May 30, 2024 • 20 mins
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego, and the Smartly family is up to their usual antics! From winning a whopping $300 million to celebrating a 50-year marriage, there's never a dull moment. Eric and Shelley navigate their unique relationship, while other family members deal with their own quirky challenges.
The episode features a mad rapist on the loose, a hilarious citizen's arrest, and the discovery of a new medical condition called "prenesia." Meanwhile, Adare and Philesha plan their wedding menu, featuring unconventional dishes like imitation yak and deep-fried cool-aid.
As the family prepares for Carrie's concert in the courtyard, Preston's Caddy contemplates starting a room service business, and Eric receives an unusual pre-anniversary gift. The Smartlyville Council comes up with an innovative solution to the highway funding problem, and the weather forecast promises the end of San Diego's Weather Stability Crisis.
Join the Smartly family as they navigate life's ups and downs with humor, love, and a touch of insanity. It's a day filled with laughter, unexpected twists, and heartwarming moments in the sunny city of San Diego!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego, in every single way, olé!
We're the luckiest couple in the world.
Guess why? I know, it's cause we won 300 million. Should've been more!
Guess again! How long have you been married?
Tomorrow it will be 50 years. That's pretty good, for a starter marriage.
(00:26):
Ma'am, have you seen this man? I'm sorry, officer. I have a very bad face for memories.
You mean you have a bad memory for... Stop copsplaining.
Wait here. I need to touch up my makeup before the rest of you chippin' males arrive.
Chippin'? Ma'am, there's a mad rapist on the loose. What's he mad about? What?
(00:47):
Well, you'd think that all that sex would make him pretty happy,
so... Ma'am, rape isn't about sex.
It's about power and control. Oh, you mean it's like marriage.
Well, not quite. You know, married people don't usually get much sex. Well... If any.
Except, of course, I get plenty of it. Except for Mondays, Wednesdays,
(01:08):
Fridays, and all national holidays.
Ma'am, we need you to notify all the residents that the Labor Day rapist has escaped.
He only rapes on Labor Day? Yes, it's his M.O. Oh, you mean a modicon?
No, no, no. No, M-O, modus operandi, of course. I haven't used those since my hysterectomy.
(01:30):
Dispatch, we got a code 5150 in Smartleyville.
1200 Coast Highway, unit number... Cody is in unit 123.
Correction, homicide in progress.
I saw the nanny's tattoo. Is it pretty?
It's greater than you could even imagine. Pocity learned Ma's love language.
(01:54):
Oh, we all know yours. Huh?
Baby talk. Adair and Felicia are sampling caterers today.
What's gonna be your wedding entree? Deep-fried Kool-Aid? Fetch,
don't be silly. It's for dessert!
So, what's the main course? Felicia wants imitation yak made from tofu and chestnuts.
(02:14):
A deer wants popped tuna eyeballs with elephant groin sauce.
Yuck. Anyway, Thumper's going to perform our vows. I didn't know he wasn't efficient.
Oh, yes. Thumper specializes in everything.
My life is over. I can't see the future anymore.
(02:35):
You're the star of the show. I'm sure the director will understand.
No, she won't. She's a New Yorker.
Felicia, it's not politically correct to... Not a politician.
You never know. Ma said you could be if... If what?
If my psychic powers never return? You're a California actor.
The sky's the limit for you in politics.
(02:56):
Great. I run for president just as soon as I can predict the vote again.
The doctor said they're going to name the condition after you.
Felicia's psychic pre-kinesia. No, they can't let anyone know if word gets out my career is over.
But it's such an honor. You're the first psychic to get pre-nesia.
(03:20):
Why, oh why? Why couldn't I have just gotten amnesia?
Like everyone else.
We're all working on Carrie's concert in the courtyard today. Do you want to help?
Nah, that's more your thing. I'm dealing with some Abigail stuff.
Carrie has taken up songwriting. That's nice.
(03:40):
And your dad is helping her plant a butterfly garden. Planting milkweed.
Figures. That's exactly what we need around here is more weeds.
Why are you such a grouch today?
Abigail stopped by while I was in AA. So you didn't get to ask her for a divorce?
Well, I'm not sure what to do. Since divorcing her would be a dead giveaway
(04:00):
that she's not really dead. The End,
Let's blow nose bubbles like Uncle Adair. No, lady, I don't think so.
Carrie has a crush on you. She does?
