June 12, 2024 • 16 mins
Alexander Terblanche knows the deal when it comes to relationships.
He has qualifications in psychotherapy, counselling, and human sexuality. He runs his own practice On Point Therapy, and is the relationship expert for Compatico.
He has a wealth of knowledge and joins Simon Barnett & James Daniels to answer listeners' questions.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons
podcast from News Talk ZEDB.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
We finish every second Wednesday with Alexander to Blanche. He
is the real deal when it comes to relationships. He's
got qualifications in psychotherapy and counseling and human sexuality. He
runs his own practice, it's called on Point Therapy, and
he's the relationship expert for Compatico. He really is a
fond of all information when it comes to relationships. Alexander
(00:33):
to Blanche, A very good afternoon to you.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Are you seeing Thanks for moving back, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
For coming back. If you've got a question for Alexander, oh,
eight hundred eighty ten eighty, you can protect your name.
Just havy act to Tyler and he'll keep you anonymous
if you so desire so eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
If you'd prefer, you can text us. Just text your
question to nine two nine two. Alexander's with us for
twenty minutes or so.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Got a text here, Alexander, and it's pretty simple. It says, Hi,
I've been on Tinder for two years now and I
still haven't got anybody. Do you have any tips?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Yeah, some some some tips for someone on Tinder for
two years. I think firstly, maybe it's time to get off.
And I mean that, you know, in the nicest possible way.
I think the longer that we're on something like that,
the more we can kind of become, you know, entrenched
in the game, or we're entrenched in the process, and
(01:28):
we can become numb, we can become disheartened. And there
are some amazing single people outside of apps. Perhaps if
you're putting all your energy into that, you know you're
missing you're missing other opportunities.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Is there a sense of failure?
Speaker 4 (01:44):
Though?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
If you've been on tender for two years, will there
be a sense of failure if nothing's come of it
and then you're sitting there going, well, I'm actually unlovable.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I mean, I could understand how some people might interpret
it that way. I think I think apps, in particular
dating apps are set up really well for a small
portion of the population, and they work incredibly well because
they're based on metrics that are quite superficial, But the
vast majority of the population aren't actually sort of you know,
(02:15):
the apps aren't working in their favor, and so yeah,
I think it's a really common experience that people are
on there for a long period of time, becoming disheartened
taking it personally, when actually it's not really to do
with them, it's just the way that these things are
set up.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
We were discussing about an hour ago or so Alexander,
and it turned in an amazing discussion actually about the
age gap for some relationships and how that's becoming increasingly
common in New Zealand, that these quite large age gaps,
and we had so many really interesting people phone up.
Some guys particularly said that they one of the hardest
things they find is if they go out and people
(02:53):
make a comment saying to them oh, it's good that
you've brought your daughter along or something like that, and
that's they find that really acute. Is there any tips
you have as a relationship expert on how to cope
with a significant age gap in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
To cope with it within the relationship or to cope
with people judging it.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
But kind of both in a way.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I subscribe to you know, age is largely just a number.
There's there's a nine year gap between myself and my partner,
you know, and we have a fantastic relationship. If I
do say so myself, but but I don't. I don't
see it as an issue. I think, you know, other
people are open to their own opinions and will have them,
(03:37):
and there are some you know that have opinions of
what an age gap should be. You know, each to
their own. But I think as long as the relationship
you know, the important things of open communication, you know,
you're continuing to grow, to share, to experience together. I
don't think that age, you know, has a whole lot
(03:58):
of an impact on those things that make and sustain
a good quality relationship. Mm hmm.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
I just wondering, is the nine year age difference where
you're the older in your relationship?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yes, yeah, that's right.
Speaker 4 (04:12):
Okay, Hey, text has asked there's a big thing in
relationship that many people after the honeymoon phase let themselves
go to quote them let themselves go. How important is
staying fit and healthy and keeping relationships strong?
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, it's an interesting phenomena. I think. So the honeymoon
period technically is anywhere between six months and twenty four
months into a relationship. That tends to be the window.
