February 9, 2024 • 22 mins
In this enlightening and inspiration-packed episode with experienced counselor Bob Gerais, the focus is on amplifying intimacy levels in Christian marriages. Likening to the operations of a restaurant, this talk unravels the mystery of a couple's sex life, offering actionable remedies to revive what may seem like a dwindling 'restaurant'. The core aspects of fostering love, respect, understanding, and making your spouse feel cherished are discussed.
Loaded with practical tips and effective strategies, this comprehensive guide is designed to help you understand the key elements for nurturing marital intimacy. From warming up techniques and active participation in house chores to leveraging the power of anticipation and preparation, each aspect is meticulously covered in this talk.
The paramount importance of aftercare is brought to light, offering a new perspective on this often-neglected facet of preserving intimate relationships. Dive into this informational episode to learn how to honor the divine gift of love and marriage with consistent tender, loving and sweet romantic moments, making your spouse feel cherished all the way.
This episode doesn't shy away from discussing the emotional and biological complexities associated with lovemaking and sexual intimacy within a Christian marriage. Commonly held misconceptions are addressed, and practical advice is provided to help create a fulfilling and reciprocally satisfying sexual relationship.
Furthermore, the harmful impact of pornography on marital relationships is examined. The key lies in promoting confidence and respecting your spouse's sexual identity. Book recommendations for those yearning to refine their lovemaking approach are also included. Ultimately, this episode serves as a comprehensive guide to enhancing mutual pleasure, leading to more frequent and enjoyable intimate moments.
Take the first step towards a healthier, more intimate marital relationship by reaching out via www.realmanrevolution.com. Remember, building an emotional trust foundation with patience, love, appreciation, and kindness can transform your marriage into a thriving environment of intimacy. Love your wife as Christ loved the church — with all your heart, mind, and soul, and watch your marriage truly flourish.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey brother, Bob Gerais here, and today we're going to talk about how to get
more sex inside your Christian marriage.
Now, the one thing that I want to say is that God has gifted me with an incredible gift,
and that is the ability to have spoken with 25,000 men over the last 20 years
(00:20):
about very intimate subjects like what is going on behind closed doors.
And inside of that space, what I wanted to do is I wanted to let you know about
some concepts that I have put together after speaking to those men.
Now, the first concept that I want to introduce you to is the concept of the restaurant.
(00:40):
So I want you to start thinking in terms of a restaurant when it comes to sex with your wife.
Now, what do I mean by that? Well, let's say that you have a favorite restaurant
and if you could, you would go there every day, multiple times per day,
and you would order everything that is possibly on the menu,
and you want to be able to go morning, noon, and night. You want to be able
to go holidays and weekends.
(01:02):
You just want this thing to be open all the time. So if you look at your sex
life as this restaurant.
When you first get married, what's going to happen is that restaurant is open
the maximum number of hours that she is comfortable having it open.
It is open the maximum number of days of week that she is comfortable having it open.
(01:23):
It is open the maximum number of times during each day of the week that she
is comfortable having it open.
And what is on the menu is the maximum number of things that she is comfortable having on the menu.
And how those things are then served is with love and great care in the preparation.
Now, as things start to deteriorate in your marriage, what you're going going
(01:47):
to find is that the restaurant is open fewer and fewer days of the week.
It is open fewer and fewer times of the day.
It is open fewer times per day.
And the things on the menu begin shrinking until there are fewer and fewer things on the menu.
And the way that those things on the menu are prepared and served is kind of
(02:09):
in an obligatory manner, just saying, let's get this over with.
I I owe you a sandwich. Here's a sandwich.
I owe you a milkshake. Here's a milkshake. And then what you find is over time,
this restaurant is barely functioning.
Now, we can talk about all the reasons why that is, and this channel is full of those reasons.
It's because you're not making her feel loved. You're not making her feel seen.
(02:33):
You're not making her feel heard. You're not making her feel cherished.
You're not making her feel respected. And for information about how to transfer
feelings like that into her and give her this joy and bliss and respect and
appreciation and make her feel safe emotionally,
which is the prerequisite to what will be available inside of the bedroom.
(02:58):
Well, just go look at all the other videos on this channel. But assuming that
you're doing that and you're starting to see success and things are starting
to get better and you want to understand how to expand the restaurant,
how to get it open more hours, how to get it open more days of the week, more times of the day,
how to get things that are on the menu that have been taken off,
(03:20):
added or things that have never been on the menu placed on the menu and how
to get those things served with gratitude and appreciation.
Appreciation and enthusiasm and respect.
Well, here are the tips that I have for you. Okay. So the first thing that you
have to understand is that this is a very hormonal thing.
It's a very hormonal thing for you. It's mostly about testosterone.
(03:44):
It's a very hormonal thing for her. We've got to become her hormone dealer.
