May 15, 2023 • 78 mins
Do you know what to do when children are affected or witness violent acts like school shootings, stabbings, and violence in the community or home? What should be the first steps and what to do to help them not to develop trauma responses which could lead to PTSD? This episode is full of practical tips and techniques that parents, relatives, teachers and any support workers can use to help children process traumatic events in their lives. Please leave a like or comment if you found this useful resource or what questions related to childhood trauma you would like answered. Trauma therapists Barb Smith Varclova and Danijela Mrdak
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Episode Transcript
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(00:07):
You.
Hello and welcome to the 8th episode
of podcast way out of Childhood Trauma.
I am the Barb Smith Varclova from Your Steps
Counseling founder with the program Trauma Response Reprogramming.
And here with me is the
Danijela Mrdak from Mind Freedom Therapy.
(00:27):
And our today topic is very serious, but we
want to make it almost as kind of like
a mastermind or really info for people, because today's
topic, it's related to the violence witnessed by children.
And we hear it in the news often about
(00:51):
shooting or stabbing in schools or violence in schools
or in an environment where our children and I'm
personally very horrified every time when I hear that.
And it's why we decided to make this
episode on topic how to help children.
So I would want to ask Lela how you see
(01:18):
these moments when children witnessing or are part of the
violence events in their life. I am gald that we do this episode dedicated to children.
(01:39):
It is really very sad to see
how children feel when they experience traumatic
events like terrorism, manmade disasters, war, shootings,
global pandemic or natural disasters.
And they feel affected in a very profound
(02:02):
way because they lose this feeling of safety.
And especially when they experience mass shootings
at school, they lose the feeling that
school is a safe place.
And when they go back home and if they have unstable
home, they also don't find a safe place there.
(02:22):
So children are in a very high risk of potential selfharm,
thinking about suicide or they turn to drugs or high
risk behaviors, depending, of course, on their age.
They respond differently in elementary schools and
(02:44):
adolescents, but they do feel guilt.
They might feel survival guilt because they
have survived certain crisis and their neighbours
or friends or relatives, family members haven't.
So they feel a lot of anxiety, they
have problems with concentrating, problems with sleeping with
(03:06):
nightmares and they startling easily, which is also
a significant symptom that they have experienced trauma.
And sometimes they don't want to
discuss about trauma with their parents.
And on other occasions they're talking to everyone because
(03:27):
they're so frightened and they're trying to find someone
who can give them empathy, compassion and reassure them
that this world can be a safe place again.
So I think that child expressing that reactions to
(03:48):
trauma interfere with their daily lives, their ability to
function and to interact with other people.
In general, the symptoms can develop gradually,
slowly, or the symptoms can be invisible.
That's why many caregivers, parents, grandparents, teachers
(04:10):
need help and we should provide them
with that help or advice.
And I'm very happy that today we
can share some fundamental information about how
to handle the crisis and emergency situations.
And I also love to hear
(04:32):
your opinion about this topic yes.
And that it's very important to go to the
beginning what is actually happening in that event.
And we often speak about trauma, but trauma
itself, it's a reaction on the event.
It's not that even itself what happened to
the child, but how the child process it
(04:55):
how the child or others dealt with that.
And when is there any, for example, violent attack or
mass shooting or any violent attack in school or in other
environment, the child naturally go to the survival mode.
Then the mind will just swap up to the
(05:18):
survival mode and that child will start reacting from
that level of I need to survive.
And it will also be affected on their brain
function that their brain will start warning signals.
Very active.
Amygdala is very active.
All senses to listen, smell, hear everything.
(05:42):
And also we start producing very high level
of cortisol and adrenaline to this fight mode
and run mode and just protective mode.
So when we speaking about trauma, we want to
go even like before that we want to speak
(06:03):
today about what to do to prevent developing trauma
because trauma is the trauma response on event.
But when we take the steps since the event
happened in that first days and first weeks with
children, they don't have to necessarily developing trauma response
because it's about how they as the individuals process
(06:28):
that experience they had and how they learn from
it and how they can move forward.
So they will not get to that disconnection of the
part, they will not get stuck in that event and
that trauma responses doesn't necessarily need to be developed.
So when the trauma response is already developed then we
(06:50):
need to take actions to work with them and we
need to help them to release the trauma.
But it's really important that they
are possible to stop it.
We don't have to necessarily say it would
happen, but it's really important to look on
what is happening in that time.
So when the child or adult, but with child
(07:12):
very extensively facing about that the first emotion which
will come is fear which is natural.
We all will be afraid.
If we'll come fear, then we'll also come anger because
anger is energy which helping us to protect ourselves.
So that will go into that reaction.
(07:35):
If it will be run, hide, froze, scream,
that will go from that reaction of anger.
And if they are processed, if they are
released, if they are expressed, then the child
can see the experience as something which happened
(07:56):
in their life and how they moving forward.
If these emotions are not processed, if
they are stuck, if they are suppressed,
then it start developing that trauma response.
So it's why we're really important these first
moments and first weeks after any crisis, whatever
(08:18):
that type of crisis it is.
Yes.
And it's very interesting how you said
about the meaning that children give to
the crisis and situation they have experienced.
And it's connected to how the brain is
(08:39):
hardwired to respond to emergencies in a very
specific way because this fear response means that
brain is encountering something very traumatic that may
be dangerous, and the brain just disattaches.
(09:00):
The reptilian brain detaches from the emotion and turns
on the strategy to survive the survival mode.
And they feel this flight or fight response.
So the body releases biological molecules that
change things in the body as well.
(09:22):
And they also feel increased heart rate, sweating, hyper
focus and the hyper focus of the intention.
And among the most significant changes several
part of cortex begin to shut down.
The frontal lobe goes first affecting our
(09:44):
functions and the ability to plan, to
judge, to process problems and to verbalize.
So kids cannot process the language.
And when we speak them, when we tell
them give them kind of advice or information
what to do, they don't listen because they
(10:05):
cannot process what we are saying to them.
And when we ask them how do you feel?
Talk to me, what is your name?
Tell me where you are, how old are you? What is today?
Today they have problems to verbalize it because
their body and brain responds immediately to trauma.
(10:26):
So they have problems to
regulate their emotions as well.
And the best way to approach children in this
situation is to look at their eyes, talk softly
and ask them what is your name?
Call them by their name and tell them that now they're
safe, you're the adult, you know ways how to help them
(10:48):
and you can explain them, introduce them away that you're going
to help them where they can go to feel safe and
make them feel that are not alone in the world.
Because they are dependent on adults and when crisis happen,
they have no idea life experience what to do.
(11:10):
And sometimes physically very small
and they cannot escape.
So the feeling that they cannot escape
physically or mentally or emotionally is very
devastating disabilitating and it creates the feeling
that helpless and hopeless and powerless.
(11:31):
So can you Barb tell me something about
how can we help children not to feel
these feelings of helplessness and powerlessness?
How can we first help them and encourage them?
I think that's very important is to acknowledge
(11:53):
that feelings they have and find a way
how we will allow them to express them.
That is very important reaction of
the adults and especially the parents.
Because as same as with the children when
they are afraid and will come anger.
(12:14):
And if the parents they would get scared
for their children then very often will come
also that anger, that anger that wants to
protect them, wants to take care of them.
But it's very important for adults
and parents to work with that.
And they're realizing it, that if they express that
(12:37):
anger, they actually scaring that child even more.
Because the child doesn't understand.
The child will seem that they are angry to him or
her, that they did something wrong, that it's their fault that
they was there or something happened in that moment.
Parents are not that safe place because when they
(12:58):
are angry, they are actually dangerous to their children.
So it's really important to
realize that they are scared.
If they realize that they are scared, they
can connect with that child feeling of scared.
And then both can release it.
And it's what elevating children from that.
(13:20):
If they realize it's okay, it's okay to be scared.
It was terrifying situation.
But now you are safe.
I was also scared.
So I have that power.
I wanted to protect you and I am here for you now.
So it's really important when we are doing in
(13:41):
the first time and children didn't get the chance
to express their emotions, we can actually do it.
And so one of the techniques which parents
or caregivers or even teachers can do with
the children after event like that.
So it's traumatizing and it's to recognize if
(14:02):
the child has that emotion which is expressing.
If they are angry, you can tell
them can I be angry with you?
And express that if they are sad,
can I be sad with you?
And all that really connect with them, acknowledge, allow them to
have that emotion and not trying to tell them oh, it
(14:22):
will be all okay, it will be all fine.
Because it's just me that we
telling them what do you feel? It's not real.
What do you feel? It's not right.
And they will just start suppressing it.
You need to tell them what you feel is right.
Because you feel it, that's okay.
(14:44):
Which is like can I be with you?
It's really working because we can really go down on
that level of that child and connect with them.
And it's actually a very therapeutic also
for that adults who are doing it.
Because of course even adults are affected.
It was happened to the children and
when we started reconnecting with their feelings,
reconnecting with our feelings and we can
(15:06):
release them and realizing that that's happened.
But that was event in the time and
we are not in that moment now.
And also release ourselves from that moment.
So, it's really important to
let them express that emotions.
But also it's very important to give
them comfort and react for their actually
(15:27):
bodily requirements after traumatic events.
Because all that what's happened in their
brain, all hormones created in their body,
all the direction is very tiring.
So they are in the state of shock.
It's really good to give them some
(15:48):
safe place, warm place, warm drinks and
let them rest even for several days.
Just let them not force them to some routine.
Not force them to do something they don't want to.
Because they are exhausted.
They are really very tired because their body
was flushed with very high level of hormones.
(16:10):
And we can compare it to like if you
will go and run the marathon without being trained
to be marathon runner and you will just go
and run the marathon, how exhausted that child is.
And that's also important in that careful realization that
they have the right to be feel weak, Right
(16:32):
to be tired and not start putting any labels on
or you should be stronger or you should be that.
No allow them to actually be children and process it.
They didn't deserve to go through that, they
didn't want it to go through that.
(16:53):
They got to that situation but by not
own choice and we need to give them
chance to actually recover and process it.
So that's important.
What would be your tip, Lela, for parents?
What they could do with the children to help them?
(17:14):
I think one very important aspect after crisis
happens in a community is that parents should
reduce exposure to media and the news about
the disaster because it is traumatizing the children
again. They're reliving the events and the trauma
(17:36):
as if it's happening right now and their
body responds in the same way.
So parents should actually encourage their children to ask
questions about what happened, why it happened and the
parents should explain them what was on the news
and what is the truth and what is not.
(17:58):
And to reduce this exposure because it's harmful.
And very often children suffer through smaller
but equally devastating emergencies like bullying at
school and community violence, racial violence.
And it is very important to acknowledge that kids can
(18:23):
have a lot of trauma and they hide it from
their parents because they don't want to worry their parents.
And parents should also expect that a crisis occurs,
that children may experience the sense of loss, the
sense of loss of security and routine.
(18:46):
So this comes from the sense of permanency.
Give them the belief that they are safe
and good when they have a routine.
But when they lose this it's common that children
just want to be by themselves and they're asking
(19:09):
themselves about the world they knew and the world
that was one safe place but it's not anymore.
