Facing the Demon in the Mirror

In this raw and powerful episode, I take you back to one of the darkest moments of my life—a night that began in chaos and ended with a brutal awakening. After a devastating accident, I woke up drenched in blood, barely able to recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror. It was more than just a reflection; it was a confrontation with the person I had become, a stranger lost to addiction and self-destruction.

Join me as I recount the moment that changed everything: stumbling to the bathroom, seeing the flicker of a dim, fluorescent light, and facing the “monster” I’d turned into. This was my rock bottom, my wake-up call, and the last time I ever let alcohol control my life.

We all have our demons, and sometimes it takes a shocking realization to start the journey toward healing. This episode is about facing those demons head-on, finding the strength to change, and reclaiming control over your life.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Tune in to hear my story, and maybe even find the inspiration to confront your own.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, hey, what's up, everybody? I am back.

(00:02):
I last night had the opportunity to speak to an emotional sobriety group down in Tampa. 3 00:00:08,389.999 --> 00:00:13,359.999 I was supposed to fly down there and I was going to give my testimony and I was unable to.
.999The hurricane stopped us.
Milton tore Tampa apart.
Uh, my flight was canceled and we ended up being able to pull it off.
Power was restored and I was able to do it online. 8 00:00:25,64.999 --> 00:00:25,884.999 This was really cool. 9 00:00:25,894.999 --> 00:00:27,655 I was super excited.

(00:27):
.999We were able to do that.
And man, I learned so much when I share my story. 12 00:00:33,304.999 --> 00:00:37,495 It's incredible what sharing your story with others can do.
.999The power of healing, by being open, honest, and raw about your experience, what happened to you, where you were, who you were, and how you woke up and how you transformed. 14 00:00:49,614.999 --> 00:00:52,345 So, I want to let you in a little bit on the story.

(00:52):
.999I just thought it was great. 16 00:00:53,734.999 --> 00:00:54,965 It's fresh in my mind.
I want to share it with you.
.999For those of you out there that are addicts and alcoholics and you've got issues, which everybody does, nobody's perfect.
Unfiltered with Matt Farnsworth.
Nobody's perfect.
Everybody's got some kind of complication, something that they're maybe addicted to. 22 00:01:14,6.999 --> 00:01:15,637 Maybe it's not drugs and alcohol.

(01:15):
That's fine.
Maybe it's too much food.
Maybe they're addicted to pornography.
Maybe they're addicted to a relationship.
Maybe they're addicted to money.
Maybe they're addicted to their job.
.999There's so many things you could be addicted to moderation is one thing, but it's not always easy to moderate things once you've become addicted. 30 00:01:32,666.999 --> 00:01:36,116.999 And for me, it was not easy to moderate because I wanted to be comfortable. 31 00:01:36,626.999 --> 00:01:40,446.999 And I came up with a saying last night that it's off the top of my head. 32 00:01:40,446.999 --> 00:01:41,116.999 I thought. 33 00:01:41,486.999 --> 00:01:45,316.999 Discomfort is really the currency of progress. 34 00:01:45,316.999 --> 00:01:54,516.999 So the more discomfort you can deal with without running to a chemical, without running to a vice, the more success you're going to have. 35 00:01:54,516.999 --> 00:01:56,136.997 That currency is going to grow. 36 00:01:56,136.997 --> 00:02:00,656.998 So deal with the discomfort, live in it, understand it get through the discomfort. 37 00:02:00,656.998 --> 00:02:01,906.998 That's where success lies. 38 00:02:02,166.998 --> 00:02:04,326.998 And that's what a lot of my speech last night was about. 39 00:02:04,376.998 --> 00:02:08,946.998 Now, you probably know this, some of you, but I had a wild life. 40 00:02:08,986.998 --> 00:02:10,506.998 I was in Hollywood for many years. 41 00:02:10,546.998 --> 00:02:32,966.997 Uh, prior to that, in high school, I was in trouble with alcohol all the time when I graduated from high school, I was accepted into college, but the issue I had was, uh, The second that I was done with high school, I had to go to a work release jail in downtown Seattle for 30 days where I was released, during the day to go and work. 42 00:02:33,236.997 --> 00:02:38,526.997 I was working in a restaurant at the time, bussing tables, and I would go to work and go back to the jail. 43 00:02:38,526.997 --> 00:02:41,186.997 I was in jail because of alcohol. 44 00:02:41,226.997 --> 00:02:45,386.9965 I was in jail because I had gotten in trouble and done some stupid things while I was drinking. 45 00:02:45,386.9965 --> 00:02:48,226.997 I And I had to do this. 46 00:02:48,236.997 --> 00:02:50,846.997 So it was, it was really hard on me because I had a girlfriend at the time. 47 00:02:50,846.997 --> 00:02:52,476.997 I had, you know, a life. 48 00:02:52,946.997 --> 00:02:59,696.997 And I'll never forget being in this jail cell and they would lock it at night. 49 00:03:00,76.997 --> 00:03:01,16.996 They would lock you in. 50 00:03:01,156.996 --> 00:03:02,796.997 it was me and it was one other guy. 51 00:03:02,796.997 --> 00:03:03,906.998 And he slept beneath me. 52 00:03:03,906.998 --> 00:03:05,116.998 I was on the top bunk. 53 00:03:05,226.998 --> 00:03:11,666.998 And they would lock that massive old cell door that had been painted like a thousand times. 54 00:03:11,666.998 --> 00:03:17,846.998 And there was the unnatural light outside in the hallway that would just spill in, and you could hardly sleep. 55 00:03:17,846.998 --> 00:03:20,676.998 I could see out the window, and the windows were caged. 56 00:03:21,336.998 --> 00:03:24,796.998 And I remember on the 4th of July, I'm stuck in this place. 57 00:03:24,796.998 --> 00:03:27,806.997 And my girlfriend at the time was out on Queen Anne Hill. 58 00:03:27,846.998 --> 00:03:30,446.998 She was out watching fireworks, and I could see the fireworks. 59 00:03:31,326.998 --> 00:03:34,296.998 And I knew she was out there, and I knew, well, she's not going to be my girlfriend anymore. 60 00:03:34,296.998 --> 00:03:35,16.998 This is over. 61 00:03:35,466.998 --> 00:03:39,56.998 And so there was a lot of Pain and suffering that I went through. 62 00:03:39,56.998 --> 00:03:51,636.998 Nobody was going to want to deal with somebody like me, somebody that was messed up and drunk all the time and getting into trouble and doing 30 days in work release, jail, graduating from high school. 63 00:03:52,66.997 --> 00:03:54,976.998 Really? Nobody wants to deal with that. 64 00:03:55,356.998 --> 00:03:58,16.998 And I felt very weak. 65 00:03:58,86.998 --> 00:04:00,966.998 I felt like a nobody, like a nothing. 66 00:04:01,766.998 --> 00:04:05,526.998 And so, when I got out, I continued to drink. 67 00:04:06,346.998 --> 00:04:15,286.998 I put my value in my relationships, in pseudo love relationships that I had attempted to have. 68 00:04:15,426.997 --> 00:04:16,996.997 I clung to girlfriends. 69 00:04:17,36.997 --> 00:04:18,726.996 I was codependent. 70 00:04:18,726.996 --> 00:04:28,236.995 I identified my value by how they felt about me versus identifying my value through the work that I do. 71 00:04:28,826.995 --> 00:04:34,306.995 and dealing with the discomfort that I needed to go through to have success and become the man that I'm supposed to become. 