My Wife And I Chatting Relationships And Sobriety

I had a great convo with my wife about emotional sobriety. 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
All right.

(00:00):
Welcome back to unfiltered.
I've got my wife here today with me.
We are going to be talking about, I think we're getting, we were just discussing, what do we talk about? What are, what's the most important thing that people probably want to hear about? Why are, why would we be unique to sit down in front of anyone and talk? What's special about us that makes us an authority or, or not an authority, but no, anyone would be in more of an opinion piece.

(00:29):
Like why we feel we.
I, I, what I'm asking is this, what's important that we have to offer people that's going to give them insights that are going to help them with their relationship, with their life, with their sobriety, so that they can be happier.
.966333333Both of us in our past lives had a problem with alcohol and we also had marriages that failed. 8 00:00:55,214.966333333 --> 00:00:56,124.9 Mm hmm.

(00:57):
So, but not necessarily because of alcoholism for many other reasons, but that played a part.
.999So if we go to step one, the first part of that, unpacking it as what? Uh, who do you meet and how do you meet people when you're out there in the marketplace for a husband or a wife? And you're sober? Newly sober? Well, let's just say, let's, let's start there. 11 00:01:18,24.999 --> 00:01:18,344.999 Okay. 12 00:01:18,664.999 --> 00:01:43,700 What do you, what do you do? What, what's the best practice for meeting someone that You're going to fall in love with you are going to have a working relationship that's impactful and successful and fruitful versus a relationship that is going to be chaotic and filled with fighting and torment and problems until the very end, until it all explodes.

(01:44):
There's, there's actually a lot.
I think, um, honesty is a huge one.
Obviously, being sober and emotionally sober, which I think those are two, you've touched on that before, right? Well, you're right with the first, the second one's perfect. 16 00:02:01,654.999 --> 00:02:06,165 So the first thing you'd want to do is be sober before you like decide this is the person I want to be with.

(02:06):
Mm hmm. 18 00:02:06,894.999 --> 00:02:08,594.999 Would you agree? Yeah.
Well, I just think there's too many things hinging on, um, deception when you are altered.
Right.
You're not making a conscious decision.
.0005And if you're You're making an unconscious decision under the influence of a chemical when you decide to get together with somebody That you maybe have known for a long time Or maybe you don't and there's you guys maybe you guys party together if you party together for me I I don't know I don't know how other people out there are doing with that but I can specifically speak for my on my behalf for myself that um, You I wasn't able to carry out any successful relationships while I was drinking so when I was younger, it was like just on the weekends and maybe Friday Saturday Sunday, and then And then it might be Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then you start kind of building off of that. 23 00:03:09,125.0005 --> 00:03:09,665.0005 Well, yeah. 24 00:03:09,665.0005 --> 00:03:12,265 And then you meet, then you're in a group of people.

(03:12):
.0005So now you've got this cohort, this group of people that you're hanging out with that drink. 26 00:03:17,875.0005 --> 00:03:18,514.9995 They party. 27 00:03:18,514.9995 --> 00:03:19,935.0005 They can't wait for the weekend. 28 00:03:19,944.9995 --> 00:03:21,179.9005 Friday night is the night. 29 00:03:21,440.0005 --> 00:03:27,250.0005 Let's get to the bar, let's get wasted, let's dance till two o'clock in the morning, let's wake up the next day, and let's do it again. 30 00:03:27,470.0005 --> 00:03:32,640.0015 You're saying from a, just from a single standpoint, that's a terrible way to just be single. 31 00:03:32,660.0015 --> 00:03:33,80.0015 Horrible. 32 00:03:33,480.0015 --> 00:03:37,550.0015 And then trying to fuse that into some kind of relationship. 33 00:03:38,375.0015 --> 00:03:38,545.0015 Yeah. 34 00:03:38,735.0015 --> 00:03:43,875.0015 Now what, then what if that person, what if that, you know, you, you build this relationship on this initial party? Well, yeah. 35 00:03:43,875.0015 --> 00:03:57,615.0015 And I think we can all attest to a story or five where we were drinking and we made terrible decisions on a lot of us alcoholics out there and turning the key to who you went home with that night. 36 00:03:58,415.0005 --> 00:03:58,825.0005 Yeah. 37 00:03:58,845.0015 --> 00:04:02,455.0015 That's a little frightening when you think, think about that. 38 00:04:02,455.0015 --> 00:04:02,735.0015 Yeah. 39 00:04:02,735.1015 --> 00:04:02,914.9015 Yeah. 40 00:04:02,915.0015 --> 00:04:05,585.0015 Um, we have that conversation often about the. 41 00:04:06,210.0015 --> 00:04:12,570.0015 Choices that we made while, whilst being intoxicated and how, how bad they could be at times. 42 00:04:12,710.0015 --> 00:04:22,60.001 So you're looking at this painful process that alcohol can bring you in that respect or the painful long relationship that eventually one of you decides you're going to quit drinking and this doesn't work anymore. 43 00:04:22,60.001 --> 00:04:22,760.001 The party's over. 44 00:04:22,760.001 --> 00:04:24,640.0025 We have a kid and then it's done. 45 00:04:25,0.0005 --> 00:04:47,629.9995 Well, let's just start from the, start from the, um, perspective of you're not drinking just to kind of rewind, you talked about this a lot before, but how, how do you stop drinking and go from that to being emotionally sober? What are the steps that you have to take in order to get there? Because I think that's what kind of segues you into a healthy relationship. 46 00:04:48,200.0005 --> 00:04:56,360.0005 There's an For Banyo, you're doing the right thing by becoming first sober and then getting into emotional sobriety. 47 00:04:56,360.0005 --> 00:04:59,510.0005 So what, what does that look like? Well, the fantasy land has to end. 48 00:05:00,395.0005 --> 00:05:00,425.0005 Okay. 49 00:05:00,425.0005 --> 00:05:05,385.0005 What's that mean? Well, fantasy land is the land that you live in where you don't realize you're making the mistakes that you're making. 50 00:05:05,685.0005 --> 00:05:06,15.0005 Okay. 51 00:05:06,265.0005 --> 00:05:07,495.0005 So you're in a fairy tale. 52 00:05:07,515.0005 --> 00:05:16,425 You believe the alcohol company and this tobacco company, that all the lies, the bars are fun, that this life is rewarding, this life is fulfilling, and you live for the weekend.

