Frito Bandito

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Your holster is way more important than you think it is.
It's just way more important than you think it is.
What look, and I get that. The holsters not the
sexy part of carrying firearms. All right, You want to
talk about your weapon and your ammunition. You want to
talk about your safety training. You want to talk about
how you did at the range. Oh, look at my groups.
I was doing these failure drills today, and all that

(00:21):
stuff is really important. I mean, really really important. I'm
not discounting that, but I've known so many people who
do all those things. They take all the necessary steps
and then they carry with a holster they bought from
a big box hunting store that was made a thousand
at a time. Please don't put your life in one
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(00:44):
because it's all custom made gear. It's the only thing
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percent off. This is a Jesse Kelly Show. Yes it isn't.

(01:21):
Ask doctor Jesse Thursday here on the Jesse Kelly Show.
I'm gonna do the best I can to turn down
the energy just a little bit because I'm excited. I'm
excited about the history story. You have me excited with
these absurdly good questions you sent in today. It is

(01:44):
the Jesse Kelly Show eight seven seven three seven seven
four three seven three Jesse at Jesse Kelly show dot
Com for you new people. Yes, I realize it's a
political show. I open every single day with a history story,
no matter what, without fail. I then normally move into

(02:06):
politics normally, but the eye can get distracted and often
do telling stupid stories and answering questions and doing things
like that that happens in the normal show. However, on Fridays,
usually Fridays, it's an ask Doctor Jesse Day, where I
take the whole show after the history story, and I

(02:30):
just answer your questions. What kind of questions. Well, here's
a brief sample of what we will be going over
today about an hour from now. One mom wants to
know whether she should take her son to Hooters or
Church's Chicken and what to order. I'm about to blow
you away with that one too. What does the world

(02:54):
look like if Britain joins Germany in World War One? Three?
Who would win? Spearman or a t Rex. Like I said,
the questions get heavy, and how many years do we
have before we are a full blown communist. I'm going
to answer all these questions today on the Jesse Kelly Show.

(03:15):
But first let's rewind and tell a little story about
ancient Rome. We are going back to Rome before Christ
fifty sixty seventy years before Christ. This is way before
Chris's people killed him. We are going back to a

(03:38):
time of Julius Caesar, of Crassus, of Pompey, Pompey the Great,
Pompy Magnus. Now we're going to pause before we go
over Rome because I have to set up the opponent
they're going to be facing today. Alexander the Great needs

(03:59):
no introduction, and great conqueror took over everything and then
promptly died right away, died right away, thirty two thirty
three years old. When he died, there were endless battles
and squabblings and assassinations over who got his empire? How
did it end? Well, a bunch of people got it.

(04:19):
His powerful generals all basically split the place up, and
one of the most powerful was the Seleucids. It's the
Seleucid empire, very very cool empire. We'll go over them
again at some point in time. The Seleucid Empire. All
you need to know is just think Iran. It was
bigger than that, but just think that's that's what we're

(04:41):
talking about. Mesopotamia on the northern part of Iran. The
northern part of the Salucid Empire was the Asian step.
We have gone over this before. Asian step. If you
want to draw a big fat line from east to
west across Asia right through the middle of it, that's

(05:06):
considered the step, and historically forever that area produces nasty warriors.
Genghis Khan that's where he came from. Attila the Hun
that's where he came from. It produces horse archers, nomadic
horse archers who, when they're organized with a good leader,

(05:29):
are virtually unbeatable in battle. You don't you don't believe me,
ask the Salucids. At one point a bunch of horse
archers came storming into the to the northern part of
their empire and just took a big part of it.
Horse archers. They then proceeded, over the coming years to

(05:50):
gobble up virtually the entire Salucid empire. This became what
we know as Parthia. By the way, just the little
preview of what may be coming today. You know Genghis
Khan until at the time, like I said, they were
horse archers and they were famous. Their armies were famous
for their horse archers appearing to retreat, riding away from

(06:14):
you as you charge at them, but then turning around
and firing absurdly accurate and powerful arrows behind them. That
was known as the Parthian shot. Why do you think
that is? You're about to find out today, Oh little
little water cooler trivia for you here, you can act

(06:37):
smart with all your co workers. That got turned into
the parting shot that we know today. That came from
the Parthian shot. That's to take a shot at somebody
as you walk away. Anyway, be that as it may.
The Parthian Empire rises and they become a powerful empire.
They're trading with the Chinese. Things are going well. But

(07:01):
as all powerful empires do, they begin to stumble once
things got too good, assassinations, squabbling, they were. They were
heading into some hard times. But still horse archers, powerful,
very powerful. Let's pause and go to Rome. Now this

(07:23):
part I'm going to try to get through as fast
as possible. It's just that this part gets complicated. Rome
at this point in time was flexing its muscle east
a little bit. This is the period when when Julius
Caesar is up in Gaul. This is the period where
they're expanding north. They start to look east towards places

(07:47):
like Pontus and Parthia and say to themselves, I mean,
how much trouble would it be to just go over
there and take some of it. Look at all the
money and power they have. We are Rome, We are
by far the best military power in the world, the
greatest country in the world at the moment. Why wouldn't
we just don't take it? And before you look down

(08:13):
on Rome for this way of thinking, One, remember, conquering
is the history of the world. That's the way people think. Two,
they weren't wrong about being so much better than everyone
else militarily. At this point this had been we're talking,
it had been a hundred years before Rome had lost

(08:34):
or since Rome had lost a significant battle. They were
just used to trapsing those legions out in the field
and steamrolling people. Why wouldn't we go a little bit
further east? Which brings us to our subject today. It's
actually not a story about Julius Caesar. It's not even

(08:55):
really a story about Pompey Magnus. It's a story about
a man named as one of, if not the richest
men to ever live. In today's dollars, he would have
been a billionaire. Now, what was Crassus's history before this point,
before he joins up with Caesar and Pompey. His history
was different. Rome at one point had a guy in

(09:19):
charge named Sala who fought a big civil war in Rome,
killed a bunch of Romans in order to get back
to the Roman Republic the way it should be. Crassus
was a very accomplished general during this time. Historically, people
look at Crassus and say to themselves, what an idiot.
I can't believe he blew Grassius was an outstanding general

(09:42):
at this time. Now, he was also a little bit
of a scumbag, I mean an extreme scumbag. You see Sala. Sala,
once he took power, did this thing called prescriptions where
he would simply put a list up in the town
square of everybody he wanted murdered, and then people would

(10:03):
go murder them and bring their heads back so Sala
could pay them. Oftentimes, Sala's prescriptions simply were for rich
people whose lands he wanted to seize for himself and
his friends. Crassus made himself just a little bit of
money during this time. And actually that's not the worst

(10:24):
thing Crassus did for money. We'll go over that and
then we'll go into our battle here. Before we get
to our questions, hang on, this is a Jesse Kelly show.

(10:49):
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(12:12):
how much time do we have before we're full blown communist?
And what do you order at Church's Chicken? I will
tackle these two equally important items today on a rare ask,
doctor Jesse. Thursday. We're doing it on Thursday this week
because I am out tomorrow. B K will be filling in.

(12:34):
I have to go do some fancy thing I'm not
allowed to talk about yet. I will fill you in
on Monday. You have my word eight seven seven three
seven seven four three seven three Jesse at Jesse Kelly
show dot com. Don't forget if you miss any part
of the show. You can download the whole thing on iHeart, Google, Spotify,

(12:58):
and iTunes. On iTunes, leave a five star rating, leave
a review talking about how handsome I am. All right,
back to our story here, Salah as he's giving these prescriptions,
and his prescriptions are lists of people he once murdered,

(13:21):
and people are dying. Crassus, who is already very wealthy,
is the one taking advantage of it. And oh, yes,
I think I will buy this farm. Turns out the
owner he doesn't need it anymore. And that's not the
worst thing he did. The worst thing he did was
most certainly this. He had his own construction crew. Nothing

(13:43):
wrong with that. Good for you. I grew up in construction.
He also had his own fire department. There wasn't some
government run fire department. He had his own. He would
sometimes wait for a building to be on fire, sometimes
have his people set a building on fire that maybe

(14:06):
he wanted to acquire. He then would take his fire
department and walk up to the owner who's standing in
the street watching his house burn, and say, I would
like to give you some money for that. I mean,
of course, it's gonna be half what it's worth. And
the owner would either a freak out and say it's

(14:27):
worth way more than that. Screw you put it out,
and then Crassis would say no, I don't think I
will and watch it burn all the way to the ground,
or the owner would have to hang his head except
his half price offer, and then Crassis would turn loose
his fire brigade to put out the fire and the
home he just purchased for half price, then would have

(14:50):
his construction crew come right in and refurbish the house
and take care of any fire damage that had happened.
So we're not talking about a great person here. Just
be clear about that. Life gets complicated, Chris. I see
the admiration you have right now, and I want you
to know you're a bad person. You should see Jewish
producer Chris over there trying to feel bad about this

(15:12):
guy's way of making money. That's just wrong, Chris. No, Chris,
that does not count as being a savvy businessman. That
is no. No. But Chris says he identified the holes
in the market and he's feeling it. There's something wrong
with you, okay. He also, again, this story is always

(15:34):
told like Crassus is some rich, bumbling idiot who was
great at business but had never led armies. I already
told you about the army he led during Sula's Civil War.
He also was the one you know the movie Spartacus,
the Spartacus Rebellion, the third slave revolt in Rome, the
big one. Don't undersell that that slave army was a

(15:56):
juggernaut and they were slaughtering entire Roman armies. Spartacus was
an outstanding military commander. He was so good. People think
that he was probably a powerful general at the nation
he was in before he got taken as a slave
and made a gladiator. I mean, the dude was really,
really good. Crassus was the one who built an army

(16:17):
and went and put that army down. Crassus did that,
which brings us to the triumvirate. What is the triumvirate?
If you study ancient room at all for any period
of time, you will hear it. There were others that
came after it, just no, this was the first one.
So it's often called the first triumvirate because it was first. Chris,
you might have figured that out already. Yeah, look, I

(16:39):
like to inform people that was Julius Caesar, Pompy Magnus,
and Crassus. Why did they get together, Well, it's not
like they were best buddies at all. In fact, Pompey
Magnus and Crassus flat out hated each other. But they
realized they had acquired many of the same enemies in Rome,

(17:01):
very very powerful enemies, and they were going to get
taken out if they didn't do something. And they also realized,
if us three joined together, we all of a sudden
are by far the most powerful entity in Rome, and
nobody can touch us. So they joined together and make

(17:21):
their own government essentially well guide the Roman government doing
whatever they want to do. For twenty years, they just
rule Rome together. What's the deal in this? Who gets what?
Julius Caesar was fighting an absurdly powerful, popular, profitable war
in Gaul. He's taking over France. Remember the reason it

(17:45):
was profitable, like we talked about yesterday, a big reason
it was profitable were the slaves. He was just acquiring
slaves by the million. He's just piling up slaves. So
Caesar's up there getting rich and powerful. Caesar, because of
the Triumvirate, essentially gets permission to go continue his war
and golf for another five years, just filling up his

(18:07):
bank account. What does Pompey Magnus get. Pompey Magnus gets
Spain gets to control the Roman armies and the Mediterranean.
What does Crassus get? Crassus gets to make war whenever
he wants, which is a big deal back then. And
Crassus gets the East. The East was already known to

(18:28):
be a really, really wealthy, powerful place. And Crassus starts
to look east pretty much immediately, and he looks at
this place called Parthia, and in Crassus's defense, because everyone
has twenty twenty hindsight and makes the guy out to
be an incompetent boob, Crassis he thought Parthia looked really weak.

