Uniquely Human

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Multiple people in my family clean my father, are veterans, troops.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
That have been to war and now they're back and
think and be grateful for their service, sacrifice, love for
their country, just unselfishness, all that they do for us.

Speaker 3 (00:19):
There are some people in this country who take extraordinary
steps to provide for the freedom and security. We forget
that those people exist.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
We know them as the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines,
and Coast Guard. They call themselves soldiers, seals, rangers, airmen, sailors,
devil dogs, and so much more. We call them fathers, brothers,
sons and husbands, mothers, daughters, sisters and wives. We call

(00:49):
them friend and neighbor. These veterans answered the call. Now
we answer. Theirs are the best our country has to offer,
and we love them. Today, we honor them and we
serve them. David Malsby is your host, and he welcomes

(01:15):
you to this community of veterans. As together we are
building the road to hope.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
And indeed we are glad to have you along. On
a Sunday afternoon, those of you listening through the KPRC,
the nine to five O, and the AM dialer here
in Houston, Texas, thank you for joining us those of
you listening through the magic of podcast Wherever you listen
to podcasts, just look for Road to Hope Radio. Really
do appreciate it when you get that subscribe button. It'll
download each and every week when the news show drops,

(01:45):
and we appreciate you doing that sharing it with everybody
you possibly can. That's one thing you want to do
as liberally as possible. Everybody you can meet could use
a little hope. So thank you for doing so and
helping us. Big thank you to our sponsors that allow
us little time to spend with you each and every week.
Friends at A Corey Diamond and Design, A Cory Diamond

(02:07):
and Design, Aco, r I Billy and Connie Stagner. It's
Christmas time. It's time to uh, time to get it done.
Time's running out. You don't want to run to the mall.
You want to do business with somebody, trust people to
show your values. A Corey Diamond and Design two A
one four A two forty seven fifty five and then

(02:28):
Oopssteam dot Com just came through the Thanksgiving time. Uh,
somebody spilled the gravy. It wasn't me this year, but
somebody spilled the gravy. Uh, and Christmas is coming up,
so you've got to get it all cleaned up for
the next party. Oops. Steam dot com two A one
A two two zero five six' one And Republic Grand
ranch dot com when it's time to buy that uh

(02:50):
little piece Of texas for your dream, home uh dream.
Location Republic Grand. Ranch by the, way if you go
out there in the month Of december and just to
look like you're not ready BY i would just want
to go see what it's all. About they will make
a one hundred dollars donation TO Ptsd foundation Of America
Camp hope just for going out and taking a. Look
so you can donate one hundred dollars without coming out

(03:12):
of your. Pocket Republic Grand ranch dot. Com all, right
we've got an old contankerous guy in here with us,
today so we better get to him real quickly before
he starts going. Off good to see, You Sarah, phillip
our Resident VIETNAM vet staff. Member how are.

Speaker 4 (03:30):
You i'm doing well AND i do resemble that room.
Ark it's interesting to be the oldest guy on campus and.

Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yeah, yeah somebody's got to be.

Speaker 4 (03:40):
It, yeah SO i get Called pappy for a. Reason
i'm glad it's not.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Me, yeah so thank you for being. There you're more.
WELCOME i want to reintroduce yourself to the world other
than the fact that you're A VIETNAM vet and you're on.

Speaker 4 (03:55):
Staff my name Is Philip pickering and originally from The
I'm ailla area currently living here in The houston. Area
and Like Pastor maulsby, said it's, Uh i'm.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
One of the.

Speaker 4 (04:12):
Mentors there At Camp hope and just extremely proud and
thankful for a place Like Camp hope and proud.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
To be part of. It and we're glad you. Are thank, you,
sir very glad. You're in, FACT i had a conversation
with who was. That i've had a couple this week
dealing With vietnam. Vets somebody was telling me they had, uh,
OH i know who exactly who? Was in, fact before
we leave the studio, today we're going to make a

(04:43):
phone call to A vietnam. Vet you AND i, okay all,
right so HOPEFULLY i can get the two of you guys,
connected but somebody we might be able to. Help so
remind me when we were walking out of, here don't
we can't leave till we call one of your. Brothers sounds,
good we need to do. That you take. Off also
in the studio of this today was a guy that's
currently in our program right.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
NOW i want to introduce yourself to the. World oh, yes,
sir thank you for having. Me my name Is Marcus.
Elliott i've been At Camp hope for a little over
three months. Now served in The Army National guard For.
Louisiana i've deployed To, Missoul iraq With Task Force bandit

(05:24):
third and one five Six. INFANTRY i was a machine
gunner in that platune during that. Deployment were you born
and raised In? LOUISIANA i was, whereabouts, well mostly In Lake,
charles but some in The alexandria area also not too
far from, here not Too Lake, charles a couple hours
down It, yeah.