72 00:04:34,926.995 --> 00:04:36,776.995 It's difficult, guys. 73 00:04:36,816.995 --> 00:04:38,596.995 Young men, it's hard out there. 74 00:04:38,596.995 --> 00:04:44,256.995 It's not an easy time for a lot of young men, whether it was 30 years ago or today. 75 00:04:44,306.995 --> 00:04:45,396.9955 I lost the girlfriend. 76 00:04:45,396.9955 --> 00:04:48,326.995 She was gone and I fell into a dark abyss for about a year and a half. 77 00:04:48,676.996 --> 00:04:50,876.996 I ended up going into college. 78 00:04:50,966.996 --> 00:04:53,786.996 I went to Seattle Pacific university for a year. 79 00:04:54,381.996 --> 00:04:55,691.996 And I drank the entire time. 80 00:04:55,811.996 --> 00:04:57,341.996 And we're talking heavy drinking. 81 00:04:57,441.996 --> 00:05:01,861.996 We're talking I would wake up and have seizures because I was drinking so much. 82 00:05:01,861.996 --> 00:05:04,141.997 And I never really knew why. 83 00:05:04,171.997 --> 00:05:07,331.997 I never really considered that this was a problem. 84 00:05:07,331.997 --> 00:05:10,561.997 I just knew that I was in pain and I needed to deal with the pain. 85 00:05:10,561.997 --> 00:05:11,831.997 And it would be many years later. 86 00:05:12,366.997 --> 00:05:16,196.997 That I would actually take a look in the mirror and say, look, man, it's time to wake up. 87 00:05:16,196.997 --> 00:05:17,146.997 It's time to change. 88 00:05:17,366.997 --> 00:05:23,176.996 You can't keep drinking and thinking that's going to solve your problems because it hasn't worked in the past. 89 00:05:23,226.997 --> 00:05:27,876.997 This would take me 20 years to learn from that point. 90 00:05:29,106.997 --> 00:05:29,806.996 20 years. 91 00:05:29,806.996 --> 00:05:33,866.996 I ended up moving to LA, got into show business and had a tremendous amount of success. 92 00:05:34,746.996 --> 00:05:36,986.996 Now in LA, it's very hard to get into trouble. 93 00:05:37,206.996 --> 00:05:39,116.996 You don't get into trouble easily in LA. 94 00:05:39,796.996 --> 00:05:44,886.995 There's a lot going on and there's a lot of people causing a lot of problems and you can get away with a lot more. 95 00:05:44,886.995 --> 00:05:49,596.995 So I was able to drink, use drugs and still have success. 96 00:05:49,626.994 --> 00:05:51,216.995 I was functioning at this point. 97 00:05:51,786.994 --> 00:05:53,466.995 I got some roles on TV shows. 98 00:05:53,466.995 --> 00:05:54,356.995 I had a good time. 99 00:05:54,786.995 --> 00:05:57,366.995 I bought a house in the Hollywood Hills and I was young. 100 00:05:57,416.995 --> 00:06:01,696.995 I was 23, 24 years old and I had a house in the Hills. 101 00:06:01,736.995 --> 00:06:03,686.995 I had Money coming in. 102 00:06:04,26.995 --> 00:06:12,66.995 I had a party happening constantly and I became that guy that guy where I had friends that would come over and just use me to come over and party. 103 00:06:12,626.994 --> 00:06:23,816.995 We'd go out and they knew if I went out with them that there was a place to go back to and party that was nice that had four different bedrooms and a view of downtown LA and it was gorgeous. 104 00:06:24,436.995 --> 00:06:26,886.995 And so we would go back to my house and the party would never end. 105 00:06:26,946.995 --> 00:06:29,816.995 The cocaine would start the drinking never stopped. 106 00:06:30,511.995 --> 00:06:34,841.995 And I hardly knew some of the people that would come and go from my home. 107 00:06:34,841.995 --> 00:06:36,551.995 And this happened for a while. 108 00:06:36,841.995 --> 00:06:42,821.995 Until one night, and I'd been high for many days, I'd been sick because I was so hungover. 109 00:06:43,321.995 --> 00:06:45,761.9945 I remember doing cocaine and not being able to sleep. 110 00:06:45,761.9945 --> 00:06:46,861.995 It really affected me. 111 00:06:46,951.995 --> 00:06:48,141.994 It affected me terribly. 112 00:06:48,701.995 --> 00:06:54,231.995 One night I went to sleep and I was in my bed, been partying hard, and I woke up downstairs. 113 00:06:54,231.995 --> 00:07:01,41.995 I woke up staring out into the abyss in the middle of the room and I saw this black orb. 114 00:07:01,41.995 --> 00:07:03,941.994 It was just like a black moving mass. 115 00:07:03,941.994 --> 00:07:04,441.994 Okay. 116 00:07:04,441.994 --> 00:07:07,1.994 I did not know what this thing was. 117 00:07:07,1.994 --> 00:07:09,331.994 But it was like it was trying to overtake me. 118 00:07:09,331.994 --> 00:07:12,781.994 Like it was a demon that was trying to come into my body. 119 00:07:12,781.994 --> 00:07:16,291.994 And I had been fighting it almost as if I had been upstairs. 120 00:07:16,291.994 --> 00:07:22,581.993 I had gone to sleep and I must have woken up and been fighting with this wrestling with this demon. 121 00:07:23,391.993 --> 00:07:28,581.9935 And I ended up downstairs sitting on of the edge of a bed entranced like entranced by this thing. 122 00:07:28,581.9935 --> 00:07:31,951.9935 And I fought I fought to not let this in. 123 00:07:31,951.9935 --> 00:07:34,331.9935 I remember reaching out a bit and then stopping. 124 00:07:34,331.9935 --> 00:07:35,761.9935 And I believe this was my deal. 125 00:07:35,771.9935 --> 00:07:37,241.9935 This was my deal with the devil. 126 00:07:37,251.9935 --> 00:07:38,451.9935 There it was in front of me. 127 00:07:38,961.9935 --> 00:07:39,871.9935 I had Hollywood. 128 00:07:39,871.9935 --> 00:07:41,501.9935 I had the fame, almost. 129 00:07:41,511.9935 --> 00:07:43,111.9935 I had the money coming in. 130 00:07:43,501.9935 --> 00:07:47,241.9935 But it was that last step that you can take when you're going to sell your soul. 131 00:07:48,391.9935 --> 00:07:49,21.9935 It happens. 132 00:07:49,21.9935 --> 00:07:49,531.9925 It really does. 133 00:07:49,531.9935 --> 00:07:50,741.9935 It's a real thing in Hollywood. 134 00:07:51,426.9935 --> 00:07:52,596.9935 Don't believe that it's not. 135 00:07:52,606.9935 --> 00:07:54,836.9935 Don't think these people made it on their own merit. 136 00:07:54,836.9935 --> 00:07:55,756.9935 Most of them didn't. 137 00:07:55,776.9935 --> 00:08:03,206.9935 It's a very dirty, very dark, very harsh business, okay? This black mass eventually evaporated and I decided, Partying needs to stop. 138 00:08:03,216.9935 --> 00:08:04,136.9935 This is over. 139 00:08:04,136.9935 --> 00:08:05,466.9935 I'm not going to do this anymore. 140 00:08:05,476.9935 --> 00:08:06,196.9925 I'm done. 141 00:08:06,656.9925 --> 00:08:08,306.9935 This freaked me out. 142 00:08:08,306.9935 --> 00:08:10,336.9925 And for about a year and a half I had a lot of success. 143 00:08:11,106.9925 --> 00:08:12,886.9925 I ended up screen testing for bigger movies. 144 00:08:12,966.9925 --> 00:08:14,16.9925 My career grew. 145 00:08:14,496.9935 --> 00:08:15,886.9935 I laid off the booze a little bit. 146 00:08:15,906.9935 --> 00:08:17,576.9935 I definitely stopped doing the drugs. 147 00:08:18,126.9935 --> 00:08:23,736.9935 And then I let myself revert back to old patterns, to old behaviors. 148 00:08:24,696.9935 --> 00:08:26,826.9935 I ended up meeting a woman on a movie set. 149 00:08:26,826.9935 --> 00:08:28,546.9925 I was doing a movie with Katherine Heigl. 