Do you find yourself overextended and feeling more stressed this time of year? Full calendars, mile long to-do lists paired with never ending activities, events, and gatherings can really run us down.
It's really important to be aware of how we are choosing to spend our energy and be more discerning with our time and energy.
This episode explores the ways we can take back our power and responsibility to keeping our peace and protecting our energy so we can shift back into enjoying this season spending time with those we love and enjoy.
Check out this YouTube Video here. for a special energy protection technique with affirmations to help you keep your Peace.
Let me know what you took from week's episode and what things you may try yourself to protect your energy during this time. Send me a DM and find me on Instagram or Facebook
#protectyourenergy #keepyourpeace #spiritualgrowth #knowyourworth #youareworthy #riseup #raiseyourvibe #energyprotection #selfawareness #selflove #levelup #energy #ownit #standtall #speakup #chooseyou #selfadvocate
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:07):
Hey everyone, it's Chelseawith the Heart AF podcast.
Hope you guys are all doing well.
Look, the holidays are upon us.
It's busy, and I really wanted to takethe time to talk about how we can keep our
peace among family gatherings and doingall the things because we tend to feel
like we have to say yes to everything.
(00:28):
There's all these parties and gettogethers and family gatherings, um,
kids plays, performances, class parties.
They meet parent volunteersfor all these things.
And it can be very overwhelming.
It can be very draining.
And also the holidays again,can be a very emotional time.
(00:49):
Especially if you're somebody who isstill grieving or has lost somebody.
The holidays just bring up a lot ofemotions and frustrations, and there's
mile long to-do lists, so you're reallyjust stressing out constantly, like
there's just so much going on thatit's really easy to be overstimulated,
to find yourself in situations whereyou're overcommitted, you're run down,
(01:10):
you're tired, and you're not making timefor yourself, and you're just drained.
I'm here to tell you thatit's okay to tell people.
Peace out, right?
You really need to learn how toprotect your energy and protect your
peace, because that is importantbecause you don't wanna show up to a
gathering where there are people inthe room that you love, and you're
(01:33):
showing up as this un cared for self.
This self that is stressed to themax who can't be fully present, who
hasn't been taken care of themselvesso you're showing up as probably
not your most lovable self, right?
Like when you are neglecting yourself,you are usually irritable, you're
(01:53):
usually angry, you're usually closedoff, you're not present, you're not able
to give your loved ones your best self.
So, That's why it's important to setboundaries and learn what you can do to
make it through this holiday season inone piece, and also with peace, right?
Peace within yourself, peacewith the people you decide to be
(02:14):
around, and learning how to do thatwhen everybody's asking for your
attention, everybody needs you.
And you need yourself, right?
You need you.
So it's time to bring it back to numberone and making sure that you're taking
care of yourself first so that you cando the things that you choose to do.
And that's a big piece of thisis learning to know that you
do have a choice in everything.
(02:35):
You have a choice to say no.
You have a choice to make compromises.
You have a choice to cut outtoxic people from your life.
You have a choice.
To keep your peace.
Okay, so let's break down whatthis looks like and what we can
do when we're in these scenarioswhere we need to protect our peace.
(02:58):
The first thing is really knowingthat you can say no, you are not
responsible for other people's feelings.
So I know a lot of times certain friendsor family members might try to guilt
trip you into doing something right?
Whether it's asking a favor of you,maybe they're asking you to pick them
up at the airport, or it could be,um, you know, insisting that you make
(03:19):
something to this gathering or that youhave to be at this certain gathering.
It's okay for you to say no, and it's alsookay for you to not respond right away.
So often people like to ask youthings to where you're pressured
to wanna say yes right away.
And I want you to practice takinga moment that when somebody asks
you something to really pauseand say, let me think about it.
(03:41):
It's a really easy way.
Like make that your go-to,let me think about it.
So you do have time to really checkout your calendar, check what other
obligations you've scheduled for yourself.
Like, what does yourschedule really look like?
And see if you are actually available todo whatever it is they're asking of you.
Whether it's inviting you to adinner or inviting you to a party, or
inviting you to come see their kidsplay, or asking you to bring this
(04:02):
side to an event or whatever it is.
See if it really works for your schedule.
And then ask yourself, isthis really something that
you have the energy to give?
Okay?
Because it's okay to say no, andit's okay to protect yourself.
So if it's overly stress or overcramp your schedule to go do
whatever it is they're asking.
You can say, no, I'm really sorry.
I don't have time, or I'mnot available at that time.
(04:24):
Not gonna be able to do that.
I have a prior engagement.
There's so many things that you can saythat is kind, but also sets the boundary
that you know, no, I can't do this.
Some people might get upset and it's okay.
Right?
Again, I know this can be harder withpeople that we really love, like family.
They may try to guilt trip you,like, oh, I really wanted you to
come pick me up at the airport.
(04:45):
Or, you know, I was reallyhoping you could come, I
really wanted you to be there.
Um, you know, oh, it's just notgonna be any fun if you're not there.
Those kinds of things.
It doesn't matter.
You are not responsiblefor how they feel, okay?
No matter how much guilt they wanna layon you, you do not have to carry that.
That is not on you.
That is them.
They need to figure their shit out.
It's not your responsibility toplacate them and make their happiness,
(05:06):
and that's their responsibility.
It's not yours.
