Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Good morning, Tony Kruz News RADI Away forty WHA, s Charles,
(00:03):
how's your day going?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It is going well, It is going well. I'm enjoying
some quiet time with all the snow and ice, but
things are things are going well. I'm fortunate to be
in a place where I am safe, have power, have warmth,
so you know, you have to take those and be
blessed with what you have.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
That's exactly right. I like that attitude. So everybody needs
to adopt the Charles Pepperton lifestyle attitude.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Of right now. Now. I need to re engage. Now.
I need to re engage all those people that just
rolled their eyes at me this morning.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And so Slade had an article that you sent me
about stop asking your team how their day was. And
I read the article and I kind of agree with it,
but I kind of don't if you will, But I
know that sometimes teenagers could be very sent things.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yes, yes, And you know, I think that it brought
out some great topics in trying to deal with your
your teenager or you know, your adolescent. The one thing
that the author talked about was she just kind of
seemed to turn it all over to her teenager and
wait for her teenager to engage with her. I'm not
(01:23):
so sure that is the smartest thing to do when
when dealing with with your adolescent. Now, everybody knows their
adolescent best, and it may work very well for some,
but I don't think that just waiting for your teenager
to re engage with you is the best idea. And
the main reason for that is parents have a tendency
(01:46):
to use more correction than they do connection with their youth.
So if you have already set the stage that you
tend to correct more often, meaning you ask a question,
but you ask a question really to get to the
point of you being able to lecture about it or
tell them that they're wrong or there's a better way
to do it, you may have turned your youth off
(02:10):
to ever really trying to connect, because oh, I know,
all Dad's going to say is how it was when
he was growing up, or how it's better if you
do it his way, or how it and I wouldn't
engage that person either, So that part of waiting I
don't agree with. However, Huh, there are some things in
(02:31):
that article that I think we can take away. There
would be some very good ideas in trying to get
your team to continue or to start talking to you.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
All right, well continue, What were some of those ideas
that you really liked.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
So one of them that I really liked is the
idea of giving your team a little bit of time.
You know, we all have that. You know, we come
home from work and our spouse just starts immediately asking
us all these questions, and I just need a couple
of minutes to to debrief and to settle in well
in a lot of ways where we could be doing
(03:05):
the same thing to our teenager. They get in the car,
there's been all of this movement and all of this
noise and all of these things going on in their day,
and they get into a quiet car and maybe they
just need a moment of peace to recharge. And what
do we do? Tell me about your day? Did you
(03:26):
have a good day, did you learn anything? Did you
and the interrogation starts. So I think the idea of
giving them some time is a great idea. However, what
I would add to that is when things are quiet,
when things are on a weekend, when you have a moment,
not right at the end of school, but talk to
(03:46):
your teen about when would be a good time to
do that. Come up with a routine, a pattern that
would honor and respect their needs and at the same
time express what you need from them. So I want
to give you time to debrief and rest, but I
(04:06):
also don't want you to come home and be behind
a closed door or not tell me about your day.
I need to continue to connect with you. How can
we meet somewhere in the middle. That could be a
huge conversation.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
All right, I have a few more questions here. I
think that's a very interesting way to go about things,
and we'll discuss that coming up on the other side
of our traffic weather here on news Radio Way forty
whas Tony Cruse along with doctor Charles Pemperton, Dimension Family Therapy,
Louisville DFT dot com. More coming your way next Don
Kentucky Anta's on the news. The topic is stop asking
(04:43):
your team how's your day? Or maybe not? But how
do we do it in a sincere way? And I
think that that's where I wanted to start with doctor
Charles Pemperton, Dimension Family Therapy on this segment. When you
know something's wrong, you can just tell your twain or
team is really struggling you want to have that dialogue,
(05:06):
and sometimes you're really concerned because you could tell that
they're very, very depressed. What are your recommendations now?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
And that's a great point, and I think we need
to make sure that you continue to engage your youth
and know that it's not a one and done conversation.