So disasters can also increase family conflict,
family violence, arguing and also mental health
problems, substance abuse, alcohol, drugs and parents
(19:30):
should be aware of this.
And even the children who are not directly
impacted by the crisis like school shootings, natural
disasters, terrorism can also be afraid and feel
this fear because of the media exposure.
It's available online, they can
(19:51):
get information very easily.
And parents should work with their children at home, because
if children feel neglected at home, if they feel that
they don't have a voice, that they are not seen
or heard, they're going to be very disappointed.
And they're not going to want to talk to
(20:14):
anyone else outside of the home because they will
think, if my parents don't love me, nobody will help me.
How could I trust anyone else?
Like teachers, caregivers, neighbours or grandparents.
And sometimes kids have problems to verbalize
and explain their experience of trauma.
(20:35):
And depending on their age, if they're
adolescents or elementary school or younger age,
parents can encourage their kids to express
themselves creatively about their trauma.
And sometimes children will disassociate from trauma.
When you tell them to paint the
(20:55):
traumatic event they're going to paint something
beautiful because they're disassociated and they have
created a safe place in their mind.
You can encourage your children to use drawing,
painting, sculpt with clay, depending on their age.
And you can start this exercise with kids by
(21:18):
asking them to write what they feel today, what
they dream last night, and to grow a person
who makes them feel comfortable and safe and create
a conversation about that, about this exercise.
Because kids love to play, they love to be creative
(21:39):
and you can have a chance to speak more openly
with your children and give them even more safety, connection,
love and the emotions that they need in this moment.
And I would love to ask you Barb,
what would you advise parents or caregivers?
(22:03):
How can they take care of themselves better?
To give a better support to their children?
Yes.
And the main thing is that realization of their
own feelings because there are reasons behind them.
Usually the most common feeling it's anger which is caused
(22:25):
by that fear but behind that is that feeling of
helplessness that wasn't there, wasn't able to protect them and
then it's often related to that own feeling of own
capability to cope am I strong enough?
(22:45):
I'm not, I'm not enough, I'm failing.
Because feeling as a failure that wasn't able to
protect children or be in their presence and that
often stem from their own experiences as children.
So that is important for them to realize that
(23:08):
what is reality and same as they would try
or should try to allow children to process what
actually happened for them as an individual, they should
realize what happened for them.
And even, for example, map the day when it's happened.
(23:28):
Like, really in the morning, I woke up,
I have this for breakfast, how it was
actually a very normal day until something happened.
And then what?
That emotions were when they came and realizing that
they wasn't able to do anything, they wasn't there.
(23:49):
It's not their fault.
It's not that they did something wrong.
It's just happened.
And even when we see it as
very of course negative event in life
everything in the universe is actually neutral.
It's just how we react to it so we don't
have to love it, but we can get to that
natural point of view and saying, like, yeah, this happened.
(24:15):
I did my best to support my children.
I was afraid.
I feel like this and I feel like that.
But start realizing that it wasn't something they was
able to influence and taking off that expectation on
themselves what they should do, could do, would do
(24:36):
because they are all just creating that why it
is important is that because when the parents are
not able to process their own emotions, they are
very much projecting these emotions to their children so
then children doesn't feel safe to tell.
Their parents exactly as you said.
(24:56):
They don't want to bother them.
Because when they see that parents are overwhelmed
with these feelings, they don't feel safe to
go to them and speak with them.
But admitting these feelings to children, it's actually
very powerful because when we are admitting to
them that we were scared, they're realizing that
(25:17):
it's all right to be scared.
When we admit that we are angry because
we feel hopeless, they're realizing oh, I also
feel angry because I feel hopeless.
And that's actually right, it's okay feel like that.
So then they can process it.
In the moment when parents staying in
these emotions, they disconnecting from that emotions
(25:39):
from children and they don't feel safe.
Sometimes parent would say oh, my
child coping with that very well.
They are quiet and they are not
speaking about that, it didn't affect them.
So I would just want to warn parents
that if your child not speaking about traumatic
event had happened and seems like oh, that
(26:02):
act like normal, that's not healthy reaction.
It just mean that the
child disconnected from what's happening.
And in that case you would really should
make a conscious effort to make the child
to process it or seek professional help because
(26:23):
that just mean that the child suppress it.
That's just mean that they put it down.
Because even if the child is brave, courageous and it's
deal with that, they would speak about that, they would
say that they feel brave, they would say that they
feel that they cope well and that they are happy
(26:44):
that they survive and stuff like that.
Or they would admit that they was afraid,
but they was brave and went through it.
So if the child not speaking about events, it's
actually very warning sign that the child is dissociating.
But also that is the way the other technique which
(27:05):
I would recommend the parents, which can help them and
to help their children, is ask the children to speak
about what happened from a really their point of view.
Not what was telling on the TV, not even itself.
Like somebody shoot or somebody stabing.
What you did? You went to school or you
(27:26):
went somewhere in the morning and going really almost
minute by minute what's happened and how has happened?
And then show them on their reactions if
they would say, oh, I started running somewhere,
or I hide somewhere, or I frozen.
Show them that it's actually amazing that they
(27:49):
are actually strong, that it's their mind working
amazingly because perfectly as opposed to switch to
the survival mode and keep them alive and
that they are actually strong.
And it's helped them to reconnect
with that feeling of safety.
It's helped them reconnect with that feeling that they
can trust their intuition, that they can trust their
(28:11):
instincts and that they yes, I did survive, I
am strong, I am capable, I am worthy.
And in the same way the parents can do that
and if they feel like paradoxically, trauma is often not
(28:33):
exactly what happened, but the reaction around which happened.
And when we start speaking with children or with adults,
if they get stuck in some trauma response, it's often
it's what they would like to happen so that they
would say nobody was there for me, or I hope
that somebody would came and take me from there.
(28:55):
So that's the question which we can ask children
and let them describe the event which happened and
ask them what they would want to happen, what
they would want to happen instead of what happened.
And often they would not say that they would not
(29:15):
want to happen, that even itself because they very well
are realizing that it's not in their power.
But they would say I would want you to be there, or
I would want to be able to run quicker, or I would
want to come superman to swoosh and take me from there.
(29:35):
And that is technique which allows them to rewrite
the story because you can encourage them and say,
okay, let's make it happen and retell the story
in the new way that that happened, that somebody
was there for them, somebody came for them or
show them that they were strong.
(29:56):
And I'll tell them, oh, you didn't need to
really need that because you was actually so strong,
you managed to do that by yourself.
It's about that we can rewrite, we can say it
a different way, we can rewrite the story, what happened,
because it's all just our interpretation of that experience.
(30:20):
It's not what each of every individual on the earth,
it's a different reality we're living in because we all
see it just from our point of view.
So we can rewrite it, our point of view on
it, so the children can do that and parents or
carers or counselors can do it with the children, allow
(30:40):
them say what they would want happen, how they would.
Want to write that story, how they would write
that story and that's technique which allow them to
be reconnected back with their power, with their feelings.
This is fantastic technique, barb,
(31:01):
thank you for sharing this.
This is amazing.
And I think every parent should be inspired to try
this and use it because they can have instant results.
And one of the things that parents do when they
see that their child is behaving differently after experiencing trauma,
(31:22):
they always say what is wrong with you?
Why do you behave like this?
Why are you not like your
brother or someone from school?
And what is wrong with you?
They insist that something's wrong with the child and the
child feels even more different and even more alone.
And they avoid going places where happens, they
(31:44):
avoid talking about and sharing with parents and
they can go into risk taking behaviors, or
developing eating disorders, using and abusing drugs, or
engage in self harming, self harming behavior.
So a good way of turning this around.
(32:07):
What is wrong with you should be what happened to you.
You should ask yourself what happened to my child?
Because my child has changed, his behavior has changed.
My child is no longer smiling, doesn't have
happiness, doesn't play like it used to.
So I have listened very carefully about when you said
(32:31):
barb that you have mentioned the emotion of anger.
And when people experience something like this, they
don't have power, they don't have control, they're
hopeless and they feel a lot of anger.
You and I therapists know that the
underlying emotion behind this anger is pain.
And it's much easier for everyone in this
(32:53):
terrible situation to feel angry than to feel
pain and talk about the pain.
But the point is that you
shouldn't talk about the pain constantly.
You should do something with it.
Go to therapy, seek for professional help.
And this is very important for parents too.
Because if they feel anxiety and stress and
(33:15):
constant fear, outgoing fear about the safety of
their kids, they should both go to family
therapy and use different techniques like grounding technique.
Because when you tell your child to focus on the
outside world and tell you how many blue colors, how
(33:35):
many blue objects can he name in the room?
Or purple or yellow, then you can ask them
what they smell in the room, what they hear,
what are the signs, sounds in the room.
But also tell them to close their eyes and
take a deep breath and to start feeling the
(33:58):
world around them, the world where it's safe.
They can imagine what is the safe place.
Is it grandma's home for example?
If it's grandma's home.
If it's your home, then you should tell them, imagine
your grandma's home and imagine how many beautiful feelings she
gives you when she prepares your favorite meal.
(34:19):
And this is how you just use this
grounding technique to reduce the anxiety and fear
and help your child feel better immediately.
Because they're not going to be focused
on their thoughts, the chaos, the anxiety.
They will be focused on the outside
world instead of the inside feelings.
(34:40):
And you can help them feel calm and feel more safe.
You can also tell them to remember of the times
when the world was a safe place and that this
world will also give them a safe place and they
will be saved from if another crisis happens.
(35:02):
And you can tell them they do have a guardian
angel and they can use their superpowers of their mind.
You can also introduce some character
like Superman, everybody knows about Superman.
And you can tell them that this character
uses the power of his mind to have
superpowers, to save himself, to save everyone.
(35:23):
And children love characters love
to identify with superpower heroes.
You should be creative.
And if it's difficult for you, you can always
find a good therapist to help you set the
goals and strategies to helping your child.
And I think that it's very important for
(35:45):
community work together because first of all, not
everybody parents will be capable to do so.
Because if the parents dealing with their
own trauma unresolved, even before some crisis,
and they already are living in survival
(36:07):
mode, they can be extremely triggered.
And them itself, they can become triggered for
their children or actually become the additional source
of survival mode for their children.
If they are living in own trauma response
(36:28):
they probably will not be capable to react
to the needs of the children.
So I think that is very important for community
to look out for children of parents like that.
If it's the teachers, if it's the pupil support, if
it's the social workers or if it's the neighbors, if
it's some other member of the family and realizing that
(36:54):
yes, it is responsibility of parents but if their parents
are not fully capable adults in emotional and mental capacity
to help them, there should be some other parents, other
adults which will step in to some level and help
the children to process it.
(37:15):
It's really important not to forgot that children are
everybody, they are our future and we need to
kind of cooperate on raising it up.
But as you mentioned this grounding technique which is
about the connection to our sensors, to our senses,
(37:36):
then it's also important to process this sensory memories
which we have from this crisis moment and that
is often overlooking part you would probably read a
lot of advices which is about recognize the triggers
and try to avoid them.
