January 29, 2024 • 18 mins
In this enlightening episode, host Bob Gerace uncovers essential strategies for successfully navigating marital communication, especially in moments of strain or misunderstanding. Providing valuable insights into emotional triage and relationship repair, the episode underscores the significance of not just what you communicate but how you communicate it, with an emphasis on empathy, patience, and respectful boundaries.
As the chief initiating officers in repair activities, men are encouraged to be deliberate and anticipate possible rejection as a part of the process. The episode dives into the key role of clear and honest communication in preserving long-term relationships, guiding men on expressing remorse and taking responsibility, as well as persevering through repeated rejection to restore balance and harmony.
By highlighting the importance of personal accountability and inner growth, Bob Gerace stresses the need to break repetitive patterns of hurt and to provide assurance of a blissful, unwavering union. The episode further emphasizes the power of maintaining integrity in the face of unjust accusations and nurturing growth rooted in prayer and communion with God.
Lastly, the presenter draws attention to the significance of a shared vision for the future of the marriage. A testament to the temporary nature of current issues and a blueprint for a happier future, a common plan comprising missions, values, targets, and goals reassures a spouse of the strength and longevity of the relationship. This episode serves as a vital guide for men keen on reinforcing their marital bonds of trust and love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everyone, it's Bob Gerace and I'm going to tell you how to talk to your
wife in this video and in particular how to talk to her when you have stepped
on a rake in your marriage where something is broken.
She's exploding. She's furious. She just doesn't even want to see you.
She's like, get out of my space.
Get out of my sight. I'm so angry with you.
(00:22):
It's like, what do you do inside of that space?
And what I'm going to tell you inside of that space is the number one thing
is not even what you say, man.
It's how you say it. And I talked about that in yesterday's video.
I gave you some tools. I gave you some techniques. I gave you some hacks.
And again, I told you very upfront, that is not the way to be an elite level
(00:44):
husband. She will see through them eventually.
But what I'm trying to do is give you some emergency triage.
So inside of that emergency triage, if you watch that video,
if you learn to use those hacks, if you learn how to make the felt emotions
that are inside of your body expressed on the outside of your body in a way
(01:04):
that makes her feel safe and loved and able to be vulnerable.
Well, then what you say is going to land very differently.
But what you say is critically important. It's just not important if you don't
have your inner game right.
But assuming you get your inner game right, let's talk about what happens when she shuts down.
And now I'm not talking about a long-term shutdown where she hasn't talked to
(01:27):
you for weeks and she's like in her bedroom on her phone with the door locked,
moved out of your bedroom.
I mean, that's a completely different conversation.
What I'm talking about is what happens when you're in a normal marriage or you're
in a rocky marriage, but you're up and down and all of a sudden this bickering
or this argument or this fight breaks And inside of that space,
(01:51):
she shuts down and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
Now, first, let me tell you what not to do. The last thing you want to do is
keep pushing, whether it's begging, whether it's pleading, whether it's crying,
whether it's logic, whether it's threatening,
whether it's standing outside the bathroom door, banging on it and yelling with
(02:13):
her in there, sobbing, sitting on the toilet, like none of that stuff is going to work, man.
And I know you desperately want to try to fix this.
You desperately want to try to make it right. Right. And you get caught up in
that and the testosterone starts flowing and you start pushing.
And man, that's going to shut her down like for weeks on her phone in her own
bedroom on social media, looking up her boyfriend in high school.
(02:37):
You don't want to do that.
What you want to do is you want to say, look, I understand you don't want to
talk about this right now. And I respect that.
And I will give you some space. Ace, I just want you to know that I am ready
to talk about this the minute that you are.
I want to own it. I want to take responsibility. And when you're ready, I'm ready.
(02:58):
Some flavor of that. It doesn't even have to be that long.
I get it. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here. I'll be present. I'll be available.
You know what? Just say, look, I get it. You don't want to talk about this right
now. When you're ready, I'm here.
That's all you got to say, man. And she can be yelling, I'm not going to be
ready and you're a jerk or whatever it is.
(03:19):
It doesn't matter. That needs to be said.
Now, why does that need to be said?
It needs to be said because there's this larger game that is being played and
you've got to understand it and you've got to be aware of it.
And what that game is, is when you have hurt her or broken her trust or made
her furious, curious like what the average woman is going to do is she is going to shut down to you,
(03:45):
which is a way of running away from you to see if you will chase her. Now, wait a minute, Bob.