Some couples can last longer, but that can also start
to point into couples that are potentially conflict avoidant, so
(04:50):
generally speaking six months to twenty four months. And what
happens is within that initial period, we're really driven, motivated
by being seen by our partners, to be accepted, to
feel connected, and so it takes effort to show up
to maintain our health, well being, our presentation. But we're
rewarded with this increased experience of comfort and security. But
(05:15):
then we reach this period where at about roughly two years,
the comfort in the security is there. And what happens
is for many of us we just then stop trying.
But I guess the importance is when we do stop
taking care of ourselves, then we start to experience things
(05:35):
I guess lower self esteem, an impact on our mood,
on our energy levels, and all of those things then
start to take its toll on our relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Right. Here's a really interesting text that's just come in
and they say, please, guys, I don't want to mention
my name. I'm married without the lust in my marriage,
but I have fallen for a girl fifteen years younger
than me. I'm sixty, she's forty five. She knows I've
fallen for her, and she encourages it. We have not
been together yet. I can't escape this girl as we
(06:07):
are in the same work circle. I think about it
all the time. It's doing my head in the advice please,
so just.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
To recap, sorry, the Texture is married and is experiencing
an attraction for someone at work.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Correct enough, person's fifteen years younger.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Yeah, I don't think the age gap has anything to
do with the equation really in this situation. I think
the fact that the texture and is married is probably
more significant than the age gap with the person at work.
What I would say is it's normal to have attraction
(06:45):
for people outside of our relationships. It becomes problematic when
we act on them, or when we start to take
our energy away from the marriage or the relationship and
invest it in spending time, you know, in this other person.
So strong strong advice is to not act on it
(07:06):
at all. And it sounds like perhaps there's a conversation
that needs to be had with your partner about what
it is that you're missing that you would like within
your existing relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I reckon that is excellent advice. Alexander. I read a
book because I've always been fascinated in relationships, and I
read a book some years ago about that very scenario,
Ready and the author of the book suggested, if it
was such a powerful kind of attraction, they suggested it
was better to actually leave the place of work and
(07:39):
in some cases leave the town if you couldn't shake them.
Do you reckon that's fair or is that overblown?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I mean, it does sound quite extreme, But I think
first and foremost, we should be doing whatever we can
to protect the well being of our relationship, to make
sure that we're staying as invested in that as we
possibly can. And if it gets to the point where
we are finding it too much of a distraction, then yeah,
I've certainly experienced clients who have left their place of work,
(08:10):
not move countries, but left their place of work, you know,
in order to remove themselves from whatever that temptation is,
you know. And it would be the same if it
was if it was gambling, or if it was drinking,
or you know, you remove the thing or get away
from or put barriers in place, and all of a
sudden it becomes easier to remain true and committed to
(08:32):
what it is that you truly value.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Very good advice. We are with Alexander Tablanche Relationship expert
if you have a question eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Nancy's given us a call. Hello, Nancy, Hi, Hi, Alexander's
standing by.
Speaker 5 (08:48):
Thank you, Alexander. I'd like to have a greater understanding
of how to communicate more effectively. When I'm speaking with
my husband and I'll comment on something called ask him
a question, the first thing they've happens is that he
asked me a question back, and I don't know how
(09:11):
to resolve that.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
How is that an issue?
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Nancy?
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Just can you expand on that.