(05:16):
.9995You're a weekend worrier, maybe. 54 00:05:18,235.0005 --> 00:05:21,365.0005 That is one, recognizing you have a problem. 55 00:05:22,450.0005 --> 00:05:24,510.0005 You have to say, Hey, I have to wake up. 56 00:05:24,540.0005 --> 00:05:28,810.0005 So you're talking, you're even backing up a little bit more and talking about just getting sober, getting clean. 57 00:05:28,890.0005 --> 00:05:29,520.0005 Consciousness. 58 00:05:29,819.9995 --> 00:05:55,745.0005 Where am I? Do I have a spiritual center? Do I have anything inside of me that is telling me maybe this is not the right decision? Or do I need an external circumstance, um, something outside of my control? Uh, to come in to stop me, is that, uh, physical altercation, jail time, public intoxication, when I get, lose my kids, get a divorce, what happens? Your job. 59 00:05:55,995.0005 --> 00:05:56,265.0005 Yeah. 60 00:05:56,265.0005 --> 00:05:56,765.0005 All sorts of things. 61 00:05:56,795.0005 --> 00:05:57,414.9995 All of those kinds. 62 00:05:57,415.0005 --> 00:05:59,74.9995 I say divorce, but we were talking single. 63 00:05:59,74.9995 --> 00:06:01,735.0005 That's a little bit down the line, but that's something that does happen. 64 00:06:02,154.9995 --> 00:06:07,15.0005 So if the first step is recognizing you have a problem, the second step is actually taking action on it. 65 00:06:07,245.0005 --> 00:06:07,575.0005 Mm hmm. 66 00:06:08,185.0005 --> 00:06:18,950.0005 Actually saying, okay, I'm going to change my behavior now, and how do I practically start doing that? So then you have to start taking actionable steps, right? Sure. 67 00:06:19,710.0005 --> 00:06:24,960.0005 AA or a sober program of some sort or a good support system. 68 00:06:24,960.0005 --> 00:06:26,819.9995 I think you can do it with a good support system. 69 00:06:26,830.0005 --> 00:06:30,60.0005 I was a person who did it with a great support system and I didn't do AA. 70 00:06:31,105.0005 --> 00:06:34,195.0005 Yeah, I didn't, I didn't the first 13 years, but I also had marijuana. 71 00:06:34,385.0005 --> 00:06:34,965.0005 I cut it. 72 00:06:35,315.0005 --> 00:06:36,415.0005 That was, that was great. 73 00:06:36,645.0005 --> 00:06:38,625.0005 That helped a lot, by the way, to not drink. 74 00:06:38,635.0005 --> 00:06:39,285.0005 Torn you sober. 75 00:06:39,795.0005 --> 00:06:40,895.0005 Right? Yeah, exactly. 76 00:06:40,925.0005 --> 00:06:41,684.9995 That's what they call it. 77 00:06:42,104.9995 --> 00:06:42,344.9995 Yeah. 78 00:06:42,365.0005 --> 00:06:43,544.9995 It's just not sobriety though. 79 00:06:43,745.0005 --> 00:06:45,405.0005 No, no, it's not. 80 00:06:45,445.0005 --> 00:06:46,655.0005 That's, uh, kidding yourself. 81 00:06:47,665.0005 --> 00:07:00,474.9995 You did it, uh, with me and I, I believe that the, the third step then, so we've got one waking up from the fantasy, two, taking action to start changing, you know, recognizing and taking action. 82 00:07:00,870.0005 --> 00:07:02,510.0005 And then making those steps actionable. 83 00:07:02,510.0005 --> 00:07:10,380.0005 So act like taking every day, looking at it as this is just one day at a time. 84 00:07:11,820.0005 --> 00:07:35,910.001 And how am I going to change my behaviors today? I think that's the first step actually to emotional sobriety because, you're taking action at that moment, you're realizing your faults and you're, you're, you're Being accountable to those faults or you're at least attempting to so I think it's just it's just the very beginning of Waking up and telling yourself. 85 00:07:35,930.001 --> 00:07:37,650.001 I have a problem now. 86 00:07:37,650.001 --> 00:07:50,430 I'm gonna stop I'm gonna own up to my mistakes and I think in a there's a there's a time where you go back and apologize to a Bunch of people what step is that? That would be step six or seven.

(07:50):
.001Yeah six me It's taking inventory and then, and then making amends to all of those people that you may have hurt so long as it doesn't end up injuring them again, which it can, it can, but You said something, you said something really important though, which was at that moment, you said when you realize at that moment, a lot of Everybody that gets sober has that moment.

(08:11):
.001But they all go They skip it. 89 00:08:12,880.001 --> 00:08:15,90.001 The moment was You have it all the time. 90 00:08:15,90.001 --> 00:08:16,70.001 People have it all the time. 91 00:08:16,340.001 --> 00:08:17,630 They wake up, I'm never going to do that again. 92 00:08:17,630.001 --> 00:08:18,290.001 They're over a toilet.
.001I'm never I'm puking. 94 00:08:18,730.101 --> 00:08:22,540 No, I'm talking about the moment where you're like, I can't anymore.
And there's been, there's been several times in my life with that. 96 00:08:26,100.001 --> 00:08:29,250.001 Several different things, not just alcohol, where I was like, I'm done. 97 00:08:29,260.001 --> 00:08:32,500.001 Like, I remember the day that I was done with my ex. 98 00:08:33,210.001 --> 00:08:44,420 I remember the day where I was like, this can't I thought that was walking down the aisle for you, no? I'm sorry, I just, I'm hearing our cat meowing. 99 00:08:45,40.001 --> 00:08:49,660.001 Um, do you hear her? I can hear her, she's upstairs crying. 100 00:08:49,700.001 --> 00:08:49,920.001 Yeah. 101 00:08:50,70.001 --> 00:08:51,920.001 She, she stands at the top of the stairs. 102 00:08:52,540.001 --> 00:08:57,160.001 She's, she won't come to, she wants somebody to come pick her up and No, she's such a carry her down the stairs. 103 00:08:57,160.001 --> 00:09:01,0.001 She, you need to bottle her and pick her up and carry her down like she's the queen of Sheba. 104 00:09:01,0.001 --> 00:09:05,450.001 But, but you got yourself into something because of alcohol. 105 00:09:05,480.001 --> 00:09:05,660.001 Yes. 106 00:09:05,990.001 --> 00:09:10,10.001 And you had trepidation and didn't even want to be in it as you were walking down the aisle. 107 00:09:10,10.001 --> 00:09:10,100.001 Right. 108 00:09:10,850.001 --> 00:09:12,760.001 So this was all alcohol driven. 109 00:09:12,760.001 --> 00:09:17,80.001 Can I continue the party now? You had a moment of awakening where you're like, I really can't do this anymore. 110 00:09:17,510.001 --> 00:09:17,950.001 Yes. 111 00:09:18,380.001 --> 00:09:18,970.001 Yes. 112 00:09:19,280.001 --> 00:09:22,000 Yeah, that was the moment of clarity That was jail. 113 00:09:23,300.001 --> 00:09:33,990.001 That was being in a cell with like, I don't know 17 other women in a tiny little holding cell I guess you, I don't know what you would call it. 114 00:09:34,180.001 --> 00:09:35,180.001 It's not the drunk tank. 115 00:09:35,250.001 --> 00:09:38,370.001 It's not a drunk tank, but it, what it is, it's, it's just a intake. 116 00:09:38,420.001 --> 00:09:38,750.001 Yeah. 117 00:09:38,800.001 --> 00:09:41,670.001 And so they put you into, I've been in it numerous times. 118 00:09:41,680.001 --> 00:09:41,980.001 Yeah. 119 00:09:42,230.001 --> 00:09:46,620 Um, they put you into like a, some sort of a detox area to get you in. 120 00:09:46,620.001 --> 00:09:53,810 It's just flat slab, concrete, metal benches, and a bunch of people who really have fallen from grace, honestly.

