In Truth We Grow

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Multiple people in my family clean my father, are veterans,
troops that.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Have been to war and now they're back and think
and be grateful for their service, sacrifice, love for their country,
just unselfishness, all.

Speaker 3 (00:17):
That they do for us.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
There are some people in this country who take extraordinary
steps to provide for the freedom and security.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
We forget that those people exist.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
We know them as the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines,
and Coast Guard. They call themselves soldiers, seals, rangers, airmen, sailors,
devil dogs, and so much more. We call them fathers, brothers,
sons and husbands, mothers, daughters, sisters and wives. We call

(00:49):
them friend and neighbor. These veterans answered the call, now
we answer theirs. They are the best our country has
to offer, and we love them. Today, we honor them
and we serve them. David Maulsby is your host, and

(01:14):
he welcomes you to this community of veterans. As together
we are building the road to hope.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
And indeed we are glad to have you along. On
a Sunday afternoon on the kPr C nine to five
on the AM dial here in Houston, Texas, thank you
for joining us. Those of you who listen through the
magic of podcasts from anywhere in the world. Wherever you
listen to podcasts, just look for Road to Hope Radio
and there we are appreciate you not only listening, but
hitting that subscribe button and also sharing it. Share it

(01:45):
with friends and neighbors, coworkers, etc. And so forth and
so on. Everyone you know could use a little bit
of hope. This is PTSD Awareness Month, so gonna talk
just a bit about that here in this opening segment.
We've got a couple of our veterans here with us today.
We'll get into into talking with them. But this whole

(02:08):
thing of PTSD, if you'd ask somebody, if you go
back fifteen years, a fifteen sixteen years, if you'd asked,
done a man on the street kind of a thing?
You know what PTSD is? Do you know what it
looks like? You know what it sounds like, you know what?
You know what it is? They would rarely have even
heard the term, and certainly wouldn't know what it was about.

(02:29):
It was just not a common thing. Now today it's
a bit of a buzzword and it's used in jokes
and punchlines and some nonsense. But there's a lot of
misunderstanding about PTSD. But what I'd like to mention to
this on this show is it's not a new thing.
It's a newer name, but it is not a new issue.

(02:50):
As long as mankind has lived and experienced trauma, these issues,
these we call symptoms, pop up. So for instance, at
one point in time in the military world, it was
a thousand yards stare, battle fatigue, some different things like that.

(03:13):
But it's pretty much the same issue, just a different name.
But I'll take you back. I know not everybody listening
is into the Bible, but I just can take you
to a Bible story that everyone has heard, at least
the name of it. They may not know what it means,

(03:34):
but they understand the concept of David versus Goliath. That
comes from first Samuel, the book for Samuel in the
Old Testament, and in every era of war, there's always
songs that go along with the war. Songs are written
about it and songs of the time. And there was
a song in David's time as well, King Saul, and

(03:58):
David was a shepherd boy, he was a harpist of
all things. He's also a great warrior. And for sam
you have the story of David defeating Goliath. Now here's
the thing that not everybody if you've heard that, but
you don't know how the story goes on. So David,

(04:21):
it wasn't enough for him just to to kill and
to take down the giant of gath Uh. He decapitated
him on the battlefield. Then it gets a little more weird.
He doesn't just say victory is ours and turn and
walk away. He picked up Goliath's head and start walking

(04:46):
around with it. Like you know, if you go hunting
and you you know, you kill something and you bring
it home and you get it mounted. That's one thing.
But carrying around at guy's head is a little a
little odd. And I understand different cultures in different times
and all that, I get it, but still here's a
guy just cut off this dude's head and he's walking around.
He even took it to the king's palace. He took

(05:07):
it to King Saul's palace. That's a little odd. But
when you read some of David's songs, and perhaps you'd
never thought of it this way, but even in Psalm six,
there's multitudes of things that he talks about that would
be considered today symptoms of PTSD. He talks about soaking

(05:30):
his pillow, soaking his bed at night with his tears,
and he talks about his bones hurting, everything hurts, his
eyes are sunken in, he can't sleep. These are all
signs and symptoms. If they'd had psychologists in that day

(05:53):
making diagnosis, I think it might well have been just
like what we call PTSD today. The song of the
day was Saul is Slain's thousands. David has slain his
tens of thousands. Now that's a bad dude. That is
a bad dude. You don't want to mess with that guy.

