February 25, 2025 • 27 mins
One of the biggest things I used to overthink the most was my past: ways I messed up, people I let down, things I wished I handled differently. And I know I'm not alone in this.
In this episode, I'm sharing the three biggest perspective shifts I've made in order to make peace with my past. I also explain how my relationship with God has truly allowed me to do that.
If you're feeling lots of shame over your past, you are not alone & this episode is for you :)
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
We are all wrestling with something.
Whether you're wrestling with your selfimage, your faith in God, or your entire
life's purpose, I'm here to tell you thatnumber one, you are not alone, and number
two, to encourage you to find both beautyand purpose in the midst of your struggle.
My name is Emled and this isthe Wrestling With Life podcast.
(00:25):
What's up beautiful people and welcomeback to the Wrestling With Life podcast.
I am your host Emled, as always.
Thank you so much for tuninginto our fourth episode in
this series on overthinking.
And today we're talking aboutoverthinking the past, how to forgive
yourself and actually move forward.
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How many of y'all Have just spentdays, weeks, maybe even months of
your life ruminating on the past,something you literally can't change.
In that shame spiral, beating yourselfup, overthinking, overcomplicating,
overanalyzing everything, andjust completely feeling stuck,
completely feeling like, Idon't know how to move forward.
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I don't know how to get out of my own way.
I'm so sick of thinking of the past.
If that is the case, hi, I have beenthere, you're not alone, and this episode
is 100 percent for you if that's the case.
I just wanted to say real quick beforewe dive into the content, before I really
started this whole series on overthinkingy'all, I was being very conscious of how
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much am I bringing God into the equationof these conversations because I very much
know what it's like to be in that space ofyour faith where you're questioning God,
questioning Jesus, questioning faith, notreally knowing where you stand, if you
believe, to what extent do you believe.
And the last thing that I want to dois sit here and shove faith down your
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throat and be like, trust God, justtrust God, it's all going to work out
and completely oversimplify somethingthat We all know feels so complex
and feels so scary and it's not aseasy as, hey, just stop overthinking.
Hey, just turn your mind off.
Like, we all know it'snot that easy, right?
I've been trying not to shove it downy'all's throats, but I'm finding it
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difficult to know where that line isbecause, for me at least, The more
that I have grown in my relationshipwith God, understanding his character,
understanding the way that his loveworks, the way that his forgiveness
works, that has actually given me themost freedom and the most peace of
mind that I've ever felt from the past.
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In understanding the way that God lovesme, in understanding his forgiveness,
that's the only thing that has reallyhelped me to let go and to make
peace with things and to move on.
You know I was in the self helpworld for forever, reading all
the books, the podcasts, listeningto the seminars, whatever.
And there's a bunch of tools out therethat talk about this kind of stuff, like
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forgiving yourself, making peace withthe past, not being hard on yourself.
I've tried.
almost all of those methods.
And there's a lot of reallygood tools from that space.
But truly, the reason that I wantto bring God into this overthinking
conversation at all is because I havenot successfully been able to get out
of my own head and out of my own waywithout God being the center of my life.
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And I don't want that to overwhelm you.
If you're not in that space, I don't wantthat to scare you from continuing to tune
into this podcast or this series, becausethere is still so much wisdom that you
can still pull from and that you canstill apply to your life, even if you're
not sure where God fits into the picture.
And I also want to say to I get thatit can be irritating to hear about
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God when he feels really far away.
I get that it can feel honestly rich andyou're like, yeah, okay, I'm glad when
that just doesn't resonate with you.
And I just want to make space forthat and acknowledge that that's okay.
Like that's cool.
You don't know where you stand with God.
I've been there.
I've done that.
And I'm, I know I'm going to bein a season of my life in the
future where I feel that way again,because life is, is so not linear.
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It's so up and down.
And certain seasons of life make it harderto trust in God's plan, make it harder
to have peace with your past, right?
So I just wanted to say thatbefore we really get into the
content, but yeah, let's talk aboutoverthinking the past, all right?
What I'd like to do today is startout with a verse that I really think
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roots us in Kind of the mindset thatI think we need to go into thinking
about our past to move forward from it.
We're going to talk about shameversus guilt and how that distinction
is really important when it comesto making peace for our past.
And then I have three steps, threeperspective shifts that I want you to
make in order to move on from the past.
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Forgive yourself, accept God'sforgiveness, accept forgiveness
from others, and move forward.
Okay?
Does that sound like a plan?
Let's frickin get into it, y'all.
So the verse that I want tostart out with is Romans 8, 28.
And it says, All things work togetherfor good to those who love God.
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And this verse has kind of beencoming up repetitively for me.
over like the last six months or so.
About six months ago, I startedwatching the show Manifest.
Have y'all seen that show, Manifest?
It's on Netflix, and it'sabout this crew of people on a
passenger plane who disappear.
No one knows what happens to the plane.
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And then five yearslater, this plane lands.
And everyone on board has norecollection of five years passing,
and they haven't aged a day.
Basically, the plane was lost inspace and time for five years, and
no one knows, like, what happened.
And then these people on theplane basically get superpowers.
They start having visions.
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There's a lot of spiritual stuffhappening, and basically, like, they
are seeing visions to prevent bad thingsfrom happening, and then they're called
to some sort of action to, to help outor Change how the future plays out, etc.
And anyways, this verse, Romans8, 28, is actually woven all
through this Netflix show.