A lot of times it's the matter view. Set a stage,
and then you can come back thirty minutes later, an
hour later, you know at the end of the day,
(05:33):
the next day. The point is is that it's a
lot easier to start with little questions and little engagements
rather than sitting down and forcing someone to talk. Now
that said, at some point you may need to have
that intervention almost where you sit down and say we
have to talk about this. I will. I will caution parents,
(05:57):
and especially parents of younger children, that if you you
set the stage early where you offer to ask your
child a question without interrogating them and asking a question
and then being quiet to let them answer, and then
saying hey, I really appreciate that, without giving advice, without
(06:19):
telling them what's wrong, if you can start that pattern
when they are eight, nine and ten, you are much
more likely to have that conversation in an easier fashion
when they are twelve, thirteen, fifteen, sixteen.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I think it's well said.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yeah, and parents don't think about that because you know, well,
my six year old doesn't really have anything deep to
talk about. But not only do you set the pattern
with them, you set your pattern with how you engage
with your child.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
So you're asking, Bet, what you're saying is develop that
trust during those formative years, before the formative years of
tweens and teens.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Tony, and that is that is the key word right there. Trust.
In order to have a relationship with someone, you have
to have trust. And while you may think your team
trust you, you need to really work on making sure
that that is there. That is the key word in
a relationship.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
You know. I remember, you know, my parents they were
doing the best that they could, but there were moments
and just based on the way parents was, you know,
parenting was back in the seventies that you know, you
didn't feel like you could actually talk to your mom
and dad about certain things. So it is kind of
setting that table now for I guess what if you've
(07:41):
already been you don't realize you maybe you're an overbearing
parent or maybe you overreact to some things, but maybe
you start seeing them. Maybe the way I'm talking to
my kid has never been you know, really listening to them.
How do you change your own model?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Well, I think that making sure that you are very
aware of that and talking to your support team about hey,
I'm thinking of changing this, you know, and making it
real versus just in your head. Oh I'm going to
stop doing this, making it real where you are engaged
with other people to help remind you and hold you accountable,
(08:21):
and then remember that your goal as a parent is
to raise a healthy and hopefully happy adult. So maybe
it's a matter of sitting down with them and saying, hey,
you know, I don't think I've done this right in
the past, and I want to do this better, and
working with them and talking to them as you would.
(08:42):
I'm an adult, an older person that you respect. Hopefully
you respect your children, and take the risk make yourself
a little vulnerable for them to be able to say, yeah,
you did mess this up, Oh but okay, then let
me work on making it better versus then you know,
(09:05):
because your your response is typically going to be oh, well, yeah,
but you messed it up too, and just take the criticism.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
So I got about a minute. I mean, how do
you stop being an overreacting parrot. Uh to the point
to where your kid feels comfortable talking to you about
something really important without judgment and make it making sure
that you're not that you're not using your own kid
for your own therapy.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
Yes, and that is something that we often tend to do,
especially as they get a little older and we can
rely on them. I think it goes back to something
we started this conversation with, and that is being mindful.
Where is my headspace? Have I taken care of myself?
Am I in a good Am? I am in a
good place? Am I am I angry? Am? Am? I tired?
(09:57):
Am I? Other things going on? Making sure I'm aware
of where I am before I engage with my children,
and practicing some gratitude and knowing the good things so
that when we go into those hard conversations, we've kind
of built ourselves up a little bit so if we
hear bad things or get bad reactions, we can weather
(10:21):
them a little bit better. So I would say, beware
of where you are, be mindful of your own space.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
All right, Doc, appreciate it as always, Thanks so much, doctor,
Charles Pemberton, Dimension Family Therapy, Louisville, DFT dot com. Have
a great day and I thanks you your day. We'll
see in a couple of weeks, doctor sin Hi, you
got it.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Man.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Steven Portanoy's joining us from ABC News News ready to
wait for whas
Good morning, Tony Kruz News RADI Away forty WHA, s Charles,
(00:03):
how's your day going?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It is going well, It is going well. I'm enjoying
some quiet time with all the snow and ice, but
things are things are going well. I'm fortunate to be
in a place where I am safe, have power, have warmth,
so you know, you have to take those and be
blessed with what you have.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
That's exactly right. I like that attitude. So everybody needs
to adopt the Charles Pepperton lifestyle attitude.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Of right now. Now. I need to re engage. Now.