(06:16):
Sauls Slain's thousands, David has slain its tens of thousands,
No wonder he couldn't sleep at night. So I just
share that with you because I know some people are
afraid to reach out to get help because they're afraid
they're going to get some diagnosis. Stick stuck to him
means something weak, something broken. David went on to be

(06:37):
the greatest king Israel ever had period into story, but
he still couldn't sleep at night, and he still had
his struggles. So what I want to tell you today,
you're struggling. You have some of these same kind of
symptoms that David had and he wrote about for the
world to read forever. In the psalms, you can't get

(06:59):
help and it can change your life. Our website's PTSD
post Traumatic stress Disorder PTSD USA dot org. We have
a combat trauma crisis line, and perhaps your trauma's not
combat related, still feel free to call us. We will

(07:20):
get you connected with someone who can help. There are
carrers out there. You may not think anybody cares, but
there are carrrs out there. That crisis line number is
eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy three.
It's going to be answered by a combat vet with
a lot of training de escalations, suicide prevention, all that

(07:41):
eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy three.
Put the gun down, put the bottle down, pick up
the phone, make the call. We'll be right back with
more of Road Hope.

Speaker 4 (07:52):
Radio and welcome back.

Speaker 2 (08:09):
Glad to have you along. Those of you listening through podcasts, Kim,
thank you for hitting that subscribe button. Also sharing it
with your friends, neighbors, coworkers, et cetera. You never know
who might hear it and needs some hope, needs to
know that there's somebody out there that actually cares and
wants to do what they can to walk that path
with them. Big thank you to our show sponsors that

(08:31):
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(09:37):
dot com. All right, we got Mac back with us,
and he much better cap choice this time. I got it.
I gotta congratulate you on your your cap choice today.

Speaker 5 (09:48):
Well, I feel so well. Hello, my name is Mac.
I'm from They called me Robert. I'm Robin McLean. They
called me Mac. I kind of hope and today my
teams feel somewhat defeated, so I had to pretty much
retire a halfway today. Believe me, we'll be on top
and you have something to talk about later.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
S Oh, okay, you're guaranteeing this? Oh yes, I'm going Okay.
That always ends well yeah, so you know me, that
always ends well, well, especially the sports like oh guaranteed, boy.

Speaker 5 (10:19):
I don't know long as not the Astros anyway, I'm sorry,
what was Astross was looking pretty good this year.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
I didn't want to go with you. Well you did start? Yeah, yeah,
you open the door anyway, don't point any of it.
I do, Brandon, you want to introduce yourself to the world.

Speaker 3 (10:33):
Oh yeah, my name was Brandon Wilson from Dallas, Texas.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
And you're branching where you serve US Army eighty second
Airborne and I was in Afghanistan. Well, you guys jumping
out of airplanes craziness, just absolutely crazy. Yes, and you
have an excellent hat choice as well today. Good job.
All right, So from Dallas originally? All right? Uh, what

(10:58):
was life like before you joined the army?

Speaker 3 (11:01):
It depends how far back?

Speaker 2 (11:02):
Well, I mean high school ish? How long after high
school did you join?

Speaker 3 (11:07):
We'll see. I dropped out of high school. I was sixteen, okay.

Speaker 6 (11:09):
My dad had a heart attack and I had to
help him run his business and then, I believe it
or not, actually ran his nightclub in Deep Bell in Texas.

Speaker 3 (11:16):
So I was a sixteen year old in.

Speaker 2 (11:17):
Deep Bell and I can believe it.

Speaker 3 (11:19):
Yes, yeah, it was Club twenty eight twenty six back
in the day.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
Yeah that's not real shocking anyway, Go ahead.

Speaker 6 (11:24):
So I guess, and I moved to Vegas with him
after that when I was eighteen, I believe I told
him I was twenty Okay.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
Any particular reason in the army, Well, my.