Speaker 2 (05:44):
Yeah, yeah not my favorite. Drive anything on iten is
really not my favorite drive either. Way but, yeah so
it's not not till very. Far. Okay are you a seafood,
guy you like Like cajun seafood or? NO i have
nothing against, It, no, no not on. Me, NO i

(06:06):
just you, know curious what your, uh what your taste buds? Were.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
Well travel in other parts of the. Country the food
In louisiana area is definitely something THAT i.

Speaker 2 (06:17):
Miss it's, unique it's very. Unique you a crawfish.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
GUY i have nothing against, him you have any on.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
YOU i got nothing on me to. EAT i got
nothing on me to eat at. All, sorry but you,
know there's always the drive. Home you never know why
it might happen on the drive, home especially With. Philip
anytime you got A VIETNAM vet driving, AROUND i just
pray for. You you, KNOW i don't know what when
we started all this nonsense back in two thousand and,

(06:48):
nine there was A VIETNAM vet working with us for a.
While great. Guy love him to. Death BUT i always
tell people LIKE i didn't. Serve i've had trauma in my,
life but, nothing you, know, crazy AND i don't HAVE. Ptsd,
however riding around with him driving AND i Think i'm

(07:11):
gonna develop. It he was a fighter pilot and uh,
yeah he had one. Speed uh, yeah he had one.
Speed it was very interesting driving Around houston with, him
SO i learned very. Quickly anytime we were going someplace,
TOGETHER i was, driving uh not. Him uh. Yeah, Anyway Vietnam,
vets we love you. Guys IF i can get. Again
we're gonna be calling one of them as soon as

(07:33):
this show's over all, Right we're gonna take a quick
break and kind of. Regroup we'll come back talk a
little bit With marcus about his story and uh his
time and deployment and uh what happened coming. Home we'll
be back with More road To Hope radio just a,
moment and we welcome you Back road To Hope radio. Again,

(08:14):
reminder you want to just take a look At Republic Grand.
Ranch in the month Of, december one hundred dollars donation
is made by the folks there just for you, visiting so.
Appreciate anyone interested in that, property go out take a
look at it the month Of december and they will
make a donation and helps us keep the lights. On
and it's getting little chili outside some. Folks i'm not

(08:36):
real happy about, it but a little chili. Outside we've
had eight months of, summer so you, know a couple of,
days a little cooler, weather it's gonna be all. RIGHT
i think we're all somehow going to find our way
through it. ALL i don't know how that happens here
in The houston, area but somehow we will make it,
through all. Right we Got, philip two army. Guys philip

(08:58):
served In. Vietnam what you're you there?

Speaker 4 (08:59):
Again there in sixty eight sixty, NINE i was very
much a mere. CHILD i just want to throw that out,
there poor. Guy, YEAH i turned twenty and twenty one In.
Vietnam SO i was, like, yeah there's got to be
a better.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
Way, yeah, yeah let's spend the rest of these birthdays
somewhere else, exactly and so here you, are, yes, sir,
OH i could just get to celebrate them At Camp
hope with a bunch of other as a matter of,
fact coming up in just a few days. Unfortunately, really,
yep what day you want me to really admit how

(09:37):
OLD i? AM i? Do? Okay at some point you
you're supposed to be proud of, it, RIGHT i, mean oh,
yeah that's Why i've got white. Hair.

Speaker 4 (09:44):
Yeah december twenty, Third i'll turn seventy. Seven all, right that's.
Awesome i'm still vertical and ventilating absolutely and giving your
wife a difficult. Time, yeah it'll be thirty seven years
on the eleventh Of. December, yeah we have a lot
of gratit to give her for helping you find Us
she's managed to not kill me at this, point so we're.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
Hopeful, yeah got a. Future, yes, SURE i like. IT
i like. It we also Have Marcus Army National Guard.
Louisiana all, right so did you what what was high
school like for you In? Louisiana what was was your? Thing?