Yep, but Daddy says she's too young for you. How old is she, anyway?
Fourteen. Your daddy's right. She's definitely too young for me.
(04:24):
Daddy said I'm a dorker nerd.
What? Why did he say that? Because kids call me geek. That's a compliment.
Carrie said it's a bad thing for a girl. No, it just means you're smart.
Which is great. Then can you teach me how to make a database?
Uh, sure. For what?
I want to research the steels. Like Dr. Goodall. I'd be honored.
(04:50):
Thumper, Catty said he'd watch Lenny for me if he need any more help with the
setup for the concert. We just need all the chairs set up. Yeah, how's that?
Well, I'll be. I ain't seen nothing like that since Liberace trolled in the
spotlights. Pinky fingers spray, you'll never tell? No?
Of course I won't. Only because nobody'd ever believe.
(05:12):
Remember, Felicia said I was going to be a famous chef, so I have to start somewhere.
I'm debating starting Smartlyville Room Service or a food truck in a courtyard.
What do you think? You're my caddy. Where will you find the time?
You hardly ever golf anymore. It's not my fault that it's more fun trying for
(05:33):
a hole-in-one with the ladies.
Besides, I could set my own hours.
Go for room service. Hardly anyone ever cooks anymore.
Good point. Next I just need hours and a menu. Start with dinner.
How about a hole-in-one angel food cake? Green frosting and ice cream balls in the center.
Yes, and cleavage cake.
(05:54):
Two big mounds of cake topped with cherries.
Thank you.
I'm brainstorming ideas for Eric to invest in today. How about Smartly Villa Room Service?
Nah, that's way too normal. He'd never consider it. What about Orange Saltwater Taffy?
(06:15):
We could use free salt from the ocean. And oranges from the courtyard.
That's it! Finally, a normal business plan. We'll open a non-profit agency to
raise the awareness of orange. Orange?
Yes, everyone says it's the new black. And they already have charities for blacks,
(06:35):
browns, pinks, rainbows, greens, and grays.
Greens? Yeah, sure, green peas. Grays? You know, seniors.
Eric's a good guy, so the road to his pocket would be straight through his heart.
Shelly, I have this pre-anniversary present for you. Why, Eric,
(06:56):
thank you. Why, let me see.
Yep, I took one look at that and I thought, definitely, this is what Shelley needs.
Why, it's a... It's what you've needed for years.
An extra-wide rear-view mirror? So you can see what's behind you.
Eric, I already know what's behind me. You do?
(07:16):
Yes, the most wonderful, thoughtful, handsome, and considerate man in the world.
Well, thank you. I wasn't sure how you were going to take this.
Yes, there's no man in the whole world more attentive than Winky.
Say what? You didn't honestly think you were getting into this sly little fat-shaming
scene in the show, did you?
(07:37):
Fat-shaming? Yeah, that's what you meant, wasn't it? No, no, no.
I love you just the way you are. Oh, Eric. You rotten female driver and all.
Who is it?
Scam likely. Tell Preston I'll be right down. Yeah, Preston, what's up?
I've finally found a surefire investment for you.
(08:01):
It's irresistible. You're a caring and generous guy, wouldn't you say?
The words Scottish and generous do not belong in the same sentence.
But first time for everything, eh, bro? So what is it?
I'm going to start a non-profit agency called Orange Awareness Network.
To raise awareness of the colour orange and nothing else? How about we throw in stilettos?
(08:26):
Orange stilettos. Knives or heels? Oh, I love feet, so definitely heels.
How would you advertise it?
I'd dress up the Cardiff Cook in presto orange stilettos.
Preston, that would never work. Why not? The Cardiff Cook is kooky, not kinky.
How do you know that? Don't tell Shelly, but I read his profile on a dating site.
(08:54):
If it bleeds, it leaves. Shelly Smartly has made a citizen's arrest of the escaped Labor Day mad rapist.
She's torturing him with the Smartly Sunny Day jingle on loop.
Smartlyville Medical Center has discovered a new disease called prenesia.
Sufferers are unable to predict the future, leaving them in a constant state of dread.
(09:16):
On a happier note, Smartlyville is launching a new room service program by Preston's Caddy.
In politics, Smartlyville Council has solved the highway funding program by
ordering parking tickets to all vehicles parked on the freeway during rush hour.
Our weather forecast is for scattered raindrops today, one in San Diego and
the other one on Coast Highway in La Jolla.
