May 30, 2024 • 20 mins
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego, and our quirky couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in the most hilarious way. From winning the lottery to debating the chicken-or-egg dilemma, their witty banter never stops.
Join Eric and his friends as they navigate through the chaos of Smartlyville, where the weather is always perfect, and the humor is delightfully imperfect. Discover the unexpected twists of a disability counselor's life, the antics of a stable boy, and the bizarre inventions that promise to change the world, or at least make it laugh.
From relationship advice columns to plans for a grand wedding, this episode is packed with laughter, love, and a touch of the absurd. Don't miss the fun as our characters explore the joys and challenges of life in their unique, smartly way.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego In every single way, Olé!
We're the luckiest couple in the world. Guess why? I know, it's cause we won
300 million. Should be more!
Guess again! How long have you been married?
Tomorrow it will be 50 years. That's pretty good. For a starter marriage.
(00:26):
Oh, no, not again. Yep, every ten years, just like clockwork.
At least it's a Monday and a holiday, so no more spring-offs today. You mean offspring.
I do, do I? Don't get testy with me, Buster. Of course not.
Don't you dare mollycoddle me just because I'm ovulating. I wouldn't dream of it, darling.
(00:51):
I suppose you can always be worse. Could be your period.
I thought you were going to kill me for that one.
Well, you know, I shoved it with sexist, but there's something about ovulation
that puts me in a friendlier mood.
Don't look at me. It's Monday and a holiday. You told me that you'd always be
(01:13):
there for me in my time of need.
True, but we haven't finished rearing our first clutch.
You know, Adair was always so slow it took him two years longer just to hatch.
Which reminds me, I finally figured out which came first, the chicken or the egg.
Oh, Eric quantum smartly solving the mysteries of the universe.
(01:36):
Yeah, it even took me longer than the recipe for anti-gravity.
Well, you kind of cheated with that one. You found it in your mother's cookbook.
True, and I got this one from God. God, huh?
God's online now. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, well, I give which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Drum roll, match roll.
(01:59):
The rooster.
So, did they fire you? No, Adair just got another warning for slurping.
Slurping? Slurping. Sleeping while working. You can't be working while you're sleeping.
(02:20):
Oh, take their side, why don't you? Why not? You never take mine.
Adair voted for you for Homecoming King.
It's been a long downhill slide since then. What?
Fetch, Adair's just a stable boy. Fetch went to college.
You even work at a college now. At least I used to.
(02:40):
The more sober I get, the more I dread going back to work.
Adair thought Fetch loved being a disability counselor. Yeah,
well, ever since I dragged myself into disability, not so much.
Would Fetch rather be an equestrian excretia excavator like Adair?
I don't know. He always seems so cheerful.
Plus, Adair's getting married to a sexy movie star tomorrow.
(03:04):
Adair, do you ever think that Felicia just wants you for your money?
No, Adair doesn't have any. Besides, Adair's not a worrier.
It's not in Adair's onesies. You mean your jeans. Fetch, you know Adair doesn't have any jeans.
Thanks for watching!
(03:24):
Adair, what's on your to-do list for our wedding tomorrow?
Adair doesn't do to-do. What? To-do lists are for things Adair doesn't want to do.
Otherwise, Adair would have already done them.
They should be called Adair don't want to do that list. Then how do you ever get anything done?
Adair does it. Ma does it all. And tomorrow, Felicia will do it. So why even bother?
(03:51):
Uh-huh. Felicia saw the bloody mess when Adair tried to wash the clothes with a chainsaw. Oh, yeah.
And the rescue squad when Adair tried to do the dishes in the carpool.
Mm-hmm. Plus, Felicia passed out cold when Adair tried to make babies with her
on the dining room table. Yes, well.
So when Adair and Felicia get married, Felicia will do all the shopping and everything.
(04:16):
Well, for me to properly shop, we need to have your inheritance.
Like in the movie Fargo? Yes, but we'd better plan an execution.
Winky's our family executioner. He still has old trusty Rusty in the dungeon.
Trusty Rusty? Fetch says you only want Adair's money.
That's ridiculous. You don't have any. But Adair will inherit this penthouse
(04:41):
plus 100 million dollars.
Adair, look deeply into my eyes. You're getting sleepy. You're getting very, very sleepy.