We've got to be dealing her vasopressin, oxytocin, serotonin,
testosterone, and estrogen.
If you need help with that, this channel is full of videos about how to do that.
I'm going to come out with a video later called How to Be Her Hormone Dealer,
(04:07):
and I'm going to talk just about that.
But right now, just go look in my channel. Now, the thing is,
is once that hormonal table has been set, then the next thing that you've got
to understand is you've got to prepare her for intimacy.
You don't just sit around the house lazy all day or come breezing in seven,
eight o'clock at night after a hard day's work, snap your fingers and say,
(04:30):
let's do it. That's not how this thing works.
Women need to be warmed up. They need to be.
So how do you warm her up? Well, what I'm going to tell you,
having served her the proper hormones,
having been the man, having made her feel safe and loved and seen and heard
and and protected, like you're the guardian of her soul, and you're the protector
(04:53):
of her emotional health.
You sit down with her in the morning, and you talk to her. You don't read the
paper. You don't be on your phone. You're not scrolling Facebook.
You're not checking email. You're not working. You give her your presence.
You give her your attention.
You share the morning with her, and at some point during that morning,
you smile, and you say something like, Like, hey, it would be really great if
(05:16):
we could be intimate tonight.
Now, when you do that, you set off a chain of events in her head because now she's ready to prepare.
And this is the way that women come at sex. It's not just a drop of the hat,
unfortunately, like it may have been early in your marriage.
In this time of your marriage, she needs time to prepare.
(05:36):
And so what does it mean for her to prepare? Well, she's going to start preparing herself mentally.
And what that means is that she's got to get things cleared off of her plate.
She needs to know that the house is in the right order, that the bills are in
the right order, that the kids are in the right order.
That all of these things are good so that she can relax, she can stop thinking
(05:58):
about these 10,000 things that are on her head, and then she can actually focus
and concentrate and relax into the intimate experience with you.
Now, the smart husband is going to help her do that.
So without being robotic about it and saying, okay, great, we can do it tonight.
What do I need to do to help help you prepare, that's not a great thing to do.
(06:21):
A great thing to do would be to generally be helpful around the house anyway.
Generally be looking out for her anyway.
Genuinely be understanding her and caring about her and noticing her and seeing
her so that she is seen and heard and keeping this stuff at a low hum anyway
(06:41):
so that there's not this pile of things that need to happen for her to be able to say,
I can relax into the intimacy that we're having tonight.
But that being said, it does not hurt to be a little bit extra attentive.
It does not hurt to be a little bit more communicative. If you work in the house,
come up behind her, put your arms around her, kiss her on her neck.
(07:05):
And then just do whatever she's doing. If she's making lunch,
help her make lunch. If she's doing the dishes, help her do the dishes.
And just be generally aware and attentive of things that need to happen to get
the house in the order that she needs it to be in to be able to relax into that
intimacy and help her with that cause.
Now, if you're at work and you can't do that, you're going to be sending her texts.
(07:28):
You're going to be checking in. And it's not like sending her sexting texts
or anything like that. It's just maybe one or two extra texts.
Hey, was thinking about you, just wanted to make sure you're having a good day.
I love you or whatever, something like that.
And so this warming her up is getting her to a point where she can relax into
this, but in the same space.
(07:49):
Don't be disappointed if when you come home, the kids are at the house and she
is not in some negligee where you had fantasized that she had said,
move the kids to the neighbor's house to spend the night.
And she's got candles lit and she's got a negligee and all those kinds of things
because many, many women are not comfortable initiating.
(08:10):
And so you're not going to push her into that or condemn her or criticize her
for not doing it. You're going to be the initiator.
And now, as I have a podcast about Lead Your Wife, leadyourwife.com,
go listen to that podcast.
And there's videos here that reflect it. you are the chief initiating officer
in your marriage. You're the leader, man.
(08:32):
That's the way God made you. And inside of that space, you are to lead.
Now, is it a welcome gift if she initiates? Of course.
Somebody initiates this action and not get your feelings hurt or start going
into some kind of a mood that's going to kill the mood for her if she doesn't
remember, Remember, if it's not top of mind, like, yes,
(08:53):
you did talk to her about it. Yes, she is preparing.
Yes, she has a lot on her. Yes, she may have forgotten by the time you get home.
So remind her when you get home.
Walk up to her. Give her a nice hug. Give her a nice kiss. Whisper something in her ear.
Like, I can't wait to be with you. And just help her understand that this is
(09:14):
the direction that we're moving in, that we've agreed to move since this morning,
so that she feels pursued.
She feels seen. She feels set apart.
She feels sanctified.
Like, what you're about to do honors God. God created this for your enjoyment.
He created it for His glory. And so inside of that space, what you're about to do is holy.
(09:39):
What you're about to do is beautiful. What you're about to do is wonderful.