(09:36):
This will mark the official end to the San Diego weather stability crisis. Music,
Preston, I was a pessimist before I had cataract surgery. Now I can see the
bright side of everything.
Great. Then you're going to donate to my orange awareness charity?
I'm thinking about it. But first, I thought I'd give you the opportunity to pay me a compliment.
(09:59):
What? You know I grew up too poor to even pay attention.
Yes. And compliments are much more taxing. I promise I won't report it to the IRS.
Just say one good, true, and kind thing about me.
I knew he would choke on trying to give me a real compliment.
(10:21):
Shelley will be overjoyed for Heston Getsy's marriage made in heaven.
Thumper, did you hear that Felicia wanted Adair to talk dirty to her,
But he used all of his mom's bad words, like dust, vacuum, wash.
(10:42):
Pretty soon the whole place was sparkling.
But Felicia's not talking to him anymore.
So Kerry got revenge by telling Adair there was going to be a media shower last night.
So he went to the rooftop observatory with soap and a towel.
Yeah. And then Felicia sent him to the grocery store and they carded him for buying baby food.
(11:09):
Felicia, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but Letty's busy and I need your
help to talk with Abigail.
Abigail Smartly, come hither now.
Oh yeah, that feels so... What now? I need your help with the divorce.
(11:30):
Fitch, I'm busy. I'm in another war right now. Wow.
I know, but Nanny won't date me as long as we're still married.
And I can't live with the lie that you're dead.
So, what do you want me to do? Sign the divorce papers.
Really? You interrupt this for that? I'd rather be dead.
(11:57):
Abigail, you're the one who left me. Why are you being so difficult?
Because I have the right to keep and bear grudges.
Excuse me, Fetch. Why did you divorce when she's already dead?
Because she's not really dead.
Yeah, well, try to tell her that.
(12:18):
Shelley, do you think we should share with our viewers the secret to a great sex life? Yes.
You know, the secret to a great sex life is... To get married.
And then have a series of affairs.
But only with your spouse. Of course.
And never fight. We've only had one fight ever.
And that will be over any century now. Plus, you should only marry someone who...
(12:40):
Fills your heart with joy. Every time they leave.
And that way you will never be... Disappointed in love.
Eric, did you know that in high school I was voted most likely to be the first
female judge of the Mr. Universe contest?
Wow, and were you? No, silly, of course not. You know I don't have my law degree.
(13:01):
You are my favorite blonde. Oh, thank you, Eric. I love you.
Even if you are colorblind.
Nanny, thanks for reviving Felicia again. What was Abigail doing there?
We were discussing the divorce.
Did you talk her into it? No, not yet.
(13:21):
The primary problem is Felicia believes that Abigail is dead.
But she doesn't know it won't hurt her. It just did. That's why she fainted. Oh, dear.
I was terrified of losing. It was worse than death to me.
But failure's the only way to win, so I fail over and over again.
(13:46):
Since I choose the winning attitude of per-per-per-persistence,
now I'm like a butterfly, graceful and free.
Never afraid of failure, not me.
(14:10):
Thumper said that before we get married, we need to get to know each other.
I prefer a whiff of mystery myself.
First up, does Felicia have any medical conditions that Adair should be aware of?
No, I'm entirely healthy.
Except for a pre-nicea. Yes.
(14:31):
And chronic fainting. Yes. And menopause.
Yes. Well, that was easy enough. What about your health? Adair has low corn syrup levels.
And Adair was a premature baby. I always wondered.
(14:52):
Yes, Adair was premature by six minutes.
Preston could save himself millions of dollars if he would just quit wanting everything.
Eric, you really can't blame anyone for having desires.
Yes, especially you. Exactly. Yeah, but the only thing he desires is luxury.
(15:18):
We just shouldn't be throwing stones at people who like the finer things in life.
After all, we won $300 million and we own this luxury beachfront complex.
Plus, we have our whole wonderful family living here.
Eric, how many times do I have to tell you to stop using the F word?
(15:38):
This whole misadventure was your idea in the first place, Shelly.
I bought it for the treehouse in Fajita, remember?
Eric, Fajita is in another galaxy entirely. We'd never get back in time for the girls' graduation.
Plus, if we weren't here, Fetch would still be drinking.
But the caddy would still be in homeschooling. Letty and Kerry would be in reform school.