Your responsibility is keeping yourpeace and keeping your happiness.
You really have to build yourselfup and protect yourself from.
there are so many people out there whowanna manipulate and gaslight you and
turn their feelings on to put it allon you and put on your shoulders that
it's your responsibility and it's not.
That is not okay.
That is not loving.
(05:27):
No.
Nope.
Nope.
That is toxic.
So make sure you know thatyou love yourself too, right?
You love yourself and you are gonnaprotect yourself and it's okay to say
no, and it's okay to let them feelhowever they're gonna feel about it.
And you really just haveto let that shit go.
You cannot carry that.
There's kind of this energy techniquekinda like, where you can literally
just wipe it off of your, like aura.
(05:48):
If you, if you will like your energy, likewipe that negative energy like off you.
You can literally do these wipingmotions with your hands and that
act, brushing it off of you reallydoes help kind of take whatever
they're trying to put on you away.
Actually, that reminds me, I do have aYouTube video that that will be linked
into this podcast where I'm gonna giveyou some affirmations to help really
(06:13):
give you that confidence and make surethat you are affirming and deserving
of keeping the peace and knowingthat it is not your responsibility,
like you have to get in that mindset.
So I've got this affirmation list for youto really build upon that and set your
mindset right to make sure that you arelike coming into this season prepared
(06:33):
and knowing how to keep your piece.
Okay.
So look out for that video thatI will be posting the link to in
the description of this podcast.
Protecting your energy andsetting your intentions.
If you really wanna get through thisholiday with having fun and enjoying time
with your loved ones, set that intention.
Set that intention witheverything you're doing.
Like take your time.
(06:54):
Like you don't need a rush.
You don't need to buy a gift for everyone.
Like I, I would hate when I was withthis one group of friends and this
one woman every year was just goingon and on about how sure she is and
how she had to buy presents for likeevery single person in her family.
And I'm sorry, but youdo not have to do that.
If you need to say something ahead oftime to make it known that, Hey, we
(07:14):
are just buying gifts for our kids thisyear, or, Hey, let's do a name drawing.
That way everybody just buys one gift.
And everybody gets a gift, right?
So then nobody's left out.
So do this, especially if you'rehaving a get together where there's
gonna be present exchange, do aname drawing, like it's so easy.
It's so simple.
People feel like we have to buygifts just to buy gifts, right?
(07:34):
And it's just so ingenuine andthere's no thought put into it.
It's just you're buying crapthat doesn't really get used.
Right?
Like, How much have yougotten these gifts, right?
Where people just give you a giftand it's nice to get a gift, right?
But then it's something that either younever open, you never use, or just gets
put in a section of your house thatbuilds up with clutter and you end up
giving it to goodwill or donating it orputting it at a garage sale or re-gifting
(07:55):
it, something to that effect, right?
So really be intentional with your gifts.
Like, yes, it's the season of giving, butit doesn't necessarily mean things, right?
People value your time.
Give your time to those that you wannagive it to and spend it with, like, don't
feel obligated to give your time whereyou know you're not gonna enjoy yourself.
There's so many times where we run intothese, you know, negative situations
(08:18):
or we are putting ourselves intothese toxic environments and we really
don't need to, like you can say no.
So bring me back to what I was saying atthe beginning is you do have the power.
To choose and you havethe power to say no.
Like no is such a magical word.
Like it's okay to say no.
It's okay to say, Hey, this yearwe're doing an intimate Christmas
and I wanna just spend it withmy spouse and my kids this year.
(08:42):
We're gonna keep it a small familyChristmas, but hey, we can still
visit with you on Christmas dayand do like a meal or something.
But we wanna have Christmasmorning to ourselves.
I mean, there's ways to set boundaries.
There's ways to kind ofcome to this compromise.
So if there's people.
Vying for your time or wanting you,and you don't have that much to give,
(09:03):
I want this to be the year where youset those boundaries and you make
compromises instead of depleting yourselfand trying to spread yourself too thin.
By doing everything that everyone'sasking for you, like it's okay to say no.
It's okay to come up with other ideas orsolutions to where you can come to some
kind of compromise where you're stillable to give, you know, the family member
maybe what they want, but also keep yourpeace and get what you want as well.
(09:25):
There's always this like pressureto do what our, especially
like our parents, right?
There's that parental pressure where wefeel like we have to please them and we
have to do what they want because we'relike afraid of them for whatever reason.
But when you're an adult, I'm sorry,you get to make your own decisions.
Okay?
You still love your parents, right?
Hopefully.
(09:46):
Hopefully they are showing you love.
If it's a toxic parent relationship,it might be time to cut that out.
That is okay.
But if it's a relationship that youwanna keep, but you feel like there's
a lot of pressure in these unrealisticexpectations that are placed on you by
somebody that you love and still wannahave in your life, you have to set
boundaries, learn to say no, and learn howto come up with compromises so that you're
(10:09):
not draining yourself and compromisingon your time and your self care.
It's just all about,you know, communicating.
And sometimes that can be hard and it'shard to say no when we've never done it.
But I just really see so manytimes we come into the season where
people are just like so stressed.
People are assholes at the grocerystore even because everybody's in that
state of just this chaotic stress.
(10:30):
I have to do all the things and I'vegotta do this and I've gotta do that,
and I've gotta buy a gift for thisperson and all the teachers and all.
