November 18, 2024 • 14 mins
Given the complexities of raising kids in our hyper-connected world, now more than ever, parents play a crucial role in their teens' lives. Our guest is family counselor Susan Caso, a mother of three, who also draws on her 20 years of clinical experience for her new book, THE PARENT-TEEN CONNECTION: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. Caso offers a roadmap for parents looking to cultivate what she calls "connectedness" within their families that safeguards teens in today's world. Susan Caso holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology and Counselor Education from the University of Colorado and undergraduate degrees in Psychology and Human Development from the University of Kansas. For more, visit susancaso.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Get Connected with Nina del Rio, a weekly
conversation about fitness, health and happenings in our community on
one oh six point seven Light FM.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Welcome and thanks for listening to Get connected. Given the
complexities of raising kids today in our hyper connected world,
now more than ever, parents play a crucial role in
their teens' lives. Our guest is family counselor Susan Casso,
a mom of three with both grown and middle school
aged children, who also draws on her twenty years of
clinical experience for her new book, The Parent Teen Connection,
(00:35):
How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. The book is a
roadmap for parents looking to cultivate which she calls connectedness
within their families that safeguards teens. Thank you for being
on the show, Susan Casso.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Thank you Nina for having me this morning.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Susan Casso holds a master's degree in Counseling, Psychology and
counselor Education from the University of Colorado and undergrad degrees
in psychology and Human development from the University of Cana.
You can find out more about her at susankassocso dot com.
There are many books and counselors who have advice on
this topic, parenting and teens. What is your approach?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Well, you know, I've been a therapist for over twenty
years and as you mentioned, a parent of three, twenty five,
twenty one, and eleven, which is quite a big span.
And I looked at what creates disconnection between parent and child,
parent and teen, and the patterns repeat and there's a
(01:32):
negative cycle of interaction that you can see. And so
I looked at what I'm doing in session with families
to create stronger connections and really what I was doing
at home, and put that in a book so parents
could really understand what they could do to create a
stronger connection with their team.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
There's something really interesting, I think, in that we all
are unique, but there's some comfort in realizing perhaps our
stories are not. We're all sort of sharing a lot
of the same worries and a lot of the same values,
and to see a way through those that is also
common is very comforting. I think.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Yeah. And I think I've heard that the client stories
and my personal stories really help people feel that they're
not alone in what they're dealing with with their own children.
And it's a very relatable.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
The stories in the book are very relatable in general.
So kids want to talk to their parents, They want
to be able to tell them about what's going on
with them. They want some guidance, perhaps with just an ear.
But if the groundwork isn't there before something crucial happens,
neither side might not know how to approach the other.
Can you talk about that?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah, you know, when we struggle, we tend to hide
and isolate, which means we're really disconnecting from those close
to us when what we really need most is connection
when we're struggling. And so we really need to lay
the ground where of open communication, where a teen can
reach out to their parent when they're struggling and be
(03:06):
transparent about what's happening for them.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
The parent might not have those skills to lay the
groundwork or even be aware of it, because they didn't
get it from their own parents. Right, There is something
that goes from generation to generation. We're just not always equipped.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
That's very true. And I know that I didn't grow
up talking about how I was feeling, and I felt
quite alone. And no fault of my parents. This isn't
about saying that they didn't do something they should. It
was just the way that it was then and so
now my mission is really to help parents understand that
(03:45):
it is okay to talk about feelings, their own feelings
with their children, and really it's modeling for their children.
That that is what we do. That's what we do
in families. We talk about how we're really doing. We
talk about how we're feeling.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Well by the time we're teenagers when we really might
need some real advice if we haven't had a relationship
that's open or built on trust. You know, it's sort
of like, am I going to start today when this
emergency comes up? How and when does that basis of
trust begin to develop in our parent child relationship and
how do you get that going.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Well? I talk about in the book in depth a
secure attachment, and that really starts with you have a baby.
We talk about bonding with our child and something called
a serve return where the baby serves up a need
and the parent responds to that need and that creates
(04:41):
a secure attachment. And as a child gets older, that
security that attachment just looks different. So the serve return
looks different. It's really about having an emotional connection with
your child.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So if you have cracks in that relationship. What would
that look like? Can you give an example of what
that might look like, say, in adolescence? And then how
do you rebuild that? Where do you start to rebuild that? Well?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think it's really important for adolescents to understand that
we're on their side and that yes, sometimes the answer
is no, but that we understand how hard it is
when the answer is no. To build the relationship, it
has to be this back and forth folly that we're
working together to help get you to adulthood.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
I want to talk a little bit more about that,
but let's remind everybody who we're speaking with. Susan Casso.