(16:03):
Where they have excellent music and oceanography courses.
Besides, they have very strict laws in Fahiti. They don't even allow cars.
The lack of carpools would be a good thing. Maybe for you, but I can't even
imagine life without carpool boy candy.
You can run, but you can't hide. What do you mean?
(16:25):
Everywhere I take you, your sex drive tags along.
So would you like me better if I drove it somewhere else?
No, no, no, no, that's not the point. I think the problem is that you'd enjoy a little variety, too.
You're just too stuffy to admit it.
Stuffy? I can't believe I said that out loud.
(16:46):
You've been wanting to call me stuffy for 50 years, haven't you?
Of course, you can't be in a relationship without... Having feelings you want to stop?
No, it needs to be worked out in more positive ways. Like learning someone's love language?
(17:06):
Oh, no, you've been talking to Nanny again, haven't you?
Mom, you never listen to me. You're always chasing the carpool boys.
And she's a sweet, understanding, single blonde who only wants you for your money and a green card.
No, she wants to help me be happier. I thought you were already the happiest guy on earth.
(17:31):
Yes, there's always room for improvement. People are a lot happier when they
stop trying to improve everything.
So you think not wanting things is a key to happiness? in this?
Absolutely. You've already pointed out that that's Preston's problem.
The only difference between you is that he wants more cars and you want more happiness and less sex.
(17:54):
Shelly, I really don't want less sex. You don't? I just want you to think I
do so that you keep on wanting me.
Eric, you should know by now it's not possible for me to stop wanting you.
And I know deep down and you feel the same way.
But it's been 50 years and I still haven't got to the bottom of it. The bottom of what?
(18:16):
You know, the bottom of my deep down. That's okay, Eric.
The bottom line is the only universe that I want to be in is with you.
Aw, thank you, Shelly.
I'm running out of ideas of how to get rid of her money.
Don't you look at me. I'm doing my level best to get rid of it.
(18:38):
Don't tell Felicia that before the wedding. Being president might be all Felicia can do.
If they can't find a cure. I told Catty you had a crush on him. Plenty!
Why'd you do that? She said I have a crush on you. And I don't.
Oh, that's a relief. thief.
It is? My AA sponsor said I need to find a reason to live despite everything.
(19:01):
I just found one. What is it? I want to remember every despicable word when
I torture the smartly secrets out of you.
Did you hear that? No, what?
The sound of our bedroom door slamming shut.
If this fake If Twin Seance ever gets out, my reputation will be ruined.
(19:22):
Think of it this way. A little guilt is a very small price to pay.
Yeah, for someone without a conscience.
I knew you'd see it my way. Mm-hmm.
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego.
In every single way. Olé!
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego, in every single way, olé!
We're the luckiest couple in the world.
Guess why? I know, it's cause we won 300 million. Should've been more!
Guess again! How long have you been married?
Tomorrow it will be 50 years. That's pretty good, for a starter marriage.
(00:26):
Ma'am, have you seen this man? I'm sorry, officer. I have a very bad face for memories.
You mean you have a bad memory for... Stop copsplaining.
Wait here. I need to touch up my makeup before the rest of you chippin' males arrive.
Chippin'? Ma'am, there's a mad rapist on the loose. What's he mad about? What?
(00:47):
Well, you'd think that all that sex would make him pretty happy,
so... Ma'am, rape isn't about sex.
It's about power and control. Oh, you mean it's like marriage.
Well, not quite. You know, married people don't usually get much sex. Well... If any.
Except, of course, I get plenty of it. Except for Mondays, Wednesdays,
(01:08):
Fridays, and all national holidays.
Ma'am, we need you to notify all the residents that the Labor Day rapist has escaped.
He only rapes on Labor Day? Yes, it's his M.O. Oh, you mean a modicon?
No, no, no. No, M-O, modus operandi, of course. I haven't used those since my hysterectomy.
(01:30):
Dispatch, we got a code 5150 in Smartleyville.
1200 Coast Highway, unit number... Cody is in unit 123.
Correction, homicide in progress.
I saw the nanny's tattoo. Is it pretty?
It's greater than you could even imagine. Pocity learned Ma's love language.
(01:54):
Oh, we all know yours. Huh?
Baby talk. Adair and Felicia are sampling caterers today.
What's gonna be your wedding entree? Deep-fried Kool-Aid? Fetch,
don't be silly. It's for dessert!