(09:53):
It's rough.
Yeah.
.001It was, there were people in there that were coming off of drugs and alcohol, and then there were. 124 00:09:59,655.101 --> 00:10:03,145.001 It was a, it was an experience. 125 00:10:03,145.001 --> 00:10:06,205.001 I felt like, I don't know, have you ever seen Lady and the Tramp? Yeah. 126 00:10:06,255.001 --> 00:10:15,735.001 The movie, the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp, where she like gets sent to the pound and she's just like, what am I doing here? But she ends up kind of like talking to other dogs and that's. 127 00:10:16,485.001 --> 00:10:21,845.001 When you end up reaching out for some kind, you're, you're in such a state of lost and obliterated. 128 00:10:21,845.001 --> 00:10:24,675.001 Your whole world is turned upside down and you're out of control. 129 00:10:24,675.001 --> 00:10:25,895.001 You're, you have no control. 130 00:10:26,245.001 --> 00:10:27,195.001 You're being controlled now. 131 00:10:27,195.001 --> 00:10:29,605.001 That should have been my wake up call to not drink anymore. 132 00:10:29,955.001 --> 00:10:38,705.001 But I think in order to deal with everything at the time, my solution was always alcohol because it, you know, it does what it does for everybody else. 133 00:10:38,705.001 --> 00:10:40,755.001 It numbs you from having to deal with everything. 134 00:10:41,85.001 --> 00:10:42,425.001 you can put it off and then. 135 00:10:42,710.001 --> 00:10:53,730.001 How do you fight that? So now you made these mistakes, but like we got the actionable steps one, two, and three, wake up from the fantasy, admit you got a problem and start taking actionable steps to change it.

(10:53):
.001What are those steps? Well, what's one? I mean, obvious, obvious, take chemical away.
.001Don't drink anymore. 138 00:10:59,790.001 --> 00:11:02,670.001 Then that's, that's going to be the biggest step you have to take. 139 00:11:03,180.001 --> 00:11:08,220 And that's hard because it, you've got emotions. 140 00:11:08,965.001 --> 00:11:12,815.001 And you've got Ooh, they're raw, too, when you first get It's tough. 141 00:11:12,985.001 --> 00:11:14,215.001 When you take the substance away. 142 00:11:14,215.001 --> 00:11:19,515 I won't even say sober, because when you just remove the chemical, you're not sober at that point. 143 00:11:19,515.001 --> 00:11:23,745.001 It takes you days, weeks, months to pop out of it.

(11:24):
When would you call someone sober after they stop, actually, in taking in the chemical? Oh, I mean, you're, you're sober the second, I think, you stop.
Oh.
Like you, you know, you've removed the chemical.
Mm hmm.
You're not actively drinking, but I believe that it takes like 48 hours for it to come out to be, you know, removed from your system.

(11:44):
Alcohol is like 48 hours, right? Depending on what you do.
.9995I guess you could drink a lot of water. 151 00:11:49,44.9995 --> 00:11:49,655 You could sweat.
You could do other things to try to get it out of your system. 153 00:11:52,734.999 --> 00:11:56,415 I'm sure there are people who do that are on probation that have to, you know, take your analysis test.
I've seen it happen.
When I was in rehab, um, Run a marathon.
Do anything to get it out.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
And not test positive for it.
.998How strange to, to want a chemical so bad, knowing that if you ingest this chemical, you have the potential to go to jail. 161 00:12:13,234.998 --> 00:12:13,894.999 But you still do it. 162 00:12:13,944.998 --> 00:12:21,964.998 You still do it, and then you're willing to harm yourself doing it, how powerful the chemical is, cause yourself damage and pain. 163 00:12:21,964.998 --> 00:12:32,844.999 And then, you On the other side of that, try to work it out of your system and spend the time and energy to try to get it out of your system to test negative on a P test. 164 00:12:33,354.999 --> 00:12:42,344.999 That all seems like such a waste of time and energy, and so how are you supposed to have any success in your life when those are your focused points? Those are your goals? Yeah. 165 00:12:42,684.999 --> 00:12:43,994.999 These are goals? Mm hmm. 166 00:12:45,84.999 --> 00:12:46,594.999 It's childish, really. 167 00:12:46,664.999 --> 00:12:47,244.999 It really is. 168 00:12:47,254.999 --> 00:12:51,204.999 Like, you know, running away from mom and dad when you've been bad or whatever. 169 00:12:51,244.999 --> 00:12:55,904.999 So how do you get emotionally sober then? And I have to say it, my viewpoint is changing on this quite a bit. 170 00:12:56,504.999 --> 00:12:57,464.999 Oh, so? Explain. 171 00:12:57,774.999 --> 00:12:59,924.999 Just in terms of being a big baby. 172 00:13:00,274.999 --> 00:13:04,734.999 I really feel like Uh, most alcoholics are king babies. 173 00:13:04,734.999 --> 00:13:05,804.999 They're big babies. 174 00:13:05,814.999 --> 00:13:06,174.999 Mm hmm. 175 00:13:06,404.999 --> 00:13:06,844.999 Yeah. 176 00:13:06,844.999 --> 00:13:08,64.999 You might have gotten abused. 177 00:13:08,114.999 --> 00:13:15,924.999 It doesn't mean they go and run to a chemical and stick a baba in their mouth and get wasted and ruin everybody's life because they had something bad happen to them. 178 00:13:16,34.998 --> 00:13:17,204.998 Today We're such a soft. 179 00:13:17,694.998 --> 00:13:30,234.996 We're such a soft society but in my opinion, people, psychologists, all of the stuff out there, all of the theories that they have and all of the working through your emotional trauma, yes, there's emotional trauma. 180 00:13:30,584.996 --> 00:13:34,594.997 Recognize it, right? But to me, it has become. 181 00:13:35,749.997 --> 00:13:41,519.997 Identifying all these patterns and all of these negative inputs that I've brought into my life. 182 00:13:41,519.997 --> 00:13:43,49.997 It's almost like a computer program. 183 00:13:43,49.997 --> 00:13:45,649.997 I've downloaded a bunch of viruses at some point. 