(18:54):
And Parthia did look really weak. You have backstabbing and assassinations,
and it's a crumbling empire. But it's a crumbling empire
sitting on a pot of gold. How could I not
go after Parsia? Right? What are they gonna do? Take
on us? So Crassus raises seven legions, another thing he

(19:15):
got permission to do, raising legion on his own. Remember,
whenever someone brings up a legion, you just need to
think five thousand men. It wasn't always that exactly that,
but it's generally roughly five thousand men. That's a legion.
He raised seven of them. He also grabs his son,
who had been fighting from fighting with Julius Caesar on

(19:37):
Julius Caesar's side, not fighting Julius Caesar, been fighting Julius Caesar.
His son was a great cavalry Commander Krastus raises his
legions and then tells Caesar, I need my son. His
son's name was Publius, and he has a role to
play in this story as well. Publius rides south to
go hang out with pop and take his cavalry into

(19:59):
battle with his father onto glory. So here we have
crasses with pretty much forty thousand men. The exact numbers
disputed about thirty five thousand heavy heavy Roman infantry five
thousand Roman cavalry. Now we have to discuss the Roman
infantry for a moment. I'm not going to nerd out

(20:21):
on the details too much. I don't want you falling
asleep behind the wheel before we get to our ask
doctor Jesse questions. But there is something you do have
to know because it matters for our story. Rome conquered
the world with heavy infantry. They were the heavy infantry
people of all time. They had perfected it, absolutely perfected it. Shields, spears, armor, sword,

(20:51):
and discipline like you can't possibly imagine. I know you're
picturing a movie probably Gladiator at this point in time,
but that's real Roman units. They never fought as individuals. Ever,
they were always linked with absurd disciplined, shields locked together,
shields and front shields on the side, shields overhead. They

(21:14):
could follow commands immediately on the battlefield. It's why Rome
routinely was absurdly outnumbered in one virtually every time except
maybe this time, we will go over that. And then
they asked doctor Jesse questions, Wake up and text, Text

(21:51):
and eat, Text and catch the bus, Text and miss here,
stop wait, wait, Text and be late to work sorry.
Text and work, Text and pretend to work, text and
x surprised when someone calls you out for not working.

(22:13):
Text and meet up with a friend you haven't seen
in forever. Text and complain that they're on their phone
the whole time. Text and listen to them, complain that
you're on your phone the whole time. Text and whatever.
But when you get behind the wheel, give your phone
to a passenger, put it in the glove box. Just

(22:34):
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(23:08):
wants to know how to convince his wife that men
ripping on each other is how men relate to each other.
I'm going to explain that phenomenon here shortly, but first
before I get to my ask, doctor Jesse questions, we
have to try to finish our story about Crassus and Parthia.

(23:32):
Crassus sees Parthia as being weak. They're backstabbing each other's sons,
are assassinating their fathers to take the throne, then fighting
each other. It's a disaster, so that's not good. Crassus
builds his legions, seven of them, grabs his son Publius
with the cavalry, and heads east. Now Parthia gets word

(23:58):
than an invasion is coming, and they begin to make preparations.
When this story is told, people often simplify this story
and say crass Is walked in there and then matter
and then it didn't work. That's not true at all.
And one more thing before we continue on, one more

(24:20):
thing about the Roman legions, about the heavy infantry. The
reason they were so unstoppable, obviously is their discipline in
their armor, in their shields. But you should know it
was routine for them to square off against people who
shot arrows and through rocks with slings and through spears,

(24:41):
and it was routine for them to withstand all that
because all their shields were locked. They even had this
formation called the testudo. You've probably seen it in movies before,
where their shields are locked in the front and overhead,
so you can't shoot an arrow up in land on them.
There is essentially an impenetrable turtle, and and it's very

(25:04):
it's it's unstoppable. It had always been unstoppable. Grassis marches
into Parthia, promptly meets with a rag tag Parthian army
they threw together, it wasn't really an official one, and
he crushes them. He then moves on. There are a

(25:24):
bunch of cities there that come right over to Crassus,
and so this is going pretty much exactly his plan.
There was one city that held out, and they actually
acted like they were going to be friendly, and they
let a bunch of Roman troops in and then they
promptly sealed the gates and slaughtered them. And then Crassus
went down and burned the city to the ground and

(25:45):
killed every man, woman and child. That is generally not
a good idea to knife a Roman in the back.
And that was the first year of this campaign. It
all went perfectly. Crassis retires to winter colds. The history
of the world is a history of weather. You and
I don't think about it as much because we all

(26:07):
live work in worship. I shouldn't say all we live
work in worship in climate controlled environments. Now, that's just
what we do, So you don't think about whether they
didn't generally campaign in the winter back then. But it's
all going well. But while Crassis is in his winter quarters,
Parthia gets their affairs in order. A man takes over,

(26:31):
gets everything organized, and he appoints himself a general who
turned out to be a very, very capable man, a
man by the name of Serainus Soranus gathers his army
and he has something planned for Crassus. Crassus marches on

(26:51):
the year ends. It's time to get going again. Crassis
takes his previously unstoppable Roman legions in his Roman cavalry
and they march out, forty thousand of them. Crassis does
get some bad information about the route he should take.
He asked somebody, Hey, which way should I go? You're

(27:14):
gonna be my guide. The guy guides them in a
way that happens to be perfect for the Parthian army. Yes,
the guy turned out to be a trader who was
actually working for the Parthians. But even still not the
end of the world. You're still the Roman legions. So
they're a little hungry, they're a little thirsty. They got

(27:34):
separated off the river for a little while, but they're
still Rome. They're doing fine. And they find themselves on
a plane on the plains, right next to a city
called Karai. Now Roman legions can fight anywhere, always have,
always will, so they weren't exactly concerned about being out

(27:54):
on a plane. We still are the same heavy infantry,
the shields still work on the plains. What are you
going to do about it? And he runs into a
Parthian army. Now, remember there are forty thousand Romans here.
What kind of army does he run into? With the Parthians?
About ten thousand? About ten thousand and right now Crassus

(28:18):
is a little confused as to why they're squaring off
of them. He's a little confused why the Parthians have
been so cocky. Anyways, remember that first year, after he
took took all those cities and beat the army, Parthians
sent an envoy to Crassus, and of course the envoy
knocks on the door, Hey, Crassus, And Crassus is sitting

(28:38):
there thinking, oh good, you're coming to make peace terms
or surrender. And the Parthian envoy says, hey, we'll give
you permission to leave with your life if you leave now.
And crassis as It says, I'm sorry, what did you say? No,
I'll see you in your capitol soon. And the Parthian
envoy tell me this didn't take Big brass Ones holds

(28:59):
out his palm and says, you will see hair growing
here before you ever see our capital, and rides off.
These are not people unfamiliar with war. Crassus in his
forty thousand Romans run into a ten thousand man Parthian army.
They promptly form a gigantic square. The Roman army forms

(29:23):
a gigantic square because what are they looking at? Well,
it's a little different. What is that? Where's the infantry?
They all look like they're on horses. Why are they
all on horses? Who fights like that? You can't win
like that? What a bunch of idiots? All right? Whatever,
form up into a big square. What are the horses
going to do? Jump over it? No, that's not how

(29:46):
it works. So they're done, and not only that, they're
not even that impressive looking. Well, he was missing a
couple very, very key points. One this ten thousand man
armory army on horseback, about nine thousand of them were
horse archers. Only they weren't the kind of archers Crassis

(30:08):
or any Roman had dealt with before. Remember I talked
about that Asian step thing in the very beginning. The bow,
the composite bow that was used from Mattila the Hun
to these guys, to Genghis Khan was not like any
other bow in the world. You didn't just chopped down
a little tree and put a string on it in
call it a day. It was an extensive process to

(30:31):
make one of these, using tendons and bone and everything else.
These things could shoot, they say that. Look, I'll tell
you this. I saw two or three different sources as
I was reading up on this that said this, and
I still don't believe it, but that's what they say.
They say the thing could shoot four hundred yards. There's
no way that's true. I have a very hard time

(30:51):
believing that's true. But it could shoot really, really far.
Let's just leave it at that. And the arrow it
shot because the bow was so powerful, the arrow which
shot was really really heavy. So laws of physics are
this bow can shoot harder and shoot something that's a
lot heavier and nastier than anything the Romans had ever

(31:13):
seen before. That's really going to come into play here
in just a moment. And on top of the nine
thousand horse archers, Selenas had something else. He had one
thousand what they called catafracts. What's a catafract. It's a
man on horseback with a long lance. But also the

(31:35):
horse is draped in armor too, and I mean draped
in armor. It's an ancient tank. And because Salinas was
trying to bait this Roman army into fighting at this
point in time, he had all these catafracts throw blankets
over the armor so the Romans couldn't see they were

(31:56):
armored until they'd formed up, and at which point Selena's
had them throw the blankets off. And now they're looking
at armored horses in front of them. But still not
the end of the world. We're roam, we're in a square.
What's this army one fourth our size even gonna do
to us? He's about to find out. And then we'll

(32:18):
get to our ask doctor Jesse questions. Hang on miss something.

