May 23, 2023 • 24 mins
Join Mamas Ariana, Sasha, and Emely in a powerful and candid conversation as they dive into the profound topic of boundaries. In this thought-provoking podcast episode, these dynamic women explore the transformative shift from the single life to becoming a mama and the crucial role boundaries play in maintaining personal peace and well-being.
Delve into the challenges and triumphs as Ariana, Sasha, and Emely share personal stories, shedding light on the evolution of boundaries and the empowerment that comes with saying NO when needed. The discussion unravels the intricacies of finding strength as women to confidently protect one's peace amidst the demands of motherhood and societal expectations.
Tune in for practical insights, heartfelt anecdotes, and a shared exploration of what it means to establish and enforce boundaries as a woman navigating the delicate balance between personal fulfillment and the responsibilities of motherhood.
Whether you're a mom seeking guidance on setting boundaries, a woman navigating life transitions, or someone interested in the empowering narratives of dynamic individuals, this episode promises to inspire and resonate with those on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey,
everyone and welcome to T PM.
C's the posh season one,
episode three.
And I have two lovely members here.
We have Sasha and Ariana.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
And today's topic is boundaries and I'm really excited to talk about this as I think it's very prevalent as a mother.
(00:20):
And I think it really shifts into a different dynamic once you become a wife and a mom and boundaries goes with everything.
We're talking friends,
family career learning when to say no.
Um I think that we all kind of probably I know I have really big issues with saying no,
(00:40):
I feel we get fear of fomo fear of missing out.
We get scared that our friends are gonna be upset with us if we say no or we don't,
instead of just saying we don't want to go or I'm just too tired.
We come up with this lavish story to not upset people and it's just just no is an answer,
right?
Um So how do you guys feel about that?
Like,
OK,
(01:01):
let's go back 12 years now.
15 Dream Music plays 15 years ago.
I don't know how long but pre kids possibly pre-marriage.
Like,
what did boundaries look for you at that time?
I was clueless when it came to boundaries.
In fact,
if I'm honest,
the moment I realized that I lacked boundaries was the day that I became a mother.
(01:24):
For the first time I had told my husband that I did not want anybody visiting me the day that I gave birth.
Wow.
And so he managed to spread the message except with one person,
which was a very close friend of his and lo and behold a few hours after giving birth,
his best friend walks through the door with my husband's ex-wife on facetime because they wanted to see the baby.
(01:46):
Uh I still have my fully connected.
Ok,
I was a freaking mess,
but I lacked the emotional maturity to say anything.
So I smiled,
I was polite.
That is your day and now you're uncomfortable,
still uncomfortable and that's what that's not ok.
I just went ahead with it.
But if I could go back to that moment,
being the person I am right now,
(02:07):
I would have said I appreciate that you want to meet the baby,
but I'm not comfortable with visitors.
What did you really want to say?
Get the f out of my room?
I wanted to insult my husband because I was codependent emotionally at that time because I was expecting him to put my boundaries up for me and you're in a very vulnerable state No,
(02:28):
totally.
But now I know that it's up to me to put those boundaries in place and tell her,
you know what,
when I'm home and settled,
you're more than welcome to come over.
Not today.
What were you in fear of just upsetting people while you felt upset?
Yeah.
Just making them feel uncomfortable.
But you were uncomfortable.
I was,
and I put their emotions before mine and that's totally,
(02:49):
that's the definition of a lack of boundaries.
Of course,
that's terrible.
And we have Ariana who you would be a first time mom.
How many months are you right now?
I am almost six months.
So you have a learning curve ahead of you very much.
So,
do you already shift and things?
Absolutely.
Yeah,
I would say the past couple of years I've really started to work on self healing and boundaries.
(03:12):
You know,
I was that people pleaser,
you know,
I was afraid to say no to people um to hurt them and,
you know,
disregard my own emotions and then you built up resentment with people,
you know,
um you get upset and you put those emotions on those people when it's really your responsibility,
correct?
Do you,
since you've,
I don't know,
it's like most of your friends have babies.
(03:33):
I'm not sure if like the dynamic.
Do you feel like there's also a shift in that aspect of they're not understanding why you can't probably do certain things or you're preparing,
you're probably nesting right now.
I feel like you're in like nest mode.
Right.
Right now you're like the baby room and this is done.
And I don't know what about this?
And my dream goals for the hospital.
Like this.
Your mind is racing.
You've got a time.
(03:54):
You've got six more.
Wait,
I'm so bad at math.
You don't have it for 12 months.
Not.
Yeah,
you got three more.
Yeah.
So,
I'm definitely dealing with that right now.
Even like some of my friends who want to come and visit during this time.
You know,
I'm so excited.
I just moved here about a year ago now.
Um,
Massachusetts.
Yeah.
But now I'm thinking,
you know,
(04:14):
oh,
I'm tired.
You know,
I don't want to,
I really want to be with them.
You're allowed to be tired.
I'm tired.
I'm growing a human and I just want to just be by myself on the couch and it can be hard to still navigate that of your friends aren't mothers.
They just can't relate.
Well,
one thing to keep in mind is that boundaries,
they're not set in stone,
they're flexible.
(04:35):
So you can have a set of boundaries for your neighbor and your coworkers on a separate set of boundaries for your best friend.
You're not gonna feel comfortable maybe touching the same topic with your bestie as you would with your hair stylist.
Correct.
So,
that's also something that people have to keep in mind is that boundaries are not set in stone.
So just so,
you know,
because I just did a,
I do have my daughter in studio and I,
(04:57):
I the rules where you had to be quiet,
like there's a lot of rules and she didn't listen to the boundary and she's like singing in the background.