Her book is The Parent Teen Connection, How to Build
Lifelong Family Relationships. She has dedicated to herself to eliminating
stigma around mental health. Susan Case is a board member
and the mental health director of the Live project We
Will Talk About and consulted as a technical and strategic
(05:51):
advisor on the film My Sister Live. You're listening to
get Connected on one six point seven light FM. I'm
Mina del Rio. Parents again are here humans. They don't
always want to be a disciplinarian. You probably imagined you'd
be a parent and it would be like out playing
with your kids. Right. You didn't want to deal with
all the negative stuff, right? What do you tell parents
who feel like their time with their kids is more
(06:13):
of that, more negative than positive? The ratio was balanced
on one side.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
I talk to them about looking at parenting, looking at
your relationship with your child in two different roles. The
mom dad role, which is that warm, loving side where
you are you're playing outside, you're painting your nails, playing football,
cooking together. That's really cultivating the relationship. And then there's
(06:41):
that parent side, which is the discipline making sure your
kids are doing their chores and their homework, which we
do have to do as a parent. But what I
talk about is trying to stay in the mom dad's
role the majority of the time. When I talk with
teenagers and I ask them, what's the average percent do
(07:02):
you think is positive interaction with your parent? They say
around thirty percent. And when I ask them what makes
up that they talk about those things of we had
fun together? And when I ask them the seventy percent
that they perceive as negative, it's all those interactions that
start with have you when are you going to? You
(07:25):
need to? And that's not cultivating a relationship that can
feel more like a performance review really for a teenager.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
You do talk in the book about collaborating with kids
on rules. What does that look like?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
You know, I think it's best for teens to really
tell us what they need and what they want, and
if they write down what they think the boundaries should be,
and then they bring that to the parent and they
work together. That is what I've seen, you know, creates
the best results in teens actually following the boundariest are.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Set, some of those corrections arrive. Unfortunately, even though parents
don't intend it that way. In the form of bullying,
can you talk about that bullying at home and a
better way to correct someone.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Yeah, bullying does happen at home, and it's really not
a place for bullying to happen. I mean, our kids
are out there right now in the world and it's hard.
Middle school's hard, high school's hard. Social media is just
another place where kids are bullied and treated with cruelty,
(08:39):
and so at home, it's really again about having regulated
conversations where you're not yelling. You know, they model us
if we're not going to yell, they're not going to yell.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Well, well, since you bring up the internet. Also for
adults too. You look at your social media and you
see a kitten video, and you see something terrible. Kids
are also seeing the same things right, tremendously scary things,
true life events, and then they're seeing something really silly.
What should we What are your thoughts about how kids
receive that.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I don't think kids. First of all, I don't think
kids should be on social media. It's too difficult. They
can't process what they're seeing, and just like you said,
they see something funny and then they see a disaster
and it's really hard for them to understand, and they
get desensitized to disaster, like it actually increases fear, like
(09:34):
it's everywhere.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Assuming we're talking to like a sixteen year old perhaps
or somebody maybe, I don't know. If you feel like
there's a right time for social media, well, what should
we be talking about with kids when they see those
images anywhere?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
I think delaying social media is really important. I don't
think kids can process what they see, and when we
do allow them sixteen years or older to have social media,
we really need to be talking to them about the
thoughts and feelings that can come up with social media used.
We also need to be talking to them about how
what they see impacts how they feel about themselves, their
(10:10):
self worth. Talk to them about compare despair. That is
such a big thing right now, especially with young women,
that they're looking at social media and looking at themselves
saying I don't look like that. I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Back to the books, specifically, when we try to share
affection physical affection, especially with our kids, and they are resistant,
what is that signify to you?
Speaker 3 (10:36):
It's something to examine and it's something to talk to
your kids about of what is the resistance. It's pretty
normal for kids to go through different stages where they
don't want to be cuddling with their parent on the couch,
which can be hard for the parent, and we need
to respect their boundaries. There are other things that we
can do that show physical affection. That could be brushing
(11:00):
a girl's hair, painting their nails, or rubbing your son's
head as you walk by, but touch is very important
for kids.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
In the book, you talk about different ways of communicating
or different ways parents communicate, and they kind of boil
down to passive or aggressive or some combination of both.