Speaker 3 (10:23):
You football, player basketball or? Something, no, HONESTLY i was
kind of a.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
Nerd.

Speaker 3 (10:29):
Okay, YEAH i like to, read AND i was involved
in baseball there for a, while but not nothing, great nothing.
Remarkable couldn't hit the. Curve, YEAH i just was really

(10:52):
wasn't a sports.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
Guy, okay. Gotcha so you're a? Nerd, yeah ish ish
like books and ALL i do computers. Somewhat. Okay so
those guys always make me a little. Nervous why is?
That because they start tinking around and things they shouldn't
be tinkering around. It i've had many friends kids getting

(11:17):
in trouble all the, time not because they were hurting
anyone or doing anything saying. Anything they were figuring out
how to break through the school's firewall and mess with
their stuff.

Speaker 4 (11:31):
Better if you're a, nerd chances are you're going to
end up going to work for.

Speaker 2 (11:35):
Them oh, no, no, no. Doubt, Yes, yeah there are people
you want to. Hire you want them on your, side
not on the other. Side, yeah, absolutely all, Right so
high school did you go straight to The? Guard what'd
you do after high? School H?

Speaker 3 (11:50):
No actually my father was a contractor growing, up and
he had a heart, attack which he, survived but he
wasn't able to, work so out of high SCHOOL i
actually ended up dropping. Out to keep the lights, ON
i took a little job at a landscaping company there
locally and worked there to take care of us for a.

Speaker 2 (12:10):
While, Okay then why did you join The?

Speaker 3 (12:15):
Guard actually it was another employee there WHERE i was
working that was looking at enlisting in The, army and
landscaping is hot and hard and miserable, work especially In. Louisiana,
yeah it sounded. Good it sounded. Good they were given
sign on bonuses at the, time and AS i investigated

(12:39):
a little more into, it it certainly looked like Something
i'd be interested in.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
Doing how long were you in The? Guard six years? Altogether?
Okay and when'd you sign? Up that would have been
two thousand and, eight, eight all, right and you'd employed
fairly soon after that, Then, yes the.

Speaker 3 (12:56):
End of, NINE i pretty much signed, up went TO
uh basic in infantry, school and came home and it
was right then my unit was going into pre mobilization.
Training so there were several months of that and then
we flew on over.

Speaker 2 (13:12):
There, YEAH soh eight o. Nine we were, very very
heavily involved over. There so you kind of had to
assume you were signing up you're going to be sent over. Up, presume, yes,
SIR i.

Speaker 3 (13:23):
WAS i was aware THAT i was deploying in my
contract WHEN i signed.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
Up is that what you?

Speaker 3 (13:27):
WANTED i didn't see any point in signing up and,
not you, know not good doing the real.

Speaker 2 (13:31):
Thing, yeah, okay all, right so machine, gunner, yes, sir
doesn't seem a fit for the. Nerd but how'd we land? There,
well that's not a job or a mos in the.
MILITARY i was an Eleven, charlie which is a mortarman
but it's also. Infantry BUT i was, Selected, YEAH i

(13:54):
was selected for a gunner's. Position whenever they kind of
figure who's sure who's going to be place where with
the aces in their, places as they, Say, philip did
you did you blow stuff? Up DID i blow stuff?
Up every CHANCE i?

Speaker 4 (14:12):
Got, unfortunately sur unfortunately part of my training was ALSO
EEO d so oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Okay, yeah obviously two very different scenarios between The vietnam And,
iraq different terrain and all that kind of. Stuff Uh
so you deployed in, nine late on. Nine how long
were you?

Speaker 3 (14:39):
THERE i came off of acted through the orders and
was Stateside january of.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
Eleven, Okay so give me a typical day in the
life while you were. Deployed not that there's typical in a,
war but it's kind of an ebb and. Flow, well
there were several gun truck, teams usually six or, seven
along with a recovery, vehicle a large record because nobody

(15:09):
else is going to pick up our gun trucks but,
us and each of us had a set and you'd
be assigned in a schedule. Routine you may have several
days on on the road doing convoy, SECURITY qrf whatever
else they have for, you and then every now and
then you might get a day. Off WHEN i first got,

(15:33):
THERE i was moved into A conex and that was our.
House it's just the connect with the air conditioned unit
in the front door built into, it AND i was
happy to see.