Wait, I thought you just said don't don't chase. Don't push.
Well, no, man, you don't chase and push in the moment. You respect her boundaries
and you give her the space.
But what you're going going to do is you are then going to shift into another gear.
(04:08):
And this other gear is going to be you go back to your life.
You're a happy, positive, confident, abundant man who is taking care of his
children, being kind to the animals, kind to the children, kind to the neighbors
or whatever, being kind to his wife.
If she sneezes and you're standing next to the tissue box, box,
(04:29):
absolutely hand her a tissue.
Say, God bless you, whatever it is. Your normal day-to-day conversations.
Like, you know, what should we cook for dinner? Would you prefer to go out?
Like, you know, this weekend, I don't have to work, so I was thinking maybe we would go do this.
And the thing is, is she may be giving you the hand to the face.
She may be telling you she doesn't want to talk to you.
(04:52):
And if that's the case, you take a cue and you dial it down.
Down, but what I'm going to tell you is the number one mistake that men make
in this place is that they either go all the way, and they push her to the point
where she's wondering if she needs to call the police,
or they go all the way the other way, and they completely ignore her.
(05:13):
Look, the test is that you find the balance. The test is that you find your
way back to her in a way that makes her feel safe.
This is slow. This is subtle. It's just like when you were dating her.
You didn't take her out on the first date and the minute she got in her car,
start pawing her all over and slobbering all over her and expecting to consummate a marriage.
(05:36):
It went slowly. It went carefully. You read her signals. You took feedback.
You looked at her. You tried to figure out, is she ready to be touched?
Is she ready for me to hold her hand? Is she ready to be kissed?
And this is what she needs. It's just the same game on a different level.
This different level is the idea that you have hurt her and you need to win her back in that moment.
(06:00):
And so what we're going to do is we're going to move slowly and we're going
to move carefully but we are going to move deliberately.
And that means like a man, you must face the rejection.
You are going to get rejected. You are going to initiate. Hey,
go check out my podcast, leadyourwife.com.
(06:22):
I talk about in there, you're the chief initiating officer. You're the chief
marital repair officer.
You're the chief sexual officer. You're the chief everything.
You are the the leader, man.
And so as you are executing your duties as the chief initiating and marital
repair officer, you are going to initiate trying to repair this problem and
(06:45):
she is going to reject you.
And so the things that I'm going to tell you to say here, don't be surprised
if you get shut down and shot down and or pushed away or ridiculed or cold shoulder
or no response or whatever when I tell you to do them.
But these things need to be said and they are proven and tested over the 20,000
(07:07):
men who I have helped over the time of my career.
These are the things that work. Maybe not immediately, but they work. So here's what you do.
When she shuts down, I already told you how to handle that. When you get her
to open back up, maybe it's been 12 hours.
You've given her some space. You come back. You say, hey, I understand you didn't
(07:28):
want to talk about this. I just want to remind you that I'm still here.
I'm still ready to talk. I still would like to talk this out.
There are some things that are unsaid. Can we continue yesterday's conversation?
There's a lot of ways you can say it. And again, you're not going to say it
the way that I'm saying it to you here, man.
This is man to man. Like you're going to say it, go watch that video about how to talk to her.
(07:51):
And that's how you're going to say it. And when you say it, eventually,
after maybe you get rejected 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 times, whatever.
Eventually it is going to open her up and she is going to start talking.
And the first thing that needs to come out of your mouth is some variation of
how it breaks my heart that I broke yours.
(08:14):
How I am so hurt over my behavior that hurt you because it was never my intention.
I never planned to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.
I would take a thousand times the hurt that I have given you in this action
so that you would not have to feel that hurt.
Some version of this, that you are hurt, that you are broken,
(08:37):
that you are hurting, that you are ashamed, that you are embarrassed over the
way that you have hurt her because that was never your intention.
Now, the next thing is, is that you've got to say, and that's on me.
This is my fault. Look, man, get rid of everything in your vocabulary that says it's your fault.
(08:58):
If you wouldn't have, if you would have, everybody else says it should have been okay.
The internet says you shouldn't be hurt over this.
I did this to you before and you didn't get hurt over it. any kind of blaming,
shaming, defending, deflecting, that's got to go out the window.