And so just bring that energy into these interactions that you're having with
her as you're preparing for this event.
Now, as this is happening, what I want you to do is I want you to do your level
best to make it sweet, to make it tender, to make it loving, to make it romantic,
(10:02):
not to make it like, God forbid, you might have seen on some pornographic movie.
That is not what warms the heart of women.
That is not oftentimes, even inside of a loving Christian marriage,
I don't believe it's what God expects or intended us to do. He expects us to
weld ourselves together.
(10:23):
He expects our two hearts, minds, souls, and bodies to become one.
And he expects that to happen in a beautiful, soft, tender, romantic,
loving embrace and shared time where we're literally living out the biblical
verse, the two shall become one.
And inside of that space, when she feels cared for and she feels safe and she
(10:45):
feels feels loved, and she feels your strength, but yet she feels your tenderness,
this is what's going to be your best chance to go forward.
And not only that, it's going to be your best chance the next time in the morning
you say, hey, it would be really great if we made love tonight,
or I'm really missing you, I'd really love to be with you tonight, or something like that.
(11:07):
Like if she remembers how she was treated so lovingly and so tenderly and so
patiently, then what she's going
going to do is she's going to be more likely to say yes in the future.
Okay. And then here's something that I want to talk about that is not often
talked about. And it's this subject of aftercare.
What is aftercare?
Aftercare is that after she has shared with you all of her most intimate gifts,
(11:31):
she's been vulnerable. She's completely exposed herself.
She's literally allowed you inside her body.
And then what often happens is that there's this kind of hormonal shift that
occurs in the man that says, okay, I've done that, and maybe I want to do it again.
And I know this really puts off a lot of women. They're like,
(11:52):
for goodness sake, we just did it last night, and you're asking me again this morning.
And what I'm going to tell you is that if your wife is not into that,
do yourself a favor and do her a favor and don't bring it up again in the morning.
You don't need to tell her that because she just gave you everything she has to give.
And there's this biological thing wired into us to procreate.
(12:15):
And it's like your body thinks, hey, I found a willing mate and she let me do that.
Let's do that as many times as possible. and that way we can procreate as a
man, experience some tenderness, experience some empathy, understand if she's
not into it. Now, man, she might be into it.
And if she's into it, then good for you, man.
(12:36):
But if you know she's not into it, then just keep your mouth shut about it.
And you don't have to communicate that to her.
You don't have to communicate every thought that comes into your head,
whether it's the big one or the little one.
So here's the thing, man, And this concept of aftercare, it goes far beyond
that. She is vulnerable.
She is tender.
(12:57):
And what she wants to see is that you're not just using her and losing her.
She wants to see that after sharing her most intimate gift with you,
that you're responding with a little bit more tenderness, a little bit more
patience, a little bit more love.
Love and so all of the things that i teach on this channel
(13:19):
about how to get your face in the right place and how to
look at her and how to talk to her and how to interact with
her so that she feels better in every interaction you need
to crank that up for the aftercare and the aftercare lasts all day now you might
say bob this really isn't fair you're telling me that for 5 or 10 or 20 or 30
or 50 whatever it is for you and her minutes of pleasure i've got to spend one
(13:43):
whole whole day warming her up,
and then another whole day just making sure that she feels loved as she's feeling
vulnerable after giving me this gift.
And I'm going to say, absolutely, man. That's how you be a loving husband.
That's how you understand her. 1 Peter 3, 7, if you don't understand her,
your prayers are hindered.
(14:04):
So what I'm doing here, I believe the Holy Spirit has put this on my heart to tell you, man.
That understanding her means empathizing with the fact that being completely
naked, vulnerable, exposed, wide open, and allowing you inside of her body has an emotional toll.
Soul and what she needs to know is that you are
her man forever and you will treat her
(14:26):
like a wife you will treat her like a
queen especially when she is feeling exposed
and vulnerable and tender don't miss this part man because if you miss this
part what's going to happen and if you're like most guys out there what you're
going to do is you're just going to you're just going to come in and you're
going to be like hey let's do this and she's not in the mood and then you're
(14:48):
pouty and then you're angry.
And then what am I supposed to do? And where am I supposed to go?
What am I supposed to do to get it? And then she finally relents. And then you do that.
And then you get up and you go watch TV or you get on the computer and you start working.
And then you completely ignore her and you're not tender with her.
There is a 48-hour cycle around this inside a loving Christian marriage with
(15:12):
the average loving Christian woman.
And I'm speaking from the experience of 25,000 men who I have had conversations with this about.
It is not just your wife. It is every wife.
And inside of that space, as the man, as the leader, as the king of your kingdom,
this is what God requires of us in order
(15:32):
to lead our wife into this sexual relationship where she can flourish.
Now, what am I talking about when I say flourish? What I'm talking about is
here's a little known fact, brother.