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It keeps coming up.
And the, the flight thatwent missing was flight 828.
Then the numbers 828 keepcoming up all through the show.
And basically the, the conclusion thatthe characters in the show make is that,
wait, all of this crazy stuff that wedon't understand why it's happening, all
of it is working together for our good.
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And they start believing that there'sa higher power or God or something
that is orchestrating all of this tohelp them reach some sort of end goal.
I find this to be very interestingbecause I think a lot of us, when
something bad happens, and we don'tunderstand why it's happening.
Our gut reaction is to just thinkthis sucks, why am I suffering,
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let me eliminate this pain, let mejust like get through this cringy
moment, let me do whatever I can tojust get past this moment in time.
There's not really a mindset oflike this bad thing that's happening
right now could actually ultimatelyend up working out for my good.
Do you know what I'm saying?
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So I think when it comes to our past,a really big issue that we have is
we look at whatever happened andwe only see the downsides of it.
We only see the negative.
We only see our shame.
We only see what we're embarrassed about.
And when we're reflecting on it, Thisfeeling of shame comes because we don't
always identify with who we were whenwe made the decision that we made.
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You don't oftentimes feel shamein the moment when you make a bad
choice or say something you regretor whatever it is that you're,
you're beating yourself up over.
That shame only comes later after you'vereflected back on it, and you're seeing
yourself in a negative light, and you'remaking this mean something about you.
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And so what I want to challenge ustoday is I want to take us through
three different steps, which arereally like perspective shifts.
I guess is what we'll call them.
Three different perspective shifts thatI want us to make when we are looking
back at our past to change the lens thatwe're seeing everything through, okay?
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And before I do that, I want to talka little bit about shame versus guilt.
We've talked in this seriesabout how Satan wants us Satan
wants us beating ourselves up.
Satan wants us in this shame spiralwhere our self esteem is low, we're
beating ourselves up, we're hidingfrom other people, we're hiding
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our mistakes, we're hiding ourpain, we're isolating ourselves.
That's what he wants, right?
But shame doesn't start out as shame,like I just said, it starts out as guilt.
And there's a huge differencebetween shame and guilt, okay?
Guilt is, I did something bad.
Whereas shame is, I am bad becauseof these things that I did.
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So it's internalizing the guiltand making it a part of you,
making it mean something about you.
And that's exactly what Satan wants.
And I want to remind you that Goddoes not want us to sit in our shame.
Yes, God wants us to be convictedwhen we're doing things that are
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harming us or other people for sure.
That's why these emotions exist.
Emotions are cues to let us know thedirection that we should move, to let us
know what our minds and our hearts need.
That is what our emotions exist for.
They're like a compass, you know.
But never did God want us tointernalize either negative or
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positive emotions as our identity.
Okay?
He doesn't want our identity to berooted in our actions and the past.
He wants us to root our identity in him.
We make our identity about us.
He wants us to makeour identity about him.
If we make these choices meansomething about us, they all have the
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potential to make us feel very, verydeep shame, to hurt our self esteem.
to cut us off fromforgiveness for ourselves.
Maybe we can't even accept forgivenessfrom others and certainly not from God.
So anytime I am beating myself up aboutthe past and I am just in my head,
maybe I'm at, I'm up at 3 a. m. I'mlaying in anxiety and I just like can't
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get out of my own way with something.
These are the three thingsthat I remind myself, okay?
Number one, you are doingthe best that you could.
with the information, skills, reality,and emotions that you had at the time.
I'm gonna need you to say itlouder for the people in the back.
You were doing the best that you could.
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with the info, skills, reality, andemotions that you had at the time?
Who is actively trying toself sabotage their life?
Okay, a lot of times when we makechoices or we act, we are doing
what we feel is best in the moment.
Think about how powerful emotions are.
Yes, we can do our work to notmake choices or big decisions
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in the heat of the moment.
And I think a lot of us haveheard advice about, okay, take a
second to collect yourself, right?
Collect yourself and then respond.
Like, we've all heard that kind of advice,but if we're being really honest, how
many of us actually successfully do that?
I know I have spoken out of anger.
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I've spoken out of hurt.
I've spoken out of.
You know, just low confidence even,and I have had regret in those moments
because I spoke out of emotion.
Happens all the time.
And hindsight is so 20 20.
That's what I, I really want us toremember is that hindsight is so 20 20.
It's so easy to be far removed from asituation and think, wow, this is how
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I would have handled that differently.
This is how I wouldhave acted differently.
The shame only exists when you'rereflecting on that past version of
yourself and you realize that youare not that person anymore or that
that was not a reflection of who youare, that that wasn't your character.
And you're also not givingyourself any grace in that moment.
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You're not considering, okay, whatinformation did I have at that time?
Maybe I was misinformed.
What emotions did I have at that time?
Maybe I was really hot, reallyangry, and I couldn't see clearly.
What about the skillsthat you had at the time?
What if this was years in thepast, and you have learned so many
types of new coping skills, evenin your relationship with God?
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Maybe you've learned how to, how topray, how to go to Him for comfort.
And then your reality, like whatwas your reality at the time?
Who were you?
What was going on?
What were other factors atplay that explain why you
reacted the way that you did?
When we start thinking about all ofthose things and how they impacted
what we said, what we did, the choicewe made, it's a lot easier to give
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yourself grace because you're trying toempathize and understand your past self.