You know,
I do feel a difference in shift,
you know,
right now as I'm focused on becoming a mother,
I'm not working anymore as I,
as I really was to go into a whole other.
Yeah.
Ok.
So what are the questions women ask you,
(05:17):
what do you do all day?
What exactly do you know?
What,
what are you,
what are you doing all day or what's your job?
And it's,
you know,
I had,
I got my masters at Harvard from Psychology and,
you know,
there is that guilt of,
you know,
am I supposed to be doing something?
Can I not just be wrestling during these moments because I had this quote unquote free time?
Um But it's being real with myself and saying,
(05:39):
hey,
no,
this is the only think about it.
The only couple of months that I have left for if you wanted to,
if you wanted to be a stay at home mom,
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Not at all at all.
If you want to go to work.
I just,
you know,
we had a conversation in one of our episodes about independence when we were talking about that.
(06:00):
It was just about you.
Like,
if you're a stay at home mom,
I would suggest still having some kind of side income,
whether it's a hobby or you're a lot like Etsy stuff,
like whatever it is,
do something for your own self,
identity and grace and being financially independent on your own just in case of you never know what's gonna come.
(06:22):
But being a stay at home mom is such a hard job in itself.
Like there's nothing,
I don't know what we have to cower down and pretend we're doing something that we're not like,
oh,
you know,
I'm on all these committees and boards,
you know,
like just say I'm at home,
take care of my babies.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It's a privilege and I feel like people hurt people.
(06:43):
I always talk,
I love that.
You said that.
Yes,
I mean,
it's so true.
And so why do I have to make myself small to make you feel better?
It's a privilege and I'm enjoying it.
So do I have to feel bad because I drive a luxury car or I live in a gated community?
No,
I don't.
So I have the privilege to be a stay at home mom,
which as you said,
it's a ton of work.
I feel like it's harder than when I actually before being a mother.
(07:06):
I mean,
mentally,
physically,
all of it,
it's draining because you do not have a day off.
You can't say,
oh,
I'm gonna take a lunch break.
No cover for me.
No,
it's 24 7.
Correct.
And sometimes you go hours if not upon hours,
not speaking to a soul.
So,
if you have an infant that doesn't speak like the house is so isolated,
it is,
it is isolating its first few years.
Totally not to scare you.
(07:28):
Let's look forward to it.
Yeah.
There's a lot of good.
There's a lot of good.
It is.
So what are some tips or advice that you,
I know that you're pretty good with this.
So let's actually let's go back a little bit.
I want to talk about what you guys did individually or what your,
your career in the past was or it is,
I remember on your application you did go to Harvard.
(07:49):
I know that there is some psychology there,
tell us about it.
Like who is Ariana?
So I have definitely a passion in psychology.
Um So I,
I love being here and talking about these topics with you guys.
Um But I did a lot of my work on business psychology,
interesting taking,
you know,
some of the theories and um research that people have studied and really apply that to the business.
(08:13):
So the past six years I was actually um an hr business partner.
I worked for a biotech and uh and so it was,
it was great.
So how do you OK,
like,
so psychology and business for a biotech company?
Yes.
How does that work?
Like it was it through the employees,
(08:34):
was it through their business?
Their guidelines like their?
Yeah.
So what I do is,
you know,
you act as the advocate for the employees but really for the employer mostly.
So how do we motivate employees?
How do,
um,
you know,
we get someone who is struggling um in this certain area to excel and be promoted in another field?
It could be.
(08:54):
That's awesome.
Yeah,
it was a lot of cool things that you can use from psychology and branch the business.
But time and time again,
I remember,
you know,
my passion is with the people.
So as much as I do love working with the business,
it's definitely one on one with someone and understanding like we're talking about right now,
you know,
what are some of your triggers?
What are some of your boundaries that you want to work on yourself?
(09:17):
You can definitely help someone more when it's one on one and you get to know their specific triggers.
And when I became a mother though,
I realized that I had a lot of unhealed trauma to deal with.
And I just started going down this rabbit hole of information and I started to be really passionate about it.
And I realized in the process that a lot of women are raised under like the good woman syndrome,
(09:40):
not sure if you're aware of it,
but it's ok.
It's basically when you're raised to be codependent and you're celebrated whenever you're passive,
you know,
you agree to something you're too kind,
you're too nice.
But those things are celebrated and I see that a lot of mothers and future mothers don't realize that they're sacrificing so much.
(10:00):
Their dreams,
their body,
their mental health,
you know,
their future in the name of love.
And why do you think that is,
why do you think it's the woman and not the man?
I think that men go through it as well.
But that would be a whole different subject because men,
since they're boys,
they're raised to kind of like turn off their emotions and be strong,
don't cry,
(10:20):
you cry.
Exactly.
So,
but that's just like a separate,
you know,
topic,
but in terms of us females,
it's just totally different.
It's like we have to put our emotions underneath and it's like your Children are your priority,
you know,
making people comfortable is your priority.
And to all mothers and future mothers,
my message is that,
you know,
that's not love,
sacrificing yourself is not love your message to the mother.
(10:42):
That was my message is that you should model to your Children.
What it feels like to be so in love with your life that you don't care about what other people think and you're doing this for yourself,
but also for your Children.
What do you think?
Do you think social media obviously do you think we know like social media as far as boundaries?
I feel like you,
I think as women,
we just overthink situations like so and so is upset with me.
(11:05):
So and you know,
it just gets really like you're too tired and too exhausted to also add that to your plate.
And how do we avoid doing that?
Do you just block it out?
An emotional load?
I feel like what makes it really tip over and something important is just to not take things personally.
And I know it's easier said than done.