184 00:13:46,449.997 --> 00:13:55,9.997 And instead of just, instead of just delete it, going in and looking at each one and analyzing it and deleting them one by one, let's just put them all in the trash right now and get rid of it. 185 00:13:55,9.997 --> 00:13:55,529.997 Be done. 186 00:13:55,999.997 --> 00:13:59,489.997 And people will say, that's impossible, you can't, you better work through all your trauma. 187 00:14:00,129.997 --> 00:14:03,179.997 Um, okay, you know, I, I, I don't buy into it. 188 00:14:03,189.997 --> 00:14:07,729.997 One needs to have a, a thick, you know, that's how they get paid. 189 00:14:08,519.997 --> 00:14:18,219.997 I have a sobriety program, it, and it does help people work through the trauma, but a lot of it is just, it's time to wake up, here's actionable steps to take to get yourself sober. 190 00:14:18,369.997 --> 00:14:28,99.997 Get off your butt, get to a gym, change your life, change your behaviors, push yourself into situations that are going to cause pain. 191 00:14:28,449.997 --> 00:14:29,539.997 Cycles are going to have to break. 192 00:14:29,914.997 --> 00:14:32,164.997 Cycles have to break, and you have to be willing to do it. 193 00:14:32,174.997 --> 00:14:33,454.997 The willingness has to be there. 194 00:14:33,564.997 --> 00:14:33,834.997 Yeah. 195 00:14:33,874.997 --> 00:14:35,834.997 And I'm not putting anybody down for trying to get help. 196 00:14:36,174.997 --> 00:14:48,744.997 No, I think we all have, you know, that's where I'm very, I think there's a broad way to get over all of it, but there's individuals that, like, I'm just that person that has to make many mistakes. 197 00:14:49,374.997 --> 00:14:56,424.997 Before, or I did, especially not being sober, many mistakes had to be made in order to get to rock bottom. 198 00:14:56,514.997 --> 00:15:02,394.997 And you get to that point and then you're finally like, uh, I can't live this way anymore. 199 00:15:02,884.997 --> 00:15:05,614.996 I have to change all of this up. 200 00:15:06,404.996 --> 00:15:09,634.997 And, you know, I know there's a lot of people like me. 201 00:15:09,754.997 --> 00:15:12,334.997 A lot of people hit bottom multiple times in their life. 202 00:15:12,354.997 --> 00:15:12,664.997 Yeah. 203 00:15:12,874.997 --> 00:15:16,414.996 But I go and I say, take the action. 204 00:15:17,104.996 --> 00:15:24,194.996 And even if you're making mistakes and you're taking action towards something different, it's not all going to go perfectly. 205 00:15:24,244.996 --> 00:15:27,124.997 You're not, I mean, I had terrible relationships coming out of recovery. 206 00:15:27,124.997 --> 00:15:30,474.997 I didn't just one day get sober, which I did. 207 00:15:30,484.997 --> 00:15:31,504.997 And I did the recovery. 208 00:15:31,504.997 --> 00:15:37,214.996 I did go to rehab and I will say it was somewhat beneficial to talk therapy with the others in the group. 209 00:15:37,584.997 --> 00:15:40,644.997 Who were like me at a time when I needed comfort. 210 00:15:41,954.997 --> 00:15:42,814.997 I needed that. 211 00:15:43,804.997 --> 00:15:45,954.997 And I think people can use that in the beginning. 212 00:15:46,134.997 --> 00:15:47,834.997 Your story is like mine and we're relatable. 213 00:15:47,844.997 --> 00:15:48,364.996 I'm okay. 214 00:15:48,364.997 --> 00:15:49,364.997 You're going to be okay. 215 00:15:49,365.097 --> 00:15:57,734.996 It's probably someone who's more advanced in the program because you're putting there with people that have been in there for a little bit longer than you or, you know, We have a counselor. 216 00:15:57,734.996 --> 00:16:03,224.997 You have somebody that's there saying, you know, you, you need to change your relationship you're in. 217 00:16:03,484.997 --> 00:16:03,714.997 Yeah. 218 00:16:03,734.997 --> 00:16:07,774.997 You probably need to take a look at your job and see if that's really in a, in a good job. 219 00:16:08,214.997 --> 00:16:20,234.9965 And something that is going to be, you know, working for you, moving forward into the future that's going to allow you to have sobriety you know, you don't want to be a bar back if you're trying to get sober. 220 00:16:20,684.9965 --> 00:16:21,764.9955 There's just simple jobs. 221 00:16:21,764.9965 --> 00:16:22,824.9965 If you're working jobs that are. 222 00:16:23,459.9965 --> 00:16:29,279.9965 You know, you work 13 hours a day or you work nights, some of those things are tough for people to stay sober. 223 00:16:29,280.0965 --> 00:16:29,989.8965 Right. 224 00:16:29,989.9965 --> 00:16:40,579.9955 You know, sleep is really important for alcoholics, people who have this problem, living a healthy life, eating right, uh, taking care of yourself, all of those things are top priorities when you first get sober. 225 00:16:40,579.9955 --> 00:16:43,9.9965 So actionable steps are all of those items. 226 00:16:43,49.9965 --> 00:16:44,759.9965 That's what I talk about in the sobriety programs. 227 00:16:45,449.9965 --> 00:16:47,649.9965 You have to start taking care of you. 228 00:16:47,769.9965 --> 00:16:48,179.9965 Mm hmm. 229 00:16:49,469.9965 --> 00:16:52,99.9965 That's where I go with that next step is start taking care of you. 230 00:16:52,99.9965 --> 00:17:00,499.9955 Then you start adding up those little victories every day, and beyond that, what happens next is, you know, you stay away from the relationship for a minute. 231 00:17:00,879.9965 --> 00:17:01,289.9965 Right. 232 00:17:01,559.9965 --> 00:17:08,219.9965 I know that that's talked about often in both AA and NA, right? You're not ready. 233 00:17:08,229.9965 --> 00:17:09,639.9965 You're not a human being yet. 234 00:17:09,699.9965 --> 00:17:10,99.9965 Yeah. 235 00:17:10,159.9965 --> 00:17:11,749.9965 You're just trying to figure out who you are. 236 00:17:11,749.9965 --> 00:17:12,89.9965 Yeah. 237 00:17:12,589.9965 --> 00:17:12,989.9965 You do. 238 00:17:13,299.9965 --> 00:17:13,659.9965 Mm hmm. 239 00:17:13,669.9965 --> 00:17:15,869.9965 You just go through a lot of self discovery. 240 00:17:15,889.9965 --> 00:17:17,679.9965 You and I, we worked a little bit differently. 241 00:17:18,899.9965 --> 00:17:29,299.9965 You know, and, and I will say I, I had some trepidation because of the fact that you, you weren't like, she was still drinking when we met, but it was very little. 