It's like, you really don't.
You really don't.
You don't have to do all thesethings that you think you have to do.
It's totally fine to be low key andfocus on the people that you really care
about and wanna spend time with, whichyou know, it might not even be family.
It could be really close friendsthat have really been there for you.
(10:50):
Those are people that you wanna giveyour energy and your time to, right?
Because time is something that youcan't get back, and time is precious.
So you really do need to be moremindful of what you're spending your
time on and making sure that you are
you know, setting yourself up tospend your time where you wanna
spend it and cutting out thethings that don't really matter.
(11:15):
So, you know, if your friend asksyou to come see her daughter's play,
it doesn't take away how much youcare for them if you don't go right.
Like, you don't, don't feel like youhave to do all these things, right?
Like, it's okay to say no.
It's, it's okay to saysorry I can't make it.
It's totally fine.
Setting time for yourself.
This is another big thing,is you really have to make.
That you set aside time for yourself andmaking sure you're still taking care of
(11:38):
yourself, making sure you're blocking outyour schedule and time to, you know, take
a walk by yourself or making sure thatyou're having time to still like journal
and be by yourself or, you know, makingsure you can go run an errand by yourself
or you're not like trying to micromanagea bunch of people like running errands,
you know, with kids especially, youknow, that is like a nightmare of running
(11:58):
errands, especially with small children.
So, you know, setting aside time blocksto where you can run some errands where
while you know you're on your lunchbreak or while your kids are still at
childcare school or asking a friend or aspouse or, um, a family member to watch
your kids while you go run an errandby yourself and, you know, take your
time and have a coffee or, you know,Find resources and find ways so you're
(12:20):
not adding extra stress and really justmaking sure that you are taking the
time to take care of yourself and askingyourself, what do I really wanna do?
Like maybe you wanna have a lazyday where you're just baking.
Goodies with your kids in the kitchenand you don't wanna go to like a party.
You don't have to go to a partylike say no, like it's totally fine.
(12:42):
Like don't feel obligated to like that.
You have to make an appearance.
Don't feel obligated to volunteer foryour kids, you know, winter party,
like buy a package of cookies at thestore and send them with your child.
Like, I mean, you can find waysto minimize the work you have
to do and minimize your stress.
Like it's totally fine to.
Low key and you know, low stress aboutstuff like, I think it's just ridiculous
(13:06):
when we just really try to meet theseunrealistic expectations or feel like
we have to make homemade all thesethings or make gifts for everybody.
You're making sure we go out and getevery teacher a gift, like No, honestly,
you can go buy like a package of likeStarbucks gift cards that like $5 each.
Hand those out.
Like it's super easy, like you reallydon't have to overcomplicate it.
I'm all about efficiency andgetting things done, and again, only
(13:29):
doing things that you feel calledto do that you really wanna do.
You shouldn't feel obligated to giveyour kids teachers presence, but if
you feel like you want to because youappreciate them and you wanna show your
appreciation, Then find something that'sgonna be really easy for you to do.
Again, like the gift card thing,or just writing a little note.
Like sometimes just writing a handwrittennote, like taking like 30 minutes
(13:50):
and getting a stack of like cardsfrom the dollar store or whatever.
And just like taking a time tojust say thank you to the teachers.
Like that is meaningful, right?
Like there's so many different.
Things that you can do that's not goingout, and just like trying to figure out
what the best gift is for everybody.
Um, a handwritten note I feel like goesa long way for many people that you
may wanna give a gift to this season.
(14:11):
Again, I really just want to reiteratethat you can say no, that you have
choices that, um, you need to protectyour energy and protect your peace.
Like sometimes that meanscutting toxic people outta your.
I know it's a hard thing to do,but let me tell you, your peace and
your wellbeing is totally worth it.
(14:32):
Like I've had to block family members.
Um, this year it was a very hardchoice, but I knew that that's what
I had to do to protect my energybecause I just wasn't gonna get
dragged down by these toxic people.
I just, I didn't need that, right?
Like, I don't need to be draggedinto their drama and whatever they're
dealing with, I let them know like,Hey, when you're ready to face the
truth and ready to deal with, Isactually going on instead of just lying
(14:54):
about it and causing all this drama.
I'll be here for you when you'reready to like work on that, but
until then, I don't have anythingelse to say and the person just.
Wanting to attack me and likebring me down and trying to
just, just overly dramatic.
And I just was like, like I, I didn'teven say anything back after that.
It's like I already said mypiece and I blocked them.
I'm not dealing with it.
Right?
Like, I don't, I don'tneed to take on your stuff.
(15:15):
I've got my own shit to worry about.
So, goodbye.
Like, good day, sir.
And that's okay.
You can do that withfamily members or friends.
Like if there is somebody whois eating away at you and eating
away at your piece, like it's.
To cut the them outta your life.
Um, there's differentways you can do that.
So if somebody is trying to push yourbuttons, maybe they are questioning you
(15:36):
or being passive aggressive with you, likemaybe you are trying to change and trying
to stand up for yourself more and setthese boundaries like I'm talking about
and you're saying no, and you know, youare trying to come up with compromises and
you are using your power to make choicesand people are gonna be resistant to that.
They like the old you, they like the youthat they can walk all over and that they
(15:57):
can get what they want from you, right?