Speaker 3 (15:42):
It after being moved around from one camp to the.
Other it's it's quite a process just getting, there moving
all those men and. Everything as a gunner In, mozoul
just getting out of the gate was a pretty stressful.
THING i, mean it's far from something you'd see on

(16:04):
A rambo, movie but you had to be very, forceful sometimes,
cruel to get people out of your way so that
we could get out there and do our. Mission you,
know a lot of, that even though discharging of my
weapon was. INVOLVED i don't even really classify as. Combat it's,

(16:25):
just you, know getting people out of the, way and
this is just getting onto the. Street you, Know i'm
having to fire my weapon just to get out. There
so at any point on the route there's the fear
of getting hit by AN. Id there's any vehicle that approaches.
Me it was pretty much up to me to decide

(16:48):
whether it was a thread or, not because there's no
way to just keep every vehicle. Back so there was
quite a bit of responsibility as a gunner because IF
i hesitated or or made the wrong, decision it could
cost the guys in my truck and in my team
well a lot for.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
Sure so let me get this. Straight you're saying That
rambo's not exactly. Realistic i'm not necessarily saying. That no, no, no,
OKAY i just. CHECKING i just you, know check it.

Speaker 3 (17:22):
Out nothing against all The, rambo of.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
Course not, no no. No this is no slam On.
Rambo no. No not intended a reminder we know as
we go through these, stories some of these things can be.
Triggering eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy
three is our combat trauma crisis. LINE a combat veteran
will answer the phone for These please please please put
this number in your. Phone eight seven seven seven one

(17:45):
seven seventy eight seventy. Three even if it's something you'll never,
use you might come across someone who does need the.
Number eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy.
Three we're right back and we're welcoming back road To Hope.

(18:12):
Radio glad to have you along with. Us Scott, PHILLIP,
Uh United States ARMY, Vet vietnam Veteran Marcus Army National,
Guard louisiana deployment To, Mosul iraq AND uh talking a
little bit about your. Deployment we won't get too deep into,
that but kind of gave us an idea of what

(18:34):
your typical day was clearly you had a lot of.
Responsibility you were making some decisions that was going to
be life critical for the guys that are around. You
as you look back on the deployment a little over yere, Thereabouts,
yeah what? What what are the things that stick out

(18:58):
to you right? Now there are a couple of memories
that stick. Out there was this area known As Hesco,
alley and anybody who's ever rolled that route will know

(19:18):
exactly Where Hesco alley. Is and there was always this
anxiety as far as you could consider being laid back
as a, gunner you were kind of laid back until
you got To Hesco alley and you would get in
there and everybody be on their. Toes but when we
get out and turn right To Bob, spiker more than

(19:41):
likely you were going to receive some sort of. Contact
and this is basically every. Time there was one occasion
where A rpg was fired from my left side and
went right eye level with, me And i've never seen,
one and it was, nighttime SO i just looked at
it with childlike. WONDER i don't want to see, One
like it was A roman candle or something like what was?

(20:02):
That but, no it had we been going one mile
an hour, faster or if he had fired one second,
sooner it would have hit me right in the. Helmet
as small arms fire on one. Occasion so for the
most part they Use soviet style, weapons Right ak forty
sevens and so on and so. Forth so they got

(20:23):
this big kind of our version of a fifty cow
called a, dishka and they were pretty.

Speaker 3 (20:29):
Fond of using those on. Us and they were firing
on our, convoy and we assume they hit THE jp eight,
tanker which is like a fuel tanker ahead of, us
and it made the road slick his, ice and we
were riding around AN m, wrap which is a sixty
seventy pound armored, vehicle AND i recall us hitting, that

(20:53):
AND i remember the driver and the truck commander saying
expletives down there because the driver couldn't, Steer so we
slid for several hundred feet and the whole while we're taking,
fire and the front tire caught the edge of the
road and we flipped end over, end and when we

(21:18):
finally stopped, rolling you, know it was like the whole
washing machine from. Hell. THING i was facing the contact
stuck in my harness and. EVERYTHING i lost. Consciousness it's
likely WHERE i got my dramatic brain injury. From AND
i remember feeling completely just. Helpless there is you, know receiving.