Speaker 6 (11:35):
Dad was UDT in the Navy and he wanted me
to go to try to do buds, but I'm scared
of sharks, so I said, I'd rather go to the
army and figure out to be a ranger.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
I wouldn't want to swim with the sharks either. You
have any desire for that, mac sharks? Yeah, it tastes
good with ASO. So I mean, oh, well, I worry
about this is the right hot sauce here? Okay.

Speaker 5 (12:01):
It's not the shocks that bothered me. I was woman
woman's shocks that scared me.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
Okay, all right, So twenty years old you joined the army.
What year was that? Remember? Roughly five? Okay, and then
you deployed in oh seven yep, seven O eight. I
was in Afghanistan okay, all right, one tour yeah, yeah, okay,
so army ranger noborn. I'm sorry, I'm sitting there looking

(12:30):
at it and saying one thing and reading another. Army everborn.
What was your daily task there?

Speaker 3 (12:39):
I did a lot of QRF so.

Speaker 6 (12:42):
In FOP Silaria where I was at, I was in
between Tutor Andobbs, FOP Center, FOP Rona and uh. In
FOP Sano, we.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
Were attacked daily, so my job was to go.

Speaker 6 (12:51):
And take down the water tubes, we'd find and see
if we could catch the people doing it and just
protect area.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
Okay, so your early twenties and a part of the
world that I don't know. I don't know if there's
a worse part of the world in that place. Sure
is beautiful, though, Yeah, uh maybe I'll take your word
for it. I'm not gonna go find out. No, well
that's not on my bucket. Let's go find out.

Speaker 6 (13:21):
It was the Hindukush Mountain. So, I mean, it's shocking,
like how such a beautiful place can be so.

Speaker 2 (13:27):
Evil?

Speaker 3 (13:28):
Yeah, Hell on Earth pretty much?

Speaker 2 (13:29):
Yeah, no kidding, all right, So there was a lot
of There was a lot going on while you're there. Yeah,
I am packed craziness pretty much daily. Yeah.

Speaker 6 (13:42):
I lost two really good friends out there. One wasn't
even with the army. He was a company guy. But
whenever I wasn't doing other stuff, we were training in
the gym together. You know, we became friends, because when
you're in a tight group of people out in the
middle of a war zone, you typically become almost like
family with people. And he went on a mission one
night and then I knew, I knew there was some

(14:02):
contact outside but I didn't know. You know, once you're
there for fifteen days and you've been hit enough times,
I'll walk through where mortars are coming to get to
the chow hall, you know what I mean, So you
get desensitized.

Speaker 3 (14:15):
I guess is a word.

Speaker 6 (14:16):
And so I knew there was some contact, but I
didn't think any of it until the next morning when
I actually was able to go to the gym and
find out that he was killed. And so you lost
two Yeah, staff started arms song, well, sergeant arms songs
now now staff started arms song, of course, but yeah,
he was he was taken out in a road accedent.

Speaker 2 (14:40):
Okay, so two friends lost on your deployment obviously, just
the trauma of war, and yeah, that's you know, the
whole one of the whole things about PTSD would try
to explain to people. So, like you mentioned, fifteen days in,
you're just kind of it's just it's just the next day,

(15:00):
it's just the next round. So your brain has had
to had to rewire itself to deal with that, and
that's how it worked out for you. Is that kind
of way it was for you or did your brain
rewire a different way?

Speaker 5 (15:16):
I think it was a little different. Like I said,
I come from older, older era, and it's pretty much
when you get on that bird, you're already you know, processing.
This is what I've been waiting. This is not what
I've been waiting for, but this is it is time,
you know. So when you hit the ground, there's no
turning back because you're in fear in land. So you

(15:37):
might as we go ahead and go out and put
on the show, you know, because it's no turning back
from here on. So I was prefer something somewhat yeah.

Speaker 2 (15:47):
All right, So how far into your deployment did you
lose staffs hurten.