And when that starts changing,they're gonna start challenging you.
When people challenge you, when they'repushing your buttons and trying to get
under your skin and trying to createa reaction outta you, again, I wanna
let you know you have the power, right?
Don't let them take your power bygetting all riled up and upset about it.
Right?
(16:18):
Take a breath, pause and either taketime to respond or don't respond at all.
You owe them nothing.
You don't have to explain yourself ifthey are really just trying to put you
down or question you, or if they'retrying to say things to you that are
having you question and doubt yourself.
You need to excuse yourself.
You need to cut ties with this, and itdoesn't mean that you're necessarily
(16:41):
blocking them or cutting them out ofyour life forever, but there are ways
to handle yourself so that you'renot getting all upset and frustrated.
It's okay to not respond.
So let, if it's not a face to faceconfrontation, let's say they're texting
you or maybe they're calling you and don'tanswer, right, don't answer the call,
you don't have to respond to their text.
(17:01):
Or you can take some time and maybethink of a way to respond to them
in a kind manner or to give thema general answer where you're not
responding to what they're tryingto get you to respond to, right?
Like you're avoiding that confrontation.
Or I should say, you're not engagingwith how they're trying to challenge you.
You're not engaging with howthey're trying to pick a fight
(17:22):
with you, essentially, right?
Like you do not have to fight with them.
This is not a fight.
This is you choosing yourself, choosingto love yourself, and choosing to give
yourself peace rather than showingup by being this drained, stressed.
Person.
You don't like to be like, you want toenjoy this season with the people that
(17:42):
you love, and that means saying no andchoosing where you spend your time.
And when people wanna challenge you andmake you feel bad, that's their problem.
That's them like going throughwhatever they need to process.
They, you don't have to dealwith that, that is not yours
to figure it out for them.
So again, you can ignore them.
You can take some time and respondmore thoughtfully in a neutral manner.
(18:07):
You can do what I call, like, let'ssay it's an in-person confrontation.
Maybe they're like tryingto like attack you.
It's a technique called gray rock.
So gray rock means you're not showingemotion, you're standing your ground.
So there was a situation where thishappened with somebody once and I had set
some boundaries and they didn't like it.
They were like trying to talk circlesaround me and trying to intimidate me.
(18:30):
And I just stayed neutral.
I just stayed doing what I was doing.
You know, they were trying tointerrupt me and engage me,
and I just did not engage back.
I just stood my ground.
I didn't react, like Ididn't give my power away.
It wasn't a time for me to like, youknow, scream back and like, you know,
they were trying to say things to hurtme and I just kind of stayed focused
on whatever I was doing in that momentand not giving them that attention.
(18:51):
And eventually they stopped.
Right.
And.
It was later they approached me, we wereable to have a more adult conversation
about it and get to a solution, right?
So there are people who might try totry those tactics and stay in your power
and know that you don't have to givein to those emotions or frustrations.
And sometimes that can be reallychallenging and hard, and I would
(19:12):
like to challenge you to really takecontrol and stand your ground and
stay in your power, and let's say itdoes elicit some emotions for you.
If you can do your best to just like,not show the person in the emotion that
you're having this like confrontation orconflict with, and then excusing yourself
to a bathroom or somewhere private whereyou can then, you know, cry or scream
(19:34):
into a pillow or whatever you need to do.
Just be like, you know, to let out theactual emotions you are feeling and then
reminding yourself, that this is them.
This is not you.
And you don't have togive that to them, right?
Like you losing your cool, you losingyour temper and snapping at them and then
going on the defense, like that's throwingall the power back into their court.
Keep the ball in your court and standyour ground and stay calm and neutral.
(19:57):
And the best way I think to do that isreally to practice these affirmations.
And again, I'm gonna send you that in thedescription of the podcast for you to get
that YouTube video where you can learnthese affirmations, say them again in
your head, like recite them and get themin your head to change your mindset to
know that this is, this is for you, thisis for your peace and making sure that
you're able to give yourself a peacefuland stress free, or as stress free as
(20:21):
possible Holiday season where you'rein control, you get to call the shots.
You get to schedule the ti your time, howyou see fit, how you don't have to take
on anybody else's emotions or expectationsthat you can really just focus on
what you need and being more consciousand mindful of where you're spending
your time, where you're saying, yes.
(20:44):
What you're giving your time to, likewhat's you're scheduling for yourself,
making sure that it syncs up and alignswith where you really wanna be with,
where you really wanna spend yourtime and energy so that you're really.
Recouping like the benefits of beingable to keep that peace within you.
And not only that is when you show upto these events and gatherings as your
(21:08):
peaceful, like joyful, bright self becauseyou are making time for your self care
and you're not overextending yourself.
You're gonna show up as this lighter,more beautiful, like peaceful
version of yourself that peopleare gonna be like attracted to.
And it's also gonna help otherpeople around you calibrate to this
more delightful and peaceful state.
(21:29):
So you taking care of yourself andsetting your boundaries and creating
this peaceful space around you isreally like a gift to others as well.
So we're talking about gift giving.
I mean, what better gift to give peoplethan the gift of peace and light?
You being the light and being peacefulis gonna help others around you calibrate
and be in that state of mind as well.
(21:50):
So it's something that you're giving toother people by you giving to yourself.
So keep these things in mind.