So, what's the main course? Felicia wants imitation yak made from tofu and chestnuts.
(02:14):
A deer wants popped tuna eyeballs with elephant groin sauce.
Yuck. Anyway, Thumper's going to perform our vows. I didn't know he wasn't efficient.
Oh, yes. Thumper specializes in everything.
My life is over. I can't see the future anymore.
(02:35):
You're the star of the show. I'm sure the director will understand.
No, she won't. She's a New Yorker.
Felicia, it's not politically correct to... Not a politician.
You never know. Ma said you could be if... If what?
If my psychic powers never return? You're a California actor.
The sky's the limit for you in politics.
(02:56):
Great. I run for president just as soon as I can predict the vote again.
The doctor said they're going to name the condition after you.
Felicia's psychic pre-kinesia. No, they can't let anyone know if word gets out my career is over.
But it's such an honor. You're the first psychic to get pre-nesia.
(03:20):
Why, oh why? Why couldn't I have just gotten amnesia?
Like everyone else.
We're all working on Carrie's concert in the courtyard today. Do you want to help?
Nah, that's more your thing. I'm dealing with some Abigail stuff.
Carrie has taken up songwriting. That's nice.
(03:40):
And your dad is helping her plant a butterfly garden. Planting milkweed.
Figures. That's exactly what we need around here is more weeds.
Why are you such a grouch today?
Abigail stopped by while I was in AA. So you didn't get to ask her for a divorce?
Well, I'm not sure what to do. Since divorcing her would be a dead giveaway
(04:00):
that she's not really dead. The End,
Let's blow nose bubbles like Uncle Adair. No, lady, I don't think so.
Carrie has a crush on you. She does?
Yep, but Daddy says she's too young for you. How old is she, anyway?
Fourteen. Your daddy's right. She's definitely too young for me.
(04:24):
Daddy said I'm a dorker nerd.
What? Why did he say that? Because kids call me geek. That's a compliment.
Carrie said it's a bad thing for a girl. No, it just means you're smart.
Which is great. Then can you teach me how to make a database?
Uh, sure. For what?
I want to research the steels. Like Dr. Goodall. I'd be honored.
(04:50):
Thumper, Catty said he'd watch Lenny for me if he need any more help with the
setup for the concert. We just need all the chairs set up. Yeah, how's that?
Well, I'll be. I ain't seen nothing like that since Liberace trolled in the
spotlights. Pinky fingers spray, you'll never tell? No?
Of course I won't. Only because nobody'd ever believe.
(05:12):
Remember, Felicia said I was going to be a famous chef, so I have to start somewhere.
I'm debating starting Smartlyville Room Service or a food truck in a courtyard.
What do you think? You're my caddy. Where will you find the time?
You hardly ever golf anymore. It's not my fault that it's more fun trying for
(05:33):
a hole-in-one with the ladies.
Besides, I could set my own hours.
Go for room service. Hardly anyone ever cooks anymore.
Good point. Next I just need hours and a menu. Start with dinner.
How about a hole-in-one angel food cake? Green frosting and ice cream balls in the center.
Yes, and cleavage cake.
(05:54):
Two big mounds of cake topped with cherries.
Thank you.
I'm brainstorming ideas for Eric to invest in today. How about Smartly Villa Room Service?
Nah, that's way too normal. He'd never consider it. What about Orange Saltwater Taffy?
(06:15):
We could use free salt from the ocean. And oranges from the courtyard.
That's it! Finally, a normal business plan. We'll open a non-profit agency to
raise the awareness of orange. Orange?
Yes, everyone says it's the new black. And they already have charities for blacks,
(06:35):
browns, pinks, rainbows, greens, and grays.
Greens? Yeah, sure, green peas. Grays? You know, seniors.
Eric's a good guy, so the road to his pocket would be straight through his heart.
Shelly, I have this pre-anniversary present for you. Why, Eric,
(06:56):
thank you. Why, let me see.
Yep, I took one look at that and I thought, definitely, this is what Shelley needs.
Why, it's a... It's what you've needed for years.
An extra-wide rear-view mirror? So you can see what's behind you.
Eric, I already know what's behind me. You do?
(07:16):
Yes, the most wonderful, thoughtful, handsome, and considerate man in the world.
Well, thank you. I wasn't sure how you were going to take this.
Yes, there's no man in the whole world more attentive than Winky.