If you take the egg out of the air, Rick, you only have air.
Music.
If you take the egg out of the air, Rick, you only have air.
(05:05):
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Shelly made me an advice columnist for the Smartlyville newsletter.
(05:25):
Advice columnist? Yeah, like Abby Landers or Dear Ann. Huh?
Desperate people will bare their souls to me, and I, in my infinite wisdom,
will show them the light. You mean like Dr. Phil?
More like Dr. Kevorkian.
What's that for, Buster? No offense, but you might not be the world's best advisor.
(05:50):
Yeah, I'm more of a mental health visionary. Oh boy, so how did this happen?
I told Shelly I recently found that helping people is good for my mental health.
Oh, I used to love helping little old ladies across the street.
Oh, it's the rewiring surgery. That's where... They smell like baby powder.
(06:11):
This obsession came from.
And Preparation H. So I'll stand on the corner while you have them sign a disclaimer.
Disclaimer? In the alternative sense of the word. Don't tell me.
Hey, I'm risking my life to walk little old ladies across the street.
Not if you look both ways. So it's only fair for me to be their beneficiary.
(06:36):
How about me? I want a cut.
Okay, where you want it. Phew, what's that?
That you said you wanted to cut cheese not
the cheese a dehydrator
like to make beef jerky yes but a ginormous one to do the whole cow at once
(06:57):
eric doesn't have any cows katty yours is not to reason why it's just to help
eric bye bye bye i can't wrap my head around this that's it,
Eric will probably buy the idea just to shrink Shelly.
Well, if you're curious cray-cray old lady, I'll go get him lickety-split.
(07:19):
Eric, I'm certain you're going to want to invest in this smartly ginormous dehydrator.
Ginormous? Yes, imagine, it will even dehydrate clouds.
But it never rains in San Diego. Well, duh. That's because nobody's dehydrating the cloud. I see.
(07:40):
Have you noticed that in San Diego there's lots of planes but no flies?
Yeah, now that you mention it. So we dehydrate planes and, bingo, flies.
Oh, brother. Plus, you love beef jerky, so you'll save time by doing the whole
cow at once. Preston, we're already getting too much ape metal from the animal rights groups.
(08:06):
Then how about we tackle the biggest problem of all and dehydrate Shelly?
I like her cushy. I don't fancy her as a bag of bone.
Okay then, we'll just shrink her mind. Preston, she's already as small-minded as she will ever get.
Then I'll dehydrate Smartlyville.
(08:29):
Wonderful! A new hotel piece for my Smartopoly board game.
It's a smartly sunny day!
San Diego authorities are requesting the public's help with our prolonged weather stability crisis.
For 68 days in a row, it's been 72 degrees, sunshine, and perfect surfing weather.
(08:52):
Such severe weather perfection has caused a massive tourism bloat that's crushing
San Diego roads and beaches.
Crime is at a standstill as felons have all overdosed on sunshine.
Area retailers, faced with a glut of unsold merchandise, are even advertising for shoplifters.
Meanwhile, local weather forecasters are dying of boredom.
(09:14):
Officials exhort residents to use private jets, reject recycling,
eat more guacamole to help make climate change change faster.
Stay tuned for breaking news as tomorrow will be day 69 of the San Diego weather stability crisis.
Here's the rough draft for my Smartlyville newsletter advice column.
(09:37):
You made it with building blocks?
The nursing mom's left behind a lifetime supply.
You can't make an article with building blocks. I just did.
Shelly couldn't possibly... Resist this newsworthy innovation.
But how would you... The paps will take photos of it and will publish the photos in the newsletter.
(09:59):
Is that brilliant or what? Or what?
So read it. Where do I start? 1200 Coast Highway. Upper left hand corner of the new wall.
Dear Prestovisor, I'm an Aries.
My brother-in-law is a real pain in the alley. He cheats at bowling.
(10:20):
He scams us out of all of our money. He's too big for our wood chipper.
So what should I do with him?
Sincerely, Scene Red.
Preston, that's Shelly and she's talking about you. I know. Isn't that great?
No, she's wood chipper mad.
No worries. Read on. Okay, let's see.
(10:43):
Dear Red, Aries woman needs a big, strong, intelligent man who she can lean on.
Scammers and cheaters have a bad reputation, but they always win in the long run.