Check out the YouTube video whereI give you that affirmation, and I
hope you listen to it, get it intoyour head so that you can repeat
those mantras and empower yourselfand get into the right mindset to
keep your peace through this season.
I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.
(22:12):
Let me know on social media if youtook any great tips from this episode.
Um, find me on Facebook or Instagram@chelsea.vanbuskirk please let
me know what you took away, whatwas helpful, what was not, and
I will see you guys next week.
Peace.
Hey everyone, it's Chelseawith the Heart AF podcast.
Hope you guys are all doing well.
Look, the holidays are upon us.
It's busy, and I really wanted to takethe time to talk about how we can keep our
peace among family gatherings and doingall the things because we tend to feel
like we have to say yes to everything.
(00:28):
There's all these parties and gettogethers and family gatherings, um,
kids plays, performances, class parties.
They meet parent volunteersfor all these things.
And it can be very overwhelming.
It can be very draining.
And also the holidays again,can be a very emotional time.
(00:49):
Especially if you're somebody who isstill grieving or has lost somebody.
The holidays just bring up a lot ofemotions and frustrations, and there's
mile long to-do lists, so you're reallyjust stressing out constantly, like
there's just so much going on thatit's really easy to be overstimulated,
to find yourself in situations whereyou're overcommitted, you're run down,
(01:10):
you're tired, and you're not making timefor yourself, and you're just drained.
I'm here to tell you thatit's okay to tell people.
Peace out, right?
You really need to learn how toprotect your energy and protect your
peace, because that is importantbecause you don't wanna show up to a
gathering where there are people inthe room that you love, and you're
(01:33):
showing up as this un cared for self.
This self that is stressed to themax who can't be fully present, who
hasn't been taken care of themselvesso you're showing up as probably
not your most lovable self, right?
Like when you are neglecting yourself,you are usually irritable, you're
(01:53):
usually angry, you're usually closedoff, you're not present, you're not able
to give your loved ones your best self.
So, That's why it's important to setboundaries and learn what you can do to
make it through this holiday season inone piece, and also with peace, right?
Peace within yourself, peacewith the people you decide to be
(02:14):
around, and learning how to do thatwhen everybody's asking for your
attention, everybody needs you.
And you need yourself, right?
You need you.
So it's time to bring it back to numberone and making sure that you're taking
care of yourself first so that you cando the things that you choose to do.
And that's a big piece of thisis learning to know that you
do have a choice in everything.
(02:35):
You have a choice to say no.
You have a choice to make compromises.
You have a choice to cut outtoxic people from your life.
You have a choice.
To keep your peace.
Okay, so let's break down whatthis looks like and what we can
do when we're in these scenarioswhere we need to protect our peace.
(02:58):
The first thing is really knowingthat you can say no, you are not
responsible for other people's feelings.
So I know a lot of times certain friendsor family members might try to guilt
trip you into doing something right?
Whether it's asking a favor of you,maybe they're asking you to pick them
up at the airport, or it could be,um, you know, insisting that you make
(03:19):
something to this gathering or that youhave to be at this certain gathering.
It's okay for you to say no, and it's alsookay for you to not respond right away.
So often people like to ask youthings to where you're pressured
to wanna say yes right away.
And I want you to practice takinga moment that when somebody asks
you something to really pauseand say, let me think about it.
(03:41):
It's a really easy way.
Like make that your go-to,let me think about it.
So you do have time to really checkout your calendar, check what other
obligations you've scheduled for yourself.
Like, what does yourschedule really look like?
And see if you are actually available todo whatever it is they're asking of you.
Whether it's inviting you to adinner or inviting you to a party, or
inviting you to come see their kidsplay, or asking you to bring this
(04:02):
side to an event or whatever it is.
See if it really works for your schedule.
And then ask yourself, isthis really something that
you have the energy to give?
Okay?
Because it's okay to say no, andit's okay to protect yourself.
So if it's overly stress or overcramp your schedule to go do
whatever it is they're asking.
You can say, no, I'm really sorry.
I don't have time, or I'mnot available at that time.
(04:24):
Not gonna be able to do that.
I have a prior engagement.
There's so many things that you can saythat is kind, but also sets the boundary
that you know, no, I can't do this.
Some people might get upset and it's okay.
Right?
Again, I know this can be harder withpeople that we really love, like family.
They may try to guilt trip you,like, oh, I really wanted you to
come pick me up at the airport.
(04:45):
Or, you know, I was reallyhoping you could come, I
really wanted you to be there.
Um, you know, oh, it's just notgonna be any fun if you're not there.
Those kinds of things.
It doesn't matter.
You are not responsiblefor how they feel, okay?
No matter how much guilt they wanna layon you, you do not have to carry that.
That is not on you.
That is them.
They need to figure their shit out.
It's not your responsibility toplacate them and make their happiness,
(05:06):
and that's their responsibility.
It's not yours.
Your responsibility is keeping yourpeace and keeping your happiness.
You really have to build yourselfup and protect yourself from.
there are so many people out there whowanna manipulate and gaslight you and
turn their feelings on to put it allon you and put on your shoulders that
it's your responsibility and it's not.
That is not okay.
That is not loving.
(05:27):
No.
Nope.
Nope.
That is toxic.
So make sure you know thatyou love yourself too, right?