You've got to be talking about how you take responsibility and ownership of your own behavior.
(09:23):
Why? Because if you don't, she has no confidence that this is not going to stop
or that it is going to stop.
She doesn't think it's going to stop because if you don't think you did anything
wrong, and you're just trying to kind of psychobabble her in or gaslight her
into believing that you didn't do anything wrong,
(09:45):
well, then if she doesn't believe you did anything that you believe you did
anything wrong, well, then you're not going to change the behavior.
So if you admit the behavior, if you tell the truth, if you take ownership,
then at least she She knows that you know what you did and you are sorry and
repentant and you don't want to repeat that behavior.
(10:07):
And now she has some level of confidence that it is not going to continue.
Inside of that space, you have made a massive pivot off of this problem.
Now, look, man, again, I'm going to give you a lot of counsel here.
Here's what it is. Number one, none of this works. If your inner man isn't right,
go watch the how to talk to you video.
(10:29):
Number two, you can't use this over and over and over and over again.
At some point, you've got to grow up. At some point, you've got to treat her
right. At some point, you've got to stop hurting her.
And if this is few and far between, then you can use this little checklist every single time.
But if you're hurting her every week, every month, if it's continual,
(10:50):
you can't say the same thing over and over and expect it to work.
You've got to find different variations of it. You've got to find ways of saying
the same thing with different words.
But listen, man, the ultimate thing is to just grow up, man up,
king up, become this elite level husband so that you don't keep hurting her.
But that said, let's continue. We talked about admit the truth.
(11:12):
We talked about don't blame her. We talked about don't call her out.
And whatever you do, for goodness sake, do not say, hey, I'm miserable in this marriage too.
Hey, this marriage is hard for me too. Hey, I don't even know if I want to stay
in this marriage either. Man, you are the chief certainty officer.
Go watch leadyourwife.com. You're the chief certainty officer.
(11:34):
You're always outpacing her certainty. If you don't have certainty that this
marriage can and will succeed in a state of bliss, she will never believe that.
Because if you believe it 100%, she's always going to be 70 or 80.
If you only believe it at 40, man, you're already lost.
So do not pile on to her unhappiness in the marriage, trying to get her back
(11:58):
and saying, well, you're not happy.
Well, I'm not happy either. It's the worst thing you can do.
Now, look, what I want to talk about next is that you've got to be real.
Inside this brotherhood, we live by a code. We are real. We are raw.
We are relevant. And we get results.
And being real means stop the lying. Stop lying to yourself.
(12:21):
If you failed your wife, man up and admit it. And let me tell you something, man.
Even if what she's mad about is something you did not do, this is a classic
one. Let's say, you know, you quit smoking 10 years ago and her friend told
you or told her that she saw you smoking.
So you come home and you walk into the buzzsaw and she's furious that you would
(12:43):
smoke and do it behind her back and break your promise to stop smoking.
And nothing could be further from the truth. You didn't smoke.
How is that your fault? How do you own that? How do you take ownership and admit it?
Well, here's what you got to do. you got to take ownership and admit the fact
that you have not built a culture of trust in your marriage,
where if somebody calls and tells her that, her first thought is, I don't believe it.
(13:07):
He would never do that because he is so trustworthy and he is so honest.
I refuse to believe it. And when you get home, you get a little gentle.
Hey, you know what? Mary said she saw you smoking a cigarette. Isn't that crazy?
And she knows that you will tell her the truth and you will even say,
say, well, you know what? I failed and I smoked it.
Or you're going to say, you know what? That's not true.
(13:28):
And that's the end of it because you have built the culture of an elite level
marriage because you have been an elite level husband.
So this is always your fault, man. You are the leader inside this marriage and you create a culture.
So if you never lie and you tell the truth and you live in integrity,
well, then you're building a system to where you're going to avoid a lot of of these problems.
(13:51):
Now, you've got to do the work. When I talk about do the work,
look, the how to talk to her video is going to be very helpful for you,
but it's just the tip of the iceberg.
We go through hours and hours and hours of this in our program.
We have an amazing tool set that helps you get into your subconscious and figure
out why you're lying and why you're hurting and why you're raging and why you're
(14:13):
not certain and why you're living in scarcity and why you're weak and why you're
broken and why why you can't show up as a husband,
and then gives you the answers for how to actually fix those problems.
Like what I'm giving you here is just the tip of the iceberg.