Yes, you know better now, but thatdoesn't mean you knew better then, right?
Yeah, you know better now, of courseyou know better now, we're growing,
we're evolving, we're changing allthe time, but that doesn't mean
you knew better then, you know?
You're human and emotions, situations,information, skills, reality,
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they're powerful and they haveweight in why we do what we do.
And this whole step, okay,this is not to excuse.
behavior that we've done thatwas really hurtful or harmful or
where we really did mess up, okay?
It's just to understand why we didwhat we did, why we said what we
said, why we chose what we chose.
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And the more that you can empathize withthat person who you were in the past,
even if this is like a week ago, okay?
We're, all of us are changing constantly,so even if this is a mistake you made a
week ago, You're still not that person.
You're still not in that situation.
So you really need to separateyour identity from your choices,
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from your words, from your actions.
Now, if this is repetitive, if thisis an action, choice, from your You
know, words that you are speaking.
If this is something that'shappening all the time, maybe it
is reflective of your character.
But I would bet if you're in a shamespiral and you're stuck about something
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that you did in the past, I wouldventure to guess it's really bugging
you because it's not in your character.
Because you're like, oh, that's not me.
That's not me at all.
So that's what I really encourageyou to do is to separate that old
version of you from you now and tocover yourself with some grace, okay?
So that's number one.
You were doing the best that you couldwith the information, skills, reality,
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and emotions that you had at the time.
That's the perspective shift Ireally need us to start with.
Give ourselves some grace, okay?
Number two.
You cannot change the past.
What is done cannot be undone.
Obviously, we all know this, right?
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I'm not, I'm not telling youanything you haven't already heard.
But how often do we spend all thistime in our head replaying scenarios
differently than they actually happen?
Oh, if I could go back to thisargument and just say this.
Oh, if I could go backand just take back that.
If I would have just spoke up here.
If, if, if, if, if it's hypotheticaland you will never, ever, ever have
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the opportunity to actually do that.
And I think a lot of us focuson this because we realize we're
completely out of control now.
We don't have any control overhow that situation played out.
And again, we all know wehate not being in control.
We hate not being in control.
So here, I want you to shift your mindfrom trying to change the past to looking
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at the What, what are the actions inmy present that I can make to make
the situation as best as it can be?
What can I control?
What can I change?
How can I fix this in my currentreality to make as much peace
as possible with the situation?
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Should I apologize to someone?
Is there an apology I need to give?
Do I need to have a conversation?
Do I need to tell some someonethat, Hey, I'm really sorry
for what I said, what I did.
I was not in the right headspace.
It was the heat of emotion.
I wanted to come to youand just say that to you.
Do you need to right your wrong?
Do you need to Maybeyou stole from someone.
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Do you need to give themwhat you stole back?
What is it that you did?
What is it that you did to hurtthis person or a group of people?
What do you need to doto clean up your mess?
And as long as you have controlled everycontrollable that there is, you've thought
about this situation, you know what actionyou need to take to make peace with what
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happened, then that is all you can do.
The only thing left to do after thatis to make peace with what happened
and try to move forward, okay?
You cannot change the past.
That's number two.
And then number three, this is my favoriteone and this is what has honestly pushed
the needle the most for me in movingforward and making peace with my past.
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You have to find a way.
to see the beauty in what happened.
This goes back to Romans 8 28.
All things work togetherfor those who love God.
How did you learn?
How did you grow?
How could this thing that feels sobad and cringy and embarrassing or
whatever in the moment, how couldthat actually be a good thing?
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How could that be an amazing thing?
that actually helps youto be a better person?
How could this actually help you to havea better relationship with someone else?
To have a new opportunity?
What if the fallout of all of thisactually brings you closer to the
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person that God wants you to be?
When we're looking at bad things throughthis lens, we're looking for the silver
lining, the beauty, the opportunity,the growth, the goodness, the joy.
We can find it.
The difference is we don't choose that.
We don't choose that perspective.
We look for the embarrassment.
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We look for the cringe.
We look for how otherpeople must be seeing us.
Oh, because I did this,now I can't have that.
Or now I don't have this person.
We look for all of the negative.
And so, of course, if you'reOnly looking for the negative.
That's all you're going to find.
It is a conscious choice tolook at whatever mistakes.
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Whatever failures, whatever timesthat you've hurt other people, or
dumb choices that you've made, anytimethat you settled or allowed or stayed,
what did that experience give you?
What did it teach you?
How did it form you?
How did it push you closer to God?
How did it make you more loving?
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How did it show you whatyou don't want to be?
Like, if you truly look at everyexperience that you've ever had in
your life, You can find that it ispushing you in a good direction, and
I, I can say that with full confidencefrom my own experience, y'all.
Let me keep it so forreal with y'all, okay?
Over the holidays, I went on a tripwith my family, my immediate family.
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And that trip was an amazing,wonderful trip, but y'all
know how it is with family.
All of us love each other very much,but we were on top of each other for
an entire week and eventually by theend of the trip, tensions boiled,
there was, it was, it was horrible.
It was excruciating at the time andhow we left the trip is some of us
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weren't on speaking terms and someof us didn't know the way forward.
We didn't know what our relationshipwas going to look like going forward.
Like it got spicy, okay?
And I sat in anxiety about itfor probably a month, not really
knowing what was going to happen.