It's so much easier said than done.
(11:27):
But as you mature,
I feel like it's more comfortable to just call people out and I don't mean this and I'm like,
no,
I think that's right.
I think if there's something that you're not sure about or you have a doubt,
just tell that person,
you don't have to be a bitch about it or use it like a mom tone,
but just tell them,
listen,
this made me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if this or X or Y and have them clarify that because it's easy to jump to conclusions,
(11:49):
correct and to really understand,
you know,
where they're also coming from.
And if you know,
you get that answer from how their,
how their response is and you kind of just what are some,
what do you think of some healthy boundaries that,
you know,
our listeners or even ourselves can kind of do from a day to day that,
you know,
what's,
what's the first step for healthy boundaries as far as let's go with friendship and then we'll go into family.
(12:11):
Well,
first you have to establish what your boundaries are because if you're not used to having boundaries,
you have to sit down with yourself and say,
what do I really like?
What are my dislikes?
What am I comfortable with?
What are my deal breakers?
I love this person.
What is my deal?
Oh,
what do I need?
So,
it's almost like you're dating your friends a little bit.
It's a different relationship but still there's some similarities there and once you have those boundaries clear in your head,
(12:37):
then you can establish that.
Do you think it's been harder to make friends now as a mom?
Like your mom,
friends versus friends when you're in,
in college and,
and single?
I don't think that is,
you really have to connect with people because as a mom,
you're just so busy juggling so many things and it's hard to just connect with things that you have in common.
Your Children have to have things in common.
(12:58):
You were at least it's not like,
oh,
we had a fireball shot over at the Irish bar.
Like,
I like your shoes.
Exactly.
There's so many more,
um,
people involved and you can't just go to any social event that they invite you to because again,
you have Children that everyone has child care.
You know,
your schedule might not align with that person's schedule because having kids.
Oh,
he naps at this time.
(13:19):
Oh,
my naps at that time.
So there's just so much clashing going on there.
It's hard.
You're gonna learn to.
People are gonna be like,
so,
uh,
did you breastfeed,
did you form a right there?
There's a divide,
there's so many women.
It's so,
it's so ridiculous because for you C section,
oh I was National Bird C section.
Isn't really,
can we just stop that?
(13:40):
Just stop,
you know,
it,
it,
if the,
if the child is healthy,
can we just stop?
It's funny,
I'm kind of in that middle line right now where you said where it's easier or it's different,
I guess to make friends when you didn't have kids versus when you do have kids.
So right now I'm in that middle line of,
you know,
what's working for me right now,
what are some people that I really want around me and your child?
(14:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so right now,
I may not know when he will nap or when he will eat,
but from right now just understanding,
you know,
what are you aligned with?
And is that something that also your energy is so important?
You know,
not really taking negativity and taking things that bother you and trigger you anymore and kind of send that line for yourself to also protect you,
(14:23):
but also your kid on the line.
That's very important.
They say that your vibe attracts your tribe and I believe in that.
Oh,
so talking going into that,
I want to know how you guys found this particular village.
It makes me excited that you guys are here,
Sasha.
You've been here for a few years now.
I would say about almost 2 to 3.
Going on three.
How did you find us Instagram?
(14:44):
Really?
I remember seeing the pictures and thinking,
oh my gosh,
these girls are beautiful.
I thought it was part of like some reality show and I was like,
afraid to even,
you know,
inquire because I was like,
there's no way they're gonna let me and like,
it just looks so perfect.
And so yes,
but I just,
I identified so much with the woman I was seeing,
(15:06):
you know,
in the content in the videos and the pictures and it's just been an honor honestly to be part of the group because it's so hard to find like minded women that are not judgmental and that are moms.
I mean,
hello.
That was just perfect.
Just when I got your application,
I was really excited and I knew that you were really going to vibe with the women and we're so happy.
You're here.
Thank you.
(15:27):
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're fairly new now.
It's gone by pretty quickly though.
It really has.
I feel like I've been here for like a year or so.
That's a good sign.
It's good,
how awesome everyone is and how nice and like you mentioned,
inclusive,
there is no judgment and like,
(15:47):
it's so rare to find,
especially,
you know,
as women and as moms or soon to be moms,
you know,
I found you guys on Instagram too.
And so Instagram,
I just,
I'm always curious because I don't know,
you know,
you get the application and I'm like,
I have no idea.
Sometimes it says like referred by and,
and,
but I'm curious,
you're looking for your tribes.
(16:09):
Exactly.
Exactly.
And to love fashion and beauty.
But to have successful entrepreneurs,
moms who just love being moms and having a group of women that you can also just count on and ask for advice and help.
That's all I wanted.
And please,
I,
you're right now,
you're gonna have a reality check.
(16:29):
Like right now it's,
you're going through the motions and then once the baby gets here,
you'll be like,
wow,
I really was no book and no like me even saying this,
you're not gonna understand until the baby is here and then your spouse or significant other goes to work.
There's gonna be kind of like a shift um as far as like identity and um you're going to question a lot,
(16:51):
like,
just know that we're here.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna say it to you,
but you're not gonna understand until you're in it and you're like,
uh yeah,
no one told me about this part and you're gonna wear,
like,
really ugly panties on the way out from the hospital.
Like,
they're really ugly.
Like,
aw,
you don't?
No,
I don't think I ever did.
I think I wore some of the leggings with the weird,
like,
(17:11):
nude part.
Yeah.
And then I stopped and I was like,
I'm just gonna wear really tight bandage dresses and just roll with rocket.
Yeah.
Just try to put on your old clothes,
don't we?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just for a little bit.
Or you don't be for me.
It was yours.