150 00:08:29,296.9925 --> 00:08:32,696.9925 And this woman had one line, one frickin line in the movie. 151 00:08:32,696.9925 --> 00:08:36,666.9935 And I ended up going out for a drink with her and the party started again. 152 00:08:37,281.9935 --> 00:08:38,611.9935 The cocaine came back in. 153 00:08:38,701.9935 --> 00:08:40,191.9935 We partied for a little while. 154 00:08:40,861.9935 --> 00:08:42,351.9935 It was very convenient for me. 155 00:08:42,351.9935 --> 00:08:49,371.9925 My feelings were screwed up because I never took a step into the darkness, into the abyss. 156 00:08:49,371.9925 --> 00:08:54,81.9915 I never walked down that hallway to understand my childhood trauma. 157 00:08:54,81.9915 --> 00:08:57,601.9915 I never dealt with the fact that when I was young, my dad left for a year. 158 00:08:57,711.9915 --> 00:08:59,261.9915 He bounced when we were young. 159 00:08:59,311.9915 --> 00:09:00,421.9905 I was four and a half. 160 00:09:00,471.9905 --> 00:09:06,841.9905 My mother, who was abused by her father, ended up having to go back to his home and live. 161 00:09:06,841.9905 --> 00:09:08,261.9895 And it was painful. 162 00:09:08,341.9905 --> 00:09:11,581.9905 I did not know she had been abused by him, but the stress was overwhelming. 163 00:09:11,581.9905 --> 00:09:13,71.9905 My parents eventually got back together. 164 00:09:13,71.9905 --> 00:09:17,886.9905 I And we ended up moving and just one thing after another happened. 165 00:09:17,896.9905 --> 00:09:20,486.9905 Injustice after injustice happened to me. 166 00:09:20,926.9905 --> 00:09:23,356.9895 I had a basketball coach in high school try to molest me. 167 00:09:23,376.9905 --> 00:09:26,616.9905 I called him out on it and he also happened to be the science teacher. 168 00:09:26,626.9905 --> 00:09:28,936.9895 Well, they cut me from the basketball team. 169 00:09:28,936.9905 --> 00:09:30,216.9905 I lost all my friends. 170 00:09:30,556.9905 --> 00:09:33,356.9905 And he failed me in science, even though I did all the work. 171 00:09:33,356.9905 --> 00:09:35,106.9905 So I was pissed. 172 00:09:35,116.9905 --> 00:09:36,846.9905 The injustice was there. 173 00:09:37,136.9905 --> 00:09:38,336.9905 I was angry. 174 00:09:38,426.9905 --> 00:09:39,806.9905 I wanted retribution. 175 00:09:39,836.9905 --> 00:09:45,126.9895 And I was just furious because I had no control over those situations. 176 00:09:45,126.9895 --> 00:09:46,766.9885 I wanted vengeance. 177 00:09:47,571.9885 --> 00:09:48,531.9885 And I couldn't get it. 178 00:09:49,1.9885 --> 00:09:49,901.9885 I was just a kid. 179 00:09:49,901.9885 --> 00:09:53,591.9885 It wouldn't be till 20 years later that this guy was actually arrested for child pornography. 180 00:09:53,871.9885 --> 00:09:57,261.9875 So he got away with this for a long time, but it messed me up. 181 00:09:57,261.9875 --> 00:09:59,671.9885 It made me angry and I drank. 182 00:09:59,831.9875 --> 00:10:05,951.9885 I went and I met friends that, you know, were not the sports guys that I was used to hanging out with. 183 00:10:05,951.9885 --> 00:10:08,181.9885 I had to make a new set of friends and they liked to drink. 184 00:10:08,191.9885 --> 00:10:09,401.9885 They weren't athletes. 185 00:10:09,931.9885 --> 00:10:12,951.9885 They were guys that,, had older brothers that had access to beer. 186 00:10:12,991.9885 --> 00:10:15,901.9885 And the first time I had a drink, I thought, this is incredible. 187 00:10:16,356.9885 --> 00:10:17,946.9885 I absolutely love this. 188 00:10:17,976.9885 --> 00:10:19,106.9885 This is fantastic. 189 00:10:19,106.9885 --> 00:10:20,426.9885 I have found my home. 190 00:10:20,836.9885 --> 00:10:22,636.9885 This is peace. 191 00:10:22,636.9885 --> 00:10:27,406.9885 Now I know peace from this pain and this anger and this rage and this resentment that I have. 192 00:10:27,406.9885 --> 00:10:32,176.9885 I also had developed a lot of abandonment issues because of the My father leaving. 193 00:10:32,176.9885 --> 00:10:41,26.9885 Him leaving caused me to stare out a window for a year down this long My grandparents had this really big window. 194 00:10:41,26.9885 --> 00:10:45,776.9885 It was a big front window on this little farmhouse that I lived on in Missouri. 195 00:10:45,776.9885 --> 00:10:49,516.9885 And this gravel road extended about half a mile. 196 00:10:50,56.9885 --> 00:10:53,86.9885 And if you know Missouri, there's nothing there. 197 00:10:53,116.9885 --> 00:10:55,886.9885 It's just flat as can be. 198 00:10:55,886.9885 --> 00:10:57,76.9885 I mean, flatland. 199 00:10:57,86.9885 --> 00:10:59,156.9885 Like, the most flat you'll ever find. 200 00:10:59,156.9885 --> 00:11:02,676.9885 And I look out this window every day waiting for my dad to come home. 201 00:11:02,916.9885 --> 00:11:04,986.9885 Like, waiting for him to come and get us out of here. 202 00:11:06,346.9885 --> 00:11:07,776.9885 Because like I said, my mother was miserable. 203 00:11:07,786.9885 --> 00:11:09,386.9885 She had been being abused by her father. 204 00:11:09,386.9885 --> 00:11:11,866.9885 So I built this abandonment issue as well. 205 00:11:12,416.9885 --> 00:11:22,456.9885 And so I carry this into my relationships when I start, getting into, male female, boy girl relationships here when I turn into a teenager. 206 00:11:22,486.9875 --> 00:11:25,256.9885 And we end up having to leave Kansas City. 207 00:11:25,272.0885 --> 00:11:28,91.9885 And I'm devastated. 208 00:11:28,101.9885 --> 00:11:30,901.9885 We end up moving to Seattle and I'm devastated by this move. 209 00:11:31,201.9885 --> 00:11:32,531.9885 I'm already drinking a little bit. 210 00:11:33,101.9885 --> 00:11:34,841.9885 I'm definitely smoking cigarettes. 211 00:11:35,491.9885 --> 00:11:37,791.9875 And I'm actually still an athlete. 212 00:11:37,891.9885 --> 00:11:41,391.9885 I managed to play soccer and some other sports outside of school. 213 00:11:42,61.9895 --> 00:11:43,151.9885 Had a lot of success. 214 00:11:43,151.9885 --> 00:11:44,71.9885 Baseball as well. 215 00:11:44,211.9885 --> 00:11:45,671.9885 And so I end up in Seattle. 216 00:11:46,441.9885 --> 00:11:48,171.9885 And I'm in late middle school. 217 00:11:48,171.9885 --> 00:11:49,431.9885 I think I was in 7th grade. 218 00:11:50,361.9885 --> 00:11:54,781.9885 And, of course, every new middle school I go to, every school I go to, you end up in a fight. 219 00:11:54,791.9885 --> 00:11:59,451.9885 Like, there's some kid that's gonna come and pick on me at every single school that I went to. 220 00:11:59,452.0885 --> 00:12:06,681.9885 And, I got to a point where I would just walk up to the biggest kid and just be like, Let's do this. 221 00:12:06,841.9885 --> 00:12:08,281.9885 You know, I just knew what was going to happen. 222 00:12:08,281.9885 --> 00:12:09,311.9885 I knew the protocol. 223 00:12:09,311.9885 --> 00:12:12,261.9885 And it was hard, but I got through it. 224 00:12:12,281.9885 --> 00:12:13,481.9885 I made a few new friends. 225 00:12:13,491.9885 --> 00:12:16,211.9885 I missed the people that I had lived with in Kansas City. 226 00:12:16,211.9885 --> 00:12:17,351.9885 And it was painful for me. 227 00:12:17,681.9885 --> 00:12:18,981.9885 For an extended period of time. 228 00:12:18,981.9885 --> 00:12:20,661.8895 And then I found this book. 229 00:12:21,41.9895 --> 00:12:25,51.9895 people who like to drink and I drank a tremendous amount in Seattle. 