You love yourself and you are gonnaprotect yourself and it's okay to say
no, and it's okay to let them feelhowever they're gonna feel about it.
And you really just haveto let that shit go.
You cannot carry that.
There's kind of this energy techniquekinda like, where you can literally
just wipe it off of your, like aura.
(05:48):
If you, if you will like your energy, likewipe that negative energy like off you.
You can literally do these wipingmotions with your hands and that
act, brushing it off of you reallydoes help kind of take whatever
they're trying to put on you away.
Actually, that reminds me, I do have aYouTube video that that will be linked
into this podcast where I'm gonna giveyou some affirmations to help really
(06:13):
give you that confidence and make surethat you are affirming and deserving
of keeping the peace and knowingthat it is not your responsibility,
like you have to get in that mindset.
So I've got this affirmation list for youto really build upon that and set your
mindset right to make sure that you arelike coming into this season prepared
(06:33):
and knowing how to keep your piece.
Okay.
So look out for that video thatI will be posting the link to in
the description of this podcast.
Protecting your energy andsetting your intentions.
If you really wanna get through thisholiday with having fun and enjoying time
with your loved ones, set that intention.
Set that intention witheverything you're doing.
Like take your time.
(06:54):
Like you don't need a rush.
You don't need to buy a gift for everyone.
Like I, I would hate when I was withthis one group of friends and this
one woman every year was just goingon and on about how sure she is and
how she had to buy presents for likeevery single person in her family.
And I'm sorry, but youdo not have to do that.
If you need to say something ahead oftime to make it known that, Hey, we
(07:14):
are just buying gifts for our kids thisyear, or, Hey, let's do a name drawing.
That way everybody just buys one gift.
And everybody gets a gift, right?
So then nobody's left out.
So do this, especially if you'rehaving a get together where there's
gonna be present exchange, do aname drawing, like it's so easy.
It's so simple.
People feel like we have to buygifts just to buy gifts, right?
(07:34):
And it's just so ingenuine andthere's no thought put into it.
It's just you're buying crapthat doesn't really get used.
Right?
Like, How much have yougotten these gifts, right?
Where people just give you a giftand it's nice to get a gift, right?
But then it's something that either younever open, you never use, or just gets
put in a section of your house thatbuilds up with clutter and you end up
giving it to goodwill or donating it orputting it at a garage sale or re-gifting
(07:55):
it, something to that effect, right?
So really be intentional with your gifts.
Like, yes, it's the season of giving, butit doesn't necessarily mean things, right?
People value your time.
Give your time to those that you wannagive it to and spend it with, like, don't
feel obligated to give your time whereyou know you're not gonna enjoy yourself.
There's so many times where we run intothese, you know, negative situations
(08:18):
or we are putting ourselves intothese toxic environments and we really
don't need to, like you can say no.
So bring me back to what I was saying atthe beginning is you do have the power.
To choose and you havethe power to say no.
Like no is such a magical word.
Like it's okay to say no.
It's okay to say, Hey, this yearwe're doing an intimate Christmas
and I wanna just spend it withmy spouse and my kids this year.
(08:42):
We're gonna keep it a small familyChristmas, but hey, we can still
visit with you on Christmas dayand do like a meal or something.
But we wanna have Christmasmorning to ourselves.
I mean, there's ways to set boundaries.
There's ways to kind ofcome to this compromise.
So if there's people.
Vying for your time or wanting you,and you don't have that much to give,
(09:03):
I want this to be the year where youset those boundaries and you make
compromises instead of depleting yourselfand trying to spread yourself too thin.
By doing everything that everyone'sasking for you, like it's okay to say no.
It's okay to come up with other ideas orsolutions to where you can come to some
kind of compromise where you're stillable to give, you know, the family member
maybe what they want, but also keep yourpeace and get what you want as well.
(09:25):
There's always this like pressureto do what our, especially
like our parents, right?
There's that parental pressure where wefeel like we have to please them and we
have to do what they want because we'relike afraid of them for whatever reason.
But when you're an adult, I'm sorry,you get to make your own decisions.
Okay?
You still love your parents, right?
Hopefully.
(09:46):
Hopefully they are showing you love.
If it's a toxic parent relationship,it might be time to cut that out.
That is okay.
But if it's a relationship that youwanna keep, but you feel like there's
a lot of pressure in these unrealisticexpectations that are placed on you by
somebody that you love and still wannahave in your life, you have to set
boundaries, learn to say no, and learn howto come up with compromises so that you're
(10:09):
not draining yourself and compromisingon your time and your self care.
It's just all about,you know, communicating.
And sometimes that can be hard and it'shard to say no when we've never done it.
But I just really see so manytimes we come into the season where
people are just like so stressed.
People are assholes at the grocerystore even because everybody's in that
state of just this chaotic stress.
(10:30):
I have to do all the things and I'vegotta do this and I've gotta do that,
and I've gotta buy a gift for thisperson and all the teachers and all.
It's like, you really don't.
You really don't.
You don't have to do all thesethings that you think you have to do.
It's totally fine to be low key andfocus on the people that you really care
about and wanna spend time with, whichyou know, it might not even be family.
It could be really close friendsthat have really been there for you.
(10:50):
Those are people that you wanna giveyour energy and your time to, right?
Because time is something that youcan't get back, and time is precious.