It,
it depends,
but it's don't get into the whole snap back thing.
(17:32):
Like you literally,
your organs have shifted from the front of your body to the back like it's crazy.
Give your body time and grace.
I keep,
I think the word grace has popped up in every podcast.
Like give yourself grace with every aspect of your life.
You learn a lot of self love after you become a mother.
You really appreciate your body and what it can do.
(17:54):
It,
it's insane.
I'm already appreciating like I'm my body in a whole different light right now.
I don't know.
It's just women are so strong matter like we're strong.
I'm like,
yeah,
physically.
But can you make a human?
Like no,
I made her nose,
her teeth,
her ears.
It's really the bigger they get.
You just stare at them and it's like I created that.
(18:18):
So Sasha has her own.
Um a really great following.
She does a lot of,
is it like emotional work like for parents?
And can you tell us a little bit about it?
A lot on positive parenting love cycle breaking is something I'm super passionate about learning about childhood trauma.
There's something called generational trauma.
And so basically,
I focus on how you can break those cycles because a lot of people aren't aware that they're carrying this until they become parents.
(18:42):
And then they're triggered by a behavior in their child.
And they realize that they're repeating those patterns or when they get married,
usually it's like a big milestone that happens in your life where you actually realize that you are carrying that trauma with you.
Mine was marriage for sure.
Marriage is a trigger.
Um No,
no,
I,
when I entered marriage,
(19:03):
I realized that,
ok,
I'm caring how I react to certain things,
how I,
um just little things like that.
I realize,
ok,
wait a second,
I'm acting a little bit like my,
my dad or my mom that I didn't want to carry over.
And so that's some things,
especially in the past couple of years I've really honed in and want to work on.
So I don't pass it along to my Children.
(19:25):
You're doing great.
You know how,
well,
I think the first step is realizing it.
Right,
because when you don't,
if you're not aware of it,
then you can't change it.
Exactly.
And then wanting to change it.
Exactly.
So powerful because sometimes you realize it but you just don't know how to do it or you're not ready to do it.
It's like telling someone,
listen,
these are the things that you did that hurt me and they're like,
I don't see it.
You know,
then it's never,
(19:45):
it's,
you can get an apology but if they,
they're not self aware or to change it,
they're not going to change it.
It's just going to keep going.
Exactly.
So,
yeah,
and whatever,
the way that you parent your child is,
how they're gonna grow up and how they're gonna parent,
I mean,
it's just a lot of responsibility like it is,
it's wild.
It's all,
(20:05):
it's a,
it's a big job,
you know,
if someone's struggling with boundaries,
all I would say is,
you know,
really,
it's,
it's what are your personal values?
What are some things that are crossing yourself,
um,
personally that are just depleting you,
you gotta get comfortable with it and it doesn't mean that you have to be this,
(20:26):
you know,
horrible person.
I mean,
I love helping other people but you can't help others at your own cost.
I'm not kidding.
I need it.
You become too vulnerable sometimes.
And it's true.
I mean,
becoming a mother does affect you.
I remember before I could see the Saddest movie and I would not try not even like that's dumb.
Yeah.
(20:46):
I'm like,
it's so maybe I'm still crying now,
I cry with anything that's like a little bit sad.
Anything that I'm watching it could be a,
a real movie.
But it,
it,
I question myself every day.
I'm like,
I was not like this something happened,
but I'm a decent mother.
You know,
for you,
if you're on a date with a guy and you notice him visibly checking out another girl during your date,
(21:11):
how would you handle that now?
And how with the Emily things that men don't understand is women take a lot of time to get ready for that particular date.
So,
like I bought a dress,
you know,
I got my hair done.
Your nails,
your,
your makeup,
um,
your shoes,
you worked so hard for this stupid date.
(21:32):
I'm getting mad now and,
you know,
you put so much effort and then,
you know,
Maria from El Barrio,
I'm just kidding,
passes by and some like,
they're not even like real jeans,
you know.
You know,
and you're just like,
why did I even put so much effort?
So,
(21:52):
yeah,
I would,
I would get very upset.
Now I just get quiet.
I,
my anger is now in silence.
I don't respond back to texts.
I,
um,
I kind of just shut down versus like,
vocalize.
I was very vocal and very aggressive in,
in,
in letting them know why they upset me.
Now.
I just shut down.
(22:13):
Um,
you and I are the opposite in the past.
I was more insecure.
So I would have probably just been really quiet and then got home and just cried about it and not spoke to them again.
But today,
if that happened to me,
I would probably be really sarcastic and,
and I have to work on that.
That's great.
It's about giving the person a dose of their own medicine.
Of course,
I'm not like that anymore,
but I feel like back then that was my mentality,
(22:36):
either it would shut down or it would be super sarcastic.
Like there was no in between so disrespectful,
really.
Like I just,
I feel like especially at this age,
if you're on this date,
it's because you've already kind of done it all.
Like I would hope that that wouldn't really phase them,
you know,
but I don't know.
I want him to be obsessed with me like,
(22:57):
yeah,
I don't,
you don't accept less.
It should be like that.
Yeah,
I don't want to deal with that again.
That's why we have to have um high boundaries,
high standards and just do not settle for less.
That's what self love is all about.
Absolutely.
All right,
ladies,
thank you for coming.
Is there a way um if any of the listeners want to reach you for any of your courses or information and to get to know you Ariana Instagrams or Handles,
(23:22):
um you could find me at Sasha Juggles Life on Instagram and tiktok.
And I also have a website called Sasha circle dot com.
And I have a course coming up soon so you can check that out too.
Wonderful.
And if you want to connect,
I have a couple of videos on psychology and boundaries and childhood trauma on tiktok.