230 00:12:25,71.9895 --> 00:12:28,71.9895 I ended up getting a DUI when I was 16. 231 00:12:28,221.9895 --> 00:12:31,581.9885 I believe I had another one when I was 18. 232 00:12:31,611.9895 --> 00:12:38,71.9895 And then I ended up, like I said, in jail and then college and then LA. 233 00:12:38,261.9895 --> 00:12:40,771.9895 So that was sort of the sequence of how that all happened. 234 00:12:41,271.9895 --> 00:12:48,961.9895 And I never once really considered that alcohol was the problem, right? I knew it was an issue. 235 00:12:49,706.9895 --> 00:13:08,276.9885 But I also knew it made me feel good So I start to have success in LA many years later And this woman comes in and kind of turns everything upside down now in Psalms, there is a quote in Psalms, a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who returns to his folly. 236 00:13:08,956.9875 --> 00:13:09,836.9885 That is the truth. 237 00:13:09,866.9885 --> 00:13:21,516.9885 We return to these sick patterns when we haven't had the help that we need and we haven't dealt with those dark places that we need to go to to understand why we feel the way we feel. 238 00:13:22,46.9885 --> 00:13:23,456.9885 I never had the help that I needed. 239 00:13:23,456.9885 --> 00:13:32,291.9885 I never reached out to get the help that I needed because I was too stubborn to I wanted to continue to use alcohol because it made me feel good and it was easy. 240 00:13:32,791.9885 --> 00:13:37,661.9885 Remember, discomfort is the currency of progress and I was not willing to make any progress. 241 00:13:38,321.9875 --> 00:13:39,291.9885 This kept me stuck. 242 00:13:39,781.9885 --> 00:13:48,561.9885 This kept me stuck in a pattern of alcoholism and weakness and it kept me from becoming the man that I was supposed to be. 243 00:13:48,691.9885 --> 00:13:57,231.9885 Had I started this sooner? Had I quit drinking? Things would be different now, but I don't like to look at things in a perspective of I should have, could have, would have. 244 00:13:57,231.9885 --> 00:13:58,831.9885 It only got darker for me. 245 00:13:58,831.9885 --> 00:14:04,531.9885 From there, you would think that my first child being born and me quitting drinking, that I would get better. 246 00:14:04,781.9885 --> 00:14:06,281.9885 But I just picked up marijuana. 247 00:14:06,291.9885 --> 00:14:07,621.9885 I started smoking weed. 248 00:14:07,751.9885 --> 00:14:17,151.9885 And I smoked weed with this woman that I ended up marrying and was with and had two kids with for 12 years, until she had an affair that I had no idea was coming. 249 00:14:17,151.9885 --> 00:14:39,791.9885 The invention of social media really opened up the door to Pandora's box in our relationship and There was communication that I didn't know was happening and she ended up having an affair and this Devastated me and the way that I found out about it was such a blindside I mean it was unbelievable if I were to tell you the whole story you wouldn't even know that It makes your head spin. 250 00:14:39,801.9885 --> 00:14:40,591.9885 It's so crazy. 251 00:14:40,591.9885 --> 00:14:46,631.9885 I've never dealt with that kind of gaslighting in my life and I don't think many people have. 252 00:14:46,911.9885 --> 00:14:59,431.9885 So some of the time I'm going to have to tell you this story of how I ended up finding out that she was with another guy somehow in Florida when she was supposed to be in New Jersey at an all woman's spa decompressing and healing our relationship. 253 00:14:59,431.9885 --> 00:15:00,821.9885 She wasn't healing our relationship. 254 00:15:00,831.9885 --> 00:15:01,821.9885 I can tell you that. 255 00:15:01,821.9885 --> 00:15:03,211.9885 And I'm not bitter about it anymore. 256 00:15:03,211.9885 --> 00:15:08,371.9885 I'm more angry with myself that I didn't see it sooner because when she decided to come back, A lot was forgiven. 257 00:15:09,51.9885 --> 00:15:13,981.9885 There was work that we needed to do apparently to heal, yet she was still doing all of it. 258 00:15:14,111.9885 --> 00:15:19,871.9885 So I ended up being gas lit, being driven crazy, and then alcohol entered the frame again. 259 00:15:19,871.9885 --> 00:15:23,571.9885 Of course, what are you going to turn to? You're going to turn to that old friend. 260 00:15:23,661.9885 --> 00:15:31,831.9875 You're going to turn to that comforting, soothing chemical that's going to make you forget about the nightmare that your life has become. 261 00:15:31,831.9875 --> 00:15:34,291.9875 Especially when you haven't dealt with the issues. 262 00:15:35,26.9875 --> 00:15:37,596.9875 that have caused you so much trauma. 263 00:15:37,596.9875 --> 00:15:39,936.9875 You don't want to deal with it because you can't work through that. 264 00:15:39,936.9875 --> 00:15:48,386.987 You can't stand on your own two feet and be the man that you need to be when you haven't dealt with those issues and understood that you are weak in these areas. 265 00:15:48,386.987 --> 00:15:50,316.9875 Here's the areas that you need to work on. 266 00:15:50,536.9865 --> 00:15:57,421.9875 And when you can't look at that and you can't look back in the mirror and say, I, I can't put on spiritual armor. 267 00:15:57,421.9875 --> 00:16:05,401.9865 I can't protect myself from this devil that is out there prowling around like a roaring lion waiting to devour me. 268 00:16:05,421.9875 --> 00:16:07,81.9875 I cannot stop that. 269 00:16:07,561.9875 --> 00:16:20,281.9875 and have any armor that protects me from that devil when I haven't dealt with the very issues that cause me to stare at the devil and be mesmerized by what the devil offers. 270 00:16:20,281.9875 --> 00:16:25,871.9875 Because the devil is going to offer you beautiful opportunities that are not good for you. 271 00:16:25,871.9875 --> 00:16:28,691.9875 And so delayed gratification was not something that I had. 272 00:16:28,841.9875 --> 00:16:32,21.9875 I didn't have that because I didn't deal with all those issues. 273 00:16:32,21.9875 --> 00:16:35,611.9875 I wanted to feel good, and I wanted to feel good right then, and I wanted all of this to go away. 274 00:16:35,611.9875 --> 00:16:38,11.9885 All the problems in my life, I wanted them to just go away. 275 00:16:38,11.9885 --> 00:16:39,301.9875 And life doesn't work like that. 276 00:16:39,351.9875 --> 00:16:40,541.9875 Nothing is immediate. 277 00:16:41,141.9865 --> 00:16:43,391.9865 There's no such thing as overnight success. 278 00:16:43,821.9865 --> 00:16:48,431.9865 There's no such thing as, you know, I made 50 million dollars overnight. 279 00:16:48,432.0865 --> 00:16:51,156.9875 Right? It takes time to grow a business. 280 00:16:51,156.9875 --> 00:16:53,596.9875 It takes time to grow a relationship. 281 00:16:53,666.9875 --> 00:16:55,926.9875 Trust develops over time. 282 00:16:55,926.9875 --> 00:16:57,116.9885 I didn't have that ability. 283 00:16:57,116.9885 --> 00:16:59,526.9885 I wanted everything and I wanted it right now. 284 00:16:59,526.9885 --> 00:17:02,116.9865 And so I ended up separating from her. 285 00:17:02,116.9865 --> 00:17:03,306.9865 She moved out of my house. 286 00:17:03,306.9865 --> 00:17:04,636.9865 She took most of the furniture. 287 00:17:04,656.9865 --> 00:17:05,426.9865 It was terrible. 