So you really do need to be moremindful of what you're spending your
time on and making sure that you are
you know, setting yourself up tospend your time where you wanna
spend it and cutting out thethings that don't really matter.
(11:15):
So, you know, if your friend asksyou to come see her daughter's play,
it doesn't take away how much youcare for them if you don't go right.
Like, you don't, don't feel like youhave to do all these things, right?
Like, it's okay to say no.
It's, it's okay to saysorry I can't make it.
It's totally fine.
Setting time for yourself.
This is another big thing,is you really have to make.
That you set aside time for yourself andmaking sure you're still taking care of
(11:38):
yourself, making sure you're blocking outyour schedule and time to, you know, take
a walk by yourself or making sure thatyou're having time to still like journal
and be by yourself or, you know, makingsure you can go run an errand by yourself
or you're not like trying to micromanagea bunch of people like running errands,
you know, with kids especially, youknow, that is like a nightmare of running
(11:58):
errands, especially with small children.
So, you know, setting aside time blocksto where you can run some errands where
while you know you're on your lunchbreak or while your kids are still at
childcare school or asking a friend or aspouse or, um, a family member to watch
your kids while you go run an errandby yourself and, you know, take your
time and have a coffee or, you know,Find resources and find ways so you're
(12:20):
not adding extra stress and really justmaking sure that you are taking the
time to take care of yourself and askingyourself, what do I really wanna do?
Like maybe you wanna have a lazyday where you're just baking.
Goodies with your kids in the kitchenand you don't wanna go to like a party.
You don't have to go to a partylike say no, like it's totally fine.
(12:42):
Like don't feel obligated to like that.
You have to make an appearance.
Don't feel obligated to volunteer foryour kids, you know, winter party,
like buy a package of cookies at thestore and send them with your child.
Like, I mean, you can find waysto minimize the work you have
to do and minimize your stress.
Like it's totally fine to.
Low key and you know, low stress aboutstuff like, I think it's just ridiculous
(13:06):
when we just really try to meet theseunrealistic expectations or feel like
we have to make homemade all thesethings or make gifts for everybody.
You're making sure we go out and getevery teacher a gift, like No, honestly,
you can go buy like a package of likeStarbucks gift cards that like $5 each.
Hand those out.
Like it's super easy, like you reallydon't have to overcomplicate it.
I'm all about efficiency andgetting things done, and again, only
(13:29):
doing things that you feel calledto do that you really wanna do.
You shouldn't feel obligated to giveyour kids teachers presence, but if
you feel like you want to because youappreciate them and you wanna show your
appreciation, Then find something that'sgonna be really easy for you to do.
Again, like the gift card thing,or just writing a little note.
Like sometimes just writing a handwrittennote, like taking like 30 minutes
(13:50):
and getting a stack of like cardsfrom the dollar store or whatever.
And just like taking a time tojust say thank you to the teachers.
Like that is meaningful, right?
Like there's so many different.
Things that you can do that's not goingout, and just like trying to figure out
what the best gift is for everybody.
Um, a handwritten note I feel like goesa long way for many people that you
may wanna give a gift to this season.
(14:11):
Again, I really just want to reiteratethat you can say no, that you have
choices that, um, you need to protectyour energy and protect your peace.
Like sometimes that meanscutting toxic people outta your.
I know it's a hard thing to do,but let me tell you, your peace and
your wellbeing is totally worth it.
(14:32):
Like I've had to block family members.
Um, this year it was a very hardchoice, but I knew that that's what
I had to do to protect my energybecause I just wasn't gonna get
dragged down by these toxic people.
I just, I didn't need that, right?
Like, I don't need to be draggedinto their drama and whatever they're
dealing with, I let them know like,Hey, when you're ready to face the
truth and ready to deal with, Isactually going on instead of just lying
(14:54):
about it and causing all this drama.
I'll be here for you when you'reready to like work on that, but
until then, I don't have anythingelse to say and the person just.
Wanting to attack me and likebring me down and trying to
just, just overly dramatic.
And I just was like, like I, I didn'teven say anything back after that.
It's like I already said mypiece and I blocked them.
I'm not dealing with it.
Right?
Like, I don't, I don'tneed to take on your stuff.
(15:15):
I've got my own shit to worry about.
So, goodbye.
Like, good day, sir.
And that's okay.
You can do that withfamily members or friends.
Like if there is somebody whois eating away at you and eating
away at your piece, like it's.
To cut the them outta your life.
Um, there's differentways you can do that.
So if somebody is trying to push yourbuttons, maybe they are questioning you
(15:36):
or being passive aggressive with you, likemaybe you are trying to change and trying
to stand up for yourself more and setthese boundaries like I'm talking about
and you're saying no, and you know, youare trying to come up with compromises and
you are using your power to make choicesand people are gonna be resistant to that.
They like the old you, they like the youthat they can walk all over and that they
(15:57):
can get what they want from you, right?
And when that starts changing,they're gonna start challenging you.
When people challenge you, when they'repushing your buttons and trying to get
under your skin and trying to createa reaction outta you, again, I wanna
let you know you have the power, right?
Don't let them take your power bygetting all riled up and upset about it.
Right?
(16:18):
Take a breath, pause and either taketime to respond or don't respond at all.
You owe them nothing.