Speaker 6 (15:54):
That's the very end for staff shorten. But the company guy,
we lost him. I think it was like three four
months after I got there. Now, And I keep in
mind I got to the eighty second Airborne and literally
I did in processing. I went to my battalion and
all that, and uh uh, the there are are there
are some people on rare D because they were already
deployed for a couple of months. And so they come

(16:16):
to me and goes, well you're deploying. I said, okay, cool,
when you know saying he's like next week, I was like, WHOA.
So I called my mom like, hey, I got some
I got some news, you know what I mean. She
I said, I'm gonna deploy. She goes, oh, okay, well
like six seven months. I was like, nah, next week.

Speaker 3 (16:28):
She's like what.

Speaker 6 (16:29):
I was like, yeah, they're already gone and I'm joining
them to meet them. I was like, this is what
I joined for. So it doesn't really matter, But it
was just how quick things can go sometimes.

Speaker 3 (16:37):
So normally, like when you're deploying.

Speaker 6 (16:39):
As you know, MAC, you go and do a bunch
of training dif for months and months in different areas.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
I was basically.

Speaker 6 (16:44):
Out of airborne school, heading to heading to a battalion
and going straight overseas. So but I think our areas
are different too because with our with my area, our era, uh,
we joined to do this, that's what we were, you
know what I mean, Like as were some people they
joined just a you know whatever for college or whatever.

Speaker 3 (17:01):
We joined to go to war. And so I think
that's a.

Speaker 6 (17:05):
Little bit of a difference as well. I don't not
necessarily with MAC, but just older generations.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
Sure, sure, all right, Just to remind her as we
talk through these things, we understand these can be triggers.
Eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy three.
Please put that in your phone. It may never ever
be for you, but you may come across someone and

(17:29):
you're gonna think, man, I wish I put that number
in my phone. Because he needs it, she needs it.
Please put it on your phone. Eight seven seven seven
one seven seventy eight seventy three. Answered twenty four to
seven three sixty five by a combat veteran eight seven
seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy three. We're gonna

(17:50):
take a quick break and we'll be right back with
more of Road to Hope Radio. You know, everything we

(18:14):
do at PTSD Foundation of America Camp Hope for our
veterans their families, all at zero cost to our veterans
or their families. We believe they've paid a high enough
price as it is, so it's our turn to turnaround
to take care of our veterans. Sometimes there's some fun
wasays to participate in that. I mean, obviously, you know,
we're happy for you to write a check or put
a recurring donation on your credit card account. That'd be awesome,

(18:37):
but there's some fun ways to do it too. So
this week still a part of PTSD awareness a month Thursday.
It's PTSD Awareness Day June twenty seventh, and our great
friends at Jimmy Changa's and Gringos are once again doing
their every caso count. So if you go in and
buy let's say, five bowls a kso to take to

(18:59):
the office and make everybody at your office make you
the hero of the day, every penny of it, every
penny of all five bulls caso that you get will
be donated to Camp Hope. So it's not a percentage
of sale, unless you just want to say it's one
hundred percent of the sale. But you go buy some
caso Thursday, Jimmy chong Is or gring goes. One percent

(19:21):
of that goes to support our programs at Camp Hope.
And by the way, there are people that do this
every year. They will go by multiple bowls of kso
and take it to their office. So I joke around
about it, but it's true a lot of people do that.
But it's a great day, a great way to support
the PTSD Foundation of America. It'll end up being fifty

(19:43):
five sixty dollars, which is a lot of cheese. That's
a lot of cheese. But you can be a part
of that. We thank you for doing so. Also, on
the twenty fourth Tuesday, Texas, any Texas Roadhouse location in
the Houston area goes up to conro Cypress all all
around in Houston area. Ten percent of your total ticket

(20:04):
will be donated to the PTSD Foundation. So this Tuesday,
good day to go, get a steak, get some of
that bread. That bread is amazing. Anyway, ten percent of
whatever your purchase is at any of the local Texas
Roadhouse locations, ten percent will be donated to the PTSD
Foundation of America. It makes it supports our program make

(20:28):
sure that when a veteran does call that crisis line,
we're able to answer it. We're able to buy the
airplane ticket to get them here. We're able to have
the bed roof overhead, the shower, the food, the programming,
the peer to peer, the camaraderie. So great way for
you to support Texas Roadhouse on Tuesday, Jimmy Choka's Gringoes

(20:51):
on Thursday, It's gonna be a great day. Gonna be
a great day, all right. So you're in Afghanistan for.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
How long we were deployed fifteen months?