So Chip Chip, the old hubby, take up with his bro.
You mean, spray paint, fake gold? I mean, covered in real gold like the dome
(11:09):
of the Iowa State Capitol.
Boy, Eric said I can't do anything without their permission anymore.
Well, tomorrow I'll be a part of the Klan. Well, I'm sure they're not,
you know, white supremacists. And I've always wanted to marry a prince in a golden gazebo.
There ain't no prince. He certainly is. His parents were a king and queen of
(11:32):
the Minnesota Renaissance Faire.
But they retired.
Once a royal, always a royal. Plus, I'm starting this psychic princess movie,
so he'll automatically be a prince.
Real gold will cost a fortune.
Petty cash for the smarties. Is Thumper going? Of course.
He's going to be our officiant. Of course.
(11:57):
You're serious? Totally. I'm gonna be famous?
Massively. You're gonna be voted the sexiest man alive.
Me? With concrete boobs, an empathy belly, and detachable manhood? Yes!
But... but why?
Like Cristobal says, you're every woman's dream. I am?
(12:21):
Yes! They'll have a great time. And you'll have all the babies.
I really don't think... Which is another plus.
But I wanted to know if Thumper's interested in me. Thumper? He's tall.
I thought you loved Shelly, and she's short.
Dark. And she's white.
(12:43):
Handsome. Gotta give him that one. A sharp dresser.
What? He wears a Renaissance Faire friar's robe all the time.
I love my fried chicken.
Plus, he's just plain sexy. In a very male way. I could have sworn you were straight.
(13:03):
Me too. I've never dated a real man before.
Me neither. Then again, I never dated anyone.
Doesn't matter. My crystal ball says they're still going to make you the sexiest man alive.
Preston, I want to invest in the smartly ginormous dehydrator after all. Oh yeah, sure.
(13:31):
50 bucks was ranting about the San Diego weather stability crisis and no rain.
And Shelley complained that we have a leftover warehouse of beer because Fetch
quit drinking. So I thought, why not dehydrate the beer?
(13:54):
It could make a great impact on humanity, donating the water to San Diego.
Oh no, a fortune selling beer and a pill.
Preston, why do you always have to take a worthy philanthropic cause and turn it into a joke?
Eric, I'm not joking.
(14:15):
I was this close. This close.
Hey Thumper, can I borrow your Smartlyville newsletter?
Sorry, I tossed it. You tossed the nanny centerfold?
Yes, I'm waiting for next month. The men's month? Yep, and it's already sold out. Oh no.
(14:35):
Who's it now? Daddy Dearest? Even better, Winky.
Winky? Mommy's insane stalker with concrete boobs, pregnancy empathy belly,
and detached equipment?
Yes, the sexiest person alive. Pervasive, empathetic, and impregnable.
(14:55):
Caddy, I need to borrow this month's Smartlyville newsletter.
Sorry, Preston burnt it. Burned? The nanny centerfold?
Yeah, right into his brain. He said everywhere he looks, that's all he sees.
Did you see it? Oh no, I'm too young. It might ruin me for life.
I'd love to be ruined by her. She's definitely a good kisser. You kissed her?
(15:21):
She gave me mouth-to-mouth at the carpool, remember?
She also gave Preston mouth-to-mouth? Yup. And Felicia. That's it! What?
All I have to do is drown.
Shelly, I'm a bit worried about this egg. Okay, fine. Then you lay the next one.
(15:42):
No offense, but you are getting old. Oh, so now you're going to trade me in for a spring chick?
Of course not. Oh, that's what they all say. Oh, who? All the rich old men who
trade in their old wives for a spring chick.
That's not it. Then what?
Oh, it's Debbie. You're going to trade me in for our neighbor Debbie,
aren't you? Are you crazy? See, of course I am. I'm a woman.
(16:04):
Kelly, that's sexist. So he's saying that my eggs are old.
This egg is cracked and bigger than a refrigerator.
It is bigger than a robin's egg. More like a John Lithgow egg.
Okay, so why don't you tell me how you really feel?
I feel... Yeah. I feel... Yeah. Hen-pecked.
(16:25):
Stay tuned, folks, for the Smartly's True Crime Edition.
The girls were name-shaming in the courtyard this morning. I heard.
They never said things like that before you and Dad moved in.