And it took us a while to resolvethings, but when we finally Cooled
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off, we took time to process whathappened and we really thought
about what, what mattered and howcould, how could we learn from this?
How could we see thebeauty in this situation?
Like, even though there werehurtful things said, even though
a lot of stuff got stirred up fromthe past, even though we clashed.
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How could we actually choose love andchoose to hear each other and choose
to understand each other through it?
And there was a, there was a longperiod of time in those couple weeks
that I was beating myself up becauseI was thinking about how I could
have acted differently, how I couldhave carried myself differently,
how I could have been more patient,how I could have been more loving.
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I was really beaten up on myselfand I was in a lot of shame.
And then recently, We had a conversationand it actually brought us closer.
It actually allowed us to saya lot of things that had been
left unsaid for a long time.
It allowed us to eliminate a lotof tension that had already been
existing before this even happened.
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And ultimately it just allowedus to understand each other
better and bring us closer.
And y'all, I'm looking back at thatsituation now, and I'm so grateful
that it happened because I can seehow God is redeeming that situation
and allowing it to heal my family.
My family has avoided conflict in manyways for a long time, and this just showed
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us that conflict can actually bring uscloser if we choose to let it, if we
choose to view it in a certain way, if wechoose to try to understand each other,
to put our pride aside and choose love.
And that's a lesson God has beenteaching me all year, literally
all year for like six months now.
So, truly guys, I just want toencourage you that if you can find a
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way to see the beauty in any situationof what happened, you will find it.
How did you learn?
How did you grow?
Could this event happeningactually be a good thing?
I just want to leave youwith this charge today, okay?
Instead of sitting in an overthinkingspiral, beating yourself up,
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sitting in shame, could you possiblyjust take full responsibility
of your part in whatever it is?
Do whatever you can.
to make the situation right.
Forgive yourself for howyou acted at that moment.
Try to empathize with the personthat you were in that moment
and why you did what you did.
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And then make the conscious choice to bechanged for the better by what happened.
To see the good in it.
To see, okay, I can take this awayfrom this bad thing happening.
I can see the good in it.
Guys, all of this is a conscious decision.
And I think the underlying belief ofall of it, how it's all rooted in the
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Lord, is that we believe everything goodand bad, all of our pain, all of our
suffering, all of the hard times, isfor a greater purpose that is ultimately
for our good, like Romans 8, 28 said.
And again, if you don't know whereyou stand with God, that's okay.
This concept can still be appliedto your life, even if you don't
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know where God fits in the picture.
You can still choose to believethat everything can be used for your
good if you choose the perspective.
You don't have to have God be a partof the equation to see it like that.
For me personally, Him being a partof the equation gives me way more
peace than I would have on my own.
Because I really fully understandthe sacrifice that Jesus
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made by dying on the cross.
Because of him, I'm forgiven.
Because of him, I don'thave to be perfect.
There's no pressure to have handledthings perfectly in the past.
There's no pressure to handlethings perfectly in the future.
He knows I'm never goingto get it fully right.
He knows I'm going to do my best to growand try to be better than I was yesterday,
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but he knows I'm going to miss that.
that mark of perfection.
I'm not going to reach it.
You're not going to reach it.
And he knows that.
And he loves me anyway.
He paid the penalty for me anyway.
You know, and that unconditional loveand fully wrapping my head around that,
that's truly where my piece comes from.
Because it's really, it's kind ofdepressing, like, without him part
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of the equation, thinking that,okay, it's all on me to continuously
be better, like, at what point isperfection then the expectation?
Because it's like, okay, well,I've been at this for 80 some
years and I'm still messing up.
Like, when am I finallygonna get it right?
Knowing the truth that I'm nevergoing to and that God knew that and
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he paid the price for that anyway.
That's kind of what's amazing, you know,and that's what truly gives me peace.
And I hope that anyone listening,that gives you some comfort too.
All right guys, that is all Ihave on overthinking the past.
I really hope that it gives yousome encouragement and helps
you feel ready to move forward.
Have a fantastic week.
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I'm sure there will be more episodeson overthinking coming soon.
I'm also getting ready to start recordingseason three with a particular guest host.
So stay on the lookout for that.
Don't know the details about timing.
Don't know when it's going to be recordedor posted, but just know that it's coming.
And yeah, we have some, somecollaborative episodes coming
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up for y'all to look forward to.
Thanks so much for tuning in,and we'll talk soon, y'all.
Bye!
Thank you for listening to theWrestling With Life podcast.
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(26:38):
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(26:59):
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Okay?
A Wrestling With Life podcast andany content posted on my channels is
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The use of this information is at yourown risk and should not be substituted
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If you're struggling with yourmental health, please consider
(27:42):
seeking professional help.
Or contacting the 988Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Please don't try to getthrough this by yourself, okay?
You are not alone.
We are all wrestling with something.
Whether you're wrestling with your selfimage, your faith in God, or your entire
life's purpose, I'm here to tell you thatnumber one, you are not alone, and number
two, to encourage you to find both beautyand purpose in the midst of your struggle.
My name is Emled and this isthe Wrestling With Life podcast.
(00:25):
What's up beautiful people and welcomeback to the Wrestling With Life podcast.
I am your host Emled, as always.
Thank you so much for tuninginto our fourth episode in
this series on overthinking.
And today we're talking aboutoverthinking the past, how to forgive
yourself and actually move forward.
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How many of y'all Have just spentdays, weeks, maybe even months of
your life ruminating on the past,something you literally can't change.