242 00:17:29,579.9965 --> 00:17:34,799.9955 I didn't have money to drink, so I was, I was dirt poor, dirt poor. 243 00:17:34,819.9965 --> 00:17:45,939.9965 And I couldn't afford to, um, A, go out and drink like at a bar, but I couldn't even afford to like go to the grocery store and grab a bottle of wine, even a box of wine. 244 00:17:45,939.9965 --> 00:17:47,729.9965 I just, I just didn't have the money. 245 00:17:49,354.9965 --> 00:17:51,514.9965 What is a rarity? You could tell you wanted to change. 246 00:17:51,534.9965 --> 00:17:59,574.9965 You had had a rough time and I was just like, I got to give this a chance because when I met you, I didn't really know what had happened. 247 00:17:59,634.9955 --> 00:18:09,934.9965 I talked about like, I didn't understand what was happening to me because I'd just gotten out of this crazy thing, right? Like a couple months earlier where I was like, this woman wouldn't leave me alone. 248 00:18:09,944.9965 --> 00:18:13,314.9965 And I ended the relationship and she ended up breaking into my home. 249 00:18:13,859.9965 --> 00:18:20,999.9965 she got arrested, I had to call the cops, uh, they, they were like in my house and pointing nine millimeters at me. 250 00:18:21,9.9965 --> 00:18:21,809.9955 It was awful. 251 00:18:22,519.9965 --> 00:18:23,399.9965 It was awful. 252 00:18:23,399.9965 --> 00:18:24,549.9965 And I was, I'm just done. 253 00:18:24,579.9965 --> 00:18:25,859.9965 And this is post recovery. 254 00:18:25,859.9965 --> 00:18:27,589.9955 So I'm sober at this point. 255 00:18:27,589.9955 --> 00:18:32,429.9965 I'm still making these, I'm still making the decisions in sickness. 256 00:18:34,39.9955 --> 00:18:46,309.9965 So instead of saying, this is not a good thing, I'm saying, let me touch that hot stove one more time, or let me test those waters one more time because I want the chaos. 257 00:18:47,139.9965 --> 00:18:51,29.9965 I'm interested in that still, there's still an alcoholic and a, yeah, there's a little piece. 258 00:18:51,29.9965 --> 00:18:51,599.9965 We want that. 259 00:18:51,629.9965 --> 00:18:57,29.9965 We want a little bit of the, you know, until you meet the right person. 260 00:18:57,409.9965 --> 00:18:58,899.9965 There's this thing called love. 261 00:18:58,969.9965 --> 00:19:01,999.9965 And if you've never felt it, you've never had it before. 262 00:19:02,689.9965 --> 00:19:04,709.9965 It's other worldly. 263 00:19:04,719.9965 --> 00:19:06,429.9965 It's something you've never experienced. 264 00:19:06,429.9965 --> 00:19:06,939.9965 And so. 265 00:19:07,564.9965 --> 00:19:21,524.9955 When you experience it, you realize I can live this, what alcoholics would call a normie life, a boring life, a day to day that is, you know, working on a regular basis and adulting. 266 00:19:23,154.9955 --> 00:19:24,254.9965 Adulting isn't fun. 267 00:19:24,844.9965 --> 00:19:28,554.9965 We know that, but it sure is takeable when you have love. 268 00:19:29,314.9955 --> 00:19:29,674.9965 I agree. 269 00:19:30,194.9955 --> 00:19:34,694.9965 So that's kind of how I feel about, emotional sobriety coming full circle. 270 00:19:34,844.9965 --> 00:19:34,954.9965 Okay. 271 00:19:35,904.9965 --> 00:19:39,764.9965 You, you, you can't meet somebody when you first get sober and think you're going to have. 272 00:19:40,144.9965 --> 00:19:40,714.9965 Stuff together. 273 00:19:40,714.9965 --> 00:19:42,394.9965 You're probably still gonna make a few more mistakes. 274 00:19:42,474.9965 --> 00:19:46,284.9965 Going back to when you said that you have to make the decision for change. 275 00:19:46,404.9965 --> 00:19:48,204.9965 I wanted change. 276 00:19:49,214.9965 --> 00:19:54,894.9965 I wasn't aware that, uh, getting sober was the change that I needed. 277 00:19:55,464.9965 --> 00:19:58,544.9965 So I was like, let me take care of myself. 278 00:19:59,154.9965 --> 00:20:03,754.9965 You know, I'm going to concentrate on me because I had post divorce started dating. 279 00:20:03,754.9965 --> 00:20:04,794.9965 I did some online dating. 280 00:20:04,794.9965 --> 00:20:06,44.9965 It was terrible. 281 00:20:06,54.9965 --> 00:20:07,674.9965 It was just the worst thing. 282 00:20:08,164.9955 --> 00:20:09,354.9955 I would not recommend it. 283 00:20:09,374.9955 --> 00:20:10,564.9965 I did not like the scene. 284 00:20:10,924.9965 --> 00:20:14,264.9965 And so I kind of stopped all of that and said, I'm going to work on me. 285 00:20:14,274.9965 --> 00:20:16,324.9955 And that's how I met you. 286 00:20:16,814.9965 --> 00:20:25,684.9965 I had, you know, wanted to start fitness program or something so I could be healthier and stronger in that way. 287 00:20:25,704.9965 --> 00:20:27,704.9965 But I, I lacked the. 288 00:20:27,754.9965 --> 00:20:36,854.9965 Self awareness that I needed in order to say, sobriety is what I need to, to work on myself first and then the other things can come after. 289 00:20:36,874.9955 --> 00:20:41,194.9945 There's these different personalities that you have, but you can't see them until you have that first wake up. 290 00:20:41,195.0945 --> 00:20:44,154.9955 You can't even see that I do all these different things. 291 00:20:44,504.9955 --> 00:20:49,434.9955 Oh my gosh, I'm all these different people, I didn't know who I was, you know. 292 00:20:49,434.9955 --> 00:20:50,244.9955 Without the substance. 293 00:20:50,344.9955 --> 00:20:50,924.9955 Without it. 294 00:20:51,154.9955 --> 00:20:56,334.9955 Even though you had not had the substance for many years, you said that you were more of a dry drunk. 295 00:20:56,624.9955 --> 00:20:59,434.9955 I was for 13 years, but I was using marijuana often. 296 00:21:00,424.9955 --> 00:21:02,484.9955 And so I can't really say, Oh, I'm sober. 297 00:21:03,134.9955 --> 00:21:05,284.9955 You almost play different roles as you go through. 