August 17, 2025 • 8 mins
How can you know who you are if you don’t know where you came from?
After NZ Herald journalist Rachel Maher learned she was conceived via sperm donation, she set out to learn more about her biological father.
She joined the Afternoons team to explain further.
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
You're listening to a podcast from News Talks'd be follow
this and our Wide Ranger podcast now on iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
So how can you know who you are if you
don't know where you came from? That was the question
that this year spooned Herald reporter Rachel Mayer to embark
on a journey to find the other half of her
at DNA. Her story is up on the Herald right now.
The headline is my donor and Me what it was
like meeting my spom donor after years of wondering. It's
a great read and Rachel joins us in the studio
(00:36):
right now. Hi, Rachel, Hey guys.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Now, Rachel, can you take us back to when you
were eight years old and first learned you were donor conceived?
How did that hit you as a child.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Well, it is recommended eight years old is like the bear,
the earliest age you should be telling kids, because before
then they don't really have any sense of people coming
from anywhere, you know what I mean. You're only just
saying to be like, where do babies come from? And
things like that, and you're only just saying to get
a sense of self. And so they recommend it before
(01:06):
you start kind of building up any kind of wider
sense of self about who you are. That's when you
explain it then, And so it wasn't exactly earth shattering.
I write in my piece that we were told when
my parents did go to McDonald's and they distracted us
was taping meals and we went on a merry way.
And it wasn't until I was about eleven when I
started looking at my friend's parents and being out and
(01:28):
being really curious at putting together the different parts of
them that made them up, and feeling quite sad that
I couldn't do the same. And I was also obsessed
with show Missing Pieces with David Lomas, fantastic show, and
I would picture myself like going through it with David
Lomas and finding my sperm donor with Prance across the
field together and race this big hug with the big
(01:51):
music and all of that.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So you talk about wondering and worrying about who your
donor might be as you got older from a what
were your concerns and fears.
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Well, it's really the basis of why I decided to
share the story, because when you research anything to do
with donor linking, there's very few positive stories.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
They're kind of considered boring.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
It's always Oh, I found out my sperm donor was
a crazed scientist who fathered five hundred children like all
the documentary said or the other horror story. One that
I really was really anxious about was the ones of
marrying your half.
Speaker 5 (02:26):
Brother or sifts these stories.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Yes, So in twenty nineteen I reached out to tell
your associates to ask, you know, do I have any
half siblings floating around out there? And I found out
that I had a half sister born in the same
year as me, two thousand and a half brother born
in two thousand and one, wow, to two separate families.
And from then on I just didn't date anyone.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
That was my work around.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
This must be must have been a complex part. How
did you decide what to say in the first letter?
And how did you address Well, we'll find out soon
his name is Wayne, But how did you address Wayne
in the first letter?
Speaker 4 (03:02):
What do you say you do donor to who? Maybe
my father? Are you out there?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Like?
Speaker 4 (03:07):
It was just a you know, speaking to the void.
So I just said, cured her. I have had these
three pieces of paper on you. It says you're identifiable.
I hope that's still the case. I just kept my
information really really brief. I am a journalist and that
can be quite a controversial job. Who know, And I
don't know who this man was. We sar half you know,
I have it half as DNA, but he's a perfect stranger.
(03:30):
He could have changed a lot since he donated. Who knows,
And so it was just really really brief, just like, please.
Speaker 5 (03:36):
Reply if you want to, It's all good. If not,
just like.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Please, Yeah, And then you got a response back from Wayne.
How did you feel when you got that letter back?
Speaker 4 (03:45):
Did not expect to be as emotional as I did,
and I think I didn't. I put a lot of
my fears just to the back of my brain when
I started the process, and when I opened it up,
it was immediately clear that he was just the loveliest,
kindest guy. I think one of the words was like
something I dreamed of had finally signed to be a fruit.
He was just so excited that I reached out to him.