(37:58):
That's not working.
That's not working because that just mean
that we actually deepening the trauma.
We deepening that feeling of unsafe and we confirm
for the child that all this is unsafe.
(38:18):
Every sound which is related to that,
every smell which is related to that.
So that is the winch, which is
called one which is going exposure therapy.
That's the one option.
So then we can in the small amount start
to expose child to the same environment or smells
or sounds and in the safe environment link this
(38:40):
sensory input with the safe moments.
That's one option and that can be used when they need
to revisit the places of where the crisis happen, when some
attacks happen and stuff like that it shouldn't be forced, it
shouldn't be long way on the first time.
(39:03):
So it's a process of realization that past
and presence are not in the same time.
That place itself, it's not dangerous that what
happened there or a person who was present
there is dangerous that it's on that place.
It's not that sound it's not that smell
(39:26):
or it's actually good to again try encourage
children to identify these memories identify these because
what we are not often realizing that our
mind processing about 2000 inputs every second.
(39:50):
A lot of people would remember from even
it happened, how it smelled, what they taste.
In their mouth.
How if there was a temperature, there was.
The sounds was around more.
(40:10):
We allow children to express that verbally and written
in dramatization or then more is helping them to
process that and separate that from that event and
just realize that that's common thing, this smell of
(40:31):
fish doesn't mean that I'm drowning.
The sound of bum or something doesn't
mean that somebody's shouting or somebody shooting.
So it's important to connect that.
I would again want to stress if your child
(40:53):
actually does develop trauma responses, which is mean, that
will be started with the sounds or will start
showing the signs of the high anxiety and some
noises or smells or touch then it's really important
(41:13):
to seek seek therapy for the child.
But I would really recommend some therapy which
working with subconscious mind or somatic responses as
is Hypnotherapy rd therapy or somatic techniques.
Because in that time it's
already developed traumatic responses.
It mean that the talking therapy
itself would not work itself.
(41:35):
The child didn't manage to verbalize it
before and it gets to that response.
So it need to be dealt with on different level.
But if you actually allow the chart in that
first days and weeks after event to find these
(41:57):
memories and acknowledge them then they are able to
kind of create a memory box.
This is all which belongs to there and they
will stop relating it to the daily life.
So it's kind of like creating the memory box of what
happened which can be even in a way of encouraging of
the photographs on things which can they touch everything.
(42:21):
Which is kind of related to that.
So again, if we are kind of back to
the basics of speak about and what's happened with
their children let them find the words or expression
of that because then their mind is powerful.
Their mind is able to process it.
We just need to encourage it.
We just need to help them to find that way.
(42:41):
And their mind will find where
they might want to be healthy.
Their mind want to be them fully functional.
And being in the survival mode is
very tiring for mind, for body.
So when we give the mind the options how to
release it, then mind will just jump for it.
(43:03):
It's why that?
Grounding technique or debriefing working because in that
way, we can even just tell children.
Just imagine that with every exhale, all that fear
or anxiety or anger going out and you're breathing
out like Dragon the fire or red.
Stem or something, and you just breathe it out.
(43:25):
And Mind would do that because
mind don't want it in body.
Mind want it out because it's very
heavy feeling and children have the great
imagination and all these suggestions.
You have a lie about introduce some
character which can help them, that's great
advice, because they can relate to it.
(43:47):
They can imagine what it's mean to be strong.
They can imagine that it's not needed be all the time.
Because the superheroes are not all the time.
Superman is great example with them because it's kind of
normal guy is it like Clark, just normal guy living
his life and becomes Superman when it's needed.
(44:07):
And the children need to realize the same, that
they are children, they are normal, they are fine,
but they are capable to protect themselves or react
correctly in the moment when it will be needed,
when they would be in some situation like that.
But they don't have to be in that mode all the time.
(44:29):
Also I would recommend one more technique for parents and
it is token of safety I would call it which
could be sound, which could be music or it can
be actually something what the child carry with them.
(44:53):
It's very effective technique for children.
If we will take something, if it's the necklace,
if it's the bracelet, if it's the pin on
their backpack, they can very strongly related to the
subject as the token of that they are protected
(45:17):
and they can create that belief very easily.
Like if I have this I am safe or it can be
lullaby which is synced to them in evening or music box which
they would have that feeling that that parent is there.
And maybe you will do it ten days, and after
(45:37):
that, if you will put it on, your child will
just fall in sleep because they'll feel safe.
So it's also technique, which is really
powerful and they can apply it.
And if we can encourage them, like when they're going
out, for example, order the place of event and we
give them this token something and we can remind them
(46:01):
when they becoming agitated, for example, we can just kind
of remind them do you remember you have your necklace,
you have your cross, you have your band, you have
your pin, so you are okay.
Their mind will just switch back.
It's called make the trigger.
(46:23):
And anybody can do that, especially parents.
That conviction from parents or children,
it's very easy to program it.
So you can just tell them, close your eyes.
And now put all your belief that it's safe to
do list things and then you have it with you.
You will be always.
I am with you.
(46:44):
You are protected.
It's a very powerful technique.
Yes.
That's fantastic.
Barb another fantastic tip about how we can encourage our
kids when they leave home and go out in the
streets, go to school to feel safe and to feel
(47:08):
that they can also protect someone else.
They can teach their friends, share a story, a
tip that mom gave or dad or Grandpa.
And we can all be very creative about this.
Just imagine to tell our children that they
have this inner protector and it is always
(47:31):
there to help them in the crisis.
And this Voice in their head is there
to remind them of their favorite nursery rhyme
or their favorite song, or their mother's voice,
or this voice is there to tell them.
Imagine your toy box and your toy box are all your
(47:52):
favorite things and smells and the memories of home and the
memories of the people who gave this to you, who want
you to feel safe everywhere, protected and strong.
And when you encourage their imagination, they can
maybe come up with something even more beautiful.
(48:13):
And you can tell them, okay, you can pick that.
That could be your protector,
inner protector, your inner voice.
And as you mentioned, Barb, they can always wear bracelets
and necklaces or something that is very valuable or old
and that is going to make them feel protected.
(48:35):
We can also tell our kids, okay, you can touch
your finger and thumb and you can feel instant, instant
strength and you can feel that you're strong.
Because when we use our body and mind
at the same time, we are reinforcing.
Or we can tell them, you can hug yourself, you can
(48:59):
hug yourself at school when you feel scared, when kids are
bullying you, you can be creative and tell your kids that
they can always believe that there is an inner protector in
a force that the inner voice to help them.
And sometimes we tell children that they have an
(49:20):
inner cheerleader, which is telling them, praising them how
smart they are, how safe and happy they're feeling,
and that they're beautiful, wonderful, that they deserve all
the happiness in the world, that they are enough.
And also, as you mentioned, Barb, with this sensory
(49:44):
input, it's very interesting how when kids experience trauma,
or anyone who experiences trauma, but for example, we're
talking about the shooting in schools today.
And when kids experience the smell of blood,
they hear the shooting and they also see
(50:08):
something very harmful, they hear something horrible and
they also smell certain smells.
And all these sensory goes into their brain to tell
them that next time when they feel and hear and
smell something like this, the same or similar, they're going
to be triggered in order to turn on the alarm
(50:33):
survival mode and to keep them safe.
And sometimes kids have trauma,
post trauma, family trauma.
They have trauma because they have
encountered some mental health challenges or
developmental disabilities that do affect their
(50:56):
responses and reactions in the crisis.
And the statistics say that over 60% of children
experience traumatic events by the age of 16.
And if they have experienced trauma previously
throughout their life and they never had
received any professional help, they probably have
(51:19):
developed post traumatic stress disorder.
But many traumas, different traumas happen, different
traumatic experiences, not just a single experience.
They can also develop complex PTSD.
And you should be aware of the fact that the
(51:41):
mental health of children is becoming even more complicated.
It's more complicated for them to cope with reality,
to cope with the challenges of the development, and
to learn and to process their emotions.
So kids do need to have different approach
(52:04):
because they're very vulnerable category of people, population.
And as you mentioned, Barb, Hypnotherapy is
excellent way of doing therapy because we
can access their subconscious mind.
And like a sponge, it is absorbing everything,
(52:25):
every emotion, every experience, every feeling, every thought
that we have created in our lives.
When we can access this sponge,
we can access their entire life.
It's amazing how we can find surprising things
(52:46):
about the meanings and interpretations of trauma, of
bullying, anything they have experienced like racial discrimination
or discriminated because of their weight or discriminated
or how they look and also bullied.
(53:10):
And when we can access their subconscious mind, we can
help them work quickly to get the permanent results and
to remove the cause and the root of the issue.
Because in our therapy we both work with
causes, with the root of the problem.
We don't work with symptoms, we don't mask the
(53:31):
symptoms just to help them feel relief short term.
We're trying to help them to
have long term results to recover.
Because when kids are recovering, the parents,
the whole family is recovering, the whole
community, the society, the nation.
And we must start from this small
unit, the nucleus of society, the family.
(53:54):
And even if parents are working too much every day and
trying to meet the needs of their children that are very
specific and unique, they often don't have time to just sit
down and talk for half an hour a day.
And if you could find 30 minutes every day to
(54:15):
talk to your child, to ask them how they feel,
to really give them this feeling of love and connection
and that they belong somewhere they need to belong, you
are going to create long term better mental health for
the entire family, better interaction.
And instead of avoiding each other and letting your
(54:38):
child be isolated in the bedroom and alone, they're
going to even feel more worse because children do
tend to avoid being open to their parents.
They're going to tell about their feelings to
(55:04):
their friends in school, but they will not
be open to their parents because they're afraid
of punishment, they're afraid of being rejected.
And it's very painful.
That's why you need to create this feeling that
you're constantly interesting in their lives, that you're present
(55:26):
there, that you want your child alive.
And so you can feel more connected and more strong when
you are interacting in a loving way, in a warm way.
Okay, Barb, I wanted to ask you what are
(55:48):
the normal reactions during and following a traumatic event?
What is normal?
What can we expect when we hear
about the trauma happened and what should
we consider that it's absolutely normal?
Totally normal will be that child
(56:09):
will be tired after that.
Don't want to speak about that.
But it's about that because they don't know in that
moment how to kind of verbalize it because they are
just overwhelmed that the brain is overwhelmed so it's really
hard for them to verbalize how they feel.
They would express the feeling that they want to be close
(56:33):
to somebody, they would want to be hugged, they will want
to behold so it's important to provide it be with their
present or use cuddle up in the blanket.
Because it's as if not just that feeling of
being close with somebody but also that sensory calming.
So it's why paramedics would always put the blanket over
(56:54):
somebody because it's kind of like create a cocoon.
It's kind of safe space and there can be
natural reactions, of course, crying or be sad.
Also be angry and expressing in there.
You then can be feeling they don't want
(57:15):
to eat because it's just the body.
It's exhausted really.
So don't force them eat.
It's about something sweet and fat.
So even something which you would normally
maybe count as unhealthy, that's just fine.
Because they just need something which will be
(57:35):
comforting and which will give them energy.
Because the body is mine.