You don't have to explain yourself ifthey are really just trying to put you
down or question you, or if they'retrying to say things to you that are
having you question and doubt yourself.
You need to excuse yourself.
You need to cut ties with this, and itdoesn't mean that you're necessarily
(16:41):
blocking them or cutting them out ofyour life forever, but there are ways
to handle yourself so that you'renot getting all upset and frustrated.
It's okay to not respond.
So let, if it's not a face to faceconfrontation, let's say they're texting
you or maybe they're calling you and don'tanswer, right, don't answer the call,
you don't have to respond to their text.
(17:01):
Or you can take some time and maybethink of a way to respond to them
in a kind manner or to give thema general answer where you're not
responding to what they're tryingto get you to respond to, right?
Like you're avoiding that confrontation.
Or I should say, you're not engagingwith how they're trying to challenge you.
You're not engaging with howthey're trying to pick a fight
(17:22):
with you, essentially, right?
Like you do not have to fight with them.
This is not a fight.
This is you choosing yourself, choosingto love yourself, and choosing to give
yourself peace rather than showingup by being this drained, stressed.
Person.
You don't like to be like, you want toenjoy this season with the people that
(17:42):
you love, and that means saying no andchoosing where you spend your time.
And when people wanna challenge you andmake you feel bad, that's their problem.
That's them like going throughwhatever they need to process.
They, you don't have to dealwith that, that is not yours
to figure it out for them.
So again, you can ignore them.
You can take some time and respondmore thoughtfully in a neutral manner.
(18:07):
You can do what I call, like, let'ssay it's an in-person confrontation.
Maybe they're like tryingto like attack you.
It's a technique called gray rock.
So gray rock means you're not showingemotion, you're standing your ground.
So there was a situation where thishappened with somebody once and I had set
some boundaries and they didn't like it.
They were like trying to talk circlesaround me and trying to intimidate me.
(18:30):
And I just stayed neutral.
I just stayed doing what I was doing.
You know, they were trying tointerrupt me and engage me,
and I just did not engage back.
I just stood my ground.
I didn't react, like Ididn't give my power away.
It wasn't a time for me to like, youknow, scream back and like, you know,
they were trying to say things to hurtme and I just kind of stayed focused
on whatever I was doing in that momentand not giving them that attention.
(18:51):
And eventually they stopped.
Right.
And.
It was later they approached me, we wereable to have a more adult conversation
about it and get to a solution, right?
So there are people who might try totry those tactics and stay in your power
and know that you don't have to givein to those emotions or frustrations.
And sometimes that can be reallychallenging and hard, and I would
(19:12):
like to challenge you to really takecontrol and stand your ground and
stay in your power, and let's say itdoes elicit some emotions for you.
If you can do your best to just like,not show the person in the emotion that
you're having this like confrontation orconflict with, and then excusing yourself
to a bathroom or somewhere private whereyou can then, you know, cry or scream
(19:34):
into a pillow or whatever you need to do.
Just be like, you know, to let out theactual emotions you are feeling and then
reminding yourself, that this is them.
This is not you.
And you don't have togive that to them, right?
Like you losing your cool, you losingyour temper and snapping at them and then
going on the defense, like that's throwingall the power back into their court.
Keep the ball in your court and standyour ground and stay calm and neutral.
(19:57):
And the best way I think to do that isreally to practice these affirmations.
And again, I'm gonna send you that in thedescription of the podcast for you to get
that YouTube video where you can learnthese affirmations, say them again in
your head, like recite them and get themin your head to change your mindset to
know that this is, this is for you, thisis for your peace and making sure that
you're able to give yourself a peacefuland stress free, or as stress free as
(20:21):
possible Holiday season where you'rein control, you get to call the shots.
You get to schedule the ti your time, howyou see fit, how you don't have to take
on anybody else's emotions or expectationsthat you can really just focus on
what you need and being more consciousand mindful of where you're spending
your time, where you're saying, yes.
(20:44):
What you're giving your time to, likewhat's you're scheduling for yourself,
making sure that it syncs up and alignswith where you really wanna be with,
where you really wanna spend yourtime and energy so that you're really.
Recouping like the benefits of beingable to keep that peace within you.
And not only that is when you show upto these events and gatherings as your
(21:08):
peaceful, like joyful, bright self becauseyou are making time for your self care
and you're not overextending yourself.
You're gonna show up as this lighter,more beautiful, like peaceful
version of yourself that peopleare gonna be like attracted to.
And it's also gonna help otherpeople around you calibrate to this
more delightful and peaceful state.
(21:29):
So you taking care of yourself andsetting your boundaries and creating
this peaceful space around you isreally like a gift to others as well.
So we're talking about gift giving.
I mean, what better gift to give peoplethan the gift of peace and light?
You being the light and being peacefulis gonna help others around you calibrate
and be in that state of mind as well.
(21:50):
So it's something that you're giving toother people by you giving to yourself.
So keep these things in mind.
Check out the YouTube video whereI give you that affirmation, and I
hope you listen to it, get it intoyour head so that you can repeat
those mantras and empower yourselfand get into the right mindset to
keep your peace through this season.
I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.
(22:12):
Let me know on social media if youtook any great tips from this episode.
Um, find me on Facebook or Instagram@chelsea.vanbuskirk please let
me know what you took away, whatwas helpful, what was not, and
I will see you guys next week.
Peace.
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