Most of the time. What is empathetic communication and how
could that help in a heated situation.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
First of all, it's really important to slow things down
when you're communicating with your teen and making sure that
you're regulated, because again, if you're regulated, your child is
more likely to be regulated as well. Being empathetic with
anyone is really important. People want to be heard, they
(11:46):
want people to listen. Children are no different, and so
saying no, you can't have that and leaving the conversation
instead of coming back and saying I understand and that
this is hard for you and I'm sorry that the
answer is no, things will go very differently.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You do have an example in the book of a
particular situation like that where when the son heard why
he couldn't go to I think it was baseball practice. Yeah,
the other gave him the reasons. The reason I said
no was because I'm a single mother. I can't get
you to practice. I can't afford it. Like, just a
little bit of detail gave him some room to go, Okay,
I get it now.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
He had empathy for her and her situation. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, in our last minute or so, can you tell
us about the Live project?
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Sure, I'm the mental health director of the Live Project
and it's an amazing organization. Our mission is to turn
the tide of you suicide and we have a film
called My Sister Live. We have a game, the Game
that goes there. We do private screenings of the film
and we do a panel discussion afterwards and have open conversations.
(12:59):
And after the film, it's amazing people start opening up
about their own struggles, their mental health, They reach out
to their family members and it really opens a conversation
between parent and child about mental health and suicide.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
You can find out more about the Live Project at
the lifproject dot org. It's liv project dot org and
our guest has been Susan Casso. The book is The
Parent Teen Connection, How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. Any
parting thoughts you want to leave the audience with I do.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
My hope is that parents will read this book and
feel my compassion of how hard it is to raise
teenagers and that if you had a difficult upbringing that
can make it even harder. I also hope they understand
what it's really like to be a teenager right now,
because it is hard, and that if they do even
(13:55):
a few things in the book that they can really
shift the connection with their child in a positive way.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I'll say the title again in case anybody missed it.
The Parent teen Connection how to Build Lifelong Family Relationships
by Susan Casso. Thank you for being on Get Connected.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Thank you so.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Much for having meus.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
This has been Get Connected with Nina del Rio on
one oh six point seven light Fm. The views and
opinions of our guests do not necessarily reflect the views
of the station. If you missed any part of our
show or want to share it, visit our website for
downloads and podcasts at one oh six to seven lightfm
dot com. Thanks for listening.
Welcome to Get Connected with Nina del Rio, a weekly
conversation about fitness, health and happenings in our community on
one oh six point seven Light FM.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Welcome and thanks for listening to Get connected. Given the
complexities of raising kids today in our hyper connected world,
now more than ever, parents play a crucial role in
their teens' lives. Our guest is family counselor Susan Casso,
a mom of three with both grown and middle school
aged children, who also draws on her twenty years of
clinical experience for her new book, The Parent Teen Connection,
(00:35):
How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. The book is a
roadmap for parents looking to cultivate which she calls connectedness
within their families that safeguards teens. Thank you for being
on the show, Susan Casso.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Thank you Nina for having me this morning.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Susan Casso holds a master's degree in Counseling, Psychology and
counselor Education from the University of Colorado and undergrad degrees
in psychology and Human development from the University of Cana.
You can find out more about her at susankassocso dot com.
There are many books and counselors who have advice on
this topic, parenting and teens. What is your approach?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Well, you know, I've been a therapist for over twenty
years and as you mentioned, a parent of three, twenty five,
twenty one, and eleven, which is quite a big span.
And I looked at what creates disconnection between parent and child,
parent and teen, and the patterns repeat and there's a
(01:32):
negative cycle of interaction that you can see. And so
I looked at what I'm doing in session with families
to create stronger connections and really what I was doing
at home, and put that in a book so parents
could really understand what they could do to create a
stronger connection with their team.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
There's something really interesting, I think, in that we all
are unique, but there's some comfort in realizing perhaps our
stories are not. We're all sort of sharing a lot
of the same worries and a lot of the same values,
and to see a way through those that is also
common is very comforting. I think.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Yeah. And I think I've heard that the client stories
and my personal stories really help people feel that they're
not alone in what they're dealing with with their own children.
And it's a very relatable.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
The stories in the book are very relatable in general.