(21:41):
Contact bullets are. FLYING i don't know what shape the
other two guys are. In, afterward they they THOUGHT i
was dead Because i'm you, know from the waist up
sticking out of the top of the. Truck how do
you survive that rolling? Around i'll tell you. How you
scream like a chimpanzee and hold on really. TIGHT i shouldn't, Left, okay,

(22:05):
No i'm it's all, right but. No that was that
was the moment that you, know it's, like, hey these
guys are really trying to kill. Me they're really trying
to kill my. Friends they're really trying to kill. Me you,
know went up until that point where had HAD i
d encounters and you, know taking small arms fire And
i'd returned, fire and it it wasn't until that moment where,

(22:28):
like you, know these guys really want me, dead they
want my friends, dead and that that changed my attitude after.
THAT i, was of course injured during, that AND i
was supposed to be on forty five days bed rest
and within ten, DAYS i had went to the medical
officer there At missoul and requested to get back out

(22:51):
there BECAUSE i WAS i was. ANGRY i was just
laying there thinking about, it AND i was. Angry and you,
know i'd seen another one of my friends his truck
got hit and he he luckily survived, it you. KNOW
i saw the truck AND i just remember this rage filling,
me you.

Speaker 2 (23:04):
Know and SO i was.

Speaker 3 (23:07):
Even volunteering as a, dismount kind of like an extra,
guy just riding in the back on missions THAT i
didn't even have to go on BECAUSE i was just.
MAD i was, mad and in that, environment anger was
more useful than you, know being frozen up with. Fear
SO i THINK i lashed onto that as a way

(23:29):
of dealing with.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
It.

Speaker 2 (23:30):
Gotcha, SO, tbi how long after did they diagnose she
WAS tbi.

Speaker 3 (23:40):
Of the someone in THE va after me being there,
repeatedly AND i GUESS i must have told him something
close to the same STORY i just told. YOU i
think it was around twenty. Fifteen SO i walked around
a good five. Years, yeah not really even knowing about.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
It, Right So i'm just curious BECAUSE i know some
of the GUYS i worked with early on two thousand
and nine twenty ten that HAD TBIs. It it was
a very apparent they really didn't know what to do about.
It one of the guys that were trying some special

(24:19):
kind of eyeglasses and see if that would. Help have they?
IMPROVED i, mean are they doing much for you in
regard to THE tbi. Itself, so and this is just
speaking from my experience with. It there's no direct treatment
for it other than making you aware of what's going

(24:41):
on with you and trying, to you, know take steps
to mitigate. That mine's, Migrains my depth perception will get
a little messed. Up SOMETIMES i can't remember. DIRECTIONS i
can go somewhere several times AND i can't remember HOW
i got, there even THOUGH i. Should and it also

(25:02):
affects impulse, control emotional, regulation, rage things like, that especially
in the frontal area WHERE i have. Mine. Absolutely, yeah
we've had guys at. TIMES i mean they went through
probably thousands of sticky. Notes, well they were in the
program just where they needed to, be what they needed

(25:25):
to be. Doing there's just sticky notes. Everywhere that's just
kind of how they had to. Operate SO i just
look anything else kind of different levels of dealing with such.
Things all, right so you come, home it's four or
five years before you get that kind of. Diagnosis when

(25:46):
were you diagnosed WITH? Ptsd is that THE?

Speaker 1 (25:49):
Va?

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Also, YES i don't remember the exact. YEAR i think
it was about twenty. Twelve early early, ON i came
home and started drinking pretty, heavily and of course didn't
realize what was going on with my mental, health the

(26:10):
whole military mentality Of i'm, fine nothing's wrong with. Me
even if there, Was i'm not gonna tell. You AND
i started getting into, trouble violence with different, places even domestic,
situations tearing the house, down scaring, everybody raging, out, drinking
and of course that led to some legal, involvement and

(26:34):
my mother actually ended up suggesting THAT, i you, know
maybe there's something wrong with. You maybe you should go
check that. Out and at FIRST i really wasn't quite
that sure of. It but the more they listed off
the symptoms and is this happening to, you and does
this affect? You and do you experience, this, well, YEAH i,
Do so it turned out THAT i THAT i fit

(26:57):
the picture pretty.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
Well. Philip that's the story we hear all the, time
right all, day every, Day, yes, sir of.