You're blaming me for your rotten parenting?
Who taught them fetch a pail of water? That's funny.
(16:46):
That's my name, and it's not. But you have a fabulous name.
No, I don't. Whatever possessed you.
We told you that story the day you were born, don't you remember?
You expect me to remember something from the day I was born?
Well, of course. Doesn't everyone down here? Down here?
(17:07):
You know, in California. Refresh my memory.
You were born in a blizzard. You remember that part, right? Your dad and I were
stranded at the Holiday Inn in Worthington, Minnesota.
You named me after a town? It's not like we named you after Faribault or St. Paul.
That's nice. They were your father's favorites, and your father was so nervous
(17:28):
with all the screaming and the blood and... Mother!
So you were born after I sent him out.
Oh, my God. No. Yes.
To fetch a pail of water.
Debbie, was she friendly last night? Yeah, she was, wasn't she?
Books are huge, don't you think?
(17:49):
Yeah, they're even bigger than mine. And they defy gravity.
You know, she can't mop the floor with them the way I can. She was very agreeable, don't you think?
You know, she's boringly predictable,
though, Eric, because she'll do absolutely anything you ask of her.
Her legs are long and shapely.
Natural staginess like mine is in very short supply here in California.
(18:13):
She smells like angel food cake soaked in rum.
No unforgettable pony farts from that skinny-ass chick.
And you say she does yoga every day? Yes, and she's getting her black belt, remember?
In pole dancing. She loves big poles.
(18:34):
And we have a huge one here, don't we? Oh, yes, we do, don't we?
You should ask her over this evening.
Oh, Eric, finally. After all these years, you're down for two plus one equals triple five.
Heavens no! I want her to lead the Labor Day flagpole dance.
(19:01):
Shelley, how did your meeting in the Historical Society go? A bunch of hoity-toity,
funny-dutty old sourpusses.
Nanny was this month's condo newsletter centerfold. A dare heard!
Did you see? I'm going to write a song to teach you the power of persistence.
Abigail, you can't go back to Earth anymore.
(19:24):
Why not? Well, if it isn't old Presto.
Long time no see. Fifty years, to be precise. Thumper, I've never cared about
anyone, ever, in a way that I would ever be able to ask something like this,
but... My SEAL committee went viral!
(19:44):
It bothers me that you're patting saliva on me all the time.
I'm coming to you in my darkest hour.
This is journal 5762 of my video manifesto.
It's a smartly sunny day in san diego in every single way.
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego In every single way, Olé!
We're the luckiest couple in the world. Guess why? I know, it's cause we won
300 million. Should be more!
Guess again! How long have you been married?
Tomorrow it will be 50 years. That's pretty good. For a starter marriage.
(00:26):
Oh, no, not again. Yep, every ten years, just like clockwork.
At least it's a Monday and a holiday, so no more spring-offs today. You mean offspring.
I do, do I? Don't get testy with me, Buster. Of course not.
Don't you dare mollycoddle me just because I'm ovulating. I wouldn't dream of it, darling.
(00:51):
I suppose you can always be worse. Could be your period.
I thought you were going to kill me for that one.
Well, you know, I shoved it with sexist, but there's something about ovulation
that puts me in a friendlier mood.
Don't look at me. It's Monday and a holiday. You told me that you'd always be
(01:13):
there for me in my time of need.
True, but we haven't finished rearing our first clutch.
You know, Adair was always so slow it took him two years longer just to hatch.
Which reminds me, I finally figured out which came first, the chicken or the egg.
Oh, Eric quantum smartly solving the mysteries of the universe.
(01:36):
Yeah, it even took me longer than the recipe for anti-gravity.
Well, you kind of cheated with that one. You found it in your mother's cookbook.
True, and I got this one from God. God, huh?
God's online now. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, well, I give which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Drum roll, match roll.
(01:59):
The rooster.
So, did they fire you? No, Adair just got another warning for slurping.
Slurping? Slurping. Sleeping while working. You can't be working while you're sleeping.
(02:20):
Oh, take their side, why don't you? Why not? You never take mine.
Adair voted for you for Homecoming King.
It's been a long downhill slide since then. What?
Fetch, Adair's just a stable boy. Fetch went to college.
You even work at a college now. At least I used to.