So make sure that you actually do the work and become that inner man who has
(14:34):
risen to king level, and then do the outer work to become that outer man who has risen to king level.
And I want you to pray about this, man. And inside of our tools,
the entire process is a process of prayer and communal with God.
It's communing with the Holy Spirit and being able to hear him more clearly
than you've ever heard him before, because the Holy Spirit is going to give
(14:57):
you step-by-step exactly what you need in order to solve your marital problems.
And you know, the problem is, is most guys can't have that level of conversation
and they don't know what to ask.
So what we do is we train you inside of our program exactly what to ask.
And then we give you the tools to facilitate those conversations and to ask.
(15:19):
So the information of the coaching, the information of the videos, that's information.
And that's going to make you a little bit more skilled.
But what you really need is transformation. And that only happens with God.
It only happens when you invite God into the conversation as to how to get transformation. Now.
(15:43):
After you do that work, I want you to tell her what God told you.
I was talking to God about this.
I was praying about this. He convicted me about this. And do not lie.
My brother, I am putting you on your honor. Do not lie to her about this.
She will see through it. She will smell through it. And when you fail,
you'll never be able to use this again.
(16:04):
You only tell her this if you actually did the work.
You actually learned what you needed to learn. you actually communed with the
Holy Spirit, you actually got guidance and inspiration, you actually got convicted,
then you go tell her about that experience.
And if she, especially if she is a believing woman, that's going to go a long
(16:26):
way towards forgiveness.
It's going to go a long way towards trust. Because if she believes that you're
on your face before God and submitting to him, she is much more likely to eventually submit to you.
And before she does, to even give you an opportunity to convert her mindset
and to have any influence over her decisions for the future.
(16:47):
And then speaking of the future, we're going to talk about cascading a future.
You've got to have a vision for how this is going to get better.
You've got to have a vision for how you're going to be happy together.
And you've got to cascade that future. You've got to lay that out in front of
her in a way that is cohesive.
You are the chief executive officer in the marriage.
(17:08):
You're the chief visionary officer, the chief mission officer,
the chief values officer, no different than in your company.
You need to have a vision. You need to have a mission. You need to have values.
You need to have goals. You need to have targets.
You need to have a plan for where this marriage is going.
And so at the end of the conversation, you want to remind her of those things
(17:30):
so that she knows that this current pit that she is in is not a forever pit,
that there is a mountain to be climbed, there is a peak, and at the top of that
mountain she's going to have the marriage and the life that she wants.
And then you go to work and give it to her.
So what I want you to do now is if this video helped you, I want you to like it.
(17:51):
Hit the like button so it'll be shared and other men will benefit.
This has been another chapter from the book of Bob. If you want to learn how
to work with us, go to www.realmanrevolution.com or click any of the links in the comments below.
Hey everyone, it's Bob Gerace and I'm going to tell you how to talk to your
wife in this video and in particular how to talk to her when you have stepped
on a rake in your marriage where something is broken.
She's exploding. She's furious. She just doesn't even want to see you.
She's like, get out of my space.
Get out of my sight. I'm so angry with you.
(00:22):
It's like, what do you do inside of that space?
And what I'm going to tell you inside of that space is the number one thing
is not even what you say, man.
It's how you say it. And I talked about that in yesterday's video.
I gave you some tools. I gave you some techniques. I gave you some hacks.
And again, I told you very upfront, that is not the way to be an elite level
(00:44):
husband. She will see through them eventually.
But what I'm trying to do is give you some emergency triage.
So inside of that emergency triage, if you watch that video,
if you learn to use those hacks, if you learn how to make the felt emotions
that are inside of your body expressed on the outside of your body in a way
(01:04):
that makes her feel safe and loved and able to be vulnerable.
Well, then what you say is going to land very differently.
But what you say is critically important. It's just not important if you don't
have your inner game right.
But assuming you get your inner game right, let's talk about what happens when she shuts down.
And now I'm not talking about a long-term shutdown where she hasn't talked to
(01:27):
you for weeks and she's like in her bedroom on her phone with the door locked,
moved out of your bedroom.
I mean, that's a completely different conversation.