Speaker 2 (21:06):
Fifteen months?

Speaker 3 (21:07):
I got left in Afghanistan. My battalion didn't have enough
planes or something.

Speaker 6 (21:13):
I don't know. It was weird situation, but I got
I got stuck in Afghanistan me and it was the
privates and then all the higher ups that stayed back
and so out of fiance at that time, she was
coming to brag to actually be there when I got there,
and she had to call and get money from home
because she had to say nine extra days before we
even got back from the day we were supposed to.
But we went from Afghanistan, we landed in Kirkistan Mana's

(21:36):
Air Force Base. Then from there we flew to Spain,
to some naval base in Spain, and then finally we
got a plane to back to brag or Pope Air
Force Base.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
I guess, okay, so let's go back. You mentioned, you know,
fifteen days in. It's just, you know, it's just the
way it is, and you're just kind of numb to
it all. But today, obviously PTSD's part of your life
and the combat side of things. There's other traumas that
you've experienced in your life, so it's compounded PTSD absolutely,

(22:07):
But when did you realize something's not right, were you
still in the army?

Speaker 6 (22:14):
No, see with me, I ended up getting out of
the army because about fourteen of us failed your analysis
out in Afghanistan. And now that I look back at it,
I guess we smoked whatever whatever we did for the
simple fact of to cope. I guess I didn't think
about it, but I guess that looking back now, I

(22:35):
see that that's what it was. And so I didn't
get to do everything I wanted to do. But yeah,
I could. I could tell once I got out, is
when I could tell. Like I wasn't a drinker before
I went in. And yes, I know eighty second Airborne
is athletic alcoholics, I get that, but I really didn't
drink that much. But when I got back, I was

(22:55):
trying to live a good life on my fiance, and
so I started drinking a lot.

Speaker 3 (22:59):
Just wasn't myself. I can't go in crowds.

Speaker 2 (23:02):
Where were you when you came back?

Speaker 3 (23:03):
Dallas, Texas?

Speaker 2 (23:04):
So so we went home?

Speaker 3 (23:05):
Yeah watch that?

Speaker 2 (23:06):
Okay, what'd you do for work? Well? All right?

Speaker 6 (23:10):
So at first I worked at Encore credit card processing.
I was a recruiter, so I would recruit people to
come and go sell credit card processing stuff. But that's
actually where I got bad. After I stopped doing that,
I had a drug habit at that point, and that
actually goes with PTSD is because.

Speaker 3 (23:32):
You know, drugs aren't the problem. They're a solution.

Speaker 6 (23:34):
They're a horrible solution and an absolute horrible solution. But
the problem is what I was going through my mind,
from combat to you know, even childhood traumas from my dad,
just just everything, and drugs were what I used to
solve those problems, which is what, of course I was
taught at Camp Hope.

Speaker 3 (23:54):
But yeah, so.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Okay, so let's just think of the the more common
signs of PTSD. Symptoms of PTSD hypervigilance, the anxiety, the
lack of sleep. What were what were you? Check? Check
and check.

Speaker 3 (24:13):
Okay, I'm still anxious right now.

Speaker 2 (24:16):
I can't keep.

Speaker 6 (24:18):
But I have really hyper vigilance. No where I could
go I could have fun anymore. I couldn't go to
concerts where I used to love to go to concerts.
But now I'm checking everywhere. I'm checking for you know,
on top of the stage, I'm checking everywhere around me,
you know, and then people will get on you. Why
can't you just relax and you're not there anymore. Well, yeah,

(24:39):
but you know I'm always there.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
Look your friends, family, which yeah, friends and family, which
is that's one of the reasons we do our family
support groups helped them understand. No, no, no, that's not helpful. Mac.
Were you a concert going guy?

Speaker 5 (24:54):
No, it wasn't. Like I said, I come from New York,
so they don't have concerts in New York. What they
have co Going there is one day and getting out
is another. You know, that would have been my combat
That would have been my combat tour.