In that shame spiral, beating yourselfup, overthinking, overcomplicating,
overanalyzing everything, andjust completely feeling stuck,
completely feeling like, Idon't know how to move forward.
(01:06):
I don't know how to get out of my own way.
I'm so sick of thinking of the past.
If that is the case, hi, I have beenthere, you're not alone, and this episode
is 100 percent for you if that's the case.
I just wanted to say real quick beforewe dive into the content, before I really
started this whole series on overthinkingy'all, I was being very conscious of how
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much am I bringing God into the equationof these conversations because I very much
know what it's like to be in that space ofyour faith where you're questioning God,
questioning Jesus, questioning faith, notreally knowing where you stand, if you
believe, to what extent do you believe.
And the last thing that I want to dois sit here and shove faith down your
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throat and be like, trust God, justtrust God, it's all going to work out
and completely oversimplify somethingthat We all know feels so complex
and feels so scary and it's not aseasy as, hey, just stop overthinking.
Hey, just turn your mind off.
Like, we all know it'snot that easy, right?
I've been trying not to shove it downy'all's throats, but I'm finding it
(02:10):
difficult to know where that line isbecause, for me at least, The more
that I have grown in my relationshipwith God, understanding his character,
understanding the way that his loveworks, the way that his forgiveness
works, that has actually given me themost freedom and the most peace of
mind that I've ever felt from the past.
(02:30):
In understanding the way that God lovesme, in understanding his forgiveness,
that's the only thing that has reallyhelped me to let go and to make
peace with things and to move on.
You know I was in the self helpworld for forever, reading all
the books, the podcasts, listeningto the seminars, whatever.
And there's a bunch of tools out therethat talk about this kind of stuff, like
(02:53):
forgiving yourself, making peace withthe past, not being hard on yourself.
I've tried.
almost all of those methods.
And there's a lot of reallygood tools from that space.
But truly, the reason that I wantto bring God into this overthinking
conversation at all is because I havenot successfully been able to get out
of my own head and out of my own waywithout God being the center of my life.
(03:17):
And I don't want that to overwhelm you.
If you're not in that space, I don't wantthat to scare you from continuing to tune
into this podcast or this series, becausethere is still so much wisdom that you
can still pull from and that you canstill apply to your life, even if you're
not sure where God fits into the picture.
And I also want to say to I get thatit can be irritating to hear about
(03:38):
God when he feels really far away.
I get that it can feel honestly rich andyou're like, yeah, okay, I'm glad when
that just doesn't resonate with you.
And I just want to make space forthat and acknowledge that that's okay.
Like that's cool.
You don't know where you stand with God.
I've been there.
I've done that.
And I'm, I know I'm going to bein a season of my life in the
future where I feel that way again,because life is, is so not linear.
(04:02):
It's so up and down.
And certain seasons of life make it harderto trust in God's plan, make it harder
to have peace with your past, right?
So I just wanted to say thatbefore we really get into the
content, but yeah, let's talk aboutoverthinking the past, all right?
What I'd like to do today is startout with a verse that I really think
(04:23):
roots us in Kind of the mindset thatI think we need to go into thinking
about our past to move forward from it.
We're going to talk about shameversus guilt and how that distinction
is really important when it comesto making peace for our past.
And then I have three steps, threeperspective shifts that I want you to
make in order to move on from the past.
(04:46):
Forgive yourself, accept God'sforgiveness, accept forgiveness
from others, and move forward.
Okay?
Does that sound like a plan?
Let's frickin get into it, y'all.
So the verse that I want tostart out with is Romans 8, 28.
And it says, All things work togetherfor good to those who love God.
(05:07):
And this verse has kind of beencoming up repetitively for me.
over like the last six months or so.
About six months ago, I startedwatching the show Manifest.
Have y'all seen that show, Manifest?
It's on Netflix, and it'sabout this crew of people on a
passenger plane who disappear.
No one knows what happens to the plane.
(05:28):
And then five yearslater, this plane lands.
And everyone on board has norecollection of five years passing,
and they haven't aged a day.
Basically, the plane was lost inspace and time for five years, and
no one knows, like, what happened.
And then these people on theplane basically get superpowers.
They start having visions.
(05:49):
There's a lot of spiritual stuffhappening, and basically, like, they
are seeing visions to prevent bad thingsfrom happening, and then they're called
to some sort of action to, to help outor Change how the future plays out, etc.
And anyways, this verse, Romans8, 28, is actually woven all
through this Netflix show.
(06:10):
It keeps coming up.
And the, the flight thatwent missing was flight 828.
Then the numbers 828 keepcoming up all through the show.
And basically the, the conclusion thatthe characters in the show make is that,
wait, all of this crazy stuff that wedon't understand why it's happening, all
of it is working together for our good.
(06:31):
And they start believing that there'sa higher power or God or something
that is orchestrating all of this tohelp them reach some sort of end goal.
I find this to be very interestingbecause I think a lot of us, when
something bad happens, and we don'tunderstand why it's happening.
Our gut reaction is to just thinkthis sucks, why am I suffering,
(06:56):
let me eliminate this pain, let mejust like get through this cringy
moment, let me do whatever I can tojust get past this moment in time.
There's not really a mindset oflike this bad thing that's happening
right now could actually ultimatelyend up working out for my good.
Do you know what I'm saying?