288 00:17:05,546.9865 --> 00:17:08,206.9865 I had almost nothing in there, but the party was on. 289 00:17:08,416.9865 --> 00:17:14,36.9865 I lived in a place called Belmont Shore, and there was 12 bars on the block, and I could walk to all of them. 290 00:17:14,37.0865 --> 00:17:16,246.8865 Okay. 291 00:17:16,246.9865 --> 00:17:16,956.9865 And I did. 292 00:17:17,76.9865 --> 00:17:18,536.986 I walked to all of those bars. 293 00:17:18,536.986 --> 00:17:19,256.9855 I can tell you that. 294 00:17:19,806.9865 --> 00:17:22,436.9865 And I used those bars, and I drank, and I was a mess. 295 00:17:22,436.9865 --> 00:17:25,996.9865 And then I eventually moved out of that house against everyone else's wishes. 296 00:17:26,6.9865 --> 00:17:27,516.9865 Everyone said, stay in your house. 297 00:17:27,826.9865 --> 00:17:28,526.9865 Don't leave. 298 00:17:28,526.9865 --> 00:17:29,496.9865 You're going to have a problem. 299 00:17:29,496.9865 --> 00:17:30,716.9865 You don't need to be driving around. 300 00:17:30,726.9855 --> 00:17:33,616.9855 You're not doing well right now but I was fine. 301 00:17:33,616.9865 --> 00:17:35,586.9855 I'm almost 40 years old at the time. 302 00:17:35,836.9865 --> 00:17:37,396.9865 I can handle my alcohol. 303 00:17:37,396.9865 --> 00:17:38,246.9865 I can do this. 304 00:17:38,246.9865 --> 00:17:39,196.9855 There's no problem. 305 00:17:39,196.9855 --> 00:17:40,346.9855 You're too worried about it. 306 00:17:40,346.9865 --> 00:17:41,146.9865 Just stop. 307 00:17:41,146.9865 --> 00:17:43,446.9865 20 years with alcohol. 308 00:17:43,526.9865 --> 00:17:44,626.9865 Everything is different. 309 00:17:44,636.9865 --> 00:17:45,746.9865 Everything's changed. 310 00:17:46,486.9865 --> 00:17:47,956.9865 That's what I kept telling myself. 311 00:17:47,956.9865 --> 00:17:49,896.9875 But the fact is, is that wasn't the truth. 312 00:17:49,896.9875 --> 00:17:53,206.9875 I was spiraling faster than I had ever spiraled before. 313 00:17:53,206.9875 --> 00:18:03,6.9875 I was emotionally unstable, and I could not get a grip on my feelings, and I moved out of that house, and I stayed in a residence inn, near where she had moved into an apartment with my children. 314 00:18:03,6.9875 --> 00:18:07,486.9875 And I said I wanted to be closer to my kids, but I didn't really need to. 315 00:18:07,486.9875 --> 00:18:08,786.9875 It was a ten mile difference. 316 00:18:08,786.9875 --> 00:18:18,816.9865 I just wanted to figure out what was going on, And I couldn't stop myself from the compulsion that I had because of the drinking to take a step back and say, maybe she's not right for you. 317 00:18:18,816.9865 --> 00:18:34,36.9875 Maybe you need to chill on this Maybe you need to have some perspective and maybe be a man, grab yourself by, you know, the, you know, what's and, and lift yourself up and put on that spiritual armor and go out and start fighting for something your children. 318 00:18:34,416.9875 --> 00:18:35,686.9865 Stop worrying about. 319 00:18:36,76.9875 --> 00:18:37,506.9875 what this woman is doing. 320 00:18:38,476.9875 --> 00:18:42,486.9875 But I'll tell you alcohol has a really powerful way of trapping you. 321 00:18:42,886.9875 --> 00:18:49,656.9865 Drugs have a very powerful way of trapping you in a mentality that keeps you underwater. 322 00:18:49,736.9875 --> 00:18:51,286.9875 You're just barely able to breathe. 323 00:18:51,296.9875 --> 00:18:54,716.9875 You're swimming up to the top and you're taking a breath and then you're back under. 324 00:18:54,736.9875 --> 00:18:57,342.9275 You're barely able to, you're going to die. 325 00:18:57,342.9275 --> 00:18:58,156.9875 You're suffering. 326 00:18:58,156.9875 --> 00:19:01,356.9875 You're going to drown underwater and then you just get that little breath. 327 00:19:02,36.9875 --> 00:19:04,16.9865 And that's what alcohol and drugs do to you. 328 00:19:04,866.9875 --> 00:19:14,321.9875 You can never jump out of that Ocean, step out of the water, come up onto the beach, you're just out there drowning in the abyss. 329 00:19:14,321.9875 --> 00:19:15,371.9865 And that's where I was. 330 00:19:15,411.9865 --> 00:19:19,951.9885 And I ended up so gaslit I let someone else affect me. 331 00:19:20,581.9885 --> 00:19:24,31.9885 so terribly that I ended up flipping a car six times. 332 00:19:24,71.9885 --> 00:19:24,781.9885 I was up in L. 333 00:19:24,781.9885 --> 00:19:24,831.9885 A. 334 00:19:24,831.9885 --> 00:19:25,621.9885 and I'll never forget it. 335 00:19:25,671.9885 --> 00:19:34,611.9885 I was up I, I decided to go up there because she had told me she was going to be going up there and she wanted to maybe go hiking or talk or, I forget the whole conversation. 336 00:19:35,201.9885 --> 00:19:39,871.9885 I had woken up that morning and I was drinking instantly when I woke up and I started doing cocaine. 337 00:19:40,201.9875 --> 00:19:48,771.9875 And I ended up going up into the hills and driving from Costa Mesa, which if you know, the city of Los Angeles and Orange County, they're vastly different. 338 00:19:48,771.9875 --> 00:19:52,341.9875 I drove about 20 miles, so Orange County to L. 339 00:19:52,341.9875 --> 00:19:52,601.9875 A. 340 00:19:52,601.9875 --> 00:19:54,151.9875 And that could be an hour and a half drive. 341 00:19:54,491.9875 --> 00:19:55,91.9875 If you know L. 342 00:19:55,91.9875 --> 00:19:55,161.9875 A. 343 00:19:55,161.9875 --> 00:19:56,111.9875 The traffic's terrible. 344 00:19:56,781.9875 --> 00:20:00,31.9865 So I went from Costa Mesa up to the Hollywood Hills in Los Feliz. 345 00:20:00,711.9865 --> 00:20:01,491.9865 And I couldn't find her. 346 00:20:01,561.9875 --> 00:20:02,191.9875 She wasn't there. 347 00:20:02,791.9865 --> 00:20:04,101.9875 She'd gaslit me again. 348 00:20:04,111.9875 --> 00:20:06,771.9875 She was messing with my mind, knowing I was high. 349 00:20:06,771.9875 --> 00:20:09,851.9875 And I ended up going to a restaurant we used to frequent, which I thought she may be in there. 350 00:20:09,851.9875 --> 00:20:11,291.9875 And I got completely smashed. 351 00:20:11,291.9875 --> 00:20:13,611.9875 I mean, just absolutely trashed. 352 00:20:13,611.9875 --> 00:20:25,671.9875 I can't believe I Made it out the door, but of course I did and I made it to the car And in a blackout I drove from the Hollywood Hills All the way to Orange County and I made it to Harbor Boulevard. 353 00:20:25,671.9875 --> 00:20:31,92.0885 I made it to Costa Mesa As I got to Costa Mesa, I think I realized I need cigarettes. 354 00:20:31,132.0885 --> 00:20:42,847.0885 I'm out I pulled off at a gas station stumbled in bought cigarettes and took off out of this gas station Like a bat out of hell and I ended up hitting the curb Harbor Boulevard has four lanes on each side. 355 00:20:42,847.0885 --> 00:20:49,577.0885 Three to four lanes at times I flip my car up and over the median, and by the grace of God, this car is elevated. 356 00:20:49,657.0885 --> 00:20:53,567.0875 I tell you, I should have gone directly into the windshield of these people. 357 00:20:53,567.0875 --> 00:20:55,827.0895 I should have been killing people in the oncoming traffic. 358 00:20:55,847.0895 --> 00:20:57,137.0895 They should not have survived. 359 00:20:57,147.0895 --> 00:21:02,217.0895 No one should, someone should have died, including me, but it's always the drunk that survives. 360 00:21:02,217.0895 --> 00:21:02,676.9885 God bless. 