Our brain is the organ in the body which
using the most of the sugar we have.
And that if processing so hard, which is during
(57:56):
traumatic events and after, they actually need the sugar.
So even if they're refusing to eat or allow them offer
them or made them eat something sweet and with the fat.
So if it will be hot cocoa or
semolina porridge, something which will make them feel
(58:20):
careful and but it's not hard to digest.
And I think that's a very natural reaction is try to not
go out in for a moment, try to find that safe place.
And if it's in their bedroom, if it's in the
living room, it's wherever it is, it's important to allow
(58:44):
them to find that feeling of the safe and for
sure, come with them, be more present with them.
Very good techniques for it.
It's calling cuddle time and it's about really like be
with a child in hugging them on sofa or in
(59:04):
their bed which allow them to actually calm down physical
body, calm down the mind and they get into that
mode that they can start processing and verbalizing and just
let them encourage them to do so.
And it's actually great to have it
(59:25):
as a daily habit all the time.
Because it's a time when they will feel that
they have this undivided attention, so they can be
more quiet, they can be more angry and outburst.
But important is not to punish them or not
(59:49):
to telling them what's wrong with them or what's
we with them, but say, okay, let's be angry.
Okay, let's be sad.
I'm seeing you, I hearing
you, I acknowledging your feelings.
And when we do that, that face is no
long because it's a grieving process for everybody and
(01:00:09):
for children that grieving of innocence, of their lost,
that innocence of childhood, of carelessness.
So there will be that denial, anger until acceptance
and we need to allow them to do that.
And it's important to realize that they're growing
(01:00:31):
and encourage them to because often also reaction,
it's becoming smaller like kind of start acting
as the younger age start acting smaller.
And because it's that desire to be protected, it's
(01:00:51):
that memory of when I was smaller, I was
protected by parents, I was carried with the baby
carrier and that was great because I was safe.
So it's important to encourage them to realize their age and
really show them how it's amazing that they are that age
(01:01:12):
and how powerful they are in that age and what actually
allowing to be that age, what it means.
So sometimes it's about saying okay.
Sometimes you would even ask them and they would
say that they are smaller or encourage them proudly
say oh, I am seven, I am 30.
(01:01:33):
But sometimes they will say oh, I would like to
be six or I would like to be four.
Because that was I feel safer in that time.
So it's important to realize that these reactions are
that desire to feel safe and find a way
to provide it and realize that they can feel
(01:01:54):
safe just because they are the age they are.
It's no different if it's the right way down.
It's easier not to develop trauma response for
younger children because their brain have a huge
(01:02:16):
neuroplasticity and can adapt very easily.
We allow them to express that emotions.
If we allow them process that and
reconnect with the inner strength, then they
don't have to develop trauma responses.
It's trickier with the teenagers in the way that
(01:02:38):
they often already a disconnect of trust with the
parents to sharing their emotion with the parents and
that expectation, what direction would be like.
I would be told that I am weak.
Or I would be told that I should be brave.
I would be told that I should just suck it up.
(01:02:59):
Or I would be told that they are able
to create, like thousands shoot in their mind.
Why they don't.
But that's actually make it worse.
That deepening that issue.
And they often destroy themselves.
So that is really important to realize
(01:03:23):
that and work on the change. Work on that.
Find that connection and that it's.
Really important about admitting that own feelings because especially
in that age twelve and higher they would see
the parents as they who cope has this strong
(01:03:44):
and they would have feeling that they're failing.
Feeling I should be strong.
As them, I should be so composed as they are.
So on one side be composed and be, let's
say, for them, to some level, it's useful and
it needs to be in that first moment.
(01:04:07):
But then it's actually really important to explain
them that we as adults are also scared.
That being brave and courageous does mean lack of fear.
That it's this willingness to face it and to
allow them to realize that they still have their
(01:04:28):
right to feel scared, that we also feel scared
and that's natural reactions are tiredness, silence, distance this
way of allowing space to process.
(01:04:51):
So give attention, but not too much.
Also like not force child to do something or not force
them to activities they don't want to do because it just
means that they will start shutting out even more.
And parents should also be aware that after
traumatic events children feel a lot of stress
(01:05:14):
and they can be clingy to adults.
They can be very scared to be away from their parents.
They can also feel the anxiety of separation from
their parents and they don't want their parents to
go anywhere without them to go to work.
And many parents do give up their work to stay
(01:05:36):
home and be with their kids, to help them and
take care of them and take care of their needs.
And as you said Barb, there is a scale of grieving
denial to acceptance and it is a process and the time
will not heal the wounds, but the kids will learn, as
(01:06:00):
the adults do that they're just going to accept and live
with it for the rest of their lives.
But as you mentioned, neuroplasticity is
a fantastic science tool that helps
brain to create new neural pathways.
(01:06:21):
And with the power of repetition, the brain can learn
that world can be a happy place, safe place that
kids could grow up and have a happy home and
happy family and they will get married one day, have
(01:06:42):
a great job, they will make their dreams come true.
And when you repeat that to your kids
many many times it will make a song
they learn or something material for school.
Their brain will start to react differently because of
the new neural pathways, new ways of thinking.
And your child will start behaving differently because it expects
(01:07:07):
to find connections, to find friends, to fall in love
one day and to go out and go to university
and find a job because they do eventually need to
grow up and leave their own.
You can't just expect your children to stay
clingy and rely on you as a parent.
(01:07:31):
So repeatedly talking about positive and good lives
and good expectations in future and reinforcing the
idea that this child will always have you
will always have one person that gives you
the feeling of belonging, connection, love, safety, easy.
(01:07:53):
Even if you're just a single parent and even
if your child only has you, if it doesn't
have grandparents or father, if the child has only
one person who really loves them, who's always there
for them, it is enough to help them feel
safe and give them a good foundation for future.
(01:08:18):
Sometimes kids, just like parents or teachers at school after the
shooting happened have the feeling that they didn't have a chance
to say goodbye or they didn't have a chance to tell
them how much they love them and how much they mean
to them and it can be very painful.
(01:08:44):
But there is a way out of this feeling.
You don't have to feel like you are a prisoner
of this feeling for the rest of your life helpless
and feeling so powerless because you will never have disclosure.
With the help of therapy you can go
(01:09:05):
through all five stages of grieving and loss.
You can really have a lot improvement with
the power of rapid transformation therapy and hypnosis
because it's creating really great results.
Sometimes the results are immediate and sometimes you need
(01:09:28):
to wait a certain period of time to see
the first result depending on the issue.
But as you said, barb talk therapy and accessing
the problem from the cognitive perspective is going to
require a lot of session, a lot of time
(01:09:51):
and for immediate health and releasing the anger and
pain and hopelessness and powerlessness and despair.
There is a lot of despair.
The best thing is to access subconscious mind and it's
really safe and you can expect just to be relaxed,
(01:10:14):
incredibly relaxed and feeling that you're going to sleep.
So sometimes people have very strange expectations about
hypnosis of what is going to happen in
therapy session, but therapists have to explain them
what can they expect, manage their expectations and
(01:10:35):
not be scared of this at all.
And do you have some good points that
you would like to share about this?
Yeah, I think that this will be a topic of
(01:10:55):
our next episode because when I will start speaking, we
will probably speak other hour and I think that it's
very important and we will get to it the next
week about that grieving process and how different that grieving
process is after sudden feelings and how it's actually different
(01:11:16):
about grieving the children, which is that hardest part of
it and how different way grieving the children, teenagers and
adults because we all have different ways of processing the
bereavement and also kind of explain, really, the difference between
bereavement, which is the natural process of mourning, and grief
(01:11:39):
when it's stuck in some moment and we need help
to move forward.
So we will get back to it in the next
episode when we spend time on it because I think
that it's a very important topic related to this crisis.
Moments and violent events which affecting the whole community
(01:12:05):
and how to get that closure, how to move
forward in their life, how not get stuck in
that grief and what challenges is and what techniques
we can use to do so.
But I would just want to say the closure of
(01:12:26):
this episode, that it's really important for everybody who working
with the children affected by tragic events or violent events
to realize how hard it is for them to cope.
What they're going through and how their mind
(01:12:51):
can be overwhelmed and how they can switch
to the survival mode so it can affect
their focus and concentration in school.
It can affect their ability to learn
new things and creating the new memories.
It can affect their ability to express and recall.
(01:13:13):
It's really important to acknowledge that and
adapt education to that because more pressure
it just make it more worse.
They will just start feeling that they failing stuff either,
but it's possible to help them to release it.
So we will speak about that next week and
(01:13:37):
in some following episode but also for any therapists,
coaches, teachers or parents interesting to learn how to
work with those who develop complex PTSD which can
be result of events like that.
(01:13:59):
I will running the course in the end of
the June, which is called Complex PTSD for coaches
and therapists, so you can join the course and
get a really deep, deep, comprehensive thought about how
to work and help people to recover from these
(01:14:21):
events, ongoing or single events, and how it's affecting
development and how we can help them.
Because I think that is really important for
everybody to know that it is possible.
It's really important to realize that children doesn't have
to necessarily develop the trauma responses if we give
(01:14:42):
them what they need in that moment that it's
possible to recover and sooner we will start reacting
to triggers or anxiety or change in the sleep
patterns and realizing the connections easier we can help
them and not make them suffer.
(01:15:05):
That having triggers.
It's not excuse, it's a warning.
It's not supposed to be that we supposed to bubble
wrap them or put the cotton balls around them.
It's mean that we need to help them and
we need to help them to process the trauma.
And it's possible with therapies it's possible with different
(01:15:28):
techniques and encouraging them that they are strong, that
they can reconnect with their inner strengths and they
can cope and land a new coping skills.
I want to thank you Lela for being here
with me and about this very important topic and
(01:15:52):
I hope that people will find it helpful.
And if you would want to be
notified about our next episode, please follow.
Or like, I would ask people if like
you please, like, more people will get it.
(01:16:13):
See by search what's working that way and if
somebody like it, that other people will see it
and if you feel that it's most useful and
you learn something from it and we will.
Looking to see you in the next week.
So what will be your closing
words Lela, for today's episode?
(01:16:34):
Well, I would love to say that we
would all need to believe that miracles are
possible, and they're happening every day.
And we probably have some beautiful stories about survival
and how we can help others feel hopeful and
(01:16:57):
feel very excited about their recovery journey.
And we should definitely encourage people to
go to therapy and not judge anybody.
I'm really excited for our next episode because we
will cover many interesting aspects of experiencing trauma.
(01:17:23):
And thank you so much, Barb, for this amazing
opportunity to create, I think, one of the most
important episodes we have created so far.
And I'm very excited for your course and
I know it's going to be phenomenal.
And I would love to mention in the next
episode a little more about this to just give
(01:17:47):
people a little intriguing feeling about what would they
learn and achieve and it's going to be amazing.
Thank you by it.
You're welcome.
So thank you everybody for listening to us.
If you have any questions you can contact us on
website way out of trauma forbeing.com or you can find
(01:18:12):
us on the facebook I'm Barb Smith Varclovaova from Your Steps Counseling
or Danijela Mrdak from Mind Freedom therapy.