(02:40):
The more sober I get, the more I dread going back to work.
Adair thought Fetch loved being a disability counselor. Yeah,
well, ever since I dragged myself into disability, not so much.
Would Fetch rather be an equestrian excretia excavator like Adair?
I don't know. He always seems so cheerful.
Plus, Adair's getting married to a sexy movie star tomorrow.
(03:04):
Adair, do you ever think that Felicia just wants you for your money?
No, Adair doesn't have any. Besides, Adair's not a worrier.
It's not in Adair's onesies. You mean your jeans. Fetch, you know Adair doesn't have any jeans.
Thanks for watching!
(03:24):
Adair, what's on your to-do list for our wedding tomorrow?
Adair doesn't do to-do. What? To-do lists are for things Adair doesn't want to do.
Otherwise, Adair would have already done them.
They should be called Adair don't want to do that list. Then how do you ever get anything done?
Adair does it. Ma does it all. And tomorrow, Felicia will do it. So why even bother?
(03:51):
Uh-huh. Felicia saw the bloody mess when Adair tried to wash the clothes with a chainsaw. Oh, yeah.
And the rescue squad when Adair tried to do the dishes in the carpool.
Mm-hmm. Plus, Felicia passed out cold when Adair tried to make babies with her
on the dining room table. Yes, well.
So when Adair and Felicia get married, Felicia will do all the shopping and everything.
(04:16):
Well, for me to properly shop, we need to have your inheritance.
Like in the movie Fargo? Yes, but we'd better plan an execution.
Winky's our family executioner. He still has old trusty Rusty in the dungeon.
Trusty Rusty? Fetch says you only want Adair's money.
That's ridiculous. You don't have any. But Adair will inherit this penthouse
(04:41):
plus 100 million dollars.
Adair, look deeply into my eyes. You're getting sleepy. You're getting very, very sleepy.
If you take the egg out of the air, Rick, you only have air.
Music.
If you take the egg out of the air, Rick, you only have air.
(05:05):
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Shelly made me an advice columnist for the Smartlyville newsletter.
(05:25):
Advice columnist? Yeah, like Abby Landers or Dear Ann. Huh?
Desperate people will bare their souls to me, and I, in my infinite wisdom,
will show them the light. You mean like Dr. Phil?
More like Dr. Kevorkian.
What's that for, Buster? No offense, but you might not be the world's best advisor.
(05:50):
Yeah, I'm more of a mental health visionary. Oh boy, so how did this happen?
I told Shelly I recently found that helping people is good for my mental health.
Oh, I used to love helping little old ladies across the street.
Oh, it's the rewiring surgery. That's where... They smell like baby powder.
(06:11):
This obsession came from.
And Preparation H. So I'll stand on the corner while you have them sign a disclaimer.
Disclaimer? In the alternative sense of the word. Don't tell me.
Hey, I'm risking my life to walk little old ladies across the street.
Not if you look both ways. So it's only fair for me to be their beneficiary.
(06:36):
How about me? I want a cut.
Okay, where you want it. Phew, what's that?
That you said you wanted to cut cheese not
the cheese a dehydrator
like to make beef jerky yes but a ginormous one to do the whole cow at once
(06:57):
eric doesn't have any cows katty yours is not to reason why it's just to help
eric bye bye bye i can't wrap my head around this that's it,
Eric will probably buy the idea just to shrink Shelly.
Well, if you're curious cray-cray old lady, I'll go get him lickety-split.
(07:19):
Eric, I'm certain you're going to want to invest in this smartly ginormous dehydrator.
Ginormous? Yes, imagine, it will even dehydrate clouds.
But it never rains in San Diego. Well, duh. That's because nobody's dehydrating the cloud. I see.
(07:40):
Have you noticed that in San Diego there's lots of planes but no flies?
Yeah, now that you mention it. So we dehydrate planes and, bingo, flies.
Oh, brother. Plus, you love beef jerky, so you'll save time by doing the whole
cow at once. Preston, we're already getting too much ape metal from the animal rights groups.
(08:06):
Then how about we tackle the biggest problem of all and dehydrate Shelly?
I like her cushy. I don't fancy her as a bag of bone.
Okay then, we'll just shrink her mind. Preston, she's already as small-minded as she will ever get.
Then I'll dehydrate Smartlyville.