It is possible to get that restaurant open more days of the week than she ever imagined possible.
(15:53):
It is possible to get that restaurant open all hours of the day and night.
First thing in the morning, last thing at night, in the middle of the day at lunch.
And maybe she doesn't even think that's possible. Maybe she's one of those women
who is like, I can only do it when the house is perfect and I lay down in bed
and I'm ready to go to sleep.
You might be a morning guy. You might be disappointed that you don't get to do it in the morning.
(16:18):
Well, here's what I have to tell you, man. Inside the context of a loving Christian relationship.
If you are not pushing, if you are not demanding, but in fact what you are doing
is leading with love, it is possible to get that morning slot open.
It is possible to get multiple slots per day open.
(16:38):
Sometimes, maybe not, maybe not your wife. Here's the thing about women, man.
Every woman has an absolute limit as to how often the restaurants open,
how many times per day, what times it's going to happen, what's on the menu and how it's prepared.
But what I'm trying to encourage you with, there is a potential for growth.
There's a potential where she can grow into more of all of those things if she is treated well.
(17:05):
Now, this is treated well outside the context of the sexual union,
and it is treated well during this 48 hours that kind of surround the sexual union.
Opinion, if you do that, what's going to happen is that she is going to feel
loved and she is going to feel responded to, seen, heard, held, cherished.
(17:26):
And inside of that space, she is going to start relaxing some of these things.
And before you know it, things that used to be on the menu that have been taken off get put back on.
And before you know it, it's open more and it's open longer.
Now, here's the number one thing that I want to tell you, man.
Don't break your sex life. Do not break your sex life.
(17:49):
It is so easy to break. All you have to do is show extreme disappointment in
your wife sexually, and she will be broken.
And when that happens, you can kiss your sex life goodbye because she's already
a little bit embarrassed.
She's already a little bit vulnerable. And now here you come along like a wrecking
ball and tell her that she's not any good at it, or she's not enough,
(18:11):
or she's not valuable in that department.
What would you do, man? What would you do? You would probably just shut down.
And if it happened at all, it would just be obligatory if you're even able to perform. form.
This is a mistake I've seen thousands and thousands and thousands of men make.
They go to their wife and they say, look, this isn't working for me.
(18:33):
You're not working for me. You're not enough for me sexually.
And let me tell you something, man. If you go look at pornography.
That's what you're telling your wife.
And let me tell you something else. You better imagine that Jesus is looking
over your shoulder when you're doing it.
You better imagine that he's disgusted with you and he's brokenhearted over
the fact that you're breaking your wife. Because let me tell you something else.
(18:56):
In this day and age, this video is being made in 2024.
Every device reflects everything everywhere. You will get caught.
There is history. There are traces. There are cookies. There are ads.
There are you name it, man.
You start looking at that garbage. You are going to get caught.
And when she sees you looking at it, what she is going to say is I'm I'm not enough for him.
(19:19):
Obviously, I'm not enough for him. He needs to go look at that.
So what am I even doing? Why am I even trying? I'm already a little bit embarrassed.
I'm already a little bit feeling vulnerable.
I'm already feeling like I'm not enough. And now all he's doing is confirming it.
And so inside of that space, man, be very, very careful with your wife's sexual identity.
(19:41):
Be very careful with your wife. Her sexuality is very tender.
It is very easily broken.
You don't just come storming in and making demands about more frequency or more
times or more things on the menu or more enthusiasm or what she's wearing or
what she's doing or what she's saying because you can break her very easily.
(20:01):
And this is especially true in the confines of a Christian marriage with a good Christian woman.
Like, this is not some woman who was out there with 1,700 men before she met
you, more often than not.
This is a woman who either had very few partners or saved herself for marriage.
She doesn't have a lot of confidence in this department, and she's easily broken.
(20:23):
Do not break her, my brother. Now, finally, here's what I want to talk about.
I want to talk about technique. technique.
So what technique am I talking about? Well, here's the thing.
If you want this to happen more often, obviously it needs to be pleasurable and enjoyable for her.
And I'm not going to go into all the details of that, but what I'll tell you
(20:43):
is in with my conversations with the 25,000 men, the one book that has come
up over and over and over about technique is a book called She She Comes First.
It's by Ian Kerner.
I-A-N-K-E-R-N-E-R.
Ian Kerner.
Read that book if you're worried about your technique. And let me tell you something, man.
(21:04):
These men who I've spoken with, they come back and they report going from zero
to hero in that department.
And it's not all about that, man. It's all about everything else I've said.
But when you get to the bottom line, God created this for our pleasure.
And the more pleasure you can give her, the more pleasure she will want and desire.
So all of this has been about making it pleasurable for her.
(21:27):
So here's what you do, man. I want you to love your wife as Christ loved the
church with your heart and your mind and your soul.