(07:17):
So I think when it comes to our past,a really big issue that we have is
we look at whatever happened andwe only see the downsides of it.
We only see the negative.
We only see our shame.
We only see what we're embarrassed about.
And when we're reflecting on it, Thisfeeling of shame comes because we don't
always identify with who we were whenwe made the decision that we made.
(07:43):
You don't oftentimes feel shamein the moment when you make a bad
choice or say something you regretor whatever it is that you're,
you're beating yourself up over.
That shame only comes later after you'vereflected back on it, and you're seeing
yourself in a negative light, and you'remaking this mean something about you.
(08:05):
And so what I want to challenge ustoday is I want to take us through
three different steps, which arereally like perspective shifts.
I guess is what we'll call them.
Three different perspective shifts thatI want us to make when we are looking
back at our past to change the lens thatwe're seeing everything through, okay?
(08:26):
And before I do that, I want to talka little bit about shame versus guilt.
We've talked in this seriesabout how Satan wants us Satan
wants us beating ourselves up.
Satan wants us in this shame spiralwhere our self esteem is low, we're
beating ourselves up, we're hidingfrom other people, we're hiding
(08:47):
our mistakes, we're hiding ourpain, we're isolating ourselves.
That's what he wants, right?
But shame doesn't start out as shame,like I just said, it starts out as guilt.
And there's a huge differencebetween shame and guilt, okay?
Guilt is, I did something bad.
Whereas shame is, I am bad becauseof these things that I did.
(09:10):
So it's internalizing the guiltand making it a part of you,
making it mean something about you.
And that's exactly what Satan wants.
And I want to remind you that Goddoes not want us to sit in our shame.
Yes, God wants us to be convictedwhen we're doing things that are
(09:31):
harming us or other people for sure.
That's why these emotions exist.
Emotions are cues to let us know thedirection that we should move, to let us
know what our minds and our hearts need.
That is what our emotions exist for.
They're like a compass, you know.
But never did God want us tointernalize either negative or
(09:52):
positive emotions as our identity.
Okay?
He doesn't want our identity to berooted in our actions and the past.
He wants us to root our identity in him.
We make our identity about us.
He wants us to makeour identity about him.
If we make these choices meansomething about us, they all have the
(10:14):
potential to make us feel very, verydeep shame, to hurt our self esteem.
to cut us off fromforgiveness for ourselves.
Maybe we can't even accept forgivenessfrom others and certainly not from God.
So anytime I am beating myself up aboutthe past and I am just in my head,
maybe I'm at, I'm up at 3 a. m. I'mlaying in anxiety and I just like can't
(10:38):
get out of my own way with something.
These are the three thingsthat I remind myself, okay?
Number one, you are doingthe best that you could.
with the information, skills, reality,and emotions that you had at the time.
I'm gonna need you to say itlouder for the people in the back.
You were doing the best that you could.
(11:00):
with the info, skills, reality, andemotions that you had at the time?
Who is actively trying toself sabotage their life?
Okay, a lot of times when we makechoices or we act, we are doing
what we feel is best in the moment.
Think about how powerful emotions are.
Yes, we can do our work to notmake choices or big decisions
(11:24):
in the heat of the moment.
And I think a lot of us haveheard advice about, okay, take a
second to collect yourself, right?
Collect yourself and then respond.
Like, we've all heard that kind of advice,but if we're being really honest, how
many of us actually successfully do that?
I know I have spoken out of anger.
(11:44):
I've spoken out of hurt.
I've spoken out of.
You know, just low confidence even,and I have had regret in those moments
because I spoke out of emotion.
Happens all the time.
And hindsight is so 20 20.
That's what I, I really want us toremember is that hindsight is so 20 20.
It's so easy to be far removed from asituation and think, wow, this is how
(12:09):
I would have handled that differently.
This is how I wouldhave acted differently.
The shame only exists when you'rereflecting on that past version of
yourself and you realize that youare not that person anymore or that
that was not a reflection of who youare, that that wasn't your character.
And you're also not givingyourself any grace in that moment.
(12:29):
You're not considering, okay, whatinformation did I have at that time?
Maybe I was misinformed.
What emotions did I have at that time?
Maybe I was really hot, reallyangry, and I couldn't see clearly.
What about the skillsthat you had at the time?
What if this was years in thepast, and you have learned so many
types of new coping skills, evenin your relationship with God?
(12:50):
Maybe you've learned how to, how topray, how to go to Him for comfort.
And then your reality, like whatwas your reality at the time?
Who were you?
What was going on?
What were other factors atplay that explain why you
reacted the way that you did?
When we start thinking about all ofthose things and how they impacted
what we said, what we did, the choicewe made, it's a lot easier to give
(13:14):
yourself grace because you're trying toempathize and understand your past self.
Yes, you know better now, but thatdoesn't mean you knew better then, right?
Yeah, you know better now, of courseyou know better now, we're growing,
we're evolving, we're changing allthe time, but that doesn't mean
you knew better then, you know?
You're human and emotions, situations,information, skills, reality,
(13:40):
they're powerful and they haveweight in why we do what we do.
And this whole step, okay,this is not to excuse.
behavior that we've done thatwas really hurtful or harmful or
where we really did mess up, okay?
It's just to understand why we didwhat we did, why we said what we
said, why we chose what we chose.
(14:01):
And the more that you can empathize withthat person who you were in the past,
even if this is like a week ago, okay?