(32:44):
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(34:13):
Jesse Kelly Show. We have alternate histories. We have to do.
We have animal fights, as always, how long does America
have before it turns communists? And other things? But first
we have to address something. We have to address what
happened with Crassus at the Battle of Karai eight seven

(34:35):
seven three seven seven four three seven three Jesse at
Jesse Kelly show dot com. They are formed up in
a square and ready the Parthians charge with their horses,
and the Romans are sitting there thinking, okay, feel free.
What are you going to do? Slam your horse into
our shield wall, You're all going to die. The Parthians

(34:58):
do charge, but they peel off when they get close,
and they don't run into these Romans in this square.
They start shooting arrows at them. Again, not a problem,
has never been a problem for these heavy infantry Roman legions,
with their armor and their shields and their discipline, except
these are Asian step people, and this is a whole

(35:21):
different kind of bow and a whole different kind of arrow.
The arrows are going through the shields. The arrows are
going through the shields, and they're sticking in people's arms.
They're sticking people's feet to the ground so they can't move.
They're sticking through their legs in some cases, they're sticking

(35:45):
through their eyes and killing them. They're sticking through them forward.
The Parthians also as they're just riding by. What they're doing,
it's very discipline and organized. One unit will ride by
in front of the formation, shooting and then ride away,
and then the next it rides by and rides away.
They're also shooting them in the air, so they're coming
down on the Roman heads and going through the shields

(36:07):
that way. Okay, this is a very big deal. However, Crassus,
an experienced general, is not that worried yet, because he
says to himself and his other commanders, okay, not good,
but they're gonna run out of arrows, as everybody else does.
And then what are they gonna do? Ride around and
yell at us. Gonna be fine. Salinas was prepared for

(36:30):
such things. You see on top of the ten thousand
horse archer, well, nine thousand archers, one thousand catafracts. On
top of his cavalry. Sealinus had brought a massive some
say hundreds, some say thousands. We don't know. We just
know it was a massive train of camels. What were
they carrying? They were all carrying arrows endless supplies of arrows.

(36:56):
You would ride in front of the Roman army, unload
every single arrow you had, and then you simply gallop
your horse on back to the camel train, where they
had a brand new quiver waiting for you, handing it
to you to do it again and again and again
and again. And the Roman army is now in very,

(37:16):
very deep trouble. They're in such deep trouble that Crassus's son, Publius,
the man in charge of the Roman cavalry, tells his father,
not incorrectly, I have got to go charge and try
to get them away from us, or we're all gonna
die here. And so, to his credit a very brave move,

(37:37):
he hops on his horse and takes his cavalry unit
and sallies forth and charges out of that square at
the Parthians, who promptly turn around and run away. They're
running away from Publius. He has just saved the day.
Look at him, He's gonna ride him down like grass.
They're scared of him, of course, they are scared of

(37:59):
the Romans, as everyone else is. Publius rides away. They
think it was about a mile or two, they say,
except the Parthians weren't running away because they were scared.
They were running away because remember those thousand catafracts with
heavy armor and lances. They were waiting in ambush for Publius.

(38:20):
They waited till he got there and then charged him
surround to him slaughtered almost all of his men, gets away,
gets to a little hilltop. They charge him to finish
him off. He goes to kill himself, which was the
custom at the time, but he takes an arrow in
the hand and can't do it, so he has to

(38:40):
tell his servant to kill him, and his servant does.
Crassus doesn't know what had happened. It was all a
big dust bowl, right, it's not the movies. You can't
see you don't have a cut scene or you sees
a bunch of horses and dust and screaming and yelling.
What's the next thing? Crassus sees. The next thing crass
to seize as those Parthian cavalry coming right back at him,

(39:04):
and they're carrying something. What are they carrying? They were
carrying a long spike with his son's head on top
of it, and they rode around the Roman army while
Crassus had to watch his son's head in the end
of a spike. At the end of the day. When

(39:26):
nighttime came, the Romans had lost at least half their
force dead. They are now you want to talk PTSD.
They are broken mentally and have to do something right.
You have to do something or we're all gonna die
when the sun comes up. So they came up. They

(39:46):
come up with a plan. Crassus comes up with a plan.
Cold hearted, yeah, but it is what it is. Any
man who can't walk, leave him on the ground. The
rest of us are going to pull back in a
discipline way back to the city of Karai and to
the mountains. Split up, run where you can and hide.

(40:08):
How's that turnout for Crassis? You will find out in
a second. And then it's asked doctor Jesse time hang
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(41:30):
Brought to you by the American Heart Association, American Medical Association,
and the AD Council. It is the now world famous

(41:56):
Jesse Kelly Show doing a very rare ask doctor Jesse
on Thursday. I'm so excited to get to these It
took all I could do not to rush the history
story today so I can get to these questions. When
do we stop retreating? Somebody wants to know. Somebody wants
to know what to order at Church's Chicken and Hooters.

(42:17):
People want to know how long do we have before
we go communist? I'm going to answer all these questions today.
I'm not even doing guests today. You get nothing but me.
So I would just like to say, from the bottom
of my heart, congratulations what Chris eight seven seven three
seven seven four three seven three Jesse at Jesse Kelly

(42:39):
show dot Com. We will wrap up the story of
Crass's here and then it's on. This is a Jesse

(43:32):
Kelly Show. This is the Jesse Kelly Show. It is

(43:57):
the Jesse Kelly Show. On an Ask Doctor Jesse Thursday.
This week we have some great questions eight seven seven
three seven seven four three seven three Jesse at Jesse
Kelly Show dot Com. No guests today, just all me.
But first, Roman army leaves behind. They're wounded. They retreat

(44:22):
to the town, they retreat to the hills. Case you're wondering,
they left about four thousand men behind who couldn't move
because they were so wounded. The Parthians promptly went up
and slaughtered every single one of them. They last two
or three days on the run. They still are about
a seven thousand man army at this time. Obviously they're

(44:45):
they're a bit not doing great, but they still have
Crassus alive. And if they make it out of here
alive with Crassus, remember we're still talking about maybe the
richest man who ever lived, they're probably going to be
more than fine. They're gonna go retreat to an ally.
They're going to spend another year or two time worked

(45:08):
different back then, raising a whole bunch more legions, probably
have him with a bit thicker shield next time, and
probably gonna come back and win. The Ptarthian general Selenas
tries to extend a hand at this point in time
to Crassus, send somebody out and says, hey, let's parlay,

(45:30):
let's get together. Crassus it does not want to do
this at all. Why because of what I just said?
But why would I parlay? I've lost this day. I'll
be back in a year to win. Screw him, I'm
out of here. His commanders, though, encourage him, practically force
him to do it. No, no, no, you need to.
We're hurting. I don't know if we're gonna make it

(45:51):
out of this. The Parthians are still looking for them.
Go go go, Crassis does go. Rass Is never comes back.
How did that story end? While the story ended that
they were putting on plays back in Parthia, using Crassus's

(46:12):
real head as a prop in the plays, that's how
that story ended. In case you're wondering the underrated general Salinas,
things didn't work out well for him either. You see,
he wasn't the king, he was the general. The king appointed,
and this was a dirt ball of a king who
didn't want a very powerful, now very very popular, very

(46:35):
capable general in his kingdom, So when he got back home,
he promptly had him killed. Politics is a dirty business.
Power games or a dirty business. Men have killed each
other for money and power since the dawn of time.

(46:57):
They always have, they all will. Don't make the mistake
of thinking you live in some more refined era than
the ones that came before you. Now allow us to
dig in to the ask doctor Jesse questions today, and
they are so stinking good. Let us begin eight seven

(47:21):
seven three seven seven four three seven three Jesse at
Jesse Kelly show dot com. Don't forget this. I read
all of your emails, whether they're asked, Doctor Jesse or not.
They all go right to Jewish producer Chris. He prints
them off. I read every one of them. Your love,
your hate, your death threats. You're asked doctor Jesse questions,

(47:42):
I will not respond. I get way too many of them,
but you send them. I read them. Dear doctor Jesse.
I'm gonna fly across the country to visit my son
in Bakersfield, California. He's a tall, thin Navy veteran with
a very deep voice. Should we eat at Hooters or

(48:02):
Church's Chicken? Neither of us have been to these restaurants.
As far as I know. He doesn't have a girlfriend
tell me what to order. And this is a lady.
I'm not going to give her name because she didn't
say I could give her name. But it's a lady.
So it's a mom going to see her son. All right,
I have the ultimate solution for you. You ready for this, lady? One?

(48:24):
Hooters does not have good food. It does not have
good food. Like I say about restaurants, restaurants are selling
you one of three things. Generally, at all times, they're
selling you great food, or they're selling you a great location,

(48:45):
or they're selling you dimes in the white staff. They
generally will not combine two of those things. I know
there are exceptions to that rule, but like all things,
you're only as good as you have to be. That's
why that beach side restaurant that food sucks all the time.

(49:05):
You know it's quit, don't lie, no, no, I had
it sucks. You know it sucks. It does that restaurant
that it's at the top of a skyscraper and it
turns around as you eat. Oh no, my steak is bad. Yeah,
they don't have to sell good steak. They don't have
to spend extra money on fresh produce and good steak
because you're going to go anyway because the view's nice.

(49:29):
You find some restaurant way off the beaten path and
walk in and it's some haggard eighty five year old
serving you food. The food's going to be phenomenal every
single time, because that's what they're selling you. These restaurants
that have popped up, and I'm not passing any judgment
at all, but that specialized. It's not just Hooters. Now

(49:50):
there's Twin Peaks and there's all these they specialize and
you know, half dressed dimes. How good is the food really?
How good? Well it's not that good. Why it doesn't
have to be. Dudes are gonna flock in there anyway
to drink beer and look at women. That's what dudes do. However,
I applaud you mom for maybe trying to wrangle something

(50:13):
up for your single navy veteran son. So let's tackle
the issue at hand. You know, the food sucks at Hooters.
Don't worry, we're going to get there eventually. What you're
going to do is this, You're going to make sure.
I know California has some weird gun laws, some really
bad ones, but make sure you're legally armed and head

(50:35):
down to Church's Chicken. You should be armed at all
times anyway, but you definitely need to be armed when
you're going into Church's Chicken. In general, I would recommend
you order your food to go. That lessens the chance.
That lessens the chance of being violently mugged. Wow, you eat,
but you go down to Church's Chicken. You get there

(50:56):
spicy chicken, spicy chicken. Sometimes they're out, but you get
their spicy chicken. Make sure you get their biscuits, and
make sure you get their halapino cheese bombers. The halapino
cheese bombers at Church's Chicken are the most underrated item
on any menu in the United States of America today.