361 00:21:03,157.0885 --> 00:21:07,887.0885 And by the grace of God, this car is lifted high enough that it skims the roof of one of the cars. 362 00:21:07,887.0885 --> 00:21:10,87.0875 I break my wingtip vertebrae in my neck. 363 00:21:10,87.0875 --> 00:21:16,67.0895 I have, gash on my, I have a cut on my forehead that is 25 staples worth of, of injury. 364 00:21:16,727.0895 --> 00:21:19,577.0895 I had broken the windshield with my forehead. 365 00:21:19,577.0895 --> 00:21:23,137.0895 I'd been thrown about the car in each one of the rolls violently. 366 00:21:23,137.0895 --> 00:21:29,97.0895 And I was a centimeter away from being paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of my life. 367 00:21:29,97.0895 --> 00:21:32,657.0905 And it's incredible to think that I pulled myself out of that vehicle. 368 00:21:32,997.0905 --> 00:21:35,407.0905 The fireman said, you pulled yourself out somehow. 369 00:21:35,807.0905 --> 00:21:39,797.0905 You almost lifted the car off of you in super, super human strength. 370 00:21:40,97.0905 --> 00:21:42,637.0905 You stumbled out blood running everywhere. 371 00:21:42,637.0905 --> 00:21:47,427.0905 They said there was so much blood and I hit the ground and I fell and that's when I went out. 372 00:21:47,437.0895 --> 00:21:48,997.0905 That was when it was lights out. 373 00:21:48,997.0905 --> 00:21:55,17.0895 I don't remember anything until I woke up above my body staring down in a womb. 374 00:21:55,837.0895 --> 00:21:58,507.0885 It was a golden yellow, beautiful feeling. 375 00:21:59,247.0895 --> 00:22:00,57.0895 There was no pain. 376 00:22:00,692.0905 --> 00:22:01,862.0905 No anxiety. 377 00:22:01,862.0905 --> 00:22:07,272.0895 I felt as if I had never had any issue in my life. 378 00:22:07,732.0905 --> 00:22:09,492.0905 Everything was so serene. 379 00:22:09,492.0905 --> 00:22:11,142.0905 This person that is so troubled. 380 00:22:11,602.0905 --> 00:22:14,642.0905 There's so much turmoil in my life constantly. 381 00:22:14,642.0905 --> 00:22:15,842.0905 And in this moment, there's none. 382 00:22:15,842.1905 --> 00:22:18,802.0905 I'd never felt that before. 383 00:22:18,802.0905 --> 00:22:28,762.0905 And then a voice boomed through into this womb, this chamber type of womb, this fluid, this light fluid that I was in. 384 00:22:28,762.0905 --> 00:22:32,952.0915 And it gave me an option to go with them or stay. 385 00:22:32,952.0915 --> 00:22:52,687.0915 And I thought about my children, and in that instant, when my mind, I went to my kids to say, I can't leave those children with this woman, even though I was no picture of any kind of,, figure that would be desirable for anyone to follow. 386 00:22:52,687.0915 --> 00:23:08,297.0905 I was whooshed back into my body and boom, there I was on the table, people were working on me, they were cutting off my clothes and I asked quickly, did I kill anyone? Did I hurt anyone? Did I kill anyone? Did I kill anyone? I kept repeating, did I kill someone? I thought for sure I had killed someone. 387 00:23:08,297.0905 --> 00:23:14,417.0905 I'll never forget being there, in my body again, here I am, whipped back in, and the doctor leans over like in a movie. 388 00:23:14,887.0905 --> 00:23:19,547.0905 And he leans over me and he looks down and he says, Maybe you should really consider quitting drinking. 389 00:23:19,547.0905 --> 00:23:21,877.0905 And I was like, not phased at all. 390 00:23:22,547.0925 --> 00:23:24,947.0915 Still in my own obsessed world, I was a mess. 391 00:23:24,947.0915 --> 00:23:33,77.0925 Coming down off cocaine, I was coming down off alcohol, They put me in a CAT scan machine, and I was freaking out. 392 00:23:33,77.0925 --> 00:23:34,267.0925 They handcuffed me. 393 00:23:34,267.0925 --> 00:23:34,987.0925 To that thing. 394 00:23:34,987.0925 --> 00:23:42,367.0925 And I'm laying there, and it's buzzing, and have any of you ever been inside of, Catscan when you're in there and you hear the imaging? It's loud. 395 00:23:42,747.0915 --> 00:23:47,197.0915 They didn't put headphones on me, there was no earplugs, it was just like, you go in there and suffer. 396 00:23:47,197.0915 --> 00:23:49,457.0915 And it was like I was in a vortex of hell. 397 00:23:49,567.0915 --> 00:23:50,157.0915 Literally. 398 00:23:50,157.0915 --> 00:23:52,167.0915 I lived through hell in that moment. 399 00:23:52,217.0915 --> 00:23:53,107.0905 I wanted out. 400 00:23:53,407.0915 --> 00:23:56,77.0915 I realized I hadn't killed anyone, and I wanted to get out. 401 00:23:56,167.0915 --> 00:24:11,757.0915 I was able to make bail, I scooped up all of my belongings, and here's how messed up I was, I scooped up my belongings, glass everywhere, my gown, still open, in the back, and So I'm exposed, I have no underwear on, there's just a slit and you can see my butt as I walk. 402 00:24:11,757.0915 --> 00:24:17,297.0915 I leave this hospital, even though the nurses and the doctors say you cannot leave, you will probably die. 403 00:24:17,917.0905 --> 00:24:18,807.0915 I leave. 404 00:24:18,807.0915 --> 00:24:22,707.0925 I get into a frickin yellow cab, because it's the only thing I can get, I don't have a cell phone. 405 00:24:22,707.1925 --> 00:24:30,377.1925 Have my wallet so I have a credit card, I call a cab, Get in the back of the cab and I hold my neck all the way back to this residence inn that I'm staying at. 406 00:24:30,377.1925 --> 00:24:41,717.1915 Walk to the nearest liquor store, put down my credit card, buy a bottle of booze, take it back upstairs to the residence inn, and somehow manage to lay back down on the bed and drink until I pass out. 407 00:24:42,337.1925 --> 00:24:45,557.1925 And they told me at the hospital, if you drink, you probably have blood clots, you're gonna die. 408 00:24:45,557.1925 --> 00:24:47,177.1925 I believe I was trying to kill myself. 409 00:24:47,177.1925 --> 00:24:50,617.1925 I believe I was done with this life at that time. 410 00:24:50,617.1925 --> 00:24:52,127.1915 And wouldn't you know it, I woke up. 411 00:24:52,227.1925 --> 00:24:54,137.1915 And when I woke up, it looked like a murder scene. 412 00:24:54,147.1925 --> 00:24:56,37.192 The entire bed was covered in blood. 413 00:24:56,37.192 --> 00:24:59,147.1925 It was just a massive amount of blood that seeped out of me. 414 00:24:59,407.1925 --> 00:25:00,977.1925 I had holes everywhere. 415 00:25:00,977.1925 --> 00:25:05,127.1925 I had blood running out of my arms, out of the top of my head, out of my forehead. 416 00:25:05,462.1925 --> 00:25:08,92.1925 My chest, my si I was bleeding everywhere. 417 00:25:08,92.1925 --> 00:25:11,252.1925 And I stumbled to the bathroom, and I'll never forget this. 418 00:25:11,322.1925 --> 00:25:19,532.1915 I stumbled to the bathroom, and it was a gross, old, 80s style residence inn. 419 00:25:20,192.1915 --> 00:25:23,362.1925 And I flipped on the light, and it flickered. 420 00:25:23,372.1915 --> 00:25:26,732.1925 It was one of those fluorescent lights that flickered, and the lighting was not attractive. 421 00:25:26,732.1925 --> 00:25:32,492.1925 And the light came on, and I looked at myself in the mirror, and I didn't even recognize who I was. 422 00:25:32,492.1925 --> 00:25:33,672.1935 All I saw was a demon. 423 00:25:33,672.1935 --> 00:25:44,482.1925 All I saw was someone who was completely possessed, blood all over my face, my face swollen, busted open, a neck brace, blood on the neck brace, shirtless with blood everywhere. 