Speaker 4 (27:07):
Course the one main thing is is each individual is each.
Individual it, affects you, know different guys different. Ways most
of the guys that have, tbi's they figure out that
they have to work just that much harder to maintain

(27:28):
some kind of sanity for lack of a better, word.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
And be able to cope with life in. General, yeah
AND i gave out our phone number little while ago
eight seven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy Three
Combat Trauma Crisis. Line but if you'd like more information
on the programs that we offer at THE Ptsd foundation Of,
america both the what do you call it in residential

(27:56):
for lack of a better, term At Camp HOPE, uh
as well as our support groups that we run across
the country and also virtually so you can be literally
inneryware in the world and jump on one of our
virtual support. Groups we also run support groups for the
family because it's very. Important just like for your wife
to understand what was going, on it's very important for

(28:17):
them to also have a support. System so we have
groups both for the veteran and for the. Family all
that information can be seen on our WEBSITE ptsd Post
Traumatic Stress DISORDER ptsdusa dot. Org also really encourage you
to follow us through social, Media, facebook, YouTube and THE

(28:38):
x machine formerly known As, TWITTER PTSD, USA PTSD, usa
AND Ptsd foundation Of america on The. Instagram all, right
take a quick break News for those of you listening
on THE, kprc we be write back and we welcome

(29:11):
you back road To Hope. Radio So philip talking a
little bit about his reintegration and not only THE ptsd
but also THE, tbi the anger of the. Alcohol that
type of thing began in eleven, right yes', Right so

(29:32):
you got to us in twenty. Five So i'm not
great at, math BUT i think that's around fourteen, years
which is a long. Time but THEN i think about
guys like you and the guy that we're gonna call
here in just a few. Minutes it was five decades
of carrying that. Around. Yeah it.

Speaker 4 (29:52):
Each one of, us you, know kind of coped in
our own. Way most of, us in a lot of,
ways don't even realize we've got a.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
Problem AND.

Speaker 4 (30:04):
I MEAN i went THROUGH i DON'T i don't even
want to stop and think about how many JOBS i
went through for whatever. Reason the one job THAT i
felt the most comfortable with was driving a truck cross.
Country semi isolation.

Speaker 2 (30:21):
Is the worst thing in the. World, yeah semi.

Speaker 4 (30:24):
ISOLATION i only had to deal with like three different
groups of people and only for a short period of,
time and the rest of the TIME i had, to you,
know concentrate on doing what they had hired me. For
and it wasn't UNTIL covid hit THAT i started having
to live with myself and my wife was, like you need,

(30:47):
help and the magic word being, Oh i'm, Fine and
of course we know.

Speaker 2 (30:52):
What that stands. For we're all.

Speaker 4 (30:53):
Fine, yeah, frustrated, insecure, neurotic and. Explosive, No i'm. Fine
and it took several months for to convince, me and
then she started the, paperwork and about two weeks, LATER
i was At Camp hope right just AS covid was,
ending as far As Camp hope, goes and WHEN i

(31:16):
walked in the, door they were, like, oh, no we've
got an old guy here and we don't want to kill.
Him so they isolated me And i'm, like somebody tell
me what's going.

Speaker 2 (31:26):
On. Yeah code was a wonderful. Time we all wanted
to live through that. Again oh, yeah that was, Ridiculous.
Marcus for you what led you to realizing you needed
to find some kind of something beyond what you were

(31:47):
trying to do and just coping by, yourself, well just
the complete inability to maintain anything close to a normal.
LIFE i would do okay for a while in binding,
work OR i didn't do pretty well on the, job

(32:09):
but it would always BE i couldn't quit, drinking OR
i would have to drink to go to, sleep So
i'm missing, work and NOW i ended up losing that.
Job and it developed into this image of this internal
image of you, know not only AM, i you, know
affected from my deployment and their experiences, there But I'm

(32:30):
i'm bad at being a. Civilian and it led to,
this you, know. Hopelessness AND.

Speaker 3 (32:36):
I actually have two suicide, attempts one of WHICH i
didn't even realize was a suicide attempt until the doctor told.
Me it was, basically drove a vehicles as fast as
it would go and let go of the wheel for.
Fun but that was the thinking at the. Time and you,
know just at some POINT i just kind of gave.

(32:58):
Up and IF i was going to name a concept
or something that's helped ME i believe THAT i was terminally.
UNIQUE i thought that my problems and my issue is
not that nobody else had experienced anything like, me but
the way that they pertained to me and the way

(33:19):
THAT i processed. Them there was no help out. There
there was no way that anybody could get through to.
Me and being in and out OF va treatment, PROGRAMS
i THINK i had become professionally treatment resistant at some.
Point so through this is PROBABLY i lost. Count it
may be in the teens of treatment Facilities i've been,

(33:41):
through and this has by far been the best. One,
well it was the most recent suicide.