(51:18):
They're that good. Get some ranch to dip them in
what they're essentially Chris ajlapino cheese popper, only they it's
such a simple step. Instead of it being one big
halapino in there, like one big side of it, they
have them all diced up throughout it and add it
just adds to the flavor. They're so good and they're
made right every time. And I'll tell you this, Mom,

(51:40):
over order the lapino cheese bombers. Well, however many you order,
it's not going to be enough. So over order the
cheese bombers. You go to Church's Chicken first, you guys
get nice and full on delicious Church's chicken and biscuits
and the Jalapino cheese bombers. Then, because you're a good mom,

(52:01):
you guys put your heads together. I don't know what
kind of relationship you have. I'm assuming it's pretty good.
You go to Hooters. Your son is a single man.
He has one job, and one job only in Hooters.
You sit down with your mom, and he has to
make it absurdly obvious that he treats you like gold.

(52:24):
Whenever the waitress is around, Mom, what do you need? Mom?
You can have anything you want. Mom, I love you
so much. Oh sorry, waitress, I didn't know you were there.
Right now. She will be swooning in about fifteen to
twenty minutes. Then the game plan is this. You guys
have to game plan this together. He's going to excuse

(52:45):
himself to make a phone call. Don't excuse himself to
use the restroom. She doesn't want to think about him
going peepe. He excuses himself to make a phone call
while the waitress is there. You make a little light conversation.
Shouldn't with the waitress? What are you going to say?
I'm going to tell you what to say next, and

(53:05):
then we'll get to the rest of our ask doctor
Jesse questions, Oh God on not him, only side of me,

(53:36):
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(54:19):
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(54:41):
used the code word Jesse at checkout for ten bucks off.

(55:04):
It is the Jesse Kelly Show. Remember if you missed
our history story or miss any part of the show
today or any day. Once the show is done, Chris
puts a podcast version of it up on iHeart and
Google and Spotify and iTunes. Leave a five star rating

(55:24):
on iTunes, leave a review talking about how handsome I am.
What Chris, it's important for the show. Back to our story.
The question was should you eat at Hooters or Church's
Chicken when this mom goes to visit her single Navy
veterans son. I've already explained you eat at churches first,

(55:46):
make sure you protect yourself at all times. Then you
go to Hooters. Make sure your son is treating you
like gold, really pouring it on whenever the waitress is there.
He needs to excuse himself to make a phone call.
At point, you say, oh, you're such a sweet young lady.
I've been telling him to look for somebody just like you,

(56:08):
and she'll say, oh, I didn't know he was single.
This is the feeling out process to see if he is. Then,
because we don't want to make it awkward, then the
move is this. When she comes to hand out the check,
you the mom, are going to want to pay. You

(56:28):
cannot pay. You absolutely cannot, even if you want to
give him the money. Afterwards, he has to not only pay,
he has to not let you pay in front of her.
He then has to tip her well, and you need
to excuse yourself so he can close the deal and

(56:49):
ask for the phone number. Full proof, Chris, what you know?
What you laugh now? Chris? I bet you money. We're
gonna get an email a week or two. This dude's
now dating some dime Hooters waitress. You watch. I didn't
say marry or I don't know what she looks like,
but you never know. You never know. Oh wise history Oracle.

(57:14):
You know what. We'll get to that one in just
a second. I have to get to a couple of
these emails. Stainless steel, tall, tan, handsome Oracle. I know
you don't like DC, but for someone who will have
to make periodic trips out there for work, any bar
slash restaurant recommendations like any food and drink question. I'm
sure you have strong opinions here. Thank you for your

(57:35):
commitment to emails and putting out quality show every single day. Okay,
first of all, I'm sure you already know this because
you sound like a man who's been there, but maybe
you haven't prepare yourself for weapons grade disappointment when it
comes to Washington, DC. Their food scene is embarrassingly bad.

(57:55):
Chris raises his hands right now and asks why this
is one of the very few things I actually don't
know the answer to. You have a city that is
absurdly rich, so you know you're going to get some
quality in there as far as chefs and restaurants. Right,
it's absurdly rich. It's absurdly diverse. And I'm not doing
that well diversity raters thing because it actually doesn't. But
when it comes to food, it very much. Does you

(58:17):
want a bunch of different cultures in your town because
it creates great food mixes and great flavors and things
like that. And there's everybody there. There's Blacks, there's Mexicans,
there's a humongous Asian population, there's Indians everywhere, there's Ethiopians.
That that should make for such a great combination of foods,
the money, and the diversity and everything else, and it sucks.

(58:40):
I live there for a year, there's just I mean,
there's obviously a couple of little honeyholes, but for the
most part, the food stucks. I will say, the fast
food joint, we have them here in Texas now, the
fast food joint Shake Shack makes a phenomenal burger. You'll
find some places like that. There's a hotel there called

(59:01):
the hay Atoms. There's a hotel they're called the hay Atoms.
They serve a drink a bunch of places in DC
servant now called a Darkened Stormy. Go to the hay Atoms,
sit down in their circular bar, order a dark and
Stormy for yourself. It's very good. I'm not saying it's
the best thing in the world. It's very good. But

(59:22):
while you're in the hay Atoms drinking a dark and Stormy,
get on your phone look up the history of that
very same circular bar you're sitting in drinking a Darkened Stormy.
I'm gonna leave it at that. You go from there.
It's really really cool. One. In fact, the only cool
thing about Washington, DC is the history of it. I

(59:46):
actually do recommend people visit it the museums and memorials
and stuff like that. It is the cool thing about it.
As much as I despise living there for the year
I live there, that is one thing I never got over.
I never got over taking one of those bridges into
town and you're looking up at the Washington Monument the
Capitol buildings, say, it's just there's something cool about that,

(01:00:09):
something cool about that. Dearest showgunnists Maximus and keeper of
the Sombrero Chris, listening to your story about selling your
truck for a Honda Civic to better navigate the streets
of DC had the Fellas cracking up. At the firehouse
in Northeast, where I drive the front of a fifty

(01:00:29):
five foot hook and ladder truck with another guy who
drives the back end through many of the horribly kept
streets and tight alleys of the district, we can definitely
relate to your struggle. I cannot believe you guys drive
a fire truck through those through those streets. I'm not
sure I could drive a bicycle through those sorry streets anyway.
Started listening to you last year on the recommendation of
another fireman, and really appreciate your lessons in history, especially

(01:00:51):
in this day and age where cancel culture is doing
its best to doom us to repeat it. The next
time you find yourself in our nation's capital, come buy
the firehouse for dinner and allow us to show you
just how wrong you are about smoked brisket. We have
it down to a science here. Also, you're rugged, handsome.
This is the only reason for giving you a pass

(01:01:12):
on smoking a brisket for five hours and thinking it
was done, shesh. No wonder you weren't impressed. Jewish producer
Chris was completely justified in shutting your mic off at
that point, unless you continue to blaspheme your number one
fan in DC, and he says I can use his name.
His name is Matt. I've caught so much heat for

(01:01:32):
that brisket one. And you know what, Matt, Chris and
I have already talked about this. Inevitably we're gonna have
to go to DC for something, or at least I am.
I'll try not to take Chris with me, but inevitably
we're gonna have to go to DC for something. I
will absolutely be in your firehouse for some food. Fireman, Chris,
have you ever eaten with fireman? Fireman know how to eat?

(01:01:54):
So it's one of those things people don't talk about
because of the hours they work. They work and they're
all different, but they work weird hours. There'll be you know,
on too off to to like two days, things like that.
So you're essentially living at the firehouse and they live
as one big group of dudes and women. Now I'm
being look I think about it as dudes, all right,

(01:02:14):
and it's one big group of dudes and they get
together and they just figure out how to cook and
cook really really well. All they do is eat, sleep,
work out like beasts, and go put out fire. It's awesome,
all right. How many years do you think the United
States have before we become a communist country? We have

(01:02:36):
so much happening to destroy the country. Wonder if there
is any other period in United States history that anyone
could enter the country like they do now. Is this
a new event? The open border? Also, when we have
to flee the country, will another country take us in?
I think not? It will be root, little pig root ps.

(01:02:57):
I am old and disappointed. I will probably die in place,
or they will kill me because I won't be slave material.
And then she finishes with her name, which I won't read. Okay,
let's just address this. How long we become before we're
a communist country? Thing? Remember something. I'm gonna put a
rare sunny face on this thing. Remember something. And this

(01:03:18):
is not a small thing. We do have arms, lots
of arms. No, I don't want you to hurt anybody,
but they can't really do all the things communists love
to do while we have those arms. It's not humanly possible. Now,
let's set the arms aside. Thing. Let's set the arms aside.

(01:03:41):
Let's set that aside for a moment. How long do
we have? Fifty years? I would guess fifty years. But
the reason I sound hesitant is this, Well, i'll explain
in just a second. You know that Jake's mint Chew

(01:04:23):
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really helping my listeners who smoke. And I love that stuff,
and that stuff's important. But how many times have we
talked about being more purposeful with where we spend our

(01:04:45):
dollars and where we don't spend our dollars. Jake's mint Chew.
Jake's Mint Chew cares enough, not just to produce a
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is helping people quit smoking. They care enough to make

(01:05:06):
it here. That's what I mean by being more purposeful.
Go get some today for yourself or that dipper or
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com us to promo code Jesse I get you twenty
percent off. It is the world famous Jesse Kelly Show

(01:05:44):
with me Jesse the Show Gun Kelly. And we're answering
all of your questions today and they are good ones.
How long do we have before we become communist was
the question? I said, fifty years. The only reason I
sound unsure of it is this. These things don't always

(01:06:05):
happen slowly. They happen whenever there's a huge societal shift.
Oftentimes it's slowly and slowly and slowly, and then all
at once. It's not as if it's not as if
the next twenty years are gonna look anything like the
last twenty years. That's just not how it works. It
doesn't work that way at all, O wise history oracle.

(01:06:31):
If Britain sides with Germany and World War one one,
what does the war look like? Well, one, the war
is over very very soon. There's no way France would
have been able to stand up against Britain and Germany.
Remember this, Germany was so absurdly powerful and awesome in
World War One. They came very close on several occasions

(01:06:54):
to flat out winning the war against everyone Britain, France, Russia,
and Germany. Germany didn't even have any help. They had
Austria Hungary, who was one hundred percent useless the entire time.
Germany famously said they were fettered to a corpse because
they were constantly having to go bail out Austria Hungary.