It's my girl.
Awesome on tiktok and Instagram.
Thank you guys so much for coming and we're excited for our next week's episode.
(23:45):
We will have the little people that make us moms come into the studio and get to know them and see what they see in us.
So that'll be very,
very funny.
So,
thank you again and uh we want to thank our sponsors for making this possible.
Thank you,
Face Foundry and a beauty edition by Katie.
Thanks again.
Thanks so much.
(24:06):
Been a pleasure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey,
everyone and welcome to T PM.
C's the posh season one,
episode three.
And I have two lovely members here.
We have Sasha and Ariana.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
And today's topic is boundaries and I'm really excited to talk about this as I think it's very prevalent as a mother.
(00:20):
And I think it really shifts into a different dynamic once you become a wife and a mom and boundaries goes with everything.
We're talking friends,
family career learning when to say no.
Um I think that we all kind of probably I know I have really big issues with saying no,
(00:40):
I feel we get fear of fomo fear of missing out.
We get scared that our friends are gonna be upset with us if we say no or we don't,
instead of just saying we don't want to go or I'm just too tired.
We come up with this lavish story to not upset people and it's just just no is an answer,
right?
Um So how do you guys feel about that?
Like,
OK,
(01:01):
let's go back 12 years now.
15 Dream Music plays 15 years ago.
I don't know how long but pre kids possibly pre-marriage.
Like,
what did boundaries look for you at that time?
I was clueless when it came to boundaries.
In fact,
if I'm honest,
the moment I realized that I lacked boundaries was the day that I became a mother.
(01:24):
For the first time I had told my husband that I did not want anybody visiting me the day that I gave birth.
Wow.
And so he managed to spread the message except with one person,
which was a very close friend of his and lo and behold a few hours after giving birth,
his best friend walks through the door with my husband's ex-wife on facetime because they wanted to see the baby.
(01:46):
Uh I still have my fully connected.
Ok,
I was a freaking mess,
but I lacked the emotional maturity to say anything.
So I smiled,
I was polite.
That is your day and now you're uncomfortable,
still uncomfortable and that's what that's not ok.
I just went ahead with it.
But if I could go back to that moment,
being the person I am right now,
(02:07):
I would have said I appreciate that you want to meet the baby,
but I'm not comfortable with visitors.
What did you really want to say?
Get the f out of my room?
I wanted to insult my husband because I was codependent emotionally at that time because I was expecting him to put my boundaries up for me and you're in a very vulnerable state No,
(02:28):
totally.
But now I know that it's up to me to put those boundaries in place and tell her,
you know what,
when I'm home and settled,
you're more than welcome to come over.
Not today.
What were you in fear of just upsetting people while you felt upset?
Yeah.
Just making them feel uncomfortable.
But you were uncomfortable.
I was,
and I put their emotions before mine and that's totally,
(02:49):
that's the definition of a lack of boundaries.
Of course,
that's terrible.
And we have Ariana who you would be a first time mom.
How many months are you right now?
I am almost six months.
So you have a learning curve ahead of you very much.
So,
do you already shift and things?
Absolutely.
Yeah,
I would say the past couple of years I've really started to work on self healing and boundaries.
(03:12):
You know,
I was that people pleaser,
you know,
I was afraid to say no to people um to hurt them and,
you know,
disregard my own emotions and then you built up resentment with people,
you know,
um you get upset and you put those emotions on those people when it's really your responsibility,
correct?
Do you,
since you've,
I don't know,
it's like most of your friends have babies.
(03:33):
I'm not sure if like the dynamic.
Do you feel like there's also a shift in that aspect of they're not understanding why you can't probably do certain things or you're preparing,
you're probably nesting right now.
I feel like you're in like nest mode.
Right.
Right now you're like the baby room and this is done.
And I don't know what about this?
And my dream goals for the hospital.
Like this.
Your mind is racing.
You've got a time.
(03:54):
You've got six more.
Wait,
I'm so bad at math.
You don't have it for 12 months.
Not.
Yeah,
you got three more.
Yeah.
So,
I'm definitely dealing with that right now.
Even like some of my friends who want to come and visit during this time.
You know,
I'm so excited.
I just moved here about a year ago now.
Um,
Massachusetts.
Yeah.
But now I'm thinking,
you know,
(04:14):
oh,
I'm tired.
You know,
I don't want to,
I really want to be with them.
You're allowed to be tired.
I'm tired.
I'm growing a human and I just want to just be by myself on the couch and it can be hard to still navigate that of your friends aren't mothers.
They just can't relate.
Well,
one thing to keep in mind is that boundaries,
they're not set in stone,
they're flexible.
(04:35):
So you can have a set of boundaries for your neighbor and your coworkers on a separate set of boundaries for your best friend.
You're not gonna feel comfortable maybe touching the same topic with your bestie as you would with your hair stylist.
Correct.
So,
that's also something that people have to keep in mind is that boundaries are not set in stone.
So just so,
you know,
because I just did a,
I do have my daughter in studio and I,
(04:57):
I the rules where you had to be quiet,
like there's a lot of rules and she didn't listen to the boundary and she's like singing in the background.
You know,
I do feel a difference in shift,
you know,
right now as I'm focused on becoming a mother,
I'm not working anymore as I,
as I really was to go into a whole other.
Yeah.
Ok.
So what are the questions women ask you,
(05:17):
what do you do all day?
What exactly do you know?
What,
what are you,
what are you doing all day or what's your job?
And it's,
you know,
I had,
I got my masters at Harvard from Psychology and,
you know,
there is that guilt of,
you know,
am I supposed to be doing something?