(08:29):
Wonderful! A new hotel piece for my Smartopoly board game.
It's a smartly sunny day!
San Diego authorities are requesting the public's help with our prolonged weather stability crisis.
For 68 days in a row, it's been 72 degrees, sunshine, and perfect surfing weather.
(08:52):
Such severe weather perfection has caused a massive tourism bloat that's crushing
San Diego roads and beaches.
Crime is at a standstill as felons have all overdosed on sunshine.
Area retailers, faced with a glut of unsold merchandise, are even advertising for shoplifters.
Meanwhile, local weather forecasters are dying of boredom.
(09:14):
Officials exhort residents to use private jets, reject recycling,
eat more guacamole to help make climate change change faster.
Stay tuned for breaking news as tomorrow will be day 69 of the San Diego weather stability crisis.
Here's the rough draft for my Smartlyville newsletter advice column.
(09:37):
You made it with building blocks?
The nursing mom's left behind a lifetime supply.
You can't make an article with building blocks. I just did.
Shelly couldn't possibly... Resist this newsworthy innovation.
But how would you... The paps will take photos of it and will publish the photos in the newsletter.
(09:59):
Is that brilliant or what? Or what?
So read it. Where do I start? 1200 Coast Highway. Upper left hand corner of the new wall.
Dear Prestovisor, I'm an Aries.
My brother-in-law is a real pain in the alley. He cheats at bowling.
(10:20):
He scams us out of all of our money. He's too big for our wood chipper.
So what should I do with him?
Sincerely, Scene Red.
Preston, that's Shelly and she's talking about you. I know. Isn't that great?
No, she's wood chipper mad.
No worries. Read on. Okay, let's see.
(10:43):
Dear Red, Aries woman needs a big, strong, intelligent man who she can lean on.
Scammers and cheaters have a bad reputation, but they always win in the long run.
So Chip Chip, the old hubby, take up with his bro.
You mean, spray paint, fake gold? I mean, covered in real gold like the dome
(11:09):
of the Iowa State Capitol.
Boy, Eric said I can't do anything without their permission anymore.
Well, tomorrow I'll be a part of the Klan. Well, I'm sure they're not,
you know, white supremacists. And I've always wanted to marry a prince in a golden gazebo.
There ain't no prince. He certainly is. His parents were a king and queen of
(11:32):
the Minnesota Renaissance Faire.
But they retired.
Once a royal, always a royal. Plus, I'm starting this psychic princess movie,
so he'll automatically be a prince.
Real gold will cost a fortune.
Petty cash for the smarties. Is Thumper going? Of course.
He's going to be our officiant. Of course.
(11:57):
You're serious? Totally. I'm gonna be famous?
Massively. You're gonna be voted the sexiest man alive.
Me? With concrete boobs, an empathy belly, and detachable manhood? Yes!
But... but why?
Like Cristobal says, you're every woman's dream. I am?
(12:21):
Yes! They'll have a great time. And you'll have all the babies.
I really don't think... Which is another plus.
But I wanted to know if Thumper's interested in me. Thumper? He's tall.
I thought you loved Shelly, and she's short.
Dark. And she's white.
(12:43):
Handsome. Gotta give him that one. A sharp dresser.
What? He wears a Renaissance Faire friar's robe all the time.
I love my fried chicken.
Plus, he's just plain sexy. In a very male way. I could have sworn you were straight.
(13:03):
Me too. I've never dated a real man before.
Me neither. Then again, I never dated anyone.
Doesn't matter. My crystal ball says they're still going to make you the sexiest man alive.
Preston, I want to invest in the smartly ginormous dehydrator after all. Oh yeah, sure.
(13:31):
50 bucks was ranting about the San Diego weather stability crisis and no rain.
And Shelley complained that we have a leftover warehouse of beer because Fetch
quit drinking. So I thought, why not dehydrate the beer?
(13:54):
It could make a great impact on humanity, donating the water to San Diego.
Oh no, a fortune selling beer and a pill.
Preston, why do you always have to take a worthy philanthropic cause and turn it into a joke?
Eric, I'm not joking.
(14:15):
I was this close. This close.
Hey Thumper, can I borrow your Smartlyville newsletter?
Sorry, I tossed it. You tossed the nanny centerfold?