Speaker 5 (09:19):
I just find it really difficult that I'm asking a
question and he'll ask that question back I've just asked.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Mm hmmm, Alexander.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, yeah, thanks for calling in, Nancy. It's I think
some of us are taught or learn that a great
way to stay connected is to be interested, right, And
so you know, there may be the sort of this
default in you've asked a question, I'm asking a question,
But it sounds like what you're wanting is you're wanting
(09:57):
to just to engage in a way where he answers,
he sits there, he's he's sort of with you without
trying to turn it into a conversation. He's available to
answer your questions. I think with any communication pattern in
a relationship, we all have set patterns that we fall into,
(10:21):
and one of the ways in which we can change
them is we can actually have a conversation about how
we have conversations. Does that make sense yes? As yeah,
and so let him let him know that, Hey, look,
you know, I really appreciate you asking questions back and
(10:42):
wanting to be interested. But what I really would like
is if you were able to answer the questions and
to sort of sit down and then maybe we can
take turns. Is that something.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
I have? Yes? I did actually suggest that once before
and say, I've just asked you this question and now
you're asking it back, but I need to I need
you to answer that question. And when when I've asked
you a question or commented on something, could you just
(11:16):
think about that and then instead of asking me the question,
could you answer that question? And now I struggled with
that for a little while. That that hasn't changed.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Right, And sorry? What was his response when you did
mention that to him, Nancy?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
Is that Yeah, he thought about it like he was
approachable and thought about it, But that behaviors still there
and I think, Okay, how else can I approach that?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Is there anything else you can do? Alexander, I think,
first and foremost great. I think it's so good that
you brought it to sort of his attention. What we're
what we're talking about is a pattern of communication that
often a lot of us don't realize we do, and
so it takes a little bit of reinforcing it. It takes
(12:11):
a little bit of practice. So what I would say is,
rather than having the conversation while in the conversation, meaning
you know, he might feel put on the spot when
he gets asked certain questions and so you know, driving
for more answers may may sort of dig them deeper
in the corner, I guess, So have the conversation outside
(12:32):
of the conversation. Do you mind if we have a
chat about how we communicate? What I would like is
and what do you need from me in order to
be open to trying that? So you have a bit
of a plan as a couple of how you will
deal with communication when you need to deal with it,
and then it's and then it's feedback. Right, So I
(12:54):
really appreciated when you did this, Oh can we try this?
And you're sort of learning how to communicate differently together
as a couple.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
That's very good advice. You've got time for one more question.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Texts says I don't feel valued or listened to. My
requests for intimacy get turned down repeatedly. I asked my
wife not to buy many me any alcoholic drinks because
I discussed the fact that I thought that I might
need to go to AA. She still buys me beer
and wine, and I think she's just trying to escape
from the intimacy. I brought up this fact that I
(13:28):
felt that the relationship was broken, that I felt lonely,
and May of last year, nothing's changed. She said she
didn't like conflict, to which I replied, it's not conflict,
it's communication.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
Can you give many hints? Yeah, that's that's sort of tricky,
especially if you've asked for something specific and you know
your partner's not meeting that, and when it comes to
concerns about alcoholism or anything like that, it sounds significant
(13:59):
similar to I guess the feedback to Nancy as I
would have a conversation about how we communicate and what's important.
But if this pattern has been there for a while
and it's starting to sort of veer into concerning areas
like alcoholism. Then my advice would uncertain undoubtedly big you
(14:21):
seek professional help, go and see a couple's therapists. It
sounds like something that would be really worth while. Sitting
down with a third party.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
The intimacy one that she touches on or rather heatauchs on.
There is interesting, Alexander, because I've actually discussed this with
a number of people who have felt like with intimacy,
particularly if they're women and they're rejected, it's that there's
always this feeling that, you know that men are the
ones that always are after it and dah la la,
but often that's not the case. And when women sort
(14:49):
of approach a man about it, their husbands or whatever,
they're not interested. They can be feeling awkward and awful.
What do you do about that?
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Yeah, I think intimacy. And if we're talking about intimacy,
I'm assuming we're talking about sex, yeah, like I've mentioned before,
or it's sex, parenting, money, really tricky topics, you know,
because they carry a lot of discomfort, a lot of stigma,
And what can happen is we usually try and bring
(15:19):
these things up when the boat's already rocking, if that
makes sense, which is never a good time to have
those conversations. So trying to have a conversation about sex
when you've just been rejected or you're in the process
of trying to figure out, that's not the right time
to have it. It's finding a time that feels safe
for the two of you, where it's non threatening and
(15:42):
it's an invitation. I'd like to have a conversation about
our sex lives, about intimacy. When's a good time for
you to sit down and chat.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
About it gives us both time to figure out what
it is that we want to talk about, come together,
and if you can't get that through through that conversation
by yourselves, know that it is tricky and that there
is support out there.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
Excellent.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
We really enjoyed talking with you, Alexander. It's sound advice.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
And we've got some other texts that have come in
that we'll have to wait until next time.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, thanks Alexander.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Cheers, guys, Thanks Simon, Thanks James.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Alexander de Planche from On Point Therapy. This is News
talks edb for.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
More from Simon Barnett and James Daniels. Afternoons, Listen live
to news talks EDB or follow the podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons
podcast from News Talk ZEDB.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
We finish every second Wednesday with Alexander to Blanche. He
is the real deal when it comes to relationships. He's
got qualifications in psychotherapy and counseling and human sexuality. He
runs his own practice, it's called on Point Therapy, and
he's the relationship expert for Compatico. He really is a
fond of all information when it comes to relationships. Alexander
(00:33):
to Blanche, A very good afternoon to you.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Are you seeing Thanks for moving back, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
For coming back. If you've got a question for Alexander, oh,
eight hundred eighty ten eighty, you can protect your name.