424 00:25:44,482.1925 --> 00:25:50,92.1935 And I thought, what have you become, man? This was one of my wake up moments, and that was the last time I drank. 425 00:25:50,92.1935 --> 00:25:51,102.1935 That was a decade ago. 426 00:25:51,102.1935 --> 00:25:57,582.1935 We do have our why moments, we do have those moments that we have an awakening. 427 00:25:57,652.1935 --> 00:26:02,242.1935 We have God talking to us by saying, this is not you. 428 00:26:02,242.1935 --> 00:26:03,542.1935 This is not who you are. 429 00:26:03,542.1935 --> 00:26:06,532.1935 I ended up going into rehab, obviously. 430 00:26:06,542.1935 --> 00:26:07,502.1935 I didn't want to. 431 00:26:07,512.1935 --> 00:26:08,532.1945 I didn't think I had a problem. 432 00:26:08,572.1945 --> 00:26:09,522.1945 Of course I don't have a problem. 433 00:26:09,522.1945 --> 00:26:11,2.1945 I don't need to go to rehab after this. 434 00:26:11,362.1945 --> 00:26:11,922.1945 I'm fine. 435 00:26:11,922.1945 --> 00:26:19,842.1945 Just the denial is incredible if only we could channel that kind of denial into something positive, if you can, you can be very successful. 436 00:26:19,952.1945 --> 00:26:25,702.1945 And many alcoholics, many addicts, many people who have these issues are very successful, very creative people. 437 00:26:25,702.1945 --> 00:26:38,182.1935 I have a theory that people that are affected like this have a more fine tuned instrument they have a sensitivity to the earth and to the devil, to the evil. 438 00:26:38,182.1935 --> 00:26:39,622.1935 of this world. 439 00:26:39,622.1935 --> 00:26:41,222.1935 And it's so hard to feel that. 440 00:26:41,262.1935 --> 00:26:42,512.1935 And you want to numb that out. 441 00:26:42,512.1935 --> 00:26:43,782.1935 You want to push that away. 442 00:26:43,792.1935 --> 00:26:45,282.1935 A lot of us are very creative. 443 00:26:45,282.1935 --> 00:26:48,62.1935 And so I go to rehab, and I don't want to be there. 444 00:26:48,72.1935 --> 00:26:50,182.1935 And I deny the fact that I need to be there. 445 00:26:50,462.1935 --> 00:26:53,192.1925 And I say to myself, there's no reason you need to be here. 446 00:26:53,192.1925 --> 00:26:54,672.1935 You don't have a major problem. 447 00:26:54,672.1935 --> 00:26:55,802.1935 This was a one off. 448 00:26:55,802.1935 --> 00:26:56,762.1935 Yeah, I said that. 449 00:26:57,332.1935 --> 00:26:59,82.1935 But I was grateful to be there after a while. 450 00:26:59,122.1935 --> 00:27:01,262.1935 Because I noticed that there were people in recovery. 451 00:27:01,967.1935 --> 00:27:03,127.1935 that would deny God. 452 00:27:03,137.1935 --> 00:27:04,897.1935 They would say, I don't believe. 453 00:27:05,177.1935 --> 00:27:06,767.1935 I'm not going to turn my will. 454 00:27:06,767.1935 --> 00:27:08,947.1935 I'm not going to turn my life over to anything. 455 00:27:08,997.1935 --> 00:27:10,277.1935 I'm in control of this. 456 00:27:10,357.1935 --> 00:27:12,147.1945 I'm the one, I'm everything. 457 00:27:12,407.1945 --> 00:27:13,677.1945 I can handle this. 458 00:27:13,897.1935 --> 00:27:16,387.1945 And those were the people that failed the fastest. 459 00:27:16,387.1945 --> 00:27:17,597.1935 Those were the people that didn't make it. 460 00:27:17,597.1935 --> 00:27:18,297.193 So I did learn. 461 00:27:18,297.193 --> 00:27:19,397.1935 I did notice that right away. 462 00:27:19,397.1935 --> 00:27:20,847.1935 And I was too injured to go anywhere. 463 00:27:20,937.1935 --> 00:27:26,827.1935 Plus I was finally being protected from my ex wife who was absolutely psychotic at the time. 464 00:27:26,827.1935 --> 00:27:30,192.2935 I got the sheltered place I could go to like a fortification. 465 00:27:30,192.3935 --> 00:27:34,852.2935 It wasn't very attractive, my surroundings, but it was, you know, at least I was protected in that way. 466 00:27:34,852.2935 --> 00:27:35,862.2925 And I started to get better. 467 00:27:36,362.2935 --> 00:27:41,532.2935 It wasn't long after I decided that I was going to try to figure out what this God thing was. 468 00:27:41,532.2935 --> 00:27:44,742.2935 I was going to try to figure out what this spiritual awakening thing is. 469 00:27:45,232.2935 --> 00:27:49,972.2935 What is this spiritual awakening thing? How the heck does this work? I needed to try to figure that out. 470 00:27:50,562.2935 --> 00:28:09,672.2935 And I thought it was going to be this overwhelming feeling of just, Oh my gosh, I'm I'm awake now, and I'm, I'm, I've been touched by God, and I can feel it all throughout my body, and a light came beaming down into my head, and throughout my eyes, and out my mouth, and here I am, I'm this newly found spiritually awakened human being. 471 00:28:09,672.2935 --> 00:28:12,162.2925 Well, that's not how it works, and I came to find that out. 472 00:28:12,162.2935 --> 00:28:14,402.2925 It works through little messages. 473 00:28:14,402.2925 --> 00:28:17,162.2925 I came home one day to rehab, and there was a letter on my bed. 474 00:28:17,162.2925 --> 00:28:20,317.2925 And that letter said, Your charges have been increased. 475 00:28:20,317.2925 --> 00:28:24,387.2925 You now have great bodily injury in the DUI accident that you created. 476 00:28:25,197.2925 --> 00:28:27,107.2925 And instead of saying, Oh, that's not fair. 477 00:28:27,107.2925 --> 00:28:27,767.2925 This sucks. 478 00:28:27,767.2925 --> 00:28:30,317.2925 What the hell? I can't believe this. 479 00:28:30,317.2925 --> 00:28:32,197.2915 I actually hit my knees and I said, I'm done. 480 00:28:32,197.2915 --> 00:28:33,57.2925 God, whatever you want. 481 00:28:33,57.2925 --> 00:28:34,57.2915 Whatever you want to do with me. 482 00:28:34,57.2915 --> 00:28:36,407.2905 You want to, you want to take my life right now? Take my life. 483 00:28:36,827.2915 --> 00:28:37,247.2905 Go ahead. 484 00:28:38,7.2905 --> 00:28:38,927.2905 It's yours anyway. 485 00:28:38,927.2905 --> 00:28:40,197.2905 You want to put me in prison? Put me in prison. 486 00:28:40,197.2905 --> 00:28:42,732.1915 It was the first time I ever really submitted it. 487 00:28:42,732.1915 --> 00:28:45,572.1915 To anyone, to anything, but myself. 488 00:28:45,572.1915 --> 00:28:47,122.1915 See, I was all about my own will. 489 00:28:47,202.1915 --> 00:28:50,712.1915 I was all about me, the selfishness, and in that moment that changed. 490 00:28:50,712.1915 --> 00:28:52,312.1915 I kind of said, I don't matter anymore. 491 00:28:52,402.1915 --> 00:28:54,72.1915 What do you want to do? Do whatever you want. 492 00:28:54,422.1915 --> 00:28:56,542.1915 And then things started to turn around. 493 00:28:56,552.1915 --> 00:28:58,412.1915 Then things started to get better. 494 00:28:58,602.1915 --> 00:29:00,772.191 I recognized that I couldn't control everything. 495 00:29:00,772.191 --> 00:29:04,332.1915 That I wasn't the all being, all singing, dancing crap of this world. 496 00:29:04,532.1915 --> 00:29:07,202.1905 And once I realized that, I was able to focus on goals. 497 00:29:07,562.1915 --> 00:29:13,942.1915 I was able to actually take a look in the mirror and say, What the heck is wrong with me? And then I started to add up small victories. 498 00:29:13,942.1915 --> 00:29:15,332.1915 My thinking changed. 499 00:29:15,332.1915 --> 00:29:18,662.191 And when my thinking changed, it caused me to go out there and start to get in shape. 