(01:07:14):
Austria Hungry got kicked around by the Serbs. So one
Germany wins, and wins probably easily. As I've said before,
you can make the argument it would have been better
for everyone because then it wouldn't have lasted long. Give
Germany a quick victory, and then you avoid millions of death,

(01:07:35):
and you avoid Adolph Hitler, you avoid the Holocaust. You don't,
you don't. World War two never happens. If Germany wins
World War one two, what does Europe look like after
the war? Well, see, that's the issue. I don't know
if there is a France anymore, if Germany wins that war,

(01:07:56):
depending on how fast they went in. That's part of
the problem with wars. It's Look, it's like you when
you have a fight with your with your husband or
your wife or your girlfriend. The bigger the fight, whoever
was wrong, the bigger. The helping hand has to be

(01:08:16):
at the extended hand has to be after. You know,
if it's one little tiff, it's no big deal. If
it's some massive blowout, honey, sorry, we can't afford to
pay the rent this month, I went out and bought
a new motorcycle. If it's that kind of thing, buddy,
it's gonna have to be the apology of apologies. It

(01:08:36):
works the same way in war. Historically, part of the
reason everybody took a pound of flesh out of Germany
after World War One was the war was so costly
to everybody. There's so much residual anger there and financial
loss and pain that you want to take it out
on someone, and you take it out on the loser.

(01:08:59):
France may no longer be in existence after the war. Three.
The last question was what does the world look like
in twenty twenty one? World is, in my opinion, probably
a much better place because I don't think America becomes
an interventionist country. Remember, people forget this. Before World War One,

(01:09:24):
America was absurdly non interventionist. That's what we were founded on.
Go read George Washington's Farewell Address when he even warns
in there, we'll look, we don't get involved in Europe's wars.
We trade with everyone. We don't have large standing armies
in this country. We don't get involved in your wars.
We're always gonna have a strong navy. That was something

(01:09:45):
we always wanted because of our oceans. But we just
we don't do this war all the time thing. And
it was almost impossible for Woodrow Wilson to drag us
into that war, even though he wanted to. Americans were
just simply dead set against it. And Americans were dead
set against World War Two. We didn't want to go.
We know we're out where we were. I mean, I

(01:10:06):
don't know that we would have ever gone until the idiot.
Japanese bombed US in Pearl Harbor and then Germany twice
as dumb Declaire's war when they didn't have to. And no,
by the way, they didn't have to. People can say,
well they were an ally of Japan. They were, but
we would not have messed with Germany. We would have
focused all our efforts on Japan. We didn't like Hitler,

(01:10:27):
but we weren't. There was no support in the American
public for going to war with them. But then Hitler
just up at de Claire's war on us, and it's
why I guess it's on. Then that wasn't smart. I
think the world's a much different and much better place,
to be honest with you, that whole, that whole mess
of World War One. People disagree with me all the time,
and that's fine. It's just purely an opinion. I mean,

(01:10:48):
most of what I say is fact, Chris, but this
is purely an opinion. I say World War One was
more consequential than World War Two when it comes to
how much it reset the globe. And part of that
is there is no World War two without World War One.
Dear doctor Mega mind Jesse, what Chris, who would win

(01:11:09):
in a fight a dozen medieval pikemen with the best armored,
training and equipment of their day, or a fully grown
t rex. Both sides know that it is to the
death and will not run away. The pikemen have been
training together, so they have superb teamwork and communication. Nobody
is going to get sick or have any problems related

(01:11:31):
to different atmospheric conditions. This is from WM all right,
I think the t rex still wins. I think the
t rex still wins. You're shaking your head, Chris. But
here's the thing. If you were. The t rex is
an animal, right, He's an animal. You pikemen are not

(01:11:56):
organized or not. You must absolutely must penetrate either the
t rex's brain or his heart with one of those pikes.
How in the world, or even only a dozen of you,
You're never getting to the heart without getting bitten. And look,
you can say best armor, it's not as if look

(01:12:20):
at don't shake your head, Chris. I know t rex.
I've got extensive experience fighting t rexes, and I'm telling
you what armor. What difference does the armory make? He's
just gonna crush you inside of it anyway. In fact,
his teeth are gonna go right through what Chris, You're
so absurd. I've seen Durastic Park a dozen times. I

(01:12:43):
know how this goes. The t rex is going to
just simply bite them one at a time and it's over.
It's over. And the pikemen organized or not, are going
to be stabbing at the t rex. Oh no, I
got his knee. But they're going to be scared because
it's a t rex and you're not going to actually
do anything but make it angry. There's a chance, I

(01:13:03):
guess you could. And remember, this is a t Rex.
I'm assuming they fought Oh what am I saying? I'm assuming,
of course. I know this to be a fact. They
fought other t rexes all the time, so they've got
some skin that's made to handle some punishment. Here. No way,
there's no way you're getting into the heart of that
t rex without him killing all of them. And how
sweet would that be? Now? I want to see it, now,

(01:13:25):
I want to see it, Chris, Dear showgun, I love
this one. I need your blue collar expertise. Been a
working man, my day to day task. Being a working man,
it's eased for me to say my day to day
task can often be repetitive and uneventful. My wife asked

(01:13:46):
me yesterday how I can enjoy the job. How I
can enjoy the job. I told her, I don't mind
the work, and I actually enjoy it because my co
workers and I make fun of each other. In fact,
the harder the work gets, the more insults come, almost
like a cope mechanism. She was incredulous and thought making
fun of your co workers is unprofessional. I told her

(01:14:07):
it's hilarious and it's how men talk to each other.
She still doesn't understand, so I made her watch Grand Torino,
where Clint Eastwood teaches the boys how to talk to men.
She still cannot see the light. So I'm asking the
most able man I know to do what Clint Eastwood
himself cannot. Please explain why men like to make fun

(01:14:27):
of each other. If you read my question, I'll have
the old lady listen. Keep up the good work. Jay
Eastwood Kelly, and he says I can read his name.
His name is a Steer from Minnesota. Do you want
to know? You want to know the reason. You want
to know why men rip on each other when they
like each other. I'll explain. In a second, mistous catch

(01:15:10):
up Jesse kellyshow dot com. Hi, We're the Google Dolls.
We're fortunate that we can give our daughters everything they
need to grow and learn, but not every child can
focus on classes and play dates. Nearly thirteen million kids
in the US face hunger. That's one in six. School

(01:15:31):
lunching might be their only meal each day, and it's
heartbreaking to imagine any child going to bed hungry. We're
dreaming but perfect day when kids can smile, play and
just be kids without worrying about whether next meal will
come from Feeding America is working to make that perfect
day reality. Each year, the Feeding America network of food
banks rescues billions of pounds of good food that would

(01:15:52):
have gone to waste. That food is given to families
and children and me. Being a kid should be about
doing things that make an ordinary day extraordinary. Learning to
play an instrument, building a sandcastle, hosting tea parties. Hunger
should never be an obstacle to growing up. You can
help ben child and hunger in your community by visiting
Feeding America. Died organ brought to you by Feeding America

(01:16:14):
and the AD Council. Jeff Missus Adrian from Raleigh. I

(01:16:39):
know I'm putting my life on the line here, but
I want to set everybody's mind at ease when it
comes to the myth or the reality of Jewish producer Chris.
On your podcast from April nineteenth, at the hour of
one hour forty three minutes, in between fifty two and

(01:17:02):
fifty three seconds, for about a tenth of a second,
you actually hear Jewish producers Kristen's voice. He is real.
He is not bigfoot. And I know I'm putting my
life on the line for this one. I could be
taken out, but for the masses, I'm doing this for

(01:17:23):
the people. Everybody. Jewish producer Chris is really, y'all, He's real.
I heard it. It is the Jesse Kelly Show eight
seven seven three seven seven four three seven three Jesse
at Jesse Kelly show dot com. Yes, you can leave

(01:17:44):
us voicemails. We will play them on the air. Allow
me to caution you though, if you leave us a voicemail,
there's a good chance I am going to play it
in the United States of America is going to hear
your voice. That doesn't look I'm not saying that, So
like you don't cuss. I mean, we prefer you don't cuss.
I can't play that on the air. We have to

(01:18:04):
go through and edit it and beep them out and
say whatever you want, but just don't leave me a
voicemail and then be shocked and horrified when the whole
country here's your voice, all right? The question was why
do men love to give each other grief and dog
on each other? Why do they do that when they're friends?

(01:18:26):
This is why men are born for certain things. Women
are born for certain things. And no, we're not born
for the same thing. Men and women are different. Women
are great at some things, terrible at some things. Men
are the same, great at some things, terrible at some things.
The reason men are physically stronger than women bigger shoulders,

(01:18:50):
bigger hips, more muscle mass, more lung capacity, more everything.
The reason men are more physically capable than women is
because as God made men to be the protectors of society.
That is, I don't care who. I don't care if
you're some it nerd with the thickest glasses in the

(01:19:11):
world and you play with g I Joe's still at night,
it doesn't matter to me. I don't care. As a man,
that is something you're born into It's part of you.
It is part of you universally. There's no exception to this.
And because it is universal, men like to test the

(01:19:32):
strength of their fellow men. That's part of it. That
is why you'll see that giving another guy guph is
even more prevalent in firehouses, like we talked about the military,
really prevalent in the military. You can't believe what we
said to each other in the Marine Corps. Police do
this all the time. Construction workers are work construction all

(01:19:55):
the time. Do this to each other. More physical jobs,
you'll see this even more. It is a way of
testing each other, probing for weakness and weeding out weakness.
I say absolutely horrible things to my friends and people
I like terrible things. I do this one because it's funny.

(01:20:17):
We all laugh about it too. I want to know
if you can handle it or if you can't. It's
a way of pruning my friend tree off. If you
can't doesn't mean you're a bad person, means we're not
going to be friends. If I can't give you crap,
we're not going to be friends. It is how men

(01:20:37):
deal with each other. That may sound primitive, but human
nature does not change Men like to give their friends
crap because it's hilarious, and because they're probing for weakness
and making sure there is none, and because it horrifies women.