So if you want to help or you
have questions, don't hesitate to contact us.
We are happy to help or give advice and
(01:18:33):
topic related to the trauma and childhood trauma especially.
Thank you very much everybody and see you next time.
Bye.
You.
Hello and welcome to the 8th episode
of podcast way out of Childhood Trauma.
I am the Barb Smith Varclova from Your Steps
Counseling founder with the program Trauma Response Reprogramming.
And here with me is the
Danijela Mrdak from Mind Freedom Therapy.
(00:27):
And our today topic is very serious, but we
want to make it almost as kind of like
a mastermind or really info for people, because today's
topic, it's related to the violence witnessed by children.
And we hear it in the news often about
(00:51):
shooting or stabbing in schools or violence in schools
or in an environment where our children and I'm
personally very horrified every time when I hear that.
And it's why we decided to make this
episode on topic how to help children.
So I would want to ask Lela how you see
(01:18):
these moments when children witnessing or are part of the
violence events in their life. I am gald that we do this episode dedicated to children.
(01:39):
It is really very sad to see
how children feel when they experience traumatic
events like terrorism, manmade disasters, war, shootings,
global pandemic or natural disasters.
And they feel affected in a very profound
(02:02):
way because they lose this feeling of safety.
And especially when they experience mass shootings
at school, they lose the feeling that
school is a safe place.
And when they go back home and if they have unstable
home, they also don't find a safe place there.
(02:22):
So children are in a very high risk of potential selfharm,
thinking about suicide or they turn to drugs or high
risk behaviors, depending, of course, on their age.
They respond differently in elementary schools and
(02:44):
adolescents, but they do feel guilt.
They might feel survival guilt because they
have survived certain crisis and their neighbours
or friends or relatives, family members haven't.
So they feel a lot of anxiety, they
have problems with concentrating, problems with sleeping with
(03:06):
nightmares and they startling easily, which is also
a significant symptom that they have experienced trauma.
And sometimes they don't want to
discuss about trauma with their parents.
And on other occasions they're talking to everyone because
(03:27):
they're so frightened and they're trying to find someone
who can give them empathy, compassion and reassure them
that this world can be a safe place again.
So I think that child expressing that reactions to
(03:48):
trauma interfere with their daily lives, their ability to
function and to interact with other people.
In general, the symptoms can develop gradually,
slowly, or the symptoms can be invisible.
That's why many caregivers, parents, grandparents, teachers
(04:10):
need help and we should provide them
with that help or advice.
And I'm very happy that today we
can share some fundamental information about how
to handle the crisis and emergency situations.
And I also love to hear
(04:32):
your opinion about this topic yes.
And that it's very important to go to the
beginning what is actually happening in that event.
And we often speak about trauma, but trauma
itself, it's a reaction on the event.
It's not that even itself what happened to
the child, but how the child process it
(04:55):
how the child or others dealt with that.
And when is there any, for example, violent attack or
mass shooting or any violent attack in school or in other
environment, the child naturally go to the survival mode.
Then the mind will just swap up to the
(05:18):
survival mode and that child will start reacting from
that level of I need to survive.
And it will also be affected on their brain
function that their brain will start warning signals.
Very active.
Amygdala is very active.
All senses to listen, smell, hear everything.
(05:42):
And also we start producing very high level
of cortisol and adrenaline to this fight mode
and run mode and just protective mode.
So when we speaking about trauma, we want to
go even like before that we want to speak
(06:03):
today about what to do to prevent developing trauma
because trauma is the trauma response on event.
But when we take the steps since the event
happened in that first days and first weeks with
children, they don't have to necessarily developing trauma response
because it's about how they as the individuals process
(06:28):
that experience they had and how they learn from
it and how they can move forward.
So they will not get to that disconnection of the
part, they will not get stuck in that event and
that trauma responses doesn't necessarily need to be developed.
So when the trauma response is already developed then we
(06:50):
need to take actions to work with them and we
need to help them to release the trauma.
But it's really important that they
are possible to stop it.
We don't have to necessarily say it would
happen, but it's really important to look on
what is happening in that time.
So when the child or adult, but with child
(07:12):
very extensively facing about that the first emotion which
will come is fear which is natural.
We all will be afraid.
If we'll come fear, then we'll also come anger because
anger is energy which helping us to protect ourselves.
So that will go into that reaction.
(07:35):
If it will be run, hide, froze, scream,
that will go from that reaction of anger.
And if they are processed, if they are
released, if they are expressed, then the child
can see the experience as something which happened
(07:56):
in their life and how they moving forward.
If these emotions are not processed, if
they are stuck, if they are suppressed,
then it start developing that trauma response.
So it's why we're really important these first
moments and first weeks after any crisis, whatever
(08:18):
that type of crisis it is.
Yes.
And it's very interesting how you said
about the meaning that children give to
the crisis and situation they have experienced.
And it's connected to how the brain is
(08:39):
hardwired to respond to emergencies in a very
specific way because this fear response means that
brain is encountering something very traumatic that may
be dangerous, and the brain just disattaches.
(09:00):
The reptilian brain detaches from the emotion and turns
on the strategy to survive the survival mode.
And they feel this flight or fight response.
So the body releases biological molecules that
change things in the body as well.
(09:22):
And they also feel increased heart rate, sweating, hyper
focus and the hyper focus of the intention.
And among the most significant changes several
part of cortex begin to shut down.
The frontal lobe goes first affecting our
(09:44):
functions and the ability to plan, to
judge, to process problems and to verbalize.
So kids cannot process the language.
And when we speak them, when we tell
them give them kind of advice or information
what to do, they don't listen because they
(10:05):
cannot process what we are saying to them.
And when we ask them how do you feel?
Talk to me, what is your name?
Tell me where you are, how old are you? What is today?
Today they have problems to verbalize it because
their body and brain responds immediately to trauma.
(10:26):
So they have problems to
regulate their emotions as well.
And the best way to approach children in this
situation is to look at their eyes, talk softly
and ask them what is your name?
Call them by their name and tell them that now they're
safe, you're the adult, you know ways how to help them
(10:48):
and you can explain them, introduce them away that you're going
to help them where they can go to feel safe and
make them feel that are not alone in the world.
Because they are dependent on adults and when crisis happen,
they have no idea life experience what to do.
(11:10):
And sometimes physically very small
and they cannot escape.
So the feeling that they cannot escape
physically or mentally or emotionally is very
devastating disabilitating and it creates the feeling
that helpless and hopeless and powerless.
(11:31):
So can you Barb tell me something about
how can we help children not to feel
these feelings of helplessness and powerlessness?
How can we first help them and encourage them?
I think that's very important is to acknowledge
(11:53):
that feelings they have and find a way
how we will allow them to express them.
That is very important reaction of
the adults and especially the parents.
Because as same as with the children when
they are afraid and will come anger.
(12:14):
And if the parents they would get scared
for their children then very often will come
also that anger, that anger that wants to
protect them, wants to take care of them.
But it's very important for adults
and parents to work with that.
And they're realizing it, that if they express that
(12:37):
anger, they actually scaring that child even more.
Because the child doesn't understand.
The child will seem that they are angry to him or
her, that they did something wrong, that it's their fault that
they was there or something happened in that moment.
Parents are not that safe place because when they
(12:58):
are angry, they are actually dangerous to their children.
So it's really important to
realize that they are scared.
If they realize that they are scared, they
can connect with that child feeling of scared.
And then both can release it.
And it's what elevating children from that.
(13:20):
If they realize it's okay, it's okay to be scared.
It was terrifying situation.
But now you are safe.
I was also scared.
So I have that power.
I wanted to protect you and I am here for you now.
So it's really important when we are doing in
(13:41):
the first time and children didn't get the chance
to express their emotions, we can actually do it.
And so one of the techniques which parents
or caregivers or even teachers can do with
the children after event like that.
So it's traumatizing and it's to recognize if
(14:02):
the child has that emotion which is expressing.
If they are angry, you can tell
them can I be angry with you?
And express that if they are sad,
can I be sad with you?
And all that really connect with them, acknowledge, allow them to
have that emotion and not trying to tell them oh, it
(14:22):
will be all okay, it will be all fine.
Because it's just me that we
telling them what do you feel? It's not real.
What do you feel? It's not right.
And they will just start suppressing it.
You need to tell them what you feel is right.
Because you feel it, that's okay.
(14:44):
Which is like can I be with you?
It's really working because we can really go down on
that level of that child and connect with them.
And it's actually a very therapeutic also
for that adults who are doing it.
Because of course even adults are affected.
It was happened to the children and
when we started reconnecting with their feelings,
reconnecting with our feelings and we can
(15:06):
release them and realizing that that's happened.
But that was event in the time and
we are not in that moment now.
And also release ourselves from that moment.
So, it's really important to
let them express that emotions.
But also it's very important to give
them comfort and react for their actually
(15:27):
bodily requirements after traumatic events.
Because all that what's happened in their
brain, all hormones created in their body,
all the direction is very tiring.
So they are in the state of shock.
It's really good to give them some
(15:48):
safe place, warm place, warm drinks and
let them rest even for several days.
Just let them not force them to some routine.
Not force them to do something they don't want to.
Because they are exhausted.
They are really very tired because their body
was flushed with very high level of hormones.
(16:10):
And we can compare it to like if you
will go and run the marathon without being trained
to be marathon runner and you will just go
and run the marathon, how exhausted that child is.
And that's also important in that careful realization that
they have the right to be feel weak, Right
(16:32):
to be tired and not start putting any labels on
or you should be stronger or you should be that.
No allow them to actually be children and process it.
They didn't deserve to go through that, they
didn't want it to go through that.
(16:53):
They got to that situation but by not
own choice and we need to give them
chance to actually recover and process it.
So that's important.
What would be your tip, Lela, for parents?
What they could do with the children to help them?
(17:14):
I think one very important aspect after crisis
happens in a community is that parents should
reduce exposure to media and the news about
the disaster because it is traumatizing the children
again. They're reliving the events and the trauma
(17:36):
as if it's happening right now and their
body responds in the same way.
So parents should actually encourage their children to ask
questions about what happened, why it happened and the
parents should explain them what was on the news
and what is the truth and what is not.
(17:58):
And to reduce this exposure because it's harmful.
And very often children suffer through smaller
but equally devastating emergencies like bullying at
school and community violence, racial violence.
And it is very important to acknowledge that kids can
(18:23):
have a lot of trauma and they hide it from
their parents because they don't want to worry their parents.
And parents should also expect that a crisis occurs,
that children may experience the sense of loss, the
sense of loss of security and routine.
(18:46):
So this comes from the sense of permanency.
Give them the belief that they are safe
and good when they have a routine.
But when they lose this it's common that children
just want to be by themselves and they're asking
(19:09):
themselves about the world they knew and the world
that was one safe place but it's not anymore.
So disasters can also increase family conflict,
family violence, arguing and also mental health
problems, substance abuse, alcohol, drugs and parents
(19:30):
should be aware of this.