Can I not just be wrestling during these moments because I had this quote unquote free time?
Um But it's being real with myself and saying,
(05:39):
hey,
no,
this is the only think about it.
The only couple of months that I have left for if you wanted to,
if you wanted to be a stay at home mom,
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Not at all at all.
If you want to go to work.
I just,
you know,
we had a conversation in one of our episodes about independence when we were talking about that.
(06:00):
It was just about you.
Like,
if you're a stay at home mom,
I would suggest still having some kind of side income,
whether it's a hobby or you're a lot like Etsy stuff,
like whatever it is,
do something for your own self,
identity and grace and being financially independent on your own just in case of you never know what's gonna come.
(06:22):
But being a stay at home mom is such a hard job in itself.
Like there's nothing,
I don't know what we have to cower down and pretend we're doing something that we're not like,
oh,
you know,
I'm on all these committees and boards,
you know,
like just say I'm at home,
take care of my babies.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It's a privilege and I feel like people hurt people.
(06:43):
I always talk,
I love that.
You said that.
Yes,
I mean,
it's so true.
And so why do I have to make myself small to make you feel better?
It's a privilege and I'm enjoying it.
So do I have to feel bad because I drive a luxury car or I live in a gated community?
No,
I don't.
So I have the privilege to be a stay at home mom,
which as you said,
it's a ton of work.
I feel like it's harder than when I actually before being a mother.
(07:06):
I mean,
mentally,
physically,
all of it,
it's draining because you do not have a day off.
You can't say,
oh,
I'm gonna take a lunch break.
No cover for me.
No,
it's 24 7.
Correct.
And sometimes you go hours if not upon hours,
not speaking to a soul.
So,
if you have an infant that doesn't speak like the house is so isolated,
it is,
it is isolating its first few years.
Totally not to scare you.
(07:28):
Let's look forward to it.
Yeah.
There's a lot of good.
There's a lot of good.
It is.
So what are some tips or advice that you,
I know that you're pretty good with this.
So let's actually let's go back a little bit.
I want to talk about what you guys did individually or what your,
your career in the past was or it is,
I remember on your application you did go to Harvard.
(07:49):
I know that there is some psychology there,
tell us about it.
Like who is Ariana?
So I have definitely a passion in psychology.
Um So I,
I love being here and talking about these topics with you guys.
Um But I did a lot of my work on business psychology,
interesting taking,
you know,
some of the theories and um research that people have studied and really apply that to the business.
(08:13):
So the past six years I was actually um an hr business partner.
I worked for a biotech and uh and so it was,
it was great.
So how do you OK,
like,
so psychology and business for a biotech company?
Yes.
How does that work?
Like it was it through the employees,
(08:34):
was it through their business?
Their guidelines like their?
Yeah.
So what I do is,
you know,
you act as the advocate for the employees but really for the employer mostly.
So how do we motivate employees?
How do,
um,
you know,
we get someone who is struggling um in this certain area to excel and be promoted in another field?
It could be.
(08:54):
That's awesome.
Yeah,
it was a lot of cool things that you can use from psychology and branch the business.
But time and time again,
I remember,
you know,
my passion is with the people.
So as much as I do love working with the business,
it's definitely one on one with someone and understanding like we're talking about right now,
you know,
what are some of your triggers?
What are some of your boundaries that you want to work on yourself?
(09:17):
You can definitely help someone more when it's one on one and you get to know their specific triggers.
And when I became a mother though,
I realized that I had a lot of unhealed trauma to deal with.
And I just started going down this rabbit hole of information and I started to be really passionate about it.
And I realized in the process that a lot of women are raised under like the good woman syndrome,
(09:40):
not sure if you're aware of it,
but it's ok.
It's basically when you're raised to be codependent and you're celebrated whenever you're passive,
you know,
you agree to something you're too kind,
you're too nice.
But those things are celebrated and I see that a lot of mothers and future mothers don't realize that they're sacrificing so much.
(10:00):
Their dreams,
their body,
their mental health,
you know,
their future in the name of love.
And why do you think that is,
why do you think it's the woman and not the man?
I think that men go through it as well.
But that would be a whole different subject because men,
since they're boys,
they're raised to kind of like turn off their emotions and be strong,
don't cry,
(10:20):
you cry.
Exactly.
So,
but that's just like a separate,
you know,
topic,
but in terms of us females,
it's just totally different.
It's like we have to put our emotions underneath and it's like your Children are your priority,
you know,
making people comfortable is your priority.
And to all mothers and future mothers,
my message is that,
you know,
that's not love,
sacrificing yourself is not love your message to the mother.
(10:42):
That was my message is that you should model to your Children.
What it feels like to be so in love with your life that you don't care about what other people think and you're doing this for yourself,
but also for your Children.
What do you think?
Do you think social media obviously do you think we know like social media as far as boundaries?
I feel like you,
I think as women,
we just overthink situations like so and so is upset with me.
(11:05):
So and you know,
it just gets really like you're too tired and too exhausted to also add that to your plate.
And how do we avoid doing that?
Do you just block it out?
An emotional load?
I feel like what makes it really tip over and something important is just to not take things personally.
And I know it's easier said than done.
It's so much easier said than done.
(11:27):
But as you mature,
I feel like it's more comfortable to just call people out and I don't mean this and I'm like,
no,
I think that's right.
I think if there's something that you're not sure about or you have a doubt,
just tell that person,
you don't have to be a bitch about it or use it like a mom tone,
but just tell them,
listen,
this made me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if this or X or Y and have them clarify that because it's easy to jump to conclusions,
(11:49):
correct and to really understand,
you know,
where they're also coming from.