(01:21:00):
There's a hilarious online I think it's a I think
it's a meme. I don't know what it is. It's
a hilarious online meme that shows it says the title
of and on the top is the difference between men
and women. And some dude is saying goodbye to his friends,
and they're they're saying, damn, oh see a jerk, a loser, see,

(01:21:20):
and then you're such an idiot. And then the second
the friend walks away, they turn to each other like, man,
he's such a great dude. I love that guy. And
then it goes down to the women, and the women
are saying goodbye to their finis. I love you so much,
I'll don't go. When can we get together again? You're
the best. And then the second she walks away, they
start bad talking her. Can you believe how much makeup
she's wearing. Look at that dress. It's funny because it's

(01:21:44):
one hundred percent true and everybody knows it. Like I
told people, I'm a bit more quiet, but I'm not
on the air. I'm just not not in not somebody
who likes to talk a lot. Not shy by any
stretch of the imagination, as you can imagine. But if
you see me at an event or a party, I'm
rarely the guy out there doing all the talking. I'd

(01:22:06):
rather listen and watch. I want to observe. I find
human nature fascinating. That's just that's how I do it,
so I've always done it. But if I'm not giving
you guff as a dude, it's because I either A
don't know you or B don't like you. If I
know you and I'm not giving you guff, I don't

(01:22:29):
like you. So there the ultimate test for you, doctor
j Doctor Steele, Jesse Steele. Two steels in there. Chris
Washington didn't retreat forever. Eventually he stood and fought and
took back the ground he lost. How is this defensive
seeding ground strategy not doomed to failure when we run
out of ground to ground to seed. I have an

(01:22:52):
answer for this question coming up next. Hey Dad, your
prescription will be ready in just a minute. Hey Dad,

(01:23:13):
your laundry will be ready in just a minute. Dad,
your lunch will be ready in just a minute. Hey, honey,
why don't you take a minute. When you help care
for a loved one, you give them as much time
as you can, making sure they're safe and comfortable. But
it's just as important that you take some time for yourself.

(01:23:34):
At AARP, we can help with information and useful tips
on how you can maintain a healthy life, balance, care
for your own physical and mental well being, and manage
the challenges of caring for a loved one. Because the
better care you take of yourself, the better care you
can provide for your loved one. Thanks Dad, Thank you.
You're there for them. We're here for you. Find free

(01:23:55):
care guides to support you and your loved one at
AARP dot org slash care getting. That's AARP dot org
slash caregiving. A public service announcement brought to you by
AARP and the Council. It is the Jesse Kelly Show

(01:24:29):
eight seven seven three seven seven four three seven three
Jesse at Jesse Kelly show dot com. We have another
hour left with no guests and your questions and they
are good ones. We have a strategy for if China invades.
Somebody is defending his home state of Mississippi. We have

(01:24:50):
a question about Fredo's. It's going to get very, very heavy,
as you can see in this last hour. It is
the Jesse Kelly Show. Remember if you missed our history
story at the beginning, a great ancient Roman story about
Crassus and the Parthians. You can find it on iHeart,
Google and Spotify and iTunes. Right after the show on iTunes,

(01:25:13):
leave a five star rating, Leave of you talking about
how handsome I am. Hang on the Jesse Kelly Show.

(01:26:18):
This is a Jesse Kelly show. That twenty one year
old pimp, that twenty one year old pimp, that twenty
one year old trafficker who is not yet a convicted felon,
roll on into any place you want, buy gun, into
the provision, and walk around in whatever way you want,

(01:26:40):
no training, no understanding, wild West pimp style. That's what
this bill does. And then that pimp can roll into
whatever small businesses in your community with their stable of girls,
and they could flaun it wild West pimp style. What

(01:27:01):
in the world that was a Texas Democrat arguing against
Conville wild westpimp style with their stable of girls. I'm
so confused, Chris, Chris, you not throw away that audio.
You're gonna have to hang onto that one. You know what,
all I think I need from now on? It's wild

(01:27:22):
westpimp style. But that's one staying with the show. It
is the Jesse Kelly Show eight seven seven three seven
seven four three seven three Jesse at Jesse Kelly Show
dot com. The email is this, Doctor Steele. Jesse Steele,
Washington didn't retreat forever. Eventually he stood and fought and

(01:27:45):
took back the ground he lost. How is this defensive
seating ground strategy not doomed to failure when we run
out of ground a seat? They believe communism can only
work if literally everyone on the planet lives under it.
Never going to stop advancing divorce or not? When do
we stop retreating? As an aside, I've lived in San

(01:28:06):
Diego my entire life. I have no intention of surrendering
my home the communist interlopers one. That's why you wrote
me that email, because you live in what, honestly it
might be the best city in the country. If you've
never been to San Diego, I mean, obviously they've ruined
it like they ruined everywhere else in California is dreadful,

(01:28:29):
But San Diego is so awesome and the weather's perfect.
It's just it's an awesome place and you don't want
to give it up. And I get that one hundred percent.
But to answer your question, when do we stop seeding ground?
You're not seeding ground. You're choosing your own battlefield. I

(01:28:53):
didn't say balkanized moved to a red state and go
watch television. I said, balkan eyes moved to a red state,
a red area, and get active to make it redder.
We are not giving up ground because we're done with
all of it. We're giving up ground because we need

(01:29:14):
some sort of fortified position right now. We don't have that.
Right now. We've lost everything and there's no indication zero
that we're about to start making gains and taking those
things back. None. You love San Diego, man, You should
love San Diego. San Diego sweet, But San Diego's gone, man.

(01:29:41):
San Francisco. San Francisco is another city that thirty years ago,
maybe twenty years ago, maybe one of the coolest cities
in the United States of America. Not flat at all.
It's got these hills all through It kind of makes
it unique. You have to watch driving in San Francisco.
Some places, cool restaurants right on the water, Golden Gate Bridge,

(01:30:04):
they have poop running down the sidewalks. Now I'm not
making that up. There are actually apps you can get
on your phone so you can walk and avoid the poop.
In Heroin Needles, a place is gone. It's just not
there anymore. So what we need is we need you.
You are the reinforcements. We need you to come to

(01:30:25):
a place that isn't gone so we can fortify it
and make sure the Commies can't take it. That's what
we need. You're not retreating. You're going to give people
who are your allies reinforcements and they need them. You're
not doing me any good stuck in San Diego. Now,
I'm not talking about you personally. Man. Maybe you can't move,

(01:30:45):
stay there, it doesn't matter, but you're not doing me
any good hypothetically staying in San Diego. You're doing me
good moving to where I live in the suburbs of
Texas and making dang sure it's not only red but
stays red so the Commies don't move here and flip it.
That said, you're not wrong. They're never going to just

(01:31:06):
look at us and say we'll let them go. I'm
just gonna have to let them know they can't take us.
Dear doctor J Steele, Kelly, it's two Quit shaking your head, Chris.
This is my name, all right, that's my name from
now on. It's the J. Steele Show. It's two am

(01:31:27):
tomorrow and your phone is erupted with information telling you
China has attacked the United States. You can't get any
dependable reception, but it appears they've attacked every major port
and many power plants all at once. You realize it
is on. What do you do? How do you think
society will react? Well, the ports we would be able

(01:31:50):
to withstand, probably better than we could the power plants.
I don't know if you've ever been in a situation
where your area lost power. And I don't mean you
had your power went out for a half hour and
you had to go get a flashlight and read books
with your kids. I mean an extended period of time
where large portions of your area lost power. I have

(01:32:12):
been in that situation before. The results were not inspiring.
What that does When power's gone, you can't fill up
your car with gas. The gas pumps run on electricity,
so don't think you're going to run down to the
gas station and leave the area. If they ever got

(01:32:32):
the power stations, we would be in very, very, very
serious trouble. What my first thing, My first priority would be,
I would throw my family and my pickup, which Lord
willing is filled up with gas, and I would head
into the mountains. I would head out to the Rocky Mountains,
because I'm very comfortable in the mountains. It's very hard

(01:32:54):
to find people in the mountains, and I would get
them stashed somewhere in the Rocky Mountains where I thought
they were safe and protected. Then I would leave them
and go kill some communists. There's just no other there's
nothing else to do. You would have to try to
find assuming there are some military units still around, maybe

(01:33:15):
a National Guard base, so you can beef up your
amos supply and hopefully get some trained people along with you.
But there's nothing else to do at that point in time.
I'm not going to live under communist Chinese rule, so
You're gonna have to weapon up and go put some
people in the ground. Bro, why are you agreeing with

(01:33:35):
the commies and dogging on Mississippi. This place will compete
with any other place for outdoor beauty and sportsman paradise.
The women are hot. The college baseball is the best
in the country. I'll fight you. I may not be
able to reach you, but I'll grab a stick. Just kidding,
But seriously, it is a great red state. I actually
forget what I said about Mississippi, Chris, I forget what

(01:33:58):
I said. Now. Did I rip on Mississippi really hard
or something I did? Oh? No, Well, it is a
red state. Uh. I will tell you this. The women
are absurdly hot, this summit, Southern women, Southern women, just
in general. It's that accent. Man. You say that accent,
and you just we're dudes. We cannot withstand that. We're

(01:34:20):
not We're not We're not strong enough to withstand that, Chris.
Dear J Steele Kelly, Now this one, man, I didn't
want it to get heavy today. I thought I was
gonna keep today light. But I'm gonna answer this. I
just didn't want it to get this heavy. So let's
let's get this over with. Dear J. Steele Kelly. Where

(01:34:42):
do Freedo's fall on the snack chip hierarchy. They aren't
a potato chip and they aren't a tortilla. Chip. They
aren't really big enough for salsa or dip, but they're
thicker than your normal chip. They have a great crunch,
but leave you with horrible holotosis. At my house, they
are always left over uneaten chip bags in the cupboard.

(01:35:03):
Should Friedo's get more respect? Funny aside, when I was
a kid, the advertising campaign had a Mexican character named
Friedo Bandido who stole your chips. Also note that the
chili cheese friedos are outstanding. He says, I can read
his name on the air. His name is Kurt from
from Cammi Fournia. One Freedo Bandido sounds sweet, Chris, give

(01:35:26):
me a favor during the break, see if you can
find that ad. We want to make sure we're giving
them credit and playing that on the air, The Freedo Bandido.
That's sweet too. We're going to address the Freedo situation.
Hang on feeling a little stocky, follow like a subscribe

(01:36:01):
on social at Jesse Kelly DC. I hated trying to
quit dipping. It's hard. And here's the thing about it.
People who have never done it. I'm not encouraging you
to start, but people who've never done it, who've never
dipped for a long time or smoked for a long time.
They simply can't understand how difficult it is to stop.