I need to re engage all those people that just
rolled their eyes at me this morning.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And so Slade had an article that you sent me
about stop asking your team how their day was. And
I read the article and I kind of agree with it,
but I kind of don't if you will, But I
know that sometimes teenagers could be very sent things.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yes, yes, And you know, I think that it brought
out some great topics in trying to deal with your
your teenager or you know, your adolescent. The one thing
that the author talked about was she just kind of
seemed to turn it all over to her teenager and
wait for her teenager to engage with her. I'm not
(01:23):
so sure that is the smartest thing to do when
when dealing with with your adolescent. Now, everybody knows their
adolescent best, and it may work very well for some,
but I don't think that just waiting for your teenager
to re engage with you is the best idea. And
the main reason for that is parents have a tendency
(01:46):
to use more correction than they do connection with their youth.
So if you have already set the stage that you
tend to correct more often, meaning you ask a question,
but you ask a question really to get to the
point of you being able to lecture about it or
tell them that they're wrong or there's a better way
to do it, you may have turned your youth off
(02:10):
to ever really trying to connect, because oh, I know,
all Dad's going to say is how it was when
he was growing up, or how it's better if you
do it his way, or how it and I wouldn't
engage that person either, So that part of waiting I
don't agree with. However, Huh, there are some things in
(02:31):
that article that I think we can take away. There
would be some very good ideas in trying to get
your team to continue or to start talking to you.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
All right, well continue, What were some of those ideas
that you really liked.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
So one of them that I really liked is the
idea of giving your team a little bit of time.
You know, we all have that. You know, we come
home from work and our spouse just starts immediately asking
us all these questions, and I just need a couple
of minutes to to debrief and to settle in well
in a lot of ways where we could be doing
(03:05):
the same thing to our teenager. They get in the car,
there's been all of this movement and all of this
noise and all of these things going on in their day,
and they get into a quiet car and maybe they
just need a moment of peace to recharge. And what
do we do? Tell me about your day? Did you
(03:26):
have a good day, did you learn anything? Did you
and the interrogation starts. So I think the idea of
giving them some time is a great idea. However, what
I would add to that is when things are quiet,
when things are on a weekend, when you have a moment,
not right at the end of school, but talk to
(03:46):
your teen about when would be a good time to
do that. Come up with a routine, a pattern that
would honor and respect their needs and at the same
time express what you need from them. So I want
to give you time to debrief and rest, but I
(04:06):
also don't want you to come home and be behind
a closed door or not tell me about your day.
I need to continue to connect with you. How can
we meet somewhere in the middle. That could be a
huge conversation.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
All right, I have a few more questions here. I
think that's a very interesting way to go about things,
and we'll discuss that coming up on the other side
of our traffic weather here on news Radio Way forty
whas Tony Cruse along with doctor Charles Pemperton, Dimension Family Therapy,
Louisville DFT dot com. More coming your way next Don
Kentucky Anta's on the news. The topic is stop asking
(04:43):
your team how's your day? Or maybe not? But how
do we do it in a sincere way? And I
think that that's where I wanted to start with doctor
Charles Pemperton, Dimension Family Therapy on this segment. When you
know something's wrong, you can just tell your twain or
team is really struggling you want to have that dialogue,
(05:06):
and sometimes you're really concerned because you could tell that
they're very, very depressed. What are your recommendations now?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
And that's a great point, and I think we need
to make sure that you continue to engage your youth
and know that it's not a one and done conversation.