So kids want to talk to their parents, They want
to be able to tell them about what's going on
with them. They want some guidance, perhaps with just an ear.
But if the groundwork isn't there before something crucial happens,
neither side might not know how to approach the other.
Can you talk about that?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah, you know, when we struggle, we tend to hide
and isolate, which means we're really disconnecting from those close
to us when what we really need most is connection
when we're struggling. And so we really need to lay
the ground where of open communication, where a teen can
reach out to their parent when they're struggling and be
(03:06):
transparent about what's happening for them.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
The parent might not have those skills to lay the
groundwork or even be aware of it, because they didn't
get it from their own parents. Right, There is something
that goes from generation to generation. We're just not always equipped.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
That's very true. And I know that I didn't grow
up talking about how I was feeling, and I felt
quite alone. And no fault of my parents. This isn't
about saying that they didn't do something they should. It
was just the way that it was then and so
now my mission is really to help parents understand that
(03:45):
it is okay to talk about feelings, their own feelings
with their children, and really it's modeling for their children.
That that is what we do. That's what we do
in families. We talk about how we're really doing. We
talk about how we're feeling.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Well by the time we're teenagers when we really might
need some real advice if we haven't had a relationship
that's open or built on trust. You know, it's sort
of like, am I going to start today when this
emergency comes up? How and when does that basis of
trust begin to develop in our parent child relationship and
how do you get that going.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Well? I talk about in the book in depth a
secure attachment, and that really starts with you have a baby.
We talk about bonding with our child and something called
a serve return where the baby serves up a need
and the parent responds to that need and that creates
(04:41):
a secure attachment. And as a child gets older, that
security that attachment just looks different. So the serve return
looks different. It's really about having an emotional connection with
your child.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So if you have cracks in that relationship. What would
that look like? Can you give an example of what
that might look like, say, in adolescence? And then how
do you rebuild that? Where do you start to rebuild that? Well?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think it's really important for adolescents to understand that
we're on their side and that yes, sometimes the answer
is no, but that we understand how hard it is
when the answer is no. To build the relationship, it
has to be this back and forth folly that we're
working together to help get you to adulthood.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
I want to talk a little bit more about that,
but let's remind everybody who we're speaking with. Susan Casso.
Her book is The Parent Teen Connection, How to Build
Lifelong Family Relationships. She has dedicated to herself to eliminating
stigma around mental health. Susan Case is a board member
and the mental health director of the Live project We
Will Talk About and consulted as a technical and strategic
(05:51):
advisor on the film My Sister Live. You're listening to
get Connected on one six point seven light FM. I'm
Mina del Rio. Parents again are here humans. They don't
always want to be a disciplinarian. You probably imagined you'd
be a parent and it would be like out playing
with your kids. Right. You didn't want to deal with
all the negative stuff, right? What do you tell parents
who feel like their time with their kids is more
(06:13):
of that, more negative than positive? The ratio was balanced
on one side.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
I talk to them about looking at parenting, looking at
your relationship with your child in two different roles. The
mom dad role, which is that warm, loving side where
you are you're playing outside, you're painting your nails, playing football,
cooking together. That's really cultivating the relationship. And then there's
(06:41):
that parent side, which is the discipline making sure your
kids are doing their chores and their homework, which we
do have to do as a parent. But what I
talk about is trying to stay in the mom dad's
role the majority of the time. When I talk with
teenagers and I ask them, what's the average percent do
(07:02):
you think is positive interaction with your parent? They say
around thirty percent. And when I ask them what makes
up that they talk about those things of we had
fun together? And when I ask them the seventy percent
that they perceive as negative, it's all those interactions that
start with have you when are you going to? You
(07:25):
need to? And that's not cultivating a relationship that can
feel more like a performance review really for a teenager.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
You do talk in the book about collaborating with kids
on rules. What does that look like?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
You know, I think it's best for teens to really
tell us what they need and what they want, and
if they write down what they think the boundaries should be,
and then they bring that to the parent and they
work together. That is what I've seen, you know, creates
the best results in teens actually following the boundariest are.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Set, some of those corrections arrive. Unfortunately, even though parents
don't intend it that way. In the form of bullying,
can you talk about that bullying at home and a
better way to correct someone.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Yeah, bullying does happen at home, and it's really not
a place for bullying to happen. I mean, our kids
are out there right now in the world and it's hard.