500 00:29:18,662.191 --> 00:29:20,42.1905 It caused me to change my body. 501 00:29:20,42.1915 --> 00:29:22,152.1905 And when I changed my body, it changed my mind. 502 00:29:22,152.1915 --> 00:29:24,942.1915 And when my mind changed, I made better decisions. 503 00:29:24,942.1915 --> 00:29:29,22.1925 And those better decisions caused me to have more and more success in my life. 504 00:29:29,412.1925 --> 00:29:30,532.1925 Now I still made mistakes. 505 00:29:30,542.1925 --> 00:29:31,672.1925 We all make mistakes. 506 00:29:31,672.1925 --> 00:29:33,742.1925 Made mistakes in new relationships that I got into. 507 00:29:33,742.1925 --> 00:29:35,142.1925 I didn't date the right people at first. 508 00:29:35,142.1925 --> 00:29:37,2.1925 I didn't really know what I was doing. 509 00:29:37,42.1925 --> 00:29:40,282.1925 I still wanted some toxicity in my life because I missed it. 510 00:29:40,282.1925 --> 00:29:42,152.1925 Didn't realize how good it was without it. 511 00:29:42,332.1925 --> 00:29:43,672.1925 But it is great without that. 512 00:29:43,672.1925 --> 00:29:44,612.192 It's just as much fun. 513 00:29:44,612.192 --> 00:29:45,532.1925 In fact, it's better. 514 00:29:46,222.1925 --> 00:29:47,482.1915 But you have to learn those things. 515 00:29:47,502.1925 --> 00:29:48,642.1915 And I had to learn it. 516 00:29:48,642.1915 --> 00:29:50,972.1925 I needed to learn delayed gratification. 517 00:29:51,502.1915 --> 00:29:52,982.1925 That was something I did not have. 518 00:29:52,982.1925 --> 00:29:56,172.1925 Discomfort is the currency of progress. 519 00:29:56,202.1925 --> 00:29:58,62.1925 That is how life works. 520 00:29:58,62.1925 --> 00:30:02,72.1925 Nothing comes easy that is good, but I thought it should. 521 00:30:02,72.1925 --> 00:30:04,722.1925 And until that moment when I hit my knees, I didn't have that. 522 00:30:04,722.1925 --> 00:30:06,612.1925 But after that I did, and it took time. 523 00:30:07,242.1925 --> 00:30:11,922.1915 There was no big epiphany, there was no beam of light that hit me that said, now you're spiritually awakened. 524 00:30:11,922.1915 --> 00:30:13,112.1925 It was that moment. 525 00:30:13,592.1915 --> 00:30:14,872.1915 And that's when God speaks to you. 526 00:30:14,882.1925 --> 00:30:20,432.1915 God speaks to you in the moments you are at your darkest, and you're about to make a terrible decision. 527 00:30:20,432.1915 --> 00:30:22,642.1915 He's trying to stop you from making that terrible decision. 528 00:30:22,772.1915 --> 00:30:24,762.1915 He's trying to put you on a new path. 529 00:30:24,772.1915 --> 00:30:26,102.1915 He's showing you a light. 530 00:30:26,392.1915 --> 00:30:28,992.1915 Showing you a way, even inside of the darkness. 531 00:30:28,992.1915 --> 00:30:31,852.1915 He is there showing you a path. 532 00:30:32,682.1915 --> 00:30:34,462.1915 And it's your choice to take it. 533 00:30:34,632.1915 --> 00:30:35,602.1905 You can take it. 534 00:30:35,892.1915 --> 00:30:39,42.191 You can take that new path, and you can go with it. 535 00:30:39,42.191 --> 00:30:40,402.1915 But it's not going to be overnight. 536 00:30:40,412.1915 --> 00:30:41,772.1915 It's not going to be easy. 537 00:30:42,242.1915 --> 00:30:46,662.1915 It's going to take time and you need to be dedicated to it, but there is promise. 538 00:30:46,662.1915 --> 00:30:48,572.1915 There's promise of a much better life. 539 00:30:48,582.1915 --> 00:30:59,442.1915 If you're willing to go through a little bit of discomfort, a little bit of pain and deal with it so much better, you'll be so much happier. 540 00:30:59,552.1905 --> 00:31:06,162.1905 If you can handle the pain, if you can go through that discomfort, that's everything people, that's how you have success. 541 00:31:06,162.1905 --> 00:31:07,922.1895 That's how you let God into your life. 542 00:31:07,922.1895 --> 00:31:14,382.1905 That's how you become able to submit your will to a higher power. 543 00:31:15,2.1905 --> 00:31:35,302.1905 And in submitting your will and saying, I don't control all of this, I don't know when an accident's going to happen when I'm driving in the car, I don't know when a hurricane's going to hit, this is just like in John, when Jesus is talking to Nicodemus, right? And he says, we know not where the wind comes from or where it's going, right? But we can hear it. 544 00:31:35,302.1905 --> 00:31:37,512.1905 We can feel it, but we don't know where it comes from. 545 00:31:38,322.1905 --> 00:31:39,382.1905 We don't have control. 546 00:31:39,502.1905 --> 00:31:43,542.1895 We're putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to try to control something that we can't control. 547 00:31:43,552.1895 --> 00:31:48,452.1895 And when we let go of that, we actually end up regaining control over the things we can. 548 00:31:48,452.1895 --> 00:31:56,712.1895 That's the serenity prayer, right? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 549 00:31:57,2.1895 --> 00:31:58,832.1895 Knowing the difference is everything. 550 00:31:58,832.1895 --> 00:31:59,722.1895 That's how you win. 551 00:31:59,732.1895 --> 00:32:05,522.1895 You learn the difference and then you go and you totally control those things that are within your control. 552 00:32:06,22.1895 --> 00:32:07,572.189 You laser focus on that. 553 00:32:07,572.189 --> 00:32:09,512.1885 And that is where success comes from. 554 00:32:09,512.1885 --> 00:32:10,262.1875 Do it. 555 00:32:10,262.1875 --> 00:32:16,842.1875 Take an opportunity to look at yourself and say, what am I trying to control outside of my life that I can't, that's impossible for me to actually control. 556 00:32:16,842.1875 --> 00:32:27,472.1865 And is that wasting my energy, wasting my time, and causing me not to have success? This goes beyond just an alcoholic or an addict this is for everyone out there that wants to have success in their life. 557 00:32:27,492.1865 --> 00:32:36,42.1875 You have to take a look at the person in the mirror, hopefully not like I did, with your face all beaten up and you're bloody and you're broken. 558 00:32:36,42.1875 --> 00:32:37,542.1875 I don't want you to have to go there. 559 00:32:38,132.1875 --> 00:32:53,477.1875 What I do want you to do is take a look at yourself and say, Hey, Hey, are there things I can laser focus on that would help me have a lot more success right now versus all of this other extra stuff that I may be thinking about that really has no impact on anything? Maybe that's stuff that I can't control. 560 00:32:53,477.1875 --> 00:32:57,387.1875 And maybe I should just let it go, laser in on this, add up those small victories. 561 00:32:57,767.1875 --> 00:33:00,487.1875 Every single day you add those little victories up. 562 00:33:00,827.1875 --> 00:33:02,377.1875 And that's what happened to my life. 563 00:33:03,67.1875 --> 00:33:16,567.1875 I began to make the decisions that moved the needle and changed my life and gave me success, helped me find love, help me take care of my kids, help me have a great career, help me start businesses, help me get in the best shape of my life. 564 00:33:16,577.1875 --> 00:33:20,957.1865 If all of this happened because I submitted and I said, okay, let's do this. 565 00:33:20,957.1865 --> 00:33:21,877.1865 Let me just be me. 566 00:33:21,877.1865 --> 00:33:22,847.1865 That's what it's all about. 567 00:33:22,847.1865 --> 00:33:24,627.1865 Literally being who you are. 568 00:33:25,477.1865 --> 00:33:30,657.1865 Walking in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called.