“A lot of what our girls are experiencing today feels straight out of ‘Mean Girls,’” says Abby Gagerman, licensed social worker with her own private psychotherapy practice. Abby joins host Leslie Randolph to talk about the phenomenon of being “dropped” from friend groups. Social media, technology and the lingering effects of the Covid-19 lockdown have merely exacerbated the age-old phenomenon whereby middle schoolers form cliques which inevitably leave certain kids out. Too often, says Abby, moms of tweens and teens try to socially engineer their children’s friend groups—often to exorcise their own childhood trauma--and instill in their teens the belief that their own comfort should be sacrificed for other people—including people who aren’t good for them.
On this episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us?, Abby will explain how you can prepare yourself for this tricky time in your teen’s life, and teach them resilience and self-regulation. She’ll explain the very specific language that will help you to validate your teen, listen to their feelings and stop placing your own comfort at the center of their decision-making. You’ll learn how to stop controlling and teach your teen to make values-based decisions so that they can attract quality people into their lives.
For many people, middle school is the worst time of their lives, but with Abby’s help, you can maximize this time of learning to help your teen develop a healthy value system that will carry them forward on their journey.
Quotes
- “Our job is not to control them; our job is to teach them.” (9:17 | Abby Gagerman)
- “So, the dropping—the problem isn’t the dropping itself. The problem is how we got there, but the phenomenon is here to stay. So, the question becomes, ‘What do we as mothers do about it?’” (20:53 | Abby Gagerman)
- “Rules are an articulation of our expectations which are an articulation of our values. So, if we’re making rules out of our own discomfort, then what are we saying we’re valuing? ‘My comfort is more important than yours.’ What is comfortable for me is more important than you being authentic and figuring out your life. So, I’ll say to a parent, ‘It’s OK to set a limit on your kid if you don’t want them sleeping at somebody’s house. Of course, you’re the parent. If there’s something about it that you don’t like, it’s OK to set that limit. Don’t use the language, ‘It makes me uncomfortable.’” (23:00 | Abby Gagerman)
- “Our job isn’t to fix their social life. Our life is to teach them how to manage their emotions and how to manage their emotions and how to act in line with their values.That is our job. So, in that moment we need to do this: we need to help our child regulate. We need to help them see that just because you were rejected doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live, or you don’t deserve happiness or you’re not worthy.” (27:59 | Abby Gagerman)
- “Accept the lack of control you have over the situation. You can’t control your kid.” (41:21 | Abby Gagerman)
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