And if you know,
you get that answer from how their,
how their response is and you kind of just what are some,
what do you think of some healthy boundaries that,
you know,
our listeners or even ourselves can kind of do from a day to day that,
you know,
what's,
what's the first step for healthy boundaries as far as let's go with friendship and then we'll go into family.
(12:11):
Well,
first you have to establish what your boundaries are because if you're not used to having boundaries,
you have to sit down with yourself and say,
what do I really like?
What are my dislikes?
What am I comfortable with?
What are my deal breakers?
I love this person.
What is my deal?
Oh,
what do I need?
So,
it's almost like you're dating your friends a little bit.
It's a different relationship but still there's some similarities there and once you have those boundaries clear in your head,
(12:37):
then you can establish that.
Do you think it's been harder to make friends now as a mom?
Like your mom,
friends versus friends when you're in,
in college and,
and single?
I don't think that is,
you really have to connect with people because as a mom,
you're just so busy juggling so many things and it's hard to just connect with things that you have in common.
Your Children have to have things in common.
(12:58):
You were at least it's not like,
oh,
we had a fireball shot over at the Irish bar.
Like,
I like your shoes.
Exactly.
There's so many more,
um,
people involved and you can't just go to any social event that they invite you to because again,
you have Children that everyone has child care.
You know,
your schedule might not align with that person's schedule because having kids.
Oh,
he naps at this time.
(13:19):
Oh,
my naps at that time.
So there's just so much clashing going on there.
It's hard.
You're gonna learn to.
People are gonna be like,
so,
uh,
did you breastfeed,
did you form a right there?
There's a divide,
there's so many women.
It's so,
it's so ridiculous because for you C section,
oh I was National Bird C section.
Isn't really,
can we just stop that?
(13:40):
Just stop,
you know,
it,
it,
if the,
if the child is healthy,
can we just stop?
It's funny,
I'm kind of in that middle line right now where you said where it's easier or it's different,
I guess to make friends when you didn't have kids versus when you do have kids.
So right now I'm in that middle line of,
you know,
what's working for me right now,
what are some people that I really want around me and your child?
(14:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so right now,
I may not know when he will nap or when he will eat,
but from right now just understanding,
you know,
what are you aligned with?
And is that something that also your energy is so important?
You know,
not really taking negativity and taking things that bother you and trigger you anymore and kind of send that line for yourself to also protect you,
(14:23):
but also your kid on the line.
That's very important.
They say that your vibe attracts your tribe and I believe in that.
Oh,
so talking going into that,
I want to know how you guys found this particular village.
It makes me excited that you guys are here,
Sasha.
You've been here for a few years now.
I would say about almost 2 to 3.
Going on three.
How did you find us Instagram?
(14:44):
Really?
I remember seeing the pictures and thinking,
oh my gosh,
these girls are beautiful.
I thought it was part of like some reality show and I was like,
afraid to even,
you know,
inquire because I was like,
there's no way they're gonna let me and like,
it just looks so perfect.
And so yes,
but I just,
I identified so much with the woman I was seeing,
(15:06):
you know,
in the content in the videos and the pictures and it's just been an honor honestly to be part of the group because it's so hard to find like minded women that are not judgmental and that are moms.
I mean,
hello.
That was just perfect.
Just when I got your application,
I was really excited and I knew that you were really going to vibe with the women and we're so happy.
You're here.
Thank you.
(15:27):
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're fairly new now.
It's gone by pretty quickly though.
It really has.
I feel like I've been here for like a year or so.
That's a good sign.
It's good,
how awesome everyone is and how nice and like you mentioned,
inclusive,
there is no judgment and like,
(15:47):
it's so rare to find,
especially,
you know,
as women and as moms or soon to be moms,
you know,
I found you guys on Instagram too.
And so Instagram,
I just,
I'm always curious because I don't know,
you know,
you get the application and I'm like,
I have no idea.
Sometimes it says like referred by and,
and,
but I'm curious,
you're looking for your tribes.
(16:09):
Exactly.
Exactly.
And to love fashion and beauty.
But to have successful entrepreneurs,
moms who just love being moms and having a group of women that you can also just count on and ask for advice and help.
That's all I wanted.
And please,
I,
you're right now,
you're gonna have a reality check.
(16:29):
Like right now it's,
you're going through the motions and then once the baby gets here,
you'll be like,
wow,
I really was no book and no like me even saying this,
you're not gonna understand until the baby is here and then your spouse or significant other goes to work.
There's gonna be kind of like a shift um as far as like identity and um you're going to question a lot,
(16:51):
like,
just know that we're here.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna say it to you,
but you're not gonna understand until you're in it and you're like,
uh yeah,
no one told me about this part and you're gonna wear,
like,
really ugly panties on the way out from the hospital.
Like,
they're really ugly.
Like,
aw,
you don't?
No,
I don't think I ever did.
I think I wore some of the leggings with the weird,
like,
(17:11):
nude part.
Yeah.
And then I stopped and I was like,
I'm just gonna wear really tight bandage dresses and just roll with rocket.
Yeah.
Just try to put on your old clothes,
don't we?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just for a little bit.
Or you don't be for me.
It was yours.
It,
it depends,
but it's don't get into the whole snap back thing.
(17:32):
Like you literally,
your organs have shifted from the front of your body to the back like it's crazy.
Give your body time and grace.
I keep,
I think the word grace has popped up in every podcast.
Like give yourself grace with every aspect of your life.
You learn a lot of self love after you become a mother.
You really appreciate your body and what it can do.
(17:54):
It,
it's insane.
I'm already appreciating like I'm my body in a whole different light right now.
I don't know.