(01:36:25):
It's not only addictive, it becomes part of your routine.
It's simply something you enjoy it. It's a part of
your day. I used to dip after meals. After meals,
I had to go have a dip in so I
needed something to transition me off of it. I needed
a dip of some kind. Jake's Mint Chew is a

(01:36:45):
dip only It's a dip without tobacco. It's a dip
without nicotine. It's even a dip without sugar. I can
put it in my lip completely guilt free. Good at
Jake's Mint Chew dot com. That's Jake's mint Chew dot com.
He's the promo co. Jesse j E s s E
for twenty percent off. Jesse Kelly backs in, Yeah, yeah, yeah,

(01:37:14):
I am deg I like Rito strunkeeps. I love them.
Might do I want Prico Sun gets them from you?
I yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh I am I can't believe

(01:37:36):
that ad is real. Oh that's so great. What happened
to an era when we could play ads like that
on the air? Chris, you know what, I'm not cheating
that at at all. Start that over again, and we're
playing that here on the air. Can you start that
ad over again? I want the whole thing. Gosh, that's
so good. I yeah, yeah, yeah. I am Brito Reggie.

(01:38:03):
I like Frito strung chips. I love him, might do
I want Fritos? Get them from you? I yea yea yay. Oh,
I am def give me Fritos conti and I'll be
your friend, Defrito Buntie, though you must not append now,

(01:38:24):
boys and girls, you are Frito Bio's flue. I am.
I'm absolutely time well done. Jewish producer Chris tracked it down.
Oh my gosh, and tears coming down my face. One.
I am absolutely going to be singing I Yi, I'm

(01:38:47):
the Friedo Bandido all the rest of today. And you
are too. And you're lying if you said you're not too.
Not only is that ad going to be played again
today on the show, the chances that just became a
permanent part of the Jesse Kelly Show hover right around
one hundred percent. I will tell you that much. Fat

(01:39:08):
It's so good. All right too, get focused, Chris stang
it all right, too. Friedos almost boggle the mind. Especially
I'm talking specifically about chili cheese friedos. Chili cheese friedos
are probably the greatest chip on the planet. The flavor

(01:39:31):
is perfect, the crunch is perfect. They're almost perfect. They are, however,
missing one critical thing, and it blows me away. How
nobody at Freedo has ever addressed this? The size. They're
too small to dip. They're too small to dip. The

(01:39:52):
size is not a problem when you're just eating the
chili cheese friedos, because everyone grabs two or three or
ten and throws them all on their mouths. Yes, size matters,
It does matter. I can't dip the chili cheese friedo
in caeso without getting caeso all over my fingers, and
then I have to choose whether to be an uncultured
swine and lick my fingers or wipe them off every

(01:40:15):
time it doesn't work. Why can't they make a chili
cheese friedo the size of a dorito? It blows me away. Also,
I should note before we move on to our next question,
I have a tip for you. When you make your
next gas station run your road trip in you wanted

(01:40:37):
some terrible for you gas station food people think they're
limited to only the options in the store when it
comes to combining things. Every gas station has one of
those marvelous nacho cheese dispensers. You know exactly what I'm
talking about, the ones that are cleaned once every thirty years,
but put out that delicious nacho cheese. And in general,

(01:41:00):
they'll have nacho cheese trays there with some corn chips.
You're not a slave to those corn chips. Here's what
you do next time you're in there. You go get
a bag of flaming hot cheetos, open it up, dump
the bag in the nacho cheese tray. Save the bag.
You need that to pay for the things we don't
steal here. Then you go to the nacho cheese machine

(01:41:24):
and you dump the nacho cheese. You squirt the nacho
cheese all over your nacho cheese tray of flaming hot cheetos.
I will say it is imperative you grab a fork
or probably a spoon with this. You cannot eat this
with your fingers. I've done it before. Then I ended
up rubbing my eye and I don't want to talk
about it. It was a long day, but it doesn't matter.

(01:41:46):
That's your next gas station snack. They don't care. You
didn't cost them any money. You're paying for the same
thing you need to make it happen, show Gun. I
agree with almost all of your takes, along with your
garbage takes regarding the War of Northern Negression. I love
Southern people when I talk about the Civil War, it's

(01:42:06):
the best. But Brisket, this is a bridge too far. Many,
many famous Texans were not born here but chose to
live here and become Texans, such as Travis Bowie, Houston,
Bob Wills, George H. W Bush, Chuck Norris, and until
a few days ago, Jesse Kelly. We still love you

(01:42:27):
and welcome you here, but we cannot in good conscience
consider you to be a Texan. And seriously, North Carolina barbecue,
of all the other barbecue that you could have picked,
that is the least edible. It only takes like two
hours to drive across that puny state, if you even
call it a state. I know, deep in your heart

(01:42:47):
of heart, you know brisket is awesome. That's why you
were turning your microphone off and on. We know it
was you because Jewish producer Chris simply doesn't exist. Go
take a look in the mirror and take a cold shower.
You can use my name, fat Tim, He says, PS,
thanks for entertaining me. My girls are still a little
too young, but they will be listening to this show

(01:43:09):
when they're older, hoping you'll still be on the air
by them. Happy San Concino Day, Texas forever regards. Brisket's
not that good. I'm sorry, turn the mic back on, Chris.
It's not that good. Look, I didn't say it was bad.

(01:43:32):
I didn't say it was bad. It's not that good.
If you would have put a delicious sausage in front
of me, like they have all over Texas. They have
jalapeno cheddar sausages, you put one of those in front
of me, or brisket. I'm picking the sausage every single
day of the week, and twice on Sunday. I understand
I can have both, Chris, it was an either or scenario.

(01:43:59):
I don't have to tell anybody what kind of brisket
I smoked. Okay, I don't have to. It was brisket.
I realized the five hours saying that on the air
has opened me up to some severe criticism. The emails
that are tearing me apart for that. I'm not a cook, Okay,
I make Okay, I make the best cheeseburgers in the

(01:44:19):
history of the world. I'm not even just bragging. I
really do. I make no bones about that. I make
breakfast for dinner. I make eggs, not that that takes
a lot of skill. I make bacon and eggs of
all kinds. Beyond that, oh, I actually do make a
really good steak. Now. I have a big cast iron pan,
and I do steak and see it and everything I
do it, I do a very good steak. I'll say

(01:44:39):
that much. Beyond that, I am white trash, Okay. I
eat a lot of cheese whiz and Star Crunch and
Kraft mac and cheese and stuff like that. I'm not
one of you pit masters from Texas or North Carolina
or Kansas City or Mississippi or anywhere else where. I
grew up and was raised underneath a smoker. That's not

(01:45:02):
it what Chris Chris said. If I don't master brisket,
I can't have a brisket breakfast taco. Why would I
ever want a brisket breadcast breakfast taco When Terizo breakfast.
Tacos exist Terzo is vastly superior to brisket. Sorry, it's true.

(01:45:22):
Where's my Friedo Bandido? Friedo Bandido would agree with me?
Which is superior? Friedo Bandido tell us, I am detwoggy.
I like Fricco stunts. I love them. Do I want
fritos from you? I yea yea yeah, Oh I am Difrito.

(01:45:48):
Give me Rico's county. I'll be your friend. Defrito Bundo,
you must not have been now. Ah, that is so beautiful.
Chris is so beauty. You know you're singing it along now.
We're not going to get in trouble. I mean, we
might get in trouble, but how many times have we
gotten in trouble on this show for saying offensive things

(01:46:08):
like a thousand times? The beauty of it is my
people don't care. They don't care at all. For some
absurd reason, the show numbers can continue to rock it up,
and so they don't care. I can't change who I am.
I can't. I can't change who I am now that
I'm huge, this huge celebrity, Chris, very important celebrity. All right,

(01:46:32):
Ask doctor Jesse questions, what about national divorce again. Hang on,

(01:46:55):
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(01:47:16):
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(01:47:40):
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(01:48:18):
This isn't what we agreed to, Chris. We agreed that
we were going to come back with the greatest jingle
of all time. I yeah, yeah, yeah, I am Deefrito
bunte O Eggy. I like Rito storm chips. I love them.
Might do I want printos scrunchips. I'll get them from you.

(01:48:41):
I yea yea yea oh. I am Defrito Buntito. Give
me ritos coruncryps and I'll be your friend, Defrito Bunty.
Though you must not upail munch Munch Munch mun It's
so good. Welcome back to the Jesse Kelly Show with me.

(01:49:04):
Sombrero Jesse. That song they get played on repeat all
day on Cinco de Mayo. That is the greatest thing ever. Again,
it's an ask doctor Jesse Thursday. We normally do this
on Friday, but I'm not going to be here tomorrow.
B K will be filling in. I have something I

(01:49:25):
have to go do that I'm not allowed to tell
you about, but I'll be able to tell you about
on Monday. So I'll tell you all about it on Monday.
It's top secret. Nobody knows. Dear showgun. On the national
divorce idea, in your mind, how would it look for business?
Would you begin aggressively plussing up the military in our

(01:49:45):
new country with real war fighters. With the left so
focused on feminizing the current military, would ours be able
to mop them up almost immediately if we want it
on who is running the country. Do you think Joe
Biden has more power than we I think I tend
to think she may be one of the real power
players behind the scene and may explain the Kamala border thing.

(01:50:05):
Your thoughts. First of all, in our new country, business
would be booming in the Republic of Jesse, absolutely booming,
because we're gonna be free. It's gonna be I mean,
there's a reason that places like Hong Kong are absurdly profitable.
That's just I've never been, but everybody I know who's

(01:50:28):
been to Hong Kong says it's insane how free it is.
And so it just exploded. Business wise. Free markets work,
they work really well. What Chris, am I sure? I
want to go with Republic of Jesse. We can call
it jesse Land if you'd rather. I don't care. It's
gonna be something along those lines. What Chris, You know what?

(01:50:51):
I do like that better Kingdom of Jesse is probably
better Kingdom of Jesse. I like the good call, good call, Chris. Anyway,
the Kingdom of Jesse, you asked about our military. I
do not believe in a large standing military. Our founders
did not believe it. They all of them. This was universal.
They believed it was hostile to liberty. It has proven

(01:51:13):
to be very much. So. We will have an absurdly powerful,
technologically advanced navy. We will have an absurdly powerful or
at least technologically advanced air force. We will have a small,
small land force of some of the most highly trained

(01:51:34):
fighters in the world. Yes, we will always be ready
to ramp up at a moment's notice should the rest
of our population be needed to fight a big land war.
But I do not believe in a large land force.
I simply do not. As far as Joe Biden goes,
I am going to say something that's completely opinion. Sometimes

(01:51:55):
I get inside knowledge because of people, and I know,
and I tell you about that, and I tell you
when I have inside knowledge of it. Somebody told me this,
who I know. Nobody has told me this. I want
to clarify I am just from the outside looking in.
I think Jill Biden swings a big, big hammer. I
think she does. I think she is an absurdly ambitious woman.