Yes, I'm waiting for next month. The men's month? Yep, and it's already sold out. Oh no.
(14:35):
Who's it now? Daddy Dearest? Even better, Winky.
Winky? Mommy's insane stalker with concrete boobs, pregnancy empathy belly,
and detached equipment?
Yes, the sexiest person alive. Pervasive, empathetic, and impregnable.
(14:55):
Caddy, I need to borrow this month's Smartlyville newsletter.
Sorry, Preston burnt it. Burned? The nanny centerfold?
Yeah, right into his brain. He said everywhere he looks, that's all he sees.
Did you see it? Oh no, I'm too young. It might ruin me for life.
I'd love to be ruined by her. She's definitely a good kisser. You kissed her?
(15:21):
She gave me mouth-to-mouth at the carpool, remember?
She also gave Preston mouth-to-mouth? Yup. And Felicia. That's it! What?
All I have to do is drown.
Shelly, I'm a bit worried about this egg. Okay, fine. Then you lay the next one.
(15:42):
No offense, but you are getting old. Oh, so now you're going to trade me in for a spring chick?
Of course not. Oh, that's what they all say. Oh, who? All the rich old men who
trade in their old wives for a spring chick.
That's not it. Then what?
Oh, it's Debbie. You're going to trade me in for our neighbor Debbie,
aren't you? Are you crazy? See, of course I am. I'm a woman.
(16:04):
Kelly, that's sexist. So he's saying that my eggs are old.
This egg is cracked and bigger than a refrigerator.
It is bigger than a robin's egg. More like a John Lithgow egg.
Okay, so why don't you tell me how you really feel?
I feel... Yeah. I feel... Yeah. Hen-pecked.
(16:25):
Stay tuned, folks, for the Smartly's True Crime Edition.
The girls were name-shaming in the courtyard this morning. I heard.
They never said things like that before you and Dad moved in.
You're blaming me for your rotten parenting?
Who taught them fetch a pail of water? That's funny.
(16:46):
That's my name, and it's not. But you have a fabulous name.
No, I don't. Whatever possessed you.
We told you that story the day you were born, don't you remember?
You expect me to remember something from the day I was born?
Well, of course. Doesn't everyone down here? Down here?
(17:07):
You know, in California. Refresh my memory.
You were born in a blizzard. You remember that part, right? Your dad and I were
stranded at the Holiday Inn in Worthington, Minnesota.
You named me after a town? It's not like we named you after Faribault or St. Paul.
That's nice. They were your father's favorites, and your father was so nervous
(17:28):
with all the screaming and the blood and... Mother!
So you were born after I sent him out.
Oh, my God. No. Yes.
To fetch a pail of water.
Debbie, was she friendly last night? Yeah, she was, wasn't she?
Books are huge, don't you think?
(17:49):
Yeah, they're even bigger than mine. And they defy gravity.
You know, she can't mop the floor with them the way I can. She was very agreeable, don't you think?
You know, she's boringly predictable,
though, Eric, because she'll do absolutely anything you ask of her.
Her legs are long and shapely.
Natural staginess like mine is in very short supply here in California.
(18:13):
She smells like angel food cake soaked in rum.
No unforgettable pony farts from that skinny-ass chick.
And you say she does yoga every day? Yes, and she's getting her black belt, remember?
In pole dancing. She loves big poles.
(18:34):
And we have a huge one here, don't we? Oh, yes, we do, don't we?
You should ask her over this evening.
Oh, Eric, finally. After all these years, you're down for two plus one equals triple five.
Heavens no! I want her to lead the Labor Day flagpole dance.
(19:01):
Shelley, how did your meeting in the Historical Society go? A bunch of hoity-toity,
funny-dutty old sourpusses.
Nanny was this month's condo newsletter centerfold. A dare heard!
Did you see? I'm going to write a song to teach you the power of persistence.
Abigail, you can't go back to Earth anymore.
(19:24):
Why not? Well, if it isn't old Presto.
Long time no see. Fifty years, to be precise. Thumper, I've never cared about
anyone, ever, in a way that I would ever be able to ask something like this,
but... My SEAL committee went viral!
(19:44):
It bothers me that you're patting saliva on me all the time.
I'm coming to you in my darkest hour.
This is journal 5762 of my video manifesto.
It's a smartly sunny day in san diego in every single way.
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