What I'm talking about is what happens when you're in a normal marriage or you're
in a rocky marriage, but you're up and down and all of a sudden this bickering
or this argument or this fight breaks And inside of that space,
(01:51):
she shuts down and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
Now, first, let me tell you what not to do. The last thing you want to do is
keep pushing, whether it's begging, whether it's pleading, whether it's crying,
whether it's logic, whether it's threatening,
whether it's standing outside the bathroom door, banging on it and yelling with
(02:13):
her in there, sobbing, sitting on the toilet, like none of that stuff is going to work, man.
And I know you desperately want to try to fix this.
You desperately want to try to make it right. Right. And you get caught up in
that and the testosterone starts flowing and you start pushing.
And man, that's going to shut her down like for weeks on her phone in her own
bedroom on social media, looking up her boyfriend in high school.
(02:37):
You don't want to do that.
What you want to do is you want to say, look, I understand you don't want to
talk about this right now. And I respect that.
And I will give you some space. Ace, I just want you to know that I am ready
to talk about this the minute that you are.
I want to own it. I want to take responsibility. And when you're ready, I'm ready.
(02:58):
Some flavor of that. It doesn't even have to be that long.
I get it. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here. I'll be present. I'll be available.
You know what? Just say, look, I get it. You don't want to talk about this right
now. When you're ready, I'm here.
That's all you got to say, man. And she can be yelling, I'm not going to be
ready and you're a jerk or whatever it is.
(03:19):
It doesn't matter. That needs to be said.
Now, why does that need to be said?
It needs to be said because there's this larger game that is being played and
you've got to understand it and you've got to be aware of it.
And what that game is, is when you have hurt her or broken her trust or made
her furious, curious like what the average woman is going to do is she is going to shut down to you,
(03:45):
which is a way of running away from you to see if you will chase her. Now, wait a minute, Bob.
Wait, I thought you just said don't don't chase. Don't push.
Well, no, man, you don't chase and push in the moment. You respect her boundaries
and you give her the space.
But what you're going going to do is you are then going to shift into another gear.
(04:08):
And this other gear is going to be you go back to your life.
You're a happy, positive, confident, abundant man who is taking care of his
children, being kind to the animals, kind to the children, kind to the neighbors
or whatever, being kind to his wife.
If she sneezes and you're standing next to the tissue box, box,
(04:29):
absolutely hand her a tissue.
Say, God bless you, whatever it is. Your normal day-to-day conversations.
Like, you know, what should we cook for dinner? Would you prefer to go out?
Like, you know, this weekend, I don't have to work, so I was thinking maybe we would go do this.
And the thing is, is she may be giving you the hand to the face.
She may be telling you she doesn't want to talk to you.
(04:52):
And if that's the case, you take a cue and you dial it down.
Down, but what I'm going to tell you is the number one mistake that men make
in this place is that they either go all the way, and they push her to the point
where she's wondering if she needs to call the police,
or they go all the way the other way, and they completely ignore her.
(05:13):
Look, the test is that you find the balance. The test is that you find your
way back to her in a way that makes her feel safe.
This is slow. This is subtle. It's just like when you were dating her.
You didn't take her out on the first date and the minute she got in her car,
start pawing her all over and slobbering all over her and expecting to consummate a marriage.
(05:36):
It went slowly. It went carefully. You read her signals. You took feedback.
You looked at her. You tried to figure out, is she ready to be touched?
Is she ready for me to hold her hand? Is she ready to be kissed?
And this is what she needs. It's just the same game on a different level.
This different level is the idea that you have hurt her and you need to win her back in that moment.
(06:00):
And so what we're going to do is we're going to move slowly and we're going
to move carefully but we are going to move deliberately.
And that means like a man, you must face the rejection.
You are going to get rejected. You are going to initiate. Hey,
go check out my podcast, leadyourwife.com.
(06:22):
I talk about in there, you're the chief initiating officer. You're the chief
marital repair officer.
You're the chief sexual officer. You're the chief everything.
You are the the leader, man.
And so as you are executing your duties as the chief initiating and marital
repair officer, you are going to initiate trying to repair this problem and
(06:45):
she is going to reject you.
And so the things that I'm going to tell you to say here, don't be surprised
if you get shut down and shot down and or pushed away or ridiculed or cold shoulder
or no response or whatever when I tell you to do them.
But these things need to be said and they are proven and tested over the 20,000
(07:07):
men who I have helped over the time of my career.
These are the things that work. Maybe not immediately, but they work. So here's what you do.