298 00:21:05,284.9955 --> 00:21:09,584.9935 Who am I? Mm hmm how do I align to being sober? In our relationship, you went through it. 299 00:21:09,774.9945 --> 00:21:10,984.9945 Yeah, I did. 300 00:21:11,84.9935 --> 00:21:11,534.9935 I did. 301 00:21:11,534.9935 --> 00:21:24,489.9935 And I think in the beginning I was, very victim y, you know? I was the victim of, of, uh, Being abused and having, you know, Complications with your ex, all those things and then gaslighting. 302 00:21:24,509.9935 --> 00:21:24,949.9935 Yeah. 303 00:21:24,989.9935 --> 00:21:25,269.9935 Yeah. 304 00:21:25,269.9935 --> 00:21:28,339.9935 And I didn't know how to get over that, all of that. 305 00:21:28,399.9935 --> 00:21:31,689.9935 I think I was still kind of in shock that all of that had happened to me. 306 00:21:32,79.9935 --> 00:21:40,19.994 And then, uh, and then I kind of went through pause, having, feeling really kind of depressed. 307 00:21:40,559.994 --> 00:21:45,269.994 Then I had to get through a divorce on my own without a lawyer. 308 00:21:45,299.994 --> 00:21:49,899.994 And then I had to go through the court system on my own without any help. 309 00:21:49,915.094 --> 00:21:52,45.0935 And, um shit was a nightmare. 310 00:21:52,45.0945 --> 00:21:59,619.9945 And I was really, I remember feeling really angry that I was the one that had to do this. 311 00:22:01,170.0945 --> 00:22:10,890.0945 But when you don't have any money, you can't hire a lawyer, you know what I mean? And sometimes And I think if I would have been more sober, if I had been sober longer, It wouldn't have been a big deal. 312 00:22:10,890.0945 --> 00:22:11,470.0945 It wouldn't have angered me. 313 00:22:11,470.0945 --> 00:22:13,760.0945 I just would have been like, Well, this is another thing I have to do. 314 00:22:13,760.0945 --> 00:22:18,80.0945 But the, you know, the addict in me really wanted to go back to something to soothe. 315 00:22:18,810.0945 --> 00:22:19,840.0945 I needed soothing. 316 00:22:20,170.0945 --> 00:22:21,390.0945 It's the end of the world. 317 00:22:21,400.0945 --> 00:22:23,260.0945 Everything's the end of the world when you're an alcoholic. 318 00:22:23,690.0945 --> 00:22:24,430.0945 Catastrophic. 319 00:22:24,430.0945 --> 00:22:24,940.0945 I have a headache. 320 00:22:24,940.0945 --> 00:22:25,560.0945 I have cancer. 321 00:22:26,350.0945 --> 00:22:29,340.0945 That's the way a lot of addicts think. 322 00:22:29,370.0945 --> 00:22:29,830.0945 Yes. 323 00:22:29,950.0945 --> 00:22:30,570.0935 Very German. 324 00:22:31,110.0945 --> 00:22:39,620.0945 You know, Oh, why, how is this happening to me? And I think there's a lot of self importance that hinges on, um, you know, alcoholism as well. 325 00:22:40,110.0945 --> 00:22:40,480.0945 And money. 326 00:22:40,670.0945 --> 00:22:41,460.0945 It's selfishness. 327 00:22:41,510.0945 --> 00:22:42,670.0945 Money's a big topic. 328 00:22:43,590.0945 --> 00:22:45,950.0945 When you talk about money, you said the word money. 329 00:22:46,640.0945 --> 00:22:47,450.0945 I haven't said it yet. 330 00:22:47,540.0935 --> 00:22:47,900.0945 Mm hmm. 331 00:22:48,645.0945 --> 00:23:05,575.0945 Money is a wonderful thing when you have it and you make it and you earn it honestly and you're able to support yourself and your family and you're not using it and wasting it on alcohol and making stupid decisions. 332 00:23:06,45.0945 --> 00:23:06,945.0945 It's a beautiful thing. 333 00:23:07,795.0935 --> 00:23:11,825.0945 A lot of people demonize money, you know, only because they're not good at making it. 334 00:23:12,685.0945 --> 00:23:17,375.0945 That's often why, you know, and for you not having money was hard. 335 00:23:18,90.0945 --> 00:23:20,430.0945 But it was the best lesson for me, though. 336 00:23:20,480.0945 --> 00:23:20,760.0945 Yeah. 337 00:23:20,930.0945 --> 00:23:21,890.0945 It was the best. 338 00:23:22,0.0945 --> 00:23:24,380.0945 And that's a part of the bottom that I was talking about. 339 00:23:24,380.0945 --> 00:23:35,580.0935 When you have no money and you're going through all of these things, and, you are still self soothing, let's say, with alcohol, you can get through the next day without the realization that you're poor. 340 00:23:35,580.0935 --> 00:23:44,280.0935 That you don't have any income coming in and you have these two kids that you have to raise all by yourself and, you know, you're not getting any support or any help or anything financially. 341 00:23:44,330.0935 --> 00:23:46,170.0935 And the complaining about it does nothing. 342 00:23:46,210.0935 --> 00:23:46,600.0935 Right. 343 00:23:47,30.0925 --> 00:23:48,930.0935 That's what I learned is I really wasn't a man. 344 00:23:49,380.0935 --> 00:23:53,60.093 I mean, I was, I thought I was, I felt like, Oh, I've been accomplished. 345 00:23:53,60.093 --> 00:24:08,385.0935 I've made a couple of movies and I'm, I've done these cool things, but did it really make me a lot of money? Did it, was it, was I really working for my family to provide? The way that I needed to, was I doing the boring things I needed to do. 346 00:24:08,845.0935 --> 00:24:14,35.0935 A lot of times, businesses that make money, and this is a little bit off topic, they're boring. 347 00:24:14,805.0935 --> 00:24:15,95.0935 Mm hmm. 348 00:24:15,315.0935 --> 00:24:19,315.0935 And the work we have to do is not always the most fun and exciting. 349 00:24:19,355.0935 --> 00:24:21,655.0935 I always went after fun and exciting. 350 00:24:21,655.0935 --> 00:24:27,65.0935 Make a movie and be adulated for that movie and find the validation in it. 351 00:24:27,275.0935 --> 00:24:27,675.0935 Mm hmm. 352 00:24:28,365.0935 --> 00:24:30,465.0935 And that costs money and it doesn't make you. 353 00:24:30,535.1935 --> 00:24:37,15.0935 You know, unless you have a huge hit and I think there's, I think egos come into play too. 354 00:24:37,445.0935 --> 00:24:50,885.0955 And that's when humility has to start in your life where you go, I am not the end all be all singing, dancing, trap of the world, as you say, I'm not that. 355 00:24:51,65.0945 --> 00:24:53,735.0945 When you start to piece everything together. 356 00:24:54,295.0945 --> 00:24:56,845.0945 I needed adulation and I needed acceptance. 