We're, all of us are changing constantly,so even if this is a mistake you made a
week ago, You're still not that person.
You're still not in that situation.
So you really need to separateyour identity from your choices,
(14:23):
from your words, from your actions.
Now, if this is repetitive, if thisis an action, choice, from your You
know, words that you are speaking.
If this is something that'shappening all the time, maybe it
is reflective of your character.
But I would bet if you're in a shamespiral and you're stuck about something
(14:44):
that you did in the past, I wouldventure to guess it's really bugging
you because it's not in your character.
Because you're like, oh, that's not me.
That's not me at all.
So that's what I really encourageyou to do is to separate that old
version of you from you now and tocover yourself with some grace, okay?
So that's number one.
You were doing the best that you couldwith the information, skills, reality,
(15:07):
and emotions that you had at the time.
That's the perspective shift Ireally need us to start with.
Give ourselves some grace, okay?
Number two.
You cannot change the past.
What is done cannot be undone.
Obviously, we all know this, right?
(15:29):
I'm not, I'm not telling youanything you haven't already heard.
But how often do we spend all thistime in our head replaying scenarios
differently than they actually happen?
Oh, if I could go back to thisargument and just say this.
Oh, if I could go backand just take back that.
If I would have just spoke up here.
If, if, if, if, if it's hypotheticaland you will never, ever, ever have
(15:54):
the opportunity to actually do that.
And I think a lot of us focuson this because we realize we're
completely out of control now.
We don't have any control overhow that situation played out.
And again, we all know wehate not being in control.
We hate not being in control.
So here, I want you to shift your mindfrom trying to change the past to looking
(16:20):
at the What, what are the actions inmy present that I can make to make
the situation as best as it can be?
What can I control?
What can I change?
How can I fix this in my currentreality to make as much peace
as possible with the situation?
(16:40):
Should I apologize to someone?
Is there an apology I need to give?
Do I need to have a conversation?
Do I need to tell some someonethat, Hey, I'm really sorry
for what I said, what I did.
I was not in the right headspace.
It was the heat of emotion.
I wanted to come to youand just say that to you.
Do you need to right your wrong?
Do you need to Maybeyou stole from someone.
(17:02):
Do you need to give themwhat you stole back?
What is it that you did?
What is it that you did to hurtthis person or a group of people?
What do you need to doto clean up your mess?
And as long as you have controlled everycontrollable that there is, you've thought
about this situation, you know what actionyou need to take to make peace with what
(17:23):
happened, then that is all you can do.
The only thing left to do after thatis to make peace with what happened
and try to move forward, okay?
You cannot change the past.
That's number two.
And then number three, this is my favoriteone and this is what has honestly pushed
the needle the most for me in movingforward and making peace with my past.
(17:47):
You have to find a way.
to see the beauty in what happened.
This goes back to Romans 8 28.
All things work togetherfor those who love God.
How did you learn?
How did you grow?
How could this thing that feels sobad and cringy and embarrassing or
whatever in the moment, how couldthat actually be a good thing?
(18:11):
How could that be an amazing thing?
that actually helps youto be a better person?
How could this actually help you to havea better relationship with someone else?
To have a new opportunity?
What if the fallout of all of thisactually brings you closer to the
(18:32):
person that God wants you to be?
When we're looking at bad things throughthis lens, we're looking for the silver
lining, the beauty, the opportunity,the growth, the goodness, the joy.
We can find it.
The difference is we don't choose that.
We don't choose that perspective.
We look for the embarrassment.
(18:52):
We look for the cringe.
We look for how otherpeople must be seeing us.
Oh, because I did this,now I can't have that.
Or now I don't have this person.
We look for all of the negative.
And so, of course, if you'reOnly looking for the negative.
That's all you're going to find.
It is a conscious choice tolook at whatever mistakes.
(19:14):
Whatever failures, whatever timesthat you've hurt other people, or
dumb choices that you've made, anytimethat you settled or allowed or stayed,
what did that experience give you?
What did it teach you?
How did it form you?
How did it push you closer to God?
How did it make you more loving?
(19:35):
How did it show you whatyou don't want to be?
Like, if you truly look at everyexperience that you've ever had in
your life, You can find that it ispushing you in a good direction, and
I, I can say that with full confidencefrom my own experience, y'all.
Let me keep it so forreal with y'all, okay?
Over the holidays, I went on a tripwith my family, my immediate family.
(20:00):
And that trip was an amazing,wonderful trip, but y'all
know how it is with family.
All of us love each other very much,but we were on top of each other for
an entire week and eventually by theend of the trip, tensions boiled,
there was, it was, it was horrible.
It was excruciating at the time andhow we left the trip is some of us
(20:22):
weren't on speaking terms and someof us didn't know the way forward.
We didn't know what our relationshipwas going to look like going forward.
Like it got spicy, okay?
And I sat in anxiety about itfor probably a month, not really
knowing what was going to happen.
And it took us a while to resolvethings, but when we finally Cooled
(20:45):
off, we took time to process whathappened and we really thought
about what, what mattered and howcould, how could we learn from this?
How could we see thebeauty in this situation?
Like, even though there werehurtful things said, even though
a lot of stuff got stirred up fromthe past, even though we clashed.
(21:07):
How could we actually choose love andchoose to hear each other and choose
to understand each other through it?