Speaker 2 (33:46):
Tempt how long? AGO i don't need you to walk
me through, it but just how long ago was?

Speaker 3 (33:50):
IT i want to, say early twenty. Twelve, oh so
both of them were fairly soon after getting home relatively. Speaking,
okay how'd you hear About Camp? HOPE i had had
to check into a treatment facility here In houston Called West,

(34:12):
oaks and there was another resident there that told me
about this.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
Place so when you hear about, that what's your thought
when you hear About Camp? Hope whatever he told you about,
it what was your reaction to?

Speaker 3 (34:27):
That, well there were several guys there that had been
sent From Camp. Hope, yeah they got to go through
the rehab, first, right and they had mixed opinions on.
IT i thought it sounded longer THAN i wanted to,
do BUT i had been through sixty and ninety day
programs before and it had never really facilitated the change

(34:49):
THAT i was looking, for, because you, know what changed
me to begin with happened over, time and to think
that that can be corrected or in a short amount
of time really doesn't make.

Speaker 2 (35:02):
Sense so.

Speaker 3 (35:05):
While it's longer THAN i think anybody would really want
to do away from home with their family or or
for whatever, REASON i think the length of it is
a big key to why it's working for, me and you,
know developing those habits AND i can take them into
the world and or they're just part of me and
not some STUFF i heard in a class and some
papers That i'm going to put in a folder and forget.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
About, yeah so you're already touching on. That just expound
on that a little. More what is changing for you your?
Mindset what's different about your attitude today versus six months
ago when you were At West.

Speaker 3 (35:39):
Oaks, well, FIRST i identified that at some point during my,
DEPLOYMENT i created this belief and this image compounded by
an image of myself compounded by the actual stress of,
it That i'm a, dangerous, trained you, know, type trigger

(36:10):
puller kind of. Guy AND i THINK i really brought
that mentality home with me along with WHAT i didn't
realize was the hypervigilance and the feeling of there's always
some kind of danger around THAT i have to be ready.
For and you put those two things, together and it
didn't work out for well for, me AND i drank
and used drugs to try and mitigate, it to try

(36:31):
to be normal and. Function AND i think just recognizing
that THAT i was operating under this narrative of this
is WHO i, am this is HOW i messed, up
this is this is HOW i am, now AND i
didn't really think THAT i believed that that could be,
changed AND i didn't look at it as a just

(36:52):
a STORY i was telling myself on top of the
actual trauma and the problems THAT i had had that
came from an external, source.

Speaker 1 (37:01):
You.

Speaker 3 (37:01):
Know it is my own internal narrative telling me THAT
i couldn't get, help or THAT i would never, change
or that it was the world's fault, somehow and so
that's been a big. Shift what are you looking forward?
To what AM i looking forward to going home to
my family very? Much so SOMEHOW i take no. Credit

(37:23):
in the past few. Years i've managed to keep some
people THAT i really care about in my life here,
recently AND i don't want to mess that.

Speaker 1 (37:32):
Up.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
Good they're supportive of what you're doing right.

Speaker 3 (37:35):
Now, yes, Sir i'm very very thankful for.

Speaker 2 (37:37):
Them so if there's nothing like, that the guys that
have it at camp hope much better chance of succeeding
going forward than the guys that don't have that sort at.

Speaker 4 (37:49):
Home, well even to a certain, extent even with guys
that are having problems with significant. Others it's the one
thing about our program being between six and nine months.
Long the significant others start to see the change and

(38:10):
they start to recognize, that, hey you, know something good
is going on.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
Here and.

Speaker 4 (38:19):
The one thing THAT i try to tell my guys
THAT i deal with that.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
You take you with you wherever you, go and.

Speaker 4 (38:30):
Just because you're doing well does not always mean that
your significant other is going to be a.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
Help, absolutely and unfortunately the clock has ring out on.
Us but thank, You Philip, Margus thank you for sharing
some of your story ptsdusa dot. Org wherever you listen to,
podcasts look For road To hope is hundreds of stories
ptsd usa dot. Org thanks for being with, us look
forward to being with you again next week for more
Of road To, Hope Bringing

Speaker 1 (39:01):
Never in, ams