:34):
episode this year. Aren't you your episode or Huggman A episode? It actually comes out on Christmas day,
which is a bit bizarre, but I didn't want to fuck around with the schedule, so here we are.
We're going back to 1987 for the next episode. And this is something that I really associate with
Christmas in New Year because it was advertised on TV constantly that year. And it's something that I

(01:45:58):
think every single one of my uncles got for Christmas. So we're going to London for the next episode,
to join probably definitely Scotland's most famous comedian. As we look at the 1987
Billy Connellay Live Show, Billy and Albert. I've got, I actually got it from a Christmas in

(01:46:18):
Christmas 2019 on DVD. So I'll be there. I'll be there. We're taking the rapper of that six years later.
I watch and Billy and Albert. Fantastic. I think it is available on YouTube if anyone wants to watch
it. If it's a show and of course the the album is available on all streaming services, but yeah,

(01:46:39):
all great, you'll be able to watch the DVD that I conic cover, which we will discuss on the next episode.
So there we go, New Year episode of the Swally, Billy and Albert. Well, thank you very much for listening.
Everyone, hope you have a wonderful Christmas, although we are next episode, we'll be out on Christmas
day. What better than to carve the turkey and listen to us speaking about Billy and Albert? I don't

(01:47:00):
know how good it is. We're not recording it till next week. But if you want to get in touch with
us, you can, you can email us, cultureswally@gmail.com, anything you want to recommend, any new stories you've
seen, if you just want to say hello, then drop us a line. And Greg, we're available on a website as well.
How are you fucking fucking that up? Normally, obviously, we have a lovely website as well, but we have a

(01:47:22):
website available to people, don't we? We do. We have a website available on the internet,
available to anybody who can type in the name of the website correctly. It's cultureswally.com,
with links to all our episodes. I think 140. The last episode was the three doors down was 140.
Yep, it was. So next year, we'll be celebrating 150 episodes. So we need something monumental

(01:47:51):
for the 150th episode. So we're open to suggestions because picking stuff is hard sometimes for the
pod. So yeah, so you can get in touch with us through the website. There's links to our socials and
even at Google email account. And so get in touch with your suggestions for next year's 150th episodes

(01:48:13):
of the cultureswally. And I wish you have an idea for the 150th, but we'll see. I think yeah,
we'll discuss that. Okay, but yeah, we'll see if any listeners suggest anything. So yeah,
please get in touch. Wonderful. Right, well, you up to anything else exciting today, Gregor? Are you
just going to sleep off? Yeah, I do. You had a little cheeky beer in terms of the time before.

(01:48:35):
I had a can of juice forci by the brilliant, brilliant brewing company. It's a, it's a fruity IPA.
It's described as a pineapple and mango tropical fruit explosion. It's quite a lot of bits in it.
It's quite, and I have to say, I didn't really enjoy it. I forced it down. There's quite a lot of stuff.

(01:48:58):
But I forgot to say the minute at the bottom of the glass there. So yeah, I don't recommend
just forci, the only can is quite a nice design. So yeah, I've not done, I've not done the
word of the, I mean, I used to like share my word, because I started doing it when it came out,
and then you and your mutual friend roasted me so I stopped sharing it, but I've been committed

(01:49:21):
to Wordal since, whenever it started, like, 21, 22, I'm okay, I've not done it today yet. So I'm
going to go into the Wordal fair enough. Well, I hope you have a wonderful time doing your Wordal.
And I do think, for me, our mutual friend, to the piss, it was just like art, banter, so I'm
new catch, share whatever you want. I don't know, I don't know anybody else who does the Wordal.

(01:49:43):
So it's not even like I can, like, I can, like, I know like John Robbins on the,
Elis and John podcast is an avid wordal, and he's part of a group, and they sort of,
they share their grids every day, see who, who's solved it in the fewest turns. I don't know anybody else
who wordals, so I just have to do it myself. Just, just, wait a minute, go and have a little Wordal.

(01:50:05):
Yeah, so yourself out. I write good wordal, wonderful. Okay, right, well, I will see you next week for,
well, two weeks time, well, next week will be recording for our awkward episode, click. All right,
till next time, till the next time. How dare you? You know absolutely nothing about me. You don't know

(01:50:27):
any of us. So how dare you force your full cheerful Christmas spirit on us? And I've seen your face
when you think nobody's been looking. You are full of shit. You know what? No, my Christmas spirit is
going to fix what broke you. So don't you dare drag us through this hand-to-mine like puppets

(01:50:51):
in your healing process. Grow up and leave me out of it.
[Music]

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Episode 141 - Lost At Christmas (2020)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 141 - Lost At Christmas (2020)