And I want you to love her like she is tender and easily broken and with great patience for 10,
12, 24 hours leading up to lovemaking and 10, 12, 24 hours after the lovemaking. Do that, man.
(21:52):
And I promise you, the restaurant will open.
The restaurant will open longer, more days of the week, more times of the day.
More things will show up on that menu and
those items will be prepared with love
and appreciation and tenderness and kindness with
an eye towards your pleasure now if you're not in a space where any of this
(22:13):
is even anything that you can even start because your wife is shut down because
your wife is hurting because your wife is heading towards separation or divorce
then what i want you to do is go to www.realmanrevolution.com.
Www.realmanrevolution.com. Fill out the application.
We don't work with every man. We only work with the men we know we can help.
(22:37):
If you're selected, we'll get on the phone or a Zoom call with you and we'll
sit down and we'll talk about it and see if you're a fit.
So go to www.realmanrevolution.com and I'll see you on the other side.
Hey brother, Bob Gerais here, and today we're going to talk about how to get
more sex inside your Christian marriage.
Now, the one thing that I want to say is that God has gifted me with an incredible gift,
and that is the ability to have spoken with 25,000 men over the last 20 years
(00:20):
about very intimate subjects like what is going on behind closed doors.
And inside of that space, what I wanted to do is I wanted to let you know about
some concepts that I have put together after speaking to those men.
Now, the first concept that I want to introduce you to is the concept of the restaurant.
(00:40):
So I want you to start thinking in terms of a restaurant when it comes to sex with your wife.
Now, what do I mean by that? Well, let's say that you have a favorite restaurant
and if you could, you would go there every day, multiple times per day,
and you would order everything that is possibly on the menu,
and you want to be able to go morning, noon, and night. You want to be able
to go holidays and weekends.
(01:02):
You just want this thing to be open all the time. So if you look at your sex
life as this restaurant.
When you first get married, what's going to happen is that restaurant is open
the maximum number of hours that she is comfortable having it open.
It is open the maximum number of days of week that she is comfortable having it open.
(01:23):
It is open the maximum number of times during each day of the week that she
is comfortable having it open.
And what is on the menu is the maximum number of things that she is comfortable having on the menu.
And how those things are then served is with love and great care in the preparation.
Now, as things start to deteriorate in your marriage, what you're going going
(01:47):
to find is that the restaurant is open fewer and fewer days of the week.
It is open fewer and fewer times of the day.
It is open fewer times per day.
And the things on the menu begin shrinking until there are fewer and fewer things on the menu.
And the way that those things on the menu are prepared and served is kind of
(02:09):
in an obligatory manner, just saying, let's get this over with.
I I owe you a sandwich. Here's a sandwich.
I owe you a milkshake. Here's a milkshake. And then what you find is over time,
this restaurant is barely functioning.
Now, we can talk about all the reasons why that is, and this channel is full of those reasons.
It's because you're not making her feel loved. You're not making her feel seen.
(02:33):
You're not making her feel heard. You're not making her feel cherished.
You're not making her feel respected. And for information about how to transfer
feelings like that into her and give her this joy and bliss and respect and
appreciation and make her feel safe emotionally,
which is the prerequisite to what will be available inside of the bedroom.
(02:58):
Well, just go look at all the other videos on this channel. But assuming that
you're doing that and you're starting to see success and things are starting
to get better and you want to understand how to expand the restaurant,
how to get it open more hours, how to get it open more days of the week, more times of the day,
how to get things that are on the menu that have been taken off,
(03:20):
added or things that have never been on the menu placed on the menu and how
to get those things served with gratitude and appreciation.
Appreciation and enthusiasm and respect.
Well, here are the tips that I have for you. Okay. So the first thing that you
have to understand is that this is a very hormonal thing.
It's a very hormonal thing for you. It's mostly about testosterone.
(03:44):
It's a very hormonal thing for her. We've got to become her hormone dealer.
We've got to be dealing her vasopressin, oxytocin, serotonin,
testosterone, and estrogen.
If you need help with that, this channel is full of videos about how to do that.
I'm going to come out with a video later called How to Be Her Hormone Dealer,
(04:07):
and I'm going to talk just about that.
But right now, just go look in my channel. Now, the thing is,
is once that hormonal table has been set, then the next thing that you've got
to understand is you've got to prepare her for intimacy.
You don't just sit around the house lazy all day or come breezing in seven,
eight o'clock at night after a hard day's work, snap your fingers and say,
(04:30):
let's do it. That's not how this thing works.
Women need to be warmed up. They need to be.
So how do you warm her up? Well, what I'm going to tell you,
having served her the proper hormones,
having been the man, having made her feel safe and loved and seen and heard
and and protected, like you're the guardian of her soul, and you're the protector
(04:53):
of her emotional health.