It's just women are so strong matter like we're strong.
I'm like,
yeah,
physically.
But can you make a human?
Like no,
I made her nose,
her teeth,
her ears.
It's really the bigger they get.
You just stare at them and it's like I created that.
(18:18):
So Sasha has her own.
Um a really great following.
She does a lot of,
is it like emotional work like for parents?
And can you tell us a little bit about it?
A lot on positive parenting love cycle breaking is something I'm super passionate about learning about childhood trauma.
There's something called generational trauma.
And so basically,
I focus on how you can break those cycles because a lot of people aren't aware that they're carrying this until they become parents.
(18:42):
And then they're triggered by a behavior in their child.
And they realize that they're repeating those patterns or when they get married,
usually it's like a big milestone that happens in your life where you actually realize that you are carrying that trauma with you.
Mine was marriage for sure.
Marriage is a trigger.
Um No,
no,
I,
when I entered marriage,
(19:03):
I realized that,
ok,
I'm caring how I react to certain things,
how I,
um just little things like that.
I realize,
ok,
wait a second,
I'm acting a little bit like my,
my dad or my mom that I didn't want to carry over.
And so that's some things,
especially in the past couple of years I've really honed in and want to work on.
So I don't pass it along to my Children.
(19:25):
You're doing great.
You know how,
well,
I think the first step is realizing it.
Right,
because when you don't,
if you're not aware of it,
then you can't change it.
Exactly.
And then wanting to change it.
Exactly.
So powerful because sometimes you realize it but you just don't know how to do it or you're not ready to do it.
It's like telling someone,
listen,
these are the things that you did that hurt me and they're like,
I don't see it.
You know,
then it's never,
(19:45):
it's,
you can get an apology but if they,
they're not self aware or to change it,
they're not going to change it.
It's just going to keep going.
Exactly.
So,
yeah,
and whatever,
the way that you parent your child is,
how they're gonna grow up and how they're gonna parent,
I mean,
it's just a lot of responsibility like it is,
it's wild.
It's all,
(20:05):
it's a,
it's a big job,
you know,
if someone's struggling with boundaries,
all I would say is,
you know,
really,
it's,
it's what are your personal values?
What are some things that are crossing yourself,
um,
personally that are just depleting you,
you gotta get comfortable with it and it doesn't mean that you have to be this,
(20:26):
you know,
horrible person.
I mean,
I love helping other people but you can't help others at your own cost.
I'm not kidding.
I need it.
You become too vulnerable sometimes.
And it's true.
I mean,
becoming a mother does affect you.
I remember before I could see the Saddest movie and I would not try not even like that's dumb.
Yeah.
(20:46):
I'm like,
it's so maybe I'm still crying now,
I cry with anything that's like a little bit sad.
Anything that I'm watching it could be a,
a real movie.
But it,
it,
I question myself every day.
I'm like,
I was not like this something happened,
but I'm a decent mother.
You know,
for you,
if you're on a date with a guy and you notice him visibly checking out another girl during your date,
(21:11):
how would you handle that now?
And how with the Emily things that men don't understand is women take a lot of time to get ready for that particular date.
So,
like I bought a dress,
you know,
I got my hair done.
Your nails,
your,
your makeup,
um,
your shoes,
you worked so hard for this stupid date.
(21:32):
I'm getting mad now and,
you know,
you put so much effort and then,
you know,
Maria from El Barrio,
I'm just kidding,
passes by and some like,
they're not even like real jeans,
you know.
You know,
and you're just like,
why did I even put so much effort?
So,
(21:52):
yeah,
I would,
I would get very upset.
Now I just get quiet.
I,
my anger is now in silence.
I don't respond back to texts.
I,
um,
I kind of just shut down versus like,
vocalize.
I was very vocal and very aggressive in,
in,
in letting them know why they upset me.
Now.
I just shut down.
(22:13):
Um,
you and I are the opposite in the past.
I was more insecure.
So I would have probably just been really quiet and then got home and just cried about it and not spoke to them again.
But today,
if that happened to me,
I would probably be really sarcastic and,
and I have to work on that.
That's great.
It's about giving the person a dose of their own medicine.
Of course,
I'm not like that anymore,
but I feel like back then that was my mentality,
(22:36):
either it would shut down or it would be super sarcastic.
Like there was no in between so disrespectful,
really.
Like I just,
I feel like especially at this age,
if you're on this date,
it's because you've already kind of done it all.
Like I would hope that that wouldn't really phase them,
you know,
but I don't know.
I want him to be obsessed with me like,
(22:57):
yeah,
I don't,
you don't accept less.
It should be like that.
Yeah,
I don't want to deal with that again.
That's why we have to have um high boundaries,
high standards and just do not settle for less.
That's what self love is all about.
Absolutely.
All right,
ladies,
thank you for coming.
Is there a way um if any of the listeners want to reach you for any of your courses or information and to get to know you Ariana Instagrams or Handles,
(23:22):
um you could find me at Sasha Juggles Life on Instagram and tiktok.
And I also have a website called Sasha circle dot com.
And I have a course coming up soon so you can check that out too.
Wonderful.
And if you want to connect,
I have a couple of videos on psychology and boundaries and childhood trauma on tiktok.
It's my girl.
Awesome on tiktok and Instagram.
Thank you guys so much for coming and we're excited for our next week's episode.
(23:45):
We will have the little people that make us moms come into the studio and get to know them and see what they see in us.
So that'll be very,
very funny.
So,
thank you again and uh we want to thank our sponsors for making this possible.
Thank you,
Face Foundry and a beauty edition by Katie.
Thanks again.
Thanks so much.
(24:06):
Been a pleasure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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