Just havy act to Tyler and he'll keep you anonymous
if you so desire so eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
If you'd prefer, you can text us. Just text your
question to nine two nine two. Alexander's with us for
twenty minutes or so.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Got a text here, Alexander, and it's pretty simple. It says, Hi,
I've been on Tinder for two years now and I
still haven't got anybody. Do you have any tips?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Yeah, some some some tips for someone on Tinder for
two years. I think firstly, maybe it's time to get off.
And I mean that, you know, in the nicest possible way.
I think the longer that we're on something like that,
the more we can kind of become, you know, entrenched
in the game, or we're entrenched in the process, and
(01:28):
we can become numb, we can become disheartened. And there
are some amazing single people outside of apps. Perhaps if
you're putting all your energy into that, you know you're
missing you're missing other opportunities.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Is there a sense of failure?
Speaker 4 (01:44):
Though?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
If you've been on tender for two years, will there
be a sense of failure if nothing's come of it
and then you're sitting there going, well, I'm actually unlovable.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I mean, I could understand how some people might interpret
it that way. I think I think apps, in particular
dating apps are set up really well for a small
portion of the population, and they work incredibly well because
they're based on metrics that are quite superficial, But the
vast majority of the population aren't actually sort of you know,
(02:15):
the apps aren't working in their favor, and so yeah,
I think it's a really common experience that people are
on there for a long period of time, becoming disheartened
taking it personally, when actually it's not really to do
with them, it's just the way that these things are
set up.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
We were discussing about an hour ago or so Alexander,
and it turned in an amazing discussion actually about the
age gap for some relationships and how that's becoming increasingly
common in New Zealand, that these quite large age gaps,
and we had so many really interesting people phone up.
Some guys particularly said that they one of the hardest
things they find is if they go out and people
(02:53):
make a comment saying to them oh, it's good that
you've brought your daughter along or something like that, and
that's they find that really acute. Is there any tips
you have as a relationship expert on how to cope
with a significant age gap in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
To cope with it within the relationship or to cope
with people judging it.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
But kind of both in a way.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I subscribe to you know, age is largely just a number.
There's there's a nine year gap between myself and my partner,
you know, and we have a fantastic relationship. If I
do say so myself, but but I don't. I don't
see it as an issue. I think, you know, other
people are open to their own opinions and will have them,
(03:37):
and there are some you know that have opinions of
what an age gap should be. You know, each to
their own. But I think as long as the relationship
you know, the important things of open communication, you know,
you're continuing to grow, to share, to experience together. I
don't think that age, you know, has a whole lot
(03:58):
of an impact on those things that make and sustain
a good quality relationship. Mm hmm.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
I just wondering, is the nine year age difference where
you're the older in your relationship?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yes, yeah, that's right.
Speaker 4 (04:12):
Okay, Hey, text has asked there's a big thing in
relationship that many people after the honeymoon phase let themselves
go to quote them let themselves go. How important is
staying fit and healthy and keeping relationships strong?
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, it's an interesting phenomena. I think. So the honeymoon
period technically is anywhere between six months and twenty four
months into a relationship. That tends to be the window.
Some couples can last longer, but that can also start
to point into couples that are potentially conflict avoidant, so
(04:50):
generally speaking six months to twenty four months. And what
happens is within that initial period, we're really driven, motivated
by being seen by our partners, to be accepted, to
feel connected, and so it takes effort to show up
to maintain our health, well being, our presentation. But we're
rewarded with this increased experience of comfort and security. But
(05:15):
then we reach this period where at about roughly two years,
the comfort in the security is there. And what happens
is for many of us we just then stop trying.