And even the children who are not directly
impacted by the crisis like school shootings, natural
disasters, terrorism can also be afraid and feel
this fear because of the media exposure.
It's available online, they can
(19:51):
get information very easily.
And parents should work with their children at home, because
if children feel neglected at home, if they feel that
they don't have a voice, that they are not seen
or heard, they're going to be very disappointed.
And they're not going to want to talk to
(20:14):
anyone else outside of the home because they will
think, if my parents don't love me, nobody will help me.
How could I trust anyone else?
Like teachers, caregivers, neighbours or grandparents.
And sometimes kids have problems to verbalize
and explain their experience of trauma.
(20:35):
And depending on their age, if they're
adolescents or elementary school or younger age,
parents can encourage their kids to express
themselves creatively about their trauma.
And sometimes children will disassociate from trauma.
When you tell them to paint the
(20:55):
traumatic event they're going to paint something
beautiful because they're disassociated and they have
created a safe place in their mind.
You can encourage your children to use drawing,
painting, sculpt with clay, depending on their age.
And you can start this exercise with kids by
(21:18):
asking them to write what they feel today, what
they dream last night, and to grow a person
who makes them feel comfortable and safe and create
a conversation about that, about this exercise.
Because kids love to play, they love to be creative
(21:39):
and you can have a chance to speak more openly
with your children and give them even more safety, connection,
love and the emotions that they need in this moment.
And I would love to ask you Barb,
what would you advise parents or caregivers?
(22:03):
How can they take care of themselves better?
To give a better support to their children?
Yes.
And the main thing is that realization of their
own feelings because there are reasons behind them.
Usually the most common feeling it's anger which is caused
(22:25):
by that fear but behind that is that feeling of
helplessness that wasn't there, wasn't able to protect them and
then it's often related to that own feeling of own
capability to cope am I strong enough?
(22:45):
I'm not, I'm not enough, I'm failing.
Because feeling as a failure that wasn't able to
protect children or be in their presence and that
often stem from their own experiences as children.
So that is important for them to realize that
(23:08):
what is reality and same as they would try
or should try to allow children to process what
actually happened for them as an individual, they should
realize what happened for them.
And even, for example, map the day when it's happened.
(23:28):
Like, really in the morning, I woke up,
I have this for breakfast, how it was
actually a very normal day until something happened.
And then what?
That emotions were when they came and realizing that
they wasn't able to do anything, they wasn't there.
(23:49):
It's not their fault.
It's not that they did something wrong.
It's just happened.
And even when we see it as
very of course negative event in life
everything in the universe is actually neutral.
It's just how we react to it so we don't
have to love it, but we can get to that
natural point of view and saying, like, yeah, this happened.
(24:15):
I did my best to support my children.
I was afraid.
I feel like this and I feel like that.
But start realizing that it wasn't something they was
able to influence and taking off that expectation on
themselves what they should do, could do, would do
(24:36):
because they are all just creating that why it
is important is that because when the parents are
not able to process their own emotions, they are
very much projecting these emotions to their children so
then children doesn't feel safe to tell.
Their parents exactly as you said.
(24:56):
They don't want to bother them.
Because when they see that parents are overwhelmed
with these feelings, they don't feel safe to
go to them and speak with them.
But admitting these feelings to children, it's actually
very powerful because when we are admitting to
them that we were scared, they're realizing that
(25:17):
it's all right to be scared.
When we admit that we are angry because
we feel hopeless, they're realizing oh, I also
feel angry because I feel hopeless.
And that's actually right, it's okay feel like that.
So then they can process it.
In the moment when parents staying in
these emotions, they disconnecting from that emotions
(25:39):
from children and they don't feel safe.
Sometimes parent would say oh, my
child coping with that very well.
They are quiet and they are not
speaking about that, it didn't affect them.
So I would just want to warn parents
that if your child not speaking about traumatic
event had happened and seems like oh, that
(26:02):
act like normal, that's not healthy reaction.
It just mean that the
child disconnected from what's happening.
And in that case you would really should
make a conscious effort to make the child
to process it or seek professional help because
(26:23):
that just mean that the child suppress it.
That's just mean that they put it down.
Because even if the child is brave, courageous and it's
deal with that, they would speak about that, they would
say that they feel brave, they would say that they
feel that they cope well and that they are happy
(26:44):
that they survive and stuff like that.
Or they would admit that they was afraid,
but they was brave and went through it.
So if the child not speaking about events, it's
actually very warning sign that the child is dissociating.
But also that is the way the other technique which
(27:05):
I would recommend the parents, which can help them and
to help their children, is ask the children to speak
about what happened from a really their point of view.
Not what was telling on the TV, not even itself.
Like somebody shoot or somebody stabing.
What you did? You went to school or you
(27:26):
went somewhere in the morning and going really almost
minute by minute what's happened and how has happened?
And then show them on their reactions if
they would say, oh, I started running somewhere,
or I hide somewhere, or I frozen.
Show them that it's actually amazing that they
(27:49):
are actually strong, that it's their mind working
amazingly because perfectly as opposed to switch to
the survival mode and keep them alive and
that they are actually strong.
And it's helped them to reconnect
with that feeling of safety.
It's helped them reconnect with that feeling that they
can trust their intuition, that they can trust their
(28:11):
instincts and that they yes, I did survive, I
am strong, I am capable, I am worthy.
And in the same way the parents can do that
and if they feel like paradoxically, trauma is often not
(28:33):
exactly what happened, but the reaction around which happened.
And when we start speaking with children or with adults,
if they get stuck in some trauma response, it's often
it's what they would like to happen so that they
would say nobody was there for me, or I hope
that somebody would came and take me from there.
(28:55):
So that's the question which we can ask children
and let them describe the event which happened and
ask them what they would want to happen, what
they would want to happen instead of what happened.
And often they would not say that they would not
(29:15):
want to happen, that even itself because they very well
are realizing that it's not in their power.
But they would say I would want you to be there, or
I would want to be able to run quicker, or I would
want to come superman to swoosh and take me from there.
(29:35):
And that is technique which allows them to rewrite
the story because you can encourage them and say,
okay, let's make it happen and retell the story
in the new way that that happened, that somebody
was there for them, somebody came for them or
show them that they were strong.
(29:56):
And I'll tell them, oh, you didn't need to
really need that because you was actually so strong,
you managed to do that by yourself.
It's about that we can rewrite, we can say it
a different way, we can rewrite the story, what happened,
because it's all just our interpretation of that experience.
(30:20):
It's not what each of every individual on the earth,
it's a different reality we're living in because we all
see it just from our point of view.
So we can rewrite it, our point of view on
it, so the children can do that and parents or
carers or counselors can do it with the children, allow
(30:40):
them say what they would want happen, how they would.
Want to write that story, how they would write
that story and that's technique which allow them to
be reconnected back with their power, with their feelings.
This is fantastic technique, barb,
(31:01):
thank you for sharing this.
This is amazing.
And I think every parent should be inspired to try
this and use it because they can have instant results.
And one of the things that parents do when they
see that their child is behaving differently after experiencing trauma,
(31:22):
they always say what is wrong with you?
Why do you behave like this?
Why are you not like your
brother or someone from school?
And what is wrong with you?
They insist that something's wrong with the child and the
child feels even more different and even more alone.
And they avoid going places where happens, they
(31:44):
avoid talking about and sharing with parents and
they can go into risk taking behaviors, or
developing eating disorders, using and abusing drugs, or
engage in self harming, self harming behavior.
So a good way of turning this around.
(32:07):
What is wrong with you should be what happened to you.
You should ask yourself what happened to my child?
Because my child has changed, his behavior has changed.
My child is no longer smiling, doesn't have
happiness, doesn't play like it used to.
So I have listened very carefully about when you said
(32:31):
barb that you have mentioned the emotion of anger.
And when people experience something like this, they
don't have power, they don't have control, they're
hopeless and they feel a lot of anger.
You and I therapists know that the
underlying emotion behind this anger is pain.
And it's much easier for everyone in this
(32:53):
terrible situation to feel angry than to feel
pain and talk about the pain.
But the point is that you
shouldn't talk about the pain constantly.
You should do something with it.
Go to therapy, seek for professional help.
And this is very important for parents too.
Because if they feel anxiety and stress and
(33:15):
constant fear, outgoing fear about the safety of
their kids, they should both go to family
therapy and use different techniques like grounding technique.
Because when you tell your child to focus on the
outside world and tell you how many blue colors, how
(33:35):
many blue objects can he name in the room?
Or purple or yellow, then you can ask them
what they smell in the room, what they hear,
what are the signs, sounds in the room.
But also tell them to close their eyes and
take a deep breath and to start feeling the
(33:58):
world around them, the world where it's safe.
They can imagine what is the safe place.
Is it grandma's home for example?
If it's grandma's home.
If it's your home, then you should tell them, imagine
your grandma's home and imagine how many beautiful feelings she
gives you when she prepares your favorite meal.
(34:19):
And this is how you just use this
grounding technique to reduce the anxiety and fear
and help your child feel better immediately.
Because they're not going to be focused
on their thoughts, the chaos, the anxiety.
They will be focused on the outside
world instead of the inside feelings.
(34:40):
And you can help them feel calm and feel more safe.
You can also tell them to remember of the times
when the world was a safe place and that this
world will also give them a safe place and they
will be saved from if another crisis happens.
(35:02):
And you can tell them they do have a guardian
angel and they can use their superpowers of their mind.
You can also introduce some character
like Superman, everybody knows about Superman.
And you can tell them that this character
uses the power of his mind to have
superpowers, to save himself, to save everyone.
(35:23):
And children love characters love
to identify with superpower heroes.
You should be creative.
And if it's difficult for you, you can always
find a good therapist to help you set the
goals and strategies to helping your child.
And I think that it's very important for
(35:45):
community work together because first of all, not
everybody parents will be capable to do so.
Because if the parents dealing with their
own trauma unresolved, even before some crisis,
and they already are living in survival
(36:07):
mode, they can be extremely triggered.
And them itself, they can become triggered for
their children or actually become the additional source
of survival mode for their children.
If they are living in own trauma response
(36:28):
they probably will not be capable to react
to the needs of the children.
So I think that is very important for community
to look out for children of parents like that.
If it's the teachers, if it's the pupil support, if
it's the social workers or if it's the neighbors, if
it's some other member of the family and realizing that
(36:54):
yes, it is responsibility of parents but if their parents
are not fully capable adults in emotional and mental capacity
to help them, there should be some other parents, other
adults which will step in to some level and help
the children to process it.
(37:15):
It's really important not to forgot that children are
everybody, they are our future and we need to
kind of cooperate on raising it up.
But as you mentioned this grounding technique which is
about the connection to our sensors, to our senses,
(37:36):
then it's also important to process this sensory memories
which we have from this crisis moment and that
is often overlooking part you would probably read a
lot of advices which is about recognize the triggers
and try to avoid them.
(37:58):
That's not working.
That's not working because that just mean
that we actually deepening the trauma.
We deepening that feeling of unsafe and we confirm
for the child that all this is unsafe.
(38:18):
Every sound which is related to that,
every smell which is related to that.