A lot of times it's the matter view. Set a stage,
and then you can come back thirty minutes later, an
hour later, you know at the end of the day,
(05:33):
the next day. The point is is that it's a
lot easier to start with little questions and little engagements
rather than sitting down and forcing someone to talk. Now
that said, at some point you may need to have
that intervention almost where you sit down and say we
have to talk about this. I will. I will caution parents,
(05:57):
and especially parents of younger children, that if you you
set the stage early where you offer to ask your
child a question without interrogating them and asking a question
and then being quiet to let them answer, and then
saying hey, I really appreciate that, without giving advice, without
(06:19):
telling them what's wrong, if you can start that pattern
when they are eight, nine and ten, you are much
more likely to have that conversation in an easier fashion
when they are twelve, thirteen, fifteen, sixteen.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I think it's well said.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yeah, and parents don't think about that because you know, well,
my six year old doesn't really have anything deep to
talk about. But not only do you set the pattern
with them, you set your pattern with how you engage
with your child.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
So you're asking, Bet, what you're saying is develop that
trust during those formative years, before the formative years of
tweens and teens.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Tony, and that is that is the key word right there. Trust.
In order to have a relationship with someone, you have
to have trust. And while you may think your team
trust you, you need to really work on making sure
that that is there. That is the key word in
a relationship.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
You know. I remember, you know, my parents they were
doing the best that they could, but there were moments
and just based on the way parents was, you know,
parenting was back in the seventies that you know, you
didn't feel like you could actually talk to your mom
and dad about certain things. So it is kind of
setting that table now for I guess what if you've
(07:41):
already been you don't realize you maybe you're an overbearing
parent or maybe you overreact to some things, but maybe
you start seeing them. Maybe the way I'm talking to
my kid has never been you know, really listening to them.
How do you change your own model?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Well, I think that making sure that you are very
aware of that and talking to your support team about hey,
I'm thinking of changing this, you know, and making it
real versus just in your head. Oh I'm going to
stop doing this, making it real where you are engaged
with other people to help remind you and hold you accountable,
(08:21):
and then remember that your goal as a parent is
to raise a healthy and hopefully happy adult. So maybe
it's a matter of sitting down with them and saying, hey,
you know, I don't think I've done this right in
the past, and I want to do this better, and
working with them and talking to them as you would.
(08:42):
I'm an adult, an older person that you respect. Hopefully
you respect your children, and take the risk make yourself
a little vulnerable for them to be able to say, yeah,
you did mess this up, Oh but okay, then let
me work on making it better versus then you know,
(09:05):
because your your response is typically going to be oh, well, yeah,
but you messed it up too, and just take the criticism.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
So I got about a minute. I mean, how do
you stop being an overreacting parrot. Uh to the point
to where your kid feels comfortable talking to you about
something really important without judgment and make it making sure
that you're not that you're not using your own kid
for your own therapy.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
Yes, and that is something that we often tend to do,
especially as they get a little older and we can
rely on them. I think it goes back to something
we started this conversation with, and that is being mindful.
Where is my headspace? Have I taken care of myself?
Am I in a good Am? I am in a
good place? Am I am I angry? Am? Am? I tired?
(09:57):
Am I? Other things going on? Making sure I'm aware
of where I am before I engage with my children,
and practicing some gratitude and knowing the good things so
that when we go into those hard conversations, we've kind
of built ourselves up a little bit so if we
hear bad things or get bad reactions, we can weather
(10:21):
them a little bit better. So I would say, beware
of where you are, be mindful of your own space.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
All right, Doc, appreciate it as always, Thanks so much, doctor,
Charles Pemberton, Dimension Family Therapy, Louisville, DFT dot com. Have
a great day and I thanks you your day. We'll
see in a couple of weeks, doctor sin Hi, you
got it.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Man.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Steven Portanoy's joining us from ABC News News ready to
wait for whas
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