Speaker 2 (25:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (25:06):
What about baseball games?

Speaker 5 (25:07):
Oh I love baseball games? Yeah Yankees? Yeah, yeah, I
dealt with that if we want to go that route.
But I'm still to this day now I can't even
deal with crowds. Unfortunately, medications became my best friend because
I deal with anxiety, you know, and severe nightmares, so
night terrists. I say, so, but you will go to
a game, not a crowded one.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Okay, not a crowd all right, Okay, so you're back
at work, You're starting to drink add drugs along the way.
When did things really start to fall apart? What what happened.

Speaker 6 (25:47):
When I was basically just said screw it and quit working.
I didn't realize it then, but now I was having
I don't want to say it, I was having a breakdown.
But the more you try to dull the pain of something,
the more you have to figure it out in some way,

(26:08):
and my way unfortunately with shrugs. So yeah, I started
doing a bunch of drugs and I started owing money.
Then some people send some people after me to collect money,
and then I hurt those two people, and then I
got offered a job with them, and then it was
off to the races unfortunately.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
And where does this path lead you to prison?

Speaker 3 (26:27):
I did nine years in federal prison.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Okay, So the.

Speaker 6 (26:32):
Hardest part about daddy is going from getting off a
bird and everyone cheering you like your hero, to then
going to federal prison and getting out and everyone thinking
you're the biggest piece of crap on the planet. It's
it's at that point you're like it's over with So
you just keep just keep going, you know.

Speaker 2 (26:50):
Yeah, and uh, figure out the time if I want
to get started on the subject or not. Okay, So
nine years, when did you get out? Well? I got
out once.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
This is over four different periods. The first time I
got out.

Speaker 6 (27:09):
I was in two thousany fourteen, and that's when I
ended up going to Camp Hope the first time in
twenty sixteen, and then I went back twenty nineteen and
got out.

Speaker 3 (27:20):
In twenty four.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
And how long have you been in camp.

Speaker 3 (27:25):
Now, I've been there coming on in three and a
half months.

Speaker 2 (27:28):
So you're in red.

Speaker 3 (27:29):
Yeah, I'll be in yellow at the end of July.

Speaker 2 (27:32):
Okay for the first time. Good, that's progress. Yeah. When
you first heard about Camp Hope the very first time,
how did you hear about it?

Speaker 6 (27:44):
We were going to celebrate recovery, me and my wife,
my only wife I had. We're going to celebrate recovery.
And there was a ranger there who ran the group,
and I was in a downward spiral. I was doing great,
and then I had a root canal and went to
the doctor and he gave me a pain and I thought
I was good enough. I had that and I relapsed
and so my wife at the time talked to the

(28:06):
stranger behind my back, and next thing you know, they
found this awesome place called Camp Hope. And first time
I came was in November of twenty sixteen.

Speaker 2 (28:17):
What was your reaction when they mentioned it? To you did.

Speaker 3 (28:22):
I was probably too far gone to be honest.

Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, we'll pick up on that a little bit after
the break. But just a reminder ptsdusa dot org. We
don't only have Camp Hope, which is the interim housing program,
a lengthy one. It's designed to be six to nine
months in length. Sometimes it takes guys up to nearly
two years to complete the program. But it's all again

(28:45):
at no cost. But we also have our warrior groups,
our family support groups. All that information is available ptsd
usa dot org. We haven't been person in several cities
across the country and virtually so you can jump on
anywhere ptsd usa dot org and just join one of
those warrior groups and you can find some hope. We'll
be right back. Well, Mac, I made a mistake, and

(29:22):
I have to admit it. The Gringoes things is the
twenty seventh. That's Friday. It's not Thursday. I can't read
a calendar apparently, so Texas Roadhouse Tuesday, Greenoes, Jimmy Chong
is Friday. Go get you some caso and take some
to the office and be the hero of the place.
All right, Brandon, We're gonna get a little dark here.
For just a minute. You mentioned you lost to while

(29:47):
you were deployed, lost to any one since coming home,
quite a few. It's a story we hear often. You
were nearly one of those. Yeah, three times? How many? Three?