And there was a, there was a longperiod of time in those couple weeks
that I was beating myself up becauseI was thinking about how I could
have acted differently, how I couldhave carried myself differently,
how I could have been more patient,how I could have been more loving.
(21:29):
I was really beaten up on myselfand I was in a lot of shame.
And then recently, We had a conversationand it actually brought us closer.
It actually allowed us to saya lot of things that had been
left unsaid for a long time.
It allowed us to eliminate a lotof tension that had already been
existing before this even happened.
(21:51):
And ultimately it just allowedus to understand each other
better and bring us closer.
And y'all, I'm looking back at thatsituation now, and I'm so grateful
that it happened because I can seehow God is redeeming that situation
and allowing it to heal my family.
My family has avoided conflict in manyways for a long time, and this just showed
(22:17):
us that conflict can actually bring uscloser if we choose to let it, if we
choose to view it in a certain way, if wechoose to try to understand each other,
to put our pride aside and choose love.
And that's a lesson God has beenteaching me all year, literally
all year for like six months now.
So, truly guys, I just want toencourage you that if you can find a
(22:40):
way to see the beauty in any situationof what happened, you will find it.
How did you learn?
How did you grow?
Could this event happeningactually be a good thing?
I just want to leave youwith this charge today, okay?
Instead of sitting in an overthinkingspiral, beating yourself up,
(23:01):
sitting in shame, could you possiblyjust take full responsibility
of your part in whatever it is?
Do whatever you can.
to make the situation right.
Forgive yourself for howyou acted at that moment.
Try to empathize with the personthat you were in that moment
and why you did what you did.
(23:22):
And then make the conscious choice to bechanged for the better by what happened.
To see the good in it.
To see, okay, I can take this awayfrom this bad thing happening.
I can see the good in it.
Guys, all of this is a conscious decision.
And I think the underlying belief ofall of it, how it's all rooted in the
(23:44):
Lord, is that we believe everything goodand bad, all of our pain, all of our
suffering, all of the hard times, isfor a greater purpose that is ultimately
for our good, like Romans 8, 28 said.
And again, if you don't know whereyou stand with God, that's okay.
This concept can still be appliedto your life, even if you don't
(24:07):
know where God fits in the picture.
You can still choose to believethat everything can be used for your
good if you choose the perspective.
You don't have to have God be a partof the equation to see it like that.
For me personally, Him being a partof the equation gives me way more
peace than I would have on my own.
Because I really fully understandthe sacrifice that Jesus
(24:30):
made by dying on the cross.
Because of him, I'm forgiven.
Because of him, I don'thave to be perfect.
There's no pressure to have handledthings perfectly in the past.
There's no pressure to handlethings perfectly in the future.
He knows I'm never goingto get it fully right.
He knows I'm going to do my best to growand try to be better than I was yesterday,
(24:51):
but he knows I'm going to miss that.
that mark of perfection.
I'm not going to reach it.
You're not going to reach it.
And he knows that.
And he loves me anyway.
He paid the penalty for me anyway.
You know, and that unconditional loveand fully wrapping my head around that,
that's truly where my piece comes from.
Because it's really, it's kind ofdepressing, like, without him part
(25:14):
of the equation, thinking that,okay, it's all on me to continuously
be better, like, at what point isperfection then the expectation?
Because it's like, okay, well,I've been at this for 80 some
years and I'm still messing up.
Like, when am I finallygonna get it right?
Knowing the truth that I'm nevergoing to and that God knew that and
(25:34):
he paid the price for that anyway.
That's kind of what's amazing, you know,and that's what truly gives me peace.
And I hope that anyone listening,that gives you some comfort too.
All right guys, that is all Ihave on overthinking the past.
I really hope that it gives yousome encouragement and helps
you feel ready to move forward.
Have a fantastic week.
(25:56):
I'm sure there will be more episodeson overthinking coming soon.
I'm also getting ready to start recordingseason three with a particular guest host.
So stay on the lookout for that.
Don't know the details about timing.
Don't know when it's going to be recordedor posted, but just know that it's coming.
And yeah, we have some, somecollaborative episodes coming
(26:18):
up for y'all to look forward to.
Thanks so much for tuning in,and we'll talk soon, y'all.
Bye!
Thank you for listening to theWrestling With Life podcast.
If this episode sparked something inyour brain or made you think of someone
specific, please share it with them.
Let someone else know that they arenot alone in their struggles today.
(26:38):
And please rate the podcast onwhatever platform you're listening on.
If you're a Spotify listener, you canleave a comment on this episode with
your thoughts on what we covered.
And I want to hear about what Godis doing in your life, so tell me.
And if you're hungry for even moreinspirational content just like
this, you can give me a follow onInstagram at EM underscore LED 11.
(26:59):
I am always posting polls toget a gauge on what everyone is
struggling with out there, sharing.
Everyday little life moments andencouraging all of us to find
both beauty and purpose in themidst of our daily struggles.
So come join in on the good vibes.
And real quick before you go, thisis just a little quick reminder
on what this podcast is not.
(27:20):
Okay?
A Wrestling With Life podcast andany content posted on my channels is
presented solely for informationaland educational purposes.
The use of this information is at yourown risk and should not be substituted
for the advice of a therapist,pastor, or any qualified professional.
If you're struggling with yourmental health, please consider
(27:42):
seeking professional help.
Or contacting the 988Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Please don't try to getthrough this by yourself, okay?
You are not alone.
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