But I guess the importance is when we do stop
taking care of ourselves, then we start to experience things
(05:35):
I guess lower self esteem, an impact on our mood,
on our energy levels, and all of those things then
start to take its toll on our relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Right. Here's a really interesting text that's just come in
and they say, please, guys, I don't want to mention
my name. I'm married without the lust in my marriage,
but I have fallen for a girl fifteen years younger
than me. I'm sixty, she's forty five. She knows I've
fallen for her, and she encourages it. We have not
been together yet. I can't escape this girl as we
(06:07):
are in the same work circle. I think about it
all the time. It's doing my head in the advice please,
so just.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
To recap, sorry, the Texture is married and is experiencing
an attraction for someone at work.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Correct enough, person's fifteen years younger.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Yeah, I don't think the age gap has anything to
do with the equation really in this situation. I think
the fact that the texture and is married is probably
more significant than the age gap with the person at work.
What I would say is it's normal to have attraction
(06:45):
for people outside of our relationships. It becomes problematic when
we act on them, or when we start to take
our energy away from the marriage or the relationship and
invest it in spending time, you know, in this other person.
So strong strong advice is to not act on it
(07:06):
at all. And it sounds like perhaps there's a conversation
that needs to be had with your partner about what
it is that you're missing that you would like within
your existing relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I reckon that is excellent advice. Alexander. I read a
book because I've always been fascinated in relationships, and I
read a book some years ago about that very scenario,
Ready and the author of the book suggested, if it
was such a powerful kind of attraction, they suggested it
was better to actually leave the place of work and
(07:39):
in some cases leave the town if you couldn't shake them.
Do you reckon that's fair or is that overblown?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I mean, it does sound quite extreme, But I think
first and foremost, we should be doing whatever we can
to protect the well being of our relationship, to make
sure that we're staying as invested in that as we
possibly can. And if it gets to the point where
we are finding it too much of a distraction, then yeah,
I've certainly experienced clients who have left their place of work,
(08:10):
not move countries, but left their place of work, you know,
in order to remove themselves from whatever that temptation is,
you know. And it would be the same if it
was if it was gambling, or if it was drinking,
or you know, you remove the thing or get away
from or put barriers in place, and all of a
sudden it becomes easier to remain true and committed to
(08:32):
what it is that you truly value.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Very good advice. We are with Alexander Tablanche Relationship expert
if you have a question eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Nancy's given us a call. Hello, Nancy, Hi, Hi, Alexander's
standing by.
Speaker 5 (08:48):
Thank you, Alexander. I'd like to have a greater understanding
of how to communicate more effectively. When I'm speaking with
my husband and I'll comment on something called ask him
a question, the first thing they've happens is that he
asked me a question back, and I don't know how
(09:11):
to resolve that.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
How is that an issue?
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Nancy?
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Just can you expand on that.