When she shuts down, I already told you how to handle that. When you get her
to open back up, maybe it's been 12 hours.
You've given her some space. You come back. You say, hey, I understand you didn't
(07:28):
want to talk about this. I just want to remind you that I'm still here.
I'm still ready to talk. I still would like to talk this out.
There are some things that are unsaid. Can we continue yesterday's conversation?
There's a lot of ways you can say it. And again, you're not going to say it
the way that I'm saying it to you here, man.
This is man to man. Like you're going to say it, go watch that video about how to talk to her.
(07:51):
And that's how you're going to say it. And when you say it, eventually,
after maybe you get rejected 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 times, whatever.
Eventually it is going to open her up and she is going to start talking.
And the first thing that needs to come out of your mouth is some variation of
how it breaks my heart that I broke yours.
(08:14):
How I am so hurt over my behavior that hurt you because it was never my intention.
I never planned to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.
I would take a thousand times the hurt that I have given you in this action
so that you would not have to feel that hurt.
Some version of this, that you are hurt, that you are broken,
(08:37):
that you are hurting, that you are ashamed, that you are embarrassed over the
way that you have hurt her because that was never your intention.
Now, the next thing is, is that you've got to say, and that's on me.
This is my fault. Look, man, get rid of everything in your vocabulary that says it's your fault.
(08:58):
If you wouldn't have, if you would have, everybody else says it should have been okay.
The internet says you shouldn't be hurt over this.
I did this to you before and you didn't get hurt over it. any kind of blaming,
shaming, defending, deflecting, that's got to go out the window.
You've got to be talking about how you take responsibility and ownership of your own behavior.
(09:23):
Why? Because if you don't, she has no confidence that this is not going to stop
or that it is going to stop.
She doesn't think it's going to stop because if you don't think you did anything
wrong, and you're just trying to kind of psychobabble her in or gaslight her
into believing that you didn't do anything wrong,
(09:45):
well, then if she doesn't believe you did anything that you believe you did
anything wrong, well, then you're not going to change the behavior.
So if you admit the behavior, if you tell the truth, if you take ownership,
then at least she She knows that you know what you did and you are sorry and
repentant and you don't want to repeat that behavior.
(10:07):
And now she has some level of confidence that it is not going to continue.
Inside of that space, you have made a massive pivot off of this problem.
Now, look, man, again, I'm going to give you a lot of counsel here.
Here's what it is. Number one, none of this works. If your inner man isn't right,
go watch the how to talk to you video.
(10:29):
Number two, you can't use this over and over and over and over again.
At some point, you've got to grow up. At some point, you've got to treat her
right. At some point, you've got to stop hurting her.
And if this is few and far between, then you can use this little checklist every single time.
But if you're hurting her every week, every month, if it's continual,
(10:50):
you can't say the same thing over and over and expect it to work.
You've got to find different variations of it. You've got to find ways of saying
the same thing with different words.
But listen, man, the ultimate thing is to just grow up, man up,
king up, become this elite level husband so that you don't keep hurting her.
But that said, let's continue. We talked about admit the truth.
(11:12):
We talked about don't blame her. We talked about don't call her out.
And whatever you do, for goodness sake, do not say, hey, I'm miserable in this marriage too.
Hey, this marriage is hard for me too. Hey, I don't even know if I want to stay
in this marriage either. Man, you are the chief certainty officer.
Go watch leadyourwife.com. You're the chief certainty officer.
(11:34):
You're always outpacing her certainty. If you don't have certainty that this
marriage can and will succeed in a state of bliss, she will never believe that.
Because if you believe it 100%, she's always going to be 70 or 80.
If you only believe it at 40, man, you're already lost.
So do not pile on to her unhappiness in the marriage, trying to get her back
(11:58):
and saying, well, you're not happy.
Well, I'm not happy either. It's the worst thing you can do.
Now, look, what I want to talk about next is that you've got to be real.
Inside this brotherhood, we live by a code. We are real. We are raw.
We are relevant. And we get results.
And being real means stop the lying. Stop lying to yourself.
(12:21):
If you failed your wife, man up and admit it. And let me tell you something, man.
Even if what she's mad about is something you did not do, this is a classic
one. Let's say, you know, you quit smoking 10 years ago and her friend told
you or told her that she saw you smoking.
So you come home and you walk into the buzzsaw and she's furious that you would
(12:43):
smoke and do it behind her back and break your promise to stop smoking.