Speaker 6 (30:04):
First time I ate ninety seven antidepressants. I was on
a comb for four days.

Speaker 3 (30:10):
When I woke up.

Speaker 6 (30:10):
The doctor told me, he goes, man, I've been incited
to meet you, he goes, I've never seen anyone have
as much sit in their system as you and still live.

Speaker 3 (30:18):
He goes.

Speaker 6 (30:19):
Here for a reason, I seem to hear that every
time I tried to commit suicide. Second time was overdosing
drugs on purpose. I just ended up waking up after
a while. And last time, which got me back to
camp Hope for the last time was March eighteenth.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
I shot up enough finnel to kill four people, and
I tried to hide in a car.

Speaker 6 (30:40):
And there's no other way explaining it, and sorry felling religious,
But God saved me somehow because I was dead, and
paramedics somehow found me and hiding in the back of
a parking lot in a car and busted the window
out and brought me back to life.

Speaker 2 (30:56):
I'm a firm believer that for a human being to cognitively,
cognitively make the choice I'm going to end my life,
even if they write a note, you really can't put
a lot into the note. In my opinion, your mind
is broken, or you wouldn't be doing this. So you're

(31:18):
not making sense of anything clearly, because you're born fighting
to live. So something dramatically has to happen in the
brain for that to become your choice. And as you
look back on it, can you kind of pinpoint's the
here's the reason why I chose it.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
A bunch of stuff.

Speaker 6 (31:39):
I went from a hero to a criminal. I was
tired of living the way I was living, but I
couldn't quit.

Speaker 2 (31:49):
You know.

Speaker 6 (31:49):
I got back with the mother my child, Ashley, and
then there's an instant where I'm going through CPS now
dealing with this issue with my daughter. And so when
that happened, I was every day I tried to call
camp Hope. She went to a detox program for alcohol,
which she never drank around the kids or nothing like that.
But she was driving or actually she wasn't rug I'm sorry.

(32:12):
She was at the hospital, uh, because one of her
friends was dying and she was waiting in the car
with our daughter, UH for an uber to come in
the cops because because the car was turned on, they
gave her a DUI and so CPS came in in
her daughter, which I think is absolutely asidine, but it's
also the best thing that ever happened to me in
the long run. So she had to go to treatment,

(32:33):
and she wanted me to go to treatment. So instead
of them giving her daughter to me, She's like, look,
he really needs help. He needs to go back to
UH and get help at Camp Hope. He's a he
has PTSD's combat VET. And so that was the deal.
I had to go back. So I drove, I got
rid of my house in Kilbore, Texas, came back to Dallas,
UH in my car, and I basically every single day

(32:55):
that she was there, I tried to call Camp Hope
every day, and every day I couldn't. And uh, because
I've been already been there twice at that point, and UH,
you know, it's hard coming back a second time or
a third time. But you know, finally she got out
of her detoxs and she started living in this sober
living house, and uh, I had to go and and

(33:18):
I just I was like, you know what, I shouldn't
do it anymore, lose my daughter or losing everything. My
life wasn't what it was supposed to be, and so yeah,
I ended up. I just said screw it and ended
up killing myself. And I told I remember telling you
Mac before I left the last time, I said, if
I leave, I'm gonna end up dead and relapse.

Speaker 3 (33:40):
And uh that's what happened.

Speaker 2 (33:44):
Okay, third attempt. Uh, this is your third trip to camp.
Hope you look different this time. I don't mean physically,
I just mean the look in your eye, the attitude,

(34:08):
the disposition.

Speaker 3 (34:10):
I can't mess up this time.

Speaker 6 (34:12):
Now when I committed suicide this last time, I'll be honest.
When they brought me back to life, I felt free
for the first time in a long time in my life.
The self hate I had, like I always wondered why
my dad treated my brother better than me. And he
was a good dad in a sense, but I mean
like he always my brother was always treated better me,

(34:33):
like I.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
Wasn't good enough.

Speaker 6 (34:34):
And it wasn't n til I later on I found
out that it probably wasn't really my real dad.