Speaker 5 (09:19):
I just find it really difficult that I'm asking a
question and he'll ask that question back I've just asked.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Mm hmmm, Alexander.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, yeah, thanks for calling in, Nancy. It's I think
some of us are taught or learn that a great
way to stay connected is to be interested, right, And
so you know, there may be the sort of this
default in you've asked a question, I'm asking a question,
But it sounds like what you're wanting is you're wanting
(09:57):
to just to engage in a way where he answers,
he sits there, he's he's sort of with you without
trying to turn it into a conversation. He's available to
answer your questions. I think with any communication pattern in
a relationship, we all have set patterns that we fall into,
(10:21):
and one of the ways in which we can change
them is we can actually have a conversation about how
we have conversations. Does that make sense yes? As yeah,
and so let him let him know that, Hey, look,
you know, I really appreciate you asking questions back and
(10:42):
wanting to be interested. But what I really would like
is if you were able to answer the questions and
to sort of sit down and then maybe we can
take turns. Is that something.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
I have? Yes? I did actually suggest that once before
and say, I've just asked you this question and now
you're asking it back, but I need to I need
you to answer that question. And when when I've asked
you a question or commented on something, could you just
(11:16):
think about that and then instead of asking me the question,
could you answer that question? And now I struggled with
that for a little while. That that hasn't changed.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Right, And sorry? What was his response when you did
mention that to him, Nancy?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
Is that Yeah, he thought about it like he was
approachable and thought about it, But that behaviors still there
and I think, Okay, how else can I approach that?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Is there anything else you can do? Alexander, I think,
first and foremost great. I think it's so good that
you brought it to sort of his attention. What we're
what we're talking about is a pattern of communication that
often a lot of us don't realize we do, and
so it takes a little bit of reinforcing it. It takes
(12:11):
a little bit of practice. So what I would say is,
rather than having the conversation while in the conversation, meaning
you know, he might feel put on the spot when
he gets asked certain questions and so you know, driving
for more answers may may sort of dig them deeper
in the corner, I guess, So have the conversation outside
(12:32):
of the conversation. Do you mind if we have a
chat about how we communicate? What I would like is
and what do you need from me in order to
be open to trying that? So you have a bit
of a plan as a couple of how you will
deal with communication when you need to deal with it,
and then it's and then it's feedback. Right, So I
(12:54):
really appreciated when you did this, Oh can we try this?
And you're sort of learning how to communicate differently together
as a couple.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
That's very good advice. You've got time for one more question.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Texts says I don't feel valued or listened to. My
requests for intimacy get turned down repeatedly. I asked my
wife not to buy many me any alcoholic drinks because
I discussed the fact that I thought that I might
need to go to AA. She still buys me beer
and wine, and I think she's just trying to escape
from the intimacy. I brought up this fact that I
(13:28):
felt that the relationship was broken, that I felt lonely,
and May of last year, nothing's changed. She said she
didn't like conflict, to which I replied, it's not conflict,
it's communication.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
Can you give many hints? Yeah, that's that's sort of tricky,
especially if you've asked for something specific and you know
your partner's not meeting that, and when it comes to
concerns about alcoholism or anything like that, it sounds significant
(13:59):
similar to I guess the feedback to Nancy as I
would have a conversation about how we communicate and what's important.
But if this pattern has been there for a while
and it's starting to sort of veer into concerning areas
like alcoholism. Then my advice would uncertain undoubtedly big you
(14:21):
seek professional help, go and see a couple's therapists. It
sounds like something that would be really worth while. Sitting
down with a third party.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
The intimacy one that she touches on or rather heatauchs on.
There is interesting, Alexander, because I've actually discussed this with
a number of people who have felt like with intimacy,
particularly if they're women and they're rejected, it's that there's
always this feeling that, you know that men are the
ones that always are after it and dah la la,
but often that's not the case. And when women sort
(14:49):
of approach a man about it, their husbands or whatever,
they're not interested. They can be feeling awkward and awful.
What do you do about that?
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Yeah, I think intimacy. And if we're talking about intimacy,
I'm assuming we're talking about sex, yeah, like I've mentioned before,
or it's sex, parenting, money, really tricky topics, you know,
because they carry a lot of discomfort, a lot of stigma,
And what can happen is we usually try and bring
(15:19):
these things up when the boat's already rocking, if that
makes sense, which is never a good time to have
those conversations. So trying to have a conversation about sex
when you've just been rejected or you're in the process
of trying to figure out, that's not the right time
to have it. It's finding a time that feels safe
for the two of you, where it's non threatening and
(15:42):
it's an invitation. I'd like to have a conversation about
our sex lives, about intimacy. When's a good time for
you to sit down and chat.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
About it gives us both time to figure out what
it is that we want to talk about, come together,
and if you can't get that through through that conversation
by yourselves, know that it is tricky and that there
is support out there.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
Excellent.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
We really enjoyed talking with you, Alexander. It's sound advice.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
And we've got some other texts that have come in
that we'll have to wait until next time.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, thanks Alexander.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Cheers, guys, Thanks Simon, Thanks James.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Alexander de Planche from On Point Therapy. This is News
talks edb for.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
More from Simon Barnett and James Daniels. Afternoons, Listen live
to news talks EDB or follow the podcast on iHeartRadio
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