You sit down with her in the morning, and you talk to her. You don't read the
paper. You don't be on your phone. You're not scrolling Facebook.
You're not checking email. You're not working. You give her your presence.
You give her your attention.
You share the morning with her, and at some point during that morning,
you smile, and you say something like, Like, hey, it would be really great if
(05:16):
we could be intimate tonight.
Now, when you do that, you set off a chain of events in her head because now she's ready to prepare.
And this is the way that women come at sex. It's not just a drop of the hat,
unfortunately, like it may have been early in your marriage.
In this time of your marriage, she needs time to prepare.
(05:36):
And so what does it mean for her to prepare? Well, she's going to start preparing herself mentally.
And what that means is that she's got to get things cleared off of her plate.
She needs to know that the house is in the right order, that the bills are in
the right order, that the kids are in the right order.
That all of these things are good so that she can relax, she can stop thinking
(05:58):
about these 10,000 things that are on her head, and then she can actually focus
and concentrate and relax into the intimate experience with you.
Now, the smart husband is going to help her do that.
So without being robotic about it and saying, okay, great, we can do it tonight.
What do I need to do to help help you prepare, that's not a great thing to do.
(06:21):
A great thing to do would be to generally be helpful around the house anyway.
Generally be looking out for her anyway.
Genuinely be understanding her and caring about her and noticing her and seeing
her so that she is seen and heard and keeping this stuff at a low hum anyway
(06:41):
so that there's not this pile of things that need to happen for her to be able to say,
I can relax into the intimacy that we're having tonight.
But that being said, it does not hurt to be a little bit extra attentive.
It does not hurt to be a little bit more communicative. If you work in the house,
come up behind her, put your arms around her, kiss her on her neck.
(07:05):
And then just do whatever she's doing. If she's making lunch,
help her make lunch. If she's doing the dishes, help her do the dishes.
And just be generally aware and attentive of things that need to happen to get
the house in the order that she needs it to be in to be able to relax into that
intimacy and help her with that cause.
Now, if you're at work and you can't do that, you're going to be sending her texts.
(07:28):
You're going to be checking in. And it's not like sending her sexting texts
or anything like that. It's just maybe one or two extra texts.
Hey, was thinking about you, just wanted to make sure you're having a good day.
I love you or whatever, something like that.
And so this warming her up is getting her to a point where she can relax into
this, but in the same space.
(07:49):
Don't be disappointed if when you come home, the kids are at the house and she
is not in some negligee where you had fantasized that she had said,
move the kids to the neighbor's house to spend the night.
And she's got candles lit and she's got a negligee and all those kinds of things
because many, many women are not comfortable initiating.
(08:10):
And so you're not going to push her into that or condemn her or criticize her
for not doing it. You're going to be the initiator.
And now, as I have a podcast about Lead Your Wife, leadyourwife.com,
go listen to that podcast.
And there's videos here that reflect it. you are the chief initiating officer
in your marriage. You're the leader, man.
(08:32):
That's the way God made you. And inside of that space, you are to lead.
Now, is it a welcome gift if she initiates? Of course.
Somebody initiates this action and not get your feelings hurt or start going
into some kind of a mood that's going to kill the mood for her if she doesn't
remember, Remember, if it's not top of mind, like, yes,
(08:53):
you did talk to her about it. Yes, she is preparing.
Yes, she has a lot on her. Yes, she may have forgotten by the time you get home.
So remind her when you get home.
Walk up to her. Give her a nice hug. Give her a nice kiss. Whisper something in her ear.
Like, I can't wait to be with you. And just help her understand that this is
(09:14):
the direction that we're moving in, that we've agreed to move since this morning,
so that she feels pursued.
She feels seen. She feels set apart.
She feels sanctified.
Like, what you're about to do honors God. God created this for your enjoyment.
He created it for His glory. And so inside of that space, what you're about to do is holy.
(09:39):
What you're about to do is beautiful. What you're about to do is wonderful.
And so just bring that energy into these interactions that you're having with
her as you're preparing for this event.
Now, as this is happening, what I want you to do is I want you to do your level
best to make it sweet, to make it tender, to make it loving, to make it romantic,
(10:02):
not to make it like, God forbid, you might have seen on some pornographic movie.
That is not what warms the heart of women.
That is not oftentimes, even inside of a loving Christian marriage,
I don't believe it's what God expects or intended us to do. He expects us to
weld ourselves together.
(10:23):
He expects our two hearts, minds, souls, and bodies to become one.
And he expects that to happen in a beautiful, soft, tender, romantic,
loving embrace and shared time where we're literally living out the biblical
verse, the two shall become one.
And inside of that space, when she feels cared for and she feels safe and she
(10:45):
feels feels loved, and she feels your strength, but yet she feels your tenderness,
this is what's going to be your best chance to go forward.