Speaker 3 (34:38):
That it made sense to me.

Speaker 6 (34:40):
But so I had a lot of self doubt, a
lot of self hate, things that could have did different,
and all that wasn't there when I woke up, when
they brought me back to life, none that was there.
And I remember the firefighter, he said, firefighter, paramedic. He
was like, he's like, how much of this you normally do?
When I said I don't do it, he goes, no, no, no,
you're not thinking clearly. How much is you do you do?
I said I don't. I'm a combat vet and I

(35:01):
was trying to kill myself and he said, ah, heck no,
and they put me on a stretcher. And I was
at Green Oaks in Dallas for a few days and
then straight to y'all. But I it's freeing not having
that stuff on my chest anymore.

Speaker 2 (35:12):
Now.

Speaker 6 (35:12):
I'm not suggesting kill yourself at all, because I probably
might not work out that way. I probably won't. It's
a horrible idea, but the fact that I know I
have no more chances and the fact that I don't, Okay,
So once you take away the problem, you don't need
the solution of drugs or any of that anymore, And
so I finally feel free for the first time. I

(35:32):
think God let me go through a lot of things.
That way, I could be a help to other vets
and have a testimony that I have because it's pretty wild,
but I definitely that's what I'm gonna use it for.
I'm actually applying to Camp Hope to work there because
up saved my life and that's a fact. And just

(35:53):
because you come and then you end up leaving, if
you do like, it doesn't mean anything. Man like you
come back, and it's why they have a saying welcome home.

Speaker 4 (36:02):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 6 (36:02):
And we truly mean that to everyone because lot some
of us don't come back and we don't make it.
And it literally saved my life. But if you do
leave it, you can come back if you're not ready,
because sometimes you're not ready, you know, you have to
be ready to make that change.

Speaker 3 (36:20):
But I was ready for sure.

Speaker 6 (36:23):
I'm forty years old, or I'll be forty this August,
and I'm leaving here. It's gonna work, hopefully working Camp Hope,
getting a house in Lake Comroo, and have my daughter
back with me, mother, my child, hopefully my future wife Ashley.
And yeah, and I'm ready to get back what's been
given to me so many times for me.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
So.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
Well, keep doing the work. It's still got a waste
to go. Oh yeah, just keep doing the work. And
as you have seen, because he's been around, as Mac
can testify to, you can't quit in the work just
because you're not there anymore. When you go home and
go forward to whatever that looks like for you got

(37:08):
to still do the work. Make the right choices every day,
better choices, better outcomes. Right, yes, sir, we got thirty
forty five seconds. What would you say to that guy
out there struggling right now and he's going through the
same thing, hopelessness gone from you know, the the overused

(37:30):
phrase hero to zero? What would you say that guy?

Speaker 6 (37:34):
Pretty much, I tell him you're not weak by asking
for help, and if you want help in your combat,
Vet man, come to camp Hope. I know it's a
long time, but you suck it up and do it
in the whole aspect of everything from the therapy to
the peer to peer to warrior groups to everything. Man,
it's changed my life, it really has. And even every

(37:57):
time I left, it changed my life that time too,
but I just was ready and this time being when
you're actually ready and you come here, you'll be a
different person. I see dudes getting their wives back, kids back.
You can see the difference in someone's eyes at this place.

Speaker 2 (38:13):
Last week, last week being Father's Day on Sunday, we
saw some pretty cool things happen. It's always good to
see some fathers seeing their children for the first time
sometime in years sometimes, so it's pretty cool. See Thank
you guys, Matt, great to see. Thank you for what
you do every single day. Grateful for you, Brandon, Thanks
for what you're doing right now. Keep doing it. You

(38:35):
deserve it. Your daughter does too, but you deserve it.
So keep pressing toward the mark. There's there's some good
things out in front of you and a lot of
life left to you. PTSDUSA dot org. Ptsd usa dot
org crisis line is eight seven seven seven one seven
seventy eight seventy three. Thank you for listening and sharing

(38:57):
the podcast for Road to Hope. Have a great week.
Everyone been the Bemantic b