Middle school's hard, high school's hard. Social media is just
another place where kids are bullied and treated with cruelty,
(08:39):
and so at home, it's really again about having regulated
conversations where you're not yelling. You know, they model us
if we're not going to yell, they're not going to yell.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Well, well, since you bring up the internet. Also for
adults too. You look at your social media and you
see a kitten video, and you see something terrible. Kids
are also seeing the same things right, tremendously scary things,
true life events, and then they're seeing something really silly.
What should we What are your thoughts about how kids
receive that.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I don't think kids. First of all, I don't think
kids should be on social media. It's too difficult. They
can't process what they're seeing, and just like you said,
they see something funny and then they see a disaster
and it's really hard for them to understand, and they
get desensitized to disaster, like it actually increases fear, like
(09:34):
it's everywhere.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Assuming we're talking to like a sixteen year old perhaps
or somebody maybe, I don't know. If you feel like
there's a right time for social media, well, what should
we be talking about with kids when they see those
images anywhere?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
I think delaying social media is really important. I don't
think kids can process what they see, and when we
do allow them sixteen years or older to have social media,
we really need to be talking to them about the
thoughts and feelings that can come up with social media used.
We also need to be talking to them about how
what they see impacts how they feel about themselves, their
(10:10):
self worth. Talk to them about compare despair. That is
such a big thing right now, especially with young women,
that they're looking at social media and looking at themselves
saying I don't look like that. I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Back to the books, specifically, when we try to share
affection physical affection, especially with our kids, and they are resistant,
what is that signify to you?
Speaker 3 (10:36):
It's something to examine and it's something to talk to
your kids about of what is the resistance. It's pretty
normal for kids to go through different stages where they
don't want to be cuddling with their parent on the couch,
which can be hard for the parent, and we need
to respect their boundaries. There are other things that we
can do that show physical affection. That could be brushing
(11:00):
a girl's hair, painting their nails, or rubbing your son's
head as you walk by, but touch is very important
for kids.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
In the book, you talk about different ways of communicating
or different ways parents communicate, and they kind of boil
down to passive or aggressive or some combination of both.
Most of the time. What is empathetic communication and how
could that help in a heated situation.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
First of all, it's really important to slow things down
when you're communicating with your teen and making sure that
you're regulated, because again, if you're regulated, your child is
more likely to be regulated as well. Being empathetic with
anyone is really important. People want to be heard, they
(11:46):
want people to listen. Children are no different, and so
saying no, you can't have that and leaving the conversation
instead of coming back and saying I understand and that
this is hard for you and I'm sorry that the
answer is no, things will go very differently.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You do have an example in the book of a
particular situation like that where when the son heard why
he couldn't go to I think it was baseball practice. Yeah,
the other gave him the reasons. The reason I said
no was because I'm a single mother. I can't get
you to practice. I can't afford it. Like, just a
little bit of detail gave him some room to go, Okay,
I get it now.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
He had empathy for her and her situation. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, in our last minute or so, can you tell
us about the Live project?
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Sure, I'm the mental health director of the Live Project
and it's an amazing organization. Our mission is to turn
the tide of you suicide and we have a film
called My Sister Live. We have a game, the Game
that goes there. We do private screenings of the film
and we do a panel discussion afterwards and have open conversations.
(12:59):
And after the film, it's amazing people start opening up
about their own struggles, their mental health, They reach out
to their family members and it really opens a conversation
between parent and child about mental health and suicide.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
You can find out more about the Live Project at
the lifproject dot org. It's liv project dot org and
our guest has been Susan Casso. The book is The
Parent Teen Connection, How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. Any
parting thoughts you want to leave the audience with I do.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
My hope is that parents will read this book and
feel my compassion of how hard it is to raise
teenagers and that if you had a difficult upbringing that
can make it even harder. I also hope they understand
what it's really like to be a teenager right now,
because it is hard, and that if they do even
(13:55):
a few things in the book that they can really
shift the connection with their child in a positive way.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I'll say the title again in case anybody missed it.
The Parent teen Connection how to Build Lifelong Family Relationships
by Susan Casso. Thank you for being on Get Connected.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Thank you so.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Much for having meus.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
This has been Get Connected with Nina del Rio on
one oh six point seven light Fm. The views and
opinions of our guests do not necessarily reflect the views
of the station. If you missed any part of our
show or want to share it, visit our website for
downloads and podcasts at one oh six to seven lightfm
dot com. Thanks for listening.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com