And not only that, it's going to be your best chance the next time in the morning
you say, hey, it would be really great if we made love tonight,
or I'm really missing you, I'd really love to be with you tonight, or something like that.
(11:07):
Like if she remembers how she was treated so lovingly and so tenderly and so
patiently, then what she's going
going to do is she's going to be more likely to say yes in the future.
Okay. And then here's something that I want to talk about that is not often
talked about. And it's this subject of aftercare.
What is aftercare?
Aftercare is that after she has shared with you all of her most intimate gifts,
(11:31):
she's been vulnerable. She's completely exposed herself.
She's literally allowed you inside her body.
And then what often happens is that there's this kind of hormonal shift that
occurs in the man that says, okay, I've done that, and maybe I want to do it again.
And I know this really puts off a lot of women. They're like,
(11:52):
for goodness sake, we just did it last night, and you're asking me again this morning.
And what I'm going to tell you is that if your wife is not into that,
do yourself a favor and do her a favor and don't bring it up again in the morning.
You don't need to tell her that because she just gave you everything she has to give.
And there's this biological thing wired into us to procreate.
(12:15):
And it's like your body thinks, hey, I found a willing mate and she let me do that.
Let's do that as many times as possible. and that way we can procreate as a
man, experience some tenderness, experience some empathy, understand if she's
not into it. Now, man, she might be into it.
And if she's into it, then good for you, man.
(12:36):
But if you know she's not into it, then just keep your mouth shut about it.
And you don't have to communicate that to her.
You don't have to communicate every thought that comes into your head,
whether it's the big one or the little one.
So here's the thing, man, And this concept of aftercare, it goes far beyond
that. She is vulnerable.
She is tender.
(12:57):
And what she wants to see is that you're not just using her and losing her.
She wants to see that after sharing her most intimate gift with you,
that you're responding with a little bit more tenderness, a little bit more
patience, a little bit more love.
Love and so all of the things that i teach on this channel
(13:19):
about how to get your face in the right place and how to
look at her and how to talk to her and how to interact with
her so that she feels better in every interaction you need
to crank that up for the aftercare and the aftercare lasts all day now you might
say bob this really isn't fair you're telling me that for 5 or 10 or 20 or 30
or 50 whatever it is for you and her minutes of pleasure i've got to spend one
(13:43):
whole whole day warming her up,
and then another whole day just making sure that she feels loved as she's feeling
vulnerable after giving me this gift.
And I'm going to say, absolutely, man. That's how you be a loving husband.
That's how you understand her. 1 Peter 3, 7, if you don't understand her,
your prayers are hindered.
(14:04):
So what I'm doing here, I believe the Holy Spirit has put this on my heart to tell you, man.
That understanding her means empathizing with the fact that being completely
naked, vulnerable, exposed, wide open, and allowing you inside of her body has an emotional toll.
Soul and what she needs to know is that you are
her man forever and you will treat her
(14:26):
like a wife you will treat her like a
queen especially when she is feeling exposed
and vulnerable and tender don't miss this part man because if you miss this
part what's going to happen and if you're like most guys out there what you're
going to do is you're just going to you're just going to come in and you're
going to be like hey let's do this and she's not in the mood and then you're
(14:48):
pouty and then you're angry.
And then what am I supposed to do? And where am I supposed to go?
What am I supposed to do to get it? And then she finally relents. And then you do that.
And then you get up and you go watch TV or you get on the computer and you start working.
And then you completely ignore her and you're not tender with her.
There is a 48-hour cycle around this inside a loving Christian marriage with
(15:12):
the average loving Christian woman.
And I'm speaking from the experience of 25,000 men who I have had conversations with this about.
It is not just your wife. It is every wife.
And inside of that space, as the man, as the leader, as the king of your kingdom,
this is what God requires of us in order
(15:32):
to lead our wife into this sexual relationship where she can flourish.
Now, what am I talking about when I say flourish? What I'm talking about is
here's a little known fact, brother.
It is possible to get that restaurant open more days of the week than she ever imagined possible.
(15:53):
It is possible to get that restaurant open all hours of the day and night.
First thing in the morning, last thing at night, in the middle of the day at lunch.
And maybe she doesn't even think that's possible. Maybe she's one of those women
who is like, I can only do it when the house is perfect and I lay down in bed
and I'm ready to go to sleep.
You might be a morning guy. You might be disappointed that you don't get to do it in the morning.
(16:18):
Well, here's what I have to tell you, man. Inside the context of a loving Christian relationship.
If you are not pushing, if you are not demanding, but in fact what you are doing
is leading with love, it is possible to get that morning slot open.
It is possible to get multiple slots per day open.
(16:38):
Sometimes, maybe not, maybe not your wife. Here's the thing about women, man.
Every woman has an absolute limit as to how often the restaurants open,
how many times per day, what times it's going to happen, what's on the menu and how it's prepared.