And coincidentally, just the week I had sent my letter,
(04:09):
he had moved recently to Tims from living in the
White from other part of White Coat of Ages and
he had reached out to fertility Associates to re update
his information from then and he got a call back,
so he was expecting it but to be like, oh,
something was inted wrong, but it was actually that that
had my letter, and he was just beyond shocked. He
told me later like he.
Speaker 5 (04:28):
Was crying when I got his letter. I cried, like
his very emotional was gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
So you first saw what he look like in a photo?
Speaker 5 (04:35):
Was that correct? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:37):
And did did you immediately recognize parts of yourself and him?
Speaker 5 (04:40):
It was nuts. I can't explain the experience to a
single other person. You have to go through yourself. I
had found out his first his.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
Full name through an email, and I wanted to wait
to see him in person, but I two sleepless nights later,
I just could not wait, and so I researched a
photo and I was actually at my desk and I
lipped back as soon as I saw him because my
eyes were staring back at me the exact same color
I have. My eyes are slightly different shapes, which I
just thought was like some you know, something genetic, but
(05:09):
he has that exact same thing, the same smile.
Speaker 5 (05:12):
It was absolutely insane and.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Your parents went on to meet Wayne as well. What
was that meeting? Like, I mean, you told that beautiful
story about how your mum reacted, but that must have
been quite full on for them as well.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Yeah, so we went and we met him at Mission
Bay with my older brother and my twin sister who
obviously so was this.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
The first meeting with him? Yeah, they came to the
first meeting.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Yeah, so I met them.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
I met with him, Me and my siblings met with
him independently for like half an hour just beside the fountain,
and then we met up with my parents at the
at a restaurant nearby. And I did that just because
I again, he was a stranger to me. I'd emailed him,
i'd text him and things, but I just wanted to
include my entire family in that. And you just never
know when you're entering into this. You don't know what
(05:57):
the other people's expectations are.
Speaker 5 (05:59):
I didn't know at that time.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
If he thought he was going to take a fatherly
role in my life, and so I kind of wanted
to bring my dad there to be like, I already
have a dad, but ended up being not a worried
at or he doesn't want to take that kind of role.
He just wanted to meet me, and you know, see
what we came up to be.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
Yeah, So talk us through how you feel now compared
to how you did before meeting Wayne.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
I kind of waited until I didn't feel like I
was going to be a kind of missing part of
myself to do it, because I didn't want to go
out and look for him with some kind of ulterior
motive or anything like that. But after the fact, I
definitely feel like I know myself better. It's it's there's
a lot of talking Maori principles about knowing who you
are and your fucker puppa, and I think that's kind
(06:44):
of what I've discovered and what's really really important for
me to go on now and live my life as
an adult. I'm almost twenty five, and I feel like
I definitely, for the first time, truly know who I
am and what makes me me.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Fantastic. And I guess finally, Rachel, would you recommend this
to other donor children, and if so, what advice would
you give them?
Speaker 5 (07:05):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Man, I wouldn't try this experience in the world. I'd recommend
it a thousand, a thousand times over. I'm hoping that
now I get to meet my two half siblings. I
might have a dream that they're going to see my
video and email, like I think I might be.
Speaker 5 (07:16):
Related to you all on.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
The advice to just go out into it without expectation,
do not listen to the horror stories. They are much
much more rare than people would like you to believe. Like,
this is what I wanted to do when sharing my story.
Hopefully people can see that very often it's a very positive,
very cool experience.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And it didn't affect adversely your relationship with your parents
that you grew up with.
Speaker 5 (07:40):
No.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
No, I mean I was always, as you can imagine,
was anxious that my dad might react in a certain way.
But he has been the most incredible figure and just
proven what kind of dad he is and proven that
it doesn't take biology to make you a dad. It
takes a lot more than that, and he's only been
incredibly happy and incredibly supportive of us.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yeah. That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, beautiful story. And you didn't even need David Lomax
on the end.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
No, No, although you know, if he wants.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
To, mession is a pretty missing pieces placed.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
They're definitely inspired by it.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Yeah, really nice to chat with you, Rachel and all
the best O.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
Thank you guys.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
For more from News Talks at b listen live on
air or online, and keep our shows with you wherever
you go with our podcasts on iHeartRadio
You're listening to a podcast from News Talks'd be follow
this and our Wide Ranger podcast now on iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
So how can you know who you are if you
don't know where you came from? That was the question
that this year spooned Herald reporter Rachel Mayer to embark
on a journey to find the other half of her
at DNA. Her story is up on the Herald right now.