Say what? You didn't honestly think you were getting into this sly little fat-shaming
scene in the show, did you?
(07:37):
Fat-shaming? Yeah, that's what you meant, wasn't it? No, no, no.
I love you just the way you are. Oh, Eric. You rotten female driver and all.
Who is it?
Scam likely. Tell Preston I'll be right down. Yeah, Preston, what's up?
I've finally found a surefire investment for you.
(08:01):
It's irresistible. You're a caring and generous guy, wouldn't you say?
The words Scottish and generous do not belong in the same sentence.
But first time for everything, eh, bro? So what is it?
I'm going to start a non-profit agency called Orange Awareness Network.
To raise awareness of the colour orange and nothing else? How about we throw in stilettos?
(08:26):
Orange stilettos. Knives or heels? Oh, I love feet, so definitely heels.
How would you advertise it?
I'd dress up the Cardiff Cook in presto orange stilettos.
Preston, that would never work. Why not? The Cardiff Cook is kooky, not kinky.
How do you know that? Don't tell Shelly, but I read his profile on a dating site.
(08:54):
If it bleeds, it leaves. Shelly Smartly has made a citizen's arrest of the escaped Labor Day mad rapist.
She's torturing him with the Smartly Sunny Day jingle on loop.
Smartlyville Medical Center has discovered a new disease called prenesia.
Sufferers are unable to predict the future, leaving them in a constant state of dread.
(09:16):
On a happier note, Smartlyville is launching a new room service program by Preston's Caddy.
In politics, Smartlyville Council has solved the highway funding program by
ordering parking tickets to all vehicles parked on the freeway during rush hour.
Our weather forecast is for scattered raindrops today, one in San Diego and
the other one on Coast Highway in La Jolla.
(09:36):
This will mark the official end to the San Diego weather stability crisis. Music,
Preston, I was a pessimist before I had cataract surgery. Now I can see the
bright side of everything.
Great. Then you're going to donate to my orange awareness charity?
I'm thinking about it. But first, I thought I'd give you the opportunity to pay me a compliment.
(09:59):
What? You know I grew up too poor to even pay attention.
Yes. And compliments are much more taxing. I promise I won't report it to the IRS.
Just say one good, true, and kind thing about me.
I knew he would choke on trying to give me a real compliment.
(10:21):
Shelley will be overjoyed for Heston Getsy's marriage made in heaven.
Thumper, did you hear that Felicia wanted Adair to talk dirty to her,
But he used all of his mom's bad words, like dust, vacuum, wash.
(10:42):
Pretty soon the whole place was sparkling.
But Felicia's not talking to him anymore.
So Kerry got revenge by telling Adair there was going to be a media shower last night.
So he went to the rooftop observatory with soap and a towel.
Yeah. And then Felicia sent him to the grocery store and they carded him for buying baby food.
(11:09):
Felicia, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but Letty's busy and I need your
help to talk with Abigail.
Abigail Smartly, come hither now.
Oh yeah, that feels so... What now? I need your help with the divorce.
(11:30):
Fitch, I'm busy. I'm in another war right now. Wow.
I know, but Nanny won't date me as long as we're still married.
And I can't live with the lie that you're dead.
So, what do you want me to do? Sign the divorce papers.
Really? You interrupt this for that? I'd rather be dead.
(11:57):
Abigail, you're the one who left me. Why are you being so difficult?
Because I have the right to keep and bear grudges.
Excuse me, Fetch. Why did you divorce when she's already dead?
Because she's not really dead.
Yeah, well, try to tell her that.
(12:18):
Shelley, do you think we should share with our viewers the secret to a great sex life? Yes.
You know, the secret to a great sex life is... To get married.
And then have a series of affairs.
But only with your spouse. Of course.
And never fight. We've only had one fight ever.
And that will be over any century now. Plus, you should only marry someone who...
(12:40):
Fills your heart with joy. Every time they leave.
And that way you will never be... Disappointed in love.
Eric, did you know that in high school I was voted most likely to be the first
female judge of the Mr. Universe contest?
Wow, and were you? No, silly, of course not. You know I don't have my law degree.
(13:01):
You are my favorite blonde. Oh, thank you, Eric. I love you.
Even if you are colorblind.
Nanny, thanks for reviving Felicia again. What was Abigail doing there?
We were discussing the divorce.
Did you talk her into it? No, not yet.