So that is the winch, which is
called one which is going exposure therapy.
That's the one option.
So then we can in the small amount start
to expose child to the same environment or smells
or sounds and in the safe environment link this
(38:40):
sensory input with the safe moments.
That's one option and that can be used when they need
to revisit the places of where the crisis happen, when some
attacks happen and stuff like that it shouldn't be forced, it
shouldn't be long way on the first time.
(39:03):
So it's a process of realization that past
and presence are not in the same time.
That place itself, it's not dangerous that what
happened there or a person who was present
there is dangerous that it's on that place.
It's not that sound it's not that smell
(39:26):
or it's actually good to again try encourage
children to identify these memories identify these because
what we are not often realizing that our
mind processing about 2000 inputs every second.
(39:50):
A lot of people would remember from even
it happened, how it smelled, what they taste.
In their mouth.
How if there was a temperature, there was.
The sounds was around more.
(40:10):
We allow children to express that verbally and written
in dramatization or then more is helping them to
process that and separate that from that event and
just realize that that's common thing, this smell of
(40:31):
fish doesn't mean that I'm drowning.
The sound of bum or something doesn't
mean that somebody's shouting or somebody shooting.
So it's important to connect that.
I would again want to stress if your child
(40:53):
actually does develop trauma responses, which is mean, that
will be started with the sounds or will start
showing the signs of the high anxiety and some
noises or smells or touch then it's really important
(41:13):
to seek seek therapy for the child.
But I would really recommend some therapy which
working with subconscious mind or somatic responses as
is Hypnotherapy rd therapy or somatic techniques.
Because in that time it's
already developed traumatic responses.
It mean that the talking therapy
itself would not work itself.
(41:35):
The child didn't manage to verbalize it
before and it gets to that response.
So it need to be dealt with on different level.
But if you actually allow the chart in that
first days and weeks after event to find these
(41:57):
memories and acknowledge them then they are able to
kind of create a memory box.
This is all which belongs to there and they
will stop relating it to the daily life.
So it's kind of like creating the memory box of what
happened which can be even in a way of encouraging of
the photographs on things which can they touch everything.
(42:21):
Which is kind of related to that.
So again, if we are kind of back to
the basics of speak about and what's happened with
their children let them find the words or expression
of that because then their mind is powerful.
Their mind is able to process it.
We just need to encourage it.
We just need to help them to find that way.
(42:41):
And their mind will find where
they might want to be healthy.
Their mind want to be them fully functional.
And being in the survival mode is
very tiring for mind, for body.
So when we give the mind the options how to
release it, then mind will just jump for it.
(43:03):
It's why that?
Grounding technique or debriefing working because in that
way, we can even just tell children.
Just imagine that with every exhale, all that fear
or anxiety or anger going out and you're breathing
out like Dragon the fire or red.
Stem or something, and you just breathe it out.
(43:25):
And Mind would do that because
mind don't want it in body.
Mind want it out because it's very
heavy feeling and children have the great
imagination and all these suggestions.
You have a lie about introduce some
character which can help them, that's great
advice, because they can relate to it.
(43:47):
They can imagine what it's mean to be strong.
They can imagine that it's not needed be all the time.
Because the superheroes are not all the time.
Superman is great example with them because it's kind of
normal guy is it like Clark, just normal guy living
his life and becomes Superman when it's needed.
(44:07):
And the children need to realize the same, that
they are children, they are normal, they are fine,
but they are capable to protect themselves or react
correctly in the moment when it will be needed,
when they would be in some situation like that.
But they don't have to be in that mode all the time.
(44:29):
Also I would recommend one more technique for parents and
it is token of safety I would call it which
could be sound, which could be music or it can
be actually something what the child carry with them.
(44:53):
It's very effective technique for children.
If we will take something, if it's the necklace,
if it's the bracelet, if it's the pin on
their backpack, they can very strongly related to the
subject as the token of that they are protected
(45:17):
and they can create that belief very easily.
Like if I have this I am safe or it can be
lullaby which is synced to them in evening or music box which
they would have that feeling that that parent is there.
And maybe you will do it ten days, and after
(45:37):
that, if you will put it on, your child will
just fall in sleep because they'll feel safe.
So it's also technique, which is really
powerful and they can apply it.
And if we can encourage them, like when they're going
out, for example, order the place of event and we
give them this token something and we can remind them
(46:01):
when they becoming agitated, for example, we can just kind
of remind them do you remember you have your necklace,
you have your cross, you have your band, you have
your pin, so you are okay.
Their mind will just switch back.
It's called make the trigger.
(46:23):
And anybody can do that, especially parents.
That conviction from parents or children,
it's very easy to program it.
So you can just tell them, close your eyes.
And now put all your belief that it's safe to
do list things and then you have it with you.
You will be always.
I am with you.
(46:44):
You are protected.
It's a very powerful technique.
Yes.
That's fantastic.
Barb another fantastic tip about how we can encourage our
kids when they leave home and go out in the
streets, go to school to feel safe and to feel
(47:08):
that they can also protect someone else.
They can teach their friends, share a story, a
tip that mom gave or dad or Grandpa.
And we can all be very creative about this.
Just imagine to tell our children that they
have this inner protector and it is always
(47:31):
there to help them in the crisis.
And this Voice in their head is there
to remind them of their favorite nursery rhyme
or their favorite song, or their mother's voice,
or this voice is there to tell them.
Imagine your toy box and your toy box are all your
(47:52):
favorite things and smells and the memories of home and the
memories of the people who gave this to you, who want
you to feel safe everywhere, protected and strong.
And when you encourage their imagination, they can
maybe come up with something even more beautiful.
(48:13):
And you can tell them, okay, you can pick that.
That could be your protector,
inner protector, your inner voice.
And as you mentioned, Barb, they can always wear bracelets
and necklaces or something that is very valuable or old
and that is going to make them feel protected.
(48:35):
We can also tell our kids, okay, you can touch
your finger and thumb and you can feel instant, instant
strength and you can feel that you're strong.
Because when we use our body and mind
at the same time, we are reinforcing.
Or we can tell them, you can hug yourself, you can
(48:59):
hug yourself at school when you feel scared, when kids are
bullying you, you can be creative and tell your kids that
they can always believe that there is an inner protector in
a force that the inner voice to help them.
And sometimes we tell children that they have an
(49:20):
inner cheerleader, which is telling them, praising them how
smart they are, how safe and happy they're feeling,
and that they're beautiful, wonderful, that they deserve all
the happiness in the world, that they are enough.
And also, as you mentioned, Barb, with this sensory
(49:44):
input, it's very interesting how when kids experience trauma,
or anyone who experiences trauma, but for example, we're
talking about the shooting in schools today.
And when kids experience the smell of blood,
they hear the shooting and they also see
(50:08):
something very harmful, they hear something horrible and
they also smell certain smells.
And all these sensory goes into their brain to tell
them that next time when they feel and hear and
smell something like this, the same or similar, they're going
to be triggered in order to turn on the alarm
(50:33):
survival mode and to keep them safe.
And sometimes kids have trauma,
post trauma, family trauma.
They have trauma because they have
encountered some mental health challenges or
developmental disabilities that do affect their
(50:56):
responses and reactions in the crisis.
And the statistics say that over 60% of children
experience traumatic events by the age of 16.
And if they have experienced trauma previously
throughout their life and they never had
received any professional help, they probably have
(51:19):
developed post traumatic stress disorder.
But many traumas, different traumas happen, different
traumatic experiences, not just a single experience.
They can also develop complex PTSD.
And you should be aware of the fact that the
(51:41):
mental health of children is becoming even more complicated.
It's more complicated for them to cope with reality,
to cope with the challenges of the development, and
to learn and to process their emotions.
So kids do need to have different approach
(52:04):
because they're very vulnerable category of people, population.
And as you mentioned, Barb, Hypnotherapy is
excellent way of doing therapy because we
can access their subconscious mind.
And like a sponge, it is absorbing everything,
(52:25):
every emotion, every experience, every feeling, every thought
that we have created in our lives.
When we can access this sponge,
we can access their entire life.
It's amazing how we can find surprising things
(52:46):
about the meanings and interpretations of trauma, of
bullying, anything they have experienced like racial discrimination
or discriminated because of their weight or discriminated
or how they look and also bullied.
(53:10):
And when we can access their subconscious mind, we can
help them work quickly to get the permanent results and
to remove the cause and the root of the issue.
Because in our therapy we both work with
causes, with the root of the problem.
We don't work with symptoms, we don't mask the
(53:31):
symptoms just to help them feel relief short term.
We're trying to help them to
have long term results to recover.
Because when kids are recovering, the parents,
the whole family is recovering, the whole
community, the society, the nation.
And we must start from this small
unit, the nucleus of society, the family.
(53:54):
And even if parents are working too much every day and
trying to meet the needs of their children that are very
specific and unique, they often don't have time to just sit
down and talk for half an hour a day.
And if you could find 30 minutes every day to
(54:15):
talk to your child, to ask them how they feel,
to really give them this feeling of love and connection
and that they belong somewhere they need to belong, you
are going to create long term better mental health for
the entire family, better interaction.
And instead of avoiding each other and letting your
(54:38):
child be isolated in the bedroom and alone, they're
going to even feel more worse because children do
tend to avoid being open to their parents.
They're going to tell about their feelings to
(55:04):
their friends in school, but they will not
be open to their parents because they're afraid
of punishment, they're afraid of being rejected.
And it's very painful.
That's why you need to create this feeling that
you're constantly interesting in their lives, that you're present
(55:26):
there, that you want your child alive.
And so you can feel more connected and more strong when
you are interacting in a loving way, in a warm way.
Okay, Barb, I wanted to ask you what are
(55:48):
the normal reactions during and following a traumatic event?
What is normal?
What can we expect when we hear
about the trauma happened and what should
we consider that it's absolutely normal?
Totally normal will be that child
(56:09):
will be tired after that.
Don't want to speak about that.
But it's about that because they don't know in that
moment how to kind of verbalize it because they are
just overwhelmed that the brain is overwhelmed so it's really
hard for them to verbalize how they feel.
They would express the feeling that they want to be close
(56:33):
to somebody, they would want to be hugged, they will want
to behold so it's important to provide it be with their
present or use cuddle up in the blanket.
Because it's as if not just that feeling of
being close with somebody but also that sensory calming.
So it's why paramedics would always put the blanket over
(56:54):
somebody because it's kind of like create a cocoon.
It's kind of safe space and there can be
natural reactions, of course, crying or be sad.
Also be angry and expressing in there.
You then can be feeling they don't want
(57:15):
to eat because it's just the body.
It's exhausted really.
So don't force them eat.
It's about something sweet and fat.
So even something which you would normally
maybe count as unhealthy, that's just fine.
Because they just need something which will be
(57:35):
comforting and which will give them energy.
Because the body is mine.
Our brain is the organ in the body which
using the most of the sugar we have.
And that if processing so hard, which is during
(57:56):
traumatic events and after, they actually need the sugar.
So even if they're refusing to eat or allow them offer
them or made them eat something sweet and with the fat.