But what I'm trying to encourage you with, there is a potential for growth.
There's a potential where she can grow into more of all of those things if she is treated well.
(17:05):
Now, this is treated well outside the context of the sexual union,
and it is treated well during this 48 hours that kind of surround the sexual union.
Opinion, if you do that, what's going to happen is that she is going to feel
loved and she is going to feel responded to, seen, heard, held, cherished.
(17:26):
And inside of that space, she is going to start relaxing some of these things.
And before you know it, things that used to be on the menu that have been taken off get put back on.
And before you know it, it's open more and it's open longer.
Now, here's the number one thing that I want to tell you, man.
Don't break your sex life. Do not break your sex life.
(17:49):
It is so easy to break. All you have to do is show extreme disappointment in
your wife sexually, and she will be broken.
And when that happens, you can kiss your sex life goodbye because she's already
a little bit embarrassed.
She's already a little bit vulnerable. And now here you come along like a wrecking
ball and tell her that she's not any good at it, or she's not enough,
(18:11):
or she's not valuable in that department.
What would you do, man? What would you do? You would probably just shut down.
And if it happened at all, it would just be obligatory if you're even able to perform. form.
This is a mistake I've seen thousands and thousands and thousands of men make.
They go to their wife and they say, look, this isn't working for me.
(18:33):
You're not working for me. You're not enough for me sexually.
And let me tell you something, man. If you go look at pornography.
That's what you're telling your wife.
And let me tell you something else. You better imagine that Jesus is looking
over your shoulder when you're doing it.
You better imagine that he's disgusted with you and he's brokenhearted over
the fact that you're breaking your wife. Because let me tell you something else.
(18:56):
In this day and age, this video is being made in 2024.
Every device reflects everything everywhere. You will get caught.
There is history. There are traces. There are cookies. There are ads.
There are you name it, man.
You start looking at that garbage. You are going to get caught.
And when she sees you looking at it, what she is going to say is I'm I'm not enough for him.
(19:19):
Obviously, I'm not enough for him. He needs to go look at that.
So what am I even doing? Why am I even trying? I'm already a little bit embarrassed.
I'm already a little bit feeling vulnerable.
I'm already feeling like I'm not enough. And now all he's doing is confirming it.
And so inside of that space, man, be very, very careful with your wife's sexual identity.
(19:41):
Be very careful with your wife. Her sexuality is very tender.
It is very easily broken.
You don't just come storming in and making demands about more frequency or more
times or more things on the menu or more enthusiasm or what she's wearing or
what she's doing or what she's saying because you can break her very easily.
(20:01):
And this is especially true in the confines of a Christian marriage with a good Christian woman.
Like, this is not some woman who was out there with 1,700 men before she met
you, more often than not.
This is a woman who either had very few partners or saved herself for marriage.
She doesn't have a lot of confidence in this department, and she's easily broken.
(20:23):
Do not break her, my brother. Now, finally, here's what I want to talk about.
I want to talk about technique. technique.
So what technique am I talking about? Well, here's the thing.
If you want this to happen more often, obviously it needs to be pleasurable and enjoyable for her.
And I'm not going to go into all the details of that, but what I'll tell you
(20:43):
is in with my conversations with the 25,000 men, the one book that has come
up over and over and over about technique is a book called She She Comes First.
It's by Ian Kerner.
I-A-N-K-E-R-N-E-R.
Ian Kerner.
Read that book if you're worried about your technique. And let me tell you something, man.
(21:04):
These men who I've spoken with, they come back and they report going from zero
to hero in that department.
And it's not all about that, man. It's all about everything else I've said.
But when you get to the bottom line, God created this for our pleasure.
And the more pleasure you can give her, the more pleasure she will want and desire.
So all of this has been about making it pleasurable for her.
(21:27):
So here's what you do, man. I want you to love your wife as Christ loved the
church with your heart and your mind and your soul.
And I want you to love her like she is tender and easily broken and with great patience for 10,
12, 24 hours leading up to lovemaking and 10, 12, 24 hours after the lovemaking. Do that, man.
(21:52):
And I promise you, the restaurant will open.
The restaurant will open longer, more days of the week, more times of the day.
More things will show up on that menu and
those items will be prepared with love
and appreciation and tenderness and kindness with
an eye towards your pleasure now if you're not in a space where any of this
(22:13):
is even anything that you can even start because your wife is shut down because
your wife is hurting because your wife is heading towards separation or divorce
then what i want you to do is go to www.realmanrevolution.com.
Www.realmanrevolution.com. Fill out the application.
We don't work with every man. We only work with the men we know we can help.
(22:37):
If you're selected, we'll get on the phone or a Zoom call with you and we'll
sit down and we'll talk about it and see if you're a fit.
So go to www.realmanrevolution.com and I'll see you on the other side.
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