(13:21):
The primary problem is Felicia believes that Abigail is dead.
But she doesn't know it won't hurt her. It just did. That's why she fainted. Oh, dear.
I was terrified of losing. It was worse than death to me.
But failure's the only way to win, so I fail over and over again.
(13:46):
Since I choose the winning attitude of per-per-per-persistence,
now I'm like a butterfly, graceful and free.
Never afraid of failure, not me.
(14:10):
Thumper said that before we get married, we need to get to know each other.
I prefer a whiff of mystery myself.
First up, does Felicia have any medical conditions that Adair should be aware of?
No, I'm entirely healthy.
Except for a pre-nicea. Yes.
(14:31):
And chronic fainting. Yes. And menopause.
Yes. Well, that was easy enough. What about your health? Adair has low corn syrup levels.
And Adair was a premature baby. I always wondered.
(14:52):
Yes, Adair was premature by six minutes.
Preston could save himself millions of dollars if he would just quit wanting everything.
Eric, you really can't blame anyone for having desires.
Yes, especially you. Exactly. Yeah, but the only thing he desires is luxury.
(15:18):
We just shouldn't be throwing stones at people who like the finer things in life.
After all, we won $300 million and we own this luxury beachfront complex.
Plus, we have our whole wonderful family living here.
Eric, how many times do I have to tell you to stop using the F word?
(15:38):
This whole misadventure was your idea in the first place, Shelly.
I bought it for the treehouse in Fajita, remember?
Eric, Fajita is in another galaxy entirely. We'd never get back in time for the girls' graduation.
Plus, if we weren't here, Fetch would still be drinking.
But the caddy would still be in homeschooling. Letty and Kerry would be in reform school.
(16:03):
Where they have excellent music and oceanography courses.
Besides, they have very strict laws in Fahiti. They don't even allow cars.
The lack of carpools would be a good thing. Maybe for you, but I can't even
imagine life without carpool boy candy.
You can run, but you can't hide. What do you mean?
(16:25):
Everywhere I take you, your sex drive tags along.
So would you like me better if I drove it somewhere else?
No, no, no, no, that's not the point. I think the problem is that you'd enjoy a little variety, too.
You're just too stuffy to admit it.
Stuffy? I can't believe I said that out loud.
(16:46):
You've been wanting to call me stuffy for 50 years, haven't you?
Of course, you can't be in a relationship without... Having feelings you want to stop?
No, it needs to be worked out in more positive ways. Like learning someone's love language?
(17:06):
Oh, no, you've been talking to Nanny again, haven't you?
Mom, you never listen to me. You're always chasing the carpool boys.
And she's a sweet, understanding, single blonde who only wants you for your money and a green card.
No, she wants to help me be happier. I thought you were already the happiest guy on earth.
(17:31):
Yes, there's always room for improvement. People are a lot happier when they
stop trying to improve everything.
So you think not wanting things is a key to happiness? in this?
Absolutely. You've already pointed out that that's Preston's problem.
The only difference between you is that he wants more cars and you want more happiness and less sex.
(17:54):
Shelly, I really don't want less sex. You don't? I just want you to think I
do so that you keep on wanting me.
Eric, you should know by now it's not possible for me to stop wanting you.
And I know deep down and you feel the same way.
But it's been 50 years and I still haven't got to the bottom of it. The bottom of what?
(18:16):
You know, the bottom of my deep down. That's okay, Eric.
The bottom line is the only universe that I want to be in is with you.
Aw, thank you, Shelly.
I'm running out of ideas of how to get rid of her money.
Don't you look at me. I'm doing my level best to get rid of it.
(18:38):
Don't tell Felicia that before the wedding. Being president might be all Felicia can do.
If they can't find a cure. I told Catty you had a crush on him. Plenty!
Why'd you do that? She said I have a crush on you. And I don't.
Oh, that's a relief. thief.
It is? My AA sponsor said I need to find a reason to live despite everything.
(19:01):
I just found one. What is it? I want to remember every despicable word when
I torture the smartly secrets out of you.
Did you hear that? No, what?
The sound of our bedroom door slamming shut.
If this fake If Twin Seance ever gets out, my reputation will be ruined.
(19:22):
Think of it this way. A little guilt is a very small price to pay.
Yeah, for someone without a conscience.
I knew you'd see it my way. Mm-hmm.
It's a smartly sunny day in San Diego.
In every single way. Olé!
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