And nothing could be further from the truth. You didn't smoke.
How is that your fault? How do you own that? How do you take ownership and admit it?
Well, here's what you got to do. you got to take ownership and admit the fact
that you have not built a culture of trust in your marriage,
where if somebody calls and tells her that, her first thought is, I don't believe it.
(13:07):
He would never do that because he is so trustworthy and he is so honest.
I refuse to believe it. And when you get home, you get a little gentle.
Hey, you know what? Mary said she saw you smoking a cigarette. Isn't that crazy?
And she knows that you will tell her the truth and you will even say,
say, well, you know what? I failed and I smoked it.
Or you're going to say, you know what? That's not true.
(13:28):
And that's the end of it because you have built the culture of an elite level
marriage because you have been an elite level husband.
So this is always your fault, man. You are the leader inside this marriage and you create a culture.
So if you never lie and you tell the truth and you live in integrity,
well, then you're building a system to where you're going to avoid a lot of of these problems.
(13:51):
Now, you've got to do the work. When I talk about do the work,
look, the how to talk to her video is going to be very helpful for you,
but it's just the tip of the iceberg.
We go through hours and hours and hours of this in our program.
We have an amazing tool set that helps you get into your subconscious and figure
out why you're lying and why you're hurting and why you're raging and why you're
(14:13):
not certain and why you're living in scarcity and why you're weak and why you're
broken and why why you can't show up as a husband,
and then gives you the answers for how to actually fix those problems.
Like what I'm giving you here is just the tip of the iceberg.
So make sure that you actually do the work and become that inner man who has
(14:34):
risen to king level, and then do the outer work to become that outer man who has risen to king level.
And I want you to pray about this, man. And inside of our tools,
the entire process is a process of prayer and communal with God.
It's communing with the Holy Spirit and being able to hear him more clearly
than you've ever heard him before, because the Holy Spirit is going to give
(14:57):
you step-by-step exactly what you need in order to solve your marital problems.
And you know, the problem is, is most guys can't have that level of conversation
and they don't know what to ask.
So what we do is we train you inside of our program exactly what to ask.
And then we give you the tools to facilitate those conversations and to ask.
(15:19):
So the information of the coaching, the information of the videos, that's information.
And that's going to make you a little bit more skilled.
But what you really need is transformation. And that only happens with God.
It only happens when you invite God into the conversation as to how to get transformation. Now.
(15:43):
After you do that work, I want you to tell her what God told you.
I was talking to God about this.
I was praying about this. He convicted me about this. And do not lie.
My brother, I am putting you on your honor. Do not lie to her about this.
She will see through it. She will smell through it. And when you fail,
you'll never be able to use this again.
(16:04):
You only tell her this if you actually did the work.
You actually learned what you needed to learn. you actually communed with the
Holy Spirit, you actually got guidance and inspiration, you actually got convicted,
then you go tell her about that experience.
And if she, especially if she is a believing woman, that's going to go a long
(16:26):
way towards forgiveness.
It's going to go a long way towards trust. Because if she believes that you're
on your face before God and submitting to him, she is much more likely to eventually submit to you.
And before she does, to even give you an opportunity to convert her mindset
and to have any influence over her decisions for the future.
(16:47):
And then speaking of the future, we're going to talk about cascading a future.
You've got to have a vision for how this is going to get better.
You've got to have a vision for how you're going to be happy together.
And you've got to cascade that future. You've got to lay that out in front of
her in a way that is cohesive.
You are the chief executive officer in the marriage.
(17:08):
You're the chief visionary officer, the chief mission officer,
the chief values officer, no different than in your company.
You need to have a vision. You need to have a mission. You need to have values.
You need to have goals. You need to have targets.
You need to have a plan for where this marriage is going.
And so at the end of the conversation, you want to remind her of those things
(17:30):
so that she knows that this current pit that she is in is not a forever pit,
that there is a mountain to be climbed, there is a peak, and at the top of that
mountain she's going to have the marriage and the life that she wants.
And then you go to work and give it to her.
So what I want you to do now is if this video helped you, I want you to like it.
(17:51):
Hit the like button so it'll be shared and other men will benefit.
This has been another chapter from the book of Bob. If you want to learn how
to work with us, go to www.realmanrevolution.com or click any of the links in the comments below.
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