357 00:24:56,855.0945 --> 00:25:10,135.0935 So I had a tendency to overshare and, go to friends and just completely dump all of the things that were going on in my life to make this case of how bad I had it. 358 00:25:10,665.0945 --> 00:25:14,405.0945 And I needed them to agree with me and I needed them to, Validation. 359 00:25:14,655.0945 --> 00:25:18,205.0935 Oh gosh, you really are going through such a hard time. 360 00:25:18,205.0945 --> 00:25:18,995.0935 I needed that. 361 00:25:19,435.0945 --> 00:25:21,475.0945 And, I don't need that anymore. 362 00:25:21,755.0945 --> 00:25:24,425.0945 I, I'm just, I'm out there doing my thing. 363 00:25:24,455.0945 --> 00:25:26,235.0945 And I know that I've got this. 364 00:25:26,245.0945 --> 00:25:28,35.0945 And I'm, sober. 365 00:25:28,35.0945 --> 00:25:29,905.0945 I've been sober for over five years. 366 00:25:29,905.0945 --> 00:25:37,945.0935 And I'm, whatever comes my way, I know that I can deal with whatever it is without having crutch. 367 00:25:38,85.0935 --> 00:25:38,935.0935 Yeah, big lesson there. 368 00:25:39,5.0935 --> 00:25:44,495.0935 And I get to go through it in real time, which is, is less time. 369 00:25:45,5.0935 --> 00:25:51,215.0935 When you, when you try to, when you give people that, You're giving away a massive amount of your power. 370 00:25:51,965.0935 --> 00:25:54,715.0935 You're giving them all of this information about yourself. 371 00:25:54,725.0935 --> 00:25:56,655.0935 You're just dumping this off. 372 00:25:56,675.0935 --> 00:25:57,75.0925 Mm hmm. 373 00:25:57,225.0935 --> 00:25:58,695.0925 Versus just handling it. 374 00:25:58,805.0935 --> 00:25:58,895.0935 Right. 375 00:25:58,915.0935 --> 00:26:03,645.0925 So every time you dump it off, you don't actually process it and go, I need to deal with this on my own. 376 00:26:03,695.0925 --> 00:26:04,75.0935 Mm hmm. 377 00:26:04,275.0925 --> 00:26:05,665.0925 I don't need the adulation. 378 00:26:05,665.0935 --> 00:26:06,805.0925 I don't need the validation. 379 00:26:06,865.0935 --> 00:26:07,65.0925 Mm hmm. 380 00:26:07,165.0935 --> 00:26:10,775.0935 What I need to do is sit back and say, okay, it happened. 381 00:26:11,425.0935 --> 00:26:12,95.0935 I can handle it. 382 00:26:12,105.0935 --> 00:26:12,545.0935 Right. 383 00:26:12,805.0935 --> 00:26:14,545.0935 And I'm It does take time though. 384 00:26:14,545.0935 --> 00:26:18,965.0925 It took time for me to relearn how to live the right way. 385 00:26:19,390.0935 --> 00:26:52,640.1925 And what I mean by that is, something happens, something, let's say, your child gets hurt or sick, before it would be deal with it a little bit, freak out while dealing with it, call my mom, call a friend, call this person, call that person, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah dump everything on them and then try and get, direction on how I needed to You're trying to be calmed by the, can you calm me down? Can you help me through this? But You're my pacifier, and you're my pacifier, and I need some help here, and you're gonna do this for me, maybe that would help, but it never helped. 386 00:26:52,670.1915 --> 00:26:55,830.1925 The, the thing that needed to happen was I needed to take charge. 387 00:26:56,120.1925 --> 00:27:04,380.1925 I needed to take care of the situation at hand, um, as best as I could, and know that Most of it was out of my control. 388 00:27:04,380.1925 --> 00:27:08,480.1925 The only thing that I could control was my, was myself and the way that I behaved. 389 00:27:08,950.1925 --> 00:27:11,640.1925 Now I, I understand the art of that. 390 00:27:11,770.1925 --> 00:27:14,120.1925 Well, you're never going to learn anything through success. 391 00:27:14,600.1915 --> 00:27:15,880.1925 All of those were failures. 392 00:27:15,960.1925 --> 00:27:16,210.1925 Right. 393 00:27:16,320.1925 --> 00:27:17,950.1925 So you are going to fall on your face. 394 00:27:18,20.1915 --> 00:27:22,880.1925 So you've got the steps that we talked about today, right? Done a pretty good job covering it, really. 395 00:27:23,120.1925 --> 00:27:25,190.1925 When you think about, you have to quit the chemical. 396 00:27:25,190.1925 --> 00:27:26,70.1925 That's the first thing. 397 00:27:26,120.2925 --> 00:27:48,10.2925 Putting the chemical, realize you have a problem, take actionable steps, add up small victories every day, put yourself through some pain, figure out how you are going to get yourself off your butt and change your life, stop the porn, stop the bad food, stop the chaos in your relationships, stop going and talking to everybody and bombing them with all of your problems and start taking responsibility for your life. 398 00:27:48,270.2925 --> 00:27:49,710.2925 Those are the things you have to do to start. 399 00:27:50,170.2925 --> 00:27:53,100.2925 Then, if you're not making money, get out there and start making money. 400 00:27:53,100.2925 --> 00:27:56,780.2925 Change your life, communicate with different people, get away from the people who are drunk. 401 00:27:57,295.2925 --> 00:27:59,425.2925 That drink, you're going to have to get rid of those friends. 402 00:27:59,425.2925 --> 00:28:02,45.2925 Even some that may not even be that. 403 00:28:02,255.2925 --> 00:28:03,275.2925 They may not be alcoholic. 404 00:28:03,285.2925 --> 00:28:07,555.2925 And you just, they might be someone that you have a toxic relationship with. 405 00:28:07,685.2925 --> 00:28:14,35.2925 And it's built that way because you've based your relationship and your problems with alcohol and the things that it brings you. 406 00:28:14,285.2925 --> 00:28:18,185.2925 with this person that you go and you float everything on to, even if they don't have a problem. 407 00:28:18,185.2925 --> 00:28:18,605.2925 You're right. 408 00:28:18,905.2925 --> 00:28:20,715.2925 You might have to change your entire friend circle. 409 00:28:20,805.2925 --> 00:28:21,215.2925 I did. 410 00:28:21,365.2925 --> 00:28:25,625.292 But when you do that, you open yourself up to a clean slate to start again. 411 00:28:26,25.292 --> 00:28:28,765.292 And starting again is critical for people who have a problem. 