So if it will be hot cocoa or
semolina porridge, something which will make them feel
(58:20):
careful and but it's not hard to digest.
And I think that's a very natural reaction is try to not
go out in for a moment, try to find that safe place.
And if it's in their bedroom, if it's in the
living room, it's wherever it is, it's important to allow
(58:44):
them to find that feeling of the safe and for
sure, come with them, be more present with them.
Very good techniques for it.
It's calling cuddle time and it's about really like be
with a child in hugging them on sofa or in
(59:04):
their bed which allow them to actually calm down physical
body, calm down the mind and they get into that
mode that they can start processing and verbalizing and just
let them encourage them to do so.
And it's actually great to have it
(59:25):
as a daily habit all the time.
Because it's a time when they will feel that
they have this undivided attention, so they can be
more quiet, they can be more angry and outburst.
But important is not to punish them or not
(59:49):
to telling them what's wrong with them or what's
we with them, but say, okay, let's be angry.
Okay, let's be sad.
I'm seeing you, I hearing
you, I acknowledging your feelings.
And when we do that, that face is no
long because it's a grieving process for everybody and
(01:00:09):
for children that grieving of innocence, of their lost,
that innocence of childhood, of carelessness.
So there will be that denial, anger until acceptance
and we need to allow them to do that.
And it's important to realize that they're growing
(01:00:31):
and encourage them to because often also reaction,
it's becoming smaller like kind of start acting
as the younger age start acting smaller.
And because it's that desire to be protected, it's
(01:00:51):
that memory of when I was smaller, I was
protected by parents, I was carried with the baby
carrier and that was great because I was safe.
So it's important to encourage them to realize their age and
really show them how it's amazing that they are that age
(01:01:12):
and how powerful they are in that age and what actually
allowing to be that age, what it means.
So sometimes it's about saying okay.
Sometimes you would even ask them and they would
say that they are smaller or encourage them proudly
say oh, I am seven, I am 30.
(01:01:33):
But sometimes they will say oh, I would like to
be six or I would like to be four.
Because that was I feel safer in that time.
So it's important to realize that these reactions are
that desire to feel safe and find a way
to provide it and realize that they can feel
(01:01:54):
safe just because they are the age they are.
It's no different if it's the right way down.
It's easier not to develop trauma response for
younger children because their brain have a huge
(01:02:16):
neuroplasticity and can adapt very easily.
We allow them to express that emotions.
If we allow them process that and
reconnect with the inner strength, then they
don't have to develop trauma responses.
It's trickier with the teenagers in the way that
(01:02:38):
they often already a disconnect of trust with the
parents to sharing their emotion with the parents and
that expectation, what direction would be like.
I would be told that I am weak.
Or I would be told that I should be brave.
I would be told that I should just suck it up.
(01:02:59):
Or I would be told that they are able
to create, like thousands shoot in their mind.
Why they don't.
But that's actually make it worse.
That deepening that issue.
And they often destroy themselves.
So that is really important to realize
(01:03:23):
that and work on the change. Work on that.
Find that connection and that it's.
Really important about admitting that own feelings because especially
in that age twelve and higher they would see
the parents as they who cope has this strong
(01:03:44):
and they would have feeling that they're failing.
Feeling I should be strong.
As them, I should be so composed as they are.
So on one side be composed and be, let's
say, for them, to some level, it's useful and
it needs to be in that first moment.
(01:04:07):
But then it's actually really important to explain
them that we as adults are also scared.
That being brave and courageous does mean lack of fear.
That it's this willingness to face it and to
allow them to realize that they still have their
(01:04:28):
right to feel scared, that we also feel scared
and that's natural reactions are tiredness, silence, distance this
way of allowing space to process.
(01:04:51):
So give attention, but not too much.
Also like not force child to do something or not force
them to activities they don't want to do because it just
means that they will start shutting out even more.
And parents should also be aware that after
traumatic events children feel a lot of stress
(01:05:14):
and they can be clingy to adults.
They can be very scared to be away from their parents.
They can also feel the anxiety of separation from
their parents and they don't want their parents to
go anywhere without them to go to work.
And many parents do give up their work to stay
(01:05:36):
home and be with their kids, to help them and
take care of them and take care of their needs.
And as you said Barb, there is a scale of grieving
denial to acceptance and it is a process and the time
will not heal the wounds, but the kids will learn, as
(01:06:00):
the adults do that they're just going to accept and live
with it for the rest of their lives.
But as you mentioned, neuroplasticity is
a fantastic science tool that helps
brain to create new neural pathways.
(01:06:21):
And with the power of repetition, the brain can learn
that world can be a happy place, safe place that
kids could grow up and have a happy home and
happy family and they will get married one day, have
(01:06:42):
a great job, they will make their dreams come true.
And when you repeat that to your kids
many many times it will make a song
they learn or something material for school.
Their brain will start to react differently because of
the new neural pathways, new ways of thinking.
And your child will start behaving differently because it expects
(01:07:07):
to find connections, to find friends, to fall in love
one day and to go out and go to university
and find a job because they do eventually need to
grow up and leave their own.
You can't just expect your children to stay
clingy and rely on you as a parent.
(01:07:31):
So repeatedly talking about positive and good lives
and good expectations in future and reinforcing the
idea that this child will always have you
will always have one person that gives you
the feeling of belonging, connection, love, safety, easy.
(01:07:53):
Even if you're just a single parent and even
if your child only has you, if it doesn't
have grandparents or father, if the child has only
one person who really loves them, who's always there
for them, it is enough to help them feel
safe and give them a good foundation for future.
(01:08:18):
Sometimes kids, just like parents or teachers at school after the
shooting happened have the feeling that they didn't have a chance
to say goodbye or they didn't have a chance to tell
them how much they love them and how much they mean
to them and it can be very painful.
(01:08:44):
But there is a way out of this feeling.
You don't have to feel like you are a prisoner
of this feeling for the rest of your life helpless
and feeling so powerless because you will never have disclosure.
With the help of therapy you can go
(01:09:05):
through all five stages of grieving and loss.
You can really have a lot improvement with
the power of rapid transformation therapy and hypnosis
because it's creating really great results.
Sometimes the results are immediate and sometimes you need
(01:09:28):
to wait a certain period of time to see
the first result depending on the issue.
But as you said, barb talk therapy and accessing
the problem from the cognitive perspective is going to
require a lot of session, a lot of time
(01:09:51):
and for immediate health and releasing the anger and
pain and hopelessness and powerlessness and despair.
There is a lot of despair.
The best thing is to access subconscious mind and it's
really safe and you can expect just to be relaxed,
(01:10:14):
incredibly relaxed and feeling that you're going to sleep.
So sometimes people have very strange expectations about
hypnosis of what is going to happen in
therapy session, but therapists have to explain them
what can they expect, manage their expectations and
(01:10:35):
not be scared of this at all.
And do you have some good points that
you would like to share about this?
Yeah, I think that this will be a topic of
(01:10:55):
our next episode because when I will start speaking, we
will probably speak other hour and I think that it's
very important and we will get to it the next
week about that grieving process and how different that grieving
process is after sudden feelings and how it's actually different
(01:11:16):
about grieving the children, which is that hardest part of
it and how different way grieving the children, teenagers and
adults because we all have different ways of processing the
bereavement and also kind of explain, really, the difference between
bereavement, which is the natural process of mourning, and grief
(01:11:39):
when it's stuck in some moment and we need help
to move forward.
So we will get back to it in the next
episode when we spend time on it because I think
that it's a very important topic related to this crisis.
Moments and violent events which affecting the whole community
(01:12:05):
and how to get that closure, how to move
forward in their life, how not get stuck in
that grief and what challenges is and what techniques
we can use to do so.
But I would just want to say the closure of
(01:12:26):
this episode, that it's really important for everybody who working
with the children affected by tragic events or violent events
to realize how hard it is for them to cope.
What they're going through and how their mind
(01:12:51):
can be overwhelmed and how they can switch
to the survival mode so it can affect
their focus and concentration in school.
It can affect their ability to learn
new things and creating the new memories.
It can affect their ability to express and recall.
(01:13:13):
It's really important to acknowledge that and
adapt education to that because more pressure
it just make it more worse.
They will just start feeling that they failing stuff either,
but it's possible to help them to release it.
So we will speak about that next week and
(01:13:37):
in some following episode but also for any therapists,
coaches, teachers or parents interesting to learn how to
work with those who develop complex PTSD which can
be result of events like that.
(01:13:59):
I will running the course in the end of
the June, which is called Complex PTSD for coaches
and therapists, so you can join the course and
get a really deep, deep, comprehensive thought about how
to work and help people to recover from these
(01:14:21):
events, ongoing or single events, and how it's affecting
development and how we can help them.
Because I think that is really important for
everybody to know that it is possible.
It's really important to realize that children doesn't have
to necessarily develop the trauma responses if we give
(01:14:42):
them what they need in that moment that it's
possible to recover and sooner we will start reacting
to triggers or anxiety or change in the sleep
patterns and realizing the connections easier we can help
them and not make them suffer.
(01:15:05):
That having triggers.
It's not excuse, it's a warning.
It's not supposed to be that we supposed to bubble
wrap them or put the cotton balls around them.
It's mean that we need to help them and
we need to help them to process the trauma.
And it's possible with therapies it's possible with different
(01:15:28):
techniques and encouraging them that they are strong, that
they can reconnect with their inner strengths and they
can cope and land a new coping skills.
I want to thank you Lela for being here
with me and about this very important topic and
(01:15:52):
I hope that people will find it helpful.
And if you would want to be
notified about our next episode, please follow.
Or like, I would ask people if like
you please, like, more people will get it.
(01:16:13):
See by search what's working that way and if
somebody like it, that other people will see it
and if you feel that it's most useful and
you learn something from it and we will.
Looking to see you in the next week.
So what will be your closing
words Lela, for today's episode?
(01:16:34):
Well, I would love to say that we
would all need to believe that miracles are
possible, and they're happening every day.
And we probably have some beautiful stories about survival
and how we can help others feel hopeful and
(01:16:57):
feel very excited about their recovery journey.
And we should definitely encourage people to
go to therapy and not judge anybody.
I'm really excited for our next episode because we
will cover many interesting aspects of experiencing trauma.
(01:17:23):
And thank you so much, Barb, for this amazing
opportunity to create, I think, one of the most
important episodes we have created so far.
And I'm very excited for your course and
I know it's going to be phenomenal.
And I would love to mention in the next
episode a little more about this to just give
(01:17:47):
people a little intriguing feeling about what would they
learn and achieve and it's going to be amazing.
Thank you by it.
You're welcome.
So thank you everybody for listening to us.
If you have any questions you can contact us on
website way out of trauma forbeing.com or you can find
(01:18:12):
us on the facebook I'm Barb Smith Varclovaova from Your Steps Counseling
or Danijela Mrdak from Mind Freedom therapy.
So if you want to help or you
have questions, don't hesitate to contact us.
We are happy to help or give advice and
(01:18:33):
topic related to the trauma and childhood trauma especially.
Thank you very much everybody and see you next time.
Bye.
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