(01:52:20):
I well, this is going to sound very harsh, but
I view things like dementia and Alzheimer's and things like
that very I take that stuff very seriously. If you've
ever seen a loved one go through that, or a
loved one go through that with one of their loved ones,
you know, you know it is gut wrenching. It is

(01:52:42):
terrible to watch somebody, somebody you love, lose who they are,
and not only lose who they are, forget who you are.
How much does that hurt, even though it's not their fault.
I've seen how much that wounds people, and how mean
and nasty they Yet you've seen how Joe Biden has
these fits of rage. Remember when he was poking reporters

(01:53:05):
in the chest and yelling at people. He called some
guy fat. You just have these little fits of rage
like that. I really, really do not think highly of
Jill Biden for allowing her husband, who is on his
last last year's I mean, I'm not I don't want
any harm to come to the man, but clearly going

(01:53:26):
downhill quickly, allowing him to do that and run for
president and be president in his last years, I think
that is so grossly out of line. I think a
wife should absolutely have stepped in and told him what
to do. She probably can't, but stepped in and even
gone public with it if possible, and said, absolutely not,

(01:53:48):
my husband in his final years is going to have
rest and care and we're going to hang out together
and we're gonna go to Florida and relax. And instead
she let the somebody who's already fading, someone who needs rest,
She let him take over the most stressful job in
the world. I think that is disgusting. I despise Michelle Obama,

(01:54:13):
despise her because I think she's a full out America
Hayden communist. I like Michelle Obama better than I like
Joe Biden. That's that's how much I look down on
Joe Biden I do. I think that is so out
of line, so out of line to let your husband
do that. Doctor soon to soon to be Sombrero Jesse.
It is soon, Chris, you realize how quickly Cinco de

(01:54:36):
Mayo is coming up on us. The Freedo Bandido will
be there for us. Doctor soon to be Sombrero Jesse.
Your take yesterday on the ability to be a spy
is perplexing to me. Well, for one, let me recap
for those who missed it yesterday. Whenever we watch spy
movies or something like that at the house, I always

(01:54:57):
say to the wife, I should have been a spy,
or I'll say it my buddies, that should have been
a spy. And they laugh and they say, you're so stupid,
you're huge, and you're loud. You could never be a spy.
And I'm six eight, two thirty, and I admit my
voice does carry a little bit. A little shut up, Chris,
a little bit. My voice carries a little bit. However,

(01:55:19):
I can be an absolute shadow when I want to be.
I can disappear. I can you know you've never seen
it anyway. That was my take on it. He says,
you always say you're the last man on earth that
can tell a secret to and take it to the grave.
Does it bring doesn't being a spy? You go one
hundred percent against this rule. And don't tell me you
could be a spy against commies because you couldn't spend

(01:55:40):
an hour around one without some anti communist statement coming
out of your mouth. You can say my name, your
name is Cody, or his name is Cody. I can look.
That doesn't count as the secret is that I'm a spy.
If I'm being a spy against commies, I'll worm my
way into their inner circle and I'll gather all their

(01:56:02):
nuclear codes or whatever it is as spies to and
I'll wear the tuxedo, you know, And of course all
the Chinese communists women will be all over me like
they wear with James Bond, and I'll reject them, Chris,
because we don't do we don't deal with communists here.
And I'll have fancy Chris don't. No, no, Chris, don't.
And I'll have exploding shoes or whatever fancy gadgets. There

(01:56:26):
was this one James Bond I saw where he had
a pen that was a grenade I've wanted a grenade
pen so badly ever since. Oh that was Golden Eye?
Was that movie? Golden Eye grew underrated James Bond movie,
He had a grenade pen. Gosh, I want a grenade
pen so bad. I'm gonna get one. I'm gonna get one.
Listening to your show today, after sending a question earlier,

(01:56:48):
and if possible, and I'm not being too much of
an insane narcissist, I'd like to append my earlier question
to add, what makes you think Republicans wouldn't turn in
their guns? Most of them spent the last year locked
in their homes thinking they were a rebel for only
wearing one face diaper. Okay, just r fifteens, they look
scary and maybe pistols. He's essentially saying Republicans will turn

(01:57:12):
in their guns if told to turn in their guns.
I have thoughts on this, says you can imagine. I'll
tell you in just a second. Jesse Kelly on air

(01:57:43):
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Wait did they just say one in three adults has
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(01:58:28):
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(01:58:49):
I yea, I am. I like I want sum from you.
I give me your friend, though you must not have it.

(01:59:20):
Is the Jesse Kelly Show on a rare ask doctor
Jesse Thursday eight seven seven three seven seven four three
seven three Jesse at Jesse Kelly show dot com. You
can find me on social media on Twitter and Instagram
at Jesse Kelly DC. I'm also on Facebook. I'm also

(01:59:41):
on locals. That's the place I can't be kicked off.
The question was what makes you think Republicans won't turn
in their guns? Well, I do think Republicans will turn
in their guns, just not all. I I understand, and
I moved forward here understanding what we face. With my

(02:00:05):
eyes wide open, wide open, I understand that a small
percentage of us are going to have to carry the
burden that's not unique. That's the history of the world.
I mean, you know something they don't teach you about
the American Revolution. Do you know what percentage of the
country rebelled against the British and created the greatest country

(02:00:29):
the world has ever known? Thirty an equal percentage of
the country fought with the British, fought on their side.
They were called loyalists, and thirty percent of the country
didn't care, didn't carry the way. Three out of ten

(02:00:51):
people are the reason you have existed in the United
States of America. I am very aware going forward that
there aren't going to be many of us left. I
will tell you. Maybe you didn't, that's fine. I have
used the coronavirus stuff as a big revealer, I'll say

(02:01:14):
I have used the coronavirus stuff as a way to
tell exactly who I can count on and who I can't. Oh,
I don't get me wrong. I realize every single political
pundit you know is now anti this and anti lockdown
and anti this, and we won't stand for this, and
this crushes liberty. And I remember exactly where you were

(02:01:38):
on day one of the lockdowns, and you were right
there with everybody else. Go home, hide, we're all gonna die,
because that was the popular, easy position to take at
the time. That's where ninety nine percent of the right,
at least the pundits and politicians on the right, they
were all taking that. I remember the heat I took

(02:02:02):
because the second they even suggested lockdowns, I said, are
you out of your freaking mind? It's going to wreck
the economy and it's not even lawful. You can't do that.
And I mean friends of mine, good friends of mine,
politicians and pundits blowing up my phone in private, Hey man,
are you sure about that. I actually had people that

(02:02:23):
I know say, hey, man, you might want to don't
say that on the air. Dude, Hey, you're gonna get
if you're crazy, a man of millions of people are
gonna die. Just shut up. Hey, you should delete that tweet.
Man said, Now, oh I'm good, I'm gonna be right,
and you should really think about taking the hard stance. Now.
That way, a false narrative doesn't get set and we

(02:02:45):
aren't screwed. Well, they didn't take a hard stance. There
weren't enough of us that drew a line in the sand,
and now we're screwed. You understand. We haven't even begun
to sniff the financial fallout of the coronavirus stuff yet. Right,
You do get that, You understand the commercial real estate
market that is absolutely going to implode on itself. I'm

(02:03:08):
staring out my window at a bunch of empty skyscrapers
that used to be full of offices. I'm working in
an empty skyscraper. I've told you this story before, how
I used to get to work pre coronavirus and they
have this big, multi level parking garage here and I
couldn't There were many days I could not find a
place to park, and I have to go park up
the road. I pull in my parking garage. Now there

(02:03:31):
are five cars that are parked in the parking garage
total every day. What do you think happened there? The
companies aren't leasing anymore, They're pulling out. Money is owed
that can't be paid. That there is a huge domino
effect coming these big cities. You think it's bad now

(02:03:52):
in the big cities with the crime and stuff. Oh,
you may have gotten a little temporary reprieve because Joe
Biden won the election and started stroking checks to all
these big communist cities those are one time checks. Jack.
You can't print money, and you dummies, with your coronavirus lockdowns,
slaughtered your small business as you slaughtered your revenue stream

(02:04:14):
out of the cities. The financial fallout for coronavirus will
be felt for decades because not enough people stood up.
So yes, I'm well aware most people will just turn
in their guns because they don't want to get in trouble.
You have one fully grown, seven hundred pound adult male
grizzly bear and one thirteen hundred pound adult male moose

(02:04:38):
in a fifty foot diameter coliseum. It's a fight to
the death, and both are as angry as naturally possible.
Two beast center, one beat sleeves. Who wins. The grizzly
bear is going to win. It just has more weapons.
And I've told the story before. I wish I could

(02:05:00):
find it. I'd put it on the show Twitter there.
I've seen a video of a grizzly bear dragging along
a fully grown moose that it had killed. And it
wasn't that it was dragging it. It was dragging it
like you or I would carry along a piece of paper.
It was not difficult for it at all. They're made
of muscle. We're not quite done yet. Hang on. No

(02:05:37):
word in English language is less convincing than probably. Are
you sure we should get matching tattoos on our first feat? Sure?
We'll probably stay together. Probably. It's been twenty three minutes
since I ate. I can probably swim. You should wait
thirty minutes. Okay, I don't tell me about to do

(02:05:59):
candid book. Oh, cramp, I have a cramp. I can
probably hit the green from here? Probably? Can I get
a mulligan ready to go? Hey? Are you sure you're
okay to drive? Yeah? I'm pretty sober. Yeah, I'm probably okay.

(02:06:25):
Probably okay isn't okay, especially when it comes to drinking
and driving. If you're drinking, call a cab, a car,
or a friend. Buzz driving is drunk driving. A message
brought to you by Nitza and AD Council. It is

(02:06:54):
the Jesse Kelly Show. It's been an awesome day. If
you missed any part of the show, you can catch
a podcast of the show on iHeart, on Google, on
Spotify and iTunes. The opening of our show today a
sweet ancient Roman battle between the Romans and the Parsians
and swords and bows. It was awesome. Crassis meets his end.

(02:07:18):
You might want to catch that one. I will not
be here tomorrow. The BK of World News with BK
will be here tomorrow. I will be back Monday. Yes,
I have to go do something that I'm not allowed
to tell you about. That's why I won't be here.
I will tell you on Monday. Don't worry. I'm not
gonna sneak in here on Monday and act like it

(02:07:39):
didn't happen. I'll tell you exactly where I was and
what I was doing. Enjoy your weekend, Keep your chin up.
That's all Newton Group Transfer. They are here to help

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(02:09:00):
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