412 00:28:28,765.292 --> 00:28:34,895.292 You have to, you may have to remove family members from your life that cause you problems. 413 00:28:35,105.292 --> 00:28:41,165.292 Just because somebody shares the same blood as you doesn't mean they are good for you. 414 00:28:41,175.292 --> 00:28:41,455.292 Right. 415 00:28:41,455.392 --> 00:28:41,525.192 Right. 416 00:28:42,275.292 --> 00:28:46,775.292 That doesn't, just because they're your family doesn't mean they want what's best for you. 417 00:28:47,25.292 --> 00:28:49,415.292 That's really hard for some people to hear. 418 00:28:50,275.292 --> 00:28:56,95.291 Really they'll, they'll, they'll go to their grave because of someone just because they're a family member. 419 00:28:56,735.292 --> 00:29:09,995.292 You know, you end up in this enabling relationship with family members and they take them all the way to the very end and enable them through the alcoholism, through the sickness, whatever it is, until the point they're so sick that they die. 420 00:29:10,595.292 --> 00:29:10,885.292 Yeah. 421 00:29:11,500.292 --> 00:29:13,820.292 And so you have to be strong enough to break away from all that. 422 00:29:14,10.292 --> 00:29:14,390.292 You do. 423 00:29:14,400.292 --> 00:29:15,540.292 And that's difficult. 424 00:29:15,600.292 --> 00:29:15,850.292 Yeah. 425 00:29:15,850.292 --> 00:29:17,760.292 That is a difficult part of this. 426 00:29:17,770.292 --> 00:29:19,40.292 I've had to do I've had to do that. 427 00:29:20,80.292 --> 00:29:20,540.292 I have too. 428 00:29:20,990.292 --> 00:29:21,770.292 You have for sure. 429 00:29:21,790.292 --> 00:29:22,130.292 Mm hmm. 430 00:29:22,260.292 --> 00:29:23,120.292 More than me even. 431 00:29:23,150.292 --> 00:29:23,350.292 Mm hmm. 432 00:29:23,750.292 --> 00:29:24,130.292 Yeah. 433 00:29:24,490.292 --> 00:29:31,310.293 And I, I think I've learned along the way that, the way that I knew to have friends and relationships with people was wrong. 434 00:29:32,0.293 --> 00:29:33,140.293 And I was toxic. 435 00:29:33,390.293 --> 00:29:36,980.293 I was the toxic person in, in those instances a lot. 436 00:29:36,980.293 --> 00:29:43,100.293 My thing now is I'm very guarded about who is around me. 437 00:29:43,100.293 --> 00:29:46,790.2925 I don't have a big friend, uh, pool. 438 00:29:46,790.2925 --> 00:29:49,550.293 I don't have, a big family pool either. 439 00:29:49,700.293 --> 00:29:51,870.292 It's very, very close people. 440 00:29:51,870.293 --> 00:30:00,725.293 And I'm very guarded on the information that I share because I know that that's my weakness. 441 00:30:01,35.293 --> 00:30:02,915.293 Well they can spiritually use it against you. 442 00:30:03,665.293 --> 00:30:06,175.293 And that's a big topic, right? We haven't touched on that. 443 00:30:06,185.293 --> 00:30:08,865.293 Maybe we can touch on that on another, in another episode. 444 00:30:09,315.293 --> 00:30:17,755.293 Because when we start talking about spiritual and walking in the manner worthy of which you have been called, that's a really important topic. 445 00:30:17,785.292 --> 00:30:24,555.292 And you can't walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called unless you get sober. 446 00:30:25,605.293 --> 00:30:34,365.293 You take away those bad things and you're working toward a positive outcome daily or working toward that spiritual alignment. 447 00:30:34,435.293 --> 00:30:42,745.293 I think we need to clarify too that, I think you kind of, you hit on it a little bit, but you said however you need to get sober in the beginning. 448 00:30:42,845.294 --> 00:30:48,980.294 Um, you know, we don't, Advocate or not advocate for programs. 449 00:30:49,10.294 --> 00:30:53,200.294 We don't, we're, we're not like telling you what to do on how to get sober. 450 00:30:53,200.294 --> 00:30:55,420.294 You're going to have to find that journey on your own. 451 00:30:55,940.294 --> 00:31:04,190.293 I got sober with his help, but I ended up having to see a therapist for a while in order to get over a lot of my emotional stuff. 452 00:31:04,230.293 --> 00:31:08,974.5744762 And, and it wasn't necessarily the therapist that was the eye opening thing. 453 00:31:08,974.5744762 --> 00:31:15,570.294 It was me coming to the conclusions and with her, a little bit with her help. 454 00:31:16,650.294 --> 00:31:18,540.294 It was hard to relive some of that stuff. 455 00:31:18,570.294 --> 00:31:21,330.294 You have to see a therapist until you realize you never really needed a therapist. 456 00:31:21,340.294 --> 00:31:21,690.294 Right. 457 00:31:22,130.294 --> 00:31:24,170.294 That's, that's the, that's the thing about it. 458 00:31:24,180.294 --> 00:31:24,880.294 I've done it too. 459 00:31:24,880.294 --> 00:31:26,910.293 Like I'm not, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. 460 00:31:26,970.294 --> 00:31:27,910.294 No, I'm not either. 461 00:31:27,910.294 --> 00:31:38,353.1364286 I think that you have, your journey is your journey and whatever that is, like we, we want you to be sober and enjoy life the way that we're enjoying life. 462 00:31:38,353.1364286 --> 00:31:42,744.6081429 but even the things that we're talking about on what work for us might not work for you. 463 00:31:43,134.6071429 --> 00:31:45,604.6071429 I think that the, the one thing would work. 464 00:31:46,719.6071429 --> 00:31:48,829.6071429 And, and that's something we can talk about in another episode. 465 00:31:48,829.6071429 --> 00:31:50,879.6071429 What's that? I'm not going to say. 466 00:31:51,339.6071429 --> 00:31:51,499.6071429 Oh. 467 00:31:51,559.6071429 --> 00:32:03,979.6071429 Let's just end it there and we'll leave that hanging on what absolutely does work if you can find it, for example, my car accident was something that I was totally wasted, totally out of control. 468 00:32:04,279.6071429 --> 00:32:08,629.6071429 And I thought this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened. 469 00:32:08,899.6071429 --> 00:32:09,449.6071429 Mm hmm. 470 00:32:09,589.6071429 --> 00:32:12,495.8321429 Sometimes the worst things that happen to you are the best things that happen to you.