The headline is my donor and Me what it was
like meeting my spom donor after years of wondering. It's
a great read and Rachel joins us in the studio
(00:36):
right now. Hi, Rachel, Hey guys.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Now, Rachel, can you take us back to when you
were eight years old and first learned you were donor conceived?
How did that hit you as a child.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Well, it is recommended eight years old is like the bear,
the earliest age you should be telling kids, because before
then they don't really have any sense of people coming
from anywhere, you know what I mean. You're only just
saying to be like, where do babies come from? And
things like that, and you're only just saying to get
a sense of self. And so they recommend it before
(01:06):
you start kind of building up any kind of wider
sense of self about who you are. That's when you
explain it then, And so it wasn't exactly earth shattering.
I write in my piece that we were told when
my parents did go to McDonald's and they distracted us
was taping meals and we went on a merry way.
And it wasn't until I was about eleven when I
started looking at my friend's parents and being out and
(01:28):
being really curious at putting together the different parts of
them that made them up, and feeling quite sad that
I couldn't do the same. And I was also obsessed
with show Missing Pieces with David Lomas, fantastic show, and
I would picture myself like going through it with David
Lomas and finding my sperm donor with Prance across the
field together and race this big hug with the big
(01:51):
music and all of that.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So you talk about wondering and worrying about who your
donor might be as you got older from a what
were your concerns and fears.
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Well, it's really the basis of why I decided to
share the story, because when you research anything to do
with donor linking, there's very few positive stories.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
They're kind of considered boring.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
It's always Oh, I found out my sperm donor was
a crazed scientist who fathered five hundred children like all
the documentary said or the other horror story. One that
I really was really anxious about was the ones of
marrying your half.
Speaker 5 (02:26):
Brother or sifts these stories.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Yes, So in twenty nineteen I reached out to tell
your associates to ask, you know, do I have any
half siblings floating around out there? And I found out
that I had a half sister born in the same
year as me, two thousand and a half brother born
in two thousand and one, wow, to two separate families.
And from then on I just didn't date anyone.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
That was my work around.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
This must be must have been a complex part. How
did you decide what to say in the first letter?
And how did you address Well, we'll find out soon
his name is Wayne, But how did you address Wayne
in the first letter?
Speaker 4 (03:02):
What do you say you do donor to who? Maybe
my father? Are you out there?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Like?
Speaker 4 (03:07):
It was just a you know, speaking to the void.
So I just said, cured her. I have had these
three pieces of paper on you. It says you're identifiable.
I hope that's still the case. I just kept my
information really really brief. I am a journalist and that
can be quite a controversial job. Who know, And I
don't know who this man was. We sar half you know,
I have it half as DNA, but he's a perfect stranger.
(03:30):
He could have changed a lot since he donated. Who knows,
And so it was just really really brief, just like, please.
Speaker 5 (03:36):
Reply if you want to, It's all good. If not,
just like.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Please, Yeah, And then you got a response back from Wayne.
How did you feel when you got that letter back?
Speaker 4 (03:45):
Did not expect to be as emotional as I did,
and I think I didn't. I put a lot of
my fears just to the back of my brain when
I started the process, and when I opened it up,
it was immediately clear that he was just the loveliest,
kindest guy. I think one of the words was like
something I dreamed of had finally signed to be a fruit.
He was just so excited that I reached out to him.
And coincidentally, just the week I had sent my letter,
(04:09):
he had moved recently to Tims from living in the
White from other part of White Coat of Ages and
he had reached out to fertility Associates to re update
his information from then and he got a call back,
so he was expecting it but to be like, oh,
something was inted wrong, but it was actually that that
had my letter, and he was just beyond shocked. He
told me later like he.
Speaker 5 (04:28):
Was crying when I got his letter. I cried, like
his very emotional was gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
So you first saw what he look like in a photo?
Speaker 5 (04:35):
Was that correct? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:37):
And did did you immediately recognize parts of yourself and him?
Speaker 5 (04:40):
It was nuts. I can't explain the experience to a
single other person. You have to go through yourself. I
had found out his first his.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
Full name through an email, and I wanted to wait
to see him in person, but I two sleepless nights later,
I just could not wait, and so I researched a
photo and I was actually at my desk and I
lipped back as soon as I saw him because my
eyes were staring back at me the exact same color
I have. My eyes are slightly different shapes, which I
just thought was like some you know, something genetic, but
(05:09):
he has that exact same thing, the same smile.
Speaker 5 (05:12):
It was absolutely insane and.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Your parents went on to meet Wayne as well. What
was that meeting? Like, I mean, you told that beautiful
story about how your mum reacted, but that must have
been quite full on for them as well.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Yeah, so we went and we met him at Mission
Bay with my older brother and my twin sister who
obviously so was this.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
The first meeting with him? Yeah, they came to the
first meeting.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Yeah, so I met them.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
I met with him, Me and my siblings met with
him independently for like half an hour just beside the fountain,
and then we met up with my parents at the
at a restaurant nearby. And I did that just because
I again, he was a stranger to me. I'd emailed him,
i'd text him and things, but I just wanted to
include my entire family in that. And you just never
know when you're entering into this. You don't know what
(05:57):
the other people's expectations are.
Speaker 5 (05:59):
I didn't know at that time.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
If he thought he was going to take a fatherly
role in my life, and so I kind of wanted
to bring my dad there to be like, I already
have a dad, but ended up being not a worried
at or he doesn't want to take that kind of role.
He just wanted to meet me, and you know, see
what we came up to be.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
Yeah, So talk us through how you feel now compared
to how you did before meeting Wayne.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
I kind of waited until I didn't feel like I
was going to be a kind of missing part of
myself to do it, because I didn't want to go
out and look for him with some kind of ulterior
motive or anything like that. But after the fact, I
definitely feel like I know myself better. It's it's there's
a lot of talking Maori principles about knowing who you
are and your fucker puppa, and I think that's kind
(06:44):
of what I've discovered and what's really really important for
me to go on now and live my life as
an adult. I'm almost twenty five, and I feel like
I definitely, for the first time, truly know who I
am and what makes me me.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Fantastic. And I guess finally, Rachel, would you recommend this
to other donor children, and if so, what advice would
you give them?
Speaker 5 (07:05):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Man, I wouldn't try this experience in the world. I'd recommend
it a thousand, a thousand times over. I'm hoping that
now I get to meet my two half siblings. I
might have a dream that they're going to see my
video and email, like I think I might be.
Speaker 5 (07:16):
Related to you all on.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
The advice to just go out into it without expectation,
do not listen to the horror stories. They are much
much more rare than people would like you to believe. Like,
this is what I wanted to do when sharing my story.
Hopefully people can see that very often it's a very positive,
very cool experience.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And it didn't affect adversely your relationship with your parents
that you grew up with.
Speaker 5 (07:40):
No.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
No, I mean I was always, as you can imagine,
was anxious that my dad might react in a certain way.
But he has been the most incredible figure and just
proven what kind of dad he is and proven that
it doesn't take biology to make you a dad. It
takes a lot more than that, and he's only been
incredibly happy and incredibly supportive of us.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yeah. That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, beautiful story. And you didn't even need David Lomax
on the end.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
No, No, although you know, if he wants.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
To, mession is a pretty missing pieces placed.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
They're definitely inspired by it.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Yeah, really nice to chat with you, Rachel and all
the best O.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
Thank you guys.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
For more from News Talks at b listen live on
air or online, and keep our shows with you wherever
you go with our podcasts on iHeartRadio
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